Wizard People, Dear Reader

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Wizard People, Dear Reader (2004) is a "book on tape" meant to be played over Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone in lieu of its original audio track. This exercise in hilarity was created by Brad Neely and hosted on Illegal-Art[1].


Chapter ONE

Out of the shadows of God knows what dimension, steps the oldest wizard in the books...he is clearly a powerful beast and walks with dignity, despite his age and attire.


Shredding through the stratus descends no other than Haggar, the Horrible - a huge man, that if you didn't know better, you might mistake for a gigantic hairy truck...


As Haggar gnashes his teeth in inner conflict and almost drowns in snotty, fearful tears, his master, Dumbledore, tells him to wait in the frickin' car if he has to!


Chapter TWO

(of Roast Beefy Weefy): he is indeed a mean little puke, who is borderline retarded and must shout moistly every stupid sentence he manages to piece together


Ho, Ho, Dear Reader... it looks like uncle Salt Porker has some idea of Harry's magical brain. His face... is the worst.


The family seems to be happy...with nothing. a giant Burmese leopard-eating snake basks in front of their piggish faces..like a poem, and of course they want it to dance for them... but not our Harry, this sweet wizard in remission is psychically linked with the beautiful snake being, having dreamt himself of eating leopards, boars...and dikdiks..


But cousin Roast Beefy notices some action and runs over to spoil it, Harry totally loses it and frags Roast Beefy good with a Glass-Be-Gone spell- WAooosh! - the terrible cousin spills his ass into the cage as the supine beast nobly erects itself out and is... thanking Harry as he slithers into the nightmare hearts of all the Muggles nearby...


And what d'ya know dear reader, providence must have cast a Glass-Be-Back spell, 'cos take a look at the zoo's new acquisition: it is a play, a tragi-comedy! the Lament of Roast Beefy O Weefy! ha-ha! The family Porkins' are hit palpably with shame. Yes Harry, do laugh on.. laugh right in their unthinkable faces.


Chapter THREE

As the Hog family enters their home to regroup after Harry's formidable blow, Uncle Pork Flaps tries to tear Harry's wig off before remembering that Harry is a boy, and probably, his hair is real...'No more magic!', his throat rasps, without it's usual gravy lube. Realizing his throat is foodless, Uncle Piggins' exits for the kitchen..


Harry in a spiral of depression, turns to the escape of the world of miniature equine afficionada. He produces many a Wine-Out-Of-Nowhere spell, and is drunk every day before noon.


but Harry's attention is drawn to the window. Sunlight: Harry could almost cry at this simple gift of the universe. If it weren't for these awful people, he would cry, but he must not show weakness or else they'll hand him his ass!


Harry decides that this ...is it.. this is the moment, I must make my move in this masking of a snow storm, and I will take one letter into my room and whisper it to my horses and see what they think!... Oh, how the wine talks!


Chapter FOUR

But Blam!...Blam!..Blam!... at the door! The Porktown family scuttles into position, but what busts in the door is far more than expected: it is Haggar -- the horrible, the nightmare of hair -- a wall of a man, but buried under his woollen chest is a heart that ...I'd trust a baby with.


...A bullet ejects into the heavens, interrupting an angel's sleep


Now, if you cry easy, be careful here, dear readers, for Haggar produces for Harry his first ever birthday present. It is a cake, hand made, no less, by a warrior of the wind...


...Harry is confused, though he knows how to play his cards-- a man like this could be in the market for a sidekick. "What's Hogwart's?", a masterful play by Harry. Haggar stumbles around with words and seems put off by himself. Clearly, side-kicking for Haggar would suck balls.


[Haggar] "Well then, 'Just Harry', I imagine then that lions are just lions, and Gods... are just Gods...


Uncle Fat Train spews his slander on Dumbledore in return and Haggar gives him a truly horrible face and points his magical umbrella and starts to say a spell like, "don't ever talk again, Fatty!" but the slobbering, smacking jowls of Roast Beefy Weefs interrupts him, and ZAP! goes Haggar with the umbrella, and VOILA!-- A curled up Cheato shoots right out of Roast B's bottom! - Woo-Hoo! Shouts Harry - About time he burst that Cheato! He's been trying to birth it for years! herrrm heerrm herrm..


[Haggar says] you like flying motorcycles?... Harry replies, "anything's better than crawling..


Chapter FIVE

Dear readers, imagine music - la de da de da -Alive and Market Place-y -- and violins taking a break up in the air with non-threatening amblings and a wreath of tambourine just lightly jangled...


Sweet Moustache!...Willikers! Harry watches kids breaking their nose cartilage on the window panes of broom stores. This IS heaven.


Chapter SIX

They enter the foyer among evil, pasty, hobbity- Ufgoody goblins. They're running the money show -- Clever turnips - these needleteeth! Imagine a human of about 3 years of age with antler-like nose and ears and a jellyfish draped over it's head then stuffed into a Leprechaun suit.


Soon they are riding to the vaults on a roller coaster. The grossest-looking humanoid in the world tries to scuttles around on his moon-shaped limbs -- it tries to remain cool, and orders Haggar and Harry to follow it. It unlocks the door and backs away, trying to resemble what it thinks is a cool-looking person, but in reality, it is freaking Haggar and Harry out miserably!


[Haggar] This is between you, me, and the little Paddy McGrossout, okay, HP?



Chapter SEVEN

Narrator: (on Ed Vanders) Harry gazes at the man's skin, a ketchup-y callous of a face. 'I will make spells that save me from looking like him' Harry makes that mental note, I assure you. The mental notes are stacking..


Narrator: Round two... a bigger wand, he suspects, will be suitable. Harry, now bored and tired, brandishes again. KABLOOMERS! DESTRRUCTI-ONNNN!

Vanders, with a 'why didn't I think of it before?' look... The look that everyone's dad puts on when he's trying to pick on shoes and clothes for their kid... even though they have had thought of this before, from the beginning in fact... they just wanna draw out the afternoon with needless driving around and tryings-on because they don't know what to do with their kids. Well... he puts on that kind of look. And music galore fills the shop...



Other Chapters

Narrator: The crowd goes absolutely bazonkers! The champions in red and yellow are the victors, and Harry is spent. The crowd is destroying its throats calling Harry’s name. Harry feels right with himself. He’s down there, a new god who has found a calling. He holds up that Snitch and bellows: ‘I am a beautiful animal! ‘I am a destroyer of worlds! ‘I am Harry Fucking Potter!’ And, dear readers, at last the world was quiet.


Narrator: And Harry responds, 'I wish you luck on not hating your parents for mixing up such an unthinkable person'. (To Snake)


Narrator: Just as it all is coming together, a special delivery is dropped for Harry by a post office bird. The package is looked on dubiously, but soon the three tear away the paper wondering at its contents. 'Wilikers! The broom I wanted way back in Calgon Alley! The Necromo Denembros Alafosagoso! Who could have done this?!' Well, well. Maybe...maybe it was Softcastle McCormick. Wink wink, Harry. Wink. Wink.


[Upon discovering a mirror that is the gateway to heaven. Harry brings Ronnie the Bear before the gate of heaven]

Narrator: When Ron the Mighty has stood in front of the gate of heaven he begins to denounce it. He cries, 'heaven is for those too scared of nothingness, I will go no further then my mortal flesh will carry. This mirror is the sick bed of heaven Harry, the eternity of pansy lies.' Ronnie will have nothing to do with the mirror, he is only concerned with the flesh and blood of the now. This destroys Harry. Ron leaves him to contemplate his stupid mirror, and the design of the cosmos versus the terminal beauty of being a wizard.

Narrator: For 43 days straight, Harry sits in front of the gate of Heaven. Waiting for either God to appear or for Ronnie to come back and apologize. But to Harry's surprise, neither show up. Only Near-Dead Dumbledore stumbles upon the vigil. Harry is considerably weakened, and actually taken surprised by Dumbledore's presence. Dumbledore starts in 'don't you want some soup or cocoa, Harry? Come away from the light of heaven's easy life. We need such a valiant, beautiful warrior as yourself, here, to live and to hack the serpents of evil in two. Hell, into two's, into three's and four's! Your life will be the very envy of heaven and its slobbery inhabitants. No Harry, you were meant to stride with us, the living. To course with us and our blood. You were meant to end when your share of that blood turns brown on the Rocks of Glory. You and I shall drink tonight Harry. We shall drink to life's confines, to life's pearly end which is the nothingness of death. Not the perpetual pansiness of heaven!'

Narrator:Dumbledore is shaking with passion. He is beckoning Harry to enter into the sphere of manhood. Harry is all but wrapped in a buffalo skin, dancing and shaking a bow and arrow, around a ceremonial fire. His rite of passage is here, now. He's like a young Native American, preparing to answer the question of life. Dumbledore's all a quiver, awaiting Harry's answer, and Harry answers 'yes.'


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