Zach Galifianakis

Zachary Knight "Zach" Galifianakis (born October 1, 1969) is a Greek-American comedian, actor and writer.

Live at the Purple Onion (2007)

• Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm saying that right.

• I was named after my grand dad. Yes, my full name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

• If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They're exactly... well, they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.

• Seriously! , this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63

• I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.

• I failed kindergarden because I couldn't spell my last name.

• Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis, Galifianakis. Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'". I'm like "That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-fuck' please?"

• When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my "dairy."

• When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.

• Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."

• Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

• At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

• I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.

• My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

• I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

• I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?

• I call my balls the bush twins.

• I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

• This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"

• That was some really great "fatcting".

• The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.

• The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!

Between Two Ferns (2008-2011)

• You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman)

Saturday Night Live (March 12, 2011)

• The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.

• I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.