Family Guy/Season 24

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Family Guy – Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, productions of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Please read Family Guy/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article.

A Little Fright Music

Announcer: We now return to Abbott and Costello Elementary.

Abbott: Okay, so as the new vice principal, it's important that you learn all the names of our faculty.

Costello: That's what I wanna find out.

Abbott: Well, it's very simple. We have Mr. Present, Mr. Absent, Mr. Here, Mr. Yep, and Ms. Yo.

Costello: Okay, and all of 'em are here?

Abbott: Well, no. Only one of them is here.

Costello: You don't see all of 'em?

Abbott: Of course I do.

Costello: But you just said only one of 'em is here. What about this guy?

Abbott: No-no-no. He's not Here, he's Absent. [Costello wheezing] Let's just take attendance, okay? Mr. Absent.

Absent: Here.

Abbott: Mr. Here?

Here: Present.

Abbott: Mr. Yep?

Yep: Yo!

Abbott: Ms. Yo?

Yo: Yep!

Abbott: Mr. Present? [no response] Mr. Present. Ah, so Present is absent.

Costello: Wait, Present is absent?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: I thought you said he was absent!

Abbott: He is.

Costello: But he's present.

Abbott: No, he's not present. Present is absent.

Costello: Wait, so who's present and who's absent?

Abbott: He's absent and Present is absent.

Costello: So he is present!

Abbott: No, he's absent.

Costello: So, he's here, but Present is absent and Absent is present?

Abbott: Now, that's the first thing you said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I said!

[confetti and Golden Globes rain around them while an audience cheers]

Disney's Hulu's Family Guy's Hallmark Channel's Lifetime's Familiar Holiday Movie

Peter: So this whole time our love was fake? Like COVID?

Lois: Um, what?

Peter: Don't follow me. I need to go someplace and cough for a while.

Lois: Okay, I won't.

Peter: I thought I smelled a rat but I actually can't smell anything. I tell ya, this has left a real nothing-taste in my mouth.

Lois: I think you might have COVID.

Peter: Liar!

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Stewie: [looks at statue] Kinda weird we're doing a Christmas pageant in the shadow of a Civil War memorial. [reading placard] "Dedicated to the brave men of Townsville who lost their lives fighting to preserve our traditions." Traditions? Wh- What? What are they saying there?

The Edible Arrangement

Meg: Um, Congresswoman Boebert, could you please stop touching me there? I'm a woman. My pants are just bunched up.

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Lois: You can talk?

Stewie: You can understand me. Oh, I've been waiting a long time to say this. Here goes: Please stop buying the cheap baby wipes. They tear me up.

Lois: Oh, great. Your first words to me are a grocery critique.

Bringing Up Brady

[At the Gillette Stadium, Tom Brady and the aports commentator are sitting on the media booth]

Sports Commentator: And that'a the end of the third quarter. We'll be right back after this word from your local station.

[Suddenly, someone knocks on the door. Tom Brady approaches it.]

Tom Brady: Who is it?

Peter: [from the door] Uh, yes, we're the family of the people murdered by Aaron Hernandez, and we're here to collect our signed football.

Tom Brady: Oh, well, you deserve at least that.

[Tom Brady opens the door, then Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe immediately enter, and are very excited.]

Peter: [excitedly] Hey, Tom!

Quagmire: [while crying tears of joy] Oh my God! I don't know what's happening!

Joe: So, Tom, what was your favorite time zone to play in?

Peter: [as he, Cleveland and Quagmire glare at Joe angrily] That was the question you were fired up about in the elevator?!

Dear Francis

[Lois and Peter are at their bedroom, having sex in the dark]

Lois: Oh, Peter! [laughs] Oh, Peter!

Peter: Oh! FRANCIS!

[Lois and Peter's eyes widen in the dark. Lois turns on the lamp, and Peter's hat falls down]

Lois: [shocked and confused] Did... did you just call me Francis?

Peter: l don't know what l said, Lois, it was the '90s!

Lois: It was 10 seconds ago.

Peter: Oh, right. I'm just so used to getting out of jams with that.

Lois: Peter, did you just yell out your dead father's name while we were having sex?

Peter: Holy crap, l think you're right. I guess l must have thought about my old man, Francis, for a second while we were doing it. Wow. [Lois glares at Peter fearfully and nervously] So... [picks up the hat] Where were we?

Lois: [Peter attempts to kiss her, but Lois pushes him back] No, Peter, l just... l need a minute. [Peter looks down disappointed and starts to leave] Leave the hat.

Viewer DMs

Lois: [narration] It all began in the land of Mordor. Forged in the fires of Spencer's gifts, Sauron created the one earring to rule them all. What followed was a massive war of elves and orcs that will someday cost Amazon Studios $2,000,000,000, just to get review bombed by racists.

Scent of a Woman

Brian: [as Meg enters Brian's car] l still can't believe you lied about cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.

Meg: What? What are you ralking about? Brian, when l said "One of my dreams," l wasn't talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's. I was talking about for the first tkme ever, actually having real fun with a family member who wasn't mocking me, or farting in my face, or telling me l'm ugly. I guess l lied to you because l just wanted this amazing trip we've been having to last a little longer.

Brian: You know what? I've has a really good time with you too, Meg.

Meg: And the truth is, when Doctor Hartman said l might die, all l could think about was spending the rest of my life with skmeone who really loves and cares about me. And that was you.

Brian: [now smiling] Of course, Meg. We're family.

[Meg smiles, then she and Brian share a hug]

Phony Montana

Brian: So what joo think? How'm I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this?

Stewie: Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.

[cutaway to Brian standing outside Cleveland's house with a cigar in one hand and an AR-15 in the other]

Brian: Hey, mailman! No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh? The sound wakes me up from my DOGGY NAPS!

[Brian shoots up Cleveland's house, and Cleveland, who is taking a bath, falls out from the house]

Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, NOOOO!!! [crash] I'm not even the courier for your postal route. That's Laverne!

Tall Stewie

Lois: Look, we are shoppin' for new pants. I can't believe you showed the entire Church your bare ass.

Peter: Well, l'm just glad everything is back to normal. [Pull back to show Peter wearing his ruined pants]

Lois: [angrily] No, it isn't! You didn't even change your pants! [Turns Peter around to show duct tape on his butt] I mean, look at you! You're a mess! You are lucky we married because no other woman would ever find you attractive.

Friend's Best Man

Brian: You read People? What a stupid magazine. [reads Dogs magazine] Snoopy, fit and fabulous at 75.

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Stewie: I'm a single unwed baby. I'm in the prime of my life right now, Bri. I've got a steady allowance, I like to time travel, I'm potty trained, and here I am, no ring on my finger.