Mission Hill (TV series)
Mission Hill is an American animated television series that ran on The WB from September 24, 1999, to July 16, 2000, and on Adult Swim from July 14 to August 11, 2002. Set in the world of teens and 20-somethings, this series follows hip 24-year-old Andy French, whose sheltered suburban teenage brother Kevin moves in with him and his roommates in a big-city loft.
Pilot (or The Douchebag Aspect)
- Kevin: Ah, so this is Mission Hill!
- Andy: Don't get excited. It doesn't have anything you would like.
- Kevin: Well, it looks very colorful. I think it's important to embrace as many ideas and cultures as one can. Mom, Dad and I went to see Il Postino and--
- Andy: [angered] Shut up! You are so lame. Shut Up!
- Kevin: Maybe you should shut up.
- Andy: No, You. I'm not the one who's- [Andy and Kevin fight]
- Jim: All right, you two. I'm going to pull this car over right now. [Jim does so. He then gets out of the car and unzips his fly.] What? Don't let me stop your arguing.
- Kevin: I know you're gay, okay, but, like, I don't even have a problem with that.
- Gus: Alright already.
- Kevin: 'Cause history's full of great homos. Oscar Wilde was a homo. Alexander the Great was a homo. And do you know who else is great? You, ya big homo!
- Gus: [angrily grabs Kevin by the shirt] That is a hurtful term. Please stop using it, or I'll be forced to clobber you!
Andy Joins the PTA (or Great Sexpectations)
- Mr. Czelanski: Kevin is a wonderful student, good grades..." blah, blah, blah. Do you really want to hear this?
- Andy: No, not really.
- Mr. Czelanski: Well, we still have 14 minutes left. (he and Andy share a drink) If only more parents are like you.
Kevin's Problem (or Porno for Pyro)
- Kevin: I was looking at smut. If I tell the truth, people will think I'm a pervert.
- Andy: [Sarcastic] Oh, like me. Yeah, you wouldn't want people to think you're like me. Dirty old horny McWhack-whack. Far better you should send two innocent people to jail.
- Kevin: They're not entirely innocent.
- Andy: You started that fire? Kevin, those two guys are going to jail.
- Kevin: Well, they shouldn't have robbed the store.
- Andy: They took fifty-three dollars. And they could get a life sentance for attempted murder.
- Kevin: I never said they set me on fire.
- Andy: You never said they didn't.
Andy Vs. The Real World (or The Big-Ass Viacom Lawsuit)
- Andy: Come on, I'm not MTV material. Hell, I'm barely WB material.
- Kevin: You told them I was dead?
- Andy: I didn't wanna come across as unsympathetic. Entertainment Weekly would've torn me apart.
- Toby: Not to mention Cheers and Jeers and Picks and Pans, which would've jeered and panned you respectively.
Andy and Kevin Make a Friend (or One Bang for Two Brothers)
- [Andy, Kevin, Toby, George and Tina are dressed up for the science fiction convention]
- Kevin: Tina, I must say, you make a beautiful Jordie La Forge!
- Tina: Thanks Kevin, that's really sweet.
- Kevin: Do you even know who that is, Andy?
- Andy: Yeah, he's that guy from Star Wars - I mean Trek! Star Trek!
- Kevin: He said Star Wars! Lot of good an expert in dilithium crystals is gonna be in a universe of space ships powered by hyperdrives! [everyone but Andy laughs]
- Kevin: I wouldn't get too involved in that program - it's almost eight, and my friends are coming over to watch Babylon Five. See. [points to a note on the side of the TV] I reserved it a week ago.
Andy Gets a Promotion (or How to Get Head in Business Without Really Trying)
- Andy: I'm not a cartoonist anymore. I'm just dirty, old, raunchy McSmutbag, I run strip clubs, and date sleazy women
- Shelly: Hey, How is that supposed to make me feel?
- Andy: Oh, not women - woman - just you.
- Shelly: Oh Andy, you say the sweetest things.
- Kevin: Andy and that woman kept me up all night.
- Jim: Me too.
- Kevin: Does sex always sound like that?
- Jim: No, they must be doing something wrong.
Kevin Vs. the SAT (or Nocturnal Admissions)
- Kevin: Like I'm going to Borchmore.
- Andy: Hey, we were Playboy's number six party school. And we had more fraternity drinking deaths than all of your ivy league schools put together.
- Jim: And that doesn't include haseing deaths.
- Pencil: Every year another sucker comes knocking. Mister i want to crack the code. It is impossible I tell you. Impenetrable. God will not be mocked!
- Kevin: I got as high as double 650s.
- Pencil: Hey, you mocked god.
Unemployment Part 1 (or Brother's Big Boner)
- Andy: You blew all my money on this stupid car?
- Kevin: It's not your money, it's our money. [Andy slaps him] Ow, that hurt.
- Andy: It's not your pain, it's our pain.
- Kevin: Well, Mom always said we should share. [He slaps Andy back]
- Andy: I am so sick of Ron, I'm 24, my life should be about having fun, not taking crap from that bastard.
- Gwen: Why don't you just attack him and get it over with?
- Andy: I don't know, chalk it up to that unique mix of poverty and spinelessness. Without it, the service sector wouldn't exist.
Unemployment Part 2 (or Theory of the Leisure Ass)
- Andy: (Comes into the diner in a bathrobe) I'll just have a plate of eggs, thanks.
- Gus: No eggs. Ain't you read the sign? (Points to a sign that says "No Shirt, No Hat, No Service)
- Andy: Gus, no one here is wearing a hat. They're all eating.
- Gus: Back in the day, people wore coats and ties and hats in this place. Now look at you. You don't got underwear even.
- Andy: Gus. come on. It's just a different philosophy. I'm like a modern day Buda, freeing myself of wordily attachments.
- Posey: He's right. Buda never wore underpants.
- Andy: And check this out - I found this movie called "Barfully!"
- Posey: Andy, I think that movie is actually called "BarFLY!"
- Andy: Not 'barfully' like the adjective?
- Kevin: 'Barfully' is not a word, and if it were, it would be an adverb, as in 'the sewage oozed barfully.'
Kevin Finds Love (or Hot for Weirdie)
- [Eunice produces the much sought-after reccomendation and Kevin is overjoyed and tries to kiss her, but she rejects him much to his dismay]
- Eunice: Come on chimpie, you got what you wanted, quit complaining.
- Kevin: No! I mean, yes, I wanted the letter, but that was before I realized how brilliant and adventurous and wonderful you are! Andy was right all along - you are perfect for me! I don't want the letter anymore, Eunice, I want you!
- Eunice: Well, people in hell want ice water. Have tons of fun with your letter.
- [Andy, Posey and Jim are turned away from the new club in Mission Hill]
- Andy: Damn poseurs, come to our neighborhood and tell us we're not cool enough to get into their club? Screw them!
- Posey: Don't feel bad, Andy. We could start our own club and call it the Cool Club and let in everyone who wan't cool enough for the other club!
- Jim: Or, we could just open a club and not let anyone in at all!
- Andy: You're mean, man, that's why I like you! [Posey pokes Andy in the eye] Owww!!
- Posey: I can be mean too!
Stories of Hope and Forgiveness (or Day of the Jackass)
- [Andy eats his cereal very loudly while Kevin tries to read the paper]
- Kevin: Shut up! How can I read the newspaper with that deafning racket blaring out of your mouth?! It sounds like a gorilla eating a log cabin!
- [Posey is meditating and is visualizing a surreal world when a floating figure appears]
- Posey: Oh, hello, don't I know you? Weren't we in the fifth grade together?
- Floating Figure: No Posey, I am you inner being. So, in a way, yes! But, who cares! I am here to guide you on your path of enlightenment. The way is fraught with traps and danger - [points to a canyon] together we must cross the chasm of selfishness, [points to an ugly giant] and defeat the ogre of personal deceit.
- Posey: Oh wow [points to a shambling figure] and what does he represents?
- Floating Figure: That's just Frankenstein! No one really knows what he's doing here. Oh well, let's get going!
Happy Birthday, Kevin (or Happy Birthday, Douchebag)
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, direct from Universal Studios Florida, it's The Blues Brothers 2000 featuring Justin Belushi and Timothy Aykroyd Williams.
- Kevin: Those aren't the real Blues Brothers.
- Andy: Yeah, sorry. Dan Aykroyd sends his regrets and John Belushi's been dead for 15 years.
- Andy: Hey there birthday boy! Look I got you a widdle cake, crappy birthday. (Kevin sighs) And look a present! Whats a birthday without a present! huh Kevin?
- Kevin: [disappointed] TV word find.
- Andy: No, Super TV word find see, hours of fun!
Plan 9 from Mission Hill (or I Married a Gay Man from Outer Space)
- Kevin: I can't believe you've been neighbours with Gus and Wally all these years and you know nothing about them.
- Andy: Yeah I do. I know they both get up at 6 a.m., Wally brews coffee while Gus reads the funnies to him.
- Posey: Isn't it romantic? And then they shower together and sing college fight songs.
- Jim: Then they either argue or have gay sex and then it's off to work.
- Movie General: This here is a map of space, and this planet here is Pluto.
- Movie Solider: Do you think that's where the man from Pluto is from?
- Movie General: Maybe. Now, I have no choice but to kill him. Him, who meant us guys no harm.
- Wallace Langham as Andrew "Andy" French
- Scott Menville as Kevin French
- Brian Posehn as James "Jim" Kuback
- Vicki Lewis as Posey Tyler
- Scott Baio as Gus
- Melissa Rauch as Tina
- Kelly Ripa as Eunice
- Paula Marshall as Gwen