Archer (season 2)

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The following is a list of quotes from the second season Archer.

Swiss Miss [2.1][edit]

Anka: I'm from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.
Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?
Anka: In many ways, yes.
Anka: That's no fun, then you don't get to squirt that hot white cream all over your face!
Archer: Why aren't you with Gillette?!

A Going Concern [2.2][edit]

Archer: [looking into Malory's desk, seeing it's rigged] Oh, come on! What could be so secret, she wired it up with twelve pounds of C-4? Ugh, I don't...think I even want to know. [calls Ray on his cell]
Ray: [annoyed] What?
Archer: Heh, nice. Here, take a look at this. [takes a picture of the C-4 wires] All right, which of these wires—
Ray: Blue and yellow.
Archer: The blue—you want to look at it for more than half a second?
Ray: I wired the damn thing, ass!
Archer: Well, I didn't know that, ass! [cuts the wires, then opens the top drawer, pulling a memory stick out] Okay...
Ray: Oh, my God.
Archer: What?
Ray: I lied. I didn't wire it.
Archer: What?!
Ray: Ba-dum-bump-ding!
Archer: You think that's funny?! [punches the drawer shut; it promptly starts vibrating] Wha—
Ray: Not compared to that.
Archer: What is that?
Ray: Oh, yeah.
Archer: No.
Ray: Yeaaaah.
Archer: No!
Ray: Not a bumblebee, is it?
Archer: Okay, it's over, and... you're sure you don't wanna marry that woman?
Len: Oh, God, no. You know what I want?
Archer: Tell me.
Len: Some of that lettuce?
Archer: ...Um... okay...
Len: Actually can I have all of it? And the bunny attached to it? He is attached, right? Can I have the bunny and the lettuce?
Archer: Um, can we give Lenny the rabbit?
Len: And the lettuce!
Archer: ...Sure thing. Go to town.
Len: Yeah, 'cause, you know... they're brothers.
Archer: Um. Is he always gonna be like this now because I feel bad.!

Blood Test [2.3][edit]

Lana: So as far as Archer is concerned, I feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.
Cheryl: Yeah, but Cyril was... oh wait, did he have some sort of character flaw?
[Brief shots of Lana walking in on Cyril having sex with Scatterbrain Jane, Framboise, and Cheryl (whom he is choking); Cyril is looking up and nervously saying "Hello" in each one]
Lana: Couple things...
[She lunges at Cheryl. They fight throughout the following]
Cheryl: Bring it!
Ray: Yeah, we are code blue here.
Pam: Hey. Yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.
Ray: No, I meant, like, for her face...
Cheryl: [To Lana] Choke me!
Pam: No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.
Ray: Oh my God yes! But your place is disgusting, so where could we have it?
Pam: Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.
Lana: [letting up on Cheryl] He'll hate that. I wanna come.
Cheryl: Ohhhhh, I think I just did.
Trinette: Ew, what is this? Homemade salad dressing?
Dr. Krieger: Breast milk.
Trinette: Ew! I actually... have my own.
Dr. Krieger: So... you won't need this.
[Grabs jar and walks away]
Cheryl: Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags and a book about SIDS.
Trinette: What, what kind of shit gift is that?!
Pam: Yeah, I made mine.
Dr. Krieger: [shouting from distance] Me too!
Archer: [with Woodhouse] That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.
Dr. Krieger: Me too!
. . .
Trinette: [holding Seamus] Somebody's got a full diaper.
Dr. Krieger: [shouting from distance] Me too!

Pipeline Fever [2.4][edit]

Cajun guy: You should'a called first... this is the only airboat for fi'ty miles, and it reserved.
Archer: What do you mean, "Reserved"?
Cajun guy: Is that not self-explanatory?
Lana: [Offering a big stack of cash] Perhaps we can work something out.
Cajun guy: Sure, if you take that money, buy you a time machine, go back in time, and be the first person to reserve that airboat.
Archer: That's just great. She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and... not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.

The Double Deuce [2.5][edit]

Archer: You realise you're in huge trouble?
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: And now I have to spend my first Friday off in forever devising some bizarre punishment for you?
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: So don't be surprised if you end up eating a whole bunch of... spiderwebs.
Woodhouse: Then they gave me the VC and my papers... medical discharge.
Stinky: Because of the scalps.
Woodhouse: Oh for-
Archer: The what?!
Stinky: German scalps!
Archer: What?!
Stinky: Must've been fifty of 'em!
Archer: That's a lot of scalps.
Stinky: Could've made a blanket.

Tragical History [2.6][edit]

Pam: Frickin' head's poundin', I'm sweatin' booze and my mouth's killin' me!
Cheryl: You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.
Pam: Personal best!
Lana: Your mother must be SO proud.
Archer: Get me drunk enough and I might have sex with you.
Pam: Really?
Archer: No! Its a catch-22. The amount of alcohol it would take would literally kill me!
Pam: Dick.
Archer: But I do want to see how many pool balls you can fit in your mouth.
Pam: My record is three.

Movie Star [2.7][edit]

Pam: So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?
Cheryl: Dick Sledge.
Ray: You wanna...
Pam: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Cheryl: Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...
Pam: Sploosh!
Ray: Jinx.
Cheryl: ...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...
Pam: You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...
Cheryl: Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Pam: Why'd you have a knife?!
Cheryl: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!
Pam: Holy shitsnacks.
Cheryl: Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.
Rona: [with Lana's sniper scope] Oh my God, I can see my penthouse!
Lana: Well unless there's a sniper in it...
Rona: Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!
[In the penthouse are Ray and Pam with their hands up, and Cheryl, whose hands are behind her back]
Ray: We are! We're complying!
Cop: You! Get your fricking hands up!
Cheryl: You're not my supervisor!
Pam: Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.
Cheryl: No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Ray: I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
Rona: These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp.
Lana: Ah...
Rona: And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...
Lana: Wait, what?!
Rona: It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.
Archer: [Eavesdropping] Oh yeah? While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit covered tape? ... Frickin' actresses.

Stage Two [2.8][edit]

Malory: Pam, those quarterly reports better be on my desk when I walk in there!
Pam: Ummm... Are you walking in there right now?
[Malory has revealed she may have breast cancer]
Krieger: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.
Malory: [Sarcastically] Thanks. I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.
Krieger: I don't have one of those...
Cut shot of Krieger battling and executing a squealing creature.
Krieger: ... Anymore.
Archer: It's a pink ribbon, I have breast cancer.
Brett: [Laughing] Seriously, breast cancer?
Archer: Yes.
Brett: Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?
Archer: [Laughing weakly] Excuse me.
[He leaps on Brett and starts punching him.]
Archer: [Between punches] I'm trying... to stay positive... both mentally... and spiritually... Brett!
Cyril: Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.
Ray: Nah, he's beatin' his ass.

Placebo Effect [2.9][edit]

[Inside the Irish mob's warehouse, Archer has tied up three mobsters and written "Irish" on the wall above them]
Mobster 1: You don't know who you're messin' with, boyo. Do ya have any idea who our boss is?
Archer: [Placing shells in a sawed-off shotgun] Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board...
[Archer cocks the shotgun and puts it up to the mobster's knee]
Archer: Name the douchebag who's in charge!
Mobster 1: Vincent... Van Go-fuck-yourself.
Archer: Vincent Van Go-fuck-myself. Survey says! [Blows his kneecap off]
Mobster 1: AAAAAARRRGGHHHHHH!
Mobster 3: Oh, Christ!
Lana: JESUS! Archer!
Archer: What, Lana!? I said it was a rampage!
Lana: Still, though!
Mobster 1: Uurgh, you son of a hoor!
Archer: Save it for the fast-money round, Paddy! [Moves on to second mobster] Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board, name the douchebag who's in charge!
[The second mobster doesn't speak]
Archer: [Imitating buzzer] Eh-Eh! Need an answer!
[The second mobster spits in Archer's face]
Archer: Hmm, cock-flavored spit. Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. Lemme see cock-flavored spit! [Blows the second mobster's kneecap off] That's two strikes!
[Camera pans out to reveal three Latino janitors tied up with "Jañitoros" written on the wall above them]
Archer: One more and the innocent Honduran janitors get a chance to steal the bank! [To Hondurans] I'm just gonna assume you guys don't actually know what goes on here. I hope that doesn't sound racist. [Moves on to the third mobster] Okay, kid...
Lana: He is a kid, Archer!
Archer: LANA! You're in the isolation booth! [To young mobster] Looking for the douchebag who's-!
Mobster 1: Mikey Hannity... you say one word and I'll cut your yellow heart right out!
Archer: [Makes buzzer noise again] Eh-Eh! [Shoots first mobster, killing him]
Mikey: Oh, Christ!
Archer: Mikey, you gotta listen to me, buddy...I have breast cancer.
Mobster 2: [Laughing] Breast cancer!?
Archer: [Shoots second mobster, killing him as well] So you'll forgive my impatience because I, and a lot of other people, have been trying to fight cancer with your boss's fake chemo drugs.
Mikey: CHEMO? They just told me it was cream for male pattern baldness!
Archer: [Loading shells into his shotgun] Do I look like I need bald guy cream?
Mikey: No, no, I-!
Archer: Mikey, I can barely get a comb through this! It's so thick my barber charges me double! I love my hair. [Cocks shotgun] As I'm sure you love your kneecaps.
Mikey: Franny Delaney! He runs everything out here in Brooklyn! Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution-!
Archer: Victimless crimes, Mikey! Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs!
Mikey: They make the pharmacist buy the real stuff! Delaney sells it to...I swear I don't know who! But they switch it with the fake stuff here! [Looks toward Hondurans] And those pricks do all the packing!
Archer: [To Hondurans] Wh-you guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist!
Lana: Were you?
Mikey: Ah, they don't know what goes on here! They can't even read English! All those dirty beaners care about is taking American jobs!
Archer: Hey, relax, Hannity! It wasn't that long ago that everybody hated [Pokes Mikey in the chest with the shotgun] the IRISH for swarming here in their potato boats and taking all the jobs!
Mikey: Yeah, but-wait, what?
Archer: And I'm pretty sure, [To Hondurans] and guys, feel free to correct me, that beaner is a pejorative term for a Mexican? Esta correcto o nao?
[The Hondurans remain silent, obviously, as they are gagged]
Archer: [Putting away shotgun] Huh. Thought there'd be a little more overlap with the Portuguese.
Lana: Well, plus, they're gagged.
Archer: Still, though. [Picks up an IV drip, then looks to Mikey] And third, is this the real stuff?
Mikey: Yeah, this is all real. Why?
Archer: [Holds the needle end of the drip] Because I'm way behind on my treatment.
Lana: Wait, Archer, what are you doing?
Archer: I'm sorry, Lana, did I mention I have cancer?
Lana: I know, but... now? In mid... rampage? You really think that's a good idea?
Archer: [Sarcastically] Hmmm, let me see... to take my prescribed chemotherapy for my said, aforementioned cancer? Yes, idiot, I do!
Cyril: Krieger's father was a Nazi scientist!
Malory: And JFK's father was a bootlegger.
Cyril: That's like comparing apples to... Nazi oranges!
Malory: Oranges, exactly! Do you like powdered orange breakfast drink?
Cyril: No, not really.
Malory: How about microwave ovens, Neil Armstrong, hook-and-loop fasteners?
Cyril: OK, you lost me...
Malory: None of those things would have been possible without the Nazi scientists we brought back after World War II.
Cyril: The Nazis invented Neil Armstrong?
Malory: Rockets! Which put him on the moon. After the war ended, we were snatching up kraut scientists like hotcakes. You don't believe me? Walk into NASA sometime and yell "Heil Hitler!" WOOP! They all jump straight up!

El Secuestro [2.10][edit]

[Growling sound is heard. Archer and Lana pull out their guns]

Lana: What the-?
Archer: What the hell is that?
Cheryl: Ugh, my stupid ocelot.
Archer: [Leaves, excited] I've never seen an ocelot!
Malory: Uh, Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but-
Archer: [OC] Holy shit! You guys, look at its little spots!
Malory: How much are you-
Archer: Look at its tufted ears!
Malory: Worth?
Lana: Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.
Malory: Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?
[Cut to garage]
Archer: Yes!
Ray: Why?!
Archer: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!
Ray: Is it working?
Archer: Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!
Ray: I am gay.
Archer: Well, I'm not!
Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?

Jeu Monegasque [2.11][edit]

Ray: Voila!
Malory: No! I am not sharing a room with you!
Ray: No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.
Malory: Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?
Ray: Hey! You know what?
Lana: Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...
Malory: Exactly, two of you.
Ray: Exsqueeze me?
Archer: I have a plan to get the money back. [Sees Ray carrying a bag of toiletries] That doesn't include you taking my hotel toiletries!
Ray: You're not using them.
Archer: Yes, I am.
Ray: Go look at your pores then tell me you're using them. Then tell me your little genius plan.
Archer: Rob the casino.
Ray: Thanks for the lotion.

White Nights [2.12][edit]

Malory: Pam!
Pam: [From outside office] I'm not eavesdropping...
Malory: Get your bloated carcass in here!
Pam: [Entering] Whattup?
Malory: You filthy sneak! You've been going through my desk?
Pam: OK, A: No-one cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant. B: Sometimes I work late and C: There's this new thing all the kids are doing called Shutting the Damn Door!
Archer: So Barry, looks like the whole "find out who my father is" thing isn't happening and so now I just want to get outta here so I'm thinking that we probably should split up.
Barry: [nervous] No, no, no! No please! A-Archer, your boots are slipping, man!
Archer: Probably because there's 200 pounds of asshole hanging off them.
Barry: 183, Fatboy!
Archer: Whatever, tell that to my silk socks.
Barry: Why are you wearing silk socks?
Archer: [beat] is that a joke?
Barry: Archer, let-let me climb up you! No! Please! Archer, Don't!
Archer: Barry. Barry, buddy, this is happening.
Barry: Archer, no!
Archer: so, try to aim for that dumpster.
Barry: [falls from Archer's lower half, taking his shoes and socks with him] Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhaaa!!!
Archer: Bye, Barry. Dead center. Good work, Barry. [angry] Oh, for... Why don't you just go to my house and take all my clothes!?

Double Trouble [2.13][edit]

Pam: This deuce aint gonna drop itself!
Archer: You realise I can never unhear that? … Why are you crying?
Pam: Because I got ripped in a bar last night and I was trying to beat my record for cramming pool balls in my mouth when some a-hole slaps me on the back and…
Archer: No! You swallowed a pool ball?
Pam: I wish just one. And I’ve still got two to go, so if you don’t mind. [Closes door]
Archer: Pam, wait! I had something… what was it? … Uh, something about stripes and solids.
Ray: How 'bout a disgraced former minister. Long story, kinda boring, but I am still licensed by the state to perform marriages, the irony of which is not lost on me.[1]

Notes[edit]

1.^  At the time this episode aired, same-sex marriage was not yet legal in New York, where much of the show takes place.

External links[edit]

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