It Takes Two (1995 film)

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It Takes Two is a 1995 film starring Steve Guttenberg, Kirstie Alley, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.


Harry Jr.: We've been looking for you, Your Highness.
[he kneels to Alyssa and presents her with a makeshift crown made out of an old can]
Alyssa: [annoyed] Leave me alone.
Brenda: But, Your Majesty, we brought you something.
Billy: Yeah. Something to make you feel more at home.
[he has a plunger in his hand as a makeshift scepter]

[Alyssa sits on a pile of scrap with her makeshift crown, cape, and scepter]
Billy: Here's your royal throne, "Alyssa Callaway"!
[the other kids laugh]
Billy: Hail Betty, Queen of the scrap heap!
All Butkis Kids: Hail Betty!
[they kneel before Alyssa]
Alyssa: But my name's Alyssa Callaway!
Harry: Yeah, right. And I'm Princess Di.

Amanda: [as Alyssa] Ladies and gentlemen, normally i'd be tickled to play a selection from... [briefly looks at the music book: "Frederic Chopin- Eight Pieces for the Piano"] ...Chopin, but in honor of my new stepmother, whom I absolutely adore, I decided to play a little something of my own.

Diane: [to the main office of child services on the phone] Let me just run this by you one more time, okay? Please, just hear me out, one more time. Okay. I know I don't make that much money, and I know that I'm a little bit single, but I want to adopt Amanda. [hears laughter on the other end] No, I... Are you laughing at me? [to Patty] He's laughing at me! [to phone] You... YOU STUPID JERK! [hangs up in fury]

Clarice: This is all YOUR fault!
[she is about to slap Amanda (posing as Alyssa) but is stopped by Vincenzo]
Vincenzo: [furiously] Lady, if you touch that child, I'll POP you one, so help me God!
[Clarice storms off and sees the real Alyssa, then Amanda, and she does a double take]
Clarice: Oh, my God! There's two of them! It's a conspiracy! [laughs and smiles] Well, at least I'll get to hit one of you.
[she reaches over to slap Alyssa, but Diane stops her]
Diane: HEY! Back off, "Barbie". And by the way, you have a little, tiny bit of something right here on your teeth.
[she points to Clarice having lipstick on her teeth]
Clarice: I have never been more humiliated in my LIFE!
[she heads out the door, when...]
Alyssa: Wanna bet?
[she steps on Clarice's wedding gown, and reveals her underpants in front of everybody in the church, making them all laugh]
Clarice: Oh, my God! [shrieks] Daddy! [runs out in humiliation] Oh, my God!

[Diane storms into the office after after Alyssa, as Amanda, was "adopted" by the Butkises]
Diane: You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!
Jerry: They had the paperwork!
Diane: What paperwork?!
Patty: [hands Diane the paperwork] We couldn't find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?!
Diane: I would have! [drops the paperwork] I'm takin' the Jeep! [takes the keys to the Jeep]
Jerry: Hey, that's the camp's!
Diane: [furiously] Oh, don't you even...! [storms off]

Alyssa: [to Amanda] Told ya, third time's the charm.
Roger: W-wait a minute. All of this? This was your doing?
[both Amanda and Alyssa nod their heads in unison]
Diane: Oh, it WAS, was it?
[the girls nod their heads in unison again]
Roger: Well, ladies, what do you have to say for yourselves?
Amanda and Alyssa: So kiss already!

[after the macaroni spills on Roger's head, Diane laughs and snorts as quietly as she can]
Roger: Excuse me, ma'am. Did you just snort?
[Diane shakes her head, snorts, and laughs again]
Roger: I suppose you think this us funny? [picks up a butterknife w/a bit of butter on it] Well, maybe you'll get a little chuckle outta this.
Diane: You wouldn't dare.
[Roger flings the butter on her; Diane yelps]
Diane: FOOD FIGHT!!!
[a food fight breaks out]

[Roger and Vincenzo watch Amanda as Alyssa banging on the piano keys at the engagement party]
Roger: You think maybe my daughter's asking for a little attention?
Vincenzo: I'd say she's demandin' it.
[Amanda bangs the final notes]
Roger: Hmm.

[Alyssa and Diane arrive at the front steps of the church]
Alyssa: Aren't you coming?!
Diane: [stammers] Uh, no, I think I'm just gonna wait for Amanda out here.
Alyssa: Diane Barrows! Get your butt up here this... instant!
Diane: Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll just stand in the back and take a little look-see.

[Diane and Alyssa spot a horse-drawn carriage, and Alyssa gets on]
Diane: Oh, no. NOT another horse!
Alyssa: Diane, come on!
Diane: All right.
[she gets into the carriage]
Diane: Where is the driver?
[she notices that the driver is at the hot dog stand, eating hot dogs]
Diane: Oh! Hey, Buddy! Listen, you gotta take us to St. Bart's right away! It's an emergency!
Driver: [mouthful] We're closed, Miss. I'm on my break!
[Diane turns to Alyssa, and makes a gesture telling her to get in the driver's seat and take the reins, both of which Alyssa does, and Diane gets in the passenger seat and turns angrily to the driver]
Diane: I wanna thank you for all your help, Bud!
Alyssa: [whips the reins] HYAH!
[the horse runs off, pulling the carriage, but Diane falls backwards into the seat]
[The driver notices and runs after his horse]
Driver: [still mouthful] Hey. Hey, lady! Hey, that's...
[he spits]
Driver: [screams clearly] THAT'S MY HORSE!!!!!

Vincenzo: Miss Kensington says "fashionably late" was an hour ago. What seems to be the problem?
Carlo: I'm a hairdresser. Not a zookeeper.

Roger: I made my money the old fashion way - pure dumb luck.

Clarice: Where the hell is everybody? Vincenzo!
[Amanda and Vincenzo have heard the whole thing]
Vincenzo: I sure hope you got a plan.

Amanda: [as Alyssa, after eating escargot] All this money, and these people eat slugs?!

[the helicopter flies across New York City, on the way to St. Bart's]
Alyssa: We'll never make it! We only have 10 minutes!
Diane: So, Lou!
Lou: Yeah?
Diane: How close can you land this thing to the church?
Lou: Central Park close enough?
Diane: Central Park? The Central Park? That'll do.

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