Grand Theft Auto IV

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Capitalism is a dirty business. ~ Niko Bellic

Grand Theft Auto IV is a 2008 British video game developed by Rockstar North.


Grand Theft Auto IV[edit]

Niko Bellic[edit]

  • Welcome to America!
  • Life is complicated.
  • It's an ugly world.
  • "I come here, and the only thing big about your life is the cockroaches."
  • Roman! Are you sleeping, you fat fuck? Come on!
  • War is where the young and stupid are tricked by the old and bitter into killing each other.
  • Life is complicated. When the war came I did bad things; after the war I thought nothing of doing bad things. I killed people, smuggled people, sold people. Perhaps here things will be different..
  • My hands haven't been clean for a long time. Being here in Liberty City is just making them dirtier.
  • [to Bledar] I told you to stop! Now it is too late.
  • [while stabbing Dardan] You shouldn't play with sharp objects Dardan.
  • [after killing Dardan] ARGH! I promised myself I wouldn't kill people here !
  • [before executing Playboy X] You didn't change the game, the game changed you.
  • "[before killing Dimitri, when he swearing in russian]" Speak English.
  • I hear the real America is all strip malls and clinical obesity.
  • I don't know if you can hear it Roman, but I'm in a helicopter. Yes. That is the kind of shit I am having to get up to since you introduced me to Michelle, or Karen, or whatever her name really is.
  • [to Dimitri] The only thing I owe you is a bullet to the temple; you will be paid in full, fear not.
  • It was weeks after the massacre that I realized we must have been given up by someone in our group, someone from our own village. I had to go back to the pit where the bodies were dumped; I had to count the ripe corpses and to see who was missing. That was something the old me couldn't have done. But losing those friends, seeing them cut down in their prime, it hardened me. It made me cold.
  • [to Darko] You killed my friends for $1,000!
  • No one fucks with my family.
  • Real? What the fuck is real; because it's you?
  • [before executing Dimitri] You're about to learn a lesson. Actions have consequences! You screwed me over; now you're paying for it. Shame that it will be the second last thing that goes into your head. Goodbye.
  • Capitalism is a dirty business.
  • [before executing Pegorino] Big talk. You wanna know something funny? : The Commission - the old families - I know some of those guys. And they thought you were a fat fucking joke.
  • Well..since you put it that way..I'm in.
  • Well, I need money. This pays. I can do it... I don't care if I live or die... and I'm looking for someone.
  • After you walk into a village, and you see fifty children, all sitting neatly in a row against the church wall, each with their throats cut and their hands chopped off, you realize that the creature that could do this doesn't have a soul.
  • I need money. This pays. I can do it... I don't care if I live or die... and I'm looking for someone.
  • I don't have anything to lose.
  • [to Roman, after killing Vlad] We're not dead, he is dead.
  • No - I come from a poor background. You people don't know what poor is.
  • In my experience... most people, once they change, they stay that way.
  • Let me be, let me be the one that I used to know by then or now.
  • I did my best! I didn't fuck up!
  • Sorry, Mr. Pegorino. He's a cockroach, Ray would survive anything. Even a nuclear holocaust.
  • [when driving stolen ice-cream truck] Stealing ice-cream trucks!.. What's wrong with me?

Roman Bellic[edit]

  • (First lines) Niko, my cousin! Welcome to America!
  • No, I can't do it. My cousin will do it... Yes he can drive... No! he's not a cop.
  • I was just shot in the stomach and then stitched up in a doctor's office that was dirtier than the basement we were nearly tortured in. I'm great!
  • You fuck up and I take the shit. You kill the wrong guy and his friends will fuck with me to get to you! I didn't have no scars until you got here. No I am practically chopping board I have so many cuts on me.
  • Oh, damn... damn, damn, damn! Yes, Vlad, sorry, forgive me, okay? No... no. Please don't cut my cock off, eh?
  • That's right! I got the best cockroaches; I got the best dirt!
  • This city is like a giant Udermilken Ice Cream Shop. Thirty-six flavors of titty!
  • Okay, I'm an idiot, but you have to admit I've got the best line in bullshit you've ever heard.
  • (After being asked by Niko how he wants to die) Having a threesome on my hundredth birthday... Shit, man, I don't know!
  • (To Niko) Everything was fine here, and then you show up!
  • We won man..we won!
  • (To Niko) Cousin, let's go bowling!
  • "Cousin, it is your cousin! Do you want to go bowling?"

Dimitri Rascalov[edit]

  • Wherever you go, people will find you if they want you badly enough. And for this they want blood.
  • You know, if there is one thing I have learned its that we must obey the rules of the game. We can pick the game, Niko Bellic, but we cannot change the rules.
  • Too many bodies, too much attention. We'll be dealt with... if we don't start playing by the rules.
  • You need to calm down.
  • Shoot this scumbag in the leg.
  • You want to play games ? this is not a game. You have to play by the rules.
  • I didn't work this hard to share the spoils of a victory.

Jimmy Pegorino[edit]

  • I give the orders here. Me.
  • I wonder... is it better to have a talented snake, or a stoical lion, who's gonna be cut down in his prime? I don't know. What do you think?
  • How you gonna get by in this country if you ain't gonna go after the big money?
  • I want you... to run security. Keep an eye on things, 'cause they won't be looking out for you.
  • I'll give you a call... whoever I say to go see, go see 'em. And shut 'em up!
  • Don't get too comfortable with him, Niko. Like every rat, he's a survivor, he's got good instincts. He has a bad feeling about you in particular. He bought some protection and he ain't gonna hang around and wait for "you know what" to happen.

Vlad Glebov[edit]

  • And Roman... tell this fucking yokel if he doesn't stop staring at me I'll have his head chopped off and put a film of it on the internet!
  • I guess its true the ladies love a man with a sense of humor. [sarcastically] Ho ho, I'm laughing.
  • Let him know: might is right!
  • Ohh, Roman is upset ! do you think i give a fuck peasant ?
  • Fuck you! I wish I could be there to watch Mikhail cut your peasant balls off!
  • You're throwing you and your fatty cousin's lives away for that bit of Puerto Rican chocha!

Mikhail Faustin[edit]

  • Fuck the money.
  • Shut the fuck up! My fucking wife is watching television!
  • You were about to cut up some guy in my house just to find out he is his cousin?!
  • This American greed takes everyone. It's like a disease! Only I am still sane!
  • [last words] Betrayed!! Betrayed by Dimitri and by you! Too kind! That's what I was: too kind! I led the snakes right into the nest, and they destroyed everything!! I gave them everything, and they took everything from me! Now they've sent you to take the only thing I have left! You have cut the corners! There's nowhere for me to go!
  • [to Dimitri Rascalov] That's the way it works. I am angry, you are calm. I scare, you reason. It works...

Manny Escuela[edit]

  • Sometimes you gotta break some omelettes to make some eggs, ya know?
  • Yo! You made me look gay, I warned you bro!
  • Man, who the hell ever heard of a metrosexual ex-gangster, man?
  • I'm a lord, man, not a lady.

Elizabeta Torres[edit]

  • Surround yourself with cocaine and the assholes soon follow!
  • Everyone's a rat!
  • [After shooting Manny] I am not in the mood for this shit right now! Niko help me clean this mess up.

"Little" Jacob Hughes[edit]

  • The ras clot tinks he can cold up Badman. He a fool... he's a dead fool...
  • Dimitri and Pegorino, they be pon top after that deal, ya know. They got de coil and de brown, didn't dey? Dem ras clots tink dem are de dons of dons.
  • [after shooting down a helicopter] Feel de fiyaah.
  • Ya can't shake no hands when your fist be clenched.

Real Badman[edit]

  • Y'know what, rudeboy... come mek a go deal wit' dem boy dere right now.

Packie McReary[edit]

  • Can't wait to see what sort of kick C4 residue is going to give me when I snort up a line of chop through one of them notes.
  • After seeing one of his partners shot Shit! Michael! Saint fucking Michael!
  • Word to the wise: she don't put out, which is convinient 'cause if she did, I'd have to kill you.
  • [while drunk] I love poetry! Poetry is in the blood of an Irishman; like booze, religion, sodomy, and... fight shit!
  • [after a gangster has dropped the diamonds onto a passing truck] You selfish piece of cocksucking shit!

Francis McReary[edit]

  • I'm a good guy!
  • Oh man... Where to begin? I don't know. Let me put it like this... if a guy makes a mistake, should that ruin his life? People don't understand how life is. Life is like a bowl of fruit... slowly rotting in a hot kitchen...
  • I want to make a difference.
  • You can be whatever you like. It's the land of opportunity. Any fool can become president.
  • That motherfucker thinks he can drag me down.
  • So there's a guy trying to blackmail me.
  • One stain on my character and I'm finished.
  • So, it's him or me. And it might as well be him, right?

Playboy X[edit]

  • I ain't a cold person. I mean, I am cold, but... motherfucker.
  • Another motherfucker gone and let the money go to his head.
  • I own you! nobody owns me!
  • I was an example to all the kids, you can't take that away from me.
  • I took shit to the next level, cats like you just can't accept that.
  • The thing is... you know Jesus? He did some crazy shit, too. I mean, everyone does. He killed people. He killed that John the Baptist cat. He did what he had to.
  • history is a long time. And you only got one chance...
  • So I say? So I do. When I get the money, man... I will build parks, I will sponsor kids, I will save lives... But I gotta have the money man. 'Cause all this? All this? It means nothing if you ain't got the heart.

Dwayne Forge[edit]

  • Motherfucker must think I'm an idiot.
  • I can't cope no more, man. I mean, prison was easy compared to this shit.
  • Fuck it, man. Fuck it all! I mean, I used to have everything. I used to run uptown. Bohan, all that shit. Now, I ain't shit.
  • I ain't got the energy no more. I been stabbed in the back too many fucking times. I mean, there's bitches everywhere!


Niko: Where did you get out from?
Dwayne: Preschool.

Francis: You know that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. That people ain't perfect... that life is a mess...
Niko: Sure. Everybody knows that.

Vlad: You know, for a dumb yokel, you're really a very funny guy.
Niko: And for an annoying dick, you're really an annoying dick.

Niko: When I was in the army... we were going on a mission... to ambush a squad who had killed a lot of innocent people. They were our enemies... but we never did it.There were fifteen of us. All boys from the village. But one of us betrayed the group. It was a setup... for money! Twelve people died, three escaped. I know the traitor was not me... So for ten years I've been searching for the other two...One of them lives here.
Roman: Why are you telling me this now? Do you always get sentimental after you kill people?
Niko: You kept asking
Roman: Wonderful! You're here on some revenge mission for something that happened ten years ago. And you don't care whose life you ruin on the way?
Niko: No.
Roman: Well what?.
Niko: I don't know...I just want to know why they did it.

Faustin: [after walking in on Andre threatening Niko with a hacksaw] Good lord! What are you doing?
Andre: [Guiltily while lowering the hacksaw] Nothing.

Faustin: So, Niko Bellic, [do] you think it's okay to kill my employees?
Niko: If he is an asshole? Yes.
Faustin: Good! [shoots his henchman in the face] I agree.

Dimitri: Stop shooting people you maniac!
Faustin: My wife doesn't like when people shout!

Dimitri: I want to buy you a present.
Niko: Will you wrap it up and put a pretty bow on it?

Packie: Wanna beer?
Niko: No.
Packie: Good, 'cause I ain't got one.
Niko: Very funny. If being a drunkard doesn't work out maybe you can be a comedian.

Roman: I don't want to die, man; not like this!
Niko: How would you like to die!?
Roman: Having a threesome on my hundredth birthday? I don't know!

Roman: So we're dead ?
Niko: Well... more or less.

Roman: All you care about is revenge and getting your own way!
Niko: And all you care about is money! And gambling it away on the internet!

Packie: Get your fucking hands off my fucking sister!
Kate: We're talking, not having casual sex, Patrick. I pray that after the amount of practice you've had you'd know the difference.
Packie: Sure, I know the difference : one leaves you sad, and empty, and alone; and the other's casual sex.

Gordon: So are you in big guy? Or are we gonna have to kill ya?
Niko: Well, since you put it that way: I'm in!

Gerry: What do you know about him?
Patrick: I know he likes a fight and he ain't the fucking law.

Gerry: Beer?
Niko: No, thank you.
Gerry: I agree. Let's have whiskey instead.

Francis: The guy sells drugs to school kids!
Niko: The world is full of bad people.

Niko: It's done.
United Liberty Paper Don't you think I know that? You think I've sitting around scratching my balls with my head up my ass?
Niko: I'd be impressed if you had been.

Patrick: Locals are expecting a shipment[near the fish market]and it smells fishy.
Niko: The fish market smells fishy?
Patrick: Shit man, I keep forgetting that you're not from here. When some thing "smells fishy", it means that somethings not right. So the shipment smelling fishy means that it ain't going to be what they say it is.
Niko: But if it's going to the fish market then they're saying that it's fish.
Patrick: So?
Niko: So if it's going to be what they say it is, then it's going to smell fishy anyways.
Patrick: Shut the fuck up! You think you're a right fucking comedian, don't ya? Learn the damn language!

The Lost and the Damned[edit]

Johnny Klebitz[edit]

  • Sometimes you gotta look out for yourself Billy.
  • What the fuck is left of our chapter, boys? Dead bodies, burnt outbrothers, and a clubhouse like a mausoleum. Fuck if I want it standing, it stands for bullshit. Nothing more.
  • Billy may have helped to build our club, but he sure as hell tore it apart.
  • Let's do this. Nothing like selling some dope to let you know your alive!
  • That shit needed to be done. Billy needed to be shut up. Funny thing is, five years ago he would've lead the charge into Alderney State Facility himself. Drugs sent that fuck insane.
  • Peace and prosperity be damned.
  • [to Brian] You told me? You told me? You don't tell me shit, you little fuck.
  • Speak, you ugly fuck!
  • It's been a good year you know ? [about how many people Johnny killed]

Billy Grey[edit]

  • I was willful Chad, I was, and you changed me Chad. And I thank you. You changed me for better or for worse. GENTLEMEN SHALL WE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!?
  • waiting for a speech or something?
  • Let me rephrase the question; where the fuck is my bike and why haven't you gotten it the fuck back friend-brother?
  • (repeated line) Shut up Brian.
  • Life is pain my brother. And through this life, through this Brotherhood, we can give pain the finger!
  • The most important thing to do now is to follow. Your. Leader!
  • (With a gun pointed at him) Checkmate dude.
  • Might i tempt you in a swift libation, my most trusted and honoured guest ?
  • it's a strange kind of truce that makes you think that it's okay to gatecrash my party, Deadbeat motherfucker.


Johnny holds a gun to Billy's chest

Billy: Checkmate dude. C'mon..get it over it!

Johnny: I'm doing it!

Billy: (chuckles) waiting for a speech or something? C'mon!

(Billy charges Johnny with a knife and Johnny shoots him in the heart.)

The Ballad of Gay Tony[edit]

Luis Lopez[edit]

  • Diablo, que menda. Shit.


Republican Space Rangers[edit]

Commander: I tell you what boys, there is nothin' like barbecue space chicken t' make you feel patriotic. Gentlemen, we are on the frontlines of freedom right here! This is where our civilization ends, and a universe of untold savagery begins. Any illegal alien emigrants tryin' t' sneak through this checkpoint, OUR STANDING ORDERS ARE T' DEPORT THEM PERMANENTLY TO H.E. DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS!!!
Butch: BUURRRP!!!
Dick: Amen!
Commander: Hoorah! [bahk-bahk-bahka-TCHOO!!] Shuddap and get tender, BEETCHES!!!

Butch: How come I can hear that gunshot? Y'know, sound don't travel through no space!
Commander: Huh?
Dick: Awwoh, goddammit Butch, you're FUCKIN' up our character continuitay! You're supposed to be dumb as sticks!
Butch: I'm just sayin', all them space movies you hear, y'know, with them lasers and ships flyin' by. But you can't hear nothin' in space for real. Space is a vacuum cleaner full o' dark matter and impossibly dense.
Dick: I got some impossibly dense dark matter for ya. [PWUUP!!] Mm-mm. Dinner's ready, boys! [both laughing]
Commander: Ohh, holy snappin' asshole!

Dick: Uhh... Commander? You asleep?
Commander: Wha..? Grab your socks, it's a red-what... What the hell are doin' in my bunk, soldier!!?
Dick: Hi... Uh.. I got cold... and I- keep thinkin' I hear crickets, y'know...
Commander: Awwhh!! Goddamit Dick, those ain't crickets!! That's my new Bangle Sleep Machine! See, it plays soothin' sounds to help me sleep -- comfortin' things like the sound o' crickets or rifles cockin' or aliens cowerin' or flags unfurlin'... Now get your ass back to your bunk and some shuteye, soldier! That's an order!! And leave my teddy bear.

Julio: Si senor commander?
Dick: Oh Julio, Julio, Julio. We said it a million fuckin' times! Let me be very clear. God speaks ENGLISH. My Bible is in ENGLISH. I am ENGLISH. This-am ENGLAND-ISH. SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH!!!!
Julio: Si-si-sorry, senor boss-man. England very pretty!
Dick: IS very pretty!
Commander: Cut the crap, the two o' ya! England is full o' homos!

Princess Robot Bubblegum[edit]

PRB: I'm sorry I'm late, Master!
Master Hentai: You're not just late, you're filthy! You have pollen all over your face! You fuckin' the plants again?!

Master: You're the only hope we have. [reads Anime Plots for Hacks] "Save your dead ninja parents' souls. Team up with a moody, armed region, overly-effeminate, androgynous sword-wielding teen boy. Defeat the alien armada. Look animation a lot to save production costs."
PRB: Just like last time?
Master: Yes. Only this time, Futurist Tokyo is not under threat from the forces of darkness.
PRB: It's not?
Master: No! It's under the threat from the forces of evil! Now, trust me when I say this, I'm a total expert in this area. The forces of evil just can't stand the forces of darkness!
PRB: They can't?
Master: No!! Please... one is East Coast, the other is West Coast. I mean, if you listen to the way that they sound, it's completely different. One doesn't even use instruments in the tracks, the other one is all like looping and like... [lips vinyl scratching] ...y'know, like that stuff. They try group therapy and everything, but it hasn't worked out. Let's head to the next scene because I'm talking nonsense again.

Tourist: Asian culture's so much better than America. I totally love this place. I think I was Japanese in a past life. Plus, I have a tiny weenie. What? [the used panties dispenser transforms and shoot panties everywhere]
Japanese Guy: Oh no! Used panty machine come arive! It's a terrible criché!

Samurai: Okay, I'm just gonn' stand here and get moody, okay?
PRB: Fair enough! You're blind and you're dressed wrong!
Samurai: Shut the fuck up, bitch, you jealous.

Master: "Visit the graveyard!"
PRB: Umm... I have to visit the graveyard.
Master: "And pick up the redwood lights on your way home. Remember, lights, not the menthols. I am jonesing."

Master: I trained you in the dark arts vital for fighting evil. I made lots of long-winded speeches that made no sense! "As the wind flows, so the spirit departs. But then, what about memories? What are they? They are all we have left with, and then they're still just reads in the wind. Like the stars of the Province Hao-hoo; they sound simply ephemeral, yet they are as dust in the hands of a man without legs. Such are the ancestorous spirits that summon us all!"
PRB: Wha? What the fuck are you talking about, Master?
Master: Concentrate! Focus on my cog-pharisaical jibber-jabber!

PRB: Too horny to fight crime. Why do I have to say that line in every film? This is terrible!
Master: Merchandising!
PRB: Oh, okay, that sounds artistic.

PRB: ...and why do I have a cute teleporting animal sidekick who never does anything useful?
Saki: Saki! [drinks some liquor and then vomits on PRB's breasts]
PRB: Oh, Saki! You made a mess, you annoying turd!

PRB: UH-OH! Monster, monster, rapey time!
Master: Remember your training.
PRB: Merchandising!
Master: No, submitting to bizarre male fantasies of women in a completely non-misogynistic and sexually healthy way!
PRB: No, I never got that part. [the robot touches her groin] Hey, get outta there!
Master: Just lie back and think about merchandising. Holy ninja, you can... fit all of that up there!
Master: You're on your own now. I'm sorry.

PRB: THIS IS HORSE SHIT! I'm being raped by a robot and helped by a blind chump with a doujin translator, while my master is a sick old pervert, and I'm completely out of montages! This calls for a cliffhanger! Saki!
Saki: Ugh, speed ball make Saki sick...
PRB: Help me, someone! Wait, what about my dead parents' souls?
Master: Oh, shit! The scriptwriters forget about them again! Oh, boy!

External links[edit]

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