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- I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, AND I'm armed! Don't MESS with me!
- Look, she's gonna cry again. [imitating winner] 'Oh, if I only had a brain."'
- Hey! I'm GLIDING here!
Victor "Vic" Melling
- I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.
- There are no words.
- Eyebrows. There should be TWO.
- Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.
- [to Gracie] If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.
- Eric: All right, here are your new IDs. For pageant identity.
- Gracie: Gracie Lou Freebush?
- Eric: Yeah, remember, you like that name.
- Gracie: Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped 10 points.
- Vic: [teaches Gracie how to glide] See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?
- Gracie: It takes a very secure man to walk like that.
- Vic: The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It accounts for 30% of your total score.
- Gracie: Yeah? And what's the other 70%? Cleavage?
- Vic: Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.
- Gracie: I would so love to hurt you right now.
- Vic: As long as you smile. Now...why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?
- Gracie: Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?
- Vic: Your hair should make a statement.
- Gracie: As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!
- Eric: Just imagine that she's me and there's something you wanna know but I don't wanna talk about it. What would you do?
- Gracie: You want me to beat it out of her?
- Kathy: You think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.
- Gracie: What? You think their dream is to get blown up? Y'know, you got a really good shot at that insanity plea.
- Kathy: (gets in the car) Yeah, well, I earned it, honey! 25 years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get?! FIRED! They steal my life! They steal my beauty pageant!
- Gracie: Hey! Hey! It is NOT a beauty pageant! It is a scholarship program.
- Kathy: Yeah, yeah.
- Gracie: Yes.
- (she shuts the door of the police car, and it drives off with Kathy inside)
- Gracie: Enjoy your running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant. Huh? Huh? (laughs and snorts; to Eric) Get it? The Women's Correctional Facility--?
- Eric: You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this.
- Gracie: I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.
- Eric: Funny, so am I.
- Cheryl: Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mom wouldn't buy them for me. She said they were Satan's panties.
- Eric: Is this you not arguing? 'Cause you suck at it.
- Vic: What, no armored car?
- Gracie: That would be in my other dress.
- Gracie: He had a gun.
- Kathy: Of course he had a gun. This is Texas. Everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!
- Stan: I don't have a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.
- Kathy: Stan, please!
- Unpolished. Unkempt. Unleashed. Undercover.
- She's Got A Killer To Catch... Right After The Swimsuit Competition.
- Never Mess With An Agent In A Dress.
- Sandra Bullock - Gracie Hart
- Michael Caine - Victor Melling
- Benjamin Bratt - Eric Matthews
- Candice Bergen - Cathy Morningside
- Ernie Hudson - FBI Asst. Director Harry McDonald
- William Shatner - Stan Fields
- Heather Burns - Cheryl Frasier, Miss Rhode Island