Friends (TV series)

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Friends is a sitcom about a group of friends in the New York City borough of Manhattan that was originally broadcast from 1994 to 2004. It was created by David Crane and Marta Kauffman, and produced by Kevin S. Bright, Marta Kauffman and David Crane.


Season 1[edit]

The One Where Rachel Gets A Roommate (A.K.A. The Pilot) [1.01][edit]

[First lines of the series]
Monica: There's nothing to tell. He's just some guy I work with.
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy. There's gotta be something wrong with him.
Chandler: So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? [The others stare, bemused] It's just that I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl - ohh!
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not a date. It's just two people going out to dinner, and not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.

Chandler: Well, I'd better get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much difference, really.

The One with the Sonogram at the End [1.02][edit]

Chandler: I think, for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's just that that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: You see, the problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again. Y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically, just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey: Are we still talking about sex?

Chandler: [watching TV] I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.

The One with the Thumb [1.03][edit]

Phoebe: There's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Chandler: Oh! Satan's minions at work again.
Phoebe: Yes, coz I have to go down there and deal with them.
Joey: What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe: It's not mine! I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

[Phoebe finds something in her can of soda.]
Joey: Ewwww!
Phoebe: I know, I know. I opened it up, and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker.
Chandler: Maybe it's a contest, you know, like, "collect all five."

The One with George Stephanopoulos [1.04][edit]

Monica: Hey Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey: Probably kill myself.
Monica: Excuse me?
Joey: Hey, if little Joey's dead, then I've got no reason to live.
Ross: Joey, omnipotent.
Joey: You are? I'm so sorry.

[Rachel opens her first paycheck.]
Rachel: Isn't this exciting! I earned this! I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally... [looks at the check] not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?

The One with the East German Laundry Detergent [1.05][edit]

Ross: It's amazing, okay? You just reach in there, there's just one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right? As far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right?
Rachel: Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler: We can? All right, I'm trying that.
Joey: You know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts anytime they want, you just look down and there they are! How you get any work done is beyond me.
Phoebe: You know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things and, like, not even care.
[Long pause]
Ross: ... Multiple orgasms!

[Ross draws his laundry detergent]
Rachel: What is that?
Ross: Überweiss! It's new, it's German, it's extra tough.

w:The One with the Butt [1.06][edit]

[The gang watches Joey's performance in Freud!, a local musical.]
Joey: [in a German accent] Well, Eva, we've doon some excellent work here, and I would have to say, your problem is qviiite clear.
All you want is a dinkle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang!

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.

The One with the Blackout [1.07][edit]

Phoebe: [singing]
New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me it is not scary
'Cause I stay away from dairy.

Chandler: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection.
Jill Goodacre: [gives him a strange look and a stick of gum]
Chandler: [thinking] Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

The One Where Nana Dies Twice [1.08][edit]

Chandler: [after being told by everyone he makes "a gay first impression"] So... what is it about me?
Everyone: Yeah. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality! Good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

Chandler: What is it about me? Is it my hair?
Rachel: Yes, it's exactly that, Chandler. It's your hair.
Phoebe: You have homosexual hair.

The One Where Underdog Gets Away [1.09][edit]

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan: Yeah, you know, you have to take a course, otherwise they don't let you do it.

Monica: [complaining about her Thanksgiving] Did anyone ever give a hoot about what I wanted? NO, NO, NO, NO! And I'm just... [her voice gets very squeaky and high-pitched]
Chandler: Okay, Monica, only dogs can hear you now.

The One with the Monkey [1.10][edit]

Phoebe [singing]:
I made a man with eyes of coal and a smile so bewitchin'
How was I supposed to know that my mom was dead in the kitchen?
La lalala laaa la lala La lalala la la...
My mother's ashes, even her eyelashes, are resting in a little yellow jar.
And sometimes, when it's breezy, I feel a little sneezy...

Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass!

The One with Mrs. Bing [1.11][edit]

[Rachel hands out copies of her steamy romance novel draft to the gang.]
Rachel: Oh, and — and on page 2, he's not reaching for her heaving beasts.
Monica: What's a niffle?
Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beasts.
Rachel: All right, all right, all right. So I'm not a great typist…
Phoebe: I just got to the part about "her public hair."

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Ross: Uh... uh... Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.
Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.
Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one.
Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend way too much time together.

The One with the Dozen Lasagnas [1.12][edit]

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like [snaps fingers] that.

[Monica has just beaten Joey and Chandler at foosball with just herself playing for 'N'th time]
Monica: [happy] And that would be a shut-down!
Joey and Chandler: [in unison] SHUT-OUT!!

The One with the Boobies [1.13][edit]

Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No! Why would I... why? No. Why?
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now, is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

Rachel: Why can't parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?

The One with the Candy Hearts [1.14][edit]

Janice: I brought you something.
Chandler: Is it loaded?

Chandler: [Preparing to break up with Janice for the third time] There's no easy way to say this. At least, there's no new way for me to say this.

The One with the Stoned Guy [1.15][edit]

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?
Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?
Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.
Ross: Hey, does anyone know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

The One with Two Parts, Part 1 [1.16][edit]

Phoebe: [about why she and her twin sister Ursula don't get along] It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know. I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking. Even though I did it, later that same day. But to my parents, by then it was like, "Yeah, right, so what else is new?"

[At the Lamaze class, mother-to-be Carol panics after seeing a videotaped birth.]
Ross: Everything's going to be all right.
Carol: What do you know?! No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi! Is that your nostril? Mind if we push this POT ROAST THROUGH IT?"

The One with Two Parts, Part 2 [1.17][edit]

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.
Chandler and Joey: That's nice.
Ross: No, no. With him. I'm on this field, and they... they hike me the baby. And I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.
Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
Ross: Right, but it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us.

Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.
Ross: Uh-huh.
Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.
Ross: Do you have a point?
Chandler: You know, you'd think I would.

The One with All the Poker [1.18][edit]

[The gang is playing poker.]
Rachel: I will see you... and I'll raise you. What do you say... want to waste another buck?
Ross: No, not this time. [he folds] So what'd you have?
Rachel: I'm not telling.
Ross: Come on, show them to me. [He reaches for her cards. Rachel covers them up]
Rachel: No!
Ross: Show them to me!
Rachel: Get your hands out of there! No!
Ross: Let me see! Show them!
Chandler: You know, I've had dates like this.

Ross: Your money is mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller!

The One Where the Monkey Gets Away [1.19][edit]

Samantha: Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
Joey: Um, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
Samantha: Of course.
Joey: Oh. Then no.

[Rachel's ex-fiance Barry just came in Monica's apartment door]
Barry: Rachel, I can't marry Mindy anymore. 'Cause I'm still in love with you.
Ross: [had been looking forward to asking her out] We really need to start locking that door!

The One with the Evil Orthodontist [1.20][edit]

Chandler: I got her machine.
Joey: Her answering machine?
Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up.

Joey: Mr. Peanut is a better dresser. I mean he's got the monocle, he's got the top hat...
Phoebe: You know he's gay?
Ross: I just wanna clarify this: Are you outing Mr. Peanut?

The One with the Fake Monica [1.21][edit]

Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.
Monica: Still... it's just such reckless spending.
Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.
Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Monica: That was me.

Joey: My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.
Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

The One with the Ick Factor [1.22][edit]

Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and it was someone else's subconscious.

Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.
Rachel: No, forget it.
Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?
Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there... Joey was there, too.
Joey: All right!
Ross: Was there... uh, huh, huh, huh... anybody, anybody else there?
Rachel: No.
Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out, uh, mints or anything?
Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.
Ross: Huh!
Joey: So, tell me. Was it, like, you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
Rachel [laughing]: You know what?
Joey [laughing]: What?
Rachel [laughing]: There were times when it wasn't even me.
[Chandler and Joey laugh until they look at each other]
Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. [hugs them]

The One with the Birth [1.23][edit]

Phoebe: [Singing]
They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch
Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why
You cry and you cry and you cry
And you cry and you cry and you cry...
[Ross gives Phoebe a dollar]
Phoebe: Thanks, Ross!
Ross: I'm paying you to stop.

Monica: I wanna baby!
Chandler: You'll get one.
Monica: Oh really, when?
Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?
Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.
Monica: Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?
Chandler: Uh... Uh....
Monica: What is it, is there something fundamentally un-marry-able about me? Well?
Chandler: This parachute is a knapsack!

The One Where Rachel Finds Out [1.24][edit]

[Chandler and Joey are talking like cavemen.]
Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing. No get invited back.

Phoebe: [regarding Ross' birthday gift to Rachel] I can't believe he got you that! It must've cost him a fortune!
Chandler: Oh, come on. Ross? Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and got her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: [stunned] What did you just say?
Chandler: [mortified pause] Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, the love part.
Chandler: [Hyperventilating] Flennen!
Rachel: Oh, my...!
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no, no, no!
Joey: That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

Season 2[edit]

The One with Ross' New Girlfriend [2.01][edit]

[Ross and Julie have just arrived from China]
Julie: We've gotta get some sleep.
Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a second?
Joey: Sure.
Chandler: Your a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
[Ross comes near]
Ross: What's up guys?
Chandler: Joey's tailor [Pauses for a moment] took advantage of me.
Ross: WHAT??
Joey: Frank? No No. I have been going to the man for like 12 years.
Chandler: He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite...
Joey: What?
Chandler: Cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
Ross: Yes yes, it is...IN PRISON!! What's the matter with you?!

The One With the Breast Milk [2.02][edit]

Chandler:[To Monica] Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

[Monica wants to hide from Rachel the fact that she went shopping with Julie, so she creates an alibi.]
Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me and we were shopping all day.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: We were shopping and we had lunch.
Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?
Monica: You had a salad.
Phoebe: Oh. No wonder I don't feel full.
Rachel: [Enters] Hey, guys. What's up?
Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day and I had a salad.
Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?
Phoebe: Umm, we went shopping for, umm, for... fur.
Rachel: You went shopping for fur?
Phoebe: Yes... [Realizes what she said] And then I realized I'm against that... and, uh, so then we bought some... [Monica is pointing at her chest behind Rachel's back] uhh, boobs.
Rachel: You bought boobs?
[Monica is yanking on her bra strap behind Rachel's back.]
Phoebe: Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

The One Where Heckles Dies [2.03][edit]

Phoebe: Okay, y'know there's a lot of things I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean that they aren't true. Like...the Bermuda Triangle. Or crop circles. Or evolution.
Ross: Whoa, don't believe in evolution?
Phoebe: Nope, not really.
[Phoebe reaches for a plate of cookies, Ross moves the plate away]
Ross: You don't believe in evolution?!
Phoebe: No, I think it's a good story... y'know, Darwin, monkeys... but I just don't buy it.
Ross: Evolution is not something for you to buy, evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
Phoebe: Oh, okay — don't get me started on gravity.
Ross: You, uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that, you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know. Lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[They hear a knock at the door.]
Chandler: Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick, Pheebs, up on the ceiling!

Rachel: [To Chandler] You're not gonna end up alone.
Phoebe: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
Monica: You made it!
Phoebe: You're there!
Rachel: You are ready to make a commitment!
Chandler: Whoa! Don't know about that.

The One with Phoebe's Husband [2.04][edit]

Phoebe: I wasn't in love with him, and I was just helping out a friend.
Monica: Please, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month! And I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[everyone gasps and turns to Pheobe]
Monica: Well? Didn't you?
Phoebe: I might've...
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: Oh, come on, like you tell me everything?
Monica: What have I not told you?
Phoebe: [smiling] Oh, I dunno, um, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!
Monica: WHAT?! Wait a minute! Who told you?!
[everyone's gasped and is running for the window except Chandler. Monica turns to him]:
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know it was a big secret.
Monica: [smiles] Oh, it's not big. Not at all. Kinda on the same lines as, say, I don't know, having a third nipple!
[everyone gasps from the window before coming to rush around Chandler]:
Phoebe: You have a third nipple?!
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out, whip it out!
Chandler: Come on, there's nothing to see! It's just a tiny bump. It's totally useless!
Rachel: Oh, as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what'd you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I dunno, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again!
Everyone: Lemme see it! Show us! I wanna see! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [over everyone else] No! Forget it! NO! JOEY WAS IN A PORNO MOVIE!
[Everyone gasps including Joey, angrily pointing at Chandler]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me!
Everyone: Oh, my GOD! You were in a porno movie?! What?!
Joey: Alright, alright, alright. I was young, and I just wanted a job, okay? But at the last minute, I couldn't go through with it. So they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't, 'cause there's people havin' sex on it.
Everyone: Wow! Whoa!
Monica: That is WILD!
[Everyone immediately turns back to Chandler and his third nipple.]
Ross: So what's it shaped like?
Phoebe: Yeah, is there a hair on it?
Joey: What happens if you flick it?

[Everyone is watching Joey's porno movie.]
Julie: So is there, like, a story, or do they just start doing it right... oh, never mind.
Chandler: Okay, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
Monica: All I say is, she better get the job.
Ross: Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

The One with Five Steaks and an Eggplant [2.05][edit]

Ross: Why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
Chandler: Oh. See, I had to tell her that your number was my number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number, because she thinks that my number is Bob's number!
Ross: Hey, tell me again what I do when Mr. Roper calls?

[Ross, Chandler and Monica bought tickets for Hootie and the Blowfish concert for themselves and the others.]
Phoebe: I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
Rachel: Me neither.
Joey: Me, too.
Monica: Guys, we bought the tickets.
Phoebe: Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Chandler: Why did you look at me when you said that?

The One with the Baby on the Bus [2.06][edit]

Phoebe: [Singing]
I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
Stop me if you've heard it
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
And Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget

[Joey and Chandler are babysitting Ben.]
Joey: It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there.
Caroline: Hello.
Joey and Chandler: Hello.
Caroline: And who is this little cutie-pie?
Chandler: Well, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
Joey: You wanna smell him?
Caroline: I assume we're talking about the baby now.

[Joey and Chandler are trying to figure out which of two babies is Ben, whom they had left on the bus earlier.]
Joey: Well, that one has ducks on his t-shirt and this one has clowns, and Ben was definitely wearing ducks...
Chandler: Okay.
Joey: ...Or clowns. Oh! Oh, wait, that one's definitely Ben! Remember? He had that cute little mole by his mouth!
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah.
[Chandler reaches for one of the babies.]
Chandler: Hey, Ben, remember us?
[He quickly recoils from the baby.]
Chandler: Okay, the mole came off. What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Joey: Uh, uh...we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
Chandler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?!
Joey: You got a better idea?
[Chandler digs a coin out of his pocket]
Chandler: Okay, call it in the air.
[He flips the coin]
Joey: Heads.
Chandler: Heads it is.
Joey: Yes!
[Joey turns to Chandler, relieved, while Chandler stares at him exasperatedly]
Chandler: We have to assign heads to something!
Joey: Oh! Right! Okay, okay, uh...ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
[There is a long pause while Chandler stares at Joey disbelievingly]
Chandler: (sarcastically) What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

The One Where Ross Finds Out [2.07][edit]

Monica: Chandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I can remake you.
Chandler: Oh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying-around time.

[Ross confronts Rachel at Central Perk just as she is closing the cafe]
Ross: I didn't get a cat!
Rachel: Oh...that's interesting.
Ross: No, it's not 'interesting'! It's very not interesting! It's 100% the opposite of interesting!
Rachel: Okay, I got it Ross!
Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me!
Rachel: What?
Ross: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you!
Rachel: I was doing great before I found out about you! Do you think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?!
Ross: You should have said something before I met her!
Rachel: I didn't know then! And how come you never said anything to me?!
Ross: There was never a good time!
Rachel: Oh, you only had a year! We only hung out every night!
Ross: Not...every night! And it's not like I didn't try, but things got in the way! Like Italian guys, or ex-fiancees, or...Italian guys!
Rachel: There was one Italian guy! Do you have a point?!
Ross: The point is, I don't need this right now! It's too late! I'm with somebody else! I'm happy! This ship has sailed!
Rachel: So are you just going to put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?!
Ross: I've been doing it since the 9th Grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it!
Rachel: Okay, you go ahead and do that, Ross! I don't need your stupid ship! [Ross leaves, and she walks up to the door to shut it] And you know what? Now I've got closure!!

The One with the List [2.08][edit]

Chandler: All right, check out this bad boy. Twelve megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 BPS.
Phoebe: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
Chandler: Games and stuff.

Chandler: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. "Oh, no! Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

The One with Phoebe's Dad [2.09][edit]

[The gang is decorating the Christmas tree]
Chandler: I remember my father dressed in the red suit, the big black boots and the patent leather belt, sneaking around downstairs. He didn't want anybody see him, but he'd be drunk, so he'd stumble, crash into something, and wake everybody up.
Rachel: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
Chandler: Who said anything about Christmas?
[The gang is making Christmas cookies as gifts]
Phoebe: "A plate of brownies once told me a limerick."
Chandler: "Were those funny brownies?"
Phoebe: "Not especially, but you know what, I think they had pot in them."

[The gang is exchanging Christmas gifts]
Chandler: Ok, I guess that just leaves the gifts from Joey and Chandler.

The One with Russ [2.10][edit]

[Joey has just gotten two terrible reviews of his acting in a play.]
Joey: I've been doing this for ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
Ross: Oh c'mon. Maybe you're just... paying your dues.
Joey: No, no, no, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Monica: Wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. [Reads from the paper] "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of..." continued on page 153... "sucking."

Joey: My agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!
Phoebe: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Chandler: Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.

The One with the Lesbian Wedding [2.11][edit]

Mrs. Green: [looks out the window] There's an unattractive nude man [Ugly Naked Guy] playing the cello.
Rachel: Yeah, well, just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.

Mrs Green: Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
[Rachel gasps]
Monica: All right, look. Nobody is smoking any pot around all this food!
Mrs Green: Well, that's fine. I never did it, I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?

Mr. Edelman, the husband of Phoebe's deceased massage client, enters the coffee shop.
Phoebe: Oh, he's here.
Chandler: Damn. My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet.

The One After the Super Bowl, Part 1 [2.12][edit]

Rob: Maybe if you just played some... regular kiddie songs?
Phoebe: No. What do you, what do you want me to be — like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Rob: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
Phoebe: Who's Barney?

Ross: This is so exciting. I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year!
Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? [everyone looks at him] What, I can't make one reference to the classic "monkey-as-penis" joke?

The one After the Super Bowl, Part 2 [2.13][edit]

Susie: Excuse me. Is your name Chandler?
Chandler: Uh, yes, yes it is.
Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

[Rachel and Monica see Jean-Claude Van Damme on the set and Monica is smitten.]
Rachel: So why don't you go talk to him?
Monica: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah!
Rachel: What? So you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute. What's the worst that could happen?
Monica: He could hear me!

The One with the Prom Video [2.14][edit]

[The gang observes a video of a young, fat Monica getting ready for prom.]
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up! The camera adds ten pounds!
Chandler: Oh. So how many cameras are actually on you?

[a woman has just run away from Chandler because of his bracelet Joey gave him]
Chandler: He could've gotten me a hat or a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me THE WOMEN REPELLER! The eyesore from the LIBERACE HOUSE OF CRAP!
Phoebe: It's not that bad.
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you don't have to go around wearing a REJECT from the MR. T COLLECTION! [Imitating Mr. T] "I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry! I do, I do!"

The One Where Ross and Rachel...You Know [2.15][edit]

Ross: You have a date? Who with?
Monica: No one.
Ross: C'mon, what's his name?
Monica: Nothing.
Ross: Come on, tell me.
Monica: All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
Ross: Oh, I promise. What?
Monica: It's Richard Burke.
Ross: Who's Richard Burke? Doc... Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a, uh, brother to Dad.

[Rachel and Ross making out, Ross turns over on Rachel and she gives a sudden start]
Rachel: [surprised] Oh, honey. That's okay.
Ross [Realizes] Oh, no, you just rolled on the juice box.
Rachel: [Laughs] Oh, thank God!

The One Where Joey Moves Out [2.16][edit]

Phoebe: Is this how it's going to work? Ross equals boss? What is this? 1922?
Rachel: What's with 1922?
Phoebe: Just... a really long time ago, when men used to tell women what do to a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing, but it sounds horrible.

[Phoebe and Rachel went to get tattoos. Phoebe chickened out.]
Rachel: Phoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea!
Phoebe: I know, I know, and I was going to get it, but then he came in with this needle, and d—did you know they do this with needles?
Rachel: Really! You don't say! Because mine was licked on by kittens!

The One Where Eddie Moves In [2.17][edit]

[Phoebe got a call from a producer.]
Phoebe: You are not gonna believe this: I have just been discovered!
Chandler: Now, wait a minute. I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!

[Joey stops over at Chandler and Eddie's during breakfast to pick up his mail.]
Joey: All right, that's it! He just comes in here, "Johnny New Eggs," with his moving the mail and his "See ya, pals!" [imitates Eddie's salute] And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who want the juice and need the juice. I need the juice!

The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies [2.18][edit]

Eddie [thinking what he's saying is a joke] I had this girlfriend, Tilly, and one morning we went to a restaurant and we got a huge stack of pancakes, and she says "Eddie," and I say "What," and she says "I don't think we should see each other anymore," and I immediately felt like she had torn out my heart and spread it all over my life. I feel like I'm going down a dark abyss and I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' and I'm fallin' and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop! [laughs, Chandler looks at him funny] That wasn't such a funny story, was it?

[Chandler has just told Eddie to get out of his apartment]
Eddie: Well, that's kinda outta the blue.

The One Where Eddie Won't Go [2.19][edit]

[Rachel is upset that Ross is telling her to hurry up.]
Rachel: This isn't about the movie theater. This is about you stealing my wind.
Ross: Excuse me — your wind?
Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Ross: You know, um... I don't have a... have a... problem with that.

[Monica is watching Chandler sleep; Chandler, agitated by Eddie doing so, screams, causing her to scream]
Chandler: Why must everybody watch me sleep? There will be no more watching me sleep! No more! Watching!
Monica: I was-
Chandler: Nah! No more.

The One Where Old Yeller Dies [2.20][edit]

[Monica serves Chandler and Joey some leftover chicken.]
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler: Well, how do you find clothes that fit?

Chandler: Richard's really nice and everything. Uh... It's just that we don't know him really well, you know, and plus, he's, you know... old—
[Monica glares at Chandler.]
Chandler: —er than some people. But, uh, younger... than some buildings!

The One with the Bullies [2.21][edit]

[Joey and Rachel are waiting for Phoebe to get back from her father's house]
Joey: [Pulling out a sandwich] Want half of my sandwich?
Rachel: What kind is it?
Joey: Ham and olive spread, no mayo.
Rachel: [Sarcastically] Right, right, 'cause mayo would make it gross.

[a dog is trying to attack them and Joey throws his sandwich at him but he doesn't touch it]
Rachel: Okay, Joey, the dog will lick himself but will not touch your sandwich. What does that tell you?

Joey [To Ross]: Haven't you ever gotten beat up before?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: I mean, by someone besides Monica.
Ross: No.

The One with the Two Parties [2.22][edit]

Chandler: Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, "I want you, Dennis," and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.
Joey: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler: Volleyball?
Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
Chandler: Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat. I'm not even listening to you.

[Joey stares at Monica's fake breasts.]
Monica: Joey, they're not real.
Joey: ...Uh, what?
Monica: Mine start miles beneath the surface. See. [squeezes one twice, it goes "HONK, HONK"]
Chandler: Wow, it's like porno for clowns.

The One with the Chicken Pox [2.23][edit]

[Phoebe arrives to tell the gang about her submariner boyfriend.]
Phoebe: He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together.
Rachel: So, wait — this guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?
[Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration.]
Monica: That'll teach you to lick my muffin.
[Chandler, mouth full, groans in frustration again.]

[Phoebe has chicken pox and is being forced to wear oven mitts so as not to scratch]
Ross: Oh, look, look, a low budget puppet show!
Phoebe: [laughs sarcastically] It's such a shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.

The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding [2.24][edit]

[Mindy's maid-of-honor Rachel appears in a poofy pink dress.]
Rachel: I can't believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when you're nauseous!

[Rachel enters in her maid-of-honor dress and huge pink hat.]
Chandler: I'm sorry — we don't have your sheep.

Season 3[edit]

The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy [3.01][edit]

Rachel: No way! The most romantic song ever was The Way We Were.
Phoebe: Uh, see, I... I think the one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on "Who's the Boss?"
Rachel: What song was that, Pheebs?

Phoebe: Um, Hold Me Close, Young Tony Danza.

[Joey can't believe Chandler is dating Janice again.]
Joey: Look, what do you want me to say?
Chandler: I want you to say that you like her!
Joey: I can't. It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off just so that I can have something to throw at her.
Chandler: Thanks for trying. Oh, and by the way, there is no "Count Rushmore"!
Joey: Oh, yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

The One Where No One's Ready [3.02][edit]

[Monica, not yet dressed for Ross's event, arrives shortly before they need to leave.]
Ross: It starts at eight. We can't be late.
Phoebe: We could not, would not, want to wait!

Ross: How can you not be going?
Rachel: Well, I'm not gonna go... so I think that will accomplish the not going.

[Joey has just walked into Monica's apartment wearing everything Chandler owns as a comeback in an argument]
Chandler: That is so-not-the-opposite of taking someone's UNDERWEAR!
Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?! Maybe if I wasn't goin' commando...

Answering Machine: You have two new messages.
Joey: [Laughs] What a cool job. [Answering Machine voice] "You have two new messages."
Joey: [Answering Machine voice] "Please pass the pie."

The One with the Jam [3.03][edit]

Monica [gives Joey a jar of jam]: Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant.
Joey: Aww. [tastes it] OHHHH!
Chandler: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked [holds up one hand], or, or a big tub of jam. [holds up the other hand]
Joey: [nods] Put your hands together!

Rachel: What happened to your jam plan?
Monica: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now... Babies.
Chandler: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
Ross: What are you talking about?
Monica: I'm talking about me having a baby.
Ross: What?
Monica: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross: Well, aren't you forgettin' something? What, what, what is, uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!

Monica: [looking over possible sperm donors] Okay, all right, how's this? 27, Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. [Everyone looks at Joey] Oh, my God. Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule!"
Joey: Yeah, the Knicks rule!

The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel [3.04][edit]

Monica: Don't do that guy thing where you go all distant and mean, just so that WE'LL break up with you.
Joey: You know about that?

Joey: Jump off the high dive, stare into the barrel of a gun, pee into the wind!
Chandler: Joey, I assure you, if I were staring into the barrel of a gun, I would be pretty much peeing every which-way.

The One with Frank Jr. [3.05][edit]

[Chandler enters the apartment to find Joey working with wood and the apartment filled with lumber.]
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, hey, hey... so what happened — did a forest tick you off?
Joey: You know how you're always saying we need a place for the mail?
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Well, I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler: You're building a post office?

[Phoebe and Frank talk about their plans for the day]
Frank Jr.: My friend Larry wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
Chandler: No, we really don't take advantage of living in the city!

[While Chandler naps against the wall in his room, Joey is drilling though the wall. As he drills, the drill bit comes though the wall right next to Chandler, who slams the door at Joey.]
Joey: Oh! Uh, sorry, did I get ya?

[Frank Jr. is doing his own style of martial arts on Monica's balcony, she and Phoebe are watching]
Monica: What kind of martial arts is that?
Phoebe: No kind.

[Ross has just finished explaining the "freebie list" (list of 5 celebrities a sexual partner can sleep with without conviction from the other) to Isabella Rosselini and she laughs in shock]
Isabella: You know, it's funny. Yesterday, I made a list of 5 goofy coffeehouse guys and I just bumped you for... that guy over there. [Ross looks away and Isabella gets away from him]

The One with the Flashback [3.06][edit]

[Janice asks the six Friends if they have ever had sex with each other.]
Joey: Well, there was that one time that Monica and Rachel got together.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Excuse me, there was no time!
Joey: Okay, but let’s say there was. How might that go?

Chandler: I'm never gonna find a roommate, ever.
Phoebe: Why, nobody good?
Chandler: Well let's see, there was the guy with the ferrets, that's plural. The spitter. Oh-ho, and yes, the guy that enjoyed my name so much he felt the need to make a little noise every time he said it. "Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing, Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing, BING!"
Ross: So how many more do you have tomorrow?
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who I'm not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone "Chandler Bing," he said "Whoa, short message."

The One with the Race Car Bed [3.07][edit]

Ross: When you guys were kids, and played, uh, "Happy Days," who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanie!
Joey: Question. Was, uh, "Egg the Gellers!" the war cry of your neighborhood?

Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices!

The One with the Giant Poking Device [3.08][edit]

Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good [dentist], too. I just... I can't see him.
Chandler: See: that is the problem with invisible dentists.

Joey: If the Homo sapiens were, in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?
Ross: Joey, Homo sapiens are people.
Joey: Hey, hey, I'm not judging!

Phoebe: Oh, my God, I killed and this curse is getting stronger too to take a target that big
[The gang is trying to see if Ugly Naked Guy is alive by using a "poking device."]
Phoebe: He's alive! ALIVE!
Monica: And yet we're still poking him.
Joey: Retract the device! Retract the device!
Ross: He does not look happy.
Rachel: And now he's showing us his poking device.
Joey: [to Ugly Naked Guy] Hey, that's never gonna reach all the way over here, buddy!

The One with the Football [3.09][edit]

[The gang decides to play touch football.]
Joey: All right! We have to pick captains.
Chandler: And then Tennilles.

Chandler: Hold on a second, Joe. Where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Ah, well, the, uh, Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: And the, uh, other Dutch people? They come from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
Joey: Nice try! See, the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

Monica: [singing and dancing] Forty-two to twenty-one, like the turkey, Ross is done!

Ross: [To Monica] Cheater, Cheater, compulsive eater.

The One Where Rachel Quits [3.10][edit]

Rachel: Okay everyone, this is my last cup of coffee.
[Hangs over a couple of spots on the couch, gives it to Chandler, goes off]
Chandler: [As soon as he's sure she's out of earshot] Think I ought to tell her I ordered tea?

The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister [3.11][edit]

[After Chandler fools around with one of Joey's sisters.]
Phoebe: How can you not know which one?
Rachel: I mean, that’s unbelievable.
Monica: I mean, was it Gina?
Ross: Which one is Gina?
Rachel: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
Monica: No, no, no, that’s Dina.
Chandler: You see, you can’t tell which one is which either! Naah!
Phoebe: Well, we didn't fool around with any of them! Naah! Naah!

Chandler: Veronica. Look, it’s got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
Monica: That was me.

The One with All the Jealousy [3.12][edit]

Joey: Guess who's in an audition for a Broadway musical.
Chandler: I want to say you, but that seems like such an easy answer.
Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of "Tale of Two Cities." So I think I'm gonna sing "New York, New York", and uh, oh, "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."
Ross: Ah, Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
Joey: What?
Ross: Mr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
Joey: Who?
Chandler: I'll get you the Cliff Notes.
Joey: The what?
Chandler: The abridgment.
Joey: Oh, okay. [To Ross] The what?

Rachel: [After giving a very long kiss to Ross] Well, that'll be a kiss he won't forget for a few hours.
Chandler: Yeah. Or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.
Rachel: [Pauses to think, then runs after Ross] Wait! Ross- I'm jealous! I'm jealous!

The One Where Monica & Richard Are Friends [3.13][edit]

[Monica is returning a video.]
Clerk: Six dollars, please.
Monica: Six? I just had it for one night. It's three.
Clerk: Eight o'clock is the cut-off and — aww, it's 8:02.
Monica: You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.

[Richard shaved his moustache.]
Monica: Your lip went bald!

The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner [3.14][edit]

[Phoebe's former singing partner left her again for commercial fame]
Phoebe: [singing about her]
Jingle Bitch screwed me over!
Go to hell, Jingle Whore!
Go to hell, go to hell,
Go to hell...

[Leslie finishes a song and everybody claps.]
Phoebe: See, see, everyone else is happy she's done.
Leslie: Okay, my next song's called:
Phoebe Buffay, what can I say?
I really love when we were singing partners
And I shouldn't have left you that way.
Phoebe: Oh, no: one of those look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs.

Chandler: Well, hello!
Joey: Where've you been?
Chandler: The doctor.
Ross: Is everything okay?
Chandler: Oh, yes. Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica: Wow. Just like Rachel in high school.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.
Chandler: That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? [Points at his chest] The source of all my powers. Oh, dear, what have I done?

The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break [3.15][edit]

[During Rachel's phone call, Ross loudly grinds pepper. Then his picnic basket catches fire from a candle.]
Rachel: Excuse me — I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call you back. I've got Shemp in my office.

[Monica and Phoebe are on a double date with UN Diplomat Sergei and his translator.]
Monica: I speak a little French too. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
[The translator shrugs and blushes.]
Monica: What did I say?
Translator: You just asked me whether I wanted to go to bed with you tonight!

The One with the Morning After [3.16][edit]

Joey: Do you think I need a new walk?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Well, I've been walking the same way since high school. You know how some people walk in a room and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take-notice" walk!
Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

Ross: Don't you realize none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you were having sex with Mark?
Rachel: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?
Ross: [pause] Yes, I would.
Rachel: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?
Ross: [uncertain] Yes.
Rachel: If you knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were...
Ross: [He covers his ears and yells] La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Ross: This can't be it.
Rachel: ...then how come it is?

The One Without the Ski Trip [3.17][edit]

Phoebe: This is like 60 Minutes, when at first you're really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then, you know, you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.

Joey: It's never taken me a week to get over a relationship.
Monica: It's never taken you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

[Chandler lights a cigarette]
Phoebe: Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica: Chandler!
Joey: You're smoking again?
Chandler: Well, actually yesterday I was smoking again, today I'm smoking still.

[Joey has spelled out "pleh" in sticks at the rest stop to get rescued]
Chandler: What's that?
Joey: It's "help" spelled backward so the helicopters in sky'll read it right.
Monica: What's "doofus" spelled backwards?

[Ross has trampled the sticks spelling out "pleh" and Joey started gasping]
Chandler: [sarcastically] Now it's not gonna make any sense!

The One with the Hypnosis Tape [3.18][edit]

Monica: Don't you think he's a little young to get married?
Phoebe: What? He's 18.
Ross: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or — or to get a hooker.
Chandler: Always illegal, Joe.

[Chandler has been listening to an anti-smoking hypnosis tape for women without knowing it's for women, and Joey overheard the tape and inserted his overlaping recording into it.]
Joey's Voice On Recording: Joey's your best pal. You want to make him fresh sandwiches everyday. You also want to buy him thousands of dollars worth of pants.

The One With The Tiny T-Shirt [3.19][edit]

Ross: [spying on Rachel and Mark through the peephole in Chandler and Joey's door] Here they come, here they come. If she kisses him goodnight, I’m gonna kill myself, I swear. I can’t watch this. Come on! Date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go. She's going in. She’s going in... Wait! He’s going in! He’s going in! The door's closed! I can’t see anything with the door closed!
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama she thinks she's like, the greatest actress since, since...sliced bread!
Chandler: Ahh, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

The One with the Dollhouse [3.20][edit]

[Phoebe plays with a toy dinosaur while making barking sounds.]
Ross: Uh, Phoebe, while we're on the subject, dinosaurs don't go "Ruff!"
Phoebe: The little ones do.

[Kate and Joey are discussing Kate's boyfriend, Marshall]
Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating. [Points to Lauren, Kate's understudy and Joey's current girlfriend.]
Joey: It's not the sweater. It's what's underneath the sweater that counts.

The One with a Chick and a Duck [3.21][edit]

Phoebe: You guys, do you know anything about chicks?
Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No.

[Chandler walks in on Ross and Rachel]
Chandler: Not to be rude, but does anyone know how to get a chick out of a VCR?
""HELLO"": :\m/

The One with the Screamer [3.22][edit]

[A bedraggled Phoebe misses Joey's play, having spent all night on the phone while kept on hold by customer service.]
Joey: Hey, Pheebs — where were ya?
Phoebe: I'm so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely going to see your play. I swear, your play is very important to us. Thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.

Tommy: [petting a chick in his hand] Mr. Fuzzy Man, how you doin'? Aww... [The chick poos in his hand.] Ew! Oh, ew! Gross! IDIOT! STUPID LITTLE FUZZY YELLOW CREATURE! Ooh, look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's DISGUSTING! You're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct?
[The duck, hearing all the commotion, waddles into the kitchen and starts quacking.]
Tommy: Quack quack, quack quack! What are you quacking about? DUMB DONALD DODO!
[Tommy looks up to see the gang in the doorway, staring at him in shock.]
Chandler: Step away from the duck.

The One with Ross's Thing [3.23][edit]

Monica: I gotta go water Pete's plants. You know what? If he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
Chandler: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants, if you know what I mean.
Joey: Or — ha, ha! — we could go over there and pee on them!

Phoebe: [Talking about her fireman boyfriend] He even showed me charcoal drawings he drew of me. Well, he'd prefer watercolors — but, you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion [3.24][edit]

Ross: [Watching the fight on TV where Pete gets injured and talking to Monica] This is ironic. Out of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't want to have kids, and from the looks of it now Pete can't!

[Monica has just broken up with Pete in the hospital and is walking out]
Pete: Wait. [Monica pauses] Could you leave a note? They've got me on a lot of pills, and I'm not sure I'll remember this tommorrow.

The One at the Beach [3.25][edit]

Rachel: I broke up with you because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you.
Ross: You still love me?
Rachel: ...No.

Chandler: [looking at a picture] Me and Frank and Phoebe, graduation, 1965.
Phoebe: You know what that means?
Joey: That you're actually 50?
Phoebe: No, no that's not me Phoebe, that's her pal, Phoebe according to their High School yearbook, they were like BFF.
[everyone looks at her confused]
Phoebe: Best friends forever.
Everybody: Oh.

Season 4[edit]

The One with the Jellyfish [4.01][edit]

[Ross, Chandler and Joey are at Central Perk, talking about Rachel's 18-page letter.]
Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went went wrong in our relationship! She goes on for five pages about how I was "unfaithful" to her! WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Chandler: If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!
Ross: Fine! But this breakup was not all my fault. And at then she goes, "If you accept full responsibility-full responsibility-I can begin to trust you again. Does that sound like something you can do? Does it?
Joey: No...
Chandler: Look, you have what you want, you're back with Rachel! If you bring this up, you'll wreck the best thing that's ever happened to you.
Ross: You're right... Okay, I'll let it go. But you realize how hard it is to forget about it!
Joey: Sure it's hard! But that doesn't mean you have to talk about it! A lot of things happened on that beach trip that we should [turns to Chandler] never EVER talk about!
Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!
Joey: It's between us and the sea, Ross!

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break this relationship!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for! I didn't finish the letter!
Rachel: What?
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell A-SLEEP?!
Ross: It was five-thirty in the morning. And you had rambled on for eighteen pages. FRONT AND BACK! [leaves the room, then turns around] And by the way, y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e means "you are". Y-o-u-r means "your"!
Rachel: You know, I can't believe I even thought of getting back together with you! We are soooo over!
Ross: [fakes beginning of sniveling and interrupts it saying...] FINE BY ME!
Rachel: And those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're home on Saturday nights playing scrabble with Monica!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Sorry! But I feel bad about all that sleep you'll miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no, don't worry about me "falling asleep." I STILL HAVE YOUR LETTER! [walks out]
Rachel: And, hey, just so you know — it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal! [slams door, revealing Chandler behind it]
Chandler: I knew it!

The One with the Cat [4.02][edit]

Rachel: Wow, they really got you guys, your T.V., the chairs...
Phoebe: Yeah. Your microwave, the stereo...
Joey: Aw, man! He took the five of spades! 
[looks through deck] 
Oh no, no, here it is.

Joey: [referring to the guy that just robbed them] You know what I'm going to do next time I see that guy?
Chandler: Bend over?!

[Monica has just walked in on Joey and Chandler's apartment freshly robbed because of a stupid move by Joey]
Monica: What happened?
Chandler: Well, let's see, Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed.

The One with the 'Cuffs [4.03][edit]

Joanna: What are you doing?
Chandler: I'm getting dressed.
Joanna: Why?
Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me.

[Joanna runs into her fawning assistant Sophie.]
Sophie: Hi! I brought you back a macaroon!
Joanna: Oh, great! I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.

The One with the Ballroom Dancing [4.04][edit]

Joey: Please don't kick Monica and Rachel out! This wasn't their fault, it was mine.
Mr. Treeger: You want me to kick you guys out instead?
Joey: No, you can't do that. Where would the chick and the duck live?
Mr. Treeger: You have pets?
Joey: No-no-no-no, those are nicknames. I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Mr. Treeger: Huh... I would've thought it was the other way around.

Mr. Treeger: Hey, Duck. Is Chick here?
Chandler: Yeah... bunny... rabbit.

The One with Joey's New Girlfriend [4.05][edit]

Joey: What the hell was that?
Chandler: What?
Joey: Kathy was being nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.
Chandler: What do you want from me?
Joey: I want you to like her! But if that's too damn difficult for you, then the least you could do is pretend!
Chandler: I AM pretending.
Joey: Well, then do it better.
Chandler: Okay, uh, what do you say I go over there and tell her how much I like her? [Joey gives Chandler a thumbs-up.] No, no, it'll be good. I can tell her how much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment we met. That I'm so fantastically over-the-top want-to-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!
Joey: Well, that's pretty good, but you might wanna tone it down a little.

Rachel: You know what else is really great about him? Oh, what is the word for an adult who doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?
Ross: Oh... [knocks his fists together at Rachel]
Rachel: What was that?
Ross: Monica knows.
Monica: It's this dumb thing that Ross made up just to try to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger without actually having to give it. [to Ross] I remember I cried the night you made that up. It was the first time I realized I was cooler than my big brother.
Ross: Well, I'm gonna go get ready... [knocks his fists at Monica]

The One with the Dirty Girl [4.06][edit]

[Ross and Cheryl are at her apartment.]
Cheryl: Would you like to come in?
Ross: Did homo erectus hunt with wooden tools?
Cheryl: According to recent findings!

Joey: Her place was really that bad?
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day? Well, like that — only, instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time and garbage is all that has survived!

The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line [4.07][edit]

Chandler: Look, I just think it's time for you to settle down, you know? Make a choice, pick a lane!
Joey: Who's Elaine?

Joey: And what? Did you sleep with her?
Chandler: No! No, I just kissed her.
Joey: What?! That's even worse!
Chandler: ...How is that worse?!
Joey: I don't know, but it's the same!
Chandler: Look, Joey, I'm sorry, but I couldn't help myself. I think I'm in love with her.
Joey: Who cares?! You went behind my back? I would never do that to you!
Chandler: You’re right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
Joey: Over the line? You — you’re — you’re so far past the line, that you — you can’t even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

The One with Chandler in a Box [4.08][edit]

Monica: How cute is the on-call doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking of jabbing this pen in my eye.

Phoebe: Yeah, but, Monica — do you really want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase "That's not how your dad used to do it"?
Monica: [indicating each of the group in succession] Fine! Judge all you want to, but: [to Ross] married a lesbian; [to Rachel] left a man at the altar; [to Phoebe] fell in love with a gay ice dancer; [to Joey] threw a girl’s wooden leg in a fire; [to Chandler] living in a box!

The One Where They're Going to Party! [4.09][edit]

Ross: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No, I had sex in high school.

Monica: I got offered the head chef job at Allessandro's.
Phoebe: What?
Monica: It's ok, 'cause you know what, if you think about it you don't really need me for the business.
Phoebe: You're the cook! Without you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!

The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie [4.10][edit]

Rachel: No 'accountants'. And no one from 'Legal'... I don't like guys with boring jobs...
Chandler: And Ross was what? A LION TAMER?

Rachel: You have the best taste in men.
Chandler: Yeah.. Like father.. Like son...

The One with Phoebe's Uterus [4.11][edit]

Monica: [to Chandler] All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rache, hand me that pad please.[starts to draw]
Chandler: Well, you don't have to draw an actual woma— whoa, she's hot.
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones, you got one, two, three... four... five... six and seven.
Chandler: There are seven?
Rachel: Let me see that. Oh. Yep.
Chandler: [points] That's one?
Monica: Kind of an important one.
Chandler: Oh, you know what? I was looking at it upside down.
Rachel: Well, you know, sometimes that helps. [Chandler gapes.]
Monica: All right. Now most guys will hit one, two, three and then go to seven and set up camp.
Chandler: And that's bad?
Rachel: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
Chandler: Well, you might, if it were anything like seven.
Monica: All right. Uh, the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. Keep them on their toes.
Rachel: Oooooo, toes! [Chandler stares.] For some people!
Monica: All right. You could start out with a little one, a two, a one two three, a three, a five, a four, a three two, two, a two four six, a two four six, four, two, two, four seven, five seven, six seven, [starts shouting] seven. Seven seven SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN SEVEN [leans back in ecstasy with eyes closed and holds up the number seven]... And there you are.
Rachel: Yeah, that'll work.
[They stand up awkwardly. Rachel and Monica go in their rooms. Chandler goes into the bathroom. They all shut their doors.]

Phoebe: You know I'll be giving them the greatest gift ever.
Chandler: You're going to carry their baby and buy them a Sony PlayStation?

The One with the Embryos [4.12][edit]

[At the doctor's office, Phoebe sits before a Petri dish with her brother and sister-in-law's embryos]
Phoebe: Hello, teeny embryos. I'm, I'm Phoebe Buffay. Hi! I'm, I'm, I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know that we're doing this for Frank and Alice — who you know! You've been there! You know, they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on! Okay? And, and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you're ready to have them take you home. So. Okay. Oh! And, also, um, next time you see me, if I'm screaming, don't worry — that's what's supposed to happen.

[Ross begins the lightning round with questions for Joey and Chandler]
Ross: What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
Joey: Big Fat Goalie.
Ross: Correct. [A stung Monica reacts] Rachel claims this is her favorite movie.
Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons.
Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite is-
Joey: Weekend at Bernie's!
Ross: Correct. [Rachel gasps] In which part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14? [Chandler thinks, then whispers in Ross's ear] EW, NO!! [Monica winces] Her ear! Monica categories her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday-use.
Chandler: Fancy.
Joey: Guest.
Chandler: Fancy Guest.
Ross: Two seconds.
Joey: Uh... Eleven?!
Ross: [clicking time] Eleven. Unbelievable. Eleven is correct. Alright, that's four for the guys. Ladies, you're up. [The teams trade places, doing the double-fist bumps to each other] Thirty seconds on the clock. Five correct questions wins the game. The lightning round begins... now. What is Joey's favorite food?
Monica: Sandwiches.
Ross: Correct. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
Rachel: Fourteen?
Ross: No, nineteen.
Chandler: Thanks, man.
Ross: Joey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was...
Monica: Maurice.
Ross: Correct. His profession was...
Rachel: Space cowboy.
Ross: Correct! What is Chandler Bing's job?
Rachel: Oh, gosh! Does it have something to do with numbers?
Monica: And processing.
Rachel: And he carries a briefcase.
Ross: Ten seconds. You need this or you lose the game.
Monica: It has something to do with transponding.
Rachel: Oh, oh! He's a transponds...transpondster!
Monica: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD! I can get this! I can get this... [Ross clicks time-- they've lost the apartment]
Rachel and Monica: NO!!!
Chandler and Joey: YEAAAHHHH!

The One with Rachel's Crush [4.13][edit]

Kathy: I'll tell you what, Chandler. Why don't you call me when you grow up!
Chandler: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen any time soon!

The One with Joey's Dirty Day [4.14][edit]

Phoebe: Oh!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!
Monica: Oh, my...!
Phoebe: Oh, no, wait. Oh, no, the elastic on my underwear busted.

Chandler: Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!
Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.

The One with All the Rugby [4.15][edit]

Chandler: I'm getting my nails done. You said it was going to be fun [Looks his fingers] which kind of it is..
Chandler: You said there would be guys. There are no guys .
Rachel: There is one right there
Chandler: That's a mail man.. That's our mail man.....

Monica: Joe, Let me ask you a question. What does this light switch exactly do?
Joey: Nothing.
Monica: Did it drive you crazy to not know?
Joey: I know what it did... Nothing.

Ross: I'm man enough to play this sport.
Joey: You are not even man enough to get the channel that carries the sport.

The One with the Fake Party [4.16][edit]

Ross: We knew we had two weeks together and that's it.
Joey: That's what all my relationships are like.
Chandler: But in Ross's case they both know two weeks is it.

Chandler: [Phoebe eats his sandwich out of his hand] I've got a Phoebe on my sandwich.

The One with the Free Porn [4.17][edit]

Ross: If she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on, and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
Joey: Way to be strong, man!

Chandler: I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault!
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza-delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money and leaves!
Chandler: What? No "Nice apartment. I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
Joey: No! Nothing!
Chandler: You know what? We have to turn off the porn.

The One with Rachel's New Dress [4.18][edit]

Alice: I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank Junior Jr.
Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?
Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies and, um, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
Phoebe: Wow! That's so great! Oh! Oh! Cougar!
Alice: You think about it.

Chandler: You're right, it is a ridiculous name!
Joey: It's not that bad.
Chandler: Yes, it is! From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So you're just "Bing?"
Chandler: I have no name.

The One with All the Haste [4.19][edit]

[Ross is sporting an earring.]
Joey: We don't make enough fun of you already? What? What?
Ross: Oh, yeah. Emily convinced me to do it.
Chandler: You do know that Wham! broke up?

The One with All the Wedding Dresses [4.20][edit]

Chandler: So, What do you do when you're not working here?
Gunther: You don't need to fill these silences.
Chandler: Okay! Thanks...

Rachel: This isn't even my dress.
Phoebe: Well at least you didn't rent yours from a store called "It's Not Too Late"!

The One with the Invitation [4.21][edit]

Chandler: We have to do something huge .
Joey:We could climb Mount Everest.
Chandler: I told we have to do something huge. Not something stupid...

Rachel: Drive Phoebe to hospital if she goes into labor.
Monica: You don't have a car.. And your license expired.
Rachel:[Cries] There's so much to do and I have so less time .

The One with the Worst Best Man Ever [4.22][edit]

[Chandler is angry that Joey and not himself is going to be Ross's Best Man.]
Chandler: [to everyone in the room] I've decided that my best man is my best friend Gunther!
Gunther: What is my last name?
Chandler: [short pause] Central... Perk?

Joey: [entering Monica and Rachel's apartment] Hey.
Monica: Hey.
Joey: Do you guys have, like, a big bowl I can borrow?
Monica: Yeah, there's one right under the cabinet.
Joey: [grabs it] Thanks.
Monica: Why do you need it?
Joey: Oh, we're having a big party tomorrow night. Later! [Starts for the door]
Rachel: Whoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?
Joey: Nooo, later. [Walks out the door]
Phoebe: HEY! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, TRIBBIANI! [Joey walks back in, scared]
Rachel: Hormones!

The One with Ross's Wedding: Part 2 [4.24][edit]

[Rachel is on a plane to London and talks about her reasons for her journey to a passenger across the aisle while another passenger is trying to sleep next to her]
Rachel: [to the passenger across the aisle] So then I realized, all the stuff that I had been doing-proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding-was all a way of trying to tell him...
Other Passenger: [waking up, irritated] OH, OH, OH, OH! I'm sorry, can I interrupt? I just want to say that you are a horrible, horrible person!
Rachel: [surprised] Pardon me?
Other Passenger: You say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life! I have to agree with your friend 'Pheebs'! This is a terrible, terrible plan!
Rachel: But he has to know how I feel!
Other Passenger: Why? He loves this Emily person! No good can come of this!
Rachel: I think you're wrong!
Other Passenger: [sarcastically] Oh, no! [puts his fist in his mouth and is about to put on his headphones]
Rachel: He doesn't really love her! It's just a rebound thing from me! You'll see.
Other Passenger: Fortunately, I won't. And by the way, it seems to be perfectly clear that you WERE on a break! [Rachel gasps]

The One with Ross's Wedding: Part 2 [4.24][edit]

Ross: [storming into Chandler's room] I'M GETTING MARRIED TODAY!!! WHOO-HOO!!!
Chandler: [covered up in bed] Morning, Ross.
Chandler: Yeah, you are.
Ross: [leaving the room] WHOO-HOO!!!
Monica: [popping head out from under Chandler's covers] Do you think he knew I was here?

[Emily and Ross are reciting their wedding vows.]
Priest: I, Ross...
Ross: I, Ross...
Priest: ... take thee, Emily...
Ross: ... take thee, Rachel...

Season 5[edit]

The One After Ross Says Emily [5.01][edit]

[After Ross and Emily's disastrous reception.]
Joey: You know, I think that went well.
Chandler: It could've been worse; he could have shot her.

Joey: All right, I'm gonna go say "hi" to the chick and the duck.
Phoebe: Oh, me too!
Joey: Why would you need to say "hi" to them? You've been feeding them for four days!
Phoebe: Oh... right. Maybe I'll just go home.

Rachel: No, you're not an idiot, Ross. You're a guy very much in love.
Ross: Same difference.

The One with All the Kissing [5.02][edit]

Rachel: Phoebe, you were right. I should've never gone to London, and from now on you make all of my decisions for me.
Phoebe: Oh, no. I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.
Monica: I'll do it!

Ross: I'm just going to wander around in the rain.
Rachel: Uhh... it's not raining.
Ross: I can't catch a break!

The One Hundredth [5.03][edit]

Rachel: Monica? You're gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.
Joey: Oh, my!
Rachel: They're male nurses.
Joey: Not in my head.

Chandler: So, uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Phoebe: Works on you.

The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS [5.04][edit]

Ross: Okay, then. Here we go. Magic 8-Ball, should I never see Rachel again? "Ask again later." Later is not good enough! "Ask again later." What the hell! This is broken! It... it is broken!
Monica: All right, let me see. Will Chandler have sex tonight? "Don't count on it." Seems like it works to me.

Phoebe: I just found a selfless good deed; I went to the park and let a bee sting me.
Joey: How is that a good deed?
Phoebe: Because now the bee gets to look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am not.
Joey: Now you know the bee probably died when he stung you?
Phoebe: Dammit!

The One with the Kips [5.05][edit]

[Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are all trapped in Monica's room. Chandler has his ear pressed to the door.]
Phoebe: Can you hear anything?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, someone just said, "Can you hear anything?"
[Joey is searching for something under Monica's bed. Monica turns around and sees Joey's butt sticking out from the top of her bed.]
Monica: Hey, Joey's ass. What are you doing?
Joey: [About Ross and Rachel] Well, remember when they had that big fight and broke up, and we got stuck in here with no food or anything? Well, when Ross said "Rachel" at the wedding, I figured it was gonna happen again, you know? So I hid this in here.
[Places a small box on the bed filled with candy bars and other things.]
Monica: Ooh! Candy bars, crossword puzzles...
Phoebe: Ooh, Mad Libs! MINE!
[Chandler finds a few condoms in the box.]
Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: Hey, you don't know how long we're gonna be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth!
Chandler: And condoms are the way do that?

Monica: I'm really getting tired of always sneaking around all the time.
Chandler: Me, too. What if we went away for the weekend? No interruptions and we could be naked the entire time.
Monica All weekend? That's a whole lot naked.
Chandler: I'll say I have a conference and you can have a... uh... chef thing.
Monica: I've always wanted to go to this culinary fair in Jersey!
Chandler: Okay! You know you're not, though.

Joey: That hotel you stayed at called. They said someone left an eyelash curler in your room.
Chandler [nervous]: Yes, that was mine.
Joey: I figured you hooked up with some girl and she left it.
Chandler: That would have made more sense.
Joey: I don't even feel like I know you any more. All right, I'm just going to ask you this one time. Whatever you say, I'll believe you. Were you or were you not on a gay cruise?

The One with the Yeti [5.06][edit]

Monica: We were, we were just in the storage area and we saw this really creepy man!
Rachel: It was, like, this crazy-eyed, hairy beast man! He was like a, like a bigfoot or a yeti or something!
Monica: And he came at us with an axe, so Rachel had to use a bug bomb on him!
Rachel Yeah, I — I — I just pulled the tab and I just fogged his yeti ass!
Joey: Uhh, like, dark hair, bushy beard?
Rachel: Yeah!
Joey: Yeah, you fogged Danny.
Rachel: Please! We did not fog Danny!... Who's Danny?

Monica: So basically, this is a getting-rid-of-everything-Rachel-ever-used sale.
Ross: Touched, used, sat on, slept on.
Gunther: I'll take it all.

The One Where Ross Moves In [5.07][edit]

Rachel: No, I can't get started with all that Ross stuff again. I mean, he's gonna be screwed up for a long time. And besides, you know, I don't, I don't go for guys right after they get divorced.
Monica: Right, you only go for them five minutes before they get married.

Joey: Come on, Chandler. Ross is our friend and he needs us right now. So why don't you be a grownup and come watch some TV in the fort?

The One with All the Thanksgivings [5.08][edit]

Monica: I'm sorry.
Chandler: Well, sorry doesn't bring back the little piggy that cried all the way home.

Monica: Phoebe, you pull. I'm going to spread the legs as far as I can.
Joey: (snickering)
Monica: Joey?
Joey: Yeah
Monica: Now is not the time.
Joey: Right. Sorry. Right.

[The duck walks by.]
Chandler: [angrily] "Oh, oh, I'm a duck. I go quack-quack. I'm happy all the time."

The One with Ross's Sandwich [5.09][edit]

[Phoebe is talking about the literature class she's taking.]
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I really liked that Lamaze class I took! You know, I just thought this time I'd go for something, you know, a little more intellectual... with a less painful final exam.

Ross: Someone at work ate my sandwich!
Chandler: Well, what did the police say?
Ross: My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich! I can't believe someone ate it!
Chandler: It's just a sandwich!
Ross: Just a sandwich? I'm 30 years old, I'm going to be divorced twice and I just got evicted! That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life! SOMEONE ATE THE ONLY GOOD THING GOING ON IN MY LIFE! [pauses]
Monica: I have enough stuff for one more sandwich. I was going to eat it myself, but...
Ross: That would be incredible! Thank you so much! I still can't believe someone ate it!! I left a note!
Chandler: [reading the note] "Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Ross Geller's lunch." "'Ross Geller's lunch' who?" "Ross Geller's lunch; please don't take me, ok?"
Joey: I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch!
Phoebe: You want to hold on to your food, you have to scare people off. I learned that living on the street.
Ross: Really? So what would you say? 'Keep your mitts off my grub'?
Chandler: Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?
Phoebe: [writing a note] This will keep them away from your stuff!
[Everyone sees the note and gasps]
Monica: Phoebe, you are a bad-ass!
Phoebe: Someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed a cop!
Monica: Phoebe!

The One with the Inappropriate Sister [5.10][edit]

Monica: Danny, you know Rachel? She’s nice. She’s not bad to look at, right?
Rachel: Thanks, Mon.
Danny: Well, of course.
Monica: Do you want to go out on a date with her?
Rachel: Monica!
Danny: Absolutely! Is Friday okay?
Monica: Friday’s perfect. She can’t wait.
Danny: [to Monica] On the date, I will be able to talk to her directly?

Danny: I had a really nice time tonight.
Rachel: So did I. I'm really glad Monica asked us out.

The One with All the Resolutions [5.11][edit]

Ross: No divorces in '99! [blows a party horn]
Rachel: But your divorce hasn't been finalized yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! [blows the party horn again] You know what, I'm going to be happy this year. I am going to make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?
Ross: I am going to do one thing that I have never done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.
Phoebe: Ohh... that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
Chandler: That's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to find is a planeload of people whose New Year's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

[Phoebe is giving Joey guitar lessons.]
Phoebe: You're questioning my methods.
Joey: I'm not questioning it, Phoebe, I'm saying it's stupid.

The One with Chandler's Work Laugh [5.12][edit]

Joey: Look, it's not that big a deal. So Monica and Chandler are doing it.
Rachel: I cannot believe you would say that!
Joey: Sorry. Monica and Chandler are "making love."

Monica: What's that noise you just made?
Chandler: Oh, that? That's my work laugh.
Monica: Your work laugh?
Chandler: Yeah, and if you want to survive this party, you'll need to come up with one too.

The One with Joey's Bag [5.13][edit]

[Outfitting him for a role, Rachel encourages Joey to carry a unisex leather bag.]
Joey: But it is odd how a woman's purse looks so good on me, a man!
Rachel: Exactly! Unisex!
Joey: Tch! Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago.
Rachel: No, no, Joey! U-N-I-sex.
Joey: Well! Ain't gonna say "no" to that!

Phoebe: Lily's dead!
Frank Sr.: She — what?
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Sr.: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.

The One Where Everybody Finds Out [5.14][edit]

Monica: You are so cute. How did you get to be so cute?
Chandler: Well, my grandfather was Swedish and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny.

Phoebe: I'm going to kiss you now.
Chandler: Not if I kiss you first. [They awkwardly put their hands on each other] Well...I guess there's nothing left for us to do but... but kiss.
Phoebe: Here it comes. Our first kiss.
[They slowly reach each other and kiss, which Chandler breaks away from]
Chandler: Okay, okay, okay, you win! You win! I can't have sex with you!
Phoebe: And why not?
Chandler: Because I'm in love with Monica!
Phoebe: You''re what?
Chandler: [as Rachel, Monica and Joey enter] Love her! That's right, I love her! I love you, Monica.
Monica: I love you, too, Chandler.
Phoebe: I thought you guys were doing it. I didn't know you were in love.

Ross [seeing Chandler and Monica from across his apartment] What...? No. What?! What are you doing?! GET OFF MY SISTER!

The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey [5.15][edit]

Chandler: Well, we had a great run. What was it — four, five months? That's more that most people have in a lifetime. So bye, take care, buh-bye then. [kisses Monica and gets ready to jump out the window]
Monica: Where are you going?
Chandler: Oh, I'm going on the lam.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back). (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door). Hey Ross. What's up bro? (Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica).
Ross: What the hell are doing?!!
Rachel: (running from the guy's apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, what's-what's going on?!
'Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey: (panicking) Dude! He's right there!
Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler: Look, we're not just messing around! I love her. Okay, I'm in love with her.
Monica: I'm so sorry that you had to find out this way. I'm sorry, but it's true, I love him too. (There's a brief pause).
Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both). (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!
Rachel: Awww, no, it's okay, we've actually known for a while. (There's another pause as Ross gets angry again).
Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the door). You all knew and you didn't tell me?!!
Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didn't know how you were going to react. (Pause).
Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didn't know how I was going to react? (He hugs them both).
Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him). Hey-hey-hey, I-I-I'm just talking here, he-he's the one doing your sister.

Monica: Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Chandler: Well, no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry's about fourth, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.

Joey: Hey Ross, will you pass me that knife?
Ross: No, I will not!
Joey: Oh, it's okay. You don't have to be so mean about it.
Ross: You're right, I'm sorry. Will you marry me? (They all laugh).
Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.

The One with the Cop [5.16][edit]

Rachel: I brought reinforcements.
Ross: You brought Joey?
Rachel: Um... no, but I brought the next best thing.
[Chandler walks in.]
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: Chandler? You brought Chandler? The next best thing would have been Monica!
Chandler: Normally I'd be offended, but she is freakishly strong.

Ross: Look, I drew a sketch about how we're gonna do it. Okay, Rach, that's you. That's the couch.
Rachel: Whoa, what's ... what's that?
Ross: Oh, that's me.
Rachel: Wow! You certainly think a lot of yourself.
Ross: No! That's ... that's my arm.
Chandler: Oh, I see. I thought you just really, really liked your new couch.

The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss [5.17][edit]

Monica: [Trying to seduce Chandler] I've always found the men's bathroom very sexual. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And if I did, I don't think we'd be going out.

Monica: Gary and Phoebe think they're a hotter couple than we are!
Chandler: Oh. So?
Monica: So we've gotta go upstairs and have a lot of sex and prove them wrong.
Chandler: Honey, you've got to stop this competitive thing. Just to beat some other couple you want me to go upstairs and have sex with you over and over and over and... I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!

The One Where Rachel Smokes [5.18][edit]

Chandler: You smoked.
Rachel: I did not.
Chandler: Yes you did. You look happy and sick-- you smoked!
Rachel: All right, fine, but I had to. I had to do it for my career.
Chandler: I wish I had to smoke for my career.

Joey: Hi, Ben. So you want to be an actor, huh? Well, I got to tell you, it's no picnic. There's ton of rejection. No stability. I mean, one day you're Dr. Drake Ramoray. The next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle. It's a tough life. I mean, sure, okay you can get up whenever you want, watch T.V. all day, meet tons of women in acting class... Who am I kidding? I can't talk you out of this. It's a great life.

The One Where Ross Can't Flirt [5.19][edit]

Chandler: Rachel, did it bother you when Ross flirted with other women?
Rachel: No, it bothered me when he slept with other women.

Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago. You've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.

The One with the Ride-Along [5.20][edit]

Chandler: [sniffs] This sandwich does smell good...
Joey: Did I say you could smell my sandwich?
Chandler: I can't smell your sandwich?
Joey: No! Half of the taste is in the smell! You're sucking up all the taste units!
Chandler: Okay, I'll give them back. [exhales]

Monica: Man, I would be great in a war! I really think I'd make a fantastic military leader. I mean, I know I'd make general before any of you guys.
Chandler: Before or after you were shot by your own troops?

The One with the Ball [5.21][edit]

Joey: So is Staten Island really an island?
Ross: Hence the name: Staten Island.
Joey: Oh, I thought it was like Long Island.
Ross: Also an island!

[Ross and Joey talk during a game of catch.]
Ross: They found a Paleozoic amphibian in the jaws of a Mesozoic mastodon! How did it get there?
Joey: Maybe this should be more of a quiet game.

[Rachel comes in with a hairless cat.]
Rachel: Check it out!
Ross: What... what is ?
Joey: What... What the hell is that?
Rachel: It... It's a cat.
Joey: That is not a cat.
Rachel: Yes, it is.
Ross: Why is it inside out?

The One with Joey's Big Break [5.22][edit]

Phoebe: [about which route to take to Vegas] Oh, if you take the northern route, there's a man in Illinois with a beard of bees.
Joey: Great! Problem solved!
Phoebe: But on the southern route, there's a chicken that plays tic-tac-toe.
Joey: Well, back to square one.

Joey: Who would you rather sleep with: Monica or Rachel?
Ross: Dude, you are sick.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing.

The One in Vegas, Part 1 [5.23][edit]

Monica: Okay. You cannot tell Chandler. Okay? But I ran into Richard.
Phoebe: Which Richard?
Monica: The Richard.
Phoebe: Richard Simmons?!
Monica: No, my ex-boyfriend Richard. You know: the tall guy, mustache.
Phoebe: Okay, that actually makes more sense. How was it?

Rachel: No! Phoebe, just because I'm alone doesn’t mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.
Phoebe: Uh-huh! Why do you think it takes me so long to answer the door?

The One in Vegas, Part 2 [5.24][edit]

Ross: [speaking through the phone to the pens Company] Yes, Hello! I have a question, uhm!... I used your pen to draw on my friend's face. [something at the phone]... A beard and a mustache. [Something at the phone again] oh! Thank you!... [to Rachel] Yeah, it's not comin' off.

Rachel: [talking on the phone, drunk] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol. And you know, we would like some more beers, too... hello? Oh, wait... I forgot to dial!
[There is a knock at the door.]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers!

Joey: [To Rachel] Hey Rach, how you doin'?
Rachel: [grins] I'm doing good, baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink any more!

Season 6[edit]

The One After Vegas [6.01][edit]

Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always!
Ross: Rachel and me are still married.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I didn't get the annulment. We're still married. Don't tell Rachel. Okay, see you later...

The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel [6.02][edit]

Ross: I just don't want my tombstone to read, "Ross Geller: Three divorces."
Phoebe: Don't feel worried about that! Your tombstone can say whatever you want it to say! It could say, "Ross Geller: Good at Marriage!" Y'know? Mine's going to say "Phoebe Buffay: Buried Alive."

Ross: We were drunk! I would've married Joey with that amount of alcohol!
Phoebe: Hey! You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani!

The One with Ross's Denial [6.03][edit]

Joey: Yeah, why don't you move in with me? It'll be great! We could stay up late, watch movies. And you know about Naked Thursdays, right?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah. I think I'm gonna find my own place.
Chandler: Hey-hey! I thought Naked Thursdays was just our thing, man!

Phoebe: Ninety percent of a woman's pheromones come out the top of her head! That's why women are shorter, so that men will fall in love when they hug them! [Ross is staring at Phoebe] Oh, come on, Ross, you're a scientist.

The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance [6.04][edit]

Phoebe: So, my reading was wrong - I'm not gonna die!
Monica: How do you know?
Phoebe: Because my psychic's dead! She must have read it wrong.
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry.
Phoebe: Hey, better her than me. Ooh! Let's bake cookies!

Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Well, Joey's got a really bad hernia...but it's nothing that a little laser eye surgery won't fix!

The One with Joey's Porsche [6.05][edit]

Chandler: Ross, just for my own peace of mind — you're not married to any more of us, are you?

Judge: Okay, you two are asking the court for an annulment?
Rachel: Yes, your honor, and here are... are forms, all filled out.
Judge: So based on your petition you are seeking an annulment on the grounds that Mr. Geller is mentally unstable.
Ross: Fine, I’m mentally unstable.
Judge: And based on the fact that Mr. Geller is intravenous drug user.
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Uh, yes, heroin and crack.
Ross: Crack isn’t even an intravenous drug!
Rachel: Well, you would know.
Judge: Now it also says here that you lied about your sexual preference before marriage?
Ross: Oh, come on!
Rachel: Ross, please, I found the magazines!
Judge: And finally that you were unable to consummate the marriage. Well, that makes sense since you’re gay and addicted to heroin...

Joey: Why isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
Passer-by: Maybe because you've got the keys?

The One on the Last Night [6.06][edit]

Chandler: Here is the phone bill.
Joey: Oh, my...!!
Chandler: That's our phone number.

Rachel: You know what else I'm not gonna miss? [mockingly] "I'm Monica, I wash the toilet seventeen times a day, even if people are on it!"
Monica: "Hi, I'm Rachel. Is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, I better wash it and shrink it!"
Rachel: "I'm Monica. I don't get phone messages from interesting people, ever.
Phoebe: Hey, I call her.
Monica: "Oh my, I love Ross, I hate Ross! I love Ross, I hate Ross!
Rachel: "Oh my...! I can't find a boyfriend, so I guess I'll just stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find in there!"
[Mad at Rachel's last comment, Monica angrily dumps one of Rachel's belongings and walks away.]
Phoebe: Yeah, we should get a move on if we wanna make those dinner reservations.

The One Where Phoebe Runs [6.07][edit]

Ross: I just finished this fascinating book. By the year 2030, there will be computers that can carry out the same amount of functions as an actual human brain. So theoretically, you could download your thoughts and memories into this computer and live forever as a machine!
Chandler: And I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.

Monica: Joey, did you even interview this woman before you asked her to move in?
Joey: Of course I did.
Monica: What exactly did you ask her?
Joey: "When can you move in?"

Phoebe: Me, I'm more free. You know, I run like I did when I was a kid because that's the only way it's fun. You know? I mean, didn't you even run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off? You know, like when you were running towards the swings, or running away from Satan?
[Rachel looks confused.]
Phoebe: The neighbor's dog.

Monica: Honey, that's a great idea nailing your boxes to the floor !
Chandler: I didn't nail my boxes to the floor.
Monica: Oh so you can move them !

The One with Ross's Teeth [6.08][edit]

Chandler: [offering Joey a game of Playstation] Hi, my name's Chandler! I just moved in next door, and I was wondering if you'd be interested in battling me in a post-apocalyptic world for control of the galaxy's last remaining energy source.
Joey: Sure.

Rachel:[Referring to her boss Kim] She doesn't like me very much.
Chandler: That's great. Because my boss doesn't like me either.
Monica: My boss doesn't like me either.
Ross: Maybe it's like a universal thing.
Joey: Or maybe because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.
All others: [In chorus] Let's get off to work...

The One Where Ross Got High [6.09][edit]

Joey: You're gonna cook something?
Rachel: Hey, I cook!
Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.

[On tasting Rachel's English trifle/Shepherd's pie]
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey: I like it!
Ross: Are you serious?
Joey: What's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Beef, GOOD!

The One with the Routine [6.10][edit]

Ross: And that's the story of the dreidel. Now, some people trace the Christmas tree back to the Egyptians, who used to bring green palm branches into their huts on the shortest day of the year, symbolizing life's triumph over death. And that was, like, four thousand years ago.
Rachel: So, pretty much around the same time that you started telling this story.

Rachel: That's a great story, grandpa!

The One with the Apothecary Table [6.11][edit]

Phoebe: [to Ross] You bought your sheets at a flea market? Come on, Ross, you gotta loosen the pursestrings a little!

Rachel: OK, fine! I’ll just tell Phoebe it’s an antique apothecary table, she doesn’t have to know where it came from. Oh, look at this! Little drawers! Oh look, look, it says that it holds... three hundred CDs!
Chandler: Ahhh, just like the apothecary tables of yore.

Monica: [to Janine] You know, you're not so quiet yourself, missy!
Chandler: [to Janine] And I'm blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it! [in a bad Australian accent] "Oh, Chandler, I just lost myself in the movement!"

The One with the Joke [6.12][edit]

Phoebe: I didn't know Playboy prints jokes.
Ross: Yeah, they print jokes, interviews, hard-hitting journalism. It's not just about the pictures!
Monica: It didn't work on Mom. It's not going to work on us.
[Joey walks in]
Ross: Hey, Joey, look — Playboy printed my joke!
Joey: [Joey reads it and makes a slight chuckle] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jokes? But... You guys know they have naked chicks in there, right?

The One with Rachel's Sister [6.13][edit]

Joey: Altogether, it's $12.75.
Chandler: This coming from the man who couldn't split our $80 phone bill in half.

[Rachel introduces her sister to everyone.]
Rachel: That's Joey.
Joey: How you doin'?
Rachel: DON'T!!!!!

Rachel: Honey ! What did you do that bad that make dad cut you off?
Jill: Okay.. I bought a boat.
Phoebe: You bought a boat ?
Jill: Yeah. It wasn't for me. It was for a friend.
Chandler: Boy, did we make friends with the wrong sister!

Phoebe: Seriously, Rachel's not gonna think it's a good idea.
Jill: So who made her Queen of the World ?
Phoebe: I would love that job.

The One Where Chandler Can't Cry [6.14][edit]

Joey: I can't believe Ross went out with Rachel's sister! When Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for ten years.
Chandler: That was, like, five years ago.
Joey: Yeah, you got five years left!
Chandler: Joey —
Joey: You wanna make it six?

[While watching Phoebe's porn video]
Joey: You sick bastards.
Rachel: It's a tattoo. That's weird, Pheebs...wait, that's Ursula! That's not Phoebe, that's Ursula!
[Joey turns to watch the tape.]
Joey: Wait! Wait! Then I can watch that. Rewind it! Rewind it!
[Phoebe arrives.]
Phoebe: Hey, what's up? Oh, my...! What am I doing?!

[In reference to Phoebe doing porn.]
Monica: Well, I guess it makes sense, you know, having such a terrible childhood.
Chandler: I had a terrible childhood and I don't do porn.
Monica: Yes, but you're dead inside.

The One Where It Could Have Been, Part 1 [6.15][edit]

Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.

Joey: [Looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?!

Phoebe: No, Barry and Mindy.

Joey: Oh, sorry. I hear "divorce," I immediately go to Ross.

Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die!
[Phoebe stares at him angrily.]
Chandler: But you're not gonna die... I mean... you — you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today... I wish I was dead.

The One Where It Could Have Been, Part 2 [6.16][edit]

Chandler [imitating Roger]: "Here's some little-known facts about couscous: they didn't add the second cous until 1979."

Ross: Sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: And I'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women ain't that great either, huh?
Ross: Try telling my wife that.

Phoebe: [singing]
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see,
One of them won't do it but the second will set you free.
Tell all your hate and anger, It's time to say goodbye.
And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I worked for die!

The One with Unagi [6.17][edit]

Ross: I studied ka-ra-te for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concept.
Phoebe: Yeah, it is, it is. It's freshwater eel.
Ross: Okay, maybe it means that, too.

Ross: Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving true unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.
Phoebe: You mean, in case someone's trying to steal your bamboo sleeping mat or your kettle of fish?

The One Where Ross Dates a Student [6.18][edit]

Chandler: Ah, "Hotties of the Paleontology Department." There's a big-selling calendar, eh?

Joey: Now listen, the last day of auditions is Thursday. Okay? So I gotta get in there by Thursday. Okay? Just remember Thursday. Thursday. Can you remember Thursday?
Chandler: [mockingly] Yeah. So, Tuesday?
Joey: Thursday! Look, if you need help remembering, think of it like this: the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?
Chandler: Thank you.

The One with Joey's Fridge [6.19][edit]

Chandler: You don't look good, Joe.
Joey: The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything. Cold cuts, ice cream, limes. Oh, and what was in that brown jar?
Chandler: That's still in there?
Joey: Not any more. By the way, you owe me $400.
Chandler: Is this a service you're providing me?

[Phoebe shows what her guy has for Rachel]:
Phoebe: And he has one of these. [Phoebe imitates a chin dimple]
Chandler: A face ass?

Monica: Chandler, do you think we talk about our relationship enough?
Chandler: Yeah. Do we have any Fruit Roll Ups?

The One with Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. [6.20][edit]

Joey: If I don't get this part, I'm never gonna eat macaroni and cheese again.. [After a second] I didn't say that.. That doesn't count

Monica: Aren't you dressed yet?
Chandler: Am I naked again?

[While playing Foosball]
Joey: How cool it would be, If you could watch a life size version of this ? How crazy would that be ?
Chandler: As crazy as Soccer ?

Joey:I have answering machine..
Chandler: Which I bought for you.. Taught how to use it.. You thought it was a copier...

The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad [6.21][edit]

Ross: All right, a joke — lighten the mood. Two guys walk into a bar, and one of them is Irish.
Paul: I'm Irish.
Ross: ... And the Irish guy wins the joke.

Rachel: It seemed my prom date had stood me up. So, selflessly, Ross offered to take me.
Elizabeth: What a sweet story!
Paul: So, Ross, you were in college, and you jumped at the opportunity to take a young girl to her high school prom?
Rachel: Wow! Did not see that one backfiring.

The One Where Paul's the Man [6.22][edit]

[Elizabeth and Ross are kissing.]
Elizabeth: What's wrong?
Ross: I'm sorry, I was just thinking about your father.
Elizabeth: Okay... well, whatever works for you.

Paul: [to self] Okay, you're doing well. She likes you. And you know why? Because you are a neat guy. You are the man. You are the man! [sings] "I'm just a love machine..."

Ross: Fine, have me fired. But I want you to know that we are not that different. I mean...I too, am a "neat guy". And I too, "am just a love machine".
Paul: [pause] Ross, why don't you take the guest room?

The One with the Ring [6.23][edit]

Rachel: I wish I could get him to open up a little bit, share some feelings.
Phoebe: That's easy! You just have to think of him as a — as a jar of pickles that won't open.
Rachel: So, what are you saying; I should run him under hot water and bang his head against a table?
Phoebe: No, that's what you do when you want to get the truth out of someone.

Monica: I know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.
Rachel: What's the other one?
Monica: I don't know. I've never had to use the other one.

Ross: Hey, when we were married, you know what I never got? Uh, sex.
Rachel: Uh, yeah, well, no ring, no sex- big surprise.
Phoebe: Get me a musket and we'll talk.

The One with the Proposal, Part 1 [6.24][edit]

Rachel: [referring to Ross' relationship with the much younger Elizabeth] Now, all jokes aside. Ross, where is this relationship going?
Chandler: Wait a minute. All jokes aside? I didn't agree to that.

Chandler: [to Ross] I mean, if you're not careful, you may not get married at all this year.

The One with the Proposal, Part 2 [6.25][edit]

Monica: [To Richard] getting over you was the single most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, so I don't allow myself to think about you

Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler: Oh my...
Monica: Chandler... in all my life I never thought I'd be so lucky as to fall in love with my best — my best — There's a reason why girls don't do this!
Chandler: Okay, okay, I'll do it. I thought: wait, I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that is that you — you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica: Yes! I knew you were likely to take a wife!
Joey: [from outside] Can we come in yet? We're dying out here!
Monica: Come in! Come in! [Joey, Rachel and Phoebe enter] We're engaged!
Joey: Yeah, you are!

Season 7[edit]

The One with Monica's Thunder [7.01][edit]

[Monica opens the door to find Ross and Rachel kissing in the hallway.]
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry, I seem to have opened the door to the past!... I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to steal my thunder!
Rachel: Oh, no honey — we weren't trying to steal your thunder, honest. No one was meant to see!
Monica : Right, now I get it. That's why you two were kissing in the secret hallway where nobody ever goes!

Chandler: You have had lot of sex right ?
Joey: Today ? Some, not a lot.

The One with Rachel's Book [7.02][edit]

Judy Geller: We might have some money if your father hadn't thought it was a good idea to sell ice over the Internet.
Jack Geller: It seemed like such a simple idea.
Judy: Stupid, Jack, the word is stupid.

Rachel: What happened at dinner?
Monica: My parents spent the money for our wedding.
Phoebe: My...what did you order?

The One with Phoebe's Cookies [7.03][edit]

Phoebe: You know, I think my grandmother would be proud that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I'm sure she's looking up at us and smiling.
Ross: Looking up?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah! She was nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.

Joey: Look at this clown. Just 'cause he got a bigger boat, he thinks he can take up the whole river. Get out of the way, jackass! Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coast is way over there.

The One with Rachel's Assistant [7.04][edit]

Ross: [quietly to Chandler] How could you tell her?!
Chandler: I had to! We're getting married! Couples can't keep secrets from one another!
Ross: Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City!
Chandler: DU-UUUDE!!
Rachel: What happened in Atlantic City?
Ross: Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler: Did you not hear me say "DU-UUUDE"?!
Ross: ...and this girl is making eyes at him. After a while he goes over to her, and a minute later I see them kissing. Now you're thinking, "Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls!" And you're right, he's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls! [widens his eyes]
Rachel: You kissed a guy?!
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy!
Ross: I laughed so hard...
Chandler: ...that we had to throw out your underwear again?!
Ross: Whatever, dude! You kissed a guy!

Chandler: In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!
Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!
Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried!
Ross: Hey! I welled up!
[Monica is laughing hard]
Ross: You find that funny? Maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets!
Monica: I already told him everything! You shush!
Ross: Once, Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she made!
Monica: Ross used to stay home every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Ross: Monica couldn't tell time till she was 13!
Monica: It's hard for some people!
Chandler: Of course it is! [secretly backs off and mouths 'whoa']
Monica: Chandler once wore my underwear to work!
Chandler: HEY!
Monica: I'm sorry! I couldn't think of any more for Ross!
Ross: In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler: That was you!
Ross: Whatever, dude! You kissed a guy!

The One with the Engagement Picture [7.05][edit]

Rachel: Hey, look, look. Phoebe's talking to "Cute Coffeehouse Guy."
Ross: You guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy? We call him "Hums While He Pees."
Chandler: Yes, and we call Ross "Lingers in the Bathroom."
Phoebe: [walks in] Hey, you guys — "Hums While He Pees" just asked me out!

[Monica and Chandler are looking at photos.]
Monica: Chandler, what is wrong with your face? This picture is supposed to say "Geller and Bing to be married," not "Local woman saves drowning moron." [The photographer laughs.] Hey, don't laugh at him. He's my drowning moron.

The One with the Nap Partners [7.06][edit]

[Ross, Chandler and Joey sit on a couch watching a movie]
Chandler: Die Hard, still great!
Joey: Hey, what do you say we make a double feature?
Ross: What else did you rent?
Joey: Die Hard 2!
Chandler: Joe, this is Die Hard 1 again.
Joey: Ohh..well if we watch it a second time then it's Die Hard 2!
Ross: Joey we just saw it.
Joey: And?
Ross: And it would be cool to see it again!
Joey and Ross: Die Hard!
Ross [to Chandler]: Dude, you didn't say Die Hard. Is everything okay?
Chandler: Yeah, I just..i got plans.
Ross: Well, John McClane had plans.
Chandler: Alright, you see the thing is..I wanna get outta here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody "bitch".
Joey: What are you talkin' about...bitch?

The One with Ross's Library Book [7.07][edit]

Phoebe: You have no idea how amazing she is..
Joey: No idea ? Who do you think brought her here ?
Rachel: Cupid !
Phoebe: Joey, She is so cool, she speaks 4 languages.
Joey: Man, Do you know what guys want ?

Ross: People are doing 'it'in front of my book!

Joey: It was awkward. We were both nervous.
Phoebe: Didn't you sleep together ?
Joey: Yeah.. That really calms me down..

The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs [7.08][edit]

Joey: The question, Rachel, is this: does he like you? Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel:Uh, Joe — a moo point?
Joey: You know, like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter. It's moo.
Rachel: Have I been living with him too long, or did all that just make sense?

The One with All the Candy [7.09][edit]

Joey: [watching a discussion between Monica and a neighbor] Hey Chandler, do we know that lady?
Chandler: Maybe. Isn't she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?
Monica: [still talking to the woman] All right, I'll do it just this once! But you can't tell anybody!
Woman: [exasperated] Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!
Joey and Chandler: Yeah, that's her.

Monica: Ross! My neighbors ate all my candy!
Ross: Mine stole my newspaper! It's like a crime wave!

The One with the Holiday Armadillo [7.10][edit]

[Chandler dressed as Santa, has just been asked to leave]
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.

[Monica and Chandler kiss.]
Monica: Hey, do you think you can keep that suit a little longer?
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yeah. Is that okay?
Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up as Santa?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Then it's OKAY!

The One with All the Cheesecakes [7.11][edit]

Monica: Here's Frannie. Huh! Won't she be happy to see me?
Ross: Now wait a minute, you be nice! All right? I didn’t bring you here so you can ambush her.
Monica: Frannie was the one who found your Playboys and showed them to Mom.
Ross: That bitch!

Frannie: Monica? What, what are you...?
Monica: What am I doing here? You invite my brother, you invite my whole family, and not me? Why? Why wouldn't you want me at your wedding? What could I have possibly done? Stuart!
Frannie: I believe you know my husband.
Ross: So it's really a question of who could you have possibly done.

The One Where They're Up All Night [7.12][edit]

Phoebe: There it is. Look at that.. Isn't mother of nature amazing?
Chandler: That's a plane..
Phoebe: Well.. Allright.. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high.. That's pretty amazing too.

Ross: Look at all those stars. Infinite space. Really makes you wonder.
Joey: You know what else makes you wonder? Check out the rack on this chick!

Phoebe: [to beeping fire alarm] WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Joey: Man.. I'm starving. What was I thinking at dinner ? "Do you want soup or salad?" Both.. Always order both..

Voice from Outside: Phoebe Buffay!
Phoebe: Fire Alarm?

Fireman: We found your firealarm in trash.
Phoebe: It's not mine.
Fireman: Yes, it is.
Phoebe: How do you know ?
Fireman: If you dump a firealarm next time, don't use a blanket that says "Property of Phoebe Buffay, Not Monica."

Joey: Oh my.. How much do you weigh, Ross ?
Ross: I prefer not to answer that, as I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.

The One Where Rosita Dies [7.13][edit]

Joey: What are you doin'?
Rachel: Moving a chair so I can have a place to sit?
Joey: No, no, Rosita does not move.
Rachel: As in... what?
Joey: As in... Rosita does not move!
Rachel: Why not?
Joey: 'Cause she is in the equal distance from the kitchen to the bathroom, and she is at the perfect angle so that no glare is comin' off Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie, the TV?
Joey: Is there a problem?

The One Where They All Turn Thirty [7.14][edit]

Joey: [To Rachel] Look, turning thirty is not that big a deal.
Ross: Oh really? Is that how you felt when you turned thirty?
[Flashback to Joey's thirtieth birthday]
Joey: Why God, why?! We had a deal. Let the others grow old, not me!

Joey: "Why God, why are You doing this to us?!?"

Ross: "Lift! And Slide!"

The One with Joey's New Brain [7.15][edit]

Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and —
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, you're not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!
All: Oh!
Chandler: That's great!
Joey: And — and — and not only that, I'm gettin' a new brain!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!

Ross: What? A Brain transplant?
Joey: Yes, its a highly controversial procedure.
Ross: It's ridiculous!
Joey: Well, I think it's ridiculous that you haven't sex in three and a half months.
Ross: It’s winter. There are fewer people on the street.

Monica: Why is your family Scottish ?
Chandler: Why is your family Ross ?

The One with Truth About London [7.16][edit]

[Chandler and Monica start to make out.]
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough that I know I want to do this. Not so drunk enough that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: That's the perfect amount!

[Monica and Chandler jump under the bedcovers. Chandler swiftly doffs his clothes.]
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.

The One with the Cheap Wedding Dresses [7.17][edit]

Monica: You stick to your job.
Phoebe: What's your job?
Chandler: Staying out of the way.

Joey: We gotta spending limit on the date, I cant take her to a fancy place like that .
Ross: Well, Sorry. That's what I do on dates.
Joey: [By stretching hands] Well, I guess I'll just do what I do on dates.
Ross: So, Let's decide on spending limits.
Joey: $6?
Ross: I was thinking more like $100.
Joey: Okay.. Can I borrow $94?

The One with Joey's Award [7.18][edit]

Joey: You guys are not gonna believe this. I just talked to my agent and ..
Phoebe: Oh my... [Joey looks surprisingly] I'm sorry. Too soon. You Go..

Rachel: Do you know what behalf means ?
Joey: It's a verb. I-be-half in it.

The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin'' [7.19][edit]

Monica: Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex until the wedding.
Ross: A no-sex pact, huh? I seem to have one of those going with every woman in America.

[Ross and his attractive cousin Cassie are reminiscing.]
Ross: And I'll always remember that summer, because that's when I realized that we are related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out?
Ross: I'm a little slow. [under his breath] Just as our children would be.

The One with Rachel's Big Kiss [7.20][edit]

Chandler: Batman is so much cooler than James Bond.
Monica: What? 007 has all those gadgets.
Chandler: Batman has a utility belt.
Monica: 007 has a fancy car.
Chandler: Batman has the Batmobile.
Monica: 007 gets all the ladies.
Chandler: Batman has Robin.

The One with the Vows [7.21][edit]

Monica: Do you realize that in four weeks from today, we're gonna be married? Four weeks, baby, FOUR WEEKS!
Chandler: Do you realize that you get louder every week?

Phoebe: You know ? 9 out of 10 weddings end in divorce.
Ross: That's not true.
Phoebe: Yeah. You're right. Where is the missus ?

Ross: How did you write this?
Chandler: I stole from Monica and changed the name.
Ross: You can't do that.
Joey: If he goes first, he can.

The One with Chandler's Dad [7.22][edit]

Ross: You're fast and irresponsible. That adds up to a bad driver.
Rachel: Well, in high school, that added up to head cheerleader.

Mr. Bing: [Coming on the stage in drag] Hello, darlings.
Chandler: And there's Daddy.

Joey: Hey, Pheebs, check it out. [Shows Phoebe he's wearing a lacy women's thong]
Phoebe: Hmm, nice. Manly, and also kind of a slut.

Rachel: You have a son.
Ross: I know...

The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding, Part 1 [7.23][edit]

[Chandler's parents meet up at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler's father is now a transvestite.]
Charles Bing: Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Nora Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that?

Rachel: Do you realize this is probably the last time we're all gonna be here in the coffee house as six single people ?
Phoebe: Why, what's happening to the coffee house ?!

Chandler: From now on it's gonna be the four of you guys and me and the Mrs. Little Woman. Wife. The old ball and chain.
Rachel: Old ?
Chandler: Young hot ball and chain.

Ross: I need to talk to you about something.
Chandler: What's up ?
Ross: This may be a little awkward..
Chandler: Listen, if you wanna borrow money it's kind of a bad time. I'm buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Ross: No, it's not that. What I'm gonna say to you I'm not saying it as your friend, I'm saying it as Monica's older brother.
Chandler: But you're still my friend ?
Ross: Not for the next few minutes.
Chandler: During this time, are you still my best man ?
Ross: Nope.
Chandler: Can I still call you Ross ?
Ross: Okay. You guys are getting married tomorrow and I couldn't be more thrilled for both of you. But as Monica's older brother I have to tell you this : If you ever hurt my little sister, if you ever cause her any unhappiness of any kind, I will hunt you down and kick your ass. [Chandler bursts out laughing] What ? I'm serious [Chandler laughs again] Hey dude ! Stop it okay ? I'm not kidding here !
Chandler: I hear what you're saying and thanks for the warning.
Ross: No problem.
Chandler: So we're friends again ?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: You won't believe what Monica's older brother just said to me !

The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding, Part 2 [7.24][edit]

[The future in-laws, including Chandler's cross-dressing father Charles, are chatting.]
Sandra Green: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress.
Nora Bing: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress.
Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then.
Nora Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.

[Best man Ross is walking down the aisle with bridesmaids Phoebe and Rachel.]
Ross: This is nice.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: I've never walked down the aisle knowing it can't end in divorce!

Season 8[edit]

The One after I Do [8.01][edit]

Ross: Monica's pregnant!
Joey: Oh, my...! Is that why you guys had to get married?
Monica: Guys! I'm not pregnant.
Joey: Ah. [To Chandler] Slow swimmers?

[Chandler and Ross looking for camera's, Ross walks over to table]
Ross: Did you find them yet?
[Chandler pops out from under the table]
Chandler: [sarcastically] Yeah, that's why I'm under here, celebrating.

The One with the Red Sweater [8.02][edit]

[Rachel and Phoebe are checking out of a hotel.]
Rachel: Listen — y’know what, sir? For the last time, I don’t care what the computer says. We did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey: [arriving] Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Joey, were you in our room last night?
Joey: No. [Phoebe gives the bill to Joey. Joey turns to the concierge.] I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!

Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

The One Where Rachel Tells... [8.03][edit]

Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married.
Rachel: Why? Because that's your answer to everything?
Ross: Come on, I mean, you don't even like eating alone. How are you gonna raise a baby on your own?
Rachel: I DO SO eat alone!
Ross: When?
Rachel: When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!
Ross: I don't know why you don't just admit it.
Rachel: Oh, please! You inhale your food!
Ross: I grew up with Monica! If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

Joey: [Talking to Monica over the phone because he and Phoebe mistakenly broke down Monica and Chandler's apartment door ] Hey Mon, Phoebe and I smelled gas coming from your apartment.
Monica: Oh, my...! [looks at Chandler] Joey smells gas
Chandler: What else is new?
Monica: [to Joey on the phone] Well, you have to get in there.
Joey: Yeah, but you took away our keys. Would it be okay if we say, broke your door down?
Monica: Yes! Yes! Just get in, break the door down, whatever!
Joey: Okay, we'll do that. [Gives thumbs up sign to Phoebe]

Monica: [Arriving to the honeymoon hotel with Chandler and seeing that the honeymoon couple who got first class seats on the plane now get the honeymoon suite] No! No! No! You cannot do this to us again!
Man: Who are you?
Chandler: We're you 10 seconds later!
Monica: Everyone gives you special treatment because your on your honeymoon!The first class tickets, the honeymoon suite! No one cares that we're on our honeymoon!
Girl: Well take the suite if you want. [Hands them the keys] We don't need the stuff.
Man: We just wanna be together, we're in love.
Chandler:Awwww... Well we need the stuff!

The One with the Videotape [8.04][edit]

Phoebe: So, how was the honeymoon?
Monica: Oh, so much fun. But the best part is we met this incredible couple on the flight back.
Phoebe: That was the best part? [To Chandler] Good honeymooning, Tiger.

Ross: I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex wise...
Joey: Oh. For, like, months ?
Ross: Five, to be... lying. Six.
Joey: Six? That's rough.
Ross: It's not all bad, I'm learning to appreciate the small things like the sound of a bird and like the colour of the sky.
Joey: The sky's blue, Ross, and I had sex yesterday.

Joey: How did the date go ?
Ross: [sarcastically] Great! I'm across the street, having sex right now.

The One with Rachel's Date [8.05][edit]

Rachel: Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight: I'm a recovering alcoholic, I'm a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk?

Ross: [upon finding out Chandler's middle name] Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.

The One with the Halloween Party [8.06][edit]

Rachel: Monica, we need more candy.
Monica: What? There's only been like 4 kids!
Rachel: Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder you're pregnant.

Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a second? [approaches Monica] I really appreciate you getting me the costume!
Rachel: You did this to him?
Monica: I thought he'd love it! His favourite book was The Velveteen Rabbit.
Chandler: That rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: It was a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all! ALWAYS NO BUNNY AT ALL!

The One with the Stain [8.07][edit]

Chandler: Brenda, a bee! Yes! it's flown into your blouse and you'd better undo your buttons lest it sting you!

Phoebe: No, don't tear out your eye!!

The One with the Stripper [8.08][edit]

Rachel: I got TiVo!
Dr. Green: What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant.

Phoebe: I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I'm really busy that day. I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah. 

The One with the Rumor [8.09][edit]

Monica: Just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.
Joey: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals!
Joey: No, they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious! Besides, eating them is a tradition. It goes back to the very first Thanksgiving when the Indians sat down with the cowboys!
Rachel : Oh, right, that's when they had that big rodeo at Plymouth Rock!
Monica: It's not just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry!
Joey: She is?
Rachel: Yeah! Don't you remember? I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?
Joey: Yeah, but I thought it was just because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table!
Monica: It just doesn't seem worth it to make an entire turkey for just three people, okay? It's a lot of work!
Joey: But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving with no turkey is like 4th of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!
Monica: All right, fine, if it means that much to you! But there's gonna be a ton left over!
Joey: No, there won't! I promise, I will finish that turkey!
Monica: Okay, you're telling me that you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?
Joey: That's right! 'Cause I'm a Tribbiani, and this is what we do! We may be not great thinkers, or world leaders, we don't read a lot, or run very fast... but damn it, we can eat!

[Everyone is watching Joey finish off the turkey.]
Joey: Well, that’s it. I’m done. Whew! [wipes his forehead] There come the meat sweats. [Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.]
Monica: Well, Joey, we’re all... we’re all very proud of you.
Chandler: Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.
Phoebe: Is there anything we can do for you?
Joey: No, just nobody press on my stomach.
Rachel: You can keep those pants, by the way.
[Joey notices that Monica has a pie.]
Joey: Whoa—hey—wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?
Monica: Yeah. You want some?
Joey: Ah, just cut me a little sliver.
[Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.]
Joey: A little bigger.
[Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.]
Joey: Little bigger.
[Monica moves the knife again.]
Joey: What? Are you afraid you’re gonna run out? Cut me a real piece!

The One with Rachel's Boots [8.10][edit]

[Chandler baby-talks to Rachel's belly.]
Phoebe: How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?
Rachel: He's talking to the baby.
Phoebe: Oh! Okay! Okay, 'cause when — when he said "I can't wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There's a trick!"

Trudie Styler: Look, I've just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here.
Phoebe: The Police, here? A reunion?

Ross: Phoebe, you can't force kids to be friends.
Phoebe: Sure you can! Just give em some blocks, put 'em in a playpen.
Ross: Blocks? Phoebe, Ben's seven.
Phoebe: Your kid's seven? He's really small!

Phoebe: (About the concert tickets) Ooh, where are the seats?
Ross: Uh, middle balcony.
Phoebe: Okay, now would you say that that's more than 50 yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Then that's not breaking the law! I'm there!

Ross: Well it turns out that Ben and Sting's son do not get along.
Phoebe: How come?!
Ross: Apparently, Sting's son made fun of the fact that Ben's moms are "lesbinims."

Ross: Hey, I uh just picked up Ben from school...
Chandler: (Looking around) I don't think you did a very thorough job!

The One with Ross's Step Forward [8.11][edit]

Ross: Mona, I love you.
Mona: Awwh! And I love spending time with you!

Phoebe: Ross, How did the conversation go ?
Ross: Great. I live on the street.
Phoebe: Where ?

The One Where Joey Dates Rachel [8.12][edit]

[Phoebe plays Ms. Pacman, her wedding gift to Monica and Chandler.]
Monica: Oh, my, Phoebe, you are on fire!
Phoebe: I know!
Chandler: One more score to go. You can do it! [touches Phoebe's shoulder]
Phoebe: Don't touch me.
Monica: [To Joey] Don't touch her!
Joey: All right. Go left, go left, go right, go right!
Phoebe: I can't, I can't [she loses] NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You son of a bi-!
[Ben comes in with Ross. Epic music swells, drowning out Phoebe's 90-second curse-rant while Chandler covers his ears, Monica puts her hand on her forehead and Ross trying to cover Ben's ears in despair.]
Ross: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Oh, hi, Ben. No, don't look at the machine!

The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath [8.13][edit]

[The gang is discussing possible names for Rachel's baby]
Phoebe: OK, for a girl: Phoebe; and for a boy: Phoebo.

Rachel: How about: for a girl, Rain?
Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."
Phoebe: I know her!

The One with the Secret Closet [8.14][edit]

Joey: I once saw this movie where there was a door, and nobody knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open, millions and MILLIONS of bugs came POURING out, and they feasted on human flesh! [Looks at door nervously] You know, IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO RESPECT YOUR WIFE'S PRIVACY!

Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Yeah. Oh, wait, I'm not a 9-year-old girl.
Joey: Then why do you throw like one?

The One with the Birthing Video [8.15][edit]

Chandler: Why have I seen this thing three times?!

Rachel: Will you guys stop? Giving birth is one of the most..[Sees the video and screams]... Oh my... why is that child torturing that lady???

Rachel: I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
Monica: Poor Ross. (Monica and Chandler run over to the window to spy on Ross)
Chandler: Great. We have to watch him doing yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes.

The One Where Joey Tells Rachel [8.16][edit]

Joey: I... I think I'm falling in love with you.
Monica:[After a moment] Who you talking to?

Monica: Joey isn't even thinking Bout going after Rachel. All he is thinking about is how you are taking this. I mean it's completely freaking him out. He's talking about moving to Vermont.
Ross: Why?
Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.

The One with The Tea Leaves [8.17][edit]

Monica: [Browsing through their CD's] Honey, the Miami Vice Soundtrack, really?
Chandler: They were just giving those away at the store... in exchange for money.

Chandler: Honey, we are so meant to be. Look, we both have copies of the Annie soundtrack!
Monica: Honey? Both yours.

The One in Massapequa [8.18][edit]

Phoebe: Well, if you're gonna get to know him then you'd better do it now.
Joey: Why?
Phoebe: Because I'm gonna kill him.
Joey: What? Why?
Phoebe: You guys were right, Parker's too excited about everything. I mean I'm all for living, but come on, this is the Geller's 35th wedding anniversary, let's call a spade a spade, this party stinks!
Joey: I know, I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, then when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!
Phoebe: Really? Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?
Joey: I dunno, I guess it could've been. I didn't really look at it. I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell outta there.

Chandler:[About Parker] Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.

Parker: My God, I don't want to forget this moment! It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all. Click!
Chandler: I don't think the flash went off.

Parker: Is something wrong?
Phoebe: Wrong? Really, you know the word wrong? Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical and aglow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!
Parker: Well, excuse me for trying to put a positive spin on a traffic jam!

Parker: I'm a positive person!
Phoebe: No. I'm a positive person. You are like Santa Claus...on Disneyland...getting laid!
Parker: Well then, to quote Ross, "I better be going!"
Phoebe: Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on the way out!

The One with Joey's Interview [8.19][edit]

[Joey is reluctant to do another Soap Opera Digest interview because the previous one got him fired.]
Joey: Who knows what I might say this time?
Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say!
Joey: Fine, all right, I'll do it. But, hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid!
Ross: Just then, or — or all the time, 'cause... we have jobs, you know.

Joey: In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for kids.
Interviewer: A "mento"?
Joey: You know, a mento. A role model.
Interviewer: A men-to.
Joey: Right.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: As a matter of fact, I do.

The One with the Baby Shower [8.20][edit]

Phoebe: Chandler, why are you all hot and sweaty?
Chandler: I just Bamboozled Joey!
[Rachel looks confused.]
Chandler: Which isn't a sexual thing.

Ross: Look, I have a son. And his mother and I didn’t live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.
Rachel: That’s true. You do have another child.
Ross: Yeah.
Mrs. Green: With another woman. Have you no control Ross?

The One with the Cooking Class [8.21][edit]

Monica: Hey Joey, come taste this.
Joey: What is it?
Monica: Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well… [Feeds him a spoonful of what she’s cooking] I’m getting my revenge!
Joey: You cooked him?

Phoebe: Well, the interview…
Chandler: What about it?
Phoebe: Y’know! You don’t make a very good first impression.
Chandler: [shocked] What?!
Phoebe: Oh you don’t know.
Chandler: Are you serious?!
Phoebe: Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!
Chandler: What is it that I do?
Phoebe: Well it’s just like you’re trying too hard. Always making jokes, y’know, you just—You come off a little needy.
Chandler: [To Rachel] Did you like me when we first met?
Rachel: Chandler, I’m not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. [Gets up and hurries out]

Joey: Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that’s the first A I’ve gotten since seventh grade, and I didn’t have to sleep with the teacher this time.
Monica: Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?
Joey: What the hell!
Monica: Okay.
[They enter]
The Acting Teacher: All right, let’s start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between frontstage and backstage is?
[No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly]
Joey: Yeah, this was a stupid idea. [Exits]

The One Where Rachel Is Late [8.22][edit]

Rachel: Seriously, Ross, breathe louder, that's great.
Ross: Y'know, We should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half-human, half-pure evil!

Rachel: Hi Dr. Long, how are you?
Ross: (To Rachel) Oh, you're nice to her.
Rachel: She has the drugs!

Ross: (Gets up out of his chair) Sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here.
Rachel: You. Like you haven't done enough!

Rachel: But you will, you will be performing a service. Okay? Just think of me as a ketchup bottle. Ya know you sometimes you have to bang on the end of it just to get something to come out.
Ross: I love when you talk dirty to me.

Ross: This is insane! I'm not gonna make love to you just so you'll go into labor!
Rachel: Make love? What are you, a girl?
Ross: A great way to get into a man's pants.

The One Where Rachel Has the Baby: Part 1 [8.23][edit]

Rachel: How may centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!

Rachel: Stupid metric system!

The One Where Rachel Has the Baby: Part 2 [8.24][edit]

[Rachel is giving birth]
Monica: I can't believe this is taking so long. How're you doing?
Rachel: Not bad. You know that feeling where you try to blow a St. Bernard out your ass?
Chandler: And soon someone will call her "Mom."

[Rachel is giving birth]
Ross: Let's go - one more time - one final push. Ready? 1... 2... 3!
[Rachel pushes really hard and jerks her head forward hitting Ross in the head. He falls down]
Ross: Keep pushing!
Rachel: Are you okay?
Ross:[Slowly getting up] You have no idea how much this hurts!
[Rachel and Dr. Long stare at him]
Ross: Keep going! Keep going!

Season 9[edit]

The One Where No One Proposes [9.01][edit]

Phoebe: You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.
Ross: What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?
Phoebe: Oh, please. Just before, when you were asleep in the lounge. That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.

Ross: I didn't give her that ring!
Phoebe: You didn't?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: So whose ring is it?
Ross: It's mine!
Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross: Yes.
Phoebe: But you didn't give it to her?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: But you were going to propose?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: Huh! I might be losing interest in this.

The One Where Emma Cries [9.02][edit]

Rachel: Mon, what am I gonna do? It's been hours and it won't stop crying.
Rachel: "She," Rachel. Not "it." She.
Rachel: Yeah. I'm not so sure.

[Phoebe is reading a book on how to stop a baby from crying.]
Phoebe: We've tried feeding, drinking and diaper changing. Oh, here's something: "Go back in time and listen to Phoebe."

[Chandler is begging to Elaine to not make him go to Tulsa.]
Chandler: Oh I love Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven, Tulsa is Italy, please don't make me go there!

The One with the Pediatrician [9.03][edit]

Rachel: I wonder why Ross said that he died?
Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
Chandler: He saw a therapist?
Monica: He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.
Rachel: Wow, what was it?
Monica: That I was going to eat him.

Phoebe: [Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.
Joey: [Stifles a laugh]
Phoebe: I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.
Joey: [Bursts out laughing] AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The One with the Sharks [9.04][edit]

Ross: And I ended up telling him that...
Phoebe: What?
Ross: You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.
Phoebe: What? Why?
Ross: Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Monica: Why don't you sit down... get yourself comfortable... because I have a little surprise for you.
Chandler: Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in NYC!
Monica: Okay, this is how much I love you.
[Monica plays a shark documentary and rolls over Chandler's side, while Chandler gets a confused look]
Chandler: Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?
Monica: Oh, is, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something... toothier?
Chandler: No, I'm just not sure that y-you got the right movie, that's all.
Monica: Oh. Well this is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called "Crocodile Killers"... or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler: Does what always have to be sharks?
Monica: Honey! We-- look, we could do something else. D-Do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: It's okay. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.
Chandler: Let me be a part of this!

The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner [9.05][edit]

[Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment, with baby Emma inside.]
Rachel: Oh, no! What if she jumps out the of the basinet!
Ross: Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.
Rachel: Oh, my...! I left the water running!
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please just...just pull yourself together okay?
Rachel: Did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996!
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and —
Ross: Oh, my, you know what, I think you're right! I think — you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!
Rachel: [beat] Girl, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Phoebe: Pick up the sock, pick up the sock, PICK UP THE SOOOOOOOOOCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! [Her friends stare at her, scared] I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-di-did my little "outburst" blunt the HIDEOUSNESS that is this evening?!

The One with the Male Nanny [9.06][edit]

Monica: Really? That scientist guy?
Phoebe: Really? Chandler?

Monica: Well, you're different funny. You're more sarcastic and well, he does fits and impressions and limericks.
Chandler: I can do limericks. 'There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside!'

The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song [9.07][edit]

[Ross is talking to Emma on the couch]
Ross: And that's why, no matter what Mommy says, we really were on a break! Yes we were, yes we were! [picks up the baby] Oh, you're the cutest little baby ever! You're just a little bitty baby, but you got big beautiful eyes, a big round belly, and a big baby butt! [sighs] I like big butts. [sings the first few lines of "Baby Got Back." Emma starts laughing.] Oh, my, you're laughing! You've never done that before! Daddy made you laugh! Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot! You want to hear more? [sings another line and Emma laughs again] I'm a terrible father!

Ross: Guess what? Emma laughed today!
Rachel: What? And I missed it 'cause I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? What'd you do to get her to laugh?
Ross: Well, I sang... I rapped... 'Baby Got Back'.
Rachel: What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
Ross: Well... if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can... [Sees how angry Rachel is] Please don't take her away from me.

Chandler: No, no we're not together. We're not a couple- we're definitely not a couple.
Saleswoman: Oh! Sorry.
Joey: Wow, you, uh, you seem pretty insulted by that. What, I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna have this conversation again.

Ross: You sang "Baby Got Back," didn't you?
Rachel: Nothing else works, this girl is all about the ass!

Joey: Ooh, a tape with a girl's name on it, it's probably a sex tape. But this tape says "Monica." And this is Richard's apartment.
Chandler: Get there faster!

Rachel: (About Emma laughing at "Baby Got Back") Oh, Emma, you're laughing! Oh, you are, you really do like big butts, don't you? You beautiful little weirdo!

The One with Rachel's Other Sister [9.08][edit]

[Monica and Phoebe greet Amy]
Monica So, welcome! Uh, is this the first time you're seeing Emma?
Amy: Yeah, I-I think so. [to Phoebe ] It's nice to meet you, Emma. [Amy holds out her hand to Phoebe]
Phoebe: [she shakes Amy's hand and corrects her] Phoebe.
Amy: Oh, that's a funny noise.

Amy: I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of "Emily".
Ross: Emma.
Amy: [to Phoebe] Emma, Ross wants you.
Phoebe: PHOEBE!
Amy: [whispers to Ross] Why does she keep making that noise?

Amy: You know, this is classic Rachel!
Rachel: Yeah, right! Remember in high school, when I died and didn't give you my baby?
Amy: This might be my one chance to have a child. You know that I've been busy focusing on my career.
Rachel: What career?
Amy: I'm a decorator!
Rachel: You decorate Dad's office and you're a decorator! Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday. Now I'm a koala bear!
Amy: Why can't you be supportive?
Rachel: You want to talk supportive? You didn't come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby!
Amy: You didn't come and see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done!
Rachel: I did the first time! And do you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?
Ross: It's Emma.
Rachel: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?! [to Amy] I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responsibility of a child!
Amy: How hard could it be? You do it! [Joey laughs but stops when everyone stares at him.] You want to know why you don't want me to have the baby? Because you don't want me to be happy! You have always been jealous of me!
Rachel: Of what? Your lack of responsibility? Your immaturity? Your total disregard for other peoples' feelings?
Amy: To name a few! You were always like this. You have to have everything and I couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy, do you realize how much that hurt me?
Rachel: [now suddenly hysterical] TIMMY WAS MY BOYFRIEND AND YOU MADE OUT WITH HIM.
Amy: Oh, Come on. That 20 years ago, Get over it.

[Chandler is livid at a china plate being broken.]
Chandler: All right, that's it!! This is our apartment and you can't behave this way! If you can't act your age, you shouldn't be here at all! Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're important to Monica! And I want you to apologize to her right now!
Amy: I'm sorry.
Rachel: I'm so sorry!
Chandler: That's better! Now I want you to apologize to each other, and mean it!
[The sisters apologize to each other.]
Chandler: By the way, that fight was totally arousing!
[The girls glare at Chandler and walk away.]
Ross: [to Chandler] Well done! If I die, Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma!
Chandler: Really? Thanks!
Ross: So... now do I get Joey?
Chandler: Okay. But you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose!

Rachel and Ross: (Knock on the door) Who is it?
Amy: It's your favorite sister!
Rachel and Ross: Jill?
Amy: Amy!
Rachel: Hide my rings!

Rachel: Emma, this is your first thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?
Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.

The One with Rachel's Phone Number [9.09][edit]

[Rachel gave Bill her phone number.]
Rachel: Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my, he's gone!
Phoebe: "Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my, he's gone." Dead on.

Monica: Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.
Chandler: Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? [Monica looks at him strangely] I heard it!

The One with Christmas in Tulsa [9.10][edit]

Phoebe: And I heard him say, as he flew out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"
Joey: Wow, you really wrote that?
Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: Wendy's a fat girls name.
Phoebe: Are we still on that?
Monica: No, you're right. Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about snow. Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband's having sex on a copying machine?

The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work [9.11][edit]

[Chandler is practicing advertising slogans.]
Chandler: How hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"
Monica: I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."
Chandler: Honey? Leave it to the pros.

Chandler: Phones: bringing you closer to people...who have phones.
Monica: "Marriage. It's not for everybody."

The One with Phoebe's Rats [9.12][edit]

Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those couples who let our rat babies control our lives?

Monica: [about Emma's new nanny, Molly] What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.

The One Where Monica Sings [9.13][edit]

Ross: Ya, ho.. ya. OK, sure, look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?
Chandler: Sure, just gimme a second to get all huffy and weird like you. *harrumphing* Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do, I mean come on!

The One with the Blind Dates [9.14][edit]

Chandler: Today is the 6th.
Monica: No. [Shows Chandler a calendar]
Chandler: Yes. It's also 2003.
Monica: That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!

Monica: [On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?
Rachel: No, why?
Monica: Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!
Rachel: [Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!
Monica: [Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]
Monica: [To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!
Joey: Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!
Monica: No, we weren't.
Joey: Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?
Chandler: [Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.
Joey: Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]
Monica: You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!
Joey: Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
Monica and Chandler: No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.
Joey: Hey, I gotta. Unless...
Chandler: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your first-born child Joey.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey: [Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me?
Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.
Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes. (Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the window.) Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working. (Joey does the "plan-laugh.") Don't, don't do the plan-laugh.

Ross: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Ross: Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.

Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again. (Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.) Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run!
Joey: Where?
Phoebe: Mexico!
[They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.]

The One with the Mugging [9.15][edit]

Phoebe: Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
Monica: Your mother killed herself!
Phoebe: She was a drug dealer!

Chandler: [walking in the door] Honey, I'm old.
Monica: I didn't know you were coming home from lunch. Can I get you anything?
Chandler: Sure, a tube of polident. Some Depends. Birthday wishes from Willard Scott.

The One with The Boob Job [9.16][edit]

[Rachel tries to install baby-proofing things in the apartment.]
Rachel: Are you saying that women can't do it?
Joey: Women can do it; you can't.
Rachel: Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?
Monica: [to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.
Rachel: Well, I found the hardware store by myself!
Joey: The hardware store's just down the street.
Rachel: There's a hardware store down the street?

[Monica and Chandler each borrow money from Joey, forcing him to lie to them both until they find out.]
Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
Joey: Because she is!
Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
Joey: Mm-hmm! For your boob job!
Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over, Joe!
Joey: Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

The One with the Memorial Service [9.17][edit]

Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... [reads from the screen] "gay as the day is long"?
Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true.

Ross: I'm dead and no one cares.
Monica: I look like a man!
Chandler: Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.

The One with the Lottery [9.18][edit]

[The friends are about to arrange the lottery tickets, in a bowl at the breakfast table]
Monica: Okay, alright, here we go. So, we need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. So, does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] Okay, how about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.
Rachel: [raising her hand] Ooh, I have another idea.
Monica: I'm sorry, idea time is over.
Phoebe: Okay, well, are all of the tickets in the bowl?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: What about the ones you have on the nightstand?
Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand.
Chandler: Yes, there are, I just saw them a few minutes ago.
[Rachel goes to the nightstand to investigate]
Monica: [uncomfortably] No, you didn't. You must be mistaken.
Chandler: Honey, there are like twenty tickets on the nightstand.
Monica: Chandler, sense the tone!
[Rachel returns with a bunch of tickets in her hand]
Rachel: Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]
Monica: Okay, fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler.
Phoebe: [gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.
Ross: I can't believe this. I thought we were all in this together.
Monica: You just got in five minutes ago!
Ross: Three minutes ago! I don't know why that's important...
Joey: I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut. When did you get those?
Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic.
Joey: [sniggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how.
Rachel: Okay, well, Monica, suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and you lose all your friends?
Monica: Please. If I win the lottery, you guys are not going to leave me. Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of ya for three days!
Rachel: Chandler, would you just tell her that what she did was wrong?
Chandler: [turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look like I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles, so SCREW YOU, THE TICKETS ARE OURS! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]
Monica: [jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]
Rachel: Alright, believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from us!
Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah. And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!
Rachel: Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets!
Joey: [snatches the bowl from Rachel] Yeah, I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf! Ha-Haǃ
Ross: [snatches the bowl from Joey] Then, I want mine, too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!
Phoebe: [tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!
Monica: No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!
Joey: Hey, heyǃ If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea! [snatches the bowl]
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the LOTTERY!

Ross: If we're going to do that, we should probably call me Daddy, too.
Phoebe: I like that, Daddy.
Ross: I, uh, I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe: Oh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy going to spank me?
Ross: Well, that depends. Have you been a bad g-- No, I can't.

The One with Rachel's Dream [9.19][edit]

Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: [Browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [Enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!

Phoebe: [playing guitar and singing] And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Olè! [Olé is spanish, but anyway..., and they speak Spanish in Agentina, but anyway...]

Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
Chandler: OK, how about this? [Picks up the remote control]
Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!
Chandler: Yes, but the batteries...
[Ross claps his hands]
Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much!
Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy!
Chandler: No!
Ross: At least tell me where you hid it.

Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! [Sits down at the table]
Monica: [Without looking up from what she's doing] Besides tampons and salt? [;;Then looks] Ooh! My...! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. [Opens the box] That's weird... it's empty!
[Then Ross enters]
Ross: [Sounds excited] Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out... or... ? [Looks around the room nervously] do you... do you guys hear a buzzing?

Phoebe: Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!
Monica: Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!
Phoebe: I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!
Monica: It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!
Phoebe: [disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]
Rachel: [After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...
Phoebe: [Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!
Rachel: We're still on that!
Monica: I didn't say that!
Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
Monica: Tiny portions?!
Phoebe: "Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"
Monica: It's not about quantity!
Phoebe: It's not about quality!
Monica: You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!
Phoebe: At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!
Monica: So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!
Phoebe: Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?
Monica: [Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!
Phoebe: What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!

The One with The Soap Opera Party [9.20][edit]

Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.
Rachel: All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...
[Joey walks in]
Rachel: Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?
Monica: What the hell are you cooking?

The One with the Fertility Test [9.21][edit]

[Phoebe is about to give Rachel a massage]
Phoebe: [in a fake Swedish accent] Hello, ya! It's time for your massage, ya! Put your face in the hole!
Rachel: Oh, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person!
Phoebe: Then I'm Swedish!
Rachel: What's your name?
Phoebe: A normal Swedish name...Ikea.
Rachel: What an interesting name. You know, I...
Phoebe: [interrupts her and pushes her head down] Time for your scalp massage!
Rachel: [sees Phoebe's shoes through the hole] Wow! I really love- [gasps loudly]
Phoebe: Is something wrong?
Rachel: No, it just...feels so good...Ikea! You'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?
Phoebe: Stockholm.
Rachel: [to herself] Damn, I wish I knew if that was right!

Phoebe: [singing] Ipan stripan glupi glapi! And that's the Swedish National Anthem, thank you for asking!
Rachel: Wow, what a rich culture! You know, I have a friend who's a masseuse!
Phoebe: Oh, ya!
Rachel: She's not very good, though!
Phoebe: And why do you think that is?
Rachel: I don't know! Maybe because she's got callousy fingers from playing a crummy guitar!
Phoebe: Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass!
Rachel: [turns up] PHOEBE!!
Phoebe: You know it's me?
Rachel: For a half-hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
Phoebe: How can you come here?
Rachel: How can you not tell me you work here?
Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything!
Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe: Tips not included.
Rachel: Why did you lie to me about working here?
Phoebe: I was ashamed! I sold out for the cash! They give me benefits like medical and dental and a 401! But you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge, punching a clock, and paying taxes!
Rachel: If you hate it, you should walk out there and quit! Be true to what you believe in! You have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
Phoebe: You're right, I am going to quit! It's time I took my life back!
Rachel: Good for you, Pheebs!
[Phoebe leaves the room, then looks up at the ceiling and whispers]
Phoebe: If you guys had microphones in there, I didn't mean that! I love you!

The One with the Donor [9.22][edit]

Dr. Connelly: Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great, you never know. So keep having sex on a regular basis.
Chandler: [sarcastically] Oh, dammit!
[Dr. Connelly stares at him, confused]
Monica: Don't worry; after a while, you'll tune it out.

The One in Barbados: Part 1 [9.23][edit]

[At Ross´s Conference]
Ross: But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...
[Joey laughs]
Charlie: What?
Joey: He said "erectus"!
Charlie: You're... you're kidding, right?
Joey: No, he really said it.
Ross: ... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...
[Rachel laughs]
Joey: Erectus?
Rachel: Homo.

Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.
Chandler: [Smiling cheekily] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" [Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats] "I do".
Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.
Monica: What? [Looks very shocked] Why?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one!

The One in Barbados: Part 2 [9.24][edit]

[Ross is giving a speech]
Ross:... is thought to be separate species from homo erectus
[Rachel giggles]
Joey: Erectus?
Rachel: [still laughing] Homo.

Monica: Everyone is leaving the here with someone else but us!
Chandler: That's not true, I came here with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al.

Season 10[edit]

The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss [10.01][edit]

Chandler: Now that I've untangled you, how about you do something for me?
Monica: What do you have in mind?
Chandler: I think you know.
Monica: I really don't feel like it!
Chandler: This is what I want to do.
Monica: All right! I just don't see why you like it so much!
Chandler: [holding up 'Miss Congeniality' tape] She's an FBI agent posing as a beauty contestant!

[Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are listening to Charlie and Ross through the wall of the hotel room]
Chandler: She's turning on the TV, it's Miss Congeniality!.
Monica: Babe, if you know it through a wall, you know it too well.

The One Where Ross Is Fine [10.02][edit]

Ross: Fajitas! Be careful. Very hot plate, very hot!
Rachel: Ross, you don't even have oven mitts on!
Ross: [laughs] That is gonna hurt tomorrow!

Ross:Ah, love. L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?
Rachel: [to Joey and Charlie] Oh my, are we supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it. That you two are together. And now one day you might get married and have children of your own.

Ross': (To Rachel and Joey) You know what we should do?!
Rachel: Calm ourselves?

Ross: I'm fine! Hey, I'm great! I'm just, I'm just proud of us. There's no weirdness, no tension.
Rachel: No awareness.

Ross: (About the timer ringing) I don't even know what that's for.

Rachel: Okay, well, we brought you some wine.
Ross: Oh! That is so thoughtful. (To Joey) She's a keeper. And what did you bring me?

(Grabs the bag that Charlie brought for Joey)

Joey: Uh actually, that's...
Ross: Underwear, a toothbrush, and Van Halen CD. I can use all these things!

Rachel: Ross, say something. Anything.
Ross: So you two are...?
Joey and Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: And have you...?
Joey: No, no, no!
Rachel: No, no, no!
Ross: But if I hadn't walked in here, would you...?
Joey: Probably.

(Rachel looks at him)

Joey: No, no!

Joey: (To Rachel) Dude, chill! (To Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie.
Rachel: (To Ross) Yeah, you started it! I've got to chill.

Joey: Okay, Ross, I realize that you didn't expect to walk in and see that, but... Let me explain, okay?
Rachel: We weren't doing anything!
Joey: Rach, he just saw us.
Rachel: Shhh.

Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is good.
Rachel: Well, maybe the next batch, we could all get some.

Ross: I would like to make a toast to Rachel and Joey.
Rachel: Ooy.
Ross: And to love. Ah, love. (Spelling out the word) L-O-V-E, love. L is for life. And what is life without love?
Rachel: Oh my God, are we supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for "oh, wow!" The V is for this very surprising turn of events, which I'm still fine with by the way. E is for how extremely normal I find it that you two are together. And that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
Joey: Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally.
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem okay.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some flan.

The One with Ross' Tan [10.03][edit]

[Joey and Chandler are discussing Joey's impending date with Rachel.]
Chandler: Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?
Joey: Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.
Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?
Joey: It's okay!

Rachel: But do you think that maybe, on some level, you don't want to take off my bra?
Joey: No, I don't have another level.

Rachel: (About Ross's tan) What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?

Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy. You go into the booth and you count to five.
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: One, two, three...
Ross: Damn it!

Rachel: Thanks for dinner!
Joey: I thought you paid! I guess we won't be going back there!

Ross: (To Monica) How do you get so tan?
Chandler: She goes to one of those spray-on tan places ...
Ross: (To Monica) You got a spray on tan?
Monica: Chandler gets pedicures!
Ross: You do?! Like with the toe separators?
Chandler: (To Monica) Why? Why?

Monica: (The phone is ringing) No, no, don't get it. Let the machine pick up.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Could be Rachel asking if someone could babysit again.
Monica: It could be Amanda!
Phoebe: Oh, you're right! I was just kidding about Rachel. Babysitting is a gas!

The One with the Cake [10.04][edit]

Ross: Is Emma awake yet?
Rachel: It's still nap time. She'll be up soon.
Ross: Where's Joey?
Rachel: I said, it's still nap time.
[Joey awakes from his nap.]
Ross: There's Uncle Joey! Say something to Emma for her 18th birthday!
Joey: [starts to turn on his charm for the camera] 18, huh?
Ross: [switches off the camera] NO!
Joey: It's for her hot friends!
Ross: When they see this you'll be 52!
Joey: And starting to think about settling down!

Rachel: Ross, don't forget to take a shot of Emma's cake. It's in a box in the fridge.
Ross: Sure.
Rachel: [to Monica] You're going to love this cake! I got from from a bakery in New Jersey, Carino's!
Monica: That place has the creamiest frosting! I used to hitchhike there when I was a kid!
Rachel: Well, they make make these great novelty cakes in different shapes; and if you give them a photo, they'll copy it in icing!
Monica: Did you do a picture of Emma?
Rachel: On a cake shaped like a bunny!
Ross: Does this bakery by any chance bake erotic cakes, for bachelorette parties?
Rachel: What are you talking? -OH, MY...! They put my baby's face on a penis!
[Everyone rushes to see the cake.]
Phoebe: Now it's a party!
Rachel: This is not funny! If I wanted this cake to be a disaster, I would have baked it myself!
Joey: Is it okay that I still think it looks delicious?
Judy: Jack, look at this!
Jack: I know what you're thinking! The resemblance is uncanny!
[Everyone turns to look at Ross]
Ross: [angry] I am THIS close to tugging on my testicles again!!
Rachel: [on the phone] No, this is NOT what I ordered! I drove to New Jersey to get my daughter a cake for her birthday and I need a bunny cake right now!
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster to cut the baby's face off the penis and put it on the bunny. [to himself] That is a weird sentence.
Rachel: [on the phone with the bakery] Oh, believe you me, I am going to bring this cake back. I don't even want it in my home... JOEY, DON'T TOUCH IT!
Joey: I'm so confused!
Rachel: I still want my daughter's face on a cake, but a bunny cake! Yellow cake, chocolate frosting with nuts!
Chandler: To be fair, this one does have nuts.

The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits [10.05][edit]

Charlie: [to Ross] Hey, I have some time, if you wanna... [smiles seductively]
Ross: Oh, I'd love to, but I really have to grade these papers.
Charlie: Fine, I'll just shower by myself...
Ross: [frenzied scribbling] B, B, B!
Charlie: Uh, Ross, you just gave a B to a Pottery Barn catalog.
Ross: It had some good ideas. Take off your shirt.

Joey: Finished my recommendation, and I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I've ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.
Chandler: I don't... understand
Joey: Some of the words a little too sophisticated for you?
Monica: It doesn't make any sense.
Joey: Of course it does. It's smart. I used a thesaurus.
Chandler: On every word?
Joey: Yep!
Monica: What was this sentence originally?
Joey: Oh, "They're warm, nice people with big hearts."
Chandler: And that became, "They're humid, prepossessing Homo sapiens with full-sized aortic pumps."
Joey: And hey, I really mean it, dude.
Monica: Uh, Joey, I don't think we can use this.
Joey: Why not?
Monica: Well, because you signed it "Baby Kangaroo" Tribbiani.

Ross: Did Molly say what she had? Because my throat's been hurting.
Rachel: Menstrual cramps.
Ross: I don't think that's what this is.

Amy: Nana is on the phone.
Rachel: Oh! That's interesting, since she died seven years ago!
Amy: She did? Who got her condo in Boca?

Rachel: (About Emma) You pierced her ears?
Amy: Doesn't it make her nose look smaller?

Ross: (About Amy babysitting Emma) She can't babysit her.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: Well for one she keeps calling her Ella!
Rachel: Well, Ella is a nice name.
Ross: Fine, we'll call the next one Ella!
Rachel: (Stunned) What? The next one?!

The One with Ross' Grant [10.06][edit]

Charlie: Wait, are you talking about the Dewar grant?
Ross: Yeah, why?
Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.
Ross: Your ex-boyfriend?
Charlie: Yeah.
Ross: So your ex-boyfriend is going to determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed.

Benjamin: Well, yes and no. Yes, I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it.

The One With the Home Study [10.07][edit]

[Phoebe and Mike are planning their wedding.]
Ross: There's no way around it, Pheebs. You just got to accept the fact that this is going to cost you a lot of money.
Mike: I heard that weddings are, like, a 40 billion dollar a year industry.
Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just, like, half of that.

Monica: [to the adoption agent] We're so glad you're here. We're really excited about getting this process started.
Chandler: Because we love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That's just a figure of speech. We love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.

The One with the Late Thanksgiving [10.08][edit]

Chandler: Look! Look what the-Look what the floating heads did!
Monica: I don't care.
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica: That was the adoption agency.
Chandler: And?
Monica: We're getting a baby!
Chandler: ARE YOU SERIOUS?! [They embrace]

Monica: Did you at least get the pies?
Phoebe: Pies!?! We thought you said prize!
[Hands Monica Emma's trophy]
Monica: Grand Supreme Little Darling?
Rachel: Con-grat-u-la-tions!!!

The One with the Birth Mother [10.09][edit]


[Ross enters the cafe house wearing Rachel's shirt]
Ross: So, what do you think?
Joey: I think were not wearing the same shirt anymore!
Joey: Dude, I don't think you should be wearing that.
Ross: Oh, I see. Somebody's afraid of a little competition with the ladies?
Joey: It looks like someone is the ladies!

The One Where Chandler Gets Caught [10.10][edit]

[The friends and Emma are at Central Perk and Monica is enjoying a piece of chocolate cake.]
Monica: Mmmm...this cake is amazing!
Rachel: [repulsed] Get a room!
Monica: I would get a room with this cake. I could show this cake a good time!
Phoebe: If you had to, what would you give up? Food or sex?
Monica: [quickly] Sex.
Chandler: [unimpressed] Seriously, answer faster!
Monica: I'm sorry! When she said sex I wasn't thinking about sex with you!
Chandler: [still feeling hurt] It's like a giant hug!
Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Which would you give up? Sex or food?
Ross: [quickly] Food!
Phoebe: How about sex or dinosaurs?
Ross: [in a state of uncertainty] My...! It's like Sophie's Choice!
Rachel: What about you Joe? What would you give up? Sex or food?
Joey: [after thinking] I don't know, it's too hard!
Rachel: No, you have to pick one!
Joey: [quickly] Food! No, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Sex...I don't know, I want both! I want girls on bread!

Monica: So, what'd you think of the house?
Chandler: It's perfect! It's everything we've been looking for!
Monica: Isn't it? And what about the amazing wainscoting and the crown molding and the dormer windows in the attic?
Chandler: And the wigglewoms and the zipzorps?... What were the things you said?

Ross: We think Chandler might be having an affair.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street, and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.
Phoebe: They went in together. I'm so sorry.
Monica: Oh, my... oh, my, that's awful... What did you think of the house?
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Monica, you understand what we're saying, right?
Monica: Yeah... sure... I'm... devastated, obviously!... Did you think the neighborhood was homey?
[Chandler enters]
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: You son of a bitch.
Chandler: Is it me, or have the greetings really gone downhill around here?

The One Where the Stripper Cries [10.11][edit]

[On the game show Pyramid, Joey's partner Gene gets the word "cream."]
Gene: You put this in your coffee.
Joey: A spoon! Your hands! Your face!
Gene: It's white.
Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
Gene: It's heavier than milk.
Joey: A rock! A dog! The earth!
Gene: Pass! [Gene gets the word mayonnaise] You put this in a sandwich.
Joey: Salami! Anchovies! Jam!
Gene: It's white.
Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
Gene: It's made from eggs.
Joey: Chickens?

Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
Ross: Well, then, who was on my bed?
Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: [pause, then it hits] No! No! No!
Monica: YESǃ!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I WAS the pile of coats!
Ross: OH, MY GOD!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?ǃ
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?ǃ
Chandler: What did I marry into?ǃ

The One with Phoebe's Wedding [10.12][edit]

Chandler: [When he finds out he won't be in the wedding] I can't believe this it's like figure skating team all over again. I mean synchronized swimming, I mean the balance beam - help me!
Ross: Football!
Chandler: Thank you!

Phoebe: And... moment's over! [Rachel, Joey and Chandler all turn and look disapprovingly towards Monica but she just shrugs it off] So, ok, uh, I can forget that. I can forget that and uhm... [She's flipping cards, skipping half of them] Oh this is funny! Oh, but you need to know that to... that, to... Oh, ok, well, uhm, I [Monica is miming CUT] Ok, ok, I, ok, I.... [Yells at Monica]MONICA I CAN'T DO IT LIKE THIS! THIS IS MY WEDDING! OKAY, I DON'T WANT THIS [she mimes Monica's when she was twirling her hands] OR THIS [She taps her watch] OR THIS [she mimes CUT] OK? I JUST WANTED A SIMPLE WEDDING! WHERE MY FIANCEE CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM ANYTIME HE WANTS! [Pause] You know what? You're done.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: YOU'RE FIRED! [Pause and she raises her glass] Cheers!

The One Where Joey Speaks French [10.13][edit]

Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex, just do it!
Ross: You're mad at me about last night? I was trying to do the right thing!
Rachel: Really? Well, if you had done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed. I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!
Ross: Well...
Rachel: Stop that!!
Ross: I can't believe this! I was being a good guy! I treated you with respect and understanding!
Rachel: [sarcastically] That's so hot!
Ross: I was looking out for you!
Rachel: I am a big girl! I don't need someone telling what's best for me!
Ross: I've got to say, I've not had sex a lot of times before; this is the worst ever!
Rachel: It wasn't very good for me, either!

The One with Princess Consuela [10.14][edit]

Phoebe: As of today, my name is Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
Mike: I thought you had to just make your name Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan!
Phoebe: I can change it to anything I want.
Mike: Well, if you can, I can. My name is Crap Bag.

Phoebe: Will you please be Mike Hannigan again?
Mike: Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: How about 'Buffay-Hannigan'?
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan-Bananahammock!
Mike: Do you know what a bananahammock is?
Phoebe: It's a funny word!
Mike: It's a speedo!
Phoebe: [pauses] Oh crap!

The One Where Estelle Dies [10.15][edit]

Ross: [to Rachel] So, if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris?
Chandler: Or facing a bitch of a commute.

Monica: If we don't get this house, she's still going to show up wherever we go! At least if she's here, it eliminates the element of surprise. Never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body!

The One with Rachel's Going Away Party [10.16][edit]

Rachel: You really think I didn't say goodbye to you because I don't care?
Ross: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel: I cannot believe that after ten years you do not know one thing about me!
Ross: Fine. Then why didn't you say something?
Rachel: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I can't even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go. Okay? So if you think I didn't say goodbye to you because you don't mean as much to me as everybody else, you're wrong. It's because you mean more to me. So there, all right? There's your goodbye.

Rachel: [crying, barely understandable] I don't know what I'm going to do without you!
Monica: [crying, barely understandable] You're the greatest friend I ever had.
Rachel: [crying, barely understandable] I'm gonna miss seeing you everyday!
Monica: [crying] What?
Rachel: [crying, barely understandable] I...I...I... I'm gonna miss seeing you everyday!
Monica: [crying, barely understandable] That is so sweet! [they hug]

The Last One: Part 1 [10.17][edit]

Rachel: Chick and the duck? Didn't they die—
Phoebe: —Dive. Yeah, they dove headfirst into fun on the farm.

[the doctor just revealed that the second baby is arriving]
Monica: I'm sorry. Who should be along in a what now?

Doctor: You do know it's twins, right?
Chandler: Oh, yeah. These are the faces of two people in the know!

Chandler: What do we do?
Monica: What do you mean "what do we do"?
Chandler: Twins! Twins!
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking.
Chandler: Uh-huh! Join me, won't you?

Ross: Okay, awkward question, the hospital knows you took two, right?

Monica: What if the person who adopts the other one is horrible?
Chandler: What if it's not? What if it's a king?
Monica: [sarcastically] Yeah, because I hear the king is looking to adopt.

Chandler: Have fun in church camp!

Chandler: Next time, can I say breathe?
Monica: No! The last time you did, you said it like Dracula and it scared her!

Chandler: [while Erica is giving birth] Is it really that bad?
Erica: Uh-huh. I think it's time to kick you in the nuts and see which is worse!

Monica: I don't care if it's two babies. I don't care if it's three babies. I don't care if the entire cast of Eight Is Enough comes out of there!

Monica: We decided to name the baby girl, Erica.
Erica: Hey, that's just like my name!
Monica: Son of a gun, it is.

Joey: What kinds are they?
Monica: This is a boy and that's a girl.
Chandler: Yeah, her name's Erica.
Joey: Hey, that pregnant girl's name was Erica.
Chandler: Yeah, it's a shame you two never spent more time together.

The Last One: Part 2 [10.18][edit]

[Phoebe and Ross are driving to John F. Kennedy Airport to find Rachel. Phoebe calls Rachel and tries to convince her to get off the plane in an attempt to stall her]
Rachel: [Rachel's cell phone rings] Hello?
Phoebe: Rachel! Oh good! Hey, by the way, did you just get on the plane?
Rachel: Yeah.
Phoebe: [to Ross:] For what it's worth, we would've caught her if we were at the right airport.
Ross: [sarcastically] Yay...
Phoebe: Uh, Rach, hang on. [Phoebe holds out her phone to Ross, but he refuses to talk and repeatedly mouths "No!"]
Rachel: Phoebe, is everything okay?
Phoebe: Um... actually, no. No, y-you have to get off the plane.
Rachel: What, why?
Phoebe: I have this feeling that something's wrong with it. Something is wrong with the left phalange.
[A passenger sitting beside her has been eavesdropping on her conversation and shows signs of worry.]
Worried passenger: Um, ahem, what was that?
Rachel: Oh! That was just my crazy friend. She told me I should get off the plane because she had a "feeling" that there was something wrong with the "left phalange".
Worried passenger: Okay, uh, that doesn't sound good.
Rachel: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. She's always coming up with stuff like this and you know what? She's almost never right.
Worried passenger: But she is sometimes?
Rachel: Well?
[The man gets up from his seat and starts gathering his luggage from the overhead compartment.]
Flight attendant: Excuse me, sir? Where you going?
Worried passenger: Okay, I have to off this plane, okay? Uh, her friend has a feeling something's wrong with the left phalange.
Rachel: [to flight attendant] Could I get some peanuts?
2nd passenger: What's wrong with the plane?
Flight attendant: There's nothing wrong with the plane...
Worried passenger: The left phalange.
Flight attendant: There's no phalange!
Worried passenger: Oh my...! This plane doesn't even have a phalange!
2nd passenger: Well I'm not flying on it.
Flight attendant: Ma'am, please sit down!
3rd passenger: What's going on?!
Worried passenger: We're all getting off, there is no phalange!
Rachel: Ah! This is ridiculous! I-- [she sees the passengers leave the plane and decides to leave as well] Yeah, okay.

[After failing to convince Rachel to get off the plane, Ross heads to his apartment in despair and finds a message from Rachel on his answering machine.]
Rachel: Ross? Hi, it's me. I just got back on the plane and I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I... wasn't expecting to see you and then all of the sudden, you're there and saying these things and... now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you... I love you... I love you... what am I doing? I love you. Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.
Ross: Oh, my god!
Rachel: [to flight attendant] Okay, e-excuse me--
Flight attendant: Ma'am, please sit down!
Rachel: No, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I needed to tell someone that I love them.
Flight attendant: Ma'am, I can't let you off the plane.
Ross: [listening to the conversation] Let her off the plane!!
Flight attendant: I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.
Rachel: Oh, please miss, you don't understand!
Ross: Try to understand!!
Rachel: Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you could just let me off the-- [the message cuts before Rachel finishes her sentence]
Ross: No, no!! Oh, my god, did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel: [coming into room] I got off the plane.
Ross: You got off the plane.
[they passionately make out]
Rachel: I do love you.
Ross: I love you, too, and I am never letting you go again.
Rachel: Okay, because this is where I want to be. Okay, no more of this, I don't wanna mess this up again.
Ross: Me either, okay, we are done being stupid.
Rachel: It's you and me, all right, this is it? You and me, this is it.
Ross : This is it. Unless we're on a break.
[awkward pause]
Ross: [to himself] Don't make jokes now...

Quotes about Friends[edit]

  • Detective Jacob "Jake" Peralta: Why don't I drive you?
    Detective Sergeant Terence "Terry" Jeffords: I don't know.  I guess I didn't really think of you as that kind of friend.
    Peralta: Serge, I'm every kind of friend.  I'm Phoebe, I'm Chandler, I'm Rachel, I'm…who's the dinosaur guy?
    [Jeffords stands up]
    Jeffords: Ross, bro!  Ross!
    Peralta: Sorry, I forgot…you were such a Rosshead.


External links[edit]

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