Beavis and Butt-head
Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011) was an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head.
[Beavis and Butt-head are walking, until they see a woman stood outside a beatnik club.]
- Butt-head: Whoa, check it out.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Female beatnik:
- "Your touch me, I shiver
- Your tongue, I quiver
- My loins, my liver
- I, the taker; you, the giver"
- Butt-head: Whoa. I've got something to give her.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Female beatnik: Did you like my poem?
- Butt-head: Uh…your what?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Your loins, your liver!
- Female beatnik: There's plenty more inside.
- Butt-head: Cool.
[Beavis and Butt-head laugh as they step inside.]
[Beavis and Butt-head are watching a beatnik perform on stage.]
- Omar: "And then, my friend, you die. [louder] And then, my friend, you die, man! And then… [gasps] …my friend."
- Beavis: You die! Yeah.
- Omar: Thank you.
- Butt-head: That was cool.
- Cafe Owner: Thank you, Omar. Is there anyone who'd like to read now? Any new blood?
- Butt-head: [to Beavis] Check this out. [to everyone] Uh…I got some rhymes for the house.
- Cafe Owner: What's your name, young brother?
- Butt-head: Uh…Butt-head.
- Cafe Owner: Cool. Let's groove for a while with Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Butt-head: Groove with me, people. [chuckles] This is gonna be cool.
[Beavis walks up to a male beatnik at a table.]
- Beavis: Um…I'm just gonna sit here, yeah.
- Male beatnik: Yeah, man, take a load off.
- Beavis: [chuckles] Take a load.
- Butt-head: Check this out. Uh…there once was a man from Venus, with a rocket ship for a…a…wiener.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! [pounds table]
- Butt-head: Uh…okay. Here's--
- Waiter: [to Beavis and male beatnik] Hi, what can I bring you guys?
- Beavis: Um…
- Butt-head: [in background] Here I sit--
- Male beatnik: Uh, yeah, get me a triple amaretto cappuccino, low on the foam, a double shot, and bring the man here one too, right?
- Butt-head: The phone is ringing, and I cannot linger. So, look out, butt, here comes my finger.
- Butt-head: And then, my friend, you die.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! You die! [pounds table]
- Butt-head: That was cool.
[waiter hands Beavis and male beatnik their drinks.]
- Beavis: Um…um…
- Male beatnik: Try it, man, come on. It's--It's cappuccino.
- Beavis: [chuckles] Crappuccino? Crappuccino. [chuckles] Yeah. [takes a sip]
- Butt-head: [in background] Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.
- Male beatnik: Yeah, copasetic, dialectic.
- Beavis: Wahhh! Copasetic, copasetic! Gimme that. [snatches other drink and downs it.]
- Butt-head: [in background] This is a pee-pee--no.
- Waiter: Hi, more cappuccino?
- Beavis: I need crappuccino for my bunghole! Gimme that! [chittering] [snatches coffee pot from waiter and drinks it all.]
- Butt-head: [in background] Uh, I'll tell that one later.
- Beavis: [speaking gibberish]
- Butt-head: There once was a lady from China, with a popsicle in her--
- Cafe Owner: [pulls microphone away from Butt-head as the feedback whines.] Thanks, thanks, kid. That was organic. Let's give someone else a shot at the mic.
[Beavis has his shirt over his head and jumps up from table.]
- Beavis: [chittering] I am Cornholio! My bunghole will speak now! [runs into another table] Ah, hey. Are you threatening me? I must have more crappuccino for my bunghole. [snatches drink] Bungholio, bungholio. [slurping]
[Beavis is onstage.]
- Beavis: [gibbering incoherently] I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole! I want all your crappuccino!
- Butt-head: [sitting at table with male beatnik and another man.] Do it, brother Beavis.
- Beavis: Are you threatening me?! You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole. My bunghole, it goes bungo. Tungo, tungo, tungo. Tungo! Rap-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa. And one for you. Parrrrr! [gulps]
- Man: [to Butt-head] Hi, I run the multicultural poetry program at the university. Your friend is, uh, unusual. What is he? Hispanic? Russian?
- Butt-head: Uh…yeah. He's Russian. [chuckles]
- Man: Uh…hmm. Amazing energy. I'd love to see his portfolio.
- Beavis: Portfolio? Folio, folio? Arriba, arriba, yeah. I come from Lake Titicaca.
- Male beatnik: Hey, man, you've been holding out on us. Where'd you get all those crazy rhymes?
- Beavis: Would you like to see my portfoilo? I have a portfolio in my bunghole with my oleo.
- Waiter: Wow, this is ground-breaking stuff, man.
- Beavis: [gibbering]
[Beavis is still onstage, but the sugar effect has worn off.]
- Beavis: [groaning] [hits his head on the microphone; microphone feedback whines.] Hey, how's it going? Oh, yeah. Um, roses are-- no. Um… Heh. Oh, I know. Uh…here I sit, brokenhearted, I pay the quarter-- You got a quarter?
- Man: Well, his 15 minutes of fame are over. I guess nobody can keep up that kind of intensity.
- Male beatnik: Wait, I want more. Man, he's not done. [to waiter] Alphons, Bring my boy another cappuccino, a quadruple.
- Beavis: Quarter, pay the dime…
[Waiter hands Beavis his drink.]
- Male beatnik: Yeah, leave the pot.
- Beavis: Oh, thanks. Yeah. [slurps drink] Yep. [slurps from coffee pot] Mmm. [gibbering incoherently] Yeah! [pulls shirt over head] I am the great Cornholio! You have awaken my bunghole! And now you must pay! [chittering] The streets will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers! [chuckles] That would be cool. [gibbering]
Bang The Drum Slowly, Dumbass
- Mr. Van Driessen: Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.
- Butt-head: Beavis wrestles with his manhood.
- Beavis: Yeah, heh, I usually win.
- Butt-head: [bangs the drum] This sucks. [bangs it again] Uh….this sucks. [bangs it some more] This sucks.
- Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.
- Beavis: Heheh, no way! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!
- Beavis: [beats drum] Woah, that was pretty cool. [beats the drum and laughs, getting progressively faster]
- Mr. Van Driessen: Okay Beavis, now let that wild man within put his feelings into words.
- Beavis: Yeah, hehe, it’s like, it’s like, I wanna check out chicks' thingies! I wanna see their thingies! But they won’t let me! And that just makes me wanna check them out even more!
- Other dude 1: We feel your male pain.
- Beavis: I feel like I’m never gonna score! And chicks don’t wanna talk to me! Like, I wanna go up and say ‘Hey baby how’s it goin?’ heh. And then just like, they just go away! And then they slap me!
- Other dude 2: I can identify with that….I guess.
- Beavis: And sometimes I just wanna like, get a big bulldozer and I just wanna like, bulldoze the walls to the girls' locker room! That way I can see their boobs!
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Beavis: It’s like I know they’re naked inside there, and I just can’t stand it! And then, and then I wanna take the bulldozer and like, I wanna bulldoze the cafeteria too! And then the library! Destroy all the books! Eheheheheh, and then I wanna go to the principal’s office, and bulldoze the principal’s office too! EHEHEHEH!
- Other dude 1: I think someone’s inner warrior needs to go back to basic training…
- Beavis: Things will never turn out they way they-!
- Mr. Van Driessen: [interrupting] Maybe you need professional help, Beavis. [reaches over to get the drum back]
- Beavis: [beats his hand away] NEVER!
- Other dude 3: Someone take that damn drum away from him!
- Other dude 2: What the hell are you teaching these kids of yours anyway?
- Other dude 1: You know, the guys at the gym were right, you ARE a pantywaist.
- Other dude 3: And you said this was the way to recapture the spirit of Woodstock? Woodstock my ass!
- Beavis: [beating the drum each time he says it] Naked boobs, naked boobs, naked boobs!
- Beavis: [tired, some time at least a day later, when school is back in session and Mr. Van Driessen asks Butt-head where he is] I get the crane with the wrecking ball, and the bulldozer, one of those really nice shovels, and a backhoe and a forklift, a front end loader and a combine. and um…a getaway car and some rubbers. Only then will I score. Butt-head?
Another Friday Night
- Butt-head: Whoa, the cops are here. Maybe they're gonna shoot somebody.
[Beavis and Butt-head are jumping on the bells at the gas station]
- Gas station worker: Quit jumping on my bells you punks, or I'll give you something to jump about.
- Butt-head:Uh, Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls?"
- Beavis: QUIT JUMPING ON MY BALLS!
- Gas station worker: Look, I'll give you this bottle to break out back if stop distracting my customers.
[The two head to the back of the gas station to break the bottle, but they soon see a tyre]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Poop Poop. That's the biggest tire I ever saw.
- [Beavis' ride in the tire causes not only a car crash, but also makes Todd spill a small drop of beer onto his jeans]
- Todd: Aw, Dammit! My good jeans.
[Beavis then hits a car on cinder blocks,owned by a redneck couple, killing the man underneath. Butt-head soon follows up]
- Redneck Woman: HEY! IF YOU STEP ON MY PROPERTY AGAIN, I'LL SHOOT YOUR ASS!
[Todd arrives at the parking lot where he is about to attack Beavis for making him spill beer on his jeans.]
- Todd: You pre-schoolers are dead! You made me spill beer all over my jeans!
- Butt-head: Do you want me to kick Beavis' ass for you?
- Todd: That won't be necessary, man.
- Spelling: Butt-head, perhaps you see a part of yourself in Michael.
- Butt-head: Yeah, my butt.
- Spelling: And Beavis, is that what you feel?
- Butt-head: Beavis feels himself.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Heh, I'll kick your ass!
- Butt-head: [thinking] You will get the chick across from you. You will see her thingies. It is going to be cool.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis! We've got a room full of chicks here who do it for free, and all you can think about is why there aren't more guys here?!
- Beavis: Ummm, yea, hehheh.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I'm a little dissapointed in you!
- Beavis: Hey, Butt-head. I bet if we had a bomb, Pantera would hang out with us.
- Butt-head: Yeah. We could make 'em hang out with us.
- Beavis: I was like, AGHH!! MY LEG!! Uh I mean, AGHH!! MY NECK!!!
- Girl 2: We'll take you for a ride.
- Mr. Buzzcut: For today's positive activity you're gonna wash my wagoneer!
- Patsy: Umm, that's not what my dad said we're gonna do.
- Mr. Buzzcut: Your dad's not here, boy! And for the tenth time, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna positively kill you!
- Butt-head: Heh heh heh heh, "wood."
- Beavis: Heh heh, "boner!"
- Butt-head:[About the place where the guy killed his brother]It was your idea in the first place, buttknocker.
- Beavis:Hey don't call me "buttknocker" Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Turn on the lights, buttknocker. I can't see anything!
- Beavis: [Angrily] Stop calling me "buttknocker"!
- Butt-head: Beavis, you buttmunch, turn on the light before I kick your ass!
- Beavis: [Calmly] Okay. That's better. [Switches the lamp on]
- Butt-head: [Scoping the living room, which resembles their own living room] This is cool… So,uh… where do you think he killed him?
- Beavis: Hmm, let's see. It looks like he fell. I'd have to say he died right about here. [Points to an outline of the victim's lying position] Yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Oh, yeah.
- Beavis: Whoa! [Walks toward tire iron] Check out this thing. [Picks up tire iron] I bet he hit him with this.
- Butt-head: Don't be stupid, Beavis. That's for, like, changing tires and stuff.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. [Throws tire iron right next to the lamp table] Whoa. [Spots a TV remote and picks it up] Hey, I got the remote. Let's see what's on TV.
- Butt-head: Beavis, I told you I wasn't gonna let you touch the remote anymore. [Makes an unsuccessful grab for the remote] Now, give me that, buttknocker!
- Beavis: No way, and stop calling me "buttknocker"!
- Butt-head: [Climbs toward Beavis] Give it here, before I kick your buttknockering ass! [Manages to grip the remote with Beavis still holding it, before they drop it on the floor]
- Beavis: Stop calling me that, Butt-head! [Punches Butt-head twice in the stomach] Stop it!
- Butt-head: [Knees Beavis in the groin] Buttknocker!
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up!! [Growls uncontrollably, Beavis and Butt-head fall behind couch] I'm gonna kill you, Butt-head!! I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you!!!
- Butt-head: [knocks lamp over] Oh, yeah? [Throws punch at Beavis, most likely his head] You and what other buttknockers?
- Beavis: [Beavis and Butt-head fall on the couch, then the floor] Shut up, Butt-head!!
- Butt-head: Buttknocker…
- Beavis: SHUT UP!
- Butt-head: Buttknocker…
- Beavis: STOP IT!
- Butt-head: Buttknocker…
- Beavis: I'LL KILL YOU!!!
- Police Lieutenant: [Barges in] GET HIM!
- Beavis: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! [Growls uncontrollably, then gets apprehended by the officers] Come on! Let me go! I'm gonna kill Butt-head! I'm gonna kill him! [Growls uncontrollably]
- Butt-head: [Watches as Beavis is taken away] That was cool. [Laughs in lower pitch than normal] Uh huh huh huh.
- Beavis:[To a criminal about Butt-head]He keeps calling me "buttknocker" & he won't stop & IT PISSE ME OFF!!!
- Butt-head:[Pointing to beavis]There he is,The buttknocker in the middle.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, huh huh huh. If you like, abstract a chick, huh huh huh, then I can like, stick it in her taco! Huh huh huh.
- Beavis: Heh heh heh m heh No way, Butt-head! We have to like, give her the Spanish Fly first!
- Butt-head: What the hell do you think I'm talking about, butt plug?!?!
- Beavis: Um, I uh, oh yeah, yeah heh heh heh m heh…
[Tommy, the student who's consumed the Spanish Fly, has got a scared Beavis in a wrestling position]
- Beavis: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GOT A BONER!!!!
- Butt-head: Kick him in the nads, Beavis.
[Beavis delivers a low blow to Tommy]
- Buzzcut [Whilst tending to Tommy]: Beavis, get back here!
- Beavis: Let's get outta here before he screws us all!
[Beavis and Butt-head walk out]
- Butt-head: Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly.
- Kimberly: WHAT!?!
- Beavis: Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy.
- Butt-head: Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff….usually harasses me at least once a day.
- Beavis: Four or five times for me, sir.
- Van Driessen: I think YOU'RE sexually harassing Kimberly.
- Beavis: No way! Chicks can't get stiffies!
[Beavis is staring at Kimberly while Joe Adler is pleading Beavis and Butt-head's case of sexual harassment against her.]
- Beavis: She's doing it again! She's doing it right now!
- Judge: What is she doing?
- Beavis: She's giving me a stiffy.
- Judge: Giving you a what?
- Beavis: Heh, you know…boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing.
- Butt-head: (To judge) He has an erection.
- Butt-head: Let's write big butt on the chalkboard.
[Beavis and Butt-head are about to deface the blackboard when they see the words, "FIELD TRIP TODAY"]
- Butt-head: Wait, it's trying to tell us something. [Begins to read] "Feel"…"Tit"…err…"Tripe"…"Todd"…
- Beavis and Butt-head [running out of school to the bus]: Stop the bus! Dammit, stop the bus!
- Butt-head: Whoa! That was close!
- Beavis [to Van Driessen]: Yeah, next time tell us, butthole.
- Butt-head: I've got a rock formation in my pants.
[Van Driessen has got his guitar ready and asks the students for song requests]
- Dean: Like, 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?
- Van Driessen: Good, Dean. But beer and driving don't mix. How about 99 Bottles of Tea on the Wall. Or we could try some other arrangement.
Cars behind the bus are honking their horns.
- Van Driessen: Hey, why's everybody honking?
- Beavis [Whilst mooning at other cars]: Peek-a-boo!
[After Van Driessen flies through the bus's windshield and off a cliff]
- Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Mike Judge—Beavis
- Mike Judge—Butt-head
- Mike Judge—Thomas T. "Tom" Anderson
- Mike Judge—David Van Driessen
- Tracy Grandstaff—Daria Morgendorffer
- Mike Judge—Principal McVicker
- Adam Welsh—Stewart Stevenson
- Mike Judge—Coach Buzzcut
- Rottilio Michieli—Todd Ianuzzi