Metalocalypse (August 6, 2006 to present) is an animated cable television series created by Brendon Small and Tommy Blacha.
- 1 Season 1
- 1.1 The Curse of Dethklok (1.01)
- 1.2 Dethwater (1.02)
- 1.3 Birthdayface (1.03)
- 1.4 Dethtroll (1.04)
- 1.5 Dethkomedy (1.05)
- 1.6 Dethfam (1.06)
- 1.7 Performanceklok (1.07)
- 1.8 Snakes n' Barrels (1.08)
- 1.9 Mordland (1.09)
- 1.10 Fat Kid at the Detharmonic (1.10)
- 1.11 Skwisklok (1.11)
- 1.12 Murdering Outside the Box (1.12)
- 1.13 Go Forth and Die (1.13)
- 1.14 Bluesklok (1.14)
- 1.15 Religionklok (1.15)
- 1.16 Dethkids (1.16)
- 1.17 Dethclown (1.17)
- 1.18 Girlfriendklok (1.18)
- 1.19 Dethstars (1.19)
- 1.20 The Metalocalypse Has Begun (1.20)
- 2 Season 2
- 2.1 Dethecution (2.1)
- 2.2 Dethlessons (2.02)
- 2.3 Dethvengeance (2.03)
- 2.4 Dethdoubles (2.04)
- 2.5 Dethfashion (2.05)
- 2.6 Cleanzo (2.06)
- 2.7 Deth Wedding (2.07)
- 2.8 P.R. Klok (2.08)
- 2.9 Dethcarraldo (2.09)
- 2.10 Dethgov (2.10)
- 2.11 Dethrace (2.11)
- 2.12 Revengencers (2.12)
- 2.13 Klokblocked (2.13)
- 2.14 Dethsources (2.14)
- 2.15 Dethdad (2.15)
- 2.16 Snakes N Barrels II (Parts 1 and 2) (2.16)
- 2.17 Dethrecord (2.18)
- 2.18 Black Fire Upon Us (2.19)
- 3 Season 3
- 4 Season 4
- 5 Specials
- 6 Band Interviews
- 7 Cast
- 8 External links
The Curse of Dethklok (1.01)
- Pickles: They're trying to tell you that the guy got his face smashed into the hovercraft, that's what they're trying to tell you.
- Jean-Pierre: Yes, I know.
- Toki: And then from the sorrow, FA-TUU! He blow he brain in!
- Skwisgaar: [correcting Toki's grammar] He blow he brain out.
- Toki: Whatever. It make a great album cover.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, all of our chefs, he has died a horrible death. What of thats do you think?
- Jean-Pierre: I would rather have my brain scooped out with a melon-baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.
- [A flock of birds collide with the helicopter.]
- Helicopter Pilot: Sorry, m'lords. Uh, we're chewing through a few thousand doves up here. Don't worry; these rotors'll grind 'em into paste in no time.
- Jean-Pierre: Oh, from the Prime Minister of Norway [presents a wine bottle] There are several cases. The finest wine -
- Nathan: NOOOOOOOO! We never drink before a show! Never! [William pops off the top of the bottle and pours some in a goblet]
- Murderface: Well, I've been drinking all day.
- Toki: [holds up beer can] Me too!
- Skwisgaar: Me too.
- Pickles: [surrounded by beer cans and beer bottles] Me too!
- Nathan: ... Me too.
- Nathan: We are here to make coffee metal. We will make everything metal. Blacker than the blackest black times infinity.
- One-eyed Fan: My eye got torn out, and force-fed to me in a show. DETHKLOK RULES!
- Two-fingered Fan: In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw them up on stage. MURDERFACE ROLLED THEM UP AND SMOKED THEM! [yells into reporter's microphone] MURDERFACE!!!
- Senator Stampingston: As you can see, Dethklok is no laughing matter. They're the world's greatest cultural force. A short time since the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle Batsfjord Massacre Fest, every other coffee company has been obliterated. Completely blown out of the water.
- General Crozier: Freaks.
- Senator Stampingston: These freaks as you call them are currently worth billions. Gentlemen: [echoing opening theme lines] Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree; Toki Wartooth, not a bumble bee; William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface; Pickles, the drummer - doodily-doo, ding-dong doodily, doodily doo; Nathan Explosion. I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.
- Toki: [awed gasp] What's this place called?
- Skwisgaar: This is, I believes, called food libraries.
- [Skwisgaar and Toki practice saying the phrase "Food Library".]
- Pickles: It's called a grocery store, ya douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags. I got... got low blood sugar.
- Nathan: Alright, here's the deal: we have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish. AND DON'T JUST BUY BOOZE! That ain't food!
- Murderface: What do you mean, "booze ain't food?" I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!
- Toki: You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?
- Murderface: Yeah!
- Toki: Wowee!
- Murderface: [reads his shopping list] Hey grandma, is there olives in it?
- Old Lady: In what?
- Murderface: Lemon tart, Wrinkle-tits! Jeezees!
- Old Lady: [shocked gasp]
- Murderface: Good, then it's pee-pee time! [starts urinating on the olives]
- Pickles: Hey chief, this stuff good for soup? [gestures at shopping cart full of booze]
- Worker: ... No -
- Pickles: - Aaaah! That's a yes.
- Toki: [reading from his list] Who is Wall Nuts?
- Skwisgaar: [throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart] Haa, hey Toki; look inside of your basket. Guess why you're in such crappy mood, you have lady's tampons... inside of it... and you buy them for yourself. Go on have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems.
- Toki: You a lady, Skwisgaar!
- Skwisgaar: NO I'M NOT!!!
- Nathan: Price check! Cleanup aisle six! Rotted Body Landslide! And don't forget our special sale on Every Bone Broken Chicken! Hurry! [laughing] Enjoy our tasty Hammer Smashed Face! Aisle three.
- Skiwsgaar: [romantically] Hi.
- Old woman: Hi.
- Skwisgaar: Guess what, you are a GMILF. That is a grandmother that I would like to - [Cut to next scene]
- Pickles: See! What'd I tell you guys? We don't need no chef.
- Nathan: Put in the ingredients into that thing there.
- Toki: Oh no, we leaves all the food at the food place!
- Nathan: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! [Zoom into his mouth and down his throat]
- Murderface: [prodding the remains of the mutilated chef with a stick] Jean-Pierre! Jean-Pierre! Wake up, cook something! Come on! Don't be a dick, be a dude!
- Pickles: By the power of all that is evil, I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich! [wails]
- Skiwsgaar: Dudes, we would, like, have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.
- Toki: Yeah, but we such screw-ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.
- Nathan: Whoa! That's a good song title.
- Pickles the Drummer: Okay wait, before you do anything.
[Pickles turns on news channel explaining the suicides the fans are committing because of the album delays.] [Dissatisfied band frontman Nathan Explosion deletes their sixteenth album recording.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Motherdouchebags! Did it again...
- Toki Wartooth: Dudes, what's wrong with that one? [dejected]
- Pickles: Lemme guess - not "heavy" enough, not "tuned low" enough, not "brutal" enough?
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dudes, we can'ts nots toning down any lower.
- William Murderface: Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be brutal enough for you? Me, being dead?
- Skwisgaar: Somebody shoulds tells Murderface that it's not alsways-ways abouts him.
- Charles Ofdensen: Okay, so you want to re-re-re-re-record in the ocean, in... I see, no problem...
- Nathan Explosion: No, not in the ocean! Inside the ocean.
- Ofdensen: Okay.
- Nathan: In the heaviest, deepest, most brutal part.
- Ofdensen: Alright.
- Nathan: The Mariana TREEEEEEEEEENCH!
- Ofdensen: Well, let me make some calls.
[A few minutes later...]
- Ofdensen: Well, the good news is that they're gonna give you more money to record this album. The bad news is that they're going to send a producer down to work with you, so I hope that -
- Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! [throws model globe off the panel in a fury]
- Nathan: Your guitar's picking up strange sounds!
- Toki: What, dude? I didn't know these pickups were that strong. It picks up the whales saying hello.
[Toki is inside a liquid oxygen isolation submersion chamber, awaiting submersion.]
- Toki: What does this lights mean?
- Officer: He will die without safety briefing.
- Skwisgaar: Hey, I'll take it from here, okay buddy?
- Toki: [the liquid oxygen isolation submersion chamber begins to fill up] Skwisgaar, I think I need that safety briefings.
- Skwisgaar: Oh, really quickly, the reason I come in here was we're all going to order some food. D'you want some?
- Toki: [liquid oxygen gets up to his thigh] I can't think about that now, what are all these buttons flashing?
- Skwisgaar: Start thinking about what you want, because honestly, I'm starting to get hungry -
- Toki: [liquid oxygen is almost to his chest] Anything! Gn-Gnocchi or something! It's filling up!
- Skwisgarr: Okay, I'll write that down. And oh, by the way, don't screw this one up!
- Toki: [liquid oxygen is up to his neck] What is this button, I think I hit it!
- Skwisgaar: I got to get going, see you later. [pulls the eject lever as the liquid oxygen submerges Toki]
- Murderface: Hey guys... nuclear submarine power's out.
- Nathan: Maybe take it easy on those beans, Murderface?
- Pickles: Yeah, I know man, have a little decency. I mean, we're stuck together in a... in a friggin' submarine for...
- Murderface: [drops bucket of beans] Fine, how about I starve to death. How's that? [passes gas] Excuse me! Ugh, these boots are killing my feet! [removes boots, exposing sweaty, smelly feet; passes gas] These feet sti... [vomits all over himself]
- Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler: [submarine door opens] Hi guys. Sooo uh... let's hear this new album.
[ He faints, colliding with the floor, his head beginning to bleed.]
- Murderface: Hey, I have those same shoes.
- Knubbler: Yeah, bear with me dudes. I think I made the trip a little too fast. My... my body's having a little trouble adjusting to the oceanic pressure down here. I'm sure I'll feel a little better once I have some Pop Rocks and Coke. [washes down a handful of Pop Rocks with Coca-Cola and begins to bleeds from nose]
- Nathan: Now shut up and listen to this, Dick. This is metal. For fish.
- Skwisgaar: Fish don't gots no good metal to listens to.
- Murderface: Yeah, it's true.
- Knubbler: Fish, huh?
- Nathan: This one's called Murmaider!
- Murderface: It's about mermaid murder.
[Murmaider plays, shattering Knubbler's glasses.]
- Knubbler: Stop the track! This is amazing! I mean, there must be billions of fish out there! It's a totally untapped market! And so many hits too!
- Nathan: Electric Eelchair!
- Knubbler: Yeah!
- Skwisgaar: Scaled and Gutted and Undercooked.
- Knubbler: Yeah!
- Murderface: Scuba Tank Filled With Farts!
- Knubbler: YEAH! You boys knocked it completely out of the park. [quietly] I am back on top. [louder] I'm going straight to the label!
- Toki: [Toki's song in the liquid oxygen submersion chamber] Underwater friends! You are my underwater, underwater friends! Yeah, you're my best friends now, so let's all cheer!
- Anglerfish: Yeah, we come around here about once a year!
- Toki: I pees in liquid oxygen, I breathes my own pee. It tastes like coffee 'cuz I had some effin' coffee...
[Giant Radioactive Seahorse approaches the chamber]
- Toki: [emerges from the water gasping and gurgling] Not safe! Not safe! [vomits a pink liquid] There's monsters!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Hey, Pickle. Tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy. S' hilarious.
- Pickles the Drummer: Oh, right. That dude that you headbutted? The guy was a Danish Prince. Can you believe that?
- Skwisgaar: [mistaking the Danish for the Dutch] Pfft! The Dutch.
- Pickles: Oh, check it out. He's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull... Oh, and he's last in line for the Danish royalty. That is messed up, dude.
- William Murderface: Well, that's what he gets for going after my hog.
- Pickles: Awesome.
- Skwisgaar: Dude, I would have done the same thing. Pfft. Dutch.
- Pickles: Yeah, well it's official. I mean, you're getting really... good at headbutting.
- Nathan Explosion: A birthday party for Murderface?
- Skwisgaar: Where is it going to be? In a toilet? In a bus station?
- Toki Wartooth: Oh, that's brutal.
- Skwisgaar: Can you believe, right off the top of my head, just making up like thats?
- Pickles: Wait a minute! The guy's a nihilist, what does he want a birthday for?
- Murderface's E-vite: Inside, outside, up or down. Show up if you want, who gives a piss?
- Nathan: Oh, fuck me! We're going to have to get him a gift!
- Dr. Gibbons: William Murderface's charts indicate a deep-seated rage which is split off and repressed at its core. His self-loathing is expressed most publicly and unequivocally through bodily mutilation, tattooing, alcohol abuse, and coprophilia. He blames others for his anger. He misplaces his rage and its roots. He seeks punishment, castigation, and excommunication. This self-destruction is the only way to validate powerful voices he internalized as a child. This, combined with his immense wealth and popularity, should make for a monumentally horrific birthday.
- Skwisgaar: Or maybe, like, we get him an endangered species, and then, we could kill it? That'd be cool.
[Nobody responds to his suggestions.]
- Skwisgaar: I just read about this thing online you can buy a star and name it. Like, what if we named it, like, Mulhalmad Ali, the black prizefighter? That would be his gift.
[Still no response to his suggestions.]
- Skwisgaar: Fuck you.
- Nathan: Wait a minute! I got it - we'll give him the blackest most meaningless gift of all.
- Klokateer: The Queen of Denmark, with her son, Prince Henrey. [Prince Henrey is swathed in various bandages, injured from Murderface's headbutt]
- Queen of Denmark: This is an original manuscript from Peter Cornolivesonoft, Denmark's most faaamous poet!
- Murderface: Was he murdered?
- Queen: No.
- Murderface: How much did it cost?
- Queen: This is an -
- Murderface: Ah, just keep it! [to himself] I'm getting the crappiest gifts! [Prince Henrey hands him a marker] What?! [incredulously] Are you giving me a Sharpie for my birthday?
- Queen: He's asking for your autograph.
- Skwisgaar: [grabs marker from Murderface] Here, let me sign! [pushes hard against the bridge of the nose]
- Prince Henrey: OW!
[The Sharpie marker is dripping blood.]
- Skwisgaar: The Dutch are scum.
- Fan: [looking at Murderface's cake, which is coated with a silver frosting] Dude, is that metal frosting? That's amazing!
- Jean-Pierre: Please do not sample the frosting, it is made of... MERCURY! You will die!
- Skwisgaar: This is a complete and total, y'know, sausage festival.
- Toki: I love sausage festival!
- Skwisgaar: Wait, what..
- Toki: Like in Vienna.
- Skwisgaar: No. No, Toki, that WAS a sausage festival.
- Toki: Yeah, that was good.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, it was Vienna pork saus.... Um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what into side of them.
- Toki: The sausage?
- Skwisgaar: Ja. Anyway, what were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.
- Toki: Oh, I gots to make something for Murderface. I'm going to make him a macaroni murder lady.
- Skwisgaar: I'm sure he'll hate that. Eh, pardon me.
- Nathan: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the party. And as you all know, no party is complete without a birthday party clown. And we have one of the finest Rock N' Roll clowns around, so please...put- your hands tog- you know, here comes the Rock N' Roll clown.
- Dr. Rockso: [enters siding in on his knees] K-K-K-K-K YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! [crowd moans: Murderface looks annoyed] I'm Dr. Rockso, the Rock and Roll Clown! I do cocaine! K-K-K-K-YEAH! I hear it's somebody's birth-day! I do cocaine! Dr. Rockso gonna make you a balloon bass.
[Dr. Rockso proceeds to make William's balloon bass.]
- Dr. Rockso: [whispers] I seriously do... a lotta cocaine. [louder] Try it out! Wait a minute, I think someone's outta tune. Just a little more. [turns the knob, which swells until it pops in William's face -- he looks furious] You popped a string! Hehe! I do coca- [Murderface strangles Dr. Rockso and shoves the balloon bass down his throat, then sets the Klokateers on him. The Klokateers viciously stomp Rockso.]
- Nathan: And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [the gift box falls open, empty] ... NOOOOTHING!
- Murderface: Oh, you suck! You all suck!
- Nathan: Awwww, what's wrong?
- Skwisgaar: Ah yeah, go play records backwards and kill yourself.
- Pickles: Hey fatso! We got your favorite thing: disappointment!
- Nathan: Attention! You big baby!
- Skwisgaar: Ah, what are you doing? Going for a crybaby walk?
- Murderface: Hey! Why's everybody wearing camouflage? Joining the Marines?
- Nathan: We wanted to, uhh, surprise you. In outfits.
- Murderface: Y'look like stupid Navy Seals.
- Nathan: That's part of the surprise.
- Murderface: Why?
- Nathan: Because it makes us harder to see! That's awesome.
- Pickles: Hey douchefag! [a car is lowered in front of Murderface] Happy Birthday!
- Nathan: Well, what do you think?
- Toki: Big fat tires and everything!
- Murderface: But I already got, like, a million limos.
- Pickles: Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet! [makes gunshot noises]
- Nathan: It's all souped up... and desecrated.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.
- Pickles: And... you're entered in the first-ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!
- Toki: And I made you this macaroni murder lady. What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.
- Murderface: You mean I get to destroy United States history... LITERALLY!? [sheds a tear of blood]
- Skwisgaar: Women have a quality attraction to me. Mmm, you got to deal with it.
- Toki: Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me, I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak!
- Skwisgaar: Don't do me any favors, throw up on yourself.
- [Charles Ofdensen, the band's manager, hands the band their new Dethphones.]
- Toki: [picks up Dethphone, its spikes poking him in the face] This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.
- Charles Ofdensen: Well, it's your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a really convincing case to me.
- Nathan: All right, you know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink, and it's your job to talk us out of it.
- Ofdensen: Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.
- Pickles the Drummer: So? Big deal, those threats aren't new.
- Pickles: Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing. We're not professional apologizers. We're... musicians. So, we wrote a song for you, a new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish folklore book of necronomic spells.
- [The crowd moans collectively in horror.]
- Nathan: You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years. "Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the Lake Troll".
- Senator Stampingston: Gentlemen, it's clear that we're in a universally precarious situation. Dethklok has summoned a troll.
- General Crozier: That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.
- Senator Stampingston: Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?
- Ofdensen: Well, it's official: Finland is being destroyed by a troll that... you summoned.
- Skwisgaar: Well, I'm not sorry.
- Nathan: Huh, I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
- Toki: Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him. He could have carried me to school!
- Nathan: I know!
- Pickles: Dudes, I'm turning on my Dethphone and I'm hearing Murderface. Wait a minute! Do we just get one phone line in five phones?!
- Toki: That's brutal.
- Pickles: So wait - we can't make any out-calls?! Dude, Murderface, get off the phone! Please! Get off the phone!
- Murderface: Okay, hold on. I just need to check my messages.
- Dethfone: You have 67 new telephone answering machine digital phone wireless fidelity Dethfone messages. To hear the messages, press "1" on the keypad located on the front of the phone. Preparing to play answering machine number message number one. After this message, would you like to save, or delete, or replay this message, please listen to the directions that will follow the message...
- Nathan: Oh man, this thing's just designed to eat up minutes. It's brutal.
- [Outside a bar.]
- Nathan: Looks likes that troll killed that power everywhere.
- Skwisgaar: Well, there's only two things to do in a blackout: get drunk... one thing to do.
- Nathan: Oh, I hate Finland. I need a hundred beers.
- [Cut to inside the bar]
- Nathan: I need a hundred beers. Exactly... exactly one hundred. Thank you.
- Murderface: What are those wooden things? Chairs?
- Barkeep: They are acoustic instruments.
- Toki: What is acoustic? Oh, you mean a grampa's guitars?
- Skwisgaar: A grampa's guitars? That's for pussies and grampas. I think you know it.
- Barkeep: It's your only choice, I'm afraid.
- Pickles: Whoa, this is a tough one guys.
- Nathan: Pickles is right, we have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again.
- Nathan: Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?
- Toki: I... have a confessions to makes. I can'ts reads music.
- Skwisgaar: Dudes, Toki can't read music. Hah! It's a laugh!
- Toki: Can you?
- Skwisgaar: No. I haves music dyslex-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.
- Nathan: Wait, then how were - how were you playing that song?
- Toki: Honestly, I was just hitting any note.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, me too. That's an old music school trick.
- Toki: THE GRANDPA'S GUITARS ARE SMASHEDS!!
- Skwisgaar: [referring to lake troll] Dudes, here comes that guy!
- Nathan: Wait! The phones! Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!
- [They swing the Dethphones by their chains and throw them. The Dethphones land 3 feet in front of the band.]
- Nathan: [into handheld voice recorder] Idea for our last song, ever: "Killed by a Troll."
[A court hearing is underway.]
- Lawyer: The lyrics clearly state: "Go into the water, go into the water. Live there, die there." Well, my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this "Underwater Album" by your band, Dethklok.
- Pickles the Drummer: Why don't you... go breathe underwater?
[The crowd laughs.]
- Lawyer: I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!
- William Murderface: Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo-licker!
- Lawyer: This band is a danger to the human race!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: You's a danger of putting us to asleep. I would'a brought a sleepinsbag if I knows this guys was gonna show up.
- Lawyer: Your Honour, we DEMAND 50 million dollars for medical bills and punitive damages.
- Toki Wartooth: Hey, how 'bout we compromise...
- Nathan Explosion: We'll give you half... of NOTHING!
- Charles Ofdensen: The album clearly states "Intended for fish only". I rest my case.
- Judge Alfanso: Not guilty!
[After the hearing.]
- Toki: Well, we wins that.
- Nathan: Whatever.
- Skwisgaar: You preferred that we'd lose?
- Nathan: Nah, I was just thinking about the next album.
- Pickles: Oh, right. You mean how we're supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves.
- Nathan: Exactly.
- All: Ohhh.
[The band is playing golf.]
- Murderface: Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.
- Pickles: Yeah, we can't get writer's credit for something like that.
- Murderface: Good point. You're up, Judge Alfanso!
- Judge Alfanso: Oh, thank you William.
- Skwisgaar: Well, maybe we should takes a break, you know? Being bleak and dark for a living sometimes makes you lose your objectivity for, you know, being bleak and dark.
- Auctioneer: And now we will auction the skull from the famous comedian, Buddy Hackett. We'll start this bid at fifty thousand dollars.
- Skwisgaar: Oh, I gots to have that.
- Auctioneer: Fifty thousand. Do I hear sixty thousand?
- Nathan: Yeah.
- Skwisgaar: This going to be a long night.
- Dr. Donald Gorfield: Well, the people of the world are depressed and stupid. They look to comedy to lighten the load of their boring, dreadful lives. These idiots have been force-fed garbage from our own secret cable networks and our own employees covering as high-profile standup and sketch comics. Should we lose control of this, only God knows what will happen.
- Comedian: Autobots, remember those? How about Decepticons, remember those? What about Masters of the Universe? Hey, talk about egomaniacs, Masters of the Universe! We're Masters of the Universe! Hey, at least they ain't Smurfs! Huh? Or worse, Snorks! Remember? Snorks! Remember those? Sounds like someone falling asleep! SNOOOORKS! SNOOOORKS!
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle, it's their first time on stage, The Brothers... of DECEPTION!
- Skwisgaar: So, I was thinking of killing myself...
- Toki: That's funny, I was thinking of killing you too.
- Skwisgaar: Well, how d'you like dat.
[Skwisgaar plays a Metal guitar rhythm with no applause or laughter]
- Toki: Mom always hated you most.
- Skwisgaar: She hates boths of us, deh most!
[Toki plays a single note on his guitar and drops it.]
- Toki: [whispers] I hates you. Seriously.
- Skwisgaar: [whispers back] Okay.
- Nathan: What if your guts was a bowling ball? Well, I bet it would look something like this - [he holds up a bunch of organs in the shape of a sphere]
- Nathan: Yeah, I'm real sick of my brother, yeah we're twins. Anybody got twins out there? Anybody got one like this? Meet Kuato.
- Nathan: Well hey bodybag! How's it going? [impersonating bodybag] Smells like somebody took a crap in here! [normal voice] Ohh, bodybag! Well, look bodybag, it's your old friends Brains! [holds up a brain with flies around it, an elderly person gets ready to vomit] [Nathan impersonating brain] Hey idiot! I'm Brains, I go in your head. [The elderly person vomits]
- Pickles: Okay, we are gonna delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Now all we need to start is one location.
- Audience Member: HOW 'BOUT A DIFFERENT COMEDY CLUB? [laughter]
- Pickles: Okay, I heard a... gas station.
- Murderface: I'm a gas station attendant!
- Pickles: [sitting on a stool pretending to hold a steering wheel] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is, midnight blue with-
- Audience Member: HEY PIPPY-LONG-BORING! YOU SUCK! [laughter]
- Pickles: Can't you fill it up just a little bit faster?
- Murderface: Well I'm trying! I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A FUCKING GAS TANK!
- Pickles: That's because it's a stool Murderface!
- Audience Member: HEY IDIOT! DON'T NEGATE THE PREMISE! [laughter]
- Pickles: It's on - it's on - it's over there - wherever. Just please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place...
- Murderface: Ahhh, I should check the oil... better go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave... this sucks! Good luck dying out there!
- Pickles: Are you leaving?
- Murderface: Yes I'm leaving!
- Nathan: Cut Kuato? I'll cut Bodybag before I cut Kuato. Kuato stays. Kuato's gold!
- Skwisgaar: They laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us.
- Toki: That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?
- Skwisgaar: He is horribles, Toki. He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
- Toki: But you laugh.
- Skwisgaar: I did?
- Lorkey the Sailor: Aye, Comedy ain't never about humor. T'ain't no difference if you ask me.
- Toki: But, that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...
- Lorkey: Comedy is about expressing your hate. The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sitting at them tables will think you are!
- Skwisgaar: But I bombed and I hates every thing!
- Lorkey: Aye, but do you hate yourself?
- Toki: Hate... myself?
- Lorkey: Ah yes, especially now eh? Bombing on stage and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails [referring to Pickles] went running away! It will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
- Toki: [finally understanding] I hate myself!
- Lorkey: Yeah, now you're getting it. And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world. And once you embrace your hate, you will MURDER THEM! And you will kill, YOU WILL KILL!
- Pickles: Well, I really hate myself.
- Toki: Pickle, you back! We think you gone for good!
- Pickles: So, anysways, I just got back from vacation. I went to the beach...for vacation...and...you know what I got at the beach?
- Crowd: [no response]
- Pickles: SAND!!! [throws sand to the crowd]
- Lorkey: [watching Pickles perform] Eh, can't teach 'em no more. [pulls a pistol from his jacket and shoots himself in the head]
- Pickles: [while performing; shooting a rifle in random directions] Oops, I thought this was the NRA!
- Pickles: [while performing] Any of you dildos wanna fight? What about you grandma? Wanna fight? Wanna awwww... I'm just messing with you!
[A journalist, Nick Ibsen, is holding a TV interview with Dethklok.]
- Nick Ibsen: We're back with arguably the greatest entertainment force in the history of the world, Dethklok. Gentlemen, you are the twelfth largest economy in the world and climbing, and yet you all are intensely private. Little is known about your personal lives. Why?
- Nathan Explosion: [suddenly] Because.
- Ibsen: Well, we at the Nick Ibsen show do pride ourselves on uncovering, the, most - [interrupted by Murderface slamming his knife in the table]
- William Murderface: Hey douchebag, why don't you drill a hole into your forehead and let all the sap run out.
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Huh huh... for pancakes.
- Ibsen: As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... certain... Are you urinating on my shoes?
- William Murderface: Yes I am.
- Ibsen: Well as I said before, while met with resistance, we have a great surprise in store for you. We, have uncovered something you have desperately been trying to hide. Tonight, you will all be reunited with your families.
[The band's families are unveiled.]
- Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You're going to pay for this!
- Ibsen: Pay for what? Journalistic integrity?
[Stella Murderface, William's grandmother, drives over in her Rascal scooter, towing his grandfather in a wagon behind.]
- Stella Murderface: William!
- Ibsen: I think you'll find any journalist worth his own salt, would do the same.
[The wheel of Stella Murderface's Rascal scooter tugs on a wire, causing a headlight to smash into Nick Ibsen's head, resulting in severe injury. The exposed ends of two cables land in a pool of blood, in which Nick Ibsen is standing, electrocuting him.]
- Nathan: That's a good song title... "Bloodrocuted!"
[At a Tribunal meeting.]
- Senator Stampingston: From Tomahawk, Wisconsin we have Pickles' parents: Calvert and Molly with older brother Seth, a recently released convict. From Victory Gardens, the premier armed forces retirement community in Florida: Rose and Oscar Explosion. She's the once lovely Miss Sweden 1956, the brave single mother whose neglect helped form the world's fastest guitarist: Serveta Skwigelf. And the curious and rather off-beat grandparents who raised William after the tragic murder-suicide of his parents: Stella and Thunderbolt Murderface.
- General Crozier: What's the wagon for?
- Senator Stampingston: MASSIVE stroke.
- General Crozier: I see...
- Senator Stampingston: And last but not least, from abandoned village near Lillehammer, Norway, Anja and the Reverend Aslaug Wartooth.
- Skwisgaar: I just want to climbs into a hole and not deals, you know? Right, Toki?
[Toki does not respond; he is in a frozen, catatonic state.]
- Skwisgaar: What, you're not talking to me?
- Nathan: I'll never not be embarrassed by my parents.
- William: It's repugnant. I'd rather be sanded faceless than grow old and... repugnant like that.
- Pickles the Drummer: I know! I think we all wish those guys were dead. Maybe we can just take them out to dinner and get them off our back.
- Nathan: Eh, you're right. [he turns to their families standing right next to him] So what do you feel like eating?
- Rose Explosion: You remember Mrs. Miller, don't you?
- Nathan: [hands clamped over his ears] No.
- Rose Explosion: Well, they had to cut her legs off. Poor thing, there was an ice-storm and the power went out in her house and she woke up with her feet frozen.
- Nathan: God, Mom, that's brutal.
- Rose Explosion: Her feet were black, like... uh, a black person's feet. Not that I have anything against black people, but this, this was frostbite. And besides, black people's feet are pink on the bottom.
- Stella Murderface: I learned they have these wheelchairs now with computers in them that you can control by blinking, your eyes - and with all your money, William, your grandfather has to sit there in a wagon like a dead cat.
- William: Oh! I guess I'll just run out and buy one - hey, anyone else want one? Electric wheelchairs! I'll buy a million of them -
[Stella Murderface hits William on the head with a spoon for being sarcastic.]
- William: Ow! Don't hit people on the head with a spoon!
- Seth: So I took a music management course at a Wisconsin state prison, ya' know, can you believe that crap?
- Molly: He's a manager! [tense music starts] He's gonna make an office above the garage!
- Seth: Hell yeah! I manage like five bands in D block. You know? For good! You ever heard of the Twixies? It hasn't gotten out yet, but you know, I record some stuff, then hit the phones, I'm so good! It blew my mind! [tense music gets louder] I just wanted to talk to you, dude... we should start a frickin' label! Can you imagine that? You know? Brothers in business? I would be in charge of numbers. You just play the music, play those rat-a-tat-tat, play those drums. And I want to do it plenty, and big fans and labels. [tense music stops suddenly]
- William: Awwm lemme outta here, I gotta pee-pee!
- Nathan: Yeah me too!
- Skwisgaar: Yeah that's for sure!
- Toki: [catatonically silent]
- Pickles: [enters restroom] I AM GONNA LOSE MY MIND! MY PARENTS JUST BRAG AND BRAG ABOUT MY BROTHER! [mocking high-pitched voice] "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" [normal voice] BIG DEAL, HE'S AN EX-CON! [breathes from an inhaler, pants for breath] I haven't used one of these things in like 15 years.
- Nathan: [enters restroom, slamming the door open] WHAT THE FUCK?!
- Skwisgaar: This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw-up!
- William: Don't worry about it, your mom seems cool!
- Skwisgaar: She was the most prosqueeminous women in Swedens, haves sex with everybody! Pffft! Thanks mom!
- Nathan: The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.
- William: My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheel chair. SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT!
- Pickles: Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem!
- William: Of course! We have them put to sleep!
- Pickles: No, we'll lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at them! We'll buy that bastard a wheel chair, take them to miniature golf or whatever the fuck people do. We'll pretend we're interested in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over, we'll ship them outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?
- William: Okay.
[William Murderface has bought his grandfather a modern wheelchair that is controlled by blinking.]
- Stella Murderface: Oh William, you're going to go to heaven for this!
- William Murderface: I’d rather die than go to heaven.
- [Thunderbolt's first action in the chair is to drive it backwards through a plate glass window in an attempt to kill himself]
- Seth: All I'm sayin' is that I did most of the numbers right? [tense music starts] So I did most of the work right? So all I need, is percentage. What I need to get started, get the labeling, you know. Phones. Chicks to answer the phones, desks, all that stuff. [tense music gets louder] Just need a couple bucks. You just sign a check, [holds up a check] see? I already wrote a check. Right there, you just sign. Alright. I know what your PIN number is. That's not a threat. So just - I'm the real deal, okay. I'm no one of those frickin' assholes you meet sometimes. [Pickles putts the golf ball]
- Pickles: [tense music stops] Why don't we talk about this cool stuff when I come over and visit next weekend?
- Seth: I'll remember that. You just tell me, where and when. Send me a plane ticket, send me an e ticket.
[William Murderface begins choking his grandmother for chewing loudly, and Nathan and Pickles pull him off.]
- William: Sorry! Sorry! I just... It's my fault! I can't stand to see her chew, I just locked in on it! My fault! Sorry!
- Pickles: TIME TO GO! Time to go! Everyone get packed up... where's the folks? He - heyyyyy -
- Skwisgaar: Ugh. Can't comes even faster. This sour stomach ever since my mom's been here?
- Nathan: Toki hasn't said one word!
- Toki: [still catatonically silent]
- William: Maybe they died in their sleep.
- Seth: [approaches Dethklok members] Alright dudes, may I have a word with you?
- Pickles: Oh, not now bro, we gotta see everybody off for now, for good, to the airport! Guhhh... where are they?
- Seth: Okay, here's the deal. Everyone's in the studio right? We're gonna have a lil' pow-wow.
- Nathan: The studio?
[In the studio]
- Seth: We are going to do a Dethklok family Death metal album! There it is, I said it. Okay? And I got it all figured out. Everybody's on board. Now we can all enjoy the fruits of our talents! After all, [to Pickles] hey, you're my little brother. I friggin' love you. But you got all your ideas about music from me first! [tense music starts] The idea to become a rock n' roll star, that was mine. So face it; you owe me! [Pickles starts to choke him, causing him to stutter] You'll be making a percentage!
- Pickles: For once it is not about the money! I don't want my parents doing a fucking metal album!
- Seth: [still being choked] I can't take this away from them! We're family!
- Pickles: The hell you talkin' about?!
- Nathan: We are the most brutal band in the world! What do any of you know about being brutal?
- William: Yeah!
- Seth: Help me!
- Skwisgaar: Now you guys better check out or you'll has each other's lunch for dinners!
[Stella sprays Pickles with pepper spray.]
- Pickles: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
- Stella Murderface: Oh, you gutless pieces of living garbage! You think you know what it's like to be brutal? [sprays William with pepper spray]
- William: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
- Stella Murderface: Can you imagine cleaning the feculent crud off this moron's diapers every morning? [sprays William again]
- William: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Stella Murderface: Let me tell you billionaire lowlives something, there's nothing, NOTHING, in this world more brutal and grotesque than raising children!
- Rose Explosion: You ruined my vagina!
- Servetta Skwigelf: I could never lose the weight after you were born! And look at the veins in my bosom, they're like a roadmap of Stockholm!
- Oscar Explosion: I used to be happy... until you! When I started spending all my time with HER, and I spent all my beer money on little kid's clothes! That's brutal!
[Thunderbolt Murderface, William's grandfather, does the only real vocals in the Dethfam song.]
- Thunderbolt Murderface: [robotic voice] My body is a lifeless shell. Please, please, kill me. Please kill me. I have not had an erection for 30 years. I just used my underpants as a restroom. Please kill me. Dear God, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [contemplatively] It appears the yard wolves has grown up. Are we finally finished with thes colds dead winters?
- Skwisgaar: You slapped at my face.
- Dr. Twinkletits: No, I didn't!
- Nathan Explosion: You should know that we don't really let anybody in here.
- Dr. Jonathan Twinkletits: Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me, jeez. I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here, go!
- Pickles the Drummer: Don't worry, I've been tryin' to do that since yeh got here.
- Dr. Twinkletits: Well then it shouldn't be a problem then, should it, SMARTASS?!
- Pickles: Dude, no hitting.
[The band are in the recording studio, recording Toki's part.]
- Nathan: Do it again, Toki. Take 164.
- Skwisgaar: Just... let me record it. Each take gets worse! He's slowly learning how to unplay the guitar.
- Toki Wartooth: I can hear that. The talkback mike is on.
- Skwisgaar: Pickle, please let me know when the talkback mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to crysbabies house for vacation?
- Toki: I can stills hear you.
- Skwisgaar: So, what do you want? A be-able-to-hear-things award?!
- Toki: Eh, not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest.
- Skwisgaar: This idea is dildos.
- Television Narrator: ... with considerable pressure, the hard and marble-like lens can jettison back into their own eyes, blinding them.
- Nathan: Huh...I didn't know that.
- William Murderface: I did. [sticks food into his mouth with his knife; Twinkletits enters the room]
- Twinkletits: Band meetin' everyone, BAND MEETIN'!
- Pickles: Dude, you may be a therapist, but you can't call a band meeting!
- Twinkletits: Yes I can! For the purpose of these exercises, I am a band member! To reward Toki for great work today, I should like to give him something that the rest of you may one day earn.
[He unlocks a locked box on his belt and holds a banana sticker with a pair of tweezers.]
- Twinkletits: [whispers] The banana sticker! [heavenly chorus sounds]
- Murderface: How come he gets a banana sticker? Don't I get one?
- Twinkletits: No, Murderface, you do not get a banana sticker, not until you have proven yourself! Until then, these banana stickers shall remain locked in here.
[Murderface throws a tantrum, yells and smashes Toki's guitar on the floor.]
- Twinkletits: What happened back there?
- Murderface: I don't care.
- Twinkletits: Hey, I've got an idea. [Removes glasses.] Let's rock talk!
- Murderface: No!
- Twinkletits: C'mon, don't you wanna get in touch with you know, your - your inner dude?
- Murderface: No thanks, I hate that guy.
- Twinkletits: Now we're getting somewhere! Let's rock talk about that!
- Murderface: I don't wanna.
- Twinkletits: Hmm. What a shame, you know. Guess I'll just have to, you know, hold onto all these banana stickers, I got like a million -
- Murderface: [eyes widen] Okay, I'll rock talk.
- Twinkletits: Good. I want you to tell me about young Murderface. Tell me a nice story about when Murderface was just a little tiny boy.
- Murderface: Well, okay, here goes.
[The scene shows baby Murderface sitting in his high chair, baby music plays until it changes to horror music as his father crosses the screen holding a chainsaw. A woman screams, and the sound of a chainsaw is heard.]
- William's Father: How could I ever marry you?! I kill you! Here goes!
[His father crosses the screen, covered in blood.]
- William's Father: And now I kill myself! First my left leg! Good! [voice gets more anguished] Now the right! [voice gets even more anguished and lower] Now the arm! [voice gets lower and more halting] NOW MY FAAAACE! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Back in the present, William wets his pants, and Twinkletits gives him a banana sticker.]
- Murderface: Yeah, that was good rock talk.
- Twinkletits: Hey, ah, this is John Twinkletits, ah. Remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just want to let you that I'm in another band and we're called Dethklok. No big whoop. No big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, but then again you probably can't BECAUSE I KILLED YOU.
[Toki witnesses the scene, horrified, and calls a band meeting in the bathroom, locking the door behind them.]
- Toki: I'm telling you he's crazy.
- Murderface: How could you say something like that? He's a genius.
- Nathan: Alright, this is getting completely out of control. Twinkletits thinks he's in our band. I think we gotta fire 'em.
- Toki: Wait, we can do that?
- Nathan: Yeah. I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.
- Skiwsgaar: Can we's fires ourselves?
- Nathan: Yeah, no, I... I found that out too.
- Pickles: Can we give ourselves a raise?
- Nathan: Yeah, I mean I think so. Don't quote me on that, but I think we can.
- Pickles: Oh, dude, then I, you know I give myself a raise right now.
- Skiwsgaar: Ja, I give me a raise too.
- Toki: I give myself a solid gold telephone.
- Murderface: I give myself a bunch of boats. Wit' a bunch of... Vietnamese people on 'em... on fire.
- Pickles: Dudes. I just thought about something. If we fire Twinkletits, then we ain't gonna see no more banana stickers.
- Nathan: Hey! We been thinkin', not very hard, but... You're fired! Yeah. We hate you.
- Twinkletits: I'm sorry, what?
- Murderface: Hey it's not that bad. You know I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing, you're a real dick. And I appreciate that, but we never want to see you again, you ugly idiot dick!
- Twinkletits: Hold on for a second, I am your therapist.
- Skiwsgaar: I ain't no therapist, but I hate your mustache.
- Twinkletits: Don'ts you wants a banana sticker?
- Nathan: We won't be needing your banana stickers.
[Murderface slides a trunk over, and Nathan kicks it open, revealing that it's full of banana stickers. Heavenly music sounds.]
- Nathan: We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so...
- Twinkletits: You sons of bitches! HOW DARE YOU! I AM the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick you out! YOU'RE ALL FIRED, you buncha stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU! [slips on a banana sticker and flies out the window] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [he falls several stories and lands on the ground] I'm still alive! I'm still- [the yard wolves appear] AUUGGGHH ...
- Toki: Look. The wol-e-ves eat him.
- Skwisgaar: Yes, Toki, and his body will nourish the wolves.
- Toki: I believe the cycle of learning is complete.
- Skwisgaar: Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.
- Pickles: Yeah. And what lesson might that be?
- Skwisgaar: I haves no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten, look at that right there.
- Nathan: [videotaping Twinkletits getting eaten by the wolves] I loved him. I ... can say that now.
- William: Now that he's dead, it's much easier to say emotional things about him.
- Pickles: Guys, maybe this is weird to say, but am I the only one who is being made to feel hungry by watching this?
- Nathan: [pause] Let's eat!
[All band members eyes glow red.]
Snakes n' Barrels (1.08)
[A documentary about the band Snakes 'N' Barrels is airing.]
- Narrator: [reading a letter by Pickles] Antonio shot heroin into his balls again this morning. He says this time, it was an accident. I'm sure we'll have the usual difficulties on stage tonight. I know I sound like a broken record, but I need heavier music.
- Nathan Explosion: Hey! We were watching that.
- Pickles the Drummer: Dude, right, so you could make fun of me, I know.
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: No way, to compliments you, you were such a beautifuls lady back then. Maybe, yous all favor us with a few make-ups tips.
[The four band members laugh at him.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Eh hahaha. That's really funny.
- William Murderface: It's exciting! Turn it back on! I wanna see what happens!
- Pickles: What do you mean? I'm here! That's what happened! That's the end of the story.
- William: Well it's boring when you say it.
- Pickles: I know.
- Toki Wartooth: Pickle? [sigh] this Snakes 'N' Barrel, it's not my cup of tea. It sucks!
- Pickles: Well, it's not a nice thing to say, Toki.
- Toki: Not my fault it sucks.
- Charles Ofdensen: Snakes 'N' Barrels' record sales have gone through the roof since the documentary began airing, and there's interest of a reunion tour -
- Pickles: Okay.
- Murderface: What if Pickles never comes back? Boy, that'd be totally messed up.
- Nathan: Oh come on guys, it's not like this is anyones first band. You'll probably all want to go reunite with your old bands at some point.
- Toki: Dethklok is my first band.
- Nathan: Oh. Well, one day, you'll want to reunite with us.
- Toki: Why? We already together.
- Nathan: Just 'cause we're not broken up doesn't mean we can't reunite.
- Skwisgaar: Actuallys, I thinks that's exactlys what that means.
- Nathan: Seriously?
- Skwisgaar: You can'ts reunite with a bands that has not brokeds up. They won't let you.
- Toki: That sucks. Psch, great.
- Nathan: Wait, could we have a "Not Reunion" tour, where we, you know, just come out and like, you know, do a regular show?
- Skwisgaar: No, I looked into it.
- Nathan: Well that's pretty lame.
- Skwisgaar: Well, that's showbiz.
- Murderface: Uhhh, I need a backrub. [dejectedly] I miss Pickles.
- Pickles: Okay, I know you're all sober now, and I can totally respect that, so I'm going to resist the urge to do drugs and drink around you. I will still do them, but I will excuse myself and go to a different room.
- Pickles: Stop! Stop! Stop! For the love of god. Sweet lord. Have you people forgotten how to play? That sounded awful.
- Sammy "Candynose" Twinskins: No way man, we're better than ever.
- Pickles: Dude. You're sitting on the outside of the drumkit.
- Sammy: No I ain't. Oh wait, you're right. Sorry. That's why it felt weird.
- Pickles: Hey Bullets, what's this thing you're wearing, what is this?
- Snizzy "Snazz" Bullets: It's an invention of mine. It's a strapless guitar that also functions as a girdle. Its called a gu-girdle-itar.
[Pickles is tuning his guitar when all other Dethklok members enter his room, drunk.]
- Nathan: Hey... good luck on your show tonight.
- Pickles: Oh, hey, thanks. I gotta get ready back here, if you don't mind.
- Skwisgaar: Go gets them. Haves a really great show... do that for me.
- Pickles: ...Yeah, I gotta, you know get ready -
- William: Just don't forget about us... [raises his beer bottle] He's a good kid!
- Pickles: Ohhh, you're acting weird.
- Nathan: We just, you know, umm, we care about you.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, if you gets a problems with thats, then, well I guess that's just sad.
- Pickles: Oh God, I'm not leaving Dethklok, I've told you this a billion times, okay? I'm just doing this for fun!
- Nathan: Yeah, well, it's not brutal you know... Snakes 'N' Barrels isn't brutal.
- Pickles: I know.
- Nathan: Okay.
- Pickles: Okay.
- Nathan: Just do a great job! And don't leave us! I gotta get going, YOUR MUSIC SUCKS AND YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! ...I'm having a hard time expressing myself.
- Pickles: Will you guys get the hell out of here? I'm supposed to be going over the songs.
- Skwisgaar: Oh ja? Well then where's your stupid band?
- Pickles: [gasp] I don't even know where they are!
- Dr. Romumilif Chesterfield: You guys want to try some Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake? You're gonna get so high your minds will blow chunks into the Milky Way. And what better way to celebrate the reunion than with a good old fashioned Milky Way chunk blow, hmmm?
- Pickles: Okay, let's uh... kick ass tonight!
- Sammy: Oh wait, I almost forgot, we got some Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake from a dude.
- Pickles: Oh, come on guys, I don't wanna encourage any kinda dr- okay, I'll do it!
- TV Announcer: Apparently, Snakes 'N Barrels were giving psychotropic drugs that have erased their memories, except for Pickles which the drugs had no effect on whatsoever.
- Pickles: I grew up smokin' government weed everyday you know, I had kiddie glaucoma, don't ask me! I'm immune to just about everything.
- Nathan: Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it, they're right! It's an amazing album! Congratulations Pickles. It's so chilling!
- Murderface: What a great way to go out too! I only hope we can end that way! Clawing our eyes out, throwing up acid blood!
- Toki: I officially take backs whatever I said about Snakes 'N' Barrels. You're amazing!
- Skwisgaar: This music is likes potato chips. I can't stops listening to it! Plays it again!
- Pickles: Alright.
[The last live recording of Snakes 'N' Barrels last performance plays. Screaming is heard.]
- Snizzy: Oh no. My gu-girdle-itar is choking my tummy and my guts which is where my brains are.
- Sammy: Oh, my God! There's little Civil War soldiers looking for my skin.
- Antonio "Tony" DiMarco Thunderbottom: I'm aware of my tongue..
- Snizzy: Get it off me!
- Sammy: Oh no, I am also aware of my tongue.
- Antonio: [screaming] I'm a chicken. I believe I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken. I'm a, I'm a chicken. I believe I am a chicken.
[A dark room is shown, and an alarm clock is beeping relentlessly.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Ohh, [beer cans and bottles are heard clattering] I am gonna be well-burned, SHUT UP! Dammit! Dammit Stop! Shut Up! Shut up you crappy alarm! [alarm stops, Pickles clicks on a lamp to reveal many people in his room]
- Fan: OH YEAH PICKLES! PICKLES WAKES UP JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!
- Pickles: [shrieking] WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING HERE?! [fan ignores him and continues yelling] Oh god, I forgot... I hate fan day!
- TV Newsreader: An official statement from Dethklok calls this "A psychotic day of insane celebration for regular jack-offs.".
- Facebones: Remember, our snipers have 50 caliber sniper rifles that can kill you from almost 3 miles away. [shows sniper taking person down from long distance] Yikes!
- Nathan Explosion: Why do I drink so much before stupid fan day?
- William Murderface: I believe you drink because it's fan day.
- Nathan: Ugh. I don't w - Don't talk to me about that. Wai - wait, where's Skwisgaar?
- Toki Wartooth: I don't think he gonna be here for a while, he had a very big night with a very huge fan!
- Nathan: Yeah, we were all up late.
- Toki: Not me, I actually got good rest.
- Pickles: Can you please, just be quiet for a second?
- Toki: Ahh, what's wrong Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle, maybe you should try pickle herring sandwich [hands him a sandwich] very famous from Oslo!
[Pickles, about to throw up, stands up and runs and opens the door to a bunch of fans.]
- Fan: OH YEAH PICKLE- [Pickles shuts the door]
- Pickles: GOD! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house?! Ugh!
- Murderface: OH GOD! Don't, what are you - bulimia?
- Nathan: Oh, great now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction, puke-a... a-thon!
[All four get ready to vomit, then all puke regular vomit, except Nathan who pukes up blood.]
- Toki: Aww! Blood puke! Good song title, someone write that - oh, that's right we already wrote that. Good song though!
- Nathan: [breathing heavily] Ohh, I think I need another liver transplant.
- Taped Tour Message: Prepare to see one of the greatest sights you've ever seen, the fastest guitarist alive, in his natural habitat.
[Toki is working on a model when a fan sneezes, and his hand reflexively clenches on the tube of glue he is holding. A glob of glue splats onto his face.]
- Toki: Ugh. Need paper towels.
[He moves blindly over to the wall for paper towels, but collides into the wall.]
- Toki: Ok, my face is stucks to the wall...
- Taped Tour Message: In order to keep Nathan Explosion healthy, and because of the tremendous drinking it takes to entertain all you Dethklok fans out there, Nathan must undergo a series of liver transplants.
- Doctor: Now, have you eaten anything this morning?
- Nathan: [heart monitor beeps faster] Nope.
- Doctor: Are you sure?
- Nathan: I mean, yea... I mean, no.
- Doctor: Okay, anesthesia please.
[Blood seeps out of the oxygen mask and over Nathan's face.]
- Facebones: Hey guys, it's me, Facebones. Now's the time you've all been waiting for. Your very own exclusive super duper exclusive fan song and one time only song videooooo [holds the last syllable for 16 seconds] ...roll it.
- Murderface: If they only knew how much we hated them, I mean they just keep crawling back like groveling putrid stupid zombies that just want to eat our brains that is our art.
[The guard brings in the Jomfru brothers.]
- Pickles: Hey, what are you doing?
- Guard: He's in a wheelchair my lords, I did not know what to do.
[Nathan walks over and towers over the Jomfru brothers menacingly.]
- Nathan: Take a walk, before I kill you.
- Pickles: Oh come on, screw that Internet crap, I mean come on, what is the Internet, you know? Seriously... what is the Internet?
- Ofdensen: Your money's waaaay down there. Behind that door, 'ya see it? Hey, 'ya better hurry up, closing time's in two minutes. I'd serpentine if I were you.
Fat Kid at the Detharmonic (1.10)
[On Krangor Island, known for containing the majority of the world's nuclear waste.]
- Nathan Explosion: We have liberated your island from you, your island that was once a nucular, nuclear testing facility that has in turn tragically disfigured you all into ugly horrible-looking mutants. And we now decree your island the Dethklok Home for Wayward Kitties. [pause] RELEASE... THE KITTIES!
- Nathan: [playing with a laser pointer] My god, these things are amazing. Check it out, I'm an eye doctor.
- Charles Ofdensen: Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.
- Nathan: Hey, wait your turn.
- William Murderface: Hey, point that into my eyes again. Awww, yeaaah, it's awesome!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Points the laser beams at my too eye. Awhhh, cool...
- Toki Wartooth: Yeah but checks dis out! I can force all the bloods to my face and gives myself a real cool blowjob!
[He forces blood to his face, and blood starts to come out of Toki's nose.]
- Toki: Dat's what I'm talkin' about!
- Skwisgaar: Pfft... you means nosebleed, not blowjob. Idiot.
- Ofdensen: I'm sorry, who is that fat kid?
- Nathan: Don't play dumb, you know who that is.
- Ofdensen: I have no idea who that is. Who the hell is that?
- Pickles: Uh, hello, that's our son.
- Murderface: Yeah, we adopted him, for charity?
- Ofdensen: I'm sorry, how is that charity?
- Nathan: Then we are his foster fathers. What do you mean? That's for charity, right?
- Ofdensen: No Nathan, that's not donating money to organizations. That's... that doesn't help our tax situation.
- Nathan: Seriously?
- Ofdensen: Yeah. Can you give him back?
- Nathan: Hey that's a crappy thing to say but no, I don't think we can. We tried.
- Ofdensen: Well, let's talk about the big show. You guys are performing at the United Celebrities of the World Foundation with the London Philharmonic, kind of a big deal, London Philharmonic, blah blah.
- Ofdensen: The donation will go to pharmaceutical research.
- Nathan: What kind of pharmaceugical research? [still playing with the laser pointer]
- Ofdensen: Well, I'm not sure. It doesn't say.
- Nathan: Have those guys cured anything?
- Ofdensen: Uhhh... no. It says here, no, they have not.
- Nathan: Ok. Shouldn't they have cured at least one disease?
- Ofdensen: Well, it doesn't matter. All you need to know is that if you want to keep your money, you do this show.
- Pickles the Drummer: See, that makes more sense to us. Just say that from now on.
- Pickles: Dudes, what the hell is wrong with this guy? He can't stand still.
- Toki: Maybe he gots to go outside and gos to the... B-A-S-T-H-R-O-H-M-N-S-E.
[Fatty Ding-Dong, the band's adopted son, pushes Murderface, who crashes into Pickles's drumkit. He swings from the chandelier, charges about the rehearsal area, causing damage and creating havoc, until Nathan grabs him in a chokehold. Fatty grunts and squeals like a pig.]
- Toki: Don't kill him, leave him alone! He's my son!
- Nathan: I'm not, you idiot, I'm... using... hug therapy on him! Read somewhere it's supposed to calm him down! [Nathan Grunts and Fatty stops squirming] Oh... dear sweet... Lord, I think he just used the restroom in his shorts. [drops Fat Kid] I guess he did have to go outside.
[after Fatty Ding-Dong has been neutered]
- Nathan: Hey goofball, look who's all neutered! You are! Yeah you're neutered, huh goofball, yeah! Who's a neutered guy?
[Toki and Skwisgaar's turn to feed Fatty Ding-Dong.]
- Toki: You know, I'm starting to get sick of dis fatherhoods thing, and why are we the ones who always get stuck feeding his fat ass? I think they racist or something.
- Skwisgaar: Well, it's not supposed to be easy, Toki. Eats your foods, Fatty Ding-Dong, because your daddies goings to take yous to thes charitys show, to's sees daddies play... eh, he's not listening. I don't know Toki, fatherhood is a strange word. So much responsibility, and whats are the rewards? Huh?
- Toki: I suppose... I feel a sense... of pride... knowing I help raise him... so dere is dat. HERE'S A BUCKET OF HANKBURKERS, AND A COUPLE OF BIG GULPS AND CRAPS, YOU FAT TITS!
- Skwisgaar: Try not to choke, you fat tub of shit. We loves you!
- Toki: Well, Fatty... dat's was not great back dere, how you killed an entire orchestra.
- Skwisgaar: Looks cool but it does not reflects on us very well. Fatty Ding-Dongs, wes woulds likes to haves a words wid you, fathers to son.
- Nathan: Now, we know that it's totally your fault that the London Philharmonic was sliced in half by a laser beam, and we know that you're sorry, we know that. But I guess... hmmm... I guess we'd kinda hoped that you'd use better judgement, y'know? And as your fathers, we, uhh....
- Murderface: (Angry) Aw he ate my fucking shoes little bastard! He ate my Civil War shoes! (Murderface walks up to Fatty Ding Dong and has a slap fight with him) They're fucking irreplaceable Civil War shoes! YA FAT SON OF A BITCH!
- Nathan: I think I know what you are all trying to say. I... uh... um... I think we have to build a space helicopter.
- Pickles: Ah, well, that's impossible, but I think I may have a better idea.
[After abandoning Fatty Ding-Dong on Krangor Island, now the Dethklok Home for Wayward Kitties.]
- Nathan: Oh he'll be fine, he's fat.
- [While shooting a music video for the instrumental 'Crush my Battle Opponent's Balls', a mechanical dragon malfunctions, starting a fire. Chaos ensues all over the set, killing and maiming everyone, except for Skwisgaar, who is left hanging in the air from a harness.]
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Ohh... this thing squish my ball... Eeegh... I might throw up -
- Toki Wartooth: Oh, cool, yous gots a new shipment of custom guitar!
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, dis is uh, some designs I'm messings arounds with, uh... dis one is, um, is Swiss Army-tar. Is good guitar for a camping trip, s'got toothpick.
- Pickles the Drummer: Yeah, good tone, what's that one right' theere?
- Skwisgaar: Uhh, is just an ant farm-itar. They, stills workings on it.
- William Murderface: Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.
- Pickles: Yeah, I'd stand on that.
- Skwisgaar: Yah, an' this is the Gibson Excalib-itar, you know, and here's my... guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.
- Murderface: Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.
- Skwisgaar: What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?
- [Skwisgaar is trying to give instructions to a stage hand on the set.]
- Skwisgaar: Okay, let me explains again, in prefectly clear English, I wants, flys in, on, a dragons, okay? How many times I gots to tell this peoples?!
- Stage Hand: I know, there isn't a dragon.
- Skwisgaar: I know, dat's what I'm telling you!
- Stage Hand: But that's what I'm telling you.
- Skwisgaar: So go get one! What are you doing here?! Go! Go get one! Now! Go, go!
- Stage Hand: They don't have them!
- Skwisgaar: Are you telling me dere out of dragons?
- Stage Hand: They never had dragons.
- Skwisgaar: Who didn't?
- Stage Hand: The world!
- Skwisgaar: [infuriated] Get dis guy out of here! Finds me a dragon!
- Skwisgaar: Okay, pulls it togedder. Don'ts lets the stress gets-in-to-you! Yous is the fastest guitarist alive, dere's no pressure! OH GODS, I cant's do...
- [Skwisgaar buries his head in his arms and cries, his eye makeup is running down his face. Charles Ofdensen knocks on dressing room door and enters.]
- Skwisgaar: Hello, I'm fine, just... getting high!
- [Toki yanks a tooth out, with black spots of decay on it.]
- Nathan: Is that a tooth?
- Toki: Yeah. Got any other questions? I'll be right here!
- Nathan: Your teeth are falling out because of your free candy from your free endorsement deal.
- Toki: Are you a dentists?
- Nathan: No.
- Toki: Well, then, shut up! Oh, by the way, teeths grow back!
- Nathan: Uh, no, they don't.
- Toki: Yes, they do! Dont's you remember beings a little kids when you teeths woulds falls out and grow back and you would get the old one under the pillow so the ancient Norse god Orthar, the tooths collector, woulds leaves you a Pickle's Nickel?!
- [A yell is heard.]
- Murderface: That came from Skwisgaar's dressing room!
- [The oxygenating hand aquariums, part of Skwisgaar's Hand Insurance Policy, are stuck to Skwisgaar's hands.]
- Skwisgaar: I don't know whats to do! This solid crystal oxygenating hands aquariums won't comes off!
- Toki: SKWISGAAR, YOU GOTS TO GETS ON STAGE SOON!
- Skwisgaar: OHH NOOOO!
- Murderface: Clank them together! Over your head! Burst them! Hurry!
- [Skwisgaar clanks them over his head, only producing a tinkle, and the hand aquariums are barely even scratched.]
- Murderface: It sounded cool.
- Toki: I thinks I has diabetes. I'm gonna take a fucking nap.
- [William Murderface's "Murderknobs" commercial.]
- Murderface: [voice-over] Over a million babies and ladies die every hemisecond. That's why I use Murder Knobs.
- [spoken] Doorknobs for a new world.
- [Pickles the Drummer's "Pickle's Nickels" commercial.]
- Pickles: [voice-over] I'm Pickles the Drummer. And our country's experiencing a horrible problem - nobody is using nickels. Use nickels.
- [spoken] Nickels is money too, guys.
- Voice-over: Paid for in nickels by the US Department of Treasury.
- [Nathan Explosion's "Explosion Sauce" commercial.]
- Nathan: [voice-over] I guess I've always hated my father. Explosion Sauce changed that.
- [spoken] Explosion Sauce - it's good on its own.
- [Toki Wartooth's "Willard Wonka Candy" commercial.]
- Toki Wartooth: [voice-over] I Toki. I slips in and out of diabetic coma. They should makes insulin-flavored candy. Whatever.
- [spoken] Candy: tastes like chicken, if chicken was a candy.
Murdering Outside the Box (1.12)
- [Nathan pours out several dozen watches from a bag onto the table.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Dude, I thought you hated wearing a watch?
- Nathan Explosion: I smash...them. [smashes watch with fist]
- Pickles: Cool. Mind if I try?
- Nathan: Uh yeah, I- I mean they're mine, but...
- Pickles: [rummaging through the watches] Whoa that's nice. What is that, a Hamilton? [drops it and stomps on it] Well, that's... you know... fun.
- William Murderface: Check it out, losers. Direct your attention to my crotch. See it?
- [Murderface displays his purchase, a sharp and lethal-looking codpiece.]
- Murderface: Feel it, envy it.
- Pickles: That is something else!
- Murderface: Best purchase ever. It's not a big deal; it's just totally diamond-encrusted and titanium-based...
- Toki: Oh, whats a coincidence! I gots a real cool codpiece too!
- [Toki turns on a bright green strap-on vibrator and stands up to display it.]
- Murderface: Uh, that's a dildo? A strap-on dildo?
- Toki: Aww, screw you all off! My codpiece is the coolest!
- Skwisgaar: Oh lighten up Mr. Dooms N' Glooms, embezzle is metal.
- Pickles: Who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?
- Charles Ofdensen: Well, he is embezzling... from you.
- Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- [Dethklok is conducting their annual employee evaluation interviews.]
- Pickles: Okay, so, uhh... number 421. You, ehh... you are part of the sector eighteen, recording studio maintainence clean team. Okay! Uhh... qui... couple questions. How, do, you, value, your, what you contribute, of, to, at the work force? Ehh... second part: which, do you most, can't, the least? Skwisgaar?
- Skwisgaar: Yeah?
- Pickles: You write these questions?
- Skwisgaar: Yeah I did.
- Pickles: Okay! Well, 421, do you have an answer?
- Klokateer 421: I am a highly skilled microphone cleaner my masters, and what I most can't the least, would be do not a bad job, but always a good.
- Skwisgaar: Okaaaay... good answer...
- Pickles: Well that's all I got, uh, guys?
- Nathan: No, I got one more question, and answer honestly! [long pause] Are you the guy who's embezzling from us?
- Klokateer 421: No.
- Nathan: [long pause] Okay... I believe you.
- Nathan: We are really, really good bosses.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, I know. We cares about all of dems. It's like a plantations, but de slaves is our friends.
- Toki: I would like to ask questions next time.
- Skwisgaar: Are you askings us to do that, Toki?
- Toki: Ya I don'no.
- Skwisgaar: Dats interesting. You saids, 'I woulds likes to asks a question.' Dats a statements.
- Toki: What... is... the difference?
- Skwisgaar: That's, a great question.
- Skwisgaar: [points at dead body of a Klokateer that Agent 216 has killed] Look at this one! Asleeps in some bloods! We gots to gets tougher on these guys maybe huh?
- Nathan: Yeah, well, all I can think about is the raffle. Can we win it?
- Pickles: Well dude, I fucking hope so, that's the only reason my ass is goin' 'ere!
- Nathan: Oh yeah! And there's gonna be an awesome motivational speaker. Oh my God I love being motivated. I love being motivated!
- Toki: Me too!
- Nathan: I LOVE BEING MOTIVATED!
- [A video on being considerate at the workplace airs.]
- Skwisgaar: I have to works with you everyday. So please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?
- Murderface: While that hurts my feelings, I understand.
- Nathan: When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there, PICK IT UUUUUP!
- Pickles: Yeah! And don't leave your lunch lying around either! It attracts ants!
- Facebones: And most important, remember - death is an everyday part of the workplace!
- [Toki is shown taking out the trash and comes across a rotting corpse.]
- Facebones: So, when you see a dead body, don't freak out!
- Toki: Wowee!
- Facebones: Just... ring your Deth-bell!
- [Toki rings his Deth-bell]
- [During an employee raffle, Klokateer 216 kicks Agent 216 in the face and begins to break his foot, Agent 216 is screaming but kicks Klokateer 216 in the face, Agent 216 loads a pistol and aims it at Murderface.]
- Ofdensen: Congratulations 216 you have won...
- [Klokateer 216 trips Agent 216, who falls head-first into William's cod piece, which rams all the way through his skull. Blood sprays everywhere.]
- Ofdensen: ...this diamond encrusted... cod-piece.
- [Murderface rings his Deth-bell.]
Go Forth and Die (1.13)
[Nathan is an employee at Dimmu Burger, a fast-food chain, after the rest of the band has been killed by crows at a show.]
- Customer: Ay fuckface! Give me four number fives!
- Nathan Explosion: ...Ummm... uhh... how much you wanted? A five?
- Customer: No, retard! I want four fives!
- Nathan: [long pause] Ummmmmmm...
- Customer: Listen, Tonto! You give me four fives! And you do it now!
- Nathan: You - you wanted... you wanted?
- Customer: Hey, wait a minute, aren't you Nathan Explosion?
- Nathan: [long pause] Yeah, I guess I am.
- Customer: Didn't you have anything to fall back on after your band was killed by blackbirds?
- Nathan: Huh. No I never graduated from high school -
[The manager walks over.]
- Manager: He's a complete idiot! Cannot even function! He's so Stupid!
- Nathan: Yeah. I'm stupid! Oh I am.
- Customer: Oh, well that's too bad. OH SHIT LOOK OUT! [deliberatly squirts Nathan in the face with ketchup]
- Nathan: OWWWWW! I'LL KILL YOU!
- Customer: Oh, now you gotta go wash your face!
- Nathan: Ohh face, yeah - [places hands in the deep-fryer and splashes hot oil on his face, attempting to wash it] OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
- Manager: That's the deep-fryer you idiot!
[Customer and Manager start laughing.]
- Customer: Your face is burning!
[Nathan shouts as the skin on his face blisters horribly and hands melt off, and hamburgers start laughing as well; Nathan shouts as he wakes up, showing that the entire sequence had been a dream.]
[Nathan enters a band meeting.]
- Nathan: Sorry I'm late guys, I uh... just had another one a those, I-can't-figure-it-out dreams again, you know... I think I might be stupid.
- Pickles the Drummer: How can you be stupid? You're famous!
- Charles Ofdensen: That is true...
- Toki Wartooth: And yous a billionaire!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Dat sounds smart to me no matter how many times you slice it.
- William Murderface: Hey quick! What's six times, um, er, uh... twelve!
[Nathan punches Murderface.]
- Murderface: Oh, hey, what the fuck?!
[Toki laughs at Murderface, who punches Toki.]
- Toki: I gets punch for laughing?!
- Murderface: Laughing hurts more.
[At a Tribunal meeting.]
- Senator Stampingston: Nathan Explosion is furthering his education. This could have devastating repercussions!
- Dr. Natasha Neshenskanovich: General. America is the dominant force in the world because our great people are dangerous and stupid. Nathan Explosion is a hero to the ignorant. If he seeks higher education, they will start to act as if they're as good as anyone! If the secret gets out that the working class is as smart as the upper crust that runs the world, well, the results would be catastrophic.
[In the Mordhaus library, Nathan gets tutored in algebra by a librarian. Nathan shushes the band for being noisy.]
- Nathan: Now wait, what do you mean five minus x? What is... what is x?
- Mordhaus Librarian: Oh sweetie... it's just algebra.
- Nathan: It's stupid, and it's not even that akikabablel.
- Mordhaus Librarian: Applicable.
- Nathan: [attempts to say applicable repeatedly, but fails] IT'S STUPID!
[The band shushes him.]
[In the train, Toki and Murderface argue about Murderface's misspellings.]
- Toki: But it's wrong!
- Murderface: Hey, I don't care how wrong it is. Just admit it; I'm a great speller and it burns you.
- Toki: You're not a great speller! You got to spell right to be a speller!
- Murderface: So what? A guy hits a home run, but since he's fat it's not a home run? It's gotta be perfect? That's not the point.
- Toki: Now that is the point! THAT - IS - SPELLING!
- Skwisgaar: Ech, they can't helps it, Toki. Not everyone gets the advantage of superior Skanzanavians ekocationen.
- Pickles: 'Kay, name something that's got nothin' ta do with guitar go, go go go go go...
- Skwisgaar: [unable to produce an answer] Oh, dum, dah, uh, oh, um, ah...
- Nathan: I'm ready. I had that uh, "I'm late for class and I'm in my underwear" dream, but - my palms are sweaty and I can't concentrate, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE!
- Murderface: That's anxiety! A-N-X-I-E-T.
[The band is discussing Nathan's test anxiety.]
- Skwisgaar: Um, Nathans? What do yous do, before you're nervous, at a show?
- Murderface: You know what you do...
- Pickles: Yeah, whaddaya you, whaddaya you do? [shakes a bottle of liquor in front of Nathan] What's Nathan do?
- Murderface: Just have a little drink!
- Nathan: That's it! I have a little drink! [starts drinking the entire bottle of liquor]
- Murderface: That's what you do!
[Nathan walks into the testing room and sits down.]
- Nathan: I'm here, uh, to take the GBD.
- Murderface: The only reason I have a high school degree is 'cause of a very special principal, who let me just play bass and drink beer and smoke dope because I told him I'd cut his eyes out if he didn't let me graduate.
- Ofdensen: Nathan! I have your test results.
- Nathan: Aww, you open it, I... I can't stand the pressure.
- Ofdensen: Let's see here, okay, uh... it's a, uh... zero. No questions were answered.
- Nathan: Awww... DAMN! SERIOUSLY?!
- Ofdensen: How could you... not have known that?
- Nathan: Do you think you're better than me?
- Ofdensen: I took the liberty of writing your Harvard commencement speech.
- Nathan: [Still angry] Thanks!
- Nathan: [reading the speech] Harvard... solutions... solutions to you.
- Ofdensen: [whispers to him] Salutations!
[Nathan tosses aside Harvard commencement speech Charles Ofdensen wrote for him.]
- Nathan: I don't need this stupid speech! [looking out at graduates] You think you're smart huh? Think you can come up here and take a piece of this? Huh? Any of you? You? You? Listen, Harvard. I'm a billionaire. And most of you are gonna graduate, and move back in with your parents! I'm gonna tell you somethin', though. We have something in common: we're all gonna die. No matter whatcha' do, no matter whatcha' do with your lives, you're dead! You're dead! You're dying. You're gonna die, all of you, dead. You, dead. You, dead, all of you. You, lady? Your tits will be eaten by maggots, in just a few short years. So here's my message, my message to you, a very simple message: Go forth. Go forth, and DIIIIIE!
- TV Announcer: William Murderface has been on the stage for about 45 minutes. The word is "technicality" and it's his first word of the night. It's kind of an ironic situation when the word is "technicality" and he is technically already out because he used his first letter - "p" - which is uh... not a letter in the word. He decided to, uh... very confidently speak out before the word was finished being said.
- Murderface: Technicality. P-i-s-s, fuck you! [flips off television camera]
[The band lies around, listlessly. Nathan lets out a huge sigh.]
- William Murderface: Can you pass that Prozac shaker? [Pickles hands him shaker]
- Pickles the Drummer: [takes a spoonful from the box of ice cream Murderface is eating] Awww, this is soy ice cream! Skwisgaar!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [responds lethargically] Huuuh?
- Pickles: ...
- Skwisgaar: Maybe I'm not perfect?
- Nathan Explosion: At least you're not the fattest ugliest lead singer alive [holds up magazine cover] with horrible skin!
[Nathan throws magazine down with an obviously doctored image of his face, and the cover reads "Fatsplosion! Is Nathan Letting Himself Go? Talk about Brutal!"]
[Mashed Potato Johnson brings the band to Mississippi, to teach them the blues.]
- Skwisgaar: Aww, it must be 200 degrees. Fuck this shit, I'm taking off my fucking shirt off.
- Pickles: Wha - where are we?
- Mashed Potato Johnson: We in the south! The birth place of the blues.
- Nathan: Well it's too fucking hot! And I'm taking my shirt off!
[Everyone takes off their shirt. Everyone notices that Toki is ripped.]
- Nathan: My GOD, I have let myself go...
- Murderface: You have put on a few pounds lately -
- Nathan: You're, ah, not supposed to agree with me! Dick brain!
- Toki Wartooth: What are we even doing in this horrible microwave? I don't even care nothings about this blouse!
- Nathan: The blues.
- Toki: Yeah. But all I cares about is dark and brutal!
- Johnson: You wanna know dark and brutal? Come with me.
- Johnson: 'Dis here where the blues began. Right here where we standin' Blind Harlan Davenport killed his wife, bury her in that chicken coop right there. That night he recorded "Wife Gone on a Funeral Train Blues." Next mornin', the po-lice shot him in the eye 52 times... [later] This is where Smokey Toe Brown was savagely beaten for sleepin' wif his neighbor's wife, shortly before he recorded "Train Leavin' This Station Blues". They say his ghost come back to life and kill his neighbor, pitchfork his intestines and hung them on a tree... [later] Everybody knows Shorty Turlingtop made a deal wif the devil. He was hit by a train at this exact spot. As his head traveled in the air, he wrote "Blues Train Blues".
- Skwisgaar: Alls they sings about is trains!
- Johnson: Is there anything else really to talk about? Heh heh. Come on...This here's where Mustard Tits the Murder Master Brown slaughtered 22 men just for bein' ugly, heh. He went on to record "Here Come That Train A-Comin' Blues".
[Mashed Potato Johnson brings them out for a blues-giving session.]
- Pickles: Dude, anyone got any SPF? I'm uh, very Irish... American.
- Johnson: Real bluesman get a sun burn! Now go on Nathan, you can give Murderface them blues!
- Nathan: Okay, uh, alright alright. Uh, hey dog-face! Why don't you go... eat some dog food... eat your own throw up cause you're a dog-face!
- Murderface: Jeez, Nathan, you're a lil' below the belt, I guess I really do have a dog-face. Maybe I should throw up and eat it!
- Johnson: Good! Now you're feelin' them blues! You go on now, Murderface!
- Murderface: Okay, uhh, hey uhh thin-lips, uhh, why don't you go uhh, make out with uhh, Glenn Close and uhh, go bring her to the Acadamy Awards, shove it up your fucking ass, that's great!
- Nathan: Maybe you're right. Maybe I should use my crappy thin lips and make out with Glenn Close.
- Johnson: Now Skwisgaar, let's talk about blues guitar.
- Skwisgaar: I only plays metal. Its embarrass for us to even has this grandpas guitars.
- Johnson: That's because you don't know how to make the bluuues sound! Why don't you try to play this?
- [Johnson plays a blues rhythm. Toki and Skwisgaar play nothing close to the rhythm previously played.]
- Johnson: That's close... one more time, try to play this!
- [He plays a different blues sound, Skwisgaar and Toki play it wrong again.]
- Skwisgaar: We can'ts not plays fast, uh, physically.
- Toki: Yeah, it's hards!
- Johnson: Alright, let's try somethin' else.
- [Toki and Skwisgaar get cinder blocks tied to their wrists, making them play slower, after a little playing, their wrists make a sudden movement causing the blocks to swing, and Toki gets hit in the balls.]
- Toki: Oh, I gots the hit in the balls with the train cinder block, right in the balls oh... [keeps complaining in background]
- Johnson: Now you boys come a long way but some of you might not know. Down here in Mississippi, there's evil. The Blues Devil live down here. If you wanna be a real bluesman, you gotta sell your soul to the devil.
- [Johnson and the Dethklok members gather on the road and wait for the Blues Devil, his car appears in the distance as dark clouds gather suddenly and lightning flashes. As he gets out, more lightning flashes.]
- Blues Devil: I understand you wish to bargain your eternal souls for blues fame.
- Murderface: Yeah, uhh, hey uh, fancy pants, we're "Dethklok". We're kinda famous already?
- Pickles: Oh, c'mon, we're supposed to become, uh, you know, uh blues guys. [to the Blues Devil] Sir? Sorry, hey we, uh, wish to "bargain our souls" you know, for whatever.
- Blues Devil: Very well. You understand then that you will have to sign a binding contract. [lightning and thunder]
- Murderface: Well, see, our lawyer is not here.
- Pickles: Well, it's not like we never negotiated a contract before.
- Nathan: [holding up a contract] Hold on! Page four, your language is kinda murky. Well that's gonna have to be re-written, I'm seeing other revisions too, page seven...
- Johnson: This will do just fine!
- Murderface: Dirty worthless hippies!
- Skwisgaar: This guys is way too happy!
- Johnson: Make them wish they was never born! Give the blues!
- Nathan: Somebody slap my sunburned back. [William smacks his back, and yells in agony] I can feel pain again! ...I'm ready!
[All Dethklok members exit the bar, extremely drunk. Nathan holds up key to the Murdercycle, swaying.]
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: [haltingly] Ares - yous - alrights - to drive?
- Pickles the Drummer: Nyeah he's fine...
[William Murderface is in the hospital after colliding into a lamp-post while standing upright on his sidecar on the Murdercycle, skidding on the road with his chin, and having his legs run over by a car. Nathan gives him a present when the band visits.]
- William Murderface: Ohhh... a bass.
- Nathan Explosion: Yeah, I figured... you know, you play bass so uh -
- Murderface: Oh thanks, thank you. Jus' put that over there -
[William drops the bass on a big pile of other bass guitars.]
- Skwisgaar: Hey, ahh, I got yous Ken Burns Civil War documentary. You know, actually, uhh, I think this is yours. I'm just giving it back to you, [sigh] I uh, I never watched it.
- Murderface: Thank you.
- Toki Wartooth: And I got you this. It's two Siamese fighting fish! They loves to pal around, that's why you gets two. Look!
[The Siamese fighting fish battle and rip each other to pieces.]
- Murderface: Yea, I guess I'm lucky to be alive, huh?
[Dramatic music starts.]
- Murderface: I mean am I, do I deserve to be here? Right now?
[Dramatic music ends.]
- Pickles: Oooookay.
- Nathan: AHHHHH! [grabs William by the head and shakes him] I DID THIS TO YOU! [lets go] I was driving the Murdercycle. It should be me there! [dramatic music starts again] Still alive, with all those gifts. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!!!! [punches the wall, which causes a flower pot to fall on William's head] OH GOD, I'M SORRY!
[Murderface is deep in meditation, surrounded by religious icons.]
- Murderface: Mmmmmmm.... Reeeligggion... mmm... reeeeeligiiiiion... mmmmmmmmmm... religggion...
- Skwisgaar: Pffft, this is dildos. Doesn't he knows there's no such things as religion?
- Nathan: You mean you don't believe in God. There is such a thing as religion.
- Skwisgaar: Well prove it! Show me a miracle that religion exists!
- Nathan: Well, uhh, there's a Bible right there.
- Skwisgaar: Well... maybe I re-evaluates my life.
[The band watch a Christian rock band, Prayer Bolt, play.]
- Pickles: Ahh, c'mon, I grew up in the Mid-West, I don't need to see another Christian rock band!
- Nathan: Listen, I almost killed him, he needs our support, just give it a chance, see... it's... it's, it's not so bad. It's uhh, fun?
- Skwisgaar: Oh, there is no God! Just listen to his guitar! Ugh!
- Toki: I gonna go check out this Christian rock mosh pit!
[Toki starts running around the front, elbowing a guy in the face and knocking a couple over. He knocks over wood panel, exposing a sharp piece.]
- Prayer Bolt Lead Singer: Yeah! Praise the lord!
[He stage dives and lands on the wooden spike unwittingly. The crowd gasps]
- Murderface: I've seen enough. Pretty good.
- Toki: [backs away into crowd]
[In a church service.]
- Nathan: What kind of church is this?
- Pickles: This is the, uhh, Church of the Atheists.
- Nathan: Oh, uhh, what does that mean?
- Pickles: Oh, uhh, it means that they don't believe in, uhh, God.
- Nathan: Oh, like Skwisgaar or Toki?
- Skwisgaar: No we are Nihilists, we don't believe in anything.
- Nathan: Can't a Nihilist also not believe in god, too?
- Skwisgaar: Uhhh, I don't know.
- Murderface: Shhh! Quiet!
- Atheist Priest: Oh, God, whom we do not believe in, let us all not pray for you whom does not exist in any rational realm...
[A brick flies though window.]
- Atheist Priest: Oh no, we're being picketed by agnostics!
- Pickles: [informing the band] Agnostics honor the possibility of there not being God.
- Atheist Priest: Get 'em!
- Pickles: They hate each other. This is gonna be awesome.
- Murderface: [peering out the window] Just give me a sign. Show me the path of enlightenment, dear, sweet demilord icon.
- Toki: I don't wants to sounds harsh, but this is gettin' weird. He's been through every religion and he ain't decide on nothing. This kind of thing could really fucks up a band. We mays needs to kicks his ass out.
- Pickles: What do you mean? Why do you say that?
- Toki: Because he's creepy. He's acting likes he's fucking demon-possessed. Look at him!
[Murderface starts licking the window.]
- Skwisgaar: Yah I agree, it always happens. One band member, y'know, becomes religion, and the whole band has to change to accommodate the guy, y'know... the dynamic is all the boom, magic is gone... it sucks, y'know but, uh, yeah I say we kill him.
- Nathan: Aw come on, you dicks, he's the bass player. Without him, we're nothing. Sure, we mix his bass out of pretty much every song, but we need him. [pause] Okay, we really don't need him, but it's my fault he's this way; I guess that's my point!
- Satanic Priest: Greetings you children of Satan. Tonight we will pay homage to our under-lord and make sacrifices unto him, ooookay. But first, a couple of announcements, um, last week, some people left some trash behind, candy wrappers, coffee cups, and empty chip bags. Umm, okay this is a church of Satan, this isn't a waste-paper basket - c-can - so if you could please just remember to clean up after yourselves and we can avoid having, you know, ants, worms, raccoons, hail Satan!
- Crowd: Hail Satan.
- Satanic Priest: Also, uh, the neighbor next door, he's on a real tear, he wants, uh, he tows cars, so uh, try not to park in front of his house, because you car will be towed and that's around $300...$300, hail Satan!
- Crowd: Hail Satan.
- Satanic Priest: Pray now the prayer of revenge. On whom do you seek revenge?
- Toki: I seek revenge on Rachel Ray of the Food Network! Can't you make her... eyes fall out, something? Tits fall off?
- Satanic Priest: Satan! Grant this man the gift of revenge against his foes at the Food Network.
- Toki: Seriously?
- Satanic Priest: Yes.
- Toki: S-seriously?!
- Satanic Priest: Yes.
- Toki: Really?
- Satanic Priest: Yes.
- Toki: [whispers in awe] That's cool.
- "Murderface: "Hey, is there a bar around here? Man, it's all the same! All religion's the same!"
[At a Tribunal meeting.]
- Senator Stampingston: Toki Wartooth is becoming alarmingly popular with children. This is something we are not prepared to deal with. You all know our child control expert, Professor Jerry Gustav Munndig.
- Professor Jerry Gustav Munndig: We must fear children. We have many successful programs in place to silence and control children. But I fear this Toki Wartooth - his natural child-like ways and children's affinity towards him may be our biggest threat yet! Do you remember the sixties?
- General Crozier: Yes. Yes, I do.
- Professor Jerry Gustav Munndig: Well! That was just hippies. Dirty hippies with flowers and mushrooms and acoustic guitars... Can you imagine a whole generation of children raised on... metal?
[A commercial is aired.]
- Football Player: Little Juliette Sarmansadandle - she does not have much time left. With our foundation, she gets one last wish, and what is that sweetie?
- Juliette Sarmansadandle: I want to meet Toki.
[In a Dethklok band meeting room.]
- Charles Ofdensen: Toki, the "Wish For Something" foundation, ah, wants you to be its poster boy - quite an honour... sick and helpless children -
- Toki Wartooth: I pass!
- Ofdensen: I'm sorry?
- Toki: I'm not associating myself with kids.
- Ofdensen: These ones are dying, Toki -
- Toki: Ohh, good.
[The band groans in protest.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Awwwh, c'mon, Toki, you don't mean that -
- Toki: Yes I dos! Dead!
- Ofdensen: All you would have to do is spend a few hours, just talking to children, just -
- Toki: Well how comes I can'ts sits around and drinks like Pickle? How come I can'ts fucking sits around and screws sluts or somesing? But no, you are the cutesy guy, that kids like. You gotta helps people, gets over their problem, fuck that! You dos it!
[Nathan has finished reading the entire works of Shakespeare for a series of Books-on-Tape. Pickles is engineering it, and he is drunk.]
- Pickles: Uh, Nathan... you're gonna kill me, but I totally forgot to press 'Record'. Ahh, but... here's the good news: I'm sorry.
[Nathan tries to scream, but has lost his voice.]
[Toki has been burning up the hallways with his flamethrower. He enters the living room, covered in blood, still wielding his flamethrower.]
- Toki: Yeaaaaaaahhhhhhh, see you in your nightmares, dickweeds, ahhhhhh!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Toki is losing his mind, he is.
- Pickles the Drummer: [drunkenly and incoherently] Yeah, mmyeah, acting weird.
- Murderface: I know. I've never seen him like this, he's turnin' into a real asshole.
- Nathan Explosion: [has lost his voice] Can we kick him out of the band?
- Pickles: Woah, woah, woah, woah, ooh... okay, alright, relax... here's what you do... he sleeps, sack, bar of soap, bang bang bang! Brain damage, corn field, gun, pow [makes sound of gun], funeral...
- Skwisgaar: Oh I, thats mays bes a littles toos hards fors mes tos handle.
- Pickles: [quietly] Well, fire him then!
- Murderface: Ahhh, maybe you're right. Looks like I'll have to cancel Planet Piss, DAMN IT!
- Pickles: Why?
- Skwisgaar: Ja, why?
- Murderface: Well, because, too emotional and - I'll probably have to cancel it, awh darn!
- Ofdensen: If you really want to fire Toki, I can begin processing the paperwork, but before we do that, I ah, I might have plan.
- Ofdensen: That little sick girl is here to see you.
- Toki: [harsh voice] Tell her to go die!
- Ofdensen: Well she is dying.
- Toki: Gooooood!
[Juliette Sarmansadandle, the terminally ill little girl who requested to see Toki, waits in their living room, coughing violently, surrounded by the band.]
- Pickles: Aw geez. Hey hey hey, can I get you some tequila?
- Nathan: [still lost his voice] Don't be sad, little girl. One day you're gonna grow up, and you're gonna be big... oh wait, nevermind. Sorry.
[After Toki sees the DVD Juliette made for him, he comes to his senses.]
- Toki: Little girls wait! Wait! I, I sorry! I's all screwed up inside! I was selfish, a selfish idiot! But now I know, how wrongs I was. I have all the times in the worlds for you now! So please, comes back with me. [turns the wheel chair around to reveal a dead little girl] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHE'S DEAD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! SHE'S DEAD! SHE'S DEAD! OH NO! OH NO, OH NO! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! SHE'S DEAD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GO! OH MY GOD! I KILLED HER! I KILLED THE LITTLE-
[He continues screaming and hears voices, hallucinating, including seeing Juliette rotting with maggots eating her flesh and hearing her saying "I'm dead! You killed me! I'm dead because of you!"]
- [Toki and Dr. Rockso sneak into the Mordhaus after joyriding and drinking in Murderface's car. Dr. Rockso sits on the couch and slips a hand into Murderface's pocket to return the keys. Murderface awakens and glares at Rockso]
- Dr. Rockso: [whispers] I do cocaine.
- [Murderface yells in outrage, and Dr. Rockso yells along gleefully.]
[The band and their manager, Ofdensen, gather to lecture Toki.]
- Pickles the Drummer: Toki, what were you thinkin?! Hanging out with clowns?!
- Nathan Explosion: Why didn't you call us?! You've got a cellphone! Why didn't you use it? Where were -
- Pickles: You're going out all night with guns, and ya know, guns... y'know, they're cool so... What am I saying here?
- Dr. Rockso: Back off jack-off, it wasn't his fault.
- Pickles: You shut up!
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: I gives that clowns a little of bit of a smack.
[Skwisgaar slaps Dr. Rockso.]
- Toki Wartooth: Hey, that's my friend!
- Skwisgaar: Your friend ha. Drunks driving before a tour! Shooting ze guns, huh?
- Nathan: Yeah, he's not a real friend.
- Pickles: Dick!
- Skwisgaar: What kinds of a friends takes on such a godless endeavor? What if you hurt your pinky finger huh? No more tour.
- Nathan: Yeah. What if you hurt your hands?
- Pickles: Yeah, you're being a selfish prick.
- William Murderface: ...I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's... that's what I did today.
- Nathan: Yeah, what the fuck, Toki? There's no such things as clowns.
- Toki: Aww come on, how come I can't have a friend who's a clown? He makes me laugh, ha ha ha!
- Skwisgaar: ....We care about you!
- Nathan: I should be asleep right now. This is a waste of time.
- Pickles: He smells like piss.
- Toki: It's metal to like clowns.
- Everybody Else: No, it's non-metal.
- Murderface: Don't try to tell us it's metal because it's not. We know that trick.
- Toki: Clowns are, statistically, the most hated of all creatures.
- Skwisgaar: Statisticallies or not, but, uh, just don'ts likes this guy.
- Charles Ofdensen: Okay, it's late. Let's just all calm down and discuss this in the morning. May we offer you a ride home?
- Dr. Rockso: Um-hmmm.
- Toki: Okay, calls you later.
- Ofdensen: [talking to Klokateer] Give him whatever he wants. [whispers] Put the boots to him, medium style.
- General Crozier: His name is Dr. Rockso, he's the rock and roll clown. He does cocaine. I'm afraid that's all we know.
[At band rehearsal.]
- Nathan: Hey, you sound like crap, Murderface, what's wrong with you?
- Murderface: I just can't seem to get comfortable. I ran out of clean underwear so I'm wearing a bathing suit.
- Nathan: Bathing suit?
- Murderface: What am I gonna do, not wear underwear?
- Pickles: Yeah, it's called freeballing.
- Nathan: Yeah, I mean I only wear underwear only about... [counts on his fingers] 65% of the time, honestly, otherwise I'm just freeballing.
- Murderface: That's... Really?
- Skwisgaar: Oh ja, in Sweden , underwears is y'know, the kinky stuff, worn as a fetish ja, but you know the exciting sexual stuff? is always freeballing.
- Murderface: Freeballing huh? Well, I'll give it a try.
[Later, Murderface's performance improves drastically.]
- Murderface: Wow - I feel pretty good, this freeballing's amazing.
- General Crozier: You'll be paid to gather whatever you can with this camera in your hat. And no fucking around, got that candy nose?
- Dr. Rockso: Oh, you just keep that cabbage coming, daddy-o, and Dr. Rockso's gonna get you what you want, the way you want it. Now which one of you humps, got a cigarette for Dr. Rockso?
- General Crozier: Just calm down and be careful. And watch out for this guy. [holds up picture of Charles Ofdensen, the band manager.] He means business. Stay away from him.
- Dr. Rockso: .... I do cocai -
- General Crozier: [holds a hand up] Yes, I know. [to the guards] Makes sure no one sees you taking him out of here.
- General Crozier: [mutter] Rock and roll clown...
[In the living room, where the band is in the hot tub, and Toki is playing on a Dance Dance Revolution machine.]
- Skwisgaar: You actuallies been playing ze, almost the bass that can be listens to lately, Murderface, y'know, maybes we even turns it up on the next album.
- Nathan: Yeah, what's wrong?
- Murderface: I think it's this freeballing. Pickles, I can not thank you enough. If only the whole world freeballed - no wonder those Arabs're wearing their dresses.
- Skwisgaar: Freeball.
[The door bell rings.]
- Toki: Oh, that's Dr. Rockso. Yeah, I invites him over. No big deal.
- Skwisgaar: Oh, no, Toki! You don'ts have to always compensates, alright, we pays more attentions to you.
- Toki: Screw that psychological mambo-jambo, I just likes to laugh, ha ha!
- Nathan: Hey don't run, it's wet! I thought we agreed, no clowns!
- Toki: No, we didn't agreed on nothing, we just all yelled and then he was beaten, thats was our conclusions.
- Nathan: Aw, damn, I don't want that asshole around here.
- Skwisgaar: Oh boy, gets readies for a lots of screamings.
- Murderface: Normally, that painted dildo would piss me off, but lately, I've made friends with a distinguished old gentleman sitting on two duffle bags. I'm free, downstairs. Think about it.
- Dr. Rockso: K-K-K-K-K-K-YEAH! IT'S ME DR. ROCKSO, THE ROCK AND ROLL CLOWN!
- Toki: Ha ha ha! [laughs] I just cracks up every time!
[The band mumbles.]
- Nathan: Well wipe your feet before you come in here?
- Dr. Rockso: Hey business man, what you do for a living, sell shoes? K-K-YEAH...
- Ofdensen: May I have a short word with you?
- Dr. Rockso: Oh yeah, you are short. Ohhhhhh yeah.
- Toki: Ha ha, he is short.
- Murderface: Ha.
- Skwisgaar: Yowza.
- Ofdensen: Well, ah, Rockso, Toki really seems to like you, a great deal. So our home is your home.
- Dr. Rockso: OH! MI CASA, SU CASA BA-BABY!
- Ofdensen: Yes, but just remember, stay in the main room, and I, need you to sign this confidential agreement, and pain waiver.
- Dr. Rockso: What if I don't want to?
- Ofdensen: Try me...
[A long pause ensues, both glaring at each other.]
- Dr. Rockso: Aww come on, Rockso's just pu-pulling your ch-ch-chain! You did have my ass beat though. That shit hurts.
- Ofdensen: Well, just stay in the main room, and we'll be fine. Have fun.
- Dr. Rockso: Who wants to watch a rock-sclusive Dr. Rockso music video?
- Toki: Oh me, this gots to be hilarious.
- Nathan: I'd rather die then watch your fucking video, how 'bout that?
- Dr. Rockso: Oh I caught that! But that's okay, Dr. Rockso forgives ya. Now, I'm gonna show you boys that you're not the only ones that know how to rock. This one was banned from Music Television because you can see my junk... through my jumpsuit.
- Murderface: I believe that is what is known as... freeballing.
- Dr. Rockso: It's called "I'm Just A Rock And Roll Clown."
[Dr. Rockso slips into Ofdensen's office and cracks the safe open while the band is distracted by his video.]
- Ofdensen: Find something interesting in there, did you?
[Dr. Rockso pulls out gun and points it at Ofdensen, shaking from having too much cocaine.]
- Ofdensen: Easy Rockso, easy. Don't you think you might have had a little too much cocaine?
- Dr. Rockso: [voice wavering] Back off, man. Leave me alone.
[Meanwhile, in the living room - ]
- Murderface: [hearing a shot being fired] Hey, that's my driving gun! [stands up]
- Pickles: Hey, you're not supposed to wear clothes in the hot tub.
- Murderface: I'm freeballing.
- Dr. Rockso: [dashes by] K-K-K-K-K-YEAH!
[The window smashes as he jumps out, and gunshots are heard.]
- Toki: I told you he was funny.
[Ofdensen stops the Klokateers about to pursue Dr. Rockso.]
- Ofdensen: Wait... See where he goes.
- [At a concert, after performing 'Castratikron'.]
- Female Fans: Nathan! Nathan! Can you get us back stage, we'll make it worth your while. We'll totally suck your hog. Please, Nathan! Nathan! Yeah, we'll totally gang bang you. All of us will. Nathan! Nathan! Cut our faces off. Cut my arms off.
- Nathan Explosion: Uhhhh... I - I - can't.
- Female Fans: What's he saying? What's he saying?
- Nathan: I can't. I... have a girlfriend now.
- [Crowd emits a noise of shock.]
- Female Fans: [shrieking] Noooooo!
- Pickles the Drummer: She's probably keeping watch, like a hawk.
- William Murderface: Yeah, it's another judgemental bird-face band-wrecker.
- Nathan: What?
- Murderface: What? Nothing, god you're paranoid. Oh, there's my drink, over there, gotta go!
- Horace Marvingblad Wimplestein, Jr.: Gentlemen, have you heard of the United States Pornography Awards?
- General Crozier: I've read reports.
- Horace Marvingblad Wimplestein, Jr.: This is the biggest adult film event of the year, and I believe that if we can involve Dethklok in participating, then we may have a chance at tempting Nathan Explosion and tearing his relationship apart.
- General Crozier: I feel that this would work better if I was there, at the Pornography Awards.
- Senator Stampingston: Perhaps I should go, too.
- Cardinal Ravenwood: I feel that I should be there, too.
- Tribunal Member: I want to go, too.
- Mr. Salacia: No. You are not allowed to go.
- Charles Ofdensen: So, you've been cordially invited to host at the United States Pornography Awards...
- [The bands, except Nathan, cheers.]
- Ofdensen: Not the uh, most distinguished event, I advise we pass. Moving on, we have a -
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Fuck that, I'm going.
- Pickles: Yeah, what are you, a eunuch? Sign us up!
- Ofdensen: They're not paying you, and you'd lose money.
- Toki Wartooth: So, fuck that, I pay them for this! I just wants to make out withs thems beautiful goils...
- Ofdensen: Well, uh... financially speaking, you -
- Murderface: Hey, listen, eh, "Mr. Numbers", uh, sometimes you gotta just do something because your heart tells ya it's the right thing to do...
- Skwisgaar: Gots to listen to your hearts...
- Toki: Now signs us up! Naked ladies, oh wowie!
- Pickles: It's unanimous!
- [The band, sans Nathan, at practice.]
- Skwisgaar: I'ms gettings worrieds. United States Pornography Awards in two days and Nathan hasn't been to rehearsal.
- Murderface: That's ladies for you, they rob you of your very essence! They're SOUL MURDERERS!
- Skwisgaar: They're not goods enough for hims! I hates her! Yets... I would totally do's her.
- Toki: Yeah, me too. So strange, is this mind of men...
- Skwisgaar: [philosophically] Yeah, my little friend... we are... so evolved, yet out animalistic inskinks always remind us of who we really are.
- Toki: [conclusively] Mens are the beasts... and womens... the demons of the nights...
- [Nathan enters.]
- Skwisgaar: Hey! You feeling all right?
- Murderface: [clearly excited] Aw, did she break up with you?
- Nathan: No. But I have some bad news... I can't go to the United States Pornography Awards... I'm not allowed.
- Pickles: Dude, but if you can't go, then we can't play and...[babbles] We can't go! We can't go!!!
- Nathan: I'm sorry...
- Toki: I wanted to kiss the girls!
- Pickles: I want to die...
- Skwisgaar: WHHHYYYYY?!
- Nathan: You don't understand, she won't let me!
- Murderface: Your relationship is messing with our lives! Our lives!
- [The band tries to torture sense into Nathan.]
- Skwisgaar: Your attitude is unacceptable. Why do you like that lady?
- Pickles: Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog! Aroooo!
- Nathan: Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.
- Murderface: You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?!
- Nathan: I DON'T KNOW!
- Murderface: Toki?
- [Toki tasers Nathan.]
- Nathan: It's the most brutal thing ever. It's not like regular hate. It's so much more black. If she were a street gang I'd fucking go to war with her with bottles and chains. But this is different. There's nothing I can do.
- [At the United States Pornography Awards.]
- Skwisgaar: And the awards for the best use of a dildo...
- Pickles: On "Golden Dildo"...
- Murderface: Dildo-dildo-a-rooney-roo!
- Toki: "Kissing Lips, the kissing dildo"...
- Nathan: And the award goes to "Dildo Team Task Force Z".
[A TV show, Dating Penelope.]
- Penelope: Now be nice to this one daddy, I'm sick of you scaring all my dates away!
- Penelope's Father: Well, if they can't stand the heat, I don't want them near your kitchen! [studio laughter]
- Penelope: I don't even know what that means!
- Penelope's Father: Well what does this guy do anyway?
- Penelope: He works at this place, the morgue? [studio laughter]
- Penelope's Father; Well, at least your mother will like him! [studio laughter]
- Penelope: What?
- Penelope's Father: Ummm, people must be dying to work with him! [studio laughter]
[The door bell rings, and Penelope's father goes to the door]
- Penelope's Father: Morgue, huh? This one might not scare so easily. [opens the door]
[Applause and cheers sound, William Murderface stands at the door holding half a dog, with the intestines slipping out.]
- William Murderface: [indignantly] Do you think that a driveway is a funny place for a dog to sleep?! [studio laughter]
[Consuela approaches, stirring in a pot. The dog twitches.]
- Murderface: Uh, this isn't your dog... is it? [studio laughter]
- Senator Stampingston: It seems that Dethklok has decided to become professional actors. Gentlemen, our resident acting expert, Dr. Chaz Fazzledoctinhoffer. Dr. Chaz.
- Dr. Chaz Fazzeldoctinhoffer: This whole Dethklok acting business concerns me! We've gone to great lengths to control movies and blend them together with television into one bland, lifeless face that the humanoid public can nourish off of.
- General Crozier: You think Dethklok could really have an impact on the movie industry?
- Dr. Chaz Fazzeldoctinhoffer: What Dethklok does for the news awakens the imagination of the public! They have... charisma... They have... it! They have... zazz...
- General Crozier: Supposing they do make a successful movie, what's the worst case scenario?
- Dr. Chaz Fazzeldoctinhoffer: Independent thought return, creative control goes back to the artists, actors become smart and cool again, movies become thoughtful, endings become hard to figure out, people go to theaters and... interact with each other...
- Senator Stampingston: And become entirely harder to control...
- General Crozier: The domino effect...
[Trailer for the movie: Blood Ocean]
- Narrator: In a world with no laws, the planets are being pillaged by space vikings. Their lives are secret to a swords fathers maker who knows the identity of a serial killer.
- William's Character: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!
- Narrator: And the oil rig where the haunted crypt of Maming Dalafalalao lies...
- Toki's Character: [running in fear] NOOOOOOO!!!!
- Narrator: And the love where it happened at...
- Nathan's Character: [sinking in blood] SPACE ODIN...
- Narrator: BLOOD OCEAN!
[scenes of action show]
- Narrator: Coming soon...BLOOD OCEAN.
- William's Character: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!
- Narrator: BLOOD OCEAN.
[The movie premiere for Blood Ocean, the movie starring Dethklok.]
- Nathan's Character: Blood. An ocean of blood. I wondered how many blood drops of blood there are in this blood ocean. I wondered how much is in... in a drop. I wondered, how I - let's just say there are possibly...
- Murderface's Character, a police officer: I am just a cop. A cop who happens to be a serial killer. How did I get here in this blood ocean? I guess it all started a long time ago, far away from here...
- Skwisgaar's Character, a Space Viking: [a voice over] Our planet is in search of blood. It will have to be a whole ocean of blood.
- Skwisgaar: Whats the hells, that isn't hows I sound!
- Pickles Character: [in a very high voice; sounds like he is either drunk or high] I'm torn between my evil desires and the quest for justice in earth -
- Nathan's Character: ...Take this, and multiply by the volume of the water in the ocean, 'cause it's blood, a blood ocean, and the water... I found, I found it out, there's trillions of gallons -
[Outside the cinema.]
- Nathan: Oh what the fuck, what a piece of shit.
- Murderface: Was I more fat, or was I more stupid-looking? My god I'm hideous.
- Skwisgaar: Who's was thats voice?
- Pickles: It didn't even make sense! [to Ofdensen] You, do whatever it takes, that piece of crap ain't comin' out!
- Toki: Aw, nots even ons D Vee D?
[The band tells him to shut up.]
- James Grishnack: Hello boys, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
- Pickles: Mr. Grishnack, that movie cannot come out. It's crap!
- Grishnack: Now don't be drastic, this happens all the time. We just happened to make another, what you call in this business, a real piece o' shit!
- Murderface: So you're not going to release it...
- Grishnack: Normally, a movie like this, I'd just, I'd just eat it and it would die, but since it's you, oh yeah, we're gonna put this out, and it's gonna make the money back. I don't care if it's gonna ruin your careers, I'm making my money back. It's Dethklok in a movie.
- Nathan: That's our reputation you're messing with, Grishnack!
- Grishnack: Alright, dildoes, listen up! I've been fucking over fathead celebrities since you were all shitting in diapers! Now, this movie, it's a 500 million dollar shit sandwich, and you're all gonna take a bite and you're gonna smile cause you love how it tastes! Got it? Now you go out there, your-your adoring public... I wrote all the reviews! Nobody knows what a good movie is anymore! Just shut up and smile! Remember: shit sandwich, tastes great! Now go!
The Metalocalypse Has Begun (1.20)
- Charles Ofdensen: Gentlemen. You've been receiving death threats from some of your fans.
- Pickles the Drummer: So they're gonna die?
- Ofdensen: No, Pickles, they're threatening to kill you.
- Pickles: That... that's a different thing!
- Ofdensen: Yes. Before the show, we should do a couple of safety briefings, I've outlined a very specific -
- Nathan Explosion: Right, well, anything else?
- Ofdensen: Any new ideas for the Dethmerch? I remember you all complaining that you were sick of -
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: Oh. Ja. Guys. Ares you ready? Dis is it.
- William Murderface: Here's the new merch!
- Skwisgaar: Dis is... times travels face bag.
[The band puts black plastic bags over their heads.]
- Ofdensen: Time... travel... face bag, am I saying that right? Looks like you have uh, some plastic bags. What are you doing?
- Nathan: [voice muffled through the bag] We're traveling through time.
- Toki Wartooth: Yeah, you put the face bag on and travel through time!
- Murderface: [removes the bag] Dear God! You, boy in the street! What day is it?
- Pickles: It is Wed - It's Friday! It's Friday!
- Murderface: I must have traveled through time itself!
- Nathan: We've uh, figured out how to travel through time at the speed of... regular time, with plastic bags.
- General Crozier: Kill 'em all.
[Toki and Skwisgaar's Penta-pods crash-land in a forest.]
- Skwisgaar: What in the fucking names of Odin?!
- Toki: What the hell was that?
[Both emerge from their Penta-pods.]
- Skwisgaar: Dude, where are we's? What the fuck we just flies in? ...What the hell was wrong with your guitar sounds tonight?
- Toki: The hells that supposed to mean, it sounded great!
- Skwisgaar: Nope. Sounds dildos. Agains.
- Pickles: Dude, it was a fan attack! That's what Ofdensen warned us about!
- Nathan: Why do fans, feel that they have to do that? I mean what, to get noticed?
- Murderface: I know, there's so many nice kids out there, and just a couple of them gotta attack you? Spoils it for everyone!
- Nathan: I know. Sad... Sad for them.
- Pickles: It is sad! It's sad for them!
- Murderface: It's pathetic, it just makes me feel sorry for them, that's all.
- Pickles: Oh, must be a rescue team. Hey guys, DOWN HERE!
[Pickles, Nathan and Murderface are surrounded by soldiers loading their guns.]
- Pickles: IT'S US, DETHKLOK, STRANDED OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
- Murderface: Oh, I hope they brought some fuckin' food!
- Nathan: I feel like eating cheese. Like, really fancy cheese, what's the name of that cheese, Renoir?
- Pickles: Yeah, I could do that. Maybe a little Kool-Aid of, you know... of the, you know, the grape, persuasion...
- Nathan: That's what I'm talkin' about!
[A soldier fires sleep-gas canisters at them, which begin to leak gas immediately at their feet.]
- Murderface: Oh look, firecrackers!
- Nathan: Oh, let's steal them!
- Murderface: I remember when I was a child -
[Nathan, Murderface, and Pickles immediately fall asleep and begin to snore.]
- Skwisgaar: I'm just sayings I can hears you guitars ringing out in my monitor mix, yous are half-assing!
- Toki: [offended] How dare you! I'm sellin' it - You - I'm kicking ass! You just stand there! [makes a noise] Just boring! I'm rocking it every -
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, well that's the expense of sloppys playing. You see Toki -
[A tree to their left suddenly explodes; Toki and Skwisgaar immediately freeze.]
- Toki: Dat's weird!
[The assassin, Agent 216's brother, locates Skwisgaar and Toki.]
- Assassin: [aiming handguns at Toki and Skwisgaar] It's time to die!
- Skwisgaar: I will seesk you in Valhalska.
- Toki: ... I've always hated you, Skwisgaar...
- Skwisgaar: I knows, Toki... I knows.
[Ofdensen appears and shoots a gun into the sky behind the Assassin.]
- Ofdensen: That's my bread and butter you're fucking with.
[On the battlefield, amid the corpses.]
- General Crozier: It's time.
- Cardinal Ravenwood: No! We must-a pray first! Or it will be devastating!
- General Crozier: Do it. Now.
- Cardinal Ravenwood: Pater noster, qui es in caelis, sanctificetur -
[Mr. Salacia suddenly appears in the fog.]
- Mr. Salacia: You have betrayed me!
[He kills the five remaining soldiers by exploding their heads telekinetically.]
- Mr. Salacia: [to Cardinal Ravenwood] Be blind.
[Ravenwood's eyes explode, and his intestines prolapse through his mouth and wrap around his neck.]
- General Crozier: What are you doing?!
- Mr. Salacia: You I need alive. Sleep.
[Crozier falls to the ground unconscious.]
- Mr. Salacia: [to the unconscious Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface] We will meet again.
[Salacia and Crozier disappear as Toki, Skwisgaar and Ofdensen arrive to the others as they awaken.]
- Ravenwood: [hoarsely, as he is dying] The Metalocalypse has begun...
- The President: It pains me that I do not have the ability to bring Dethklok back to the public. Therefore, I give you this. [pulls out a shotgun and shoots himself in the mouth, and begins gurgling.]
- Ofdensen: Gentlemen, I have the recording schedules right here, you'll see that we need to get started on the new record pretty soon, so- [Dethklok is not paying any attention to him, the only sound is William's knife on a plate] uh... nothin'?
- Pickles: Can you just at least ask us how we're doing, or something? you know, before you start with all this...robotic crap? I mean am I wrong?-
- William: Yeah you're all like, "Here's the schedule and now get to work you ugly humps!" Ugly humps?
- Pickles: You're like a robot. You're like an...emotionless robot.
- Nathan: Yeah. He is a robot.
- Skwisgaar: Robot.
- Nathan: You're a robot.
- William: Robots are not to be trusted.
- Ofdensen: Okay, fine, uh. How are...all of you?
- Skwisgaar: Hows ares wes? WES IN THE MIDDLE OF HAVINGS A FUCKING DINNERS MEAL! DATS HOWS WE AM!
- Nathan: Toki you may clear the table, when you feel that it's time.
- Toki: Any of you guys mind if I mace this stupid turkey?
- Pickles: Awww, go ahead. I don't want no more.
- Toki: OH YEAH! [maces the turkey with a device attached to his crotch] Take that you stupid turkey! Right in you face!
- Ofdensen: Uhhh...I'm sorry, what is that?
- Toki: Oh this a Pelvic Thrust Mace Belt.
- Nathan: Don't you take away my ability to have tantrums! Alright? That you cannot have! Alright?! YOU ROBOT!
- Ofdensen: I... must say I have never seen you this reclusive and moody before. But, there must be something we can do to get you guys back out there playing shows.
- Toki: Well what of the fans out there who wanna kill us?
- Ofdensen: Well there won't be. I have a proposal, I think you'll be interested in since your concern with security has increased. A number of criminals are to be executed soon, and the prison system has asked you to perform at this execution because-
- Nathan: Nooooo. Pass.
- Ofdensen: And they want you to pick how they're executed.
- Nathan: AWWWWWWWW, AWWWWWWWWWW! DARN, THAT'S AWESOME! THAT'S REALLY AWESOME!
- Ofdensen: Is this, uh, something you would, uh, consider, doing?
- Nathan: [throws his bottle] URRRRR!!!!!!! YEAH! BUT IT'S GOTTA BE REALLY FUCKING BRUTAL!
- Charles: You wanted to, talk to me ?
- Murderface: Oh yeah. Sit down.
- Charles: No, thank you. I'll stand.
- Nathan: Oh, We, We we wanted to say we're sorry. There. [chuckles] There you go. Get outta here.
- Charles: You're sorry for... releasing dangerous criminals back into the streets ?
- Nathan: No... about calling you a robot.
- Toki: You're not a robot.
- Nathan: No, you're not a robot.
- Toki: Not a robot.
- Murderface: No you are not... and we know that must have made you feel bad.
- Charles: Mm hmm.
- Skwisgaar: Ands listens you's the bests butler we's ever had so we no wants yous to quit.
- Charles: I'm uh, not a butler... Nevermind. That's all then?
- Pickles: That's it. I mean, uh, we're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever ...
- Charles: You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?
- Pickles: Heheh - no, that was a happy accident. Eeehh.
- Ofdensen: Oh, and remember, start thinking about that new record.
- Murderface: ROBOT!
- Senator Stampingston: Gentlemen, it appears that Dethklok...IS BACK.
[Toki is playing a guitar solo on stage during a performance, missing notes. Skwisgaar storms over to Toki's amplifier and unplugs his guitar.]
- Skwisgaar: Hey! Whats the hells you doings right now?
- Toki: Why its gots to be about you? Whats about my guitar playings?
- Skwisgaar: Heh, Whats about it, you know?
- Toki: I’m the guitarist too, Skwisgaar! Sometimes you forget. I wants to play the scales and the notes and everything likes you! But you don’ts lets me, YOU DON’TS LETS ME!!
- Skwisgaar: You're totallys attacking me right now!
- Toki: HE’S HOLDING ME BACKS EVERYBODY!! I’M A GUITARIST TOO!!! [throws down his guitar, and walks off.] You know it!
- Ofdensen: It should be clear at this point that Toki is concerned about his role in the band.
- Nathan: What do you mean? He's, he's the rhythm guitar player, am I right?
- Ofdensen: Yes, he, is, but he's been complaining that he doesn't get enough spotlight. And it's become apparent, uh, in the media. Take a look at that. [throws magazine down that reads "Will Toki go to War for More Notes?"]
- Pickles: What does he care? He don't even practice or nothin'. He doesn't write. He just shows up. That guy doesn't do anything!
- Nathan: HEY! He makes sandwiches alright?
- William: I make sandwiches.
- Nathan: WHOA! THAT GUY DOESN'T DO ANYTHING!
- Ofdensen: Well, uh, he is a band member, so try to, be nice to him.
- William: [contemptuously] HEY HEY! Why don't you just uhhh, why don't you just get out of here and let the big boys deal with this one. Or maybe just write it down in that stupid little book, you know, you file away with all receipts for your lollipops and your pretzels, idiot.
- Ofdensen: [offended] Uhh... excuse me?
- William: I'm just messing with you, man! [snickers]
- Ofdensen: You uh, sure about that?
- William: [ingenuinely]] Yeah, just pallin' around. Just being a little dick, you know.
- Ofdensen: Fine then, good day. [leaves]
- Pickles: Wow you are a DICK!
- Nathan: Yeah you've got it down to a science!
- William: You notice how I'm not mad. He gets mad. That's being a dick.
- Nathan: It's amazing just to be able to manipulate like that. Wow! What a gift!
- Pickles: How do you just turn it on like that?
- William: Well, it, it takes years boys. I mean- Pickles, you got something on your shirt right there. [puts a finger on his shirt]
- Pickles: I do? [looks down and William punches him]
- William: Blammo!
- Pickles: ...Ow.
- Nathan: Whoa...what a dick.
- Skwisgaar: Oh Toki, its adorables, you really wants to takes more solos, but I am the lead guitarist, you know, why? because I ams, hows do you says, way more gooders than you.
- Toki: Dat's why I needs me a piano teacher!
- Skwisgaar: You mean guitar teacher.
- Skwisgaar: Looks looks, I give you guitar lesson huh? Takes you under my flippers, huh?
- Toki: Wes not goes downs that dusty roads again!
- Skwisgaar: What do you mean?
[flashback to a guitar lesson from Skwisgaar]
- Skwisgaar: Okay Toki, plays mes a harmonic minor scales in the key of uh, D.
- Toki: Oh, like this. [plays a single note]
- Skwisgaar: [suddenly] WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! [pulls a chord that sends a bucket of blood on Toki's head and they fight.]
[Back to present.]
- Toki: You not a great teacher, Skwisgaar.
- Skwisgaar: Permits me to disagree.
- Toki: Stupid, Dumb, Dildo, Jack-off, Jerk, Tits, Ass! [stops] What's this? *Gasps* [sees a flyer that reads: Guitar Lessons from Guitar Master! All styles!- Contact: Dimneld Selftcark. Toki rips a piece of paper from the flyer. He reads the name aloud.] Dim..neld..Selft..cark...
[At Dimneld’s house. Dimneld is playing on his guitar.]
- Toki: *Gasps* Yous, amazings!
- Guitar Teacher: Yeah, I guess I am, huh?
- Toki: Gots to have lessons from you!
- Guitar Teacher: Show me what you can do.
- Toki: Oh yeah! [Looks around.] Oh no.
- Guitar Teacher: Where’s your guitar, boy?
- Toki: Thinks I lefts it at the Urban Outfitters.
- Guitar Teacher: Hmm…Can I be honest with you? I don’t think you got it kid. I don’t think you got the discipline. To be great, it takes lots of practice, and you either got that fire in your belly, or you don’t.
- Toki: But I dos! I dos! Looks, I needs my own guitar identitys. You gots to help me, Mr. Selftcark!
- Guitar Teacher: Only, if you promise me you’ll go all the way. No short-cuts. No bull. All, or nothin’!
- Toki: You gots the deal!
- Senator Stampingston: It appears as if certain members of Dethklok are taking music lessons. Allow me to officially introduce Vater Orlaag, political and spiritual specialist.
- Vater: Having two guitarists in the same band is potentially destructive by itself but when one attempts to take away the other's status, HA HA God help us. The clashing of these egos is like two warrior titans, it's like Clash of the Titans! [no response] Clash...of the Titans.
- Murderface: [Natahn, Murderface and Pickles are outside Skwisgaars room] Okay you two, being a dick takes a lot of work. The objective guys, is to drive somebody crazy.
- Pickles & Nathan: Yeah, alright.
- Murderface: Skwisgaar's in there practicing away, let's drive him crazy. Follow my lead, and try to keep up...
[they enter Skwisgaar's room; Skwisgaar is facing them playing his guitar]
- Murderface: [in a very high pitched voice] So uh...sound like Toki's really gettin' going over there with at new guitar teacher!
- Pickles: [also high pitched] Yeah, I went by his room...dude. He was doing stuff on that guitar I wwas like, 'What? I ain't never heard nothin' like that!'
- Murderface: [still high pitched] I was like, 'Are you speeding up a tape with a guitar solo on there?!'
- Nathan: [very robotic in his voice] I-was-like-that-too! But-then-I-found-out-that-he-was-not!
- Murderface: [high pitched] No, he wasn't! He was reall doin' it!
- Pickles: [high pitched] Hey- OH HI, SKWISGAAR!
- Skwisgaar: [has stopped playing and has been listening to them] So he's getting prettys good, huh?
- Murderface: [normal voice] Yes, he's getting quite good.
- Skwisgaar: If you don't minds, I maybe wants to bes by myself for a second?
[Murderface, Pickles, and Nathan leave]
- Skwisgaar: [muffled through the door] NOOOOOOOOO!
- Guitar Teacher: You remembered my birthday. Gimmie a hug. I can't Believe you remembered my birth- [coughs]
- Toki: Just my way of saying thanks. Just...my way of saying...thanks.
[Skwisgaar barges in through the door]
- 'Skwisgaar: [livid] IS DIS HIMS?! DIS PIECE OF TRASH?! DAT'S WHAT YOU ARE, YOU KNOW DAT? YOU LIVES INSIDES A GARBAGE CAN!
- Toki: SKWISGAAR! NO! HE'S LIKE A FATHER-FRIEND!
- Skwisgaar: Oh yeah? Dis garbage can? Right here? Dat your friend-father? Well, It's either hims, or the band.
- Toki: Whats are you saying?
- Skwisgaar: I hears by performs citizens ban-firing affective NNNNNNNOW!!
- Toki: AWW! YOU CAN'TS DO THAT! YOU NEEDS TO PRESENT IT TO THE BAND CONGRESS FIRST TO GETS THE TWO-THIRDS VOTE!
- Skwisgaar: I wills begins the paper work! Good day!
- Ofdensen: I can not, in good faith, sign off on this citizen's firing.
- Skwisgaar: Why nots?
- Ofedensen: Because, uh, some of the other band mates neglected to vote.
- Muderface: I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Voting sucks!
- Pickles: I was actually the president of the voting-sucks club in high school.
- Nathan: Oh yeah? How'd that go?
- Pickles: Well, I never got re-elected.
- Murderface: Get 'er done!
- Nathan: You know it!
- Ofdensen: Well, Toki, I don’t know what to say. Either you work this out with Skwisgaar, or you’ll have a bigger decision to make.
- Toki: No, I nots works its out! [leaves the room.]
- Skwisgaar: See? See! Right there! I can’ts even talks to him! He’s unrationals!
- Ofdensen: Well..there you go.
- Murderface: [enters Skwisgaar's room] Hey, uh Skwisgaar? That whole 'Toki getting good ting?' Just kidding, all a lie. See ya'. [leaves fast]
- Toki: Thanks you. And nows, I demonstrates the name of the string. Dis one i-is an E. And uh, Dere’s another E, heres, and the G, and the P, and the C. Those are what’s called, the fret. [gets nervous] Dat’s, Dat’s not a string, but its, its near the string and- uh, nevermind dat, lets..play the scale, dat’s the major scales on the guitars, string, [heart beats faster.] No! I can’ts dos this!
- Guitar Teacher: What? What’s wrong?
- Toki: Can’ts do this anymore master, I can’ts take more piano lessons!
- Guitar Teacher: You mean guitar?
- Toki: Whatever! I just wish I could be...[cries]
- Guitar Teacher: Shhhhh…shhh. It’s just as well. I’m dying boy. I’m dying. [coughs]
- Skwisgaar: Toki! Stop! I wants yous to have this. Dis is ans importance to you. Dat you have, a magical things with dat guys right there, and I now know, dat you never gots good at guitars. So, its ok for you to have dis relations-ips.
- Nathan: [from a balcony] HEY! OVER HERE! I'M SORRY! I KNOW IT WAS WRONG TO HAVE MANIPULATED YOU! IF I COULD TAKE IT BACK I WOULD! I WAS WRONG!
- Toki: Skwisgaar! Yous were afraids that I was better than you?
- Pickles: [also from a balcony] STOP! OVER HERE! DON'T QUIT THE BAND TOKI! I'M SORRY! I SHOULDN'T HAVE MANIPULATED THE SITUATION!
- Nathan: HEY! PICKLES OVER HERE!
- Pickles: YEAH!?
- Nathan: IT'S NATHAN! UM I ALREADY SAID ALL THAT STUFF, LIKE, ALREADY.
- Pickles: YOU DID!?
- Skwisgaar: Yes Toki. Deh bands needs you. Even thoughs you don'ts do nothing.
- William: [also from a balcony] STOOOOP! I'M SORRY! SORRY ABOUT BEING A DICK BUT SOMETIMES IT'S HARD TO SUPPRESS THE URGE OF RUINING OTHER PEOPLES LIVES! WHY DOESN'T EVERY ONE OF YOU JUST GO KILL YOURSELF, IDIOTS! I'M SORRY I'M JUST BEING A DICK!
- Toki: Wowee. You really are...my family.
- Guitar Teacher: Boy...I just wanna say one thing before I go. I love you boy. [coughs] I...love...yee- [dies]
- Boy: [on his computer] Aww, cool! Dethklok mp3s! [a message appears on his computer] "You are downloading this album ILLEGALLY! The consequences are GRAVE!" HA HA HA! Yeah right! CLICK! Aww, this is gonna take a while, what should I do in the mean time? Eh, I guess I'll jack off.
- Dick Knubber: So that's just a rough mix of some of the stuff you've been uh...working on.
[long pause and a series of grunts from the Dethklok members]
- Skwisgaar: That's kinda nots too terriblys uh...wonderful is it now? Am I right?
- William: No no no, it's not it's uh...dragging.
- Nathan: Yeah yeah, it's just...it's just too confining.
- Skwisgaar: Yes confinings.
- Pickles: Too digital.
[all members start agreeing at once]
- Dick Knubber: Wait what?
- Pickles: Needs work.
- William: Sorry if we have very learn-ed sensitive musical ears.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah. Toki is right, sorry if we got very good ears.
- William: Uh...Murderface, that's Murderface, I'm Murderface, that's my name.
- Toki: It sounds like microchips.
- Nathan: Yeah, Pickles is right you know. Who was clearly the one who said that.
- Toki: I just said that, not Pickle!
- Nathan: Uh, that's a good Pickles impression that's for sure. Right Pickles?
- Pickles: ...
- Nathan: I SAID "RIGHT PICKLLLLLLES!!!"
- Pickles: It sounds like microchips. In ones and zeros-
- Dick Knubber: You guys are fucking deaf! You know that? You can't tell the difference between anything! Can you fucking hear me? DAMMIT CAN ANY OF YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?!
- Knubbler: OK, we've moved all the tracks onto water, so you wanna take 5 on the horsing around?
- Nathan: Hey hey! Record this ready? Ready?
- Pickles: Yeah I'm ready.
- Nathan: Okay. [recording sequence starts] Pbbbbbbbb ohhhh ahhhhh oh la la la la la la [claps five times] Play that back for me Pickles. [Pickles plays it back]
- Pickles: It seems kinda cleared.
- Skwisgaar: Now we can'ts do that.
- William: It's actually clearer than when he did it.
- Nathan: Hey play that back for me one more time, Pickles, just one more time. [Pickles does so] Yeah I gotta get a copy of that for myself. On water.
- William: Yeah! Burn it on water! [more talking at once] I'm gonna throw up! RECORD IT I'M GONNA THROW UP!
- Pickles: Okay! Press record, record quick quick! [Dick pushes a button labeled "Record"; William throws up]
- Nathan: Oh that's gonna sound good!
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, I'm gonna add it to my water collection!
- Dick: [comes in and sees Dethklok drinking the tracks] WHATS GOING ON? YOU'RE DRINKING THE TRACKS! NO, YOU CAN'T WATER THE PLANTS WITH THE DRUM TRACKS! YOU'RE REPLACING THE WATER IN THE FISH TANK WITH THE BASS TRACKS! YOU'RE MAKING RAMEN NOODLES WITH SKWISGAAR'S SOLO! [Dethklok's hot tub play's Nathans noise making track]
- Nathan: Why do they have us right here in front of all these dildos?
- Pickles: Yeah, I mean, we're like, right in front of everything.
- Skwisgaar: Ya, it's likes, deys, gawking at us, likes, a bunch of fish that can'ts close their eyes.
- Nathan: Look at that guy. Right there.
- Murderface: Oh, look at that one.
- Pickles: Look at that douche.
- 'Nathan:: Look at that douchebag.
- Murderface: Look at that douchebag.
- Skwisgaar: Looks at that douchebag!
- Toki: Looks at that douchebag.
- Nathan: Look at that douchebag.
- Murderface: Look at that douchebag.
- Skwisgaar: Looks at thats douchebag!
- Pickles: Look at that douchebag.
- Toki: Looks at that douchebag.
- Nathan: Douchebag.
- Toki: Douchebag.
- Skwisgaar: Douchebag.
- Pickles: Douchebag.
- Murderface: Douchebag.
- Skwisgaar/Toki/Murderface/Pickles: Douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag, douchebag...
- Nathan: I'm getting so irritated by these stupid fans!
- Nathan: A bunch of caged rats....that's what we are! A bunch of caged rats that are also death metal musicians!
- Murderface:We're the rats and look what's on the other side of the cage.Douchbag.
- Skwisgaar/Toki/Murderface/Pickles: Douchebag
- Ofdensen:Ah, listen I don't think its a great idea for you guys to get to close to your doubles.
- Skwisgarr:Why can't we have friends all of the sudden?
- Ofdensen:You can. You just can't have them as friends.
- Skwisgarr:Ohhh. He admits it sees. He's a tyrants sees.
- Ofdensen:Do you understand the purpose of having doubles?
- Nathan:Yeah, I'll take this one guys. A double is like having the best friend you've had in your whole life. A double listens to you when no one in this crazy world will. A double is like having a child and watching him grow up and feeling that feeling of pride and unyielding trust that no one else can ever give you.
- Ofdensen: They exist to so that if someone tries to kill you they will be killed instead.
- Nathan:Whoa what? I mean just thinking of those us as dead, I mean I'm going to cry I might seriously cry about that.
- Ofdensen:That's why you don't get emotionally attached Nathan.
- Nathan:Hey where did my me go?
- William: [dialing a number on his dethfone] Hey we just saw you on TV at the parade! It was awesome! [whispers] Hey when you get back, we're gonna have a surprise party!
- Nathan: Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! Gimme the phone! [William continues talking] Gimme the phone! GIMME THE PHONE!
- William: HOLD ON! Here's Nathan. [gives phone to Nathan]
- Nathan: Hiiiiiii! WE JUST SAW YOU ON THE PARADE! IT WAS GREAT!
- William: I SAID THAT ALREADY!
- Nathan: Oh yeah! WE'RE HAVING A PARTY FOR YOU WHEN YOU GET BACK!
- William: I SAID THAT ALREADY!
- Nathan: [plugging his other ear] IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME!
- Pickles: Ask them what they want at the-
- Nathan: I will! I will! Hold on! Hold on!
- Toki: We gets the bounce house!
- Pickles: Tell them! Order ballooooons!
- Nathan: WE'RE GONNA HAVE BALLOONS! [Ofdensen enters the room] I gotta go, goodbye. [hangs up]
- Ofdensen: What were you going on the phone? You're supposed to be doing your jobs.
- William: Jobs? I play bass not to have a job!
- Ofdensen: You're supposed to be preparing for the concert! Nathan, you're in charge. Hows rehersal going?
- Nathan: Well it umm... uhhh oh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good.
- Murderface: We've got no friends...
- Nathan: I know, it's just us. We're not friends, are we?
- Skwisgaar: (firmly) No.
- Murderface: (disgusted) Oh God, no.
(After a massive slaughter of fans by security guards when Murderface's shotgun accidentally goes off)
- Ofdensen: What happened back there, huh? What was that?
- Pickles: We don't know!
- Toki: (distressed) We no means it, it was accidenskal! We not at fault!
- Ofdensen: "Blood Bath" does not read well in print, you know what I'm saying--
- Nathan: (yelling) WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIIIIIGHT!
(the band has just been introduced to their doubles)
- Murderface: Hold on, this guy doesn't look like me! He's hideous, he's grotesque, look at 'im!
- Ofdensen: Actually, Murderface, he--
- Murderface: Look at that head, that disgusting forehead, that stupid-shaped hair, beady eyes, like, stupid flat nose, wide hammer-ass, chicken-plucked legs idiot! (addressing Ofdensen) You need to get your eyes checked, you piece of shit! This guy doesn't look like me!
- Murderface: (dejectedly) Oh God, he looks just like me...
- Nathan: Hey, where'd my me go?
- Ofdensen: Listen, great men throughout history have used doubles. Men who needed to stay alive for the greater good of their people, much like yourselves. Men like Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin-
- Nathan: Awesome! I'm Stalin, I called it.
- Pickles: I'm Nixon!
- Skwisgaar: I wants to be Bill Cosby!
- Nathan: You ever think of just, you know, giving it all up?
- Skwisgaar: Ah, you means, like, kills yourself.
- Nathan: No. What? No, I mean, like, stopping being famous, become a regular old jackoff.
- Murderface: ...And so then kill yourself?
- Nathan: No, no, stopping being famou...yeah, you can kill yourself if you want to.
- Pickles: You know, it would be great, to walk down the street, and not be bothered for once.
- Toki: Walks where?
- Pickles: I don't know, walk down the street, you know.
- Toki: To where?!
- Pickles: I don't know, walk to a store. Walk to a store.
- Toki: Then buys it on the internet, have it delivered!
- Pickles: I know I can buy it on the internet, but what if I want to walk to the park, you know, and look at swans?
- Toki: Well maybe you should have thought about that before you got famous!
- Nathan: Toki's right.
- Ofdensen: Well..uh, I'm afraid its time to say goodbye to your doubles.
- Toki: Why! They stills alive!
- Ofdensen: I know they are, Toki.
- Pickles: Then we do we gotta say goodbye to 'em?
- Ofdensen: BECAUSE, Pickles, they no longer look like you, that was the point. Their skin is burned, they dont even have features.
- Skwisgaar: What if we burned ourselves to look like dems! Dens maybes we could keeps them!
- Murderface: That would work! You know it would! Come on, lets burn ourselves!
- Ofdensen: That is out of the question, Murderface, you are not going to burn-
- Murderface: Your out of the question!
- Ofdensen: I'm afraid its time for you to, uh, say goodbye to your doubles now.
- Nathan: Let us do it, its better if they hear it from us. Because we're them, after all.
- Nathan: Thanks for coming, us.
- Toki: Ya know, theres never an easy ways to dos this.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, but ya know, sometimes, we're out of options, sometimes.
- Pickles: Ya know, business is not personal. And...in this case, its.. it is.. cause its us.. your us.. and..
- Nathan: Ugh. I hate having to say this, but...
- Murderface: Easy, easy, I got a smoother way of, uh, explaining it here. Guys, uh..I don't know..[begins digging into his pocket acting as if he is scratching] itch or cramp 'er somthing...pulls up his shotgun] See the thing is- [Murderface fires his gun]
- Murderface: Even though we are venturing into the world of fashion, I am here to assure all of you...I am not gay.
- Nathan: [seeing the "special leather" room] OH WHAT A HORRIBLE--Oh, you're fired, by the way. [Resumes screaming]
- Murderface: My god, how can you eat that?!
- Pickles: (Mouthful) What are you talking about? This is a hot dog.
- Murderface: How can you even put that in your mouth?
- Pickles: Are you trying to tell me you've never had a hot dog?
- Murderface: No.
- Pickles: Never, never?
- Murderface: No way, I ain't putting anything shaped like that in my mouth!
- Toki: What about Banana?
- Murderface: No.
- Nathan: What about sausage?
- Murderface: No, not sausage!
- Skwisgaar: What about that sausage, that was cut up into little pieces?
- Murderface: Uh no, cause it looks- it's like a chopped up cock.
- Nathan: What about like a sandwich?
- Murderface: A flat one?
- Nathan: Yeah.
- Murderface: Yeah, if it were a flat sandwich.
- Nathan: Okay, what about a sandwich shapped like a dick?
- Murderface: NO, that's the point! What kind of sandwiches are shaped like dicks?!
- Nathan: (Chuckling) I don't know, like -
- Murderface: A hot dog? NO!
- Pickles: Man, you think about penises in mouths all the time, don't you?
- Murderface: SHUT UP!!! GOD!
- Pickles: Well you do!
- Murderface: Oh God, give me my wipes!
- Pickles: Well you did, yeah. Yeah you said- you said "Penis in mouth" about a hundred times today.
- Murderface: No, because it was like "Oh, you've never had a hot dog". I just wanted to say "No", and it would be fine. And then "Oh, what about this and what about that" and "No it's like a dick and no it's like a dick". You guys do it all!
- Nathan: Wow, you really keep thinking about dick all day long.
- Toki: Yeah, you do. You keeps bringing up the subject.
- Murderface: YOU BRING IT UP! I just said I don't! No, I wanted it over. GOD!
- Skwisgaar: I would eat the hot dogs. (Short Pause) Just putting it out there.
- Pickles: Hey, am I going crazy or these clothes tight, like extra tight?
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, it feels like I'm this sausage, you know?
- Murderface: Oh, just stop with the innuedos, please?!
- Skwisgaar: It wasn't even an in- I just said "You lept to a conclusion".
- Murderface: I do agree, these clothes are un-fucking-comfortable.
- Toki: Well mines fit!
- Murderface: Oh, Toki shut up!
- Skwisgaar: Toki, shut up.
[at Finntrolls Market]
- Nathan: Okay. We gotta figure out this food bullshit. Toki, Skwisgaar, you guys did some online food research, lets hear it!
- Skwisgaar: Okay. Everyone says ons dis page, dats we gots to cuts out thems carbobydrates.
- Toki: Yeah, no mores of thems carbokikrates.
- Nathan: What are carkomymrates?
- Skwisgaar: Oh you know, uh pisgetti...uh...
- Toki: Breads...
- Skwisgaar: Uh, paper towels...you know...
- Toki: Cleanex and that...
- Pickles: Oh, well that's easy! No more of that stuff, that's cool. You know?
- Murderface: Well, can't we have at least like a little bread?
- Nathan: I mean we don't have to be like hunger nazi's to our stomachs.
- Murderface: I know that's reasonable, like a sandwich here or there.
- Skwisgaar: All rights, you know...uh whatever...uh yeah okay...it also says, dats we... the less foods we eats....the mores less fats we gets on ourselves.
- Murderface: So...we starve ourselves a little.
- Pickles: Yeah that's fine.
- Nathan: Sure.
- Murderface: Hey. What if we just ate like one really big meal. And then just eat nothing the rest of the day?
- Nathan: Hmmm.
- Toki: Yeah, that sounds like it'll works.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah that's good I guess.
- Murderface: Maybe we should eat that meal right before we go to sleep. So there's just nothing left to do but digest.
- Nathan: That sounds like a good idea. So you could just sleep it off.
[Toki and Skwisgaar talking at once]
- Nathan: ...losing weight by sleeping.
- Toki: Hey that's good ideas.
- Murderface: Hey how about Popsicles? That's like for snack? So we're not having our really big meal- just Popsicles.
- Pickles: Dude, ain't that the shape of a you-know-what?
- Murderface: Ohh...
- Nathan: [muttering] Yeah...like Popsicles are just like water...
- Skwisgaar: Guys, I don'ts thinks that sounds rights, does Popsicle-
- Nathan: SKWISGAAR! SKWISGAAR! Popsicles are like drinking a glass of water, okay?! What are we supposed to do, cut out water too?!
- Pickles: Yeah, what are we supposed to do on a hot day? What? Not eat popsicles?
- Murderface: How could you not eat a Popsicle?!
- Skwisgaar: All right, all right. Popskockles we cans have.
- Toki: All right! Popscicle!
- Nathan: All right let me get this straight. One really big meal a day, then we go to sleep, no paper towels but a little bit of bread because we're not nazis, and as many popsicles as we want.
- Skwisgaar: Uh, yeah.
- Pickles: Dudes...[chuckling] We're on a diet.
- Nathan: GOD I'M STARTING TO GET REALLY HUNGRY!
- Murderface: LET'S GET SOMETHING TO EAT!
- Nathan: I'LL GET A PEPPERONI PIZZA!
- Murderface: EXTRA CHEESE!
- Doctor: Your metabolism has slowed down. Popsicles are just pure sugar.
- Skwisgaar: YEAH?! THEYS PURE GREAT!
- Dr. Rockso: [crying] I do cocaine.
- Nathan: Rockso. Fuckin' clown. Boy, I really hate that guy.
- Skwissgar: Yeah, I should fucking horse-whip hims.
- Pickles: Yeah, he is a menace. A home-grown menace.
- Toki: Oh, he just misunderstoods.
(The band has just watched a TV special about Dr. Rockso, in which Murderface stated he was the lead song-writer for Dethklok.)
- Nathan: Yeah, uh...you know, you also said that you're the Dethklok song writer.
- Murderface: (clearly pleased with himself) Did I? I, eh, I don't remember.
- Nathan: Yeah...you did. And you've never written anything, ever.
- Murderface: What about Planet Piss?
- Nathan: First of all, that's not Dethklok.
- Pickles: You never even completed one song, neither.
- Murderface: That's not to say I'm not capable of writing a song!
- Nathan: (getting angry) In this case, it is to say you're not capable!
- Murderface: I could have written any Dethklok song, I coulda written any of 'em!
- Nathan: But you didn't write any-- but you didn't, though!
- Murderface: But I could have!
- Nathan: But you didn't!
- Murderface: BUT I COULD HAVE!
- Nathan: Well, I could've invented the, uh, the floor, you know, but I didn't!
- Murderface: But that doesn't mean you shouldn't get credit for inventing the floor!
- Nathan: (babbling) That should mean that I don't get credit for it!
- Murderface: Wait a minute, what about the bass-lines, I wrote all the bass-lines! (nudges Pickles, who looks annoyed)
- Skwissgar: You didn'ts write no bass-lines, I figures them out for you and shows them to you!
- Murderface: Oh, yeah, that is--
- Nathan: You know, I'd like to hear you try to write one song!
- Murderface: You-- you'd like to hear me try to write one song?!
- Nathan: Yeah, it, it has to be a complete song!
- Murderface: You'd like to hear me write one complete song?!
- Nathan: Yeah!
- Murderface: You, get outta--
- Pickles: You're not gonna do it!
- Murderface: OH YES I WILL, BECAUSE I HAVE THIS, SMARTASS, HAHA! (holds up a book called 'Song Writing')
- Dr. Rockso: (shown getting out of a car) Hey, man I said $20 for an HJ, not a measly ten!
- (Pickles looks shocked and disgusted, Toki only looks slightly surprised)
- Dr. Rockso: Let's go get some hookers and ice k-k-k-k...reeeaaam!
- Nathan: (reading his intervention letter to Dr. Rockso) "Dr. Rockso; I hate you, and I think you should die, you are an idiot and I hate your voice, there's no room on this paper to properly describe how much I hate you, go die." There, is that good?
- Toki: (Dr. Rockso gives him a large version of his own head made of balloons) Oh, wowie, looks just like me! Nathan, look!
- Nathan: (unenthusiastically) Yeah, that's great.
- Dr. Rockso: I can make you one.
- Nathan: Uh, yeah...go. To jail, now.
- News Reporter: Dr. Rockso, are you guilty?
- Dr. Rockso: All I know is this, my name is Dr. Rockso, the Rock N' Roll clown...and I used to do cocaine! I'm k-k-k-k-k clean! [Dethklok members cheer for him; Rockso gets a bloody nose] Uh-oh. [nose falls off]
- (Murderface's song)
- Murderface: A million miles from nowhere, Dragon Lance burns hot. By the fire of a horse's ghost, a minnow would be lost... Cha-cha-cha-changes... mmmm, Tits... A fish... A fish with tits. Titty fish.
- [Dr. Rockso is being tortured with an electrical shock device à la Han Solo in Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back
- Ofdensen: [monotonally] Oh my God, what's going on here? Stop torturing him.
- Dr. Rockso: (sobbing) Thank you. Thank you, you're an angel!
- Ofdensen: Yes, yes, yes I am. There, there... Give him one more.
- Dr. Rockso: (screaming)
- Ofdensen: All right, all right, well, here are your clothes, Dr. Rockzo. The, uh, the boys are going out for some ice cream and hookers. Is that something you'd be interested in doing?
- Dr. Rockso: [sheepishly]] I don't know, I guess so...
- Nathan: All right, let's hear it, let's go, Simon and Garfunkel!
- Skwisgaar: Ya, let's go, Loggins and Messina!
- Nathan: Yeah, let's go, George and Ira Gershwin!
- Skwisgaar: Ya, let's go, Rogers and Hammerstein!
- Murderface: Why the hell am I two people?!
- Nathan: Come on, let's go Crosby, Stills and Nash!
- Skwisgaar: And Youngs!
- Nathan: And Walter Becker and Donald Fagen!
- Murderface: All right, all right! Just shut up, I need to concentrate. [looks down at his book] Open strong...
- Nathan: That's a great book you got there.
- Murderface: Just shut up and let me think!
- Skwisgaar: Less thinkings, more playings! Comes on, grandspa guitar, let's do this!
[Dr. Rockso is going into withdrawal in the kitchen and is screaming and wielding a knife]
- Toki: Oh no I thinks Dr. Rockso has withdrawals! Whats do wes do? Whats do wes do?!
- Pickles: [pulls out a pistol] Here I got it. [fires his gun into Dr. Rockso, who immediatly falls to the ground]
- Toki: You fucking kills him!!
- Pickles: Don't worry, it's an animal tranquilizer gun, you know, left over from the CD release party.
- Toki: Oh yeah that was a funs party.
- Pickles: Yeah, that was a fun party.
Deth Wedding (2.07)
- Dr. Milminiman Lamilam Swimwamli: Gentlemen, the American wedding is a dark and fearful sham. The event itself is designed to incite anger and drain loved ones of patience, support and money. Most marriages fail miserably within two years; others end in murder-suicides, and a small percentage of them end with what we like to call "liveable hatred."
- General Crozier: Dethklok should be kept as far away from the institution of marriage as possible. Marriage has suffered enough.
- Mr. Salacia: We mustn't intervene, General. We will allow Dethklok to experience...the blackness!
- Murderface: Well, normally I’d dread an event like this, but seeing how knotted up it’s gotten you, Pickles, I’m sure I will enjoy it.
- Nathan: Yeah, it’s fun to watch somebody go through family hell.
- Skwissgar: Weddings are only good for two things; tax breaks and adultery. Hmph, that’s what I say.
- Toki: Oh, and kissings and huggings! And opens bar!
- Skwisgaar: Ya, but Toki, takes it easy. Last times I was in charge of yous all night, and yous was a sloppies mess!
- Toki: Hey, you don'ts gots to worries about olds Toki.
- Nathan: Don’t take this the wrong way, Pickles, but...your brother’s kind of, hm...kind of a weird, greedy dick, y’know?
[Pickles, looking very stressed out, blinks unresponsively]
- Molly: Look, Pickles! Look how great your brother’s doing!
- Pickles: ...uh, where am I looking?
- Molly: Look at his house-room!
- Pickles: What, you converted the attic.
- Molly: Look, he has an all-in-one fax-machine! [The fax machine is sitting on a piece of wood propped up by cinder-blocks.] He’s a professional! Go give him a hug!
- Seth: Feels good, doesn't it? Fuck yeah. Hugging your own brother. Being close to his fuckin' face like this. [unintelligible...lots of swearing]. Look at fuckin' Dethklok in my fuckin' house-room! Ha! I'm calling Mitch and Bobby, they won't fuckin' believe this. I'm fuckin' excited about you guys throwin' me a bachelor party! Fuck! Oh, and by the way, this is little Amber, the love of my fuckin' heart. Wanna see an angel, go on, turn around.
- Nathan: [watching an engaged Seth get a lap-dance from a stripper] Boy, there's nothing like love, is there?
- Toki: No, it's great!
- Murderface: He's really gonna be a good husband.
- Toki: Who are those goofballs?
- Pickles: Oh, those are Seth's pals, y'know, a couple of high school dropouts who scam on teenage chicks and steal and run crystal meth houses, y'know, beat up kids, rob, lie, possibly kill.
- Murderface: Awesome!
- Mitch: Let's go, rich bitch!
- Bobby: Hey, fuckin' throw down some cash, we're getting Seth a fuckin' lap dance.
- Mitch: Yeah, rich bitch!
[Dethklok is at a strip-club for Seth’s Bachelor Party, and Pickles is being danced on by two girls]
- Stripper: How 'bout a H-Job?
[Pickles looks miserable]
- Skwissgar: Heys, Pickle! Try nots to gets Hepastitis Cs from dats! Yeah, those girls are pretty skankys.
- Nathan: Yeah, those girls are...I'd do 'em.
- Skwissgar: Yeah, I do dems too.
- Pickles: [nervously] Should we call it a night?
- Seth: Oh no you fuckin' don't, I just fuckin' ordered shots!
[After hearing Seth's speech at his wedding rehearsal dinner, Pickles is trying to escape over a fence outside the restaurant.]
- Nathan: He's trying to escape, get him!
- Pickles: Nooo! Nooo, noo, let me go!
- Nathan: [grabs him] What, you were gonna run away and leave us here?!
- Pickles: I didn't know! I didn't know! I didn't know it was gonna be like this! I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know—[Murderface punches him several times.] Stop hitting me!
- Murderface: Can't help it! [punches him again]
- Pickles: Did you hear that speech, everybody's on his side, they — let's leave...let's leave now, let's go! Let's go!
- Nathan: Don't be stupid, Pickles.
- Pickles: Did you hear him, talkin' about Dethklok business endeavors—
- Nathan: I know, Pickles, I know, look; we can't leave. Not yet. [pause] It's just too funny.
[All the band members except Pickles chuckle]
- Murderface: It's too hilarious!
- Nathan: Man, it's really good...
- Seth: Hey, Pickles! I need your uh, y'know, credit card for a second.
[There is a pause before Pickles starts trying to climb the fence again.]
- Nathan: He's getting away again, get him!
- Pickles: [desperately] No! No! No—
- Skwisgaar: Huh, the mid-west. Whoa. A bunch of Swedes cames over two hundred years ago and got fat and ugly. Heh, I loves it.
- Toki: [drunk] Aaaaw, you know it! Haa hooo! Fats and ugly- [gags and spills his drink]
- Skwisgaar: [annoyed] Takes it easy on the sauce.
- Toki: Aw, yous... takes this on the sauce, yous nots the boss of me. I gonna go gets schnapps, you wants one?
- Skwisgaar: Yeah...
[Drunkenly talking to an elderly woman]
- Toki: Mes gonna do solo albums. All Toki. It's gonna be called Toki... IS THE KING!!! Oh, hold on. Mmm- [gags] Oh I got to throws up- [gags] throws up and takes a nap. [throws up on his suit] GOOD NIGHTS! [passes out]
[Pickles is brutally beating his brother at his wedding reception]
- Nathan: This is great. This is some good drama.
- Murderface: You can't pay for this.
- Nathan: You can't. It...it simply is.
- Murderface: It's like an eclipse or something, it's just, you gotta be there.
- Skwissgar: Guys, we gotta leaves, the cops is here!
- Toki: The pig sirens is goin' off, scramble!
[Pickles, who has been sitting atop his brother and punching him, looks up]
- Murderface: I've never seen so much blood at a wedding. Awesome.
- Nathan: Yeah, you really beat up your brother.
- Pickles: But I feel bad for him.
- Nathan: But you just said you hated him, why would...eh.
- Pickles: Yeah, I mean, I hate him, but...
- Skwisgaar: Ya but it's not unsposed to make sense. For you see, wes are aimless, hate-filled animals, scamperings away into the nights.
- Toki: That's rights. For you see, that's what families is. Peoples whats you hates.
- Pickles: Yeah, I guess you're right.
P.R. Klok (2.08)
- Toki: Oh, Pickle don't look good. Pickle looks scared!
- Liz Bane: He's fine. This is outstanding exposure.
- Nathan: Who the hell is this lady?
- Toki: Oh, that's Pickle new P.R. lady.
- Nathan: She's not a groupie?
- Toki: No.
- Nathan: Never mind then.
- Pickles: [drunk] AND THE WINNER IS "CINNAMON BUNS!!!" STARRING PICKLES THE DRUMMER, DIRECTED BY VODKA AND BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! [collapses]
- Murderface: Why don't we just start our own P.R.?
- Skwissgar: Yeahs, all its is telling somebody something. And thats what I does right now.
- Nathan: Yeah. And we should do it with the 3 of us right?
- Murderface: Yeah let's do it.
- Skwissgar: Yeah, let's do that.
- Toki: Hey, how comes you don't asks me? The 3, it's the 4 of us.
- Nathan: You were all the way over there, you- you we weren't even- we couldn't even see you.
- Toki: I just heard everythings and i want to be parts of it too.
- Skwissgar: Tokis, yous toos lates. That's what you gets for trying to play video game.
- Toki: WHAT'S TOO LATE!?! I STANDS RIGHT HERE! You just excludes me on purpose, you know it!
- Nathan: That's bad P.R. right there.
- Nathan: We want our own PR person, like Pickles has.
- Ofdensen: But I am a PR person.
- Murderface: But we want a real PR person.
- Ofdensen: I am a real PR person.
- Skwisgaar: No, we wants a reals PRs person!
- Ofdensen: I am a real PR person--
- Toki: But we wants a lady!
- Ofdensen: I am--fine.
- Host: And look who's here, it's the guy who's everywhere now, Dethklok's drummer Pickles--
- Pickles: (waving liquor bottle) Yeeah, woo-hoo!
- Host: --along with his publicist Liz Bane.
- Pickles: How ya doin'?
- Host: His face is everywhere these days. People are calling you the most popular member of Dethklok. How does that make you feel?
- Pickles: I got two words: drunk and horny.
- Liz Bane: You've been behind that drum kit for way too long, Pickles. This is your time. It's time... for Pickles.
- Murderface: Now, publicity is all about being seen.
- Nathan: Yeah, okay, okay, that's a good point, because what I was gonna say is publicity is all about being seen.
- Murderface: That's what I just--I thought I was running this meeting, you're just repeating!
- Nathan: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right, please.
- Murderface: We need to get our faces out to where everybody can see us--
- Skwisgaar: Likes Pickle on TV!
- Murderface: Exactly! But everybody goes on TV--
- Nathan: Yeah, everybody goes on TV, everyone does, you're right.
- Murderface: Yes, just my point, everybody goes on TV--
- Nathan: Everybody's already on there, why would you wanna do that?
- Murderface: Yes--
- Nathan: Go, go the other way.
- Murderface: Grr... yes. We need to go where--
- Nathan: Where nobody's gone yet.
- Toki: Oh, radio!
- Nathan: Toki, get outta here, you're not in the PR club.
- Toki: It's stupidest PR club, it doesn't work!
- Murderface: THANK YOU JUST I'M RUNNING THIS MEETING! WE NEED TO... just somewhere that's not on TV. FUCK! (throws laptop)
- Skwisgar: What are they gots there grapesdrink?
- Nathan: Yeah they're drinking some fucking grape drink that's awesome.
- Toki: Oh grapesdrink.
- Murderface: That's a pretty fancy grape drink.
- Skwisgar: How comes theys gets to have grapesdrink?
- Nathan: Yeah how come we can't have any fucking grape drink? That's fucking not fucking fair.
- Liz Bane: Pickles you're late, we have to hurry.
- Pickles: Ok.
- Liz Bane: Time is running out.
- Pickles: Ok.
- Liz Bane: This is our destiny.
- Pickles: Ok let's just play this show and get out of here. We got any songs with destiny in the title?
- Nathan: Ummm, no, but I can stick it in it doesn't matter no one can understand what I'm saying anyway.
- Skwisgaar: Gives to me this waterproof guitar that makes sure can floats.
- Toki: And gives me waterproof guitars what shoots out bugs repellsgents.
- Skwisgaar: Gives to me magic gloves whats can makes my hands fly.
- Toki: Oh, gives to me opposites werewolves that turns to humans whens the moons comes outs.
- Skwisgaar: Gives to me the swords that glows, which shows me which way that is north.
- Toki: Oh and gives to me battleaxe what shows which way's south!
- Skwisgaar: Stops copys me.
- Toki: You stops copys me.
- Skwisgaar & Toki: [at the same time in constant rhythm, sometimes getting faster] Stops copys me! Stops copys me! Stops copys me! [repeats]
- Pickles: Oh oh, we gotta get some bait! They got pretty big fish down there, get some big worms, and... you know what, get snakes. Snakes are the biggest worms out there.
- Ofdensen: I'm sure there'll be plenty of snakes down there. It's the Amazon.
- Pickles: There you go, penny-pinchin' again.
- Murderface: Did you know there's an Amazonian catfish that can swim up your pee and lay eggs in your ding-dong?!
- Pickles: OK, that's it, I'm done eating, alright, just... augh... that's gross!
- Murderface: You can mock me but watch out when you pee!
- Pickles: Just back off, alright? This is a horrible combination of beef jerky breath and repulsive information, OK? I'm not interested.
- Murderface: Fine, but you've been warned. You've been warned, Pickles!
- Murderface: [Sunbathing naked] Feel that jungle air, wind just whistlin' through...
- Skwisgaar: Hey, I makes some sandwiches...[Spits out sandwich and drops plate] Oh, Murderface!
- Pickles: Oh, man...MURDERFACE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
- Murderface: My god, you are so repressed.
- Pickles: It's got nothin' to do with repressed!
- Skwisgaar: How abouts this, I solves the problem--puts your shirts back on!
- Pickles: Okay, your wiener, it's disgusting how it's all gnarled, it's like you stuck it in a hornet's nest!
- Murderface: Well I happen to play bass with it, there's callus buildup.
- Pickles: I don't need to look at it!
- Murderface: It's like Amazon boat-rash or something. Can I please just take a leak before I pull my shorts up?
- Pickles: Fine, go ahead, but just promise to never do this again, okay?
[Murderface turns around and pees over the side of the boat]
- Pickles: Oh god, now I can see your ass! It's like cottage cheese!
- Murderface: Just let me do this...
- Skwisgaar: Quick questions, do you shaves yours ass, because you gots a lots of stubbles goings on there.
- Murderface: Quick answer, fuck you!
- Pickles: Work out or something, that's a problem area.
[Parasites swim up Murderface's pee and into his penis]
- Murderface: AAAAAARRRRGGH!!!
- Murderface: [whispering] Hey, whatcha readin' there?
- Nathan: [whispering] Nothin', just...hey man, why don't you brush your teeth?
- Murderface [whispering] You can't brush your teeth in a library, that's ridiculous.
- Pickles: [excitedly] They're getting yopo!! If we're gonna die, we're gonna die high!!
[after Nathan reads that his grandmother ate his grandfather in a cannibal soup]
- Murderface: Ate her husband in soup...
- Pickles: That is so totally Cannibal Corpse.
- Murderface: [talking about being governor] We don't fill out paper work, and fill out government forms, and wear suits and ties like...grr, dildos! [realizes; to Ofdensen] No offense!
- Ofdensen: None taken.
- Senator Stampingston: Nathan Explosion is now the governor of Florida!
- Crozier: This is an outrage, how can we stop this?
- Orlaag: Consider what the people would do, General.
- Stampingston: I think it's time that we go to purple alert! [a purple light begins randomly blinking and a buzzer sounds whenver the light is shone]
- Ofdensen: Being governor has its advantages. You could be quite powerful.
- Nathan: Oh really?! And I could just put all my friends in charge of everything, and I could just rape and pillage the economy, and line my pockets with money, and I could go mad with power?
- Ofdensen: You actually could do that, you know... it's technically-
- Murderface: I WANNA BE IN CHARGE OF THE NATIONAL GUARD!
- Nathan: Alright you got it!
- Toki: I WANTS TO HELPS PEOPLE!
- Nathan: YOU GOT IT!
- Murderface: I NEED A SECRETARY!
- Nathan: YOU GOT IT!
- Pickles: I WANNA BE THE AMBASSADOR OF CHINA!
- Nathan: YOU GOT IT!
- Skwisgaar: I wants no parts of dis, dis ams craps! Governments!
- Pickles: Dude, Skwisgaar, you know that Florida has the highest population of old ladies in old lady homes?
- Murderface: You could be in charge of old... you know what!
- Skwisgaar: Then, I WILLS BE IN CHARGE OF DATS! DEMS OLD LADIES!
- Nathan: YOUUU GOT IT!
- Nathan: Get me the weather burrow...uh, bureau.
- Weather Official: But that's where we are, sir.
- Nathan: Excellent, outstanding, good. I command you to destroy the hurricane.
- Toki: Yeah, use your weather controlling machines!
- Weather Official: People can't destroy hurricanes, sir.
- Nathan: Alright, uh... Knock it off course. Do that.
- Weather Official: I'm afraid that's impossible, sir.
- Nathan: Dammit! We've tried everything.
- Murderface: Not EVERYTHING... (everyone stares at Murderface)
- Murderface: Well, not EVERYthing. I mean, not LITERALLY "everything"...
- Nathan: Well, I didn't mean literally everything.
- Murderface: You SAID literally everything!
- Ofdensen: Have you activated the emergency alert system?
- Toki: Oh I hate that, that "beeeeeeeeeeep!"
- Nathan: Oh yeah, that "beeeeeeeeeep!"
- All Members: "Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"
- Nathan: Nope, no way.
- Weather Official: All alert systems have been looted and robbed.
- Nathan: They stole the "beep?!"
- Toki: Why woulds they steals the "beeps?"
- Murderface: People are so low.
- Pickles: I'd steal that.
- Nathan: What the fuck do you guys even do here?
- Weather Official: We name the hurricanes, sir.
- Pickles: You name the hurricane, that's your job?
- Weather Official: What should we name this hurricane, sir?
- Nathan: Name the hurricane. Huh. Uhhhhhhhhh....hmmmmm. How about....uh...Scrambles? Scrambles the...uhh...the Death Dealer.
- Old Man: [staring at Nathan Explosion's statue] Best fucking governor Florida ever had! [gets shot]
- Nathan: [holding a press conference] What am I supposed to be saying? What am I supposed to be saying? Hey, what am I supposed to be...oh right right right. That governor guy, he said I shouldn't have a holiday or something? Fuck him, right? Fuck that guy.
- Nathan: I swear to govern the fuck out of this piece of shit state! Now lemme hear your guns!
[Toki goes mad with power and abuses his aide.]
- Toki: Jumps out the window! Finds me a paper clip! You dos what I say or I haves you all killed! Now shits your pants!
- Nathan: Toki, your boner is showing.
- Nathan: This race is a total catastrophy. [refering to Murderface; who is still feeling the effects from his pill and playing bass with his penis] Let's get him to shit his pants!
- Pickles: SHIT YOUR PANTS!
- Murderface: [mumbling incoherently, eyes rolling, and drooling] I SHIT MY PANTS!
- Dr. Gibbons: Gentlemen, the ego of the bass player is fragile. His emotional insecurity is triggered by the perception that he is unloved, inadequate, and worthless. Just look at William Murderface. Frightened, scared, hate-filled—the perfect specimen of devolution—cro-magnon brow, distended jaw, clammy hands, buckled stomach, back pimplage, hitchhiker thumbs, hammer-assed, fallen arches, chicken-plucked legs, sandpapery, eczema-styled skin, dry, unkempt triangle hair. This creature...devolved...whirling in that mess of self-hatred bubbling inside. This pathetic insecurity will cause him to want to be in control, of course this will be overridden by his dominant laziness, lack of concentration, and possible bipolar disorder, which should make for a most disastrous NASCAR-type theatrical hybrid event.
- Murderface: Oh, it's like a Nascar...type...theatrical...hybrid event! With cars!
- Ofdensen: So it's a car race?
- Murderface: Yeah!
- Ofdensen: I'm confused, you want to do a car race?
- Murderface: Yeah....well- but no! Not just a car race, a car event! It's like Medeival times...
- Ofdensen: Okay, so there's like knights, and horses, and jousting-
- Murderface: No! Well, maybe, maybe! But-...guys help me out here...
- Pickles: [reading a newspaper] I'll help you out...Murdeface is trying to tell you...his idea....about....you know...whatever...
- Murderface: Thank you Pickles.
- Ofdensen: What does this have to do with Dethklok?
- Pickles: We are Dethklok!
- Murderface: I'm in Dethklok!
- Pickles: I'm Pickles the drummer
- Nathan: I'm Nathan Explosion, from Dethklok
- Pickles: I'm Pickles the drummer from Dethklok it's me telling it to you.
- Ofdensen: I know! But what does this have to do with the music?
- Murderface: Who cares about the music?!
- Ofdensen: Well your audience cares-
- Murderface: Well, fuck the audience, FUCK THEM!
- Ofdensen: Are you guys truly on board with this idea?
- Nathan: [short pause] Yeah, I could take it or leave it.
- Pickles: Me too.
- Ofdensen: Good day then. [leaves]
- Murderface: Fine. Motherfucking fine! It's my time to shine and you're jealous! Nothing can stop me from producing the world's greatest...Nascar-type theatrical hybrid event the world's ever seen! [Nathan and Pickles give Murderface no attention whatsoever] Oh, fuck.
[Skwisgaar and Toki are getting dropped off at Mr. Gojira's Driving School]
- Nathan: Okay give me a call when you need me to come pick you up, do you guys have your phones?
- Skwisgaar: Yeah.
- Toki: Yes.
- Nathan: Okay, eat all your lunch and dont talk to anybody. There's weirdos out there.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah.
- Toki: Yes.
- Nathan: Okay, goodbye, study hard! [drives off]
- Skwisgaar: Hey Toki. I bets yous a millions billions dollars thats I will be a better driver than yous.
- Toki: OH! I bets yous a krillions billions thats I will bes the best, ands the fastest!
- Skwisgaar: No way! Yous are on!
- Toki: Let's go! [runs out in the street as cars whiz by him; the camera cuts to Skwisgaar as you hear a bunch of crashes occur]
- SKwisgaar: Whoa! Look out! Ha ha! Oh...that's funny...
[Toki and Skwisgaar are forced to watch a video depicting horrible auto accidents]
- Announcer: Driving a car can be fun, but sometimes it's dangerous. Drinking and driving seems like a fun way to pass the time, maybe it isn't such a good idea. If the good Lord wanted us to drink and drive, we would've been born with smashed faces. Private Joe's going to have to spread your guts to the side of the road. That's okay, blood makes the grass grow. Say, you wouldn't happen to have an extra-big spatula, would you? Billy's got some eggs. Eggs that are his intestines. Where's Glenda? Late again? She'd better drive extra fast. Oh no, her tits are on Oakdale Street and her brains are on Willow Drive. That's two block away. Long way for tits to be away from brains. He's still clutching the steering wheel...with his face! Eyeballs, anyone? Wonder what he was thinking? Well, look at his brains, maybe that'll tell you.
[the video ends]
- Mr. Gojira: Alright! Let's drive and have some fun!
- Press Person: Wait, I don't understnad, this is supposed to be what...a Nascar-type Theatrical Hybrid Event?
[Toki, Skwisgaar and Mr. Gojira are in the student car,their light is green]
- Mr. Gojira: Please pull forward now.
- Toki: No, I-I lets that guy go first.
- Mr. Gojira: But now it's your turn.
- Toki: After this guys.
- Mr. Gojira: You have right of way!
- Toki: After that guy. You-you gos head!
- Mr. Gojira: Let'sa go, douchebag!
- Skwisgaar: Leaves hims alone!
- Toki: [weeps] I can'ts do it!
- Mr. Gojira: You bothes failds your driving tests-o.
- SKwisgaar: Buts dats uns-possible!
- Mr. Gojira: No it isn't! You didn't drive anywhere!
- Toki: It's scary!
- Mr. Gojira: I know! You told me!
- Skwisgaar: Where'ds dids I fail?
- Mr. Gojira: You wouldn'ts even sit in the front-o seat-o!
- Skwisgaar: IT'S TOO SCARY UPS THERE!
- Mr. Gojira: How do you expect to drive back-seat-o?!
- Skwisgaar: RACIST!
- Toki: Yeah, racist!
- Mr. Gojira: Yeah, well fuck you two, I'm leaving!
- Ofdensen: Alright, so you all know we are in the middle of building a hospital for the victims of this, uh, public relations disaster.
- Nathan: Oh god, that's pandering!
- Murderface: Pandering!
- Ofdensen: Well I don't see it as pandering, it's a hospital for horribly injured victims of, uh, these explosions.
- Skwisgaar: Hey! Thats not ours faults, we didn'ts do that!
- Ofdensen: Well, they are your fans, and they, uh, have been badly injured, some killed, uh, trying to buy your, uh, collectible coffee cups. Maybe you could show a little compassion.
- Murderface: Compassion?!?
- Nathan: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! I got no sympathy for anyone! I got one of these darn summer colds. I mean, where is my benefit concert? I mean is there anything worse?
- Murderface: See that's something you have compassion for, summer cold. You can relate, you can relate to, see you can't relate to your arms being blown off! You can't!
- Ofdensen: Well, uh, maybe being blown to bits is worse then a summer cold?
- Nathan: Oh come on...
- Skwisgaar: Mr. Robotos whens dids yous comes so carings about stuffs? Ares yous drunks or somethings?
- Ofdensen: No i'm not drunk, I'm just, uh, trying to, you know, repair your image.
- Murderface: Repair our image with health care!?
- Nathen: (mumble)
- Toki: Why's we's gots to spends our hard earnds money on medical stuff for peoples we don't even know.
- Nathan: Oh god this mother fucking eye gouging cock sucking mother fucking summer cold. Its driving me crazy over here!
- Nathan: Hey...our show's gonna be bad..because I have a cold...so does Skwisgaar, Murderface, Pickles and....[spotlight shines on Toki] uhhh......ummmmm.....we'll just play one song.
- Murderface: [while in a sauna] Hey maybe we oughtta, up the anty as they say in the medical business? [reading his Medeival Medical Arts book] Blood letting is the ancient inuate art of draining all the bad blood out, and letting your body generate the new blood, hey yoU! Go get some buckets and some blood-letting knives!
- Edgar: These are the moments that define us... [to Assassin] You seem preoccupied. What bothers you?
- Assassin: [looks at a picture of Ofdensen] This man. He must be killed and made an example of in front of the world. I will crucify him!
- Edgar: Be patient. We must strike at the right time or we could risk losing everything. [to the teenager] Excuse me, I need to get by you. Do you want a burrito also? No? Two burritos for me.
- Assassin: If we kill him, they will have no one to hide behind.
- Edgar: And when Dethklok plays at the hospital, we will be there, and we will take them down!
- Doctor: You're not dying, it's just a cold.
- Nathan: I think we are dying. I really don't feel great.
- Doctor: Did you ever have colds before?
- Nathan: No.
- Toki: Can'ts you gives us injections?
- Murderface: Yeah, use your fancy degrees, asshole!
- Doctor: Take it easy, all right? No drinking, no partying...[grabs a cigar from Pickles] Gimme that cigar!
- Pickles: That's my cigar...
- Doctor: Just take it easy. Go the sauna, sweat it out, and relax, okay? Take it easy. Idiots.
- [Dethklok is attempting to use leeches to cure their summer colds]
- Pickles: Hey guys, how are your guys doing? You know, your leeches?
- Skwisgaar: [using leeches to create the appearance of black sideburns] Looks at me, I'ms Elvis Presleys!
- Nathan: [using leeches to create a thin Van Dyck] Hey, look at me, I'm that guy from, uh, that movie where the guy wore that mask, and, uh, Natalie Portman was in it...
- Toki: [laughing] Yeahs, it's just likes him! It's awesome!
- Nathan: Check it out. [laughs]
- Pickles: [using leeches to create the appearance of eye black] Look, I'm a professional NFL football player!
- Skwisgaar: [using more leeches to create a mustache] Hey, looks at mes! I'm Leech Charlies Chaplins!
- Murderface: You're Leech Hitler!
- Nathan: Hey, Murderface, do like a Leech Al Jolson.
- Murderface: OK, Leech Al Jolson, coming up! Gimme more! [reaches into the leech bucket and throws a handful onto his face, completely obscuring it except for the eyes and mouth, and begins singing à la Uncle Remus] Mammy! I'm from Alabam-ie! [normal voice] Leech Al Jolson!
- Nathan: Now, that guy was an entertainer.
- Murderface: Oh, you got that right!
- Toki: Yeah, he was the first greats blacks entertainer!
- Nathan: Hey guys. You know I'm gonna start dating again, and I just thought...welll I'd like you to try your best not to fuck that up for me. There. I feel better having said that. [leaves]
- Ofdensen: Hey uh...Nathan. I uh...understand you're experiencing a little bit of uh...girl trouble. [Nathan gives no response] Just wanted to lend you a shoulder to uh...you know to uh...you...you seem like you're okay. For the record I tried. [leaves]
- Toki: Slut! She sluts! Look at her!
- Murderface: Take it easy, man. You don't call women bad names, man, that's women. You gotta respect them.
- Pickles: What are you talkin' about?
- Murderface: What?
- Pickles: Nothin', I just always pinned you as a classic woman-hater.
- Murderface: That's disappointing, Pickles, that you would just blindly label a person like that. That's just pretty disappointing.
- Skwisgaar: Well, you ams the ones who walks around saying they're, I don't know, poisonous serpents with tits.
- Murderface: Yeah, so?
- Pickles: What do you mean, yeah so? You said that about women and now you're defending them a lot!
- Murderface: Okay, fine. Look, you guys. I may have said some kooky things about the ladies, but that was before. You've gotta defend their honor. Like a hero.
- Pickles: And?
- Murderface: And what?
- Skwisgaar: Ya, you defends their honors in the eyes of the womens, and then what happens?
- Murderface: Well...then they sleep with you.
- Pickles: Ah yeah, I knew it!
- Skwisgaar: That's his angles! Rights theres!
- Toki: Ooh, busteds!
- Murderface: Oh, come on.
- Pickles: Another cheap ploy to trick the girls into sleeping with you by pretending to be valiant!
- Murderface: So?
- Skwisgaar: Classics Murderface!
- Pickles: Go Skwisgaar it's your turn. Go, go go go go go!
- Skwisgaar: I ams going, holds on. I ams thinkings. Uhh, okay, is this a words? Q-U-H-Zs-K?
- Toki: Quhzks! That's whats the duck says!
- Pickles: Alright whatever, quhzks. That's 1-2-3-[muttering]... Fifty-two points, [impressed] fifty-two points, that's good.
- Woman: [to Murderface] Why don't you make like a bass guitar and be inaudible?
[Murderface just jumped in the way of the oin extractor preventing it from impacting Nathan's crotch.]
- Nathan: Wow...I never actually knew that a cock-block could save your life...thank you Murderface.
- Murderface: That's okay man, I'm a hero. I'M A REAL HERO!
- Charles: Sorry I'm late, I was addressing the new uh, klokateers...
- Murderface: Hey. Hey.
- Charles: You know, potential-
- Murderface: Hey!
- Charles: Yes?
- Murderface: Gimme fifty thousand dollars.
- Charles: Well uh, what do you need it for?
- Murderface: For fucking Doritos! What difference does it make?!
- Charles: Well you've uh, been given your hundred thousand dollar allowance for the week, so-
- Murderface: So what?! Come on fucking give me my money, man! Cough it up! [continuing to talk over Charles] Aww, fuck that, why can't I have my fucking money?! That's mine!
- Charles: All of you are wasting money by not having finished this record, that's a big deal guys, you're doing anything but recording! All right? That's what I'm-
- Nathan: So what, by sitting here, we're wasting money?
- Charles: Yes.
- [long pause]
- Nathan: We should be saving money by not doing anything, not wasting it!
- Pickles: Yeah, that doesn't make sense! Are you sure you know what you're talking about?
- Charles: [annoyed] Yes, I do know what I'm talking about, you are killing your own business!
- Murderface: Oh God, you're boring me to to death with business! God!
- Charles: Well this isn't boring to me guys, all right?! I want you all to listen up! This is important stuff, all right?! If you continue to not record, your money, YOUR money, will continue to dwindle!
- Nathan: How do you know that?
- Charles: How do I know- Because it's my job to know! I work with money, it's my job!
- Pickles: How long have you known that our money is dwindling? I mean, it sounds like you're keeping stuff from us, right?
- Toki: He's keepings it!
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, he's keepings it froms us.
- Murderface: Yeah, it's very suspicious.
- Charles: No, I'm telling you about it right now, that's what I'm doing, I'm telling you about these things.
- Nathan: Yeah, but how long have you known about the stuff that we don't know about that you're starting to tell us about?
- Pickles: [suspiciously] Yeah.
- Charles: Look I've tried to keep you guys in the loop of the business, I have many times, but-
- Murderface: BUT WHAT?!
- Charles: ...But you guys have a very short attention span.
- Nathan: [offended] NO WE'RE NOT!
- Charles: No you're not what- Wh-What does that mean- That's not even a response to what I was saying!
- Murderface: Quit confusing things!
- Pickles: No we're not!
- Toki: No we's not at all!
- Charles: You're not what?!
- Toki: He's gots to admits it! He's on the ropes!
- Murderface: Yeah!
- Charles: We're arguing two different things here!
- Murderface: Well we're not!
- Health Inspector: All right, listen up! First things first. The conditions down here are repugnant! It's infested with rats, moles, and some strain of flesh-eating virus.
- Nathan: Pretty metal.
- Murderface: Pretty metal.
- Health Inspector: Oh is it? Your staff is dying down here. Is that metal?
- Murderface: I hate to say it, but, yeah.
- Nathan:: Yeah, not to be contradictory but it's very metal.
- Health Inspector: (pause) Is it metal to have your drains clogged with dead, rotting employees?
- Nathan: Yeah. It is, actually.
- Murderface: Metal.
- Health Inspector: Is it metal to have easily avoidable work-related accidents the cause of death?
- Murderface: Yeah, again, metal.
- Health Inspector: Is it metal for none of you to care at all?
- Nathan: Yeah it's way more metal if we don't care about it.
- Health Inspector: Well... I guess I uh didn't know all that stuff was metal. Anyway, follow me.
- Charles: I've grown quite accustomed to working with Dethklok, and, uh, you'd probably have to kill me to get them away from me. This is good brandy. Really good brandy.
- [the band is blowing up guitars like fireworks and throwing firecrackers around]
- Nathan: [to Pickles] Don't give Murderface any firecrackers, we just have to hold them.
- Murderface: [walks over] Hey, can I have a firecracker?
- Pickles: You know what? I think there's some over there. [points to a blank patch of grass]
- Murderface: Where? I don't see any. [bends over muttering, Nathan lights a firecracker, and puts it in Murderface's pants] There's no firecrackers. [the firecracker explodes] AHHH! THAT FUCKING HURTS!
- Nathan: They're down there somewhere, just keep looking.
- Murderface: Alright. [bends over again, Nathan lights another firecracker, sets it in Murderface's pants and it explodes] AHHHH YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DID IT AGAIN!
- Nathan: Murderface.
- Murderface: [slight pause] What?
- Nathan: You gotta find these firecrackers, they're down there somewhere.
- Pickles: Yeah, they're in the grass, look!
- Murderface: I can't see 'em.
- Pickles: Smash your face into the grass and look hard. [Murderface looks some more, while Nathan lights yet another firecracker and sets it in Murderface's pants] There you go, now you got it. [it explodes]
- Murderface: OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER, OW THAT HURT!
- Skwisgaar: So's. Your dads gots the Bigs K: Cancers.
- [Toki remains in a catatonic silence]
- Skwisgaar: Just gonna stares at me for a while or uh...
- [still no response]
- Skwisgaar: Looks I don't know what's to says, you're staring at me, I'm just looksing at you and you just stands there likes a fish! [walks over] Hey Toki, let's hears you say somethings positive!
- [puts a finger in Toki's mouth and imitates him speaking]
- Skwisgaar's Immatation: Yeah, it's not so bads after alls.
- Skwisgaar: There you go!
- Skwisgaar's Immitation: Who needs a fathers anyways?
- Skwisgaar: Dats right! I don't really gots a dad, do I?
- Skwisgaar's Immitation: Yeah, you never knows your father's!
- Skwisgaar: That's right, Toki! I never...never really uh...[suddenly depressed] Oh...I don'ts...I don'ts have a father.
- Skwisgaar's Immitation
- Oh come on Skwisgaar. You cans cheers up.
- Skwisgaar: [angry] I don't wants to! I wants to bes in a bads mood! GETS OUT OF HERE!
- Ofdensen: You know, Toki's kind of in a fragile state of mind right now. He could really use your support.
- Murderface: Ah, don't let him fool you. He's tough as nails.
- Pickles: Come on, you don't think Toki's gonna freak out or anything, you know, like do something-- should we hide the guns?
- Ofdensen: Well I wouldn't go that far,I think he's just a little sad.
- Murderface: He's gonna kill himself?
- Pickles: No, I mean he might kill us.
- Murderface: He's the one to do that, he's a strange-- I don't trust him.
- Nathan: He's fucked in the head.
- Murderface: He's fucked in the head. I don't trust him and--
- Toki: [walks in] Hello.
- The Band: AHHHH!
- Nathan: Don't fucking do that to me.
- Toki: Gots to go to Norway now, sees my dad die... Sees ya.
- Skwisgaar: See yous laters, Tokis, haves a greats time.
- Pickles: Oh yeah, and say hi to your dad from us. I mean, if he doesn't die before you get there. Well, y'know, say hi to his corpse I guess. Y'know? I don't know.
- Nathan: Yeah, no matter what happens, say hi.
- [after the band states they can't go with Toki because they needed to record the album]
- Ofdensen: Okay. Off to the recording room. Chop chop. Let's go. To the studio. Let's go. Get up. We gotta record...
- Murderface: :[a firecracker just exploded in his hand] That's my bass playing hand!
- Pickles: [sarcastic] Uh-oh! There goes the band!
- Nathan Explosion: You know I actually am looking forward to going to Norway. It is the birth place of Black Metal. It's gonna be fun..[to Toki]..I mean aside from your dad...dying slowly from cancer....how you doing with that by the way?
- [Toki gives no response, as the camera shows him in an intense state of mind as intense music plays]
- Murderface: My dad's dead. He killed my mom then he killed himself, didn't affect me at all.
- Pickles: How's it gonna affect you? You were just a baby.
- Murderface: I was never a baby! I had to become a man then and there!
- Nathan: You're still a baby now.
- Murderface: A baby with a man's heart! I'm...a warrior.
- Pickles: My dad is just like a stare and say nothing weirdo, and if he died...well, ya know? What are you gonna do about it?
- Nathan: I actually get along with my dad. You know, we drink a lot of beer and we go hunting. If he died...whoa...That'd be fucked up. But hey. [nudges Toki] It's your dad that's gonna die. My dad's safe!
- Stampingston: Toki Wartooth's father is on his deathbed. Gentlemen, our psychological death expert, Dr. Ralphus Galgensmelter.
- Galgensmelter: Toki Wartooth has become a messenger of death. Everything he touches with his love will die! FOR he brings death with him like a blackened cloud, hovering in the cold. Night. Sky. Like the Grim Reaper himself, his guitar is his scythe. He...cascades into the open window of your child's cradle, to suck the very life...from your baby's breath.
- Crozier: What a load of horseshit.
- [the band, while sightseeing in Norway, go to a Black Metal store.]
- Toki: This is my olds friend, Vrunkus Snorge.
- Vrunkus: Well, if it isn't the commercially successfuls Toki Wartooth.
- Nathan: Guy seems like an asshole.
- Vrunkus: I am pagans dropped in this conservative hell that is Norway.
- Pickles: Man, what the fuck are you listenin' to?
- Vrunkus: This ams a demo tape from my band Hestekuk, what means "a horse's dick". Do you like it?
- Pickles: I dunno, it's okay.
- Vrunkus: Then I hate it!
- Nathan: Hey, where's all the Dethklok albums?
- Vrunkus: I don't sell them. [scoffs] Too digital.
- Murderface: [reading a pamphlet about Norway] Hey did you know that Norway has the lowest murder rate in the whole world? The lowest in the world?!
- Nathan: Wait a minute, you mean the murder rate in Canada is higher than Norway?
- Murderface: Yeah.
- Nathan: Oh my God, that's lame! This place is lame.
- Murderface: Admit it Toki, Norway's not brutal.
- Nathan: Danbury, Connecticut is more brutal.
- Pickles: Yeah, dude. Tomohawk, Wisconsin, it's way more brutal. At least we got crystal meth!
[Toki's father has just fallen into a river]
- Toki: Oh, he sinks into the darkness!
Snakes N Barrels II (Parts 1 and 2) (2.16)
- Dr. Chesterfield: My drug is still alive in the systems of the now sober, members of Snakes N' Barrells. I however, have a grave warning: There is a long-term side effect, a terrible and desructive side-effect. With enough stimulus, the drug living in their fat cells will ignite.
- Stampingston: Spontaneous human combustion!
- Dr. Chesterfield: Not quite. Blue phosphorous snakes will shoot forth from the orifices of the users, and they will go mad with rage.
- Orlaag: All of their orifices?
- Dr. Chesterfield: I'm afraid so...
[Nathan and Skwisgaar are at a sober rock concert, at a beverage stand]
- Nathan: What do you want like a shot or whatever?
- Skwisgaar: Yeah, whatsevers gets us drunks the fastest.
- Nathan: [to the guys behind the counter] You, hey you! Right there, vodka, two doubles.
- Skwisgaar: Gives to us deh bottles.
- Nathan: ...'cause we got lots of cash.
- Clerk 1: Fellas, it doesn't actually work that wan, man.
- Clerk 2: Not that way man.
- Clerk 1: But I'll tell you what. [whispering] You guys like shots?
- Nathan: Uh, yeah sure fine.
- Clerk 2: How 'bout this guys? How about a totally cool shot of ice-cold mountain water?
- Clerk 1: Oooh.
- Clerk 2: Chilled with, cucumber slices?
- Clerk 1: Or maybe you're feeling zazzy? How 'bout some of this, sparkling cherry-applesauce drink?
- Clerk 2: How 'bout you,Tonto? You look like you have a taste for things south of the border. You like margaritas?
- Nathan: [muttered] Uh-huh.
- Clerk 1: I think that's a yes!
- Clerk 2: If you love margaritas, why not try some...lemonade?
- Nathan: This is bullshit! Don't fuck with us! You got alcohol?
- Clerk 1: We have something better!
- Nathan: What would that be?
- Clerk 2: An apple, God's alcohol.
- Nathan: [leans over the counter and starts beckoning them] Hey could you come here really quickly? Both of you come here, I just wanna tell you something...
- Clerk 2: [both clerks lean over the counter] I'm right here.
- Clerk 1: What's going on?
- Nathan: I just wanna tell you something...
- Clerk 2: Closer?
- Nathan: Yeah, a little bit, little bit closer.
[they lean closer]
- Clerk 1: Hi.
- Nathan: Hi.
[Nathan grabs them fast and begins to slap them multiple times, giving one of them a bloody nose]
- Clerks: Ow ow ow ow ow!
- Nathan: [pulls them to his face] Don't ever fuck with me and alcohol, got it?
- Murderface: TOKI, I'LL KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!
[Murderfacehas been looking for Toki in payback for his prank]
- Murderface: There you are, you scumbag!
- Toki: [stomping the annoying fan's face into the ground] I'LL KILL YOU!!! [Murderface gapes in astonishment and fear. Toki turns towards him with an insane look] WHATS THE FUCKS DO YOU WANT, MOTHERFUCKER?!?!?!
- Murderface: .... What's up bro? What's happenin', huh?
[discussing Murderface and Tokis song]
- Murderface: So wait, just so i understand, you're all passing on Takin' it Easy?
- Nathan: Yeah, We pass.
- Murderface: I can't even begin to believe that. You know what! Fuck YOU! I'm keeping that song for Planet Piss.
- Toki: So I'ms in Planet Piss now?
- Murderface: NO! Fuck you, you're not in Planet Piss! You fucking greedy asshole! No.\
- Toki: I'll fucking sues you Murderface! Thats mine!
[Toki grabs a basket of hot towels]
- Muderface: What?! What are you fucking doing!? (inaudiable) Are you going to throw a basket of hot towels on me?!?
[Rest of band looks on]
- Toki: Yes I'm going to throws the basket of hot towels at you!
- Murderface: I don't think you should!
- Toki: Why not?
- Murderface: Because, those towels are really hot!! Don't fucking throw hot towels you lunatic!!
- Knubbler: Sorry guys, wrap for the day. Cuttin' ya loose, we'll be back.
- Nathan: Where you going? You getting food? Get Indian!
- Toki: Oh, gets sushi!
- Pickles: Get some fucking French toast this time, you cocksmokers!
- Murderface: I'm sick of French toast!
- Knubbler: We're not getting food, guys.
- Murderface: Why not?!
- Skwisgaar: We are goings to records my guitar part, and it may be the most dangerous things I ams ever dones.
- Toki: Then whys you dos it?
- Skwisgaar: Because I ams a tones-chaser.
- Nathan: That'd be funny if he said he was a squirrel-chaser. That'd be funnier, you know. Pickles, squirrel-chaser!
- Pickles: [clearly annoyed] Yeah, I know.
[Toki is reading a book about how to record songs]
- Toki: Okay so this ams the buttons that makes it records, and this ams the button that makes it stops records, and this ams the button that will makes it erase all of Skwisgaar's guitar tracks. [pushes the delete button] OH NO, WHATS HAS I DONE?!
[tries to play Skwisgaar's guitar solo]
- Toki: I can'ts plays it! It's too damns hard! Skwisgaars always makes it so hard! Damns you stupid, slow, stubby fingers, don'ts looks at me! Awww shucks...whats am I goings to do!?
[later, Skwisgaar and Knubbler are in the recording room]
- Skwisgaar: Hey Knubblers, still jazzed about hows greats dat recordings went. Mind playing me a couple of deh tracks?
- Toki: [with great worry] uh why's do dat? Hey, let's alls gets lunch - my treats! Let's get out of this stuffy place. Let's get outta--let's just get outs of this room! Come on! GOS! GO!
- Knubbler: Here you go, Skwisgaar. [pushes play, the track starts playing Toki's version of the solo]
- 'Skwisgaar: WHAT THE FUCKS IS DAT SOUND?! SOMESTHING IS WRONGS HERE! ISOLATES MY GUITARS TRACKS! [the solo is playing very bad; Skwisgaar glares at Toki]
- Toki: AHH! I'M SORRY'S, IT'S MY FAULT! I FUCKS IT ALL UP! Don'ts kicks me outs of deh band, I'lls do anything! I'LL SUCKS YOUR DICK!
- Skwisgaar: Toki! Pulls yourselfs together!
- Toki: I fucks it all up!
- Knubbler: Shit Skwisgaar, I really should have backed those sessions up.
- Toki: YEAH YOU SHOULDA BACKS THOSE SESSIONS UP!
- Knubbler: You'd do well as keep quiet, all right?! Shit SKwisgaar...you know what this means right?
[they re-record SKwisgaar's solo by skydiving again]
- Murderface: [in a tantrum about Dethklok passing on 'Takin' it Easy.'] You know what? Fuck you all! THat's right! [flips them off individually] Fuck you! Fuck you! AND FUCK YOU! What are you doing, Pickles? [camera cuts to Pickles' camera phone shot recording Murderface on his tantrum] ARE YOU FUCKING RECORDING ME ON YOUR CAMERA-PHONE, MOTHERFUCKER?!
- Pickles: [puts it away] Yeah, sorry I will put that away it's not appropriate.
Black Fire Upon Us (2.19)
- Skwisgaar: Are you drinking straights vodkas right now?
- Toki: Don't worrys about it.
- Skwisgaar: Toki, it's like noons.
- Toki: Oh thanks Bigs Bens, nows I knows whats times it is. I knows what I'ms doing.
- Skwisgaar: Toki, drinkings ain't a contest, you know that?
- Toki: Get offs my back!
- Charles: Moving right along-
- Nathan: Hey, hey! Listen, I actually would like to get serious for a moment, okay? If I could?
- Charles: Very well.
- Nathan: I uhh...I think it would be in the band's best interests to hire a uh...Buddhist Yoga...instructor guy dude.
- Pickles: Ohhh yeah. Yes I second that.
- Charles: Uhh, oh really? What because uh...you guys are interested in yoga? Spiritual guidance or-
- Skwisgaar: No, because we-
- Nathan: YES! YES! We want spiritual things.
- Charles: Is that really the reason?
- Nathan: Yup. Right guys?
- Murderface: I thought we... OHHHHHHH....Right!"
- Skwisgaar: Yeaaaah...
- Charles: I'm sorry, I don't understand. Why do you need this?
- Nathan: We'd like to be able to reach things a little bit better.
- Murderface: Right.
- Charles: To reach things?
- Murderface: Yeah reach...things.
- Charles: To reach things.
- Nathan: Yup. Conversation over.
- William Murderface: Hey mama...Follow me if you want to live.
- Nathan: Such a shame, she's so hot, but so fucking crazy.
- Toki: Yous just figures that out? All the hots ones is crazy!
- Nathan: Huh. Guess you're right.
- Toki: And deh ugly ones too.
- Nathan: [climbing down a ladder with a drunken Toki over his shoulder] I'm only saying it because you're so drunk that you aren't gonna remember it and you won't tell on me for givin' a shit about your life, but man you've been fuckin' way too drunk lately.
- Toki: Hey Nathans, is the real reasons ya tells me this is because ya cares about me?
- Nathan: Oh God...
- Toki: Ya caaares about me...
- Nathan: No, Toki, don't do this to me right now and don't throw up.
- [Toki throws up]
- Edgar Jonfru: [approaches Skwisgaar and Pickles with a shotgun] This is where it all ends. [loads shotgun]
- Skwisgaar: We're deads!
- Pickles: Skwisgaar....before we die...
- Skwisgaar: Yes, my friends?
- Pickles: ...I- I did it...
- Skwisgaar: Whats are you talkings about?
- Pickles: [crying] Last night. I did it. I sucked my own cock last night!
- [slight pause, Skwisgaar gives no response to Pickles, who pulls himself together and looks at Edgar]
- Pickles: I can die now.
- Metal Masked Assassin: I want you to stay alive! I want you to stay alive while I torture you! I want you to feel the pain...
- [the assassin is about to kill Ofdensen; Nathan knocks the assassin in the head with a large piece of wood]
- Nathan Explosion: That's my bread and butter you're fucking with!
- Damian: Look at this long haired monkey! [referring to Nathan Explosion] What kind of music do you play?
- Nathan Explosion: Death Metal! [punches Damian]
- Nathan Explosion (young): [after punching Damian during a meeting] Sorry....uh...again.
- Charles Ofdensen: Mm-hmm. What do I tell you guys before every meeting?
- Nathan Explosion: Try not to punch people.
- Charles Ofdensen: Try not to punch people. That's correct.
- Nathan Explosion: Shut up with the fucking construction, man! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT HUNG OVER PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP?! [gets up] How can people grow up listening to all that racket? [turns on some Black Metal; he looks somewhat annoyed] There that's better.
- Fan: My friends are never gonna believe me! [that he met Nathan Explosion and snuck into Mordhaus] See you guys later! [opens the door with three other girls and they all fall to their death]
- Murderface: We are not hiring a replacement manager, it's too fucking soon kemosabe. We're taking on all management uhh... things.
- Skwisgaar: I ams in charge of finance-skial treasuries.
- Pickles: And I'm head of financial business affairs.
- Nathan: I'm chief of financial receipts... gathering.
- Murderface: I'm deputy president of financial money.
- Toki: [dejectedly] And I'ms in charge of snacks... Fucking bullshit!
- Nathan: Welcome to Dethklok's Dorito Land! [two people get electrocuted trying to enter] And I'd like to remind you all that Dorito Land is not open to the public....it's just for us. Sorry.
- Toki Wartooth: [holding a black and white photo of Charles Ofdensen] I misses him Pickle...
- Pickles: We all do, Toki, even though we don't say it.
- Toki: Why don'ts we says it, Pickle?
- Pickles: Toki...[sighs] Because admitting sadness... [holds a little locket photo of Ofdensen]....makes you gay.
- Nathan Explosion: All right, check this out, it's scream-activated lighting. [screams, and concert lights turn on to a double-bass pedal beat]
- Text: MONEY SPENT ON DETHKLOK INTERIOR DESIGN. SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING- $12 MILLION
- Nathan: See? You come home, it's dark. Where are my keys? [screams, and lights up the keys on a desk] Over there. [to scientists] Put them in every single room in the house!
- Text: SCREAM ACTIVATED LIGHTING: IN EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE- $89.9 BILLION
- Scientist: I'm afraid that's going to cost an aweful lot of money, I'm just telling you.
- Nathan: FUCK money!
- Band: Yeah, FUCK money.
- Skwisgaar Skwigelf: This is my platinum practice chambers.
- Text: PLATINUM PRACTICE CHAMBER- $6.5 BILLION
- Skwisgaar: I haves a solid rubys metronomes.
- Text: SOLID RUBY METRONOME- $8.3 BILLION
- Skwisgaar: And a champagne humidifier.
- Text: CHAMPAGNE HUMIDIFIER- $2 MILLION
- Skwisgaar: So fucking expensive that it makes me horny.
- Pickles: This is my Endangered Species Furniture Room!
- Text: ENDANGERED SPECIES FURNITURE ROOM- $28 MILLION
[Pickles grabs a bottle of beer and opens it with a claw of an eagle]
- Text: CALIFORNIA CONDOR BOTTLE OPENER- $5 MILLION - GOLD PLATED MEERKAT SHELF HOLDER- $30 MILLION - GIANT PANDA THROW RUGS- $2 BILLION - GIANT TORTOISE OTTOMAN- $1.5 MILLION - SILVER GAZELLE WALL SCONCE- $4 MILLION - HELTER STORK TIFFANY LAMP- $6 MILLION
- Pickles: Seriously guys, fuck money!
[The power shuts off at Mordhaus]
- Skwisgaar: Uh, Williams, did yous pay the electrics bill?
- Murderface: Oh, what am I gonna pay it with, my farts?
- Nathan: Guys I've been crunching numbers and financially... I don't know how to say this but we're fucked. Thanks to Murderface's sandscape, we're in the red. Good one Murderface.
- Murderface: [stares and says nothing]
- Murderface: The uh- the construction has stopped.
- Toki: That's because they don't gets paid, stupid!
- Nathan: You're in a tribute band paying tribute to yourself? That's like jacking off to a picture of yourself online!
- Murderface: Which I've done.
- Toki: Of course I'm nots paying tributes to myself. In Thunderhorse, I'm Skwisgaar.
- Skwisgaar: Dat's why my pants and shirts keeps disappearing! Dat's fucking weird dudes.
- Toki: Well we're really good, we plays every Thursday nights.
- Murderface: Wait a minute...
- Nathan: Thursday night? That's impossible, you have astronaut class on Thursday night.
- Murderface: Astronaut class is a lie?! I've been telling everyone that you're gonna be an astronaut! Now you're making me look like an asshole!
- Nathan: Wow, what a shit-hole. Look at that stage, it's fucking tiny!
- Pickles: Oh wait, no dude, it's just an optical illusion. It just looks small because it's really far away. Check it out, I'll walk all the way over to it. [walks right into the stage] Holy shit! That's tiny!!
- Jimmy Palomino: It's my pleasure to welcome to the stage Norman Blowup, Pockles the Drummer, Toolkie Wolfpaint, Billy Butterface, and Skwisgaar Skwigelf!
- Skwisgaar: Didn'ts even change my names?!
- Nathan: Toki, you gotta let us into your band!
- Skwisgaar: I agrees! I thinks it is just what we needs!
- Toki: But we already gots a you. Me!
- Skwisgaar: Well fines then. I'll be you! A much betters you!
- Pickles: No it'll be perfect! We'll be regular jack-offs! No one will even know it's us if we're in our own tribute group!
- Toki: You all wants to join Thunderhorse?
- Nathan: Yes! We do! We're gonna take a break from that fucking disgusting asshole rich life. And what better way to do that than by joining a tribute band of the greatest band in the world? Dethklok!
[after recieving beer tickets as a result of a good gig; the band doesn't know how to use them]
- Murderface: You do it, I'm not doing it.
- Pickles: I'll do it, I don't care.
- Nathan: Yeah you do it Pickles, go, see...
- Murderface: See what happens.
- Nathan: Yeah, see what happens. See what happens.
- Murderface: See if you gotta wait for a little...
- Nathan: Go. Go go go go go.
[Pickles goes to the bar]
- Pickles: I have a beer ticket for one beer please.
[bartender gives him a beer]
- Nathan: What- what is he doing?
[Pickles rejoins the group]
- Murderface: What happened?
- Pickles: [in complete awe] Guys....it's a beer!
- Skwisgaar: You means dat dats things dat he gaves you ams likes littles moneys whats ams onlys for beers?
- Pickles: [enraged] How come Dethklok never got beer tickets before?!
- Murderface: Yeah, what the hell?
- Nathan: All right, listen. This is bullshit. All we ever get is all the booze we can ever drink! We never get beer tickets!
[Dethklok is trying to make fliers for a Thunderhorse gig]
- Clerk: Next. [Dethklok approaches] Oh, look at you guys, you're a baaand huh? That's REAL exciting! Making fliers huh, so you can get BIG and famous!
- Nathan: [really tired] Uhhh...yeah, you know, we'd like to make some fliers.
- Clerk: And what's your band called?
- Pickles: [really tired] Uhh we're called, uh, Thun-
- Clerk: [mocking] I NEVER HEARD OF THEM! SURPRISE!
- Toki: [dressed as Skwisgaar] That's whys we am gettings fliers so peoples whats knows what who we are.
- Clerk: And you're gonna be a big Rock 'N Roll star huh? Wowwweeeee. Another baaand!
- Nathan: If I wasn't so lethargic from hunger, I'd uh....kick your ass and make copies of it here...copy... [stomach growls loudly] That's my stomach...making that sound...
- Nathan: You know, uh, guys? It's hard to say this but... I've had my fucking fill of getting back to our roots... And that's because it fucking sucks.
- Pickles: I am so glad you said that. I mean the reason we're in Dethklok is because we all paid our dues already!
- Toki: I didn'ts.....
- Skwisgaar: I says we gets the fuck out of here.
- Pickles: But dude we still have to do that benefit. We promised those guys we'd do it!
- Nathan: Thunderhorse promised, not Dethklok. Dethklok's getting the fuck out of here, getting some fucking food!
- Charles: Guys, you aren't going to die, you'll be fine-
- Nathan: Stop saying die, use a different word.
- Murderface: Use a different phrase like-
- Nathan: Something like, uh, something that's good instead of death, like-
- Muderface: Hamburger Time.
- Nathan: Hamburger Time, perfect. Say Hamburger Time.
- Toki: Hamboigers Time.
- Nathan: Use Hamburger Time, alright?
- Charles: Well as long as you guys are all worried about, uh... Hamburger Time, uh, maybe it would help a little bit if you guys all went to the doctor. Got a checkup.
- [the band grumbles against this]
- Murderface: Look, my uncle had a big huge thing growing on his neck, and fine. Then he goes to the doctor: cancer. Bing Bang Boom! Hair out, Hamburger Time.
- Nathan: I just don't want some guy with no reason to live fuck with my mouth, you know what I mean?
- Toki: Why can'ts it be a ladies boobs whats cleans your teeth?
- [pause, then Murderface and Nathan start chuckling]
- Murderface: You know, usually...
- Nathan: Usually you have really bad ideas, but that-
- Murderface: That's a billion-dollar idea.
- Nathan: Cleaning your teeth with tits!
- Pickles: Dudes, we party too hard, so our bodies are in terrible shape. We gotta trick the doctor by making it seem like we're in really good shape. And there's only one way to do that. Bleach. [holds up a jug of bleach] Here, drink this Murderface. [hands it to Murderface]
- Skwisgaar: Uhh, maybe this ams a stupid question, buts, why don'ts we just pours bleach into our cups of...urines?
- Pickles: [looking angry at the suggestion] No! Drink the bleach!
- Nathan: Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water. And we are mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
- Murderface Guys, I gotta direct this all back to me for a second, Okay?. Look... A doctor jacked me off in his face, and the more I think about it, the less okay I am with it. You know what i'm saying?
- Charles: All right guys, uh, we just got some test results back from the lab and, uh, Pickles you're not dying.
- Pickles: [drunk and high] Oohh, I'm nat dyiiing?
- Charles: There's something wrong with your urine, what happened?
- Pickles: Ohh! I switched my pee with Murderface!
- Murderface: That's not my pee, I switched with Skwisgaar.
- Skwisgaar: Well it's not me, I switched mines with Nathan's.
- Nathan: Well it's not me, I switched mine with Toki.
- Toki: I switched my pee with my cat's pee and he's right- [the cat is dead] OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S DEAD! OH NOOOO! That cat was the bestest friends I ever hads! [faints]
[Nathan and his dentist are hunting]
- Nathan Explosion: Hey man I gotta tell ya. One of the coolest hunting trips I've ever been on.
- Dentist: I'm really glad we've become pals, Mr. Explosion. Check this out. [sticks his rifle in his mouth and kills himself]
- Toki: WHAT YOU MEAN WE CAN'TS DO SECRETS SANTAS?!
- Nathan: Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?
- Skwisgaar: We don'ts thinks it ams Metal to bes nice to each others.
- Toki: AND I FUCKING DO!
- Pickles: Toki, why don't you drop it? You're just driving us fucking crazy.
- Toki: I ain'ts listens to yous no more! I'm going shoppings. Yes! Shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gifts. And I wants to see the looks on all your fat fucking faces, when I gets you great presents! Ha ha! Fucks you! [leaves]
- Nathan: I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.
[Nathan, Skwisgaar and Pickles are looking at a Christmas tree in the Rec Room]
- Skwisgaar: Fuck Tokis. Christmas trees. This amn't brutal.
- Nathan: Well, you know what? It's growing on me. It's like having a rotting corpse in your house, but the corpse of a tree, you know? It's kind of baddass. It stands and then you humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it, like "Fuck you."
- Pickles: Y'know, when you say it like that it makes sense, but still... it-it still sucks, y'know?
- Klokateer: Shall I burn it, my lords?
- Nathan: No, leave it. Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it or whatever, you know. It'll be bearable, I guess.
- (Dethklok's mothers are busy decorating the Mordhaus Rec Room. Sveltana Skwigelf is bent over, wrapping a present, as Murderface leers at her buttocks lecherously. Skwisgaar is drinking a bottle of vodka, looking rather irritated)
- Nathan: Hey Skwisgaar, Murderface is eyeing up your mom like a fucking piece of meat.
- Skwisgaar: (sourly) Yes. I am noticings this. Thats is whys I am drinking.
- Toki: [enters meeting room] Whats I miss?
- Murderface: TOKI! Why do you smell like piss and cocaine?
- Toki: Oh that's not me.
- Dr. Rockso: Oh k-k-k-k-k-k-k-Hanukkah! A-k-k-k-k-hello!
[Toki enters the bathroom]
- Toki: Dr. Rockso?
- Dr. Rockso: [sitting by a full bathtub, going through withdrawals] Oh, Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... Oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!
- Toki: [kneels by Rockso] For the records, Dr. Rockso I can'ts gets you drugs, thats would be enables you... But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.
- Dr. Rockso: [hugs Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby. [shoves Toki's head under the water] NOW YOU GET ME THOSE FUCKING DRUGS!! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!! YOU HEAR ME?! I'll fuckin- [faints]
[Dethklok and their mothers is trying to find a place to park in a mall parking lot]
- Molly: You just missed another spot.
- Rose: How many times are you going to pass that spot?!
- Nathan: [driving] Where? Which one?
- Rose: Back there! For God's sake! [Nathan backs up]
- Nathan: I can't see with all these people in here! [another car takes the spot referred to]
- Stella: Too late! You blew it!
- Molly: Fantastic! [Nathan drives some more around the parking lot]
- Murderface: Ahh, Grandma, he's just trying to drive! Leave him alone and back off!
- Molly: We don't speak to our grandmothers that way! Take this! [slaps Murderface]
- Murderface: OWWW!
- Pickles: Mom! Don't smack Murderface! [gets slapped] Ow!
- Rose: Quick! TUrn!
[Nathan hits another car]
- [Occupant of Other Car] What the hell? You hit my car!
- Nathan: Hey! I have four mothers telling me how to drive! What's your excuse, asshole?!
- Stella: Tell him you're sorry.
- Nathan: I'm sorry!
- Nathan: Are you leaving?
- Dr. Rockso: [to a drug dealer] COme one man, hurry up. I got something to do. Guess what? Cocaine!
[at a park]
- Dr. Rockso: [walking with joy] Yoo-hoo! You know what I do, baby! And I'm doing it! Snorting cocaine! [to a Hot Dog stand salesman] Hey, Johnny hot dog! Guess what I do! COCAINE! He didn't even answer. [to a shoe-shining man] Hey, shoe-shine boy! [takes out his bag of cocaine] Wanna check me out with some of this here, cocaine! [to a large rodent] Hey Mr. zoo animal! Check this out! [holds up his bag of cocaine] Cocaine! [to a little boy holding a red balloon] Hey little boy with the b-b-b-b-balloon! Check this out! [whispers] Cocaine! Don't tell nobody! [to a Police Officer near the boy] Hey Mr. Police- Uh-oh!! [hides the cocaine bag behind his back]
[Knubbler and Murderface are acting as wisemen presenting gifts to Jesus in a Nativity Scene]
- Knubbler: I bring some wonderful frankincense.
- Murderface: Great. That's what I got him!
- Knubbler: How do you like that? We both got him the same thing.
- Murderface: Ohhh Lord!
- Knubbler: Hey! That's blasphemy!
- Murderface: No, I mean 'Oh, Lord! Right there!' A miracle has been bestowed upon us this day!
[studio awes, flatulence is heard]
- Knubbler: I think he may have bestowed something into his diapers.
- Knubbler: The king has truly blessed us.
[studio awes; more flatulence]
- Murderface: Maybe he can stop blessing us, something's starting to smell bad.
- [Murderface and Knubbler are sitting on the couch in a skit]
- Knubbler: Looks like another wonderful, but lonely Christmas Eve with just you and me, right old pal?
- Murderface: Yup. Looks like the two of us, again.
- [doorbell rings]
- Knubbler: Oh I guess you know what that sound means...
- Murderface: Oh, the Christmas goose is finished getting microwaved?
- [studio laughter]
- knubbler: Noooo. It means we have some guests!
- [door opens and Dethklok's mothers enter the scene very drunk d espite Dethklok locking all the booze away.]
- Stella: Well hellooooo....
- Knubbler: It's Dethklok's mothers!
- Murderface: [aggravated] And they've been drinking! Yeah, uh take your time staggering in. Like this ain't live TV or anything.
- Knubbler: Yes, who would have thought that Dethklok would have mothers? Ha ha...yes...
- [doorbell rings]
- Murderface: I'll get it! Wouldn't it be great if it was more friendly guests?
- opens the door to see Nathan Explosion, who punches Murderface in his face]
- Nathan: Why didn't you tell me that this thing was being sponsored by religion? That's not fucking cool dude. [enters]
- [Murderface laughs nervously]
- Knubbler: Hey watch the F-bombs all right? This...was written, this was written...
- [doorbell rings; Dr. Rockso enters]
- Dr. Rockso: Oh-k-k-k-k-k-Rockso! Made his way onto the lot with the Christmas party baby!
- Toki: [enraged] Oh Rockso, you fucking piece of shits! You stole the Christmas presents! I FUCKING KILLS YOU ROCKSO!!!
- Stella: Out of my way, here it comes! [crashes her Rascal into a big wooden cross, crushing both her and Toki]
- Toki: AAAAAH!! OW, MY LEG!!! AAAH! TOKI'S LEG!!! [screams and babbles in agony]
- Pickles: Dude, we need a doctor over here!
- Stella: Heeeelp! Heeeelp!
- Pickles: Dude, we need a fucking doctor over here!
- Nathan: Murderface, I think you grandma's, like, hurt or something, you should help her.
- Murderface: Can't you just let me enjoy this moment?
- Dr. Rockso: Hey, Swisgaar, check it out! I'm getting a handj-j-job from your m-m-m-mom!
- Skwisgaar: Moms, nooo! [plays his guitar quickly as a way to cope]
- Dr. Rockso: Oh, she's got that Swedish grip, too! Just like you play that guitar. Ohhh, fiddly widdly widdly oooh...
- Murderface: What the FUCK?! THAT'S MY GIRL!!
- Dr. Rockso: Ah, is someone having a bad Christmas?
- Murderface: YOU GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!
- Charles: So, uh, I think we should,uh, be a little sensitive towards Skwisgaar, he's going through a lot, you know, uh... He's started searching for his biological father so... maybe we should show a little bit of affection towards him.
- Toki: Ha ha! That's-that's gays...
- Nathan: Oh man, don't say "showing affection" and expect us to fucking react.
- Charles: Okay, well guys listen, I mean think about it. Skwisgaar never had a father, alright?
- Toki: So? My dads just died!
- [flashback to the traumatic death of Toki's father under the ice]
- Toki: .... [smiles] And I'm totally cools with it!
- Charles: Guys, I'm saying he never even had-
- Muderface: My father's dead and I'm totally fine!
- [flashback to baby Murderface witnessing his father's murder/suicide]
- Murderface: .... I love that my dad's dead.
- Pickles: Look, I got no relationship with my dad, other than I hate him, y'know?
- [flashback to teenage Pickles ready to run away, his father looking at him hatefully]
- Calvert: Get out of here, you belong in a garbage can!
- [Pickles glares and looks ready to cry]
- Pickles: Y'know I realized the other day that I don't even know his first name. And I'm proud, I'm proud to know that I don't know that.
- Charles: All right, I get it, fine, you're all without fathers, all right-
- Nathan: I'm not... [smiles] I fucking love my dad.
- [Flashback to Nathan and his father going fishing, racing go-carts, and playing Scrabble, enjoying each others company.]
- Nathan: My dad's fucking awesome.
- Toki: I don't wants to sounds insensitives, but I means, if Skwisgaar doesn't gets his craps togethers I may really has a shots at beings the leads guitarist! Mes, Tokis! Finallys ams no mores in the shadows! What do you thinks about that, Pickle?
- Pickles: Toki, don't you think it's a little early to start jumping to conclusions?
- Toki: .... [angrily] Jumps to conclusions?! Whats the fucks is thats supposed to means, huh?!
- Pickles: Nothing, nothing-
- [Toki grabs Pickles by the shirt and shakes him]
- Toki: You listens to me, when I's becomes lead guitarists things whats has gots to change arounds here!
- Pickles: Fine, fine! Just let go of me, you're squeezing my nipples off!
- Toki: I'm sorry!
- Pickles: Don't get physical with people!
- [Skwisgaar is in his bed with two young and one old lady. A Klokateer enters]
- Skwisgaar: Any news on my fathers?
- Klokateer: I'm sorry my lord, but none of the DNA tests match.
- Skwisgaar: Ugh...
- Klokateer: All those thousands of men managed to ejaculate into your mother without being your father. He must still be out there, but he hasn't come forward. All those men... All that ejaculate-
- Skwisgaar: [grossed out] Yes, thank you, I understands! Just... please leaves me be.
- Old Lady: Hey, what about us? When will we be satisfied?
- Skwisgaar: I never thought I would say this, but... I'm nots in the mood.
- Comedian: And William Murderface! What's it like spending a day with actual musicians? [Murderface says nothing, while everyone around him laughs] All those years and nothing's rubbed off?
- Nathan: [laughing hard] Yeah!
- Comedian: Seriously folks, what do you throw a drowning bass player? His amp!
[Murderface loks annoyed and insulted at the same time]
- Comedian: And Skwisgaar Skwigelf! You fuck more woman than breast cancer! [more laughs] I'm kidding of course, but back to Murderface. After selling krillions of records, its refreshing to see, that women still won't fuck you! [more laughs, William just looks on] Skinky crack whores who need the money are like, "no thanks."
- Murderface: [softly] That's not true.
- Toki: Guys I'm nervous. I don'ts even knows how to go abouts this findings a lady business.
- Nathan: Oh Toki, that is cute. That's precious.
- Pickles: You need some datin' advice from your pals.
- Toki: Oh thats would be very helpful Pickle.
- Pickles: Okay, well, heres what you do to meet a lady, alright? You get your tour manager to find you some chick and when he brings her backstage you pull out your dick!
- Skwisgaar: Ja, you pulls out your dicks!
- Toki: Pulls out your-? Guys, I'm talkings abouts real dates here.
- Pickles: How is that not a real date?
- Nathan: Yeah, how is that not a real date Toki?
- Toki: A date's wheres you actually talks to a girl, and she says stuffs, and you asks her questions, and she talks back-
- Skwisgaar: Questions, waits a minute, questions?! You means like whens we're in courts questions?
- eLadyMates Consultant: Mr. Wartooth, our company is very serious about finding their clients a life-ladymate partner.
- Toki: Life-ladymates partner.
- Consultant: Yes. We're confident that our matching system is so solid that we give a 100% guarantee.
- Toki: Well, that ams some impressive numbers, buts I'm lookings not onlys for a friends but also a companions and the mothers to my childrens.
- Consultant: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.
- Toki: ....That's it?
- Consultant: Yes, sir.
- Toki: Huh.
- Consultant: We can pinpoint your future ladymate partner's fertility to the second.
- Murderface: Not to brag, but I can pinpoint my fertility, too. All I need is some lotion and a little DSL-quality internet and some napkins. [Toki looks mortified and the consultant shocked] I'm kidding, of course! Keep going.
- Toki: I tolds you you could comes in if you didn'ts ruins my meeting.
- Murderface: I think I'm enhancing the meeting. [Toki covers his eyes with his hand in embarrassment] Look, sir, I just want to meet like a hundred girls and fuck the bajeesus out of them. So, uh, can we set up an account here or something?
- Consultant: We don't do that here. This is for lifemates.
- Murderface: Damn! This is not gonna be easy.
- Toki: Just waits in the fucking lobby!
- Murderface: Sorry! Gaaaah! [to consultant] You better find this guy some pussy because he is really-
- Toki: WILL YOU FUCKINGS GETS OUT OF HERE?!?!
[Toki finishes his date with his horribly ugly lifemate]
- Caroline: Great date. Oh, here's my fertility chart.
- Toki: Oh, it's a-... Really?
- Caroline: The 15th. You'll have to keep it open.
- Toki: The 15ths?
- Caroline: Oh, that's when we'll have intercourse.
- Toki: Inst-instecourse? I means we just barelys mets.
- Caroline: I like the name Wilthmore or Donnington.
- Toki: For whats?
- Caroline: For our baby. I've gotta go. Looking forward to our long, long future together lifemate.
- Toki: ...Oh...
- Caroline: Don't forget to keep the 15th open so you can deposit your sperm into my vagina with your penis.
- Toki: ....... Okay.....
- Facebones: Hey folks, it's me. Facebones!
- Klokateer: All right! Facebones! [another Klokateer shocks him]
- Facebones: I'm here to talk about a very serious issue! Sexual harassment in the workplace! But first, what is sexual harassment? Well, sexual harassment is the act of degrading people, with your sexuality. It takes the power away from the people being harassed, and makes the harasser, more powerful than ever!
- Murderface: I got fucking peppersprayed. How-how does that give me power?
- Facebones: Compliments in the workplace can easily become as construtant as flirtation. Now, a short example. In this example, a Klokateer will be equipped with a shocking mechanism, that will help guide him into behaving properly at work!
- Male Klokateer: Is that a new belt?
- Female Klokateer: Yes, it is.
- Male Klokateer: It looks very good. [gets shocked] AHHH!!!
- Facebones: Saying that your belt looks good can be taken as a sexual offense. Let's try that again!
- Male Klokateer: Is that a new belt?
- Female Klokateer: Yes.
- Male Klokateer: That is good information to have. [red light goes off with an alarm]
- Facebones: Saying something like, "that is good information to have" could be kind of creepy. And they could think that he's compiling information for a parking lot attack, or a home invasion. And thaaat's harassment!
[Male klokateer gets shocked again]
- Male Klokateer: AHHHHHHHH, FUUUUCK!
- Facebones: Cursing in the workplace can also make people feel awkward. Now let's try that again.
- Male Klokateer: Is that a new belt?
- Female Klokateer: Yes, it is.
- Male Klokateer: [gets shocked right away] AHHHHHHH!
- Facebones: Best to avoid all those compliments and continue working! Now let's watch that again without all those confusing compliments!
[example starts] [Male Klokateer, who looks badly beat from all the shocking walks on by with his head down past the female klokateer]
- Facebones: Well done! But what if our klokateer didn't want to make any complimants, but instead, a fun joke?
[bright letters flash]
- Voice: NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE! NO JOKING IN THE WORKPLACE!
- Facebones: Humor is hurtful and can ruin lives. We're almost done folks. We're rounding the corner to finish our sexual harassment fun marathon! And also practical information! Do not linger around in restrooms. Keep your office door open so the people can see that you're clearly not jacking off in there. If you get a boner during work, best excuse yourself and go home! Here's a list of t hings to remember to avoid being caught in a tricky sexual harassment lawsuit. HERE WE GO! [speaking fast] Err on the side of caution do not tell people they look good do not compare people to each other dress conservatively do not make fun of people resist the urge to be friendly this could be taken as flirting if you do happen to accidentally flirt do not make up for it by being overly friendly this could be taken as an aggressive attack.
- Murderface: [annoyed] WILL THIS THING NEVER END?!?!
- Nathan: So this girl wants to get it on with you?
- Toki: Yeahs, the 15ths.
- Nathan: Why is that important?
- Toki: That's when she says she ams ovulatings and that's the chances are highs for whats to be pregnants.
- Pickles: So she wants to have planned sex with you.
- Nathan: Sex designed to procreate? Ugh! Fucking gross.
- Pickles: You can't tell me when to have a boner! That's my business!
- Toki: And you knows what else? [brings up Caroline's photo on his Dethphone] This is what she looks like!
- Nathan: Ohhh boy...
- Toki: She looks like a gorilla whats been shaved!!!
- Pickles: Yeah, well, your in the hot seat. Look, you want some advice, I got some for you, alright? When the 15th comes, you just gotta listen. Alright?
- Toki: Listens?
- Pickles: You need listen to your dick Toki. Your dick will tell you exactly what you need to do, alright? Listen to your dick.
- Nathan: Yeah, listen to your dick.
- Toki: Listens to my dick!
- Nathan: And also, don't ever get into a room that you can't get out of.
[Toki and Murderface start their own recording industry]
- Murderface: Congratulations, you can now call your parents and safely say you are now Murdertooth recording artists, Get Thee Hence!
- Get Thee Hence Band: Yeaaah! [start celebrating]
- Lead Singer: So where's our advance, son?
- Murderface: Uhh I'm sorry I don't even know what you're talking about.
- Bass Player: Where's our fucking advance, you heard us.
- Murderface: Oh oh oh the advance! Oh you mean advance money!
- Lead singer: Wait wait wait. Hold up hold up hold up. Are you sure you're even a fucking label?
- Toki: Kinds of.
- Murderface: [shoves Toki away] Toki shut up! We're the fucking real deal, bros. But look. Shouldn't we get a contract in place or something?
- DJ: You guys hear that fucking back peddling bullshit fucking suits.
- Murderface: What? No, man! We're not suits! We're your bros. Toki, get my checkbook. [gets checkbook] Sooo, what uhh like five thousand?
- Bass Player: What do I look like, a fucking hooker?
- Murderface: Fifteen.
- Lead Singer: Keep coming.
- Murderface: Thirty.
- Lead Singer: Uh uh.
- Murderface: [growing nervous] Forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, hundred, hundred-ten [faster] hundred-twenty, hundred thirty, hundred forty-hundred fifty, hundred sixty, hundred seventy, hundred eighty, hundred ninety, two hundred! Two-ten, two-twenty, two-thirty, two-forty, two-fifty, two-sixty, two-seventy, two-eighty, two-ninety, three hundred! Five...hundred thousand dollars! And that is my final offer-five-ten. Five-twenty? Five-thirty, five-forty, six hundred? Seven hundred. Eight hundred. Nine hundred...a million.
- Nathan: A rap-rock band with a DJ? Somebody tell this band what year it is.
[All band mates are surrounded by alcohol bottles, even Charles has one. Pickles has none.]
- Charles: Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
- Nathan: So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
- Pickles: What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
- Nathan: Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
- Pickles: The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
- Toki: Denials.
- Murderface: Denial!
- Skwisgaar: Textbooks case.
- Nathan: Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah.
- Nathan: Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
- Murderface: Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
- Skwisgaar: Yeahs, lightweights!
- Nathan: You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
- Pickles: It's part of the show!
- Nathan: Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
- Pickles: [pause] I hate you all. I really do.
- Nathan: [slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
- Pickles: What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
- Nathan: You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
- Skwisgaar: You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
- Nathan: Yeah, that's a natural high.
- Murderface: Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
- Charles: Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
- Murderface: God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
- Charles: I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
- Murderface: I think it's an awesome death.
- Nathan: Fucking bad-ass death.
- Toki: Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
- Charles: Now an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
- Nathan: So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
- Charles: Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
- Toki: [flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
- Nathan: Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
- Murderface: Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
- Charles: Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
- Facebones: Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
- Nathan: [drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
- Facebones: And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
- Nathan: Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
- Skwisgaar: We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
- Toki: That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
- Computer: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
- Facebones: The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
- Nathan: Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
- Skwisgaar: Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
- Murderface: Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!
- [Toki visits Dr. Rockso in jail]
- Dr. Rockso: Toki! Oh thank God! You gotta get Dr. Rockso outta here! I can't tell you what they're doing to me in the joint! [sobs]
- Toki: Shuts up Rockso. You have beens a constant source of disappoint-ska-ments.
- Dr. Rockso: [sobs again]
- Toki: Enoughs! Ever since I knows you, you acts like a dildos! And you used the be a greats rock n' roll clown. You used to bes a star! But looks at you now. You're like a dogs whats bloateds and rottings on the sides of the roads. Likes a turds in the toilet ins an abandoned buildings whats no ones even flushed. Likes a dead whore whats the police won't even investigate 'cause no one cares-
- Dr. Rockso: [annoyed] Okay baby, I get the idea...
- Toki: Buts... den's I realized... That's it! You amn'ts on tops, and that's whys you haves slumpeds to the bottoms of garbage! You needs to be backs on tops Rockso! I'ms gonna bails you out, and helps you reforms your old band: Zazz Blammymatazz!
- Toki: Alls we gots to do is sells a bunch of tickets, make sure Rockso performs and thens we makes our money backs and thens we goes on vacations -- easy!
- Nathan: You think this is the first time that group of fucking clowns has tried to reunite?
- Skwisgaar: Whats do you means?
- Nathan: There was that one time they almost reunited, but Rockso drank a whole bunch of acid right before he went onstage and just spent the whole night spraying some lady with huge tits in the front row with a big spraying thing and they didn't even play one song. Cancelled. Then they were supposed to reunite, but Rockso, the night before, smuggled like twenty condoms worth of cocaine into his intestines. Then he ate some super-spicy Mexican food and the condoms melted and O.D.'d and he couldn't perform. Canceled. Then there was that one time they were about to reunite and like Rockso borrowed $20 million from the Ecuadorian drug cartel and they were like, "Give us our money back," and he's like, "No, I'm not gonna give you your money back," and they're like, "Well, we're gonna shoot you," and he's like, "Well, go ahead and shoot me" and they shot him. And now he pees out the side of his dick. And uh... they canceled the show. So, that's what I heard.
- Pickles: Yeah, heard that.
- Nathan: Look -- there's nothing I hate more than that fucking clown, but there isn't anything I won't do to hang out with MICKEY MOUSE!
[Dethklok is freezing in the snow after being left behind the bus]
- Skwisgaar: Why didn'ts we brings our jackets?
- Pickles: Dudes this is a totally humiliating way to die! Huddled together, like a bunch of homos!
- Murderface: [whispering] Pickles...we need to use each others body heat to stay alive. I'm telling you here.
- Pickles: Ugh, just try not to get a boner!
- Murderface: YOU try not to get a boner from me!
[after Dethklok is retrieved]
- Pickles: What the hell happened out there?! You!
- Nathan: Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
- Toki: Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
- Skwisgaar: Owww!
- Murderface: I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
- Ofdensen: Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
- Nathan: ...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
- Dethkone Tagline: Dethkones. Icy and brutal!
- Ofdensen's Assistant: Pardon me sir, but did you just order 70 million units of-
- Ofdensen: Yeah.
- Ofdensen: Did you...book a gig...in Syria...without telling me?!
- Pickles: Eh...
- Murderface: Why are you yelling at us?
- Nathan: There's something bigger to think about. Our manager finally hates us...
- Ofdensen: Now, if for some reason, I can't convince one of these two countries to reschedule, we could be the cause of World War III...which will hurt record sales. And that's our bread and butter they're fucking with.
[at the U.N.]
- Ofdensen: Now listen, it's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability. For that, I may need a little patience on your- [Dethphone rings; clears throat] Sorry. [silences phone] I may need a little patience as I iron out the-
- Assistant: Sir, it's Dethklok.
- Ofdensen: Well, tell them "no." I'll have to return their phone call.
- Assistant: They claim it's rather urgent.
- Ofdensen: Urgent? Very well. [to the U.N. members] I'm very sorry. Uh guys, I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now.
- Pickles: Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt!
- Ofdensen: I'm trying to solve the Israeli-Syrian issue with the U.N. right now and-
- Nathan: Hey! It's Nathan! He hit me too! And he keeps on hitting all of us!
- Ofdensen: Well uh, maybe if you-
- Murderface: Hey! Hey!
- Ofdensen: Mhmm?
- Murderface: It's William.
- Ofdensen: Yes.
- Murderface: I was just standing there, and Toki walks up and slaps me hard, REALLY HARD on the back! And I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke him!
- Skwisgaar: No neithers did any ofs us! And now I gots a fuckings welts all over my arms.
- Ofdensen: Okay well listen-
- Murderface: AND THE TV NEWS CALLED ME FAT!
- Ofdensen: Okay. Guys?
- Murderface: Y-yes?
- Ofdensen: I'm really busy right now. In the mean time, try to tell Toki, that you don't appreciate being hit.
- Nathan: YOU TELL HIM! He won't listen to us! We know he won't!
- Murderface: No he won't! You have to do it!
- Ofdensen If I get home before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just- I can't do it right now, I'm in the-
- Pickles: NO! NOW!
- Murderface: We're watching you on TV! We'll know if you don't!
- Nathan: Yeah, you're on C-SPAN!
- Pickles: You're not doing it!
- Ofdensen: Uh, my apologies ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I uh, have to uh...make a quick phone call. Toki. [clears throat] [phone ringing] Uhh, hello, Toki, uh-
- Toki's Answering Machine: Hi! You've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths. I'm not homes right now, but listens very carefullys to these followings instructions! After you hears a beep, please leaves detaileds message, on whos you are, and whats you lieks to talks to Toki Wartooths abo- [beep]
- Pickles: Guys I'm really worried about Nathan. Dating a fan is kind of a no-no.
- Toki: What abouts a quicks humps with a groupies. What ams wrongs with thats?
- Skwisgaar: Well, Tokis, you cans humps all the groupies you wants but, you know...
- Pickles: But don't make a fan your girlfriend!
- Murderface: Why not?!
- Pickles: Because fans are crazy obsessed weirdos, you can't have a real relationship with them! Mark my words! He'll see! It always ends badly! [Nathan enters] What a sad dildoooo...[notices Nathan] Hi.
- Nathan: ...Hi.
- Nathan: Listen, all of you. My girl-fan-friend is fucking awesome, okay?! It's a great relationship!
- Pickles: It's not a relationship, it's an ego booster!
- Nathan: She's like totally the most loyal person in the world. She's like a fucking amazing, hot...loyal...Labrador...but with really nice tits.
- Murderface: All we're saying is she kinda sounds like a crazy dildo.
[Nathan's girlfriend enters next to Murderface]
- Girlfriend: ...Hi.
[several shots of Nathan and his girlfriend making out in front of the other band members]
- Toki: [disgusted] Uhhh, come on guys, we gots to gos to a meetings.
- Nathan: Yeah you're right. Let's go. Charles always gets pissed off when were late, you know? [chuckles; Charles walks in] He's such an uptight [notices him standing right beside him] diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiildooooooooooooooo-hi.
- Ofdensen: [not amused] ...Hi.
- Stampingston: Gentlemen, Dethklok has returned back to Earth and is on the verge of releasing a new record. General Crozier?
- Crozier: In addition, Nathan Explosion has begun dating a fan.
- Orlaag: Historically, dating a fan has proven to be catastrophic.
- Stampingston: Yes. Here to speak more is Nathan Explosion Romance expert, Dr. Tormanbin McMildidindindin. Dr. McMildidindindin?
- Dr. Tormanbin McMildidindindin: Nathan Explosion is cursed by love! In this case he is involved in the worst relationship known to mankind; he's begun seriously dating one of his wretched, mindless, fans. A lactic pathetic attempt to avoid intimacy. These fan elastic pretend relationships have the illusion of working, but when the celebrity wants out, the results can be quite dangerous.
[at Klokikon] [all Dethklok members except Nathan are smoking]
- Skwisgaar: Oh my Gods, looks at dis place.
- Nathan: Sweaty nerds!
- Toki: Ugh, cosplay geeks!
- Pickles: Dethklok furries!
- Skwisgaar: Just what we needs, more homoskektuals fanfictions.
- Toki: [upon seeing a naked picture of him] Hey looks that ams a really good renderings of my abs!
- Nerd in a Wheelchair: Can you guys get out of my way? I wanna...buy a Dethklok comic book.
- Murderface: Where did you get a 100 ounce Coca-Cola?
- Nerd: It's a galloner...
- Nathan: Can I ask you something, did you eat all that garlic crazy bread?
- Nerd: [moving on] Yeah...
[a Pickles Cosplayer rolls up]
- Fat Pickles: Nice Nathan outfit!
- Nathan: Thanks. [Pickles gorans] ...Fat Pickles...
- Skwisgaar: Hey fat Pickle, you don't know wheres the Tringles exhibition is, do you?
[Fat Skwisgaar Cosplayer walks up eating a hamburger]
- Fat Skwisgaar: Oh, I do, it's over there...
- Skwisgaar: Ams thats supposed to be me?
- Fat Skwisgaar: Are you guys smoking? You know that's bad for you...
- Nathan: [clearly annoyed] Thank you for the, uh, heath advice. Come on let's go!
- Conferenceman: Can you guys ever be serious?
- Nathan: [smiling] Oh can I ever be serious? Can I ever be serious, that's a good question. Can I ever be serious? I dunno, I guess THAT'S DOABLE! [applause] Thank you! Thank you, I'm really glad everyone loves my catchphrase!
- Conferenceman 2: How come what's-his-face isn't here?
- Nathan: What's-his-face...
- Conferenceman 2: Uhhh Toki!
- Nathan: Toki!
- Pickles: Oh Toki's not here!
- Nathan: I wonder if we forgot him. I wonder if that's doable. Thank you.
- Ofdensen: So uh, we're gonna be doing some community outreach to combat the negative press, resulting from your uh, apparent racial insensitivity.
- Pickles: Your apparent racial sensitivity? Do you think that sounds a little racist?
- Nathan: Yeah that sounds a little racist to me.
- Ofdensen: It's not me they're calling a racist, they're calling you racists.
- Nathan: We're not racists! We don't give a fuck what color our fans are, because we don't give a fuck about our fans! Isn't that right?!
- Pickles: Boy is that ever!
- Ofdensen: Either way the media thinks your racists.
- Nathan: Hey! Listen! I know we like to joke around a lot about everything, but I love ethnics, I mean I love Mexican...food.
- Murderface: Yup.
- Nathan: Chinese food.
- Murderface: Yup.
- Nathan: Black, uhhh, liquorice.
- Ofdensen: Guys this youth center is gonna mean a lot to your minority fans so let's just get through this and we won't be racist anymore. I mean uh, we never were...but people thought we were. But I know I'm not racist, and I suspect that you are not. Okay once they get their building-
- Nathan: They?
- Ofdensen: Okay...then we get our non-racist reputation back.
- Murderface: Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]
- Toki: [phone rings] Hello?
- Murderface: [in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!
- Toki: Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?
- Murderface: We can order pizza!
- Toki: Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?
[Murderface snickering hangs up and dials again]
- Toki: Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!
- Skwisgaar: One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.
- Murderface: [different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?
- Skwisgaar: Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?
- Nathan: [holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like fucking soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?
- Ofdensen: Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!
- Pickles: Told you so.
- Ofdensen: It's too late.
- Skwisgaar: Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...
- Toki: Oh what happened?
- Skwisgaar: Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...
[at Dethfair in Tomahawk]
- Nathan: WHAT'S GOING ON TOMAHAWK? [little applause] Okay...uhhhhh-welcome to the very first DethFair, I don't know if you heard, but we're going to play a free concert. [to someone offstage] Free? We're really playing f- playing free concert - [back to crowd] So we brought some pretty cool stuff for the fair, like a pirate ship with the Somali Pirates who are gonna threaten to kill you. You know we have a really big Dorrito that we're- we're gonna see how fast you can eat it. Uhh we have a maybe, million dollar Ferrari Wheel, Ferris Wheel, made of Ferraris.
- Man: GET OFF THE STAGE AND GET US A JOB, PRICK!
- Nathan: Well if you guys are so pissed off, why don't you collectively kill yourselves?!
- Man: [silence] YOU'RE A JERK-
- Nathan: Well said, Tiger, fuck this, I'm done. [knocks microphone off the stand] Fuck you. [to the bandmates] I think that went well.
- Skwisgaar: That was pretty goods.
- Pickles: My mom, is right!! Alright?! This is a fantasy that we're living in! A fucking fantasy!! And I can't impress her, no matter how much money I make, and I realize it's because I don't have a REAL JOB!!!
- Nathan: Pickles, calm down!
- Pickles: It's true!!
- Nathan: Your mom, is a bitch! You should tell her to go fuck herself!
- Pickles: Whoa BACK UP! You did NOT just say that to me about my mom!
- Skwisgaar: Uh, Pickle?
- Pickles: Yes?!
- Skwisgaar: You should go tell your mom to go fucks herselfs.
- Pickles: [infuriated] JUST B- THIS IS MY FAMILY!!
- Nathan: Yeah! The family that you hate!
- Skwisgaar: Yeah and you also calls dems assholes all the times.
- Pickles: Yeah o- WHOA! Okay...maybe I do. But you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe WE'RE the assholes!
- Nathan: [shocked] Pickles! Us?!
- Pickles: YES! And that's why I'm going to go sell cars.
- Nathan: [deep in thought] .....you mean houses.
- Pickles: ...Yes.
- Molly: Pickles! You need to cut this Realtor bullshit and get back to making a new record, so we can all make money again!
- Pickles: Wait a minute! You don't even care that I'm the best regular jack-off realtor in the world?!
- Molly: Fuck that realtor crap! I want you to go back to playing drums with your stupid band and fix the fucking economy!
- Skwisgaar (flashback): You shoulds gos tell your mothers to go fucks herselfs!
- Nathan (flashback): You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
- Ofdensen (flashback): You should tell your mother to go fuck herself!
- Pickles: [enraged] Hey mom! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
[Molly stands awestruck]
- Ofdensen: Okay guys, we got a lot of work today, a lot of stuff to cover so let's-
- Nathan: HEY! SKWISGAAR! Sorry, Charles... Skwisgaar, sorry about that book. [Skwisgaar just looks really depressed giving no response] But look at what I got today guys. [pulls out a defibrillator] It's my defibrillator. I bought it off Sky Mall.
- Pickles: Why do you need that?
- Nathan: It's uh, you know to shock people, if they have a thing, like a heart attack or if they're sleeping. But I bought it because it's fucking awesome! Murderface, help me work this thing!
- Ofdensen: Guys I don't think you should be messing around with a defibrillator.
- Murderface: God would you butt out, please?! I mean God, don't let this guy abuse you Nathan, he's trying to control you. Just like Skwisgaar did to Toki! No offense Skwisgaar [Skwisgaar is still unresponsive] Now what do you want me to do Nathan?
- Nathan: Uh just stand there, oh and yell "clear!"
- Murderface: Oh awesome! Just like the doctors do on TV!
- Ofdensen: Guys come on, I don't think-
- Murderface: CLEAR!!
[Nathan shocks Murderface with the defibrillator, Murderface shrieks in pain]
- Pickles: Dude that's pretty awesome!
- Murderface: Oh oh ow, man, LOOKS pretty awesome! Ahh, AWW WHO THE FUCK PEED ON ME?
- Pickles: I think you're the culprit in this particular mystery.
- Murderface: How can I pee on myself when I'm right here?
[Nathan shocks Skwisgaar with the defibrillator. Skwisgaar loses consciousness and control of his bladder.]
- Nathan: Skwisgaar! It appears as if someone has peed your pants!
- Nathan: [in a demo session; off-tempo and not energetic] Falling down / hurt yourself / Really can hurt...really, can, really now- CAN WE STOP THIS THING?!
- Dick: Okay, fine. What's going on?
- Nathan: I guess I'm just not feeling it.
- Dick: That "falling down" stuff's good! I mean, it's good enough!
- Pickles: Dude, Nathan! We've been doing demos for 37 days! When are you gonna start feeling it, already?!
- Nathan: I don't know.
- Dick: [with a stripper on his lap] Check it out, Amber here was feeling it! She was bouncing on my lap...up and down, up and down, right Amber? [before Amber can reply] Don't talk. You know the rules.
- Skwisgaar: [also with two stripper; Murderface has a fat one sitting with him off to the side] Hey Trinitys...and her sisters, Quadrupaltys, alsos really exciteds, they gives me double blow jobs.
- Nathan: [two strippers are fondling his legs] Maybe I need a blow job. You know?
[Dethklok is lost, and in horrible shape]
- Nathan: This vacation, SUCKS! You know, it's all that stupid lady producer's fault! She did this to us on purpose!
- Pickles: Well maybe if you hadn't, DESTROYED THE RECORD in the first place...
- Nathan: I'm getting tired of this...
- Pickles: We wouldn't be here in the first place!
- Nathan: I SAID I WAS SORRY!
- Pickles: No! You DIDN'T, EVER say you were sorry!
- Nathan: IT WAS IMPLIED!!
- Pickles: I'D LIKE TO ADD, TO THE...
- Nathan: YOU KNOW, THAT I HAVE AN APOLOGY PROBLEM!!!
[van pulls up, and soldiers get out]
- Soldier: Get in the van, now!
- Nathan: Okay, did you remember to pack your deady bear?
- Toki: Yeps.
- Nathan: Kay, you got your fluoride whore's blood extra-whitening toothpaste with flavor crystals?
- Toki: Yeps.
- Nathan: You got your pentagram crackers, right?
- Toki: Yeps.
- Nathan: You got your severed fingerpaints?
- Toki: Yeps.
- Nathan: You got your Dante's Inferno Simulators of Hell coloring book?
- Toki: Yeps.
- Nathan: You got your My Little Disemboweled Pony lunch box, right?
- Toki: Yeps.
- Nathan: You got your Rock-A-Rooni disguise so no one knows who you are, right?
- Toki: [puts on a baseball cap] Yeps, as long as I wears dis, no one will knows that I'm famous!
- Nathan: Good. And of course, you got your insulin and your needles, right?
- Toki: Yeps, never leaves my sides.
- Pickles: Ugh, okay! I hear you I HEAR YOU! [turns light on] God what time is it?
[door opens to reveal a very frightened Skwisgaar and Murderface]
- Skwisgaar: Can we sleeps with you, Pickle?
- Murderface: [in regret] We had too much whipped cream and watched...
[Skwisgaar and Murderface in shock and fear]
- Pickles:Guys, guys, guys what do I keep telling you about eating too much chocolate and watching scary movies?
- Murderface: You said to don't do it, but we diiid!
- Skwisgaar: You said that we shouldn't do its, but nows it's too lates.
- Murderface: It doesn't matter now...please Pickles...
- Pickles: All right, fine just...[Skwisgaar and Murderface immediately get in Pickles bed]
- Murderface: All right!
- Skwisgaar: Thanks, Pickle!
- Pickles: ...just get in the bed, and go to sleep, okay?!
- Skwisgaar: Oh, thanks you Pickle.
- Murderface: [sighs in relief] [whispering] Oh uh, I gotta fart!
- Skwisgaar: Uh oh... [snickering as Murderface farts]
- Pickles: God fucking dammit, go to bed!
- Nathan: Pickles, wake up, we gotta go get Toki!
- Pickles: Okay, Nathan, do you think you're over parenting Toki, just a little bit?
- Nathan: Uhhhh...[seeing Murderface and Skwisgaar in the bed] What the fuck are you guys doing in his bed?
- Pickles: I'd rather not talk about it.
- Toki: You know what? Dis ams bullshit! I'm not just some dildo jack-off campers! My names Toki Wartooth, and I'm in Dethkloks! [audience gasps at his identity] Now I'ms taking my snow globes and gettings the fuck outta here! [turns to get his snow globe, which is missing from it's spot] Oh no, where's my snow globes?
- Bully: You mean thiiiis? [holds up the snow globe and smashes it on the ground, Toki stands upset] Oops. [laughs]
[Dethkloks pulls up, and sees what has been done; none look at all pleased]
- Nathan: [picking up the snow globe] Oh shit little kid...you just fucked up real bad...
- Nathan: [cornering Toki's bully, holding Toki's broken snow globe] Tell me. Which hand do you fret with?
- Nathan: [in a comfort chair] Move my feet lower and my head up higher.
- Klokateer: How's that, sire?
- Nathan: I'm eating a piece of pizza, closer to my head.
- Murderface: Hey, Nathan, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Klokateer: How's that, sire?
[Murderface clears his throat]
- Nathan: Getting better, getting warmer]
- Murderface: ...in confidence.
- Klokateer: Is that adequate, sire?
- Murderface: FUCK OFF! [klokateer leaves]
- Klokateer: Y-yes sire.
- Murderface: [in jolly mood] Heh-hey, Nathan, pal! Good 'ole Nathan, aw man, look at those shoulders, Captain of the ship! What's happening man? [pause] Nathan, I want you to look at me. Are you looking at me?
- Nathan: [trying to ignore him] Kind of.
- Murderface: [in dramatic mood] I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.
- Nathan: Oh God...
- Murderface: Imagine a child, so horrific looking...
- Nathan: Uh huh...
- Murderface: That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.
- Nathan: Yeah, you right?
- Murderface: Well- uh...Imagine a man...with so little self esteem...
- Nathan: You.
- Murderface: ...that he looks...and acts like me!
- Nathan: You.
- Murderface: Well that man is me!
- Nathan: Well glad that we uh...had this little chat. See you later...
- Murderface: You're just not getting it. Listen to me-
- Nathan: YOU WANNA BORROW SOME MONEY, JUST SAY IT!!
- Murderface: Yes I wanna borrow some money, but-
- Nathan: I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right?
- Murderface: I won't forget this pal! I'm having some work done down in Tijuana, shhh don't tell the others, it's our secret, you know because it's uh, cost effective-
- Nathan: GET OUT OF HERE!!!
Going Downklok (4.9)
- Doctor: You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You've been jacking off so hard, that you've got advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. Whatever.
- Nathan: So uhh, you're saying we were touching our...you know whats too much? [Abigail giggles] Hey this is serious stuff! Stop giggling!
- Abigail: I'm not, I'm being serious.
- Doctor: You must refrain from masturbating for the next three months. But beware, you will experience withdrawal, hallucination, sexual nightmares, gender issues. Without masturbation, men and women will go insane!
- Nathan: Excuse me, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention, I just wanna say a few things.
- Ofdensen: Oh God, please...please God...
- Nathan: I have a secret to reveal, I uh...there's been a bit of an inter-office relationship going on and uh...Abigail...and myself...are an item. [applause but Abigail looks shocked] I just wanted to announce that, thank you everyone, thank you. You're beautiful!
- Pickles: [enraged, smashes his wine glass] NO! No no no! You cannot have this too! You greedy, fat asshole! You fuck! Y-y-you destroy the record! You fucking take everything you see! [grabs dinner plates and smashes them] And you take, and you take! [Murderface, drunk walks over]
- Murderface: Hey, hey, hey!
- Pickles: Get off of me! Get off of me!
- Murderface: What are you gonna do, hit me?! [immediately punched by Pickles] AHHHHH! It's not supposed to happen!
- Pickles: Goddammit...I'm fucked. I'm fucking fucked over here. I got nothing...so I'm gonna fucking take myself the fuck outta here. I fucking quit. I fucking quit!
Breakup Klok (4.11)
- Nathan: [at an audition for his new band, the drummer is doing a Metal beat] Stop, stop listen! It sounds like you're trying to sound like Dethklok, all right? That's- You're missing the point!
- Dick: Yeah, guys, we're trying to get away, from the Dethklok sound, we're moving on. Get it? Nathan why don't you explain a little more about that.
- Nathan: Uhh...okay y-yeah.
- Skwisgaar: Explains the sounds a bit...to them.
- Nathan: Uhh, it's gotta be umm, what are we talking about how it's sounds...
- Skwisgaar: Measurables, hows to be extra sounds...
- Nathan: Extra...it has to be more than...
- Skwisgaar: It has to be, you know, more dans the...
- Nathan: Yeah, but with less! But with less. Yeah.
- Skwisgaar: Dat's the idea. So do dats.
- Nathan: There's no other way to explain it other than- I hope you were listening, 'cause that's not gonna happen again!
- 'Skwisgaar: Yeah.
- Nathan: All right, ready? [drummer goes again, with a bit more variety] One, two- NOPE! NOPE! YES! Yes, yes-Nope. Okay thank you, you're done. [drummer stops playing] What am I doing wrong here?!
- Dick: Between you and me, I don't think they get it. You know, you may need some studio ringers.
- Nathan: Session guys?
- Dick: Yeah, session guys, hot shots, they just, they'll give you what you want, and all I gotta do is give them a ringy-ding. You say go and I will.
- Nathan: Oh, I don't know. What do you think?
- Skwisgaar: I uhhh, was not listenings...to what....you two saids...
- Nathan: All right, let's do it.
- Skwisgaar: Yeah.
- Dick: Let's send these jerks home.
- Skwisgaar: [to entire audition line] GO HOMES DING DONGS!
Church of the Black Klok (4.12)
- Ishnifus Meaddle: What you must understand is that the Metalocalypse has been moving forward. These events have been foreseen—the death of a religious figure by the hand of the godless half-man set the clock to lurch forward. That five souls would come to shepherd us through the darkest times known.
- Murderface: Is that old guy supposed to be Santa Claus or some shit? Are we getting presents? What is happening here?!
- Ishnifus: We are trying to tell you that you're the ones for which we have been waiting thousands and thousands of years. You are the chosen ones.
- Murderface: You mean we're the Jews?
Metalocalypse: The Doomstar Requiem
- The Doomstar is taking form in the sky, once it does the camera goes down and shows the Monks on top of the 'Church of The Black Klok*
Monks(Group): *Chanting* Fata Sidus Oritur, Fata Sidus Oritur, Fata Sidus Oritur, Fata Sidus Oritur Monk 1: Dethklok has disbanded Monk 2: One of them was taken Monk 1:*Camrea looks up at the sky and shows the Doomstar* We look to the skies to watch a new star awaken...
Ishnifus: Oh, the Doomstar has brought all the dethly light *Camera shows the Metalocalypse Prophecy drawings, which resemble Dethklok* And the star will turn to blood on this prophet's night *The drawings turn blood red* And the Prophecy has warned us that one of us must die... *Ishnifus takes his hood off, once he does Dethklok's heads flash a skull* Before this is all over... one of us must die!
Monks (Group):DoomSTAR! DoomSTAR!
- In the distance Charles Ofdensen is watching, he stands from his crouched position*
Charles: There was a time when the five of them were just a band, but that was yesterday! *Dethklok fades out behind him* So innocent of this church and all these prophecies, but then they took him away! *In the background, it shows Magnus holding Toki back from season 4 finale* The times have changed! The air's begun to taste of metal! The whales they chant, a constant warning! They keep singing and reapeating! One of Us Must Die!! ONE Of Us MUST DIE!!
Klokkateers: Bow before the Doomstar, Klok keeps ticking further!
Charle: Life on Earth will be eclipsed, The looming Metalocalypse! One of you must die! One of you must die!
Priest:*Standing in the middle of The Church* Dethklok, they must be rejoined! Evil, it must be destroyed! No more apathetic, stoic... They can learn to be heroic. Write the song that will be our salvation...
- Nine interviews viewable as extras on the Season 1 boxset. All but 'Future' and 'Food' are available online at Adult Swim
Nathan: But I have to say, if the fans are out there after listening... you know, we always say a lot of stuff like, you know, we hate you, go die, you know...
Murderface: And we mean it!
Toki: (in background) Yeah, we means it!
Nathan: ... Go eat glass... But the truth is- actually, guys, the truth is we do mean it.
Toki: I wants them to, push on their eyes so hard they goes back into their heads.
Pickles: Yeah, dude. Or take your tongues and take some, like, kid scissors, fuckin' (laughs) cut your tongues off!
Nathan: We wish you were all, you know.... dead?
Education helps you, uh... learn.
Nathan: Yeah, edu- what I learned was without education you can't get drunk...you can't crash cars...you can't pee into someone's face...
Murderface: Yeah, education.
Nathan: Yeah...Yeah, that's the smartests thing you've ever said.
Murderface: Except that one thing.
Murderface: Oh, it's a meta, meta-joke...meta...
Skwisgaar: Yeah, fuck that shit. Puts it downs the fucking toilets. Flush.
Pickles: But dude, what about voting?
Murderface: Rock the vote! Ah, who cares... Skwisgaar, hows does you guys vote? Does you just draws it in the snow?
Skwisgaar: Well, no, there's... sometimes, how we do it in the old days, is you have two guys standing there, and everyone has rocks. And the guy who's still standing, that's the president.
Toki: Yeah, he's got the most rocks!
Skwisgaar: ... No, they throw, at him, at... rocks!
Toki: Yeah, the most rocks!
Toki: That's politics!
Skwisgaar: I don't have anything to say about family! So I will, uh.... be shuttings down now.
Toki: I often thinks of the days in Norway when...family.... Pants down... Spank...
Murderface: I resemble my grandmother, and that makes me want to burn up from the inside to the out... side, and- (belches)
Skwisgaar: One time, I was standing, uh, line at the bank, uh, trying to cash in a paycheck when I work, you know, as a teenager, and uh, actually, it took so long in line I had a natural disaster. In my pants.
"I never realized how white our eyes were until this darkness."
"We only know when we're moving when we occasionally blink." -Nathan Explosion
Nathan: I gotta say, I've had a couple long-term relationships. And you know, keeping the excitement in the relationship, that is not easy.
Pickles: Yeah... yeah, that's always hard... ya know...
Nathan: But you know what helps? Little surprises.
Murderface: Things are a lot more exciting when someone's about to die. That's just the way I look at it.
Nathan: But you bring home like a gift or something, like hay-
Nathan: ... Hey, look-
Murderface: Hey look?
Nathan: ... And you open up your hand, and there's some... (mumbling) hay in there...
Murderface: Like, putting a diamond bracelet on your cock, and saying "Dive for it!" Like that?
Nathan: ... Yeah.
Skwisgaar: Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, our bass player... the most classiest guy in the world.
Murderface: Ah, suck it!
Murderface: Well, their souls were created in hell.
Nathan: That is true. Women's souls were created because women ate, what? The forbidden fru-
Murderface: The forbidden rib!
Toki: Yeah, I thinks the serpents supposed to be...the penis, with the apple supposed to be one ball, like Hitler!
Murderface: Ah, women. .... Well.... they smell nice, but they are soul-murderers.
- Main cast
- Brendon Small - Nathan Explosion, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Pickles the Drummer, Charles Foster Offdensen, Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler, Facebones, Edgar Jomfru, various
- Tommy Blacha - Toki Wartooth, William Murderface, Dr. Rockzo, Dethklok Minute Host, various
- Mark Hamill - Senator Stampingston, Mr. Salacia, Jean-Pierre, Roy Cornickleson, News Anchor, various
- Victor Brandt - General Crozier, Cardinal Ravenwood, News Anchor, various
- Malcolm McDowell - Vater Orlaag, News Anchor, various
- Recurring guest stars
- George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher - Metal Masked Assassin
- Angela Gossow - Lavona Succuboso
- Janeane Garofalo - Abigail Remeltindrinc