Live at the Purple Onion (2007)
- Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm saying that right.
- I was named after my grand dad. Yes, my full name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
- If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They're exactly... well, they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.
- Seriously! , this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63
- I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.
- I failed kindergarden because I couldn't spell my last name.
- Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis, Galifianakis. Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'". I'm like "That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-fuck' please?"
- When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my "dairy."
- When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.
- Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."
- Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
- At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
- I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.
- My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
- I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
- I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?
- I call my balls the bush twins.
- I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
- This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"
- That was some really great "fatcting".
- The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.
- The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!
Between Two Ferns (2008-2011)
Saturday Night Live (March 12, 2011)
- The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.
- I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.
Saturday Night Live (May 4, 2013)
- I once played charades with a couple that was deaf.....they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business.
- I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know. I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000.
- Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets.
- Here's something you'll never see in Brail: "If you see something, say something".