Grand Theft Auto III
- Sorry, babe. I'm an ambitious girl, and you... you're just small-time! (after shooting Claude, Introduction)
- Were you followed?! You know what goes on around here is our little secret, amigo!
- Here's your SPANK, squealer! Now talk!
- We've always got a choice, you dumb bastard! (after shooting Miguel)
- The real question is, did you turn up to rescue Maria or to get me back? Well, I got news for you! Shooting you will be a pleasure, but dating you was only business! You are muy pequeñito, amigo! Throw over the cash! (upon Claude's arrival at the Cartel's Mansion, The Exchange)
- You have been a busy boy! But you haven't learned! I'm not to be trusted! Kill the idiot! (after checking Claude's money, The Exchange)
- There's a new high on the street. Goes by the name of 'SPANK'. Some wise guy's been introducin' this trash to my girls down Portland Harbor. Go and introduce a bat to his face! Then take his car; respray it! I want compensation for this insult!
- Some Diablo scumbag has been pimpin' his scuzzy bitches in my backyard! Go and take care of things for me! If you need a piece, go round back of Ammu-Nation opposite the subway.
- Experience has taught me that a man like you can be very loyal for the right price, but groups of men get greedy.
- A lesson in business, my friend. If you have a unique commodity, the world and his wife will try to wrestle it from your grasp... even if they have little understanding as to its true value.
- Nothing drives down real estate prices like a good old fashioned gang war, apart from an outbreak of plague... but that might be going too far in this case.
- C'mon, enough of the speeches. We better get out of here before we get more hysterical Italians wanting less friendly reunions.
- We have certain issues to clear up before we can continue any form of relationship, business or otherwise. Let's lay our cards or the table, I am Yakuza and I know you worked for Salvatore Leone's family. I can give you work with our organization, but first you must prove to me that your ties with the Mafia are truly broken. Salvatore Leone will be leaving Luigi's in about three hours time. Make sure he doesn't reach his club alive.
- Salvatore Leone's death comes as pleasurable news. You're an efficient killer. I like that in a man. This is my brother, Kenji.
- Just like Kenji, always trying to play with my toys.
- So the whore got away! But you've done me a favor. You're not the only one that has a score to settle with the Cartel. This... worm killed my brother!
- Miguel... certainly has some of that... famous Latin stamina! I'm quite exhausted!
- Asuka has a little job for you, but when you're done, drop by my casino and we can talk.
- My sister speaks highly of you, though I am yet to be convinced that a gaijin can offer anything but disappointment. Perhaps you can help deal with a situation that has me at a disadvantage. Of course failure has its own disgrace. A Yakuza Kanbu is in custody awaiting transfer for trial. He is a valued member of the family. Break him out of custody and get him to the dojo at Bedford Point.
- To be truly strong, it is important that you never show weakness. The business's fortunate enough to have our protection settle their accounts today. Go and collect the money immediately, so we can enter it into the casino accounts.
- You. How fitting you should choose this moment to show your worthless face! It would appear your attempts to dissuade the Jamaicans from becoming bed fellows with the Cartels were wholly inadequate. Yardie pushers line Liberty's streets selling packets of SPANK like they were selling hotdogs! Those Cartel pigs are laughing at us, at me! I will give you one last chance to prove my sister's faith in you well founded! Run these scumbags into the ground and wash your shame in rivers of our enemies' blood!!!
- That scumbag McAffrey, he took more bribes than anyone. He thinks that he's gonna get an honorable discharge if he turns states evidence. He just squealed! He's under armed protection in WitSec property down in Newport, some apartment behind the car park. Torch that place, that should flush 'em out, and you'll hunt 'em down, make sure he never talks to nobody.
- I know a real important man in town, a soft touch, with shall we say, exotic tastes and the money to indulge them. He's involved in legal matter and the prosecution has some rather embarrassing photos of him at a morgue party or something. The evidence is being driven across town. You are going to have to ram that car and collect each little bit of evidence as it falls out. When you've got it all, leave it in the car and torch it. We're both gonna do pretty well outta this kid.
- I think my partner's a rat. We gotta shut him up, permanently. He goes fishing out of his boat near the lighthouse on Portland Rock most nights. Steal a police boat and make sure his back stabbing plans are sunk! I want him sleeping with the fishes, not eating them.
- You useless bastard! You totally messed up! My ass is one the line and you can't even kill a goddamned fly! I paid you good money to kill that witness and he ain't dead. And today he's gonna make a Federal Deposition! He's being moved any second now from the Carson General Hospital up in Rockford. If he squeals, I squeal...
- Okay, kid. Drive me to the laundry in Chinatown first. I got a bit of business to take care of. Those washerwomen ain't been payin' their protection money. And watch the car, Joey just fixed this junk heap! So no fancy crap, okay?
- The Triads think they can mess with me, the Triads, with me! Drop by later and we'll give them something to launder, their own bloodstained clothes!
- Newscaster [Intro]: Liberty City is in shock today, as the police and Emergency Services deal with the aftermath of a devastating attack on a police convoy this morning. As yet, no details have been released about the prisoners being transferred in the convoy, and no group has claimed responsibility. The convoy left police headquarters early this morning for a routine transfer of felons to the Liberty Penitentiary. The attack took place on the Callahan Bridge, leaving few witnesses, and the bridge itself severely damaged. Some of the convicts are thought to have perished in the explosion that followed the initial attack. Revelations as to the professionalism of the attack struck police hours afterward, when identification of the missing felons were further hampered by an attack by computer hackers on police headquarter databases. With the Porter Tunnel project falling behind schedule, this disaster leaves Portland isolated from the rest of the city.
- Toni Cipriani: No fancy crap.
- Colombian Cartel member: Señor dickhead! It's no problem to kill you!
- Toni Cipriani: You did good back there kid, real good. C'mon let's introduce you to the Don.
- Salvatore Leone: Hey Luigi!
- Luigi Goterelli: Oh, my girls have been missing you so much. Salvatore, you've been away too long.
- Salvatore Leone: You tell them, when this unfortunate business has been taken care of, we'll go down to the club and celebrate. There is my boy.
- Joey Leone: Hi, Pop!
- Salvatore Leone: Have you got yourself a good woman yet? You know your Momma, god bless her soul would be turning over in her grave, if she ever saw you without a wife.
- Joey Leone: I know, I'm working on it.
- Salvatore Leone: TONI! How is your Momma? She's a great woman, you know! Strong, firenze.
- Toni Cipriani: She's good... fine.
- Salvatore Leone: Terrific, Terrific. Now listen you guys, you go inside while I talk to our new friend here. I have nothing but good things for you, my boy...
- Maria: Oh... Asuka, you've got a massager.
- Asuka Kasen: That's not a massager.
- Maria [torturing Miguel]: Do we tighten it some more now... or just wait for it to turn black and fall off?
- Asuka Kasen: Give it a quick prod.
- Maria: Urgh! What is that gooey yellow stuff?!
- Salvatore Leone [to Claude]: Hey, it's my favorite clean-up guy! I'm proud of you, my boy! You kicked the shit out of those grease-balls!
- Misty: Joey! Am I gonna get to play with your big end again?
- Misty: Hey, I'm bored! When ya gonna drill me?
Lazlow: Alright, Liberty City, this is your talk radio show Chatterbox, where your opinion matters. Let's go to the phones...hello caller, you're on Chatterbox.
Caller: Hey, ya ever ate possum, that's some good eatin'.
Lazlow: Naah, I really can't say I have.
Caller: Hell, ya ought to try it sometime, I tell ya man, it's good eating. Possum, raccoon, even zebra meat, cooks up pretty good.
Lazlow: Er, do you have anything else to say, or...
Caller: Pigeons. Pigeons are good too. Sometimes, they come with notes attached, it's like...a fortune cookie with wings. Squirrels...squirrels is not so good, they...taste like goldfish, meat's real stringy...ya know what I mean?
Lazlow: Ermm, actually, I can't say that I do...umm...but if I did eat too much squirrel and put on a few extra pounds, I'd use the Dormatron...unlike those other exercise machines that require you to be awake, the Dormatron actually exercises you over night. Let's learn a little bit more about it.
- [Dormatron commercial]
- Woman: I've tried everything, and I just couldn't keep those extra two-hundred pounds off! It started to affect my marriage.
- Man: She was too big for me, and I'll sleep with anything!
- Woman: The Abdomatrix, the Thigh-asizer, tummy stapling, I've had my mouth sewn up, my hands chopped off, you name it, I've tried it!"
- Man: Except for exercising and eating right, porky!
- Woman: That's right, honey! Then I found the Dormatron! Using a new technology called bio-rhythmic-subconscious-gymnastics, the Dormatron exercises you while you sleep. Just strap in your arms and legs, put on the Dormatron headset, then wrap yourself in the special high-voltage electric blanket. Turn it on to 11 and burn those pounds away while a relaxing nights sleep! Now that I've lost 280 pounds, my husbands all mine again!
- Man: That's right honey, no more escort services for me!
- Male narrator: Don't be fat a day longer than you have to! Remember, being fat can even ruin a romantic cruise! *whooo* Call Dormatron now, at 1-800-sleepofflard. Or visit www.sleepofflard.com, and sleep your way to a thinner, happier you!
- [Maibatsu Monstrosity commercial]
- Man: I'm a marketing manager who lives in the suburbs and commutes to work on the highway. I live alone, so of course I needed a car that can seat twelve and is equipped to drive across arctic tundra...it just makes me feel better!
- Female narrator: The new Maibatsu Monstrosity...mine's bigger!
Lazlow: Oh, that's a good commercial. I love commercials, don't you? This is Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now. Hello caller, you are on the air.
Caller: Hi Lazlow, is that your real name?
Lazlow: Huh? Of course it's my real name!
Caller: Are you Hungarian?
Lazlow: Heh...nooo, I'm from upstate.
Caller: Are you sure that's not a fake radio name, like Andy or Bobo? I thought all those radio people had fake names!
Lazlow: Do you have a question, or do you wanna just sit here all day and talk about my name?
Caller: No. That's it. Love the show, Lazlow. Or Mark. Or John. Or Beverly, whatever your name is.
Lazlow: Alright, next caller, you're on Chatterbox. What is on your mind?
Caller: Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're known back home.
Lazlow: Okay, here's the deal - this isn't gardening with Maurice, that's on later!
Caller: Nooo, he got taken off the air. He lied, I know he did. I been trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekinese midget fighting bitch for the last two years. And it is im-possible...im-possible, I tell ya.
Lazlow: Okay, and speaking of impossible, Jane from Cedar Grove is on the line, and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being a parent today. Hello Jane...
Jane: Hi Lazlow, I love the show, I'm a first time caller. I wanted to say something about these videogames, they are warping our kids minds. My sons dog, Bugle, got hit by a truck, and he says 'Mommy, mommy, where's the reset button?'. Kids these days, they think life is a game. Well it's not a game Lazlow. It is very, very serious. I let my kid play video games, and now, he runs around the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to go chase money. My eldest has been playing this new videogame, called Pogo the Monkey...
Lazlow: Yeah, I've heard of that one.
Jane: The shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a home-made banana cannon in shop class, and was lobbing them across the street at a fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of videogames. Lazlow, life does not have a reset button!
Lazlow: Right, but this show does... *beeeeep* I love that button.
Lazlow: You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. Especially if you're in our key demographic.
- Donald Love: [Imaging] Love Media. Bringing people, and the finest entertainment together.
Lazlow: Alright, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox.
Caller: I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? What, do you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you pansy!
Lazlow: ...What's your question?
Caller: SPANK?! SPANK SPANK! SPANK!
Lazlow: Heh, what about it? I mean that's not really a question. Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and they end with your voice going up like this...
Caller: Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the rest!
Lazlow: How's that?
Caller: Fluoride is evil, dude. In toothpaste, they use it to control us. Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a day? I've read books!
Lazlow: And what book have you been reading that tells you that toothpaste is evil?
Caller: Dentures, the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay Phillip Higginbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!
Lazlow: I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes you go crazy in later life...
Caller: I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!
Lazlow: Sir, this is a commercial radio-station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note, it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals! We'll be back after these important messages...
Caller: Sell out!
- [Equinox Commercial]
- Woman: I used to be concerned and nervous about the future. Sometimes I'd get scared before an important event such as childbirth, or a family funeral. Hey, sometimes you need a little help navigating life's trouble spots, that's when I discovered Equinox!
- Man: After the divorce and losing little Tommy, life was getting me down! I couldn't focus on anything at work. After trying Equinox, I've been employee of the month three times in a row! I used to fall unconscious for hours at a time; Now with Equinox, I never need to sleep!
- Male narrator: Equinox is new, from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals. Ask your doctor about Equinox - today.
- [Rapidly spoken disclaimer]: Equinox may cause nausea, loss of sleep, blurred vision, kidney problems and breathing irregularities. Do not take Equinox if you're operating any machinery, driving a car, pregnant, of child bearing age, or have a family history of mental disorders.
- Male narrator: Equinox! Softening life's harsh realities.