Bob's Burgers

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Bob's Burgers is an animated U.S. sitcom, about Bob Belcher and his his family who run a restaurant. Bob's Burgers was created by Loren Bouchard and began broadcasting in 2011.

Season 1[edit]

Human Flesh [1.01][edit]

Bob: Tina, you're on the grill.
Tina: My crotch is itchy.
Gene & Louise: Eww.
Bob: Ok. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?
Tina: Umm... As...
Bob: Because my grill cook would never tell me that.
Tina: [Downcast] Oh.
Bob: Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.
Tina: [Turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.

Louise: Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "child molester"—it comes with candy.

Crawl Space [1.02][edit]

Linda: No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.

Louise: I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby.

Gene: My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition-so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.

Sacred Cow [1.03][edit]

Documentary Director: Little girl, do you think cows should be ground up for food?
Louise: Only if they commit adultery.

Tina: Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you, I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what, let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that, but it's true.

Sexy Dance Fighting [1.04][edit]

Louise: So you're not going to get revenge today?
Bob: No, Louise, I'm not.
Louise: OK, got it. [Slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!
Bob: Oh, you cut my credit card?
Louise: Into a ninja star!

Hamburger Dinner Theater [1.05][edit]

Louise: [rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.
Tina: Are you talking to me?
Louise: [angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable !
Tina: Um, I'm sorr... UUUHHHH..
Louise: Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.
[Tina moves to hug Louise]
Louise: YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!
Tina: Aahh...
Louise: Sush, sush. I'm sorry baby. Sush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!
Tina: Uuhh...
Louise: YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?
Tina: Uuhh...
Louise: Sorry, baby, come here...

Sheesh! Cab, Bob? [1.06][edit]

Linda: She deserves a special party this year.
Louise: If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.
Gene: It's true.
Bob: Wait, you read her diary?
Linda: Yeah.
Louise: What I can stomach.
Linda: I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.
Bob: Wha... what does it say?
Linda: It says "I'm not on drugs".

Bed & Breakfast [1.07][edit]

Teddy: I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.
Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...

Louise: [as Linda drags her away] I'll see you, in hell Teddy! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!

Art Crawl [1.08][edit]

[Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]
Bob: Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.
Linda: It's just a few days, Bobby.
Bob: Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!
Linda: Just think of them as cute little rumps.
Bob: Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!

Bob: Hey, kids.
Louise: Um, hey, Dad.
Bob: I had to get away from those anuses for a while.
Tina: You mean Mort and Teddy?
Bob: Um, no. Gail's paintings.

[Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]
Harold: BOB, YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MY WIFE!

Gene: Is Dad going to jail?
Tina: I'll wave at you every day.
Louise: Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.
Gene: I hope our new dad is blonde.

Louise: I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.
Gene: I remember the ice-cream sandwich that did it too. I regret nothing!
Louise: And Tina, bad breath every day.
Tina: Not if you like fish.

Spaghetti Western and Meatballs [1.09][edit]

Louise: Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.

Bob: Mr. Frond. He's a tall glass of... annoying.
Linda: That may be so, but you're gonna have to drink that glass, mister!

Burger Wars [1.10][edit]

Linda: When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.

Jimmy Pesto: You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.
Bob: [furious] What did you say about my kids?
Linda: Hit him in his handsome groin!

Mr. Fischoeder: Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!
Bob: I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.

Weekend at Mort's [1.11][edit]

Hugo: This is big! You'll have to close. The whole building must be tented for 48 hours.
Bob: Great. There goes our weekend revenue.
Linda: Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!
Bob: I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...
Linda: Yeah. Ten years!
Bob: What? That can't be right.
Linda: Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.
Hugo: [sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!

Lobsterfest [1.12][edit]

Louise: Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.
Gene: Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.
Teddy: Or me at a lesbian bar. I went to a lesbian bar last night, Bob. It was like I was invisible.

Gene: Let's release the lobster from whence it came! The supermarket!

Tina: I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went.

Torpedo [1.13][edit]

Bob: Are you kidding? I wish I could afford urinal cake ads.
Linda: Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!

Season 2[edit]

The Belchies [2.01][edit]

Teddy: My uncle Paddy told me about it. He used to work in Caffery's, back in the fifties. He was his maid.
Bob: Your uncle Paddy...was a maid?
Teddy: All maids were men back then. Until women joined the workforce and took all the maid jobs away.
Linda: Alright girls! Go girls!

Linda: [worried] They're not here! I got Tina's diary, let's see if it says anything. [reads diary] "Dear Diary, tonight we're sneaking into the dangerous taffy factory. Also, if boys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses".
Bob: Ha, "duderuses."

Gene: I just can't get enough of the acoustics in this place! Here! What song is this? [bangs brick on wall]
Tina: Aqua Boogie, by P-funk?
Gene: Yes! Wow.

Bob Day Afternoon [2.02][edit]

Louise: Action!
Bob: [practising] As you know,sir, we have several loans with your institutions, all "past due". But what does "past due" even mean, you know?
Gene: It's brilliant! There's no such thing as time!
Linda: Gene was "past due", and he came out fine.
Gene: I wish I'd stayed in there! [Dives under the table].
Linda: Hey! Get outta there!
Gene: LEMME IN!
Linda: Gene! Bob!
Bob: Oh God.
Linda: [annoyed] This is your son.
Louise: Sorry Gene, no backsies.

Tina: I will punch you.
Investigator: I will punch YOU!
Louise: Ooh! He will!

Synchronized Swimming [2.03][edit]

Linda: I dreamed that I was breast feeding Gene again, but he had a long, white beard, like Santa Claus. It was really freaky.
Gene: That should be our next Christmas card.

Coach: You know the rules. No hats on the gym.
Louise: I have a raging staph infection under here. You touch this hat and we all go down! You want to play dodge ball in the hospital?

Louise: We have no PE for the rest of the year, my friends.
Gene: Yeah! Who needs it?
[Gene tries to open the door but can't]
Tina: Here, let me try.
[Tina opens the door easily]
Gene: Wow. I should exercise.

Bob: Wow. Louise, You pulled a Caddyshack?
Louise: What's a Caddyshack?
Bob: You mean you didn't just throw a candy bar in the pool?
Louise: No.
Bob: Wow
Louise: Yeah.
Bob: That's impressive.

Bob: Are we just going to ignore the fact that Louise just pooped in the pool?
Louise: Ignore it? I named it. Jezebel.
Linda: Awwww. My little grandoody.

Linda: You were right, Bob. I needed to let my baby birds fly. My bratty, little baby birds fly with their crappy little wings. Sometimes you gotta push 'em out the window.
Bob: Yeah.
Linda: You gotta just push 'em right out there and if they fall flat [slaps hands together] then that's them.

Burgerboss [2.04][edit]

Linda: I had the video game company take your game away because I love you. It's like the time you took away the credit card from me when I was ordering all those porcelain babies.

Gene: [referring to the game music on Burgerboss] That's the song I wanna lose it to. Mm-mm-mm.

Food Truckin' [2.05][edit]

Gene: It's the documentarian who hates Dad and puts wigs on cows!
Tina: Werner Herzog?

Dr. Yap [2.06][edit]

Linda: You're a hurtful slut, Bob!

Moody Foodie [2.07][edit]

Bad Tina [2.08][edit]

[after Andy and Ollie take Tammy's backpack]
Andy: Cool, Mom packed tampons for lunch!
Ollie: Oooh, share!

Beefsquatch [2.09][edit]

Linda: Bob, Gene look at yourselves, you’re father and son! You’re supposed to love each other, not kill each other; this isn't the Bible!

Season 3[edit]

Ear-sy Rider [3.01][edit]

Full Bars [3.02][edit]

Gene: Where are we?
Louise: I think it's a country club.
Tina: It's like a huge miniature golf course!
Gene: The windmills are going to be enormous!

Ticket seller: Oh, those kids are really getting it. I remember Hell Hunt. Still can't stand the sight of eggs. Won't eat 'em, won't touch 'em.
Gene: What about a nice egg salad?
Ticket seller: No more egg talk!
Gene: Yes more egg talk!
Ticket seller: Ahh!
Gene: Eggs!

Louise: Tina, come on.
Tina: But Milo and Ned are back there, and they need us.
[pained screaming is heard in the distance]
Gene: Do they, though?
Louise: Tina, this isn't our fight! Do you really want to stay here and get pee-ballooned?
Gene: Yeah. I can pee on myself. I don't need any handouts!
Tina: Listen, this town gave us the best candy we've ever seen. We owe it to them to go back.
Gene: Great. Now my candy tastes like guilt.
Louise: Augh, FINE. We'll go back and save Milo and what's-his-face, but I get to slap Gene!
Tina: That's fair.
[Louise slaps Gene across the face]

Bob Fires the Kids [3.03][edit]

Tina: If you think about it any box could have vibrators in it.

[Refrigerator groans]
Bob: Tina?

Mutiny On The Windbreaker [3.04][edit]

Duval: My replacement. I hope you have a hairnet for your face and arms.
Bob: I'm not replacing you. I'm just cooking one meal for one night for the Captain's table.
Duval: You remind me of me, back when I was the Captain's special guest chef for "just one night"... 56 voyages ago!
[dramatic tone plays]
Duval: Ah, there's the dinner rolls.
Bob: Why does your timer sound like that?
Duval: [angrily] It's French!
[dramatic tone plays]

Bob: [addressing a large pot] Duvall, is that you in there?
Duval: [from the pot] No one's in this pot. Go away. I am the spaghetti.

External links[edit]

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