What Happens in Vegas
- We got robbed...the only thing they took was the door.. (shrugs shoulders)
- Yeah thats a little bit of me...and some other people. (Response when Joy says his bed stinks)
- Oh yeah this is happening (said while peeing in the kitchen sink) oh, and by the way, it's your day on dishes
- (To Joy when she sees the bathroom) Don't throw all of that hair away. I'm saving it up to make you something special... like a hat... or a sweater.
- I'd rather do nothing and be happy than do something I know I don't love.
- (To Joy before she leaves for work) Don't get hit by a bus. (Door closes) Or do. Whatever.
- (to Doctor Twitchell at councilling) Her candles smell awesome!
- What happened to "whats mine is yours baby.." we're married now...remember?
- To anyone who has ever been dumped and to anyone who has ever been fired...when I say screw you say you...
- I'm not usually this much fun!
- I can totally do this! (Gasps after seeing the bathroom) I can't do this.
- They could ring the door bell and when he answers they can punch him right up in his man business, and when he asks why, they can be like.."You know why.." (nods smiling at her plan)
Like seriously, I like threw up in my own purse.
- Your friend wouldn't know a good time if it sat on his face
- Do you even know how to drive an automatic?
- Now that you aren't married anymore...can I get her number...(pause)..ok maybe later
- They should make a law about what a bad lawyer I am...then again I wouldn't know about it
- She is a wily temptress...and what do wily temptress do? They tempt you, in a wily temptress way...and then play you.
- Lavender. Get on my head!
- Uh...I, I don't have my glasses...
- Look! Stripper, you are kind of a disgusting skank. (to tipper)
- Did you just make a plan to make a plan?
Richard Banger 
Jack: So why are you here
Joy: Oh you know just living it up...being crazy. What about you?
Jack: Oh I'm here on business...I'm very important in my field...
Jack: No..I just got fired.
Joy: I just got dumped
Jack: Did I mention I got fired by my father?
Joy: Did I mention that I threw my fiance a surprise birthday party and the surprise was he dumped me in front of all our closest friends while they hid in the closets?
Jack: You win
Joy: (After finding out that they were booked in the same room with Jack and Hater) Ok so we both know how this is going to work. I am going to complain, and you are going to tell me there's nothign you can do about it, when we both know that is a big fat lie. So why don't you go ahead and type in those special codes that you know you are going to type in eventually, and give me two rooms that are so... nice... that it will turn my night right back around. (Smiles)
Hotel Clerk: Ok...I'm going to do just what you said because honestly...I'm a little frightened of you.
Jack: Jack Fuller (Introducing himself to Joy's boss)
Richard: Richard Banger
Jack: Richard Banger?...Dick Banger? You my friend have just supplied us with jokes for the whole weekend...(slight pause)
Richard: Well you must be Jack ...Off...ha ha give it to me baby!!
Dr Twitchell: Jack what happened to you? (asked after seeing Jack black eye)
Jack: I fell...and hit my head on the door knob
Dr. Twitchell: You fell?
Jack: Yeah...I fall a lot these days...I'm so clumsy.
Dr. Twitchell: Are you sure no one did this to you?
Jack: I (glances at Joy) I'm suppose to line the hand towels up just so..and I didn't and I'm sorry. And I forgot to put the toilet seat down, and she said "Put it down or I'm going to put you down!!" And... (Joy pulls out cell phone and shows a video of Bear and Hater beating up Jack)
Dr. Twitchell: Can we get back to therapy now?
Jack: Yes...yes we can..
Jack: What's the one place where you can step up and be a man?
Hater: Community College?