It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005–Present) is an FX sitcom created by Rob McElhenney about five friends (played by McElhenney, Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Kaitlin Olson, and Danny Devito) who run an Irish bar, "Paddy's Pub", in Philadelphia.


Season 1[edit]

Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

Mac: [to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this?
[all look over at Dennis]
Dennis: [gayly] ...boys are out tonight, huh?
Mac: This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?
Charlie: Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an asshole!

Charlie: Domino, biatch!

Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?
Terrell: I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia! I didn't think it was that big a secret.

Black Student: Bout to bust that shit up Reece, Bout to bust that shit up Boy!
Mac: Absolutely.

[Students stare at Mac]

Charlie Wants an Abortion [1.2][edit]

Mac: [on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!
Dee: Is he jo..? Is that..? Are you.. joking?
Mac: No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.
Dee: Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.
Dennis: [to Mac] You're making an asshole out of yourself.

Dennis: [at an abortion rally] I think all these chicks are gay.
Dee: Yeah, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.
Dennis: for me.

Dee: Are you actually gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?
Dennis: I don't really have any convictions.

[Tommy spits in Charlie's face]
Charlie: Oh my God! I will...I will smash your face into- into a jelly!

Tommy: I'm gonna tell my mom you took me to a black person's hospital.
Charlie: Wow, extremely racist!

Underage Drinking: A National Concern [1.3][edit]

Dennis: We could get into a lot of trouble for this.
Dee: And we also have a social responsibility to keep teenagers from drinking.
Charlie: I guess.
Mac: Well, I don’t know about that, though. Hold on, I mean, wait a second, hear me out, hear me out: it wasn’t that long ago that we were in the same position as these youngsters, right? I mean, we’d get kicked out of some bar and what did we do, Den? We would get a bunch of forties from a homeless guy and we would go sit in some park.
Charlie: That is true.
Mac: That is absolutely true. And what would happen? We would almost get raped and/or murdered and/or stabbed by the crackheads in Fairmount Park.
Dee: Hello, Stephen.
Charlie: You want to know what else what would happen? We drove Nicky Potnick’s car into a tree on Kelly Drive.
Dennis: With Sweet Dee in the back seat, puking all over the headrest because some guy talked to her that she liked, remember that? Every time some guy talks to you that you like, you get so nervous that you drink yourself into oblivion.
Dee: No, no, I had bad potato salad.
Mac: You abused alcohol, and that’s okay, that’s okay, but it’s very dangerous, right? Right? Well, maybe we should look at this whole thing from a different angle. Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!
Dee: No, I don’t like where this is headed.

Dee: I never statutory raped anyone before.
Trey: Oh...okay, I'll tell you what: let's just take it slow.
Dee: You are so sweet...where were you when I was in high school?
Trey: I was eight.
Dee: Right...Yeah...

Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Marine Cannalan said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timmy at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because she thought Trey secretly liked Erin Hennebrary. But Trey didn't like Erin Hennebrary, it was all a bunch of bull.

[Sweet Dee approaches]

Dee: Whats going on here? Who is that?
Charlie: That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy.Trey broke up with Tammy because Marine-
Mac: Okay, you know what dude you gotta stop.

Charlie Has Cancer [1.4][edit]

Dennis: I don't get it Sweet Dee, There are tons of women in this city; where do they mate with these gorrillas?
Dee: They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Oh I see.
Dee: Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley...might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Charlie: Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, okay? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!
Dennis: That's a horrible thing to do!
Charlie: Well, I'm a bad guy then!
Dennis: You are a bad guy! You lied to us!
Charlie: All right look at this, sometimes you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg.
Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now?
Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs!
Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Charlie: I'm cracking eggs of wisdom!

Gun Fever [1.5][edit]

Dee: We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.
Dennis: Oh, oh, the gun...yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
Mac: You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you.
Charlie: Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best..., could you get me a nurse?
Dee: Yeah, sure. [exits]
Charlie: Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
Mac: No way!
Dennis:[pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Dennis: Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!

Dennis: We're really sorry Charlie, but it was dark, we didn't know it was you... and you were robbing the register.
Charlie: Yeah... still wish you hadn't shot me.

The Gang Finds a Dead Guy [1.6][edit]

Dee: Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
Mac: No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm.
Mac: Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.

Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business.

Mac: [To Dennis handing him a photo] : Dude, Your Grandpa's a Nazi!

Mac: That guy is dead.

Charlie Got Molested [1.7][edit]

Charlie: Okay, okay. First of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested and you guys are going to exploit that for your own personal gain? You jackholes are securing your places in hell.
Ryan: We've thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.

Dennis: So, you're not going to get in any trouble at all?
Charlie: Uh, no, no, not really. And since the McPoyles are going to plead guilty I'm sort of off the hook completely.
Dennis: That's great!
Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, was he saying that the intervention worked?
Dennis: No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
Dee: What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed. Turns out: Three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all.
Charlie: Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while.
Dennis: Emotional release, another giant step forward.
Dee: God, we're good. Doctor.
Dennis: Doctor.

Charlie: You guys cannot say that he molested you!
Ryan: Why not?
Charlie: Because he didn't molest you!
Ryan: That's true, but he's a (Bleep), and we hated him.

Mac: If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?
Dennis: You're goin' to hell, dude.
Dee: Seriously.

Charlie: Where's your brother dude?
Liam: We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.
Charlie: Alright li--listen, you guys can't go... did you just say we?
Liam: What?
Charlie: Did you just say we just stepped out of the shower?
Liam: I said "he."

Season 2[edit]

Charlie Gets Crippled [2.1][edit]

Dennis: Dee, you scared the crap out of me. What are you doing?
Sweet Dee: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all our possessions to poor people.
Dennis: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
Sweet Dee: How come you get to pick and choose?
Dennis: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
Sweet Dee: You're a woman and you're weak.
Dennis: That doesn't make any sense.
Sweet Dee: You don't make any sense.

Charlie: [in a wheelchair and army vet attire] This costume, the chicks is gonna go crazy all over it.
Frank: Maybe you should let me do all the talking.
Charlie: No, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. So watch and learn.
Stripper: Awww, look at you sweetie, what happened?
Charlie: [shouting] Viet--nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

The Gang Goes Jihad [2.2][edit]

Ari Frankel: Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.
Frank: Oh. That woman is amazing! She is amazing! You just met her; she's already got you running errands for her. She's good. She is good!
Ari Frankel: Just go get the dog.
Frank: I don't have the dog.
Ari Frankel: So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and... pooping... on the floor?
Frank: [long pause] Yes.

Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Frank: A series of Mexican women.
Charlie: "A series..." Unbelievable, dude! [They high-five] You're on fire.

Charlie: [under breath] Oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit.

Dennis: He's getting a weapon everybody. Everybody get a weapon!

Dennis: This Jew's in for a ton of work.
Mac and Charlie: WHOA!
Dennis: Whoa, what?
Mac: Come on, man! You can't say things like that!
Dennis: I don't know what I said. What'd I say?
Charlie: Uh, you dropped a hard "J" on us.

Dennis: Where from?
Frenkel: Israel. It just got to be too dangerous. I mean, you know with everything that's happening.
Dennis: Well, that's a tough situation you got over there.
Charlie: Oh yeah, you got that whole tsunami and the...
Mac: No, not that...
Charlie: Well, the superdome thing.
Mac: No, there's no superdome...
Charlie: Well it's one of those places over there.
Mac: It's a different country, Charlie so why don't...
Charlie: Well I'm just trying to help the guy out.
Mac: Why don't you just shut up!

The Gang Gives Back [2.3][edit]

Frank: Hey gang, what's the action?
Dennis: What's going on here?
Frank: Asians love gambling!
Sweet Dee: You know these guys?
Frank: Yeah, from Nam.
Mac: You were in Vietnam?
Dennis: Don't get excited Mac, he was in Vietnam ten years ago on a business trip.

Dennis: [to his basketball team] Now as long as you hurt the other kid as bad or worse than he hurts you, you will have done your job. And I'll be proud of you.

Kid: (Holds up soda can)
Dennis: Diet? Does it look like I need to be on a diet?
Kid: I don't know
Dennis: Terrible, take a lap.

Mac: All right, kids, how you feeling?
Ducks' Team: Good.
Mac: Good? Doesn't sound good. Are you drinking the Red Bull? Come on, chug 'em down!
Ducks' Player: I feel sick.
Mac: That's the vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach. That's a good thing, trust me.

Waitress: I wrote down my phone number.
Charlie: Wow!
Waitress: Please... please, Charlie, please don't make me regret giving this to you. (The waitress hands a folded piece of paper to Charlie)
Charlie: No absolu... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor, sponsoree kind of a thing. (He unfolds the piece of paper) Oh... no sh--... I was so close.

Dennis and Dee Go On Welfare [2.4][edit]

Frank: Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management.
Charlie: That's why I did it.
Mac: That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?
Frank: You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.
Sweet Dee: How come Charlie...? It's not fair...
Dennis: Why would you do this to us, dad?
Frank: Because you're crackheads, children.

Dennis: Hi. I'm a recovering crack head. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I'd like some welfare, please.

Drug Dealer: What you need?
Dennis: Uh, one, please.
Drug Dealer: One what?
Dennis: Uh... one rock of crack.
Dee: One crack...
Dennis: A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? I don't...
Dee: Uh... how much would you recommend for a first-time user?

Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom [2.5][edit]

Mac:Charlie look, I normally wouldn't come to you with this sort of thing because you're incredibly unreliable... but Dennis, Dee and Frank are all directly connected to this. Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Charlie: Interesting...
Mac: Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Mac: What?
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?
Mac: Right!
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis and Dee's Mom...
Charlie: Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense...
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense!
Mac: You're right! I'm gonna do it!

Dennis: [after witnessing Mac kiss his Mom at her front door] Oh my God! Ohhh...
Charlie: Yeah... that's a terrible thing... a terrible thing for you to see that.
Dennis: I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him!
Charlie: Wait wait wait! What are you gonna do? Punch him in the face? Throw him? Maybe work the body a little?
Dennis: I was gonna...
Charlie: No no no, that's not gonna help. That's not gonna help and I'll tell you why: It doesn't unbang your Mom.

Dee: I am not having sex with you, Charlie.
Charlie: No, it's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis!


Hundred Dollar Baby [2.6][edit]

Brianna: You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.
Sweet Dee: I will eat your babies, bitch!
Frank: Nobody's eating anybody's babies.
Sweet Dee: Come on, let me eat her babies
Brianna: What did you just say you little bitch!

Frank: You're not ready for this fight, you're not...
Dee: Oh, I have an idea, dad! Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag!

Frank: All right, here's what you're going to do. You're going to take all the weight on your neck. Then you're going to jam your legs down and hyper-extend your ankles, and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.
Dee: Not one of those things sounds right to me. At all.

The Gang Exploits a Miracle [2.7][edit]

Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Charlie: [to Mac] You know what dude, hear me out for a second okay. Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Dennis: So... if you like the Virgin Mary, and you like beer, come on down to Paddy's Pub! We got 'em both.

Charlie: [singing] I got the good lord goin' down on me!

The Gang Runs for Office [2.8][edit]

Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!
Dee: Wow, That's my dad everyone!

Lady: Are you going to take care of the crime problem here?
Dennis: Absolutely, I say we put them on buses and ship them over to Iraq.. make them fight the terrorists.
Lady: You're very handsome.
Dennis: Thank you ha ha.
Charlie: This is going very, very well man.
Dennis: I know people are really responding to me.
Charlie: They love the bone structure.
Mac: [walking up to them] I've been looking for you guys everywhere...Look. I've been thinkin'...and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys. I wanna help.
Charlie: What? Wait, wait, so first you wash your hands in politics and now you want back in? That's called flip-flopping, Mac! That's what Democrats do.
Dennis: Hang on a second Charlie, let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.
Mac: Yeah, yeah. Give me a chance...what should I do?
Charlie: "What should I do"? Strike one, buddy.
Dennis: You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.
Mac: All right...ah...check this out. [Goes up to woman pushing her baby in a stroller] Excuse me, hi. I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.
Woman: Oh, thank you.
Mac: Yeah, I was wondering, [stopping the stroller from moving] if you wouldn't mind if that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.
Woman: Excuse me?
Mac: Yeah...oh. I'm sorry. He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.
Woman: You know, I'd rather not.
Mac: [stopping the stroller again] Yeah, well you's...good for him and it's good for you, so I think you should maybe just give me the baby.
Woman: You know what? Please leave me alone.
Mac: Okay, lady. Just give me the baby and I could get it over with as quickly as possible.
Woman: I said no!
Mac: Goddammit, just give me the baby! [tries to unbuckle the baby out of the stroller]
Woman: Somebody help me!
Charlie: This is campaign suicide, dude...
Dennis: Let's get out of here.

Charlie You got that script that I wrote? Grab that script.
Dennis: I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.
Charlie It's good.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic, bro. I'm not reading this.
Charlie No, no, no, please read it.
Dennis: I think you might be dyslexic bro.
Charlie Just read the script once.
Dennis: Okay you want me to read the script?
Charlie Yes. And action.
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot." What? "Taxes, they'll be lower. Son. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do." This doesn't make any sense!

Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's (Bleep) [2.9][edit]

Charlie: Okay, okay, uh I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
Dennis: Good work.
Charlie: No, no, no. That's not good trap. I'm done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
Dennis: That's why we call it Charlie Work.
Charlie: No, no dude not Charlie Work. There's like an emotional toll that comes out of this. I mean you kill one of these... [Dennis blows smoke in Charlie's face]
Charlie: You kidding me?
Dennis: What? What?
Charlie: You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.
Dennis: What is he talking about?
Charlie: You know if you wanna smoke, you should have to take it outside.
Frank: It's a bar.
Dennis: Yeah, it's a bar.
Dee: Yeah, but you know what? Charlie, I think you're right. I think we should ban smoking in here.
Mac: Oh, come on. That's completely ridiculous.
Dee: Why is that ridiculous? There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.
Mac: Uh, yes and its completely unamerican.
Dennis: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
Charlie: I work in this bar. I work here.
Dennis: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here. Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom. They strip them away from smokers.
Frank: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: ...and a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!
Dee: Oh my god.
Dennis: Look the point is if Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution man.
Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two unamerican freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Yea we hate it.
Charlie: Oh, I'm unamerican?
Frank: You're practically a Vietcong.
Charlie: Is that right? Okay. You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll outta here.
Dee: Where are we going?
Charlie: We're gonna go America all over their (Bleep)!

Charlie: I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little butt, I'm gonna to kick some butt in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little butt. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!

Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.

Charlie: Look, could you imagine America where everyone just gives up?
Dee: I don't care.
Charlie: Okay, let's just give up.
Mac: Hey Charlie.
Charlie: No look guys. How you doing? Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?
Mac: No. No.
Charlie: No, it's okay and you know why? Because I give up. I'm living in GiveUp America.
Dennis: What are you talking about? Will you shut up?
Charlie: I'm gonna be a smoker.
Mac: You don't have to smoke Charlie.
Charlie: You know why? Because we give up. We live in GiveUp America. I live in GiveUp America. I live in an America where... hey Ryan. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if you're not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? Thanks bro. Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail man, but anytime you want to stab me, it'd be really great for me because... [Liam stabs Charlie in the back with a fork]
Liam: That's what you get Charlie.
Dennis: Hey get the heck out of here.
Liam: You get forkstabbed!

Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad [2.10][edit]

Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your a**?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my a**!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our (Bleep)!

Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: Computers are for losers.
Dennis: You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning!
Mac: Whatever, dude. Irrelevant.

(Frank has just been informed by his ex-wife Barbara that he is not Dennis and Sweet Dee's father.)

Frank (sarcastic): Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene! I was just told, excuse me, that my HORRIBLE, WHORE WIFE has tricked me into raising two bastards for thirty years, and I'm bein' asked not to make a scene! (He goes over to a nearby table.) Did you bang my wife? Huh? (As he goes over to another table, Dennis and Sweet Dee are mortified, while Barbara is just annoyed.) Did you bang my whore wife? (Addressing the room in general) Does anybody here have any illegitimate children with my horrible, whore wife THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?!
Barbara (annoyed): Jesus, Frank...
Frank (really losing it now): JESUS, FRANK! JESUS, FRANK! JESUS, FRANK!!! JESUS!!! My life is a lie! My life IS A LIE!!!! (His gaze turns back to their table and he lunges for a fork. Completely unhinged) Somebody's gotta get stabbed! SOMEBODY'S GOTTA GET-- (Frank freezes in mid-sentence, almost as if he's been hit by something, gurgles feebly, and falls straight to the floor, taking the tablecloth and everything on it with him.)

Mac's Dad: Let me get this come to me empty handed, and now you want my help?
Mac: I know we let you down, but I promise to you, if you help us out with a certain situation, we will come back to you with our butts filled.
Charlie: Oh, so filled! So filled for you!

Season 3[edit]

The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby [3.1][edit]

Charlie: Dude, it's amazing. Look at this. Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.

Frank: After we made love, she did get pregnant. But she had an abortion.
Charlie: Really?
Frank: Yeah, yeah.
Charlie: Well, are you sure she went through with it, dude? 'Cause she probably didn't tell you.
Frank: She probably went right from the clinic and banged some guy and got knocked up, because your mother was a giant whore.

Tanning Employee: You want to put your baby into the tanning bed?
Mac: We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes or so.
Dee: Just to get nice base roasting, golden brown or real tan
Mac: [exaggerated] Just to get a base.

In a note Charlie left: Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day sometime.

Frank: What the hell is that?
Mac: It's a baby we found in the trash.
Frank: [pauses] Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Charlie: Well, if it isn't the girl who broke my heart by *falling* in love with my best friend and havin' *sex* with this guy! [motions to Frank]
Waitress: Gross.

The Gang Gets Invincible [3.2][edit]

Frank: This is going to be exactly like Woodstock.
Dee: Oh, is it? Ooh, are you planning on getting yourself locked in the bathroom of your cousin's Winnebago for 3 days?
Frank: Shut up about that! I survived on hand soap and toilet water for three days. The memory haunts me.

Frank: I'm startin' to feel it.
Charlie: I bet you are, bud.
Frank: I'm feelin' weird.
Charlie: Yeah, you're probably feeling very weird.
Frank: The acid's makin' me feel like I gotta take a dump.
Charlie: That's what happens when you take a lot of acid, dude.
Frank: I gotta go.
Charlie: Then go.
Frank: The line's too long. Maybe I can hold it in.
Charlie: Then go in the McPoyles' camper, dude.
Frank: I don't know, that might bring back bad memories.
Charlie: Oh my God.
Frank: I think I wanna hold it. How you feelin'?
Charlie: Annoyed.
Frank: Nothin' kickin' in yet?
Charlie: What are you talking about, the beer?
Frank: No, the acid.
Charlie: I did not take any acid, remember?
Frank: [laughing] Oh yeah you did.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Frank: I put a shitload of it in your beer.
Charlie: What!? Is that what all those little pieces of paper were floating in my be..?!
Frank: Yeah.
Charlie: I drank all that shit, dude!
Frank: That's okay.
Charlie: There was like a ton of acid in there!
Frank: Yeah!
Charlie: Why would you do that?!
Frank: I don't wanna be the only one trippin'.
Charlie: Oh my God, man! Oh my God! Oh my God!...
Frank: Charlie, I actually really need to go take a dump.
Charlie: Shut up! I don't care! Go! Go in the camper, dude! Get out of here!
Frank: [walks away]
Charlie: Oh, you sick son of a bitch, dude! Why would you d..!? Oh shit! Oh shit!

Charlie: Man this is crazy. You are dancing with the entire McPoyle Family. These people are freak shows, man...freaks. But you're keeping your cool. You're keeping your cool. You know why? Because you are the Green Man. Green Man is saving your life right now, bro. Just go with the flow.
Mac: Charlie, we've been looking all over for you, dude.
Dennis: Green Man, I knew you couldn't resist.
Charlie: Huh? You know what? I'm actually tripping pretty hard right now.
Mac: You're tripping?
Charlie: Yeah, Frank gave me some acid and it's like... whoo.
Mac: Oh, Jesus.
Liam: Hey guys. Guess who got invited to training camp?
Ryan: Yeah, we're going to be famous.
Dennis: Look we need to talk to Green Man for a minute please.
Mac: Yeah, just go over there.
Dennis: Let's go man. Thank you. Charlie, where is Frank, it's very important.
Charlie: Oh, Frank? He's standing right there.
Mac: Frank, What the hell are you doing?
Artemis: He's been trying to climb through that trash can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.
Frank: Thank God you guys are here! How did you get in here?
Dennis: What the hell are you talking about? (Mac looks around)
Frank: I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours!
Artemis: I think he took a dump in there.
Mac: Can you give us a second, please?
Artemis: Whatever. I'm getting tired of watching him anyway.
Dennis: All right, Frank, listen. Did you bring your gun today?

(Frank whips his gun out)

Mac: Great. Walk me through the plan again.
Dennis: Awesome.
Dennis: The plan is I get close to Dee. When she goes to punt the ball, I'll fire the gun. It'll startle her. She'll blow the kick.
Mac: That's a great plan.
Charlie (as Green Man): Wait a second! How long have I been standing right here?
Dennis: Like, two seconds.
Charlie: Seriously?
Dennis: Frank, give me the gun.
Frank: Where is it?
Dennis: It's in your hand!
Charlie: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! When the hell did I put Green Man on?
Dennis: I don't know!
Frank: That lizard talks!
Charlie: Where? Where? I don't like lizards!
Mac: We don't have time for this! Frank, just give us the gun!

(Frank cocks the gun and points it at Mac and Dennis)

Mac and Dennis: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
Frank: Lizard, am I standing in poop?

Dennis and Dee's Mom is Dead [3.3][edit]

Charlie: You should have seen how passionate he got when I showed him the dick flyer.
Mac: You knew that it was a dick?!

With Mac  :Dennis: You knew?!

Charlie: Well yea we changed it. I thought you guys were changing it.
Dennis: It was always meant to be a bicep.
Charlie: Well why didn’t you cut it like a...cause it totally looks like a dick. I thought well alright lets go with the dick thing, its more masculine anyway. I mean shit if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins.

Frank: I got good news! Your mother is dead--ha!
Dennis: Yeah, right. Nice try. Very funny, Frank.
Frank: I'm serious this time. She had a botched neck lift! She's as dead as disco--hehehe! Who wants champagne?! [Frank pops the cork on a bottle of champagne]

Lawyer: I am so sorry. My apologies, we're so busy today. It's good to see all of you.
Dennis: That's quite all right, sir. Don't worry about it. Listen, would now be a good time to say a few words about my wonderfully warm and caring mother?
Dee: No, just get to the reading part.
Frank: Get on with it, man. Let's go.
Lawyer: All right. Uh, which one of you, uh, is Frank Reynolds?
Frank: Yo!
Lawyer: Okay, uh, Frank, I have something here I need to read to you from Barbara. [reading] "Frank, if your fat monkey heart is still beating, then congratulations. I want you to know that I hereby leave all of your money to Bruce Mathis, the real father of my children."
Dennis: What?!
Dee: What?!
Frank: Bruce Mathis?!
Lawyer: [reading] "A handsome man with a beautiful soul and a nicer penis."
Frank: You're giving all of my money to that jerk-off!?
Lawyer: You know, Mr. Reynolds, I'm reading what's on the document.
Dee: Why are you giving it to him?!
Lawyer: I'm not--
Dee: She barely even knew him!
Lawyer: Yeah, I'm not giving any money to anybody, you see. I'm just reading what's on a will.
Frank: Where is that rat bastard?!
Lawyer: Sir, I don't know!
Frank: 'Cuz I wanna smash his face, until he's dead--killed dead!
Dennis: Frank, would you forget about Bruce?! Mom just gave away all of our money!
Lawyer: You know what, we should just move forward, okay? [reading] "For my darling son, Dennis...presumably." [motioning to Dennis] "I give you my house."
Dennis: Yeah, okay… well yeah, now it's starting to make sense. Read on.
Lawyer: "...on the sole condition that Frank not be allowed in."
Dennis: I would never let him in.
Frank: What?!
Lawyer: Deandra?
Dee: Yes.
Lawyer: "You get nothing. You were a disappointment and a mistake."
Dee: A mistake? We're twins.
Lawyer: Yeah...
Dee: We were born at the same time. What are you talking about? You're not making any sense.
Frank: Tell that bitch it doesn't make sense!
Lawyer: Okay, I'm reading the words that someone else wrote, 'kay? I don't know your mom, never met your mom. In fact, I'm certainly not speaking to your mom now, because she's dead!
Dee: Yeah, we know she's dead. We're venting because we're frustrated.
Frank: You tell her, she's a goddamned whore--always been a whore!
Dee: Whoa whoa, what about jewelry? Does it say anything about jewelry?
Lawyer: It does say something about the jewelry in here, in that um, she wants to be buried in it.
Dee: Goddamnit... oh goddamnit!
Frank: Oh! Oh! She's taking it into the grave!
Dee: Tell you what, you son of a bitch, I'm very disappointed in you today--very upset with you! You tell her from me, that I will be in touch with her, somehow...
Frank: Yeah, tell her she's a bitch!
Lawyer: These are awkward situations, often, and I know it can be difficult...
Dennis: [whispering to the lawyer as Frank and Dee leave] Hey, thanks for the house, dude.
Lawyer: You know...[awkwardly "bumping fists" with Dennis] You know, I didn't give you the house...that's not how this whole situation works...
Dennis: [gleefully] Yes you did! [laughs]
Lawyer: Mmm-hmm, 'kay.
[Dennis leaves]
Lawyer: [to himself] Jesus Christ.

The Gang Gets Held Hostage [3.4][edit]

Dennis: Margaret, you like sweat, don't you. Margaret--it is Margaret, isn't it? Of course it is. You know, your eyebrow drives me crazy. It's so thick, i'ts so dark, so very...connected. You're a stone cold fox, Margaret. You're a stone cold fox, and I want you. I gotta have you--I need you. I want you inside me. But you know that, don't you, Margaret?

Frank: When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast...Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

Liam: Start breaking bricks wet nips!

Dennis: Dude, I swear to god if you try and give me a noogie I will yank your underwear over your head so hard your asshole will rip in half.
Mac: (walks in from the office) Helloooo!!! What's up bitches?
Charlie: Mac, can an asshole rip in half?
Mac: Like tissue paper.


Liam: We're takin' you bitches hostage.

The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty McGoo [3.5][edit]

Dee: What is this thing?
Charlie: That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.
Dee: No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.
Charlie: Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. Okay, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"
Dee: Oh God.
Charlie: And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.
Dee: Charlie...
Charlie: And then it's just you and me babe...
Dee: Oh my God.

Mac: Dee, can I talk to you for a second? Look, I know what you're trying to do. You wanna show this girl what's what. I get that. And I think if you just buckle down and join the team--
Dee: Mac, I'm gonna stop you right there. First of all, your breath smells like an old-lady fart passing through an onion. Secondly, I know you're trying to manipulate me. And it's not going to work. Get your hand off my shoulder because I've got a fatty to burn.

The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation [3.6][edit]

Charlie: Ohhhhhhhh shit! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?
Dennis: I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?
Charlie: Nah, I was talking abou...I didn't say...did you...what did you hear?
Dennis: I heard you say "There was a door marked pirate living in there."
Charlie: Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?
Dennis: You're the one that....Jesus Christ man, shit.

Charlie: It's locked! All right, let me try this out.
Dennis: What is that, your apartment key? That's not gonna work!
Charlie: Why not?
Dennis: We're not at your apartment, shithead!
Charlie: Well how many possible lock combinations can there be?
Dennis: Oh, so many, dude, like hundreds of millions.
Charlie: Well eventually they're gonna overlap--
Dennis: They're not ever gonna--
Charlie: You know what, you're right, it's not working.
Dennis: Oh, no shit.
Charlie: Well it was worth a try!
Dennis: It was not worth a try.

Dennis: When she jumps up on the stage we'll blast her with the water, the crowd will go crazy, the other girls are gonna wanna join in, and we will save the bar and then she'll break up with Charlie ruining any hopes for happiness that that son of a bitch ever had.
Mac: I agree with the first part but the second part seems incredibly harsh.
Dennis: It's the best goddamn part.

Dee: Those goddam North Koreans.
Dennis: They are some sneaky bastards.

The Gang Sells Out [3.7][edit]

Mac: You promised you wouldn't bring up the helicopter!
Charlie: Dude, you're not the boss of me, okay?
Mac: Technically, Charlie, I am the boss of you, because I own half your shares!
Charlie: Since when?
Mac: You sold me half your shares of the bar for "goods and services"!
Dennis: Wait, you've definitely given me half your shares too, dude!
Charlie: Maybe I gave you guys a couple of shares when my back was against the wall and I needed a little breathing room--
Mac: Bro, you gave me a shitload of shares one time for half a sandwich!
Charlie: What're you guys doing? Is this a hose job, where you're hosing me down?
Dennis: Dude, you hosed yourself down!
Mac: You hosed yourself up and down, Charlie!
Charlie: C'mon, what do you guys want me to do?
Mac: I don't care!
Dennis: Yeah, get a job!
Charlie: Oh, get a job?
Mac: Yeah!
Charlie: Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet, and squeeze down into a job cannon, AND FIRE OFF INTO JOBLAND, WHERE JOBS GROW ON JOBBIES?!!!

Charlie: I see what you're saying. I could go for some wood.
Mac: Uh, no, we're saying 'wooed'.
Charlie: Yeah, cool. We'll get some wood, we'll build something cool, then we'll go get the money.
Dennis: That doesn't have anything to do with what we're talking about, Charlie. We're talking about being wooed by this corporate guy...
Charlie: How are you going to be wood?

Dennis: Some gay guys are twinks, and others are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way we're totally cool with that. To each his own.
Frank: Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?
Dennis: A twink is small and slender, like Mac.
Mac: Oh no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear.
Dennis: Ohh don't think so bro. Not hairy enough.
Frank: Smooth. I would be a bear.
Dennis: No no, see I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you would be, because you're definitely not a twink.
Frank: I'd be a top, that's for sure.
Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears?
Dennis: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth, but I think more often than not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power-bottoms.
Frank: What's a power-bottom?
Mac: A power-bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.
Dennis: Actually Mac, you got it backwards. See, a power-bottom's actually generating all the power by doing most of the work.
Frank: Does the power have to do with the size or the strength of the bottom?
Mac: Now Dennis, I've heard that speed has something to do with it.
Dennis: Speed has everything to do with it. You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game. Right, buddy?
(notices that Corporate Guy has left)
Mac: Goddammit!

Waitress: Dennis!
Dennis: Ooh, hey.
Waitress: [Flirtatiously] Hehe, hi.
Dennis: Ha, so listen, first let me apologize for never calling you back, ever. Second, I was applying here and maybe you could, you know, help me out.
Waitress: Ooh, hehe...well, um, why don't I just go get you an app...
Dennis: ...App...lication and uniform?
Waitress: Hehe, yeah!
Dennis: Ha ha, that's weird that we said that at the same time.
Waitress: Hehe, I know! Well I'll be back and, yeah.
Dennis: All righty.
Waitress: Hehe, um, yeah. Hehe, yeah, bye.
Dennis: Ha ha, bye.[Waitress walks out] What's her name again?
Charlie: I hate you.

Dee: I have been taking this place up the butt with a little thing I like to call "Dee's Double-Drop."
Dennis: So you're doing the double-drop here too?
Dee: You know about that?
Dennis: Yeah, we always used to take the difference out of your purse.

Dee: I'm not asking you to do anything, just turn a blind eye while I rob this place stupid.

(Cut to the front of the bookstore. Frank and his gang buddies are playing jacks while Mac looks on in bewilderment and disgust.)
Mac (sarcastic): This is very intimidating, Frank.
Frank: Don't worry, we're sending out an strong message, Mac, don't you worry. (A man and his kids walk by.)
Man: Hey, look, kids, it's a 50's doo-wop group.
Mac (does a double take): What?! No, we're not a 50's doo-wop group!
Man: Hey, listen, would you sing us a song?
Mac (annoyed): We don't sing, guy!
Frank: Oh, yeah, we do. We'll sing, we'll sing for you. Right, boys?
Mac (dumbfounded): You guys sing?!
Frank: Of course, we sing! We're a gang!
Mac: No, no, no, no, gangsters don't sing!
Frank: What're you talking about? You ever hear of gangster rap?
Mac: we're not gonna intimidate anybody if we're entertaining the whole goddamn neighborhood!
Frank: Listen to this: (They break out into song.)
Coast on, Yellow Jacket Boys,
They don't pay for sodapop,
'Cause they really rumble
(As they sing, it slowly dawns on Mac that he's hitched his cart to the wrong star...again. One of the children puts money in the still-full cup of coffee he was drinking out of. He's had it.)
Mac: Goddammit! (He walks away.) Goddammit!

(Cut to the restaurant.)
Dennis: Guess what? I just topped myself for most phone numbers in one day--nine.
Dee (high-fiving him): Nine? Come on. Six strawberry margaritas, please. (Charlie and the Waitress come up. Charlie is clearly gloating about something.)
Charlie: Uh, don't make 'em, 'cause you won't have your jobs much longer. Corporate's on their way down here right now to fire your asses!
Dee: What?! You told on us?
Dennis (hurt): Babe, don't do that to me! I feel like we were getting so close, sweet baby--
Charlie: He doesn't even know your name!
Dennis: Yes, I do!
Waitress: What's my name, what is it? (There is a pause while Dennis tries to figure out a way to bullshit his way out of this one.)
Dennis: Beautiful. (It didn't work.)
Waitress (disgusted): Oh, my God! You're a dick!
Dennis: That's what I call you all the time. Would you not want to be called "beautiful"? (Corporate Guy enters.)
Corporate Guy: Are one of you guys the one that called me? (Charlie turns to face him.)
Charlie (raising his hand): Uh, right here. These two (points to Dennis and Dee) are the ones who were stealing.
Corporate Guy: Hey, I know you...(points at Dennis)...and you. You're the ones who run that dive bar down the street!
Charlie: Yeah, and you're the corporate dude with the helicopter.
Corporate Guy: Right. Here's the thing--I had a really strange night last night. Your friends and their doo-wop group, they showed up at my house and tried to attack me. One of them died on my doorstep, and it sorta put me in a funk. So I'm gonna clean house, and you're all fired. (The Gang is taken aback, but the Waitress is incredibly smug.)
Waitress (gloating): You guys are all fired. I'm not fired. I'm not fired, right?
Corporate Guy: Did you hire these people? (Various affirmations from the Gang.)
Charlie: She hired me.
Corporate Guy: Well, then, clearly you're an idiot, because these people are psychopaths. (sarcastic) But no, you're not fired. (beat) I'm just kidding, you are. Get the hell out of my restaurant. (He walks out.)
Waitress (turning on Charlie): Goddammit, Charlie! Really?! Now how am I gonna pay for my rent next month, huh?
Charlie: Don't worry about it, you can come and live with me, all right? (He reaches out to her, but she rejects him.)
Waitress: GO TO HELL!!! (She storms off.)

Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire [3.8][edit]

Dee: That's a bad idea, whenever you get involved, someone gets hurt.
Frank: I'm just palling around with the guys, how's anyone gonna get hurt?
[Cue episode title]

Charlie: Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?
Mac: See, that was real news.
Charlie: Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?
Mac: Yes.
Dennis: Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

[In a retirement home]
Mac: These places are like prison...
Frank: Like people getting their ass raped?
Charlie: What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!
Mac: No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...
Frank: Because they're getting their ass raped!

Mac: The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys!
Charlie: Okay, okay, quick conference, guys. Everyone, keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right, people here they love... look at this guy, he's definitely a drifter, all right? He's going to his car and he's going to slide it sideways, ya know what I mean?
Mac: And you know what happens with tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering, which of course leads to karate.
Charlie: Which eventually leads to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop.
Mac: Shooting lightning bolts out of their hands
Charlie: Yeah! And then there's the guy that shoots lightning bolts out of his hands. He wears a big straw hat and he does that move. His eyes go all white and shit and Kurt Russell fights him.

(The gang is watching the video of the burning factory. Dee's screams can be heard from the TV. Dee herself comes into the room, smudged and pissed.)

Dee (furious): I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed!
Charlie: Well, somebody had to do it!
Mac: Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!
Dee: You set me on fire!
Frank': We set the building on fire, you just happened to catch on fire!
Mac: Just barely!
Frank: We put you out!
Charlie: Exactly! (Dee emerges from the building. As Frank is blasting her with the extinguisher, she throws the box of kittens to one side.)
Dee: Well, I do look kinda heroic--
Mac: What?! What are you talking about?! You threw the box of kittens!
Charlie (mimicking Dee): I was on fire!
Frank (annoyed): We gotta shoot this shit again!
Charlie (dismissively): Yeah, like fire hurts...

Dee (from inside the warehouse): It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here!
Frank: Uh-huh! (he tosses the match into the warehouse and runs)

Frank: People love well stories!
Dee: Really?
Frank: Yeah!
Dee: I don't know. That well thing seems a little played-out. I mean, who gets stuck in a well anymore?
Mac: Kittens do!
Dee: Kittens? You put those kitties down there?
Mac: Well...
Dee (annoyed): Oh, man, okay, I'll do it! Just don't set it on fire, okay? I think this is dangerous enough!
Frank: Deandra, use your head! How are we gonna set a well on fire?
Mac: It's filled with water. Save the kittens!
Dee: I'm going! (She gets into the well)
Mac: Save the day! (Frank and Mac start to walk away.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Gimme the matches.
Mac (handing Frank the matchbox): Yep...

(Cut to the video of the rescue. Frank walks slowly to the well.)

Dee I found the kittens! (Frank tosses something into the well and runs. Annoyed) Oh, come on! (Another explosion, and Dee starts screaming again.)

(Cut to the couch, where Frank, Mac and Charlie are watching the video.)

Frank: Now, it's all good up to right here--

(A cardboard box comes flying out of the well, followed by Dee. The gang throws up their hands in disgust.)

Mac: She throws the kittens in every take!
Charlie: Aw, man, she loves to ruin, and ruin, and ruin, and ruin!

Sweet Dee is Dating a Retarded Person [3.9][edit]

Charlie: Okay, all right, I'm ready to rock.
Mac: And who are you supposed to be?
Charlie: Bob Dylan, man. Check this out [hands Mac a crudely drawn picture]
Mac: Jesus, we're all over the place. [looks at picture] Is this a page from a coloring book?
Charlie: No, dude, that's 'Night Man', those are lyrics.
Mac : Whatever, let's just rock.
Frank: Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Charlie: All right, where's my curtain?
Mac: Charlie, don't worry about the curtain, you're not gonna need it.
Charlie: I want a curtain blocking my face.
Mac: You don't need one.
Frank: [to an unkempt man working on wiring] Go on, go have a beer, Ernie.
Charlie: All right, ready.
Frank: 5, 6, 7, 8!
Charlie: [singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean.
Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you.
You make me want to cry, you make me want to die.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man.
Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms
And pin me down and I try to fight you
You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man.
(At first, Mac and Frank appear to be cool with Charlie's lyrics, but when he starts in with the second part, they both stop playing and look at Charlie as if to say, "What the hell is this shit?")
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?
Charlie: It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him, I become the spirit of the Night Man.
Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.
Charlie: What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright,
[resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night.
It might seem wrong, but it's just right.
It's just two men sharing each other.
It's just two men like lovin' brothers.
One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and the other is out.
One is screaming he's so happy and the other's yelling a passionate shout.
It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man.
I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.
[Cut to Mac in Dennis's apartment]
Mac: We need a new front man...

Charlie: [singing] They took you, Night Man, and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands, and I miss you, Night Man, so bad... [hits piano, starts mumbling] stupid! Can't write anything. [huffs spray paint]
Dennis: [Enters Charlie's apartment without knocking] Charlie, let's join forces.
Charlie: Hello, come right in!
Dennis: I will.
Charlie: What happened to your band?
Dennis: Kicked me out.
Charlie: [laughs] Well, it hurts, doesn't it?
Dennis: Hm. What's with the curtains?
Charlie: I'm living in a world of darkness.
Dennis: Right. Let's get some light in here. [pulls curtains off, filling room with light, notices Charlie's face] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?
Charlie: Uhh...what's with your outfit man? [Dennis is wearing spandex]
Dennis: Why don't we put the curtains back up...
Charlie: No, no...what is going on up here, man? [laughing]
Dennis: I never know, man.

Charlie: [singing] Day...Day Man...Fighter of the...Night Man...Champion of the..
Dennis: [also singing] ...Sun!
Charlie: You're the master of karate...
Dennis: And friendship! For everyone.
Charlie: Day Man...
Dennis: Oooh-ahhhhhh!
Charlie: Fighter of the Night Man...
Dennis: Oooh-ahhhhhh!
Charlie and Dennis: [together] Champion of the sun...oooh-ahhhhhh. You're the master of karate and friendship to everyone...

Dee: Well, I just broke up with Kevin!
Mac: Dee, we're trying to practice!
Dee: I can't do it! I can't get it out of my head! I don't know if he's retarded or not, but I can't stop thinking about it!
Dennis: Dee, we're trying to have band practice here!
Dee: I mean, I was gonna ride this guy to the top, you know what I mean? He was gonna put me in one of his rap videos!
Dennis: Look, the guy's not retarded, okay?
Dee: What?!
Dennis: Yeah, I was just saying that to mess with you.
Dee: Why? Why would you do something like that?
Dennis: I thought it'd be funny.
Dee: It's not funny! It's not funny at all! This guy's perfect for me, and you've gone and blown it! You've ruined everything! You are a bad, bad person.
(points at Dennis' jumpsuit)
Dee: Ewww, (trounces out)
Dennis: All right! Ready, guys?
Mac: So, that guy's not retarded?
Dennis: Oh no, he's totally retarded.

Lil' Kev: [rapping] Let me tell y'all a story bout a girl I knew,
A broke-ass bitch with a gay-ass crew.
She said that I was cute, she said that I was funny,
But the honey couldn't stop lookin' at my money,
Busted old lady with a flat tiny ass,
Body like a skeleton in science class,
Face beat up by the School of Hard Knocks,
Hair so fried and bleached by Clorox,
Its like she's skinny, fat in all the wrong places,
Mothers gotta cover they babies faces,
When she walks by people think she's Godzilla,
Straight outa Compton y'all, naw, straight outa Thrilla,
Lookin' like a zombie, walkin' like a chicken,
Mouth full of shit, that's why her breath be stinkin',
Just one question Dee, before you take your bow:
"This gravy train's leavin, so who's retarded now?"
(pushes by Dennis snd Dee)
Li'l Kev: Later, biatch!
Dennis: (thoughfully): I don't think that guy's retarded...

Frank: Charlie's right! We shouldn't be breakin' our shit! We should be out there breakin' other peoples' shit! That's rock and roll!

Frank: How did you guys get a hotel room without puttin' a credit card down?
Mac: We did use a credit card, man. I took it out of your wallet. (smashes a lamp)
Frank (sitting up): Wait a minute, my credit card number's down at the desk?
Mac: Yeah.
Frank (panicked): You mean, we're smashin' up a hotel room with my credit card down at the desk? Why would you do that?
Mac: Uh, they don't let you book a hotel room without putting a credit card down, Frank. What year do you think it is? (smashes a wine bottle against a wall)
Frank: We gotta put this stuff back together again!
Mac: What?
Frank: Charlie, get the glue! Gimme the glue!
Charlie: Glue is for huffing, dude!
Frank: Gimme the glue!
Mac: It's part of the process! It's part of the process, Frank!

Sweet Dee: Hold on, hang on! You did not get that point down there! That was my point! That was my point! Retarded, two, Normal, one!
Dennis: She practically came out and told us he was retarded! Retarded, four, Normal, zero!
Sweet Dee: Whoa, hold on a second! Where'd four come from? It's definitely not four!
Dennis (ticking off the items): Well, let's see: there's the driving, the drooling in the yearbook, the "overcoming the odds," the living with the mom? And now the "special" thing. You know what, it's not four, it's five!
Dee: Oh, yeah? What are you, the Point King? You just pick up points left and right? It's Retaded, three, Normal, one!
Dennis: Oh, come on, there's so much more retarded stuff out there!

Mac is a Serial Killer [3.10][edit]

Mac: (To his pre-op transsexual girlfriend) It's not that I'm ashamed of you, it's that I'm ashamed of myself.

Frank: I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.
Dee: What?
Dennis: Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?
Frank: Oh, we do...because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance...a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.
Dennis: He makes less and less sense as the days go by.
Sweet Dee: I don't get all.

Charlie: Look, Mac, I'm tired, I want to go home, I just want to wash my hands of this whole stinkin' mess, so I'm gonna ask you just one time: did you, or did you not, snap into a distinct and alternate personality, and go on a serial killing rampage?
Mac: What? No!
Charlie: Wha...yes you did. You're two people, right? Let's see the other one. Let him out.
Mac: Let who out?
Charlie: The serial killer! Let the serial killer out!
Mac: I'm not a serial killer!
Frank: Then why all the shady behavior?
Mac: I've been banging the tranny! I didn't want you guys to find out!
Charlie: No, you've been...what?!


Dee: Ewww. Oh, I don't even know how that works, oh, God...

Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender [3.11][edit]

Frank: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.
Charlie: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?
Frank: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang. A bang-maid.

Dennis: Timmy, will you recite for our husky friend here the little courtroom speech we prepared?
Timmy: I have a friend, his name is Wendell. He showed me funny movies with furry naked people in them. He gives me juice boxes that make me sleepy.
Wendell: All right, I get it.
Timmy: He's silly. He's a tickle monster!
Wendell: Listen, kid, I said I get it, okay?
Timmy: He makes me taste things I don't want to. He puts things in my hiney.
(Both Dee and Dennis wince)
Wendell: Goddammit, will you make the kid stop? Please, come on.
Dee: Yeah, I think that ought to do it.
Dennis: Yeah, that's good, Timmy. So you'll leave?
Wendell: Yeah. I'll leave. [winks at Timmy as he closes the door]

Frank (threateningly): Stay away from my bang-maid!

Charlie: Holy shit, I think he's killing these people! And he's probably eating them too, dude, and although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved, man! We're accomplices!
Mac: No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--
(stops dead when he realizes what that means)
Charlie: Ohhh, dude....
Mac (panicked): That doesn't sound good!
Charlie: No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...
Mac: --I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.
Charlie (leaping forward): WHAT?!!
Mac: Charlie.
Charlie: Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS! (begins to scream)

The Gang Gets Whacked, Part I [3.12][edit]

Dee: What about you, Dennis?
Dennis: Well I...
Frank: Dennis is a prostitute now.
Mac: Good.
Dennis: No, I'm not a prostitute, okay?
Frank: Yes, he is.
Dennis: There is no banging old ladies or dudes, all right? I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion.
Mac: To dudes?
Charlie: To guys or...
Dennis: No, not to dudes. No, hang on. Hold on. Hang on. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac: Great, Dennis, you keep banging dudes.

Charlie: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.
Dee: What?!
Charlie: Yes, I did.
Dee: No, you didn't.
Charlie: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?
Dee: [to Dennis] He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Charlie: Well how 'bout this, first I have to deal with this problem with the mob, you know how that is.
Buster: Oh sure.
Charlie: So once I'm done with that, I'm coming back for that horse, because I feel like we had a connection.
Buster: Ohh thats what I like to hear, you and that horse together it's perfect so come on you old son-of-a-gun and hey, while your at it let Buster do a line off your boner!
Charlie: Wwwwwhhhhoooo...[Gets up and walks away]

The Gang Gets Whacked, Part II [3.13][edit]

Dennis: You know what, I'm walking from this. [Frank slaps him] Ow. What the hell, dude?!
Frank: I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got.
[He slaps Dennis again]
Dennis: Ah! Dude, why do you keep hitting me?
Frank: Don't talk back to me.
Dennis: Okay, sorry.
Frank: Look, I'm going to get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not going to let anything bad happen to you.
Dennis: You promise?
Frank: I promise. And hey, I don't want to hit you, baby. So please don't make me, okay? You're my one and only. You've go to do right by me, okay?
Dennis: Okay.

Dee: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a lil preocupied with worrying about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Rickety Cricket: Watch out for the crackheads. They WILL cut you.

Charlie: I love you Peter Nincompoop! I miss you...already!

Rickety Cricket: You guys, you gotta make it sexy. Hips and nips! Otherwise I'm not eating.

Frank: Oh no, I'm going out, I'm going guns blazing!
Rickety Cricket: Rise up! Gonna get higher and higher!
Mac: Rickety Cricket! Lookin' good bro'.
Rickety Cricket: Thanks I'm almost done!
Charlie & Dee: Ram bop bop bop bop bopp bopa bopa boppa ba!
Frank: How you guys doin?
Charlie & Dee: Oh we're doing fine fantastic. Absolutely! Hey check it out, we got all the cocaine.
Mac: Well okay, but we got bigger problems, me and Dennis just pissed off the Don's wife because we wouldn't bang her so we just need to be prepared for anything.
Dee: Oooh I tell you what, I will get my gun. [Pulls out handgun]
Charlie: Whoa, where'd you get a gun?
Dee: Ooh went back to Bingo.
Charlie: Oh really well you should've told me because I've been carrying this thing around all day. [Pulls out gun]
Mac: Guys guys guys we don't need to use guns!
Dee: I'm gonna hide this in my shoe so I can pretend I'm tying my shoe and reach for it!
Frank: And then I'll reach for some cigarettes and when I ask for a light, we come out blastin'!

[Noises from Charlie, Dee and Frank]

Mac: We are not gonna come out blasting! Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you people?! Look we can still get out of this if we just...calm...doowwwwn!

[Mafia walks in]

Mafia Member: Oh! These guys!
Gang: Oh! Aay!
Don: All right, it's Friday. Where's my money?
Frank: Does anybody got a light?

[Gang pulls out guns]

Mac: What the hell are you doing here, dude?
Dennis: I'm working, what're you doing?
Mac: You cannot seriously be thinking about banging this old lady!
Dennis: No, no, Mac, you have to separate yourself from the way they look, you see? Frank says that the only thing that matters in this game is cash.
Mac (incredulous)': What did Frank do to you?
Dennis: Frank takes care of me, okay? You don't understand the nature of our relationship.
Mac (does a double-take): What?! (Frank notices them and comes running down the stairs.)
Frank (motioning to Mac): Hey! Hey! You, out! This is our turf, get out!
Mac: No, Frank, he cannot bang this woman, okay? she's the mob boss' wife!
Frank: What do you think she's gonna do? Call her husband and say she's bangin' a hoor? (points to Dennis, then to the stairs) Dennis! Up those stairs! (Dennis turns to obey, but Mac grabs him.)
Mac: Dennis, don't do it, he's got you brainwashed. (Frank spins Dennis around and backhands him)
Frank: GO!
Mac (grabbing Dennis): Dennis! (Mac backhands Dennis) STAY!
Frank (hits Dennis again): GO!
Mac (hitting Dennis again): STAY!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac: STAY!
Frank: NOW!
Mac': STAY!
Frank: RIGHT!
Frank: NOW!
Dennis: STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP! Please stop hitting me so I can think for a second!
Frank (nervous): You see? This is bad! You got him thinkin' for himself again!
Frannie (from the top of the stairs): What the hell are you doing, whore? Get back upstairs!
Dennis (after a few seconds): No.
Frannie: Get your ass back in the bedroom.
Dennis (stronger): I'm outta here. (Dennis walks out.)
Frannie: And what about you, Pussy Hands?
Mac (taken aback): Me? Oh, no, I would never sleep with you, you're gross.

Rickety Cricket (singing while pounding on his "drums"): They broke my legs, but they didn't break my spirit! And I can't feel the pain 'cause I found more cocaine! Co-CAINE! (Peter Nincompoop gallops down the street behind him)

Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City [3.14][edit]

[After Dennis's cat emerges from an explosion unscathed]
Dennis: Goddamnit, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.

Frank: Masturbating Bums are bad for Business.

Mac: The police? The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police?!

Dee (beating on a bum with a baton): You like that, bitch, huh? (She throws the bum into the trashcans, picks up a trashcan lid and starts bashing him over the head with it.) I am not your little pinup-girl for you to tug your rotten pecker at!
Bum: You crazy bitch! (Dee kicks him in the ass as he runs away from her.)
Dee: I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!

Charlie: Well, I taped over the Spin Doctors mix!

The Gang Dances Their Asses Off [3.15][edit]

Charlie: No, I put the bar under the pride section.
Dee: No you put the bar under the prize section!

Dennis: Well, what are we gonna do?!
Frank: We're gonna dance our asses off!!

Mac: I do not even understand the smell coming from your body, dude.
Charlie: Oh my God, dude, relax. Dude, I forgot to put on deodorant, okay?
Mac: I have never once, never once seen you wear deodorant, Charlie, never once.
Charlie: Yeah well, you never seen me once wash my testicles either but that doesn't mean I don't do it every Friday.

Dennis: Glad that went well. Now that's settled I'm gonna go get in that chick's pants now.
Mac: I thought they were engaged, dude.
Dennis: Yeah, engaged, come on that's just a word, doesn't mean anything.
Mac: It means they're getting married.
Dennis: Ahh married...engaged...ahh just words. You know my parents were married and engaged once, you saw how that worked out. All right I'm gonna go bang that chick. Enjoy wearing that keg for the rest of the competition.

Mac: What's up bitches?
Dennis: Whoa, why you dancing so strangely?
Mac: Cause of all my energy. I got tons of energy now because of this. [shows off Frank's brownie] Energy bar. Have some.
Dee: Looks like a shit ball.
Mac: No! It's an energy bar.
Dee: Why's it so heavy and big?
Mac: Because it's full of vitamins and shit.

Dee: Aww! Not only did I get Charlie to eat a drug filled brownie. I got everybody in here to do it. Okay? Pretty soon people are going to be dropping like flies and it's just gonna be me and you two jerks. Good luck with those kegs boners.
Charlie: Bitch.

Season 4[edit]

Mac & Dennis: Manhunters [4.1][edit]

Frank: Hey! I killed a deer, I should get to eat it. That's the natural order.
Mac: Wait, you shot a deer?
Frank: That's right! A ten point buck!

(Frank mimes firing a rifle)

Frank: Pt'ew! Right between his soulful little eyes.

Frank: Don't even joke about hunting no man.
Dennis: Who's joking? I'm not joking.
Frank: Oh yeah? Well, I was hunted once. I'd just came back from 'Nam. I was hitching through Oregon and some cop started harassing me. Next thing you know, I had a whole army of cops chasing me through the woods! I had to take 'em all out--it was a bloodbath!
[everyone pauses awkwardly]
Charlie: That's 'Rambo', dude.
Frank: What?
Charlie: You just described the plot of 'Rambo'.
[Mac, Dennis, and Charlie all agree at once]
Dennis: Yeah, and come to think of it, that's not the first time you've described your life in the way of John Rambo's life.

Charlie: Cannibalism? Racism? Dude, that's not for us...those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!

Dee: I don't think I can handle it if we're cannibals and racists.

The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis [4.2][edit]

Mac: How are we suppose to scale back our energy costs when you are filling this generator with gasoline?
Dennis: Yeah bro, since when did you start running the bar on a gas generator?
Charlie: About a week ago. I've been doing it for about a week.
Dennis: Why would you do that?!
Charlie: Well because you know electricity is so expensive man. So I figured let's get a generator and you know run the bar on it.
Dennis: Are you kidding me?! Gasoline is like a thousand times more expensive than electricity!
Mac: You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.
Dennis: Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?
Mac: Uhh...I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.
Dennis: What?! What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?
Mac: You're the looks.
Dennis: Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.
Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's...
Charlie: Whoa! That's awesome.
Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!
Charlie: Oh shit!
Mac: Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble.
Dennis: So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations.
Charlie: You're totally right, dude.
Mac: Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan.
Dennis: Lay it on us, bud.
Mac: It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. [long pause] Not gay sex.
Charlie: Ah...okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean...
Mac: We're gonna solve the gas crisis!
Charlie: Oh, good!

Dennis: Alright, well just let me do the talking.
Charlie: Well, I feel like you got to at least talk with a southern accent, man. [rings doorbell]
Dennis: No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid "disguise."
Charlie: But we're oil men! We would have southern accents.
Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats...
Charlie: Yes, we do! She's gonna...

[front door answered]

Dennis: Hello ma'am. Well, uh, what a lovely house dress.
Charlie: Yeah, well you're lookin' all sorts o' good!
Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy young lady so we're not going to waste your time today.
Charlie: Nah, we're just a couple oil men in from Dallas and well, heh, we're itching like a hound to give you ah somethin' you want.
Dennis: Heh, what my associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much needed service...
Charlie: Hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us.
Dennis: Please let me do the talking. Please.
Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take no for an answer now you here, heh. Okay? So don't be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don't take kindly to no. So, can I fill you up or what?

[rushing into the van]

Charlie: Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'!
Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us.
Mac: Why's he talking like that?
Dennis: Well wildcard over here decided to lose his mind.
Charlie: Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy!
Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn!
Mac: Alrigh guys, I think it's time we just cut our losses and go back to the original plan.
Charlie: Ah, the generator!
Mac: No, not the generator! Storing the gas at Paddy's.
Charlie: Alright.
Mac: It's too soon to sell this gas anyway. Just shut the door.
Dennnis: Go go go...
Charlie: Okay okay...

Frank: You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant!
Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor?
Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days... I guess babies can't be trusted...
Dee: What are you expecting to find?
Frank: Lot of shady shit.
Dee: Like what?
Frank: Like maybe Bruce is banging dudes!
Dee: Why would that be shady?
Frank: Maybe the dudes are babies!
Dee: What?! Bruce is not banging any baby dudes!

[The gang driving in the rape van]

Mac: Wait, the brakes... the brakes aren't working.
Frank: The gas pedal...
Mac: Brakes aren't working. No, I'm saying... no, the brakes.
Frank: Wiggle it, it gets better.
Mac: Guys, why aren't the brakes working?!
Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, bitches! Yeeeeehaaaaw!!! [jumps out of the back of the van]

Charlie: I'm gonna go pick up some disguises.
Dennis: Why?
Charlie: So people don't know who we are.
Dennis: People already don't know who we are!

5 million The posts burned case in point,

Mac's Banging the Waitress [4.4][edit]

Charlie: [Drunk and slurring] Sooo I thought we could celebrate, with some pizza! And some beer! Ohhh, that's right! I ate all the pizza, and I drank all the beer.

Charlie: [in Dennis' bed] Am I peeing? Hey guys, if I'm peeing, wake me up!

Charlie: Just got a couple long-range walkie-talkies.
Dennis: Oh, cool. Did you get one for me?
Charlie: I... diiiid... noooot.

Mac & Charlie Die (Part 1) [4.5][edit]

Frank: This slot defeats the purpose. I can see your eyes! We might as well get married.
Dennis: It's the safest way, Frank.
Frank: Dennis, if I was looking for safe I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

Charlie: Dude...[reaches in mouth]
Mac: No...stop! Don't do it. Oh my God.
[Charlie pulls out tooth]
Mac: How? How is that possible?!?
Charlie: I don't know.
Mac: Just put it down.
Charlie: Do you think they're my baby teeth?
Mac: Put it with the other ones.
Mac: You're not going to be able to eat this hot dog.
Charlie: I'll suck it down.

Parole Guy: You're claiming that your father threatened to, quote, eat the living shit out of you.
Mac: Uh, that is correct.
Parole Guy: Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claimed the prisoner told you that if you didn't, quote, jam a bunch of stuff in your butt, he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink.
Parole Guy: Then, he was going to, quote, eat your butt and your son's butt in the stink, until his stomach was full of your... butts. Is this correct?
Charlie: That is also correct.

Charlie: Of course I'm gonna explode. You think I'm not gonna explode?

Mac & Charlie Die (Part 2) [4.6][edit]

Dennis: Um, okay well, I guess this is probably gonna be it so we should get started. Um, what to say about Mac. Umm...he certainly was...angry.
Frank: Burn the duster!
Dennis: Hey, I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster. Alright. That's crazy. That's like...that's insane. Why would I ever burn...heh...I mean c'mon...I will continue to wear it in his honor and I will burn some other things. You know, maybe like these stupid god damn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar. I'll burn these, but I am not burning the duster. Okay? So forget it. It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to, it's flame retardant. That's like the whole point. It's like a shield of armor. So stop asking me to burn the duster! I'm not going to burn it! So...end of story, you know? Let's just move on. Okay? So...yeah, alright, well uh thank you.

Mac: Kaboom!
Dee: Surprise, bitches! We're alive and it's blowing your minds right now!
Charlie: Hahahahahaha!
Dennis: No, it is not blowing our minds at all. I knew you guys were alive.
Charlie: Huh?
Dennis: Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
Mac: How?
Dennis: 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents. You were speaking at full volume. Okay? Did you think you were being like crafty? And I could see you staring at me through the window. You know I can see through my windows, right? I wanted to piss you off.
Dee: Well what about me? Did you want to piss me off?
Dennis: I thought might have actually been murdered.
Dee: That's what I thought.
Charlie: So hold on a second. So, Frank, you knew too?
Frank: Yeah...[meekly nodding] I knew.
Charlie: And some of this stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like teach me a lesson or...?
Frank: [Long pause] Yeah.
Charlie: Did I see you bang that thing?

Who Pooped the Bed? [4.7][edit]

[In a club]
Artemis: [smiling at guys she just met] Hi! Name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole!
Artemis: Im gonna take my bra off, blast my nips.

[Artemis accusing Dee of being behind the last poop]
Artemis: Deandra, you wanted in on this poop war from the start!
Dee: No, I didn't.
Artemis: The outcast. The slut. The bitch. The whore. The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. You sat on the sideline while these four titans battled it out. You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. That's why when the lights went out you unleashed some thunder of your own. Thunder of the... chocolate variety!

Paddy's Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia [4.8][edit]

Dennis: All right, just sign this paper saying that we didn't kidnap you at all, and you can be on your way with all of our stuff.
[Charlie hits him over the head with a beer bottle]
Mac: DUDE! Why did you do that?
Charlie: I really don't like this guy!

Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be "Most Negative Man in the World Calls Other People White Trash to Make Himself Not Feel So Faggy."

Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life [4.9][edit]

Sinbad: Yo, punk, wake up!
Dennis: What the hell?!
Sinbad: Yeah, you in hell all right! You know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house, and when you in Sinbad's house, you my bitch! Yeah, you know who that is? That's Rob Thomas - Matchbox Twenty. [to Rob] Sing a song.
Rob: [Inhales]
Sinbad: Shut up!
Dennis: Matchbox Twenty? Ooh.
Sinbad: Oh, you the man, huh? You gonna punk him like that?
Dennis: No, no, no.
Sinbad: Stay back, man, no, matter of fact unleash the fury. Get his shoe! Beat his testicles!
Dennis: No, no, no! Don't beat my test... come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, uh. Look man, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here and I'm in a lot of pain. I just don't know whats going on.
Sinbad: Oh it's the pain, huh? My bad, you know I ain't know you was hurting like that. My bad cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. So I'm-a just break it down now, introduce myself right, that's wrong. I'm Sinbad, that's my headshot. I'll autograph that for you a little later on. And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch!

Rob: [gets in Dennis' face] Watch your ass new meat!

Charlie: [referring to Sinbad] I hope he's wearing something made out of windbreaker.

Dennis: [After finding out he was hallucinating about Sinbad and Rob Thomas] Ah, I should see a doctor I'm really messed up.
Sinbad: [Hallucination form] Psst! No your not, bitch!

Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack [4.10][edit]

Employer: And you included in your specialties, "Taking care of business"?
Charlie: Mmm Hmm
Mac: Mmm Hmm T.C.O.B.
Charlie: Mmm Hmm

Mac: This is the perfect opportunity! I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.
Charlie: Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.
Mac: Uh, have you seen The Secret of My Succe$s?
Charlie: Uhhh, they're gonna catch on to you.
Mac: Uhhh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea that'll save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me!
Charlie: Uhhhhhhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?
Mac: Uhhhh...I can't remember it. Oh, Yeah! He bangs that old lady, and then they play that song from the 80's. "Day Bow Bow".
Charlie: What the hell's "Day Bow Bow"?
Mac: [singing Yello's "Oh Yeah"] Day Bow Bow. Chik. Chik-chika!

Charlie: You wanna talk about stress? You wanna talk about stress?! Okay! I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy, Mac--how 'bout that for stress?
Mac: What the hell are you talking about?
Charlie: This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac, and I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out. [Goes to a wall covered in paper and string] Take a look at this.
Mac: Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Charlie: That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? "Pepe Silvia," this name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail is getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia! Pepe Silvia! I look in the mail, and this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself, "I gotta find this guy! I gotta go up to his office and put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise, he's never going to get it and he's going to keep coming back down here." So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac? What do I find out?! There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decide, "Oh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper." There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of Pepe! All right. So I start marchin' my way down to Carol in HR and I knock on her door and I say, "Carol! Carol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe." And when I open the door what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office! in HR. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
Mac: Okay, Charlie I'm going to have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they've been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude, we are going to lose our jobs.
Charlie: Well, calm down because here's one thing that's not going to happen.
Mac: What?
Charlie: We're not gonna get fired.
Mac: We're not?
Charlie: Because we've already been fired.
Mac: We've lost our jobs!
Charlie: Yeah. About 3 days ago a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you and one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.
Mac: If we've lost our jobs, then that means we've lost our health insurance. That means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit, dude, I am having a panic attack. I am actually having a panic attack.
Charlie: Well, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?
Mac: I am, bro.
Charlie: All right, well, fine. You know what, Barney? Give this guy a cigarette, he's freakin' out. [turns to a man in black trench coat and hat standing next to him]
Mac: Huh? Who?
Charlie: Barney. He's the one who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.
Mac: Barney? Who the hell is Barney?
Charlie: You don't see the...[Looks around and Barney's disappeared] Holy shit! Where the hell did he go? [Yello's "Oh Yeah" comes on in the background] Day Bow Bow.
Mac: You've lost your mind! You've lost your goddamned mind, Charlie. [Cha. Chika-chika!]

Dennis: You know what I'm concerned about? I don't want to get too bulky. I want to stay nice and lean and tight. I want to get that Jesus on the cross look.
Sweet Dee: I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion must have been really good for your core.
Dennis: Oh absolutely. Jesus had like the best abs. He had the right idea. He knew no pain no gain.

Spin Class Instructor: Ma'am if you just had a heart attack maybe you shouldn't be working out.
Sweet Dee: Well maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch!

Sweet Dee (to Spin Class Instructor): See you, Coach Dick and Balls.

The Gang Cracks The Liberty Bell [4.11][edit]

Charlie: Wait, wait, wait...Check his pulse.
Dee: He doesn't have a head, Charlie!

Dee: [aiming a gun at a pumpkin on Frank's head] Ready?
Frank: Yes.
Dee: All right.
Frank: Shoot!
Dee: One, two, three..
Charlie: [comes running in] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing!?
Frank: I stole a bunch of guns! I'm testing them out, Charles! This revolution is gonna make us a fortune!
Charlie: All right, well, leave the pumpkin out of it, the pumpkin's innocent.
Frank: Shoot the pumpkin.
Charlie: Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.
Dee: Okay.
Charlie: Gimme the gun.
Dee: Fine.
Charlie: Why is the witch slave shooting at you, anyway?
Frank: Maybe she used her sorcery.
Dee: Sorcery?! Your dumb dick partner walked into the bar, said he stole a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head. Of course I did, so here we are.
Frank: Damn your necromancy, woman!
Dee: Oh my God!
Charlie: Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.
Dee: You know what? Okay, you guys. I tell you what, you win! I'm a witch, okay? I'm a witch and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns!
Charlie: [points gun at Dee and pulls trigger but gun malfunctions]
Dee: Charlie! Goddammit! [storms off]
Frank: Gimme that gun!
Charlie: She cursed the gun!
Frank: [aims at the door Dee walked through and pulls trigger] She put a curse on the gun!
Charlie: [pulls out another gun] Let's try this one. [aims at Frank and pulls trigger]
Frank: Nothin'!
Charlie: Try me! [strikes a pose]
Frank: [pulls trigger but still nothing happens]

The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition [4.12][edit]

Charlie: [about the TV show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition] That show is basically about how awesome Sears is!

Dee: Su casa es no más. Su vida es no más. ¡Somos extremos! ¡Cómo la televisión!

Charlie: What does a little Mexican girl love more than anything else in the world?
Dennis: Hmmmmmmmmm...tacos.
Charlie: Tacos, buddy!

The Nightman Cometh [4.13][edit]

Dee: Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on.
Charlie: Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, okay, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, okay, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

Frank: You gotta pay the troll toll to get into this boy's hole. You gotta pay the troll toll to get in. You want this baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll.
Charlie: Stop, stop, stop. All right not bad, good rhythm, love the enthusiasm. I feel like you're saying "boy's hole", and it's clearly "soul". And I know, Artemis, you did write "soul", right?
Artemis: [writing on her script] I did write "soul". I definitely did.

Charlie: (singing) I was that little boy, that little baby boy was me! I once was a boy, but now I'm a man! I fought the Nightman, lived as Dayman, now I'm here to ask for your hand, so if you are too merry m'am will you marry me? Will you come on stage and join me in this thing called matrimony? Please say yes and do not bone me, please just marry me!

Dennis: Dude, do you have a boner right now?!

Dee: Also I wrote a song and I'm gonna throw it in there.
Charlie: I swear to god if you do that I'll-
Dee: Too bad, its gonnnnaaa happen! Its gonna happen!
Charlie: I will smack your face, off of your face!! Do not do a song!
Dee: Okay.

Charlie: (barely in control): I am going to smack everyone into tiny...little...pieces!

Charlie: Keep singing, bitch! You're not gonna have a face by the time I'm through with you!

Season 5[edit]

The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis [5.01][edit]

Dennis: No, no, of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, okay, absolutely, we could cave the husband's skull in here. Yes, we could take the wife down to the basement, have a frenzied free-for-all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms upstairs, so they wouldn't hear anything.....
Mac: In that scenario you'd have to kill the kids because they would have seen our faces.
Dennis: Right; we could smear the walls with their blood, guys... There are any number of twisted scenarios that could play out here. But the easiest thing, really, is to just go get the deed.
Charlie: Right, why get weird?

Charlie: All right, you're getting hung up on "can't", and I'm not saying that you can't. I'm saying that it is illegal.
Dennis: No, but it's not illegal.
Charlie: Says the guy who knows nothing about the law!
Dennis: I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro. It's no different than having a parrot or a parakeet. It's a bird, bro.
Charlie: You really can't, and I'm not saying I agree with it. It's just that bird law in this country—it's not governed by reason.
Dennis: There's no such thing as "bird law".
Charlie: Yes, there is.
Dennis: You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you.
Charlie: Hummingbirds...hummingbirds are illegal tender!
Dennis: I'm going to get one.
Charlie: You cannot.
Dennis: To spite you, I'm going to get one.
Mac: Where are we with gulls?
Charlie: You can keep a gull as a pet, but you don't want to live with a seabird, okay, 'cause the noise level alone on those things...have you ever heard a gull up close? It's going to blast your eardrums out, dude.

Lawyer: You know what? This family, behind me, has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them.
Frank: That's bullbird man.
Charlie: Alright.
Frank: Whaddaya got there?
Charlie: Lemme handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. Look buddy, I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings, uh, I'm well educated, well versed. I know that situations like this, real-estate wise, are complex.
Lawyer: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler-plate.
Charlie: Okay. Well we're all hungry. We'll get to our hot-plates soon enough. Let's talk about the contract here.
Lawyer: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?
Charlie: Well I could ask you that very same question.
Lawyer: I went to Harvard.
Charlie: Ah, mhm.
Lawyer: How about you? Hm? Uh?
Charlie: I'm pleading the fifth, sir.
Lawyer: I'd advise that you do that.
Charlie: And I'll take that advice into cooperation, alright? Now what say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird-law and see how comes out the victor?
Lawyer: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can see clearly you know nothing about the law. It seems like you have a tenuous grasp of the English language in general.
Charlie: (said as fly flies past his head) I, uh, well, filibuster!
Lawyer: Do you.. Do you know what that word means?
Charlie: Ah-yup!
Lawyer: Yeah, whats that mean?
Charlie: uhhhhhhh. AHHHHHHH!!!(proceeds to slam through the door)

Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis: What guy?
Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie: Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened

[shows gang history book]

Charlie: . Take a look at this picture. What do you see?
Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other.
Charlie: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Dennis: How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?
Charlie: [slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to...
Charlie: [giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.

The Gang Hits the Road [5.02][edit]

Mac: I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.
Charlie: I can't, I just ate it.
Mac: The whole thing?
Charlie: Yeah, it was pretty gross.
Mac: The stem and then the, and the core?!
Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem dude!
Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?!
Charlie: Yeah, it was gross.
Mac: Of course it's gross, it's a sticker bro!
Charlie: I eat stickers all the time dude!
Mac: Oh my god, this whole thing is a disaster... I... I'm going back to the car...

Mac: I'm saying I did an ocular assessment of the situation garnered that he was not a security risk and I cleared him for passage.

Charlie: Nice tape job but, I noticed you stopped at the grill.
Dennis: Ran out of tape but, I measured the opening of the door and it's shorter than the height of the grill.

Dee: Maybe you shouldn't have your window open!
Mac: maybe you shouldn't be throwing jars of piss out the window!

The Great Recession [5.03][edit]

Frank: All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken.
Beth: Actually, I'm vegan.
Frank: Okay then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat. Maybe it is a shoe.
Dee: Nice one.

Charlie: We're crab people now Dee.
Dee: Crab people, Charlie?

Dennis: Maybe we should take a page out of ol' D &B's book.

Charlie: We live and die by the crab, Dee.

The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention [5.04][edit]

Dennis: By the way you guys, can I just say as a side note, I am loving this can-wine thing, I think it's brilliant. I mean I'm active, I'm gesturing with my hands, and I don't feel restricted. If I was holding a wine glass right now I'd be spilling wine all over the god damn place.

Mac: Does anybody else feel really uncomfortable?
Charlie: Yes, we're completely under-dressed. It's embarrassing.
Dennis: What are we doing here Frank? What's your angle?
Frank: I want to bang your Aunt Donna.
Dennis: Why would you want to bang our mom's sister at the funeral of her husband?
Frank: Well, I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm going to get real weird with it. Meanwhile, block the wind. I'm going to roast this bone.
Mac: Jesus Christ!

Mac: Okay, Frank, here's another idea..
Frank: Whoa! Whoa! Where'd you come from?
Mac: I've been walking next to you the entire time.
Frank: Sorry, I'm a little...I'm a little lit. I've been going over this thing, I'm trying to figure out how...
Mac: How to bang Donna. I know. You've been talking about it for the last 5 miles.

Dennis: What kind of a person salts another human being? There's no joy in salting someone.

Charlie: My god, there's not enough salt in the world for her.

Charlie: But if I'm being honest my problem is less with the fact he is drinking and more that he is doing it without me. And then I start thinking, what's wrong with me? Am I not fun to drink with?
Dennis: Oh, no, no. Don't do that to yourself. You're plenty of fun to drink with. Trust me Charlie, you really get drunk and then you get reckless. Its a lot of fun.

Tabitha: You know I do offer group therapy.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Dee: What is this? What are you doing?
Dennis: What? What is that?
Tabitha: With all due respect, you're talking about bringing guns to an intervention and you're drinking wine out of a soda can.
Dee: Yeah.
Dennis: Oh. you put wine in the soda can?
Dee: You didn't know did you?
Dennis: That is good.
Charlie: Ahh, you stole Frank's idea.
Dee: Yeah yeah yeah. Its actually is a pretty good idea.
Charlie: Well its a good idea. I mean the guy has great ideas.
Dee: He is a smart man, that is not what we're here about.

Charlie: Well I guess my letter would be about how Frank and I aren't really making memories together anymore. And you know how when we don't make memories together that's a hurtful thing for me.
Dennis: Okay. Uhh, you know let's just dive right in I'm not even going to try and suss out where you're going with that one.
Charlie: Right. Um, number one, when was the last time we played Night Crawlers together, Frank?
Dennis: Oh, uh, okay. Wha-what is that?
Charlie: Well, its not about you... why don't you just right it down and then... ?
Dennis: Yeah, but you said it... you said Night Crawlers. Now... now I feel like I can't... move past it. I gotta know what that is.
Charlie: It... its no big deal, you know. If I were you I'd just write it down cause its not really a big deal.
Dennis: What is it?
Charlie: Its... what it sounds like.
Dennis: What it sounds like is that you two crawl around like worms at night. That's what it sounds like.
Charlie: This is not about you.

Dennis: As a matter of fact I'm starting to think think we need to intervene on you for your goddamn illiteracy.
Dee: Yeah, Charlie, you are getting real dumb.
Charlie: Come on, alright, this is what I'm talking about. Illiteracy. You know, what does that word even mean?

Dee & Dennis: Intervention! Intervention!
Charlie: Whoop! Whoop!
Charlie & Dennis: You're trapped! You're trapped! You're trapped!

Charlie: Hyah! Hyah! Get out of here snail! Hyah! Go snail! Go! Hyah!
Mac: Oh my god, salt the snail! Salt the snail! Go!
Charlie: Oh my god. That was a terrible experience for me by the way.
Dennis: Of course, nobody likes salting the snail but she gives you no choice.
Dee: She doesn't leave you with any options.
Charlie: Horrible thing. I'm all worked up now. I feel bad I feel like maybe... I should have some more wine in a can.

The Waitress is Getting Married [5.05][edit]

Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.
Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.

Dennis: Hey yo! Hey what's..what...what are you doing there buddy?
Charlie: Argh! I'm trying to smoke these hornets to death so I can get their honey, but they keep flying up the tube, stinging me on my face and I think I just swallowed one.
Dennis: As I tried to explain before, you can not get honey from a hornet's nest.
Charlie: I just don't think there's any science to support that, buddy.
Dennis: There is some very basic science out there supporting that.
Charlie: No, no.
Dennis: Trust me, pal. Okay, it's actually a fact. It's not even science.

Charlie: Tell you what, let me pop a quick H on this box this way we all know that it's filled with hornets.

Dennis: Let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Umm…how about your favorite food, what would that be?
Charlie: Oh, milk-steak.
Dennis and Mac: (simultaneously) Hmm?
Dennis: What?
Charlie: Milk-steak.
Dennis: I’m not putting milk-steak.
Mac: Just put regular steak and then-
Charlie: Don’t put regular steak, put milk-steak, she’ll know what it is.
Dennis: No she won’t know what it is! Nobody knows what that is. Okay, alright what’s your favorite hobby?
Charlie: Uhh…magnets.
Dennis: Wha-like making magnets, collecting magnets?
Mac: Playing with magnets?
Charlie: Just magnets.
Dennis: I’m just gonna put snowboarding. We’ll just put snowboarding.
Charlie: I don’t really snowboard.
Dennis: What are some of your likes?
Charlie: Uhh…ghouls
Mac: Son of a bitch. What are you talking about?
Charlie: Just funny little green ghouls.
Dennis: W-What like in movies, or in cartoons?
Charlie: Little green ghoul buddies!
Mac: Don’t write ghouls!
Dennis: I’m not! I’m putting travel! Jesus Christ, what are your dislikes?
Charlie: People's knees.
Dennis: Oh come on dude! Come on!
Mac: Bro, you gotta be kid-you know what we’ll just make it all up.
Dennis: We’ll make the whole thing up.
Mac: We’ll doctor the picture.
Dennis: We aren’t even going to use you for this.
Charlie: Cover your knees up if you're gonna be walking around everywhere.

Charlie: [trying to say that he is a philanthropist] I'm a full-on-rapist.

Charlie: Yes, my good man, I'll have the milk steak, boiled over hard, and your finest jelly beans...raw.

(After everything at the waitress's bachelorette party goes awful)"
Frank: This is depressing. (To Artemis) Want to go get sweaty in the bathroom?
Artemis: You know it.
Dee: (angrily) No! No one's getting sweaty in my bathroom! Just get out of here!
Frank: Alright fine! We'll go get sweaty in the Wendy's bathroom.
Dee: Great, go have sex at Wendy's! Wonderful! just get out of here!

Frank: So the Wendy's manager was like "You gotta clean dat up!" and I was like they're your hamburgers you clean them up. Artemis was all bummed out about something I did to myself with the onions and now she won't talk to me.

Charlie: Sorry about that, some guy in the bathroom wouldn't give me his shirt.

Charlie: You don't know shit about chicks!!!
Dennis: oh! we don't know shit about chicks?? so guess what bro, the waitress is getting marriage so suck on that!!!.......

The World Series Defense [5.06][edit]

Dee: [reading a letter Mac wrote to baseball player Chase Utley] Alright, Oh shit there's stickers. "Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike." Really? "I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real 'home run.'"

Dennis: I hate to tell you this bro, but you do not have the core strength to scale the facade of Citizens Bank, you just don't.
Mac: What?! I work out all the time!
Dennis: Yeah but you only work out your glamour muscles and you know it.
Mac: I work out my core.
Dennis: No you do not work out your core. You're totally arm heavy, you're all bi's and tri's and everything else is just fat and, and ribs.
Mac: Bro I can do way more push ups than you and that's like 16 different muscle groups I think.
Dennis: That is beyond retarded what you're saying right now. I can do way more push ups then you even though I was just hit by a car...

Mac: I do not appreciate being paraphrased. I choose my words very deliberately.

The Gang Wrestles for the Troops [5.07][edit]

Dennis: Can I stop you guys for one second? What you just described, now that just sounds like we are singing about about the lifestyle of an eagle.
Charlie: Yeah.
Mac: Mm-hmm.
Dennis: Well I was under the impression we were presenting ourselves as bird-MEN which, to me, is infinitely cooler than just sort of... being a bird.

Charlie: Look at this, dude. That's just a bucket of chestnuts.
Dennis: Who has-
Mac: What, is he just foraging for his food?
Charlie: I don't know, why the hell would you have a bucket of chestnuts, bro?!

The Gang: [singing] Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Clap! Stomp! Stomp! Clap! The eagle's born out of thunder. He flies through the night. Don't you mess with his eggs now, or you'll see us fight! Yes we have feathers, but the muscles of men. 'Cuz we're birds of war now, but we're also men! Birds of war! Ah ah ah ah!!

FRANK: It's time to take The Trash Man out of retirement!

Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens [5.08][edit]

Dennis: You drew a man's buttocks on a towel!
Mac: Yeah. You get out of the shower in the college dorm, they got the butt, right, people are laughing --
Dennis: Oh, okay, yeah.
Mac: Your buddies are laughing. And then, and then you give 'em one of these. Boom.
Dennis: Oh, that is big.
Mac: That's a big monster dick.
Dennis: That's huge.
Mac: That's the biggest dick you ever seen.
Dennis: Yeah, that's really --
Mac: Right?
Dennis: That's not how you see yourself, though...
Mac: That's funny.
Dennis: That is funny.
Mac: That's funny.
Dennis: Yeah, people are gonna laugh at that.
Mac: But that's just a setup.
Dennis: What is it?
Mac: For this. Ding-ding-ding!
Dennis: Oh, it's a baby dick!
Mac: Yeah. We're gonna sell a million of these.
Dennis: We are gonna sell a million of those, dude.
Mac: We'll do black ones and yellow ones, for the Asians.
Dennis: Yeah, that...
Mac: This is probably more Asian than anything else.
Dennis: Dude, yeah, oh my gosh.
Mac: Maybe a little bit more bush.
Dennis: Well, you know what we should do? We should set up a website for it.
Mac: Already did it.
Dennis: What? You did?
Mac: Dick towel dot com.

Dennis: I'll tell you what buddy, I can help you out. I'm gonna toss a frame-bang your way. Here's how that works: I slip into your house one night while your wife is sleeping.. and I ease into her real nice. That way you're both cheating on each other and she can't clean you out.

Dennis: You bet your ass I'm wearing women's underwear!

Charlie: We're both men of the law. You know. We get after it. You know, we jabber jaw, we go tit for tat. We have our little differences. But at the end of the day, you win some, I win some, and there's a mutual respect left over between us.

Charlie: I'll just regress, because I feel I've made myself perfectly redundant.

Charlie: Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there’s no answer? You’re so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittons. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats…. I couldn’t hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn’t matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittons! You’ll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy’s Pub. We’re the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittons. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!

Mac: Two guns! Six boobs! We're all on the same team!

Charlie: Guess who just found some investors for kitten mittens?
Dee: I told you, people love stupid shit!
Charlie: Why do you keep calling it stupid, though?
Dee: It's really stupid. But people are stupid too, so...

Mac and Dennis Break Up [5.09][edit]

Dennis: Oh,do me a favor. Peel this apple for me please.
Dee: No, no I'm not gonna peel an apple for you.
Dennis: But Mac always does it for me.
Dee: Why does Mac peel apples for you?
Dennis: He doesn't like for me to eat the apple with the skin on it. He said the skin is loaded with toxins.
Dee: Okay, well good news Mac's not here.
Dennis: I know he's not here and that's why I need you to do it for me please, please.
Dee: Ah! Jesus just eat it with the skin on.
Dennis: [panicking] I do not like it with the skin Dee! I'm not allowed to eat it with the skin, I'm not allowed!
Dee: Oh my god alright if you just shut up I will peel the apple for you the way Mac likes you to eat it. Give it to me, give it to me. I'll do it the way Mac insists, okay?

Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Okay, now you're talking my language. I know this game.

Dennis: Heyo!
Mac: Yo, where you been?
Dennis: What do you mean? I was getting the movie.
Mac: Yeah, but you weren't answering any of my calls. I've been, I've been calling you sort of over and over again.
Dennis: I was having a conversation with the video store clerk.
Mac: Yeah, but I texted you 911, dude. That means it's an emergency.
Dennis: Yeah, I saw that. What was the emergency, Mac?
Mac: Well, I couldn't get in touch with you, dude. I almost called the police.
Dennis: The police? That's a bit of an overreaction. I was gone for what, an hour?
Mac: Yeah, but I thought we had a deal. You know, you would check in every once in a while and then that way I would know that you were okay.
Dennis: Okay, I'm okay. Uh, I'm sorry, can we watch the movie?
Mac: Yeah, great, sure. The Transporter 2 ?
Dennis: Yeah, I, look, man, I... , I know you wanted to see Predator again but I feel like we've seen that 30 times in the last two months and thought maybe we could mix things up. Video store clerk guy said this movie is awesome, so...
Mac: The video store clerk guy. I feel like you won't stop talking about him.
Dennis: I asked him for a movie recommendation, okay?
Mac: Yeah, you got one.
Dennis: It's really not that big of a deal.
Mac: Well, the big deal, Dennis, is that I wasn't even consulted on the decision, okay? And this is a big deal to me, as well. It's also my night. Plus, Transporter 2? We haven't seen Transporter 1 which means we'll be completely lost... Plus, Jason Statham's physique is nothing like the line-up in Predator.
Dennis: Okay, will you stop? I don't want to have conversations anymore about dudes' physiques and whether they can...
Mac: Dennis, in body mass alone...
Dennis: That's what I was trying to avoid. A conversation about body mass, okay? We've had that conversation five times a day for the last month because we keep watching Predator and all you talk about is Weathers and Jesse "The Body" Ventura and how many pounds they can pack on...
Mac: It's important to pack on mass. You're talking about carbo-loading.
Dennis: I don't want to, I don't want to have this conversation with you anymore.
Mac: No, you'd rather have conversations with video store clerks.
Dennis: You know what, man, if you don't wanna watch the movie with me, that's fine. I will watch it by myself. Goddamn it!
Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, where is this coming from?
Dennis: I have been thinking a lot about what Dee said and I do think... maybe we are spending a little bit too much time together.

Dee: Whoa, there are a lot of cats in this wall.
Charlie: Yeah, I put a lot of cats in that wall.

Dennis: Hey, you want a skinless apple, bud?
Charlie: Yuuuuup.

The D.E.N.N.I.S. System [5.10][edit]

(Dennis is walking through the fair while pushing an old lady in a wheelchair.)
Gladys: What's happening?
Dennis: Well, Gladys, we are at a fair, and you're going to pretend to be my grandmother.
Gladys: My grandmother had an affair with Susan B. Anthony.

Frank: See, I would have gone in and bought a box of magnum condoms, thus demonstrating I have a monster dong.
Dennis: Right, that comes off a little bit desperate, Frank.

Frank: I got my magnum condoms and a wad of hundreds; I'm ready to plow!

Dennis: You mean to tell me you got you face painted like a god damn frog person with no ulterior motive?
Ben: I'm a lizard!

Frank: The name's Mantis, Mantis Toboggan, M.D

Dennis: D: Demonstrate Value
Dennis: E: Engage Physically
Dennis: N: Nurture Dependence
Dennis: N: Neglect Emotionally
Dennis: I: Inspire Hope
Dennis: S: Separate Entirely

Dennis: What are you doing here?
Mac: Oh, I'm doing the MAC.
Dennis: The MAC?
Mac: Yeah, The MAC: Move in After Completion.

Frank: Oh whoops, ooh! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!

Dee: You stabbed me! You stabbed me with a key! Why would you do that, you idiot?! I was flirting with you!
Carny (pointing to Charlie):That guy paid me to.
Charlie (pointing to Dee): You weren't supposed to stab her! (Pointing to the Waitress) You were supposed to stab her!
The Waitress (shocked): What? You were going to have me stabbed?!
Charlie (annoyed): I was going to protect you from the stabbing!
Dennis: Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! WRONG! You're supposed to let her get stabbed, hope that it hits a main artery, and as she's dying, you nurse her back to health--thereby making her totally dependent on you!! See, this is why nobody should be going off my system!

Mac and Charlie Write a Movie [5.11][edit]

Charlie: What if he can smell crime??
Mac: ...what if he smells crime?
Charlie: Dude dude dude dude dude dude dude! What if he can smell crime before it even happens?
Mac: Holy shit dude, that's amazing! Smells crime before it even happens! Yes, dude!
Charlie: WHAT IF HIS ENTIRE HEAD IS JUST ONE BIG NOSE! Write that down, I like that.
Mac: (Disappointed and looking down) Ah, shit....

Dennis: And then he smells crime again, he's out busting heads. Then he's back to the lab for some more full penetration. Smells crime. Back to the lab, full penetration. Crime. Penetration. Crime. Full penetration. Crime. Penetration. And this goes on and on and back and forth for 90 or so minutes until the movie just sort of ends.
(pause for 7 seconds whilst Dennis seeks comments from the gang)
Frank: That is brilliant, that is the most brilliant movie I've ever heard in my life!
Charlie: I think the audience is gonna be very uncomfortable seeing Dolph Lundgren's naked penis going in to this young girl that you're talking about.
Dennis: Yeah, just to be clear though, I don't care either way.

The Gang Reignites the Rivalry [5.12][edit]

Frank: Snortski...Oooohhhhhh!

Frank: I'm doing this jerk-off's taxes. Next year, the IRS will audit the piss out of him!

Frank: Look how loose his jeans are!!

Charlie: I never thought I'd ever say this in my life, but it's weird sleeping without a cat in my bed

Dennis: We totally poisoned your asses!

Frank: How do kids study on this god damn ritterall? I can't stop grinding my teeth

Charlie: I'll pull a Good Will Hunting. (To the frat boys) What's your major dude?
Frat Boy: Economics
Charlie: (In Boston accent) Oh, I bet you read a lotta Gordon Wood, huh? You read your Gordon Wood and you regurgitate it from a textbook and you think you're wicked awesome doin' that, And how 'bout 'dem apples? And all that Gordon Wood business.
Frat Boy: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Other Frat Boy: You are an idiot.
Mac: You are an idiot.
Charlie: Does no one know who Gordon Wood is?

Dennis: Yeah, we both got punked, Frank. We both got punked. These kids these days, I'll tell you what, they're nothing like we used to be back when we were in fraternities. They have no respect for anybody. Okay? They're like-they're like stupid little goddamn savages. I mean, I came in there, right, and I was polite and I was nice to them. I was cordial. And thecharlie, kitten mittens, it's always sunny in philadelphiay completely goddamn disrespected me, little IDIOTS! IDIOTS! I was completely respectful. They're supposed to be my brothers, right? They're my brothers? Nooo, no. That's not fun. What they were doing wasn't fun. They kept zapping us, and zapping us! IDIOTS! SAVAGES! IDIOTS! IDIOTS!

A Very Sunny Christmas [5.13][edit]

Mac: Based off the story you just told me Charlie.......I believe those Santas were running a train on your mom.....based off that story you just told me.

Dennis: You know guys, I think this means that we've been relying on our parents too much, and we need to stick together and make our own Christmas good!
Mac: Dude you're right! Listen I got something to do, but we're gonna do it together!

(Gang walks out of hospital room)

Frank: Well what about me?

Charlie: ...Did you fuck my mom?
Santa: Uhh..
Charlie: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?
Mac: Charlie what the hell?

Season 6[edit]

Mac Fights Gay Marriage [6.01][edit]

Mac: Where's our bible?
Dee: Seriously..
Mac: Where is our God damn bible?!
Frank: This is a bar!

Mac: Guys! Guys! Guys! I'VE GOT NEWS! I've got HUGE news! So I went down to the gym this morning, right. I was all amped up, cuz' Charlie and I found found a bunch of nuts. I was SO full Protein. Okay. I went to get my pump on, but I couldn't get my pump on. Now, I know what you are thinking, clearly I did get my pump on but that's just because I did a bunch of push-ups outside also why I am out of breath.

Mac: Oh Oh Oh! Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of the sudden. Marriage is about procreation okay. This is gay marriage! That's two dudes bangin each other! What do ya get from that? Nothin! Nothin!

Frank: What the shit are you talking about!?!?

Mac: Why are you jamming me up, bro?
Gym Manager: I'm not trying to jam you up, I just don't believe you.
Mac: What is not to believe? I'm absolutely Dennis Reynolds.
Gym Manager: This picture looks nothing like you.
Mac: Well, thank you, cause I've actually packed on about fifteen to twenty pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken. It's actually a testament to your gym.

Nick: So what you're sayin' is you gonna whup my black ass with a rod, and as long as I get up in a few days, we all good?

Dennis Gets Divorced [6.02][edit]

Uncle Jack: Now this guy seems to think you don't have a case...and I'm inclined to agree with him!

Uncle Jack: Hey Mac, do you mind snapping a photo of us for the website? Now, and could you just put your hands over my hands, so they look like my hands?

The Gang Buys a Boat [6.03][edit]

Dennis: The whole purpose of buying the boat in the first place was to get the ladies nice and tipsy top side, so we can take them to a nice comfortable place below deck, and you know, they can't refuse...because of the implication.
Mac: Okay you had me goin' there for the first half. The second half kinda threw me.
Dennis: Well dude, think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but open ocean. "Ah there's nowhere for me to run! What am I gonna do, say no?"
Mac: Okay. That seems really dark.
Dennis: It's not dark, you're misunderstanding me, bro.
Mac: I think I am.
Dennis: Yeah, you are. Because if the girl said 'no', then the answer is obviously 'no'. But the thing is she is not gonna say no. She would never say 'no', because of the implication.
Mac: Okay, now that's the second time you've said that word, what implication?
Dennis: The implication that things might go wrong for her if she refuses to sleep with me. Not that things are gonna go wrong for her, but she's thinking that they will.
Mac: ... But it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you..
Dennis: Why aren't you understanding this?

Mac: Let's talk needs first. Now I have the need for speed. It's very important, it's inherent, there is nothing I can do about it. So speed is a must.
Dennis: Absolutely, but we are also looking to entertain guests on this boat.
Mac: Yeah, we're gonna throw some P-Diddy style parties up on the deck.
Charlie: Can we talk shrimp for a minute. I'd like the boat to be able to haul in a tremendous amount of shrimp. Sort of a Forrest Gump amount of shrimp.
Mac: You should be writing this down.
Dennis: Why are you not writing this down?
Boat Salesman: Let me just see if i have this right here. Correct me if I'm wrong. It seems like what you guys are looking for P. Diddy style of shrimping vessel.
Charlie: You're a really good listener and I didn't peg you for one when we came in here because of the pinky ring.

Charlie: (Concerned) What the hell happened down there; some kind of horse massacre?

Frank: Anyone want any more catfish?
Charlie: Yo dude. Definitely give me another one of those. They're delicious. And you can taste that sort of endangered tang...

Mac: Hey bro, how'd you lose your hand?
Sailor: Diabetes.
Mac: That's not much of an adventure is it? Kind of tragic.

Mac's Big Break [6.04][edit]

Charlie: You keep on using this word "jabroni" and... it's awesome.

Radio host: Please don't curse.
Mac: You can't censor me bro, I'm kind of a bad ass.

Radio host: "Reggie Leech" is... the correct answer!

Mac: We are not men who get a lot of opportunities, and the ones we've had we've squandered.
Charlie: We've squandered them all.

Dennis: So, uh, Dennis and Dee Reynolds here, we are talking about the homeless issue here in Philly, that's a big issue these days and we're here with our friend Cricket, he is a homeless man. Cricket, walk us through a day in your life.
Rickety Cricket: A day in the life-- well, the other morning, I wake up and I find a dog sniffin' at my wound. He's fully aroused - mind you - so I'm thinking "oh great, what does this jerk want?" Of course I know what he wants, he's looking at me right in the eyes, he does not have to say it - not that he could. [Starts sucking on a lemon] Urrggghhhh that is- that is tart! That is really tart. I mean does my scar look like a dog's vagina? You know, maybe, I don't know, I'm not going to sit here and try to get inside the mind of a dog! I mean that's God's work. Well, not that I believe in God, I don't. Not since that chinaman stole my kidney.

The Waitress: I am not leaving here until you apologize to me.
Dennis: Yeah, well, you're going to be here for a while.
Frank: I'll give you fifty bucks if you take your top off... and drink soup out of my shoe.

Mac and Charlie: White Trash [6.05][edit]

Dennis: I have a proposition too. Why don't you walk in front of me so I don't get your blood all over my feet?

Dee: I bet you don't even have any black people here.
Pool Guy: Excuse me, ma'am, but there's an African American family right there.
Dee: Well good for you. You keep a couple token ones around. Do you parade them around like a couple dancing monkeys?

Mac: Stride, stride, execute!

Mac's Mom Burns Her House Down [6.06][edit]

Mrs. Mac: They ain't American, I don't want to know them.
Mrs. Kelly: I know. I wish they'd all go back to the desert.
Mac: It does seem like they're bonding.
Charlie: It's not really a Golden Girls type conversation, it's a racist conversation.

Mac: Mom was a manager of Jiffy Lube for many years.
Charle: I never heard about this.
Mac: Well, she doesn't like to brag. She started her way at the bottom and worked her way to the tippidy top.
Charlie: There's only three people at Jiffy Lube so it's not exactly a high climb.

Who Got Dee Pregnant? [6.07][edit]

Frank: We're trying to piece a night together and we need your help.
Artemis: I don't remember that night.
Frank: I didn't tell you which night yet.
Artemis: I don't remember most evenings.

Dee: Just so I'm clear, you don't actually think things are going to come alive because you're spending the night in museum, right?

Dee: I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!

Dennis: It's fatness, plain and simple. It's a person becoming fat before your very eyes.
Charlie: And I don't even know how to make the bird jokes anymore. They no longer apply.
Dee: I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!
Mac: I feel like you say that all the time now.
Frank: You better do yourself a favor and flush it out.
Charlie: Wait a second, you definitely said that before.
Mac: Since we're all saying things we say all the time. I'll just reiterate. Dee, we don't care about you, or your body, or that baby bird.

Mac: I browned out that evening.
Frank: Browned out? What's browned out?
Mac: It's when you drink so much that everything goes brown. It's not as severe as a black out because I remember bits and pieces. I call it browning out.

Dennis: You are dressed like the Phantom of the Opera. He's not a vampire.
Charlie: He eats theater people.
Dennis: No, he doesn't.
Mac: I think he might.
Frank: He does.
Dennis: Do you even know who the Phantom of the Opera is?
Mac: He might not.
Frank: He doesn't.
Charlie: I don't.

The Gang Gets a New Member [6.08][edit]

Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume?
Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me so I was sort of hoping the photograph of Mr. Jenner could represent the standard of excellence I'm hoping to bring to this position.

Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth [6.09][edit]

Mac: A lot of great actors have done blackface.
Dennis: There's countless examples of very classy actors doing black face. We got the great C. Thomas Howell in Soul Man. We got the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. That was a very tasteful example of reverse blackface.

Charlie: Principal McIntyre, I recently started mentoring one of the kids here.
Principal McIntyre: Really? That's odd, because you're a janitor.

Frank: You gotta do the lips funny!

Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats [6.10][edit]

Dee: You've been really stressed so I thought I'd take you to a spa day. Just the two of us.
Charlie: A what day?
Dee: Spa day.
Charlie: What is this word, spa? I feel like you're starting to a say a word and you're not finishing it. Spaghetti? Are you taking me to a spaghetti day?

Charlie: oh my god i just found a rats nest slaughtered about 200 of them. It's like whole generations of those things have died at my hands. Mothers, fathers, grandfathers, little baby rats.
Dee: Well, you know, keep up the good work.
Charlie: Sometimes, I wonder though, if our lives are really more valuable than theirs. You know what I mean?
Dennis: Yeah they are. Our lives definitely are without a doubt.

Charlie: What does 3D even stand for?
Dee: 3rd Dimension. Just... shh. Please stop talking.
Charlie: 3rd Dimen... (chuckles) What dimension are we in?
Dee: Shh, Charlie. I don't know. Shh.
Charlie: Isn't stuff... like... suppossed to pop out at us?
Dee: I don't know. I'm not sure. Let's watch and find out.

[bird screeching]

Charlie: Wow. Did you see that?
Dee: Yeah, yeah. I saw that.
Charlie: That came like right at you. Is this safe?

Charlie (eating spaghetti out of a zip-loc bag): What's your spaghetti policy?

The Gang Gets Stranded in the Woods [6.11][edit]

Charlie: Are you wearing makeup?
Dennis: I'm always wearing a little bit of foundation but that's not the point.

Frank: Animals should be food, rugs and trophies. Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?
Dee: That's leather? I thought it was plastic.
Frank: Who the hell wears a plastic suit?
Dee: I just don't question the things you do anymore.

Dennis: That's all our money!
Charlie: No, it's all my money. You lost your money when you said no to the trucker.

Charlie: If animals have taught me anything, it's that you can easily die and very quickly under a bus and on the side of the road.

Charlie: This is for the rats!

Dee Gives Birth [6.12][edit]

Dee: This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks.

Dennis: Without the sunglasses, Weekend at Bernie's would have been a very dark, strange tale.

Mac: Parenting is pretending you know what you're talking about, then jamming it down their throat!

Dennis: If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible, then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor! THE THUNDER OF MY VENGEANCE WILL ECHO THROUGH THESE CORRIDORS LIKE THE GUST OF A THOUSAND WINDS!"

Season 7[edit]

Frank's Pretty Woman [7.1][edit]

Frank: Roxy, you are good shit and I want to make this legit. I'm still gonna pay you - but I want you to stop banging other guys. What do you say? You wanna be my wife or what?

[To Roxy's Corpse]

Frank: Roxy, God Bless you. You were a good whore, you serviced me like no other whore ever did; not only my crank, but my heart - and I'm gonna miss you. AMEN.

Frank: I love eggs, Charlie. And I love crabs. And I love boiling denim and banging whores. And I don't care if anyone doesn't like that about me, they don't have to stick around.

Dennis: You look fat as shit! I'm getting very concerned with the integrity of our organization here. Mac, you have gained 50 pounds of fat.”
Mac: “Mass.”
Dennis: “Fat.”
Mac: “Muscle.”
Dennis: Let's be clear. Fat.”

Mac: “People change, Frank. Look at me: I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you.”

Mac: “But I'm healthy besides the diabitis.
Doctor: “Um, no.
Mac: “But I'm more healthier than he is, is the point I think you're trying to make, even with the diabitis.
Dennis: Dude, stop saying "diabitis"! You sound like an ass...

Charlie: “The other day we were hanging out under the bridge, we found a box of denim, and I'm like "these look like good jeans in here," and (Frank)'s like "Wanna split them with me 50/50?" That's a nice thing to do.”

The Gang goes to Jersey Shore [7.2][edit]

Charlie: "Yeah, me too. I would love to go on a vacation."
Mac: "Yeah but not to the Jersey Shore though. That place sounds like a nightmare."
Dennis:" What's wrong with the Jersey Shore?"
Mac: "Come on, you've seen that TV show. It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases."

Charlie: Hoooooolllllyyyy Shhhittt! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah buddy that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe.
Charlie: Now how long would it take....
Dennis: Do not try to swim to Europe.
Charlie: Don't swim to Europe.

Mac: Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze!
Frank: This is Ham... *soaked* in Rum. It's Loaded with booze.
Mac: Goddamn it Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!

Frank: Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.
Mac: Wouldn't you say we're getting... Hammered?

Mac: "As a man who works very hard to maintain a certain level of physical excellence... I find shortcuts insulting. Now give me a piece of ham now!"

(Charlie, Dennis and Sweet Dee have just run into two homeless men having anal sex under the boardwalk, just as Dennis has been telling Charlie about the romanticism of the Boardwalk.)

Charlie (disgusted): NO! NO! NO! NO! WHAT WAS THAT?!
Dennis: A couple of homeless guys banging each other!
Charlie: I know that, but why?! That's not magical! That's not romantic!

Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties [7.3][edit]

Frank: We gotta write a song about how we do not diddle kids! (singing) "Do not diddle kids! It's no good diddling kids!"
Mac (annoyed): There is no quicker way for people to think that you're diddling kids than by writing a song about it!
Frank: You gotta write a song like:

I wouldn't do it with anyone younger than my daughter, no little kids, gotta be big, older than my wife, older than my wife, something like that... (Charlie looks at Mac, as if to say, "Should I? 'Cause I have an idea...")

Mac (annoyed): Don't write a song about that.

Frank: Do I look suspicious?

How Mac Got Fat [7.10][edit]

Frank:Hey Charlie you asleep? Charlie are you asleep?
Charlie: No. NO.

(whiny and tired)

Frank: I got a great idea.

(tapping Charlie rapidly on the shoulder)

Charlie: I don't want to hear it. Frank I'm a successful man now. Okay? I need to maintain a certain level of excellence, so i can't have you like telling me terrible idea all night because that brings me off me excellence. Okay?
Frank: Okay, but this is a great idea. We take, we take the M-80s that i have and we stick 'em in some lamb, and then PATCHYA! We blow it up.
Charlie: What are you looking to do like flash cook a, a gyro sandwich?
Frank: Yeah. That's a good idea. Flash cook a sandwich.
Charlie: Oh my god
Frank: Cook the meat immediately.
Charlie: I mean what you're talking about is just a meat bomb and that's just a waist of a good lamb so if your done coming up with good terrible ideas, um I'm gonna go back to bed.
Frank: A meat bomb! You you you blow it up!


The High School Reunion Part 2: The Gang's Revenge [7.13][edit]

Charlie: Do you remember Psycho Pete?
Ingrid: Unfortunately, yes.
Charlie: Any word on if he's coming tonight or...
Ingrid: Well, I hope not. He's the reason we have extra security. He threatened to burn down the building.
Charlie: Ha, that's...
Mac: He was probably just joking.
Charlie: That's his sense of humor.
Mac: He has a very dark sense of humor.
Charlie: You gotta lighten up around Pete.
Ingrid: Was he joking when he cut his family into little pieces and ate them for Christmas dinner?
Charlie: [pause] That doesn't sound like a joke.
Mac: Did that really happen?
Charlie: Yeah, that sounds much more serious.

Dennis: I want to be inside you. I want to do shit to you that is gonna make you realize what a boring, worthless, piece-of-shit your husband really is.
Christie: Wait a second, I'm confused. Why would you want to have sex with me?
Dennis: Why the hell wouldn't I wanna have sex with you? I mean, bam, bam, boom.
Christie: Because you're gay.
Dennis: What?! I'm not gay.
Christie: Dude, you're wearing makeup.
Dennis: Yeah, I'm wearing a little bit of makeup. Who doesn't...
Christie: And a girdle.
Dennis: Yeah, I wanted to seem thin for the occasion. That's not weird.
Christie: You've also been gossiping with me for the last twenty minutes.
Dennis: I was speeding through the steps. I have the system that... I was demonstrating value on the dance floor, and then I engaged you physically when I put my hands on your hips. Now I'm nurturing your dependence by letting you talk shit about your boring, worthless, piece-of-shit husband. Then I was gonna take you into an empty broom closet and I was gonna bang the shit out of you. And then I was gonna neglect you emotionally. That's what I do, Christie. And it was working. I was manipulating your feeble little brain into doing what I want. What I want. And then now it's what you want.
Christie: [getting away] Ew!
Dennis: "Ew," okay, yeah, well, your husband is a liar, how about that, Christie? Yeah, stay with a liar! And a deceiver! [talking to everyone, or no one in particular] Yeah, Tim does not deserve to be the king of the mountaintop! I am the king of the mountaintop! I reign supreme over everyone in this school. I am the golden god of this place. I reign supreme! I! I!

Dennis: Oh-ho-ho, you just couldn't stand it, could you? You couldn't stand Dennis Reynolds...reigning on high! King of all the school! Master of everybody! You couldn't stand it, so you had to turn everybody against me.
Tim Murphy: Dude, listen to yourself. Nobody turned anybody against you. You were never really that cool to begin with.
Adriano: Seriously, man. You would just come around saying weird shit about being a golden god or some other insane crap. And referring to all of us as your minions.
Tim: You always acted like you were better than everybody else, but then you'd just go and you'd hang out with Ronnie the Rat or Dirtgrub under the bleachers or behind a Dumpster or something. It was really weird.
Dennis: Okay. Well, if I wasn't the coolest guy in the school, then why did you have to try to tear me down by sleeping with my prom date?
Tim: I didn't sleep with your prom date.
Dennis: YES YOU DID!
Tim: No, I didn't. [points to Mac] Ronnie the Rat did.
Dennis: Wait, what?
Tim: Ronald McDonald slept with your prom date. Did he tell you I slept with her? I never would've slept with that chick. She was gross.

Waitress: [drunk] Hey, hey, hey. Great dance, assholes. You know what? Just like you low-life shits, I didn't get invited to the after party either, but whatever. I'm just gonna have sex with somebody to feel better about myself. I'm gonna bang the next person who talks to me. So who's it gonna be?
[Just before Charlie can say anything, in comes...]
Schmitty: How you doing, fellas? Having fun?
Charlie: Schmitty, excuse me...
Schmitty: Did I miss the festivities? What are we doing here? [turns around and sees the Waitress] Hey, how are you.
Waitress: Do you wanna have sex with me?
Schmitty: Yes, I do.
'Waitress: Well, there you go.
Schmitty: See you, guys. [points to Dee in her brace as he walks off with the Waitress] Monster. Where do you wanna go? You got a car?
Waitress: I don't know.
Schmitty: We'll use mine, come on.
Charlie: Schmitty.
Mac: Let's go back to the bar.
Dee: Yeah.
Frank: Let's go, Charlie.
Charlie: Schmitty just...
Mac: Swooped in and grabbed the most disgusting girl here.