# FoxTrot

(Redirected from Fox Trot)

FoxTrot is a daily American comic strip by cartoonist Bill Amend centering on the daily lives of the Fox family. Syndicated by Universal Press Syndicate, it began syndication on April 10, 1988, and is now carried by over 1,000 newspapers. Twenty-seven FoxTrot books have also been published and have sold over two million copies to date.

## Unsourced

### Roger Fox

Paige: Hurry up, I'm starving.
Roger: Hurry up? Paige, lighting a barbecue is an art! The last thing we want to do is hurry. From the careful stacking of the coals... to the liberal application of lighter fluid... to the graceful tossing of the match...
[Explosion of flame.]
Paige: To the near-routine dialing of 9-1-1...
Roger: That you can hurry.

Roger: (reading the sports section) I tell you, the Warriors look more and more like the team to beat. Of course, you can't discount Portland. They're most likely still the team to beat. And the Bulls, well, they're just on fire. Definitely the team to beat. But the Celtics look OK. Could be the real team to beat. Can't forget the Knicks. At home they're probably still the team to beat.
[wider panel showing that the whole family is sitting in the pews at church, with several members of the congregation staring at Roger]
Roger: Ooo - the Jazz. Now there's the team to beat.
Andy: (lifting her purse) Ask me whom I'd like to beat.
Peter: Here?
Paige: Now?
Jason: (skyward) Thank you.

Andy: [sporting a new haircut, in the early strip that introduces her "signature" hairstyle] So do you like it?
Roger: It'll do.
Andy: IT'LL DO?!?
Roger: It's a little light. Not much body.
Andy: [tearing up] You really think so?
Roger: You didn't pay much for it, I hope.
Andy: WAAAA!
Roger: [holding up a beer can] Andy, it's just a beer, for crying out loud!

Roger: Peter, why haven't you taken out the trash as I asked?!
Peter: Ask Jason to do it.
Roger: Show some responsibility, son! I asked you, not him! Honestly.
Peter: OK, OK, I'll do it.
[Later...]
Andy: Thanks for taking out the trash as I asked.
Roger: You're welcome.

Roger: I don't get it - the stupid program won't install!
Jason: Dad, duh! You bought the Windows version!
Roger: So?
Jason: So we don't have Windows!
Roger: Are you nuts?! [points to wall] There's a window right there!
Jason: Would you like me to go nuts?

Andy: Roger, LOOK at this! You call this loading the dishwasher?! The plates are in wrong... the glasses are upside down... don't you know how to do this by NOW?! From now on, I'm doing all the dishes, OK?! Not you, ME! Got it?!
Roger: [To himself, while reading the newspaper, eating potato chips and drinking a beer] Sometimes I think having no knowledge is power.
Andy: Roger, LOOK at this! You call this folding the laundry?!

Peter: In honor of Father's Day, Dad, we've decided to all pitch in and relieve you of your normal Sunday workload. Paige here will handle your watching golf and baseball on TV... Jason will take over your newspaper reading and long bathroom breaks... and I will shoulder the tasks of snacking, napping and general puttering for the day. Now you're finally free to do all those things you've had to put off, like painting the garage or cleaning out your closet!
Roger: [to Andy] Have you noticed our kids developing a cruel sense of humor?
Andy: Peter, you forgot trimming the hedges!

Andy: AARGH! This is driving me nuts! Why can't I get the checkbook to balance?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! [glares at Roger] ...she asked rhetorically.
Roger: Say, you never thanked me for paying all the bills last month.

[Using Andy's computer:] "What's it mean by "Hard Disk Destroyed"?"

Roger: [Blowing his nose] My nose has been stuffy all day. Do I have a cold or is it allergies?
iFruit: How the heck should I know?
Roger [To Andy] We spent how much on that virus detection software?

Paige: Mm-mmm! Nothing like an ice cold root BEER!
Peter: Yup. A root BEER sure hits the spot after school!
Paige: You know, I may even have two root BEERS, I'm so thirsty!
Jason: Say, are you two talking about root BEER?!
Peter: Why, yes, we are talking about root BEER!
Jason: What a coincidence! I was just thinking to myself how good this root BEER tastes!...
Roger: Remind me to never again tell the kids what I'm giving up for Lent.
Andy: I think it's cute.

Roger: [half-asleep] Coffeeeee...
Andy: The pot's over by the fridge.
Roger: Coffeeeee...
Andy: The fridge is over there.
Roger: Coffeeeee...
Andy: See that thing with the little red light?
Jason: "Morning of the Living Dead."
Andy: Roger, that's the answering machine!

Jason: Can I strap rocket engines to Paige's dolls and launch them indoors? Mom usually lets me.
Roger: Nice try. You'll launch them outdoors, mister.

Roger: Paige, your mother asked me to make you kids' lunches today. What kind of sandwich do you like?
Paige: Oh, I don't care. Peanut butter and jelly...bologna and cheese...tuna fish...whatever.
Roger: Gotcha.
[Later...]
Paige: My father is not of this earth.
Nicole: A peanut butter, tuna fish, bologna, jelly and cheese sandwich?!

Roger: [at a drive-thru] Hi. I'd like a Happy McMeal, a Junior McMeal and three Cheesy McMeals.
Order-taker: A Happy McMeal and two tacos. Anything else?
Roger: I didn't say tacos - I said a Happy McMeal, a Junior McMeal and three Cheesy McMeals.
Roger: I DIDN'T ORDER A SALAD!
Order-taker: We don't make seafood salads.
Roger: I could have sworn I deserved a break today.
Order-taker: Your total comes to $97.17. Please drive through. "Is our daughter growing, or is her clothing shrinking?" Roger: Mmm-MMM! Andy, that was one great meal! You really outdid yourself this time. The steak was cooked just the way I like it, the vegetables were nice and crisp and I don't think I've ever tasted cherry pie this delicious. I mean, how do you find these restaurants?! Andy: Ask me how I find your flattery... Andy: Roger, what is that thing in your mouth?! Roger: It's a cigar. Andy: I know that. What are you doing with it? Roger: Fred gave it to me. Check out the fancy label: Aroma del Baño. [Spanish: "Smell of the bathroom"] Andy: Roger, did you ever study Spanish in school? Roger: My pronunciation is that good, eh? [while day trading stocks online]: "These red numbers in parentheses mean I made money, right?" Peter: Dad, can't we just order pizza? Roger: [cooking at stove] Peter, your mother hasn't been gone two days. If I order pizza, it's like throwing in the towel. No sir. I'm cooking us real, stove-top dinners, even if it kills me. [Stove spontaneously bursts into flames, searing Roger]. Peter: Do you, like, rehearse this stuff, or what? Roger: [holding up a wad of money] OK, OK - no anchovies, though... Jason: [playing chess] Check. Roger: Huh? Jason: Check. Roger: But you haven't even moved a piece yet! Jason: Check. Roger: Jason, that's not possible! Jason: Let me clarify: my payment, please. Roger: [writing check] You know, most kids play chess with their fathers for free. Roger: [shopping for a Christmas tree] "Sold." "Sold." "Sold"... "Sold"... "Sold"... "Sold"... Aarg! I just knew I should have done this last weekend! Oh, wait! That little tree over there isn't sold yet... Noooooooooo!... Linus: Sorry, mister. Charlie Brown: [walking away with the tree from A Charlie Brown Christmas] You snooze, you lose! Andy: Roger, that toupee is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! Roger: Bond. James Bond. Andy: You look fine the way you are! I love the way you look! All this does is make you look silly and insecure! Can't you see that?! Roger: Here's looking at you, kid. Andy: Roger, take it back to the store. Please? I'm begging you. Roger: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. [Andy stuffs the toupee in his mouth.] Wha wa da fuh? Roger: Wow. We did a pretty good job on the ol' turkey this year. Did we finish all the stuffing too? Holy cow. I know we ate a lot, but I didn't think we are all of it! And the mashed potatoes... And the creamed onions... And the cranberry sauce... They're all gone? Hee hee - we really had quite a feast last night, didn't we? Andy: You're using the royal "we", I assume. Roger: AAAA! Did we eat all the pumpkin pie?! Roger: Paige, I hear you baked cookies today. Paige: Yeah, but they didn't turn out very well. Roger: That's OK. Mind if I help myself to a handful? Paige: Are you sure? Nobody else wanted even one. Roger: Heck, I'll take them all if no one else minds. Paige: You're so sweet, daddy! I love you! [Later, Roger has put Paige's cookies on his barbecue.] Peter: I thought we were all out of charcoal briquettes. Roger: Your mother directed me to a stash. Peter: [to Jason] Fire. Blinded by the Light. Born to Run. Do you suppose Springsteen once saw Dad trying to light charcoal? Roger: [off panel] AAAA! I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Cashier at Fun-Fun Universe: That'll be$28.40.
Roger: For one Chili Fun-Fun Burger and Fries?!
Cashier: Oops. My mistake.
Roger: Sheesh. I should say so.
Cashier: I forgot the fries. That'll be $41 even. Roger: Nothing like a vacation to make you appreciate your job. Paige: Only one? Peter ate four of those. [Roger is begging Andy's permission to dip into the family's savings account.] Roger: Pleeeease can't I buy it? Andy: No! Roger: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease can't I buy it? Andy: NO! Roger: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease can't I buy it? Andy: I SAID NO! Paige: (watching from the living room) It's like I'm having an out-of-body experience. Jason: Trust me, you never sound this pathetic. Roger: (offscreen) But it's the best golf club ever! Andy: (offscreen) Roger, no! And I don't need a back-rub! [P.O.V. shot from a camcorder, as Roger goes down a water slide.] Roger: Whoo-hoo! Yee-haw! (aims at Andy) Hey, honey, smile! Andy: (dropping her soda) Roger, you moron! That camera isn't waterproof! Roger: (sees the splashdown pool approaching) Uh-oh... [Brief underwater shot from the camera, replaced quickly by grainy static. Cut to Jason, Marcus and Quincy watching this in the living room.] Marcus: Your dad takes some pretty funny home videos. Jason: (glumly) Took. [Roger is grilling hamburgers on the barbecue; Andy looks and sees one is almost a hundred times larger than the others] Andy: You let Peter help make those, I'm guessing. Roger: (rolls his eyes) Four hamburger patties and one hamburger Patton. ### Andy Fox Andy: [After Jason annoys Paige at breakfast] "Jason, how do you get Froot Loops inside your pants?" Andy: [Andy took an allergy decongestant which has clouded her brain] Kids? Roger? Dinner's ready! Paige: [staring at the food on her plate] What the heck is this?? Andy: Stop that right now, Paige! I've had a very hard time today with my head all fogged up by decongestants, and I'd appreciate it just this once if you'd keep your comments to yourself. Peter: Does pointing out that she served us ice cream count as a comment? Paige: You heard her. Shhh! Andy: Thirds already? Why, Jason! Andy: Jane Eyre is 150 years old. Sleeping Beauty is 300 years old. The Mona Lisa is 500 years old. The Venus De Milo is 2,100 years old. Mother Earth is 4.6 billion years old! Jason: ([o Paige] Have you noticed how weird Mom gets around her birthday? Andy: I'm barely over 40! A babe! A youngster! Jason: [Dressed up like Jacob Marley from A Christmas Carol] Scrooooooooooooooge... Scroooooooooooooge... Andy: Jason, I told you, I'm not raising your allowance and that's final! Jason: Mom, this place is great! They give you stuff for free! Andy: What are you talking about? Jason: You just tell them your room number and you can have anything you want! Andy: Jason, it's not free! They're just putting it on our bill! Jason: Oops. Andy: Why didn't I pack aspirin? Paige: [Carrying several bags' worth of goodies] Get some at the gift shop. Everything's free. Andy and Roger are watching a Caribbean sunset from their hotel room. It changes colors, getting progressively darker, until it is black Screen: PLEASE SWIPE CREDIT CARD TO CONTINUE. Roger: So our hotel room has a pay-per-view... Andy: Next vacation, you let me read the brochure. Roger: [After working tiredly on taxes for three days straight] Is it even possible to sign tax forms in a legally binding state of mind? Andy: [[looks at the form] Who is "Roglp Jox"? Roger: OK, my pretty Valentine, now close your eyes... Andy: You got me flowers?! Roger: No... Andy: Chocolates?! Roger: No... Andy: JEWELRY?! Roger: Andy, geez! You've been wanting a new spatula for years! Andy: Ever wonder, Roger, why none of our kids have birthdays in November? Andy: Kids, in case you haven't noticed, it's spring. And what do people do in the spring? Peter: Play baseball. Paige: Go shopping. Jason: Watch Simpsons reruns. Andy: And?... Peter: Hit home runs. Paige: Buy cool stuff. Jason: Watch 'em again on videotape. Andy: They clean! Peter: Whoa - I'm late for practice. Paige: I told Nicole I'd meet her at Macy's. Jason: Did I say The Simpsons? I meant Oprah. [Andy is doing the bills in the kitchen. In the background is a shot of a window showing that it is cold and snowy outside.] Andy: These monthly bills are insane! How do we let them get like this?! Why can't we wear warmer clothes and keep the thermostat down? Why did we order all these fancy options for our phone line? Why do we pay for cable TV instead of living with free broadcast? [Paige wanders into the kitchen dressed in a midriff-baring shirt and shorts, holding a cordless phone receiver.] Paige: I've got Nicole and Ashley on a conference call. Is it OK if I fly to the MTV Beach House for spring break so we can wave to Carson Daly? [Later, Peter and Paige are shown huddling in front of the TV set, bundled up in winter clothing and freezing. The TV is now pulling in broadcast via a "rabbit ears" antenna.] Peter: What did you say to her?! Paige: I have no idea. TV Announcer: ["Bzzt" - static] Next on ["Bzzt" - more static] Sesame Street... Jason: Paige, you have a message on the telegraph. [Source: Your Momma Thinks Square Roots Are Vegetables, p. 107] Peter: Mom, we are having turkey for Thanksgiving, right? Andy: You've asked me that four times now, Peter. Peter: I know, but sometimes you go all tofu-happy, and I just want to be sure you aren't planning to serve us some gross and disgusting veggie meal instead. Andy: No, Peter, you'll be eating a real, honest-to-goodness dead turkey this Thursday. Its head chopped off, its blood drained out, its feathers yanked off, its organs pulled out, its cooked flesh cut and picked from its bones and put on our dinner table, all for the benefit of your little taste buds. No, sirree, there'll be nothing "gross and disgusting" served in this house. Peter: Woohoo! Thanks! Andy: Why do I even bother with sarcasm? Andy is reading Entertainment Weekly Andy: It says here that the forthcoming season of The Sopranos has not yet wrapped. Roger: I remember this season, it took them over a year to come on! Andy: I know, God only knows how long it will take this time for them to film. Jason is watching TV, now a full-grown man as he is drinking a can of beer and has grown a mustache Dr. Melfi: I need to refill your prescription. Tony Soprano: Da Prozac or da Geritol? Paige: How am I supposed to get my summer reading done with a Walkman that keeps breaking?! Andy: Permit me to count to ten before answering. Andy: Kids? What do you want for dinner tonight? Peter/Paige/Jason: Take-out pizza!/Take-out Chinese!/Take-out Mexican!/Take-out barbecue!/Take-out sushi!/Take-out burgers!/Take-out chicken! Andy: Let me rephrase that... what do you want me to make for dinner? [Dead silence.] Andy: ...Kids? Roger: Look at it this way, Sweetie - a lot of cooks work their whole lives trying to earn a reputation. Andy: Thank you, Mr. Pick-Me-Up. ### Peter Fox Peter: You must be the new girl everyone's talking about. Denise: Word travels fast. Peter: So, do you have a boyfriend? Denise: You must be the Peter Fox everyone's talking about. Peter: [To himself] Some words travel too fast. [Peter and Jason are both hooked on The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles] Peter: How's your dinner, Indy-10? Jason: Yummy. How's yours, Indy-16? Peter: Good. It reminds me of the cuisine of the tribesmen of New Guinea. They, of course, use a heavier sauce. Jason: You're forgetting I haven't been there yet. Peter: Ah, yes. It'll be the spring of 1914. You'll have fun. Oh, by the way, they'll want your head. Jason: Seems everyone does. Roger/Andy/Paige: (highly annoyed) I can only speak for me, but- Andy: [looking at Peter's report card] Peter, your grades have dropped in nearly every category! Peter: It's a fluke. A glitch. Statistical happenstance. Andy: Look at this! English, B-... Math, B... Peter: A momentary downturn. Nothing to get alarmed about. Andy: Physics, B... French, C+... Peter: But it's over. It's come and gone. Things are A-OK now. Honest. Trust me. Andy: American Government, A... Peter: It's a new quarter. Rebound City. Gonna surprise everyone. Andy: Peter, what do you want for lunch today? Peter: Oh gosh, I dunno...peanut butter and jelly would be good...bologna and cheese would be good...turkey...tuna...ham...salami...that egg salad you sometimes make... Andy: So any of those? Peter: No, no - all of those. Andy: Did I mention I saw our grocer test-driving a Porsche last week? Peter: [pouring out the final crumbs of a box of cereal] You know, these "family-sized" boxes are grossly mislabeled. Paige: [in car with Peter] Peter, you just ran a red light! Peter: I did not. It was yellow. Paige: It was red! Peter: Paige, I'm telling you, it was yellow! [A car screeches to a stop and honks its horn. Paige and Peter scream.] Peter: OK, now that light was red. Peter: Can I go over to Denise's house to study? Andy: What subject? Peter: Subject? Andy: Yes, what subject will you be studying? Peter: Chemistry? Andy: Hmm. [Cut to Peter and Denise on the sofa at Denise's house, about to kiss.] Peter: I think my mom's getting suspicious. Denise: It's not like we're lying. Peter: [after being scolded by Andy for being slow in getting ready for a Christmas church service] Sheesh! What kind of a psycho church do we belong to? They can't even give us Christmas off! Andy: I'll let that go without comment. [Throughout this Sunday strip, Peter keeps trying to go about the normal business of his school day, but Denise's name keeps popping up in everything he sees. For example, in reading Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken, he reads: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the Denise." The school lunch menu reads: "Today's Entree: Denise with Tomato Sauce." And Peter's history test contains the question, "The Battle of Leningrad was fought in the winter of:" with choices: (A) "Denise," (B) "Denise," (C) "Denise," and (D) "Denise." At the end of the strip, we cut to Peter and Denise after school, cuddling under a tree.] Peter: Denise, the next time you want us to sneak off and smooch after school, please don't tell me until after school. Denise: So how'd your big history test go? Peter: I guess I should get started on my book report. Oh, what the heck. There's always tomorrow. Paige: Isn't it due tomorrow? Peter: Yes, but there's always tomorrow morning. Paige: My brother, the Evel Knievel of homework. Peter: I guess I'll need a book. How late's the library open? Peter: This World Wide Web is pretty cool. I mean, if I wanted to, I could access NASA photos...I could go into the Library of Congress and read historical texts...I could study the art collections of numerous European museums... Steve: Emphasis on "if you wanted to." Peter: Ooo - Miss December likes ice cream! Me, too! Peter: So, Dad, I was thinking maybe I'd join the Marines. Roger: [engrossed in a golf magazine] That's nice. Peter: And become a vegan. Roger: That's nice. Peter: And start dating married women. Roger: That's nice. Peter: And have "666" tattooed on my forehead. Roger: That's nice. Peter: And stay out an hour past my curfew tonight. Roger: Think again, mister. Peter: [angrily walking away] One of these days, his filter's going to fail. Paige: [Off panel] So, Daddy, I was thinking of changing my name to a semicolon. Roger: That's nice. Peter: Rats. The fire went out. Paige, hand me that lighter fluid, will ya? Paige: Peter, it says you're not supposed to squirt this onto hot coals. Peter: Yeah, yeah. They just put that on there to protect themselves legally. Paige: I think it's on there so you don't blow yourself up. Peter: Look, Paige, I know what I'm doing! You're a girl. Girls don't know the first thing about lighting a barbeque! Paige: Fine. Do whatever you want. See what I care. Peter: [squirts on the grill, which promptly explodes in a sky-high pillar of flames] YAAAAA! Paige: You never cease to amaze me. Jason: MY KITE! Andy: I'd like to know why a baseball just came crashing through one of our windows! Peter: It was Jason's fault! Jason: My fault?! It was his fault! Andy: Since you can't seem to agree, I guess you both can clean up the mess and pay for a new window! Peter and Jason: IT WAS PAIGE'S FAULT! Peter{talking to himself}: OK, this is it. Bottom of the ninth, we are down and I am going to bat against the school's biggest rival. It is all up to you. Take the bat, give the other team's pitcher a look of confidence. And you know what to do. Umpire: Strike one! Peter swings again Umpire: Strike two! Peter swings again Umpire: Strike three, and the game is over! Peter{face buried in hat}: Mythic moments seem to go better in the movies! Groundskeeper: Young man, just letting you know the last bus for the night leaves in ten minutes. Teacher: OK, everyone, I've finished grading your tests. Mr. Fox... Peter: A '99!' I GOT A '99?!' I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I'M GONNA OWN THIS SEMESTER! Teacher: You're holding it upside down. Peter: [sheepishly] Oh. Heh heh... Teacher: People, this might be a good time to discuss the curve... Cashier: May I take your order? Peter: Yes, I'd like a burger, fries, and a root beer. Cashier: Did you want a bun with your burger? Peter: Um, Yes. Cashier: And did you want potato in your french fries? Peter: How else? Cashier: Did you say root beer? We don't have diet root beer. Peter: I meant regular root beer. Cashier: Syd, I have a high-carb special order coming through. It might be a few minutes-he needs to find a bun. Peter: This Atkins craze can't end soon enough. Customer: Can I exchange this salad? It has a crouton. Teacher: OK, class, this weekend I want you to do Chapter One, problems 8-12, 15, 17, 19, 24, 25, 30-40 and 42. Peter, you have a question? Peter: Couldn't you just e-mail us this, so we wouldn't have to bother writing it all down?... Steve: [later] Well, he certainly simplified things for you, Mr. E-Mail. Peter: How am I supposed to do every problem in the book?! Andy: Peter, what are you eating?! Peter: A microwave burrito. Andy: NOW?! Peter: Why not? Andy: Dinner's in 10 minutes! Peter: So? Andy: What do you mean "so"?! Peter: {annoyed} It doesn't take 10 minutes to eat a burrito, mom. [after Peter burns himself up with the grill] Roger: The script says I was supposed to do that. Peter: Happy Father's Day, Dad. Teacher: Peter, about your paragraph on Thomas Edison... Peter: What about it? Teacher: It's a word-for-word copy of what's on Wikipedia. I expect you to do original work. Peter: Who's to say I didn't write the Wikipedia entry myself? Teacher: Save the loopholes for law school, son. Andy: Peter, Mrs. Ellensworth just called. She saw you speeding down the street near them like a runaway missile. Peter: It wasn't me! I swear! Jason: We were going much too fast to be seen. Peter: You keep quiet. Lab explosion Teacher: And to think I used to wonder if I was underpaid. Peter{sheepish}: I take it we were not supposed to shake that vial that had the label that said DO NOT SHAKE? Steve: Egad! My pants are dissolving! Peter: Who wants to see me put 10 squirts of hot sauce on my taco? Who wants to see me put 20 squirts of hot sauce on my taco? Who wants to see me put this entire bottle of hot sauce on my taco? Jason: (watching with Paige) Ah, the tears of a clown. Andy: (off-panel) Peter, dear, sucking on the ice maker won't get it to work faster. Jason: I can eat this dinner in six bites. Peter: I can eat this dinner in five bites. Jason: Four bites. Peter: Three bites. Jason: Two bites. Peter: One bite. Jason: Eat that dinner. Paige: (to Jason) I notice you always start with an even number. Peter: Mpghltz! Andy: Peter, must we go through this every night?! [Peter is on the couch, watching the television with the remote in his hand.] Carson Daly: Hi, I'm Carson Daly, and you're watching MTV's Thanksgiving-Break Beach Spectacular! Coming up, we've got performances by the Backstreet Boys! Ricky Martin! N Sync! 98 Degrees! But first, "Survivor"'s Richard Hatch is going to teach me how to crab-walk... Paige: I guess you really did eat so much turkey you can't move. Peter: (through tight lips) For the love of humanity, help me press this remote. Carson Daly: Wait a minute... naked?! [Peter is watching television.] Announcer: Coming up next, it's the show that pits television producers against each other in furious competition! Watch as they each propose newer and ever more bizarre ways to pander to the viewing public's voyeuristic impulses! At stake are millions! Who will walk away with it?! Whose show will land a network deal?! Find out on Reality Series: The Reality Series. Peter: You just knew it would come to this. [Peter is in the principal's office.] Mr. Krimpshaw: Peter, we both know that fighting simply cannot be tolerated. I'm afraid that your punishment will have to be one of severe magnitude. Peter: I understand. Mr. Krimpshaw: Detention: two weeks. Peter: Yes, sir. Mr. Krimpshaw: Clean-up detail: one week. Peter: Yes, sir. Mr. Krimpshaw: Probation: three months effective next fall. Peter: Yes, sir. Mr. Krimpshaw: And of course, I'll be calling your parents. Peter: AAAA! Mr. Krimpshaw: (thinking) God, I love this job. Peter: (on his knees) Sir... please... I beseech you... ### Paige Fox Paige: Still no messages? That's three straight days without a single, solitary email! I... I think I'm going to cry... [Downstairs.] Paige: (offscreen) HALLELUJAH! Peter: That truck stop must have finally painted its bathroom. Jason: (holding up a felt pen) Then Jazorro shall ride again. Paige: (slams down the phone) Mother!!!! Andy: Paige, what is it? Paige: These weirdos keep calling me up! I don't even know who they are! This one guy called all the way from Norway! What in the WORLD is going on?! Andy: (glancing upstairs) Well, if I had to guess... [in Andy's office upstairs, Jason and Marcus are at the computer] Marcus: The Internet: the ultimate bathroom wall. Jason: How's this? "For a really, really good time, call Paige..." Paige: [reading from Anthony and Cleopatra during an open audition for the play at school] "'My defecation does begin to make a better life. 'Tis paltry to be Caesar...' Oops - I mean 'desolation.'" Director: This may be a good time to mention that we are also looking for stagehands... Paige's Short Story: "Having slayed the dragon, having killed the wicked troll, there was only one task now remaining for Sir Galahunk. That was to ask the princess for her hand in marriage. Of course, they'd only just met, but Galahunk wanted commitment. Galahunk wanted monogamy. And Galahunk knew he'd never find a better catch." Andy: Talk about your fairy tales... Paige: That good, huh? Paige: I know I sound like a broken CD, Mother, but I just wish I could have a spring break like they show on TV! I want to go someplace warm and wet, where people go crazy! Jason: [in ninja costume] Bad news, Mom. My ninja star punctured the hot water heater. Andy: Feel free to follow me into the basement, Paige. Paige: I mean good crazy. Paige: Mom, can you read my book report? Andy: I'd be happy to, Paige. Book Report: "Ernest Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms is about zgwqolm and epxmhjdkav. The central character is Dgejhgp and the main themes are yqmnezxprb and tthja nwvkjd." Paige: (Handing Andy a pen) Feel free to fix any typos, by the way. Andy: Nice try. Andy: How's your French coming along? Paige: Excuse me? Andy: I asked how your French homework was coming along. Paige: Excuse me? Andy: Paige, don't you start this nonsense, also. Paige: My freedom homework is coming along fine. Paige: [to herself, as she prepares to give a speech in her social studies class] OK, Paige, it's just a three-minute speech. Don't be nervous. Do what Dad said: imagine everyone is in their underwear. Yowza! It's like a Chippendales show! I've really got to stop listening to Dad. Teacher: Miss Fox, can we get this started sometime today? iFruit: Welcome, Paige_Fox88. You have 21,752 new messages. [lists messages] "Purchase Jasonsoft's Spam-Block Software!" "Purchase Jasonsoft's Spam-Block Software!" "Purchase Jasonsoft's Spam-Block Software!" ... Paige: [to Jason, drawing her fist back to punch him] Allow me to hand-deliver my 21,752 replies. Jason: E-mail's fine! Really! Paige: Great. I'm sunburned. You know what that means, don't you? Peter: You won't be able to sleep. Paige: Worse. Peter: Down the road, you're going to have wrinkly, leathery, prematurely aged skin. Paige: Worse. Peter: You've increased the likelihood of your developing skin cancer by 100 percent. Paige: No, I'm gonna PEEL! Ick!... Peter: No!... Paige: They say you can tell the seasons by the constellations. But here we are about to go into a new school year, and I don't see anything suggesting that. Peter: Imagine the big dipper filled with cafeteria glop. Paige: Urpa Major. OK, that works. [to the ice cream vendor, after she dashed out of her bedroom to meet him when she heard the tinkling of the vendor's vehicle's bell]: "Your name wouldn't by any chance be Pavlov, would it?" Paige: [reading "Antony and Cleopatra"] "An argument that he is pluck'd, when hither he sends so poor a pinion of his wing, which had superfluous kings for messengers, not many moons gone by"?!?!?!? English literature my buns... This is Martian literature. Jason: No, no - I'd recognize Martian. Teacher: OK, Next? Paige: [trying out for cheerleading] C'MON, TEAM, MAKE 'EM FUME AND FUSS...SEND 'EM HOME LOSERS IN THEIR LOSER PUS! - I mean bus. Teacher: Next... Paige: Nicole, check it out! We've got 2nd period Advanced English together! Paige and Nicole: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! (pause) THEY PUT US IN ADVANCED ENGLISH! AAAAAAAA! Roger: Paige, can you grab my wallet from the counter? I need my credit card number. Paige: It's 24050-1081-2243-01009. Expiration 06/02. Roger: You know, for a girl who can't remember half her homework assignments... Jason: What's that? Paige: It's a letter from the president of Blizzerbund Software. Jason: No way! What's it say? What's it say? Paige: "Dear Ms. Fox, thank you for your evaluation of our Riviablo CD-ROM beta. Per your suggestions, the final version of the game will have less violence, cuter monsters, and significantly easier puzzles. P.S. Thanks especially for the great idea to change the game's title to 'Happy Town.'" [Later:] Peter: I thought they sent you a form letter. Paige: Oops. You're right. I must've misread it. Andy: [off panel] Jason, will you stop bawling long enough to tell me what's wrong?! Mrs. O'Dell: Katie misbehaved more than usual this morning. So I told her she can't watch any TV or videos while you were here [babysitting]. You know, as her punishment. Katie: Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Blue's Clues! Paige: Her punishment? Paige: At least I got paid [to babysit]. Can you imagine having to deal with kids for free? Andy: You're asking me this? Paige: Shoot, we're out of asprin. Who goes through this stuff so fast? Mrs. O'Dell: Paige, you look a little tired. Are you sure you're up to babysitting? Paige: [half asleep] Don't be silly, Ms. O'Dell. I'm fine. Your pillow and I will have a great time together. Mrs. O'Dell: Pillow? Paige: I mean sofa. I mean bed. I mean daughter. Paige:My first final exam is over! The math class from hell is finito! I won't be needing these notes anymore. Woo-hoo!(tears up pages in binder) Peter: You studied Macbeth in math class? Paige: AAAA! Wrong binder! Get some tape! Paige: I can't believe how trashy this talk show is. It's nothing but sex, vulgarity, deviancy and fighting. It has not one redeeming value. No thoughtful discussions...no good examples...nothing but pure, one hundred percent trash. Andy: So why do you watch it? Paige: I just told you. [Later] Jason: Any idea why Mom is outside screaming? Paige: [Cheering along with the audience on the talk show] HOOT! HOOT! HOOT! Paige: Please can I go see Interview with the Vampire?? Andy: No. Paige: Pleeease can I go see Interview with the Vampire?? Andy: No. Paige: [bursting into tears] WAAAAAAAAAA! WHY NOT?? Andy: Because the movie is rated 'R'! Paige: C'mon - I'm mature enough... Andy: [holding up a tear-soaked paper] Jason, fetch me that sponge. Jason: See, the Highlander is an immortal, which means he can't be killed. Paige: Uh-huh. Jason: ...Unless he gets his head chopped off, which is why they all carry swords under their coats. Paige: And you actually watch this show?! Jason: What? - It's cool! Paige: Jason, that is the most ridiculous and unbelievable premise for a TV show that I've ever heard of! I can't believe you buy into this nonsense! [Cut to Paige and Peter watching TV] Paige: See, Billy and Allison were going to get married, but then Billy married Brooke and Allison married Brooke's dad. Peter: Uh-huh. Katie O'Dell: Pag! Paige: Katie, did you just say my name? Katie O'Dell: Pag! Paige: You did! You said my name! Katie, sweetie, you're so cute! I can't believe you said my name! This is something I'll never forget! Katie O'Dell: [Holding up a stuffed pig] Pag! Paige: Not that I won't try to. Paige: DIE, YOU STUPID LITTLE GOOMBA!! Peter: Paige is playing Nintendo??? Andy: I think she's talking to Jason. [repeated line, when dreaming]: "Ooooo, Pierre..." [Paige is doing her math homework.] Math Textbook: "Farmer Bob wants to grow dates on 25 percent of his 118-acre farm." ... "Assuming that Train A heads west and Train B heads east, on what date will they..." ... "If archaeologist Jones wishes to carbon date one-seventh the number of fossilized dates that archaeologist Smith has dated to date..." Paige: I swear, this math book was written by a sadist. Andy: Another Saturday night of homework? Wow. Paige: Your stupid iguana chewed up my book report! Jason: Oops. Paige: It's totally ruined! It's in little scraps all over my floor! I thought we had an understanding, Jason! I wanted my math assignment chewed up! The book report I liked! Jason: He'll do the next two for free. How's that? Paige: I'm ready for the dance. How do I look? Andy: Beautiful! Roger: Sensational! Peter: Almost babe-like! Jason: Hideous. Paige: AAAA! DO I really?? Paige: I have to write this paper... I can't fall asleep... Must stay wake... Can't fall... Can't... fall... [begins to dream] Frosty the Snowman: What? You were expecting Freddy Krueger? Paige: Frosty! You're real! Snoopy: You two go play - I'll finish this essay. Paige: Oh, mother, I've just had the most wonderful dream! I was in the land of TV Christmas Specials! I met Frosty and Rudolph and Snoopy... It was so, so magical! I forgot all about that miserable English paper that's been ruining my mood! Andy: You mean, the one you've barely started and that's due in 14 hours? Paige: Um... You're a mean one, Mrs. Grinch. Paige: Hey! My chocolate rabbit is hollow! There's nothing but air inside! It's defective! Andy: I think they're supposed to be hollow, Paige. Paige: SAYS YOU!!. Jason: Can I have the Hershey Syrup when you're done? Jason: Hey, Paige, I didn't know you and Jane Goodall were buddies! Paige: What are you talking about? Jason: This magazine has a picture of you two standing arm-in-arm in the jungle. Paige: She has her arm around a chimpanzee! Jason: Oh. Whoops. My mistake. Paige: That is so mean! Give me that! [Later] Paige: Hey, Peter, I didn't know you and Jane Goodall were buddies! Peter: What are you talking about? [baking Christmas cookies]: "I couldn't find the baking soda, so I used Diet Pepsi. Is that OK?" [Paige has two chocolate bunnies] Paige: Betty the chocolate rabbit, I'd like you to meet Ricky the chocolate rabbit. Peter: Give it up, Paige. They aren't going to reproduce. Paige: A girl can dream, can't she? Power outage Paige: I thought the storm was bad. I thought this assignment was bad. I thought having no electricity was bad. But this has got to take the cake. Peter: That you're studying by the light of a glow-in-the-dark Dracula model? Paige: That I'm paying for the privilege to do so. Jason: Low rates, Peter. I've got a Wolfman if you're interested. Paige: You'd be proud of me, Dr. Ting. Dr. Ting: Oh? Paige: Even though our power went out from the storm, I somehow managed to read the assigned 46 chapters in our textbook using the light from birthday candles, glow-in-the-dark toys, and the occasional flashes from lightning. It was a total nightmare, but I am ready for today's quiz! I mean, we are having a quiz today, aren't we? Dr. Ting: [sheepishly] Well, see, my power went out too, and since I keep quizzes on my computer... [a few seconds later] Offscreen Voice: Paige! Don't! That book is school property! Dr. Ting: But you're right - I am proud of you. Paige: (singing while reading a magazine) Shop! In the name of loooove... Peter: Stop, Paige! Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Paige: (singing) Stop! In the name of loooove... Peter: (covering his ears) No, stop singing! Teacher: Greetings, class. Welcome to Freshman English. A number of you have inquired as to the sort of grading curve I will be employing with regard to test scores and essays. My answer is simple: "Never send to know for whom the bell curve tolls; it tolls for thee". (Dead silence) Teacher: You know, if you'd done the assigned reading, you'd think that was funny. (Paige, along with the rest of the class, lets out a loud, fake laugh.) Jason: Suppose someone made chocolate chip cookies but left out the chocolate chips? What would you call them then? I mean, you can't just call them "cookies". And "chipless chocolate chip cookies" sounds sort of awkward. Hmm... Paige: (scooping a handful) Personally, I'd call them "a crime against humanity." Jason: We're trying to have a serious discussion here, Paige! Marcus: Actually, I kind of agree with her. ### Jason Fox Jason: (dressed as "Iguanoman") Could you please direct me to Earth? Paige: This is Earth, you little geek! Jason: Right. And I suppose you're going to tell me you're human. Paige: Actually, I'm on the verge of going ape... [As "The Lone Iguana"] Jason: (to Paige) 'Scuse me, ma'am? Have you seen this here varmint? (holds up Paige's prom photo) She's wanted for illegally impersonating a horse. 'Course, she got the face and butt all mixed up. [Cut to later, as a beaten-up Jason is showing the photo to Peter.] Jason: That, and attempted murder. Peter: Jason, go away. Jason: [Holding stocking] Wow! I can't believe dad got me a Beavis stocking! Peter: [Holding stocking] I can't believe dad got me a Butthead one! Peter and Jason: Hnnhuhhunnhuuhnnhunnmmhuuhnnhhnuhnmmm... Paige: [covering her ears] They can't believe it?!!??! Roger: The lady at the store said they were quite they rage. Andy: Let me show you rage. Jason: [coughing into a mug] Hack! Khack! Khack! Hack! [hands mug to Roger] Here you go, Dad. Roger: What's this? Jason: I'm the cougher, which makes this mug the coughee. It's what you asked for. Roger: Son, let me spell a few things out for you... Roger: You're still awake? Jason: Mom said I could read in bed. Roger: Jason, it's practically midnight! Everyone else is asleep! Can't you do that earlier? Jason: This is the only time Paige doesn't notice her diary is missing. Miss O'Malley: [off panel; the first three panels show Jason sitting back at his desk, grinning] Welcome back to school, class. I trust you all had a good summer vacation. I don't really have too much planned for today, except to... um... except to... All right, who wrote "Give really hard math test" on my "To Do" list?! Andy: [later, at home] This note says the principal had to rescue you from some sort of mob. Jason: It's been three months! You'd think everyone would want one! Jason: [to Andy] MOM, PETER RENTED "GRAND ZOMBIE AUTO 3"! THE VIDEO GAME VOTED "MOST LIKELY TO SCAR CHILDREN" BY THE EDITORS OF GOOD PARENTING DIGEST! THE GAME CALLED "SICK," "TWISTED" AND "DEEPLY, DEEPLY DISTURBING" BY A PANEL OF LEADING PSYCHOLOGISTS! THE GAME WITH FOUR TIMES THE VIOLENCE PER PIXEL THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THE MARKET! AND HE'S BARELY LETTING ME PLAY IT AT ALL! [Cut to Jason and Peter playing cards] Jason: Why is it that when I tell on you, we both get in trouble? Peter: Go figure. And go fish. Jason: [trick-or-treating, wearing a mask shaped like a computer monitor] A fatal exception ØE has occurred. Neighbor: AAAA! Jason: The current application will be terminated. Neighbor: AAAA! Jason: Press any key to continue. Neighbor: [emptying entire bowl of candy into Jason's trick-or-treat bag] Here! Take it all! Just go away! Please! Marcus: [dressed as Spider-Man] I wish I'd thought of dressing as a Blue Screen of Death. Jason: [looking at the candy in his bag] I feel like I should send Microsoft some of this. Jason: Hey, Paige, want help with your math homework? Paige: Nope. Jason: Want help with your science homework? Paige: Nope. Jason: Want help with any of your homework? Paige: Nope. Jason: Hmmm. You're either getting smarter or wiser. Paige: [sternly] By the way, Shakespeare's first name was "William," not "Chet." [Roger gives Andy a valentine card.] Andy: For me? Roger, how sweet. Roger: And I mean every word. Andy: [Reads card to herself] "Dear Fatso: Roses are red, violets are blue; if something smells bad, it's gotta be you. Roses are red, emeralds green; you must weigh more than a washing machine. Roses are red, like a huge fiery comet; your face would make even Quasimodo vomit. Roses are red, tomatoes are too; if I had one now, I'd throw it at you. Roses are red, daffodils gold; you might look better if you scraped off that mold. Roses are red, looming huge to the ant; I wish you would drown in a waste treatment pl-" [By now, Andy is visibly angry. Cut to Paige reading a card that Jason has just given her.] Paige: "Your kisses sweet, like angels' song..." Jason: Uh-oh. Roger: [off panel] Andy, OW! Peter: This stupid fly is driving me crazy! Jason: Wait! Don't kill it. I always try to catch flies alive if I can. Peter: So you can let them go outside? Jason: So I can let them go in Paige's room. Jason's Voice on the Answering Machine: (CLICK) You've reached the Fox residence. Please leave your name and number at the beep. But first, a song: [starts singing] A million bottles of beer on the wall, a million bottles... [Caller hangs up without leaving a message. Later on Andy and Roger return home] Roger: No messages again! Are you sure this thing isn't broken? Andy: Jason said it was working fine. Jason's Voice on the Answering Machine: (CLICK) You've reached the Fox residence. At the sound of the beep, please leave a brief message with your name and number. But first, here's Roger Fox with a message of his own... [He carries the machine up the stairs to the bathroom, where Roger is showering.] Roger: [singing] "I'm just a love machine, and I won't work for anybody but you..." [later:] Jason: Don't blame me, Dad. You're the one who bought a cord long enough to reach upstairs. Roger: [clutching the answering machine with both hands] You did this how many weeks ago?! Jason: Your momma thinks square roots are vegetables. Marcus: Oh, yeah? Your momma thinks polygons turn into frogs. Jason: Well, your momma couldn't integrate a nested trig function, even if you let her use a computer. Miss O'Malley: Boys, I said no trash talking before tests. Jason: Sorry, Miss O'Malley. Marcus: Oh, man, that last one hurt. Andy: Whatcha doing? Jason: Writing a letter to Santa Claus. Andy: The big guy himself, eh? Jason: I figure it's worth a shot. I mean, I'll acknowledge there's no proof he exists, but if he does, and I didn't write this, I'd be missing out on one heck of an opportunity. Andy: So what's it say? Jason: It's just a simple little note. Nothing you'd be interested in. Andy: [reaching for letter] Oh, come on - let me see. Jason: [holds note away from Andy] Uh... Andy: [reading note] "Dear Fatso, I want no presents. Sincerely, Paige Fox." Jason: Hey - I wanted to have a merry Christmas. What can I say? Jason: Lard Butt. Paige: Go away. Jason: Zit Kisser. Paige: Go away! Jason: Maggot Breath. Paige: GO AWAY! Marcus: The rattlesnakes are OK, but what I really like is the expression on little PJ's face. Jason: I had help on that one... Jason types the nursery rhyme "Mary Had a Little Lamb" into the word processor as "Marry hat hey lid tell lam, ids fleas woes wide has know." He runs the spell checker, which finds no errors. Jason: [To Peter] If you ever want to feel superior to a computer... "Can you believe it? I'm going to go back to school [with a Garfield binder] and everyone's gonna think I'm some drippy nerd. Maybe if I wear my Wrath of Khan T-shirt..." [Jason and Roger are watching a football game.] Jason: I can't believe that receiver didn't score! Roger: No kidding! Jason: The defender was totally out of position! Roger: No kidding! Jason: All he had to do was Left-Stick up, B-Button, A-Button, R1, L2, R1, and Boom! Touchdown! [Later...] Paige: Who threw our video game system in the trash? (Who's Up For Some Bonding? p. 93) Jason: Hey Paige, check it out - I made a snowman that looks just like you! Paige: And so conveniently in the middle of the street. Jason: Oh, look - here comes a plow... Jason: I had to paint [this model rocket] four times to get the exact shade of white the Apollos had. I didn't forget a single detail. [launches rocket] Peter: Except maybe for the parachute. Jason: AAAA! Jason's Voice on the Answering Machine: (CLICK) Hello and welcome to the Jason Fox Hotline-Your 24-hour source for all things Jason. For breakfast today, I had Cheerios and- [Later...] Roger: Why does everyone sound so darn grouchy on this thing? Jason: Must be the tape. Jason: [golfing]${\displaystyle {\sqrt {16}}!}$ Roger: Just yell "fore," son. Jason: Hey, Paige, would you like me to fix you a P.B. and J. sandwich? Paige: Define P.B. and J. Jason: Peanut butter and jelly. Paige: Just checking. Sure. (Later:) Jason: [To himself] Okay, so technically I left out a comma... Paige: [Gagging] BLECCH! What's IN this?? Margarine?? Jason: Mom, can Marcus sleep over tonight? Andy: It's OK with me if it's OK with your father. Jason: Dad, can Marcus sleep over tonight? Roger: It's OK with me if it's OK with your mother. Jason: [On the phone, reading a massive book titled "Logic"] Marcus, are you still there?... Jason: [playing football] Hutt one...hutt two...hutt three...point 141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628 034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701 93852110555964462294...um...4...um...whose idea was it to hike the ball on pi again? Marcus: Yours. Now keep going. Andy: Jason, please - I have to go start dinner. Jason: This'll only take a second. Which do you think works better for Halloween - having these fake intestines spilling out of my stomach or dangling from my mouth? Andy: I guess dinner can wait. Jason: In that case, let me also ask you about these glue-on boils... "All your base are belong to us!" iFruit: Welcome to iFruit. Hug me. Jason: Never. iFruit: I should remind you that I have all your Doomathon III saved games on my hard disk and no floppy drive to make backups. It would be a shame if somehow some critical bits got flipped in the data.... Jason: Suddenly it's clear to me why you're made with bullet-proof plastics. Peter: What are you looking at? Jason: Wikipedia. It's this totally cool online encyclopedia that lets users update and edit its information. It's the greatest thing. Watch. Pretend you want to know about warthogs. Peter: Is that a picture of our sister? Jason: Now let's pretend you want to know about rabies... Jason: Yowza! I got two gumballs! The machine screwed up! I beat the system! I got two gumballs! Two fabulous, wonderful, succulent gumballs! Yes yes yes! Girl: I think it was supposed to give you three. Jason: Huh? ... Two measly gumballs. Girl: Yowza! I got four gumballs! Paige: I keep forgetting, what's the cosine of 60 degrees? Jason: Well, let's see...if I recall correctly...${\displaystyle 1-{\frac {(\pi /3)^{2}}{2!}}+{\frac {(\pi /3)^{4}}{4!}}-{\frac {(\pi /3)^{6}}{6!}}+{\frac {(\pi /3)^{8}}{8!}}-{\frac {(\pi /3)^{10}}{10!}}+{\frac {(\pi /3)^{12}}{12!}}-{\frac {(\pi /3)^{14}}{14!}}+{\frac {(\pi /3)^{16}}{16!}}-}$ ${\displaystyle {\frac {(\pi /3)^{18}}{18!}}+{\frac {(\pi /3)^{20}}{20!}}-{\frac {(\pi /3)^{22}}{22!}}-{\frac {(\pi /3)^{24}}{24!}}+{\frac {(\pi /3)^{26}}{26!}}-{\frac {(\pi /3)^{28}}{28!}}+{\frac {(\pi /3)^{30}}{30!}}-{\frac {(\pi /3)^{32}}{32!}}}$... Paige: In case you've forgotten, I'm not paying you by the hour. Jason: 1/2. "I knew we should've gone with the ten-quart hats instead." Roger: Who keeps drawing these antennae on Beetle Bailey? Andy: Doubtless the same person who's been drawing shells on the kids in "Peanuts". Peter: And laces on the bird in "Shoe". Paige: And thorns all over "Rose is Rose". Jason: [thinking] The Mad Literalist strikes again. Jason's Voice on the Answering Machine: (BEEP) To leave a message for Jason, press "1." To leave a message for Peter, press "2." To leave a message for Paige, press "666." (Later...) Andy: I found the reason for our minister's weird phone message. Roger: That fire and brimstone thing? "I'm telling you, Dad, stocks don't go down." [in response to his mom buying an iFruit computer] "iThink iWill bSick." [Chatting with Sgt. Neelie (Eileen Jacobson) in an online World of Warquest game. Eileen doesn't know she's talking to Jason - or, at least, Jason thinks Eileen doesn't know.] Jason: So tell me more about this Jason at your school. Eileen: Gosh, where to begin... He's annoying... He's immature... He's as dweeby as can be... Why would you want to hear about such a painful little twit? Jason: Er, just a masochist, I guess. Eileen: Imagine Gollum with glasses... [Jason and Marcus are watching a home video on the TV.] Jason's Voice on Tape: If Roger Fox can sink this putt, he'll make his first par in six weeks. It's a simple two-footer. Uphill. No break. [tap] Oh, my. He's left it short. Let's zoom in and get a good look at that face... Jason: And people think watching good golf is entertaining. Marcus: Skip to the hole where he throws you and the camera in the lake. Jason: Well, let's see what's in the ol' lunchbox today...a pack of Twinkies, a pack of Twinkies, and another pack of Twinkies. Mm-mmm. Marcus: How'd you manage that? Paige: [separate scene] Since when do I get two sandwiches and an apple? Peter: Since when do I get two apples with my sandwich? Paige: [eating sandwich at school] EWWWWW! Andy: [separate scene, drinking tea with a friend] I'm not kidding-He wanted peanut butter and mayonnaise. Jason: [eating lunch with Marcus] ...So then I switched bags... Jason: Hey Paige, wanna see the mystery novel I'm writing? Paige: No. Jason: C'mon, don't you want to see even a LITTLE of it? Paige: No! Jason: Pleeease? Are you SURE you don't want to see it? Paige: OK, OK! I'LL LOOK AT IT! Jason: Tough. It's top secret. Ba ha ha ha ha! Paige: Speaking of mysteries... Jason: Mom, what are you doing?! Andy: Taking away this video game cartridge, for starters. Jason: But you can't! I bought it with my Christmas money! It's mine! Andy: Jason, I told you two weeks ago that I didn't want Mortal Karnage II coming into this house. You have no one to blame but yourself. Jason: But...but... Andy: You're too young for this sort of thing. I mean, look at what it teaches: that human disembowelment is entertainment...that "winners" decapitate their enemies...that carnage is spelled with a "K"... Jason: I know carnage isn't spelled with a "K". Andy: The sad part is, that's the least of my concerns. Andy: Gretchen's a SNAKE?! Jason: She's Miss O'Malley's boa constrictor. Andy: You made that Valentine's Day card for a snake?! Jason: Who'd you think it was for? Andy: Well, for starters, a girl. Jason: Eew! Gross! Ick! What kind of a weirdo do you think I am?! Andy: Don't ask. Jason: Would it be okay if Marcus and I built an android this weekend? Paige: AAAA! Who taped over Melrose Place?! Jason: Hey, don't blame me. You left the tape in the machine, dummy. When you record something, you should either watch it right away or take out the casette. How am I supposed to know what you've seen and what you haven't?! Paige: You recorded a basketball game? Jason: AAAA! Who taped over Babylon 5?! Peter: Hey, don't blame me. [Unbeknownst to Paige, Jason, carrying a tape recorder, holds up a microphone to Paige as she talks on the phone.] Paige: Mr. Vivona says we have to cut three newspaper articles out for Social Studies every day this week, and the only pair of scissors I have is like totally dull. [Cut to Jason cutting, pasting and re-splicing bits of Paige's dialogue on the computer.] Paige's Voice [as Jason plays back file]: "I cut Social Studies every day this week. Mr. Vivona is totally dull." Jason: I wonder what little brothers did back in the days before computers. Marcus: I think you should blackmail Paige, then play it for your mom anyway. "It's unbelievable! The Cartoon Network is running live-action sitcoms now! They're the Cartoon Network! They're supposed to run cartoons! How can they get away with this?! It'd be like a news network running stuff besides news!" [playing World of Warquest] "I am Glog Malblood, Orc of Centurion!!! Prepare to face my wrath, puny night elf!!! Just don't touch me. I'm not sure this armor protects me from cooties." Jason's Voice on Answering Machine: "Hello. You've reached the Fox residence. To leave a message, press the square root of 1,296 minus the cube root of 13,824 times 17.5 minus the 4th root of 1,908,029,761. Sorry. Time's up. Goodbye." [Click] Roger: I've figured out what's the matter. Andy: With the answering machine, or our son? Jason: (pacing in front of the TV, crying) Waa! Waa! Waa! Andy: I'm starting to think Nintendo misnamed the Wii. Roger: Jason, waiting until Christmas won't kill you! Andy: What's that? Jason: A petition signed by all of my classmates. They're demanding you let me play World of Warquest these last two weeks of school. Andy: Jason, I want you to do your best on final exams. If you play that game, it's not going to happen. Your classmates realize this. Why don't you? Jason: Hmm. That would explain all the repeat signatures. Jason: [playing a home version of Jeopardy] I'll take "Monster Monikers" for$100, Alex.
Marcus: "She-Beast. Leviathan. Hell-Demon."
Jason: Again, who is Paige?
Marcus: Correct. And you've run the category.
Peter: Um, speaking of running...
Paige: [shouting angrily as she reads from the dictionary] "Jeopardy: Exposure to or imminence of death, loss or injury..."

"Hello, FBI? I was wondering if you could send me some information about becoming an X-Files agent. You know, like in the TV show. The people who investigate things like UFOs and alien encounters and- Hello? Hello, are you there? They keep hanging up on me. Darned conspiracy of silence."

Jason: [wants to buy additional strings of Christmas lights to spell out this message to airplanes flying overheard from the roof:] "Have fun finding your luggage and making connections in this weather! Ha ha ha!" Right now I've only got enough for one "Ha."
Andy: You know how, occasionally, you read about an airplane dumping its fuel?

Andy: What time did you get home last night?
Jason: 12:18.
Andy: Isn't that later than we agreed?
Jason: Yes.
Andy: What were you doing?
Jason: Holding hands on the front porch with some boy for a half-hour.
Andy: Jason, I'm talking to you sister.
Paige: I wish you'd talk to him.
Jason: Ask her what she did to my camera...

Jason: Fine. How was your milk?
Peter: Fine. Your's didn't taste a little, oh... salty?
Jason: No. Should it have?
Peter: Well, considering that I emptied half the saltshaker in it...
Jason: I switched glasses while you were in the kitchen.
Peter: I figured you would, so I put the salt in my glass.
Jason: I thought of that, so I switched 'em again.
Peter: I saw you. I switched 'em back.
Jason: I knew you saw me, so I only pretended to switch 'em.
Peter: Liar - you drank the salt!
Jason: No siree - my milk was lip-smacking good.
Andy: What are you two arguing about?!
Peter: We need to know which one of us should be throwing up right now.
Jason: Let's see... I switched 'em, then you switched 'em...
[Paige is choking on her milk]
Roger: Paige, what's wrong?

Jason: Marcus... World Eight... dungeon... Bowser... Princess... He did it! AAAAA!
Andy: ...Roger, check the date on that milk carton.
Jason: He called me "Goomba-Boy".

Jason: Let's see... Is there anything our snow fort is missing? We've got a titanium shell... nuclear-tipped cruise missiles... an intruder-alert radar system... grenade launchers... a computerized command center...
Paige: [off panel] Try snow, you little geeks!
Jason: Sound-proof walls...
Marcus: Maybe some guard dogs?...

Jason: ...And it's said that if you listen, you can still hear the sound of his beating heart!
Paige: Lame.
Jason: ...And there, dangling from the car door's handle, was a bloody metal claw!
Paige: Yawn.
Jason: ...It's wasn't until they got home that they learned the McCoy Lodge had burned down 25 years ago!
Paige: Face it, Jason. You can't scare me.
Jason: [pauses, then continues] ...And when she opened the closet, all the clothes were polyester!
Paige: AAAA!
Jason: I just needed to warm up.
Paige: Tell me it's not true! Tell me it's not true!

Jason: [dressed in green leprechaun's hat, holding a bubble pipe in one hand and a walking stick in the other] Top o' the mornin' to ya, Pappy!
Roger: It's good to see you in the St. Patrick's Day spirit, son.
Jason: I'm glad to hear you say that. Later I'll be donning a Notre Dame jersey and performing selected jigs from Riverdance while whistling the Irish Spring soap jingle, while tossing Lucky Charms cereal into the air after dyeing my entire body green, all out in front of the house so the whole neighborhood can watch. Unless you were to, say, lift Mom's ban on video games and glue me to the television...
Roger: I can see why so many people head for bars today.

Jason: Hey, Paige - what do you want for Christmas?
Paige: I dunno. New sunglasses... a watch... a leather jacket... why?
Jason: I'm trying to figure out what to ask Santa for for Christmas.
Paige: So what'd you ask what I want?
Jason: I want to get the anti-matter versions of your presents. That way, when they come into contact with your stuff, it'll all blow up. Haven't you ever seen "Star Trek"? Now, then, was a particular style of sunglasses you wanted?
Paige: Tell me, do you come in an anti-matter version?

Jason: Mom, can I use your computer for a while?
Andy: Why?
Jason: Well, to help Santa out, I've made a graph of my "goodness" over the past 11 months and I think it'd be more effective if I rendered it with the computer. Somehow, crayon doesn't quite cut it.
Andy: Can I see?
Jason: Essentially, I depict my year as a fluctuation between "very, very good" and "amazingly good" with a coupla spikes touching on "None Better." You know the saying "Computers don't lie"? I mean, that's just a saying, right?
Andy: You don't mind if I add today's data point, do you?

Andy: What's this?
Jason: [hands Andy a long scroll of paper] My Christmas list.
Andy: Jason, it's October! Why are you giving me this now?!
Jason: This way you'll have more time to negotiate a second mortgage.
Andy: How thoughtful.
Jason: [hands Andy a magnifying glass] I wrote kinda small. This might help.

[Paige is watching the news.]
News Anchor: In Washington, the Justice Department today characterized the First, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Amendments to the Constitution as "typos." In sports, the NCAA has determined that its annual men's basketball tournament is disruptive to academic schedules and will be abolished. In tech news, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates has challenged Linux creator Linus Torvalds to a winner-take-all Steel-Cage Judo Deathmatch. And on the business front, analysts are predicting a major spike in the economy as Paige Fox purchases her back-to-school pimple cream.
Paige: [to Jason] Will you stop hacking the CNN TelePrompter?!
Jason: Wolf Blitzer's about to say "Fear Me" in Klingon.

Roger: Why the long face?
Jason: Peter gave me his old magic set, but all the tricks in it are really lame. Look at this junk - cups and balls... sponge rabbits... a handkerchief that changes color... they call this MAGIC?! Where's the fire?! Where are the tigers?! Where's the bed of spears I can dangle myself over while I try to get out of leg irons?!
Roger: [to Andy off-panel] Dear, I take back all those jokes about your hair going gray.

Andy: What are you doing?
Jason: Composing digital music. This first song I call "Zero." This second one I call "One." Naturally, I'll hold the copyrights to both. Now anytime the record industry releases a CD, it'll constitute several billion instances of music piracy and I can sue them for trillions!
Andy: Remind me to keep you out of law school.
Jason: Ah, to live in America.

Jason is suddenly up on the ceiling. He moves around and surprises everyone. Jason returns to reality, where he and Paige have untied balloons
Jason{high voice}: This is all helium does to you?
Paige{high voice}: Of course, what did you have in mind?

Jason: (preparing to throw a football) Go deep.
Marcus: How can free will coexist with divine pre-ordination?
Jason: (thinks a moment) Too deep.
Marcus: If Batman died, would the Joker be happy?

### Denise Russo

Denise: So, are you gonna help me find my class, or what?
Peter: Oh. Sure.
Denise: Algebra II. Room 202. It works best if you put your arm around me.
[Peter walks Denise to her class with his arm around her.]
Denise: [to herself] Works every time.

Denise: I think we should break up.
Peter: AAAAA!
Denise: And see other people.
Peter: AAAAA!
Denise: After all, it's not like you're that great a kisser.
Peter: AAAAAAAAA!
Denise: [Hugging Peter] What's Halloween without a few good scares?
Peter: Whatever happened to saying "Boo"?!

### Eileen Jacobson

Eileen: I'm so psyched we have to give Valentine's cards to everyone in the class.
Jason: Not me.
Eileen: Think about it, Jason - if we just gave them to the people we liked, it'd be awfully embarrassing.
Jason: How so?
Eileen: You know, you and I singling each other out in such an obvious way.
[Jason flees in terror, leaving his lunch behind]
Eileen: [grabs Jason's pudding] Ah, the things I'll say to snag a chocolate pudding cup.
Teacher: [off panel] Jason, stop! That's a fire exit!

[On a field trip at the Science Museum]
Eileen: Cool! An actual vacuum tube from the original ENIAC computer!
Jason: Be still, my heart. I've never seen such beauty... such elegance... such perfection up close like this.
Eileen: Aw, you're so sweet!
Jason: Er... next exhibit, you're standing behind me.
Eileen: And you said this wouldn't be fun.

### The iFruit

"Welcome to iFruit. Hug me."

iFruit: Salutations! You've got missives!
Jason: What?
iFruit: Epistles! Billets! Post! ... Mail.
Jason: I knew it'd be a mistake putting a thesaurus on your hard drive.
iFruit: Ready to bodyboard the World Wide Reticulation?

iFruit: Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam...Lovely Spam...Wonderful Spam...
Peter: A "Monty Python" e-mail client?
Jason: You knew it was just a matter of time.
iFruit: Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am...Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am...

iFruit: This audio CD is unplayable.
Peter: But I just bought it.
iFruit: I'm sorry. I can't play this.
Peter: Don't tell me this is one of those stupid new "copy-protected" CDs that won't work in a computer! Curse you, record labels! Curse you straight to Hades!
iFruit: No, no - I just draw the line at playing Vanilla Ice.
Peter: But he's "V-Ice" now...

iFruit: You've got mail!
Andy: Oh, joy.
iFruit: Hold on. Neither Net congestion nor dropped packets nor router failure nor infected attachments stays this courier from the swift completion of his appointed rounds, and all I get is "Oh, joy"?! Whatever happened to "Thank you"?! ... Or did you not want these 7,526 messages from the XXX-Hot Psychic Mortgage Corporation?

iFruit: Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!
Roger: The hard drive's been corrupted again.
Andy: It's that blasted internet connection, I'm telling you.