M*A*S*H (TV series)
Based on the 20th Century-Fox film M*A*S*H (an acronym for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital), a big hit of 1970 which was based in turn on the book of the same name, M*A*S*H was an American television series about a team of doctors and nurses stationed at a fictional U.S. Army hospital (unit number 4077) in Korea, during the Korean War in 1950-53. The series originally aired on CBS from September 17, 1972 to February 28, 1983 but can still be seen in syndication. The series spanned 251 episodes and lasted almost four times as long as the war which served as its setting.
M*A*S*H the Pilot
[first lines] [Trapper drives a golf ball, which sets off an explosion in the mine field.]
- ‘‘Trapper John’ McIntyre: Fore!
[Radar stops in mid-football practice to look out over the hills]
- Radar O'Reilly: Here they come!
- Spearchucker' Jones: I don't hear nothin'.
- Radar O'Reilly: Wait for it.
- Hawkeye Pierce : [writing to his father] You said I sounded a bit callous in my last letter Dad. Let me see if I can put things in a better way. At this particular Mobile Army Hospital, we are not concerned with the ultimate reconstruction of the patient.We care only about getting the kid out of here alive enough for someone else to put on the fine touches. We work fast and we're not dainty. We try to play par surgery on this course. Par is a live patient.
[Everyone has just come out of a long OR session.]
- Margaret Houlihan:[angrily] You're dismissed.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Thanks, Mother. We've gotta get up early, anyway, and fix MacArthur's hernia.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Sorry, baby.
- Margaret Houlihan: Major to you!
- Hawkeye Pierce: Sorry, Major baby.
- Hawkeye Pierce: That's a woman all over.
- ‘‘Trapper John McIntyre: Best place for them to be.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Hey, Ho-Jon, come here. I got a letter from Dean Lodge.
- ‘‘Trapper John McIntyre: Is that a good place to stay?
- Hawkeye Pierce: Henry, you have no idea what it's like sharing a tent with a guy who thinks he's all twelve disciples!
- Hawkeye Pierce: Ya know we gotta do it someday. Throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south in here to a cocktail party... Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war!
- Hawkeye Pierce: What does everybody want here? What do these people want more than anything else?
- ‘‘Trapper John McIntyre: To go home or to Tokyo, whichever comes first.
- Hawkeye Pierce: What do they really want?
- ‘‘Trapper John McIntyre: Sex!
- Hawkeye Pierce: Ah!
- ‘‘Trapper John McIntyre: Except for those baseball perverts.
- ‘‘Trapper John McIntyre: You want to raffle off a nurse?
- Hawkeye Pierce: Is that what I said?
- Frank Burns: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing up there?
- Hawkeye Pierce: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
- Frank Burns: Since when are you two interested in the Bible?
- ‘‘Trapper John’ McIntyre: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.
[simultaneously] Radar O'Reilly/ Henry Blake: Yes Sir?/ Radar.
- Henry Blake: Don't do that!
- Radar O'Reilly: Yes sir, you wanted to see me sir?
- Henry Blake: Yes, but let me say I want to see you before I see you.
- Radar O'Reilly: Yes sir, you wanted to see these? [pushing sheaf of papers to Henry]
- Henry Blake: How do you know that?
- Radar O'Reilly: That's why you called me.
- Henry Blake: Oh yeah.
- Radar O'Reilly: [reaching for different papers] You wanted me to take these sir?
- Henry Blake: [absently] Yeah.
- Hawkeye Pierce: [describing Lt. Dish] a girl with a face that doesn’t quit. A girl with so much body she should be continued on the next girl.
- Lt. Dish: Hawkeye I'm trying to be faithful. How many times must I tell you I'm engaged?
- Hawkeye Pierce: I'm engaged too, think of me as a dress rehearsal.
- Lt. Dish: A girl can only take so much.
- Hawkeye Pierce: Are we anywhere near that part yet?
[Margaret and Frank are watching Hawkeye and Maggie Dish through binoculars]
- Margaret Houlihan: Sickening!
- Frank Burns: Animals!
- Frank Burns: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!
- Hawkeye Pierce: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm just gonna have to challenge you to a duel.
- Trapper John McIntyre: Swords or pistols?
- Hawkeye Pierce: I was thinking specimen bottles at twenty paces.
[watching Henry Blake leave the 4077th by helicopter]
- Hawkeye Pierce: What's this?
- Radar O'Reilly: Weekend passes for the raffle.
- Hawkeye Pierce: When did he sign these?
- Radar O'Reilly: When he thought he was ordering a ton of ice cream. Fudge ripple.
- Lt. Dish: You still haven't told me how I get out of going away with the winner. Why do I have the funny feeling it's going to be you.
- Hawkeye Pierce: You don't trust me?
- Lt. Dish: Not since the last time I found you hiding in my sleeping bag.
To Market, To Market
- Trapper: Hurry up, the truck will be here soon.
- [Radar looks up as if he hears something and moves faster]
- Hawkeye: I think we just passed soon!
Requiem for a Lightweight
- Henry: Whatever it is, even if the answer is "yes," it's "no."
- Radar O'Reilly: General Barker's fighter just pulled in, looks real big.
- "Trapper" John Mcintyre: (Sounding scared)How big?
- Radar: If he wanted to, he could be a platoon. Looks kinda mean.
- "Trapper" John Mcintyre: Mean?
- Radar O'Reilly:[makes a face to show what he looks like]
(Hawkeye takes out a bottle)
- Frank: That's ether.
- Hawkeye: A little louder Frank, the cook didn't hear you.
Chief Surgeon Who?
- General Barker: What are you doing, Corporal?
- Radar: Doing, sir?
- Barker: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
- Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.
- General Barker: Doesn't anybody ever sleep in this outfit?!
- Radar: Only on duty, sir.
- [in shorts, T-shirt, and robe]
- Hawkeye: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?
- General Barker: Nurse, is everyone in this outfit crazy?
- Nurse Ginger: Everybody who's sane is, sir.
- Hawkeye: I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.
- Spearchucker: Henry? Our Henry?
- Trapper: I thought you said you were going to do something about this.
- Trapper: [about the Swamp] Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!
Yankee Doodle Doctor
- Hawkeye: Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No "saints in surgical garb". Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.
- [An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp.]
- Frank: [Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
- Trapper: [laughing] A Yankee Doodle --
- Hawkeye: [singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...
- Hawkeye and Trapper: ...and called her macaroni!
- [In the film, Hawkeye plays the "Yankee Doodle Doctor" as a Groucho Marx-esque type character, and Trapper as a Harpo Marx-esque character. The first scene shows Radar as a patient being unloaded from an ambulance.]
- Nurse: Doctor, can you give him a hand?
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'd rather give you one!
- Radar: Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: I certainly am!
- Trapper: *HONK!*HONK!*
- [Scene cuts to the Mess tent everyone watching the film with Hawkeye and Trapper laughing at people]
- Radar: Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?
- Radar: A reservation?!
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!
- Trapper: *HONK!*
- Radar: But, Doctor!
- Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!
- Hawkeye: Hold it (puts his ear to Radar's stomach) I think I just found my wristwatch. Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock.
Bananas, Crackers and Nuts
- Hawkeye: I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!
- Henry: This is the army! No one can do the best they can!
- Trapper: Does Henry have an enemy?
- Hawkeye: Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.
- Trapper: Now?
- Hawkeye: He may not have a later.
- Trapper: Come on, Frank! Outta the way!
- Frank: You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.
- Trapper: Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!
- Frank: Over my dead body.
- Trapper: Great idea!
Henry, Please Come Home
- Radar: They aren't gonna like this.
- Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
- Radar: You certainly came to the right place.
- Hawkeye: Do you mind if we swim through?
- Frank: I assure you, all goldbricking that went on here under Colonel Blake is going to stop. Under my command, life is going to be a different kettle of fish.
- Radar: Are you sure you're in the right branch of the service, Sir?
I Hate A Mystery
- Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.
- Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.
- Hawkeye: You know, I never hit a woman.
- Burns: You lay one finger on Margaret...
- Hawkeye: I was talking about you, Frank.
- Frank: I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!
- Hawkeye: Ghouls? That's not a nice thing to call us vampires.
- PA Announcement: Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]
- PA Announcement: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.
- Hawkeye: Edwina, may I kiss you?
- Edwina: Is your mouth insured?
- Hawkeye: Did you want to say something, Henry, or were you just hoping for a free tonsillectomy?
- Radar: [referring to a book Hawkeye is holding] War AND Peace?
- Trapper: Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way.
- Anderson: I'll tell you how I feel about ol' Johann Sebastian.
- Radar: Now that's highly significant.
- Anderson: I haven't said anything yet.
- Radar: That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.
- Radar: [referring to Henry, after Frank and Margaret have asked to see him] I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army right now.
- Trapper: [while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile] You should write fiction.
- Hawkeye: You should read my file.
- [Following Tuttle's eulogy]
- Trapper: Great work. There wasn't a dry eye in the whole camp.
- Hawkeye: Tuttle always brought out the best in me.
- Radar: Hey, I just got one question. Where'd you guys get the dog-tags and the parachute?
- Trapper: Oh, that was Major Mudock.
- Radar: Who?
- Hawkeye: Who's Major Murdock?
- Trapper: You know. Tall, skinny fella. Tuttle's replacement.
- Hawkeye: [realizing] Oh, yeah! I had breakfast with him this morning.
- Margaret: You're drunk!
- Henry: [slurring] That's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.
- Henry: [drunk, holding a gun] Don't move, Korea, this is a stick-up.
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet
- Henry: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.
- Hawkeye: Wendell, another word for "gooks" is "people."
Dear Dad, Again
- Hawkeye: [thinking as he writes] I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink.
- Radar: [walking past] Is that a nice thing to say?
- Trapper: What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...
- Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?
The Longjohn Flap
- Hawkeye: [to Henry] We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.
- Trapper: [also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.
- Henry: Can you identify them?
- Trapper: I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.
- Henry: Well they're long...
- Hawkeye: And they're johns... that's them all right.
- Frank: [to Klinger] The next time I see you, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!
- Trapper: [Upon seeing Frank in the longjohns.] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.
- Hawkeye: Suppurating pustules, if there's any justice. [to Frank] Where'd you get those longjohns!
- Frank: Wouldn't you like to know!
- Hawkeye: [picks up empty gas can and prepares to swing at Frank.] Those are mine you hermaphroditic weasel!
- Frank: Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!
- Hawkeye: If I didn't think it would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!
- Colonel Hersh: You got any stethoscopes there?
- Hawkeye: WE'RE A MEDICAL UNIT!!!
- Radar: [seeing Klinger in a suit] Don't I know your sister?
- Col. Blake: [coming outside looking for Radar, yelling] Radar?
- Hawkeye: SHH!
- Col. Blake: Who are you shushing?!? What are you doing out here in your stocking feet?!? You been at the still again, right?!?
- Hawkeye: [whispering] I'm working on a bomb!
- Col. Blake: What kind of a bomb?!?!
- Hawkeye: [still whispering] An unexploded bomb!
- Col. Blake: Oh! [whispering] THAT kind of bomb.
- Hawkeye (after Henry's first loud megaphone message): One more yell like that and you and I will have interchangeable parts!
- Trapper John: Psst! Psst!
- Hawkeye: You spring a leak?
- Trapper: The CIA has their own bomb?
- Hawkeye: (with a stethoscope to the bomb) The ticker's very faint. Not the bomb's, mine. The bomb is ticking away loud and clear.
- [during a poker game in the Swamp]
- Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
- Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
- Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
- Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?
- Trapper: [during a poker game] My last hand was more like a foot.
Major Fred C. Dobbs
- Henry: You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.
- Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
- Henry: Well--so much for missing you.
- Hawkeye: (to Radar) One more word and I'll nail your tongue to your nose.
- Henry: (to Hawkeye and Trapper) I'm gonna do more than that. (Storms out office door, and then right back in) What am I doing? This is my office. You guys, get out!
- General Clayton: Henry, are you sitting down?
- Henry: [stands up] No, sir.
- Clayton: Maybe you better.
- Henry: [sits down] Yes, sir.
- Hawkeye: Is he giving you calisthenics over the phone?
- Trapper: Call us if you need us.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, but don't need us.
- Henry: It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her!
- Radar: Well at least you were there for the important part.
- Henry: There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls.
- Captain Hildebrand: Must be stealing their clothes.
- Hawkeye: [orders breakfast] I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.
- Hawkeye: You're out of uniform!
- Nurse: Where?
- Hawkeye: How about my tent in five minutes?
- Frank: I think it ill behooves us—
- Hawkeye: Behooves? What, are we in the cavalry now?
- Sidney: Sign this, soldier.
- Klinger: What's it say?
- Sidney: It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.
- Klinger: I ain't any of those. Where do you get off calling me that?
- Sidney: I think I got the idea from your cleavage.
- Klinger: Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this.
- Sidney: Hey soldier. You forgot your purse.
- Hawkeye: We've been getting double-talk in triplicate.
- Trapper: I guess he's just unstable. You see, he took this weird oath as a young man, never to just stand by and watch people die.
- Hawkeye: [looking for maps of the minefield] Why aren't they under "M"?
- Radar: Because they're under "B" for "boom."
- Hawkeye: Looks like a pregnant bagpipe.
- Trapper: Do bagpipes get pregnant?
- Hawkeye: Sure they do, right after they make those funny sounds.
- Hawkeye: [seeing that his patient is a baby] Boy, did his Draft Board go crazy.
- Hawkeye: [to Corporal Walker] Are you married?
- Corporal Walker: Sort of.
- Hawkeye: Sort of married? That's like being sort of a virgin.
- General Mitchell: Who are you?
- Margaret: Majors Burns and Houlihan, sir!
- General Mitchell: Which is which?
- Hawkeye: Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable.
- [Klinger has gone hang-gliding in a housecoat and slippers]
- Hawkeye: Did you see that?
- Nurse: What?
- Hawkeye: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Trapper: Hey, Hawkeye, did you see that?
- Hawkeye: What did you see?
- Trapper: A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet.
- Hawkeye: We've just heard that General Eisenhower's gonna run for president... what some guys won't do to get out of the army.
- Radar: [during roll call] Major Frank Marion Burns.
- Trapper: [snickers] Marion.
- Hawkeye: His folks wanted a boy.
- Hawkeye: Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.
- Radar: [at show-end referring to sniper's thinking that he was firing on MacArthur's headquarters] Where do you think you're going to get a MacArthur to show him, for Pete's sake?
- [Hawkeye and Trapper dress a sleeping Burns with cap, sunglasses, and corncob pipe]
- Frank: [awakening] What's going on?
- Hawkeye: You have returned.
- Hawkeye: You risked your life for a . . . a ketchup on rye?!
- Radar: With butter and lettuce!
- Frank: Funny thing, war - Never have so many suffered so much, so, so few could be so happy!!
- Margaret: We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many.
- Frank: I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
- Hawkeye: [responding to a plethora of requests for help] My kingdom for an intelligent octopus!
- Hawkeye: [on the telephone seeking help] Send me anyone! Jack the Ripper! Anyone who's good with a knife!
- Hawkeye: [regarding the requisition of the incubator being denied] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven.
- Captain Sloan: Oh, those I can let you have.
- Henry: No kidding! Hey, those would be great on movie nights. You got any pizza requisition forms?
- Captain Sloan: Just use the standard S stroke 1798 and write in "Pizza" where it says "Machine Gun".
- Hawkeye: Thank, you Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient, you have a temperature of 109 stroke 10. I'm afraid you can't have an incubator but you can have a pizza with everything on it to go. Unless, of course, you go first.
- Henry: Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?
- Hawkeye: [to Sloan] Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise I'm afraid I'll have to ask you all to take a step up.
- Trapper: Into Limbo!
- Hawkeye: No, you can't have any Limbo. In fact, you can't have - anything - stroke nothing, which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.
- Henry: Well everybody, happy days, stroke cheers.
- Henry: Holy cow! (Reading charges) "Insubordination! Conduct unbecoming officers! Violations of Articles 13 through 27 with a repeat on 26!"
- Hawkeye: That must be altering salute by placing thumb on nose.
- Trapper: Henry, there's something you should know about those charges.
- Hawkeye: Yes. We're guilty.
- Henry: I'll tell you what else you are: You are under arrest. General's orders.
- Hawkeye: Swell. What do we tell the casualties? We only operate on visiting days?
- Trapper: You gonna lock us up Sheriff?
- Henry: If you guys didn't outclass every bit of surgical talent in Korea, your tails would have been in handcuffs a long time ago.
- Hawkeye: Henry its no crime, or it shouldn't be for doctors to try to get decent medical equipment.
- Henry: Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"? Wow. Did you really call a one-star general a "NINCOMPAC"?
- Hawkeye: [during a poker game] Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
- Sidney: Sex.
- Hawkeye: Why?
- Sidney: I don't know, they told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
- Hawkeye: Thank you, doctor.
- Sidney: I'm taking a five dollar chip. That was a house call.
- Henry Blake: Radar, what's going on?
- Radar: It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
- Hawkeye: Sidney, front and center.
- Sidney: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch!
- Radar: Uh, sir, if you're thirsty. Compliments of Colonel Blake. Scotch. Gin. Vodka. And for your convenience all in the same bottle.
- Trapper: You have a lot of trouble with women, don't you?
- Hawkeye: Every chance that I can!
- Trapper: Henry, the guy could have died!
- Hawkeye: He was bleeding, Henry. And Frank, here, who studied medicine under General Rommel was too chicken to operate. He was afraid that under anesthesia the lieutenant might give away Harry Truman's hat size!
- Frank: You did it, didn't you? Operated on the CID man.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, we thought we'd save his life for kicks.
- Frank: Now be advised, if you so much as touch that man you're violating regulations.
- Hawkeye: Frank. We promise to keep saluting all throughout the operation.
- Henry Blake: Okay the first thing people do in a situation like this is panic.
- Hawkeye: Well I think I'm doing it in the right order.
- Klinger: Hi sirs, sandwiches from the mess tent.
- Hawkeye: Hope everybody likes carrier pigeon.
- Klinger: There's ham, chicken, and something brown that just lays there.
- Hawkeye: Hold it everybody freeze!
- Sidney: What's the matter?
- Hawkeye: One of the sandwiches just moved.
Hot Lips and Empty Arms
- Margaret: [following Hawkeye's "toast"] I too have a toast. Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
- [Pierce gives Margaret a shot]
- Margaret: Ow! What was that?
- Hawkeye: Load of B1. Get you on your feet again.
- Margaret: Oh... And I didn't get you anything...
- Henry: Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.
- Margaret: That's OK, the champagne I just had was gin.
- Henry: Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake.
- Margaret: [drunk] That's really swell of you, Pete.
- Duk: One Shirley Temple.
- Frank: I've been dying for one of these all day. [drinks] That's very good...
- Duk: Kwang Duk, sir.
- Frank: That's a cute name.
- Duk: We're a cute people.
- Duk: Can I get you something, sir?
- Henry: You bet. I'm dying for a banana daiquiri.
- Duk: Is that a drink?
- Henry: Sure. You just take some bananas, some rum and some cream, and you mix it all in a blender.
- Duk: We got no bananas, no blender, and no powdered cream.
- Henry: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Henry In Love
- Henry: I can't believe it. I couldn't wait till she got here, and now I'm glad she's gone.
- Trapper: It's for the best, Henry.
- Hawkeye: Yeah. If you had sucked your gut in one more time, your belly button would have fallen out your backside.
- [To his son, on the phone.]
- Henry: I don't care if she did put an ice cube in your underwear! Girls will do that. You mustn't hit her with the dog! Now until I get back, you're the man of the house. Yes, I know Mommy thinks she is, but you really are!
For Want of a Boot
- Henry: I'd be lying if I said I understood that. I'd also be lying if I said I cared.
- Frank: You're asking me to let a pervert out of the Army?!
- Hawkeye: Oh, by all means, Frank. Let's leave the perverts in the Army.
- Trapper: Anyway, Klinger's not a pervert.
- Hot Lips: How do you know?
- Trapper: Because I'm one—and he's never at the meetings!
- Henry: Don't tell me. I don't want to know about it. You guys have my full permission, and I never said that. I mean, I'm not even here, so how could I? Radar!
- Radar: Sir?
- Henry: Make an entry in the daily report that I wasn't here today, and bring it to me so I can sign it.
- Radar: Uh, sir, if you sign it, it'll show you were here.
- Henry: Then you sign it for me.
- Radar: Yes, sir. Should I sign your name?
- Henry: You'll have to, because I'm gonna say it was a forgery.
- Hawkeye: [seeing available selections in "nose" catalog] Gee, I never knew how hard it was to pick a nose.
- Robbins: [pointing to one selection] This one paid for two Cadillacs.
- Trapper: Now that's what you call "paying through the nose."
- Robbins: The wit in this room flows like molasses.
- [while playing catch]
- Radar: Hey, you got a good, strong arm there, Father.
- Mulcahy: Well, you develop a lot of muscle wrestling with temptation.
The Chosen People
- [After Hawkeye tries to say something in Korean]
- Captain Pak: Give him a bicarbonate and tell him to stay off his feet.
- Hawkeye: Isn't that "Your presence is welcome in our camp"?
- Pak: No, it's "Your uncle has gas from eating cabbage".
- [After Hawkeye says something else in Korean]
- Pak: Sorry to hear that.
- Hawkeye: What?
- Pak: Your uncle with the gas is now pregnant.
- Lieutenant Harper: Are you men doctors?
- Hawkeye: Only when the moon is full.
As You Were
- Trapper: [listening to Radar play the piano] Hey Radar, don't you know another song?
- Hawkeye: He doesn't even know THAT one. [Radar continues to play.] Radar, if you keep this up, you could be arrested for felonious fingering.
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to a lack of casualties, tonight's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 AM. And midnight has been cancelled.
- Hawkeye: [Scrubbing up before returning to the OR.] If my hands could talk, they'd scream. I'm raw from all the scrubbing.
- Nurse: Why don't you see a doctor?
- Hawkeye: How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?
- Frank: [in Henry's office] What if the Minutemen in 1776, on their way to Lexington and Concord, had stopped to worry about . . . toilet paper?!
- Hawkeye: So we would have had independence 10 minutes later.
- Henry: According to Regimental, the fighting shifted to the north and we won't be getting any casualties.
- Hawkeye: That's the same Regimental that said to Custer, "One last stand and then you can go home."
- Margaret: [Trapper is knocking on Margaret's door, Margaret and Frank are eating a stolen ham] Who is it?
- Trapper: The heating officer!
- Frank: You can't come in!
- Hawkeye: Then we'll huff, and we'll puff, and we'll blow your nurse down!
- Mulcahy: Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for seeing us through this day, and ask for Thy divine help for tomorrow.
- Hawkeye: Same time, same station.
- Frank: I found out something about someone that is very interesting--very interesting.
- Trapper: Let us guess.
- Hawkeye: Is this person a well-stacked U.S. Army major nurse who's bigger than a breadbox that you're seeing on the side?
- Frank: No... [realizes what Hawkeye said] ...no!
- Frank: The man is not normal!
- Hawkeye: What's normal, Frank?
- Frank: Normal is everybody doing the same thing.
- Trapper: What about individuality?
- Frank: Well, individuality is fine--as long as we all do it together.
- Klinger: [reading an alleged letter from home] "Dear Son--"
- Henry: You obviously haven't sent her a recent picture.
- Henry: [pulling out Klinger's file] Here we go. Father dying, right?
- Klinger: Yes, sir.
- Henry: [going through letters in Klinger's file] Father dying, last year. Mother dying, last year. Mother and father dying. Mother, father, and older sister dying. Mother dying and older sister pregnant. Older sister dying and mother pregnant. Younger sister pregnant and older sister dying. Here's an oldie but a goodie: half of the family dying, other half pregnant. [puts file down] Klinger, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
- Klinger: Yes sir. I don't deserve to be in the Army.
A Smattering of Intelligence
- Flagg: It all depends on HQ.
- Henry: HQ.
- Flagg: Why did you say HQ? Whoever told you about HQ?
- Henry: Well, you told me, Colonel Flagg.
- Flagg: Who's Colonel Flagg?
- Pratt: [referring to Flagg] Another time, he crashed his Jeep into a wall and set himself on fire.
- Hawkeye: Is this guy available for kids' parties?
The General Flipped at Dawn
- General Steele: War and whiskey don't mix! General Grant kept throwing up on his bugler.
- General Steele: I predict an early end to this war, if it doesn't rain and we get all wet.
- General Steele: (inspecting Father Mulcahy) There are no atheists in foxholes!
- Father Mulcahy: I've heard that.
- General Steele: I'd like to see a shine on that cross, father.
- General Steele (inspecting Radar O'Reilly): The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! (Relenting and patting Radar's shoulders) Enlisted men . . . backbone of the Army! Where are you from, son?
- Radar: Iowa, sir—
- General Steele: NO TALKING IN THE RANKS!
- General Steele: (to Klinger) Not now, Marjorie. I'm inspecting the troops.
- Hawkeye: Look, you're doing something really decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men because one idiot wants to do his General Custer impression.
- Frank: When are you gonna learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?
Officer of the Day
- Hawkeye: I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!
- Hawkeye: I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting the inside of my eyelids.
- Margaret: Captain Pierce! Major Burns, acting Commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre refused to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.
- Hawkeye: Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the woods, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.
Iron Guts Kelly
- Colonel Wortman: That's not a teddy bear?
- Radar: Uh, yes, sir. Regulations against having the real kind.
- Hawkeye: Look, we both studied dead. This man is dead.
- Colonel Wortman: What did he die of?
- Trapper: Myocardial infarction.
- Colonel Wortman: What does that mean?
- Hawkeye: It means his pearl-handled pistols are up for grabs.
- Hawkeye: I just don’t know why they’re shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
- Sidney: Some patients insist on dying, Hawk. You knew that going in. But you had to be a doctor.
- Hawkeye: I didn't have a choice, it's all ever I cared about, all I ever wanted to do. Sometimes I think I'd be more useful as a cocktail waitress.
- Sidney: You haven't got the legs for it.
- Sidney: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
- Hawkeye (to disheveled Radar at show-end): Radar, what happened?
- Radar: I don't know. I think I've been slaked.
- Klinger: Sir, I only want a small, quick little wedding in Toledo then a teeny-tiny, one-two-three honeymoon!
- Col. Blake Anyone who believes that, stand on their head.
- Henry:(about Radar's tattoo) Radar, getting one of those is very unsanitary.
- Radar: Oh, I washed my hands first, sir.
Life With Father
- Margaret: Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
- Frank: That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.
- Hawkeye: Who's yours from, Trap?
- Trapper: My five-year-old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.
- Frank: Lemmings must be directed to the sea.
- Hawkeye: (to Trapper, walking into Mess Tent) Would you mind sucking in your shoulders?
- Trapper: Pardon my build.
- Hawkeye: The instrument has yet to be devised that can test my indifference to that remark.
There Is Nothing Like a Nurse
- Hawkeye: (as Frank, in his wedding film, is about to cut the wedding cake) Watch the cake die of malpractice.
- Henry: You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!
- Margaret: Which one of them said that?!?!
- Henry: I'm not finking, Major.
- Trapper: (at show end as ribs are being served) Should we say grace?
- Hawkeye: Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce.
- Trapper: (on the phone with old girlfriend) What're the ribs for?
- Hawkeye: (whispers) Anatomy Practice!
- Trapper: Anatomy Practice. Yeah, they don't let us use real people. The sauce? Well, uh.. they don't let us use fake blood either. ...You understand!?
- PA Announcement: Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.
- Klinger: (On guard duty at night) Halt! What's the password.
- Hawkeye: (in a threatening tone) Outta my way, or I'll split your head open.
- Klinger: ...Close enough!
- Hawkeye: (After Klinger says "liver.") Don't say Liver! You say that word again, I'll set your teeth on fire!
- Hawkeye: (After hearing the main dish is liver and/or fish again) ...I didn't hear you say that. Because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our tastebuds! I simply can not eat the same food day after day. Fish! Liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver, and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions! (to the rest of the mess tent) Are we going to stand for this?! Are we going to let them do this to us?! NO, I say NO! We're not going to eat this dreck anymore! (starts a riot) We want something else! We want something else! (while chanting continues) Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! We want something else! (protesting continues, then scene cuts to Hawkeye sitting in Henry's office).
- Henry: Just who do you think you are, Pierce?!
- Hawkeye: (looking up at Henry with guilt)...I broke under the pressure, warden.
A Full Rich Day
- Frank: I don't care what Captain McIntyre said, I have never cared, and at this point I don't care twice as much as I never cared before!
- Hawkeye [into a tape recorder for a recording he's sending home]: Say "hello," Trapper.
- Trapper: Hello, Trapper.
- Hawkeye: Isn't he clever? We had the bolts in his neck tightened yesterday.
Mad Dogs and Servicemen
- Radar: (about the dog) Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchen...although I don't like being cruel to animals.
- Frank: Anyone who needs psychiatry is sick in the head.
Private Charles Lamb
- Henry: (talking to Hawkeye and Trapper about a missing lamb) Do I know, Do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears but me. Boy, I'd like to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.
- Klinger: Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
- (Henry knocks twice)
- Klinger: Oh lord, he's dead.
- Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?
- Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
- Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
- Frank: Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
- Frank: Colonel, you are not listening to me!
- Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.
- Hawkeye: (referring to his prisoner of war package) Father, why?
- Mulcahy: Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies.
- Hawkeye: Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.
- Mulcahy: In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.
- Hawkeye: Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.
- Mulcahy: Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.
- Hawkeye: (watching a movie) What; what'd I miss?
- Henry: Cornel Wilde just kissed Gene Tierney.
- Hawkeye: On the teeth?
- Trapper: Right smack on.
- Hawkeye: If he straightens out that overbite, I'll kill him.
- Klinger: What's this morning's breakfast?
- Trapper: Last night's dinner.
- Klinger: Great, that was yesterday's lunch.
Love and Marriage
- (talking to Dr. Pak)
- Hawkeye: Are you still doing those phony operations with the fake stitches?
- Trapper: And using hair cream for penicillin?
- Hawkeye: I examined one of your patients, Doctor. He still had pneumonia, but I must say, you cleared up his dandruff.
- Hawkeye: You know sir, you just might go down in medical history.
- Pak: How so?
- Hawkeye: As the first Doctor ever to set two broken legs, and both of them his own.
- Frank: As adjutant and assistant chief surgeon, I'd like to volunteer for that operation.
- Margaret: How splendid, Major.
- Henry: Very good, Frank.
- Trapper: Lovely.
- Hawkeye: Then it's settled. We'll do a hysterectomy on Major Burns.
- Frank: I think the Colonel might like to know that Major Houlihan's father was under General MacArthur in the cavalry.
- Hawkeye: Her father was a horse. Did you know that?
- Trapper: Our engagement is off.
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Due to the incredible mediocrity of last night's movie, it will be shown again tonight at 2100 hours.
- Henry: Boy, I wish I knew what was going on.
- Radar: I'll tell you later, sir.
- Henry: You always say that, Radar, but you never do.
- Flagg: My orders are to do whatever it takes to break up this penicillin ring, and I have written permission to die in the attempt!
- Klinger: (on guard duty) Halt! Who goes there?
- Henry: Outta the way, Klinger.
- Klinger: I've gotta have the password, Colonel.
- Henry: Bullfeathers!
- Klinger: That was LAST week's password.
- Radar: (walking very slowly into the OR, shortly after Blake's departure) I have a message: Lt. Col... Henry Blake's plane...was shot down... over the Sea of Japan. It spun in... there were no survivors. (He leaves, fighting tears)
Welcome to Korea
- Hawkeye: There's no Jeep here, Radar, there's only a whole lot of here, here.
- BJ: (drunkenly greeting Frank for the first time) What say ya, Ferret Face?
Change of Command
- Radar: (over the PA): Attention! By command of the new Commanding Officer, all officers report to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs!
- Potter: Father Mulcahy. (sees the cross Mulcahy has around his neck) Yes, of course. You're clean.
- Mulcahy: Thank God, sir.
- Potter: Catholic?
- Mulcahy: Yes, sir.
- Potter: Can you do a Methodist thing for me on Sunday?
- Mulcahy: I handle all denominations. Colonel.
- Potter: Any other Methodists in the outfit?
- Mulcahy: Two or three.
- Potter: Good. I hate to sing alone. Major Houlihan.
- Houlihan: Sir!
- Potter: Chief nurse.
- Houlihan: Yes, sir.
- Potter: Ten years, spotless record.
- Houlihan: Thank you sir.
- Potter: Major Frank Burns.
- Houlihan: Just friends, sir. I mean, he's not here, sir. He's indisposed.
- Potter: Captain Pierce.
- Hawkeye: Yo!
- Potter: Keep your yo's to yourself. Captain Hunnicutt.
- BJ: Yes sir.
- Potter: You two were reprimanded by Major Burns for setting fire to the latrine.
- Hawkeye: That was an accident.
- BJ: We were having a weenie roast.
- Potter: In the latrine?
- BJ: We're not allowed to cook in our tents, sir.
- Potter: Also Pierce, it says here you had a live chicken flown here by helicopter, claiming it was a patient.
- Hawkeye: That was a rare bird, Colonel. It could tap-dance.
- Potter: And a year ago the Tokyo Provost Marshal claims you stole a steam shovel.
- Hawkeye: I couldn't get a cab.
- Potter: I gather you drink.
- Hawkeye: Only to excess.
- Frank: Another week of command and I'd have had you out of that dress!
- Klinger: I'm not that easy.
- Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir. Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, head-to-toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.
- Potter: Horse hockey! I've seen these dodges for 40 years, all the tricks. Knew a private, pretended he was a mare. Carried a colt in his arm for weeks. Another fellow said he was a daisy. Insisted we water him every morning. No, no, Corporal. It ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that froufrou and into a uniform. And you stay in uniform. Dismissed!
It Happened One Night
- Hawkeye: Lie down and rest.
- Klinger: I'd rather do it in my own bed.
- Hawkeye: All right, go back to your tent.
- Klinger: My bed in Toledo.
- Jenkins: Halt, who goes there?
- Radar: It's the Colonel.
- Jenkins: Oh, sorry, go ahead, sir.
- Potter: Don't you want to know the password?
- Jenkins: I already know it, sir.
The Late Captain Pierce
- Hawkeye: They'll keep coming whether I'm here or not. Trapper went home, they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from, they'll never run out.
- Captain Pratt: Well, you are, doctor, I am afraid, what George Orwell referred to in 1984 as an "un-person." [chuckles]
- Hawkeye: An "un-person"? Now I'm an un-person. Do you know that right now back in Maine my father, not realizing I'm undead, is at this moment mourning his "un-son."
- Captain Pratt: Well, I don't know any other way out of it.
- Hawkeye: Oh, you don't, huh? He just rattles around in that empty house, gives my things away to the Salvation Army and ages a couple of years for every day he thinks I've shaken off this khaki coil!
- (Frank and Margaret are in Margaret's tent)
- Hawkeye: (from outside) Frank, are you in there?
- Frank: They're trying to catch us at something.
- Margaret: We're not DOING anything.
- Frank: Oh, yeah. Who'd have thought?
- Frank: (into walkie-talkie) Attention all Allied personnel: There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise: I am directly under the brightest one.
- Hawkeye: Very good, Frank.
- BJ: They'll start looking for us in Bethlehem.
- Hawkeye: Will you stick that gun in your holster?
- Frank: I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.
- Hawkeye: I'll remember that if we're ever attacked by a bridge club.
- Potter: (sees Frank holding a machine gun) Burns, didn't I see your face in the post office? Who wants to take first watch over the prisoner?
- Hawkeye: He does.
- BJ: He will.
- Frank: I do.
- Potter: All right. If you don't accidentally shoot yourself in two hours I will relieve you then. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier.
- Radar: (waking up North Korean thinking he's Potter): Sir? Sir. Sir. Holy socks! (Bumps into Maj. Burns) Sir I didn't mean to wake you.
- Frank: Wake me? You thought I was asleep? No I was just trying to see what our prisoner would do. I flushed him out of the woods.
- Radar: Let me help you with your chocolate.
- Frank: That's not chocolate!
- Radar: Right it's not chocolate.
- Hawkeye: We have four rifles here and one of them is a reading lamp.
- Klinger (feeding a little girl): I hope you like this. Some of it was cooked before you were born.
- Hawkeye: Bite your tongue, Margaret. Or better yet, let me do it.
Quo Vadis, Captain Chandler?
- Flagg: (to Potter) When can I have him? Give me a medical decision now! The last CO they had here couldn't make a decision without a month's warning.
- Potter: I'm not fond of personal abuse, Colonel. I was in this man's Army when the only thumb you cared about was the one you had in your mouth.
- Flagg: You are very smart, Freedman.
- Hawkeye: I told you.
- Flagg: You're only saying Chandler flipped out so I will have you busted and you can return to your safe cozy civilian practice.
- BJ: He's on to you, Sid.
- Flagg: You're not smart, Freedman, you're dumb, very dumb! But you met your match in ME!
- Sidney: Captain, is it true that God answers all prayers?
- Chandler: Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.
- (BJ intervenes to save a patient Frank gave up on)
- Frank: You're going over my head, Hunnicutt!
- Hawkeye: Everything's over your head, Frank!
- (Hawkeye is teaching Koreans to speak English)
- Hawkeye: I will get the nurse.
- South Koreans: (with limited English) I will get the nurse.
- Hawkeye: Frank Burns eats worms.
- South Koreans: Frank Burns eats worms.
- (at show end)
- Mulcahy: (talking about a patient) Is he going to make it?
- BJ: Probably.
- Hawkeye: Well, we could be bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again.
- Frank: Twerp.
- (Hawkeye turns and points to the South Koreans)
- South Koreans: You tell him, Ferret Face.
Of Moose and Men
- Colonel Spiker: (about Hawkeye) No respect for the uniform.
- Potter: Well, he's never in it anyway.
- BJ: Sergeant, you can't drink this early in the morning. I know, I keep trying.
Soldier of the Month
- Frank: (dictating his will) To Major Margaret Houlihan... my friend... my comrade... my little soldier...I leave all my clothes.
- Sergeant Zale: I know a lot of state capitals. I'll show you. Ask me the capital of Cleveland!
- Hawkeye: Klinger, what civil war hero said "Damn the torpedoes! Full steam ahead." And please try to answer with less than the seven basic ballet movements.
- Klinger: I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Tugarraf!
- Hawkeye: "Tugarraf?!"
- BJ: That's "Farragut." He said it backwards.
- Hawkeye: Aha! True or false: You can reach the high notes of the "Star-Spangled Banner" by standing on your toes.
- Klinger: That ain't part of the test!
- Hawkeye: Yes, but how did you know?
- Radar: He's cheating! He's got the answers written all over him!
- Klinger: I am not! Those are tattoos! Leave me alone!
- Hawkeye: No wonder he knows history like the back of his hand.
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. Attention. Tonight's movie is Kansas City Confidential. This will be of special interest to anyone who missed it when it was shown every night this month.
- Radar: I'll be going to jail in my puberty and not coming out until my adultery.
Mail Call Again
- Frank: Hello? Louise, it's me, Frank.
- Radar: (whispering to Frank) Frank Burns.
- Frank: (To Louise) Frank Burns. Can you hold on a minute, Sugar?
- (he glares at Radar and Klinger)
- Frank: (yelling) GO PEDDLE YOUR FISH!!!!
- (later on, Frank is talking to Louise in Colonel Potter's office)
- Frank: Houlihan? Yes, we have a Major Houlihan, but that's laughable! I mean, Major Houlihan is an old war horse!
- (Margaret overhears this insult, and she is furious!)
- Frank: I don't care what your mother said. Attractive? Houlihan? She's like an army mule with bosoms!
- (Once again, Margaret burns with rage at the insult!)
- Frank: Don't give me any of your snottiness, I am not that old dimwit you work for!
- (Colonel Potter turns around glaring at Burns)
- Potter: The Ohio call is mine, Major.
- Frank: I am just having a little joke with Radar.
- Potter: (sternly) And watch that dimwit talk, Burns! Your bulb's been out since I met you!
- Radar: (reading aloud what his mother is saying in her home movie) "I love you, Walter."
- BJ: Gee Dad, talkies.
- Mulcahy: Who's Walter?
- Radar: Oh, that's my given name.
- Hawkeye: Give it back.
- (and much later, after Potter learns his daughter in-law gave birth to a daughter)
- BJ: (to a tearful Hawkeye) You too?
- Hawkeye: (tearfully) I lost the baby pool.
- Mulcahy: Well, bless my soul. I won.
- BJ: A little inside information, Father?
- Mulcahy: No, I just happen to know a bit more about conception!
- (A smug and cackling Frank, having lied to his wife, comes out of Potter's office, only to have a chair thrown at him! The chair breaks on impact!)
- Margaret: (she is infuriated) War horse?! Army Mule?!
- Frank: Margaret!
- Margaret: Stuff it!!!
- (She storms out of the office, and Frank follows her!)
- Frank: I had to say what I did, try to understand!
- Margaret: Leave me alone, you chinless chipmunk!
- Frank: Margaret, please!
- Margaret: Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee!
- Frank: Margaret! (They walk nonchalantly past some enlisted men) I had to lie, the stocks and the house are in her name!
- (Margaret slams the door of her tent in his face)
- Frank: Oh, Margaret, dear. Let me bring over my can of Sterno, we can have some hot toddies and you can put on your new nightie!
- Margaret: (throwing her negligee at him) YOU put on my new nightie!
- Frank: Forty five dollars!
- (Enter BJ and Hawkeye with golf clubs)
- BJ: Sold.
- Hawkeye: Are alterations included?
- Frank: (nastily) Aw, go practice your putts!
- (Hours have passed and everybody is in The Swamp. They are celebrating the birth of Potter's new granddaughter, Sherry.)
- Hawkeye: Lieutenant Kelly, that cigar is you.
- Potter: (slightly drunk) To Sherry Pershing Potter, here's to a long and happy hitch!
- Everyone: Hear Hear!
- (Enter, Klinger, carrying a tray of booze)
- Klinger: (wearing Margaret's old negligee) Here we are, reinforcements, Colonel Grandpa!
- BJ: Klinger, where'd you get that negligee?
- Klinger: I found it in the garbage.
- Hawkeye: War is such a waste!
- Potter: Klinger, it's you!
- (Everybody launches into a chorus of "Let Me Call You Sweetheart")
The Price of Tomato Juice
- Frank: Courage is just something you can't be afraid to have.
- Potter: I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son and he dresses a lot like my wife.
- Margaret: Make sure no one goes into my tent.
- Radar: I wouldn't do that, Ma'am.
- Margaret: SOMEBODY does.
- Radar: Maybe it's rats.
- Margaret: You think RATS have been trying on my undies?
- Radar: Some of them rats are weird.
- Klinger: My mother had those. Had a premonition about Pearl Harbor.
- Radar: Did she tell anybody?
- Klinger: Nah! She didn't get it 'til December 9th.
- Radar: Sir, there was just a Korean in here.
- Frank: This country is crawling with Koreans. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Korean.
- Potter: (talking to his wife on the phone): I'm perfectly fine mother. Yes it's just as Radar said, I'm at the Officers Club.
- Radar: I'll have another beer.
- Hawkeye: May I have the next tango Major?
- Potter: Take it easy, the woman's not a nitwit. What's that Mother? Oh I do respect your premonitions. Yes, it was you who said my sister'd go bald. Happily you're wrong this time.
- Frank Burns' Toe Tag: Emotionally exhausted and morally bankrupt.
- Hawkeye (speaking to a pregnant Korean woman): By the way, I'm a doctor and I can tell you for certain that you're pregnant. And we know what causes that nowadays too.
- Hawkeye: Meat? Where'd you get meat? This is fantastic! Wait...where's the dog? (sees the dog come in) This is fantastic!
Some 38th Parallels
- (Colonel Coner, a retrieval officer who brags about the body count of soldiers, is being confronted by Hawkeye and BJ
- Colonel Coner: Our losses were insignificant.
- Hawkeye: How many kids in an insignificant?
- (After Coner had a bagful of garbage, that Hawkeye bought, dropped on top of him and his jeep)
- BJ: BEAUTIFUL! Beautiful! A Tintoretto in barf! (he kisses his fingertips in appreciation)
- Frank: I had dreams like this all through puberty!
- Potter: I didn't see any of it, but I loved it!
- Klinger: (to Hawkeye) You're a pistol, sir!
The Novocaine Mutiny
- BJ: Corporal Klinger's a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian, toward that end he dresses, uh--
- Hawkeye: In dresses.
- Colonel Carmichael: Bucking for a Section 8?
- Potter: The man does his job; I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
- Hawkeye: Unless, of course Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.
- Frank: The way I see it, unless we each conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free.
- Colonel Carmichael: I have weighed the evidence, not just the evidence but the records of the two individuals. I have no doubt that Captain Pierce is a prankster and thoroughly non-military, but the records prove him to be a top-flight surgeon. I wouldn't want to lead a company of Pierces into battle, but I sure as hell would want him around after that battle was over!
- Frank: What does the record say about MY surgical skills.
- Colonel Carmichael: If you hadn't been drafted as a doctor, I think you would have been assigned as a pastry chef!
- Corporal Owens: I don't want to go back to the fighting.
- BJ: Sounds serious. You may be coming down with mental health.
- BJ: (about Hawk's chicken leg) Where'd you get that?
- Hawkeye: The Petrified Forest.
- BJ: ...They still open?
The More I See You
- BJ: Minding my own business is a full-time job. In my spare time, it's my hobby. I can't divide myself emotionally. I couldn't break my word to Peg, and not because God will send me to Hell without an electric fan or because it's not the right thing to do. I simply don't want to.
- Hawkeye: You've got a lot to learn about messing up your life.
- Hawkeye: There's been no one since you. Faint copies at best.
- Hawkeye: Put out that cigarette, there's a lot of ether in there.
- Sergeant: Hey, I'm a sergeant, fella!
- Hawkeye: And I'm a captain, fella! Which means if we're blown up, I'll fly higher than you! So put it out!
- Hawkeye: A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street, and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums.
- Klinger: If I had all the answers, I'd run for God.
- Father Mulcahy: When the doctors cut into a patient and it's cold, the way it is now...steam rises from the body...and the doctor will---will warm his hands over the open wound. (takes a deep breath) How could anyone look on that and not feel changed?
- Colonel Potter: You people...
- [The phone rings in the distance]
- Radar: [running off] I'll get...
- Colonel Potter: Get the phone, Radar. You people have been panicking over a rumor which says that the 4077th is bugging out. That is grade-A 100% bull cookies! You service people should know by now that scuttlebutt is as common as cooties in your skivvies! My apologies to those among us of the feminine gland and to our resident celibate, Father Mulcahy.
- Mulcahy: Thank you, sir.
- Colonel Potter: My pleasure, Now you take World War II. My unit got the word that Nazis, dressed as Eskimos, had overrun Seattle. Incredible as it seems, half my unit believed it and began hoarding canned salmon. Now then, I have spoken personally to General Hamilton at Headquarters. I've known Bink Hamilton for going on thirty years. I am the godfather of his grandson, Sherman Potter Hamilton! Fifteen years old and can name 24 of the 48 states. Already has an appointment to West Point. The general has assured me there is nothing to worry about. M*A*S*H 4077 is definitely [Radar returns and hands the message to Potter, who reads...] bugging out in three hours! [Pause] BUG OUT!
- [A soldier loads the toilet seats into a truck]
- Frank: If I get splinters, I'll have your stripes.
- Soldier: I'm a private.
- Frank: Don't pull rank on ME!
- Hawkeye: [hearing an explosion] Is today the Fourth of July?
- Margaret: September.
- Hawkeye: Just a wild hope.
- BJ: Frank, weren't you a Boy Scout?
- Frank: Yes. I was. Later, I was Scoutmaster.
- Hawkeye: Until those little ingrates set fire to his pants.
- Frank: Not true. That was a drill.
- Frank: I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?
- Frank: Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.
- Margaret: You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?
- Frank: Yeah, that one.
- Margaret: Don't you think she's a bit young for you?
- Frank: (smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
- Frank: Pierce, you disgust me!
- Hawkeye: That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.
- Radar: [reading Hawkeye's letter] Take care, son. We are connecting the dogs.
- Hawkeye: That's "counting the days".
- Radar: "We are counting the days. All my love..." Major Burns.
- Hawkeye: What?
- Radar: Major Burns, coming this way.
Lt. Radar O'Reilly
- Radar (talking about his promotion): It just come right outta the blue!
- Hawkeye: Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toting that bale.
- BJ: Not getting drunk and landing in jail.
- Hawkeye: Had to happen.
- BJ: It was in the cards.
- Margaret: Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and... [gasps and breaks down] hear you laughing and know that I'm not welcome? Did you ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?
- Nurse: We didn't think you'd accept.
- Margaret: Well, you were wrong.
The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan
- Frank: Any mindless baboon can see she's not here, including me!
- Klinger: (as a Korean girl stares at his dress) This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
- Hawkeye: What happened?
- BJ: Hop-a-long Ferret Face shot me!
- (Later on, Colonel Potter waits for an explanation from Major Burns as to why he shot BJ)
- Burns: How's your horse, sir? When I was a kid, my daddy used to take me to the pony rides and---
- Potter: (angrily) How did it happen, Burns?
- Burns: You mean the, uh---?
- Potter: Right!
- Burns: I was cleaning my weapon and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Major Houlihan!
- Potter: I see. So, naturally, you shot Captain Hunnicutt.
- (and later)
- Burns: Permission to look for Major Houlihan
- Potter: Permission denied!
- Burns: But I....
- Potter: No!
- Burns: I'll go wait in my tent!
- Potter (disgusted) A mental pygmy!
- Frank: I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!
- Sidney: Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.
- BJ: Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.
- Klinger: Not me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.
The Korean Surgeon
- Hawkeye: Maybe they'd be interested in an exchange. We could keep Paik and give them Frank.
- Klinger: If anything happens, bury me in the blue chiffon!
Hawkeye Get Your Gun
- Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.
- (both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole)
- Potter: Fire that weapon!
- Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
- Potter: I said fire that weapon!
- Hawkeye: All right. [to the gun] You're fired! [to Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
- Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
- Hawkeye: (snapping his fingers) Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
- Potter: Fire the gun Hawkeye.
- Hawkeye: Look Colonel, I'll heal their wounds, treat their wounds, bind their wounds, but I will not inflict their wounds.
- Potter: You can't just sit there.
- Hawkeye: I may be sitting on the outside but I'm running on the inside.
- Potter: You love life that little?
- Hawkeye: I hate GUNS that much.
The Colonel's Horse
- (talking about Frank)
- BJ: Can't you do something?
- Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
- Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
- Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
- BJ: (regarding Sophie's condition) Too much dry grass, not enough water; she's got colic.
- Radar: Ooh, that's serious!
- Hawkeye: Colic?
- BJ: He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
- Hawkeye: ...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.
- (a hose needs to be connected to the water tower)
- Hawkeye: Hook this to the tap up there.
- BJ: It looks awful high.
- Hawkeye: Would you rather have this end?
- BJ: (climbing) It's not so high.
- Hawkeye: Upsy-daisy.
- BJ: I love you Daddy.
- (Hawkeye and BJ are removing Margaret's appendix.)
- Frank: (Barging into the OR) Why wasn't I called?!
- Potter: (Barking at Frank) Mask!
- Frank: (angered) Well, I should be doing this surgery! I know Major Houlihan's appendix better than any of you guys!
- Potter: Burns, she asked for Pierce.
- Frank: I don't believe it!
- Mulcahy: (quietly to Potter) Great deal of conflict here.
- Potter: (quietly to Mulcahy) You said it, brother... uh, Father. (aloud, to Frank) Burns, she doesn't want you here!
- Frank: I'm not leaving until I hear it from her own lips!
- (BJ, about to put the anesthetic mask over Margaret's face, pauses)
- Margaret: Listen to these lips, Frank. Get out!
- Frank: She's delirious.
- Margaret: (almost screaming) OUT!
- (Potter pushes Frank out of the OR)
- Frank: (angrily to Margaret) I hope you have a great big scar!
- Margaret: You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.
- Frank: She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.
- Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.
- Potter: You see a ghost?
- Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.
- BJ: My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.
- Frank: That's impossible!
- BJ: Then how come he sent her a bill?
- Hawkeye: We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you, Frank.
- Frank: Oh? And what am I?
- Hawkeye: Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.
- Margaret: Clumsy oaf.
- Hawkeye: No prompting from the studio audience.
- [Radar encounters Hawkeye while he is sleepwalking.]
- Radar: Did you lose something, sir?
- Hawkeye: Hi, Stinky,
- Radar: [looks around] Uh, sir, that's the sorta name that kinda sticks with a fella. I'd appreciate it if you just call me by my given nickname.
- Hawkeye: What's cookin', Dexter?
- Radar: ... If those are my only choices, I guess I'll take "Stinky". It's got a little more pizazz.
- (Klinger and Radar watch Sidney play a game of imaginary basketball with Hawkeye)
- Klinger: Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy, you gotta stand in line.
The Most Unforgettable Characters
- Klinger: Who put gasoline in my gasoline?
- Radar: The friendly old sun showed his friendly hot face over the mountains of purple majesty as though he was salutating "Good morning to all." Alas, alack, the peaceful quietness was detonated by a herd of chopper transportizing punctured personnel. But our gallant doctors, the miracle medical mortals are ever ready to treat the sick. The wounded were aided copiously by super-smart surgeons whose knowledge is superseded by nobody I know. Together or apart, they work as a team. Skilled hands with their fingers work dedicatedly to keep death away from its maximum.
- Potter: Radar what is this cow flubdubbery? All this "miracle medical mortals" hooey. What are you doing to my duty log?
- Radar: I was just adding a hint of self-expression.
- Radar: The sun in its crimson radiance bids a crepuscular adieu to another day. Corporal Klinger was in his last grisly hour of guard duty little knowing the fate that destiny had planned up for him. The Chinese were giving up in hordes. Sergeant Fierman brought in three prisoners that he had captured after they had surrendered voluntarily. The sergeant bragadeered to Corporal Klinger that capturing prisoners meant points toward discharge and early homeward bounding. This information inspired Klinger a whole lot. The vainglorious corporal ran like a bird and sped off in quest of Chinese giver-uppers. But destiny exterminated his luck. The Chinese had not seen women in an overexcited period of time. Klinger barely escaped with his purity still clean and in the process, ruining his finest frockery. The corporal re-arrived with his dignity dented and his nonchalantness not so nifty.
- Potter: Enough, boy! Enough! This whole unit is gonna get a Section Eight!
- Potter: How can you see with those filthy glasses?
- Radar: I know where everything is.
- Potter: (seeing Klinger eat a piece of a jeep) "A" for effort Klinger but it's not gonna work.
- Klinger: Watch this. (swallows the lugnut and smiles)
- Radar: Oh wow right down.
- Klinger: Dip it in a little 30 weight motor oil, pop it in and let it slide down the gullet like a blue point oyster.
- Radar: Colonel he's crazy.
- Klinger: See? I got a witness. You gotta give me a Section 8 and send me home.
- Potter: No dice.
- Klinger: If you don't let me out for being a nut you're nuttier than me! Sir.
- [Klinger is playing horseshoes with Potter]
- Potter: I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
- Klinger: Well, sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
- Potter: What's that got to do with it?
- Klinger: We didn't throw them for fun. We threw them in self-defense!
- Potter: We all know when the Good Lord passed out paranoia, Frank Burns got on line twice.
- Hawkeye: [showing four open fingers] Three times;[BJ closes one finger] and the third time, he denied ever being in line!
- [Everyone at the 4077th is attending a Korean Buddhist wedding taking place at the MASH]
- Frank: They won't get away with this. General Harrelson will hear about this!
- Margaret: Oh, shut up!
- Hawkeye: I think I'm having an identity crisis. I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.
- BJ: If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.
- Klinger: (to Zale) If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!
- Potter: Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everybody. The only person I'm out to beat is who I am right now. And in your case, that's tough enough.
The General's Practitioner
- Frank: So like you, Hunnicutt. Not a patriotic bone in your body.
- Hawkeye: No wonder the man flunked anatomy, he thinks there are patriotic bones!
- Klinger: [singing] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen...
- Hawkeye: I know!
- Klinger: Somebody knows the trouble I've seen...
- BJ: [singing] Git along, little doggie...
- Hawkeye: I had a long little doggie once. A Dachshund.
- BJ: Oh a little hot dog. What happened to it?
- Hawkeye: It got all mustered out.
- BJ: I relish these conversations.
- Potter: [Giving a speech about returning home in one piece] And remember, someone at home loves you. Don't ask me why.
- Burns: I hope you catch that ugly creep who's been using my face!
- Potter: Sergeant, I've told everyone else, I'll tell you. The 4077th is out of blood! We're squeezin' turnips here! All my personnel have donated at least twice, and Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts!
- Moody: When I was a kid, I used to fight all the time when people put me down. I believed what they said about me. Not any more. I've been up on the line. I had the guts to go out there and drag 'em back to the aid station. No one's gonna get me again with any verbal abuse because I got something guys like that will never have - self-respect.
- Klinger: In the words of my people, may your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms, warm breezes, and spit-free camels.
(As Margaret goes on her honeymoon)
- Frank: Bye, Margaret.
Fade Out, Fade In
- Charles: What is that odor?
- Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
- Charles: The wind is from the south.
- Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
- Hawkeye: [in a toast to Frank's leaving]...Goodbye, Ferret Face!
- Hawkeye: Look, you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? In the blood of children? I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then... then the hell with it. How dare you? The hell with your Iowa naivete, and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear, and while you're at it, the hell with you! Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder, if possible without going crazy. Period. (Radar begins to cry) Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will ya!? You ninny!
- Radar: I don't think this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me. I mean I work under terrible pressure and everything and there's a lot of death and destruction and stuff but outside of that I don't think I'm really getting much out of it.
- Hawkeye: (after getting a talking to from Mulcahy, Margaret, and Potter) Radar I'd like to apologize.
- Radar: Oh yeah? Well you can just forget it. Just forget it! The hell with me huh. The hell with you. How about that? And another thing. I wanna tell you something. Anyone who says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up pal. I'll give you a fistful of Iowa naiveteness right in the stomach. How about that, huh?!
- Hawkeye: (stopping the nurse trying to calm Radar down) No, let him go.
- Radar: You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself?
- BJ: He'll be walking back here in about an hour.
- Hawkeye: He'll be WALKING back?
- BJ: The only thing gassed up in that jeep was US!
- Margaret: (to Colonel Potter) When's the last time I came to you? I ask so little?
- Hawkeye: And she gives so much.
War of Nerves
- Sidney: When Pierce and Hunnicutt lose one, he's out of his misery. When I lose one, I've lost a mind.
- Mulcahy: When I lose one, I've lost a soul. I guess it all depends on your point of view.
- Sidney (to Klinger): You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
The Winchester Tapes
- Hawkeye: You've got to have a pair of pajamas, look around. You had a pair when you got here.
- BJ: I had a lot of things when I got here. Faith, hope, sanity, a liver.
- Charles: I will put this as eloquently and succinctly as possible...(tries to pours tea but a plastic chicken is in the pitcher) ...Get me the hell out of here!
- Charles: [taping a letter to send home] Dear Mother and Dad, I have only been here a short while, but it seems forever. MASH 4077 is truly a nightmare. It is either too cold or it is unbearably hot. I needn't tell you again, I won't be happy until I am out of here. I have even contemplated shooting myself in the foot. But, you know how much I enjoy the annual Deb's Cotillion.
The Light That Failed
- Charles: I would operate in Braille if my fingers weren't frozen.
- Hawkeye: (imitating Charles' accent) Sorry Charles, we're all out of fur-lined rubber gloves.
- Hawkeye: (gleefully, after BJ has ripped chapter 1 out of his book and given to Hawk to read) Heehee! Reading! This just might be better than sex!
- Charles: Certainly takes longer around here.
- BJ: How would you know?
In Love and War
- Hawkeye: Je suis poulet a la poetry.
- (Kyong Soon starts laughing)
- Hawkeye: What?
- Kyong Soon: What did you mean to say?
- Hawkeye: That I'm pulled toward poetry. What did I say?
- Kyong Soon: (still laughing) You said you were a chicken!
- Hawkeye: What does Kyong Soon mean?
- Kyong Soon: It means bright and obedient. But my father used to tease me. I'm not very obedient.
- Sergeant Maxwell: If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know.
- Hawkeye: How about arresting this war for disturbing the peace?
- Potter (seeing Klinger in a Class A uniform): Klinger, you're out of uniform!
- Sergeant: (showing Hawkeye, BJ and Radar his tattoo) The Marine emblem, Semper Fidelis.
- BJ: Latin for "always faithful".
- Hawkeye: Well, I'd want to meet the girl first.
- Radar: (about his tattoo) It'll come off when I take a bath.
- Hawkeye: My God, it is permanent.
The M*A*S*H Olympics
- Potter: You're gonna eat your way to a discharge.
- Klinger: I call it "food for freedom".
- Potter: I call it "suicide by salami".
- BJ: You? An athletic scholarship!?
- Hawkeye: That's right, the coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.
The Grim Reaper
- Charles: Do you happen to have a quarter?
- Hawkeye: All this for a quarter?
- Charles: I have to pry off the cover.
- BJ: 'Course, cover charge.
- Margaret: Look out teeth, look out gums, look out liver, here she comes!
- Charles: Civilization in Korea.
- Potter: You interrupted a Zane Grey gunfight because of a schoolyard spat over a jacket?
- Charles: That jacket is rightfully mine.
- Potter: Major get your mind off collecting fees. This is the army not park avenue.
- Charles: This is Hell's Kitchen.
- Potter (pointing to boots): See those boots? Picture them kicking you across the compound.
- BJ: Mind if I enter?
- Potter: Sure. You know my hours, 11pm to reveille.
- Charles: Well perjury must have its day in court.
- Potter: Approach the bench.
Comrades in Arms (Part 1)
- Charles: Do you two realize that you are singing two entirely different operas and they're both out of tune?
- Hawkeye: Don't blame me, I didn't write this stuff.
- BJ: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- Hawkeye: What don't you do?
- BJ: I'll think of something.
Comrades in Arms (Part 2)
- Margaret: Continental breakfast.
- Hawkeye: Continent of Atlantis.
- Margaret: Huh?
- Hawkeye: That's the one that sank.
- Hawkeye: (talking to Margaret about what to tell Donald about their brief affair) What do you usually tell him?
The Merchant of Korea
- Hawkeye: Who does he think he is, The Merchant of Korea?
- BJ: Stop crying, it's just a pound of flesh.
- Hawkeye: A pound of flesh, my butt.
- BJ: Wherever.
- Hawkeye: What do you think the sentence is for firing an officer out of a Howitzer?
- BJ: 190 years, if you're a first offender.
- Potter: Whose bright idea was this, anyhow?
- Hawkeye: Ask the five-card stud.
- Klinger: Look at him! He doesn't sweat. I ain't seen someone who doesn't sweat before.
- BJ: Sure you have, in the Reptile House.
- Mulcahy: I think I'm gonna fold, while I still have a little left for the orphans.
- Charles: Oh, Father, give them my, (starts to hand Mulcahy a blue poker chip, but switches to a red) give them my best.
- Mulcahy: (pauses) Well, good night everyone.
- Hawkeye: Good night, Mr. Chip.
The Smell of Music
- Charles: (after his French horn is run over) Colonel, what about my horn?
- Potter: By all means, Winchester. Bring it along, we'd love to hear it.
- [Hawkeye and B.J. enter the Swamp as Winchester is playing his French horn, out of tune]
- Hawkeye: From the fashionable Swamp Room high above midtown Ouijongbou come the sadistic sounds of Doc Winchester and his All-Moose Orchestra, who ask the musical question: "Why us!?"
- B.J.: CUT!!
- Potter: Well, official channels could take forever. I remember when I applied for permission to get married. By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced.
Tea and Empathy
- Hawkeye: We have an old saying in America: Get out.
- Klinger: (after he rips his skirt) That was an original. Now they'll make copies and you'll see it all over Korea!
Your Hit Parade
- Charles: (trying to find a place to sleep in Potter's tent) I demand a space for my cot.
- Hawkeye: (picks up a small box) Hello, room service, send up a larger room.
- Charles: (while trying to sleep on his cot in Margaret's tent) Margaret, we are both adults.
- Margaret: Yes, of the opposite sex!
What's Up, Doc?
- Klinger: No, they got something better...me.
- Tom: Huh?
- Klinger: Take me instead of him, I've got your escape plan.
- Tom: I got my own plan...chopper to Seoul, plane back to Ohio.
- Klinger: I'm from Toledo, I know people there, I can make it easy for you.
- Charles: Take him, he's got a plan, I would be lost in Ohio. Take him, please, please? I've never even been to Ohio, he was born and raised there! He's--
- Tom: Okay, okay get out of here, anything's better than you!
- BJ: I think the marines are the only ones with an art history division.
Mail Call Three
- Klinger: When I leave the army, it'll be the honorable way...with a section 8!
- Radar: Colonel! Colonel, it's Klinger, he's back!
- Potter: Thank God he's back alive, I'm gonna kill him!
- Potter: (about Col. Wheatley) He's a real stickler for regulations, especially hair length.
- Hawkeye: I'll pin my hair under my hat, (points to Bigelow) and you better cut those sideburns.
- Captain Roy Dupree: (downing his 'Swamp hooch' in one gulp) Why don't you boys put some whiskey in this punch?
- BJ: You were a fire-eater before you became a doctor.
- Captain Roy Dupree: Shoot, back home, my mama'd sprinkle this stuff on her ironing board!
- Hawkeye: (after Charles takes a swig of the liquid in his hair restorer bottle) Charles, you're drinking your hair!
- Charles: Don't be ridiculous. This is twelve-year-old Scotch. You don't think I'd keep it in the original bottle with you petty larcenists around, do you?
- Hawkeye: Eugggh!
- BJ: What, what?
- Hawkeye: I've been drinking from his Scotch bottle!
- Potter: (after the staff has sung him "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow") Thank you folks, that was really lousy.
- Charles: Well, what do you expect with very little talent and only five minutes' preparation?
Dr. Winchester and Mr. Hyde
- Hawkeye: Winchester, the only people up in Korea at this hour are snipers and milkmen!
- Klinger: I got KP coming up. I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.
- Charles: (after one-upping Hawkeye and B.J. with a photo of himself having dinner with Audrey Hepburn) When will you two cretins realize that your feeble imaginations cannot keep up with my real life?
- Boots Miller: Boots Miller on the move here in Korea, where the men are rugged. You can see it in their voices.
- Margaret: Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well.
- Hawkeye: We were great for half a staff. Damn that Hunnicutt, where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, you know. I could throw the book at him.
- Margaret: I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army?
- Hawkeye: Since it was left to me.
- Margaret: If only Frank Burns could see you now! It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?
- Klinger: Colonel, I missed you!
- Potter: No.
- Klinger: About my heart murmur, Sir...
- Potter: No.
- Klinger: My double vision is coming back.
- Potter: No.
- Klinger: I've fallen in love with a goat!
- Potter: No.
- Klinger: Glad to have you back, Sir.
Peace On Us
- Charles: Must you always spout Scripture, Father?
- Father Mulcahy: I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.
- Military Policeman: I'm looking for a Colonel Sherman Potter.
- Father Mulcahy: He's over there: the one drinking with two hands.
- Lil: Are you married, Margaret?
- Margaret: I was, but he wasn't.
- Hawkeye: (still trying to guess what "BJ" stands for) Was your mother Spanish?
- BJ: No, why?
- Hawkeye: That eliminates Benito Juarez.
Our Finest Hour
- BJ: When you see the kind of horror that we do, day in and day out, you don't just feel close. You cling to each other.
- (after Clete Roberts asks Klinger what he'll remember about serving in Korea)
- Klinger: All the good times, that's what I'll remember. I think there were three.
The Billfold Syndrome
- Hawkeye: Don't you ever sleep?
- Nielsen: Sleep, what's that?
- Hawkeye: Close your eyes, put your head on your chest, and have nightmares about the war.
- Nielsen: When you're a medic, you don't have to close your eyes.
None Like It Hot
- Mulcahy: I have a good mind to baptize you both, in dirty water.
They Call the Wind Korea
- (Nurse Bigelow comes into the Swamp)
- Hawkeye: Beej, I'm ready to face the storm. Secure me to her!
- Mulcahy: We've got a villager whose house collapsed around him and a young boy who chased his frightened livestock into a minefield.
- Margaret: Dear God.
- Mulcahy: He's been alerted.
- BJ: Springtime in Korea, when the air is filled with pollen and bullets.
- (BJ begins humming)
- Hawkeye: You have just heard the ponderous words of Doctor Charles Emerson Supercillious, the only surgeon who can operate with one foot lodged in his mouth.
Baby, it's Cold Outside
- Potter: You don't think this is the proverbial 'hell freezing over' do you, Father?
- Mulcahy: Oh, no, no. I'm sure I'd have been informed if anything that big were on the agenda.
- Potter: Pierce, before the Major tells me to tell you to shut up, shut up.
- Potter: We're gonna have to keep these boys plenty warm tonight. You'll have to take heaters from the tents again.
- Radar: Sir, the last time I did that they hid my glasses in the meatloaf!
- Potter: Now, Radar, watch this, this'll be a real doozie.
- Radar: (watching Sonia Henie spin) Oh, boy, how does she do that without throwing up.
Point of View
- (Private Rich wakes up and sees Hawkeye looking at his chart)
- Hawkeye: Oh, you caught me. I was just eavesdropping on your condition. These charts come in handy, you know? Everybody ought to have one. Somebody asks how you're doing, you don't have to answer. Just show them your chart. So how are you doing?
- (Private Rich touches the chart)
- Hawkeye: Wise guy, huh?
- Hawkeye: Klinger, you should know better. The Mess Tent is no place to bring a sick person!
- Kwang: Why do you wear the uniform of a nurse?
- Klinger: It's a disguise. I'm hiding from sanity.
- Kwang: That's crazy.
- Klinger: See? It's working!
- Hawkeye: Look at this! All my fleas are dead! [to Charles] MURDERER!
- Kwang: Excuse me, but uh, what are you doing to gun?
- BJ: Preventative maintenance, Kwang.
- Hawkeye: We fix it now, and no one will have to worry about it again.
- Kwang: Ah, Kwang understand. No, he don't.
Out of Gas
- Mulcahy: Just as the Lord said to Noah, "Everything in pairs."
- Hawkeye: Of course the Lord was holding three aces at the time.
- Radar: We're really up the river without a creek.
- Mulcahy: I might be able to arrange a drop.
- Potter: It's gonna take a lot more than a drop, Padre.
- Mulcahy: I mean, with the black market.
- Potter: Not advisable. Those boys play rough.
- Margaret: And besides, who'd be low enough to have dealings with those tarantulas?
- Mulcahy: As a matter of fact...me.
An Eye for a Tooth
- Hawkeye: (about the man Father Mulcahy punched) He's got good footwork, but he's weak in the clinches. My money's on you for the rematch.
B.J. Papa San
- Charles: Pierce, why must you always thwart my attempts to bring a little culture into this neolithic pup tent?
- Hawkeye: Because I'm a music lover.
- General Prescott: You look familiar, Colonel. Do I know you?
- Potter: I don't think so, General.
- Prescott: Were you in World War II?
- Potter: Yes, sir.
- Prescott: I knew you looked familiar!
- Hawkeye: I am the essence of overconfidence. I am speculation, adventure, the spirit of pursuit, the stag howling for its winsome, yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution, the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle fuzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life, I am appetite!
- BJ: And I'm not taking my clothes off till he leaves.
- BJ: You assassinated his character?
- Hawkeye: Yeah. I let him talk.
- Hawkeye: Does he understand English?
- Radar: I'll find out. Ya understand English?
- Korean Teenager: Yes.
- Radar: Yes.
The Young and the Restless
- Simmons: I'm sorry for being so young.
- BJ: That's all right, you'll grow out of it.
- Potter: You'll want to be there for two reasons. One, this is going to teach us all a new heart procedure. And second, it would be a nice gesture to your commanding officer, who could make your life so miserable if he wanted to.
Hot Lips is Back in Town
- Lieutenant Nugent: Do you dance, Radar?
- Radar: Uh, no. Football knee.
- Nugent: Oh, you played football?
- Radar: Not much, I had a bad knee.
- PA Announcement: Attention all personnel. The Mess Tent is closed this afternoon for the medical staff meeting. Unfortunately, it will re-open for dinner at 1700 hours.
- Hawkeye: With Klinger and Mulcahy's blood in him, this kid will wake up singing "Ave Maria" in Lebanese.
- Klinger: Before I go in sir, I demand you send out a patrol to rescue my wardrobe.
- Potter: Into the cave with the rest of the bats.
Rally Around the Flagg, Boys
- Potter: Oh, Pony Pucks
- Hawkeye: That guy would turn in his own mother for passing along a recipe.
- Charles: You don't like the fellow, do you?
- Hawkeye: No, I've never been too fond of a guy who would bring you a wounded prisoner and beg you to fix him up just so that he could take him out and shoot him.
- Charles: That bad, hmmm?
- Hawkeye: I don't see anything here. I think I'll go sing Carmen in the latrine. The echo'll kill him.
- Potter: What is this idiocy about?
- Flagg: Your spy ring.
- Potter: Spy ring?
- Flagg: Very clever, hiding under a house of cards while you plot the overthrow of the free world.
- Hawkeye: He's got us, guys, we might as well confess. I'm Joe Stalin. Mao Tse-Tung, Marshall Tito, and, of course, you already know Lenin. What can I say, we couldn't get a room in the Kremlin.
- Potter: Sometimes when a man's anxious to stick out a glad hand, it's because he's got something up his sleeve.
- BJ: (to Hawkeye) You treated a symptom. The disease goes merrily on.
A Night at Rosie's
- B.J.: What he's trying to say is, correct me if I'm wrong...what's he trying to say?
- Hawkeye: That Rosie's is an oasis, a bamboo security blanket, a neutral country all it's own.
- Scully: Yeah a country!
- Klinger: OK, OK, something right's gotta happen here, hey stay back you're in my light.
- Mulcahy: This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen!
- Hawkeye: [Dancing with nothing] No Charles, you can't cut in.
- Mulcahy: B.J, I hate to interrupt you in mid-debauch, but I'd like a word with you.
- [Potter just un-gagged Charles after Hawkeye and BJ tied him up]
- Charles: Colonel, I... [he gags, then starts again] I was raised in a gracious and civilized atmosphere. I was taught the Golden Rule, and with the exception of some few business dealings, I have learned to live by it. However, in this case, I want these vermin HUNG! I want them buried in anthills, their bodies smeared with honey!
- Potter: Easy, Major.
- Charles: I want them drawn and quartered, and I want the pieces arrested!
- Hawkeye: [telling a nurse about Rosie Land] We're a simple country, where man's only obligation is to love his fellow woman. So what do you say, you wanna be a patriot and love me back? [the nurse walks away] Turncoat!
- Jack Scully: Got anything to smoke?
- Rosie: [handing him a cigar] Special today. Two bits.
- Hawkeye: It's on me.
- Jack Scully: How come it's got teeth marks in it.
- Rosie: It's a demonstrator model.
- Hawkeye: How can I eat that and look my mouth in the face?
- Hawkeye: I hate the army. Usually, I just can't stand it. But this is different: this is hate.
- Radar: Oh sir, thank goodness you're here, or else I wouldn't have found you here.
- Hawkeye: [About beer and cereal] Listen to that, snap crackle and burp.
- Hawkeye: [Rosie Land's Motto] Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happy Hour.
Ain't Love Grand
- Potter (about Klinger): Is he wearing a class A uniform?
- Hawkeye Let's see. Ugly color, forty years out of style, fits like a tent? Yeah that's a Class A all right.
- Klinger Excuse the deviation, colonel, but I have a little rendezvous later...and we promised to wear something kinky.
<<<The surgical threesome as they enter the Swamp>>>
- Hawkeye: <grunt/moan> 23 hours of O.R.
- B.J.: So?...23 hours...It's not like we were in there all day.
- Charles: I feel like Dorian Grey's picture. Does anyone mind if I relax to some Beethoven?
- Hawkeye: Yes! <simultaneous with B.J.>
- B.J.: Aww...not tonight!<simultaneous with Hawkeye>
- Charles: Alrighty, since you insist <starts the record player.>
- B.J.: <sarcastically> We-hell, at least he had the decency to ask.
- Hawkeye: My body is so tired it's suing me for running a sweatshop.
- Hawkeye: Why am I wide awake?!? I know, how 'bout a brisk walk?
- Father Mulcahy Spin n win...Spin n win...Everybody benefits when we play bingo.
- Charles: Keep your grimy hands on the wheel.
- Radar: Look I'm sorry Major, the tires won't stay on the road.
- Potter (upon hearing about Mrs. Potter dancing with Hawkeye's dad at the party): Hawk, if your father is anything like you, we're going to have a long, long talk about this.
- B.J.:I can see us all sitting at a reunion ten years from now.
- Hawkeye:Yeah, the war's been over for a month, we all have gray hair, Charles has his in a box.
Too Many Cooks
Are You Now, Margaret?
- Williamson: Do you always treat enemy soldiers?
- Hawkeye: Of course not, only if they're sick.
- Hawkeye: (to Willamson, furious at his blather about the Red Menace) Don't tell us about the Red Menace! We're up to our ankles in it! It comes out of those kids you keep sending us!
- (Klinger has just photographed Williamson in a compromising position with Margaret in her tent. BJ, Hawkeye, and Charles burst in.)
- Williamson: Will someone please tell me what's going on here?
- BJ: We thought your wife might like some pictures of your little fact-finding tour.
- Hawkeye: Suitable for hanging.
- Klinger: (passing out copies of Stars & Stripes to the officers) Here; read this.
- Hawkeye: (reading) "Scandal Rocks Capitol Hill. Congressman Daniel Lurie-!"
- Everyone else: *gasps of surprise*
- Hawkeye: (reading on) "-Caught in Washington Love Nest with Aide's Wife! 'My-my husband drove me to it,' sobbed a tearful-"
- Everyone: (reading together) "-L. Shirley Williamson!"
- Hawkeye: (reading on) "'I needed more than a man who's married to his work first and me second!'"
- Margaret: Now wait, wait. That seems fair. He had the Congressman's ear, and she got everything else!
Guerrilla My Dreams
- (Klinger has just brought Charles a bottle of Napoleon brandy)
- Charles: Ah...Napoleon. If you'd given more of this to Josephine...she might have stayed home nights.
- B.J.: Oh none for me. It offends my palate, not to mention my co-palate.
Goodbye, Radar (Part 1)
- (Col. Potter walks into the Swamp)
- Potter: Either of you seen Radar?
- Hawkeye: Last I saw him he was in the Officer's Club having a touch of the grape.
- BJ: Why? What's wrong?
- Potter: Plenty. I just got a wire from the boy's mother in Iowa. Radar's Uncle Ed passed away.
- Hawkeye: Oy.
- Potter: Yeah, oy.
- Radar: And to top it all off, my Nehi is warm.
Goodbye, Radar (Part 2)
- Potter: Listen, Radar, I guess you realize I'm kinda fond of you. Lord knows I've never met a soul I could depend on more, but above all that, you've been a damn good friend. Well, friend, it's time we said goodbye. Time you got on with your life. You've come as far as you can go here. You've earned your wings... now you've gotta fly.
- Radar: That's a barrier we all have to cross.
- [Radar's last scene on the show]
- Driver: Where are you headed?
- Radar: Ottumwa, Iowa.
- Driver: Never heard of it. I guess anywhere you live is home.
- Radar: I'm ready, let's go.
Period of Adjustment
- BJ: Well, if it isn't Hawkeye Benjamin Franklin Pierce, named for a president, an Indian, and a stove.
- Potter:(to Klinger) So far you have performed your duties with the efficiency of a one-legged man at a BUTT-kicking contest!
- Potter: Folks around here were pretty fond of Henry Blake when he ran this fort, weren't they?
- Klinger: Well, sure, the Colonel was a top notch kind of a guy.
- Potter: You bet he was. And, I don't mind telling, you my first few days in his shadow were a mite uneasy. No one was jumping for joy over me. I was no Henry Blake, never tried to be. That didn't make me any better or worse, just different. The point is, the folks here gave me the time to take this job and make it Sherman Potter's. I guess I forgot that when you took over for Radar. What I'm trying to say is, you need the time to take this job and make it Max Klinger's. So, just do it. And, if you need some help, if you've got a question, just knock on my door. Is that clear, Max?
- Klinger: Crystal, sir.
- Mulcahy: I had to give a girl the brush-off!
- Hawkeye: (stunned) Would you mind repeating that? I think the sun was in my ears.
- Hawkeye: Come again?
- Mulcahy: She was hugging the stuffing out of me!
- Hawkeye: Well I don't blame her, Father, I think you're as cute as the dickens.
- Margaret: (walks into Potter's office along with Mulcahy and Hawkeye) You wanted to see us sir?
- Potter: Not really, but it's the only way I can talk to you.
- Hawkeye: What's this about Colonel?
- Potter: Glad you asked. I'm a very busy man so I'll make this short and sweet. Lieutenant Harris dropped by this morning, had a little surprise for me. A request for an immediate transfer.
- Mulcahy: (knowing he is the cause) Oh dear.
- Potter: Naturally I thought she wanted out because she couldn't take a bath but that wasn't the reason. So I said "What is the reason?" And she said "I made a big fool of myself and the whole camp knows it." So I said "Well I don't know it." And she said "I'm surprised Pierce didn't tell you."
- Hawkeye: (confused) What?
- Potter: So I said "Why are you dropping this in my lap when you should be talking to your head nurse?" And she said "The head nurse hates me."
- Margaret: I do not hate her.
- Potter: So I said "Back up a bit. What is it you did that got everybody's tongue wagging except mine?" And she said "I had an unhappy love affair." So I asked "Was it one of my doctors?" And she said "No. It was your priest."
- Mulcahy: (after hearing the story) Colonel you must understand she's very upset.
- Potter: That's what she said. She was so upset she's giving up on Med School. I didn't even know she was going to Med School.
- Mulcahy: She mustn't give up.
- Potter: Now look folks this is none of my affair so why don't we keep it that way. The woman's got only a few weeks left in this man's army. A transfer would be a waste of good red tape so here's what your gonna do. (points to Hawkeye) You stop talking about her. (points to Margaret) You stop hating her. (points to Mulcahy) And you stop dating her.
- Mulcahy: You know, you'd make a fine priest.
- Hawkeye: Ah, thanks Father, I don't think it would work out. Besides, the only Latin I know is Xavier Cugat.
- Potter: (to Hawkeye) This is the happy hour. Angry hour starts at ten!
- Klinger: (to Korean mother who accuses him of conduct unbecoming) Madam, it is against the rules to fold, spindle, or perforate military personnel. Could we go back to the broom or how about a vacuum cleaner? Uhh Colonel would you mind dropping everything and coming out here fast?!
- Potter: What the heck is going-- put that thing down lady this is no hayride. Now what in the name of Beezlebub is goin on here? (everyone starts talking at once to explain and Colonel Potter holds up his arms for silence) Hold it down! (after everyone is quiet) Now that's more like it. Klinger this woman seems a little cranky.
- Klinger: Actually sir it's very amusing.
- Potter: Then how come Madame Pitchfork isn't laughing?
- Klinger: (referring to Korean woman holding pitchfork) This is Miss Oksun Li. She thinks I was playing inappropriate games with her daughter here.
Mr. and Mrs. Who?
- Charles: On only one other occasion in my life did I even approach that level of inebriation.
- Donna: When was that?
- Charles: It was the night after I graduated from Harvard Medical School, I distinctly remember trying to swim the Charles River in cap and gown, reasoning that since it was named after me, it was my river.
- Donna: Well of course. Did you get married then, too?
- Charles: Nope. Got pneumonia!
- BJ: Now, Father- we understand this ceremony may be against the tenants of your religion
- Potter: (drunk) I didn't know tennis was a religion!
- BJ: Do you, Chuck Emerson Winchester III, take this lovely if gullible young woman as your un-lawful, un-wedded un-wife?
- Charles: I undo.
- BJ: And do you, Donna Marie Parker Winchester the Third, take this pickled amnesiac as your un-lawful, un-wedded, un-hubby?
- Donna Marie: I undo, too.
- BJ: Now with the power invested in me by the state of intoxication, I pronounce you man and woman. You may now ignore the bride.
The Yalu Brick Road
- Rizzo: Hey, Father, can I make a confession?
- Mulcahy: Certainly, Sergeant.
- Rizzo: I murdered somebody...tomorrow.
- Klinger: C'mon, I'm trying to help!
- Rizzo: You wanna help? Die on your own.
- (Hawkeye, BJ and "Ralph" are walking back to the 4077th because BJ crashed their jeep. They encounter a Korean man trapped underneath a hay wagon.)
- Hawkeye: Allow me to introduce ourselves. That's Ralph, I'm Pierce, and this is Hunnicutt; you probably know each other from driving school.
- Hawkeye: We're 3 1/2 minutes over! Damn it!!
- BJ: Maybe the hypothermia bought us some time.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, on the other hand, maybe it didn't.
- BJ: Hawk, we saved his life.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, well I guess that's something.
- BJ: It's more than something, it's everything.
- (The patient is wiggling his toes, proving he's not paralyzed. Hawkeye, BJ, and Margaret jump for joy. A blood-drained Charles rests nearby)
- Margaret: WE DID IT! WE DID IT! Do you know what we DID?!
- BJ: We made a man who's part George and part Harold!
- Charles: And part Winchester.
- Hawkeye: That's right! When he wakes up, he won't know whether to be brave, generous, or pompous!
Dear Uncle Abdul
- Klinger: Holy Toledo! (to Charles) Major, either that bird hit a landmine, or you just shot down a kamikaze pigeon!
- [Hawkeye and BJ ask Klinger who he thinks is the funniest guy in the camp.]
- Klinger: It's no contest: neither one of you. You guys don't even make the first cut. I'm trying to tell my uncle what kind of a place I work in: doctors, nurses saving lives. Well, I got a commanding officer who dresses me up in his clothes and sits me on a horse named Sophie so he can paint his own picture. There's a priest writing war ditties, and a snooty Major who pays me twenty bucks to follow him out in the woods and watch him blow up a pigeon with a landmine. And if that doesn't do it for ya, I got a head nurse who shoots unarmed luggage. All you two guys do is walk around all day telling jokes. What the hell's so funny about that? [returns to writing his letter] Ya see, Unc? It's no wonder I never got a Section Eight; there's nothing special about me. Everybody here is crazy.
- Potter: (about a General) The man graduated 312th out of 320 and he says he's gonna do his best.
- Mulcahy: (after finally receiving his captain's bars) This experience has taught me a valuable lesson. The meek may inherit the earth but it's the grumpy who gets promoted!
Stars and Stripes
- Margaret: I'm just as much a major as any other major. You'll notice these leaves come in gold, not pink for girls and blue for boys.
- Hawkeye: (to Margaret) Maybe you and I are just too choosy. We're both looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world.
Yessir, That's Our Baby
- Charles: I've talked to everyone in the camp - which, by the way, is a first for me - and no one saw or heard a thing. A fact confirmed by our ever-vigilant sentries and their seeing-eye dogs.
- (after it is suggested that he fathered a baby in Korea)
- B.J.: You're lucky we're doctors 'cause I'm gonna break every bone in your body.
- Charles: Well, how would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy dark-haired olive picker?
- Klinger: She did. And for your information, Major, so did my mother and my grandmother, not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is. (Klinger storms out of the office)
- Charles: Did I say something to offend him?
- Charles (Enters Colonel Potter's tent): Colonel it is imperative I get to Boston.
- Potter: Boston, Massachusetts?
- Charles: Yes! Yes. Boston, Massachusetts.
- Potter: Now just hang on to your homburg Winchester. You come barreling into your CO's bunkhouse, bellow at him like a berserk buffalo aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out. How would you like to spend the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?
- Klinger: (afraid of catching mumps) If you get 'em as a kid, you don't get 'em as an adult. But if you get 'em as an adult, you don't get kids. Take that, you little homewreckers!
- (looking at Potter's painting)
- Charles: That is either a horse or the RCA building.
- Potter: It's a horse. I'm about to paint his back end; fortunately, I have a live-in model!
- Charles: Aha! If only your talent matched your callousness!
- Potter: Major go about your business.
- Charles: I have no business.
- Potter: Take a nap.
- Charles: I'm not sleepy!
- Potter: Just listen to yourself yammer. That'll snap those eyelids shut in a flash.
- Newsome: (after walking out of OR and going into the tent): The blood won't come off. No matter what I do it just stays there. See? Never gonna go away. No matter how many times I wash or how much I scrub it's gonna stay there. Where do they come from? What do they expect me to do? I can't. I can't.
- Potter: It's a tragedy people have to eat horses, they're beautiful animals. You ever take a peek at a cow or a pig? They're ugly. We're doing them a favor by eating 'em. Saves 'em the agony of looking at their reflections in the trough every morning. But a horse, that's a noble beast. Why, in the cavalry, a man's steed was his best friend, a real companion. Where do people get off making pork chops out of them? Too much killing in this world, too much death. No respect for people, for tradition, for life. The whole world is spinning down the tubes and nobody even seems to notice. I don't know, I...(breaking off due to the looks of the others)
- (in the lab preparing tetanus shots for the Korean children)
- Hawkeye: OK, ten shots, one every two hours.
- Charles: Ah, a mere twenty hours 'til we are released from the munchkin horde.
- BJ: Charles, have you been hoarding munchkins again?
- Charles: Unworthy of you.
- Potter: You two baboons spoiled a swell movie!
- Hawkeye: No, we didn't! It's been here so long, it's spoiled by itself.
- Everyone: Yeah!
- BJ: I've seen better film forming in my soup.
- Potter: Yeah? Well I happen to think this is a fine piece of celluloid. As a matter of fact, it's mine and Mildred's favorite. Mildred loves Charles Boyer. This is a war, you know! Be grateful that we got a talkie!
- Hawkeye: We are, but don't you think we deserve a little decent entertainment?! God knows everything else around here stinks!
- Potter (sarcastically): Evening Captains Heckle and Jeckle, I would have been here sooner but I stopped to watch the dancing in the streets.
Lend a Hand
- (discussing a surprise birthday party for Hawkeye in the Swamp)
- Charles: What about we do something civilized?
- Klinger: Like what?
- Charles: Like sipping sherry while musicians play a string trio by Franz Josef Haydn. Or perhaps, someone with a trained voice could read selections from Edna St. Vincent Millay.
- Margaret: This is for Pierce?
- BJ: Oh he'd love it once we got him tied to the chair.
- Klinger: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. I don't wanna be entertained by somebody with three names unless it's Gypsy Rose Lee.
- Charles: This cultural commentary is brought to you by Maxwell "Swinish" Klinger.
- Klinger: Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it. Imagine if you will the world's biggest salami.
- Charles: We don't have to imagine it, Klinger, we're looking at it.
Goodbye, Cruel World
- Hawkeye: I think our job might be a little easier than yours, Sidney. At least we can always see where they're bleeding.
- Potter: Now why the devil would I scribble my John Hancock 47 times?
- Klinger: Ah, you were sleepwalking sir. I didn't want to wake you. I thought it might be dangerous.
- Potter: Probably would've been. Thanks for clearing that up for me Corporal. By the way...you put too much swoop on the T.
- Potter: Have yourself a nice long rest and be back here in twelve minutes.
- (Falling asleep, after Garvey has refused to send him any ambulances)
- Potter: I'm too old for this. I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.
[The 4077th is overcrowded because a young lieutenant at Battalion refuses to send vehicles to transport some of the patients to the 8063rd, fearing he will have to account for the cost if they get destroyed. Col. Potter gets a patient, who happens to be a general, to talk to the LT on the phone.]
- General Coogan: (on the phone) Lieutenant, I'm sure you have a sound reason for not sending those ambulances into combat.
- Lt. Garvey: Yes, sir!
- General Coogan: Well, why don't you come down here in the flesh and tell me what it is?
- Lt. Garvey: In the flesh, sir?
- General Coogan: You wouldn't mind that, now, would you, Lieutenant?
- Lt. Garvey: They're on their way to you right now, sir!
- General Coogan: Thank you, Lieutenant...(hangs up phone, to Col. Potter) You see, he'll let us have those ambulances. He just wants to save his caboose!
- Charles (addressing three Korean doctors): Now, my diminutive voyeurs, this is the patient, without whom medicine would be just theory. This is the patient's chest; or in more scientific parlance, the front of the back. If there is no bellybutton in the immediate vicinity, you've committed a rather serious faux pas.
- (Father Mulcahy comes into the company clerk's office wearing a dress)
- Mulcahy: Sir, I must protest the rash of mindless pranks being perpetrated around here!
- Potter: Well, good morning Padre, or should I say, Padress.
- Mulcahy: Colonel, there's no humor in this. While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this.... this.... housefrock!
- Klinger: Better not take it off, Father. You'll be a defrocked priest!
- Mulcahy: Klinger, how would you like the last rites? And a few lefts?
- Rizzo: The Army is a breeze, once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.
- Klinger: What is it?
- Rizzo: Never smile.
- Klinger: Huh?
- Rizzo: The Army hates to see a man grin. Makes them think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you to your lonesome; long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.
The Best of Enemies
- Potter: (after Margaret tells Charles that Potter ordered her to play with him) Confucius say: "A bird on the collar beats your fifty dollar."
- Hawkeye: (passing out letters) Here's one in crayon, must be for Charles.
- Charles: I have no need to write letters to communicate with children. I have you for that, Pierce.
- Hawkeye: That is an insult and you'll answer for it at recess.
- BJ: (reading from a letter) "Dear Doctors, You live a great life, I am jealous of you."
- Charles: Je- He what?! Jealous.
- BJ: (still reading) "You guys get to camp out every night, eat real Army food, boy you're lucky."
- Charles: I... just... Give me that! (takes the letter) Get to camp out, eh? (writing) "My dear diminutive correspondent, Your misinformation is exceeded only by your ahhh-trocious grammar.
- BJ: Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.
- Hawkeye: You are great with scissors (talking to Bill the lawyer), you could be a doctor or a barber.
- Margaret: This is so unprofessional, I really must object.
- BJ: Objection overruled.
- Hawkeye: Relax Margaret. The lawyer is only here on a trial basis.
- BJ: Haven't you ever heard of anyone ever practicing medicine?
- Hawkeye: And besides, the case is closed and the patient rests.
- BJ: OR is now adjourned. (Hits an emesis basin with a hammer)
- Charles: (answering letter) "Dear Virginia, It is with indescribable joy that I accept your gift. It is indeed testimony to the beauty that exists in all creation, but perhaps nowhere more than in a young girl's heart."
- Hawkeye: (answering a letter after operating on a young girl): "Ronnie, it's not a good idea to take the love you had for your brother and turn it into hate. Hate makes war, and war is what killed him. I understand your feelings. Sometimes I hate myself for being here. But once in a while, in the midst of this insanity, a very small event can make my being here seem almost bearable. I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, Ronnie, except to suggest that you look for good wherever you can find it."
- Klinger: Hey, how come you got the easy job while we had to bust our buns?
- Charles: Very well, Klinger. How do you spell "caution"?
- Klinger: C-A-W...
- Charles: I rest my case. When I have this sign finished, I'll hang one on this door, then I have to walk all the way around and put one on the other door.
- Klinger: K-A-W...?
- Hawkeye: Now you've got it.
- Charles: My good man, I have better things to do than stand around listening to someone make no sense in two languages.
- BJ: We can throw a surprise party in the mess tent. That's the last place anybody would expect to find food.
- Col. Potter: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how much Margaret means to us. We couldn't run this place without her.
- Al Houlihan: Well, that gal is the best thing that ever happened to me.
- Col. Potter: Is that so? Well, you sure have a funny way of showing it.
- Al Houlihan: I beg your pardon?
- Col. Potter: Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn!
- Al Houlihan: Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is that of yours?
- Col. Potter: It is my business because I care about her. That gal seems to think you have no use for her.
- Al Houlihan: Well, I flew halfway around the world to see her, didn't I? That should say it all.
- Col. Potter: It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.
- Al Houlihan: What do you mean by that?
- Col. Potter: Well, for openers, walking out on her in the middle of O.R. didn't exactly boost her morale.
- Al Houlihan: That had nothing to do with Margaret!
- Col. Potter: Really? Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? (Alvin looks up) Let me tell you something, Alvin. I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it!
- Al Houlihan: It shouldn't be happening to me.
- Col. Potter: You mean, you'd sooner let her think she was a failure than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us?
- Al Houlihan: Colonel...
- Col. Potter: You're so busy being 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her?
- Al Houlihan: Colonel, you raise your family and I'll raise mine.
Death Takes a Holiday
- Charles: (after a Korean orphange headmaster confesses to selling Charles' gifts of chocolate bars on the black market to buy food for the orphans) No, it is I who should apologize. It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who has had no meal.
- Margaret: It never fails to astonish me. You're alive, you're dead. No drums, no flashing lights, no fanfare. You're just dead.
A War For All Seasons
- Charles: Oh yes. In the springtime a young dolt's fancy turns to baseball where one can sit and munch red hots and crackerjacks and watch eighteen hillbillies in knickers run around in circles and spit tobacco chaws on one another.
- (after Charles expresses interest in backing Klinger financially in baseball wagers)
- Hawkeye: (laughing) Charles. You want to get part of this? You, the man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond?
Your Retention Please
- Potter: OK, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker, or a guffaw, from anyone.
- Hawkeye: You hear that, Charles?
- Potter: The subject of this meeting is... the Army. (pause) So far so good. I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
- (Hawkeye, Charles, and BJ begin laughing)
- Charles: Army... Career...
- Hawkeye: I'm sorry; if I held that in, my teeth would have exploded.
- BJ: Come on, you gotta be kidding.
- Charles: Gentlemen please it's impolite to laugh at the senile.
- Potter: What'd he say?
- BJ: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
- Klinger: Now the army is my best friend... I may get shot in the stomach... but I won't get stabbed in the back.
Tell it To the Marines
- Hawkeye: And then this harebrained colonel, whose crew cut I could HEAR, had the nerve to hang up on me. Well, that's when I REALLY told him off.
- Hawkeye: Klinger, come with me.
- Charles: Klinger, you will do no such thing.
- Hawkeye: I am trying to help that Marine and I need Klinger.
- Charles: Oh, very well, you may have him. Have him back in an hour, though.
- Klinger: My God, I've been traded.
- Hawkeye: Thanks for the lovely peasant.
Taking the Fifth
- BJ: Hawk, I never thought I'd use this word in a negative manner, but you're depraved.
- Hawkeye: Well what do you expect? I come from the land of the free and the home of depraved.
- BJ: No self-respecting nurse is going to have anything to do with that [ad].
- Hawkeye: That's what I'm counting on.
- (Charles is in the shower)
- Klinger: So O Great Girth One, do you still want that valuable wine?
- Charles: Do I still have a palate?
- Klinger: I don't know and I'm not about to peek. I can get you five bottles, it'll run you forty per.
- Charles: For--! My last offer was thirty.
- Klinger: Consider it a cost of dying increase.
- Charles: I smell the distinct odor of profiteering.
- Klinger: Try a little more soap.
- Charles: But I also smell the delicate bouquet of a '37 Bordeaux. You're taking advantage of me. You know I'm an eonophile.
- Klinger: Hey talk like that in the shower makes me nervous. Now do you want it or don't you?
- Charles: Unfortunately I am at a disadvantaged position. You have me drinking out of the palm of your hand.
- (Hawkeye and BJ in the Mess Tent)
- Hawkeye: Well Beej what do you think this is? (shows him letters)
- BJ: You've been drafted.
- Hawkeye: They're greetings all right from three nurses with no ounce of self respect. One of whom is in striking distance of sharing a delicious Bordeaux.
- BJ: And a tasteless Pierce.
- Hawkeye: Get your water ready. This might set the tent on fire. (reads first letter) "Dear Hawkeye, I think your contest is a wonderful idea. I really love good wine and I think it would be fun to share a few belts with you. Signed, Chastity."
- BJ: That one came with its own cold water.
- Hawkeye: Send that one to the dead letter office. (reads second letter) "Dear Hawkeye, Bordeaux is one of my favorite wines, along with Maneschevitz. (BJ laughs at remark) During a happier time my husband and I used to share many a bottle back in the states. Drinking this with you would bring back fond memories. Signed, Very Married."
- BJ: All you get there is a swig and a missus.
- Hawkeye: What is this world coming to? Everywhere I look morality.
- BJ: Read on rebuffed.
- Hawkeye: My heart is not in this anymore. (reads third letter) "Dear Hawkeye, I find you an incredibly exciting and vibrant man." I just had a rush of blood to my ego. "Your contest sounds like the perfect appetizer to a wonderfully intimate main course. I must admit wine does make me a little crazy but I'm sure it's nothing you can't handle." Oh this is a sick woman. "I hope you pick me Hawkeye. I have always thought you were all man. Every time you look in my eyes I turn to jelly. Signed, Sweet Preserves."
- BJ: To think that that nurse is responsible for human lives.
- Hawkeye: Home run. Turned her to jelly. What do you think is the look that jars her. Do you think it's my :Rudolph Valentino:? Maybe it's the boy next door.
- Hawkeye: Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over fifty percent of his body; he broke his nose.
- (discussing Dr. Traeger)
- Hawkeye: Do you believe this guy?
- BJ: If you're that obnoxious, you better be good.
- Hawkeye: And, damn it, he is, but he's still a jackass.
- BJ: (laughing) I know what I should've done.
- Hawkeye: What?
- BJ: Could've really showed him.
- Hawkeye: What? What?
- BJ: Should've died, right there on the table.
- Hawkeye: Wouldn't we have had the last laugh?
- BJ: Well, you would.
- Hawkeye: Well, yeah.
- Hawkeye: His gut looks like a jigsaw puzzle and I think a couple of the pieces are missing.
- Charles: Carbon paper in the safe, what brilliant foresight. In only two million years, it will turn into diamonds.
- Klinger: Facetious, but erroneous.
- Charles: I am sorry to wake you sir but I am in the direst of straits.
- Potter: (Still asleep but being led to his office) Straight. My full house beats that.
- Hawkeye: Margaret, how many times do I have to tell you there are no communists under these beds.
- BJ: Of course not, they're in the Lenin closet.
- Klinger: Surely Madame knows of my sincere sincerity? To me the words Houlihan and hubba hubba have always been synonymous. You are a vision of great loveliness even dripping as you are.
- Margaret: If there's a point to this, get to it.
- Klinger: I've unanimously chosen you to be the beauty editor of my paper.
- Margaret: Your paper what?
- Klinger: Paper news. "M*A*S*H Notes." Read it at your leisure and imagine how much better it would be with your very own beauty column: "About Faces."
- Margaret: That's cute.
No Laughing Matter
- Charles: Colonel, what's the point in bearing a grudge?
- Potter: Glad to see you using some common sense.
- Charles: What possible benefit could I derive from becoming angry over the impending arrival of the cretin that banished me to this flea hatchery?
- Potter: You are using common sense, aren't you?
- Charles: Just because I was forced to surrender the delights of Tokyo, where I could indulge in kabuki, and octopus.
- Potter: Winchester, you're letting that goat of yours get got again.
- Charles: Have you ever savored the epicurean delight of fresh octopus?
- Potter: I don't care for any food that hangs onto the plate when you pick it up.
- Charles: The injustice of it all to banish me to this vermin preserve just to avoid paying the 600 dollars he lost to me in a cribbage game. Ergo when he arrives I shall perform surgery on the first organ that presents itself.
- Potter: Major I got a hospital to run and I don't want Baldwin in it.
- Charles: Oh sir this might be the only chance I have to savor the sweet fruit of revenge. I swear by all that is holy on Beacon Hill, I shall get even.
- Potter: Major, ten-hut! I need a volunteer to stay away from Baldwin and your it! (Charles tries to argue) About face! Forward Skedaddle!
- Charles: The last laugh has yet to be laughed Colonel.
- Potter: Major, you were kind, courteous, and every bit the gentlemen. What do you have up your sleeve?
- BJ: Perhaps a gun. Does a Winchester carry a Deringer?
- Hawkeye: It seems unlikely.
Oh, How We Danced
- Charles: (dictating his will into his tape recorder) The morning air is crisp and still. In mere moments, I embark on a military mission which may mark my final hours on this planet. Therefore I leave you with these few parting thoughts. To my dear father, I grant you power of attorney, for the disposition of all my real estate. To my devoted mother, I bestow upon you my proxy with the single proviso that it never be used to vote for Cousin Alfred. To my gentle sister Honoria, I bequeath my butterfly collection. I know you probably don't want it, but Cousin Alfred does. Farewell Cape Cod, farewell Harvard Yard, farewell baked scrod.
- (BJ and Hawkeye enter the tent applauding)
- BJ: Bravo, bravo.
- Charles: Anthropoid boors.
- BJ: What a touching farewell to Cod, Yard, and scrod.
- B.J.: We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot, and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
- Charles: Hunnicutt, go hurt yourself.
- Charles: (addressing the mess tent) Ladies and gentlemen, we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin with his compulsive need to amuse; so I say to you, do not condemn the pathetic clown but rather, pity him.
- Everyone: (applauding) Yeah!
- Klinger: (looking for pants for Charles) Let's see, about a 42 extra pompous.
The Red/White Blues
- Margaret: All right, now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.
- Charles: Well, I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.
- Margaret: Well, look under P.
- Charles: Post-op under P? That is the one place I know it won't be. We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another homo sapien; the last ones I found were under G, for "Getting Better."
- Margaret: Just what do you suggest we do?
- Charles: Burn the damn place down and take a tax loss.
- BJ: We discovered a new medical procedure. Take no pills and call me in the morning.
Bless You, Hawkeye
- Hawkeye: Maybe I'm allergic to Charles; stuffiness makes me sneeze.
- Charles: Arsenic will solve your problems, Pierce. I know it will solve mine.
- Mulcahy: I wish you'd given me this two-day notice a couple of weeks ago.
- Mulcahy: Look at this place, it's a den of iniquity.
- Charles: Ah, don't think of it as a den, Father, think of it more as a rec room.
- Hawkeye: (drinking coffee) I'm sorry Father. I don't really feel much like talking. I just had to tell a patient he has leukemia.
- Mulcahy: Good heavens. That must have been very difficult for you.
- Hawkeye: I didn't want to tell him but he wouldn't let me off the hook. I'm a doctor, a guy looks to me for answers and the only thing I can say is that you have this incurable disease and there is nothing I can do about it. Can't blame this on the war. Can't blame it on anything.
- Mulcahy: Especially yourself.
The Foresight Saga
(after Potter finishes reading Radar's letter)
- Hot Lips: That's very sweet.
- Hawkeye: Little twerp, just when I've gotten over him.
- BJ: How about that. Our old buddy is a tycoon in the making.
- Charles: Indeed. Today Ottumwa. Tomorrow Keokuk
- Klinger: (After breaking Potter's glasses) We just shared a moment of great warmth. I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.
The Life You Save
- Soldier: Am I all right? I can't feel anything in my legs.
- Charles: Try to hang on. We're going to get you to a MASH unit and they'll patch you up just fine.
- Soldier: I don't know if I can, Doc. I feel real weird.
- Charles: Just stay with it.
- Soldier: Doc?
- Charles: Hm?
- Soldier: You still there?
- Charles: Sure.
- Soldier: I can't see you, hold my hand.
- Charles: I am holding it.
- Soldier: I can't feel it. Oh God, I'm gonna die.
- Charles: Can you hear me?
- Soldier: Yes.
- Charles (crying): What is happening to you? Can you feel anything? See anything? Please, I have to know. What is happening to you?
- Soldier: I smell bread.
- Charles: I don't understand.
- (soldier dies)
That's Show Biz
- Margaret: How do you manage to keep it [hair] so beautiful?
- Brandy Doyle: Oh, simple...I give it the night off. (takes off her wig)
- Charles: No offense, Miss Carlyle, but I've always been of the opinion that squeezing is a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.
- Mulcahy: My Hebrew is a little rusty, but it gets the point across.
- Colonel Potter: I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich.
Rumor at the Top
- Klinger: Well, as my Uncle Amos used to say, "Those who can't, manage those who can." One of his employees made that up for him.
- Mulcahy: I'd have to confess to myself, and I can be very harsh.
Give 'em Hell, Hawkeye
- Hawkeye: (writing a letter to President Truman) If you end this fiasco right now, I pledge to purchase all your daughter's inimitable records. Don't bother to deliver them. I'd love to pick them up on my way home.
- (wounded soldiers are being brought into camp)
- PA Announcer: Attention all personnel! Quit your dreaming, it's time for the nightmare!
Wheelers and Dealers
- Potter: Grandma Mavis has a saying for everything. No wonder Grandpa Wilmer stomped on his hearing aid.
- Rizzo: Now you gentlemens are new to the Army, or in other words, dumb. When you leave here, you will know this jeep like it was a kissin' cousin, and you will know the rules of the road so good that when you're dead, you will still qualify for a license.
- Charles (over the PA): Attention all vermin - that's giving you the benefit of the doubt - I have just discovered the untimely disappearance of my May 5 issue of The Boston Globe which has obviously been pilfered by some member of the pernicious race of lowlife which infests this pigmire. Furthermore, I consider no one in this camp above suspicion with the possible exception of that 80% of you who are incapable of reading the English language. Thus, I retract my previous magnanimous offer and none of you cretins will lay one slimy paw on any of my papers until the missing issue is returned! Thank you.
- (to Charles as everyone leaves the mess tent after Charles enters)
- Margaret: Help yourself to some breakfast before us lowlifes steal it all.
- Mulcahy: Hell hath no fury like pernicious vermin scorned.
- BJ: Charles, you just put a whole shoe store in your mouth.
- Potter: Winchester, just a hunch: Will Rogers never met you, did he?
Snap Judgment (Part 1)
- Klinger: Rosie, I need a favor.
- Rosie: Five dollars.
- Klinger: I just wanna talk.
- Rosie: OK, three dollars.
- Charles: In order to have a criminal mentality, one must first have a mentality.
Snappier Judgment (Part 2)
- Charles: Charles Emerson Winchester, defender of the downtrodden.
- Hawkeye: You do all the trodding, that's how they got down.
- Hawkeye: (about Charles) He's the only American who landed in Inchon with traveler's checks.
Twas the Day After Christmas
- Sergeant Pernelli: Last call for my mouthwatering turkey.
- Charles: The bird that gave its life so that others might be ill.
- Charles: A Winchester only recognizes one 5:30 per day. This is not it.
Follies of the Living - Concerns of the Dead
- Klinger (talking to a post): Colonel Potter, I'd like to help in triage, sir. I'm a little shaky, but while I have any strength at all, I'd like to pitch in. (referring to a dog) OK! let's get this patient into pre-op! Hubba-hubba! Orderly!
- (BJ, Charles, and Hawkeye drinking in the Swamp)
- Hawkeye: All right, what else do we love?
- BJ: You love dirt?
- Hawkeye: Dirt is my life.
- BJ: All right. To dirt.
- Hawkeye: And to the Army that lets us eat it, drink it, breathe it, and salute it.
The Birthday Girls
- Potter: Sorry to break up this pow-wow, boys, but Bossie says it's time to call the cab.
- Hawkeye: You get her up on the table and I'll hold her hand.
- BJ: Does anyone know where I can find a cigar that says, "It's a heifer"?
- Potter: You coming, Winchester? I bet a city fella like you hasn't had a chance to see this before.
- Charles: I've also never had the opportunity to swim in a barrel of live squid.
Blood and Guts
- Potter: Yes, I know I didn't sign the morning reports.
- Klinger: Sir, it would be easier to remember to sign the reports instead of remembering you didn't sign them.
- Potter: I'll remember that.
- Potter: I'll bet you'd love a good breakfast.
- Clayton Kibbee: I sure would, but I'll settle for what you folks eat.
A Holy Mess
- Hawkeye: Eggs? In Korea? Impossible, Korean chickens only lay powder.
- BJ: You know how I like mine? Fried up, so the yolk is a glowing yellow jewel in a shimmering alabaster white.
- Hawkeye: You'd better have your eggs with a cold shower.
The Tooth Shall Set You Free
- (Charles moans of a toothache)
- Hawkeye: Beej, don't forget, in the morning it's your turn to milk Charles.
- Charles: (pointing to a bowl of green vegetables) What does this cure?
- Korean: Hunger. That's my dinner.
- Potter: (Barking an order to Winchester to eat some ice cream) Present...SPOON!
- PA Announcement: Attention! The Chinese have begun a new offensive. Command anticipate heavy casualties within the next twenty-four hours. This is a recording.
- Sidney: Major.
- Charles: Hiya.
- Sidney: First time I've seen you in your summer uniform.
- Charles: This is the real me.
- Sidney: Sorry to hear that.
- Potter: Every month there's a new procedure we have to learn because somebody's come up with an even better way to mutilate the human body! Tell me this, Captain: how the hell am I supposed to keep up with it?!
- Captain: I'm only...
- Potter: If they can invent better ways to kill each other, why can't they invent a way to end this stupid war?!!
Where There's A Will, There's A War
- Potter: (during a long OR session) I was transferred here seven days ago; seems like I've been operating for eight.
- (BJ shouts for joy)
- Potter: Watch the racket, Hunnicutt. This hospital is in a hospital zone.
- BJ: Hawkeye Pierce is alive and well and living at battalion aid.
- Potter: How do you know that?
- BJ: He left his fingerprints are all over this guy.
- Klinger: What are you talking about?
- BJ: Who else but Hawkeye sews vertical mattress stitches with white cotton sutures?
- Surgeon at Battalion Aid: Did you finish your will?
- Hawkeye: All except my best friend. Wait, how did you know it was my will?
- Surgeon at Battalion Aid: I've seen a lot of those written here.
- Klinger: Captain. You really are alive.
- Hawkeye: Nah, that's just a vicious rumor.
- Klinger: What are you working on?
- Hawkeye: Just... catching up on some overdue paperwork (his will).
- Klinger: Get some sleep! If there's one thing I've learned from being company clerk, there's no paperwork that can't wait until tomorrow.
- Hawkeye: That's what I used to think.
- Charles: Ah, even in the sewer the cream rises to the top.
- BJ: You're the one who wanted to turn a guy down because he had a Z in his name.
- Reporter: EEG?
- Hawkeye: Yeah, electroencephalogram.
- Reporter: How do you spell that?
- Hawkeye: I personally spell it EEG.
- Klinger: (seeing that the press has taken over his office) Speaking of drawers and sheets, I was hoping to strip down to one and slip between the other.
Sons and Bowlers
- Hawkeye: Charles, one of the things I've always liked about our relationship is we never let sympathy get in the way.
- Hawkeye: Dad and I are too close to let this all suddenly end with silence 12,000 miles apart.
- Charles: Pierce, you should be grateful that only distance is separating you. My father and I have been 12,000 miles apart in the same room. The most intimate and personal communication at the Winchester household took place at the evening meal. Every night promptly at 7:15, we would gather at the dinner table. The soup would be served, and my father would begin with, "tell us what you did today, Charles." As the elder of the two children, I was given the privilege of speaking first. I would then have until the salad to report the highlights of my day. Even now, the sight of lettuce makes me talk faster. I always assumed that's how it was in every family. But when I see the warmth, closeness, the fun of your relationship. My father's a good man. He always wanted the best of me. But where I have a father, you have a dad.
- BJ: (about Charles) I'll bet he has the largest record collection in all of Korea. Maybe all of Asia. Probably the world. You know, you'd think a guy with that many records wouldn't have a chance to play them all, but he does. It can be done if you have your phonograph on for every minute of every day. And night! But I like it!
- Potter: I just wonder if I'm getting what this painting is really all about: the camaraderie, the affection we have for each other. Oh, I'm getting the bodies all right, but I wonder if I'm getting the souls. Maybe I bit off more than I can chew.
- Klinger: Uh, I have to go sir. (he leaves)
- Potter: Of course son. You know, you people have been closer than kinfolk to me, you make it almost bearable being over here.
- Margaret: Excuse me sir please. (she leaves)
- Potter: Surely. In a way, this painting is a way of sharing my Korean family with my family back home.
- Mulcahy: Of course. Of course. (he leaves leaving Potter at a table by himself)
- Potter: It ain't easy telling people how close you are to 'em when they aren't here.
That Darn Kid
- Hawkeye: That does it, when this war is over I'm going home.
- Hawkeye: This must be the tent that made Milwaukee famous.
Hey, Look Me Over
- Hawkeye: I'll make you a deal: I fix the autoclave. I go.
- Margaret: Fine.
- Hawkeye: Ok. Fine. Fine. Very simple. The hinge is bent, that's all. Takes three seconds.
- Margaret: Uh-huh.
- Hawkeye: One (hits it), two (hits it again), three...(hits it and the door falls off)
- Margaret: Well I did everything I could and I'd do the same thing all over again. There is no reason to put myself and everybody else through hell to satisfy some crazy notion that good is never good enough.
- Margaret: Maj. Winchester what is that?
- Charles: That is a floor which astonishingly enough I am sweeping.
- Margaret: Plaster will not be sweeped off the floor. It has to be scrapped off with a razor.
- Charles: Winchesters do not shave floors.
- Margaret: Do Winchesters heal quickly?
Trick or Treatment
- Klinger: The Piranhas [Marines] have landed at Rosie's, and already we've got their first casualty!
- Hawkeye: Uh, sorry, I don't remove tattoos.
- Klinger: How about billiard balls?
- BJ: What?!
- Klinger: A Marine got one stuck on his head.
- BJ: Now, that must have been some shot.
- Hawkeye: Can he breathe?
- Klinger: Oh yeah, he's fine; you need a bazooka to kill these guys. He bet someone that he could put a pool ball in his mouth and then take it out.
- BJ: Well, he was half right.
- Hawkeye: The way I see it, the Army owes us so many coffee breaks, we should get 1954 off.
- Major Reddish: It's been getting harder and harder to sell this war to the folks back home.
- Hawkeye: Well, that's what happens when you spend everything on weapons and nothing on advertising.
- Major Reddish: Right.
- Major Reddish: I refuse to lie.
- BJ: And you call yourself a PR man.
- Major Reddish: I'm a soldier first. I won't lie without orders.
The Joker is Wild
- Hawkeye: Trapper was a man ahead of his time. Right, Margaret?
- Margaret: He was a ridiculous, juvenile child.
- Hawkeye: See?
- Charles: Hunnicutt, if there is a God, there will be a time in your life when you are in dire straits and in desperate need of a wealthy, influential friend. When that time comes, I pray you will turn to me so I can laugh in your face.
- BJ: One sure test of good oatmeal is that you can't fill your fountain pen with it.
- Mulcahy: What the oatmeal lacks in solidity, the coffee more than makes up for.
- Hawkeye: When you haven't had much sleep, there's nothing like a good cup of coffee that you can really sink your teeth into.
- Charles: Now, can we get on with this? I have some meaningless trivial business that is far more important.
- Klinger: OK. I didn't want to take any chances so I hid our little product in a clever place. This is it. (holds up a hula hoop)
- Charles: My word, you have invented the circle!
- Klinger: Hey, guys. Did you know that Ted Williams is going home? I heard the Red Sox paid fifty thousand bucks to get him out of the Marines.
- Charles: Boy, that's not what I heard. I heard it was seventy-five thousand and they sold Babe Ruth to the Navy.
- BJ: We sit around here in our Hawaiian shirts and red suspenders, thumbing our nose at the Army, drinking home brewed gin and flouting authority at every turn, and feeling, oh, so superior to those military fools who kill each other and oh so self-righteous when we clean up after them. Well, good luck to you pal. I hope you can...keep it up. The minute I cut that rope, they made me a soldier.
- (in Father Mulcahy's tent planning a mortgage burning party for Colonel Potter)
- Margaret: I think a party with a theme would be really cute.
- Charles: Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage, let him ignite it and go on about our business?
- BJ: There's an exciting theme: apathy. What time shouldn't we be here?
- Klinger: Aw, come on, Major. Didn't your folks do something special when they got their first house?
- Charles: Yes. Yes they did. They fired the entire staff.
- Hawkeye: All right. Look, just for the sake of your sanity, I'll tell you this much. Mildred wants to surprise you.
- Potter: Surprise me?
- Hawkeye: Yeah.
- Potter: It ain't my birthday. That was last month. It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day. I picked it so I'd never forget it.
- BJ: Relax, you're gonna love it.
- Potter: That's the same thing she said when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson. Never felt safe getting in that car without a whip and a chair.
The Moon is Not Blue
- Charles: (entering the Swamp) Gentlemen.
- BJ: Quiet, Charles, I'm looking for the liquor ads.
- Hawkeye: I thought you went to see Sahara tonight.
- Charles: Indeed I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke which was about two seconds after I ripped it from the projector. And I would have been here sooner but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.
- BJ: Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this. (reading from newspaper) Blue movie banned in Boston.
- Hawkeye: What?
- BJ: "The Moon Is Blue, starring David Niven, William Holden, and Maggie McNamara has been banned from local theaters due to its suggestive nature."
- Hawkeye: Philistines. They said the same thing about Babette Meets the Fleet.
- Charles: Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos, bear in mind: Boston would have banned Pinocchio.
Run for the Money
- Klinger: Captains, I've been adding up some numbers.
- BJ: Well, you'd better sit down, your fingers must be exhausted.
- (after Margaret bets another week's pay for herself, Hawkeye and BJ)
- Hawkeye: I can't believe what we're doing. Or how many times we're doing it.
- Margaret: What's the matter?
- Hawkeye: What's the matter?!
- BJ: What's the matter?! If Mulcahy loses, we're out two weeks' pay!
- Hawkeye: Each!
- Margaret: You men. You always worry about little things.
- Charles: (To Captain Sweeney, CO of the stuttering Private Palmer) Captain Sweeney, if you say one more unkind word to Private Palmer, I will personally write a report detailing your inhumanity, and I will have it placed in your 201 file, where it will follow you for the rest of your career.
- Capt. Sweeney: But Major, that-
- Charles: IS THAT CLEAR?
- Capt. Sweeney: Yes, sir.
U.N., the Night and the Music
- Margaret: Oh, Sweden! Oh, I've always wanted to visit Sweden. I hear the scenery is so... tall.
- Hawkeye: Why fight it? I might as well go crazy and be inconspicuous!
- Charles: I'm afraid there is the possibility—slim though it be—that I...snore.
- Mulcahy: Snore. Oh. Good heavens, Major. What...courage it took to admit that.
- Charles: Well, Father, I'm afraid you don't understand. See, all my life I've harbored a secret dread that I may not be worthy of my name, that I may not good enough to be a Winchester. What if all this malarkey is true, that I do...snore like a common factory worker. What if that's just the tip of the iceberg? What if there are even more vulgar traits lurking just underneath the surface? Today...snoring. Tomorrow, sitting in front of a TV with a cold brew watching roller derby. What if—perish the thought—I am actually the same as everybody else? I couldn't live with that.
- Mulcahy: Speaking as one whose ancestors were factory workers and who like roller derby and a good brew, do I understand you to say that if you can't be better that me, then there's no point in living?
- Charles: Well, don't take it personally, Father.
- Mulcahy: Why should I take it personally? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I was thrown out of the seminary dorm for snoring?
- Charles: Uh...
- Mulcahy: The truth of the matter is you're not superior to any of us whether you snore or not.
- Charles: Shh!
- Mulcahy: And at times like this, I'm not even sure you're equal.
Say No More
- Mulcahy: Good morning, Major. If you don't mind me saying so, hubba hubba.
- Margaret: (voice hoarse due to laryngitis) Charles. (bangs table when he ignores her)
- Charles: Well, Margaret. Can't you just say good morning as civilized people do?
- Margaret: (grunting and miming)
- Charles: It is not my idea of breakfast fun to play charades.
- Margaret: (more grunting)
- Mulcahy: Uh, Doctor, I believe you are being paged.
- Margaret: (more grunting and miming)
- Charles: May I at least finish my Wheaties? (Margaret drags him out of the mess tent) Margaret, what is wrong?
- Margaret: (hoarse) Please send telegram. (writing on note pad)
- Charles: Well why not. I'm often mistaken for a little Western Union boy. (reading note) "Dr. Chesler, must cancel. Very sorry. Perhaps another time." Another time? The man's leaving for the States tomorrow.
- Margaret: Not fair to patients or staff. Can't work like this. Another three days — I can't go.
- Charles: I must say I admire your dedication. I'll send this off immediately if that's what you really want. Yes? (leaving post-op bellowing) Telegram for Dr. Chesler. Oh, telegram for Dr. Chesler.
Friends and Enemies
- Margaret: I got some 3-0 silk for you Dr. Winchester. I noticed you were running low.
- Charles: I shall always cherish this moment.
- Margaret: Well, Charles, what are friends for?
- Charles: Friends? If pressed, I would say that you and I coexist. Now can we skip ahead to the inevitable small favor that you are going to ask?
- Margaret: Well, now that you mention it, I got this new record player and I don't have anything to play on it.
- Charles: I do. And you still don't.
- Charles: If I don't find a way to hear some music soon, I'm gonna lose what is left of my mind.
- BJ: Why don't you ask Margaret to let you play your records on her new record player?
- Charles: I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat.
- BJ: Maybe you could go over to the O-Club and play 'em on the jukebox. Nobody there this early.
- Charles: That is tantamount to asking Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of Woolworth's.
Give and Take
- Mulcahy: I do believe people are essentially good, but sometimes you have to put them in a half-nelson to get them to cough up.
- Soldier: My boots. All he wanted was my lousy boots. His feet were freezing. I'd have done the same thing. He was just a guy like me, and I shot him and I killed him, for a pair of boots.
- Potter: You know, sometimes I think there should be a rule of war saying you have to see someone up close and get to know him before it's OK to shoot him.
- Soldier: How can I wear these again? How can I ever put on a pair of shoes without thinking of that guy?
[Potter telling Winchester he was charity collection officer]
- Winchester: All I have to do is invert a helmet on the table with a sign saying "Charity. Please contribute."
- Potter: You would have about as much luck as putting a sign next to the oven saying "Hot stove. Please stand on it."
As Time Goes By
- Hawkeye: [about the Army Field Manual] How to Defend Freedom and Democracy Through Unquestioned Obedience.
- BJ: [talking about a fishing lure] I've fished with this a couple of times. Hawk told me it belonged to Colonel Blake. It's for all the men who never made it home.
Goodbye, Farewell and Amen
- Charles: Just a minute! You handle our food and dig latrines?
- Igor: Don't worry, sir. I always wash my hands before I dig the latrines.
- Hawkeye Pierce: She...she killed it!
- Sidney Freedman: She killed the chicken?
- Hawkeye Pierce: Oh my God...OH MY GOD! I didn't mean for her to kill it! I just wanted it to be quiet! It was A BABY! She SMOTHERED HER OWN BABY!
[pauses, calms down]
- Hawkeye Pierce: You son of a bitch, why did you make me remember that?
- Sidney Freedman: You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.
- PA System Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes ago, at 10:01 this morning, the truce was signed in Panmunjon. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now at ten o'clock. THE WAR IS OVER!
- Mulcahy: (to Col. Potter) Well, look on the bright side. When we're told we must do our time in purgatory, we can all say "No thanks. I've done mine."
- Sidney Freedman: (His final exit line, repeating his advice from "O.R") You know I told you people something a long time ago, and it's just as pertinent today as it was then: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
- Col Potter: Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order. Don't forget to have a happy life, too.
- Col. Potter: Well, boys [B. J. and Hawkeye], it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.
- [Last scene of the series]
- Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right. Maybe we will see each other again. But just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you. Whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
- B. J.: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you.
- Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
- B. J.: Or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
- Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
- B. J.: I'll miss you, a lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here. [The two men hug, then Hawkeye boards the helicopter while B. J. mounts his motorcycle, where he shouts over the helicopter] I'll see you back in the States—I promise! But just in case, I left you a note!
- Hawkeye: What?!
- [B. J. rides off. Hawkeye gives the pilot the thumbs-up to take off. As the helicopter ascends, Hawkeye looks down and smiles as he sees a message spelled in stones: GOODBYE]
- Alan Alda as Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce (Seasons 1–11)
- Loretta Swit as Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan (Seasons 1–11)
- Jamie Farr as Maxwell Q. Klinger (Seasons 1–11)
- George Morgan as John Patrick Francis Mulcahy (Pilot Episode)
- William Christopher as John Patrick Francis Mulcahy (Seasons 1–11)
- Wayne Rogers as John Francis Xavier "Trapper John" McIntyre (Seasons 1–3)
- McLean Stevenson as Henry Braymore Blake (Seasons 1–3)
- Larry Linville as Franklin Marion "Frank" Burns (Seasons 1–5)
- Gary Burghoff as Walter Eugene "Radar" O'Reilly (Seasons 1–8)
- Mike Farrell as B. J. Hunnicutt (replaced Trapper; Seasons 4–11)
- Harry Morgan as Sherman Tecumseh Potter (replaced Henry Blake; Seasons 4–11)
- David Ogden Stiers as Charles Emerson Winchester III (replaced Frank Burns; Seasons 6–11)