Criminal Minds (season 1)

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Criminal Minds (2005–2020) is an American television show, airing on CBS, about an elite squad of FBI profilers that analyzes the country's most twisted criminal minds and anticipates their next move before they strike again.

Extreme Aggressor [1.01][edit]

Haley Hotchner: How about Andrew, it's Greek for valiant.
Hotchner: Let's call him... Sergio.
Haley: Ha ha. Please tell me you're kidding
Hotch: Butch.
Haley: How about Donald?
Hotch: Hans.
Haley: No! Wait, wait. Um... okay. Gideon.
Hotch: Not a chance.
Haley: It's Hebrew. Look what it means. It's perfect. Gideon Hotchner.
Hotch: No.
Haley: Yes
Hotch: No.
Haley: Yes.
Hotch: No.
Haley: Gideon.
Gideon: Anyone recognize these faces?
Student: Victims of the Footpath Killer.
Gideon: That's what Virginia newspapers are calling him. We refer to him as the Unknown Subject or Unsub. I told Virginia P.D. they're looking for a white male in his twenties, who owns an American made truck in disrepair. Works a menial job. I told 'em, when you find him, don't be surprised if he speaks with a severe stutter.
Student: Not to sound skeptical, but come on... a stutter?
Gideon: Where'd the murders occur? Hiking paths. Isolated. If I'm a killer who has to use an immediate application of overpowering force, even out in the middle of nowhere, I lack confidence. I can't charm them into my car like Ted Bundy did. I can't because I am ashamed of something.
Gideon: Joseph Conrad said, "The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary. Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness."
Hotch: This is Special Agent Gideon, Special Agent Morgan, our expert on obsessional crimes, Special agent Reid.
Gideon: Dr. Reid.
Hotch: Dr. Reid, our expert on, well, everything.
David Woodland: [dog barks at Reid] Sandy! No, no, no, no! I'm so sorry.
Hotch: It's okay. It's what we call 'The Reid Effect'. Happens with children too.
Hotch: I'm Agent Hotchner, this is Special Agent Doctor Reid.
David Woodland: You look too young to have gotten into medical school.
Reid: They're PhD's. Three of them.
David Woodland: Are you a genius or something?
Reid: I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified, but I do have an I.Q. of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words per minute. [off David's look] Yes, I'm a genius.
Morgan: Reid, are you good with this? We've got a woman who's only got a few hours left to live, an incomplete profile and a Unit Chief on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Gideon: [Gideon comes in from behind him] They don't call them nervous breakdowns anymore.
Reid: It's called a "Major Depressive Episode."
Morgan: I know, Reid.
Gideon: The unidentified subject is white, in his late twenties. He's someone you wouldn't notice at first, he's someone who'd blend into any crowd. Violent nature of the crime suggests previous criminal record, petty crimes, maybe auto theft. We've classified him as an organised killer, careful, psychopath as opposed to psychotic. He follows the news, has good hygiene, he's smart. Because he's smart, the only physical evidence you'll find is what he wants you to find. He's mobile, car in good condition. Our guess, Jeep Cherokee, tinted windows. Murders all involve rapes, but rape without penetration is a form of piquerism, and that tells us that he is sexually inadequate. Psychiatric evaluations will show a history of paranoia, stemming from a childhood trauma, death of a parent or family member. And now he feels persecuted and watched. Murder gives him a sense of power. Organised killers have a fascination with law enforcement, they will inject themselves into the investigation. They will even come forward as witnesses, to see just how much the police really know. That makes him feel powerful, in control. Which is why I also think, in fact I know, you have already interviewed him.
Gideon: Emerson said, "All is riddle, and the key to a riddle is another riddle
Gideon: "Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
Reid: Samuel Beckett.
Morgan: "Try not. Do or do not."
Reid: Yoda.
Garcia: You've reached Penelope Garcia in the FBI's Office of Supreme Genius.
Morgan: Hey it's Morgan. Need you to work me some magic here. I got a program called Deadbolt Defense and a girl with only a couple hours to live. So what do you know?
Garcia: Then you got a problem. Deadbolt's the number one password crack resistant software out there. You're going to have to get inside this guy's head to get the password.
Morgan: I thought I was calling the Office of Supreme Genius.
Garcia: Well, gorgeous, you've been rerouted to the Office of Too Friggin' Bad.
Reid: Do you know why he [Gideon] always introduces me as Dr. Reid?
Hotch: Because he knows that people see you as a kid and he wants to make sure that they respect you.
Morgan:Alright, I'm an insomniac who listens to Metallica to go to sleep at night. What song could possibly speak to me?
Reid: Enter Sandman.
Hotch: Do you know how salesmen get us to buy a car? They call it reciprocity. They drop the price and it feels like they've done us a favor. We feel obligated. There's a sudden pressure to reciprocate this one little favor. And it's so powerful that we'll... put a deposit down on a car that we're not even sure we really want.
Slessman: So what?
Hotch: So Vogel did you a favor. He protected you in prison, and now you feel like you owe him and you need to protect him. Guys like Vogel learn in the schoolyard which kids to bully and which kids to protect, and he's got you convinced that you owe him so much that you'll go to jail for him. Richard, I'm here to remind you of something. You owe him nothing.
Tim Vogel: I'll shoot her.
Gideon: I wouldn't. If I were you, I'd aim that gun at me. You shoot the girl, you got nothing.
Vogel: Get back!
Gideon: Shoot me instead. Come on, what are you a lousy shot? [putting his hands in the air] 50 feet away. You got a perfect shot. Shoot me.
Vogel: You think I'm stupid?
Gideon: I think you're an absolute moron. I know all about you, Tim. You're at the gym five times a week. You drive a flashy car, you stink of cologne, and you can't get it up. Not even Viagra's working for you. You know what that tells me? That tells me you are hopelessly compensating, and it's not just in your head. It is physical. What did the girls call you in high school? What'd they come up with when you fumbled your way into some girl's pants and she started laughing when she got a good look at just how little you had to offer?
Vogel: Shut up!
Gideon: Short Stack? Very Little Vogel? I got it: Tiny Tim.
Hotch: You know, Haley and I were looking at a baby names book. Guess what Gideon means in Hebrew.
Reid: [Walking up to Hotch and Morgan] Mighty Warrior. Appropriate.
Gideon: You and Haley picked the baby's name yet?
Hotch: You know, it's funny. Haley liked the name Charles, but, you know... all I could think of...
Gideon: Uh, Manson.
Hotch: Then there was Henry...
Gideon: Lee Lucas.
Hotch: And Jeffrey...
Gideon: Dahmer?
Hotch: There's just too many of them.
Gideon: Kind of hard to feel good about catching one of them when you know there're 50 more of them still out there.
Gideon: Nietzsche once said, "When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you."

Compulsion [1.02][edit]

Gideon: Einstein once said, "Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited; imagination encircles the world."
Greenaway: Chemical accelerant could mean chemistry student.
Reid: It could also mean chemistry professor.
Greenaway: I say student. You need self-confidence to lecture in front of a classroom full of 30 college kids. Arsonists are socially incompetent. This guy doesn't go on dates, he doesn't go to parties, he doesn't feel comfortable in front of groups. [Reid looks at Elle, realizing he fits the description] And of course he's a total psychopath.
Reid: Of course.
Campus Security Guard: You're one of those FBI guys. Um, like, a profiler, right? Like, one look at the crime scene you can tell what kind of shampoo a killer uses.
Gideon: You sound skeptical.
Campus Security Guard: Maybe a little.
Gideon: Your girlfriend thinks you're going to break up with her.
Campus Security Guard: You're kidding, right?
Garcia: Okay, you know how on Star Trek when Captain Kirk asked McCoy to do something totally impossible and McCoy says, "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!"?
Morgan: Hey, what are you telling me? Not to expect a miracle?
Garcia: No, I'm saying I'm not a doctor.
Morgan: [laughs] That's my girl.
Gideon: Faulkner once said: "Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself."

Won't Get Fooled Again [1.03][edit]

Gideon: Samuel Johnson wrote, "Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble."
Morgan: These are my bomb fragments. We can start putting this bad boy together.
Garcia: Why bother? Don't you just look at the pieces for prints and... stuff... and?
Morgan: [chuckles] Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?
Garcia: I didn't get into medical school?
Morgan: Why does that not surprise me?
Greenaway: I can't see why anyone wanna kill a little old lady who collects cats and coins.
Hotchner: Unless somebody wanted the coins. I spent a good chunk of my childhood looking for a 1944 penny worth thousands. [looks at Elle] Yes, I was a little bit of a nerd. Is that so surprising?
Gideon: [incredulously] He's not a bomber... he's a forger. [promptly whips out his radio] GET OUTTA THERE, NOW!! NOW!!!
Greenaway: I might have something. Barbara Keller was having trouble insuring some coins she bought. The insurance company thought they might be fake.
Hotchner: So the insurance company's blowing up annoying clients?

Plain Sight [1.04][edit]

Gideon: French poet, Jacques Rigaut said, "Don't forget that I cannot see myself. That my role is limited to being the one who looks in the mirror."
Reid: Do you think it's weird that I knew that ballad?
Greenaway: I don't know how it is you know half the stuff you know, but I'm glad you do.
Reid: Do you think that's why I can't get a date?
Greenaway: You ever ask anyone out?
Reid: [nervously shifts his eyes] No.
Greenaway: That's why you can't get a date.
Morgan: I hate not having a plan. We're looking for a needle in a haystack.
Reid: Actually, it's more like we're looking for a needle in a pile of needles.
Morgan: What?
Reid: A needle would stand out in a haystack.
Morgan: Okay. Then we're not looking for someone who stands out.
Reid: No, we're looking for a particular needle in a pile of needles.
Gideon: Rose Kennedy once said, "Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them."

Broken Mirror [1.05][edit]

[after seeing another agent flirt with Morgan and girls stare at him]
Reid: Must be tough, man.
Morgan: [laughs] Not really.
Reid: What do you mean? You don't DO anything and these women are throwing themselves at you.
Morgan: Strictly off limits, Reid.
Reid: There's no code of conduct that says agents can't socialize.
Morgan: Yeah, well, see, my code of survival says never mess with a woman who carries a gun.
Gideon: Euripides said, "When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him."
Evan Davenport: [to Reid] Excuse me, can you actually read that fast?
Reid: Our conscious minds can process sixteen bits of information per second. Our unconscious, however, can process eleven million. [off Davenport's look] Yes, I... I can actually read this fast.
Reid: I don't know everything. I mean, despite the fact that you think that I do.
Morgan: I never said that. When have I ever said that?
Reid: Every day since I met you!
Greenaway: This morning at breakfast.
Hotchner: Yesterday when he beat you at cards. Um, we've got one minute.
Morgan: Anybody ever heard of sarcasm?
Gideon: Euripides said, "When love is in excess, it brings a man no honor nor worthiness."

L.D.S.K. [1.06][edit]

Greenaway: Reid failed his qualification.
Gideon: Well, he can retest in two weeks.
Greenaway: Yeah, but he's gonna be embarrassed about it, so let's not mention it.
Gideon: Yeah, let's not, huh.
Morgan: Not a word. [Reid enters the room] Hey, we're all here for you. I'm serious. If you ever need anything... [places a whistle around Reid's neck and blows on it] just blow on that.
Gideon: Nietzsche wrote, "The irrationality of a thing is not an argument against its existence, rather, a condition of it."
Hotchner: Shakespeare wrote, "Nothing is so common as the wish to be remarkable." [NOTE: this quotation is falsely attributed to Shakespeare - it is actually a slight rewording of words written by Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]
Hotchner: [about a head shot Reid accomplished] Nice shot.
Reid: I was aiming for his leg.
Hotchner: Well, I wouldn't have kept kicking, but I was afraid you didn't get my plan.
Reid: I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire.
Hotchner: Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly.
Reid: Hotch, I was a twelve year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a nine year-old girl. [tries to return the gun]
Hotchner: No, keep it. As far as I'm concerned, you passed your qualification.

(Reid nonchalantly gives the whistle back to Morgan)

Morgan: Touché, kid.
Gideon: This is going to hit you, and when it does, there's only three facts you need to know: You did what you had to do, and a lot of good people are alive because of what you did.
Reid: What's the third?
Gideon: I'm proud of you.

The Fox [1.07][edit]

Jason Gideon: [opening quote] Dr. Thomas Fuller wrote: "With foxes, we must play the fox"
[discussing Hotchner's newborn son]
J.J.: He's so gorgeous.
Haley: Thank you.
Reid: If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive.
Garcia: Look at his little witty bitty nose. [to Morgan] Don't you want one of these?
Morgan: I'll stick to practicing.
Greenaway: Fielding said that the person he saw was small.
Morgan: Yeah, well, in order to get through that door you'd have to be 5'4", tops, and real thin.
Gideon: "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
Morgan: Sherlock Holmes was a fictional character. Whoever did this isn't.
Reid: No one gets therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication.
Garcia: What are you implying, Reid?
Reid: That everyone is medicated.
Garcia: Did you just make a joke?
Reid: No, I mean... Statistics, they... They show it...
Garcia: Reid. Next time, just say yes, okay?
Reid: Are you hacking into the government's HMO database? Is that legal?
Garcia: Course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll be someone's bitch.
Reid: Really?
Karl Arnold: I would keep them apart until the last night. 'Til the last supper. Then I would bring them, one by one, down to the basement. The youngest first. The father last.
Morgan: Why, Karl?
Karl Arnold: So he could see what happens to families when the head of household isn't strong. Wives wither. Children perish. But me? I'm an excellent father.

Derailed [1.09][edit]

Gideon: Robert Oxton Bolton wrote, "A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind."
Morgan: And remember, play into the guy's fantasy, believe it yourself.
Reid: Actually, did you know that dentists and surgeons have been recruited to secretly implant these during otherwise normal medical procedures? This has been happening on and off since the late 1930s. [Morgan looks at him] Told me to believe.
Reid: [to Dr. Bryer] The voices, they helped you right? It's where you get your ideas from. While the other kids were outside in the playground, you were inside reading, and studying, learning. The voices wouldn't stop. They... they helped you understand things that other people could never realize. Then, as you grew older, it became almost a responsibility, right? A responsibility to use that ability, to... to use your knowledge.
Greenaway: Gideon, will you tell him that I don't need to go to the hospital?
Gideon: Regulations are regulations. You're all right?
Greenaway: Yeah, I'm fine, 'dad.'
Gideon: Elle?
Greenaway: Yeah?
Gideon: Don't ever call me 'dad' again. [walks away]
Greenaway: [to Reid] How do you think he'd feel about 'mom?'
Reid: Let me know when you're going to do that, so I can run.
Reid: Albert Einstein asked, "The question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or the others crazy?"

Natural Born Killer [1.08][edit]

Gideon: Hemingway wrote, "There is no hunting like the hunting of man and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never really care for anything else."
Morgan: [sees Garcia with a cardboard box] Please tell me you brought some breakfast.
Garcia: Oh, trust me, sugar. You are not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.
Greenaway: Can you get into those records?
Reid: Despite the fact that they were probably expunged, she can find the faintest echo of deletion, successfully recreate the file, thereby sending us all to prison for computer felony fraud counts.
[Greenaway and Garcia share a weird look]
Greenaway: We can make bail.
Hotchner: You were just responding to what you learned, Vincent. When you grow up in an environment like that, an extremely abusive and violent household... it's not surprising that some people grow up to become killers.
Vincent: Some people?
Hotchner: What's that?
Vincent: You said some people grow up to become killers.
Hotchner: And some people grow up to catch them.
Gideon: Carl Jung said, "The healthy man does not torture others. Generally, it is the tortured who turn into torturers."

The Popular Kids [1.10][edit]

[Reid is pouring piles of sugar into his coffee]
Morgan: Easy there, tough guy. Have some coffee with your sugar.
Reid: I need something to wake me up.
Morgan: Ooh, late night?
Reid: Very.
Morgan: My man!
Reid: Not that kind of late night.
Morgan: [laughs] Okay, so tell me, what does keep young Dr. Reid awake at night? Wait, let me guess. Memorizing some obscure textbook? No, no, no. Working on cold fusion? No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Watching Star Trek and laughing at the physics mistakes.
Reid: Actually, there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek. Especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors.
Morgan: Right.
Gideon: Sir Peter Ustinov said, "Unfortunately, a super abundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares."
Reid: Melted wax?
JJ: Candle wax?
Reid: Candles are used in rituals.
Gideon: They're also used on birthday cakes.
Reid: Actually, they were originally used to protect the birthday celebrant from demons for the coming year. As a matter of fact, down to the fourth century, Christianity rejected the birthday celebration as a pagan ritual.
Sheriff Bridges: What kind of a doctor are you?
Gideon: Playwright Eugene Ionesco said, "Ideologies separate us. Dreams and anguish bring us together."
Gideon: We all have bad dreams. Everyone on the plane, who wouldn't? We hunt the worst of humanity, we see the depths of depravity, we dream of monsters.
Reid: In my dream, there's a baby, in the middle of a circle, and there's someone on the other side, and I can't get to her before I...
Gideon: Every night I look at Debra, helps me. Helps me go to sleep thinking of the victims we save. Don't always beat the monsters to the babies, but we do enough to make the job worth it. Keep the nightmares bearable.

Blood Hungry [1.11][edit]

Hotchner: What happened to you?
Gideon: [entering the room on crutches] I got a list of things I want to try before it's too late.
Greenaway: [sarcastically] And orthopedic surgery's one of them?
Gideon: No, skydiving. Apparently it's all about the landing.
Gideon: [to Garcia, hurriedly] Give me the book. The big one, right there.
Garcia: OK. [muttering under her breath] Get the book, please, Penelope. Here you are. Thank you.
Hotchner: How is it having Gideon around?
Garcia: Uh, you can have him back whenever you would like.
Gideon: Harriet Beecher Stowe once said, "The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
Hotchner: Well, you managed to get on Garcia's nerves pretty thoroughly.
Gideon: Who's Garcia?
Hotchner: Penelope? The tech? With the glasses.
Gideon: In the room with the screens?
Hotchner: Yeah.
Gideon: She's great!

What Fresh Hell? [1.12][edit]

Garcia: [thinking Gideon sent her a bouquet of flowers] Thank you for the flowers. [reading from the card] "I know I can be challenging, but your work is appreciated. J. Gideon." I appreciate the appreciation. And, BTW, you're not challenging. Well, no, you're totally challenging, but you're not challenging at all in a bad way, Sir.
Gideon: The poet W. H. Auden wrote, "Evil is always unspectacular, and always human, and shares our bed, and eats at our table."
Garcia: Penelope Garcia's house of "How May I Save Your Ass Today?"
Morgan: Well, you can give me the sex offender registry for Wilmington, Delaware.
Garcia: Oh, that's always a fun group. Um, Morgan, did you hear that Agent Gideon sent me flowers?
Morgan: No kidding?
Garcia: Jealous?
Morgan: Sex offenders, Garcia!
Gideon: Do you know what program did the most harm to this country in terms of crimes like this? Child abduction.
Russet: No.
Reid: "Stranger Danger".
Gideon: Flooded the schools with it.
Reid: I remember them coming to my classroom. It was "Officer Friendly" with "Stranger Danger" coloring books.
Gideon: Taught a whole generation about a scary man in a trench coat hiding behind a tree. Then we learnt that strangers are only a fraction of the offenders out there. Most are people you see every day. Your family, your neighbors, your school teachers. You know the rest. Prepared our children for 1% of the danger and made them more vulnerable to 99%.
Gideon: "Measure not the work until the day's out and the labor done," Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Gideon: Hey, Hotch, did you send flowers to that tech room girl, Garcia, and say they were from me?
Hotchner: Yeah.
Gideon: Why?
Hotchner: Jason, people need to know that they're important and sometimes you forget that.
Gideon: Well, I already sent her a gift, an MP3 player. They last longer unless you drop it or the battery dies, whichever comes first.
Hotchner: So she got two gifts.
Gideon: What if she thinks I'm sweet on her?

Poison [1.13][edit]

Gideon: Roman philosopher Lucretius wrote, "What is food to one, is to others bitter poison."
Gideon: Mr. Fisher?
Eric Fisher: Shrink or cop?
Gideon: Well, I'm an FBI profiler, so I guess I'm a little of each.
Gideon: Well, he's raw, broken, and seriously pissed off.
Hotchner: But he didn't hurt the son to get back at the mother?
Gideon: Not consciously, no.
Gideon: Confucius warned us, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

Riding the Lightning [1.14][edit]

Gideon: "Whoso sheddeth man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed." Genesis 9:6.
Hotchner: Are there more bodies?
Jacob Dawes: If I told you that, what would I have left for myself?
Hotchner: You could help these families get closure before you die.
Jacob Dawes: Pass.
Gideon: I think you're innocent.
Sarah Jean Dawes: We're all guilty of something.
Hotchner: How many others are there?
Jacob Dawes: I only have a few hours left and, though I like you – and I do like you – I'd like to be alone now. [offering his hand for a shake] Good meeting you, Hotch.
Hotchner: [ignoring his hand] I'm not done yet.
Jacob Dawes: Oh, me neither.
Gideon: Albert Pike said, "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."

Unfinished Business [1.15][edit]

Gideon: Norman Maclean wrote, "It is those we live with and love, and should know, who elude us."
Morgan: [regarding Max Ryan] I heard he was forced into early retirement.
Hotchner: No, he chose to retire.
Reid: He's written a new book on the Keystone Killer case.
Hotchner: He moved to Philadelphia to be closer to the crime scenes.
Greenaway: That's retirement?
Morgan: BAU style.
Reid: What do you think of Ryan?
Hotchner: He hasn't changed much.
Reid: I think we can learn a lot from him.
Hotchner: What could you possibly learn that you don't already know?
Reid: Hotch, repetitive thinking is a death mill for the brain. For complete brain usage, diverse stimulation is the key.
Max Ryan: Thought you were going to present the profile?
Gideon: Team can handle it.
Max Ryan: The team. We used to work solo when this all started.
Gideon: Well, we were wrong.
Max Ryan: You don't worry about too many cooks?
Greenaway: Abraham Lincoln once said, "In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

The Tribe [1.16][edit]

Hotchner: Nietzsche wrote, "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe."
John Blackwolf: [to Gideon] You look like a college professor. [to Reid] You look like his student. [to Hotchner] You, you look like FBI.
John Blackwolf: Inside 21 feet, I win. Outside 21, I have other options besides shooting a man.
Reid: Like negotiating.
John Blackwolf: Like running.
Hotchner: We took down these four.
Reid: Without firing a shot?
John Blackwolf: Captain America here shot number five.
Hotchner: You're welcome. Number six is cut up pretty bad. I don't think he's gonna make it.
John Blackwolf: At least I didn't shoot him.
Morgan: I think I'd rather be shot.
Hotchner: There's an old Apache saying: "You can take many paths to get to the same place."

A Real Rain [1.17][edit]

Gideon: W. H. Auden said, "Murder is unique in that it abolishes the party it injures, so that society must take the place of the victim and on his behalf demand atonement or grant forgiveness."
Hotchner: OK, here's what we know: Blitz attackers are almost always male.
Morgan: Well, he got picked up in the pouring rain by a New York cabbie, so we definitely know he's not a brother.
Reid: [to the waitress after having difficulty with his chopsticks] Excuse me, could I get a fork perhaps? [everyone laughs] Did you know that experts credit Confucius with the advent of the chopstick. He equated knives with acts of aggression.
Morgan: You don't know how to use them, do ya?
Reid: It's like trying to forage for dinner with a pair of number two pencils.
Gideon: [discussing the unsub and how he is perceived by the public] He's a hero.
Reid: The exact same thing happened with the Goetz New York subway shootings in the early eighties.
Gideon: You weren't even born.
Reid: I read a lot.
Gideon: Gandhi said, "Better to be violent if there's violence in our hearts than to put on the cloak of non-violence to cover impotence."
Hotchner: Gandhi also said, "I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent."

Somebody's Watching [1.18][edit]

Gideon: Diane Arbus once said, "A photograph is a secret about a secret. The more it tells you, the less you know."
Gideon: [the artist has just pronounced her picture 'boring'] Oh, I don't think so. I mean nothing's just a picture. If viewed correctly - whatever that means - one can see world views, obsessions, manifestations of the subconscious.
Reid: [trying to coax Lila out of her swimming pool] Lila, I'm begging of you. Will you please get out of the pool?
Lila Archer: Really, Spence, you should live a little.
Reid: Live a little? I've known you 48 hours. I feel like I've already aged 10 years!
Lila Archer: I wish, um, things had been... more normal when we had met.
Reid: Lila, believe me when I say this, I've never known a normal day in my entire life.
Gideon: Bernard Shaw once said, "An American has no sense of privacy. He does not know what it means. There is no such thing in the country."

Machismo [1.19][edit]

Jessica: [watching Hotchner hold his son] You're holding him like a cantaloupe.
Hotchner: What, you think you can do better? Okay, smartypants, knock yourself out. [he hands her the baby] It's okay, it's for the... [the baby quiets down in her arms] Alright, let's see you profile a disorganized psychopath.
Hotchner: Anthony Brandt wrote, "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family."
JJ: All right, so is it possible that there are fewer serial killers in Mexican culture?
Gideon: It is possible. But, in my experience, evil is not a cultural phenomenon. It's a human one.
Morgan: What's all this?
Deputy Borquez: Día de los Muertos.
Reid: Day of the Dead. A three-day Latin holiday where souls of dead relatives are said to return to earth to enjoy the pleasures that they once knew of.
Deputy Borquez: It sounds like he was reading that out of a book.
Morgan: No, trust me. He always sounds like that.
Reid: Actually, I was reading. I picked this pamphlet up at the airport.
Hotchner: Mexican proverb - "The house does not rest upon the ground, but upon a woman."

Charm & Harm [1.20][edit]

Gideon: The French philosopher Voltaire wrote, "There are some that only employ words for the purpose of disguising their thoughts."
Greenaway: You really don't know someone till you take a road trip with them.
Morgan: What are you trying to say?
Greenaway: Look at this car, man. There's empty soda cans and fast food wrappers everywhere. You're a slob. You know, back at Quantico your desk was all neat, but I bet if you looked in those drawers you'd find a mess.
Morgan: OK, we have been on the road way too long. [hearing Elle's phone ring] Aww, that must be the boyfriend.
Greenaway: Yes, it is. [answers phone] Hey Gideon.
Garcia: Aaron, do you have any idea how many people drown every day?
Hotchner: Well, yeah. There're more in the summer for obvious reasons, but I think it averages to about sixty-five hundred a year, which is 17 a day?
Garcia: Is this Reid?
Hotchner: What, are you impressed?
Garcia: I am, Slick, I am.
Gideon: The author François de la Rochefoucauld wrote, "We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."

Secrets and Lies [1.21][edit]

Gideon: Albert Einstein said, "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
Garcia: Do you do know what this means?
JJ: What?
Garcia: We'll be able to find out whether Princess Diana's death was really an accident!
JJ: I think that's exactly the kind of thing that got you on that list.
Gideon: Then we have to assume the mole has an exit strategy.
Hotchner: Only now we're blocking the exit, and the only way out is through us.
Gina Sanchez: Let's get one thing clear. We all write a letter just like the one Summers wrote.
Morgan: A suicide note? That doesn't mess with your mind just a little bit?
Gina Sanchez: I am neither disillusioned nor confused about what I am, what I do, or what I have done.
Morgan: Somebody here is. Why else would they rat out their own people?
Gina Sanchez: You'll have to ask them.
Gideon: George Orwell said, "In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act."

The Fisher King (Part 1) [1.22][edit]

Hotchner: Hey, don't knock family. I'm gonna get nothing but for the next 36 hours.
Morgan: Hmm, good for you.
Hotchner: Haley's got a list of chores a mile long and I can't wait. The biggest decision I gotta make is what I'm gonna do first.
Greenaway: I bet you she has a thought or two about that as well.
Hotchner: Bring it on.
Gideon: Writer Elbert Hubbard said, "No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one."
JJ: [about the incredible Sir Kneighf] Oh god, please tell me you don't have a crush on a fictional character.
Garcia: He's not fictional. He's the online alter-ego of a real person.
JJ: Mm-hmm, but you don't know anything about him, or even if he is... a him.
Garcia: Okay, you know what? Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting during which time I have his undivided attention and he lavishes me with flattery.
JJ: Wow.
Garcia: When was the last time you had a date go that well?
JJ: See if he's got a fictional brother.
Garcia: [angrily over the phone to Morgan when he asks for information] The information superhighway is closed.
Morgan: What are you talking about?
Garcia: Someone had the nerve to run a black hat op into my computers, Morgan. They hacked me, okay? But you can bet your sweet ass I will find them. I've got honeypot farms hidden behind UML kernel data packets and a first generation honeynet I personally programmed. My snort-log lists every visitor, every server request, every keystroke of this entire network. If I have to back-hack his IP all the way to the freakin' stone age I will find this son of a bitch, okay? So, bye!
Gideon: I needed a place where I didn't have to know what was out there, where I could, uh, close my eyes and not see bodies torn to pieces, or hear children calling out for help. That cabin was the only thing I had left and this guy took it away from me.
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