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Dude, Where's My Car?

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Dude, Where's My Car? is a 2000 American buddy-stoner comedy film about two Southern Calfornia-residing friends; Jesse and Chester who wake up from a night of partying and can't remember where they parked their vehicle and are being enticed, pursued and lead astray by social groups for possession of the mysteriously undescribed enigmatic “Continuum Transfunctioner” device reputed to be of great power to control the Universe.

Directed by Danny Leiner. Written by Philip Stark
After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.

Jesse Montgomery

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  • Wait a second. Let's recap. Last night we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. [Chester slaps him] Thanks, dude.
  • I refuse to let us go down in history as the dudes who destroyed the universe.
  • [Walking up to residence of Ostrich farmer with many signs expressing zero tolerance for trespassing] I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.
  • Dude, Where's My Car?.

Alien Nordic Dudes

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  • We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey.

Dialogue

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Jesse: [After discovering their kitchen is insanely stocked in every nook and cranny of Chocolate pudding] Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?
Chester: [Opens the cupboard to find it's entirely full of pudding] I'd say it's entirely possible.
Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
Chester: Can he also bong a beer?
Nelson: Nah. All he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.
Keeper of the Continuum Transfunctioner: But the universe...
Jesse: "Screw the universe"! [Walks away]
Keeper: "Screw the universe"?!
Chinese Food Intercom: Chinese Foooood, may I help you?
Jesse: Yeah, I like to place an order.
Chinese Food Intercom: Um, what you like?
Jesse: Yeah, I like uh... three orders of garlic chicken.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: And then, three orders of white rice.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: And then... [then he turns and asks Chester and Nelson] Oh hey, you guys want soup?
Chester & Nelson: Sure.
Jesse: Yeah, three orders of Wonton soup.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: Oh, uh some fortune cookies too.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: Uh... naw I think that's about it.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: No, that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: No and then, I... [stutters] ...that's, that's all I want.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: [Looks behind and then laughs] And then, and then um, and then um, and then nothin' else cause I'm done ordering, okay?
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Jesse: Uh, uh, no, no, see all, all I want is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of the white rice.
Chinese Food Intercom: Uh-huh, and then?
Chester: And the soup dude.
Jesse: Oh, and, and the Wonton soup.
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?
Nelson: And the Cookie's Fortune.
Jesse: And, and the, and the fortune cookies yes so, it's just the uh, it's the... the chicken, the... rice, the soup and the Fortune cookies, and that's it.
Chinese Food Intercom: And the...en?
Jesse: [Starts chuckling] And then uh, you can it in a brown paper bag and come put it in my hand cause I'm ready to eat.
Chinese Food Intercom: An...nd the...en?
Jesse: [Gets irritated] Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese Food mind games!
Chinese Food Intercom: An...nd the...en...?
Jesse: [Gets upset] NO! No "and then"!
Chinese Food Intercom: And then?!
Jesse: No "and then"!
[Repeated four more times]
Chinese Food Intercom: [Growls] An...nd the...en...?
Jesse: [Gets annoyed] You know, you're really starting to piss me off, lady!
Chinese Food Intercom: [Quietly] And then?
Jesse: And then... [laughs nervously] I'm gonna come in there... [grows livid] and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN! [Pause; Jesse almost gives in]
Chinese Food Intercom: [Repeatedly] And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! [Jesse angrily smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away]
Chinese Food Intercom: [Severely damaged] And then...?
Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
Chester: Oh, that's my alter ego.
Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was my alter ego.
Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.
Jesse: Oh, yeah.
Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo!
Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?
Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine?
Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say?
[Repeated four more times]
Jesse: "S - wee - t!" What about mine?
Chester: [Angrily] "Dude!" What does mine say?
Jesse: [Screaming] "Sweet!"
Mr. Lee: [Screams in English] Idiots! [Swears in Chinese, walks up to Chester and Jesse in in English] Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet." Got it?
Jesse: Oh.
Mr. Lee: Ai-yah!
Jesse: Sorry.
Chester: Hey... sorry.
Jesse: Sorry.
Jesse and Chester: Shibby!
Mr. Lee: Very sharp. Very sharp. You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.
Jesse: We bought these last night?
Mr. Lee: Yeah. You were pretty [Says "fucked up" in Chinese] last night.
Chester: How much are these?
Mr. Lee: [In English] You already paid for. I just do some minor alterations-you know, add the secret pockets you order.
Jesse: Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. [Reaches into pockets] What's- [Pulls out kaleidoscope viewing Mr. Lee's laughing face] Oh, dude! Dude!
Chester: [Pulls out a dove] Sweet! Cool.
Jesse: Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?
Mr. Lee: You pay cash. Cold, hard cash. Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.
Jesse: You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?
Mr. Lee: Me? No, I don't see no car.
Jesse: [Answer cellphone in pocket] Hello.
Chester: Dude, we bought cell phones.
Jesse: [Looking at paper] That's not all we bought, dude.-
Jesse: Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Chester: Maybe you should go sit on the toilet?
Jesse: No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!
Chester: Is that what that is?
Jesse: Yeah. I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.
Chester: Yeah!
Jesse: You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.
Chester: We can?
Jesse: Yeah, and you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? 'Coz we love them.
Chester: And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?
Jesse: Yeah.

Cast

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Wikipedia
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