Mystery Science Theater 3000

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by riffing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing erudite cultural quips with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 episodes (movies), 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the MST3K canon. (See Notes below for help on using this page.)

KTMA 00 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21  
S1 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S2 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S3 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S4 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S5 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S6 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
S7 01 02 03 04 05 06   MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)  
S8 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22  
S9 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
S10 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13  
Short 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20  
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40  
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60  
Spec 01 02 03 04   Unknown episode   Notes Major cast See also External links

Notes[edit]

  • How to use this page. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a tooltip. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.)
  • What kind of quotes to add. Much of the humor in Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes do include MST3K humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).
  • How to format quotes. See the discussion page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.
  • What do the colors mean? The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for MST3K:
KTMA: Season 0 Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Season 1 Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
Comedy Central: Season 7 Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester
Gramercy: MST3K: The Movie Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester
Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer
Short features (various seasons) (various casts & channels)
CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) Mike & the Bots


KTMA (Season 0)[edit]

The Green Slime[edit]

Man: That's an asteroid!
Joel: That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!

Joel: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Yes, Joel Hodgson?
Joel: I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
Crow: You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
Joel: It was on 8-track.
[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]

Invaders from the Deep[edit]

[Troy Tempest pilots the Stingray into a crater in the inkiest depths of the ocean bottom.]
Crow: That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.

Revenge of the Mysterons[edit]

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II[edit]

[During an effects sequence.]
Servo: They must've spent tens of dollars on this.

Gamera vs. Barugon[edit]

Japanese General: Operation Rear View Mirror has failed.
Servo: Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice.

Gamera[edit]

Crow: Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at (a spray turnd Crow frozen mid-sentence) AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
Joel: See, I told you guys it would work.
[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]
Dr. Hidaka: The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.
[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]
Joel: There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.

[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]
Kenny: Tibby? Tibby? Tibby?
Joel: Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him.

[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]
Joel [as Catherine]: When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole box of gravel.

Gamera vs. Gaos[edit]

[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]
Joel: All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy.

Gamera vs. Zigra[edit]

[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]
Servo: Oh my God, it's Gordon Lightfoot!

Helen: I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera!
Joel: Keep your shirt on, honey.

Gamera vs. Guiron[edit]

Servo: Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.

Phase IV[edit]

Crow: Looks kinda skinny. Must be a Carpenter ant. [chuckling] Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause—
Joel: [horrified] Oh no...
Crow: Never mind.
Joel: You don't mean that...
Servo: Ant-orexic.
Crow: [laughs] See? Servo got it.

Servo: You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in The Flintstones.
Crow: I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes.

[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]
Crow: Hope no one's eating rice at this point.

Servo: So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth?
Crow: Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill Sandy Frank!
Servo: Oh, that's just a given!

[While the end credits roll.]
Crow: I thought it was deep...
Joel: What did you think, Servo?
Servo: I thought it was pathetic.
Crow: So deep, we should've been wearing boots.
Servo: This made flying turtles look good.

Cosmic Princess[edit]

[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]
Joel: Kind of a jack-o'-lantern monster.
Servo: [deadpan] Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.
Crow: I think the prop department juuuust ran out of money.

[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]
Tony: 1... 2...
Servo [as Tony]: 3...
Tony: 5...
Joel, Crow, Servo: What?!
Tony: 6...
Joel: That's why they're in such trouble.
Tony: 7... 4.
Crow: Well, they are British.

[During the credits.]
Crow: Nick Brimble! I had a knick on my Brimble once.

Humanoid Woman[edit]

Joel: The plot thickens.
Servo: Like rancid pea soup.

Fugitive Alien[edit]

Joel: Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet.

SST: Death Flight[edit]

[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]
Angela: [vapidly] Hello!
[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]
Crow [as Attendant]: Please put your brain under the seat in front of you.

[Passengers are boarding.]
Crow [as Attendant]: Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off.

[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]
Capt. Walsh: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
Servo [as Capt. Walsh]: An oncoming plane.
Capt. Walsh: Although the sky above remains black…
Crow [as Capt. Walsh]: … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.

[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]
Carla Stanley: Please, do something! We'll all be killed!
Crow: I guess she's in charge of panicking.
Servo [as Kingman]: Okay, all the actors form a line! "Love Boat" on the left, "Fantasy Island" on the right!

Mighty Jack[edit]

[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]
Joel: So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing?

Superdome[edit]

[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]
Crow: Magnum, deep fried.

[The film ends just before the kickoff.]
Announcer: There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.
Servo: [annoyed] Who won?
Crow: I know I'll never be quite the same.
Joel: This movie's history.
Crow: We're history.
Joel: Let's go.
[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]
Servo: Who won? ... Who won? ... Who won the game?!

City on Fire[edit]

[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]
Servo: Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha–
[Barry Newman's credit appears.]
Crow: Like Barry Newman.
Servo: So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night.

Crow: I bet this was made in Canada.
Servo: Oui.

[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]
Dr. Whitman: You all know "Follow the Leader"?
Crow: This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor".

[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]
Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!

[A woman is going into labor.]
Crow: Get a catcher's mitt!
Joel: Boil some water.
Crow: Boil some newspapers!

Crow: Kinda sorry Shelley bought it.
Joel: Yeah... kinda of a shame.
Tom: She bought it, but we paid for it.

Time of the Apes[edit]

[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]
Crow: Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?

[Still shot of two gorillas]
Crow: Oh look, it's Shelly Winters and Ernest Borgnine.

The Million Eyes of Sumuru[edit]

[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol Frankie Avalon) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]
Joel: Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.
Crow: Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.
. . .
Tommy: I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
Joel: Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!

Hangar 18[edit]

The Last Chase[edit]

[a credit for the Canadian Film Development Corporation appears]
Crow: Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it SUCKED!!

Legend of the Dinosaur[edit]

Servo: It's Brooke Shields, the Creature from the Blue Lagoon!

Reporter: Everyone is asking the same question...
Servo: Why am I watching this?

[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]
Joel: It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie.

Season 1[edit]

The Crawling Eye[edit]

[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]
Mountaineer: His head! ... It was torn off!
Servo: You say that like it's a bad thing.

[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]
Servo [as Conductor]: Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.

[A woman stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]
Joel [as mountain]: [deeply] I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.

Joel: What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

[A woman is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike.]
Man: Let's get you outside and have some fresh air!
Servo: I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now.

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy[edit]

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)[edit]

[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]
Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.

Commando Cody: Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?
Servo [as Retik]: It's an election year.
Retik: Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.
Commando Cody: Why do you want to invade the Earth?
Retik: Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.
Joel [as Cody]: Get a humidifier!

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)[edit]

[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]
Dr. Almada: So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca.
Joel [as Dr. Almada]: The god of decaffeinated coffee.
Dr. Almada: They were discovered by the tribal priests.
[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]
Servo [as Dr. Almada]: They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.

[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]
Joel: Kind of looks like Dirty Dancing, doesn't it?
Servo [as Xochi]: [singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]
I've reached the end of my life
And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.

[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]
Dr. Krupp: Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!
Joel: The Cosmo sex quiz?

Mad Monster[edit]

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)[edit]

[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]
Joel: These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.

[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]
Servo: Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him.

Mad Monster (movie)[edit]

[Local yokel Jed Harper wanders through the misty, jungle-like woods at night.]
Servo: [singing to "Theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies'"]
Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
Then one day, he was shootin' at some food...
[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]
Joel: [singing] And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.
Servo: Wolfman, that is.
Joel: Black teeth.
Joel, Servo: Gnarled face.
[Petro begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]
Servo: [singing]
Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared.
The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!"
So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.

Servo: Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?

Prof. Blaine: Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!
Joel: Tell that to the NFL!

[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]
Servo: Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!

[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.

Prof. Fitzgerald: [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped.
Servo [as Dr. Cameron]: Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

Women of the Prehistoric Planet[edit]

[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]
Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba!

[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]
Joel, Servo, and Crow: SHUT UP!!!

[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]
Joel: Is he primordial soup yet?

[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]
Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

The Corpse Vanishes[edit]

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)[edit]

The Corpse Vanishes (movie)[edit]

[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]
Joel: Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!
[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]
Crow [as Lorenz]: Thank you, I love cake!

[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]
Servo [as Landshark]: Landshark.
. . .
[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]
Joel [as Landshark]: Candygram.
. . .
[The two women hear another knock at the door.]
Servo [as Landshark]: Pizza delivery.

[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]
Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.

[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]
Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: Now you might feel a little sting...
[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]
Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]: OK, a big sting.

Crow: No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.

[during the RAM chip segment]
Crow: Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of mutants!
Joel: [chuckles] OK...and a bad thing?
Crow: They were all so stupid, they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!
Joel: [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip!

The Crawling Hand[edit]

[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]
Owner: No dancing, not allowed.
Joel: This is just like Footloose.

[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]
Crow [as Owner]: No acting, not allowed.
. . .
[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]
Owner: No rats.
Joel [as Owner]: Unless they're on the menu.

[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]
Crow: Hey! Is this From Here to Eternity?
Servo: No, it just seems like an eternity.

[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]
Marta: Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
Paul: "Stacked"?
Crow [as Paul]: "Stacked" means you're really smart.

Police Officer: Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?
Crow [as Officer]: The sound of one hand clapping?

[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter.

Robot Monster[edit]

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)[edit]

[Tom sneezes violently]
Joel: Bless you!
Crow: Gesundheit.
Joel: You're not supposed to do that...

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)[edit]

Robot Monster (movie)[edit]

[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]
Ro-Man: Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.

[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]
Ro-Man: And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative.
Crow: He's so negative!

[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]
Joel: Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does.
Servo: Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.

[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]
Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.

[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]
Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man?
Ro-Man: Yes. [distressed] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.
Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!

Johnny: I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are!
[Short pause.]
Ro-Man: Now I will kill you.

The Slime People[edit]

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)[edit]

[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]
Servo: It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
Crow: Hip? Not. Ick!

The Slime People (movie)[edit]

[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]
Servo [as Gregory]: Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
Crow [as Answering Machine]: Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]
Tolliver: Genius waits for no one!
Crow: But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
. . .
[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]
Tolliver: I… I've never seen anything like it!
Servo: Even in Tijuana!
. . .
[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]
Joel: Lookit — they're all on their way to a George Romero film festival!

[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]
Gregory: Look at this. Blonde hair.
Servo: Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
Crow: At night.
Joel: In a fog.

Project Moonbase[edit]

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)[edit]

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)[edit]

Project Moonbase (movie)[edit]

[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]
Crow: Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers back to Brooklyn.

Robot Holocaust[edit]

Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)[edit]

Robot Holocaust (movie)[edit]

[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]
Valeria: You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
Torque: Yes!
Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?
Servo: Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.
Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?

[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]
Narrator: A dagger is placed into the ground—
Servo: A voice-over is placed into the script.

[A severed head rolls past]
Servo: Oh, it's a spare!
Crow: Gutter head.

Moon Zero Two[edit]

[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]
Servo: [excited] Hey it's in color!
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Really bad music already, this is great.
. . .
Servo: Is this a Pink Panther movie?
Joel: No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
Servo: Why would they use cartoons?
Joel: Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
Servo: [dubiously] Ah.

[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]
Clementine: He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.
Capt. Kemp: He's probably waiting at Moon City.
Clementine: Mmm, that's what the man said.
Servo [as Capt. Kemp]: Don't you listen to what the man says.

[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]
Korminski: Yes, thees time, we can pay the bill, okay?!
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Korminski/Manuel]: Hch-okay, Mee-ster Fawlty!
. . .
[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]
Hubbard: That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?
Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]: [annoyed] He's from Barcelona.

[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]
Servo: Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!!

[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]
Crow: Kaboom! would become Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!

Untamed Youth[edit]

[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]
Crow [as Penny]: Hey, who's the guy in the cage?
Servo [as Farmhand]: Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.

[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a sock hop in their quarters.]
Joel: That's the problem with today's youth. This is how their image of prison is.

Jane: Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.
Crow: Maybe it's Aida.

Bob Steele: That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name.
Crow: She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name.

[Penny (blonde bombshell Mamie Van Doren) performs a calypso song and dance, backed by male dancers.]
Penny: Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
Joel: What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
Servo: I don't wanna know.

The Black Scorpion[edit]

[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]
Narrator: … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Joel: Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
Narrator: … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
Servo [as Narrator]: And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage!

[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]
Hank: Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
Artur: Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
Servo [as Artur]: I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.

[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]
Hank: … I found something a lot more interesting!
Joel: Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
Crow: Only mounted. [N]

[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]
Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First—
Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast.
Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point.

[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]
Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…
Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.

Season 2[edit]

Rocketship X-M[edit]

Lisa: How do we stand on fuel now?
Crow: I'm for it.

[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]
Servo [as Astronaut]: Well...that could have gone better.
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!
Crow [as Other Astronaut]: Nonsense!
Servo [as King Arthur]: Run away! Run away!
Joel [as Tooter Turtle]: I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!
[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]
Servo [as Shaggy]: Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
Crow [as Mr. Wizard]: Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
Servo [as Mr. Wizard]: Time for zis vun to come home!

[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]
Crow: Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets.

[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]
Crow: Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule.
Joel: Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned?
Dr. Forrester: We couldn't get it!

The Sidehackers[edit]

[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]
Joel: This grass... It's... drugged!

[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]
Crow: It was about that time the Duke boys decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about.

Paisley: Why can't I reach you?
Crow: There's a ladder in the way.

J.C.: [after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious] I treated you like a brother!
Crow: Not a good brother...

Big Jake: He hit Big Jake!

Jungle Goddess[edit]

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)[edit]

[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: I forget who did what here. I say, "Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out."

Jungle Goddess (movie)[edit]

[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]
Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.

[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]
Bob: [sarcastic] White goddess having trouble?
Crow: White fascist getting smart?

Catalina Caper[edit]

Bob Draper: Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.
Don Pringle: Don Pringle.
Crow [as Don]: Heir to the potato chip fortune.

[On the Catalina ferry Little Richard performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]
Crow: Little Richard? I hate impressionists!
. . .
Servo: Prince, I hope you're watching this!
Joel: I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
Crow: Little Richard: the one true talent in this film!

Katrina: His name is Angelo.
Servo: He's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]
Servo: I feel a number coming on…
Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!

Rocket Attack U.S.A.[edit]

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)[edit]

Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie)[edit]

[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]
Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?
Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
Servo: [screaming] DUCK AND COVER!
Joel: Is right for five points.

[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]
Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.
Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them!

[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]
General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?

[General Watkins answers his phone.]
General: Hello?
Joel [as voice on other end]: Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?
General: Yes!

Crow: [After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park] Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!

[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]
Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT?
Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.

[New York has just been nuked.]
Crow: It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce.

[The very first MST3K "stinger"]
Blind Guy: Help me.

Ring of Terror[edit]

Ring of Terror (movie)[edit]

[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]
Joel [as Moffitt]: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.
[He puts on a sweater.]
Servo [as Moffitt]: Let's see… [groans] … ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.
Crow [as Moffitt/Old Man]: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…
{The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]

Crow: I'm a lamp.

The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)[edit]

[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up!

Wild Rebels[edit]

[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]
Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.
Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?

[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]
Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.
Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!

[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]
Servo [as Banjo]: Not this way, man, my mom will see me!

[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]
Crow: Hey, look! Erik Estrada!

Lost Continent[edit]


[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]
Crow: Oh, look! A V-2!
Tom: Aw, I could've had a V8!
[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]
Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?
Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!
Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.
Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]
Crow: Must...try...hard...to...pad...out...the...film!

The Hellcats[edit]

Biker: [to Ross Hagen] Where ya from?
Servo: Sidehackers.

King Dinosaur[edit]

X Marks the Spot (short)[edit]

[title card features a large X, with Marks the Spot fading in atop it.]
Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?
Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.

[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]
Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.
Commissioner Magee: We kill…
Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
Commissioner Magee: … and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
. . .
Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.

[The scene fades to an intersection]
Narrator: Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.
Crow [as Narrator]: Called "Blood Alley"
Narrator: No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...
Joel [as Narrator]: It made you feel happy.
[Scene pans to a car approaching]
Narrator: Here comes someone from one direction and...
[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]
Narrator: ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.
Joel [as Narrator]: Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!
[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]
Servo: Well, I guess he can't be a witness...

King Dinosaur (movie)[edit]

[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" iguana T. rex.]
Dr. Bennett: Oh Ralph, what is it?!
Crow: [yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up!

First Spaceship on Venus[edit]

[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]
Brinkman: Sumiko!
Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]: I will as soon my lawyer gets here.
Sumiko: Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much?
Joel [as Brinkman]: Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!

[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]
Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.

[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.]
Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?

[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]
Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?

Godzilla vs. Megalon[edit]

Joel, Crow, & Servo: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!

[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]
Goro: Hey! The rocket!
Servo: [Snorts] Rockets!
Crow: On a picnic?
. . .
Rokuro: Help me! Hurry up!
Joel: Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!
. . .
[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]
Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Yep!
Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…

[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]
Jinkawa: [to Goro] Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!
Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!

[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]
Crow [as a Narrator]: Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...
. . .
[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]
Joel: They've just created Jennifer Beals.

[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]
Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.

[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]
Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
Servo: [Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design!
Goro: They're controlling him.
Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!
Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!

[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]
Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
Joel: Um, no.
Servo: Not this kid.
. . .
Servo [as Jinkawa]: [Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!

[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]
Servo: I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...
. . .
Crow: He's got a foreign object!
Servo: He is a foreign object!

[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]
Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]: I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.

[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]
Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?
Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.

[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]
Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot!

[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]
Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!

[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]
Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!
Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for leveling our country!

[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]
Goro: [Into medallion] Jet Jaguar! Let's go home!
[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]
Crow [as Jet Jaguar]: Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house!

[The bots' translation of the fabulous Jet Jaguar fight song]
He jock it made of steel.
Eats sushi from a pail.
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him.
He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity.
He dickey covers up an Adam's apple the size of a Toyota.
He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid's head against a rock!
Knock, knock, knock!!
Who's there?
He face look like Jack Nicholson.
Don't laugh like that; it'll stay that way.
Yamahageeooooooh!
[pause]
Do not touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man.

Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster[edit]

[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]
Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here!

[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]
Tom: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.[N]

[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]
Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve!

Season 3[edit]

Cave Dwellers[edit]

[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]
Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie?
Servo: Oh, Miles O' Keefe!

Ator: Man's destiny is predetermined.
Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist!

[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]
Servo [as one of the villains]: You idiot, we don't even have a doe license!

[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]
Joel [as Mila]: Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.
Tom [as Mila]: What would MacGyver do?

[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]
Narrator: After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.
Servo: Oh, you mean the '80s.

[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]
Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.

[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]
Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point!

[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]
Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.

[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]
Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!
Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
. . .
Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!

[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]
Servo: Oh, come on.
Crow: What the…?!
Servo: [laughs]
Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice] I'm the luckiest boy in the world! I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!
Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…

[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]
Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.

[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]
Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now.
[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]
Crow: Uh— huh?
Joel: How'd he do that?
Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that?
[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]
Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.
Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts.

Gamera[edit]

[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]
Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!

[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]
Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
Joel [as Dr. Murase]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
Dr. Murase: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
General: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
Servo [as Murase]: Because Kenny said so.

[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]
Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...
Crow [as Newsman]: ... and Kenny...

Dr. Murase: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
Servo: More Gamera movies?

[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]
Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.

[After Servo finishes a song about Tibby the turtle]
Crow: Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

Pod People[edit]

[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the public domain karaoke machine]
Dr. Forrester: For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TV's Frank: People vomit?

Dr. Forrester: Your movie today is Pod People. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has everything to do with hurting!

[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]
Crow: It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.

[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]
Hunter #1: What the hell is that?
Hunter #2: I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
Crow: A pear?

[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]
Crow: Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop?

[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]
Rick: It stinks!

[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]
Joel: Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
Crow: Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
Joel [as Adman]: It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.
Crow: And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?

[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]
Servo: Syntho-birds.
Crow: Hey, it's a Casio forest.
Joel: They parked next to a data stream.

[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]
Joel [as Tommy]: Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!

Tommy: You know what "play" means, Trumpy?
Crow [as Trumpy]: Yes, it's where I break you in half.

[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]
Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
Joel: Oh, if only this film were so lucky.

[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]
Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
. . .
Tommy: You can do magic things!
[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]
Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid.
Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.

[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]
Crow [as Molly]: Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.

Servo: Meanwhile, in another movie? [sighs] Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!

Tommy's mother: Tommy, can you hear me?
Joel [as Tommy's mother]: Can you feel me near you?

(Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly)

Joel: I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!
Servo: I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams)
Joel: Oh, we've got commercial sign!!

Gamera vs. Barugon[edit]

[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]
Servo: Death, where is thy sting? We're waiting.

Servo: And, we'll be right back, right after this.
Kids, here's the greatest, the neatest, the latest thing! 5000-piece Fightin' Men 'N Monster Set (some pieces not included)! Astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Here's what you get:
500 Japanese light infantry (body parts may not be missing)
36 helpless individuals
20 tanks
15 recoil-less rifles (not in the set)
24 Bazooka Gum runners
18 ambulance chasers
12 jet fighters (six not included)
16 helicopter parts
200 shooting crouchers
19 fighting clowns
8 deserters
6 geese a laying
24 Mohawk Indians
And much much much much more!
Act now and receive, at half the extra value, the Mystifying Monster Action Pack! Flame on with Gamera (torso sold seperately), he belches real fire and causes real pain! Solid rubber Barugon comes complete with optional ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage)!
Act now, act often, and snap on the entire Tokyo Metropolitan Area (some parts may not exist)! Complete with buildings, bridges and the breakaway Monte-Nuco Dam (smaller than shown)! Trample the add on Hapless Citizen Play Set, then abhor the action with the fabulous Anti-War Protest Pack (Senator Wellstone not included)!
But that's not all! Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the Lights, Gamera, Action series! There's the Gimp, the Goon, the Shamed Old Brother, the Hapless Geisha and the Fall-Apart Voodoo Kenny!
Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Review, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you created explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah or Puerto Rico! Prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, and some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! Mommy! Mommy!
[Joel muffles him with an oxygen mask]
Joel: Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one. Let's not do that again.

Stranded in Space[edit]

Time of the Apes[edit]

[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]
Crow [as Caroline]: My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.

[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]
Crow [as Officer]: About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!

Caroline: Catherine, I'm scared!
Catherine: Don't worry, we're with you.
Crow: We're doomed, but with you.

Crow: C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot!

[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]
Catherine: Hurry, this way!
Crow: Oh, like you know where you're going!

[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]
Servo: AAAH! The tree's having a seizure!

Daddy-O[edit]

Alphabet Antics (short)[edit]

[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]
Crow: Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people.

[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]
Servo: D is for damned, as in "Village Of".
. . .
Crow [as dancing boy/Hitler]: You vill dance with me, Eva!

[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]
Servo [as giraffe]: I want a Clark bar.

[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]
Joel: I is for Ike. He hides inside.

[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large ice cream cone is seen]
Joel: Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone.
. . .
[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]
Joel: And there's Elvis now.
. . .
[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]
Servo: [before the narrator can talk] N is for float... huh?

[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]
Servo: Ah, and there's Louie Anderson.

Narrator: O is for once...
Servo: "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike?
. . .
[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]
Servo: O is for the obscene treatment of animals.
. . .
Joel: P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.

Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!
Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagiarism from Ogden Nash! [N]

[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]
Crow: Hey, these are all boys!
. . .
Joel: Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall!

Servo: U is for upchuck that comes from below. [imiates vomiting]

Narrator: X is for Xmas...
Servo: X is for existential dilemma.

Servo: Yeah, well, Y is for Yanni, as far as I'm concerned.

[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]
Joel: Y is the chemical symbol for heavy metals that the fish is full of!

[As the film ends]
Crow [as Narrator]: I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness.

Daddy-O (movie)[edit]

[Upon seeing title of movie]
Crow: Daddy-O!
Servo: Must be Harry O's father. Or Wendy O.'s dad.

[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]
Joel [as Chillas]: Let's eat some butter. Gobs of butter. Big handfuls!
[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]
Phil: What's this?
Servo [as Chillas]: It's made of butter.

Gamera vs. Gaos[edit]

[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]
Crow: Oh, bless you.
[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]
Crow: [startled] Was he mooing?

Photographer: [trying to get Eiichi's attention] Hey, Boy! Boy!
Joel: Crazy Boy!

[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]
Crow: Welcome to this week's edition of Eat the Press.

The Amazing Colossal Man[edit]

[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]
Servo: [in Irish accent] Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!
Crow: [in old lady voice] Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.
Joel: Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.

Glenn: All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.
Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.
Glenn: I don't want to grow anymore!
Joel [as Glenn]: I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!

[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]
Servo: Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!

Crow: Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield.

Fugitive Alien[edit]

[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]
Mike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing]
This is the song written for the train chase.
This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
He tried to kill me with a forklift…
Olé!

Ken: There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?
Servo: Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

It Conquered the World[edit]

Snow Thrills (short)[edit]

[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]
Tom: Boy, all this just to talk to Jim McKay.

[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]
Narrator: ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!
Joel: Yeah, well, you're full of skit.
. . .
[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]
Tom: Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.

It Conquered the World (movie)[edit]

[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson (Lee Van Cleef) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]
Paul Nelson: I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.
Servo [as Tom Anderson]: Then gimme back my cocktail.
Tom Anderson: It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.
Crow [as Tom Anderson]: Bitter? Oh, a tad.
. . .
[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]
Joan Nelson: A personal friend of yours?
Servo [as Joan]: Name dropper!
Claire Anderson: [sarcastically] Real chums.
Tom Anderson: The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.
Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]: You will bow down before me!

[Paul Nelson (Peter Graves) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]
Paul Nelson: He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.

Gamera vs. Guiron[edit]

[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]
Servo: [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
Joel: [singing] Movies — NOT!

[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]
Joel, Crow, Servo: Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!

[An establishing shot of Gaos]
Joel: Here comes old flattop...
Servo: [whispering] Don't! George Harrison will sue you!
Joel: Oops, sorry!

[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]
Joel [as Space Girl]: Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.

[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]
Akio: Hey, what happened to my hair?
Tom: The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!
Joel: They ate my hair?
[this particular joke was improvised by Josh's Servo in the original KTMA episode]

[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]
Crow [as Tomoko]: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles!

[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!

[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]
Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]: Shut up and keep driving!

[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]
Tomoko: Kon-chan?
Officer Kondo: Heh? What?
Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!

[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

Earth vs. the Spider[edit]

Speech: Using Your Voice (short)[edit]

Professor Bueller: Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...or an arm...

[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]
Professor Bueller: Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
Servo [as Bueller]: Oh, and you must have a wire rack.

Professor Bueller: Do you know...
Crow [as Bueller]: ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.

[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]
Man #1: Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
Crow [as Man #1]: Uh... er... panties!

[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]
Bueller: Now, let's look at another typical example.
[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]
Crow [as Bueller]: This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now he is pleasing.

[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]
Man #2: Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
Crow [as Man #2]: Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
Man #2: I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
Servo: Ah, Garrison Keillor.

Professor Bueller: Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...
Joel [as Bueller]: ...will wish he were dead.

Earth vs. the Spider (movie)[edit]

[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]
Joel: No, Dr. Erhardt, no! So that's what happened to him!
Servo: Wow.
Crow [as Dr. Erhardt]: Enjoy! [N]

[Joel mentions KISS]
Crow: [sighs] Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were NEVER cool!

[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]
Crow: It's Rose Kennedy!

Mighty Jack[edit]

[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]
Joel: Sex cameraman? Is this a–
Servo: No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel.

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]
Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down
Way hey, slow the plot down!
We'll scuttle the story and run her aground.
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
Way hey, slow the plot down!
Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

Teenage Caveman[edit]

Aquatic Wizards (short)[edit]

Announcer: Where's the third fellow? He's chicken — never jumped at all.
Crow [as Announcer]: What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]

...

Servo: Forget about life-jackets this is The 50's.

Catching Trouble (short)[edit]

[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]
Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [N]

[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]
Ted Husing: Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?
Servo [as Husing]: For voting twice?
Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!

[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]
Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
Joel: Hurting the people you know and love?
Crow: Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?

Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...
Crow: ...or call PETA!

[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]
Joel: What I wouldn't give to see that cub's mom show up right about now, huh, guys?

Teenage Caveman (movie)[edit]

[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]
Crow: How green was my valley?
Joel: Not very.

Joel: This script is like a telephone directory!
Crow: But not as interesting.

Gamera vs. Zigra[edit]

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent[edit]

The Home Economics Story (short)[edit]

[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]
Joel: Iowa State College: The high school after high school!

Servo [singing]: If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...

[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]
Joel [as Principal]: Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.
Crow [as Principal]: Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?
[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]
Matronly Woman: Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know very well.
Servo [as Matronly Woman]: ...and why I'm being fired.

[Kay is discussing college with her family.]
Servo: She consulted Robert McNamara.
Joel: And Ayn Rand!

[As Kay sends her application letter.]
Narrator: She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.
Crow: (chuckles maniacly)
Joel: Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.
[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]
Servo [as Kay]: It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!
Joel: It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!

[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]
Crow [as Jean]: [in a Curly Howard voice] Hi! Howya doin'? We're gonna have a great time! We're gonna be pals!

[At a costume design class]
Crow: Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?

[A football game is starting.]
Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.
Joel [as audience member]: Play "Whipping Post"!
[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]
Crow: [in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you!
[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!

[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]
Servo: Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.
Narrator: ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.
Joel [as Kay]: How do Pop-Tarts work?
Kay: What are you doing to major in, Helen?
. . .
Louise: What are you going to take, Jean?
Joel [as Jean]: I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!
. . .
Kay: You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.
Joel [as Kay]: Because I can't do.

[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]
Joel [as little girl]: ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!

[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]
Joel [as announcer] Home Economics, starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.
Voice Over: What is "Home Economics"?
Crow: Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...

[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]
Joel: Hey, it's Abbey Road.
Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]: Here we come, walking down the street...

Servo [singing]: It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...

[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]
Narrator: Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.
Servo: And to re-enact the last scene from Anna Karenina.

Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (movie)[edit]

Star Force: Fugitive Alien II[edit]

[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]
Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!

[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]
Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.
Ken: How will we do it?
Rocky: Easy.
Servo: Wha— wait a minute.

[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]
Crow [as one of the crew]: Hey, corn...CORN?!?

War of the Colossal Beast[edit]

Mr. B Natural (short)[edit]

[Confused about a name in the opening credits]
Joel: What does "A.S.C." mean?
Servo: "A sick cookie".
Joel: Oh.

Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the background music in the opening credits]
Come on and buy some crap from us
You know that you want to
And the white race will salute you
As you prance and gad about!

[A large, bleacher-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]
Mr. B Natural: Boy! Am I glad to see you!
Crow: Well, it's not mutual!

Mr. B Natural: Knew your father, I did!
Joel: Hey, leave my father out of this!
Mr. B Natural: And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam!
Servo: Yeah, you were the snake!

Mr. B Natural: The spirit of music's inside all of you.
Crow: No, I bathe.
Mr. B Natural: In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)

[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]
Joel [as Jim]: Got it from the Franklin Mint!

[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]
Jeanie: Wanna come? We could dance!
Crow [as Buzz]: Don't hit me!
Buzz: No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
Jeanie: But that's not due for two weeks!
Buzz: I know Jeanie... but I...
Servo [as Buzz]: ...I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.

Joel [as Buzz]: [in a whiny voice] That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an androgynous man would come and visit me...

Servo: Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz".

Mr. B Natural: Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the spirit!
Servo: Yeah, calls for Satan.

[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]
Buzz: Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading.
Buzz's Mother: All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?
Crow [as Buzz's Mother]: This time, don't make so much noise when you "read."

Joel [as Buzz's Mother]: Why does my kid have to be such a dud? I was popular!

Mr. B Natural: Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside you! That's me, B Natural!
Servo: [excited] So I'm attracted to guys now?
[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]

Mr. B Natural: You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos.
Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away!

[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]
Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform...
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition...
Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!
Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!
Crow [as Buzz]: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Mr. B Natural: When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!
Joel: Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity?

[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]
Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.
Crow [as Buzz]: Forget music, I wanna dance!

[Mr. B dances to some music.]
Crow: He's so perky... kill her.
Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.

[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]
Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!

Crow: [in a midwestern voice] Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day.

[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]
Joel: Honey West!

[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]
Joel: Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.

[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]
Servo: Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.
Crow: This trumpet is flatlining!

[Buzz is performing at a school dance]
Joel, Servo, Crow: [singing to the music] We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...
. . .
Joel: Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.
. . .
Crow [as radio host]: Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...
. . .
[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]
Joel: It stinks!

Servo: Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.

War of the Colossal Beast (movie)[edit]

[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Car Occupants]: [singing to "99 Bottles of Beer"]
100 years of solitude, 100 years of solitude!
Take one down, pass it around,
99 years of solitude!

The Unearthly[edit]

Posture Pals (short)[edit]

Servo: The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.

[talking about the posture contest]
Narrator: The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns.
Joel: Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and wear crappy hats.

[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]
Narrator: ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
Servo [as Narrator]: Here, she re-enacts her first DUI.

[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]
Narrator: Doesn't Bombo look tired?
Crow: Yes, very much so.
[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]
Joel [as Bombo]: No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
[Servo makes broken spine noises]

[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]
Joel: Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.

[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]
Narrator: Tommy reminds Jimmy—
Joel: Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
Narrator: —when Jimmy stands off-balance.
Crow [as Narrator]: Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
Joel [as Jimmy]: Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
Tom: Heh-heh... what?

Narrator: At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.
[A silhouette appears on screen]
Crow: Hey, it's Hitchcock!
Tom: Yeah, after Slim-Fast!
[All sing the Alfred Hitchcock Presents theme]

Narrator: Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.
Joel: And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.

[Mary is voted posture queen]
Crow: FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX!
[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]
Servo: Then Mary's head is lit on fire!
Narrator: And the other three children win the other posture crowns.
Servo: Definitely a fix.
Narrator: Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures?
Joel, Crow, Servo: NO!

Appreciating Our Parents (short)[edit]

[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]
Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...
Servo [as Narrator]: ...in a prison break.
Narrator: ...and now, it's mended as good as new.
Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.

The Unearthly (movie)[edit]

[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed John Carradine) as he reassures new patient Grace.]
Joel: Hey, John — why the long face, pal?

[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]
Sharon: Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.
[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]
Crow [as Sharon]: NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!

[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]
Sharon: Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?
Crow [as Mark]: Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.
. . .
[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]
Crow [as Conway]: I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!
Servo [as Groucho]: I can't think of anything else!

[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]
Lobo: Time for go to bed!
Joel: Well said.

[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]
Joel: His story has a better plot than this movie...

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians[edit]

[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]
Crow: I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]
Crow [as TV Announcer]:For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!

[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]
Kimar: Now, go to sleep!
Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
Bomar: I want to see more toys!
Kimar: No, go to sleep!
Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?
Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure!

[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]
Joel [as Announcer]: Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
Servo: [in nerdy voice] You know… if they cancel Battlestar Galactica, I'm gonna kill myself.

[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]
Crow [as Santa]: [cheerfully] Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.

[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]
Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
Joel [as Santa]: Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids.
. . .
Girmar: Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
Joel [as Santa]: We'll have to sell this stuff to Wham-O!

Crow: Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam.

[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]
Dr. Forrester: Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!
TV's Frank: Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
Dr. Forrester: You… hocked… my… Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yah…
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called Final Exit. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Heh heh. Oh, Henry! [N]

Master Ninja I[edit]

[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]
Sheriff Kyle: Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
Crow: Office?! That's a car.

[Holly Trumball (Demi Moore) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]
Holly: You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
Max: I'm going off duty for the day.
Holly: Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
Joel: Uh, let Dennis Miller do Dennis Miller, Demi.

Mr. Trumball: You got a warrant, sheriff?
Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]: Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.

Crow: I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...

[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]
Okasa: The old man hired you?
McAlister: I am not for hire.
Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...
McAlister: The dark times have gone.
Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!

[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]

[Okasa has the Master cornered, but the Master uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]
Joel: Oh, ninjas never had those.
Servo [as Okasa]: Damn. He knows Doug Henning.
Max: You all right?
Joel [as the Master]: I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

The Castle of Fu Manchu[edit]

Crow: Staring contest on the left. Check it out.

Fu Manchu: This is Fu Manchu.
Crow [As Fu Manchu]: And you're not.

Master Ninja II[edit]

[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]
Max: I'm here. Are you?
Carrie: Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.
Max: I hear ya. [The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.]
Servo [as Carrie]: You're a wry wit.

[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]
Joel: You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

Season 4[edit]

Space Travelers[edit]

[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]
Crow: Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.

The Giant Gila Monster[edit]

[The film's title appears on the screen]
Joel, Crow & Tom: [singing to tune of Hava Nagila]: Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!

[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
Joel: I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
Crow: That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.

[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]
Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"

[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]
Tom [as Colonel Kurtz]: The horror! The horror!
[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]
Crow: Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!

[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]
Chase: Two twenties!
Tom: That makes thirty dollars!

City Limits[edit]

TV's Frank: It's none other than British pop star, Morrissey!... He's a little depressed.
[Frank turns to Morrissey]
TV's Frank: So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?
Morrissey: [turns to Dr. Forrester] He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?
TV's Frank: Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.
Morrissey: Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?

Morrissey: This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...

[Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]
Woody: I lost a tooth.
Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]
Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.

[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]
Sammy: It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
Joel: Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.

[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]
Mick: You're nothin'.
Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.
Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but—
Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

Mick: We ain't stupid.
Bolo: Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
Crow: Not on screen anyway.

[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]
Crow: Oh, Austin City Limits!

[Albert (James Earl Jones) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]
Tom [as Albert]: This is F.U.N.

Teenagers from Outer Space[edit]

[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]
Crow: Wow, really old teenagers from outer space.

[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]
Spacecraft Captain: When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to torture!
Joel, Crow, Servo: TORCHAA!!

Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Servo [as Captain]: We have the supreme pizzas!

[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]
Thor: Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."
Crow T. Robot: You mean a day?

[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]
Joel [as Derek/Freddy]: [singing to "On the Street Where You Live"]
I have often walked down the street before,
But I've never done it packing heat before…

[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]
Spacecraft Captain: We are the supreme race! We have the supreme weapons!
Crow: Ahh, turn Rush Limbaugh off!

Betty: Where are you from Derek?
Joel [as Derek]: A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".

Being from Another Planet[edit]

[Watching the title credit]
Tom: You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.

[Establishing shot of hospital]
Servo: ...and now, Trapper John, M.D.!
Crow: Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to Medical Center!
Servo: Yeah!

Attack of the Giant Leeches[edit]

[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]
Clown #1: Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?
Servo: Yes, about a kajillion times!
Clown #1: Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?
[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]
Joel: Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!
Clown #2: [to Gypsy] Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?
[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]
Clown #2: [to Clown #1] Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)[edit]

[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]
Doctor #1: Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!
Crow [as Doctor #2]: Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!
Doctor #2: He'll make a fine Naval officer.
Servo: He'll make several of them!

Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie)[edit]

[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]
Servo: Oh, Mommy!
Joel [as Announcer]: Honey West!
Crow: Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

The Killer Shrews[edit]

Dr. Forrester: Your movie for today's experiment makes even me sick—and I liked Morgan Stewart's Coming Home.

Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)[edit]

[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]
Narrator: Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
Joel [as Narrator]: Smothered in gravy—Texas style!

Narrator: Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
Joel [as Narrator]: All nine of 'em.

Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]: And the crowd goes wild!
Crow, Servo: [dully] Yay.

[After a succesful cattle roping]
Narrator: Eight seconds.
Joel [as the boy]: Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much.

Narrator: Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.
Joel: It's sad, really.
Servo: [singing to the tune of Home on the Range] ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!!

The Killer Shrews (movie)[edit]

[The narrator describes the voracious shrew.]
Narrator: He must eat his own body weight every few hours…
Servo [as Narrator]: …plus a delicious shake.

[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]
Crow [as Announcer]: Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]
Sherman: Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here!
Crow [as Sherman]: These things make everything look bigger!

[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]
Joel [as Sherman]: I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!

[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the SOL.]
Crow, Servo: [singing]
Killer shrew! Killer shrew!
Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you!
He comes out at night to give you a fright.
Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite!
Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh
Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew!
He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough.
He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff!

[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]
Servo: Puppies!

Hercules Unchained[edit]

[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]
Joel [as Announcer]: Hardly any animals were hurt in the making of this movie.

[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]
Crow [as Ulysses]: I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
Servo: When Kennedys ruled Greece.

Indestructible Man[edit]

Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)[edit]

Indestructible Man (movie)[edit]

[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]
Joel: Only millions of Christians.

[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]
Joel: He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's.
Crow [as Chaney]: Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints...

[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]
Servo: Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man.

Hercules Against the Moon Men[edit]

[Repeated Lines]
Dr. Forrester and Frank: DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!

[Alan Steele rides high in the saddle]
Servo: Yes, Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of me all day long!

Crow [as Soldier/Little Caesar]: Pizza, pizza.

Crow [as Princess]: Herc, you gonna help us move?
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs me my life.
Hercules: Now see them both safely back to the city.
Servo [as Hercules]: Even if it costs you my life.

[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]
Joel: It's the Monsters of Rock Tour!

[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]
Servo [as a rock monster]: Don't let him get you over his head!

[Shot of barren moonscape]
Servo:We seem to be in some sort of Limbo zone.
Crow: Rush Limbaugh?
Joel: No, that would be more like Hell.

[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]
Servo: Hey, baby, wanna get stoned?
Crow [as Bob Dylan]: Everybody must get stoned!

Joel: [reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper] Cambot, put this up on stillstore, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...?
Crow: [matter-of-factly] It's really not that good!
Joel: Come with me, mister! [grabs Crow by the net and drags him offscreen]
Crow: AAAAAAGH!

The Magic Sword[edit]

Dr. Forrester: Well Jimmy Smits, your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of Bert I Gordon. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring sword and sorcery, Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed Basil Rathbone.

[The knights face an ogre.]
Joel: Teddy Ruxpin, no!

[George fights a two-headed dragon.]
Joel: Lighten up, they’re just puppets!
Crow: Hey...
Joel: Sorry.

[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]
Crow: I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy.

[Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]
Crow: [singing] She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT!
Tom Servo: EEAUGHHH!
Crow: [continues singing, ignoring Tom] She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED!

Hercules and the Captive Women[edit]

[Gypsy makes a rare theater apperance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]
Gypsy: Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting!
Joel: [trying to hide his amusement] Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie.
Gypsy: [catching herself] Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry...

[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]
Gypsy: Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!
Joel: [impressed] All right, Gypsy! Good one!

[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]
Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing] The Simpsons...

Manhunt in Space[edit]

General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)[edit]

[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]
Crow: Ah, here comes Nurse-feratu.

[ Dr. Steve Hardy appears on-screen.]
Crow: Hey, he was old even then!

Manhunt in Space (movie)[edit]

[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]
Servo: Look! It's the MST3K logo!
Joel: [aside] Uh, you're not supposed to know about that...
Servo: Oh, uh...
[Servo whistles innocently.]

Tormented[edit]

[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]
Vi: Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
Crow: Bingo!
. . .
[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]
Vi: Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
Servo [as Tom Stewart]: What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
Vi: Save me, Tom, please!
Joel: Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.

[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]
Tom: Meg's mad at me.
Sandy: She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
Tom: O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
Joel: Put her down, Jerry Lee!

The Beatniks[edit]

General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)[edit]

Ken: Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.
Servo [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]: Yeah, he's a big rabbit, you see, there...

The Beatniks (movie)[edit]

Eddie [singing]: Anything...
Joel: ...Is better than this crap!

Fire Maidens of Outer Space[edit]

[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]
Crow: Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
Joel: Oh… why?
Crow: Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he dies.
Servo: What?!
. . .
[An example of Crow Syndrome.]
Joel: Well, anyway, with double entendre, you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: [suggestively] "Say — does this TV have a remote? Mmmmm!"
Servo: Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: [suggestively] "Say — check out the arms on this jumpsuit!" Right?
Joel: Oh, right on! Woo-hoo!
Servo: All right, yeah!
Joel: [suggestively] "As far as I know, Lincoln's not President anymore!"
Servo: Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [suggestively] "She came back from the store with a bag of apples, and a loaf of bread!"
Joel: Mmm-mmm-mmm!
Crow: I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—"
Joel: Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.
Crow: Oh, uh…
[Timmy mutters something else into Crow's ear.]
Crow: H-here's one! "A grinder in der—"
Joel: Ah, Crow! No!
Crow: Oh. Well, I'm not sayin' it — it's, it's Timmy who's sayin' it.
Joel: Well, listen, I think you better learn how to play with each other, all right?
Servo: [suggestively] Say, Joel… we got Commercial Sign!
Joel: [suggestively] And now, a word from our sponsor. Poom!
Crow: She's built like a brick shi—
Joel: Crow!
Crow: … show— boat. Showboat.

[There is a scuffle as Servo battles Timmy after getting agitated by him]

Joel: Hey! Tom, what the hell? You didn't tell me that Tommy was in here!
Crow: Timmy!
Joel: He's not supposed to be in the theater, y'know!
Crow: Hey!
Joel: All right, knock it off, there's no rough-housing in here!
Servo: I'm choking! I'm choking! I'm choking! Choking! Ahhh! H-He-Help! HE-MMMMPH!
{Servo's muffled sobs and cries of 'HMMMMMLPH!' are heard offscreen]
Crow: Joel, he's trying to kill Tom Servo!
Joel: You go out to the bridge, stay frosty! I've got a plan!

[Crow exits stage left; Joel stage right, which leads to...]

[On the SOL bridge, Servo is trapped in an Alien-like cocoon, while Crow fights Timmy.]
Servo: [moaning] Kill me! Kill me! Kil— [normally] Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?
Crow: I'm a little busy now, Servo!
. . .
[As Joel and Crow try to expel Timmy from the SOL…]
Servo: Okay, don't kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though!
Crow: Oh, shut up!
Joel, Servo, Crow (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder!

Crash of the Moons[edit]

General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)[edit]

[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]
Phil: And you choose to make a life with Ken?
Cynthia: Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.
Joel [as Cynthia]: Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…

Crash of the Moons (movie)[edit]

[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]
Rocky: [cadence-calling] Hut, 2, 3, 4!
Servo [as Rocky]: We are in a crappy film…
Joel, Crow [as Men]: We are in a crappy film…

[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]
Rocky: They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.
Cleolanta: They will tell me where to take my people?!
Rocky: No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.
Joel, Servo: [singing] For yooooou!

Attack of the the Eye Creatures[edit]

[Upon seeing the mispelling in the film's title]
Joel: Attack of the the Eye Creatures? What, did Mel Tillis write these titles?

[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]
Air Force Officer: Now take off!
Joel:...to the great White North!

Harold's Girlfriend: Ooh, Harold!
Servo [as Harold]: Ooh, Maude!

Susan: What if we turned ourselves in to the police?
Servo [as Stan]: Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges!

[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]
Crow: [singing] I've got Sammy Davis eyes! [a la Rip Taylor] I've got a million of them! Literally!

[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]
Joel: Now why doesn't that work with relatives?

[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]
Crow: The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having no spoken language and no particular powers with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
. . .
Joel: Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
. . .
Crow: If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply draped casually over his shoulders and should be no trouble to knock off! [...] Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his Jack Purcell athletic shoes! Folks, they just did not care!
...
Dr. Forrester: They did too care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?
TV's Frank: Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- your vision! -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, days -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?
"Larry Buchanan": (Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)

The Rebel Set[edit]

Johnny at the Fair (short)[edit]

Narrator: Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny's car rolled and burned.
Narrator: There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.
Joel: Simulated culture like Disneyland.

Narrator: "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."
Servo [as Mom]: And you'll like it!
Crow [as Johnny]: No! I don't wanna go!

Narrator: ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything.
Servo [as Narrator]: Besides, the Mariners are playing, so who cares?
Narrator: Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, Joe Louis.
Crow [as Narrator]: Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.

Narrator: Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".
Joel: Oh, we've all been there.

[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]
Joel: Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]
Narrator: Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
Crow [as Narrator]: The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.

[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]
Narrator: "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"
Servo: What?
Narrator: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Servo [as Narrator]: Visions of the Mekong Delta flash before Johnny's eyes.

[Champion figure skater Barbara Ann Scott gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]
Crow [as Narrator]: "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
Narrator: Johnny does find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
Servo [as Narrator]: Johnny thinks Amelia Earhart seems like a nice lady.

The Rebel Set (movie)[edit]

The Human Duplicators[edit]

[The title screen displays the title backwards...]
Crow: Eht Numah Srotacilpud!
[...then "duplicates" it normally.]
Crow: ...Oh.

Gale: So say something!
Crow [as Martin]: "Something!"
Martin: "Something."
Crow: D'oh! ...Got riffback on that one.

[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]
Joel: Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
Servo: Neat!
[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.

[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]
Servo: Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
Joel: I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner!
[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Crow: Oh, don't hit me.

[Welles (played by Hugh Beaumont) answers his phone.]
Welles: Welles here.
Crow [as Welles/Ward Cleaver]: The boys did what? They duplicated Lumpy?

[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]
Crow [as Welles]: There's somethin' plastic about that guy...

[Kolos, played by Richard Kiel, "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]
Servo [as Kolos]: I'm huge.

[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]
Servo [as the Professor, quickly]: Oh my God, you're huge.

Monster A Go-Go[edit]

Circus on Ice (short)[edit]

[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]
Joel: You got your circus on my ice!
Crow: Hey, you got your ice on my circus!
Servo: Two bad things that go worse together!
[Referencing a Reese's Peanut Butter Cups ad campaign.]

Servo: [in response to a clown on screen] Woah, seen him in my nightmares...

[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]
Servo: [singing]
These two girls, they make quite a pair.
They both come from your worst night-mare.
They will haunt your soul forever,
And now,
When you see pink,
You're gonna think,
"We're doomed".
They are agents of Satan...
Joel: [laughing] Okay, stop it, Tom...

[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]
Servo: We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.
Crow [as Narrator]: Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!
. . .
Narrator: And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!
Servo: [nervously chuckling] Uh-huh...
. . .
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!

[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]
Servo: Prelude to the afternoon of a murder.
. . .
Crow [as Child]: Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... [gulps] I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
Servo [as Mother]: Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's fun!
. . .
Joel: Oh, and she skates over her own intestines.

[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]
Narrator: And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...and kills them.

Monster A Go-Go (movie)[edit]

[Over the film's title]
Servo: Monster A Go-Go? I thought this was gonna be Munster Go Home!
. . .
Joel: You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.
Crow: Oh, it might not be too bad...
Servo: No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.
Joel: Yeah...
Crow: [sighs indignantly] C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!
Joel: No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.
Crow: Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.
Servo: It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.
Joel: Yeah, we might as well face up to it...
Crow: Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything now, but...

[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]
Joel: [reading] The Other Th?

[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]
Crow: [enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck.

[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]
Servo: Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.

[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]
Joel [as Dr. Logan]: That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.

[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]
Dr. Brent: Why didn't you tell us then?
Dr. Logan: I don't know. I was trying to help.
Servo: [whining] I was just trying to help.
Dr. Brent: Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!
Dr. Logan: What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I'm only a scientist!

[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]
Joel: [in disbelief] Unbelieveable...
[Tom bursts out into laughter]
Dr. Logan: Hello? [A pause] Yes?
Crow [as Dr. Logan]: I made that phone noise.

[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]
Crow [as Col. Connors]: [makes a fart noise] What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!

Narrator: There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...
Servo: "Oops".
Narrator: ..."radiation".
Servo: Oh.

Narrator: As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...
Tom Servo: As if we cared.
Narrator: Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
Joel: Oh, the joke's on us!
Crow: Boooooo!

[Joel realizes how depressing the movie was and is trying to cheer up the 'bots when Servo begins to cry.]
Joel: Hey, w-what's wrong?
Servo: Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local Christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
Crow: Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
Servo: Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!
[Servo and Crow both begin bawling.]

The Day the Earth Froze[edit]

[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]
Joel: We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.

Here Comes the Circus (short)[edit]

[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]
Crow: Heeere comes the Devil!
Servo: It's Beezlebub the Clown!
Joel: Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?

Narrator: There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals.
[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]
Crow: And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...

[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]
Servo: It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!

[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]
Servo: Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
Joel: Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
Servo: Oops.
Crow: Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!
. . .
Joel: Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?
Servo: How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
Joel: That's better.
Crow: It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.
Servo: Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.
[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]
Joel: Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
Servo: That's good.
Joel: No, it really is.
Servo: Whatever, Joel.
. . .
[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]
Joel: See? Emmett changed management soon after this.
[Shot of the crowd cheering]
Crow [as crowd]: We love it when he eats!

[As a trapeze artist swings]
Joel: It's a living!
Crow: Mother, please come home!
Servo: Yes, our Betty swings both ways!
Joel: Oh, stop it!
Servo: She does! Look!
Joel: Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
Crow: This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.

[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]
Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]: Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!
Crow: Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
Servo: This one's on the rebound.

[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]
Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
. . .
Crow: Flipped her off.

Narrator: The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!
Servo: ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.

Servo: Store this image away for a later nightmare.

[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]
Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move.
Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right.

[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]
Servo: Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it clown-style! No!
[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]
Crow: Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!
Joel: Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.
[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]
Crow [as Clown]: More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.

[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]
Joel [as Narrator]: Hank Kimball's brought in.
Crow [as Hank Kimball]: Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...

[A clown rings a bell.]
Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook!
[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]
Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
Servo [as clown]: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!
Crow [as Richard Burton]: Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]
Crow: KITTIES!

[As trapeze artists fly through the air]
Joel: I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?
. . .
Joel [as trapeze artist]: Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!
Servo: Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...
Crow [as trapeze artist]: Party in Susan's dressing room!

[Over the "The End" card]
Joel: Ah, my favorite part of the circus.

The Day the Earth Froze (movie)[edit]

[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]
Servo [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent] If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...
Crow [as Lemminkäinen]: [singing with Norwegian accent] I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...

[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]
Louhi, the witch: Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
Crow: Can we see the other parts?
Servo: Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!

[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]
Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!
Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me!

[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul!

[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]
Louhi: Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo?
Joel: Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order...

[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]
Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.
Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]
Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]
Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!
Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!

[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]
Joel: What is this, "Stalag 17: The Musical?"

Bride of the Monster[edit]

Hired! Part 1 (short)[edit]

[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]
Crow: Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the Bush administration.

[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern.]
Servo [as Warren]: Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
Joel [as Warren]: Hmm? What in the world?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!
Crow [as Warren]: A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!

Bride of the Monster (movie)[edit]

[Lobo (Tor Johnson) scares away some people during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]
Crow: Tor! Close your mouth before you drown!

[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]
Crow: Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts!

[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay.]
Capt. Robbins: [solemnly] He tampered in God's domain.
Crow: Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.

Manos: The Hands of Fate[edit]

[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]
Joel, Servo, Crow: Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!

Hired! Part 2 (short)[edit]

[The short begins]
Crow: Previously on "Hired!"

[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]
Joel [as Warren]: We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
Mr. Warren: Sales are the most important thing in this business.
Servo [as Warren]: Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.
Mr. Warren: We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.
Joel [as Warren]: But first — martinis!
Mr. Warren: Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.
Crow [as Warren]: 'Cause you've got the most problems.

[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]
Mr. Warren: I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.
Jimmy: Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.
Crow [as Jimmy]: Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that?

[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]
Joel: Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter!

[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]
Joel [as Senator McCarthy ]: Are you now, or have you ever been, a Ford owner?

Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie)[edit]

Servo: So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right?
Joel: No, actually, it's more like a minute.
Servo: [stunned] ...No.

[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]
Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.

Michael: Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago.
Crow: Maybe it's Brigadoon.

Joel: You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.

[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]
Joel: Ah… that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?
. . .
Servo: Like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.

[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]
Joel [as Michael]: Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!

[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]
Crow [as The Master]: What was I thinking?
Joel [as Announcer]: Women who lunch.
Servo [as Announcer]: And the Manos who love them — next Donahue.
. . .
Joel: You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.
Servo: ...and now, back to We Married Manos!

[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]
Crow: Well, the talks broke down at this point.
Servo: Looks like the Russian Parliament.
Joel [as Announcer]: Next on ESPN, full contact nightgown wrestling!
Crow: Designing Women, the lost episodes.
Servo [as Prof. Canning]: And now, the Manos Women's Guild will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel: You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow: I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants!
. . .
Servo: You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata!
. . .
Joel:You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
. . .
Crow: It's the Wilson Phillips breakup.
. . .
Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.

The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!
The Master: Silence!
Joel: Is golden!

[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]
Joel: [snapping] DO SOMETHING!!! God!

Servo: Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the Copacabana, Jules Bedel proudly presents: Pat Benatar and Tricia Nixon!

[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]
Servo: [singing to "Smoke on the Water"] Smoke on the weirdo…
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: Come here.
Joel: The new Pope has not been chosen.

[During a driving scene]
Joel: Meanwhile, in Toledo...
Servo: No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?
. . .
Crow: This must be a weekly series.

[As the end credits roll...]
Crow: Crew? They had a crew!? I do not believe they had a crew!
Joel: Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
Servo: Where to start?

Servo: If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas.

[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]
Crow: The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!
Joel: No. Always wonder.
[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]
Servo: COME ON!
[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]
Servo: Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!
Joel: We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
[They leave the theater.]

[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]
Frank: Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm!
[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]
Torgo: They always do that!

Season 5[edit]

Warrior of the Lost World[edit]

Nastasia: Do you want survival?
Joel [as Sally Struthers]: Sure, we all do!

[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]
Crow [as henchman]: Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that!

["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]
Joel, Crow, Servo: Megaweapon… Megaweapon… Megaweapon…

[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]
Crow: She's got a Lady Hemingway! [N]

[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]
Joel: John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john.

Hercules[edit]

[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]
Joel: Attack of the Mary Martins! [N]

[Hercules is choking a lion.]
Joel [as lion]: Aww, Herc, I was kidding.

[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]
Joel [as a cavalry man]: Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD!

(A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through)
Crow:There will be patches of scattered god today

Swamp Diamonds[edit]

What to Do on a Date (short)[edit]

[The titles appear.]
Crow: I need to know what not to do on a date! Hahaha!
[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]
Servo: What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
Joel: Oh no, this is like having your mom talk to you about sex!

Nick: Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
Joel [as Kay]: How many ways can I say "no"?!
Kay: Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to very much.
Crow [as Kay]: Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
. . .
Nick: I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a date.
Joel [as Nick]: … with a loser like me.
Nick: Where's my racket?
Servo [as Nick]: I should spank myself.

[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]
Joel: Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow.

Narrator: How does Jeff get ideas like that?
Servo [as Narrator]: From the voices inside his head.
[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]
Narrator: Wait a minute, maybe this is where Jeff gets his ideas!
Joel: The lunch menu?

[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]
Servo: Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.

Joel: Ice cream? I love this party!

Crow [as Narrator]: Had this been an actual date, you would have been instructed where to go.

Swamp Diamonds (movie)[edit]

[During one of the many, many girl fights.]
Crow: Beverly Garland's bra! I have seen the Promised Land!

Secret Agent Super Dragon[edit]

[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]
Crow: [excited] Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He smokes, carries a gun, and... [deflating] makes a lot of... phone calls...

The Magic Voyage of Sinbad[edit]

[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]
Crow [as someone in the crowd]: Howard Johnson is right!

[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]
Joel: It's noon and he's still filibustering!

[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]
Crow: They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi.

[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]
Crow: They look like the Knights Who Say "Ni!"

Eegah[edit]

[Roxy walks up to her little car.]
Crow [as Roxy]: Taxi! ...Oh, I drove.
. . .
Servo: Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse.

[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely Arch Hall, Jr., looks up.]
Crow: Honk if you love Eegah!
Tommy: Hi, Roxie!
Joel [as Tommy]: Sorry about my face!!

[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]
Crow: Ow!
Joel: Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
Servo: [patronizingly] Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh [aside to Crow] Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
Joel: I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that Hell started to bubble over and flood the earth.
Crow: I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the bubonic plague? World Wars? Stalin?
Joel: Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of Adolf Hitler?
Crow: Well, I hate him, naturally.
Joel: Okay, now what do you think of the band Styx?
Crow: Well, they had a couple of decent... [realization sets in] Oh, my God, you're right!
Servo: I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with Christopher Cross.
Joel: Yeah, and remember the time Charlie Weaver died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
Crow: Or when they 86'd Jarts!
Servo: I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!
Crow: Using Joe Camel to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
Joel: Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time Denis Leary released No Cure For Cancer as an album, or when Vicki Lawrence won a Grammy for "The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia"?
Servo: I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.
Crow: Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
Joel: Yeah, and how about the Charlene Tilton workout video?
Servo: Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?
Joel: Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to Yahoo Serious.
Crow: I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like Moses and the Israelites.
Servo: Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!
Crow [as Goliath]: Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?

[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]
Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
Servo: He's wearing corrective everything!

[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]
Tommy: Roxie! It's me, Tom!
Joel [as Roxie]: That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!

[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]
Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
Dr. Miller: [ dubbed voiceover ] Watch out for snakes!
Servo: Who said that?!

[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]
Joel: Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]: Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.

[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]
Joel: I figured it out, he looks like the bat from FernGully.

[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]
Roxie: Um... how do you do?
Crow [as corpse]: I'm really, really dead.

[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]
Joel: Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!

[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]
Joel: Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
Crow: That purse will be the death of him!

[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]
Crow [as Eegah]: [singing] Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
Crow and Servo: [in unison] EEGAH SHUCKA! EEGAH! EEGAH!
Joel: [singing] I can't fight this feelin'...

[Over a shot of a dress store]:
Crow: It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
Joel [as Announcer]: The Loretta Young Show!
[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]

Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]: Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! [chuckles] Why not stick around and watch Dream On? It's the breast show on TV! [to Joel] Kill me.

I Accuse My Parents[edit]

The Truck Farmer (short)[edit]

[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]
Joel: Easter Bunny films presents...
Servo: "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.
Crow: Wonder if they sold this film door to door?

Narrator: Most of us think that these people were really free...
Joel [as Narrator]: But they were just stupid!

[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]
Crow: Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!
Servo: Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?
Crow [as driver]: Stupid trees! God, I hate them.
Joel: Early tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.
Crow: Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.
Servo: The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!

Joel, Crow, Servo: [singing to the Speed Racer theme]
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer!
Go, Speed Farmer, go!
. . .
Servo: There's something you don't see every day.
Joel: What's that?
Servo: A farmer with all his limbs!

[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]
Servo: Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin.

[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]
Narrator: A complicated system of irrigation is used.
Joel: Oh, real complicated.

Narrator: Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.
Crow: They make it sound so nice!
. . .
[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]
Joel [as Narrator]: A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.

Narrator: The carrots are washed first.
Crow [as Narrator]: They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!

Narrator: Some carrots are frozen.
Crow: Some carrots are humiliated publicly.

Narrator: Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...
Crow: Texans.

[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]
Narrator: The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.

[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]
Joel: Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet?

I Accuse My Parents (movie)[edit]

[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corportation) logo...]
Servo: Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents...

[As the title appears]
Crow: The John Bradshaw story!

[During the title sequence]
Servo: [singing] They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now...

[During Jimmy's trial...]
Jimmy: Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...
Joel [as Jimmy]: ...but I'm Esther Rolle!
Jimmy: But... I accuse my parents!
[Everyone applauds.]
Servo: Yes! We have a title!

Kitty: [singing] Are you happy...
Crow: Define "happy!"
Kitty: ...In your work...
Joel: Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...

[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]
Kitty: You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.
Servo [as Jimmy]: Eighteen, after taxes!

[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]
Servo [as Kitty]: If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!
Crow: I accuse her hair!

Operation Double 007[edit]

[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of Neil Connery...]
Joel: [singing] He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
Crow: [singing] He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
Tom Servo: [singing] His favorite movie is Turner and Hooch!

[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]
Joel: All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple.

[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]
Mr. Thayer: Everything will go on, as if nothing happened.
Joel: Nothing has happened...

The Girl in Lovers Lane[edit]

[Singing to the opening credits theme]
Servo: The Girl in Lover's Lane...
Crow: With Jack Elam, not Jack LaLanne!

[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]
Danny: I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
Bix: That's a good idea.
Servo [as Bix]: You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
[The two enter a diner.]
Joel [as Danny]: We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?
Crow [as Bix]: Shut up, Danny.
Joel [as Danny]: Oh.

[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]
Crow T. Robot: [singing]
The 5:15 from Duluth,
Oh my! It just derailed!
The toxic waste is spillin',
The conductor's been impaled.
A benzene cloud has risen
And the whole town's startin' to cough.
Joel, Servo: [to the beat] [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
Crow: [singing]
Within a matter of day-eeez,
All of our skin will fall off.

[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]]
Crow: To live like the E-lam...

The Painted Hills[edit]

Body Care and Grooming (short)[edit]

[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]
Joel: Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
Servo [as TV announcer]: Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops.

[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]
Narrator: Ah, spring!
Crow [as Narrator]: Filthy, shameful spring!
. . .
Joel: You know, people were whiter back then.
Narrator: When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
Crow: Underpants.
Narrator: ...Love.
Crow: Oh.

[Shot of slovenly girl.]
Narrator: Look at that hair!
Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!
Narrator: And that blouse!
Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
. . .
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.
. . .
Crow: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
Crow [as young man]: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!

[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]
Narrator: Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—
Servo [as the Narrator]: Is immoral.
Narrator: —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
Crow: Expressing individualism is just plain wrong.

Narrator: Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.
Crow: Skin sucks.

Narrator: One of these is cleansing cream.
Servo [as Narrator]: One of these is nitric acid. Choose wisely.

[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]
Narrator: And so... the end of a perfect day.
Joel [as Narrator]: An entire day spent grooming.
. . .
Narrator: And you...
Joel [as Narrator]: Jezebel!
Narrator: ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
Crow [as Narrator]: And remember—when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.
[As we fade out...]
Joel: KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!
Crow: You're next!
[A few more names appear]
Servo: [sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!

The Painted Hills (movie)[edit]

[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]
Joel: Yeah, I'm afraid we're gonna be true bored men after this...

Crow: Now, is this the real Old West, or the Roy Rogers Old West where they had electricity and cars?

Jonathan: Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked!
Crow [as Jonathan]: But enough vernacular...

Taylor: Never mind the dog, Tommy...
Servo [as Taylor]: Here's the Sex Pistols.

[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]
Tom: How did that corral get there?
Crow: They used CorelDraw.

[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]
Crow: Mount Rushmore!...Before it was built.

[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]
Joel [as Taylor]: Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.

[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]
Crow: So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.

Crow [as Shep]: SNAUSAGES!

Gunslinger[edit]

Dr. Forrester: [Stopping his Brain Scan on TV's Frank and looking at the Camera] Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Doddy period.
TV's Frank: Beverly Garland [growls, but is cut off by another scan]
Dr. Forrester: And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. [turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly] Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama.

[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]]
Joel: [As the criminals start moving.]] Ah, cue the horses!
Crow: [Under his breath]] Corman...
Servo: [As the criminals stop] Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us?

[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]
Joel: You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
Servo: Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.

Joel: Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it.

[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]
Crow: Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
Cain: Crazy coming up in here...
Joel [as Cain]: ...in my hallway here.

Cain: Only the good die young.
Servo: Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.

[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]
Joel [as Polk]: Draw, er... wait a sec!
[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.]
Crow: [As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
Tom: Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?

[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]
Cain: [drunkenly] You got brown eyes...
Servo [as Cain]: [drunkenly] An' you got a neck.
. . .
Tom [as Cain]: Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!

Mitchell[edit]

[The character of Mike Nelson has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in Deep 13.]
Dr. Forrester: Here it is. Mitchell, starring Joe Don Baker
Mike Nelson: You guys watch Joe Don Baker movies?

Dr. Forrester: Well, here it comes, Joel — Mitchell! It's a… super secret spy… uh, has a motorcyclemarooned in space… meets… Hercules… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!

[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a disco beat.]
Servo [as Isaac Hayes]: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Joel, Crow: Mitchell!
Servo [as Hayes]: That Mitchell is one fat s—
Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Servo [as Hayes]: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!

[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]
Servo: Ee-gah...
Crow: Shtemlo.
Joel: Watch out for snakes!
Servo [as Announcer]: We've hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture...
Crow [as Announcer]: Mitchell, will you stand up, please?

[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]
Benton: No salesmen at this entrance.
Servo [as Mitchell]: But I'm not a salesman! I'm the Chubby Blue Line!

[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]
Crow: Daryl Gates on his day off.
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: He's landed just short of the green.
Servo [as Other Golfers]: Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!

[A kid on skateboard skates up to Mitchell's car where he's sitting.]
Kid: Hi.
Mitchell: Hi.
Kid: Are you the man from the insurance?
Mitchell: Nope.
Kid: He came last night.
Mitchell: Yeah?
Kid: My mother doesn't like you.
Mitchell: I don't like your mother.
Kid: Why not?
Mitchell: Why not?
Kid: No, why not?
Mitchell: No, why not?
Kid: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Servo: Tonight on Crossfire.
Mitchell: Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
Kid: I'm not.
Mitchell: Well, I'm not.
Kid: You are.
Mitchell: Buzz off.
Kid: What?
Mitchell: What?
Kid: What did you say?
Mitchell: What you say?
Kid: Did you say something?
Servo: [Frustrated] AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Mitchell: You say something?
Kid: You said buzz off.
Mitchell: You're lying through your teeth.
Kid: You're lying through your teeth.
Mitchell: Buzz off, huh?
Kid: Buzz off!
Mitchell: Buzz off, kid!!

[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]
Joel: Baby oil!
Joel, Crow, Servo: BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
Servo: [vomiting noises]
Crow: Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?
[In the soundtrack, Hoyt Axton continues to sing the theme song.]
Axton: My my my my Mitchell...
Crow: My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!

Deaney: How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?
Crow [as Mitchell]: Uh, by the quart.

[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]
Hoyt Axton: [singing] My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
Crow: She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"

[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]
Servo [as Mitchell]: Why did I do that?

[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]
Joel [as Mitchell]: Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!

[After Joel has escaped and the Bots are panicking, cut to Deep 13 where Frank is staring slack-jawed at the camera, then ponders his keys which Mike had borrowed earlier.]
Dr. Forrester: [walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair] Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
Frank: Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
Dr. Forrester: Yeah?
Frank: Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
Dr. Forrester: Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--WHAT?? Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?
[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]
Frank: Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
Dr. Forrester: Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, nooo! Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
Frank: Well, let's just hope he landed on Yahoo Serious.
Dr. Forrester: Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--Frank! Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
Frank: Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
Dr. Forrester: Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into space?
[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]
Mike: Can you guys sign my time card?
[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]
Dr. Forrester: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
Frank: Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
Mike: C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
Dr. Forrester: Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank!
[As Dr. F puts his arm around an uncomfortable Mike, Frank turns to look at the camera, puzzled, as he pushes the button and the screen fades to black.]
Dr. Forrester: Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?
Mike: Ehh...

The Brain That Wouldn't Die[edit]

[In the operating room...]
Bill's Father: I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
Servo [as Bill's Father]: 'Cuz he got me as his doctor.

[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]
Bill: You have the keys to your car?
[Cut to them driving.]
Crow: The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
Servo [as announcer]: The Long, Long Trailer!

[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]
Mike: Hey, that was my prom theme!
Servo [as Cortner]: Stop sign, what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]
Crow [as Cortner]: Aughhh! The road is attacking me!

[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?
. . .
Servo [as Jan]: [muffled] You just had to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a body anymore! Are you happy?
. . .
[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]
Mike [as Sports Announcer]: Riggins is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
Crow: He's either gonna win the Nobel Prize or the Heisman Trophy.

[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]
Crow [with British accent]: Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much!

[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]
Mike [as Cortner]: Well, she can't have a cardboard body. I've ruled that out.
Crow [as Cortner]: [pervertedly] Saaay, this could actually be an upgrade...
Servo [as Cortner]: Well, it's nice and all, but I want something sleazy.
[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a greasy spoon), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]
Mike: If Jack Ruby owned a Denny's.
. . .
Servo [as Maître d']: Welcome to the Diane Arbus Cafe.

[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]
Crow: Doesn't she need lungs?
Servo: No, she's got neck juice!

[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]
Crow [as Jan]: Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!

[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]
Jan: Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
Servo: Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me!

[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtack continues the porny sax music.]
Servo [as Radio DJ]: [sultrily] It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, Holmes and Reems in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.

[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]
Mike [as Announcer]: Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
Servo [as Cortner]: I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!

[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]
Mike [as Radio DJ]: Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!
Servo: [echoing, hushed] K-PORN!

[The monster, having escaped the closet earlier, bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]
Servo [as Monster]: That's one nasty McNugget! Ew!

Teen-Age Strangler[edit]

Is This Love? (short)[edit]

[Reading the title card]
Servo: Is this love, or is it just rough sex with Michael Douglas?

[Inside the college dorm room]
Servo: So... Where's Waldo?
Mike: He's under the bed.
[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]
Crow: Geez! How many times was she held back?
Servo: Heh heh heh.
Liz: Hi, Peg!
[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]
Mike [as Peg]: Hi, Mom.

Peg: I think I'll send a telegram instead.
Liz: Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
Mike [as Liz]: Well, I've known her for fifty years…

Liz: Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
Peg: Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
Mike [as Peg]: He's anatomically correct, and everything!
Peg: It's the real thing.
Liz: I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
Servo [as Liz]: ...at the turn of the century.

[The short is ending.]
Narrator: How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
Servo: Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?
Narrator: How can you tell? Is this love?
Crow: You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.
[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]
Mike: And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
Crow: No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.
[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]
Servo: "How Much Affection?"
Crow: "When Should I Marry?"
[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]
Mike: "Know Your Ointments"
Servo: "What's That Down There?"
Crow: "When He Wants It Rough"
Mike: "Procreation, Not Recreation"
Servo: "Oh No, Pleasure!"
Crow: "McClintock!"

Teen-Age Strangler (movie)[edit]

[As a girl is strangled]
Crow: Splendor in the Grass 2: Dream Warrior!

The Wild Wild World of Batwoman[edit]

Cheating (short)[edit]

[Reading the opening cards]
Servo: Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
Crow: A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!

[The short opens over a large clock.]
Servo [as radio announcer]: The Jack Benny Program!
[The clock strikes ominously.]
Mike: [deeply] Ebenezer Scrooge...

[A phone rings.]
Crow: For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.
[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]
Servo: Oh, the foley guy must be calling!

Johnny: Why don't they call?
Crow: Because they don't like you.

Crow: Mother Teresa called. She hates you.

Mary: The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?
Crow [as John]: Aw, let's just cheat!
John: x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]
Servo [as Mary]: Nobody home, huh?
John: Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
Mike [as Mary]: John, this is geography!

Narrator: And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.
Crow: Split it open now!
Narrator: You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.
Servo: On a doily.
Narrator: So you decided to take a chance.
[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]
Servo [as Johnny]: [loudly] Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?

[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]
Mike [as Narrator]: Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.
[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]
Servo [as Miss Grandy]: This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.

Narrator: Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?
Crow: Or was it lust?

Narrator: Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.
[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]
Servo [as Johnny]: Oh, hi Miss Grandy— EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!

Narrator: And most of all, your new job as student council representative.
[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]
Crow [as Johnny]: I envision a cheating wing!

[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]
Servo [as Miss Grandy]: I smell a big Commie rat.
Miss Grandy: John, bring it up here, please.
[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]
Crow [as loudspeaker]: PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!
[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]
Servo: Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!
. . .
Crow: And so Dana Plato's career begins.

[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]
Mike, Crow, Servo: Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!

Narrator: But did John truly intend to be dishonest?
Servo: Or was he just pure evil?

[A question mark appears on-screen.]
Crow [as the Riddler]: Riddle me this, Batman! [cackles]

[Over the "The End" card]
Mike: The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!

The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie)[edit]

[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]
Mike: Hey, I have my 40-year TV medallion.
Servo: [singing] What do you do when you're branded?
Crow: [singing] You watch TV.

[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]
Servo: I'm as mad as hell!...

[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]
Mike: Holy cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!

Crow: They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button!

[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]
Mike: Oh, Donald.



[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]
Crow: Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!
Servo: So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?
[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]
Mike: Whahappa?
Servo [as TV announcer]: Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!
[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [in a dull voice] Tequila.
Crow: Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.

[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]
Man: Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.
Mike: Simpson, eh?

[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from The Mole People.]
Crow: [confused] Wha— that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!
Mike: You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!
Servo: You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!

Crow: You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the Monkees look good!

[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]
Mike: Maybe they'll all turn into butter.

Crow: So, Mike. This is Hell.
Mike: Yep.
Crow: Mike, I demand that you kill me.
Servo: Me too.
Mike: No. [a beat] Will you kill me?

[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]
Crow: Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here!

[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]"
Servo: Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman.

[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]
Servo: [screaming] ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!
[And now, at last, the film ends.]
Mike: [defeated and unimpressed] What a wild wild world!
Crow: Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!

Alien from L.A.[edit]

[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]
Crow: Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or Sir to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son?
Mike: [weakly] Sir, yes sir.
Crow: I didn't hear you, ladybritches!
Mike: I said sir, yes sir!
Servo: [in pieces on the table] Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch Sisters!
Crow: You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh?
Servo: [sarcastically] Ooh, ooh, I'm scared...
Mike: Hey Crow, c'mon...
Crow: I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath!
Mike: Uh, This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine.
Crow: And what is the name of your robot, boy?
Servo: Servo! Tom Servo!
Crow: I don't believe I was addressing you, Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and give me twenty, Corporal?
Servo: Uh, 'cause I can't?
Crow: Well, now, you just bought yourself two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!
Mike: Uh, we'll be right back.
Crow: I heard that, Pyle! You piece of filth!
Servo: Well, several pieces, actually...

[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]
Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
Servo [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction.
. . .
Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
Mike [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.

[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]
Mike: That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger!

[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]
Crow: Hey it's the Blue Mosque!
Servo: No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.
Crow: Have you been to Istanbul?
Servo: THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL!

[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]
Mike [as Wanda]: Ah! Swimsuit issue!
Crow [as Wanda]: This whole room smells like my eyes!

[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]
Wanda: Dad?
Mike: Look, your dad's not responsible for everything that happens in the world!

Crow [as Kathy Ireland]: This door sounds brown!

[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]
Crow: Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!

[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]
Charmin: Wait a minute...is that really your voice?
Servo: [irritated] Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could!

Beginning of the End[edit]

[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]
Crow [as soldier]: One weekend a month my ass!

[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]
Crow [as Grasshopper]: They got Jiminy! Get em!
. . .
Mike [as general]: We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to grasshoppers, people!

[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]
Crow [as general]: I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God!
. . .
[As the grasshopper breaks free, Peter Graves's character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]
Crow: Pete! Pete! Short, controlled bursts!

[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]
Servo: When Brian Eno ruled Chicago.

[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]
Mike: Guys, this is so not Illinois.

The Atomic Brain[edit]

What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)[edit]

[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]
Tom Servo: [gasps] They flattened him!

[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]
Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]: Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!

[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?
. . .
Servo [as Walter Winchell]: Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!

[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]
Angry City Councilman: We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!
Servo [as Councilman]: Kill 'em all!

[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]
Servo: It's Prince's new name, isn't it?
Crow: No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name!

The Atomic Brain (movie)[edit]

[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]'
Mike: Hey, wait a minute!
Crow: She's nude!
Servo: Lady...

[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]
Crow: She's SORT-OF ALIVE!

[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]
Servo: [giggling] And she floats gently to her death!

[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]
Crow [as Hetty/Dr. Strangelove]: Mein Fuehrer! I can walk!

[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]
Servo: So, Mike, where's the atomic brain?
Mike: I don't know...

Outlaw[edit]

[Over the title screen]:
Crow: [excited] With Jane Russell? Oh please oh please oh please oh please...
Mike: No, don't get your hopes up.

[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]
Crow: I hate this movie already.

[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]
Crow: It's Commissioner Gordon calling!

Watney: You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot?
Mike [as Watney]: You just put your lips together and drink!

[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]
Mike: Any chance Barney Rubble there could go through the windshield?
[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]
Crow: Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!

Watney: Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?
Crow [as Cabot]: Ssh! I'm acting!
Cabot: I must go to Koruba!
Watney: What?
Cabot: Koruba.
[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]
Watney: The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.
Mike, Crow & Servo: [chanting] Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...
Watney: Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?
Mike: [whispers] Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!
Crow: They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman.

Guard: Who are you?
Cabot: My name is Cabot.
Guard: Cabot?
[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]
Peasant #1: Cabot!
Peasant #2: Cabot!
Peasant #3: Cabot!
Peasant #4: Cabot!
Peasant #5: Cabot!
Mike: Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry.

[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]
Cabot: Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!
Mike [as Cabot]: Uh, starting tomorrow.

[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]
Servo: Check it out, it's one of them Jack Nicklaus golf communities!
Mike: [to Servo] ...Are you old? How do you know about that?

[Jack Palance's character is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]
Queen Lara: What are you talking about?
Mike [as Jack Palance]: [resignedly] I really don't know.

[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]
Cabot: She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
Crow [as Cabot]: Nekkid.

[Mike and the bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]
Crow: Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
Mike: Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
Servo: [takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
Crow: [book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
Mike: "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
Servo: "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"
[all shudder]

[During the end credits]
Servo: Ah, well.
Crow: Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
Mike: No, did they show 'em on Bloopers and Practical Jokes?
Servo: No, uh, Faces of Death, actually. [They all laugh.] Sounds like Miami Vice. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
Mike: No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the USA network.
Servo: Oh! The USA— [imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s] I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. [imitates the fanfare again]
Mike: Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]
Crow: Yeah, that or— [As a TV announcer] "Jeff Conaway and Shari Belafonte-Harper play a deadly game of cat and mouse in Murder Most Moist."
Servo: Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. [As a TV announcer] "Judy Landers is on the trail of a devious killer in Peekaboo Lace, P.I."
Crow: That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout [Announcer] "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in Dark Underpants"?
Mike: How about this one? [Announcer] "Lindsay Wagner is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in Tongue Lashing!"
Crow: I like it!
Servo: Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in French Pistol. CATCH IT!" [as they laugh] This is fun! Yeah.
Mike: Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in Death Spank!"
Servo: Ooh, good one, "Death Spank"!
Crow: I've got a good one. How about "Chris Lemmon and Heather Locklear form a crime fighting unit in The Lingerie Justice Files"?
Servo: Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and Morgan Fairchild are The Crotchless Killers."
Crow: I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between Richard Chamberlain and Ben Vereen in Tap Pant Desire"?
Servo: Nice use of Ben Vereen.
Mike: I like the way you think. Try this one on. "William Devane tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders!"
Servo: Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "Lisa Hartman is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in Cheek Beats."
Crow: You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in The Waco Panty Raid."
Mike: Um, uh, "Eric Roberts is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in Naked Came The Nude!"
Servo: "Peter Deluise and Tommy Tune are Cod Police."
Mike: [as they exit the theater] That was good.

Radar Secret Service[edit]

Last Clear Chance (short)[edit]

[Title of short appears]
Servo: Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!

[As woman walks away from car]
Crow: Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders!

[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]
Servo: [growling] Rrrrr.
. . .
Patrolman: If you haven't seen the signs...
Mike: Boy, you haven't lived.
Patrolman: ...then this train might come as a surprise to you.
Servo: The Sooooooooooooul Train!
Crow [as Don Cornelius]: Thank you very much, Clarissa...

Crow: [As patrolman] I'd tuck you in, but you're dead.

Patrolman: Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.
Crow: Even though you don't deserve it.

Patrolman: They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.
Servo [as patrolman]: They're communists!

Patrolman: Whenever there's a haphazard on the road, there's usually a sign that tells you about it. Like a 'curve warning'. Or a 'right of way' sign. 'Narrow bridge'. 'Signals ahead'. 'Do not enter'. 'No passing', and many others.
Crow: 'All nude girls!'
Servo: 'Whites only'.

[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]
Patrolman: Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
Mike: Women drivers! [everyone chuckles condecsendingly]

Patrolman: ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. [A car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]
Crow: The paid assassin cruising through town!

Patrolman: And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say--
Servo: AAAAAH!
[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]
Servo: That's what they say.

[Frank arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]
Frank: [Jokingly] I give up, officer! What's the charge?
Crow [as patrolman]: Ha, ha! MANSLAUGHTER.

Crow: I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines!

Engineer: Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?
Tom [as Ralph]: You're deep, Ernie.

Patrolman: So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
Mike [as patrolman]: Save a place for me at your dinner table!
Patrolman: ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
Tom: ...uh-oh...
Patrolman: ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
Crow: OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!
Patrolman: Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...
Tom: He's a bad cop on the loose!
Patrolman: ...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
Mike: Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!

Radar Secret Service (movie)[edit]

[As title of movie appears on screen]
Crow: Gary Burghoff goes undercover!
Mike: That would explain his career for the last 10 years.

Santa Claus[edit]

[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]
Magic Voice: We'll be right back... I think. Noel!

[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]
Gypsy: Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Mike: Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Gypsy: Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.

[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]
Servo [as Santa]: [singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
. . .
[Over Spain]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...
. . .
[Over China]
Servo: [singing] We are forced to sing...
Crow: Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
. . .
Narrator: Boys and girls from England.
Crow: ...have rotten teeth.
Servo [as Santa]: Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
. . .
Narrator: Japan also helps Santa.
Mike [as Narrator]: By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
. . .
Narrator: Talented children from the Orient.
Crow: ...are not here today.
Mike: Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
Servo [as Santa]: [singing] Get it on in the morning now!
. . .
Narrator: Even Russia has a delegation.
Crow: Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
Mike [as Narrator]: Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
. . .
Narrator: The group from France.
Servo: ...stinks to high heaven!
. . .
[Over Germany]
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: Klink, you are a terrible singer!
Mike [as Col. Klink]: You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
Mike [as Col. Klink]: Well, my father was a very famous conductor...
Crow [as General Burkhalter]: Shut up!
Mike: I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?
. . .
Narrator: Here's a happy song from Italy.
Servo: [sings random Italian gibberish]
Crow: So is this neorealism?
Servo [as Don Corleone]: Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
Mike: Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.
. . .
Narrator: The islands of the Caribbean.
Mike: ...have nothing to do with this movie.
Servo [as a Jamaican]: Legalize it, mon!
Mike: [singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...
Servo [as Ed McMahon]: Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!
. . .
Narrator: The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.
Mike: And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.
Crow: Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!
. . .
Narrator: The countries of Central America.
Mike: ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.
Servo: Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.
. . .
Crow: Hooray!
Mike: Yay! USA! Woo!
Narrator: The children of the USA.
Crow: ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.
. . .
Narrator: A neighborly group of children from Mexico.
Crow: ...are over-accessorized.

[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].
Narrator: Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
Crow: Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
Narrator: That's right, Lupita, put it back.
[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].
Crow [as mother]: Way to defeat Satan, honey.
Pitch: [muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
Mike: [bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.

[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]
Mike: [cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.

[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]
Second boy: [over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
Servo [as Santa Claus]: They're on to me! Into the escape pod!

[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]
Crow: This is a fascist Santa!
Mike: Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Tom: Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.

[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]
Mike: Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!

[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]
Mike [as announcer]: It's your new mom! [Crow imitates audience roaring]

[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]
Mike: Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!

[Several children are writing.]
Crow [as children]: Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
. . .
Crow: [sings] I've written a letter to Daddy...

[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]
Mike [as boy]: I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!

[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]
Crow [as Santa]: Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My chain letter scam worked!

Pedro: What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
Santa Claus: Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
Servo [as Santa Claus]: And they eat at Hardee's!

[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]
Servo: This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]
Crow: Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]
Servo, Mike, and Crow: He, he haha, hahaha, [laughing turns into terrified screams] AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
[Santa is still laughing]
Mike: [scared] What's happening?!
[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a pentagram-like symbol on the wall.]
Servo: A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.

[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]
Servo [as African Child]: [grumbling] Bone in my hair... I'm from Detroit!

Narrator: [as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky] I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?
Servo: Circle Pines?

[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]
Mike [as Santa]: Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. [pause] ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Teen-Age Crime Wave[edit]

[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]
Mike [as an answering machine]: This is Jim Rockford, leave a message and I'll get back to ya.
Crow: Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!
Servo: [starts performing The Rockford Files theme]

Village of the Giants[edit]

[The credits show "Based on The Food of the Gods by H. G. Wells".]
Crow: "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
Mike: It could be based on Profiles in Courage!
Servo: Oh, by Theodore Sorensen?

[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.]
Servo: He blew his hand off!
Crow [as Magnus Pyke]: I blinded me with science!

[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]
Crow: You know, I'm starting to suspect this might be padding.
Servo: Oh, no, no...
Mike: No, that's real.

[Genius (played by a young Ron Howard) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]
Mike: I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see Willow.
Crow: Hey, I liked Willow!

[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]
Mike: Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with Willow.
Crow: [indignantly] I liked Willow!
Mike: Kevin Pollak? You liked that?

[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]
Crow: Spiders don't growl, even that big.
Mike: I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.
Crow: [defensively] I liked Willow.

Mike: Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from Bert I.
Servo: That's why he made Willow.
Crow: Hey, I liked Willow!

[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]
Crow: Oh, come on! The effects in Willow were better than this!
Mike: Hey, you liked Willow!
Crow: I— huh?

12 to the Moon[edit]

Design for Dreaming (short)[edit]

Woman: [singing] I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright...
Mike: Aw, y'know, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams.

[As the Mystery Man first appears...]
Servo: And Tommy Tune arrives!

[As the Dancing Woman arrives at Motorama...]
Mike: Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!

Crow: You know, I had a near-death experience like this.

Woman: I want a Corvette!
Mike [as Mystery Man]: [singing] I don't give a tin sh...!
Mystery Man: I thought you would!
Crow [as Mystery Man]: That's why I entered your head!
Woman: [singing] I want a Pontiac, too!
Mike: Man, she's a high-maintanence date!

Mystery Man: [singing] This Buick's a beaut!
Woman: [singing] I'll Try it!
Crow:She's going to roll it!
[Mike and Tom Servo gasp]

...

Servo:Uh, Security to the showroom floor, please.

[In her dream, the woman emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]
Crow: Aaah! It's a salute to Mr. B Natural!
Servo: Oh, no, no, no!
[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]
Mike: This would be the "up" part of her manic mood swings, I'm guessing.
Crow: Oh-ho-ho...
Servo: Man, it is gonna take her forever to write this dream down.
[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]
. . .
Mike: I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
Crow: Well, sometimes a sun hat is just a sun hat.

[The woman removes a birthday cake from a futuristic oven.]
Woman: My cake is ready.
Mike: I call no way!
Servo: Uh-uh. Candles and everything...
Crow: Happy Birthday, Wanda June.

[Now in a gown, the woman is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]
Narrator [as Announcer]: And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
Crow [as Announcer]: Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!
. . .
Woman: Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]
Servo, Crow [as Crowd]: Give us Cyd Charisse!
Crow: While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
Servo [as Announcer]: Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!
Mike [as Announcer]: Co-starring Tom Bosley.
Crow [as Announcer]: As Bosley.

[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]
Servo [as Announcer]: With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...
Crow: Bonnie and Clyde's death car!
. . .
Servo [as Announcer]: With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...
Crow: Fonzie's death car.
Mike [as Fonzie]: Ay.
. . .
Mike [as Narrator]: Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.
Crow: Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.
. . .
Servo: The "Closed Three Plants" car.
Mike: Executive producer, Jack Philbin.
Crow: The Schick electric razor car!
. . .
Narrator: Costume by Emilio of Capri!
Mike [as Narrator]: Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!
Servo [as Announcer]: ...in The Honeymooners!
[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]
Crow [as the cars "expression"]: GRRR! RRRRrrrR!
. . .
Mike [as Narrator]: Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.

[The Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. Throughout the ride, the gang makes noises like "The Jetsons".]
Mike [as Mystery Man]: Look. Dead raccoon of tomorrow.
[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]
Woman: [singing] Tomorrow... tomorrow...
Servo: [singing, a la Elmer Fudd] With my sword and magic helmet...
. . .
Mike [as Mystery Man]: That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
. . .
Crow: Automatic freeway. You build it.
. . .
Mike: Someone invent rock and roll, please!
. . .
Servo: Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
. . .
Crow: Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.

[As the short ends, the Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]
Mike: Look out! The bridge to the future's out!
[They all gasp and make explosions as the end card appears.]

12 to the Moon (movie)[edit]

[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]
Servo [as Jerry Lewis]: Lady!
Crow [as Jerry Lewis]: Hey, lady!
Mike [as Jerry Lewis]: Hey, down here, lady!
Servo [as Jerry Lewis]: Love this lady.
Mike: She's in everything.

[Over the opening title]
Mike: Doughnuts?
Servo: No, no, no.
Crow [as Jackie Gleason]: Oh, you're goin' to the moon, all right!

[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]
Mike: Wow, I think I'm in this!

[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]
Secretary General: At this moment...
Crow [as Secretary General]: I may die!
Secretary General: ... over two billion people...
Servo [as Secretary General]: ... have been served.
Secretary General: … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
Mike [as Secretary General]: ... and my rump.
Secretary General: Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
Servo [as Secretary General]: ... dolphin-safe!
Secretary General: ... international territory.
Crow [as Secretary General]: ... and House of Pancakes.
. . .
Secretary General: God be with you.
Servo: And also with you.

[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]
Dr. Hamid: Allah be praised!
Dr. Orlov: Praise the ship, not Allah.
Servo [as Hamid]: I'll praise whoever I want, white boy.

Season 6[edit]

Girls Town[edit]

[Regarding Mel Tormé...]
Mike: Hit him! He'll cry!

[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff]
Mike Nelson [as Chip]: [screams, then pauses] Hey, look, a morel! [resumes screaming]

[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]
Mother Veronica: Wait for me, sister.
Crow [as Mother Veronica]: If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it!

[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced Paul Anka).]
Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
Servo: Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!

[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with her dead ex-boyfriend's father]
Mr. Gardner: I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
Silver: Oh, no? [turns to face him]
Crow [as Silver]: Do these explain anything?

[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested Mamie Van Doren, steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]
Crow: Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?

Silver: Any.. studs around here?
Serafina: Any what?
Silver: Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags!
Serafina: Only the gardeners.
Crow [as Serafina]: And Father Fabio!

[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
Jimmy: I'm just a lonely boy…
Mike: Why does that not surprise me?

[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]
Servo: The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.

[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]
Mike: The Velvet Hog! [N]

[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]
Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold.
Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven…
. . .
Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. [N]

[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]
Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
Crow [as Operator]: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!

[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]
Silver Morgan: Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
Mike: Especially since he's thirty-eight!

Invasion USA[edit]

A Date with Your Family (short)[edit]

Servo: The Woody Allen story!
Mike: Hey, I like my family, as a friend!

[Reading a list of names in the credits]
Crow: All of who are orphans.

[Brother looks inside a pot]
Narrator: What's the matter?
Servo [as Brother]: THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!


Crow [as Announcer]: We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee...

Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
Mike [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.

Mike [as Daughter]: Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant.

[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]
Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
Mike [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.

Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.
Servo [as Narrator]: With strychnine!
Crow [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother!

Narrator: ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves.
Crow: But not these people.

Crow [as Narrator]: What you are watching should have been edited in the final version. My apologies.

Narrator: They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him.
Crow [as Narrator]: They're not, of course...

[as the boys talk with their dad]
Mike [as Junior]: Father, I had a feeling today.
Servo [as Father]: Well don't, son.

Mike [as Mother]: Hi, I'm Betty, and I'l be your wife tonight.

[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]
Narrator: Brother seats Junior...
Crow [as Narrator]: Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
Narrator: ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
Mike [as Narrator]: The less said about this, the better.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog...

Servo [as Daughter]: Dad, I'm dating a Negro!

Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.
Crow [as Father]: Please, God, take me now...

[As Father begins passing food.]
Servo: [in a British accent] Field Marshall Montgomery sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day...
[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]
Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
Mike [as Daughter]: No, I— I'll just have Saltines.
Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
Crow [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people.
Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
Servo [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough.

Narrator: Father serves Mother first, then Daughter.
Mike [as Narrator]: Let's go to the flowchart for this.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.

Servo [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.

Servo [as Narrator]: Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left.

Narrator: No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
Mike [as Narrator]: THIS MEANS YOU!
Narrator: Always wait for the hostess...
Servo [as Narrator]: to seat you.
Narrator: ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
Mike [as Narrator]: Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!

Crow [as Father]: I'm moving to Fire Island, dear.

Narrator: Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is.
Mike [as Narrator]: ...even as you gag on it.
[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]
Servo [as Brother]: It stinks!

Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
Mike [as Narrator]: …than having a personality.

Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.
Crow [as Narrator]: …and they already dislike you enough.

[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]
Mike [as Father]: Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.

Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
Mike [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU?
Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
Servo [as Narrator]: ...and control and repression.

[As the short ends]
Crow: You know, this makes me want to heat up a Libbyland frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!
Servo [as Announcer]: Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!
Mike: [waves goodbye] Bye-bye, everyone.
Crow: A Simmel-Mervay release.

Invasion USA (movie)[edit]

[Over the opening credits...]
Mike: Starring these people and Chuck Norris.
. . .
[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]
Crow: What, me direct?

Pilot: Control tower, request landing instructions.
Tom Servo [as flight controller]: [irate] Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!

Carla: [about her work at the blood bank] We set a record today.
Vince: You set a record with me a long time ago.
Mike [as Vince]: God, I'm smooth.

["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]
Sylvester: Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. [...] Finished with your drink?
Carla: Yes, but I—
Vince: I'll take care of her.
Sylvester: Is that the way you want it?
Servo [as Carla]: [suggestively] Vince and I are gonna make our own tank parts.

The Dead Talk Back[edit]

The Selling Wizard (short)[edit]

[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]
Mike: Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!

[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]
Narrator: You, the ice cream manufacturer.
Crow: Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
Narrator: You...
Mike: Me?
Narrator: ...the frozen food distributor.
Servo: Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.
Narrator: And you, the food retailer.
Crow [as announcer]: These three people will square off against—

Narrator: Yes, today's problem is merchandising...
Mike: Over three kinds of vanilla!
Narrator: ...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
Crow: For high people.
[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]
Narrator: Frozen products are impulse items...
Servo: I'll take it, I'll take it!
Narrator: And impulse buying is primarily...
Mike: Women's fault.
[The stack suddenly drops]
Narrator: ...an emotional decision.
Crow: The market crashed!

[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]
Narrator: Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
Servo [as Narrator]: Yet, this is the result.

[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]
Narrator: Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
[The lights go on]
Servo: Are we in heaven?
Crow: [as the lights finish] Rip-off!

Mike: It's a little big; I just want a hotplate!

Narrator: And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?
Servo: Bosoms!
Narrator: Sales appeal styling.
Crow: Or "S. A. S."

[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]
Narrator: One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling.
Servo: Just one glance, don't look back.

[Noticing a box in the freezer]
Mike: This is frozen cotton?

Narrator: And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range.
Servo: GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME!
Narrator: They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity.
Crow: But don't put your tongue on it!

[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]
Crow: Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
Narrator: Gentlemen! If you please!
Mike [as Narrator]: You filthy degenerates!

[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]
Narrator: Yes, on every count...
Mike [as Narrator]: Guilty!

Servo: Next step, open a grocery store.

Mike: This freezer rules!

[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]
Narrator: This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
Mike: ...makes no sense.
. . .
Crow: (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
. . .
Mike: (singing) And it comes out here...
. . .
Servo: WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!

Crow: But I need a stove.

Narrator: In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity...
Mike [as Narrator]: Bodies stack easy.

[Over the "The End" card]
Servo [as Ed McMahon]: And remember to buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream.
All: Hi-yo!
Mike: Leni Riefenstahl's most powerful film.
Servo: Hi-yo!

The Dead Talk Back (movie)[edit]

Crow: [as a TV announcer] Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp.

[As a man in a trench coat runs towards a malfuctioning car]
Mike: And Creepy Triple-A is there.

[Close-up of crossbow being fired]
Servo: [singing] Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!

[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]
Servo: Is someone purring?
[Crow looks around for a bit.]

[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass.]
Woman: I can't hear it clearly—
Servo: That's because it's A RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!

[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance.]
Crow [as Krasker/Bill Cosby]: And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was split! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim...

[During the end credits]
Crow: Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead!

Zombie Nightmare[edit]

[The opening credits identify the heavy metal bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: Motorhead...]
Servo: Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes!
[...Girlschool...]
Crow: Uh, that's Womanschool?
[...Thor...]
Servo: [lisping] Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
[...Deathmask...]
Mike: Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
[...and Fist.]
Servo: And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger!

[Before the car hits Tony]
Servo: Don't worry, his area will protect him!
[Tony gets hit by car]
Servo: ...Or not.

[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]
Mike [as one of the teens]: I think we hit a moose!
Crow [as one of the teens]: [hysterical] C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!

[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]
Crow: There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road! Dead boy!

[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]
Bobby: Hey, what's the matter?
Mike [as Jim]: This Kansas song just makes me so sad!

Jim: What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream!

[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]
Crow [as Tony]: Must... register... for... semester!
. . .
[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.]
Servo: Damn radiator!
Crow: Soundtrack by John Cage.

[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]
Servo: The dead Zone is for loading and unloading only...

[When Adam West first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]
Servo [as Batman TV announcer]: What's this?

[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]
Crow: Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was Tim Burton.

Det. Sorrell: [on the issue of Bobby's murder] The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it!
Capt. Churchman: Maybe James Earl has a great batting average.
Servo: But it's the R.B.Is that count, isn't it?

[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]
Crow: Y'know, ironically, they were only able to bust the zombie for tax evasion! [chuckles]

[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]
Servo: Hal Needham was brought in to direct this scene.
[The car drives off the screen.]
Servo: And that's it.

Colossus and the Headhunters[edit]

[Our hero Maciste (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]
Servo [as Maciste]: I leave you alone for one hour—!

Ariel: What is your name?
Maciste: Maciste, and yours?
Crow: [holding back laughter] Cheesesteak?

[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]
Crow: Hmm... the camera operator is indulging himself here...

[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]
Crow: Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
Maciste: Land! Land!
Servo [as Maciste]: It would be really great if we found some land!
Mike [as Maciste]: It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry.

[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]
Crow: [snickering] Luckily, this was before death had been invented.

[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]
Crow [as Maciste]: [wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up!

[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]
Servo: Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]
Servo: Oh. Heh.
. . .
[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]
Servo [as soldier]: Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
Mike: And thus, synchronized swimming was invented!

Crow: Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot?

[A fight scene has broken out.]
Mike: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?

[As a not very good dancing performance goes on and on.]
Mike: So... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
Crow: This is history's first awkward moment.
Mike: [dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.

[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]
Mike: Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!

The Creeping Terror[edit]

[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]
Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles.
Servo [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir?

[The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth]
Mike [as Alien]: Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
Crow [as Alien]: I can't believe I ate the whole thing!

[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]
Crow: When Tom Wolfe's wife does the laundry!

[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]
Servo: Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM!

Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
Mike [as Narrator]: …to a sold-out crowd!
Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
Servo [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.

[Martin desperately tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]
Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing!

Bloodlust![edit]

Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)[edit]

[The title appears on screen.]
Crow: I thought I smelled something!

Mike: Is Velveeta a member of the National Dairy Council?
Servo: Naw, Velveeta's a splinter group.

Crow [as Narrator]: Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an edgy man who should not be riled.

Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day…
Servo [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day.

[As grain pours out of a spout]
Crow [as George]: I just saw a finger!
Mike: Can we go home?

[The kids are playing in the hay]
Servo [as city girl]: But I have to be careful with my new jeans 'cause I just got them at Pamida!

[The girls wake up in their bunk bed and talk to each other.]
Crow [as girl]: Uncle Jim's out of control - we frag him today.

Bloodlust! (movie)[edit]

[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]
Servo: Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party
Crow: I did it!
Gypsy, Servo, Mike: CROW!

[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]
Mike [as the skull]: [muffled and sarcastically] Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!"

[In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended]
Mike [as Al Jolson]: [singing] Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles!

Crow: [indignantly] I don't like the villain!

[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]
Mike: Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", then this would be ironic.

Code Name: Diamond Head[edit]

A Day at the Fair (short)[edit]

[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]
Crow: Hey, I didn't finish!

[At the very beginning of the short]
Narrator: This is the fairground, where the fair is held.
Servo: Any questions so far?

[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]
Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! [N]

Narrator: Johnny goes first to see the fish.
Crow [as Johnny]: I like fish...
Narrator: Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home.
Mike: Well, see, they were in the creek, but they've been caught and that's why they're here.

[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, these moths turn up in the mouths of Bob's victims!

[Showing a collection of pickle jars]
Servo: Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!
[The short cuts to a new scene]
Narrator: What's this?
Crow: EVIL!

[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]
Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun.
Servo [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!

[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]
Narrator: First, she feels the cake...
Crow [as Narrator]: ...then she rubs it into her hair...

[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]
Mike [as Mr. Olsen]: Let's go eat something gray.

[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]
Servo [as Narrator]: Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! Waaait...
. . .
Narrator: Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
Crow: [confused] What, tinsel, little lights?
Servo: This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
. . .
Narrator: Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this.
Mike [as Narrator]: Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?

[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]
Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
Servo [as Bob]: Where's the corn go?
Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
Mike [as Narrator]: ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. [N]

[Harness races at the grandstand]
Crow [as horse]: Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
Servo [as horse]: Carrots? I love carrots!
. . .
Mike: A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
Crow: [quietly, as if off in distance] Aiieee...
Servo: Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
. . .
Narrator: They're into the curb.
Servo: And they're into jazz.
Crow [as boy]: Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
. . .
[One horse is way behind.]
Mike [as horse]: Uh, hey guys, wait up!
. . .
Narrator: The race is over.
Crow: And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys] Elvira...
[Fade to the next scene]
Servo [as Bob]: Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!

[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]
Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
Crow [as Narrator]: The cows are furious!

[As the short ends]
Narrator: Too soon, the rides are over.
Crow [as Narrator]: The lawsuts begin.
Narrator: And too soon, all the fun comes to an end.
. . .
Crow [as one of the Olsons]: You spent your nickel, we're done.

Code Name: Diamond Head (movie)[edit]

[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]
Crow: Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to—
[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]
Mike, Servo, & Crow: AAAAAAAAH!

Servo: This is so almost Mitchell.
Crow: It's about fifty pounds short of Mitchell.

The Skydivers[edit]

Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)[edit]

[Over the title screen]
Crow: Because you're bad at math?

Mike: No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film.

[The short is a Centron production.]
Servo: Thank you, Centron!

[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]
Crow: [after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet?
Joe [voiceover]: You know, it's fun to have an idea.
Mike [as Joe]: There, wasn't that fun?

[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear!
Joe: ...the bright glare of a welder...
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
Servo [as Joe]: Yes!
Joe: ...the sharp whine of the power tools…
Mike [as Joe]: ...the piercing scream of a freshman…
Joe: ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
Servo: The feeling of chaps with no pants!
Joe: ...A wrench...
Mike: Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
Joe: ...A plane...
Crow [as Joe]: [haltingly] These tools are my friends!
Joe: ...or a chisel...
Servo: What about girls young man? Girls?
Mike: No, no, chisels!
Joe: And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman.
Mike [as Joe]: And not a killer!
Joe: Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.
Crow [as Joe]: Then they pants you and drag you around the track…

[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]
Joe's buddy: Wow, you made this?
Mike [as Joe]: I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.
Joe's buddy: Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
Joe: It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
Joe's buddy: Kinda slow, huh?
Joe: Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
Crow [as Joe]: Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.

Joe's buddy: How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?
Joe: I like it swell. Why?
[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]
Servo [as Joe's buddy]: Could you staple my ears back?

[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] carpenters.
Servo [as Mr. Barnes]: [woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
. . .
[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] foundry men.
Mike: [singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from...
Mr. Barnes: Tool operators.
Crow, Servo: [singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .

[As the short ends]
Crow: This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch the other film!

The Skydivers (movie)[edit]

[The opening credits list over three dozen actors.]
Servo: Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list.

Suzy: Is Frankie here?
Beth: Frankie's not here.
Mike: Frankie goes to Hollywood.

Beth: Would you like some coffee?
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow [as Joe]: What is this "coffee"?
Joe Moss: [stiltedly] I like coffee!
Beth: Well, good!
Mike: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
. . .
[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]
Servo [as Joe]: Where is it, your "coffee"?

[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]
Crow: Terror at Sea-level.
Servo: [giggling] More terrifying than Airport '77!

[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]
Harry: What happened?
Mike [as Beth]: I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!

[Beth looks on as Harry [played by Tony Cardoza] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]
Mike [as Beth]: Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
Harry: Bob, you ready?
Bob: [off-camera] Sure, Harry!
[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]
Servo: Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—!
Mike: [sputters unintelligibly]
Crow: Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film.
. . .
[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]
Crow: What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Mike: Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes.
. . .
[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]
Crow: Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you...

[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]
Mike: Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
. . .
Servo [as Suzy]: I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
Suzy: Will I see you tomorrow?
Mike [as Harry]: Uh, you have to ask the editor.
Harry: [monotone] No... not tomorrow.
Crow [as Harry]: I have a headache... tomorrow.

[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]
Servo: Ah, she's setting up for a séance.
Crow: They're going to invoke the spirit of the continuity man.
. . .
Mike [as Harry]: Dinner isn't white enough, honey.

Harry: And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs.
Mike [as Frankie]: What if I don't bring 'em with me?

Bernie: I feel real free in that wild blue sky.
Crow [as Bernie]: Cops can't touch me up there.
Bernie: ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there.
Mike [as Bernie]: Poopin' on people.

[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]
Mike: Seems like they forgot to have things happen in this movie.

[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]
Crow: Two zips and we're naked!

[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]
Crow: He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant.

Suzy: Well, Frankie, are you chicken?
Mike [as Frankie]: Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh...

[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]
Mike: Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs!

[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]
Mike: This isn't The Right Stuff; it's just... some stuff.

[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]
Mike [as Man]: [muttering] I see me a hippie. [shouting] Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it?

[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]
Crow: A stranger comes to town, touches nobody's life, and leaves.
. . .
Mike [as Beth]: Now I can do what I really want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. What color is my parachute?

[A guitarist resembles Ralph Fiennes]
Mike: Hey, it's Amon Göth on guitar! [N]

[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]
Crow [as pilot]: Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky?

The Violent Years[edit]

A Young Man's Fancy (short)[edit]

[Over the opening title]
Crow: Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes.

[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]
Judy: Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.
Mike: Yeah, evidently.
Mrs. Adams: Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you.
Judy: Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good.
Crow [as Judy]: Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig?

[Judy primps in front of a mirror.]
Crow [as Judy]: There. Now I look like Mom.
Mike [as Judy]: Thank goodness for my electric dress!

[The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]
Crow: Hey, the electric phone!

[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]
Judy: Did he arrive? Man, he's positively frantic!
Servo [as Judy]: He runs around screaming!
. . .
Judy: And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, squishy!
Crow [as the person on the phone]: Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines.

[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]
Mrs. Adams: There. Nothing to it.
Servo: AND IT'S QUIET, TOO!

[Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]
Crow: Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is psychotic?

[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]
Servo [as Judy]: [coughs] OH DEAR!
Judy: Oh, me!
Servo: [laughing] Did I call that?

[Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]
Alex: There we are.
Mike [as Alex]: God, you're dumb.

[Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]
Mike: Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy.

Alex: I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing?
Judy: Dancing? Oh, Alex, how dreamy!
Crow: [begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]

[Over the closing credits]
Servo: This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd!
Mike: And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom.

The Violent Years (movie)[edit]

[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]
Mike: Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: Ed Wood.

[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]
Mike: She died like she lived... failing algebra.

[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]
Crow: Refuses to Press Charges!
Servo: Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"
Mike: Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!

[Police car is searching for the girl gang]
Mike [as a cop]: You said you knew where the chase was!
Crow [as a cop]: No, you said you knew where it was!
Mike [as a cop]: Well, I never!

Judge: Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime...
Mike: We don't! Can we go?

Last of the Wild Horses[edit]

[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]
Servo: So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
Crow: Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: I said Coke.
Crow: I know, I'll have a root beer.
Servo: All I have is Coke.
Crow: Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
Servo: Okay. Huh?
Crow: Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
Servo: We are.
Crow: And a show?
Servo: No!
Crow: Then why did you say we're going to a show?
Servo: Because we are!
Crow: What show?
Servo: Awakenings.
Crow: That's a movie!
Servo: I know! [sighs] Are you going to come with?
Crow: Come with what?
Servo: Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
Crow: Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you borrow me some money?
Mike: Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
Crow: But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
. . .
Crow: So what time's dinner?
Servo: Noon okay?
Crow: But that's lunch!
Servo: Lunch, dinner, same thing.
[The Mad's light flashes]
Servo: Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
Crow: Ooh, the blinker!

[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]
TV's Frank: Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?
Dr. Forrester: Frank, you're getting too big for that!
TV's Frank: Aw, it's my favorite part!

[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]
Frank: You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink!
. . .
[The credits identify Albert Glasser as the film's score composer.]
Forrester: Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and pummels you with music!

[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]
Mike [as Storyteller]: Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]
Riley: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow [as Riley]: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.

[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]
Mike [as Riley]: Ooh! Found the needle!

[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]
Servo: I fought the loft and the loft won.

The Starfighters[edit]

[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]
Crow: Ah, Christo's latest installa—oh good.

Mike: Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force.

[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]
Crow [as Lyons]: Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?
Servo [as Lyons]: Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done.

[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]
Col. Hunt: Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
Crow [as Maj. Stevens]: Uh, you have to pay?

[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]
Col. Hunt: Colonel Hunt speaking.
Wikowski: Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
Mike [as Hunt]: Sarah?
Col. Hunt: Who's this?
Wikowski: Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
Crow [as Wikowski]: I sell paneling.
Wikowski: I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
Col. Hunt: [suddenly smiling] Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
Servo: And his face springs into action!
Col. Hunt: I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
Wikowski: Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
Mike [as Wikowski]: Perhaps dinner...
Wikowski: We have a bit in common, you see...
Crow [as Wikowski/Liberace]: My brother George...
Wikowski: You remember flying in the ETO together, 20 years ago?
Col. Hunt: Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
Wikowski: Yes, I suppose so.
Servo: [to Mike, mishearing] They were in BTO?
Mike: I guess...

[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]
Crow: Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
Servo: It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Mike: Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
Crow: It landed on Pig-Pen!

Servo: [as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target] Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- [the missile then blows up the target] Oooh!

[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]
Mike: "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...
Servo: It says "Lift Here".
Mike: Oh.

Mike [as Crashed Pilot]: Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!
Servo [as Rescuer]: You were only here for ten minutes!

Servo: So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?
Mike: Um...
Servo: Am I right?
Mike: Yeah. That is correct.

The Sinister Urge[edit]

Keeping Clean and Neat (short)[edit]

[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]
Narrator: Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
Mike [as Don]: But that's how they treat me!

[Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]
Narrator: Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was!
Servo: Don Was? The producer?

[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]
Servo [as Henry Higgins]: Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Mike: In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
Crow: The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!

[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]
Narrator: Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes.
Mike [as Narrator]: Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!

The Sinister Urge (movie)[edit]

[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]
Mike: She must be one of Senator Packwood's aides.

San Francisco International[edit]

[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]
Mike: Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.
[The logo fades.]
Servo: Hey, big friggin' deal!

[The title San Francisco International appears on-screen.]
Mike: [singing] San Francisco International Airport! Where the big b-actors roar!

[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]
Servo: Terror at... uh, sea level.

Mike: So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport.

Crow [as Katie Barrett]: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body!

[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]
Mike: There's a New Testament in town!

[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]
Crow [as Pernell]: Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses."

Kitten with a Whip[edit]

[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a Looney Tunes cartoon blare from the TV.]
Mike: Carl Stalling's in his house!
[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the Sylvester cartoon Canned Feud.]
Crow: Hey, something good!
Servo: All right!
. . .
Mike [as David]: Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to Elmer Fudd.

Racket Girls[edit]

Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)[edit]

[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]
Mike: Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway.

[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]
Crow: Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!

[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]
Servo: Visit your government church!
Mike: First Federal Church, member FDIC.

[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]
Hall: When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
Servo [as Larry]: Oh yeah!
Hall: ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...boing!
Mike [as Larry]: You saw my boing?
Larry: How did you know?
Hall: Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
Crow [as Hall]: Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
Hall: For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
Mike [as Hall]: …if one of you is cuckoo
[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]
Hall: …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]
Larry: It's gone!
Sue: Where'd it go?!
Crow [as Larry]: We're gonna die!
Hall: That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
Servo [as Larry]: BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!

[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]
Crow:[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions] MARINES, WE ARE LEAVING!
[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]
Mike [as Sue]: Sorry, back in Da Nang there for a minute.

[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]
Sue: Do we have similar backgrounds?
Mike [as Sue]: Do we have any priors?
Sue: Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
Crow [as Sue]: I worship Cthulhu!
Sue: ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
Servo [as Sue]: You know, God and stuff.
Sue: Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
Mike [as Sue]: So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.

Racket Girls (movie)[edit]

[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]
Crow: Is there a midway nearby?
. . .
Mike: Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
Crow [as usher]: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.

[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]
Servo: Ah, another sellout crowd.

Scalli: Hey, Joe!
Servo [as Scalli]: Where you going with that gun in your hand?

[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]
Crow: [nervously] I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead!

[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]
Crow: Music?! Why here? Why now? WHY US?!

The Sword and the Dragon[edit]

[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]
Mike [as Ilya]: Man, she's a fox.

[We see a large banquet taking place]
Crow [as man]: It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a pretty man...
Servo [as man]: Sven, no! You mustn't!

[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]
Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
Servo [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do.

[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]
Crow: Crows! My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?
Servo: [doubtfully] Uh huh...

[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]
Little Falcon: It is as though in a vision... I see my mother!
[He turns to face Ilya]
Crow [as Little Falcon]: Mom!

High School Big Shot[edit]

Out of This World (short)[edit]

[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]
Mike: They're operating under a different theology.

[Red is explaining the details of his plan]
Red: Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...?
Crow [as Red]: Say I'm starring in Forever Plaid!

[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]
Mike [as Whitey]: So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well...

[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]
Bill Dudley: First of all, take a look. [holds up bread] A loaf of bread.
Crow [as Dudley]: Eat every piece!
. . .
Whitey: Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
Dudley: That's exactly the way I feel about it.
Mike [as Dudley]: [miserably] I have to. It's all I've got!

[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]
Bill Dudley: Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
Servo [as Dudley]: Watch me come on to a grocer.
. . .
[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]
Dudley: Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]
Mike [as Dudley]: Be a shame if this ran over your kid...

Bill Dudley: You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking...
[cut to a montage of grocers]
Mike [as grocer]: What a moron.
Grocer voiceover: That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
Servo [as grocer]: What's he on?
Voiceover: Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
Crow [as grocer]: What does he want from me?
Voiceover: Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
Servo [as Grocer]: Why can't he leave me alone?
Voiceover: I like to do business with salesmen like that.
Mike [as Grocer]: But his bread sucks.

Bill Dudley: [explaining his work philosophy] The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this [taps head] and this. [taps inventory book]
Crow: A hat and a pad.

Bill Dudley: [explaining his work philosophy] That's why I keep these bull-eye's handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up.
Mike: Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know...

High School Big Shot (movie)[edit]

[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]
Mike: He has a haunting ugliness.

[Over the opening title]
Mike: The Potsie story.

Red Zone Cuba[edit]

Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)[edit]

Narrator: The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
Servo [as Narrator]: …after the human nipple.

Narrator: Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes...
Mike: ...Okay...
Narrator: ...a doll that never talked.
Mike: [nervously] Just do what he says...
Narrator: Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke.
Servo: Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn!

[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]
Narrator: Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
Crow: Be sure to get a brand-new chin.
Narrator: ...and your favorite tie.
Servo: Now you're ready to rub out Sonny Corleone!

[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]
Narrator: ...You will look poised and dignified.
Mike: Uh, no you won't.
. . .
Crow: Don't do this during the speech.

Red Zone Cuba (movie)[edit]

[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]
Mike: John Carradine!
Crow: Was he always a hundred years old?

[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson (John Carradine).]
Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.

[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]
Servo: [deep voice] John Carradine for Viceroy.
[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]
Crow: [lisping] Sal Mineo for Viceroy!

[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]
Mike [as Announcer]: Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in The Fugitive!
Servo [as Curly Howard]: Hey, Moe!

[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]
Mike: [singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]
Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
I got Coleman Francis on my mind.

[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]
Mike: Hey, I see some soccer players down there...

[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]
Joe: Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
Crow, Servo [as Men]: You shove off!
Joe: …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
Mike [as Joe]: There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
Joe: At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.
Servo [as Joe]: Ted, you take Havana.

[Griffin (played by Coleman Francis) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]
Mike [as Cuban Soldier]: The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.

[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]
Mike: Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!
Servo: [sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"
Crow: I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me!

[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]
Mike [as Store Clerk]: Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons!

Danger!! Death Ray[edit]

[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]
Servo: Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.
Mike: There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound 94, you might want to take an alternate route.
. . .
[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]
Mike: What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest?
Crow: It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - big creative dispute.

Crow: What country is this taking place in?
Mike: Europe.

[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]
Mike: They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.

[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]
Crow: (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time.
[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]
Mike: In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies.
Servo [as watcher]: Why can't I get the Red Shoe Diaries?

[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]
Mike: The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
Servo: They're coming up for more baking soda.
[Crow begins snickering.]
Mike: Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
[Crow snickers again.]
Servo: This set is at least three box tops.
Crow: [recovering his composure] Special effects by... Billy!
. . .
[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]
Mike: Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
. . .
[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]
Sub Captain: Okay. We can dive.
Servo [as Captain]: Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
Crow [as Captain]: Head towards the drain.
[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]
Mike: Das Toy Boat!
Servo [as Captain]: Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
Crow: Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.

[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]
Bart Fargo: You're the one who knows everything...
Mike [as Fargo]: Who's God?

[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]
Henchman: We're looking for a man.
Mike [as Henchman]: Are you him?
Lucille: My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.
Servo [as Henchman]: I think you know what I meant!

[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]
Bart Fargo: You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.
[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]
Servo: Olé!
[Crow giggles.]
Mike [as Bart]: And the way you dove out the window was just terrible!
[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]
Servo [as Bart]: Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
Bart Fargo: That's too bad.
Crow: Oh, come on! What about "he really fell for me"? Or "his hopes have been crushed"?

[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]
Servo: Hot Wheels!
Crow: Some little boy is going to be very upset.

[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]
Servo [as Assassin/Mulwray]: My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!

[A baccarat game is in progress.]
Croupier: Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000.
Crow [as Player]: It'd better be a damn good bonk.

[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]
Servo: This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there!
[beat]
Servo: But it's nice.
Mike: It is nice, yeah.
[Crow laughs.]

Crow: Bart Fargo IS... Hard to— watch.

Crow: Bart Fargo. Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo... Heh, that's hard!

The Beast of Yucca Flats[edit]

Money Talks (short)[edit]

[William looks at a Franklin half-dollar he's holding.]
William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car.
William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin!
William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had. [N]
. . .
[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]
Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! [N]

Ben Franklin: You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father…
Mike [as Franklin]: …James Joyce.
Ben Franklin: …something quite unheard of in my day.
Crow: Fathers?

[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar]
Mike: Benjamin Franklin was tried in the Eighth circuit court on stalking charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. [N]

Progress Island USA (short)[edit]

[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]
Crow: Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later!

Narrator: An American Democracy...
Servo [as Narrator]: Would be really great.

Narrator: Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise.
Crow: And very hard to sleep!

Narrator: Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move.
Mike: Hawaii?
Crow: No, an island!

[Shots of a school are shown.]
Narrator: Bilingual schools.
Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students.

[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]
Crow: Oh. When did they change the name?
Servo: A Quinn Martin production.
Mike, Crow, Servo: [as the music ends] PUERTO RICO!

Narrator: A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.
Crow [as Narrator]: So you might as well just stay where you are.

[Over a shot of a Burger King...]
Servo: Ah, indigenous cuisine!

[Over quick shots]
Mike: With this, and this, and that!

[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]
Crow: Here, money is exchanged for coconuts.

[Students are shown at college.]
Mike: Latka Gravas goes to class.
Crow [as Latka]: Thank you veddy much.

Crow: It's Room Dos-Dos-Dos!

[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]
Mike [as Narrator]: Here, we're flying in another trumpet section.

[On the next piece of background music]
Crow: Okay, let's get funky now.

Narrator: For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
Crow [as Narrator]: ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
Mike [as Narrator]: Look, just come here!

[Another piece of background music ends.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: PROGRESS!

[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]
Crow: Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.
Mike: Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
Servo: Here, Up With People get down.
[The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle]
Mike [singing]: Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart] . . .

[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: GAMBLING!

Narrator: Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.
Servo: Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...

[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]
Crow: Hit me!
Narrator: A band concert under warm, tropical skies.
Crow: The music of John Phillips Salsa.

Narrator: It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.
[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: A CENTURY AGO!

[Over shots of tropical flowers.]
Narrator: Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year.
Mike: As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah.

[Over a shot of cows grazing.]
Crow [as Narrator]: Here are some moo cows.

Narrator: The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
Mike [as Narrator]: ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.

[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]
Servo [as worker, drunkenly]: I love this job!
Narrator: Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy.
Crow [as Narrator]: So, drink rum constantly.

[Shot of front of Digital building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]
Crow: Why, even aliens from Mars are here!

[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]
Narrator: A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology.
[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]
Mike: Things with blinky buttony-type things.

[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]
Crow: Then KISS came to town!
Mike [as Narrator]: We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff.
. . .
[We see record players being made.]
Mike: These'll nevr go out of style.
Crow: Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album.

[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]
Crow: Okay, we'll move there!
Servo: Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it?

[Over the short's closing screen]
Mike [as Narrator]: We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did not offend.

The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie)[edit]


[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]
Mike: Get off my land, you credits!

[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]

Servo: Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
Mike: Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.

[During a chase scene.]
Servo: Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the Coleman Francis way.

Servo: Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's Beast of Yucca Flats. A Francis Ford Coppola film.

Narrator: Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?
Mike: These are all just random sentences, folks.

Narrator: Touch a button, things happen.
Mike: ...Uh, sometimes.

Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.
Crow [as Narrator]: Rootie patootie.

Narrator: A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland.
Mike: His limericks aren't very good...

Narrator: Vacation time.
Crow [as Narrator]: So... goodbye.
Narrator: People travel east, west... north or south.
Servo: And some people just burrow straight down, I guess.

[Over a shot of the mountain...]
Narrator: To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.
Crow [as Narrator]: Or a giant pogo stick.
Narrator: Jump from a plane, land at the top.
Mike [as Narrator]: Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?

Servo [as Narrator]: Jaworski, Ron Jaworski. Played quarterback for the Eagles.

[A man is chased by a light plane.]
Servo: Ahh, bit of a ripoff?
Mike: Coleman steals from only the best!

Narrator: A man murdered, a woman's purse.
Servo: A thin plot, endlessly restated.

Crow [as Narrator]: Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.

Servo [as Narrator]: Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment.

[Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]
Crow [as Narrator]: The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker.

Servo [as the Beast]: Why, why can't I get a baked potato before five in this town?

Narrator: The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury.
Mike [as the Beast]: Ah, fudge!

Narrator: Joseph Javorsky.
Mike [as Narrator]: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Narrator: Noted scientist.
Crow [as Narrator]: Family man, and your candidate for city council!
[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]
Mike: So? What about him?!

Angels Revenge[edit]

[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]
Michelle: We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.
[Terry sticks her thumb up.]
Mike [as Terry]: Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!
[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]
Servo [as Maria]: Hah-hah! It's anonymous!

[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]
Servo: Okay, sound by Hanna-Barbera, fine.

Crow: That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts!

[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in Blaxploitation-esque outfits.]
Crow: I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office!

[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]
Crow: Hey, you're giving away the plot!

[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]
Farrell: Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.
Servo [as Farrell]: He's our only customer.

[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]
Crow [as Diner]: How's about someone shine my steak over here?!
. . .
Mike: You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.

April: Women can make a difference.
Crow: Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid.

[The musical score apes Also sprach Zarathustra as the Angels' combat van appears.]
Servo: [singing] Vaguely Strauss, but notttt!

Terry: I've got an idea.
[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]
Servo: What a great idea!

[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]
Crow: It's the T & A-Team!

[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]
Mike: Right now, Benny Hill is smiling down from heaven.

[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]
Crow: It's Dworkinfest '78!

[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell (Jack Palance).]
Crow [as Farrell/Palance]: Oh, no! He saw City Slickers II.

[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]
Farrell: May I speak to you for a moment please?
Crow [as Farrell]: 'It's about my report card.
April: Yes? What can I do for you?
Servo [as Farrell]: What's this "Incomplete" crap?

The Amazing Transparent Man[edit]

The Days of Our Years (short)[edit]

[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]
Mike: So, we have 70 days in each year?

Reverend: Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there.
Crow: Oh, sure— HUH?

[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]
Crow [as Little Girl]: [guiltily] I didn't hate accidents enough...

[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]
Mike [as Reflection]: [gravelly voice] Come over to this side!
Crow [as Reflection]: [eerily] Obey the toaster!

Narrator: [on Joe's fiance Helen] She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe".
Mike: So his name is Joe Joe?

[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]
Narrator: She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
Crow: Speaking of accidents...

Mike: [noticing a theme] So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age?

Narrator: [during funeral sequence] Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall...
Crow: [curtly] ...because he's DUMB!

[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]
Tom [as George]: Boring!
Crow [as George]: [as he shuts the curtains] There, my problem went away.

Narrator: [on the frailty of time] A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years...
Mike: A disastarous one would be cool to watch!

[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]
Crow [as director]: Hey, we're tryin' to film here!

The Amazing Transparent Man (movie)[edit]

Crow: Hayley Mills in The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap!

Servo: [singing along to the music]
He's amazing and amusing,
he's delicious and nutritious,
two for breakfast, one for...

Krenner: Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors.
Mike [as Dr. Ulof]: You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words.

[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]
Servo: If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.
. . .
Crow [as Dr. Ulof]: Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal.
. . .
[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]
Crow: Kind of an abstract sculpture of Jayne Mansfield.
. . .
[Ulof inserts a Dremel-like device between the two globes.]
Mike: I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!
. . .
Mike: All this just to get a UHF station?

[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]
Crow: Oh, he's with the William Morris Agency.

Krenner: Keep your eye on the guinea pig.
Servo: [singing] Keep your eyeeeee on the guinea pig!

[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.]
Mike [as Faust]: I'll be right back right after this.

Samson vs. the Vampire Women[edit]

Crow: Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the Cher jokes.

[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.]
Crow: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.

[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]
Crow [as Owl]: ¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]
. . .
[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]
Crow: Let the Cher jokes...begin.
Servo: Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...

[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]
Servo: Another successful José Eber makeover.
Crow [as Tandra]: I'm pretty, so I have value now.

[As Diana plays the "Moonlight" Sonata, four bats hover outside her window.]
Servo: Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!
Crow: I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
Servo: The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
Crow [as Bat]: I don't know how long I can keep this up!

[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]
Crow [as Woman]: We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! [N]
Servo: Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.

[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]
Crow: [trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!
Samson: I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
Servo [as Samson]: I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
. . .
Mike [as Samson]: So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?

Season 7[edit]

Night of the Bloodbeast[edit]

Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)[edit]

[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]
Servo: Ah, how many times Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie had sex!

[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]
Crow: [singing] Springtime for Hitler and Germany!

[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]
Crow [as Ricky Ricardo]: Lucy, I'm dead!

[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]
Servo: Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception!

[Over a wide shot of the living room]
Mike: They live in a doll house!
Crow: You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator.

[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]
Mike [as Jeff]: What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
Servo: One of 32 short films about... this guy.
Crow [as Jeff]: Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
Mike [as Jeff]: Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]
Servo: Mickey Rourke came over to help.
Mary: No inspiration, darling?
Jeff: I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
Crow [as Mary]: Why would you wanna write him?

Mary: [singing] I wish I had a castle in the sky...
Mike: [angrily] Yeah, well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one piles up first!
Mary: [singing] Away up high where bluebirds like to fly...
Servo [as Mary]: [singing] I wish I could have sex with Louis Nye...
Mary: [singing] A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more...
Crow [as Mary]: [singing] I wouldn't have to dress like Tipper Gore...
. . .
Mary: [singing] I wish my living room were all redone...
Mike [as Mary]: [singing] I think owning a newspaper would be fun...

Mary: [singing]: I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day...
Crow: AIM HIGH, SISTER!
[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]
Servo [as Mary]: Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!
Mary: [singing] I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...
Mike [as the fridge]: Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.
Crow [as announcer]: Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!
Mary: [singing] I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...
Crow: [in a Australian accent] Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000!

[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]
Mike: Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell!

[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]
Mike: [unimpressed] Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea...

[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]
Mike: That's about as sexy as a garage.
. . .
Crow: One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.
. . .
Servo [as Mary]: Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.
. . .
Servo: Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?

Crow [as Jeff]: Here's how far I've gotten: LA!

[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]
Crow [as Male Neighbor]: Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
Servo [as Female Neighbor]: Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?

[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]
Servo: [singing] Money...
Jeff: Wait a minute, do that again!
Mike [as Jeff]: Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
Jeff: Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
Servo [as Jeff]: I'll call someone to write the song!

[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]
Mike: [singing along] Everybody was... kung fu fighting, yeah!

[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]
Crow: Welcome to Shakey's!
[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]
Mike: [gasps] Elton John was here!

Crow: This would make a great companion movie with Eraserhead.

[As the short ends]
Mike [as announcer]: The following scene contains graphic sexual content.
Servo: Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway?

Night of the Blood Beast (movie)[edit]

[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]
Servo: This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
Crow [as JFK]: Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County.
Servo: It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck.

[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]
Dr. Wyman: No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal.
Mike [as Wyman]: Well, let's give him more time to die.

Dr. Wyman: I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long.
Mike [as Wyman]: And I love it!

[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]
Dave: Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute?
Tom Servo [as Donna]: Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!
Mike [as Dave]: I could have done that...

[Dave hears something.]
Dave: Steve?
Mike: Not everyone is Steve!

[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]
Crow [as Donna]: Um, have you guys seen my brush?
Donna: Steve.
Mike [as Julie]: Yes?
Tom Servo [as Dr. Wyman]: Yes?
Crow [as Steve]: Yes?

[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]
Tom Servo: And the Steves are there!
Crow: Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me!

[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]
Servo: Oh god... I'm pregnant!

[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]
Mike [as Dr. Wyman]: What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse.

[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]
Crow: This is still a better movie than Junior.

[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]
Donna: Here's something to complicate things even more.
Crow: I took these upside down!

[Steve enters in from the lab.]
Steve: They're gone.
Crow [as Steve]: My brownies are gone!

Crow: Hard to trust somebody not named Steve.

[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]
Crow: Carry me.
Tom Servo: Shut up.
Crow: Carry me!
Tom Servo: Shut up.
Crow: CARRY ME!
Tom Servo: Shut up!
Crow: Unnnnnnh...

The Brute Man[edit]

The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)[edit]

[Over the short's title screen.]
Crow: The Bill Clinton Story!
Servo: The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!

[Over a dedication in the opening credits]
Crow: Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war.
Mike: Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is this?

Narrator: After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate.
Servo: [chuckling] No, it isn't.

[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]
Servo [as chicken]: Betty, must you sit in dinner?

Narrator: And one large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on.
Servo: There it is! No wait, there!

[As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]
Mike [as Narrator]: If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine!
Narrator: Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator.
Mike [as Narrator]: [muffled] I'm in the incubator now...

[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]
Mike [as egg]: Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
Servo [as egg]: No, stay in there.
Mike [as egg]: Oh, come on. Can I go home?
Servo [as egg]: No, the door's locked!
. . .
Crow: I've seen the episode where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth!

[A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]
Narrator: The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens.
Crow [as Narrator]: And this fellow.
. . .
Narrator: This one unit holds 85,000 eggs.
Servo: And one bathroom for all of them.

[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]
Mike: This is gonna be hot, hot, hot!
. . .
Servo: Mork calling Orson...
Crow [as baby chick]: Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here!
. . .
Servo: That is one bloodshot eye.
. . .
Crow: Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty.
. . .
Crow: [singing] How dry I am— [hiccups]
. . .
Narrator: And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell.
Servo [as Narrator]: Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter.
. . .
Crow: [singing] Come on down and meet everybod— Oh, sorry.
. . .
Mike: I hate it when people tape their own deliveries.
. . .
Servo: Aren't there supposed to be pantyhose in there?
. . .
Crow [as baby chick]: Oh, what did I do last night?

Servo [as baby chick]: Hey guys, it's God!

Narrator: Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade.
Servo: Yeah, for pervs!
[A farmer inspects one of the chicks]
Crow [as farmer]: Whoa, Milton Berle there...

[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]
Crow [as worker]: Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids.
[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]
Mike [as baby chick]: It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral.
Servo [as baby chick]: Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonan be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group!
Mike: 40 piece chicken nuggets to go!

Narrator: But wait a minute, you may be saying...
Crow [as Narrator]: Why am I watching this?
Narrator: Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three?
Servo: You bet!
Narrator: Indeed they can!
Servo: [surprised] ...Heh, I was right!

[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]
Narrator: Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising.
Crow [as Narrator]: I said, "Speed is ESSENTIAL"!

[As the truck drives as the scene fades.]
Mike: That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken!
[the next scene fades in]
Crow: Chickens!

[Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]
Mike [as girl]: How many are you sitting on?
Crow [as girl]: Dad went a little nuts this Easter.

Narrator: Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator...
Servo [as Narrator]: Broadway!
Narrator: ...is the brooder house.
Mike [as Narrator]: Designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.

Narrator: From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow.
Servo: [singing] Eat and grow forever...

[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]
Narrator: After the first few days, the paper can be removed.
Crow: Except for the sports section.

Narrator: The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than a hundred birds.
Mike [as Narrator]: Or migrant workers.
Narrator: The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents.
[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]
Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]: RODENTS?! AAAAHHH!!

[Over a shot of chickens eating]
Servo [as chicken]: Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight.
Crow [as chicken]: Does this taste funny to you?

[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]
Narrator: You know how chickens are.
Servo: Yeah, they own everything.

Narrator: Remember the old henhouse?
Servo: The one with the rats?
Narrator: It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel.
Mike: Rooms by the hour.

[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]
Crow [as chicken]: Open your hymnals to number 325.
. . .
Tom [as chicken]: Everybody! Soylent Green is made from chickens!

[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]
Mike: There's no point; it's just funny!

[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]
Narrator: A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her.
Mike [as Narrator]: She will live.
Narrator: Keep that one.
Crow [as Narrator]: She's worth millions.
Narrator: But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table.
Servo: Or put a warning slip on her desk.

Narrator: ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs.
Mike [as Narrator]: Stop throwing them at my car!

[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]
Mike [as Narrator]: So put your mouth under a chicken.
. . .
Crow [as Narrator]: Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.

[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]
Narrator: When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work.
Servo [as chicken]: Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops!

[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]
Crow [as worker]: There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order.

[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]
Mike: Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each.

[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]
Mike: It's Goofus and Gallant.
. . .
Crow: This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call.

[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]
Crow T. Robot: May I have a piece of my own white meat please?
. . .
[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced very thinly]
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, thanks for the generous portion!
. . .
Crow: Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron.
Servo: These must be models' portions.
Mike [as server]: This one's for you, Miss Moss, and for you, Miss Turlington...
. . .
Crow: [in Ritzy accent] Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! (You can carry it in your wallet.)

Narrator: But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market.
[The next scene fades in]
Mike [as Narrator]: We bring you now to market.

[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]
Servo: Ah. He's drunk! Look at him.
. . .
[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]
Servo: [to Mike] Put your hand up. Buy a chicken.
Mike: [raises his hand] I want one...

Crow: Alright, come on, sing, sing! Row, row, row— you're not singing!
Narrator: Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant.
Crow: Dressing plant? Sounds like fun.
Servo: I want a new hat.
[Shot of a gas station]
Narrator: One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market.
Mike: Even to the Texaco station.

[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]
Crow: There's no driver! The chickens are taking over!

The Brute Man (movie)[edit]

["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]
Servo [as Moffett]: Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.

[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]
Crow [as Cop]: [with exaggerated Irish accent] All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...

[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]
Mike [as Moffet]: They forgot my Fruit Brute cereal!

Crow: [observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout] Hey, it's KTMA!

Helen: Hal? Hal? Hal?
Servo [as Helen]: Open the pod bay doors, Hal.

[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]
Servo: Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists.

[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]
Crow: Hey fella, why the long face?
Mike: Now, come on...
Crow: [laughing] I'm sorry, I couldn't...
Mike: I begged you not to do that!
Crow: I know...
Servo: That hurts.

Servo: He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker...
Crow: In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify.

[The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.]
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing.
[Mike and Servo both crack up.]

Mike: [annoyed] Why didn't they just call this movie The Creeper? Brute Man, pah...

Mike: A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, don't fear the creeper.

Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell[edit]

[Over the title screen]
Mike: Hey, where's the umlaut?
Servo: Oh, these guys are, like, warriors from Hell!

[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]
Mike: Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years.

[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]
Crow: Let's see how long THESE accents last!

[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]
Servo [as Michael McDonald character]: We're taking it to the streets!

[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]
Crow: Well, it looks like I'm boxing the clown again tonight!

[A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.]
Servo [as warrior]: Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh...
[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]
Crow: Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky!

Troxartis: [haltingly, overacting] This has. Nothingtodowith. Being RICH.
Servo [as Troxartis]: I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking WITH them.

[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]
Crow: You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound.
[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]
Servo [as Deathstalker]: I just heard an eagle meow!

[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]
Khorsa: You sleep in the barn!
Servo [as Deathstalker]: This isn't the barn?

Servo [as Khorsa]: [addressing the Warriors from Hell] Excuse me, Mr. Moose?
Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]: We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]
Crow: [singing] We're the knights of the round table!

[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]
Mike: Oh no, he made a saddle out of Grover!

[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]
Mike: This movie is like playing Doom when there's no monsters or opponents.

Deathstalker: ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women.
Mike: Spo-dee o-dee.

Mike: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.

[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]
Mike [as attacker]: Remember, top rung not to be used as a step!
Crow [as attacker]: Who are we?!

[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]
Mike: What the— Uh? Th— Oh... [as Troxartis] You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you!

[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]
Marinda: I love you!
Servo: Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!
Crow [as Marinda]: You were my first... tuber.

[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]
Servo [as Michael McDonald character]: She came from somewhere back in your long ago.
Mike [as Deathstalker]: Look, just shut up.

[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]
Crow: Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
. . .
[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]
Servo [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
. . .
Mike [as Deathstalker]: [sobbing] Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. [N]

[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]
Mike [as the man]: Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]
Mike [as a member of the crowd]: He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over!

The Incredible Melting Man[edit]

[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]
Crow: Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
Mike: I was born on a pile of... Hey!

[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]
Mike: [chuckling] "Round Guy With Surfboard" International.

[Over the movie's title screen]
Mike: The George Hamilton Story.

[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]
Crow: Boy, they got to Saturn fast!
Mike: It's all freeways now.

Astronaut: I.M.U., ready to launch.
Crow: You are not me, stop saying that!

[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]
Loring: How many weeks is she?
Ted Nelson: Fourteen.
Servo [as Loring]: A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?
. . .
[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]
Servo [as Loring]: So when do you think the people who work here are coming back?

[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]
General Perry: How's it looking?
Ted Nelson: Not too good.
Servo [as Nelson]: [whispering] There's a black guy in my office!
. . .
[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]
General Perry: About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
Mike: 1600 hours? So, like five months from now?

[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]
Ted Nelson: AADGKA!
Servo: Ah, aadgka, of course.

[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]
Servo [as Ted]: [sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
Ted Nelson: Steve escaped.
Judy Nelson: Oh God.
Mike [as Judy]: Aadgka?
Judy Nelson: What're you gonna do?
Crow [as Ted]: Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]
Ted Nelson: Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
Judy Nelson: Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
Servo [as Judy]: [annoyed with herself] Aadgka.
Judy Nelson: Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
[She brings over his soup.]
Mike: Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]
Ted Nelson: [ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?
Judy Nelson: Ted. Steve?
Crow: Raging Bull.
Ted Nelson: Steve?
Servo [as Ted]: Steve had crackers!
Ted Nelson: I've got to go out and find Steve.
Judy Nelson: Why you?
Ted Nelson: Because nobody else is supposed to know.
Crow [as Ted]: Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!

[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]
Mike: This man is a brilliant tactician.

[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]
Mike: Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen?

Mike: You guys know, is there a credible melting man?

[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]
Servo: What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
Mike: Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.

[A janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]
Crow: [almost cracking up] So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can?

[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]
Mike: So, they learned nothing.
Servo: Yep.
Crow: Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
Servo: I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
Mike: [reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
Crow: Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
Mike: Very good.
Crow: I kill me.
Servo: Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
Mike: I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
Crow: We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
Servo: I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
Mike: Jonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Servo: Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
Crow: And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
Servo: What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
Mike: Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Servo: Good lesson.
Crow: Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Servo: Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
Mike: I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
Servo: Aadgka!
Crow: I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
Servo: Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
Mike: And neither are actors.
Servo: Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]
Crow: Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.
Servo: I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
Mike: [sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
Crow: I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
Servo: Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.
Mike: We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
Crow: Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.
Mike: Oh, I hear ya.

Escape 2000[edit]

[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]
Mike: Hey, why is John Madden signing Samuel Goldwyn's signature?
Crow: Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.

[As the film starts, squads of Stormtrooper-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
Loudspeaker: You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
[A man is thrown out a window]
Mike [as Man]: I forgot my luggage...!
Loudspeaker: This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]
Crow [as Man]: Okay, you convinced me!
Loudspeaker: You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]
Mike: [snickers]
Servo: Mmm-hmm.
Loudspeaker: Leave the Bronx!
Servo [as Loudspeaker]: Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
Mike [as Loudspeaker]: You, too, Henry Silva.
Loudspeaker: The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
Crow [as Loudspeaker]: Therefore, we suggest you—
All [as Loudspeaker]: Leave the Bronx!
Loudspeaker: ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
Servo: So leave the Bronx.
Mike: Just leave the Bronx.
[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]
Servo [as loudspeaker on van]: Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
. . .
Mike: Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?

Loudspeaker: Isolate area P-6.
Crow: And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please.

[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]
Crow [as Trooper]: [terrified] Gary saw a silverfish! Aaaahh!

[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]
Servo [as Stormtrooper]: Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.

[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]
Crow [as Disinfester]: I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Servo: Pretty much.
Mike: We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
Mike [as Bum]: Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
Crow [as Bum]: I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
Servo: When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!
Bum: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
Disinfester: You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Mike: Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!

[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]
Servo: They're rehearsing a David Mamet play in there.

[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]
Crow: A fascist Italian? Come on!!

Moon Grey: [being dragged from a press conference] ...and the GC Corporation sucks!
[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]
Mike [as Reporter]: Is that true? Do you suck?

[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]
Crow: [chuckles] I think they blew their cover here!

[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]
Crow [as Trash]: D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left!

[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]
Servo: Ah. The ladder of Damocles.
Crow: Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.

President Clark: So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so. They're both... under... [points at random place in Bronx model] ...there! [points somewhere else] ...or maybe there!
Servo: ...right there!
Wrangler: But somewhere there!
[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]
President Clark: Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?
Wrangler: [chuckles] I don't think so.
Crow: You guys didn't rehearse, did you?

[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: Oh what did you step in!

[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]
Servo [as Disinfester]: Hi! Kill us!
[They get shot.]
Servo [as Disinfester]: Thank you!

[As Trash blows up a van]
Mike [as DJ]: Alright, we're here in the KROQ Supervan giving out a— [The van explodes. Crow screams.]
Servo [as Trash]: Hey, rats. That was my van!

[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]
Mike: Cleanup in Borough Five!

Laserblast[edit]

[The credits display: "Laserblast".]
Crow: Terrible name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.

[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]
Servo [as Elmer Fudd]: I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe.
. . .
[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]
Mike: Edward CDplayerhands.

[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]
Mike: Well, now on to movie three!

[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]
Servo: So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas.

[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]
Billy: Pow! Pa-pow!
Servo: After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Mike: Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]
Servo: I think he's doing Frampton Comes Alive.
Mike: ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
Crow: Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!

[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]
Mike [as Billy]: Yeah... I think you are gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!

Kathy: Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary.
Mike: More ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that.

[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]
Crow: Teens love their cake pool party!

[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]
Chuck: Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
Girl: From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
Crow [as Chuck]: She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
. . .
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]
Mike [as Chuck]: There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!

[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]
Crow: This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat!

[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]
Mike: OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Crow: Huh.
Servo: Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
Mike: Oh wow.
Crow: [watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
Mike: OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
Crow: Uhh—
Servo: [disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
Crow: Being There, two stars.
Mike: Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
Servo: Oh. Good.
Mike: Lemme see here...
Crow: [reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?
Servo: Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
Crow: [still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
Servo: [leaning in] What else you got?
Mike: Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Crow: Hm?
Servo: Shame, isn't it.
Mike: Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
Crow: [incredulous] What?!
Mike: I'm kidding.
Crow: Oh.
Servo: I hope so.
Mike: According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
Crow: [dismissive] D'oh...
Servo: Broadcast News, Witness, three stars—barely superior to Laserblast.
Mike: Mm-hm.
Crow: Same for Diner.
Mike: Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
Crow: Well, that's possible...
Servo: And the same caliber as Last Crusade—two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.
Servo: [unbelieving] Where?
Crow: [incredulous] What?
Mike: No, I'm kidding.
Servo: Oh, you... You... jeez...
Mike: So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.
Crow: According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Servo: Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy—no better than Laserblast.
Mike: Here's where it gets hard—Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.
Crow: Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter—no better than Laserblast.
[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]
Mike: [reluctant] No, no—
Servo: Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man—on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.
Crow: Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Mike: OK, ah—
Servo: Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
Mike: Uh, yeah...
Servo, Mike: Same as Laserblast
Servo: Two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice
Servo: Uh huh.
Mike: Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Servo: No!
Mike: The Great Santini
Servo: Oh, I can't believe that!
Mike: All two-and-a-half stars.
Servo: Two-and-a-half stars.
Mike: The same quality.
Crow: Also known as "Ace", by the way.
Mike: Yes, "Ace".
Servo: [as they leave] Peers to Laserblast.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie[edit]

Servo: Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love? No problems or mishaps today?
Mike: Nope, everything appears to be nominal.
Servo: Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?
Mike: [listens] Yeah, what is that?
Servo: Yeah, what is that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's causing this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
Mike: Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?
Servo: Where's Crow? Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands!

[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out]
Crow: Woah, I didn't expect this!
Servo: Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to [gets sucked towards hole] AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
. . .
Crow: Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations?
[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]
Crow: Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined!
. . .
[Servo lands right-side up on the hole]
Servo: Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!
. . .
[Crow explains his unsuccessful attempt to burrow a way out of the Satellite of Love.]
Crow: Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.

Dr. Forrester: Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go?
Mike, Crow, Servo: [dejected] Yes...
Dr. Forrester: Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...
Mike, Crow, Servo: You won't...
Dr. Forrester: Then, prepare yourself for This Island Earth!

[Universal International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth]
Crow: It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!
Mike: Notice how big Japan is?

[Universal International credit appears on screen]
Mike: Isn't the fact that it's Universal make it International?

["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]
Servo: This Island Earth can be yours if The Price is Right!

[during the opening credits]
Crow: Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!
Servo: Hey, there's Taurus the bull!
Mike: And over there's the Constellation Feces.
Crow: Oh, look. Orion is bankrupt.

Servo: When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...
[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]
Servo: ...oh.
Crow: [as golf announcer] It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.
Mike: Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park!

[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]
Servo: Oh jeez, there's soccer teams laying all over the place!

[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
Servo: Early LSD tests in the Air Force.

[Joe running towards the Jeep]
Crow: Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY!

[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]
Mike: Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
Dr. Meacham: Lowering the cylinder.
Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The secret government Eggo project.
Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best.
[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noises and put more science stuff around.
. . .
[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]
Mike: Fries are up!

Joe: Here's something my wife could use around the house.
Crow: A man?

Meacham: This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal.
Crow [as Joe]: No, sir. That's paper!

[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the Interocitor.]
Tom Servo: But before unpacking - D'OH!

Meacham: There are 2,486 parts.
[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]
Crow [as Joe]: Uh, 485, sir!
[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]

Joe: Where do we start?
Meacham: Right here. [points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]
Mike [as Meacham]: At Goofy Clown Face!

Joe: You know what my kids would say...
Mike: [interrupting] "You're not my real father!"
Joe: "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!"
Meacham: Plug it in, Joe.
Mike: Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe.

Exeter: My name is Exeter.
Mike [as Exeter]: Doug Exeter.

Exeter: Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson.
Servo [as Exeter]: No, farther towards the killzone, please!
Crow [as Exeter]: Yeah, God I'm good!
[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor]
Servo [as Meacham]: Dear God, I left the iron plugged in!
[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up]
Crow [as Joe]: Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope!
[The Interocetor is now ablaze]
Servo: Quick, get the baking soda!
Mike: Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!
Crow [as landlady]: [imitates knocking noise] Are you boys cooking up there?!
Mike: No!
Crow [as landlady]: Are you building an Interocetor?!
Mike: [casually] No!

[Meacham pushes a microphone-like Geiger counter probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?

[Brack enters the scene]
Mike: Hey, Charlie Rich!
Crow: He goes through a lot of Brylcreem.
[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]
Mike [as Adams]: Don't mention his head.

Exeter: Dr. Meacham! Good morning!
Meacham: Good morning.
Exeter: Please, come in. Both of you.
Servo [as Exeter]: We're glad you could join us at the Buddy Ebsen society!

Carlson: Dr. Adams.
Ruth: Yes Steve?
Mike [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap?

Meacham: What I want to know is...
Exeter: [interrupting] Who we are.... why we're here.
Servo [as Exeter]: And why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.

Adams: Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death.
Exeter: The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams.
Servo [as Exeter]: You fine, foxy lady!

[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.]
Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
Servo [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien!
Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world.
Exeter: Yes, indeed.
Mike [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien.
. . .
Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
Servo [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!

[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack]
Carlson: Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?
Servo: [sarcastically] NO!!!

Mike: So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county?

[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]
Crow: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout!

[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]
Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, A Flock of Seagulls.

[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]
Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
Exeter: They're magnetized.
Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

Exeter: That's enough. Normal view.
Mike, Servo, and Crow: [singing in time with the dramatic music] Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!

Exeter: [to the Mutant] Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK!
Servo: ACTING!
Crow [as Exeter]: Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go...
[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain]

Exeter: RUTH! MEACHAM!
Servo [as Exeter]: I LOVE YOU!
Meacham: [picks up boulder] Stand back, Exeter!
Exeter: Meacham, please! You have to believe me!
Mike [as Exeter]: You're holding a Mutant turd!

[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain]
Crow [as the Mutant]: OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD!

Crow [as Ruth]: Oh, Carl.
Servo [as Meacham]: Uh, Cal.
Crow [as Ruth]: ... oh, Cal.
Ruth: Home...
Meacham: Thank God it's still here.
Crow: And Friday!

Crow: [talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000] "Puppet Wrangler"? There weren't any puppets in this movie!

[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits]
Mike: Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!
Servo: Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!
Crow [as Rando]: Now, we've never met before, have we?

[The name "Julie Walker" appears]
Crow: Julie Walker: Texas Ranger.

[Credit for Eastman Film.]
Servo: Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando!

[Credits end with "all rights reserved"]
Mike: All rights are reserved, Callahan!
Crow [as Clint Eastwood]: Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?

Season 8[edit]

Revenge of the Creature[edit]

[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]
Mike [as George Taylor]: A planet where apes evolved from men?
Professor Bobo: Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.
Mike [as George Taylor]: You did it! You finally did it!
Professor Bobo: [apathetic] "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.
Mike [as George Taylor]: It's a madhouse! A...
Professor Bobo: ...madhouse. I know!

[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]
Servo: Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.

Servo: Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item?

[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]
Mike [as The Gill Man]: [In time with the dramatic music] Here I am! I'm the Creature!
Servo: Boy, Esther Williams didn't age well.

[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]
Crow: This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie.

[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]
Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right.
Servo [as Miss Abbott]: And... evolve.

[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]
Crow [as a New Yorker]: Does he got a thing?

[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]
Crow: Everybody's drifting over to the "World of Barnacles" exhibit.

[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]
Servo: Jeez, the Mengele Institute for Marine Research!

[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]
Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
Mike [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!

The Leech Woman[edit]

[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]
Malla: When we are alone, I will speak.
Crow [as Dr. Talbot]: Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]
Crow [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.

[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]
Crow [as Lion]: Um... hakuna matata?
. . .
[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]
Servo: I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment.

[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]
Neil: Teri... would you marry me?
[Teri pulls away.]
Mike [as Neil]: Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.
Teri: Oh, Neil — I can't.
Servo [as Teri]: Starfleet forbids it.

[During one of the many "African" scenes.]
Mike: Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists.

[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]
Crow: This guy's gonna die of nonchalance.

Mike: This is like a murderous episode of Lucy.

The Mole People[edit]

[During the opening title sequence, the movie credits appear to scroll out of a huge crater]
Mike: Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere.
[John Agar and his team descending into the cavern of the Mole People]
Mike: This movie is just ropes and asses.
[John Agar and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]
John Agar: We'll make camp here.
Crow T. Robot: Then we'll dig our graves over there.

The Deadly Mantis[edit]

Narrator: For every action...
Mike [as Narrator]: There is a Jackson.

[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]
Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
Servo [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy.
Narrator: ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
Mike [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.

[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]
Servo: You know what? Screw you Greenland!

[A volcano erupts.]
Servo [as the Menard's Guy]: It's a magma flow of savings at Menard's!

[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]
Mike: Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist.

[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]
Crow: Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge.

[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]
General Ford: I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
Crow [as Ford]: I'm not gay!

Crow [as Col. Parkman]: But I've got a mantis in my pantis.

Servo: Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy?

The Thing That Couldn't Die[edit]

[The movie opens with the title: The Thing That Couldn't Die.]
Servo: The Strom Thurmond Story!
Mike: Couldn't die or wouldn't die?
Crow: Shouldn't?

[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
Servo: A trade rat?
Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
Servo [as Jessica]: …in Maine.
Mike: You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.

[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]
Mike [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal!
Linda: It still runs.
Servo [as John Cameron Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat.

[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]
Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
Mike [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there.
Servo [as Gordon]: I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.

[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]
Flavia: What's that?
Crow: Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.

[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]
Crow: [singing] There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!

[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]
Crow: The whole movie was leading up to this shot.
Mike [as Announcer]: Brought to you by the Breast Council.
Servo [as Announcer]: Buy breasts where you work or bank!

The Undead[edit]

[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]
Crow: Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]

[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]
Mike: Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
. . .
Mike: This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!

[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]
Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.
Servo [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Quintus: When I touch you…
Crow [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
Quintus: …we will be one.
Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience' sake.

[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]
Servo: Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
Mike: [cringing] Ohh. Damn you, Servo!

[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]
Servo [as Knight]: Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?

[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]
Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
Crow [as Satan]: Route 666!
Satan: …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
Mike [as Satan]: …to sleeping audience.
. . .
Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
Servo: [singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!

[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]
Mike [as Knight]: [in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue] Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!

Mike: I've never known more about what isn't going on in a movie.

Quintus: STAAY!!

Terror from the Year 5000[edit]

{Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin]:
Scientist 1: Now there's an interesting sample!
Crow: Now there's an interesting line read!
Scientist 1: What is it?
Scientist 2: Don't know yet.
Servo: Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.

Claire: I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.
Dr. Hedges: I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.
Servo [as Hedges]: I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! [N]

Servo: All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie.

[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]
Mike [as Hedges]: Now what's going on?
Servo [as Hedges]: Who's that other guy?
Crow [as Hedges]: Where are we going?
Mike [as Hedges]: What is this fluid under my feet?
Servo [as Hedges]: What happened to the day-ball?
Crow: Let's chip in and buy this movie a life.

[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]
Mike: Hey! They whacked Toonces!
Crow: Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.

Dr. Erling: Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?
Crow [as Hedges]: Genocide?
Mike [as Hedges]: Slavery?
Servo [as Hedges]: Diseased blanket spreading?

[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]
Hedges: Is there a good movie in town?
Mike: [snorts] Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?
Crow: Heh heh heh!
[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]
Mike, Crow: Oh.

[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]
Crow [as Victor/Joe Buck]: I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.
Mike: Please! That's a hideous thought.

Servo: This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in The Age of Innocence!
Crow: Or was it Sense and Sensibility?
Mike: I think it was Barfly.
Crow: Yeah, that's it.

The She-Creature[edit]

[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]
Barker Johnny: I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
Servo: So she's a carnival preceder.

[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]
Erickson: Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.
Andrea: I'd like that.
Servo [as Erickson]: Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee?

[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]
Crow [as Erickson/Fuller]: My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth?
Erickson: What year is it, Andrea?
Mike [as Elizabeth]: [singing] The year of the cat.
Andrea/Elizabeth: 1618, the Year of Our Lord.
Servo [as Elizabeth/Eliza Doolittle]: In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.
Erickson: Who is the reigning monarch?
Andrea/Elizabeth: James Stuart.
Mike [as George Bailey]: Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!

[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]
Lombardi: There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?
Erickson: No.
Lombardi: He did what I told him without a single word.
Mike: That's because he's a dog!

[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]
Servo: [gasps] Donald Duck has the Ring of Power!
...
Crow: Frodo goes snorkling!

[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]
Mike: See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card."

I Was a Teenage Werewolf[edit]

[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]
Mike: [singing to the Bonanza theme] We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon...

[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]
Mike: And the 35-year-old high school students look on.

[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]
Mike [as Tony]: But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza.

[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]
Crow: If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.

[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]
Mike [as Frank]: [muttering] "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I thinking? It's like 47 miles!
Crow [as Frank]: I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of.
. . .
Servo: I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.

[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]
Mike [as Arlene]: ...and I like you because...?
Tony: I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this.
Crow [as Arlene]: Because you're a jerk?

Crow: Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a high school!

[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]
Crow: Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
. . .
[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]
Crow: Judy Garland runs out of pills.

[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]
Servo: Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
Mike: I thought the night belonged to love.
Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.

The Giant Spider Invasion[edit]

[First lines of the movie]
Man: Sheriff!
Sheriff [Played by Alan Hale, Jr.]: Hey, little buddy!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer]

[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]
Olga: Wait, you forgot your back brace.
[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]
Mike: Ugh, he's pink!
Servo: I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
Crow: [cheering] Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!

[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]
Servo [as Dan]: Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
. . .
Dan: What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?
Mike [as Dan]: Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!

Servo, Mike, or Crow[As various people in the mob]: Packers!

[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]
Crow: Like a Rock! [N]

[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]
Servo: Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]
Mike: And the movie ramps up the revulsion!
Crow: This movie hates us, doesn't it?

[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]
Ev: Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
Crow: Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
Dan: [walks toward window]
Servo: Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!
[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]
Crow [as Dan]: ...Aryan...Nation...rules...
Dan: [excited] Will you look at that!?
Mike [as Dan]: [excited] I made a [sic] "R"!

[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]
Ev: You look like you could use a drink.
Servo [as Ev]: And a shower, and a job.
Dan: I found another body...
Mike [as Ev]: Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.

[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]
Mike: I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.

[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]
Mike [as Spiders]: We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
Crow: Giant Puppet Invasion!

[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]
Servo [as Spider]: Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!

[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]
Crow [as a mob member]: Free Bobby Seale!
Servo [as a mob member]: Free Mumia!
Mike [as a mob member]: Free beer!

Parts: The Clonus Horror[edit]

[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]
Crow: Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.

[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']
Crow: Apparently e. e. cummings wrote it.

[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]
Crow: Dick Sargent. Didn't he play Dick York on Bewitched?

[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]
Servo [as Guide]: This is not sanctioned, gentlemen. You are doing this on your own…

[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]
Lena: I like it. It gives me time to write.
Richard: Write?
Lena: Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
Crow [as Lena]: I've already filled a Post-it note.

[Clones Len and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]
Crow: Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey!

[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]
Mike [as Richard/Winston Smith]: Whaddya know — we aren't at war with Eurasia!
. . .
[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]
Crow: Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
. . .
Mike [as Richard]: Black helicopter… RoswellArea 51Wacoformula for Coca-Cola

[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]
Rick: You knew about the tape, didn't you?
Jeff: Yeah. You saw the tape?
Rick: Yeah, and it's scary.
Crow [as Rick]: Adam Sandler's in it.

[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]
Servo [as Peter Graves]: "James Arness: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on Biography.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies[edit]

[As the show opens, the Bots are doing walkathons.]
Mike: Uh, what about you, Servo?
Servo: Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
Mike: Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
Servo: No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the acronym, Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".

[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]
Mike: The shroud of David Schwimmer.
. . .
Servo: Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
Mike [as zombie]: You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
Servo: He's turning into a brisket.
Crow: It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.
. . .
Crow: He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
. . .
Crow: Tom Petty in the morning.
. . .
Crow: You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]
Mike: Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.

[On the music in the opening credits]
Crow: The organ has emphysema.
. . .
Mike: Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet.
Servo: [singing to the "Libby's, Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle] If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...
Mike: The music's gonna break into "Chest Fever" any minute.

[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]
Jerry: The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... depressed.
Mike: Goofus and Gallant, the movie.

Jerry: How's college?
Madison: Fine. You should try it some time.
Jerry: No thanks. The world's my college.
Crow: He's taking it pass-fail.

[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]
Mike: Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo: Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.

[The singer and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]
Mike [as Singer]: First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your…
Mike, Crow [as Chorus]: Schick out of shape!
Servo: Now, everybody—shave!

[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]
Servo: [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own gravy.

[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]
Jerry: Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
Harold: Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
Jerry: [shocked] Job?
Servo [as Jerry]: I'm a respected neurosurgeon!

[After seeing who played Madison]
Mike: Madison is, Madison.

Jack Frost[edit]

[Title card is shown.]
Servo:...could eat no...frost.

[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]
Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!

[Russian names are on the screen.]
Mike: These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee.

[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]
Nastenka: Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
Servo [as Sun]: And you are…?
Nastenka: Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
Mike [as Sun]: [beeps] This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]
Servo: Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's fine; you knit your sock.
. . .
Nastenka: Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn!
Mike [as Mafia don]: Some day you'll return the favor...

[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]
Crow: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast Chicken.
Servo: Man, Peter must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.

[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]
Mike: Frodo gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
. . .
Crow: If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!

[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]
Crow: The KGB has her under surveillance!

[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]
Servo: Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in Narnia!

[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a Matryoshka doll.]
Stepmother: Nope! Not a princess.
Servo: She's got that healthy clown glow.
Marfushka: Oh, no?
Stepmother: You are a queen!
Mike: In that you look like Freddie Mercury.

[The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]
Ivan: Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
Fairy: Are you afraid?
Ivan: Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
Mike [as Ivan]: ...the flat part, anyway.

Crow: So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out?

[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]
Frost's Voice: Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
Crow: Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!

[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]
Random Unknown Voice: Look who's here!
Servo: Thank you, Anonymous Voice!
. . .
[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]
Crow: It's a three-pig open sleigh!
Servo: On Wilbur! On Gordy! On Babe!

[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]
Servo: It's…
Mike: It's…
Crow: It's… a convention of Michael Palin imitators!
. . .
Crow: It's the Seven Dwarves! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.

[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]
Hunchback Fairy: My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
Servo: Well, maybe you should have diversified more!

Riding with Death[edit]

[In the middle of a war, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]
Mrs. Forrester: (panting) Just what I need!
Bobo: Medic! Medic!
Observer: [enter] Here I am!
Mrs. Forrester: Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal?
Observer: My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aide. (begins attending to Forrester's wound)
Mrs. Forrester: ...what's that smell?!
Observer: Oh! Mustard gas!
Mrs. Forrester: Mustard Gas! Get the masks!
Bobo: Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of popnids with my knishes for lunch.
Observer: Good god, ape...
Mrs. Forrester: That's it, we're pulling out!
[Clanking sound is heard]
Observer: Hand grenade!
Bobo: Grenade! I'll save you! [throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]
Mrs. Forrester: Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast!
Observer: [looks up] It's a good thing I don't have a body... [flops back down]
[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Tom Servo watch on]
Mike Nelson: Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...
Crow: I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or—
Mike: [ignoring Crow] ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...
Tom Servo: D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.
Crow: Just a little too much.
[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]
Mike: And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired...
Crow: Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda—
Mike: [again ignoring Crow]It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...
Tom Servo: So! Bombs away, Mike!
Crow: Okay, Mike! Bombs away!
Mike: Oh! Right... [Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Tom Servo cheer]
Crow: Bombs away, Mike!
Tom Servo: Bombs away! [to Crow] Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.
Crow: Is that so?
[Mike reenters without the bomb]
Crow: Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee...
Mike: There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...
Crow: A little distraction!
[Mike and the bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]
Crow: [gets back up] Okay...few things, Mike. First, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?
Tom Servo: Think so...
Crow: Second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!

[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]
Servo: [Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]
Mike: Universal, except for you, Ron.
Crow: You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
Servo: Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.

[As the title appears]
Mike: Hey, the Matthew Broderick story.
Crow: And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.

[During the opening credits]
Mike: Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?
. . .
Crow: Starring rejects from Harry-O.
. . .
Servo: If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
Mike: Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!
. . .
Servo: Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
. . .
Servo: Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?

Crow: Ah, that gooey LA sky.
Mike: Birds? Nope. All dead.

[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]
Mike: The world's most difficult math test.

[A character is spending the scene fiddling with his glasses]
Crow: Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!

[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]
Servo [as Mechanic]: [evilly] They don't call me "Karl" for nothing.

[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]
Sam: Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
Crow: "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
Mike [as Sam]: Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
Servo [as Sam]: My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
Crow [as Sam]: My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours—
Mike, Servo: Ugh— Crow!
. . .
[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]
Mike [as Sam]: Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
Crow: You said I was bad.
Mike: You inspired me.

[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]
Crow [as Buffalo Bill]: Dukes of Hazzard got renewed!

[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]
Mike [as Denby]: Cupcake! Get Twinkie the Kid and Fruitpie the Magician!

Agent for H.A.R.M.[edit]

[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]
Mike: Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
Crow: Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts
Servo: Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.
. . .
[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]
Mike [as Adam]: Solid balsawood, baby!
. . .
[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]
Adam: This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.
Mike: The judo range?
. . .
Servo [as Adam]: Meet me at the karate rink later.
. . .
[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]
Adam: Judo range!
Crow [as Adam]: Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too.
Mike [as Student]: Gotta get into my judo bikini.

Adam: You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
Crow: And hula hoops and dungarees?
Adam: Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!
Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]: I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]
Crow: Mike, why were you choking the monkey?
Mike: Because Bobo is such...HEY!!

[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]
Ava : Are you coming, or do I swim alone?
Crow [as Adam]: Yes, and yes.

[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]
Crow: This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % [bleep]ing not guilty. And if you [bleep]s don't [bleep] find him innocent, then you can just [bleep]ing kiss my fat [bleep]ing [bleep]. And that [bleep]ing goes for your bull[bleep] court system, too! Mike, I'm so [bleep]ing sorry I couldn't [bleep]ing be there for this [bleep]ing [bleep]y really bogus trial, man. But let me [bleep] tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd [bleep]ing kick everyone's fat stupid [bleep]ing behinds and then cram it up their [bleep]ing [bleep]. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this [bleep] helps. Take care, Mike.

[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]
Mike: Here's the wind up....
[Adam smiles smugly to himself]
Mike: ...and there's the smarm!

Tom: He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA!

[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]
Mike [as Adam]: Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger!
Tom: Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you!

Prince of Space[edit]

[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]
Mike: I'm in space already! Damn!

[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]
Mother: The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.
Crow: ...the dining room?

[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]
Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
Crow: Crank whore?
Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
Servo [as TV Advert. announcer]: Veterans cannot be turned down!
. . .
Crow [as Mickey]: That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it very much!

[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]
Crow [as Headline]: Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.
Mike [as Headline]: Truman Capote Sent to Fight Krankor.

[Camera focuses on the alien ships 'periscope'.]
Crow [as periscope]: I am the lemon zester of destruction!

Crow: A rare Godzilla-free day.

[We hear a barking dog running past]
Tom [As dog, with Japanese accent]: Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!
[A police car drives past in the same direction]
Mike: After that dog!

[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]
Servo [as Prince of Space]: Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway.
. . .
[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]
Crow [as Prince of Space]: I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!

[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]
Mike: An exchange of deadly negative scratches!

[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]
Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren!
Mike: "Kill some diffren"?
Servo: "Diffren"?
Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
Crow: You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?

[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]
CO: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
Mike [as CO]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese.

[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.]
Mike [as Prince of Space]: Swing me over there, trusty string!

[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]
Crow [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun!
Mike: The upper half of a Hopper painting.
Servo [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken!
Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh!
Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?!

[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]
Phantom: What a fool!
Servo [as Phantom]: He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?

Crow: [on the Prince of Space] His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies.

Wally: Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen!
Mike [as Wally]: Get out of my wine!

Horror of Party Beach[edit]

[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]
Servo: A-hehehehe! Horror!
Crow: Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip!

[During a driving scene]
Mike: Nude driving: a new fad among the teens.

[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]
Mike: What is "additional dialogue", anyway?
Crow: Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?"

Crow: Sturgis: a city on the move!

Crow: I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own *head* with drawn butter.

[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]
Crow: Men should not have bikini areas!

[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]
Mike: I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.

[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]
Crow: MY SKULL!

[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]
Crow: Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
Servo: So, radiation has a sense of humor!

[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]
Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]: [singing to "Chances Are"]
Chances are
That I'll kick your scrawny ass...
. . .
[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]
Mike [as Gang Leader]: You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers.

[The monsters attack an all-girl slumber party]
Mike: [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel compelled to raid.
Servo: Every male of any species has the biological urge to panty-raid.

[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look Polish"]
Mike: Wait— "Look Polish?"
Servo: Huh?
Mike: It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—see? It says "Look Polish"!
Servo: "Look Polish"!
Crow: Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"

[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]
Elaine: [whispering] I hear something.
Servo [as Elaine]: [whispering] He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!

Tom: What are we looking at and why are we looking at it?

[The time of day has been changing]
Tom: Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... .

Devil Doll[edit]

[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]
Crow: Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
Servo: Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free.
[Later in the same shot]
Crow: Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....

[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a rotary phone]
Servo: So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years?

[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]
The Great Vorelli: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger...
Servo [as the Great Vorelli]: Then I'll be right back.
The Great Vorelli: That he may die at any moment.
[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]
Crow [as the Great Vorelli]: Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU!

[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine]
Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
Mike [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!

[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]
Crow [as Hugo]: You think he likes ham? Wait 'til you see me like ham!

[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]
Mercedes: He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and...looked at the ceiling. Then...he died. He died.
Mike [as Mark]: Did he live?

[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]
The Great Vorelli: Hugo...
Mike [as the Great Vorelli]: Have you been shaving your legs with this again?

[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]
Mike [as Hugo]: Please cover my cage...

[Mark English (played by William Sylvester) is sleeping]
Servo: You know, Kubrick saw this scene and said "We found our Heywood Floyd!"

[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]
Hugo: Attica! Attica!

Invasion of the Neptune Men[edit]

[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]
Tibana: So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex.
Mike: The "Roji-Panty Complex"?

Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]: HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous.

[The Neptune Men approach Earth]
Mike: Shoot at Earth all you want, just get Bill Maher.

[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]
Servo [as the Japanese]: Oh, let's call our friends the Koreans! Oh, oh no—the Russians! Well, no. The Chinese! Oh, well, I guess not.

[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]
Mike: I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie.

[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]
Crow: So whatever happened to Space Chef?
Mike: That's "Chief."
Crow: Chief Chef?

Crow: Y'know, Space Chief should try going into space sometime!
Servo: Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief.
Mike: Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief.

[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of Hitler being blown up]
Crow: [royally confused] What the...?
Servo: They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?
Crow: All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
Mike: The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...
Crow: They blew it up!
. . .
Crow: Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where you grew up?
Mike: Not, uh...no. No.
Crow: Sure?
Mike: ...Yeah.
. . .
[Another spaceship begins to dive]
Crow: What next? The Mussolini Mall?
Servo: Yeah! Followed by the Pinochet Petting Zoo!

[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]
Crow: So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about stock footage that would get us through this?
Servo: Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... [thundering] EAT IT, MOVIE!
Crow: Whoa! Whoa!
Servo: [still ranting] TAKE THIS STUPID LITTLE COCKROACH OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP SOOOOO TIGHT, AND THEN RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR [begins sobbing]

[The main hero prances around in a fight with the enemy]
Crow: They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.
. . .
[During the "fight", a senior Neptune Man stares out of the rocket's window as his comrades ineffectually stagger about]
Crow [as Neptune Man]: ...What the hell are they doing out there?!

[Shot of a radar screen, as the scientists count down]
Scientist: Ten, nine, eight...
Crow: Yeah, yeah, right—one.
Scientist: Seven, six...
Crow: One!
Scientist: Five, four...
Crow: ONE!!!

[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]
Servo: Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space.

Space Mutiny[edit]

[repeated line]
Servo (as various characters): Did you sign Sherry's card?

[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]
Crow: It lists Hitler as a "fairly stable veteran of the Great War."
Mike: Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.
Servo: Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."
Crow: Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?
Mike: Well, I used them when I was a kid. [Blows dust off a volume] They seemed fine then.
Crow: The periodic table has three elements in it, Mike!
Servo: There's a volume for the letter epsilon.
Crow: There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.
Servo: It's got a picture of Stonehenge!
Mike: So?
Servo: Under construction?!
Mike: So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.
Servo: Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.

[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]
Mike: Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!

[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "Battlestar Galactica"]
Mike: Special effects by Industrial Light and Morons.

[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]
Crow [as Lea]: My Buns of Steel videos are in there!

[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]
Servo [as Jansen]: But what of the little children and their toys?

Capt. Devers: Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships.
Cmdr. Jansen: I agree.
Mike [as Jensen]: I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho.

[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]
Mike [as Kalgan]: Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend!

[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]
MacPhearson: Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
Mike: I disagree!
MacPhearson: Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the Southern Sun.
Chief Engineer: Then let him do so alone.
Engineer Parsons: This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.
Crow [as Parsons]: I just have to wet myself first.
MacPhearson: Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?
Chief Engineer: We'll not allow that! No!
Servo: The easily led wise council.
[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]
Engineer Parsons: Let me go, traitors!
Mike [as Parsons]: What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!
Crow: Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!
Servo: Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.
Crow: Death by snicker-snag!
[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick]
Mike: I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!
Servo [as MacPhearson]: Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."
MacPhearson: Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?
Mike: I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!
MacPhearson: Report to the enforcers' bridge.
Servo: Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!

[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]
Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea: Doctor!
Ryder: Doctor.
Crow: Doctor Lady!
. . .
Ryder: I had to eject! I had no other choice!
Servo [as Lea]: That's Doctor I Had No Other Choice!
. . .
[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]
Ryder: Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.
Mike: It's Doctor Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.

[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]
Mike: Oh, no, the death of Rick Springfield!
Servo: I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!

[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]
Servo: Herve Villechaize's Death Car.
Mike: Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
Crow [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of three!
Kalgan: [laughs evilly]
Servo [as Ryder]: Hit the siren! [plays upbeat tempo circus music]
. . .
Crow [as Kalgan]: We need both horsepowers on this thing!
. . .
[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]
Mike [as Bodyguard]: I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!

[The Sting-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]
Servo [as Devers]: [singing] De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...
[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]
Mike: Hey, wait, she's dead!
Servo: Yeah, she's dead!
Mike: She died!
[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]
Capt. Devers: Commander Jansen?
Crow [as Devers]: I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
. . .
[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]
Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
Capt. Devers: Helveca?
Mike [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font!
. . .
Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
. . .
[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]
Mike [as Devers]: 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan.

[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]
Crow [as MacPhearson]: A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

Captain Devers: [referring to another character] Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.
Commander Jansen: Alright.
Crow [as Jansen]: Fetch me my warrior muumuu.

[Dave Ryder shakes hands with Lea's father, Cmdr. Jansen]
Mike: We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.

[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan.]
Mike: There goes a big, brave brick of meat.

[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]
Servo: Toro! Toro! These cars are made by Toro!

Mike: You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur?
Servo: Oh?
Mike: Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."

[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]
Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, white thing?

[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]
Servo: Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!

Kalgan: I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's similar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.
Servo [as Kalgan]: You're too stupid to know anything about dentistry.
Lea: You bastard!
Mike [as Lea]: How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!

[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]
Crow: Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be the future!

[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]
Servo: They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.

[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]
Crow: Slab Bulkhead!
Servo: Fridge Largemeat!
Mike: Punt Speedchunk!
Crow: Butch Deadlift!
Crow: Bold Bigflank!
Mike: Splint Chesthair!
Mike: Flint Ironstag!
Crow: Bolt Vanderhuge!
Mike: Thick McRunfast!
Mike: Blast Hardcheese!
Crow: Buff Drinklots!
Servo: Trunk Slamchest!
Crow: Fist Rockbone!
Mike: Stump Beefknob!
Servo: Smash Lampjaw!
Crow: Punch Rockgroin!
Mike: Buck Plankchest!
Crow: Stump Chunkmen!
Servo: Dirk Hardpec!
Mike: Rip Steakface!
Crow: Slate Slabrock!
Servo: Crud Bonemeal!
Mike: Brick HardMeat!
Crow: Rip Slagcheek!
Servo: Punch Sideiron!
Mike: Gristle McThornbody!
Crow: Slate Fistcrunch!
Mike: Buff Hardback!
Servo: Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
Servo: Blast Thickneck!
Crow: Crunch Buttsteak!
Mike: Slab Squatthrust!
Servo: Lump Beefbroth!
Crow: Touch Rustrod!
Mike: Reef Blastbody!
Mike: Big McLargeHuge!
Mike: Smoke ManMuscle!
Servo: Eat Punchbeef!
Mike: Hack Blowfist!
Mike: Roll Fizzlebeef!

[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]
Servo: Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
Crow: Yeah Mike, this is your music done by your people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
Servo: Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
Mike: Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
Crow: Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
Mike: Uhhh...
[The music slows down to a power ballad style]
Crow: Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
Servo: Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
Crow: Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a second, but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
Servo: And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but no, Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!
Crow: Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
Servo: You're pathetic.
Crow: You and your '80s!
Servo: Your precious '80s!
Crow: You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
Servo: Yeah!
Mike: All right, all right, that's it, that tears it!
[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]
Crow: You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!
Servo: Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't!
[After a while Mike sits up]
Mike: Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.
[Pause of a second]
Servo: Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!
Crow: No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! [sobbing]
Servo: [sobbing] It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!
Mike: No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.
Servo: [sobbing] I'm sorry, Mike!
Crow: [sobbing] Sorry, Mike!
Mike: It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.

Time Chasers[edit]

[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]
Servo [as dog]: [talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
Crow: He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
Mike: [groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.
[The logo fades out]
Servo: [still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents—
Mike: Okay, stop.
Crow: Cut it out.

[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]
Crow: This is like NFL graphics here.
Mike: [imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]

[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]
Nick: Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius!
Servo [as Nick]: A crop-dusting genius!

[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]
Crow: This... is not our star, is it? I will not accept this as our star, sorry.

[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]
Mike [as announcer]: Come on down to parallel parking days.

[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]
Mike: Come to Martin's. WHATUP?!?

[Nick boots up his computer]
Servo [as the old AOL voice]: You've got mail... pattern baldness!

[During the first scene in 2041]
Mike: [derisively] The, uh, future.
[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]
Crow: So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
. . .
Servo: So... 50 years from now will be 3 years from now...
. . .
[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]
Servo: Hey, look—a lesbian... of the future!
[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]
Mike: Food courts... of the future!

[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]
Mike [as Robertson]: Hi, I'm Bob Evil!
Robertson: Trust me.
Servo [as Robertson]: Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]
Guard: Come on, this way! [They run down the false route]
Mike [as Guard]: Even though I see them running the other way!

[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]
Servo: Two kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even I know that's a fashion no-no.

Servo [as J.K.]: I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles!
Crow [as Matt]: I'm a team player!

[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]
Mike [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!

[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]
Servo: Great, now the garbage truck's backing up!

[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]
Servo: I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!!

Crow: The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film.
Servo: Yeah, I think—huh?

[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]
Servo: They're running out of Alt!
[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]
Eddie: And their Miffnots [MPH KNOTS] are goin' down!

Lisa: Nick!
Crow [as Lisa]: I was shaving this morning and got a nick!
[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]
Eddie: [irritated] Get up! You're all right.

[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]
Crow [as Nick]: Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands!

[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]
Crow: 27 Keebler elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
Mike: E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
. . .
Mike: Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
Crow: Oh, he's like poo, all right.
. . .
[as Nick climbs down the tree]
Crow: He's climbing an Ent!
Servo: [in a deep, Entish voice] Hoom hom, get off me, hm.
. . .
[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him]
Crow: He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.

[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]
Servo: Did the tree contribute money to the film? Why are they showing this?

[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]
Servo: So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel.
Mike: Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes.
[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]
Mike: Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...

[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]
Mike: Who's playing the chamber pot?!
[The writer credit appears]
Crow: Written? This movie was written? I don't think so.

[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]
Servo: We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day.

[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]
Servo: Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
. . .
Mike: All these people bear... some responsibility, you know.
[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]
Servo: Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!

Crow: Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin!

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank[edit]

[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]
Servo: Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote!
Mike: Let go of it, man!
Servo: Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your Websters, and your Facts of Lifeses, and your Who's The Bossesesses!
[Movie Sign goes off]
Mike: We got movie sign! [Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]

[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of Raul Julia's head inside a golden electronic cube]
Mike: This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
Crow: It's a Raulbik's Cube!
Servo: Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
Mike: Oh no, don't say it!
Servo: ...Cube-in!
Mike: Ahhh.
[The cube begins to fade away]
Crow: Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!
Servo [as Raul Julia]: But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero!

[The movie's theme plays]
Mike: And now, the news.

[New York City PBS affiliate WNET is credited]
Servo: That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"?

[Title card is shown]
Servo: [with monotone sarcasm] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.

Crow: Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything.

[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]
Mike: Wow. TV's Frank!
Servo: Wow. Frank's really come up in the world.

Crow: Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine.

[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]
Crow: SAT farms of the future!

[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]
Appalonia: He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control.
[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]
Mike: And its effect on Bugs Bunny.
. . .
Servo: Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.
. . .
Appalonia: And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it.
Mike [as Appalonia]: Data entrying with no pants.
. . .
[Fingal gets caught.]
Crow: We now return to Billy Madison.

[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]
Mike: [on the therapist] It's Merv Griffin!
Computer: Ask about his mother.
Servo [as Computer]: Ask if she wears Army boots.
Servo: So againg lesbian nuns run the fututre?

[A shuttle passenger dashes empoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]
Fingal: I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys?
Shuttle Passenger: An anteater... maybe.
Crow: Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]
Servo: Oh, look. Must be a Jack-In-The-Box in the food court.

[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]
Boy: And blue, like this?
Teacher: Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.
Boy: Is it sexy?
Teacher: We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room.
[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]
Servo: [chuckling] The littlest sexual deviant.
. . .
[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]
Servo: There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. [N]

[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]
Servo: Is it "Children of the Damned Day" at the brain institute here?

[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]
Crow: Doctor Who... the hell cares!
Mike: You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too?

[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]
Fingal: At least I'm not an anteater.
Mike: This movie just hates anteaters!
. . .
Fingal: This cost me every credit I have?
Mike: He's gonna start flinging it any minute now!
. . .
Mike [as Fingal]: I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater!

[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]
Fingal: What happened to him? He looks drunk to me!
Crow [as giraffe]: I'm on medication, okay?

[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]
Servo [as Worker]: Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo!

[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]
Crow: Must be Christmas on the Borg ship.
Servo: [singing] See you on the dark side of Raul...

Mike: You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up this cinema.

[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]
Mike: It's Asian Pee-Wee.
. . .
Crow: Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Jazz. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe...

Pierre: Everybody goes to The Place.
Servo [as Co-worker]: You know, when they have to go...

[On the name of "The Place"]
Mike: Formerly "That Other Place".
Servo: Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and this was the name they thought up.
. . .
Servo: Formerly "The Locale".
. . .
Mike: Formerly "The Site".
. . .
Crow: It's changed ownership. Now it's a gentleman's club.

[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]
Professor Bobo: Hey, I can sing, too! [singing off-key] And now you find yourself in '82— [Pearl kicks him in the groin.]

[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]
Mike [as the Fat Man]: All I can eat? The joke's on them!

[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]
Fingal: I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored!
[Mike and the bots all look around]
Servo: OK, which one of us said that?
Crow: I felt it, I don't...
. . .
Fingal: Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer!
Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]: [dully] I'm okay with that.
. . .
[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]
Crow [as co-worker]: My coffee coupon!
...
Fingal: If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work.
Crow: I'll be a better zombie!

[During a rather adult scene]
Mike: Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"...

[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]
Apollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life...
Crow: Whoa!
Apollonia: ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
Servo: Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part?
. . .
Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!
[Apollonia slaps him.]
Crow [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually.
. . .
Apollonia: Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is...
Servo: Well, slapping him seemed like a good start!

[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]
Rick: What're you gonna do?
Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
Mike: Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!

[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]
Computer: What is your access code?
Crow: Where do you want to go today? All over this movie, that's where I want to go.
Computer: Invalid access. Quit or retry?
Servo: I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex.

[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]
Crow: The chairman's got really bad dandruff.
Mike: This is how much pure cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.
. . .
Fingal: I'm not making this up!
Mike [as Fingal]: I'm not cleaning it up either!

Crow: So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the crap out of Fred Rogers.

[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]
Apollonia: Dopples don't dance, they don't make love...
Crow: They're Lutherans!

[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]
Mike, Crow, Servo: [singing to the background music] You can't always get what you want...
. . .
[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]
Servo [as God]: Here's some more commandments I forgot.

Fingal: Shut up, Fat Man!
Mike [as Fingal]: You... you anteater!

[As the Fat Man leaves]
Crow [as Fat Man]: To Wendy's!

[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]
Fingal: Genius. Pure Genius.
Crow: ...couldn't save this film.
. . .
[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]
Servo [as Fat Man]: I'm farting Monopoly cards!
Mike: Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. [chuckles] Sorry.

[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]
Crow [as Fat Man]: Draw... me some butter!

Servo: People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here.

[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]
Mike: Vertigo to hell.
. . .
Servo: You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now!
. . .
[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]
Mike: I love you this much!
[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]
Servo: I don't care for you!

[Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]
Crow: Eating Raul!

[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]
Rick: Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater!
Servo: Lay off the anteaters! Come on!
Crow: Man!

[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie.]
Servo: Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh?

[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "Casablanca".]
Crow [as co-worker]: But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week!

[The theme plays at the end.]
Mike: And now the news.
[Theme plays again.]
Mike: That was the news.

Season 9[edit]

The Projected Man[edit]

[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]
Observer: Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… [increasingly melodramatically] wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. Nepenthe! Nepenthe!
Pearl: You are so gay.
Observer: I could be wrong.

[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]
Man: What's he doing?
Crow: Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine!

[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]
Dr. Hill: You better watch where you're going!
Dr. Mitchell: Pretty you may be!
[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]
Crow [as Guard]: Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
. . .
[Dr. Hill drives away]
Servo: Uh... driving she may be!
[Dr. Hill is parking her car]
Crow: Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
[The car's engine makes odd noises]
Mike: An exhaust system she may need!

[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]
Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat!
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in!
Crow [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans!
Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay.
Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on!
Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
Mike: Are we not blokes?
Prof. Steiner: Relay One.
Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in!
Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end!
[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.]
Crow: Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again!

[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]
Thief: Gloria?
Mike [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A?
Thief: Gloria!
Servo [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo!
Thief: Gloria!
Crow [as Thief]: I hear they got your number.

[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]
Inspector Davis: Can I get on?
Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel] Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out.

[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]
Crow: Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
Servo: Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
Crow: Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?
Mike: Crow!
. . .
[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]
Crow: Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]

The Phantom Planet[edit]

[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]
Crow: Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
Mike: Pat Buchanan's first day as President.

Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
Crow [as Chapman]: Don't hit him...
Makonnen: ...if you just take the time to look at it.
Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen.
. . .
Mike [as Makonnen]: You know, Captain...
Crow [as Chapman]: Shut up, Ray.
. . .
[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]
Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?

[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]
Servo [as Chapman, sickly]: Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!

[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]
Servo: Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Mike: Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
Crow: Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Mike: Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
Crow: I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
Servo: You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...

[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]
Judge Eden: Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
Servo [as Chapman]: …with courage and nudeness.

[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]
Chapman: I don't understand.
Sessom: There are many things you will not understand here…
Crow [as Sessom]: …being an obvious doorknob.

[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]
Servo: Look! Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!

[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]
Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
Servo [as Jury]: [cheering]
We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Guilty! Guilty!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Whoo! Yaaaay!

[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]
Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
Crow: So people are just balloons?

Crow: You know, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eyes!

[During another flashback sequence...]
Crow: We didn't like these scenes the first time!
. . .
[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]
Crow: No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!

[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
White: Chapman! Chapman!
Servo [as White]: You got any gum?
White: Where's Makonnen?
Chapman: He's dead. Gone.
Mike [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.

[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]
Chapman: Now they'll never believe me...
Mike [as Chapman]: [Unemotionally] I'll have to kill them all.

Puma Man[edit]

Kobras: Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history.
Mike [as Kobras]: And there's more salt in ham than in turkey.

Jane: You can't hide this!
Kobras: Who is to prevent me?
Servo: A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair?

[A man is hurled out an office building window.]
Mike: We're downsizing, Steve!

[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]
Crow: Call our 900 number and vote.

Vadinho: My name is Vadinho.
Crow [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion.

[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]
Mike: Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.
Crow: So basically a mild rain could take out that roof.

Crow: [Singing to the Puma Man theme music] Puma Man! He flies like a moron!

[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]
Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.
Crow [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Castaneda.

Kobras: Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him.
Crow: Donald's only use for the word "comb".

[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots]
Mike [as the henchman]: Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
...
[The henchman gets dropped again]
Servo [as the henchman]: My mustache makes me fall sideways!

[Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]
Jane: I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it.
Tony: Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will!
Mike [as Jane]: But my will won't!
Jane: I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance.
Servo: Amelia Airhead.

[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his world domination plans.]
Kobras: When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death!
Servo [as Kobras]: Stuffing or potatoes!

Kobras: Because you come from Earth...
Servo [as Kobras]: Corn grows in you.
Kobras: And to Earth you shall return!
Mike: Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.

[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]
Vadinho: You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone.
Mike: To be left alone—the goal of every great hero!

[As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.]
Crow: So, basically, the hero is this guy. I think it's time we all face that fact!

[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]
Mike: And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe.

Werewolf[edit]

[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]
Servo: I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
Crow: You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Servo: Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey, guys.
Servo: [screams] YAH!
Crow: Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
Mike: [chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Servo: Thank you!
Crow: [backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
Crow: [sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
Servo: [gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]

[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]
Billy: Hey, I got something here!
Crow: It's Ron!

[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]
Crow: Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
. . .
Crow: It's a production of Road House in the Park.
. . .
Mike: And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.

Noel: At the risk of sounding nuts...
Crow [as Noel]: I've replaced my toes with grapes.

[Over a shot of the moon]
Servo [as moon]: Oh, I ate too much - I am a full moon!
Mike: I am gonna hit you so hard...

[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]
Servo: No, wait! It's a gorilla!
[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]
Servo: ...With a dog mask on!

[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]
Servo: I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.

[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]
Noel: Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you?
Crow [as Noel]: You are married to me!

[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]
Paul: I'm actually working on something now.
Natalie: Really? What's the subject matter?
Crow [as Paul]: You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
Mike: Heh, good one!

[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]
Natalie: What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
Servo [as Noel]: [in Grandma voice] You can't handle the truth, deary!
Noel: In due time, you'll know everything.
Natalie: Well, maybe then it's too late!
Mike: Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.

[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]
Mike [as Natalie]: Paul, you is a wahrwilf!

[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]
Natalie: So it all comes to this?
Servo [as Natalie]: The... thing that it comes to?
Natalie: You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
Crow [as Yuri]: Yes, we is.
Natalie: But over my deadBODy. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
Servo [as Natalie]: You is a jerk!

[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]
Crow: Chubby Ramone!

[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]
Sam: Werewolf?
Crow [as Paul]: No, I'm a squirrel monkey; OF COURSE I'm a werewolf, you...

[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]
Crow: Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.

[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]
Mike: Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...
Mike, Crow and Servo: We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU! Tusk!
Servo: Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...
Crow: Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Mike: High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...
Servo: Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Crow: Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!
Mike: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...
Mike, Crow and Servo: Tusk!
Servo: Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...
Crow: And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...
Mike: In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...
Servo: One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!
Crow: Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...
Mike: We were merely freshmen!
Mike, Crow and Servo: Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee! Tusk!

The Deadly Bees[edit]

[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]
Crow: They named every bee? This is gonna take forever...

[Slender British rock band The Birds (not the more famous Byrds) perform a song.]
Crow: [singing] Eight… miles… wrong!
. . .
Servo: Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.

[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.]
Crow: Hey, they're growing Bill the Cat!

[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub]
Hargrove: Morning, David.
Hawkins: Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
Hargrove: Oh, the usual.
Servo: 9 A.M., why so late?
Hargrove: Make it a double, will you?
Crow: Alright, now we're in England.
Mike: Andy Capp: The Movie.

[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.]
Mike: Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins!

[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]
Coroner: Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death?
Hargrove: The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees.
Coroner: And her dog?
Servo [as Hargrove]: Uh, the dog didn't sting her.

[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]
Servo: [singing to "Sleigh Bells"] Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go…
[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]
Crow: Hey, it's Nondescript Spice.
Mike: Whose woods these are?
Crow: Oh, I think I know.
Mike: Huh?
[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]
Servo: [gasps] Killer cookie crumbs!
Crow [as Doris]: Damn, it's that "bee-loud glade" that Yeats spoke of.

[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]
Crow: She still lip-syncs better than Jewel.

[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]
Mike [as Tess]: Avenge me! Ruff!

[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]
Mike [as Hargrove]: If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones.

[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]
Crow: The house was made of typing paper and oily rags.

[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]
Crow [confused]: All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
Servo: Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"?

The Space Children[edit]

Century 21 Calling (short)[edit]

[In the opening credits, we see: Century 21 Calling.]
Mike: Oh! They want their little gold jacket back.

[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]
Crow: Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind.
Mike: Why do you lash out like that?
Crow: I don't know.

[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]
Servo: The only bathroom in the fair is up there.
Crow: Well, I'm glad to know the future has CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC!

[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]
Crow [as nerdy girl]: Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it!

[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]
Mike: Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers?

[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled How Do Animals Learn?]
Crow [as Man]: "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

[A lady at the How Do Animals Learn? exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]
Mike [as lady]: Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird?

Bell Woman: ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest.
[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]
Crow [as nerdy guy]: The Führer will like that!

[A little girl phones her grandmother.]
Grandma: Hello?
Little Girl: Hello, Grandma?
Crow [as little girl]: Where's my money?

[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]
Bell Woman: [voiceover] Want someone else on the line?
Servo [as Customer]: No.
Bell Woman: [voiceover] That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!
Mike: Well, andante, maybe.
Crow [as Bell Woman]: Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls.

[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]
Bell Woman: [voiceover] It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation.
[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]
Crow: Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on you?!

Mike: ...And in the future there will still be a two dollar surcharge for using this service despite the technology having proliferated EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET!

The Space Children (movie)[edit]

Crow: Remind me to never be a child.

[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]
Crow [as Bud]: [mesmerized] Yes — I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales.

[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by Russell Johnson), but is finally caught.]
Crow: Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by "And The Rest"!

[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]
Anne Brewster: How does it tell you, and why?
Bud: I don't think you'd understand.
[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]
Mike [as Anne]: Oh, I'll just go wish myself into the cornfield.

[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]
Dr. Wahrman: And what does it look like?
Crow [as Brewster]: Well, it's got a good personality…

Hobgoblins[edit]

Servo: Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie?

[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]
Mike: What, has he got Pringles in his shoes?
Servo: Proof that janitors walk upright!

[Dennis opens the vault door.]
Mike: Burgess Meredith is inside reading.

[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]
Servo [as Announcer]: Member, FDI-Murder!
Crow [as Announcer]: Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 die! [N]

[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]
Servo: Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
Mike: These are the beginning credits!
Servo: Oh, well, then kill me, please?

A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]
Crow: It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain!
Servo: [singing] Take on me...

Daphne: [singing to "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"] Everybody have sex tonight!
Servo: Everybody throw up tonight.
Crow: Ironically, no one in the band Wang Chung had sex that night.

Watchguard: But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried...
Servo: Sentence fragments. Just phrases.

[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]
Crow: So, does Hardware Hank have a major defense contract, or…?
. . .
[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]
Mike: He's also a black belt in Whac-A-Mole.
. . .
[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]
Mike: Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.

Crow: Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?

Mike: [singing along to generic '80s synth music]
It's the '80s!
Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!

[As the Hobgoblins form up together]
Servo: Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw.

[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]
Servo: Ugh! They made love in their Chevy van and that is not alright with me!

[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]
Crow: So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"?

[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]
Crow: That is not a woman! That's David Lee Roth!
. . .
[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]
Servo: The car will do anything to get out of this movie!
[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.]
Crow: In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were not in the car at the time of the crash!
[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]
Mike [as Kevin]: Look at that guy wave the gel in front of the light!

[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]
Crow: Oh, great! You just shot down Air Force One, you dope!

[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]
Servo: The king of the Wisconsin Dells finally gets a movie.

[Mike and the bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]
Mike Cutout: This sure is a bad movie, won't you?
Servo Cutout: It sure is, you know!
Crow Cutout: Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins."
Mike Cutout: Are you kidding me?
Servo Cutout: Then let's go!
All [singing]: Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo!
. . .
Mike Cutout: Watch out, here comes one now!
Crow Cutout: Look out, you little doodad!
Servo Cutout: Something's sure going to happen!
[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]
Mike Cutout: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... [Speech fades out.]

The Touch of Satan[edit]

[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]
Farmer: Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
Servo: Mercy?
Farmer: ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
Mike [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me.

[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]
Mike: The American Gothic people take revenge.
. . .
[Fade to table of people laughing]
Crow: [as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story] And then he died!
[all laugh]

[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]
Servo: Grandma Kramer!
Mike: A kabuki actor's been hit!
. . .
Luther: What happened? What have you done?
Servo [as Lucinda]: I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!

Servo: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.

[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]
Attendant: That'll be six dollars, even.
Crow [as Attendant]: Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
. . .
Attendant: See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
. . .
Jody: Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.
[Jody drives off.]
Servo [as Attendant]: Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.

[Over a shot of the forest]
Mike: [singing] But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...
Crow: [stern] Mike, stop it now.
Mike: ...Sorry.

Jody: This your pond?
[Lengthy pause]
Crow [as Jody]: You can take your time, it's a tough question.
Melissa: It belongs to my father.
Jody: Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond?
Servo [as Melissa]: As long as you don't hit his favorite frog.
[Another pause]
Melissa: I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car?
Jody: Yeah.
Servo [as Melissa]: Mind if I skip rocks across it?

[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]
Melissa: This is where the fish lives.
[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]
Jody: Why did you run?
Servo [as Melissa]: 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
Melissa: I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
[A pause.]
Mike [as Jody]: You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
Crow [as Jody]: This is where my tongue lives.

[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]
Mike [as Barney Fife]: I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car!

[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]
Crow: She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change.

[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]
Mike [as townsfolk]: Oh, and "go Packers" too, but mostly burn the witch.
. . .
[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.]
Strickland: "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
Servo [as Strickland]: ...said Madeleine.
Strickland: "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
Crow [as Strickland]: Tsch. Bunch of crap.
Strickland: "A dreadful sound is in his ears."
Mike [as Strickland]: It's Paula Cole, I think.
Strickland: "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]
Strickland: What is it, child?
Young Lucinda: I thought I heard something.
Strickland: Pay attention to the word of God.
Servo [as Strickland]: For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
Strickland: "Yea..."
Crow [as Strickland]: "...team!"
Strickland: "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
Mike [as Strickland]: "...by ten-thirty…"
Strickland: "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
Servo [as Daughter]: Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
. . .
[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]
Mrs. Strickland: What is it, David?
Crow: It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
Young Melissa: Papa, what is it?
Crow: [irritated] People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at all?

[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]
Servo: [singing along] "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice."

[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]
Servo [as Lucinda]: I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened!

Gorgo[edit]

[Over the title screen]
Mike: The Vice President's unimaginative campaign slogan.

[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]
Servo: This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good.

[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]
Mike: And...?
[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]
Mike: Oh, they're fine!
Crow: [singing to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"]
They got into port and everyone was okay.
They went out for lunch and felt better...

[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]
Sam: Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
Mike: Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm.

[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]
McCartin: After you load with water… you leave. Tonight!
Joe: The sooner, the better!
Servo [as Joe/Cheerleader]: The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
Crow [as Sam/Cheerleader]: Yay!

[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]
Mike: Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by Cromwell or infested by leprechauns they've got this guy!

[A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.]
Crow [as sailor]: Am in Ireland, send real food.

[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]
Crow: I didn't know elephants exploded on impact!

[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]
Servo: Maybe Mary Poppins flies in and kicks his ass?
Mike: That I'd pay to see.

[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]
Servo: I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.
Crow: Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.
Servo: Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?
Crow: Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.
Servo: D'oh!
Mike: Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work!
Crow: [lewdly] Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.
Mike: That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I—
[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]
Mike: You know what I mean. Stop it.

[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]
Servo: Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now.

[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]
Sean: She's going back now—back to the sea.
Servo [as Sean]: ...With the blood of many on her scales.

The Final Sacrifice[edit]

[On the SOL, Gypsy turned off the power for maintenance. The Bots have looted the SOL]
Crow: If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender.

[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]
Mike: I understand everything up to the word "A".
Crow: He comes from a long line of great anuses.
. . .
Crow: That's an anagram for "direct to video!"

[On the name Bharbara Egan.]
Crow: That's an illegal use of a silent consonant!

[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]
Mike: You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it.
Servo: Already.

[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]
Servo: Seven years after the credits?
Mike: [confused] I guess.

[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]
Crow [as figure]: Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
. . .
Mike: Heh... you know, people are just dying to—
Tom: [sharply] No.
Mike: ...Sorry.
. . .
[Troy visits his father's grave.]
Troy: [voiceover] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
Mike [as Troy's Father]: I died.

[Troy enters his attic.]
Mike: Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays.
. . .
[Troy opens a trunk.]
Crow [as Troy]: This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters.
Servo: Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown.
Mike [as Troy]: I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here.
. . .
Servo [as Troy]: Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk.
[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]
Crow [as Troy]: Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon.
[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]
Mike: Larry Czonka!
[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]
Servo [as Troy]: Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich.
Crow [as Troy]: I've got to find the warranty on this sweater.
[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "LEMON MINE".]
Mike: No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!!

[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]
Servo: It's open!
. . .
Crow [as henchman]: Can I interest you in a replacement door?

[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]
Mike: Canadian villain Garth Vader. [N]

[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]
Mike [as Cultist]: Damn you, Pee-Wee!

[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]
Crow: Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot.

Zap Rowsdower: What's your name, laddie?
Troy: Troy MacGregor.
Zap Rowsdower: I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.
Crow: Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater!
[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]
Mike: Rowsdowermobile, away!
Servo: And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta!

[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]
Crow: [frustrated] I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here!

[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]
Zap Rowsdower: Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with?
Crow [as Rowsdower]: They're from Saskatchewan!
Troy: No.
Zap Rowsdower: It's a cult.
Servo [as Rowsdower]: They worship blue oysters.
Zap Rowsdower: They want to rule the world.
Troy: How do you know?
Zap Rowsdower: I've been around, kid.
Crow [as Rowsdower]: And I've been a square kid.
Servo: D'oh!

[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]
Mike: [imitating the engine] Rowsdower-er-er-er-er...

Rowsdower: Go to hell!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Or at least Edmonton!

[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]
Troy: FOOD!
Crow [as Rowsdower]: Yeah, no beer, though.
Pipper: Hey! Who goes there?!
Servo [as Troy]: More FOOD!
Pipper: What the hell you doin' here?!
Crow [as Troy]: We were eating your FOOD!

[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]
Pipper: McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son?
Troy: Yeah! Did you know him?
Servo [as Pipper]: Know him? He was delicious!

[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]
Mike: Hey, how'd he get his pants clean?
Servo: Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry.
. . .
Crow: [singing] You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...
Crow and Servo: We will, we will ROWSDOWER!
Crow: SING IT!
[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]
Crow: We will, we... [normally] Oh, guess that's over.

[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]
Servo [as Satoris]: You shot me in the butt! What the hell?! You shot me IN THE BUTT!

[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]
Servo: Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world!
Crow: He comes to save the day in a broken truck.
Mike: With a stinky denim jacket on his back.
Crow: He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked!
Mike: But at least we didn't have to see him play [falters] h-hackey sack....
Servo: What?!
Mike: Sorry, I panicked.

Devil Fish[edit]

[The film's title is shown.]
Servo: The story of Aleister Crappie!

[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]
Peter: Janet! Janet!
Servo [as Peter]: Oh, sorry, I forgot. I'm nasty, Miss Jackson!

[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]
Dr. Davis: Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor.
Dr. West: In his hands.
Dr. Davis: Exactly.
Crow [as Davis]: Yeah, thanks for helping me out there.

[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]
Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]: Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade!
Servo: I bet they hired every nature-hating psycho in Dade County.

[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]
Servo: See the Human Lady!

[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number one. Report in.
Squad Member: Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet.
Crow [as Squad Member]: B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet, over.
. . .
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Servo [as dead squad member]: We done been et, over!
. . .
Sheriff Gordon: Squad number two. Squad number two!
Crow: Oh, they'll be number two soon enough.
. . .
[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]
Servo [as Devil Fish]: [singing to Neil Young's "Southern Man"] Southern man, gonna eat your head!
. . .
[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]
Crow: Well, this should take care of every living thing in the Everglades.
. . .
[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]
Servo [as Sheriff]: Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms!
Crow: Does the Coast Guard have a lot of use for flamethrowers?
. . .
[Close up of burning water.]
Mike: Eww, someone threw a match on the Cuyahoga River.

The Screaming Skull[edit]

Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)[edit]

Crow [as Gumby]: One of my classmates died in the kiln today, mother.

Tom Servo: The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk.

[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]
Crow: Hey, don't! That's Wallace and Gromit's yard!
[Another robot chops down a tree.]
Mike: Hey! That's old-growth clay!
. . .
[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]
Crow: Habitat Against Humanity.

[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]
Crow [as Weatherman]: It's a fair to partly-cottony day…

Gumby's Mother: Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk!
Servo: Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later!

[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]
Crow [as mobster]: Gotta move this body back upstate.

[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]
Servo: Liquid metal!
[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]
Mike [as Gumby]: Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil!

[Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]
Mike [as Gumbo]: Thank goodness for the internal genitalia!

[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]
Crow [as Gumby's Mother]: That squares my breasts!

[Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.]
Mike [as Gumbo]: Son, I'm gunna need a can of Play-Doh to replace my butt.

[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]
Servo: Aah! They hung his head! Oh…
Crow: Now I'm ready for years of powerful Adlerian therapy, Mike.
Servo: They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than Se7en!
Mike: Hey! His bump is on the other side!

The Screaming Skull (movie)[edit]

Eric: Jenni, this is Mickey.
Mike [as Eric]: Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare!

[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]
Servo: Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well!

[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]
Mike [as Rev. Snow]: Have you tried talking to your minister about this?

[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]
Servo [as Eric]: Don't you make that skull face at me, missy!

[Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...]
Crow: [impatient] Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something?

[In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.]
Crow: GET A BOX!

[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]
Servo: Kiri Te Kanawa is drunk again!

[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]
Crow: Oh, great! She's playing her Yoko Ono albums.
Mike: I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, semicolon, Skull".

[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]
Mike: Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually.

[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]
Crow: Everyone knows it's Slink-skull!

Crow: So, this movie's kind of a combination of "The Tell-Tale Heart", Blithe Spirit, and...well, a piece of lint, I guess.

[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.]
Crow: Settled in a divot.
[The skull twitches.]
Servo: Woof!

Quest of the Delta Knights[edit]

Crow: Well, better than "Quest of the Delta Burke", I suppose

Narrator: Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous.
Crow: Jimmy Carter was in office.

[David Warner appears.]
Crow [as David Warner]: [apologetic] In it for the money, folks.

[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]
Baydool: ¿Como te llamas?
Servo [as Tee]: Yeah, yo quiero Taco Bell, whatever.
. . .
Baydool: Comment vous-appelez vous?
Crow [as Tee]: Je m'appelle… Bite Me!

[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]
Pearl [as Tee]: I'll see if Bombadil has a place to crash.

Tee: I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master".
Crow [as Tee]: Right, Mr. Bater?

[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]
Pearl: Ew, wizard whiz!
Crow: Drain the wizard!

[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]
Servo [as Tee]: Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im!

[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]
Servo [as Slave]: Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am?
. . .
Lord Vultare: We've rounded up a number of suspects.
Crow [as Vultare]: …including Kevin Spacey.
Lord Vultare: I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order.
Mannerjay: What of the map?
Lord Vultare: No word. It seems…
Pearl [as Vultare]: …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy?

[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]
Baydool: These will put anyone to sleep in no time.
Crow: They're tiny James Michener books!

[After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.]
Tom: The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well.

[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]
Servo: Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me.

[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]
Loony Henchman: I'm com-iiiing!
Mike [as The Prince]: Put a sock in it, Legolas!

Tee: When in doubt, rest.
Crow: You are full of crap beyond your years, kid.

[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]
Servo: Tee pities the fool who gets in his way.

[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]
Servo [as Vultare]: Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation.

Season 10[edit]

Soultaker[edit]

[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]
Crow: Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash!
Mike [as Soultaker/Cash]: [singing to "I Walk the Line"] Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit.

[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to 60 Minutes.]
Servo: I'm Ed Bradley...
Mike: I'm Steve Kroft...
Crow: I'm Lesley Stahl...

[The title card swoops into view.]
Servo [as Don Cornelius]: The SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!

[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.]
Crow: That's not Natalie, that's Tonya Harding!
. . .
[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan!

[some jokes about Brad's car]
Crow: Ugh, that car must reek of Arby's!
. . .
Mike: I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of Marlboro Lights and Hardee's out of the upholstery!

[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]
Natalie: Karen!
Mike [as Karen]: Sorry! Love is lifting me up where I belong!
. . .
[Natalie stomps in frustration.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: The lace on my skate broke!
. . .
[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: Jeff Gillooly did it!

[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by Joe Estevez) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.]
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you.

[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.]
Mike [as tree]: Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time.

[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]
Mike: She's survived by her Danskins.
. . .
[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]
Servo [as Natalie/Tonya]: Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you!

[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]
Tommy: What do you want?
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Do you have a phone, so I can call Martin to take over my role?

[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]
The Soultaker: [ominously] It's Closing Time!
Servo: Does that mean that every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end?

[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]
Tommy: Thanks!
[The woman laughs it off.]
Mike [as Woman]: I just got assaulted, it's fun!

[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]
Natalie: My mom! He's done something to my mom!
Zach: No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital.
Natalie: What?
Mike [as Zach/Actor]: Hey, look—you wrote this crap!

[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]
Mike: [singing in Peter Frampton/talkbox voice] I wanna thank you.

[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]
Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
Crow: We have! Can we go?!

[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]
Crow [as Soultaker]: Muhuhahahahaha! You're it!
Soultaker: It's all over now.
Servo: Oh, ho, I wish that were true!

Girl in Gold Boots[edit]

The movie opens with scantily clad women dancing.
Servo: Ah, shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie?

[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]
Crow: What happens when you touch gold?
Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]: Everything I touch turns to flies.

Michelle's Father: Don't get smart with me!
Michelle: I'm not getting smart!
Mike [as Michelle]: I can't!

[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]
Buz: What's wrong?
Crow [as Michelle]: I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!"

[voice over] there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out)
Crow: You can say that ag-

[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]
Mike [as Buz]: Wh... oh, a gun. So that was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.

Critter: I'll have ten Hershey bars.
Crow: Tin Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat.
Michelle: That'll be one dollar.
Servo [as Critter]: I've got a "Happenings" coupon!
Critter: Can you cash a hundred?
Michelle: I've never even seen one!
Critter: Fifty?
[Michelle shakes her head "no."]
Mike [as Critter]: Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess.

[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]
Servo [as Buz]: I'm back!
...
Mike [as Buz]: Anybody notice that I'm here now?
...
Crow [as Buz]: C'mon, I just teleported here! It's impressive!

Critter: Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of Nepalese money.
Crow: From the land of Nipples!
. . .
[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]
Mike [as Buz]: Your money's from Senegal!
. . .
[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]
Critter: Yeah, I can come up with my own share.
Mike [as Critter]: Ah, here's some Guatemalan quetzal.

Gas Station Attendant: Will this be cash or charge?
Buz: Cash.
[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]
Crow: On second thought, I'll just put it on my gun!
Servo: Heh, that guy's totally pistol-whipped, man.
. . .
[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]
Mike [as Buz]: Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.
Servo [as Buz]: Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store!

[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]
Mike: She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer.

[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]
Mike [as Man]: [politely] Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"?
[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]
Servo [as Man]: No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"

[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]
Harry: I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. [Points to Buz.]
Mike: Boy?!
. . .
Leo: Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. [Pulls Buz aside.]
Servo: I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!
. . .
Crow [as Buz]: Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime!
. . .
[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]
Harry: I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.
[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]
Mike [as Harry]: Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!
. . .
Mike [as Buz]: Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people and I killed a guy!
Servo: Well, what do you expect, he's only a child!

[At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]
Servo: Oh, so he learns he enjoys violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta.
. . .
[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]
Servo: Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
Mike: So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
. . .
Servo: She's dancing the specials at T.G.I. Friday's.
Crow: Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the Jack Daniel's grill.
. . .
Critter: [singing] But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
Servo: [singing] You're living a lie.
Critter: [singing] You gotta come down.
Servo: [singing] You dance like a clown.
Critter: [singing] By and by.
Servo: [singing] I hope that you die!

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders[edit]

Pearl [introducing the movie]: I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders, and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain!

[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]
Grandpa: Uh-oh!
Crow [as Grandpa]: We better eat all the ice cream!

[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]
Servo [as the star]: [straining] Twinkle! [grunts] That's all I got.

[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]
Mike: Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.

Cooper: [snidely] Allow me to introduce myself.
Servo [as Cooper]: I'm Bob Jackass.

[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]
Servo [as Cooper]: Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities!

[Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]
Mike: Clearly, Merlin has brought good into the world!

[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]
Servo [as Miffy]: Meow, meow... safe! Meow, meow... very safe!

[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]
Servo [as Madeline]: Honey? You okay down there?
Mike [as Cooper]: Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!

[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]
Merlin: Don't I get a kiss?
Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
Mike: So, she threatened him with sex?

[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]
Mike: Why, here's something else Satan created: Japanimation!
Servo: It's the anime version of Peter Rabbit.

[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]
David: God help me!
Servo [as God]: Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. [muttering] You're on your own.

Crow [as Merlin]: I'm going to hit the mystical can.
. . .
Crow [as Merlin]: Remember to believe in magic... or I'll kill you.



Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]: I did a good job painting this room



Crow: And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief!

Servo [as the kid]: No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]: Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!

[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]
Merlin: Heed my words....
Mike [as Merlin]: ...munch my shorts....

[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]
Cooper: Do you know who I am? I am the supreme being!
Servo: Clapton?
Cooper: I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
Mike: [laughs] Why?

[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]
Merlin: Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
Mike [as Merlin]: ...you fine!

[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]
Crow : Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.

[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]
Servo [as the Kid]: [slowly] Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy!

[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]
Cooper: You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
Crow [as Cooper]: My cheek-lines disagree.

[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]
Crow [as Grandpa]: I have another script called Chinatown, but I don't like it as much.

Future War[edit]

[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].
Mike: In association with Bob Tet Offensive Productions.

[The opening credits identify actor Robert Z'Dar.]
Servo: Oh z'no.

[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor Daniel Bernhardt) creeps along a wall.]
Servo: Hey, it's Jean Claude Van Damme!
Mike: Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]
Crow [as Fred]: Am I Ving Rhames? I can't remember.

[A midget Tyrannosaurus rex (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]
Crow: He's a Cute-a-saurus!
[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]
Servo: He's being attacked by a schnauzer in a dinosaur costume.
[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]
Mike: [laughs] Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]
Servo: Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!

[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]
Mike: You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster.

[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]
Mike: Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
. . .
Mike: Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
. . .
[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]
Crow: He's boxed in!
Mike: Yeah, well, I'm card-bored.

Mike:Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty
Servo [makes whistle sound] fifteen yards.

[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]
Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]: So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right?

Ann: Hey, how did you know who I was?
Officer: Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
Mike: Fred Burrows?
Servo: Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.

...

[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]
Crow [as the Runaway]: Fred Burrows! Help me!

[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]
Ann: DRIIIIIVE!
Mike: SUUUUURGE!
Ann: DRIIIIIIIIVE!
Crow [as driver]: Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go faster, then you need to tell me that.

[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]
Mike: According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock.

[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]
Crow: Introducing new, faster seconds!

[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]
Crow [as Ann]: I'm fretting. See, audience? I'm fretting.

Servo: This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf.
Mike: Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.

[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]
Crow: OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it.

[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]
Mike: Huh??
Servo: The movie that packs more "Huhs" per second!

Ann: Everything he wanted was everything I needed...
Crow [as Ann]: So neither of us actually got anything.

Crow: I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain.

Blood Waters of Dr. Z[edit]

Servo: Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem.

[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.]
Mike: Please enjoy a fish anus.

[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the walking catfish moves.]
Narrator: Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail.
Crow [as Narrator]: ...like Courtney Love.

[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]
Mike: He's a Cop-a-feel-acanth.

[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her jumpsuit.]
Servo: Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
Crow: A-are you sure you're buying the right kind of jumpsuit?
Mike: Hmmm...

[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]
Servo: [excited] Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? Catfish Hunter, that's who! Ha ha ha!
Mike: [unimpressed] Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name.
Crow: Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work.
Servo: [deflated] Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often.
Mike: But it only works if you get the correct, current name.
Servo: [disappointed] So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh...
. . .
Mike: Tom, are... are you sulking?
Servo: [angrily] No!
Mike: Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke...
Crow: No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick...
Mike: Ssshh! He's suffered enough.

Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues[edit]

Servo: And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone!

[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]
Mike: A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a cheese wedge.

[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]
Servo: And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying rat.

[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]
Doc: Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
Servo [as Doc]: Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.

Mike [as Lockhart]: We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch.

[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]
Crow [as Lockhart]: Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets?

[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]
Servo: Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the War against Northern Aggression?

[Tim is walking around shirtless]
Crow: Geez, kid, do a push-up.

[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]
Mike [as the Creature]: Well, I'll be damned... farmers do exist!

[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]
Crow [as Tim]: Can I borrow a cup of shirt?

[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]
Servo: Lucy Bra-less!

Leslie: [Over a walkie-talkie.] Tanya, do you read?
Mike [as Tanya]: Third grade level!

[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]
Crow [as Doc]: Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my gaydar.
. . .
Doc: [over CB] Tim?
Crow [as Tim]: Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie?

[Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.]
Leslie: [over the walkie-talkie] He's close to you!
Doc: My left or my right?
Servo: Well, which way are you facing, idiot?

[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]
Mike [as Doc]: I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets.

Track of the Moon Beast[edit]

[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]
Kathy: Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
Paul: Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
Mike [as Paul]: Like Wahoo McDaniel.
Paul: It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
Crow [as Kathy]: Oh! Is he seeing anyone?

[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]
Crow [as God]: Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)!

[A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.]
Kathy: Paul, are you alright? What happened?
Servo: She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" a lot.

[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]
Paul: I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place.
Servo: Dozens! No, hundreds of antiseptics!
Kathy: Your place?
Paul: Yeah, my place.
Mike: I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
Kathy: Fine. Your place, then.
[Thunder rumbles.]
Crow [as God]: Not his place! Fornicators!

[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]
Servo [as Paul]: Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth.

[Paul rises after fainting.]
Paul: I guess I blacked out.
Mike: Um, excuse me, you African-Americaned out.

[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.]
Mike: He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom!
Crow: Maybe he has a trampoline in there.
. . .
[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]
Mike [as Lizard]: Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do?

[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]
Crow: Tha— That's just a picture of the moon!
Servo: Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.

[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]
Mike [as Boy]: Thanks for the stereotype music!

[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]
Mike: Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.[N]

[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for U.S. Route 66.]
Crow: Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee!

[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]
Kathy: Johnny, you can't do this! Paul's your friend! Paul—
Johnny: PAUL IS NOT PAUL ANYMORE!
Crow [as Johnny]: HE'S SUPER PAUL!

[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]
Servo [as Johnny]: I see... a huge casino!
Mike: Oh, come on.

Final Justice[edit]

Mike: Aw, can't I have just one more justice?

[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palmero to Italy.]
Wilson: Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
Mike [as Wilson]: That's hard to do!

Crow: Guests of Final Justice fly TWA.

Mike: Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37.

[Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.]
Servo: Ugh, he's sweating palm kernel oil!

[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]
Mike [as Announcer]: Cars provided by Matchbox.

Maltese taxi driver: Do you know John Wayne?
Mike [as Geronimo]: Gacy, yes!

[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]
Servo: The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly.

Geronimo: Carnival? Is it a big carnival?
Crow [as Geronimo]: Can I get a balloon?

[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]
Mike: Guess he's a... felonious monk!
. . .
Servo [as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!

[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]
Mike: Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.

Hamlet[edit]

[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]
Mike: San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare.

[The members of court are performing a dance.]
Servo: [singing] "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!"

[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]
Servo [as Hamlet]: Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
. . .
[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]
Mike [as Hamlet]: [in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.

Crow [as Hamlet]: Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project?

Servo [as the Ghost]: SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story.

[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]
Ophelia: My prince…
Servo [as Ophelia]: … are back from Fotomat.
. . .
Hamlet: I never gave you aught.
Crow [as Ophelia]: Tscha!
Ophelia: My honored prince… you know right well you did.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Right well did not!

King Claudius: I like him not...
Crow [as Claudius]: I like him. NOT!

Hamlet: To be or not to be...
Mike: The literary equivalent of "Da-da-da-dunnn!"
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler!
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?
Mike: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die: to sleep.
Crow: Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub.
Hamlet: No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...
Mike: Ok, we need a predicate, now.
Hamlet:...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man! [snickers]
Mike: Oh, you...
Hamlet: To die, to sleep.
Servo: To SLEEP!
Mike: Whoa, that's an old chesnut.
Hamlet: To sleep...
Servo: To SLEEEEEP
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM?
Servo: The impossible DREAM?
Hamlet: Aye, there's the rub.
Mike: I knew I had some rub left...
. . .
Hamlet: ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe.
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear...
Mike': Ha, fardels...
. . .
Hamlet: And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others--
Servo: SUM UP!
Hamlet: --that we know not of?
. . .
Mike: So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say!

[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.]
Hamlet: Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
Crow [as Polonius]: Oh, right, it's my fault you killed me.

Hamlet: Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Fifty thousand, maybe.

[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]
Hamlet: Give us the foils.
Servo [as Hamlet]: We shall some potatoes bake.

[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]
Claudius: Here, to thy health.
Servo [as Claudius]: ...coming to a sudden end.

[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]
Mike [as Claudius]: Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again...

[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]
Mike: Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball".

It Lives by Night[edit]

Crow: Well, it shouldn't drink so much coffee!

[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]
Mike [as Kipling]: Posed like this in Playgirl, only without my pants!

[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]
Mike [as Kipling]: Um... do you have any drug allergies?

[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]
Cathy: Dr. Kipling?
Servo [as Cathy]: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's waiting for you.
. . .
Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck...
Mike [as Kipling]: ...you're a loser, baby.

[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]
Crow: Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house?

[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]
Crow: Now, wait a minute... how did she turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and...
[Pause]
Crow: [horrified] ...Oh, my god.
Tom: [disgusted] GAH!
[They rush out of the theater]
Crow: OH MY GOD! I get the shower first!
Tom: No, me first!
Mike: Urgh!

Horrors of Spider Island[edit]

Mike: Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet.

Crow: It's a dames and broads audition.

[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]
Servo: Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.

[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]
Servo: Lucky sign!

[Linda begins stripping during the interview]
Linda: Shall I dance for you?
Crow: Yes! For God's sakes, yes!

[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]
Crow [as Gary]: I see a tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget!

[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]
Mike: Man, they're future governors of Minnesota!

[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]
Joe: For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
Servo [as Bobby]: But I like Tonya Harding!
. . .
[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]
Servo [as Bobby]: Boy! Defending my misogyny really takes commitment!

[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]
Georgia: Gary!
Crow [as Georgia]: Your infidelity mildly irritates me!
Gary: This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Servo [as Gary]: Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
Crow [as Gary]: It's pretty windy too! And high humidity!

[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]
Mike: Look at that shadow - it's Sideshow Bob!

[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of Vince Guaraldi-esque piano music.]
Crow: Soundtrack by Schroeder.

[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]
Mike: ...hey!
[The words "The End" abruptly appear]
Servo: So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here!

Squirm[edit]

A Case of Spring Fever (short)[edit]

[the title is shown]

Servo: Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale.

Coily the Spring Sprite: So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish!
Crow [as Coily]: ...In HELL!

[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]
Mike: So, one clod says one thing and the whole world pays???
Crow [as Gilbert]: No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf.

[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]
Coily: Hey! The door!
Servo [as Coily]: I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here!

[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]
Coily: Noooo springs! [laughs]
Gilbert: Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish.
Coily: [rubs chin in thought] Wellll...
Mike [as Coily]: NO!
Coily: Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again!
. . .
[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]
Servo: So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly?

Gilbert: You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape...
Mike [as Gilbert]: ...by anti-spring extremists.

[In a monologue about springs directed at his golf partners, implied by several cuts to be extremely lengthy]
Gilbert: I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...
Mike [as friend]: Guns, huh?

Gilbert: Why, I can't think of anything that doesn't involve the use of a spring in one way or another! [inexplicably looks into sky]
Crow [as Gilbert]: Hey, look! God has a spring!

[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]
Gilbert: Hey, Joe! Wake up!
Crow [as Gilbert]: It's Coily's army of darkness! Look!
. . .
Joe: You and your springs! I hope I never see another—
Gilbert: Stop! Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live!
[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]
Servo [as Coily]: You'll be the first to die!

["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]
Crow: Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your preserves in a convenient place!

Squirm (movie)[edit]

[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]
Mike: Well, I don't know why, but okay.
[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]

[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]
Mike: [dramatically] Of a man named Jed!
Servo [as Granny Clampett]: JEDDDDD!!!

[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]
Roger: You gonna be da worm face!
Mike: No, you gonna be da worm face!

[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]
Mama: Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in.
Mike [as Geri]: Mom, you don't even have a butt.
Mama: I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come.
Crow [as Geri]: Mother! That's private.

Mama Sanders: [in her exaggerated Southern accent] I never saw such a storm...
Crow [as Mama]: I do hope Ashley Wilkes can get through.

[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]
Geri: Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases.
Mama Sanders: Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room.
Servo [as Mama Sanders]: ... along with Daddy.

[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]
Mick: No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark.
Servo [as Geri]: Mom cracked in 1953.

[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]
Servo [as Roger/Stevie Wonder]: Isn't she lovely?

[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]
Servo [as Coily]: Noooo springs!

Danger: Diabolik![edit]

[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]
Crow: [singing along with the music] Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah...

[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]
Crow:Y'know, this music would be better with women in bikinis shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really.

[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]
Servo [as Diabolik]: Let's have a tantric quickie.
Mike [as Eva]: Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store.
Servo: This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel.
Crow: Heh! She's a great samaritan!
Servo [as Diabolik]: You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you?

[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]
Servo [as Diabolik]: This will fool them unless they look at it.

[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]
Mike: Wow! Dangerously steep stairs!
Servo: You're watching the stairs?
Crow: Poor Mike...

[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]
Servo: They're really gonna have to get their money laundered.
Crow: Steve Forbes and his wife!
. . .
Mike: You know, with my budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change.
. . .
Servo: Paper cuts are brutal.
. . .
Crow: The young Alan Greenspan!
. . .
Servo: They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars.
. . .
Mike: If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better.
. . .
Servo [as Diabolik]: You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster!
. . .
Crow: You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now.
. . .
Crow: Got greed?
Servo: Member, FDIC! [chuckles]

[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]
Servo: Dan Quayle announces his candidacy.

[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]
Mike: The S. S. Jo Anne Worley!
Valmont: Is that Stud... coming?
Crow: I beg your pardon?
[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]

[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]
Servo [as Diabolik]: My steel, reusable Fleet.
Mike [as Diabolik]: Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him.

[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]
Servo: This has been the official biopic of Larry Fine.[N]

[At home, the gang watches The Crawling Eye, the first film in MST3K's cable run.]
Servo: "The Crawling Eye". The Marty Feldman Story.
Mike: Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in.
Crow: This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?
Servo: Hmmm.

Specials[edit]

Turkey Day '91[edit]

Turkey Day '92[edit]

Turkey Day '95[edit]

MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special[edit]

[a clip is shown from Forrest Gump ]
Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get!
[cut back to Servo & Crow]
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, "Life is a like box of chocolates"? Well I got a better analogy! "Life is like a crap sandwich! The more bread you got, the less crap you gotta take!" Sheesh!

MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review[edit]

The Lost World: Jurassic Park[edit]

[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]
Crow: Pete Postlethwaite in shorts? This movie is for the ladies!

MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review[edit]

X-Files: Fight the Future[edit]

[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]
Mike: Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of Sod-Laying Man!
Mulder: Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
Crow [as Mulder]: …unlike me.

Kid on Bike: You're not FBI agents!
Mulder: How do you know?
Kid on Bike: 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen.
Servo [as Mulder]: Yeah, well, you look like Howdy Doody with a headcold.

Mulder: Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes?
Crow: No, It was Bike-Gifting Man.

Ever After[edit]

Baroness De Ghent: We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse!
Crow: The First Lutheran!
. . .
Baroness De Ghent: Your features are so… masculine.
Mike [as De Ghent]: You look like Pat Summerall.
. . .
Baroness De Ghent: No wonder you're built for hard labour.
Crow [as De Ghent]: You'll be giving birth to Paul Prudhomme.

[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]
Mike [as Danielle]: I sneezed in my cocaine.

Halloween: H2O[edit]

Crow: Welcome back to the MST3K Blockbuster Review, featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.
Servo: Um-hmm.
Mike: Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, Halloween Water, which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.

The Truman Show[edit]

[Truman is talking to Lauren.]
Truman: Would you wanna—
Mike [as Lauren]: No.
Truman: Maybe possibly—
Mike [as Lauren]: No!
Truman: Sometime—
Mike [as Lauren]: No!
Truman: Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?
Mike [as Lauren]: Well, oka— no!
Lauren: Yeah… I can't.
Truman: Saturday?
Lauren: I can't.
Truman: Sunday-Monday-Tuesday?
[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]
Servo [as Lauren]: N-O! Th-the W is silent.

Saving Private Ryan[edit]

Corporal Upham: It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir.
Captain Miller: Did you fire the weapon in basic training?
Corporal Upham: Yes, sir.
Mike [as Upham]: But I shot my sergeant.

Godzilla (1998)[edit]

Crow: Um, folks? We'd like to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of G[bleep]a. Even saying Go[bleep]la will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to God[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us?
[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming a Iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]
Crow: There! And it's Matthew Broderick free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]zilla."

MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special[edit]

As Good As It Gets[edit]

[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]
Melvin: Carol the Waitress, Simon the [audio cuts out]
Servo: Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of Talk Soup"?

Good Will Hunting[edit]

Sean: Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some [audio cuts out]in' book!
Crow: Oh! I've read some [audio cuts out]in' book!

Assignment: Venezuela (short)[edit]

NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.
[On title screen]
Mike: I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning!

[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]
Narrator: The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th—
[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]
Mike [as Jim]: Was being sucked through a time portal.
. . .
[They pass a building with a huge sign: GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL.]
Narrator: I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
Servo: Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
Narrator: Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
Mike [as Narrator]: I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!

[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]
Jim: Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
Servo [as Jim]: I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
Crow [as Jim]: I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on all inland bodies of water.
. . .
[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]
Mike [as Jim]: I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.

Narrator: Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do now is lick that language problem.
Crow [as Narrator]: … and Escobar here.

[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]
Crow [as Wife]: I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"

[Jim is shown around his future Quonset-hut home by the present husband and wife occupants.]
Servo [as Wife]: [in white-trash accent] The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.

Narrator: The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything.
Mike [as Narrator]: It's called Venezuelalization.

Narrator: I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to the Liberator, who led six South American nations to freedom.
Mike [as Narrator]: I think it was Zorro or something.

Major cast[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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