[Angrily] Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful and triumphant.
One man's toxic sludge is another man's potpourri.
I am the Grinch that stole Christmas... and I'm sorry.
Oh, no. The sleigh, the presents, they'll be destroyed, and I care! What is the deal?! Wait!
[Frustrated] Ugh. Bleeding hearts of the world UNITE!
[After Martha say that her gifts are dazzling and The Grinch angrily ruined her new car] Of course, they are. That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been about! Gifts… gifts… Gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! Do you know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me... in your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your garbage! I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump, and the avarice... the avarice never ends! "I want golf clubs! I want diamonds! I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored, and sell it to make glue!" Look, I don't wanna make waves, but this whole Christmas season is... stupid, stupid, stupid! [looks up to and advances towards Martha May Whovier] There is, however... 1... teeny-tiny... Christmas tradition... I find... quite... meaningful. [snatches up a sprig of mistletoe] Mistletoe. Now, pucker up and kiss it, Whoville! Boi-i-i-i-i-i-ing! [angrily puts a bit of mistletoe over his butt, and then waggles it; later shaves off the Mayor's hair] Uh, oh. Somebody's... fabulous! [kisses the Mayor]
[smashes a glass bottle and stuffs it into his mouth] Am I just eating because I am bored?
[singing] Tiiick tock, tiiiick tock.
Counting down the Christmas clock.
Old, young, big, small– [Realizes he's singing] AAAAAAAHHH!!!
And then all the noise. All the noise, noise, noise, NOISE! They'll bang on tong-tinglers, blow their foo-flounders, they'll crash on jang-jinglers, and bounce on boing-bounders! (Then Who's young and old will sit down to a feast, and they'll feast and they'll feast.) [while jumping angrily] And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who pudding and rare Who roast beast! It's something I cannot stand in the least. [realizing what he's said] Oh, noǃ I'M SPEAKING IN RHY-YME! AAAHHHH! BLAST YOU, WHOS! [sobs]
[The Grinch is causing chaos all over Whoville. He tries to signal a cab.] Taxi! [The taxi drives right by him] It's because I'm green, isn't it?!
[gasps] Cindy Lou… WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!
[After the Grinch starts up his sleigh outside his cave] THIS IS NUTS! [Max barks] ON, CRASHER! ON, THRASHER! ON, VOMIT AND BLITZ–! [on the sleigh he made; freaking out]WE'RE GONNA DIE, WE'RE GONNA DIE!! I'M GONNA THROW UP, AND THEN I'M GONNA DIE!!! MOMMY, TELL IT TO STOP!![sobs, then calms down] Ha! Almost my cool there.
The Grinch: [after Max scared off some teen Whos] Well done, Max! Serves them right, those yuletide-loving... sickly-sweet, nog-sucking cheer mongers! I really don't like 'em. Mm-mm. No, I don't. [eats an onion] MAX! [Max whimpers] Get my cloak. [Max runs back inside] I've been much too tolerant of these Who-venile delinquents... and their innocent, victimless pranks. [throws away the onion] So, they wanna get to know me, do they? They want to spend a little quality time with the Grinch. [turns to the camera] I guess I could use a little... social interaction. [shows off a sinister-looking smile]
Grinch: [at the back room of the post office with Max by the sorting machine] It'll take them years to sort this out. This is his and now it's yours, and this is hers and now it's his! [laughs schemingly] And for the rest of you… [turns around by the sorting machine, then starts throwing someone's mail in the wrong boxes] ...Jury duty, jury duty, jury duty, black mail, pink slip, chain letter, eviction notice, jury duty! [throws more mail into the wrong boxes as he emits a light giggle of amusement]
Cindy Lou Who: You're the... the, the, the–
Grinch: "The, the, the..." The Grinch!
Cindy Lou: Aah! [falls down a mail shaft] Help!
Grinch: Well… that worked out nicely.
Cindy: Thanks for saving me.
Grinch: [screeches to a stop, fingers scrape against glass, turns around angrily] Saving you...? Is that what you think I was doing?
Cindy: [nods] Uh-huh.
Grinch: Wrong-o. [grabs wrapping paper] I merely noticed that you were improperly packaged, my dear! [begins wrapping Cindy Lou wildly in wrapping paper] DRAT! Hold still! [stops wrapping, to Max] Max, pick out a bow! [resumes wrapping Cindy Lou in wrapping paper, stops] Can I use your finger for a second?
Cindy: Hello? Hello!
Grinch: [with a tiny red heart on his X-ray] Yes! Down a size and a half! [breaks 4th wall to the audience watching] And this time, I'll keep it off. [to Max, shaking hand quickly] Get the stick, Max! Get the stick! [throws his hand towards Max's direction; Max barks and runs in that direction, while the Grinch laughs to himself] There's no stick! I'm smarter. [takes a running leap onto his bed] Any calls? [turns his phone on]
Phone: You have no messages.
Grinch: Odd. Better check the outgoing. [presses another button]
The Grinch [on the phone]: If you utter so much as one syllable, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! If you'd like to fax me, press the star key. [phone beeps]
Grinch: Hmm. Hmm. [turns his machine off] Oh, well.
Grinch: [trying to drown out the Whos' singing; he turns on a mechanical monkey that plays cymbals] Play, monkey! Play! Play, play, play, playǃ [rides a jackhammer while vocalizing; he soon wipes out] OWWIEE!!
Cindy: [knocks the door] Mr. Grinch? Mr. Grinch! Hello? [comes into the Grinch's cave; she finds him standing with his head in the path of the monkey's cymbals, yelling gibberish each time they hit his head. Taps his shoulder] Excuse me?
Grinch: Hmm? [sticks his head out and grabs the monkey's cymbals; the monkey short-circuits and it powers down; turns slowly to Cindy with a furious look] Hello… little girl. [Angrily] How dare you enter the Grinch's Lair?! The impudence! The audacity! The unmitigated gall! You've called down the thunder. Now, get ready... FOR THE BOOOOOOM! Gaze into the face... of fear. BOOGA-WOOGA!
Cindy: [calmly] Mr. Grinch, my name is Cindy Lou Who.
Grinch: You see? Even now the terror is welling up inside you!
Cindy: I'm not scared.
Grinch: Denial is to be expected in the face of pure evil. [makes psychotic growling noises]
Cindy: I don't think so!
Grinch: Doubt!? Another unmistakable sign of the heebie-jeebies! Now, you're DOOMED! [jumps out of frame, then jumps back in wearing a white t-shirt and making animistic noises, ripping the shirt apart] RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! BEFORE I KILL AGAIN! [howls] I'm a psycho. [growls, puts shirt in his mouth, spits it out, jumps around Cindy Lou frantically] Danger, danger! [suddenly stops as he is out of breath]
Cindy: Um... maybe you need a time-out. [Grinch looks dumbfound; giggles]
Grinch: [aside, to the camera; breaking the 4th wall… again] Kids today. So desensitized by movies and television. [to Cindy Lou Who]WHAT DO YA WANT?![echoes]
Cindy: Mr. Grinch, I came to invite you... to be holiday cheer-minster.
Grinch: Uh... "Holiday who-bie what-y"?
Grinch: Eh? "Cheer-minster. Celebrate with friends." [laughing] That's a good one.
Narrator: So whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood outside his cave... hating the Whos…
Grinch: [brings out a Whoville phone book] ...Alphabetically. [raises finger, hits against name in book] Aadvarkian Abakenezer-Who, I... HATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!![stops] Aarabee Benson Who, I hate you. [pointing at various names] Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. [pause, widens eyes, says sinisterly] LOATHE ENTIRELY! [closes the book] Nutcrackers!
Cindy: Santa, what's Christmas really about?
"Santa" (Grinch): [pops out of the Christmas tree]Vengeance! Uh, I mean… presents... I suppose.
Narrator: Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast, and they'd feast and they'd feast.
Grinch: And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast! There's something I just cannot stand in the least. [pause in a second] Oh, no. [bawling] I'm speaking in rhy-y-y-yme! AAH! BLAST YOU, WHOS!! [bawls lying in snow; echoing] WHOS, WHOS…!
Narrator: And the more the Grinch thought of this Christmas bring, the more the Grinch thought…
Grinch: [rises from snow] …I must stop this whole thing! [stands up] Why, for year after year, I've been put up with it now. [marches to door] I must stop Christmas from coming... but how!? [gasps] I mean, "In... what way?". [gags, disgusted]
Grinch: I tell ya, Max. I don't know why I ever leave this place. I've got all the company I need... right here. Hello!
Echo: Hello, hello, hello!
Grinch: How are you?
Echo: How are you, you, you...?
Grinch: I asked you first!
Echo: I asked you first, first, first...!
Grinch: [sarcastically] Oh right, that's really mature, saying exactly what I say!
Echo: ...Really mature, mature saying exactly what I say, I say, I say!
Grinch: [thinks for a second] I'm an idiot!
Echo: You're an idiot, you're an idiot, you're an idiot...!
Grinch: [whispering] All right, fine! I'm not talking to you anymore. In fact, I'm going to whisper, so that by the time my voice reverberates off the walls and it gets back to me, I won't be able to hear it. [covers his ears]
Echo: [after a brief silence]You're an idiot, idiot, idiot...!
Grinch: Am I eating because I'm bored?
Grinch: Nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there… on such short notice. Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it! [flips his schedule open] "4:00 – wallow in self-pity". "4:30 – stare into the abyss". "5:00 – solve world hunger", tell no one. "5:30 – jazzercise". (Jazz and exercise.) "6:30 – dinner with me". I can't cancel that again! "7:00 – wrestle with myself loathing"… I'm booked! Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in the bed stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness… but what would I wear?!
Grinch: [trying to find something to wear] Stupid, ugly, out of date! This is ridiculous! If I can't find something nice to wear, I'm not going! [hears a yodeler and mugs him for his lederhosen] Ooh, ahh. Hmmm... That's it, I'm not going.
Grinch: [after standing grumpily with his arms crossed] All right! I'll swing by for a minute, allow them to envy me, grab a handful of popcorn shrimp and blow outta there… [heads for the door, then stops abruptly and returns nervously] But what if it's a cruel prank, what if it's a cash bar…? How dare they...! [scowls, then calms down] All right, I'll go… but I will be fashionably late. No, yes, no, yes, no. Yes! [groans in frustration] Definitely not. [firmly, heading for the door with his hand behind his back] All right, I've made my decision! I'm going, and that's that! [shows his hand] Ah, had my fingers crossed. [Max pulls a lever, sending the Grinch falling through the rubbish chute towards Whoville]Maybe I should flip a coin!
Grinch: I know... just what to do.
Narrator: The Grinch laughed in his throat…
Narrator: …And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat! [Grinch gasps] He chuckled and clucked at this great Grinchy trick.
Grinch: With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick! Ho, ho, ho! [singing] You're a mean… Mr. Grinch!
[Max brings the Grinch a "5/8" spanner]
Grinch: I asked for 3/4, not 5/8! Stay focused!
[The Grinch dresses Max with reindeer antlers and a red nose as Rudolph. He claps his hands, makes a gleeful noise and puts on a director's cap.]
Grinch: [to Max] Alright, you're a reindeer. Here's your motivation - your name's Rudolph, you're the freak with the red nose and nobody likes you. Then one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas. [Max stares at him blankly] No, forget that part. We'll improvise, just keep kind of loosy-goosy. You hate Christmas, you're gonna steal it! Saving Christmas is a lousy ending! Way too commercial. [sits down on director's chair and holds up megaphone] ACTION! [Max knocks off the red nose. Jumping out of seat, ecstatic] BRILLIANT! You reject your own nose because it represents the glitter of Commercialism! Why didn't I think of it?! Cut, print, check the gate, moving on.
Grinch: [preparing to go down the chimney with rope on his feet pretending to be the sports announcer] He's planning a double-twisting interrupted by forward-flying 2 1/2 with a combo tuck and pike… High degree of difficulty. [jumps high in the air as bungee jumping while vocalizing] Whoo! [leans closer to the chimney] LAA-LAAA-LAAAAAAAA!!! [lands on the chimney upside down, but got stuck since he gained a couple of pounds from the Whobilation... for a minute... or 2]
Narrator: He got stuck only once… for a moment or two.
Grinch: Blasted water weight! Goes right to my hips. [struggles his arms to free himself as he slides down and lands and hits his head by the fireplace] Ow! Gee! [looks at the view of the living room]
Narrator: Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue…
Grinch:[to the narrator; breaking the 4th wall again] A little more stealth, please.
Narrator:[quietly] ...Where the little Who stockings are all hung in a row.
Grinch: (That's better. Thank you. Anyways... Where was I, what was I doing? Ah, right.) These stockings…
Narrator: [normal voice] He grinned.
Grinch: ...Are the first thing to go! [picks out a jar of moths] Okay, fellas. Chow time! [frees the moths, sticks his head back up just as the moths eat the stockings]
Narrator: Then he slunk to the icebox. [The Grinch hugs the fridge into place.]
Grinch: Slunk. [opens up the fridge]
Narrator: He eyed the Whos feast. He took the Who pudding! [The Grinch throws a plate of Who pudding away.] He took the Roast Beast!
Grinch: [tossing the Roast Beast in a football hike position] Hike!
Narrator: [as the Grinch messes everything up the fridge] He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a flash. Why, that Grinch… he even took their last can of Who Hash. [The Grinch opens up the cupboard to reveal a last can of Who Hash inside in it just as Cindy opens the door.] Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
Grinch: And now…
Narrator: The Grinch grinned.
Grinch: [snatches the tree] ...I'll stuff up the tree! [tries to throw the tree away above the fireplace]
Narrator: And the Grinch grabbed the tree as he started to shove... when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.