Unskippable

Unskippable is a weekly web series in which video game cinematic sections are satirized by voice-over, in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The series began when Graham Stark and Paul Saunders, of the sketch comedy website LoadingReadyRun, submitted a video mocking the opening cutscene of Lost Planet to online magazine The Escapist's Second Annual Film Festival. The video tied for first place and, as a result, Stark and Saunders have continued to submit videos on a weekly basis.

Paul: (as terrified woman) Oh, no! These dogs are coming to kill us! Somebody please save us! What do we-? (camera pans up to show Vincent standing on a nearby rooftop) Oh, thank God! Vincent! You can save us! (Vincent does absolutely nothing) Wait. Why are you just standing there? Why aren't you-? Help! Help! (screams)

[Lightning strikes the building Vincent is on]

Graham: (as God) This is GOD! Pick up the pace...

[edit] The Getaway

[Three English thugs wait in a getaway car, watching their female accomplice]

Eyebrows: What's with the bird, Harry?

Paul: Beautiful plumage!

[Yasmin gets into the car with the thugs]

Yasmin: (to Eyebrows, coldly) And what are you looking at?

Graham: (as Eyebrows) Tits! Uh, steering wheel!

Yasmin: They said I'd be working with professionals, not a bunch of bloody has-beens.

Graham: (as Eyebrows) Hey! We're a professional light-contemporary-jazz band. "Eyebrows and the Thugs."

[Mark Hammond cradles his dying wife, with the gun that killed her only inches away]

Paul: (as Mark) You know what this murder weapon needs? (Mark picks up the gun) My fingerprints!

Graham: Why is it that whenever they knock out the main character, they have to knock out the cameraman as well?

Paul: Yeah, that's just... mean.

[Mark is tied up in the office of his son's kidnapper]

Mark: Charlie, if you don't tell me where my son is, you'd better kill me now!

Graham: (as Charlie, cheerfully) Don't mind if I do!

[Mark struggles with Charlie's men, Eyebrows and Grievous]

Charlie:Eyebrows!

Graham: (as Charlie) Give 'im the eyebrows!

Charlie: Eyebrows! Make the boy listen!

[Eyebrows punches Mark in the face]

Graham: (as Charlie) I said 'Make him listen,' not 'Punch him in the face!'

Charlie: Can you hear me?

Paul: (as Mark) No! I just got punched in the face!

Charlie: I ring you, you do the job. You don't do what I tell ya, your kid dies.

Graham: (as Mark) Okay.

Charlie: You don't do it where I tell ya, your kid dies.

Graham: (as Mark) Seems fair.

Charlie: You don't do it when I tell ya, your kid dies! You gettin' my drift?

Graham: (as Mark, calmly) Yeah, the kid dies.

Charlie: You want to see your kid alive, you do exactly what I say!

Graham: (as Charlie) And you'll do it with a smile!

Charlie: You talk to anyone, you're late, or you let me down, your kid dies! Do I make myself clear?

Paul: (as Mark) Well, what if I go skydiving?

Graham: (as Charlie) Your kid dies!

Paul: (as Mark) What if I forget to bathe?

Graham: (as Charlie) Your kid dies!

Paul: (as Mark) What if I kill my kid?

Graham: (as Charlie) Your... Touché.

[edit] Grandia III

[Two flowers are shown side by side]

Graham: (as first flower, whispering) Hey, Bob! I'm a flower!

Paul: (as second flower) So am I. Shut up.

[After Yuki "improves" his flying machine by sawing off its wing]

Yuki: She's lighter now, isn't she? Now she'll fly farther by a mile!

Paul: You could also take the engine out. That would make it lighter.

[Yuki ignores the complaints of mechanic Rotts]

Yuki: She'll fly.

Paul: (as Yuki) Are you a mechanic, or a me-can't-ic?

[Rotts and Yuki discuss their dreams of flying]

Yuki: But we've tried so hard. I just know we're gonna be the next ones to make it!

Graham: (as Yuki) I'm gonna be the Buzz Aldrin of flying across the ocean! You can be Michael Collins.

[As the two would-be pilots stare at glowing golden contraption]

Graham: When this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit!

[Scrambling to hide before Miranda's sudden arrival, Yuki clutches a rolled-up piece of paper]

Paul: (as Yuki) Must protect my Twilight poster! No one understands Edward like me!

[Miranda surveys the supposedly-empty hangar]

Graham: (as Miranda, loudly) Gee. Since no one's here, I guess I'll start lighting the plane on fire.

[Very quickly, she finds Rotts hiding in the plane's cockpit and smirks]

Graham: (as Miranda) If you think you being in here is going to stop me from lighting this plane on fire, you've got another think coming.

[Dialogue belatedly reveals that, although both look like teenagers, Miranda is actually Yuki's mother]

Graham: (as Rotts) Hey, Yuki, your mom is hot.

Paul: (as Rotts) Hey, Yuki, your mom is, like, three years older than you.

[edit] Two Worlds

[During to opening narration]

Narrator: With the death of Aziraal, the continent became infested with the Taint.

Graham: Um...

Paul: I hate it when my taint gets infested!

[Two people are shown on horseback beneath a dreary grey sky]

Graham: (as first rider) 'Have a picnic,' you said. 'It'll be a nice day,' you said.

Paul: (as second rider, defensively) Well, I don't control the weather!

Graham: (as first rider) Well, what kind of mage are you? I bet Jeff could control the weather.

Paul: (as second rider) He's a weather mage! That's what he does! Look, I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

Graham: (as first rider) Ugh, you know what? I'm just gonna collapse off this horse.

[Rider falls from the horse]

[A worker in a wheatfield spots something]

Worker: 'Tis probably him!

Paul: 'Tis it?

Worker: Run! Tell the village elder!

Graham: (as elder) Stop calling me 'the elder', Gary. I'm two years older than you are.

[The main character wears a sword across his back, without any sheath or straps visibly keeping it in place]

Paul: Putting Velcro on your sword is an old adventurer's trick.

Graham: Clever.

[While waiting, the main character reads a letter]

Letter Voiceover: Your sister is alive...

[The main character pauses and looks up at the sky]

Graham: (as main character, frustrated] Damn it!

[The main character meets the elder]

Main Character: Good day to you. Are you the village elder?

Graham: (as elder, irritated) I'm forty-eight!

[edit] The Darkness

[Opening narration]

Jackie Estacado: I remember the night of my twenty-first birthday...

Paul: Must not have been a very good party, then.

Jackie: That was the first time I died.

Graham: Yep. Jägermeister'll do that to you.

[The player is seated in the backseat of a car swerving violently through a tunnel]

Graham: See, I was convinced this was New York, but, judging by how they're driving, it might be Liberty City.

Paul: Nah, if it was Liberty City, the guy in the driver's seat would be asking the other guy if he wants to see big American titties.

[Jackie, the player's perspective character, is taking a long time to load the shotgun he has been handed]

Graham: Wow, I hope he reloads faster than this in the actual game, because otherwise, you empty into someone and then you've just gotta... go make a sandwich while you wait.

Paul: Maybe this game is just a really complex gun-loading simulator.

[An impact with a pursuing cop car leaves one of Jackie's Mafia cohorts dangling over the edge of the convertible]

Paul: Now, now, don't hang your head out of the window- [The cohort is killed bloodily as his head bounces off a truck in the next lane] I bet you're pretty embarassed now.

[The words "Fire your shotgun" appear onscreen, beneath a 'right trigger' symbol]

Graham: (in a booming voice) This is God! Fire your shotgun.

[The shotgun blast only cracks the windshield]

Paul: That didn't help!

Graham: (booming) Yours is not to ask why.

[The player's car has been racing in a top speed gun battle through a tunnel for a very long time]

Graham: I postulate that there is no tunnel this long anywhere on Earth.

Paul: What if this is the Chunnel? Like, between England and France?

Graham: That's trains-only, though. You can't drive through the Chunnel.

Paul: Maybe that's why everyone's mad at these guys. 'Cause they're not gonna tell us.

Graham: Well, they might. We just won't be able to hear it.

[edit] The Bouncer

[A helicopter hovers above a building]

Pilot: (over radio) We've arrived at the target coordinates.

Graham: (as pilot) We were looking for a Wal-Mart, but Target will do.

[A door opens in the helicopter and men wearing strange-looking cone-headed metal cloaks jump out]

Graham: (as jump leader) I don't care how dumb you look in these suits! Go, go, go!

Paul: (as pilot) Were we supposed to attach cables to those guys?

Graham: (as jump leader) I dunno.

[The Mikado assault team units smash through windows and crush rooftop tiles as they land on an adjacent building]

Paul: Can these guys only travel by destroying property?

[Entering the Fate Bar, Dominique is shown speaking to a man leaning on a car parked in the middle of the floor]

Paul: (as Dominique) Look, you can't park here!

Graham: (as man, slurring drunkenly) Oh yeah, well, I don't- I don't see any signs...

Paul: (as Dominique) It's inside!

Graham: (as man, slurring) You're inside...

[Fifteen-year-old Dominique climbs the bar stairs to where Kou, a bouncer, sits drinking a beer]

Paul: (as Kou) Hey, there's a party in my pants and you're... underage. I hate this club!

[edit] Digital Devil Saga

[The game opens with the words "No, Please..." appearing onscreen]

Graham: The game itself is begging for mercy.

[Serph and his band are shown crouching behind debris in a barren wasteland]

Paul: (as soldier) Well, this is the worst team-building retreat you've ever organized.

[Serph and one of his fellow soldiers prepare to move forward]

Other Soldier: New recruits are always available, but a leader is irreplaceable. Remember that.

Paul: (as Serph, impatiently) Um, I know. We were all at that lecture. It was mandatory.

[Serph's well-armed band attacks soldiers carrying only crossbows]

Graham: Well, this hardly seems like a fair fight.

Paul: Yeah, we've got these big guns. All they've got is these piddling little crossbows.

[An arrow hits a stone wall and deeply cracks it]

Graham: Well, they are armor-piercing-

[The arrow detonates and blows up the stone wall]

Graham and Paul: Whoa!

Paul: (whining) Hey, how come we don't get crossbows? All we've got are these crappy guns!

[Everyone surrounds a giant, tentacled plant pod]

Robotic Voice: Warning to the Vanguards. Remove the unidentified object at coordinates 2314-5873.

Graham: (as nearby soldier) 2314-5873? That's the kind of combination an idiot would have on his luggage!

Robotic Voice: Warning to the Embryon. Remove the unidentified object at coordinates 2314-5873.

Paul: (as other nearby soldier) 2314-5873? That's the combination I have on my luggage?

[edit] Run Like Hell

[Opening narration over shots of space]

Nicholas Conner Shakespeare once said that there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

Graham: (as Conner) But was Shakespeare in Aliens? No. I'm Lance Henriksen. Welcome to Run Like Hell.

Conner: Can good and evil be confused? Yes.

Graham: (as Conner) If you're stupid.

[A scene of a man being devoured by an alien cuts abruptly to main character Nick Conner, sitting at a desk and staring vacantly at the floor]

Paul: (whispering) Psst! Lance! Lance! You're on! Go!

Samantha Reilly: Nick?

Graham: (as Nick, startled) What?! I, uh, I wasn't dreaming about aliens!

[Nick sees his fiancé sucked into a vortex in the middle of the room]

Paul: Now, that seemed weird to me, but this is the future, so... maybe that happens all the time.

[Nick wakes up in his bed]

Graham: Wait, that was a dream too?

Paul: This game has so many different layers. (pause) They're all terrible.

[Nick and Samantha walk away from their superior, who was talking to a large reptillian alien]

Paul: (as Nick) Wow, did you see the captain's new boyfriend?

Graham: (as Samantha) I know, he's so young!

[All of the game's female characters are large-breasted, have cartoonish hourglass figures, and are wearing clinging catsuits]

Graham: I want to find the man who invented the skintight spacesuit and buy him a drink!

Paul: These guy's have really captured the spirit of Stanley Kubrick's 2001. Without all that "Good Movie" stuff.

Stinger: Run Like Hell. The game title that is its own safety instruction.

[edit] Onimusha 3

[In the opening cutscene, a katana-bearing warrior hacks through hoardes of opponents]

Graham: Gotta ask why the game isn't letting us play this part.

Paul: Yeah, it looks like fun.

Graham: Maybe it's worried that we'd screw it up and not look as cool.

[The hero's mask is sliced off in battle, dramatically revealing his face]

Paul: Oh, it's him!

Graham: Oh, wow, 'cause I totally thought it was...

Paul: Wait, who is that guy again?

Graham: Yeah, I don't know either.

[After obliterating the enemy army in a massive explosion, Samanosuke Akechi stands up to find the demonic leader of said army standing right behind him]

Paul: (as demon) You, sir... are a dillhole. We hadn't even paid that thing off yet!

[The game has cut away from an epic battle of demons and samurai in ancient Japan to an idyllic afternoon in modern France; a woman is shown sipping coffee in an outdoor cafe]

Graham: I think maybe the game's getting a little off-message at this point...

[The woman looks up and sees a massive swarm of demons flying over a nearby building]

Paul: Hey! And we're on message again.

[The woman is brutally killed and the demons begin slaughetering Parisians]

Paul: (as demon) Excuse us! Could you direct us to Onimusha 3? Think we made a wrong turn somewhere.

[edit] Resident Evil 5

[A man is shown kneeling with his head bent downward; a mysterious black-clad figure walks around him]

Paul: (as man) Wow. This is a really nice floor.

[The man desperately grabs the hand of the figure]

Paul: (as man) You! I must know your decorator!

Chris Redfield: (narrating) It didn't take long after the fall of the Umbrella Corporation for their bioweapones to end up in the hands of terrorists.

Paul: Judging from past Resident Evil games, I think it's safer to have them in the hands of terrorists than of Umbrella.

[An attractive woman walks onto the screen, her posterior centered in the camera]

Graham: Now there's an entrance.

Sheva: (addressing Chris) Welcome to Africa.

Paul: (as Chris, surprised) Africa?! Aw, crap.

Chris: So you'll be accompanying me to my destination?

Sheva: Yes.

Graham: (as Chris) By 'destination', I meant my bed. (quickly) You already said yes!

[Chris walks past a guard Sheva has just bribed]

Graham: (as Chris) Hey, man.

Paul: (as guard) What's up?

Graham: (as Chris) Totally tappin' that later.

Paul: (as guard) Props.

Chris: (narrating) I have a job to do. And I'm gonna see it through.

Paul: (as Chris) That rhymes. That's how you know I'm serious.

Man in Turban: You two. This way.

Graham: (as Chris) If I could that way, I wouldn't... wait. ^[N]

Man in Turban: You should do what you came here to do and go home.

Chris: Yeah, they really roll out the red carpet for us Americans.

Paul: (as Man in Turban) Ho, ho, I see! Your American sarcasm! Because we don't actually like you!

Man in Turban: I have your weapons for you here. Check them. (points to a briefcase)

Graham: (as Chris) Uh, no, that's a briefcase.

Paul: (as Man in Turban) Ah, they have trained you well!

[Sheva is shown checking her pistols from an angle that just so happens to put her cleavage in prominent view]

Graham: Yeah, just checking out the weapons here. ...and the gun looks fine too.

[Chris and Sheva enter a room with their guns drawn; Chris' posture and tight short-sleeved shirt emphasize his ridiculously overmuscled arms]

Graham: (as Chris, casually) So, uh, I can bench, like, five hundred pounds. Just puttin' that out there.

[From their hiding place, Chris and Sheva see the man just helped them being held down on his knees, on a raised platform, surrounded by a screaming mob, with a man holding a massive axe right beside him]

Sheva: Wait a minute, that's the...!

[She starts forward, but Chris stops her with a hand on her arm]

Graham: (as Chris, confidently) No, no. I've seen this kind of thing before. He'll be fine.

[A murderous mob advances on a cornered Chris and Sheva]

Graham: (as Chris) I mentioned how much I can bench, right?

Paul: (as Sheva) Not the time!

[edit] Star Ocean: The Last Hope

[Over the opening title]

Graham: So, Star Ocean... bad times.

[On the commentary, a door is heard opening]

Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw: What are you guys doing in the toilet?

Paul: This is where we record.

Yahtzee: Oh. Well, budge over, I'll join in.

Graham: Oookay.

[The opening narration accompanies shots of warfare, including dozens of missiles being launched]

Narrator: Weapons of mass destruction...

Yahtzee: Some global power's compensating for something.

Narrator: The USTA began to implement its SRF Project... the Space Reconnaissance Force.

Paul: That's a good idea. Check up on space. Never know what it's up to. Take some pictures, too.

[On the first appearance of Edge, the game's protagonist; although male, he is, like most JRPG characters, rather androgynous and childish in appearance]

Yahtzee: That lady has a really deep voice.

[Reimi appears, shot from behind with only her waist and below in frame]

Reimi: Edge!

Yahtzee: (as Edge, surprised) An ass is talking to me!

Reimi: I knew you'd be here.

Graham: (as Reimi) ...in the Masturbation Room.

Edge: Boy, I just can't get away from you, can I, Reimi?

Graham: (as Edge) Curses!

Reimi: How long do you think we've known each other?

Yahtzee: (on Reimi) That little boy has a really high-pitched voice.

Reimi: How long are you going to keep treating me like a child?

Yahtzee: You're both twelve!

[Commander Kenny meets with his superior, the corpulent Deputy Director Shimada; throughout the conversation, Shimada is inexplicably bobbing from side to side]

Commander Kenny: Moonbase Commander Stephen D. Kenny...

Graham: You bastards.

Kenny: ...reporting from Earth, sir.

Yahtzee: (as Shimada) Hurry this up, Kenny, I'm busting for a piss.

Shimada: A rather leisurely return for the great Earth hero "Lightspeed" Kenny, wouldn't you say?

Graham: (as Kenny) Hey. Only my wife can call me "Lightspeed."

Shimada: Very well. I leave the rest to you.

Graham: (as Shimada) I'm going to go and eat a stick of butter!

[After the clip]

Yahtzee: Well, that was piss-easy. I can't believe you get paid for this.

Paul: Oh, sorry. You think it would be better if we had a bunch of stick figures and swearing and a yellow background?

Yahtzee: (testily) There's a little bit more to it than that.

Graham: (chuckles dismissively) Whatever. Your thing isn't any harder than ours. I'll prove it to you!

Yahtzee: Bring it on, junior.

Graham: Oh, yeah? I will. (opens door) See you on Wednsday, Small Straight! (leaves)

Yahtzee: What?

Paul: (sighs) Okay. In the game of Yahtzee, a 'small straight' is when four dice line up sequentially. I believe he was meaning it as an insult.

Yahtzee: Oh, really? Well, I think I gave his mum a small straight last night. And she loved it.

Stinger: Using "small straight in that context doesn't sound very impressive. (smaller text) My mother is a saint.

[edit] X-Blades

[Following a long period of grunting and humming from the characters in place of dialogue]

Graham: No one has dialogue.

[Graham and Paul start humming]

[The scantily clad main character suddenly pulls out two swords]

Paul: Huh? Where did she get those?

Graham: Uh, they were in her back pocket.

Paul: But she's wearing a g-string.

Graham: The back pocket of her g-string, then.

[on Ayumi]

Graham: See, I can tell from how little she's wearing, that I'm supposed to like this character, yet I feel myself turning on her.

Paul: Maybe if she was wearing less?

Graham: Hmmm...

Guardian: How did you find the temple?

Paul: (as Aumi) Uh, Mapquest?

Guardian: How is anyone still alive who knows the way here?

Graham: The door was open. You don't want people wandering in, close your front door.

[edit] External links

Wikipedia has an article about:

Unskippable

www.escapistmagazine.com

Unskippable

Contents

[edit] Lost Planet

[edit] Eternal Sonata

[edit] Dead Rising

[edit] Dirge of Cerberus

[edit] The Getaway

[edit] Grandia III

[edit] Two Worlds

[edit] The Darkness

[edit] The Bouncer

[edit] Digital Devil Saga

[edit] Run Like Hell

[edit] Onimusha 3

[edit] Resident Evil 5

[edit] Star Ocean: The Last Hope

[edit] X-Blades

[edit] External links

Personal tools

Namespaces

Variants

Views

Actions

Search

Navigation

Wikiquote links

Toolbox