Better Call Saul

Better Call Saul (2015–) is an American AMC drama about the life of a small-time lawyer Saul Goodman (Bob Odenkirk) seven years before his appearance on Breaking Bad, though events during and after the original series are also explored.

Season 1

Uno [1.01]

Saul/Jimmy: Oh, to be nineteen again! You with me, ladies and gentlemen? Do you remember nineteen? Let me tell you, the juices are flowing. The red corpuscles are corpuscling, the grass is green, and it's soft, and summer's gonna last forever. [Chuckles, inhales sharply] Now, do you remember? Yeah, you do. [Clears throat] But if you're being honest...I mean, well, really honest, you'll recall that you also had an underdeveloped nineteen-year-old brain. Me, personally, I...it...If I were held accountable for some of the stupid decisions I made when I was nineteen... [chuckling] Oh, boy, wow. And I bet if we were in church right now, I'd get a big "amen!" Which brings us to these three...Now, these three knuckleheads. And I'm sorry, boys, but that's what you are. They did a dumb thing. We're not denying that. However, I would like you to remember two salient facts. Fact one: nobody got hurt, not a soul. Very important to keep that in mind. Fact two: Now, the prosecution keeps bandying this term "criminal trespass." Mr. Spinowzo, the property owner, admitted to us that he keeps most portions of his business open to the public both day and night. So, trespassing? That's a bit of a reach, don't you think, Dave? Here's what I know: These three young men, near honors students all, were feeling their oats one Saturday night, and they just went a little bananas. [Chuckles] I don't know. Call me crazy, but I don't think they deserve to have their bright futures ruined by a momentary, minute, never-to-be-repeated lapse of judgment. Ladies and gentlemen, you're bigger than that.

---

[Leaving the courthouse parking lot, Jimmy pulls up to the attendant's booth and hands his ticket to the attendant]

Mike: [clears throat] Three dollars.

Jimmy: Uh, I’m validated, see the stickers?

Mike: Well, I see five stickers. You’re one shy. It’s three dollars.

Jimmy: [sighs] They gave me– look. [sighs] I’m validated for the entire day, okay? Five stickers, six stickers – I don’t know from stickers, because I was in that court back there saving people’s lives, so... [Mike rolls his eyes]

Mike: Well, gee, that’s swell. And thank you for restoring my faith in the judicial system. Now you either pay the three dollars, or you go back inside and you get an additional sticker. [hands back Jimmy's parking ticket]

Jimmy: [mutters angrily] Son of a bitch. [scoffs] Fine. [takes parking ticket] You win. Hooray for you! [scoffs] [yells loudly at the driver behind him] Backing up! I have to back up! I need more stickers! Don’t have enough stickers! Thank you! Thank you, very nice!

[Jimmy backs up his car, then drives and parks it next to a fence and a yellow barrier. He gets out of the car and shuts the door.]

Jimmy: Employee of the Month over here! Yeaaah! [claps his hands] Hooray! Give him a medal! [to two police officers standing at a distance] Don’t do anything, fellas. Just relax, all right?

---

Jimmy: Lawyers – you know, we’re like health insurance. You hope you never need it. But, man oh man, not having it – no.

---

Jimmy: Listen, Starlight Express, I’m gonna give you a 9.6 for technique, 0.0 for choice of victim! I’m a lawyer! Furthermore (points at his car) does this steaming pile of crap scream payday to you, huh? The only way that entire car is worth $500 is if there’s a $300 hooker sitting in it! Now let’s talk about what you owe me for the windshield.

---

Jimmy: Let me tell you about a young guy. Actually, he's about your age. He lived a long way from here, in a town called Cicero, Illinois. And in Cicero, he was the man. I mean, when he strolled down the street, all the corner boys would give him the high five, all the finest babes would smile at him and hope that he would smile back. They called him Slippin' Jimmy, and everybody wanted to be his friend.

Skateboarders: "Slippin' Jimmy?" What the hell kind of name is that?

Jimmy: Well, I'll tell you now. Winters in Cicero are murder. You guys grown up out here in the golden west – you don't know, okay? I'm talking cold that'll freeze the snot right in your nose. I'm talking wind that'll cut through your jacket and carve you up like a Ginsu knife. In fact, most folks in Cicero were scared of winter. But not Jimmy. Jimmy waited around all summer. And when September finally rolled around, he'd feel that first cold wind come sweeping off Lake Michigan. He knew it was coming. Was it Christmas? Was it Kwanzaa? Better. It was slip-and-fall season. Soon as it was cold enough, he'd find a nice smooth patch of ice. State Street was good, Michigan Avenue was better. He'd pick a spot, wait for it to get busy, and he'd walk out on the ice and boom! He would diff it so hard, people would come running from five blocks away.

Skateboarders: Yeah, but did he collect?

Jimmy: Did he collect? Slippin' Jimmy had it dialed in. One good fall, he'd clear six, eight grand. That'd keep him in Old Milwaukee and Maui Wowie right through Labor Day.

---

[Jimmy is standing at a street corner with two skateboarders, planning a slip and fall scheme]

Jimmy: Betsy Kettleman’s her name. Every weekday between 2:25 and 2:50, she comes through here on her way to pick up her kids at Kit Carson Elementary. Now, you need a place where she’s gonna slow down, am I right?

Skateboarders: Yeah.

Jimmy: All right. Well. There you go. She slows down. She hangs a right. You come shooting out of there. You did what you did to me. You go ass over teakettle. You make it a blue-ribbon special. When she gets out of the car, you’re sufferin’ St. Sebastian, right? You’re the hammer, okay? You get in her face. You scare the bejesus out of her. Give me your phone. [Jimmy inputs his number]

Skateboarders: It’s kind of busy here. Don’t you think?

Jimmy: Well, witnesses are good. Witnesses are pressure. All right? Now, once you’ve got her good and rattled, then you call for an ambulance. But really, you’re calling for me. I'm number one on your speed dial, right next to your weed dealer. [Saul hands back the phone] You call me. I hotfoot it over here. I just "happen" to be driving by. I stop to see what the trouble is. And this is the most important part – you don’t know me. We’ve never met. You got it?

Skateboarders: Sure.

Jimmy: Okay. Now, I’m Mrs. K’s white knight. We go mano a mano. You light into me, okay? Get nasty. And no touching. Leave the hair alone. But otherwise, you know, open season. Yell. Stomp. Call me a douchebag. I’m gonna play it cool. Give me back some of the razzmatazz and once she’s seen the fireworks, you fold like a lawn chair – happy ending.

Skateboarders: When do we get our money?

Jimmy: After.

Skateboarders: After.

Jimmy: After. You get paid when I get paid. I’m the rising tide that raises all dinghies. Now, pop quiz – what’s the car?

Skateboarders: Mercury Sable wagon. Baby-poop brown.

Jimmy: Okay. Do you know me?

Skateboarders: No.

Jimmy: Damn straight. Go with God.

Mijo [1.02]

[At the desert, Tuco interrogates Jimmy who is on his knee, pleading for his live.]

Tuco: You know what I smell. I smell lies. I smell pork. [Tuco places a wire cutter on Saul's finger]

Jimmy: No. That’s not necessary.

Tuco: Okay, we know you’re with the heat. The question is, who? Local? FBI?

Jimmy: No, no, no.

Tuco: DEA?

Jimmy: No, I’m a lawyer. Just reach in my pocket right now – right there!

[Tuco takes a matchbook out of Jimmy's pocket, looks at it and throws it away.]

Tuco: Truth.

Jimmy: That is the truth! I’m a lawyer! Guys, I passed the bar! Ask me anything! Not contract law, okay? I’m down at the court every day! People know me. I’m a known quantity – I am!

[Tuco applies more pressure on the wire cutter.]

Jimmy: I’m – I’m Special Agent Jeffrey Steele, FBI.

Tuco: FBI?

Jimmy: FBI. I’m undercover, okay? You got me. I’m the tip of the spear, and releasing me would be a smart move.

---

[Jimmy attempts to convince Tuco to spare the skateboarders.]

Jimmy: When I was at your abuelita’s place, you were gonna let them go. Way I see it, that’s because you’re tough, but you’re fair. You’re all about justice.

Tuco: That’s what I am saying – justice.

Jimmy: These – these two shit-for-brains? These two big-mouths? You – you already beat the living hell out of them. Do you think they’re ever gonna forget today? Never – 10 years from now, they’re still gonna be crapping their jockeys.

Tuco: It’s not enough.

Jimmy: Okay, okay. Then let’s talk proportionally. They’re guilty – oh, agreed. Now you have to decide what’s the right sentence?

Tuco: Like a judge.

Jimmy: Like a judge. Ever heard of the Code of Hammurabi – let the punishment fit the crime, eye for an eye?

Tuco: Eye for an eye. You want me to blind them.

Jimmy: No, no. All they did was trash-talk.

Tuco: So I cut their tongues out!

Jimmy: Wait. See, I’m advising that you make the punishment fit the crime.

Tuco: Punishment fit the crime. Columbian neckties – I cut their throats, and then I pull their lying tongues through the slits! Biznatch.

Jimmy: Or you – you could give them black eyes.

Tuco: Black eyes? That ain’t nothing.

No Doze: That one there, homes – he already got a black eye, fool.

Tuco: [turns to No Doze] Stop. Helping.

Jimmy: Or you could sprain their ankles.

Tuco: Sprain?

Jimmy: They’re – they’re skateboarders, right? That – that’s how they run their scam. They can’t skate. You – you hit them where they live.

Tuco: I ain’t spraining nothing, bitch. I’m gonna break their arms. And I’m gonna break their legs.

Jimmy: Arms? When – when did we get on to arms? Lets...

Tuco: I’m cutting their legs off.

Jimmy: But – we could go that way. But – we were talking about breaking. I think we’re heading the wrong direction.

Tuco: Okay. Break their legs.

Jimmy: How many legs?

Tuco: Two – they got two legs.

Jimmy: One leg – each.

Tuco: One leg – each?

Jimmy: They’re... One leg each, that’s a total of two legs. Uh, hey, look. They can’t skateboard for six months, and they are scared of you forever. You show everybody that you are the man, but that you’re fair, that you’re just.

[Tuco shakes Jimmy's hand and proceeds to break the skateboarders' legs.]

---

[Jimmy helps the skateboarders onto wheelchairs.]

Skateboarder: You– you are– you are the worst lawyer– the worst lawyer ever!

Jimmy: Hey, I just talked you down from a death sentence to six months' probation. I'm the best lawyer ever.

Nacho [1.03]

Jimmy: Hey, you asked for me, and I have come. I want to tell you this was a wise move – very smart, because I’m here to help – everyone – all parties, but mostly you. Uh, those two detectives – they just gave me an earful. And what they were telling me is – it’s problematic. I’m gonna pitch it back to you so I know we’re on the same page. A neighbor lady saw a suspicious van parked across the street from the Kettleman’s house two nights in a row. She wrote down the license plate. It was your license plate. Cops tracked your van and you, searched it, and found blood on the floor. So... here we are. Um... um... they’re calling the FBI in on this, [Saul sits down] which makes it federal. That’s a bad thing, Nacho. That’s – that’s very bad, but if you tell me where the family is, if – if you give them up now – full cooperation, deep remorse – I feel very good about knocking your sentence down to the minimum – 18 years. They take this good-behavior thing very seriously, so start here, right here. Tell me the family is okay. Tell me the kids are okay. [beat] You want to tell me your thoughts and weigh in? Does this sound like a plan that you can get behind?

Nacho: You miserable piece of shit. You set me up.

Jimmy: I what?

Nacho: You gave my score to another crew, and now you’re setting me up.

Jimmy: I – what the what? Did the cops beat you? ‘cause you’re talking like a person with head trauma.

Nacho: You think you’re funny?

Jimmy: What are you saying? Are you saying that you have nothing to do with this? That was your van outside the house. You weren’t there?

Nacho: Yeah I was there. I was casing the place, figuring out the best way in and out, what time they went to bed – all that. They were fine when I left. That’s it.

Jimmy: You have nothing to do with the Kettlemans?

Nacho: I was never in the house.

Jimmy: What about the blood in your van?

Nacho: They DNA my ride, all they’re gonna find is the blood of your skate-rat twins, plus whatever piss and shit you leaked out when you were in there. Nobody's been in the back of that van since.

Jimmy: I... I don’t understand.

Nacho: Here’s what I understand, councilor. I told my plan to one other person. One – you. Now here I am, under arrest. Go figure.

Jimmy: I don’t know anything about a setup or another crew.

Nacho: You know what? I don’t even care. The cops are out there right now, poking into my business, and if they find something on me or my partners, for real, it’s gonna be bad for you – really bad.

Jimmy: Bad? Bad as in?

Nacho: You get me out of here today... or you’re a dead man.

---

[Jimmy doesn't have enough money or validation stickers when he shows up at the booth]

Jimmy: [angrily] FINE! FINE! You’re gonna make me walk back and get the stickers?! I will walk back and get the stickers!

Mike: I’m not making you do anything. Those are the rules.

Jimmy: [still angry] Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night. [Jimmy sees Mike not paying attention, so he reaches over and presses the button in the booth which raises the cross arm. It goes up and Jimmy drives away fast] SCREW YOU, GEEZER!

---

Jimmy: I called the Kettlemans after I hung up with you, I gave them a warning call.

Kim: A warning call?

Jimmy: Yeah, I was worried that my guy Varga was going after their money. And he was. He was gonna rip them off. I deduced it from a conversation that we had. It was lawyer to client, so there was, you know, confidentiality issues. But I called the Kettlemans anonymously to warm them.

Kim: Anonymously? You didn’t – Oh, god, you didn’t – you didn’t do the sex-robot voice, did you?

Jimmy: I did, with the tube and whole thing, which probably scared the living shit out of them, and they took off, which, you know, file that under “unintended consequence,” but you – you believe me now?

Kim: Um...

Jimmy: Great. Now we have to find them. I mean – or, better yet, get the cops to let Varga go because right now my ass is on the highway to the danger zone.

Kim: Well, why are you in danger?

Jimmy: Nacho Varga – he didn’t kidnap the family. But he’s a bad guy. He’s a very bad guy. And if the cops keep pushing him, they’re gonna find something. And when that happens, Nacho blames me, and then his guys turn me into a meat piñata.

Kim: Jimmy, tell the police.

Jimmy: No, there’s n– there’s no way I’m gonna rat on this guy. I will never be safe. No, I have to convince the cops that I’m right, get them to stop looking at Nacho, and catch the Kettlemans on the run.

Kim: And if they never catch them?

Jimmy: The Kettlemans? Well, you have met these people, right? They’re – they’re not exactly masterminds, right? They will be caught if the cops are looking for them. So tell them to, would you? The FBI, too – I heard they’re getting in on this.

Kim: Why would the FBI listen to me?

Jimmy: Well, Hamlin – they’ll listen to him, right? APD, at least. You – you talk to Howard. You explain things to him. He has clout with these people. [Kim sighs] What? Is – is that a no or...

Kim: Hamlin will never agree to it. The Kettlemans are our clients. This would mean incriminating them.

Jimmy: Oh, you – you see? That’s why people hate lawyers.

Kim: It’s Hamlin’s call, and Hamlin will never agree. And even if it were up to me, you know I couldn’t. I’m sorry. I just...

Jimmy: I get it. [Saul turns and leaves]

Kim: Where are you going?

Jimmy: I’m gonna go talk to Nacho. I’ll try to make him see reason. To beg!

---

Jimmy: Hey, hold up. How come you let me off the hook back there?

Mike: I'm going back to work. Why don't you quit while you're ahead and go on your way?

Jimmy: No, I refuse to believe it's because you have something resembling a heart inside your body.

Mike: You're not gonna have a heart inside your body in about five seconds.

Jimmy: Okay, don't tell me. I already know why you did it.

Mike: Yeah? Why's that?

Jimmy: 'Cause you believe me. That family kidnapped themselves.

Mike: All right, I believe you.

Jimmy: I knew it! I knew it! Finally, someone believes me! Why do you believe me?

Mike: I heard the details, your story makes sense.

Jimmy: Of course it does! Devil's advocate—like the cops said, the Kettlemans' cars are still at their house, there's no record of them leaving, how'd they get out of the country?

Mike: They didn't. Odds are they didn't get out of the neighborhood.

Jimmy: Wait...come again?

Mike: Look, when I was still on the job back in Philly, we had this case...

Jimmy: Whoa, hold up, "on the job," as in you were a cop, "on the job"?

Mike: This bookie disappeared after the Super Bowl. Cowboys-Steelers? Took $6 million in bets, skipped town when things didn't go his way. Now, everybody thought he was on the beach in the Bahamas or dead in the Jersey Pine Barrens—wasn't the case. He was two doors down from where he lived, in a foreclosed house. Hid there for six months without anyone suspecting.

Jimmy: But...but why? Why not run?

Mike: That's what everyone expects. It's human nature to want to stay close to home. And if this Kettleman figured out how to do it, that's what he did. Nobody wants to leave home.

Hero [1.04]

[Nacho has been released now that he's been cleared of involvement in the Kettlemans' camping trip]

Jimmy: Well... I believe I did more than what you asked of me, so, uh, that would make us square, yes? Great. You need a ride?

Nacho: Camping? You expect me to believe that shit?

Jimmy: Yeah, I know it. The things people do, huh?

Nacho: They decide to go camping right after I run my little offer by you?

Jimmy: Could be argued that all of life is one great coincidence.

Nacho: Somebody told those people to, um, go camping. Somebody warned them.

Jimmy: They’re very woodsy. And between you and me, they’re pretty rash when it comes to the decision-making. I mean, they're not really the plan-ahead types.

Nacho: Yeah, I'd cut the cute attitude right about now If I were you. You ratted on me. There will be consequences.

Jimmy: Hey, if somebody warned the Kettlemans, it was probably somebody who was worried about those kids.

Nacho: You know how much trouble you caused me?

Jimmy: You didn't need any help getting caught, okay? The neighbor ID'd you. You were sloppy. Any trouble you might have... that's on you. Not to mention the blood in your van. Here's a thought... Ajax, Formula 409! You have no idea the tap dance I had to give those cops to get you out of here. You gave them probable cause out the wazoo. Now, and whoever that somebody is who may have warned the Kettlemans got them out of there before you did anything even more stupid. You should be thanking this Good Samaritan. Because whoever he is, he did you a favor.

---

[Jimmy and Howard are appearing before a judge, due to Jimmy erecting a billboard that deliberately imitates HHM's logo and branding]

Jimmy: Your honor, I'm a humble solo practitioner, merely trying to ply my trade in an aggressive and evolving marketplace.

Howard Hamlin: As I've argued repeatedly, this is trademark infringement. Mr. McGill's new logo is an absolute copy of ours.

Jimmy: I think it falls firmly under fair use.

Howard: Fair use? You're clearly profiting, so fair use doesn't apply.

Jimmy: It - there are only so many fonts out there. Does Mr. Hamlin outright own them all?

Howard: No, but we've been using this particular font for 12 years now, and it, in concert with our tri-rectangle graphic and Hamlindigo Blue, constitutes a trademarked brand identifier.

Jimmy: Whoa, whoa. Back up. Hamlindigo Blue?

Howard: Yes. That is our trademarked name.

Jimmy: Holy crap. You seriously named a color "Hamlindigo"? That is... yikes.

Howard: "Yikes"? From the man dressed exactly like me. Your honor, I feel like I'm in the mirror routine with Groucho Marx, like we should be standing, waving our arms at each other.

Jimmy: Really? I don't see it.

Howard: In addition, the name McGill appears in both logos, which, I believe, Mr. McGill is hoping to further confuse potential clients.

Jimmy: So I can't advertise under my own name now? I'm to be penalized 'cause I happen to share a name with one of HHM's partners? You can't take my name from me.

Judge: The name is not the problem here, Mr. McGill.

Jimmy: Uh, Mr. Hamlin certainly seems to think so. I mean, he wants me to change my name 'cause he claims that – that – what – it's some kind of threat to his business? Your honor. This is restraint of trade, okay? Whatever happened to the free market, huh? No, Hamlin here wants you to tell...

Judge: Okay, okay, I've... Enough. Mr. McGill, I've heard enough. All right, yes, you are within your rights to advertise using your own name. However, in my estimation, the billboard clearly and intentionally duplicates elements of the Hamlin, Hamlin & McGill logo. You're actively copying their established brand for your own gain. I don't see any other reasonable explanation.

Jimmy: Your honor, I...

Judge: Jimmy, Jimmy. Wise up. The billboard must come down within 48 hours.

Alpine Shepherd Boy [1.05]

Richard Sipes: Jim, I saw you on the TV, that billboard thing. And I had me a pair of insights. Insight the first: you ain't afraid to put yourself out there. And insight the second: you believe in the real America – freedom, self-sufficiency.

Jimmy: I do. I... I really do.

Richard Sipes: When I see a man like you driving that foreign shitbox of a car...

Jimmy: Well, see, actually, it's...

Richard Sipes: ...it's a sign a good man can't get ahead today. It's a damned travesty. That's what it is.

Jimmy: Well that may be, Ricky, but, uh... I refuse to consider myself a victim.

Richard Sipes: You know, we are once again at a point in our history where the fly-swatting hand of government is crushing the spirit of entrepreneurship. Taxes, OSHA requirements, the INS poking their big, fat nose into every mother-loving hire. It's damned oppressive.

Jimmy: It's tragic. It's un-American.

Richard Sipes: Jim, I think you are just the lawyer I need, 'cause I got me a case – major – I say, a major case. Are you ready to clear your calendar?

Jimmy: Ricky, I'm all ears.

Richard Sipes: I want to secede from the United States. Now, I got 1,100 acres of property here, self-sustaining with solar power and wells, a sovereign state immune to the business-killing regulations of the country in which it geographically lies. We are going to be America's Vatican City.

Jimmy: Ricky... I'm your man. Yeah, let's do this. Let's show 'em all. Yee-haw!

Richard Sipes: Yee-haw!

Jimmy: Yee-haw! [Ricky highfives Saul] Yes! We are doing this! Ah. Now, it's not gonna be easy, sir. I mean, the government is gonna fight us tooth and nail. We could end up in the Supreme Court – I'm talking thousands of man-hours – I mean, years of effort.

Richard Sipes: Are you ready for that?

Jimmy: Me? I say bring 'em on.

Richard Sipes: Let's talk turkey. What's your rate?

Jimmy: $450 an hour.

Richard Sipes: The hell with hourly. I want you on retainer. How about $1 million even – $500,000 up front and $500,000 when we're done?

Jimmy: A million? That seems... fair.

Richard Sipes: Would you like that in cash? [Ricky takes out stacks of bills from the safe.]

Jimmy: Uh. [Jimmy flips a stack of bills and sees Ricky's face on them.] Well...

Richard Sipes: Tax-free and backed by the full faith and credit of the sovereign Sandia Republic.

Jimmy: It's, uh...

Richard Sipes: Son... You are getting in on the ground floor.

[Cuts to Jimmy driving away from the house at full speed]

---

[Roland Jaycox shows Jimmy into his garage]

Jimmy: So, what do we got?

Roland Jaycox: Uh, I feel silly asking this. Yeah. But before I show you my invention, would you mind signing a non-disclosure agreement?

Jimmy: You got it. No problem. [Jimmy signs the agreement.]

Roland Jaycox: It's my idea of a lifetime. If Fisher-Price or Playskool ever got their hands on this...

Jimmy: No worries.

Roland Jaycox: You ready? [Roland lifts the tarp off an ordinary looking toilet]

Jimmy: I may have seen one of these before.

Roland Jaycox: Not like this. This one has this little unit I've added. This is my invention. Do you have children?

Jimmy: No.

Roland Jaycox: My wife and I have two boys, four and six. And let me tell you, toilet-training them? Nightmare, both times. They just didn't want to use the commode! So I wired a motion sensor to a voice chip and, well, no sense getting all technical. But it's all about positive reinforcement. Meet Tony the Toilet Buddy. And when you sit down to do your business, this is how he works. [Roland drops a wooden block in the toilet bowl]

Tony the Toilet Buddy: Oh, yeah! That's the way! [Roland drops another wooden block in the toilet bowl] Gosh, you're big! You're so big! My goodness! Look at you! [Another wooden block] Fill me up, Chandler! Put it in me!

Roland Jaycox: Chandler's my youngest. Loves it.

Jimmy: Huh. [Another wooden block]

Tony the Toilet Buddy: Give it to me, Chandler! I want it all! Mmm! Ahhh!

Roland Jaycox: Anyway, it goes on from there. You get the picture.

Jimmy: Yeah, I, uh...yeah.

Roland Jaycox: So, what do you think?

Jimmy: It's a little...sexual, maybe?

Roland Jaycox: Sexual? What-what does that...?

Jimmy: Suggestive, maybe-maybe that's a better word? Look, I'm not-I'm not saying this thing won't make you rich. I mean, some of your wealthier Pacific Rim nations, they'll love this, the crazy bastards.

Roland Jaycox: I created this for children...children, understand?

Jimmy: Well, hey, Viagra was originally invented to treat hypertension. Look how that turned out.

[Cuts to Jimmy leaving the house with an angry Roland chasing after him]

Roland Jaycox: You're completely disgusting, you know that?!

Jimmy: Hey, buddy, you're the one with the sex toilet.

Roland Jaycox: Get off my property!

Jimmy: Hey, you know what? I hope you do make a fortune, 'cause Chandler's gonna need it to help pay for his therapy!

---

[Late at night, Jimmy is leaving the parking lot when he stops at Mike's booth]

Jimmy: Heeeeey, there he is. The man in the booth, John Wilkes Booth, Booth Tarkington. Whatchu readin' there? The Complete Annotated Book of Rules for Parking Validation?

Mike: No, the rules for parking validation are actually pretty simple. Most people get it on the first try.

Jimmy: Well, you’ll be pleased to know I have the requisite stickers. [hands over parking ticket]

Mike: [deadpan] Well, be still my heart.

Jimmy: Aaand... you can have this, as well. [hands over business card] I’m doing elder law now. "Need a will? Call McGill." So, give me a call if you, uh — uh, if, uh, you happen to know any elders.

Mike: [slightly annoyed]' Good night. [presses button to lift the crossarm]

Jimmy: Couldn’t have a bad one if I tried. [He drives away]

Five-0 [1.06]

Jimmy: How you doing? James McGill here to see my client. [beat] What?

Greg Sanders: You look like Matlock.

Jimmy: Uh, no, I look like a young Paul Newman dressed as Matlock.

---

Jimmy: So I'm here because you want me to assault a police officer.

Mike: I am asking you to take a few ounces of lukewarm coffee and spill it on him. I doubt that satisfies the definition of "assault," but, hey, you're the lawyer.

---

Jimmy: Look, don't let Mr. Ehrmantraut's dancing eyes and bubbly, bon vivant personality fool you. He's actually, believe it or not, somewhat taciturn. Shall I fan you gently, so you don't go into shock?

---

[Mike is talking to his late son Matty's wife]

Mike: You let some things slide and you look the other way. You bust a drug dealer that has more cash than you'll ever earn in a lifetime. Some of it doesn't make it back into evidence, so what? You took a taste. So did everyone else. That's how you knew you were safe. It's like killing Caesar. Everyone's guilty. Matt wasn't dirty. I was. Everyone was in that precinct. That's how it worked. You turn in your buddy, you're screwing yourself. You go along to get along.

Stacey Ehrmantraut: And you went along.

Mike: [Chuckles, clicks tongue] I did. Yeah. I did.

Stacey: Okay. But you said Matt didn't.

Mike: No. Not Matt. Fensky got to Hoffman early, kickbacks from some gang or another. Protection, basically. And Hoffman went to Matty and offered to cut him in. Only fair, right? They were partners. And Matt did what you would think: He agonized. And then he came to me, wanted to go to the I.A., do the right thing, shut 'em down.

Stacey: Oh, my God. And you let him? That's why he got killed 'cause he was gonna turn on those guys?

Mike: No. No. I told him...[Sighs] "You know what a cop fears most? More than getting shot, more than anything? Prison. Getting locked up with everybody you put away. You threaten a cop with that, you make him dangerous." And that's what I told him. I talked sense. No one was getting hurt. "But if you go to the I.A., if you even look like you're going...?" He had a wife, a kid, responsibilities. "Take the money. Do something good with it." [chuckles] Well, I tried. I tried. But he wouldn't listen. My boy was stubborn. My boy was strong. And he was gonna get himself killed. So I told him...I told him I did it, too, that I was like Hoffman, getting by, and that's what you heard that night: Me talking him down, him kicking and screaming until the fight went out of him. He put me up on a pedestal. And I had to show him that I was down in the gutter with the rest of them. Broke my boy. I broke my boy. He went to Hoffman, he took the money, but he hesitated. Even looking like you're doing the right thing to those two meant that he wasn't solid – that he couldn't be trusted. I got Matty to take the money. And they killed him two days later. He was the strongest person that I ever knew. He'd have never done it, not even to save himself. I was the only one, I was the only one that could get him to debase himself like that. And it was for nothing. I made him lesser. I made him like me. And the bastards killed him anyway.

Stacey: Hoffman and Fenske, if they killed Matty...who killed them? What happened?

Mike: You know what happened. The question is, can you live with it?

Bingo [1.07]

---

Kim: I know this is the last thing you want to hear. I think your chances of getting a favorable ruling from a jury are very slim.

Craig: What does that mean?

Kim: We're not in a great position to win at trial.

Betsy: But we came to you people because we were told you win cases.

Kim: Winning doesn't always mean "getting a favorable verdict at trial". We try to achieve the best possible outcome for our clients, given each individual case. Frankly, we've worked very hard to stave off an arrest. After the misunderstanding about your, uh, "camping trip", the D.A. was concerned you might be a flight risk.

Betsy: [scoffs] A flight risk? We–we were practically in our own backyard!

Kim: That's exactly what we told the D.A. In any case, I think we've managed to come up with a deal that is very favorable under the circumstances.

Betsy: A deal? I hate that terminology. A deal is what they got O.J.

Craig: Well, Betsy, maybe we should, you know, hear it...

Betsy: I'm just saying, it's a terrible term. [to Kim] What kind of deal?

Kim: If the prosecution decides to file, which is definitely the direction this seems to be headed, and if they choose to stack charges, Craig, you're looking at thirty years in prison.

Craig: Thirty years?

Kim: That's the maximum, and given the nature of the charge and the current political environment, I'd say we should expect it. The public outcry in cases like these is a big factor. However, after much discussion with the D.A., who is also invested in keeping the press to a minimum, we have arrived at an arrangement, which would include sixteen months in a county facility.

Craig: Sixteen months.

Kim: Down from thirty years. And you most likely wouldn't serve all of it.

Betsy: But he would have to say he was guilty.

Kim: Admitting wrongdoing and making the county whole again goes a long way here. Hence the minimal sentence.

Betsy: Uh, "making the county whole again"?

Kim: It includes the stipulation that you return $1.6 million in misappropriated funds.

Craig: Give back the money?

Betsy: [puts her hand on Craig's arm] But there is no money.

Craig: There's no money.

Betsy: We told you, Craig is innocent.

Kim: I understand. However, I'd like to emphasize again that this deal is Craig's best chance of minimizing jail time.

Betsy: You're telling us there are drug dealers and murderers walking the streets, but instead of going after them, they want to put an innocent man in jail.

Craig: There's no other way?

Kim: I'm sorry. I think, under the circumstances, this is your best option.

Betsy: Murderers and rapists, and this is how they tr... [inhales deeply] Okay. There is no money. There never was. You have to take this to trial.

Kim: Look, you have a difficult, but nevertheless straightforward choice to make here. On one hand, you give up the money, plead-

Betsy: [interrupts] Ah! I just told you, there is no money.

Kim: ...Plead guilty. It's painful, I know. And go to jail for a year and a half. But your other choice? [beat] That is no choice at all. If you go to trial, you'll most likely lose, and Craig goes to prison for decades. Your children will grow up seeing their dad through bars on visiting day. I know what I'd do. I'd take the deal. Two years from now, you can be starting over. It's tough, I know. But you're tough people. And your family is worth it. [beat] Why don't I give you a few moments to discuss this? I know it's a big decision.

Betsy: We don't need to discuss it. You're fired.

---

[Jimmy finds that the Kettlemans have dumped Kim and want to hire him for their embezzlement case. He calls her from a restaurant bathroom]

Jimmy: Hey, funny story: I found something that belongs to you, again.

Kim: Yeah? What?

Jimmy: "Who?" Picture The 25th Hour, starring Ned and Maude Flanders.

---

Jimmy: [to the Kettlemans] We can we all three just parachute down from cloud cuckoo land?

---

Kim: I know we're never supposed to say our clients are guilty, but hey, not my client anymore. He's guilty as sin.

Jimmy: Yeah, but there has to be something. Some loophole or -

Kim: None that I could find.

Jimmy: There has to be a way.

Kim: Not without the money. It's the only chip those Kettlemans have, and they refuse to play it.

---

[Jimmy enters the Kettleman residence]

Jimmy: [looking around] Oh, I love what you've done with the place. Last time I was here, it was, uh... Well, not a contender for the cover of Good Housekeeping, that's for sure.

Betsy: [chuckling] Do you have news about our case?

Jimmy: I do, in fact. But before we get to the nitty-gritty, I think we should chat about your deal.

Betsy: Uh, we told you, there will be no deal.

Jimmy: You did, didn't you? However, circumstances have changed.

Betsy: What circumstances?

Jimmy: To answer that, um... might I suggest that you go and check on that money you insist you "didn't" take?

[Betsy laughs incredulously]

Jimmy: In the upstairs bathroom, under the sink?

Craig: Wait, how could you...?

[The truth dawns on Betsy first, and she leaps up and hurries up the stairs in a panic, cutting him off. Craig follows her up, while Jimmy waits patiently in the living room.]

Craig: Betsy?

[There is the sound of clattering and rummaging upstairs]

Betsy: No, no no no no no no!

Craig: It's okay, Betsy. It's gotta be... it's gotta be in there somewhere.

[Betsy comes out of the bathroom and addresses Jimmy from upstairs]

Betsy: What did you do with it?!

Jimmy: By "it", you mean...?

Betsy: [As she and Craig make their way downstairs] Where is it?!

Jimmy: Oh! You mean the money? Uh, let me see. It's uh... [checks his watch] on its way to the D.A.'s desk, right about now.

Betsy: What!? You...!? Oh, you thief!

Jimmy: It takes one to know one, doesn't it?

Craig: You took it? How did you take it?

Jimmy: A good magician never reveals his tricks. Now here's what we're gonna do—

Betsy: Oh, you don't tell us what to do. You stole from us. We... We will have you arrested!

Jimmy: Uh, I can see how upset you are, and even on a good day, you and logic are... [places two fingers together and separates them with a whistling sound] But think about what you just said. Criminals have no recourse. And you two? You're criminals. Big time.

Betsy: How dare you.

Jimmy: Luckily, you have a very talented lawyer, who has found a way to minimize the damage you've brought upon yourselves.

Betsy: Oh, you're fired!

Jimmy: Oh, I quit already. No, I'm talking about Kim Wexler. Now, you're gonna go back to her, you're gonna apologize for your hasty decision to terminate her services, and you're gonna fall on her mercy and take that deal.

Betsy: We'll tell about the bribe you took.

Jimmy: You could do that. You absolutely could, and I'd be in a mess of trouble, a real pickle...

[Betsy smiles smugly, thinking she's got him]

Jimmy: ...But so would you, Mrs. Kettleman. Because right now, only Mr. Kettleman is on the hook, for the whole embezzlement kerfluffle. But the bribe – we're back to calling it a bribe? Yeah, that implicates you as well.

Craig: It does not. It was all me.

Jimmy: No, it wasn't. I'll make sure everyone knows that. Look on the bright side, you know? They could work out some kind of inter-prison visitation program, the occasional conjugal. Maybe it won't be all bad. [to Betsy] You, you'll probably wind up running your own gang. [He looks up at both of them, becoming somewhat solemn] Thing you folks need to know about me? I got nothing to lose. Christ, you should see my office.

RICO [1.08]

Jimmy: This is a demand letter informing Sandpiper Crossing of pending litigation for defrauding my clients through systematic overcharging. You're shredding in there! I'm not deaf! I can hear you! Stop right now! [shredding continues] This here this makes it official, right? If you don't stop shredding right now, that's destruction of evidence spoliation! That's what it's called, and it's a felony! So call your lawyers right now and tell them I said that! Me! James McGill Esquire!

---

Rick Schweikart: Maybe you should walk me through what you're alleging here.

Jimmy: I believe it's all in the letter.

Rick Schweikart: Uh, uh, I–I'm not saying it's not, but it's a bit hard to read. Next time, I'd use double-ply.

---

Rick Schweikart: This is a shakedown, and we both know it. Now, if you push this any further, my hands will be tied. Sorry for interrupting your evening. Enjoy The Magic Flute.

Jimmy: [after Schweikart has hung up] Blow my magic flute.

---

Chuck: You broke into a nursing home?

Jimmy: Assisted living.

Chuck: And you stole their garbage. My God.

Jimmy: No, it was in public. There was no lock, no nothing. I just lifted the lid, and there it was. There's no reasonable expectation of privacy in that situation, is there? You can't say it's private if a hobo can use it as a wigwam!

---

Jimmy: [to Rick Schweikart] Sedima establishes a pretty low threshold for RICO provisions to kick in. Interstate commerce is a bitch, huh? As soon as we establish a pattern to – what was your word – uh, "overbillings"? I prefer the classic term of "fraud." You're looking at treble damages. So your 100 grand? I think you know where you can stick it.

Pimento [1.09]

Chuck: Confidence is good. Facts on your side, better. Know what you're walking into.

---

Sobchak: So, what you packing?

Mike: A pimento.

Sobchak: Sorry, what?

Mike: Pimento sandwich.

Sobchak: [laughs] That's funny. Pimento. No, I mean, what are you carrying? You know, the piece? What's the make?

Mike: Pimento is a cheese. They call it the caviar of the South. They call it the caviar of the south.

Sobchak: You don't want to tell me what you're carrying, so be it. But you don't have to be a douche about it.

Mike: Just told you what I'm carrying.

Sobchak: So you're saying you don't have a gun? Is that what you're saying? How are you here without a gun?

Mike: - You have a gun?

Sobchak: - Yeah

---

Howard: It's easy money, Jimmy. No reason not to take it.

Jimmy: Go to hell, Howard! I'm not giving you my case. And I'm gonna tell every one of those clients what a lying miserable pig fucker you are. I will burn the whole thing to the ground before I give it to you!

---

Howard: The partners have made a decision and the why is not your concern.

Kim: I think it is my concern.

Howard: And why is that?

Kim: Because he's my friend. And the way I see it, you're not treating him fairly.

Howard: "The way you see it?"

Kim: I don't know what image you have of him, past or present, or whatever he did or said, but Jimmy is a good lawyer. And he works very hard.

Howard: Did your friend send you in here to say that?

Kim: No. I'm saying it because I believe it.

Howard: Well, duly noted. Want to know what I believe? I believe that you're way out of your depth in this matter. So the next time that you want to come in here and tell me what I'm doing wrong, you are welcome to keep it to yourself. Because I don't care.

---

Mike: The lesson is, if you're gonna be a criminal, do your homework.

Pryce: Wait. I'm not a bad guy.

Mike: I didn't say you were a bad guy. I said you're a criminal.

Pryce: What's the difference?

Mike: I've known good criminals and bad cops. Bad priests. Honorable thieves. You can be on one side of the law or the other. But if you make a deal with somebody, you keep your word. You can go home today with your money and never do this again. But you took something that wasn't yours. And you sold it for a profit. You're now a criminal. Good one, bad one? That's up to you.

---

Jimmy: I'm your brother. We're supposed to look out for each other. Why were you working against me, Chuck?

Chuck: You're not a real lawyer.

Jimmy: I'm what?

Chuck: You're not a real lawyer. University of American Samoa, for Christ's sake? An online course? What a joke. I worked my ass off to get where I am, and you take these shortcuts and you think suddenly you're my peer? You do what I do because you're funny and you can make people laugh? I committed my life to this! You don't slide into it like a cheap pair of slippers and reap all the rewards.

Jimmy: I thought you were proud of me.

Chuck: I was. When you straightened out and got a job in the mailroom, I was very proud.

Jimmy: So that's it then, right? Keep old Jimmy down in the mailroom. He's not good enough to be a lawyer.

Chuck: I know you. I know what you were, what you are. People don't change. You're Slippin' Jimmy. And Slippin' Jimmy I can handle just fine, but Slippin' Jimmy with a law degree is like a chimp with a machine gun. The law is sacred! If you abuse that power, people get hurt. This is not a game. You have to know on some level, I know you know I'm right. You know I'm right.

Marco [1.10]

Jimmy: I mean, what is it with this place? It's–it's like living inside an easy-bake oven. I mean, look out that window. It's–it's like a soulless, radioactive Georgia O'Keefe hellscape out there, crawling with coral snakes and scorpions and– You ever see the movie The Hills Have Eyes? It's a documentary! God forbid your car breaks down. You have to walk ten steps. You got a melanoma the size of a pineapple where your head used to be. And so you ask, "Why?" Why? If if that's how I feel, why do I live here? Why?!

Senior: Excuse me. Are you gonna read that number?

Jimmy: Yeah. I'm gonna read your number. And it's another "B". It's another frigging "B". Boy, of course. Why not? Why not?! And the next number...

[pause]

Jimmy: Uh, quick question, who here knows what a Chicago sunroof is? Anybody? You, sir? No? Okay. True story, uh, back home, uh, there was this guy named Chet. Now, Chet was a real asshole. He might have owed me some money. He might have slept with my wife before she became my ex-wife. The details don't matter. Suffice it to say, I was wronged. All right, so one summer evening, I was out having a few drinks. One or two, maybe three. You get the picture? And, uh, who do I see? Chet. He drove up, and he double-parked outside a Dairy Queen and went in to get some soft serve. Now, Chet drove – and this will give you an idea of exactly what kind of a douchebag this guy was – drove a white pearlescent BMW 7 Series with white leather interior. So, I saw that thing, and I had–I'd had a few, like I said. And, uh, I climbed up top, and I may have defecated, uh, through the sunroof. Not my finest hour, I'll grant you that. But that's what a Chicago sunroof is. Now you know. It's a real thing. I didn't make it up. I'm not the first person to do it. There's a name for it. Guy wanted some soft serve, I gave him some soft serve. I did not know that his children were in the backseat. There was a level of tint on the windows that I'll maintain to this day was not legal in an Illinois-licensed vehicle. But somehow, that's on me, I guess. Who leaves two Cub Scouts in a double-parked car with the engine running?! Come on! Now, Chet was connected, see? Like, uh, Cicero connected. So, usually, I'd be looking at malicious mischief, public intoxication, disorderly conduct, maybe. But he's got the D.A. saying indecent exposure, calling me a sex offender. What? One little Chicago sunroof, and suddenly I'm Charles Manson?! And that's where it all went off the rails. I've been paying for it ever since. That's why I'm here! I don't...You know what? [sniffs] Any of this stuff you want, come get it. Kitty-cat notebooks for everybody.

---

Marco: Jimmy, you know what?

Jimmy: Just s-save your breath, okay? You're gonna be fine.

Marco: This was the greatest week of my life.

---

Jimmy: Help me out here. Did I dream it, or did I have $1,600,000 on my desk in cash? When I close my eyes, I can still see it. It's burned into my retinas like I was staring into the sun. No one on God's green earth knew we had it. We could have split it 50/50. We could have gone home with $800,000 each, tax-free.

Mike: Your point being?

Jimmy: Why didn't we? What stopped us?

Mike: I remember you saying something about doing the right thing.

Jimmy: I don't even know what that means.

Mike: You want to know why I didn't take that money? Is that what you're asking?

Jimmy: Yeah, that's what I'm asking.

Mike: Me personally? I was hired to do a job. I did it. That's as far as it goes.

Jimmy: Yeah. Well, I know what stopped me. And you know what? It's never stopping me again.

Season 2

Switch [2.01]

[Mike is waiting in the parking garage for Daniel Wormald to pick him up. Moments later, Daniel pulls into the garage in a bright yellow Hummer H2. Upon seeing the car, Mike picks up his lunch bag and immediately begins walking away]

Daniel: Hey! It's me! [After a brief fumble, he backs the car up to catch up with Mike] Hello? Hello! It's me! I got a new car. Do you like it?

Mike: We're not taking that to the meet.

Daniel: How are we gonna get there?

Mike: I'll drive, in my car.

Daniel: Why?

Mike: This business requires restraint. That is the opposite of restraint.

Daniel: But...I like it. I mean, I'm proud of it.

Mike: Good. And you can be proud of it on your own time. Just not with me. I'm not getting in that.

Cobbler [2.02]

[Daniel has shown up at Mike's parking lot in his bright circus wagon, having been summoned for police questioning]

Daniel: Well, if you must know, I was robbed. Somebody broke into my house and stole my property.

Mike: Your drugs.

Daniel: Yeah, but obviously ‭I didn't tell the cops that. I'm not stupid.

Mike: You've already spoken to them?

Daniel: A couple of them came by my house. But it's not the drugs that I care about. I mean, I care. It's my baseball cards I need back.

Mike: Your baseball cards?

Daniel: Yes. I have a very valuable collection of baseball cards, and someone stole them.

Mike: I guess I shouldn't be surprised I have to tell you this. But it's probably a bad idea that you willingly talk to the police, being a criminal and all.

Daniel: I'm not here as a criminal. I'm here as a crime victim. Just because I occasionally sell some pharmaceuticals, I no longer have a right to protection from crime? And I was very careful when I talked to them. I... they have no idea about my other business.

Mike: If you already made your report, why are you here?

Daniel: They called me. They have a few more questions. They are very dedicated to finding this thief.

Mike: Since you're new to this, let me explain it to you. They've invited you on a fishing trip.

Daniel: What's that? A fishing trip?

Mike: Those cops have no interest in helping you get your cards back. You're obviously under suspicion.

Daniel: There was nothing there for them to see.

Mike: I refer you to our previous conversation and this blinking neon sign of a vehicle that says "drug dealer." They suspect you. They will get you in there, pretend to be your friend, lull you into a false sense of security, and then they will sweat you. And you will break.

Daniel: I don't... I... [chuckles] I disagree.

Mike: Not open for debate. You go home now.

Daniel: But I have an appointment.

Mike: Break it. And if they call you, do not answer the phone.

---

[Jimmy is spinning a lie to the police about Daniel's secret stash]

Detective 1: So, fully clothed Mr. Wormald by himself doing what?

Detective 2: Yeah, come on, man. What?

Jimmy McGill: [sighs] Squat cobbler.

Detective 1: What's a s-squat cobbler?

Jimmy McGill: Squat cobbler. ‭You know what squat cobbler is.

Detective 1: No, I don't... I don't know what a squat cobbler is.

Detective 2: No, me neither. What is it?

Jimmy McGill: What? And you two guys are cops? Hoboken Squat Cobbler. Full Moon Moon Pie. Boston Crème Splat. Seriously? Simple Simon the Ass Man. Dutch Apple Ass. Guys, am I not speaking English here?

Detective 1: What the hell is a squat cobbler?!

Jimmy McGill: It's when a man sits in pie! He sits in a pie! And he... he wiggles around. Maybe it's like Hellman's Mayonnaise. It has a different name west of the Rockies. I don't know. But, uh, technically, he does a crybaby squat, so there's tears, which makes it more specialized. Not all pie sitters cry. But I'm gonna tell you something: This guy? He's a regular Julianne Moore once he gets ‭the waterworks cranked up.

Detective 2: Pies? What? Like apple?

Jimmy McGill: Guys, I'm not the filmmaker here, all right? Banana cream. I... uh, peach. Oh, and there... And there is a costume involved.

Detective 1: [snorts] You've got to be shittin' us.

Jimmy McGill: Yeah, like I would make this up. Hey, the world is ‭a rich tapestry, my friends. But trust me on this. You don't want to see it.

---

[Jimmy leaves the police station having successfully gotten Daniel off on the drug investigation]

Daniel Warmold: So, uh, we're good, right?

Jimmy McGill: Yeah. Great! [Chuckles] There is, however, one little, tiny hanging Chad.

Daniel Warmold: Well, what? What Chad?

Jimmy McGill: You're gonna have to make a video.

Amarillo [2.03]

[Jimmy bribes a bus driver to "break down". After handing bribe money to the driver, he climbs on board]

Jimmy: Howdy, folks! Could someone tell me if Mrs. Alma May Urbano is on board? Alma May Urbano? [A hand is raised] There you are. Hello, dear. Very good to meet you. My name's Jimmy. I tried to visit you at Sandpiper, but they wouldn't allow me to. Hey, you know what? It doesn't matter. I saw your bus broken down, here you are. Lucky me. Do you prefer to be called Mrs. Urbano or Alma May or just plain Alma? My last name is McGill, but you can call me Jimmy. Hey, everyone! My name's Jimmy McGill. I'm an attorney at law, but, uh, don't mind me. Just talk amongst yourselves. Now, Alma May, do you recall responding to a mailer from my law firm, Davis & Main, of Santa Fe, New Mexico?

Alma May: I... I don't know.

Jimmy: Well, we were looking to help any Sandpiper residents who may have been overcharged for, uh, basic goods and services. Now, does that ring a bell?

Alma May: Oh! Maybe. Was it yellow?

Jimmy: It's canary yellow. I picked that color myself. [Chuckles] Well, ma'am, I'm here to make sure you get your money back.

Amos: What are you talking about? Who took Alma May's money?

Jimmy: Uh, well, now, that's a very good question. And thank you for asking, mister, uh...?

Amos: Amos... Amos Lydecker.

Jimmy: Mr. Lydecker, Jimmy McGill. Now, nobody took anybody's money, uh, exactly. Okay? It's not like the Sandpiper people, you know, put on a ski mask and, uh, mugged Alma May here at gunpoint. So I want you to put that mental image right out of your head. See, what we're talking about here is more of a... it's just a discrepancy. It's, it's a little thing, it's fairly innocent. But we need to fix it. Do you follow me? [silence] Well, put it this way. Alma May, let's say you're out on a date with your boyfriend. You do have a boyfriend, right? [She shakes her head] Ah! You don't? Come on. You... Alma May's holding out on me. Do you have a nephew?

Alma May: Nephew? Oh, y-yes. Steve.

Jimmy: Okay, Steve. Is he a good guy?

Alma May: Yes, very good.

Jimmy: Okay. So, let's say you and Steve go out to dinner at, uh, well, Birdie's. That's where you're all headed today, right? All right. So, both of you have a great meal. It's chicken-fried steak and green beans, and it's all perfect. Here comes the check. "Hey, wait a doggone..." Twenty-four bucks for a side of buttermilk biscuits? "That doesn't sound right, now, does it?" No, it does not. It sounds like something got added up wrong. Well, naturally, you send your nephew Steve to talk to the manager, and naturally, the manager corrects the mistake. And what's more, he gives you a coupon for a free meal next time you come in. How about that? Good. Well, same kind of thing is what happened at Sandpiper Crossing. And nothing makes me sadder than to see people of the Greatest Generation... people like my own Nana and Bobo... gettin' overcharged by some great, big company. Even if it was an accident. Now, I know that the good people at Sandpiper want to make this right sooner or later, but you know what? Well, sometimes, it's just easier if you get your nephew Steve to go take care of it for you. And that's how I want you to think of me.

---

[Jimmy takes a phone call from Cliff after the broadcast of the commercial.]

Jimmy: Cliff! Jesus, you're still at the office.

Cliff: You ran a commercial?

Jimmy: Yeah. And oh my God, let me tell you, the response has been–

Cliff: You ran a commercial without ever showing it to me, without first consulting me and my partners! Did you actually think that was going to fly?!

Jimmy: I was planning on telling you in the morning.

Cliff: The day after it aired?!

Jimmy: I only ran it once, just in one small market. It was kind of an experiment, all right? Kind of under the radar. And in all fairness, you did tell me client outreach was my department.

Cliff: Don't be disingenuous. This commercial, I take it my firm's name is mentioned?

Jimmy: Yes, uh... yeah.

Cliff: Jesus. Howard said you were a little eccentric. He didn't tell me you were a goddam arsonist!

Jimmy: Cliff, to be fair, I don't think... I apologize if there was any misreading of the situation on my part, but there's a very positive headline here. We got 103 phone calls today, off a measly $700 ad buy. Now, that kind of return on investment you can't get–

Cliff: Tomorrow morning. Eight o'clock, my office, with the partners. And we want to see this thing!

Jimmy: Cliff, when you see this, I know you–

[Cliff hangs up on Jimmy.]

Gloves Off [2.04]

[Mike is in a motel room with an arms dealer, looking at sniper rifles]

Lawson: Good bolt-action rifle, if you jammed it, I'd wager ‭you were setting out to do so. Which brings us to the M40: tried and true, battle-tested. Essentially, the same rifle used by marine snipers since 1966. It's light, accurate, good for soft targets in the 800 to 1,200-meter range. [Mike inspects a rifle] You seem to know this one.

Mike: Oh, yeah. You could say that.

Lawson: That's the A1 model. There's not much change from the original. Biggest difference is the stock, it's fiberglass instead of wood. They changed it over in 1970 or so.

Mike: Good. Wood warped like hell. You get it wet, ‭you put it in the sun... gone. Somebody probably ‭shoulda figured that out before they sent it into a damn jungle.

---

[Kim has been called to a meeting with Howard and Chuck over Jimmy's unapproved TV commercial.]

Howard: It's a simple question, Kim: did you or did you not know about this commercial?

Kim: I— yes. He showed it to me—

Howard: He showed it to you?

Kim: Yes. A few days ago.

Howard: And you didn't say anything, to anyone?

Kim: No. I didn't.

Howard: You didn't think I deserved a heads-up?

Kim: I didn't realize— At the time, I didn't think it was necessary.

Howard: Well, you were wrong about that. We were caught flat-footed in front of our co-counsel, which I don't need to tell you does not reflect well on HHM. Or on you.

[There is a long pause between the three of them.]

Howard: That will be all. You can go.

[Kim leaves the conference room.]

---

Chuck: You have to admit that shows a lack of judgment on her [Kim's] part. She knows you. She should have known better.

Jimmy McGill: You are such an asshole.

Chuck McGill: Why? For pointing out that her one mistake was believing in you?

Jimmy McGill: For Christ's sake, could we get some perspective here? It was a simple little commercial, it aired once, that's all. And can I remind you it worked – it worked like a dream?

Chuck McGill: See, that's your problem, Jimmy. Thinking that the ends justify the means. And you're forever shocked when it all blows up in your face.

Jimmy McGill: What did I do that was so wrong?

Chuck McGill: You broke the rules.

[Jimmy scoffs]

Chuck McGill: You turned Kim into your accessory. You embarrassed Howard who, God help him, inexplicably vouched for you with Cliff Main. You made Cliff and his partners look like schmucks. Shall I go on? How he hasn't fired you for this positively mystifies me. "Perspective." You want perspective? I'll give you mine. You're my brother, and I love you, but you're like an alcoholic who refuses to admit he's got a problem. Now someone's given you the keys to the school bus and I am not going to let you drive it off a cliff.

---

Mike: That all you got? -->[Tuco laughs madly and lands a punch to Mike's eye]

Rebecca [2.05]

[Jimmy visits Kim in the basement of HHM, where she has been demoted to document review again.]

Jimmy: I'm telling you, Chuck is behind this.

Kim: No, you are behind this. I told you this would happen, and now I am paying the price. I should have known better. So now I'm keeping my head down and getting through this, and I'm most certainly not suing HHM.

Jimmy: Kim—

Kim: Even if I won, who would hire me? That would be career suicide.

Jimmy: All right. Then I quit Davis & Main.

Kim: What does that accomplish?

Jimmy: It's the only way to get you out of dutch. Because this is about Chuck, whether you want to believe it or not. I give him what he wants, he lets up on you.

Kim: Wow, my knight in shining armor. That is some sacrifice, quitting a job that you've been trying to tank since day one.

Jimmy: That's not true.

Kim: I dig myself out of this hole. You do your job, Jimmy. Prove you can go one week— hell, one day without breaking the rules of the New Mexico Bar Association or pissing off your boss. And don't insult my intelligence by saying you are doing any of this for me. You don't save me. I save me.

---

Chuck: Jimmy ever tell you anything about our father?

Kim: Not much, no.

Chuck: My dad – our dad – he was the personification of good. I'm not sure he could even see sin, in any form. Like he was born without the gene. He ran a little corner store in Cicero. Cigarettes behind the counter, penny candy. Nothing special, but it kept food on the table. And the neighborhood loved Dad. He knew everybody's name, what was going on in their lives. Just a little corner. He made it better. I was named after him. Before that, he worked for a lot of people over the years and his dream was to be his own boss. Put everything he had into that place. I was away at college when he put Jimmy to work there. Jimmy grew up in that store, watching our father. But Dad was not the world's greatest businessman, and eventually he ran into money troubles. I had a clerkship at the time, but I came home to help him get his books in order. Set the ship straight. Now, I'm no accountant, but I discovered $14,000 was just gone. Vanished over the years. Turns out Jimmy had pilfered it in dribs and drabs, just took it out of the till. My dad wouldn't hear it. Nope, not his Jimmy. He ended up having to sell. Six months later, he was dead. At the funeral, no one cried harder than Jimmy. My brother is not a bad person. He has a good heart. It's just he can't help himself. And everyone's left picking up the pieces.

---

[Mike is sitting at a diner when Hector Salamanca walks in and approaches his booth.]

Hector: Mind if I join you?

[Hector sits across from Mike. Fran, the waitress, comes to the booth.]

Fran: Hi. What can I get you?

Hector: Coffee, black.

Fran: It's coming right up.

[Fran leaves. Hector observes the bruises on Mike's face left by Tuco.]

Hector: Mmm. He really did a number on you.

Mike: Sorry, I know you?

Hector: The young man who did that to you is my nephew. Hothead, always has been. He thinks he's a boxer. He should have shown you respect. I apologize to you on behalf of my family.

Mike: Apology accepted.

Hector: And you know what? He should go to jail. Best thing for him, teach him respect for his elders. But not for eight years. Less, much less.

[Fran comes back to pour Hector's coffee.]

Hector: You see where I'm getting at?

Mike: Not really.

Hector: The gun charge, that's eight years he's going away, maybe ten. Aggravated assault, the gun, plus he got your wallet.

Mike: That's right.

Hector: I would like for you to tell the police that the gun was yours.

Mike: Would you?

Hector: You both a little hot under the collar about whether you bump his car or not, but there was a scuffle and he got your gun.

Mike: My gun?

Hector: Your gun from your pocket, he got it and that's how his prints got on it.

Mike: Then I'd be subject to the gun charge.

Hector: You're an ex-cop. They go easy on you.

Mike: So you're a psychic.

Hector: I even twist Tuco's ear, make him apologize. And he serves for battery, nothing else. I'm looking for the best possible outcome for everybody. And, for your trouble, you take home $5,000.

[Hector rises from his seat, leaves a tip, and begins to walk away]

Hector: Think about it.

Bali Ha'i [2.06]

[Mike is brought to the Salamanca hideout and put before Hector and the Cousins.]

Hector: Tomorrow, you go to the district attorney and you explain to him that my nephew's gun was yours. The DA will ask you why you didn't say anything before. You tell him you forgot, you were rattled. Make up anything you want, I don't give a shit. But it's your gun.

Mike: Let's discuss my payment.

Hector: Mm-mmm, that time is past. No five thousand for you.

Mike: The price is fifty.

Hector: How about your payment is you get to live?

Mike: Not enough.

Hector: Now you think you can negotiate with me? I say the word, my nephews go to a certain motel, pay a visit to your daughter-in-law and your little granddaughter. What do you think happens then? Consider your position carefully.

Mike: I get my money, or neither of us walk out of here.

[Mike reaches into his jacket, causing a reaction from the Cousins. Hector signals them to stand down.]

Hector: You're willing to die for this?

Mike: Maybe I need the fifty thousand more than you do.

[Hector chuckles]

Hector: [To Nacho, in Spanish] I told you, right? Giant balls. [To Mike, in English] How you manage to live so long with a mouth like that? Hmm? Fifty thousand, and the gun is yours.

Inflatable [2.07]

Cliff: Excuse me, can I have everyone's attention please? Everyone can hear me? Good. Frankly, this is not a conversation I ever thought I would have in my professional career. But it's been brought to my attention that we have an ongoing situation in the washroom. Someone is not flushing. Once is an accident, maybe even twice. Three times, nah, it's a pattern.

Erin: And we're not talking about a number one.

Cliff: Yes, thank you, Erin. Now I'm not here to shame anyone, nor do I even want to know who did it. But–

Jimmy: Uh, Cliff, it was me.

Cliff: Jimmy, I just said I didn't want to know!

Jimmy: Hey, we need the water. I read somewhere the Santa Fe Watershed is down two full inches this year. Every time you flush a toilet, you waste a gallon of water. A gallon! What could be greener than this?

Cliff: They're low-flow toilets, Jimmy! From now on, flush!

Jimmy: That's... good, good thinking.

Fifi [2.08]

[Jimmy, his camera crew, and what appears to be an elderly veteran in a wheelchair meet with an Air Force captain in front of the "FIFI" B-29 Superfortress]

Jimmy: Major Theodore "Fudge" Talbot. His mom used to deliver him care packages of fudge during the war and then share them with his friends. So that's the story, right guys?

Camera Guy: Yes.

Sound Guy: Yes.

Captain Bauer: Well sir, this must certainly bring back some memories for you.

"Fudge": [mumbles]

Jimmy: Too many to count, he says.

Captain Bauer: I got to say, Major Talbot, it's a privilege. So thank you for your service.

"Fudge": [mumbles]

Jimmy: He says you're welcome.

Captain Bauer: Oh. Well, um, boy. [to camera crew] I envy you guys. I mean, the stories you must have heard. You remember any good ones?

Camera Guy: Uh, bombing stuff.

Sound Guy: Bombing stuff.

Camera Guy: Bombing stuff.

Sound Guy: Like, like the war.

Captain Bauer: Did he fly over the Hump, or did he take off out of India?

[Jimmy grabs Fudge's shoulder and makes him feign a cough]

Jimmy: Doing okay? You need some water?

[Fudge nods]

Jimmy: Yes. Yes, sir. Nuts, I forgot his water.

Captain Bauer: Oh, hey. I can run back to the office, get him a bottle.

Jimmy: You could? Fudge, the captain's going to run back to his office, get you some water. Okay, sir?

"Fudge": [mumbles]

Jimmy: All right, that's great. There's no rush, he'll be fine.

Captain Bauer: I'll be back ASAP.

[Captain Bauer runs across the airfield. After he's gone, Jimmy and the camera crew begin removing Fudge's breathing apparatus.]

Jimmy: [to Fudge] I thought I told you not to say anything. Go stand by the front...nose, whatever.

[Jimmy and Fudge stand in front of "FIFI" while the camera crew sets up their equipment to shoot Jimmy's commercial]

Camera Guy: Where the hell did you find this guy? You couldn't get a real war hero?

Jimmy: Yeah, like they grow on trees. So this guy owes me. I defended him a while back when he couldn't pay.

Camera Guy: Defend him for what?

Jimmy: You want to be a lawyer when you grow up? Just fix the—

"Fudge": Public masturbation. Total bullshit.

---

Chuck: Don't worry. I'm not here to extol the virtues of HHM. I'm guessing you've already had to suffer through Howard's hard sell first time around. So you've done your time, as far as I'm concerned.

Howard: What hard sell? It was enthusiasm. I gave them cookies.

Kevin: Cookies were good, as I recall.

Chuck: No, I'm here to put your minds at ease. Kim Wexler is, indeed, the right choice to handle Mesa Verde. She's the obvious choice. She's young, she's brilliant, she's going places. Let's face it, Howard. She's the future. Two old guys like us, we're the past.

Howard: Well, that's a sad thought.

Chuck: Sad but true. [sighs] Banking law... needs to be exciting. It needs the next generation to come along and give it a big, old kick in the seat of the pants. Really wake it up. Let me tell you how boring I am. I read FEC and ISO reports for entertainment.

Howard: He does. I can attest to that.

Chuck: Well, I try to stay up on things. The rules are changing all the time. With everything that's happened with Enron and WorldCom, the government is extra vigilant. These days, the penalties for even the most honest of errors can be devastating. You need a sharp, young eye to catch that stuff. I mean, when you've specialized in this kind of work for decades on end, you tend to get kinda...

Howard: Stale.

Chuck: Stale. You get stale. You forget about things like, oh, I don't know, the Community Reinvestment Act. Any bank such as Mesa Verde looking to open a de novo branch is definitely going to need to show a healthy portfolio of CRA compliance. Duh. [chuckles] Obviously, you guys have all that covered, I'm sure. Riegle-Neal Interstate Banking and Branching Efficiency Act... there's another mouthful, huh? Boring! Still, if you were to run afoul of it, it could hold you up in court for years. And by the way, uh, if that were to happen to you folks as you go forward without us – which it will not – um, Howard has contacts at the Fed who could help sort things out.

Howard: One or two.

Chuck: Mm-hmm. And then there's the SEC's interpretation of Section 302 of Sarbox. Blah, blah, blah. [chuckles]

Howard: Well, navigating that correctly could mean savings of several hundred thousand dollars.

Chuck: They know that, Howard. Oh, I apologize. When you reach your golden years, you tend to get a little long-winded, ramble on and on about details. My point being, your bank is in excellent hands.

Kevin: Look, I take your point. I do. But I have to say, I have complete confidence in Ms. Wexler.

Chuck: You should. She was part of our team. She learned from us. You won't find better than Kim Wexler. But no matter how talented one individual may be, the needs of Mesa Verde are too big to handle alone. I wouldn't handle your coming expansion alone. Which is why you should consider, once again, enlisting a team of professionals.

---

[Jimmy gives direction to Fudge as his crew shoots the commercial in front of "FIFI"]

Jimmy: You're part of the Greatest Generation. You fought the Nazis.

"Fudge": Fought the Japanese.

Jimmy: What?

"Fudge": Fought Japanese. I fought the Japanese. This machine was used in the Pacific, where the Japanese are.

Jimmy: Why don't you shut up and learn to take some direction?

"Fudge": [indignant] ...Japanese.

Jimmy: All right, fine. You fought all the...dirty...Axis Powers.

Nailed [2.09]

[Chuck, Howard, Kevin, and Paige are appearing before the Banking Board to get approval to open Mesa Verde's new bank]

Chuck: Mr. Commissioner? Is there something we can clarify?

Mr. Ughetta's Assistant: Uh, yes. Could you give us the address of the proposed Scottsdale branch again?

Chuck: Certainly. It's 1216 Rosella Drive, Scottsdale, Arizona, 85262.

Mr. Ughetta: 1216? Okay, because the application I'm looking at today clearly gives the address as 1216.

Chuck: 1216. That's correct, sir.

Mr. Ughetta: But in the original submission, we're seeing 1261 Rosella Drive.

Kevin: [to Chuck] It is 1261.

Paige: 1261.

Chuck: [ignoring them] I think if you double-check, you'll see that 1216 is correct.

Mr. Ughetta's Assistant: There seem to be two different addresses here.

Paige: Mr. Commissioner, I have a copy of our notice of intent, which was published in newspapers in Arizona and New Mexico. It clearly states the address is 1261 Rosella Drive—

Chuck: Mr.–Mr. Commissioner, it-it–

Mr. Ughetta: 1261 Rosella Drive. Yes, I have a copy of the notice of intent too. But on the actual filing, the address reads 1216. So, which is it?

[beat]

Chuck: Mr. Commissioner, if I may confer with my clients?

Mr. Ughetta: Certainly, please.

Paige: [to Chuck] It's absolutely 1261.

Chuck: You are mistaken. And with all due respect, you're muddying the waters here.

Paige: Muddying the wat-?! [hands documents to Chuck] Look. Just look!

Chuck: Well, this is clearly an error.

Kevin: It's 1261. I know where my own damn bank is.

Howard: Now, let's just all calm down. I'm sure we can straighten this out—

Kevin: I've got a building remodeled at 1261 Rosella. I don't know where the hell 1216 is.

Chuck: I—I don't quite unders...[realizes] 1261?

Paige: 1261.

Kevin: Is this going to be a problem?

Howard: No, I'm sure it won't be.

Chuck: Um, Mr. Commissioner, I apologize. Unaccountably, there appears to be a discrepancy in our filing.

Mr. Ughetta: So the correct address is the one that appeared in the notice of intent, the 1261?

Chuck: It would seem so. Uh, it-it-it— we'd like to request an–an adjournment of just a few minutes so that we can amend the filing to reflect the correct address.

Mr. Ughetta: Well, I-I can give you an adjournment, uh, but...I don't think we can get you back in today.

Paige: If I may, when do you think you might be able to schedule us?

Mr. Ughetta: I'm being told by staff that they've already done the research for 1216 Rosella Drive. Our folks are going to have to go back to square one on the new address.

Chuck: If we could obtain a provisional agreement today, to allow the branch to open—

Mr. Ughetta: No, no. With all due respect, it's up to you folks to submit accurate paperwork. Maybe next time, double-check.

---

[Chuck is sitting in the living room when Jimmy and Kim come by to pick up the Mesa Verde files]

Jimmy: So Chuck, what's the deal with the locks?

Chuck: Kim, I was hoping to have this conversation with you and you alone. However, I guess it's time to clear the air once and for all.

Kim: Clear the air about what?

Chuck: [looks at Jimmy] He sabotaged me.

Jimmy: [feigning ignorance] Why, what are you-

Chuck: Please. Don't bother. You and I both know exactly what I'm talking about.

Jimmy: I don't.

Chuck: Yesterday morning was the worst professional humiliation of my life. A single transpositional error cost my client time and money, and permanently damaged my reputation. Then I realized, it wasn't an error. Not at all. A week ago last night, I was right there on that couch, barely conscious. And Jimmy showed up... [stands up from his chair] ...and he sent Ernesto away. My brother was going to take care of me. And in the dead of night, he went through my Mesa Verde files.

Jimmy: All right, you know what? We don't have to listen to this-

Chuck: She does! [to Kim] You do, for your own good. [taps his hand on the Mesa Verde file boxes] And in these files are thirteen documents containing the address of Mesa Verde's proposed branch – 1261 Rosella Drive, Scottsdale, Arizona. Jimmy pulled each and every one. And he left me here, sweating and delirious, while he went off to doctor them. You'd need a photocopier for that. Where'd you go, some all-night copy shop? [Jimmy scoffs] With a little careful cutting and pasting, he created duplicates, virtually identical to my originals but with one key change: 1261 Rosella Drive became 1216 Rosella Drive.

Jimmy: This is sounding like a lot of work.

Chuck: No one ever accused you of being lazy. Every other sin in the book, but not that one. [to Kim] And if you're wondering if Jimmy's up to a little casual forgery, you should know in high school, he had a thriving business making fake IDs so his buddies could buy beer.

Jimmy: You're gonna go all the way back to high school, huh?

Chuck: Hey, you and Mozart, huh? You both started young. He came back here and put his new versions in my files. And then, the next day, my caring brother took his leave. He knew that I would use his modified documents to write Mesa Verde's submission to the state regulator. And so I did, over and over. I typed "1216" instead of "1261". I remembered thinking, "1216 Rosella Drive. That's just one year after 1215, the year the Magna Carta was signed."

Jimmy: Jesus, Chuck, you are unbelievable. So you're saying, if we look in [your files] here, all the addresses will be wrong?

Chuck: Well of course you weren't gonna leave evidence behind. I'm guessing, yesterday morning, you waited until I left, then used your key to let yourself in, and returned the originals. No crime is complete without the cover-up.

Jimmy: Oh, come on! I did this, what, for some business?

Chuck: [to Kim] He did it for you. [long pause] Oh, I'm sure you didn't know anything about it. I believe he went off on his own and did this as some kind of twisted romantic gesture.

Jimmy: Chuck, I think you need to lie down with a cold washcloth on your head.

Chuck: [to Kim; continued] And now that you know, you have no choice. This is about a client. A client who has been defrauded. As a sworn officer of the court, as Mesa Verde's attorney of record, you have no recourse but to go to Kevin Wachtell and make a full disclosure.

Jimmy: This-this whole song and dance is all about getting his client back. That's all this is.

Chuck: Not in the least. If knowing the truth, they still go with you–

Jimmy: You can't stand the fact that they chose her over you.

Chuck: [exasperated] I can't stand the fact that my own brother stabbed me in the back! I can't stand the fact that you've deceived and ruined this fine young woman!

Jimmy: Ruined?! What is this, the 1840s? What are you talking about? She's not ruined–

Kim: Jimmy. [beat; Chuck and Jimmy look at Kim] If what you're saying is true, Jimmy could be charged with forgery. Fraud. Falsifying evidence. Even breaking and entering.

Chuck: Frankly, I am sick about this. But facts are facts.

Kim: ...And what is your evidence?

Chuck: My evidence? My evidence is knowing my brother for his entire life.

Kim: Chuck, I think there is another explanation. It's a simpler one: you made a mistake.

Chuck: I did not.

Kim: You're working by lantern light, squinting over 10-point type for hour after hour. Mistakenly changing "1261" to "1216" would be the most natural thing in the world. It could certainly happen to me.

Chuck: I did not make a mistake!

Kim: I believe you did.

Chuck: Look, I understand that you have great affection for Jimmy! A great many people do! But please open your eyes here!

Kim: You made a mistake. And instead of just facing up to it, you accuse your brother of plotting against you. You come up with this elaborate scheme–

Chuck: He's capable of this! You know he is!

Kim: I know he's not perfect. And I know he cuts corners. But you're the one who made him this way. He idolizes you, he accepts you, he takes care of you, and all he ever wanted was your love and support. But all you've ever done is judge him. You never believed in him, you never wanted him to succeed. [beat] And you know what? I feel sorry for him. [beat] And I feel sorry for you.

---

[Mike meets with Nacho at their usual place]

Nacho: I've got something I need to know, and I need to know it fast.

Mike: What's that?

Nacho: We got hit the other day. A truck headed south got hijacked. Someone stole a quarter of a million. Now Hector's flippin' out, lookin' for who did it. Thing is... I think it was you. They left the driver hog-tied, not a mark on him. Anyone in the game woulda capped him without a second thought. But this driver? He's still breathin'. I thought to myself, who's the guy who'll rip off a couple hundred thousand in drug money and leave a witness? Who's the guy ‭who won't pull the trigger? You. I'm not here to squeeze you. You wanna rip off the cartel, that's your business. But here's the thing. I'm picking up that driver, Hector's orders. We're gonna see what he knows, and if he knows you, that's bad for both of us.

Mike: That shouldn't concern you.

Nacho: But he was in on it, right?

Mike: The driver ‭had nothing to do with it.

Nacho: Then who?

Mike: Just me.

Nacho: You're telling me you did this without someone on the inside? Not possible. How did you know about the truck? How do you know about the tires?

Mike: All I can tell you is, you guys aren't half as smart as you think you are.

Nacho: So the driver doesn't know anything?

Mike: Not a thing.

Nacho: He hear your voice?‭

Mike: No. ‭

Nacho: Right now, Hector's looking at the competition, but he hears the driver say it was some old gringo...

Mike: He didn't hear me. He saw a guy with a ski mask, that's it.

Nacho: And you're sure of that?

Mike: Yeah.

Nacho: You better be right. [starts to walk away]

Mike: Why wasn't it in the papers?

Nacho: What?

Mike: The truck robbery, the cops keeping it out of the papers?

Nacho: The cops? The cops don't know shit about it.

Mike: How's that?

Nacho: Is that what this is about? You wanted to put the cops onto Hector? Why? You are nothing to him. He forgot all about you.

Mike: I haven't forgotten him.

---

[Chuck and Ernesto visit the copy shop where Jimmy forged the Mesa Verde documents. Lance, the night clerk, has just been bribed by Jimmy to deny that he was there]

Lance: When the guy [Ernesto] showed me the picture, I thought maybe. But now that I'm seeing it again... ah, sorry, don't know what to tell you. Guess I was wrong.

Chuck McGill: Son, listen carefully. I am an officer of the court investigating a felony.

Lance: So you're a cop.

Chuck McGill: No, no I'm not. I-I-I'm a...

Ernesto: Mr. McGill, maybe we better get you home.

Chuck McGill: Ernesto, do not speak to me as if I were a child. I'm fine.

[Chuck begins to be affected by his electromagnetic hypersensitivity]

Chuck McGill: [to Lance] I am not a police officer. I am an attorney. And I have a moral and legal obligation to get to the bottom of this matter.

Lance: The bottom of what?

Chuck McGill: Forgery. Fraud. Falsifying evidence...

[Chuck's electromagnetic hypersensitivity becomes worse]

Chuck McGill: ...Breaking and entering.

Lance: [to Ernesto] This guy, is he okay?

Chuck McGill: There's nothing wrong with me!

Ernesto: Mr. McGill, maybe we should just take a break and—

Chuck McGill: Ernie, shut up! [to Lance] You think about the choice you're making!

Lance: I already told you he wasn't here. What do you want me to say?

Chuck McGill: I want you to speak the truth! I know he was here! I know what he did! Tell me what you told Ernesto! Stop trying to change your story!

Customer: Excuse me, sorry. How do we get this to do 11x14?

Chuck McGill: [to Customer] No, excuse me, we are having a conversation here!

Lance: [to Customer] You have to switch it to tray four, it's easier if I show you. [to Chuck] Look... Dude, okay. I-I don't want any problems here, so just... [Lance leaves the counter; to Ernesto] Get him out of here or I'm going to call the cops, okay?

Chuck McGill: Do not walk away from me! We are not finished here!

Lance: I am done talking to you, man!

[Chuck tries to walk after Lance, but is overcome by the electromagnetic fields. He passes out and falls down, hitting his head on the counter.]

Klick [2.10]

[Jimmy sits with Chuck in his living room, which has been covered in Mylar tarps and duct tape]

Jimmy: What if I told you you didn't make a mistake?

Chuck: For Christ's sakes, Jimmy. Stop humoring me. Stop trying to talk everything right.

Jimmy: I rapped you. It was me. I would have made Nixon proud. I changed 1261 to 1216. It was me. It all went down exactly like you said. I mean, exactly. I doctored the copies, I paid the kid at the shop to lie for me. It is insane how you got every detail exactly right. So you can relax, okay? 'Cause that brain of yours is chugging along at a thousand percent efficiency.

Chuck: Are you telling the truth? Or are you just trying to make me feel better?

Jimmy: I am saying it to make you feel better. Sure as shit wouldn't be telling you otherwise. But yes, it's the truth.

Chuck: [angry] You'd go to such lengths to humiliate me?

Jimmy: I did it for Kim! Wha– She worked her butt off to get Mesa Verde while you and Howard sat around sipping scotch and chortling! Hamlin Hamlin McGill? More like Scrooge and Marley! Kim deserves Mesa Verde, not you, not HHM! She earned it and she needs it! I did it to help her. But I honestly didn't think it would hurt you so bad. I thought you'd just say, "Oh crap, I made a mistake," and go on with your life like a normal person! But oh no, wishful thinking!

[Long pause]

Jimmy: So can I, uh, tell Howard you're not quitting or retiring or whatever?

[Chuck nods]

Jimmy: And can we take all this shit down off the walls?

[Chuck doesn't respond. Jimmy starts to leave.]

Jimmy: I'm going to go call Howard.

Chuck: Jimmy.

[Jimmy stops]

Chuck: You do realize you just confessed to a felony?

Jimmy: I guess. But you feel better, right? Besides, it's your word against mine.

[Jimmy leaves the room, after which Chuck uses a pair of tongs to uncover and shut off an audiotape recorder.]

Season 3

Mabel [3.01]

Jimmy: Oh, my God. The Adventures of Mabel. I–I haven't thought about this in forev– You remember this, Chuck?

Chuck: I do. Harry Thurston Peck.

Jimmy: Yeah. Mabel goes into the mountain, and she meets the king of the Brownies and he gives her some kind of super-delicious jelly and– Holy crap, 1912.

Chuck: Yeah. It belonged to Granny Davenport. She wrote her name in it. She was reading that to her schoolkids the year the Titanic went down.

Jimmy: Damn. And Mom read it to me.

Chuck: I read it to you. You don't remember.

Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, I do now that you say it, yeah. What was I? Like, five or six?

Chuck: You had had this weird nightlight that you were so crazy about. It was, uh... It was...

Jimmy: It was Daffy Duck!

Chuck: It was some Daffy Duck ripoff with a weird red mouth–

Jimmy: –Bill. Yeah, the bill. Yeah.

Chuck: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And it used to get so hot we thought it would burn the house down, but you wouldn't let anybody touch it.

Jimmy: Yeah, that's– You got a great memory, Chuck. The red bill and everything. Hey, what was the name of that little girl that lived, uh, three houses up from us? She had, like, a...

Chuck: Jimmy.

Jimmy: ...painful haircut. And she was always in the dirt, always dirty...

Chuck: Jimmy.

Jimmy: ...I liked her. She was al–

Chuck: Jimmy. Don't think I'll ever forget what happened here today. And you will pay.

---

[Jimmy is confronted in his office by Bauer, the Air Force captain he tricked to shoot his commercial in "Fifi."]

Jimmy: Hello hello. It's so good to see you again.

Captain Bauer: I escorted you and your "clients" onto my base. I treated you with hospitality and respect. And I come to find every word out of your mouth is a damn lie.

Jimmy: Captain, please. Why– Sit down, take a load off. Hey, I'll get you a complimentary coffee or a soft drink–

Captain Bauer: And your so-called war hero, Fudge Talbot? No such person, never was.

Jimmy: Granted, some artistic license may have been taken.

Captain Bauer: You entered government property under false pretenses, sir.

Jimmy: Now, whoa, whoa, whoa– I am no expert on your procedures and your protocols and whatnot, so if we failed to cross a T or dot an I, I sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding.

Captain Bauer: No, it's not a misunderstanding!

Jimmy: Step back! Now picture this, okay? What damage was done? Hey. Who was hurt, huh? Who's damaged? The base is still there, right? The B-52 is, I presume, still at–

Captain Bauer: B-29.

Jimmy: Huh?

Captain Bauer: B-29. FIFI is a B-29.

Jimmy: [scoffs]

Captain Bauer: Oh, this is all just one big joke to you, huh?

Jimmy: You don't like the commercial.

Captain Bauer: No, no I don't. But this has nothing with do with the c–

Jimmy: Well, constructive criticism is always welcome.

Captain Bauer: But I just–

Jimmy: But you should realize that most people find it uplifting. Patriotic, even.

Captain Bauer: I–I...

Jimmy: You check your recruiting numbers, though. I think you're gonna see an uptick. And you know what? If it turns out that Fudge wasn't actually in the war–

Captain Bauer: Fudge is not a person. He wasn't in the war.

Jimmy: Well, neither was Tom Cruise. And look at what Top Gun did for you.

Captain Bauer: You lied to me. You lied to my face, and I can't let you get away with it.

Jimmy: I–I think we just– We're just gonna have to agree to disagree. So can we get you that coffee to go, or...

Captain Bauer: No, no! I'm gonna tell you what's happening now. You're gonna take that ad off the air. And if you play that ad one more time, I'm gonna go to the Judge Advocate and we will take you down – trespassing, false representation, stolen valor, the whole nine yards.

Jimmy: Seriously? For eight seconds of a TV commercial?

Captain Bauer: You take that ad down, or there'll be hell to pay. That clear enough for you?

[beat]

Jimmy: Make me.

Captain Bauer: Yeah?

Jimmy: Yeah.

Captain Bauer: Make you?

Jimmy: Yeah, let's do this! You bring your commander down here and I'll explain to him how you let us on the base, red carpet treatment.

Captain Bauer: B-b-because you lied your way in!

Jimmy: Not how I remember it, and I got witnesses to back me up! Do you like being an Air Force captain, huh? Do you think the United States wants to bring action against an old man in a wheelchair?

Captain Bauer: He was standing on TV! He wasn't even in a wheelchair!

Jimmy: Yeah, well, periodically he is. And when he shows up at court, you better believe he'll be in a wheelchair!

Captain Bauer: Because you're an ambulance-chasing piece of shit, 'cause you're always the same. You're always–

Jimmy: Always on a high horse, always trying to make me feel like I'm...

[Jimmy catches himself. He calms down.]

[beat]

Jimmy: Look, um... I'm a lawyer, and this is what I do all day, every day. So how about this. I–I won't fly jet planes, you stay out of court. Does that sound good?

Captain Bauer: You know, guys like you...you think you're so damn smart, and you think you don't have to play straight with anybody. The wheel is gonna turn. It always does.

[Jimmy opens his office door for Bauer to leave.]

Witness [3.02]

[Jimmy sticks his head in the trash bin at Los Pollos Hermanos, believing that a drop guy has left something inside.]

Gus: Can I help you?

[Jimmy, taken by surprise, hurriedly takes off his watch and deliberately drops it in the bin.]

Jimmy: Uh... My watch, uh, clasp is loose–it falls. I tried to reach it.

Gus: Oh, well, I'm sorry. Allow me.

[Gus takes the trash can out of the bin.]

Jimmy: Yeah, they say a nice watch band is as the watch. That's what they get for cheapin' out.

[Gus puts on a latex glove.]

Gus: We'll find it for you.

[Gus sifts through the trash can as Jimmy hovers his shoulder.]

Jimmy: Where the heck is it?

Gus: Oh, don't worry. If it's in here, I'll– Ah, there it is.

[Gus retrieves Jimmy's watch from the trash.]

Gus: Oh. May I clean this for you? We have alcohol wipes.

Jimmy: Uh, no. It's been in worse places. Thank you. That was very nice of you.

[Gus hands Jimmy the watch.]

Gus: No problem. It's my pleasure. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Jimmy: No. Uh, thanks.

Gus: You take care.

---

[Howard visits Chuck's house, where Chuck and a hired private investigator named Dave are waiting for Jimmy to show up and steal the audiotape in which he confessed to doctoring the Mesa Verde documents.]

Chuck: What's up?

Howard: Chuck, this has been going on for eight days now, and really no indication that it's going to work.

Chuck: It will work.

Howard: I think I've been very patient. But the cost of these round-the-clock private investigators is really starting to add up.

Chuck: Howard, this is our duty as officers of the court. We have an ethical obligation to–

Howard: Yes.

Chuck: My brother broke the law. We can't just sit back and do nothing.

Howard: I'm not talking about doing nothing. I just want to...free up our minds. And be open to alternate strategies. Please, meet me halfway here.

Chuck: [sighs] I suppose... I suppose we can limit the investigators to just nighttime hours.

Howard: Nighttime?

Chuck: Yes. Jimmy will most likely break in when he thinks I'm sleeping. I mean, I wouldn't put anything past him. It just makes the most sense he'll try to steal the tape under cover of darkness.

[Jimmy's car can be heard screeching to a halt outside.]

Howard: You really think he's going to do that?

Chuck: I do indeed.

Howard: How can you be so sure?

Chuck: Howard, I know my brother.

[Jimmy begins angrily banging on Chuck's front door. Chuck goes to the door while Howard and Dave hide in an adjoining room.]

Jimmy: Chuck! Chuck! Open the damn door, Chuck! Open the door, dammit! Open it, Chuck!

Chuck: Jimmy, go away.

Jimmy: Open the door! Open it now!

Chuck: I'm not opening the door. I'm not opening the d–

Jimmy: I swear to God, Chuck!

Chuck: Jimmy–

[Jimmy breaks in the door and pursues Chuck to his study.]

Jimmy: You taped me?! You asshole!

Chuck: Jimmy!

Jimmy: You pulled that heartstrings con job on me?! You piece of shit! "Oh, my brain used to work, I'm sick, I don't know what to do!" Asshole! No wonder Rebecca left you! What took her so long?!

[Jimmy reaches Chuck's desk and finds the locked drawer where his audiotape of Jimmy's confession is being kept.]

Jimmy: There it is!

[Jimmy tries and fails to pry the drawer open with a pair of scissors. He spots a poker next to the fireplace.]

Jimmy: Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!

[Jimmy takes the poker and pries open the drawer. He finds the tape player and pulls out the cassette.]

Jimmy: Oh, is this it? Is this it? Is this it? Huh? For this, you destroyed our family? Are you happy now?! For what?! For nothing!

[Jimmy corners Chuck and rips the cassette apart with his bare hands.]

Jimmy: Is that all there is, Chuck? Is that all there–all there is? Did you make copies? Huh, Chuck? Huh?! You tell me or I'll burn this whole goddam house to the ground!

[Howard and Dave step into the room.]

Howard: Jimmy! Jimmy! That's enough!

[Jimmy, seeing Howard and Dave, deflates and calms down.]

Howard: You need to step away.

Chuck: [shaken] Howard? You were a witness to what happened here?

Howard: I was.

Chuck: [to Dave] And you?

Dave: I'm a witness.

[Long beat as all three men stare in silence at Jimmy, who is now at Chuck's mercy.]

Sunk Costs [3.03]

[Mike kicks the gas cap and answers the ringing cell phone in the middle of a deserted road.]

Mike: Yeah.

Gus: May I assume that you are armed?

Mike: Yes.

Gus: I do not wish to see your gun. And if I don't, I promise you won't see mine. Are we in agreement?

Mike: We are.

Gus: Expect two cars momentarily.

[Mike is approached from two directions by two SUVs. Victor emerges from one car, while Gus Fring and Tyrus Kitt emerge from the other. Mike presents the "DON'T" note to Gus.]

Mike: You care to elaborate?

Gus: It's not in my interests for Hector Salamanca to die...at this time.

Mike: Who is he to you?

Gus: An associate of an associate.

Mike: Hm. How very specific.

Gus: Who is he to you?

Mike: We had a disagreement. He threatened my family. I'm not gonna let that go.

Gus: But you had let it go. You'd taken his money. Your family was no longer in danger. And yet, still, you robbed his truck. Shouldn't that have settled the matter? Most men would have walked away. But instead, you made an attempt on his life. Why?

[beat]

Gus: I understand that a civilian found the driver after you robbed the truck. Hector murdered this civilian, correct?

Mike: He wasn't in the game.

Gus: I can't allow you to kill Hector. However, I am not completely unsympathetic to your sense of justice. You hurt Hector when you robbed that truck. You hurt his business. His pride. Quite effectively. And if you were to hurt him in the same manner again, I would not stand in your way.

Mike: You want me to rob another truck.

Gus: If you feel so inclined.

Mike: I'm done with that.

Gus: Then our business here is finished.

Mike: That's it?

Gus: That's it.

Mike: No more tracker, no more of your minions following me? Just like that?

Gus: Just like that. Of course, I trust that you are done with Hector Salamanca.

[Mike nods.]

Gus: Goodbye, Mr. Ehrmantraut.

[Gus turns to leave.]

Mike: Wait.

[Gus turns back to face Mike.]

Mike: You want his trucks hit because you wanna disrupt his supply line. Hector's your competition.

Gus: Why do you ask?

Mike: Because I'm not done with Hector Salamanca.

---

[Jimmy is smoking a cigarette, waiting for the police to arrive to arrest him after Chuck's entrapment.]

Chuck: You won't want to hear it, but this is for the best. Please, Jimmy. Whatever you think of me, whatever colorful names you're calling me in your head right now, please understand I'm trying to help you. Here's what's going to happen. The police will arrest you. And I'm sorry, but I will be pressing charges. I told you there would be consequences. But I have to believe that you'll face those consequences and you'll come out the other side a better man. I know it's hard to see right now. But Jimmy, this is an opportunity. That's why I'm doing this, not to punish you. To show you – truly show you – that you have to make a change before it's too late. Before you destroy yourself, or someone else. And I believe you can change. You'll find your path. And when you're ready, I will be there to help you walk that path.

Jimmy: Here's what's gonna happen. One day you're gonna get sick – again. One of your employees is gonna find you curled up in that space blanket, take you to the hospital, hook you up to those machines that beep and whir and hurt. And this time, it will be too much. And you will die there. Alone.

---

Jimmy: I fucked up. Chuck bamboozled me, again. That tape? He made sure that Ernie heard it, right? 'Cause he knew Ernie, bless him, would tell me about it and I would come over, try to destroy it or steal it or whatever. Howard was there, and a P.I. if you can believe that. Just waiting for me to lose my shit and bust in. Chuck played me like a fiddle, and schmuck that I am, I fell for it. Moron. I'm sorry. I didn't call you, which is stupid, and I'm sorry about that too. But I didn't call you for a reason, okay? 'Cause this is my screw-up. I own it, okay? It's my responsibility to fix it. I know you wanna help, of course you do, 'cause you're wonderful. But you're up to your ears in Mesa Verde, and I can't – I won't – load this onto you too. We have worked too hard to let Chuck's bullshit vendetta threaten everything we're building. I won't allow him to endanger our business, no. I will fix this. Myself, me, Jimmy McGill – okay? You have gotta let me do this on my own.

Kim: Okay.

[beat]

Jimmy: Thank you.

Sabrosito [3.04]

[Gus confronts Hector, who is sitting behind Gus's desk in his back office at Los Pollos Hermanos.]

Gus: Don Hector.

Hector: Took you long enough.

[Hector rests his feet on Gus's desk.]

Gus: Don Hector, mine is a cartel business. But it is mine. And it is legitimate. My employees are civilians. Your actions here today have endangered them, my interests, and those of the cartel.

Hector: I am the cartel. And from now on, you are my mule. You are going to bring my product north.

[Hector notices what looks like dog feces stuck at the bottom of his shoe.]

Hector: Mierda.

[Hector takes a pen and picks the feces off on Gus's desk.]

Gus: I understand that your supply line has been compromised, and this is most unfortunate. However, my trucks are already at maximum capacity.

Hector: Make room.

Gus: Don Hector, you must understand that I answer to Juan Bolsa.

Hector: You want to cry to Bolsa, cry to Bolsa. Or hell, Eladio.

Gus: Adding more product will threaten the reliability of the entire operation. May I ask, did Don Eladio approve this?

Hector: I approve this.

[Hector rises from his seat and approaches Gus.]

Hector: You are doing it.

[Hector leaves the office.]

---

Gus: Excuse me, everyone. Could you all please take a moment and join me out here? Please, come. Come come come.

[Gus's employees gather around him.]

Gus: I would, uh...I would like to apologize to each and every one of you, who yesterday had to endure the behavior of those men. It was unacceptable. Despite the difficult circumstances, you all acquitted yourselves impeccably. That said, if any of you wish to seek counseling due to lingering trauma, speak with me privately and it will be arranged. Also, you will all be receiving twenty-four hours of overtime, as I am sure, in one way or another, each of you brought this incident home with you. Yes, Lyle?

Lyle: Mr. Fring, uh...who were those guys?

Gus: Well, some of you know that many years ago I opened my first Los Pollos Hermanos in Michoacán. Shortly thereafter, those same men showed up. They wanted money. And I-I...I'm ashamed to say that I paid them. You see, in that place, at that time, if I wished to conduct my business, I had no choice. But yesterday...yesterday, they came here. Here. They intimidated my customers. They threatened my employees. And, again, they wanted money. Now my friends, I-I must confess that I almost gave them what they wanted. But then, I thought, "No. No. This is America." Here, the righteous have no reason to fear. Here, those men have no power. And when they saw that I had no fear of them, they ran like the cowards they are, back across the border. They will not return. We will move on from this. My friends, I promise you that together, we will prosper.

[Gus's employees applaud.]

---

Gus: You sent back the payment we agreed upon.

Mike: What I did, I didn't do for you.

Gus: The man. The one killed for helping the truck driver. If I may make an observation, perhaps you were trying to correct something which cannot be corrected.

Mike: It's not the kind of thing I want to take money for.

Gus: But the fact remains that your actions benefited me more than you can know.

Mike: That's your business. I'm just glad to have Salamanca out of my head.

Gus: Well, perhaps in the future, you will consider working for me.

[Mike considers]

Mike: Could be. That'd depend on the work.

[Gus nods and turns toward his car, then turns back around.]

Gus: Would you care to know why I stopped you from killing Hector?

Mike: Like you said, it wasn't in your interest.

Gus: A bullet to the head would have been far too humane.

---

Kyra Hay: The confession you've written is adequate, but, frankly, I-I sense a lack of remorse. And I, for one, would like to hear an apology. Charles deserves at least that much.

Jimmy: Uh - Now?

Kyra Hay: Yes, Mr. McGill, now.

Jimmy: Okay. [Clears throat] I was wrong.

Kyra Hay: Mr. McGill, could you at least look your brother in the eye?

Jimmy: Chuck, I'm very sorry. I lost my temper, and I did some things so many things that I regret. I shouldn't have broken down your door. Doesn't matter how I was provoked. I-I shouldn't have done that. There's no excuse for that. Or for the things that I said. I regret it all, all of it more than you can imagine, because 'cause you're my brother, and no one should treat his own brother like that. Not ever.

Chicanery [3.05]

[Jimmy visits Dr. Caldera at his veterinary clinic, holding a goldfish in a plastic bag.]

Dr. Caldera: Jesus, what are you doing, man? There's barely any oxygen in that bag! You're suffocating her!

Jimmy: "Her?"

Dr. Caldera: Yeah, just because you don't see swinging dicks doesn't mean you can't tell a boy fish from a girl fish.

Jimmy: Oh yes, now I can see the lipstick.

---

Kim: Did you consider taking [Jimmy] on as an associate?

Howard: We did. Briefly.

Kim: Sounds like you didn't hire him. Why not, with that kind of grit?

Howard: The partners decided it would be best to avoid the appearance of nepotism. We felt hiring Jimmy might damage morale.

Kim: Nepotism, hmm? Your firm is Hamlin, Hamlin & McGill, right? Who's the other Hamlin?

[beat]

Howard: My father.

---

Jimmy: Earlier you talked about other diseases. Physical conditions, you said. So, okay, if you had – I dunno – lung cancer, would you have told Rebecca then?

Chuck: If that had been the case, maybe I might have.

Jimmy: So how is this different?

Male Committee Member: Mr. McGill, move it along.

Jimmy: You don't have to answer that. I wanna get down to brass tacks. I want to be very, very specific here. This illness, what does it feel like? You mentioned it's painful.

Chuck: It is. There's a tightness in my chest, difficulty breathing – and pain, burning pain. Pain spreads everywhere.

Jimmy: Sounds horrible. Does it hurt right now?

Chuck: There's always some discomfort, yes. Electricity is everywhere in the modern world. But I very much appreciate the indulgence of the panel for their accommodation here today. I can handle this fine.

[Jimmy makes a signal to Francesca, who leaves the courtroom.]

Jimmy: Right. So with the lights out, you don't feel them?

Chuck: If the current's not flowing, no.

Jimmy: I'm sorry about the exit signs. I guess they couldn't kill those for you.

Chuck: Well, they're not drawing much current and they're far away.

[Francesca comes back into the courtroom, followed by Huell. They take their seats.]

Jimmy: [sighs]

Chuck: Intensity drops off with distance, per the inverse-square law.

Jimmy: Oh, whoa. Inverse-square? I'm not a physicist. Could you dumb that down a shade for me?

Chuck: The farther away it is, the stronger the source needs to be to have an effect.

Jimmy: Got it, got it. So, if I had a small battery – say, from a watch or something – and I got it close to you, close to your skin, you'd know?

Chuck: I would feel it, yes.

Jimmy: Can you feel more current coming from any particular direction right now? From the back wall, or from over there? Or up through the floor– Can you tell us where the nearest source is, right now?

[beat]

Chuck: Jimmy, do you have something in your pocket?

Jimmy: Yes I do, as a matter of fact.

[Jimmy pulls a cell phone from his breast pocket and places it in front of Chuck.]

Jimmy: My cell phone. From this distance you should feel it, and you don't, do you?

Chairman: Mr. McGill, you were warned to leave your electronics outside.

Chuck: It's all right. It's all right. May I?

[Chuck takes the cell phone and opens the back.]

Chuck: Just as I thought. There's no battery in here. You removed the battery. That's a sorry little trick, isn't it?

Jimmy: Yeah, you got me, Chuck. Dead to rights. I removed the battery.

Robert Alley: Objection.

Chairman: Sustained. Y-you've taken all the leeway you're getting, Mr. McGill. Wrap it up fast.

Chuck: God, Jimmy! Don't you know by now this is real, I feel this? It's a physical response to stimuli. It's not a quirk. What do I have to do to prove it to you?

Jimmy: I don't know, Chuck. Could you reach into your breast pocket and tell me what's there?

Chuck: [scoffs] What now?

[Chuck reaches into his pocket and retrieves the battery to the cell phone. Startled, he drops it on the floor.]

Jimmy: Can you tell the court what that was?

[Jimmy picks up the battery.]

Chuck: A battery...

Robert Alley: Mr. Chairman, please–

[Huell stands up from his seat.]

Jimmy: Do you recognize that man in back? His name is Huell Babineaux, he's on our witness list. You bumped into him in the stairway. He'll testify he planted this fully-charged battery on you over an hour-and-a-half ago.

Huell: Hour and forty-three minutes.

Jimmy: An hour and forty-three minutes. Thank you, Mr. Babineaux. [to Chuck] And you felt nothing.

[Jimmy turns on the cell phone and holds it to Chuck's face.]

Chuck: No, no, no. No no, it's a trick, it has to–

Robert Alley: Enough is enough. I submit that Mr. McGill's mental illness is a non-issue. If he were schizophrenic...

Chuck: Schizo– ?!

Robert Alley: ...it would not take away from the fact that the defendant–

Chuck: I am not crazy!

[beat]

Chuck: I am not crazy! I know he swapped those numbers, I knew it was 1216! One after Magna Carta, as if I could ever make such a mistake! Never! Never! I just–I just couldn't prove it! He–he–he covered his tracks, he got that idiot at the copy shop to lie for him...

Robert Alley: Mr. McGill, please. You don't have to go into–

Chuck: You think this is something? You think this is bad, this–this chicanery? He's done worse. That billboard! Are you telling me that a man just happens to fall like that? No, he orchestrated it! Jimmy! He defecated through a sunroof, and I saved him! I shouldn't have! I took him into my own firm! What was I thinking? He'll never change. He'll never change! Ever since he was nine, always the same! Couldn't keep his hands out of the cash drawer! "But not our Jimmy! Couldn't be precious Jimmy!" Stealing them blind! And he gets to be lawyer?! What a sick joke! I should have stopped him when I had the chance! And you, you have to stop him! You–

[Chuck stops when he sees everyone in the courtroom – Jimmy, Kim, Howard, Rebecca, the panel – all staring at him in shock and dismay.]

Chuck: I apologize. I lost my train of thought. Got carried away. Do you have anything else?

Jimmy: No. Nothing further.

Off Brand [3.06]

Hector: So your father, his shop. Where does he get his upholstery?

Nacho: ...From, uh, the distributor.

Hector: And where is the distributor?

Nacho: ...Jalisco.

Hector: Jalisco. Uh, I want a new way to get my stuff over the border, a legitimate business.

Nacho: Right, but the chicken man...

Hector: Temporary. I want a new front, my own.

Nacho: Don Hector, my father is a simple man. He is not in the business.

Hector: You will teach him.

Nacho: Don Hector, please...

Hector: Don't worry about it, I take good care of Poppy. He make good money, a lot more than with his little sewing machine.

---

[Jimmy plays a videotape of his first commercial using the Saul Goodman moniker.]

Jimmy [in ad]: What's that I see? Albuquerque's next TV star? It's you, small business owner! Struggling to make it in today's fast-paced economy? Thought television advertising was too expensive for you? Well you better think again! You can't afford not to be on TV! Look at you, you're a triple threat: great services, great products, and most of all, that face! You're a star! Wrap it all up in your natural charisma, and bam — you belong on TV! Better watch out for autograph hounds and paparazzi! And it gets better! I can have you on the air tomorrow! Yeah, you heard me right — tomorrow! Better get ready to be famous, Albuquerque! I can make you a TV star for a price you can afford! Call me, Saul Goodman! The world needs to know about you and your business! Call me now!

---

[Jimmy and Kim finish watching the video of the "Saul Goodman Productions" commercial. Kim is taken aback.]

Jimmy: The guy at the station said he's never seen so many star wipes in a row. It's never been done.

Kim: "Saul Goodman."

Jimmy: Yeah. It's like, "S'all good, man."

Kim: That guy has a lot of energy.

Jimmy: Nah. It's just a name.

[beat]

Kim: ...Huh.

Expenses [3.07]

Mike: I need to know what you're planning.

Nacho: What's it matter to you?

Mike: I know they're for Salamanca. Nitro pills. Your boss has heart problems.

Nacho: You already got it all figured out. Why are you asking?

Mike: How are you going to make the switch?

Nacho: [sighs] Hector keeps the pills in his coat pocket. When he hangs up his coat, I'll make the switch.

Mike: Hm. He goes down, then what?

Nacho: His heart goes out, that's it.

Mike: Lot of eyes on Salamanca. You do this, how are you going to stop them from finding out it was you?

Nacho: Are you trying to tell me not to do this?

Mike: I'm not telling you anything. Just want to make sure you know what you're getting into.

Nacho: I'm not "getting" into anything. I'm in it. I've got no choice. Hector wants to use my dad's business. My dad is a straight-arrow, he won't stand for it. Which means he goes to the police, which means he's a dead man. And that's not happening.

Mike: You get caught, it could get worse.

Nacho: You don't think I know who I'm dealing with?

Mike: No. I don't.

---

[Jimmy makes an appointment at the Santa Rosa Insurance Group to meet with Ms. Valco, a malpractice insurance agent.]

Ms. Valco: Hey there. Come on in.

Jimmy: Yeah, hi. I called quite a few times about an issue I'm trying to address.

Ms. Valco: Do you know your policy number?

Jimmy: No. Can you just look up my name, McGill?

[Ms. Valco types into the computer.]

Ms. Valco: Charles McGill of Hamlin Hamlin McGill?

Jimmy: No, that's my brother. Um, I'm Jimmy. James McGill, solo practitioner.

Ms. Valco: Hmm, there you are. Looks like you're all paid up through the year.

Jimmy: That's sort of the issue. Long story short, through a series of unfortunate events, my license has been suspended.

Ms. Valco: Yes, I see that here.

Jimmy: Right. Well, I was hoping I could get a refund for the time I won't be a lawyer. Now that's only fair, right?

Ms. Valco: I'm sorry, Mr. McGill. It doesn't work like that. We don't refund for unused malpractice insurance.

Jimmy: [sighs] But it's—it's a lot of money, for nothing.

Ms. Valco: I understand it seems that way, but if one of your clients decides they want to bring a suit against you, this continues your coverage.

Jimmy: [snaps his finger] That's the thing. My clients, they love me. And they would never bring a suit against me. I'm extremely lovable.

Ms. Valco: I can see that, but it's company policy.

[beat]

Jimmy: What about we put the insurance on hold? And then if someone were to try to sue me – which they won't – then we just, uh, kick that old policy back into gear?

Ms. Valco: I understand your situation. I do. But there are rules preventing us from stopping and starting coverage. And I regret to inform you that when your license is reinstated next year, because of the suspension, your premiums are going to go up. Considerably.

Jimmy: How considerably?

Ms. Valco: [pulls open a file drawer] Ummmm... Looks like roughly 150%.

[Jimmy is visibly shocked by this news. He stuggles to contain his emotions. Tears start to well up in his eyes.

Ms. Valco: Mr. McGill?

[Jimmy exhales and begins to weep.]

Ms. Valco: Oh, I... Mr. McGill, I'm sorry. I wish we could help you, but we just can't.

Jimmy: I'm sorry. It's hard. Very, very hard. I'm just having a rough time. I just need a break. Just one break. I know...I know you can't do anything. I'm getting run out on this community service, and getting ripped off left and right, and my car won't start. My gal is disappointed in me. My brother... my brother is sick. And he's alone. I spent years caring for him, and now he hates me. The only family I got left and he hates me. He hates my guts.

Ms. Valco: Is this your brother Charles?

[Jimmy nods.]

Ms. Valco: Oh...

Jimmy: I pretend not to care, but he's my brother. How can I not? He's mentally ill. He's...he's holed up in a house with no electricity. He's working by the light of gas lanterns, wha—? He's making mistakes with his clients, he's mixing up numbers on important documents, he...he...he had a complete mental breakdown at the bar hearing.

Ms. Valco: Your brother, had a breakdown in court?

Jimmy: It's in the transcripts...

[Jimmy continues sobbing as Ms. Valco reaches for post-it notes and begins writing something down.]

Jimmy: I...I'm really worried. I just... If he screws up with one more big client, I... It's just gonna destroy him. No, don't...don't write. What are you writing? No, don't write...

[Ms. Valco gestures and puts down her pen.]

Jimmy: I...I didn't mean to say that. I don't want him to get in trouble with you guys 'cause of me.

Ms. Valco: Right.

Jimmy: I... Um, sorry. I'm gonna go. You're not gonna do anything, are you?

Ms. Valco: I–I wouldn't worry about it, Mr. McGill. Please feel better.

Jimmy: I'm sorry. Just, um, forget...

[Jimmy leaves Ms. Valco's office. As he walks away, a smirk grows on his face.]

Slip [3.08]

[Mike visits Los Pollos Hermanos and talks to him in his backroom office.]

Mike: I've got a problem I think you can help me with. I've got cash I can't spend, about $200,000. If anything happens to me, my family will never see it. Now, it seems to me you opened this place to solve a similar problem.

Gus: And you think that solution could be applied to you?

Mike: It's a one time arrangement.

Gus: It would be unwise for us to be publicly associated, wouldn't you agree?

Mike: Because of the Salamancas.

Gus: If they were to take notice, there will be consequences for both of us.

Mike: I'm thinking a paper transaction.

Gus: Even so. Perhaps there is a way. One with a degree more difficulty, but one I may be able to arrange.

Mike: Would twenty percent overcome this difficulty?

Gus: I will not take money from your family.

[After a beat, Gus stands up and extends his hand. Mike shakes it.]

Fall [3.09]

Mike: This is a very nice office.

Lydia: Thank you.

Mike: You seem to be risking a lot for a drug dealer.

Lydia: "Drug dealer." If that's all you think he is, then you don't know Gustavo Fring.

---

[Hector and Gus face each other at an industrial location, flanked by their respective henchmen: Victor and Tyrus on Gus' side, and Arturo and Nacho on Hector's side. Hector communicates with Juan Bolsa via a cell phone placed on the table in front of him. The dialogue is in Spanish.]

Hector: What's so important?

Bolsa (over cell phone): Had a conversation with our friend by the pool. He's very pleased with our progress. He feels our consolidated transportation method is working. In fact, it works so well that our friend says this will be the only way, moving forward. Of course, your territory will stay yours forever. But this system has less exposure. Less risk. Everything moves through the Chilean.

[beat]

Bolsa (over cell phone): Can you hear me?

[Hector gets up and angrily throws the cell phone to the ground.]

Hector: I hear you.

Gus: Don Hector. I never asked for this. I do not want it.

[Hector keels over, on the verge of another coughing fit. Arturo tries to come to his aid.]

Arturo: Don Hector...

[Hector pushes him away and reaches for the vial of pills in his coat pocket, unaware that Nacho has tampered with them. He downs the whole vial, but he seemingly recovers with no ill effect. He turns to Gus.]

Hector: Fuck Eladio, fuck Bolsa, and fuck you.

[Hector, Arturo, and Nacho leave.]

---

[Nacho is sitting at a table in his father Manuel's kitchen with a glass of milk. His father approaches him. The dialogue is in Spanish.]

Manuel: Ignacio?

Nacho: Hey, Dad.

Manuel: I was falling asleep to the news.

Nacho: Yeah, I know.

Manuel: Are you all right, mijo?

[Manuel sits across from his son]

Nacho: Papa. A man is going to come to your shop. Soon. A bad man.

Manuel: What?

Nacho: He'll want to run the place for a while. And you'll have to let him. Do you understand?

Manuel: And who is this man?

[beat]

Nacho: ...Hector Salamanca.

Manuel: Salamanca?

Nacho: I've been working for them again. I know what you're thinking. You can scream at me, disown me, never speak to me again. But whatever happens, you must do what he says. I know what you're gonna want to do. But you can't. You can't, Papa. Do what he says, this will blow over in a few weeks. If you don't... I swear. I swear it will be over soon.

Manuel: How can I believe anything you say?

Nacho: Promise me you won't do anything stupid. Promise me, Papa. Please.

[beat]

Manuel: Get out of my house.

[Nacho quietly gets up, empties the glass of milk into the sink, and leaves.]

---

Howard: You're suing Hamlin Hamlin McGill?!

Chuck: Come on in, Howard.

[Howard steps into Chuck's kitchen while he's cooking. He notices that Chuck has restored the electricity.]

Howard: You turned the lights on?

Chuck: I told you, I'm back to normal. And yes, I am suing HHM for breach of contract.

Howard: Do you have any idea what you're doing?

Chuck: I believe I do. I'm calling your bluff. This is my firm – I built it. Your father was working in a two-room office when I joined him. And you, I tutored for the bar exam. You're not kicking me out. If you can't trust my judgment as you say, so be it. But you're gonna have to pay me for my share. I believe it comes to around $8 million. We both know the firm doesn't have the money.

Howard: You'd rather tear down HHM than retire?

Chuck: You think I'm trouble now, as your partner? Imagine me as your enemy.

Howard: Chuck. The damage that you're going to do...

Chuck: If you'd like to discuss this further, we can in court. Until then... [shrugs] ...what else is there to say?

Lantern [3.10]

Howard: Seventeen years. Eighteen in July, actually. All those years we built this place together. And all that time I've supported you. Looked up to you, deferred to you. Because I always thought you had the best interests of the firm in mind.

Chuck: I have!

Howard: Mnh. You did. For a long time. But you've let personal vendettas turn your focus away from what's best for HHM. You've put your needs first. To our detriment.

Chuck: I don't think that's accurate.

Howard: And the moment that I mildly suggest, with empathy and concern, that maybe it's time for you to consider retirement... the first instinct you have is to sue me?! To sue the firm? Well, I... I-I don't even know. I-In what world is that anything but the deepest betrayal of everything we worked so hard to accomplish? In what world is that anything but the deepest betrayal of our friendship?

Chuck: Howard, I could argue that you're the one who betrayed me.

Howard: That's bullshit. And you know it. This is pointless.

[Howard hands Chuck an envelope]

Howard: Here. Just take this.

Chuck: $3 million?

Howard: The first of three payments, as per the partnership agreement.

Chuck: The firm can't afford this. Are you– You're not shutting down, are you?

Howard: I would never endanger the firm. This is mostly from my personal funds. And a few loans.

Chuck: [astonished] You're paying me out of your own pocket.

[pause]

Howard: You won.

---

Chuck: What was it you wanted, beyond proof of life?

Jimmy: Oh. Uh, s-something happened, and it made me think about what–what went down between you and me. And so I wanted to say in hindsight, I could have made different choices.

Chuck: Is that so?

Jimmy: Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying it's all on me. It's not. But if I had to do it all over again, I would maybe do some things differently. I just thought you should know that.

Chuck: That you have regrets.

Jimmy: Yeah. I have regrets.

Chuck: ...Why?

Jimmy: Why? Because you're my brother. There aren't that many of us McGills left and, uh, I think we should stick together.

Chuck: No, why have regrets at all? What's the point?

Jimmy: What do you mean?

Chuck: Well, look at you. You're in so much pain. Why are you putting yourself through all this?

Jimmy: Because I wanted to tell you—

Chuck: That you have regrets. And I'm telling you, don't bother. What's the point? You're just going to keep hurting people.

Jimmy: That's not true—

Chuck: Jimmy, this is what you do. You hurt people over and over and over, and then there's this show of remorse.

Jimmy: It's not a show.

Chuck: I know you don't think it's a show. I don't doubt that your emotions are real. But what's the point of all the sad faces and the gnashing of teeth? If you're not going to change your behavior, and you won't...

Jimmy: I can change—

Chuck: ...why not just skip the whole exercise? In the end, you're going to hurt everyone around you. You can't help it. So stop apologizing and accept it, embrace it. Frankly, I'd have more respect for you if you did.

Jimmy: What about you, Chuck? Hm? You didn't do anything wrong? You're just an innocent victim?

Chuck: Let me put your mind at ease, Jimmy. You don't have to make up with me. We don't have to understand each other. Things are fine the way they are. Hey...

[Chuck puts his hands around Jimmy's shoulders.]

Chuck: ...I don't want to hurt your feelings. But the truth is, you've never mattered all that much to me.

---

[Hector, Nacho, Arturo, Gus, and Juan Bolsa confront each other in the lot of the upholstery shop belonging to Nacho's father.]

Bolsa: Don Hector. Don Eladio wanted me to speak with you face-to-face so there's no misunderstanding. From now on, there will be only one route over the border for our product: the chicken trucks. And that is final. But you must understand, this is for efficiency only. There's no disrespect to you or your family.

Hector: [gestures to Gus] What's he doing here?

Bolsa: The boss wants you to settle this.

Hector: I settle it right now, okay?

Bolsa: [sighs] You have to work together. It's what the boss wants.

Hector: The boss can suck me!

Bolsa: I'd watch what I say if I were you.

Hector: Who you think you are? You should be kissing my ass right now! Me and my family, we built this whole business!

Bolsa: We all did, together.

Hector: No, no! Salamanca did! Salamanca money! Salamanca blood!

Bolsa: You have to calm down.

Hector: That hacienda, I pay for it! And you treat us like dogs!

Bolsa: Hector, this isn't personal!

Hector: It is! It is personal–

[Hector begins having a heart attack. He tries to take his pills, not knowing that Nacho spiked them. He falls over and loses consciousness.]

Season 4

Smoke [4.01]

[Jimmy and Kim visit Chuck's house the morning after his suicide by fire, and react to his death]

Jimmy: So...?

Kim: [holding back emotion] He says it started in the living room. Somehow one of the lanterns was knocked over, and then... The inspector says it was over fast, smoke inhalation. So he didn't suffer.

Jimmy: Yeah, they're gonna say that. Did you see the backyard?

[Kim shakes her head]

Jimmy: His microwave, his stereo, uh, the lights, dishwasher, all–all the kitchen stuff – everything electric is back there. The firemen didn't do that. He did that. [sighs] I saw him five days ago. He was listening to jazz, all the lights worked. He was himself. Something must have happened. Something made him relapse.

---

[Gus and Bolsa meet with Nacho and Arturo at a Los Pollos Hermanos warehouse after Hector's stroke. The dialogue is in Spanish.]

Bolsa: [to Arturo] You I know. [to Nacho] You I don't.

Arturo: Tuco's man. He's okay.

Bolsa: Tuco's man?

Nacho: Ignacio.

Bolsa: Don Hector had a stroke. We don't know when he will be back. But listen to me: Salamanca territory stays Salamanca territory. Nothing changes. Collections continue as before. The count must be exact. Anyone crosses a line, you stop them. You have a delivery tomorrow night. You pick up, you package, you distribute. All as you've done before. Do you understand?

[Nacho and Arturo both nod]

Nacho: You do this right, things could go very well for you. Go.

[Nacho and Arturo both leave the room]

Bolsa: The old bastard, he's always been trouble. But he keeps his house in order. Gustavo. What do you think?

Gus: Someone will move against the Salamancas. Which brings...war. Which brings...chaos. Which brings...the DEA.

---

[Mike is visiting a Madrigal break room when two employees enter, having a debate]

Madrigal Employee #1: Bruce had the speed. He could kick you before you saw him move.

Madrigal Employee #2: Yeah, but watch the Liston fight.

Madrigal Employee #1: We're talking about what, boxing? Because that's something else.

Madrigal Employee #2: No, we're talking about a street fight.

Madrigal Employee #1: Street fight? Great, so Bruce can kick!

Madrigal Employee #2: No, we're not talking about a movie fight. We're talking about weight, we're talking about reach.

Madrigal Employee #1: Boxing is a sport. Martial arts is life and death.

Madrigal Employee #2: Look, I don't care how fast you are, Muhammad Ali hits you, you going down. That's a fact.

Madrigal Employee #1: If he hits you. Bruce Lee – he knows the anatomy, he's got the moves, he's gonna find an opening.

Madrigal Employee #2: Without power, the–the opening doesn't mean squat. How much does he weigh?

Madrigal Employee #1: I dunno, maybe a buck thirty.

Madrigal Employee #2: Ali was the heavyweight champ. He's got at least a hundred pound on Lee.

Madrigal Employee #1: Bruce feints Ali's hit, but he goes low when he sweeps into the deck. Ali goes down hard, it's all over!

Madrigal Employee #2: [scoffs]

Mike: Does he have a gun?

Madrigal Employee #1: I'm sorry?

Mike: Does Bruce Lee have a gun? Because if he doesn't, it's Ali in three minutes or less.

Madrigal Employee #2: See? That's what I'm saying.

---

Mike: I waltz through security with someone else's ID. Nobody gives me a second look. When the rightful owner shows up, there's no facility-wide badge check. I find access doors left unlocked or propped open, passwords written on Post-it notes. Warehouse workers are using pen and paper instead of electronic inventory devices, which leaves you wide open to pilfering. You got duplicate routing numbers on cargo, surveillance camera blind spots on the north and the east side of the floor, inventory documents that are going into the trash instead of being shredded, not to mention loading equipment being driven at unsafe speeds and crews disregarding safe–

Madrigal manager: Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Who are you, exactly?

Mike: Ehrmantraut. Security consultant.

Madrigal manager: Well, all due respect, I don't know anything about a security consultant.

Mike: Well, you wouldn't, would you? Maybe you'd best call corporate. Try Lydia Rodarte-Quayle.

---

Howard: I-I think I owe you the truth about Chuck. Those lanterns. He was living in that house without electricity for the better part of two years. He knew how to use those lanterns. He was careful, I saw it, I know you did too. There was never a problem. I know it's a terrible thing to... [pause] I don't think what happened was an accident.

[Jimmy and Kim don't respond]

Howard: You probably heard Chuck was retiring from HHM. But that's not the truth. The truth is that we had a disagreement, and I pushed him out. I made him go.

Kim: Chuck was sick for years. And after the bar hearing–

Howard: The bar hearing had nothing to do with it.

Kim: Okay.

Howard: The fact is, he started getting better after that. He took more of an interest in the firm, he came to work, we could leave the lights on. He was improving until the thing with the insurance, so i-it wasn't the bar hearing.

Jimmy: The insurance?

Howard: It was a ridiculous thing. I should have just let it go. I mean, God knows he's done enough for me. But he kept pushing, and I, um, I got my back up.

Jimmy: What about the insurance?

Howard: It was, uh, our malpractice insurance. They found out about Chuck's condition, raised our rates. Chuck went ballistic. He wanted to go to war. I drew a line. He wouldn't back down, so I forced him out. Never occurred to me that I could hurt him. He always seemed so strong. But he wasn't. I think he did what he did because of me.

[pause]

Jimmy: Well, Howard, I guess that's your cross to bear.

Breathe [4.02]

[Jimmy leaves his job interview at Neff Copiers after being promised that he will be contacted in a week. Jimmy impulsively walks back to Mr. Neff's office.]

Henry: Yes?

Jimmy: I'm sorry, could I just have another minute? I-I'll be real quick.

Mr. Neff: Uh, yeah, sure, Jimmy. What's on your mind?

Jimmy: Uh, look, I know you are gonna take some time to consider your options, but maybe we could settle this right now. There's a thing that we all know called opportunity cost – the time you spend looking for someone is time I could be out there working for you. And sure, there are salesmen out there with way more experience than me. But what are the chances one of them's going to come walking through that door in the next week? And is it worth the wait? Maybe. Maybe. But I could tell you this: none of them will have the connection to your machines that I do. None. I worked in the mail room. I know how important the copy machine is – deadlines, last minute changes. And I was in there. I was clearing paper jams, I was cleaning ink off gears and rollers trying to figure out where the mystery streaks were coming from. [chuckles] I was down on my hands and knees with my tie over my shoulder and ink-stained hands and a line of assistants out the door, and they're all worried that they're gonna lose their job if they don't get their document in the next five minutes. I know – I know better than anyone – that the copier, it's the beating heart of any business. It goes down, it causes delays – that is lost money, that is frustrated employees, that's a negative work environment, that's a business on life support. But you plug one of your new machines into the system, that is a healthy, strong heartbeat – ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk! That is a healthy business – ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk! That is a successful business! And that's what we're selling.

Mr. Neff: Um, just...

[Jimmy walks to the other side of the room while Mr. Neff and Henry confer amongst themselves. After a few minutes, they approach Jimmy.]

Mr. Neff: Jimmy. Welcome to the team.

Jimmy: Really?

Henry: Damn right! Congrats! We'll get you set up with Audrey in HR, fill out your paperwork, and hopefully you'll be all set by the end of the day.

Jimmy: So just like that, huh?

Mr. Neff: Yep. Why wait when we can get you rolling?

Jimmy: You were gonna take some time though and consider your options, but, uh...I just come in and do that little song-and-dance and...I'm in?

Mr. Neff: Yeah. Right. That's right.

Jimmy: Wh– Are you out of your mind? You don't know me. I just came in off the street. You guys are like a couple of cats. I come in, wave a shiny object, you're like, "I want that!" No due diligence? No background check? No, just hire the guy that says them fancy words? I could be a serial killer! I could be a guy who pees in your coffee pot! I could be both!

Henry: ...So you're not taking the job?

Jimmy: No, I'm not taking the job! Suckers. I feel sorry for you.

[Jimmy takes his briefcase and leaves]

---

[Gus is cleaning trash in the parking lot when Lydia calls]

Gus: Yes.

Lydia: It's me. Can we meet?

Gus: Now is not a good time.

Lydia: I'm in town. I can easily meet wherever is convenient.

Gus: Assume this is a secure line.

Lydia: I spoke with your..."security contractor." I explained the situation, again, but he's going to keep doing what he's doing.

Gus: I understand.

Lydia: But what he's doing makes no sense.

Gus: Do his reasons matter?

Lydia: They do if he's unreliable.

Gus: He is reliable.

Lydia: So I'm just supposed to let him keep stealing my employees' badges? [Gus is distracted by Tyrus pulling into the parking lot] I don't know where he's gonna turn up next, what disruption he's gonna cause, what mess I'm gonna have to clean up. This isn't something I want to spend my time worrying about.

Gus: Then I suggest you give the man a badge. [hangs up]

---

Kim: I just, uh...I just had to know – what were you thinking?

Howard: About?

Kim: What were you thinking when you came to Jimmy on the day of his brother's funeral and laid that shit on him? That Chuck killed himself? What's wrong with you?

Howard: I-I thought... I thought I owed it to Jimmy, to tell him.

Kim: "Owed it to him?" Did you owe it to Rebecca? You tell her your theory? That Chuck intentionally set himself on fire?

[Howard doesn't answer]

Kim: Well, I guess not. I guess you just saved that one for Jimmy.

Howard: Kim, I didn't do it to hurt Jimmy–

Kim: No, you did it to make yourself feel better.

Howard: That–that's not what I was trying to do–

Kim: To make yourself feel better by unloading your guilt. Who cares what it does to Jimmy, right? As long as Howard Hamlin is okay.

Howard: Kim, I don't think that's fair–

Kim: FAIR?! Let's talk about fair! "Hey, let's let Jimmy dig around the fire-damaged wreck where his brother died SCREAMING! And then, let's let him pick up a keepsake or two!" That is so, SO fair! And did I hear you right? You want him to serve on the board of a scholarship committee?! A scholarship that Chuck never in a million years would've given to Jimmy! Never! It is JUST, I mean...

[Kim picks up an envelope containing a personal letter from Chuck to Jimmy]

Kim: Oh, what's this too, Howard? What's in this? One last "screw you, little brother" from beyond the grave? Am I really supposed to do this to him?!

Howard: All right, Kim. What can I do to make it better?

Kim: Nothing. There is nothing you can do. Just stay away.

---

Gus: I know what you've done. The Salamancas, they do not. Do you understand what I am saying?

[Nacho nods]

Gus: Look at me. From now on, You. Are. Mine.

Something Beautiful [4.03]

[Jimmy and Mike are sitting at a booth at Loyola's diner. Jimmy places a Hummel figurine on the table]

Mike: ...And?

Jimmy: What if I told you you could turn this piece of crap into four grand, for each of us, minimum? This little fella, he's called the "Merry Wanderer." He's not much to look at, he's pretty easy to find. I got this one at a pawn shop on 4th for twenty bucks. But, he has a cousin called "Bavarian Boy," almost identical – same umbrella, same swagger. That one is worth a boatload.

Mike: And I gather you know where to find a Bavarian Boy?

Jimmy: I do indeed. He's gathering dust on a shelf in an office up on San Mateo and he's been there for God knows how long and they have no idea what they've got. To them, it's not Bavarian Boy, it's just some piece of junk Grandma gave me that I feel too guilty to get rid of. And that's where you come in. Now, this place I'm talking about, they're not exactly what you call security-conscious. There's no cameras whatsoever. There's an alarm on the door that I could probably bridge. And past that, you just pick a lock and walk over to the shelf and swap this Wanderer for that Boy. It's five minutes, max.

[Fran, a waitress, approaches the table]

Fran: Warm-up, gentlemen?

Mike: Yeah, thanks, Fran.

Jimmy: Wow, thanks.

Fran: [regarding the figurine] That's cute.

Jimmy: Idn't it, though?

Fran: Yeah. Have your food out in a jiff, Mike.

Jimmy: [sighs] Look. They're not even going to know it's gone. They look over at the shelf, they just see the same dumb tchotchke staring at 'em they've been looking at for years. There's no serial number. These things are practically untraceable. You send Pryce or some other schlub down to Dallas, next week they're having a collectibles expo. Those people are hungry for Hummels. I mean, their eyes are gonna pop when they see what we've brung 'em. And they will pay through the nose, which we will split fifty-fifty. So? It's perfect, right? We make some nice Hummel-loving lady happy, and we make a bundle. Let's do something beautiful here.

Mike: And how did you come across this valuable wunderkind?

Jimmy: What difference does it make?

Mike: Guys in the office cross you? Done you wrong?

Jimmy: [scoffs] What? You're, uh, missing the point! It's free money! You walk by a twenty on the sidewalk? No, you pick it up.

[beat]

Mike: Pass.

Jimmy: What? Why?

Mike: It's not for me.

Jimmy: Not for you? Is there some problem I'm not seeing, like, with the swap for something?

Mike: Plan's fine as far as it goes, it's just not for me. And I don't think it should be for you, either. [beat] I'm sorry about your brother.

Jimmy: Yeah, thanks. What, you're really not gonna do this?

Mike: Sorry.

---

[Jimmy speaks to Caldera's contact over the phone about the figurine job.]

Jimmy: I have one question for you: do you shit gold? It's a simple "yes" or "no." Do. You. Shit. Gold? No? All right, then. Because unless your currently have a large gold nugget traversing your colon, this is the easiest money you'll ever gonna make.

---

Gale: Oh, I tested your samples. They range from 39% to 58% pure. Except this one, which hovers around 67. Top of the glass, so to speak. You should tell the chemist to check his or her cookware. It's introducing contamination, which would be easy to avoid.

Gus: Well, thank you very much, Gale. That's very useful information. Well, I should let you get back to your work.

Gale: Mr. Fring, um... I–I don't want to cast aspersions, but I have to tell you, these samples aren't great. I-In fact, they're, um... They're–they're not even good. Basically, they're dreck. I could do much better...

Gus: Gale–

Gale: ...much higher-grade. I could make a kilo or more right here, no one would know. It wouldn't take more than a few days.

Gus: I wouldn't want to interfere with your studies.

Gale: These are my studies. Please, it's the least I can do. I wouldn't let you down.

Gus: [chuckles] Oh, I'm certain that you wouldn't. But I'm afraid I can't allow it. Not yet. You were meant for better things. I'll see you soon, Gale.

---

[Kim shows Jimmy some documents left over to him from Chuck's will, including a personal letter from Chuck in an unopened envelope]

Kim: Um, this is... It's from Chuck. Nobody knows for sure what's in it. You don't have to open it right now, but...

[Jimmy opens the envelope]

Jimmy: Let's see what the old boy has to say.

Kim: O-Okay. I'll give you minute, um...

Jimmy: No no, stay. It's fine. And, uh, you want to hear this, right?

Kim: Yeah. If it's okay.

Jimmy: It's undated. Okay, here it goes: "Dear Jimmy, I have left many things unsaid in our relationship through the years. Rather than allow–allow these unspoken thoughts to die with me, I've chosen to record them here for you. I hope you will take my words in the spirit in which they are intended." New paragraph. "I remember quite clearly the day you came home from the hospital. You can't imagine the joy on Mom's face. I can honestly say I never saw her happier than she was on that day. You brought a shine to her life that nothing else ever did, and I'm glad of that." New paragraph. "We have not always seen eye to eye. I expect it will continue to be so in the future. However, nothing will ever change the fact that we are brothers, flesh and blood. Although we are very different people, I want you to know how much I respect what you have made of yourself in these last few years. You have taken the opportunity I gave you in the mailroom and you have run with it, becoming a valued member of the HHM family. For all the problems in your past, I'm proud we share the name McGill. I sincerely admire your energy and resilience. I used to worry about you finding a place in the world, but I'm not worried about that anymore. I'm certain now that no matter what the future may bring you'll land on your feet, and I hope when you read this, you remember me not only as your brother, but a person you knew was always in your corner." Signed just "Chuck." Well, say what you want, the man could write a letter.

[Jimmy turns to see Kim on the verge of tears.]

Kim: S-Sorry...

Jimmy: Hey.

Kim: No, I did–I didn't mean to make it–

Jimmy: No, it's okay, it's okay. It's a nice letter. Hey...

Kim: No, just... just... just give me... just give me a minute...

[Kim breaks down crying and leaves the room]

Piñata [4.06]

Jimmy: What's the plan to get HHM back on its feet?

[Howard doesn't answer]

Jimmy: Are you kidding me? I just referred a client to you guys. You're welcome, by the way. You tell me this place is falling apart? Get your shit together, Howard.

Howard: Excuse me?

Jimmy: Oh, please. You suffer one little setback and you're gonna let your entire legacy go?

Howard: "One little setback?"

Jimmy: Fine, your pain is very special. Woe is you. Just stop wallowing, okay? This place is all you've got. That and your hair – which, let's face it, clock's ticking there too, so... You wanna save your business? You wanna save your dignity? You're gonna have to fight. Hey. You're a shitty lawyer, Howard. But you're a great salesman. So get out there and sell.

Howard: Fuck you, Jimmy!

Jimmy: There you go. Use that.

---

[Gus visits Hector, who remains sedated in his hospital bed]

Gus: The doctor tells me your fever has gotten worse. They say this infection may kill you. Even if it doesn't, my doctor tells me again and again that you may never wake. And yet I wait. I grew up quite poor. We lived in the hills, in a place my brothers built from things they found – metal sheeting, plywood. When it rained, it smelled like hay. We were always hungry. But there was a lucuma tree – scrawny, barely alive. My family had given up on it years before. Never bore fruit. When I was seven, I became fixated on it. I watered it, tended to it. It took a long time, but the buds grew into green fruit. I was so proud. I didn't tell anyone. I plucked one and hid behind our shack. I ate the whole thing. I'd never tasted something so sweet. It was like caramel. At first, we ate the fruit ourselves, and I began taking it to the village to sell. One day, much of the fruit was gone from my tree. Pieces were scattered on the ground, half-eaten. I thought it was probably a coati. Have you ever seen one? About the size of a large housecat. Opportunists. I built a snare, using branches and wire. It didn't take long for the animal to set it off. But the coati thrashed so hard, it broke out of the snare. Broke its leg, as well. I tried to grab it, but it slipped away. It ran under the house. I knew it would show itself sooner or later. So I waited for hours, into the night. When my brothers called for me, I did not answer. I didn't make a sound. I was so still. Finally, it came out. It knew I was there, but it was hungry. This time, I was ready. I caught it. It fought me. But I was stronger. The merciful thing would have been to kill it. I kept it. It lived for quite some time. I believe you will wake, Hector.

Winner [4.10]

Jimmy: I was just gonna–I was gonna try to move you all with my brother's eloquent words. You know, pull on your heartstrings. But it's not right. This letter is between me and him, and it should stay that way. Listen, my brother Chuck...you–you knew him. He loved me in his own way. He loved me as a brother. He did not love me as a lawyer. Big reason I became a lawyer was Chuck. He was the most brilliant man I ever knew, and an incredible lawyer, you know? And he knew exactly who he was. Exactly. And all my life, I wanted to make him proud. And he was not an easy man to make proud. You know, like climbing Everest without supplies. If you were one of the lucky few who reached that peak, even for a moment, if you made him proud – wow, what a feeling. And he let you know it, too. But if you weren't one of those people... He–he was polite enough, but he did not suffer fools, you know? And he could be judgmental and difficult, and he knew how to get under your skin, and...could be a real son of a bitch. Chuck was the one who was always right. Always. And usually he was, you know. So for a guy like me – I did lousy in school, I lacked ambition, I always cut corners – for me to live up to the standards of Charles McGill... I mean, look at me. I'll never be as moral as him, I'll never be a smart, I'll never be as respected. I'll never be as good as Chuck. [sniffs] But I can try. I can try. If you decide I get to be a lawyer, I'll do everything in my power to be worthy of the name McGill. And if you decide I'm not a lawyer...doesn't matter. I'll still try to be the best man that I can be. I'm lucky I got this letter. I never had a chance to write him a letter, and to tell him all the things that I should have. Now I gotta believe that somehow...somehow he knows. Well, that's... That'll have to do it for me. Sorry. Thank you.

---

Kim: I knew you could do it! I knew you had it in you!

Jimmy: That was so great!

Kim: I mean, yes! They–they have to reinstate you now! They just have to!

Jimmy: Uh, yeah! Did you see those suckers? [Kim is stunned] That one asshole was crying, he had actual tears! Jesus, Kim! Listen, I started reading the letter, and I just new it wasn't... I could tell by their faces it wasn't gonna be enough, right? So I just went off on this flow, you know? I had this energy going through me. It was like improve or jazz and then boom! Sunk the hook in! "I'm so lucky I have this letter." God! I could see the Matrix, you know! I was invincible! I could dodge bullets, baby! And you were right, you were right – it was all about Chuck! The whole time!

Clerk: Oh, Mr. McGill, you're still here. There's some good news.

Jimmy: Believe me, I already know.

Clerk: Oh good. Then if you want to come with me to the office, there's some paperwork for you to sign.

Jimmy: Absolutely! Let's do this thing! Oh, and sweetheart, I'm gonna need one more form: a DBA. Y'see, I'm not gonna be practicing under the name "McGill", so...

Clerk: Shouldn't be a problem. Just down the hall. We have all the forms.

Jimmy: Great! Great!

Kim: W-w-wait, Jimmy, Jimmy–what?!

Jimmy: S'all good, man!

Cast

• Bob Odenkirk - Saul Goodman/Jimmy McGill
• Jonathan Banks - Mike Ehrmantraut
• Rhea Seehorn - Kim Wexler
• Patrick Fabian - Howard Hamlin
• Michael Mando - Nacho Varga
• Michael McKean - Charles "Chuck" McGill