Welcome to Night Vale

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Welcome to Night Vale is a fictional news podcast. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and narrated by Cecil Baldwin.

Welcome to Night Vale is set in the fictional town of Night Vale. Located in the a remote desert somewhere in the southwestern United States, Night Vale is a town where unexplainable supernatural events are commonplace and part of daily life.


All quotes are by the narrator unless stated otherwise.

Episode 1: "Pilot"[edit]

  • Good night, Night Vale. Good night.
    • closing words; repeated each episode

Episode 2: "Glow Cloud"[edit]

  • But listen: it's probably nothing. If we had to shut down for every mysterious event that at least one death could be attributed to, we'd never have time to do anything, right?
  • Remember: if you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.
  • The glow cloud does not need to converse with us. It does not feel as we tiny humans feel. It has no need for thoughts or feelings of love. The glow cloud simply is.
  • The glow cloud, meanwhile, has moved on. It is now just a glowing spot in the distance, humming east to destinations unknown. We may never fully understand or understand at all what it was and why it dumped a lot of dead animals on our community. But, and I'm going to get a little personal here, that's the essence of life, isn't it? Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community. While they're happening, they feel like the only thing that matters and you can hardly imagine that there's a world out there that might have anything else going on. And then the glow cloud moves on. And you move on. And the event is behind you. And you may find, as time passes, that you remember it less and less. Or absolutely not at all, in my case.

Episode 3: "Station Management"[edit]

  • [in apprehensive voice] Hello, radio audience. I come to you live, from under my desk… where I have dragged my microphone and am currently in the fetal position.

Episode 4: "PTA Meeting"[edit]

  • It's election season again—and you know what that means. Sheriff's Secret Police will be coming by to collect family members so that everyone votes for the correct Council seats and there is no confusion. […] Remember, this is America. Vote correctly, or you'll never see your loved ones again.
  • Night Vale is an ancient place. Full of history and secrets, as we were reminded today. But it is also a place of the present moment, full of life, and of us. If you can hear my voice, speaking live, then you know. We are not history yet. We are happening now. How miraculous is that?

Episode 5: "The Shape in Grove Park"[edit]

  • Close your eyes. Let my words wash over you. You are safe now. Welcome to Night Vale.
    • opening words
  • Sandero could not be reached for comment. Probably. We didn't try.
  • It has occured to me that I may be the only one able to see it. Now that I think about it, I have also never bothered to check whether this mic is actually attached to any sort of recording or broadcasting device. And it is possible that I am alone in an empty universe, speaking to no one, unaware that the world is held aloft merely by my delusions and my smooth sonorous voice.
  • Update on the greenmarket situation from earlier in our broadcast: Everything is exactly the same as when we last reported on it. There is no new information.
  • The Night Vale School District has announced some changes to the elementary school curiculum:
    Pluto has been declared imaginary.

Episode 6: "The Drawbridge"[edit]

  • Here are this week's horoscopes:
    Scorpio: Curse you. Curse your family. Curse your children. And your children's children. Vile, vile Scorpio.
    Capricorn: Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning. Best not to think about this again.
    Pisces: You've won a brand new car!
    Gemini: You will meet someone today who will have no effect on your life. And you will immediately forget.
    Leo: It's better that I don't read this aloud. Better that you not know. Tell your family that you love them.
    That has been this week's horoscope.

Episode 7: "History Week"[edit]

  • The Night Vale Tourism Board asks that whoever is telepathically assaulting the tourists please stop.
  • The School Board says that school shootings can only get in the way of a quality education.

Episode 8: "The Lights in Radon Canyon"[edit]

  • Silence is golden. Words are vibrations. Thoughts are magic. Welcome to Night Vale.
    • opening words
  • There are many things I wish I could remember.
  • And now a word from our sponsor:
    Step in to your nearest Subway restaurant today, and try their new six-inch mashed potato sub. Top it with a delicious assortment of fresh vegetables, like french fries and Nutella. They'll even toast or poach it for you.
  • A life of pain is the pain of life, and you can never escape it.

Episode 9: "PYRAMID"[edit]

  • I will place within some of you questions. Within others, I will place answers. These questions and these answers will not always align. The questions I provide may have no answers, and the answers I provide may have no questions.
    • Broadcast via radio signal by a pyramid
  • Death will be the last action you undertake.
    • The pyramid
  • Stay tuned now for an hour of dead air, with the occasional hiss and crackle.

Episode 10: "Feral Dogs"[edit]

  • Regret nothing, until it is too late. Then, regret everything. Welcome to Night Vale.
    • opening words
  • Also be warned that penalties for overdue library books has skyrocketed to 50 cents per day, and, after 30 days, jaw mutilation.
  • Thursday morning, the National Weather Service and National Security Agency have scheduled a giant sandstorm.
  • We have nothing to fear except ourselves. We are unholy, awful people.
    • from the Night Vale town motto
  • Stay tuned for the popular advice program Dr. Brandon. This week, Dr. Brandon offers a step-by-step on how to remove your own appendix without surgery.

Episode 11: "Wheat & Wheat By-Products[edit]

  • [series of beeps, clicks and other strange mechanical noises]
    [in strained voice] Oh dear. [static in background] I apologize, listeners. We at Night Vale Community Radio are experiencing the following technical problems: the need for air, eye movement, and gooey stuff inside. Please… stand by. [long mechanical beep]

Episode 12: "The Candidate"[edit]

  • Thursday night, the City Council is voting on a new measure that would prohibit breathing as an involuntary muscular action. Historically, the human body has been able to control breathing without the brain having to continuously activate the diaphragm. Under the new rule, all residents of Night Vale would be required to make the physical choice of whether or not, and when to breather. The City Council said that we have too long taken the receipt of oxygen for granted and that this sense of entitlement must cease.
  • And now a word from our sponsor:
    We all want to live forever, right? Wrong. […] Immortality is stupid. Think before you wish. This message brought to you by DirectTV.
  • Our own little burg is becoming the first city in this great nation to legalize time travel.
  • Now, it is dark. It is quiet. Just you and me, dear listeners. Just my voice travelling from this microphone, travelling silent and immediate across sleepy homes and lost souls to your ears. You curl under a blanket, protecting your body from the world, excepting a few clever spiders. And you are listening. Hearing me.
  • Stay tuned now for our two-hour special: "Car Alarms and their Variations", brought to you commercial-free by Canada Dry.

Episode 13: "A Story About You."[edit]

  • "This is a story about you," said the man on the radio. And you are pleased, because you always wanted to hear about yourself on the radio. Welcome to Night Vale.
    • opening words
  • Some mysteries aren't questions to be answered, but just a kind of opaque fact. A thing which exists to be not known.

Episode 14: "The Man in the Tan Jacket"[edit]

  • This year's keynote speaker is an audio tape of droning moans leaden with subliminal tips about acheiving personal prosperity.
  • Today's program has been sponsored by the physical act of gulping. For thousands of years, gulping has been there for human beings when they needed an expressive gesture of the throat. […] Gulp now, and receive a complimentary prize package, which will be conviently buried in an unmarked spot somewhere in the scrublands. Find it, and it's yours.
  • We're all being monitored almost 24/7. So, they'll probably hear you just fine.
  • Stay tuned for two commercial-free hours of E sharp.

Episode 15: "Street Cleaning Day"[edit]

  • Bananas are hardly that slippery. But watch your step anyway.
    • opening words

Episode 16: "The Phone Call"[edit]

  • Your existence is not impossible. But it's also not very likely.
    • opening words

Episode 17: "Valentine's Day"[edit]

  • More on this… eventually. Probably.
  • [regarding a two cent increase in the price of postage stamps] It is not enough, apparently, for the Postal Service to violently assault our minds with visions, but they are also intent on bleeding our wallets dry. For shame.
  • Stay tuned next for me saying "Good night, Night Vale. Good night."

Episode 18: "The Traveler"[edit]

  • Here's a look at the community calendar:
    Saturday has been merged with Sunday to create Super-day!
    Monday will not harm you, but you should stack up on latex gloves nonetheless.
    And Tuesday is hornet-free dining at the Olive Garden.
  • Stay tuned next for an exact word-for-word repeat of this broadcast, that will seem to you imperceptibly but unshakably different, although you will never be able to explain why.

Episode 19A: "The Sandstorm"[edit]

  • Of course the sandstorm was created by the government! The City Council announced that this morning. The government makes no secret that they can control the weather and earthquakes and monitor thoughts and activities. That's the stuff a big government is supposed to do.

Episode 20: "Poetry Week"[edit]

  • The police remind us that scientists are comedians and that they should stick to comedy.
  • Stay tuned next for the sound of some helpless thing being eaten.

Episode 26: "Faceless Old Woman"[edit]

  • Listeners, stay tuned next for our newest hit program, "Open-Mouthed Chewing".


External links[edit]

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