Wilfred (U.S. TV series)

Wilfred (2011 – ) is an American dark comedy television series which debuted on June 23, 2011. Based on the Australian SBS One series of the same name, the series stars Elijah Wood along with series co-creator Jason Gann, reprising his role of the eponymous dog Wilfred. The series was adapted for the American television channel FX by Family Guy veteran David Zuckerman.

Season 1

Happiness [1.01]

Opening quote: "Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." - Mark Twain

Ryan: [smiling] Nailed it. [saves the third draft of his suicide letter]

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Wilfred: [appearing to Ryan as a man in a dog suit, rather than an actual dog] Very nice. Some sofas it is impossible to get comfortable on.

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Ryan: [speaking to his sister about the job she has arranged for him] Do you really think working in contract administration will make me happy?

Kristen: You think I love squeezing out babies twenty-four seven? Nobody’s happy. It's all about perception.

[Ryan looks back at Wilfred]

Wilfred: Don't worry, I ain't gonna bite you. I'm seven years old, and too wise for wear. [smokes from a homemade water bong] You're not going to work today, Ryan. [passes a toke]

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[Ryan wakes up to Wilfred digging a hole in his back yard]

Wilfred: It's anxiety. Jenna's been away too long. She's a goner, I'm sure of it. She's probably choked on piece of lego or something

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[Wilfred and Ryan have just broken into their noisy neighbor Spencer's house, stolen his marijuana plants, and defecates in his boots]

Wilfred: [to Ryan] When was the last time you ever felt this good? It's called living, mate. Trust your instincts. No more doubts. Welcome to your new life.

Trust [1.02]

Opening quote: "Trust thyself only, and another shall not betray thee." - Thomas Fuller

Fear [1.03]

Opening quote: "Fear has its uses but cowardice has none." - Mahatma Ghandi

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Wilfred: [referring to an Indian neighbor] It's not like I was gonna bite her. Last time I had Indian, it gave me the shits for a week!

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Wilfred: [referring to Spencer, whose house Ryan and Wilfred had broken into and whose boots they had defecated in] That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood. You need to put that asshole in his place.

Ryan: What's the point of a confrontation? I'd just get my ass kicked.

Wilfred: So what? That'd be less painful than walking around in constant fear.

Ryan: What would you suggest I do?

Wilfred: March over there, look him straight in the eyes, and say, "I'm the man who shat in your boot." And bend him over and root him right up the ass.

Ryan: [perplexed] You want me to have sex with him?

Wilfred: It's called domination. That's how dogs handle it and, believe me, it's very effective.

Ryan: [shocked] And have you done this with another dog?

Wilfred: Every goddamn day.

Ryan: I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do something like that.

Wilfred: [shrugging] Well, then you have no imagination.

Ryan: [talking to a dog] If only that were true.

---

Ryan: [referring to Spencer] Why the hell would you leave my wallet outside his window?

Wilfred: I don't know, Ryan. Why is the sky grey? Why is the grass grey? Why is a rainbow grey, grey, grey, grey, grey and infra-grey?

Acceptance [1.04]

Opening quote: "Happiness can exist only in acceptance." - George Orwell

Respect [1.05]

Opening quote: "Seek respect mainly from thyself, for it comes first from within." - Steven H. Coogler

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Wilfred: Come on, mate. Give us a bit of that gouda I'm smelling.

Ryan: Wilfred, no, you can't have cheese.

Wilfred: Well what am I supposed to eat? The grass down here tastes like shit... and the shit tastes like grass!

---

[Ryan has just been mistaken for a homeless person]

Ryan: Do I look homeless?

Wilfred: Well you are talking to a dog.

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Lisa: [to Ryan] These people are ready to die. Hope is the last thing they need.

Wilfred: A coffin is the last thing they need. Up top!

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Wilfred: Admit it, Ryan. You're not gettin' any satisfaction out of this. You're only here so Jenna and everyone will think you're a do-gooder.

Ryan: Yeah, okay. I want to be admired. I want people to think I'm a good person like that douchebag in the park.

---

Nurse: That dog needs to go back where it came from.

Wilfred: Why don't you go back where you came from?! Right over there, where you were standing, before you came over here.

Conscience [1.06]

Opening quote: "Conscience is the dog that can't bite, but never stops barking." - Proverb

Pride [1.07]

Opening quote: "In general, pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes." - Steven H. Coogler

Anger [1.08]

Opening quote: "Anger as soon as fed is dead -- tis starving makes it fat." - Emily Dickinson

Compassion [1.09]

Opening quote: "Make no judgements where you have no compassion." - Anne McCaffrey

Isolation [1.10]

Opening quote: "Isolation is a self-defeating dream." - Carlos Salinas de Gortari

Doubt [1.11]

Opening quote: "Doubt must be no more than vigilance, otherwise it can become dangerous." - George C. Lichtenberg

Ryan: I wasn't going to tell you, because you've been acting so negative lately, but I'm going on a date tomorrow night.

Wilfred: [mockingly] A date? With who?

Ryan: [nervously] No one. Just... someone I met.

Wilfred: Met where?

Ryan: Well, I... [glances towards his laptop]

[Wilfred runs over to the laptop and opens it]

Ryan: [haltingly] No.

Wilfred: "LoveMatchDating.com"?

Wilfred: Oh, my God!

Wilfred: Please tell me that donkey-faced thing with the braces is not the chick you're going out with.

Ryan (protesting): She doesn't have braces!

Wilfred: Yeah, you just can't see them, cause they're probably on her legs. How do you think she supports that massive donkey face?

Ryan: I think she's a great match for me.

Ryan: She's a partner at a marketing firm, she enjoys fitness, and she's looking for a long-term relationship.

Wilfred: It's way too soon for that. Let me find you a nice 'hit-it-and-quit-it' chick.

[Wilfred sits on the couch and browses through profiles on the website.]

Wilfred: Gross. Out of your league. Lazy eye. Balding Asian grandmother. Gross! Ooh! Here we go. [showing the page to Ryan] "Angelique"!

Ryan (shocked/disgusted): Are you kidding?

Wilfred: Are you kidding? "Favorite music: all types." This chick must be, like, an expert in music!

Sacrifice [1.12]

Opening quote: "Love is a willingness to sacrifice." - Michael Novak

Identity [1.13]

Opening quote: "The value of identity is that so often with it comes purpose." - Richard R. Grant

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Ryan (concerned): Who are you? What are you? WHY are you?

Wilfred (whispering/preoccupied): I can't tell you.

Ryan: Why not?

Wilfred (whispering): They are listening.

Ryan (confused): What?

[Wilfred shhes Ryan and covers his mouth, while looking around concerned as if someone was listening. Still worried, Wilfred turns on the stereo to some smooth jazz.]

Wilfred (serious): Are you sure you want to know?

Ryan: Yes. Is this a joke?

Wilfred: It's not. Ryan, remember the night before we met, the pills you took?

Ryan: Yes.

Wilfred: They worked mate.

[Ryan now looks astonished]

Wilfred: I'm sorry Ryan. They worked. Must have noticed things here are, different. Shit's a little off. Right?

Ryan (wispering/totally worried): Am I...?

Wilfred: No. You're somewhere in between. Your future depends on the outcome of that settlement, meeting, tomorrow. If Jenna gets her job back, you get to move on.

Ryan: So none of this is really happening?

Wilfred: Everything on the island is real, the rest is an illusion.

Ryan (speaking up): What island?

Wilfred: Ah, forget that last bit.

Ryan (screaming): Wilfred!

[Wilfred looks around and crouches, acting as if in danger]

Wilfred: Shh. Smoke monster!

[Ryan turns off the music]

Ryan: I've seen Lost, Wilfred.

Wilfred: What did you think of the ending?

Ryan (annoyed): Why can't I get a straight answer out of you?

Wilfred: Come on, Ryan. These are big existencial questions, best left for boring Russian novelist and teenagers on acid. Real people don't think about this shit.

---

Wilfred: Very clever, Ryan.

Ryan: Figured out my plan, didn't you?

[Ryan pulls out a bubble blower while speaking with Wilfred.]

Wilfred: No. But if you think I'm just going to stand by and watch you...

[Ryan blows, making bubbles all over.]

Wilfred (childishly): Bubbles!! One, two, three...

[Wilfred runs around bursting bubbles and counting them]

Cast

• Elijah Wood - Ryan
• Jason Gann - Wilfred
• Fiona Gubelmann - Jenna
• Dorian Brown - Kristen

External links

• Covert Affairs quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Wilfred at TV.com