Source: Kyle Cease, "Comedy Central Presents..." and "Weirder. Blacker. Dimpler"
I hate people at Halloween they don’t carve their pumpkin out, they’ll just like paint a face on it; you know what I’m talking about? But some people won’t even do that, they’ll paint a face, but it won’t even be on a pumpkin, it’ll be like on a piece of paper. But some people won’t even do that, they’ll take like a bunch of words and put that on a piece of paper, and it’ll be like an essay on Ben Franklin or some shit, you know? And then they’ll hand it in at school and it won’t even be Halloween! It’s like, pffft, nice jack-o-lantern, jackass!
Every Sunny Delight commercial is exactly the same, three guys in the back yard, and one of them is like, “What do you got to drink in the fridge!?” Like so excited about the crappy fridge, and then they go to the fridge and its like, “Well, we’ve got some soda, some purple stuff, SUNNY D!!!” It was always there, behind Brand-X soda and some purple crap, that they couldn’t even identify. Of course you’re going to pick Sunny D, that doesn’t mean it’s a good drink you guys. If you came to my house and you’re like “What do you got to drink?!” and I’m like “Well, we’ve got some ketchup, some gravy, my grandma’s piss, SUNNY D!!!” You’d be like, “Is there any lead in your water, because I hate all four of those.” That should’ve been their slogan, “Sunny D, for when your choices are even worse than Sunny D.” Sunny D tasted a little bit like a fat clown’s asshole, didn’t it? Who came up with Sunny D and was happy? Some guy was like “I like the taste of orange juice AND baby medicine, can we combine that?” That would taste like shizzie nizzie, that’s rap for shit.
The best part of Nintendo was the codes. We had codes that got us to the end of the game immediately. Why can’t we have that in real life? Just for once I’d like to be on a date with a chick and when she starts talking about her cats, and she’s like “And this cat likes corn, and this one has diarrhea, and this one can fight crime,” I can be like, “Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, select start, and I’m in bed with her, and no more cats.”
So it’s so nice to perform in an actual city, usually I do a lot of colleges on the road and it’s crazy. They always put these colleges in the middle of nowhere, do you notice that? They always put the colleges in the middle of nowhere and they tell these kids, “Don’t drink and don’t do drugs and don’t have sex”, and they make it so they have to, it’s like your choices are Wal-Mart or Susie and it’s like “Mmmm, well, both are always open.” Like a vagina, like a vagina.
This country’s split right now. I think if you’re a Republican, well, you’re wrong. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I own like four Republicans in case three break down. But I think if you’re a Republican, that’s awesome; if you’re a Democrat, that’s awesome. I just think we need to vote. We need to vote a lot. My favorite thing to vote on are the initiatives, you know the propositions, where you’ll see an argument for one side and you’ll think thats a good point, and then you’ll see the argument for the other side, and you’ll think thats a good point too, and you don’t know which way to vote. I think we need a few that it’s just obvious which way to vote, right off the bat. Like wouldn’t it be cool if it was like proposition ninety-seven: Should we continue to not eat babies. Right there you’d be like, “Hell yeah, I don’t wanna eat babies, you know, I don’t have time, they’re not delicious, and it would be eating babies and that’s weird to me,” so there’s three reasons that I come up with to voting no. But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don’t know which way you’re voting, cause it’s like, “Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day” and you’re just sitting there like “Fuck! I don’t wanna eat babies! You know?! I don’t have time, they’re not delicious, remember my reasons, I had like three.” So you vote no on it and then it’s on the news the next day, “Well, 74% of Americans have decided it’s time to eat babies.”
I hate whenever you go into a coffee shop, no matter what you order they have their own way of calling it to the back. Like you could be like, “Hi, I’ll have a tall mocha iced latte blended fun.” And then the lady’s like, “BLEEUH!, anything else?”
I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot and I couldn’t tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not, and I realized I’ve never had that dilemma before. I’ve always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan. AAAHHHH.
“Yes, this is Diane calling from the hospital. I just called to tell you that your ex-girlfriend Mia was killed today. She was helping retards and one of them exploded.” And i thought that was so hysterical. and then he calls me up later and is like, “do you think this is true?” “yes, craig. exploding retards is a huge epidemic in our country.”