Wilfred (U.S. TV series)
Wilfred (2011 – ) is an American dark comedy television series which debuted on June 23, 2011. Based on the Australian SBS One series of the same name, the series stars Elijah Wood along with series co-creator Jason Gann, reprising his role of the eponymous dog Wilfred. The series was adapted for the American television channel FX by Family Guy veteran David Zuckerman.
Season 1 
Happiness [1.01] 
- Opening quote: "Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." - Mark Twain
- Ryan: [smiling] Nailed it. [saves the third draft of his suicide letter]
- Wilfred: [appearing to Ryan as a man in a dog suit, rather than an actual dog] Very nice. Some sofas it is impossible to get comfortable on.
- Ryan: [speaking to his sister about the job she has arranged for him] Do you really think working in contract administration will make me happy?
- Kristen: You think I love squeezing out babies twenty-four seven? Nobody’s happy. It's all about perception.
- [Ryan looks back at Wilfred]
- Wilfred: Don't worry, I ain't gonna bite you. I can smell your fear like I can smell the sour milk in your fridge. I'm seven years old, and too wise for lies. [smokes from a homemade water bong] You're not going to work today, Ryan. [passes a toke]
- [Ryan wakes up to Wilfred digging a hole in his back yard]
- Wilfred: It's anxiety. Jenna's been away too long. She's a goner, I'm sure of it. She's probably choked on piece of lego or something
- [Wilfred and Ryan have just broken into their noisy neighbor Spencer's house, stolen his marijuana plants, and defecates in his boots]
- Wilfred: [to Ryan] When was the last time you ever felt this good? It's called living, mate. Trust your instincts. No more doubt. No fear. Welcome to your new life.
Trust [1.02] 
- Opening quote: "Trust thyself only, and another shall not betray thee." - Thomas Fuller
Fear [1.03] 
- Opening quote: "Fear has its uses but cowardice has none." - Mahatma Ghandi
- Wilfred: [referring to an Indian neighbor] It's not like I was gonna bite her. Last time I had Indian, it gave me the shits for a week!
- Wilfred: [referring to Spencer, whose house Ryan and Wilfred had broken into and whose boots they had defecated in] That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood. You need to put that asshole in his place.
- Ryan: What's the point of a confrontation? I'd just get my ass kicked.
- Wilfred: So what? That'd be less painful than walking around in constant fear.
- Ryan: What would you suggest I do?
- Wilfred: March over there, look him straight in the eyes, and say, "I'm the man who shat in your boot." And bend him over and root him right up the ass.
- Ryan: [perplexed] You want me to have sex with him?
- Wilfred: It's called domination. That's how dogs handle it and, believe me, it's very effective.
- Ryan: [shocked] And have you done this with another dog?
- Wilfred: Every goddamn day.
- Ryan: I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do something like that.
- Wilfred: [shrugging] Well, then you have no imagination.
- Ryan: [talking to a dog] If only that were true.
- Ryan: [referring to Spencer] Why the hell would you leave my wallet outside his window?
- Wilfred: I don't know, Ryan. Why is the sky grey? Why is the grass grey? Why is a rainbow grey, grey, grey, grey, grey and infra-grey?
- Wilfred: A bone? That's like giving a basketball to a black guy.
Acceptance [1.04] 
- Opening quote: "Happiness can exist only in acceptance." - George Orwell
- Wilfred: [after Ryan tells him he can't do a band practice meeting due to going to help his sister] You're breaking up the band. I can't believe it!
- Ryan: Calm down!
- Wilfred: Yeah, that's what John Lennon said before he ran off and got nude with that Asian bitch!
- Ryan: Don't be racist.
- Wilfred: How can I be racist? I'm incapable of seeing color.
- Wilfred: Kristen's always busting balls. Why doesn't she try licking them?
Respect [1.05] 
- Opening quote: "Seek respect mainly from thyself, for it comes first from within." - Steven H. Coogler
- Wilfred: Come on, mate. Give us a bit of that gouda I'm smelling.
- Ryan: Wilfred, no, you can't have cheese.
- Wilfred: Well what am I supposed to eat? The grass down here tastes like shit... and the shit tastes like grass!
- [Ryan has just been mistaken for a homeless person]
- Ryan: Do I look homeless?
- Wilfred: Well you are talking to a dog.
- Lisa: [to Ryan] These people are ready to die. Hope is the last thing they need.
- Wilfred: A coffin is the last thing they need. Up top!
- Wilfred: Admit it, Ryan. You're not gettin' any satisfaction out of this. You're only here so Jenna and everyone will think you're a do-gooder.
- Ryan: Yeah, okay. I want to be admired. I want people to think I'm a good person like that douchebag in the park.
- Nurse: That dog needs to go back where it came from.
- Wilfred: Why don't you go back where you came from?! Right over there, where you were standing, before you came over here.
- Ryan: Well, here we are.
- Wilfred: Woah! You said we were going for a walk. A walk, Ryan - which by definition means 'no destination'! Even a cat knows that.
Conscience [1.06] 
- Opening quote: "Conscience is the dog that can't bite, but never stops barking." - Proverb
- Ryan: What is the one thing that Jenna hates most about Drew.
- Wilfred: The vaginal tearing from his huge cock.
- Ryan: He's a sore loser. Look, all I have to do is beat him at something, and make sure Jenna's there to see him lose his shit.
- Wilfred: That's the stupidest, most ridiculous... Actually, that's pretty good. But there's one problem. Drew's a born winner, and you're... you.
- Ryan: Behold... The instrument of Drew's destruction. Bzzmm... My ping pong paddle from when I was all state table tennis champion.
- Wilfred: So, chemistry, biking and ping pong. I guess my only question is, why were you not blowjobbed to death by the entire cheerleading squad?
Pride [1.07] 
- Opening quote: "In general, pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes." - Steven H. Coogler
- Wilfred: I don't know, Ryan. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe Bear isn't the one.
- Ryan: Maybe you need to spice things up. Take Bear to a nice restaurant.
- Ryan: May I speak with you? Privately.
- Wilfred: Anything you wanna say to me, you can say in front of Bear.
- Ryan: Okay. So, last night at Beth's...
- Wilfred: Woah! Let's take it upstairs. Not cool, dude!
- Ryan: You said I could say anything. I assumed it was an open relationship.
- Wilfred: It is! But Bear doesn't know that!
Anger [1.08] 
- Opening quote: "Anger as soon as fed is dead -- tis starving makes it fat." - Emily Dickinson
- Wilfred: Now that I've met Raffie, how can I go back to bear? I mean bear did put me through obedience school, but does that mean I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life?
- Wilfred: Sneakers is no one huh? Do you usually buy priceless jewelry for no one? Imitation, colored glass. Plastic painted to look like metal. This isn't some cheap made in China knock-off. This is made in Taiwan. You bastard! Keeping another dog on the side are ya?
- Wilfred: Ryan, anger is like herpes. You're not meant to keep it to yourself.
- Wilfred: Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy? Well I just wanted to apologize for not emphasizing that enough.
Compassion [1.09] 
- Opening quote: "Make no judgements where you have no compassion." - Anne McCaffrey
- Ryan: I'm not crazy!
- Wilfred: Said the man to the dog.
- Ryan: You son of a bitch!
- Wilfred: How is that an insult? I've never understood that.
- Ryan: Eat shit! Eat shit!
- Wilfred: Again, your tone says insult, but what I'm hearing is a tempting offer.
- Wilfred: Do you know what this is?
- Ryan: Let me guess, the length of my dick?
- Wilfred: No, it's the amount of compassion you've shown towards your mum...and the length of your dick. They happened to be equal in this case. It doesn't happen often, but it's pretty cool when this shit lines up. Like an eclipse.
- Wilfred: For a guy who once tried to kill himself, you don't have a whole lot of compassion.
Isolation [1.10] 
- Opening quote: "Isolation is a self-defeating dream." - Carlos Salinas de Gortari
- Wilfred: Turn your back on the pack, and the pack will turn on you. Any dog would tell you that.
- Ryan: I would never..
- Wilfred: Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.
- Ryan: Our mind?
- Wilfred: [about Trashface] He got what he wanted.
- Ryan: To be remembered as a dead homeless junkie who stole their stuff?
- Wilfred: Exactly. To be remembered.
- Mr. Patel: My friend, I feel great shame for accusing you unjustly. I will not sleep well tonight, but tomorrow during the day I'll take a long nap.
Doubt [1.11] 
- Opening quote: "Doubt must be no more than vigilance, otherwise it can become dangerous." - George C. Lichtenberg
- Ryan: I wasn't going to tell you, because you've been acting so negative lately, but I'm going on a date tomorrow night.
- Wilfred: [mockingly] A date? With who?
- Ryan: [nervously] No one. Just... someone I met.
- Wilfred: Met where?
- Ryan: Well, I... [glances towards his laptop]
[Wilfred runs over to the laptop and opens it]
- Ryan: [haltingly] No.
- Wilfred: "LoveMatchDating.com"?
- Wilfred: Oh, my God!
- Wilfred: Please tell me that donkey-faced thing with the braces is not the chick you're going out with.
- Ryan (protesting): She doesn't have braces!
- Wilfred: Yeah, you just can't see them, cause they're probably on her legs. How do you think she supports that massive donkey face?
- Ryan: I think she's a great match for me.
- Ryan: She's a partner at a marketing firm, she enjoys fitness, and she's looking for a long-term relationship.
- Wilfred: It's way too soon for that. Let me find you a nice 'hit-it-and-quit-it' chick.
[Wilfred sits on the couch and browses through profiles on the website.]
- Wilfred: Gross. Out of your league. Lazy eye. Balding Asian grandmother. Gross! Ooh! Here we go. [showing the page to Ryan] "Angelique"!
- Ryan (shocked/disgusted): Are you kidding?
- Wilfred: Are you kidding? "Favorite music: all types." This chick must be, like, an expert in music!
- Ryan: Wilfred... This thing we have. The way we communicate. Have you ever had this sort of relationship with anyone else?
- Wilfred: Why do you ask?
- Ryan Have you?
- Wilfred: It happened once before. I was at a party. And this guy looked right at me and said: "Hey! What's up, dog? I see you. And I know what you're up to." And I said, "well, I see you too. If you got something to say, say it." Turns out he was talking to the guy right behind me, who had been banging his wife. Ryan, please tell me there's not been a guy standing right behind me ever since we've met?
- Ryan: So nobody else?
- Wilfred: You're one of a kind, Ryan.
- Ryan: I really think I'm gonna be alright.
- Wilfred: Of course you are. I'm not going anywhere.
- Bruce: You convinced me to make out with my own father.
- Wilfred: Everybody at the party loved it. They thought it was edgy.
- Bruce: Wilfred ruined my life, and you know what? You're next.
- Wilfred: What did you do with my hair? I distinctly remember leaving it right here, all over the place.
Sacrifice [1.12] 
- Opening quote: "Love is a willingness to sacrifice." - Michael Novak
- Wilfred: I swear, it's like as soon as you take the dick out of Bears mouth it's just blah blah blah (making a talking hand gesture)
- Ryan: Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
- Wilfred: Friends? What, you thought we were actually...[laughs] That is hilarious. And a little embarrassing for you, because I never really saw us like that.
- Mr. Patel: How much for this piece of shit flatscreen TV?
- Wilfred: You're selling the TV? That's the cornerstone of our friendship!
- Wilfred: Ryan, I've always had your best interest at heart, and I've never asked for anything in return...except for a bunch of stuff.
- Jenna: You've gotta feel how soft my tits are.
- Jenna: Wilfred pooped on your lawn.
- Wilfred: There is symbolism in that poop Ryan...and some grass...and half a slipper.
- Ryan: I was gonna get it on Kindle, but then people couldn't see how deep I am.
Identity [1.13] 
- Opening quote: "The value of identity is that so often with it comes purpose." - Richard R. Grant
- Ryan What are you doing?
- Wilfred I'm writing my will. After I'm gone, I don't want you and Bear fighting over my shit. Or any of my other stuff.
- Ryan (concerned): Who are you? What are you? WHY are you?
- Wilfred (whispering/preoccupied): I can't tell you.
- Ryan: Why not?
- Wilfred (whispering): They are listening.
- Ryan (confused): What?
[Wilfred shhes Ryan and covers his mouth, while looking around concerned as if someone was listening. Still worried, Wilfred turns on the stereo to some smooth jazz.]
- Wilfred (serious): Are you sure you want to know?
- Ryan: Yes. Is this a joke?
- Wilfred: It's not. Ryan, remember the night before we met, the pills you took?
- Ryan: Yes.
- Wilfred: They worked mate.
- Wilfred: I'm sorry Ryan. They worked. Must have noticed things here are, different. Shit's a little off. Right?
- Ryan (wispering/totally worried): Am I...?
- Wilfred: No. You're somewhere in between. Your future depends on the outcome of that settlement, meeting, tomorrow. If Jenna gets her job back, you get to move on.
- Ryan: So none of this is really happening?
- Wilfred: Everything on the island is real, the rest is an illusion.
- Ryan (speaking up): What island?
- Wilfred: Ah, forget that last bit.
- Ryan (screaming): Wilfred!
[Wilfred looks around and crouches, acting as if in danger]
- Wilfred: Shh. Smoke monster!
[Ryan turns off the music]
- Ryan: I've seen Lost, Wilfred.
- Wilfred: What did you think of the ending?
- Ryan (annoyed): Why can't I get a straight answer out of you?
- Wilfred: Come on, Ryan. These are big existencial questions, best left for boring Russian novelist and teenagers on acid. Real people don't think about this shit.
- Wilfred: Very clever, Ryan.
- Ryan: Figured out my plan, didn't you?
[Ryan pulls out a bubble blower while speaking with Wilfred.]
- Wilfred: No. But if you think I'm just going to stand by and watch you...
[Ryan blows, making bubbles all over.]
- Wilfred (childishly): Bubbles!! One, two, three...
[Wilfred runs around bursting bubbles and counting them]
- Ryan: This is nothing compared to some of the shit you've pulled.
- Wilfred: Yeah, but you're not me! You're a good person! And you're a person!
- Ryan: I know why you're here now, to stop me from slipping down that slope. Please Wilfred, I need you to pull me back up.
- Wilfred: I hope you're proud of yourself Ryan. I'm gonna be up all night licking Jenna's tears. Do you know what all that sodium's gonna do to my blood pressure?
- Wilfred: I don't know what you're up to Ryan, but I've got my nose and ears on you...and my eyes too, I guess, but frankly my vision's pretty shitty.
- Wilfred: Ignorance is 9/10 of the law.
- Ryan: That's possession.
- Wilfred: She wasn't charged with possession Ryan. I thought you were a good lawyer.
Season 2 
Progress [2.01] 
- Opening quote: "Discontent is the first necessity of progress." - Thomas Edison
- Dr. Eddy: It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
- Ryan: Wait, that's from Good Will Hunting. Holy Shit, you're Robin Williams.
- Ryan: Apparently for the better part of three months, I was sitting in a coat closet getting baked with a dog.
- Wilfred: Do you know why dogs dig?
- Ryan: Because they're searching for bones?
- Wilfred: Because we're searching for truth.
- Ryan: It said "wake up," which is weird because I read somewhere that people can't read while they're dreaming.
Letting Go [2.02] 
- Opening quote: "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." - Herman Hesse
- Wilfred: You see what it says there? Participant. Do you think they give one of those to every dog who takes part in the competition?
- Wilfred: We get it, Beans. We all know you got tasty balls. No need to flaunt it. Jesus, is there no limits to this guy's arrogance?
- Wilfred: Oh typical. Won't even shlob this guy's nob to help a friend get steroids. You selfish prick.
- Wilfred: I have a strict policy against taking any drug that's not illegal. They're never strong enough.
- Ryan: Drew says that it helps you achieve maximum core rippage.
- Wilfred: That's just the kinda rippage I need.
- Wilfred: See what I did there? I got super tired, stopped running, and started dry heaving. I've gotta not do that.
- Ryan: Was he pissed off about something?
- Wilfred: Drew drives hard. Dude's confident behind the wheel.
- Ryan: Mustard stains are the new black
- Amanda: You know what, I don't get it. I've calculated my facial proportions and I'm 94% symmetrical, which according to the index is borderline hot. And I dressed up this boring old lab coat with a quirky Japanese robot pin, so you know I'm fun. And everyone in the office already knows I am a total sex addict.
- Wilfred: I remember you, Ryan. Memory is like the Packers when they're behind by two touchdowns in the fourth quarter...it comes back.
Dignity [2.03] 
- Opening quote: "Let not a man guard his dignity but let his dignity guard him." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- Wilfred: Those idiots wouldn't know adorable if it cornered them in a holding cell and raped them with a plunger handle. That reminds me; Bear could you pick up a plunger before our next date night?
- Jeremy: Tomorrow. Possible?
- Wilfred: You, not being a d**k. Possible?
- Jeremy: If those clowns come up with a cure for lung cancer it is going to be a sad, sad day.
- Wilfred: I'm an office dog. It's my duty to entertain and amuse, and if I can't do it they'll bring in some foosball table who can!
- Amanda: I only huff the good stuff. I'm kind of keyboard cleaner snob.
- Wilfred: So you're just going to leave me in that thing? Like some guy caged up like some animal?
- Wilfred: One man's trash is another man's feng shui. That's why I left that pool of yellow water by the southeast door.
Guilt [2.04] 
- Opening quote: "Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving." - Erma Bombeck
- Wilfred: How many innocent babies have to survive before we put an end to this senseless nurturing?
- Wilfred: How did you scale that giant wall? That's impossible. Are you secretly some sort of magical other worldly entity? Cause I'd tell you if I was.
- Ryan: I'm the worst brother ever.
- Wilfred: Worst brother ever? Did you ever convince the other siblings in your litter to eat your own sister because she was born with no eyes? Cause I did that.
- Wilfred: Do I have a spare d**kfor? What's a d**k for?
- Wilfred: There's a war out there, Ryan, a war between dogs and babies...and you brought it to our door step.
- Ryan: You're at war with babies? Over what?
- Wilfred: Why do any great civilizations go to war? To see who's cutest.
Now [2.05] 
- Opening quote: "Be here now." - Ram Dass
- Kevin:: Warner's gonna join us whenever he feels like it. That's one of the things about being rich; you get to treat everybody else like shit. I can't wait.
- Wilfred:: There's darkness everywhere, Ryan. You just can't see because the sun is such an attention whore.
- Wilfred:: Wipe that smirk off your face and listen to this Kant.
- Wilfred:: Jesus, put down the bong and pick up a book.
- Wilfred:: So when Jenna leaves the house and I can't see her anymore, she doesn't cease to exist, she's just somewhere else? No, no, no, no. That's just crazy.
- Ryan:: Read a book or something
- Wilfred:: A book? Yeah right. Maybe if it had pictures...that moved...and sound...and Matt Damon in it...and in the middle of the movie Matt Damon'd be like (makes gun noises)...now there's a book I'd like to read.
- Wilfred:: I've heard of trauma causing blindness, like when Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles walked in on each other masturbating
Control [2.06] 
- Opening quote: "The master understands that the universe is forever out of control." - Lao Tzu
- Wilfred: Look, you and I both know the paper swan can't actually talk to Bear, but if it helps Bear that's all that matters.
- Amanda: Stay out of this squish tits!
- Wilfred: Everyone knows the great dane's preferred method of attack is to pin down and slobber on. Coincidentally, that's also Drew's preferred method of love making.
- Wilfred: Bear stole that button off Amanda's coat. When Bear drinks he loses all impulse control.
- Wilfred: I brought dessert! I found it in the most charming little French bakery's dumpster
Avoidance [2.07] 
- Opening quote: "Our biggest problems arise from the avoidance of smaller ones." - Jeremy Caulfield
- Ryan: God damn it Wilfred, I will not let you ejaculate all over me again.
- Ryan: I could totally pass as Harry Potter.
- Ryan: Why don't you ask your best friend Dennis?
- Wilfred: Ryan, I have a confession to make. Dennis will be out of town this weekend also.
- Ryan: We decided to leave and start our own boutique law firm together.
- Wilfred: Boutique? So you'd represent jewelry and effeminate trinkets and such?
Truth [2.08] 
- Opening quote: "The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." - James A. Garfield
- Wilfred: Why do you think no dogs died in the Holocaust? Because we knew it was coming.
- Wilfred: Ryan, do you have any more rice?
- Ryan: How much do you need?
- Wilfred: 100 pounds should do it.
- Wilfred: Ryan, you're buried under a box of secrets with a talking dog in a basement that may not even exist.
- Wilfred: That's how long you've been down in your basement playing a pointless game with your neighbor's dog and his, well, Bruce
Service [2.09] 
- Opening quote: "The thing that lies at the foundation of positive change is service to a fellow human being." - Lee Iacocca
- Wilfred: For God's sake, go participate in the most beautiful experience life has to offer even if it means looking directly into your own sister's slop hole.
- Wilfred: Mexico? You know they eat dogs down there?
- Ryan: They do not.
- Wilfred: What, you don't think Mexico City has a Korea Town?
- Wilfred: Ryan, I know the timing couldn't possibly be any worse, but I think someone might have dug up Mittens and eaten part of the corpse.
- Wilfred: Remember when I mauled that Black teenager's face the other day? You think I did that because he had ice cream on his face? No. I did it because I hoped it would help him go on to be the next Seal.
- Wilfred: I don't want to cast a darker shadow on an already tragic day, but I think someone may have eaten part of Jeremy's brains.
Honesty [2.10] 
- Opening quote: "Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." - Mother Teresa
- Ryan: I'm returning the cats. There's no reason to keep them.
- Wilfred: Dude, I was literally just about to kill them.
- Ryan: I will not rest until every cat in Venice is dead. And then I will move to my ultimate goal of making earrings out of the bronze testicles of every postal worker in the greater Los Angeles area.
- Wilfred: Imagine how hilarious I'd look wearing a full-bodied animal suit.
- Ryan: Maybe there will be a feel good ending, like all the cats are found safe.
- Wilfred: Or sex-butchered by a psychopath.
- Ryan: Wilfred, these are pets. People will be looking for them.
- Wilfred: They're cats Ryan. No one cares.
- Wilfred: Do you remember the scratch on my face, Ryan?
- Ryan: The one that's still there? Yes.
Questions [2.11] 
- Opening quote: "If you do not ask the right questions, you do not get the right answers." - Edward Hodnett
- Red Wolf: All that you see here are creations of your own mind. Perhaps that is why I am such a stereotype.
- Ryan: We need to get to a hospital.
- Wilfred: Come on Ryan, Bear doesn't have insurance.
- Wilfred: What about your boss's suicide? I mean someone ate his brains. That's twisted. Did they find who did that, by the way?
Resentment [2.12] 
- Opening quote: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." - Malachy McCourt
- Wilfred: I just watched Jenna take it in the hands from every guy in the neighborhood.
- Ryan: Are you telling me you've never smelled another dog on Jenna's hands?
- Wilfred: Well yeah but that's just from her pushing other dogs away.
- Wilfred: Being happy is just like being gay. It's a choice, that's why they mean the same thing.
Secrets [2.13] 
- Opening quote: "If we knew each other's secrets, what comfort should we find." - John Churton Collins
- Wilfred: You're not crazier than anybody else.
- Ryan: Said the dog to the man.
- Wilfred:(to Ryan) Without you I have no purpose. I'm nothing. It's like I don't even exist.