Roy: Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?
Ishmael: God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.
Roy: Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a clue what it is. It's round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.
Ishmael: [He points his finger into Roy's face] You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!
Roy: I'm talking about bowling! Your future!
Ishmael: [On smoking] You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson. They say it's bad for your heart, your lungs. It quickens the aging process.
Roy: Is that right? Who's done more research on the subject than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say it's harmless. Why would they lie? If you're dead, you can't smoke.
Ishmael: I don't drink coffee.
Roy: Why not?
Ishmael: Because it's a stimulant.
Roy: What the hell do you think cigarettes are?
Ishmael: They are?
Ishmael: All right, make it an extra large, two sugars, lots of cream. Lots of cream.
Roy: Morning! I hope you don't mind; I got up a little early so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you. It took a little while to get her warmed up-she sure is a stubborn one! [takes a drink from the bucket]
Mr. Boorg: We don't have a cow. We have a bull.
Roy: I'll brush my teeth.
Mike: Can you get sick from drinking piss?
Roy: Yeah, I think you can.
Mike: Even if it's your own?
1979 Waitress: Tanqueray and Tab.
Ernie McCracken: Keep 'em comin', sweets, I got a long drive. Do me a favor, will you? Would you mind washing off that perfume before you come back to our table?
Roy: Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary.
Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.
Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?
[Roy Munson is getting ready for his turn to bowl]
Ernie McCracken: It all comes down to this roll. Roy Munson, a man-child, with a dream to topple bowling giant Ernie McCracken. If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters Champion. He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker. Believe me, as a bowler, I know that right about now, your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag and your butt is kinda like an about-to-explode bratwurst.
Roy: Hey. Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.
Ernie McCracken: Was I talking out loud? Was I? Sorry. Good luck.
[McCracken is throwing his final shot and does an awkward approach.]]
Chris Schenkel: Look at that form! Left arm, way out there.