- When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
- Just you and me Kid (1979)
- I've had worried parents come up to me and ask me for advice. They'll say "I don't know what to do. My teenage son won't cut his hair, he drives too fast, and I don't know what that stuff is he listens to, but it sure isn't music." I'll just say to them "I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. By the time he's my age, I don't think you'll need to worry about him anymore."
- Living It Up: Or, They Still Love Me in Altoona! (1976)
- Sex at 90 is like shooting pool with a length of rope.
- At my age, all of my friends, lawyers, and doctors are dead. The good thing about this is that there's nobody left who can refute my stories.
- Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
- After [The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show] ended, people told me I should retire. But I was only 62 and still fresh as a daisy.
- If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.
- Undated clip played on CNN Larry King Live (4 July 2003)
- Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city.
- As quoted in The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners (2004) by Geoff Tibballs, p. 251
- I'd date women my age, unfortunately there are no women my age.