What's Up, Doc?
Story by Peter Bogdanovich. Screenplay by Buck Henry and David Newman & Robert Benton. Directed by Peter Bogdanovich.
Judy Maxwell 
- ...not as much as I am in the metamorphic or sedimentary rock categories. I mean I can take your igneous rocks or leave them. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse-grained plutonics as far as I'm concerned...
- Eunice!? There's a person named Eunice?
- I love those old Ventegums.
- It so happens, Mr. Simon, that Howard has had discussions with Leonard Bernstein about the possibility of conducting an avalanche ... in E flat.
- Hi, Room Service, this is Room 1717. I would like a double-thick roast beef sandwich medium rare on rye bread with mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom, and a coffee hot fudge sundae with a large bottle of diet anything. You got that? Yeah, Room 1717. Oh, and Room Service, would you put it in the hall outside the door. I mean, don’t bring it in or knock on the door because I’m just putting my little one to sleep. Thank you.
- What do you think I am, a piece of ripe fruit you can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside?
- Why Ms. Burns, what are you doing in Mr. Banister's bedroom? Don't you know the meaning of propriety?
Dr. Howard Bannister 
- ...you are not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy, I mean Eunice is Burnsy, I mean she isn't Burnsy. Nobody is Burnsy.
- It's the television set, Eunice. There's a movie on--a war movie. They're getting dressed for the big battle.
- Well, there's not much to see actually, we're inside a Chinese dragon.
- The point is, the point is... oh god, I've forgotten my point.
Eunice Burns 
- Why, those are Howard's. What on Earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?
- Don't kick those rocks, you Philistine!
Hugh Simon 
- There is an old Croatian saying, Bollixter, which goes...
- I find that story as difficult to swallow as I do this potage au gelée.
- I myself have a little announcement to make, that may be of some interest. My natural curiosity was aroused, an so I did a little research on Mr. Bankister and Miss Burns, and I think--
- The slight mistake, Mesdames and Messieurs, is in the so-called identity of these alleged colleagues. I don't know who he is, but she is definitely not herself.
- For God's sake, don't shoot me, I'm part Italian.
Frederick Larrabee 
- This is inexcusable. You can't come in here uninvited.
- Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?
- Don't you dare strike that brave unbalanced woman!
- Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of tile.
- You will tell her you are smitten with her, that you had followed her all evening, and you will make passionate love to her.
- There is no Hans. There is only me, Fritz.
- Taxi Driver: I know how you feel, mister. I hate it when my igneous rocks are even touched!
- Judge Maxwell: You've made me smash my Life Savers.
- Tell them to bring straight jacket! In assorted sizes!
- Do you know what this pill is for? It's to remind me to take this blue pill!
- I will get to the bottom of this if it takes me the rest of my life, which may end at any minute!
- Eunice: Howard! Howard Bannister! Howard, when I ask for you to wait for me somewhere I expect you to stay there until I come back.
- Howard: Yes, Eunice.
- Eunice: Now, it is difficult enough for me to have to see to all these arrangements myself...
- Howard: Yes, Eunice.
- Eunice: It is exactly 6:15. If we reach the hotel in half an hour, we'll have just enough time to get ready for the banquet.
- Howard: Yes, Eunice.
- Eunice: [to the airport attendant] Put these things in a taxi.
- Airport Attendant Yes, Eunice.
- Judy: Aw c'mon, Steve, you don't want to marry Eunice.
- Howard: I'm not Steve. I'm Howard.
- Judy: Well neither of you wants to marry Eunice.
- Howard: Why do you say that?
- Judy: Because you don't want to marry someone who's gonna get all wrinkled, lined, and flabby.
- Howard: Everybody gets wrinkled, lined, and flabby!
- Judy: By next week?
- Fritz: Young miss, may I help you please?
- Judy: Yes, I was wondering if my friends are still here. They're visiting from the um... New Hebrides and I believe they're in Room 1717.
- Fritz: I'm sorry, but that room is vacant.
- Judy: I don't understand. They told me they would be in Room 1717 at the Hotel Crystal.
- Fritz: This is the Bristol, madam, not the Crystal.
- Judy: Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.
- Fritz: Ah, Mrs. Van Hoskins. It's so nice to have you back with us.
- Mrs. Van Hoskins: Thank you, Hans.
- Fritz: Fritz.
- Mrs. Van Hoskins: What happened to Hans?
- Fritz: There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins, there is only me, Fritz.
- Mrs. Van Hoskins: Oh, what a shame!
- Fritz: [ringing his bell] Boy!
- Mrs. Van Hoskins: Now Franz, I'm going to take this with me. There are some things I need tonight, and tomorrow I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me.
- Howard: [to the bellhop] Don't touch that. Those are my pre-Paleozoic Tambulu rocks.
- Fritz: Don't touch his rocks.
- Eunice: Where have you been?
- Howard: I had a little trouble in the drug store.
- Judy: Steve, you didn't tell me you were married.
- Howard: We're not married.
- Judy: Congratulations.
- Eunice: But we will be soon.
- Judy: Condolences.
- Eunice: [to Howard] Who is this person?
- Howard: I haven't the vaguest idea. She was behind a rock in the drug store.
- Judy: Oh come on Steve, you can tell her about us.
- Eunice: Why is she calling you that name?
- Howard: Don't pay any attention to her, Eunice. [turning to Judy] Look, Miss Maxwell--
- Eunice: You know her name.
- Howard: Eunice, I swear this is a bizarre joke.
- Judy: Sure, it's easy for you, everywhere you go, another heart broken--women, women, women. You call it joking. Eunice and I, we call it lust.
- Eunice: Don't you know the meaning of propriety?
- Judy: Propriety? Noun. Conformity to established standards of behavior or manners, suitability, rightness, or justice. See "etiquette."
- Judy: ...it's probably the excitement of meeting you for the first time. I must say, I can feel it myself.
- Mr. Larrabee: Oh can you?
- Judy: Can I?! My heart is going a mile a minute. Why, you can just feel it pounding. Can't you feel it?
- Mr. Larrabee: Yes, I think I can. I... Yes, it's absolutely... it's certainly in there pounding... it's amazing. [to the others at the table] You should feel it gentlemen. [gentlemen rise]
- Mr. Larrabee: Sit DOWN, gentlemen!
- Mr. Larrabee: I must point out that "foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds."
- Judy: Emerson!
- Mr. Larrabee: I beg your pardon my dear?
- Judy: Ralph Waldo Emerson, born 1803, died 1882.
- Mr. Larrabee: You like Emerson?
- Judy: I adore him!
- Mr. Larrabee: I adore anyone who adores Emerson.
- Judy: And I adore anyone who adores anyone who adores Emerson. Your turn.
- Howard: Good morning.
- Mr Kaltenborn: No, I don't think so. I'm Mr Kaltenborn, the manager of what's left of the hotel.
- Howard: I'm sorry about all this whole mess here. Usually this doesn't happen.
- Mr Kaltenborn: Dr Bannister, I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.
- Howard: What is it?
- Mr Kaltenborn: Goodbye.
- Howard: That's the entire message?
- Mr Kaltenborn: We would appreciate it if you would check out.
- Howard: When?
- Mr Kaltenborn: Yesterday.
- Howard: That soon?
- Delivery boy: I want my bike back!
- Judge Maxwell: I'll give you your bike back. I'll give you a broken back!
- Mr. Larrabee: They broke into my home.
- Judge Maxwell: That's breaking and entering.
- Mr. Larrabee: And they brought her with them forcibly.
- Judge Maxwell: That's kidnapping.
- Eunice: They tried to molest me.
- Judge Maxwell: That's... unbelievable.
- Howard: First, there was this trouble between me and Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: You and me?
- Howard: No, not you, Hugh.
- Hugh: I am Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: You are me?
- Hugh: No, I am Hugh.
- Judge Maxwell: Stop saying that. Make him stop saying that.
- Hugh: Don't touch me, I'm a doctor.
- Judge Maxwell: Of what?
- Hugh: Music.
- Judge Maxwell: Can you fix a hi-fi?
- Hugh: No, sir.
- Judge Maxwell: Then shut up!
- [at 1:28]
- Frederick Larrabee: C'est la vie.
- Hugh Simon: C'est la guerre.
- Judy Maxwell: C'est la dreck.
- Judy Maxwell: [Talking so Howard can hear]: No, no. I'm a transfer student. No, not the University -- the Conservatory of Music. It's in Ames. You never heard of it? Well, it's a small conservatory, but there are those who love it. There's a professor there whom I hope to be studying with. A brilliant man by the name of Howard Bannister. No, Bannister. As in: sliding down the. You never heard of him? Yeah, that's right! The nut with the rocks! What's up, Doc?
- Howard: Did you know that I love you?
- Judy Maxwell: Yes.
- Howard: You did? Do?
- Judy Maxwell: Listen, kiddo. You can't fight a tidal wave.
- [They kiss]
- Howard: About those things. I mean, the way I acted back there. I'm sorry.
- Judy Maxwell: Let me tell you something. Love means never having to say you're sorry.
- Howard: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
- [They kiss again]
- A screwball comedy. Remember them?
- Barbra Streisand — Judy Maxwell
- Ryan O'Neal — Dr. Howard Bannister
- Madeline Kahn — Eunice Burns
- Kenneth Mars — Hugh Simon
- Austin Pendleton — Frederick Larrabee