Beavis and Butt-head (season 7)

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Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011) was an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV.  It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-headSeason seven originally aired from 26 January to 28 November 1997.

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"Butt, Butt, Hike" [7.01][edit]

"Vaya Con Cornholio" [7.02][edit]

Immigration Officer:  Hey, you!  ¿Habla español?
Beavis:  [as Cornholio]  Español?  Es-bunghole! Habla? Ba-habla! Bla-bla-bla-bla-haaaa!

Supervisor:  Alright, so what do we know about this kid?
Officer:  I picked him up at Burger World, but he didn't have any I.D., or anything.  Says his name is "Cornholio."
Supervisor:  The hell kind of a name is that?  Is that his first name, or last?
Officer:  Um...I dunno, it's the only name he gives.
Supervisor:  Cornholio...could be Spanish.  Probably Italian.  Doubtful.
Officer:  Well, that little bastard devoured my taco burrito combo on the ride over.
Supervisor:  Well, probably Mexican.
Officer:  Says he's from Lake Titicaca.
Supervisor:  Lake Titicaca?
Beavis:  Lake Titicaca! Titicaca!
Supervisor:  Alright, find out where the hell Lake Titicaca is.
Beavis:  Nicaragua!
Supervisor:  Nicaragua?
Beavis:  Agua for my bunghole!  Bunghole!
Officer:  Oh, yeah.  And he keeps saying he needs "T.P." for his "bunghole."
Supervisor:  What the hell's a bunghole?  Can you find out what a bunghole is?
Beavis:  You are a bunghole!  And so am I.  There will be more bungholes after me!
Officer:  [reading from dictionary]  Here, I got the dictionary. "Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid."
Supervisor:  This kid's messed up.  Just take him back to Mexico and drop him off with the others.  Let the federales deal with him.
Officer:  Okay, Cornholio.  Time to go back home.
Beavis:  Are you threatening me?  You will give me T.P., bunghole!
Officer:  Yeah, yeah. Alright. I know your bunghole needs T.P.  We'll get you plenty of T.P., just as soon as we get you back to Mexico.  And your bunghole will be just fine.
Beavis:  I would hate for my bungholio to get polio.
Officer:  Me too.  Come on.  This way, Cornholio.
Beavis:  The bunghole!  It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Beavis:  You must feed the almighty bunghole!

Officer:  I'm with immigration, and if you don't show me some proof of residency, I'm gonna have to take you in!
Beavis:  You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!  For I have no bunghole. I am the great Cornholio.

Beavis:  [going to Mexico]  I'm the great Cornholio.  There will be T.P. for everyman.  No man should be without T.P.

Beavis:  [arriving in Mexico]  Aaahh, is this Nicaragua?  I will take this land for my bunghole!  Long live the almighty bunghole!

"Evolution Sucks" [7.03][edit]

"Ding-Dong-Ditch" [7.04][edit]

Butt-head:  Check it out, this trick rules!  It's like we ring the door bell and then we run away.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, okay.
Man at the door:  Yeah?
Beavis:  We tricked him.
Butt-head:  He's probably, like, "Uhh, there is nobody here.  I wonder who did that."
Man at the door:  Hey, what the hell is wrong with you two.  Do that again I'll kick your ass.
Beavis:  Hey Butt-head, did we do that right?
Butt-head:  Eeeh, I don't know.  Maybe we're supposed to like run away before anyone opens the door.  Let's try it again.
Beavis:  Yeah, this is gonna be cool.
Butt-head:  So like, this time remember to run away before they come to the door.
Beavis:  Ooi, okay.  "Before."  That was cool!
Butt-head:  Yeah!  They're gonna be pissed.
Beavis:  Uhhm, nobody is coming out, Butt-head.
Butt-head:  Maybe whoever lives there has like a broken leg or something and it takes long time to get to the door.
Beavis:  Yeah, that will be pretty cool!
Butt-head:  Yeah!
Beavis:  Hey, Butt-head, let's ring it again!
Butt-head:  Eeeh, okay.
Beavis:  Let me ring it.
Butt-head:  No way, Beavis.  You rang it last time.
Beavis:  No way.  You did, dill-hole!
Butt-head:  Uhh, wait a minute.  Uhh, I think we forgot to ring the door bell, Beavis.
Beavis:  Dammit, this is really hard, Butt-head!
Butt-head:  Yeah, but it's cool once you get it right.  Come on.
Man at the door:  What do you want?  What?  What are you doin'?
Beavis:  Did you see that?  That was pretty cool!
Butt-head:  Beavis, you screwed it up again!  You're supposed to run before he comes to the door.
Beavis:  No, damn it!  I don't know when he's gonna come to the door.  This sucks!
Butt-head:  Dumbass!
Neighbour woman:  Where are you goin'?
Neighbour woman's husband:  The neighbours asked if I pick up their mail while they're away on vacation.
Butt-head:  Hey, Beavis.  I hope whoever lives here is, like, taking a dump.
Beavis:  He gotta run to the door.
Butt-head:  Damn it, what the hell is taking so long!
Beavis:  Yeah, really, let's do it again.  What's wrong with these people?
Butt-head:  I don't know.  They must be stupid.
Beavis:  Are you sure we get it right this time?
Butt-head:  Eeh, yeah.
[The family living there just arrives their house]
Family guy:  God, it's good to be back home huh again?  What a trip!
Beavis:  Hey Butt-head, they weren't even home.
Butt-head:  That sucks!

Butt-head:  Ding dong ditch is hard.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, that sucks.  What a waste of time!
Butt-head:  Maybe we were like doing something wrong.  We need practice.  Hey Beavis, you pretend you're at home, and I'll, like, do it to you.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, practice.  [Butt-head goes out and rings the door bell]  Who do that?  Hello, damn it!  Nobody here, damn it!  Bunghole!  Ooh yeah, that worked pretty good, yeah.

"Just for Girls" [7.05][edit]

"A Very Special Episode" [7.06][edit]

Butt-head:  [trying to pronounce "symptoms"]  Sym…sym…Simpsons?  Uh, they're pretty cool.

[after Butt-head tosses a baby bird into the air]
Beavis:  Hey, Butt-head, you "flipped the bird."  Heh heh.

"Dumbasses Anonymous" [7.07][edit]

Bartender:  Look, I told you kids!  You have no I.D.'s, you look underage, and if I serve you, I'll go to jail!
Butt-head:  Uhh…how about one for the road?
Beavis:  Yeah, like one to help me forget or something?
Bartender:  Get outta here! Both of you!
Joe from AA meeting:  Oh, yeah! Hey, it's okay, bartender. These are good kids.  Y'know, you guys remind me a lot of when I was your age.
Butt-head:  Yeah, some day we're gonna be just like you.
Beavis:  Yeah, we're gonna be drunk. [Joe falls on the floor in drunken stupor]

"Underwear" [7.08][edit]

"Head Lice" [7.09][edit]

Beavis:  [as Cornholio]  Do you have any tsetse flies?  Hehe.  Teetsie!

Nurse:  Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.
Butt-head:  [laughs]  She said "foreskin."
Beavis:  Yeah.  Foreskin irritation.

[Beavis starts whacking Butt-head with a flyswatter in an attempt to kill the lice]
Butt-head:  Ow!  What the hell are you doing, ass-wipe?!
Beavis:  Yeah!  I'm kicking the bugs' ass!  Yeah!
Butt-head:  Ow!  I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker!  [kicks Beavis in the testicles]
Beavis:  Aaaahh!  [falls down]
Butt-head:  Now get up.  We gotta, like, use an infesticide.

Beavis:  Hey, Butt-head, are they dead?
Butt-head:  Uh, I think we got 'em, dude.
Beavis:  [suddenly starts scratching his scrotum]  Um…wait a minute.  Damn it.  I think I got some more bugs on my nads.
Butt-head:  Uh, how'd they get there, Beavis?
Beavis:  I don't know.  Dammit!
Butt-head:  Maybe you should stick your weiner in the bug zapper!
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah!  That's a really good idea, Butt-head!  [pulls bug zapper down to his crotch area]  Let me just get this down here, here we go… [unzips pants; follows Butt-head's advice off-screen; electricity crackles and Beavis screams]
Butt-head:  [chuckling]  Dumbass!

"Cyber-Butt" [7.10][edit]

Butt-head:  Welcome to the future.  Here is your free porn.

"Nose Bleed" [7.11][edit]

Beavis:  [upon noticing that he's got a nosebleed]  No!  I'm bleeding!  I'm bleeding!

Butt-head:  [goes up to a woman coming out of a gas station rest-room]  So, here's a quarter.  Could you like get one of those things, you put in your thing, when you got your thing.  [woman punches Butt-head]

"Citizens Arrest" [7.12][edit]

Butt-head:  Beware the long arm of Butt-head.
Beavis:  Beware the long wiener of Beavis!

"Pierced" [7.13][edit]

"A Great Day" [7.14][edit]

Beavis:  Some day, I'd like to be like that.  You know, a kid finds a dead bird, you give him 20 bucks for it.  Now that's cool.

"On Strike" [7.15][edit]

"Follow Me" [7.16][edit]

"Nothing Happening" [7.17][edit]

"Take a Lap" [7.18][edit]

"Shortcuts" [7.19][edit]

"Bride of Butt-head" [7.20][edit]

"Special Delivery" [7.21][edit]

"Woodshop" [7.22][edit]

Beavis:  Hey, Butt-head, I don't know why, but this is giving me a stiffy.
Butt-head:  Uhhhh, maybe that's why they call it "woodshop."

Butt-head:  [upon handing Beavis's severed finger to the nurse]  Hey, Beavis.  I'm giving her the finger.

"T.V. Violence" [7.23][edit]

"Canned" [7.24][edit]

"Garage Band" [7.25][edit]

Butt-head:  Come on, dumbass, play it.
Beavis:  Check this out.  Uhhh yeeah!!  Waahhhhh!!  You're gonna die!!  [smashes Mr. Van Driessen's acoustic guitar]  Ohhh dnanananananana didlywoo weewoo browww baaabababa dadadada!!
Butt-head:  Woah!  That was cool, Beavis.  We're, like, on our way.

Beavis:  We're Metallica, featuring Beavis and Butt-head!
Butt-head:  Uhh, that doesn't sound right.  It should be like, Butt-head and Beavis.  "Beavis and Butt-head" sounds stupid.
Beavis:  No, no!  I kinda like "Beavis and Butt-head"!  I don't know just sounds right.
Butt-head:  Damn it, Beavis, this is my band.  My name comes first.  Don't you, like, wanna be a hit?
Beavis:  No way!  If you hit me, I'm gonna kick you in the nads!
Butt-head:  Yeah, try it, and I'll beat the living crap out of you.  Damn it, this band isn't working.  It's, like, we don't, like, uhh…communicate or something?
Beavis:  What?
Butt-head:  Uhh…I don't know.  What?
Beavis:  What the hell are you talking about?!
Butt-head:  Uh, I don't know.  You're just a butt-knocker.
Beavis:  Don't call me butt-knocker, you son of a bitch!
Butt-head:  This band sucks.  I'm gonna get outta here.  [walks off]
Beavis:  Yeah, I'm gonna get outta here.  This sucks!  [turns around and walks off]

"Impotence" [7.26][edit]

Dr. Leibowitz:  Let's try to see exactly what the problem is.  Now, I'm going to run some tests to gauge your ability to become aroused.
Butt-head:  Cool.
Dr. Leibowitz:  Now, I'm going to show you some photographs.  When you begin to feel aroused, just raise your hand.  Now— [sees Beavis and Butt-head already have their hands raised]
Beavis:  Um, are these pictures of the chicks we're gonna get to score with?
Dr. Leibowitz:  Well, yes, if you find that helps, that would be an excellent way to think of them.
Butt-head:  Cool.  Bring 'em on.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah.  [mock-Arabic accent]  Which lucky girls will be fit to join my harem?
Dr. Leibowitz:  Uh, okay.  Here's the first image.  [holds up photo of a model in lingerie]
Butt-head:  [both raise hands]  Yes!  I'll take her!
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, me, too.  [turns to Butt-head]  I saw her first, dillhole!
Dr. Leibowitz:  Hmm.  Let's go on.  [holds up another photo]
Butt-head:  Whoa!  [raises his hand]
Beavis:  Wha-ha!  Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!!
Dr. Leibowitz:  Interesting.  Beavis, why didn't you raise your hand this time?  Didn't you find the image exciting?
Butt-head:  [looks at Beavis]  Uhh, Beavis's hands are busy, sir.

"The Miracle That Is Beavis" [7.27][edit]

Butt-head:  [upon seeing a commercial about a book titled Seize the Power]  Hey Beavis…seize my weiner.

Buzzcut:  Beavis!
Beavis:  Aaah!  [scared]
Buzzcut:  Damn it, you will listen when I'm talking'!!
Beavis:  No way!  I'm sick of school and I'm sick of you!
BuzzcutWhat?!  You get the hell out of here!!  I'll see you in detention!!
Beavis:  Okay, cool.

"Shopping Cart" [7.28][edit]

"Inventors" [7.29][edit]

Beavis:  [sees man chopping wood]  I know.  Let's invent a tree.
Butt-head:  Beavis.
Beavis:  See, we could build one out of lumbers and two-by-fours and stuff, and then we could, like, tape some leaves— [Butt-head slaps him] Ow!!  See, that way, anyone who needs wood, but doesn't want to cut down his own tree, can just, like, buy our tree and cut it down, and then he— [Butt-head slaps him again] Ow!!
Butt-head:  Why wouldn't he just go cut down his neighbor's tree, dumbass?  Now, quit wasting time.  We need to come up with a real money-making invention.

"Die Fly, Die!" [7.30][edit]

Butt-head:  Now we need to get some of that bug spray.
Beavis:  Bug spray?
Butt-head:  Yeah, when it lands on the garbage, we'll, like, spray poison on it, then it's gonna puke all over itself and die!

Butt-head:  [pulling trash can into house]  So, all we need to do is… [turns around, sees Beavis taking a dump in the living room]  Uhh!  Beavis, what the hell are you doing!?
Beavis:  [getting up]  You said flies like to eat garbage and crap.

Beavis:  Look, Butt-head.  [pulls out hedgetrimmer]  Say "hello" to my little friend!

"Drinking Butt-ies" [7.31][edit]

"Work Is Death" [7.32][edit]

Burger World manager:  You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident.
Beavis:  You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?

"Breakdown" [7.33][edit]

Principal McVicker: B-b-but I don't want any visitors... I'm sick in the head!

Psychiatrist: Seeing them is a first step towards resuming your duties as principal. After all, they're your students...

Principal McVicker: No! They're demons sent straight from Hell!


Psychiatrist: Mr McVicker, what are we going to do with you? We tried everything from group counselling to physical isolation, and...

Beavis: Did you try kicking him in the nads?

Psychiatrist: Yeah, good idea.

Butt Head: So, uh... Are gonna like use a straitjacket?

Beavis: [excitedly] Yeah, straitjacket! Straitjacket!

[McVicker gets up and strangles Beavis]

Beavis: Ahh! He's trying to kill me!

Psychiatrist: Nurse, restrain him!

"Graduation Day" [7.34][edit]

Mr. Van Driessen:  This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day.  Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.
Butt-head:  Oh yeah!  My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.
Mr. Van Driessen:  Good, Butt-head!  He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.
Butt-head:  Uh…no.  He didn't go to high school.  He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.
Mr. Van Driessen:  Butt-head…there's a big difference in the meaning of the two.  I hope that someday you get to understand that.

Mr. Van Driessen:  Congratulations, Cassandra.  I know you'll go far in the world, okay?
Beavis:  Heheheheh…tassel.
Mr. Van Driessen:  Here you go, Butt-head.  You have many… qualities.  [quietly and with a hint of embarrassment]  Here's your diploma, Beavis.  [while the other students return to their seats, Beavis and Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation]

"The Future of Beavis and Butt-head" [7.35][edit]

Job Counselor:  So, which duty do you enjoy most?
Butt-head:  Beavis enjoys all his doodies.
Beavis:  Yeah.
Job Counselor:  Well, which do you enjoy most?
Beavis:  Um, well…I guess the ones that take a long time.
Job Counselor:  You like to get your hands dirty?
Beavis:  Well, yeah, sometimes.
Job Counselor:  Something you can really sink your teeth into?
Beavis:  Um…no, that's disgusting.

"Speech Therapy" [7.36][edit]

Principal McVicker:  Uuhh, no!  Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?
Butt-head:  Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for, like, two weeks.  So I think, like, now, we might be done being suspended, or something?
Principal McVicker:  Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.
Butt-head:  Yeah, me, too!
Beavis:  Yeah, really, school sucks!
Principal McVicker:  You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass!  Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?
Butt-head:  Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy.  Ehh, Van…uhh Rigvantrison?
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, something like that.
Principal McVicker:  Ooh, no.  Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today.  Ooh, damn it!
Butt-head:  Yeah, damn it!
Beavis:  Yeah, damn it, god damn son of a bitch!
Principal McVicker:  You little bastards, watch your language!  Ooh, wait a minute.  We've just got a new speech therapist on staff.  Maybe I'll stick you in her class.  Yeah.
Butt-head:  He said "in her."
Principal McVicker:  Oh, no!
Beavis:  Oh, yeah.

Ms. Jenkins:  Well, good morning everyone.  My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist.  And I guess a lot of you were wondering, "Why do I need speech therapy?"
Beavis:  Yeah.
Ms. Jenkins:  "I already know how to speak.  What can I learn here?"  You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.
Beavis:  What's a speech im-pediment?
Butt-head:  Speech im-pediments suck!
Ms. Jenkins:  A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment.  As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.
Butt-head:  Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.
Ms. Jenkins:  And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.
Beavis:  Butt-head, that what I think it is?
Butt-head:  Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Ms. Jenkins:  Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.
Butt-head:  Eee, can you get out of the way?
Beavis:  Yeah, really.
Ms. Jenkins:  Well, I'll tell you what boys.  I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.
Butt-head:  Really?
Beavis:  What could be more interesting than this?
Ms. Jenkins:  Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?
Beavis:  Wow, no way!
Butt-head:  How could you get a camera up there?
Ms. Jenkins:  Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, okay?
Butt-head:  This is gonna be cool.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, boi-oi-oi…
Ms. Jenkins:  Okay, now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.
Butt-head:  Butt-munch, dill-lead.
Beavis:  Ass-wipe, butt-hole.
Butt-head:  Ass-munch
Ms. Jenkins:  Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your 'S.'
Butt-head:  Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.
Ms. Jenkins:  Now, don't get defensive, Butt-head; I just want to try to clean it up a little, okay?  Now try this.  Make a 'T' sound, then throw it out like this.  Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, okay?
Butt-head:  Hey, Beavis, check it out!
Ms. Jenkins:  Settle down please, all right boys?  Okay.  What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, okay?  All right, here goes:  "Speaking slowly as such can say just as much."
Butt-head:  Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!
Beavis:  Yeah, this chick rules.  "Ass munch"!
Ms. Jenkins:  Very good, boys!  "As much."
Beavis:  Ass munch!
Butt-head:  Ass munch!
Ms. Jenkins:  All right, let's try this one:  "Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders."
Butt-head:  Whoa, she just said "butthole"!
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, butthole!
Ms. Jenkins:  "But whole haste…"
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah: butthole, butthole!  This is cool.  Bunghole!
Ms. Jenkins:  No, no, Beavis, listen closely.  "But whole," "but whole."
Beavis:  Oooh, yeah, yeah.
Principal McVicker:  I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.
Ms. Jenkins:  Actually, Principal McVicker, these boys have done very well.  Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?
Butt-head:  Assmunch
Beavis:  And butthole.  Butthole.
Principal McVicker:  Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.
Ms. Jenkins:  Principal, please.  Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal, but I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.
Principal McVicker:  What?
Butt-head:  McVicker is a dumbass.  He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.
Beavis:  Yeah, really.  He's probably like "…" Boi-oi-oi…

"Our Founding Losers" [7.37][edit]

Butt-head:  [as Paul Revere riding into town]  Uhh, the Yiddish are coming.  Huh-huh-huh.  The Yiddish are coming.

Butt-head:  [as Abraham Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address]  When I almost scored with four chicks seven years ago, this one chick's father brought forth upon me a prostitute.  Huh-huh.  Because some dudes just weren't created equal.  Huh-huh.

[Beavis is having a dream of the writing of the Declaration of Independence; Thomas Jefferson is dictating and Beavis is dressed like Benjamin Franklin]
Thomas Jefferson:  "All Men are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."  Have you anything to add, Compatriot Beavis?
Beavis: Oh, um, heh-heh, okay.  Um, heh-heh, yeah, yeah, how about this?  "All chicks shall, um, heh-heh, be required to do it with us, huh-huh, at all times, yeah.  He-he.  E pluribus unum.  He-he, yeah, he-he."
Thomas Jefferson: A damn fine idea, lad.
All:  Hear, hear!
  • The actual text of that line of the Declaration of Independence reads:
    • We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness
  • Jefferson's original rough draft read:
    • We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independant, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness

Butthead: Uh... Ok.
Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Hmm... Let's see... um...
Butthead: Uh...
Buzzcut: So?
Butt-head: What?
Beavis: Yeah. So what?

Butt-head:  [to Coach Buzzcut]  Once we tried to "found" Beavis's father, but we never did because his mom's a slut.

"Leave It to Beavis" [7.38][edit]

Beaver:  [on t.v.]  Gee Wally, Dad said not to.  And besides, I don't want him to holler at me.
Butt-head:  Uhuhuhuh…beaver.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, Beaver kicks ass.  But it's, like, um, that's not really what stuff was like back then.
Butt-head:  Yeah.  It's like, if this was real, and it was like the '50s, things would be all different and stuff.

Todd:  So, Beaver…
Beavis:  The name's Beavis, sir.
Todd:  Well excuse me, Beaver.

Mrs. Steveson:  Now, dear, don't you think you should go to work today?
Butt-head:  Uh, no.  [rubs her arm]

Todd:  Now get in there and get me some smokes.
Beavis:  Are you sure I should be doing this?
Todd:  What did you say?
Beavis:  I said are you—
Todd:  [revs car so the rest of Beavis's words aren't heard]  Listen, squirt, you better get in there and get me some smokes before today's lesson turns into Ass-kicking 101.

Store owner:  Well, hey, there, Master Cleaver, aren't you supposed to be in school?
Beavis:  Well, I guess so, b-but all I know is I'm s'posed to come in here and buy some cigarettes.
Store owner:  Hey, you wouldn't be buying these for Eddy, now, would ya?
Beavis:  …Gee, how'd you know?  [store owner looks out window, sees Todd smoking; canned laughter]

Store owner:  Tell Eddy it's against the law for me to sell cigarettes to a boy your age.  And then, tell him cigarettes cause cancer.
Beavis:  Y-yeah but, if I tell him that, he might get all sore 'n stuff.  A-and then he's liable to beat me up.
Store owner:  Well, if he tries that, you tell him that's against the law, too.

Butt-head:  Woah.  What happened, uh, son?
Todd:  It seems that little Beaver here ran afoul of some asphalt.
Butt-head:  Uh huh huh…asphalt.

Mrs. Stevenson:  Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?
Butt-head:  Huh huh huh, hard.  Huhuhuhuh, on.

"Butt Flambe" [7.39][edit]

Butt-head:  Uh, is this the hostipal?
Guy:  Can I help you?
Butt-head:  You can tell me if this is a damn hostipal.
Guy:  Yes, and what's your problem?
Butt-head:  [looks at Beavis]  He's the one with the problem.  Look at him.
Beavis:  [scared]  My butt hurts!!

Guy:  We got a crispy critter!
[Beavis whimpering]
Butt-head:  [chuckling]  "Crispy critter."

Beavis:  [horrified and panicking]  I'll never poop again!!

"Beavis and Butt-head Do Thanksgiving" [TG.1][edit]

Note:  See Beavis and Butt-head (specials) for quotes from this Thanksgiving special.

"Beavis and Butt-head Are Dead" [7.40][edit]

Beavis:  Um, hey, Butt-head, I think the phone is ringing.
Butt-head:  Yeah, well, make it stop.
Beavis:  [answering phone]  Um…who are you?
McVicker's secretary:  This is Highland High calling.  We're trying to figure out why Beavis and Butt-head haven't been in school for the past three weeks.
Beavis:  Oh.  Um…yeah, they're dead.

Mr. Van Driessen:  Students, can I have your attention?  There's been a terrible tragedy…and I wanted you to hear it from me first—
Principal McVicker:  [over PA]  Listen up!  Beavis and Butt-head are dead!  There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party.  Whoo!  Yeah!

Principal McVicker:  [giving speech at fund-raiser]  I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.
Butt-head:  Okay, McDicker, give us some money.
Principal McVicker:  What!?
Beavis:  Where the hell are the dead people?
Principal McVicker:  Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!  [struggles with Beavis and Butt-head; sees the memories of the boys' antics; has a heart attack]
Beavis:  Whoa!  A dead body!  Check it out!
Coach Buzzcut:  Give the man some air!  He's not dead yet!

[the final lines of the original run of the series as the boys walk off to the strings of love music and sirens—with the money collected in their names]
Butt-head:  Hey, Beavis, did you see McVicker?  He was, like, "Uh, uh, uh," and then Buzzcut made out with him.
Beavis:  Yeah, that was cool.  We should go to school early tomorrow, you know, in case someone else dies.
Butt-head:  Dumbass, [the two begin walking off into the sunset] we're rich; we don't have to go to school ever again.
Beavis:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's pretty damn cool.
Butt-head:  Uh huh huh, yeah.
Beavis and Butt-head:  [simultaneously, laughing for the last time]  Heh heh heh mh heh heh heh… Uh huh huh huh huh huh huh…
[screen fades out and a title card reads THE END]

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Pilots • Seasons 12345678SpecialsMusic videosMTV programmingFeature filmAlbumMain