Wag the Dog
Wag the Dog is a 1997 film starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert De Niro about a Washington spin doctor who distracts the electorate from a presidential sex scandal by hiring a Hollywood producer to create a fake war.
Conrad 'Connie' Brean
- "A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow."
- All combat takes place at night, in the rain, and at the junction of four map segments.
- "What difference does it make if it's true? If it's a story and it breaks, they're gonna run with it."
- "54, 40 or fight. What does that mean?...Remember the Maine...Tippecanoe and Tyler, too...They're war slogans Mr. Motss. We remember the slogans, we can't even remember the fucking wars. Y'know why? Cause its show business. That's why I'm here. Naked girl, covered in Napalm. Five marines Raising the Flag, Mount Suribachi. V for Victory, Y'remember the picture, fifty years from now, they'll have forgotten the war. Gulf War? Smart bomb, falling down a chimney. Twenty-five-hundred missions a day, 100 days, one video of one bomb Mr. Motss. The American people bought that war.
- War is show business. That's why we're here."
- "It's a pageant."
- "I'm working on it"
- "Can't have a war without an enemy...You could have one, but it would be a very dull war..."
- It's okay, he's not dead. [gunshot] Uh, strike that.
- This is NOTHING.
- "...this is nothing. This is nothing. D'you ever shoot in Italy? Try three Italian starlets wacked out on Benzedrine and grappa, this is a walk in the park..."
- "This is nothing. ...piece of cake. Y'know, producing is being a Samurai Warrior. They pay you, day in, day out, for Years, so that, ONE DAY, when called upon, you can respond, your training At Its Peak, and save the day."
- "The war ain't over til I say it's over. This is my picture. You think you're in a spot? You think this is a tight spot? Try making the Hunchback of Notre Dame when your three lead actors die, two weeks from the end of principal photography."
- No no no no no, fuck freedom.
- This is the greatest work I've ever done in my life - because it's so honest.
- This is politics at it's finest.
- That's right. During the filming of 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' three of the horsemen died two weeks before the ending of principle photography. This is nothing, this is nothing. This is... this is... this is act one- The War.
- "Johnny, I got a lot of people here who are a little depressed because the war just ended, please give me a new song."
- "No, I think a Calico kitten."
- "I hate it when they meddle."
- Oh, God. What do we do now? Huh? Huh? What do we do now, huh, boy producer? Huh? Mister win-an-Emmy, social-conscience, whale-shit, save-the-rain-forest, peacenik-commie, fuckin'-hire-a-convict-shithead? Huh? What do we do now, liberal, affirmative action, shithead, peacenik commie fuck? What do you want to do now?
- Albania's hard to rhyme
- I was just on my way to get drunk.
CIA Agent Charles Young
- "What exactly is it that you do for the President?"
Sergeant William Schumann
- "I like the night life. I like to boogie"
- Winifred Ames: [Winifred takes the TV from Connie and throws it down to the ground] Fuck you!
- Conrad 'Connie' Brean: Leave it alone! What did television ever do to you?
- Winifred Ames: It destroyed the electoral process!
- Cain: But there isn't a B-3 bomber.
- Brean: Where'd you go to school, Kid. Wellesly?
- Cain: Dartmouth
- Brean: Then show a little spunk. There Is no B-3 Bomber. General Scott, the best of your knowledge, is not in Seattle to talk with Boeing...
- Ames: It won't hold, Connie, it won't prove out.
- Brean: We don't need it to prove out. We need it to distract them for two weeks til the election.
- Stanley Motss:: The President will be a hero. He brought peace.
- Brean:: But there was never a war.
- Stanley Motss:: All the greater accomplishment.
- Brean:: What's the thing people remember about the Gulf War? A bomb falling down a chimney. The truth: I was in the building where we filmed that with a 10-inch model made out of Legos.
- Stanley Motss:: Is that true?
- Brean:: Who the hell's to say?
- Stanley Motss:: As long as he gets his medications, he's fine.
- Winifred Ames:: What if he doesn't get them?
- Stanley Motss:: He's not fine.
- Winifred Ames:: Why Albania?
- Brean:: Why not?
- Winifred Ames:: What have they done to us?
- Brean:: What have they done FOR us? What do you know about them?
- Winifred Ames:: Nothing.
- Brean:: See? They keep to themselves. Shifty. Untrustable.
- Tracy Lime:: What would they do if I did tell someone?
- Brean:: Come to your house and kill you.
- Stanley Motss:: It's all, you know, thinking ahead thinking ahead.
- Brean:: It's like being a plumber.
- Stanley Motss:: Yea, it's like a plumber: do your job right and nobody should notice. But when you fuck it up, everything gets full of shit.
- "King, King, I got a thing here, a product placement, gonna have a bigger back-end than Hattie McDaniel."
- " Good. Good. Good. Looking Good, bring-it-all-back-home. Lassie barks twice 'n' it's time to take out the garbage."
- Dustin Hoffman - Stanley Motss
- Robert De Niro - Conrad Brean
- Anne Heche - Winifred Ames
- Denis Leary - Fad King
- Willie Nelson - Johnny Dean
- Andrea Martin - Liz Butsky
- Kirsten Dunst - Tracy Lime
- William H. Macy - CIA Agent Charles Young
- John Michael Higgins - John Levy
- Suzie Plakson - Grace
- Woody Harrelson - Sergeant William Schumann
- Michael Belson - President