Dr. Frederick Frankenstein
- I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen.
- From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man!," our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself.
- [When reminded of his grandfather's story while holding a scalpel] My grandfather's work was doo-doo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! [As he screams the last word, Frederick drives the scalpel into his leg. He releases his hand, looks at the scalpel, and covers it with his other leg.] Class... is... dismissed.
- MY NAME IS FRANKENSTEIN!!!
- [Seeing his monster move] Alive! It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!!!
- [Trying to make his monster live] LIFE, DO YOU HEAR ME?! GIVE MY CREATION LIFE!!!!
- [Giving a demonstration of voluntary and reflex movements with Mr, Hilltop] Reflex movements are those made independently of the will, and are carried out along pathways [puts arm around Mr. Hilltop's shoulder] that pass between the periphral nervous system and the central nervous system... you filthy rotten yellow son of a bitch! [Swiftly starts to knee Mr. Hilltop in the privates, but is instinctly blocked by him]
- [When called "eee-gore"] No, it's pronounced, "Eye-gore".
- [running gag] Blücher!! [horses whinny]
[All lines are read in a very heavy Romanian accent]
- A riot is an ugly thingk, undt vonce you get vun shtarted, there is little shance of shtopping it, short of bluudshet. I think, before we go around killing peeple, we had better made DAMN sure of our evidence, undt... [As the crowd around him recovers from the loudness of his statement, he breathes on his monocle, wipes it, and puts it back over his eyepatch.] Ve had better confeerm the fect that Yungk Frankenstein is, indeed, vollowing in his grandfather's vootshtops! [His audience, confused, collectively shout "What?!"] Vollowing in his grandfather's vootshtops. Vootshtops, vootshtops! [After pantomiming the act of "footsteps", the audience finally understands] I think vhat is in order is for me to pay a little visit on ze good doctor undt to have a nice, quiet shet.
- A riot is an ungly thingk... undt, I tink, that it is chust about time ve had vun.
- For as long as I can remember, people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which was my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear! [looks down at the unconscious Dr. Frankenstein] I live because this poor, half-crazed genius has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful. And then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.
- Dr. Frankenstein: You must be Igor.
- Igor: No, it's pronounced "eye-gor."
- Dr. Frankenstein: But they told me it was "ee-gor."
- Igor: Well, they were wrong then, weren't they?
- Inga: Werewolf!
- Dr. Frankenstein: Werewolf?
- Igor: There.
- Dr. Frankenstein: What?
- Igor: There, wolf. There, castle.
- Dr. Frankenstein: Why are you talking that way?
- Igor: I thought you wanted to.
- Dr. Frankenstein: No, I don't want to.
- Igor: [shrugs] Suit yourself. I'm easy.
- Dr. Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
- Igor: What hump?
- Dr. Frankenstein: For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged.
- Inga: His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
- Dr. Frankenstein: Precisely.
- Inga: [her eyes get wide] He vould have an enormous schwanzschtücker.
- Dr. Frankenstein: [ponders this a moment] That goes without saying.
- Inga: Voof.
- Igor: He's going to be very popular.
- Dr. Frankenstein: Damn your eyes!
- Igor: [To the audience] Too late.
- Dr. Frankenstein: [To Igor] Igor, may I speak to you for a moment?
- Igor: Of course.
- Dr. Frankenstein: Sit down, won't you?
- Igor: Thank you. [sits on the floor]
- Dr. Frankenstein: No no, up here.
- Igor: Thank you. [sits on a chair]
- Dr. Frankenstein: Now... that brain that you gave me... was it Hans Delbruck's?
- Igor: [Crosses arms] No.
- Dr. Frankenstein: [Holds up hand] Ah. Good. Uh... would you mind telling me... whose brain... I did put in?
- Igor: And you won't be angry?
- Dr. Frankenstein: I will not be angry.
- Igor: [Shrugs] Abby...someone.
- Dr. Frankenstein: Abby someone? Abby who?
- Igor: Abby Normal.
- Dr. Frankenstein: [takes a deep breath] Abby Normal?
- Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name. [He and Dr. Frankenstein laugh]
- Dr. Frankenstein: Are you saying... [Stands] that I put an abnormal brain... [Puts hand on Igor's hump] into a 7 and a half foot long... 54- inch wide... [Grabs Igor by throat] GORILLA?!?!?! [Strangling Igor] IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME!?!
- Igor: You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things happened to him, the things he'd say to me...
- Dr. Frankenstein: What would he say?
- Igor: "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night!? Why don't you get out of there, give someone else a chance!" [goes back to eating]
- Dr. Frankenstein: Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door!
- Inga: Yes, Doctor.
- Igor: [sarcastically] Nice workin' with ya.
- [Dr. Frankenstein enters the Monster's cell, accidentally bumping into a table. The Monster awakens, roaring with rage. Panicking, Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the door.]
- Dr. Frankenstein: Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. [Turns to the Monster, then back to the door] What's the matter with you people? I WAS JOKING! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? [Sarcastically] HA HA HA! [Begins pounding on the door; outside, Frau Blūcher stops Inga and Igor from trying to open the cell.] Jesus Christ, let me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! MOMMY!!!
- Frau Blucher: [blocking the door as Inga and Igor again try to open the cell] Nein!
- [The Monster roars, shrugging off its chains. Dr. Frankenstein turns back to the Monster, deciding a different approach...]
- Dr. Frankenstein: Hello, handsome! [The Monster looks momentarily wrong-footed] You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are JEALOUS! Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a GOD! And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... GOOD! [The Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frankenstein hugs him] This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him! I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire!
- Inga: [from outside] Dr. Fronkensteen! Are you all right?
- Dr. Frankenstein: MY NAME IS FRANKENSTEIN!!!
While examining a shelf of dead, disembodied heads, they come across Igor
- Igor: [singing] I! I ain't got nobody, and nobody cares for me. [scatting]
- Dr. Frankenstein: Igor!
- Igor: Frodrick!
- Dr. Frankenstein: How did you get here?
- Igor: Through the dumbwaiter. I heard the strangest music from the upstairs kitchen and I just... followed it down. Call it... a hunch. Ba-dum SHI!