Moral Orel (2005–2008) is an animated show on Cartoon Network's "Adult Swim" segment, which centers around the life of Orel Puppington, a young boy who consistently fails in his attempts to understand and abide by Protestant Christian values.
The Lord's Greatest Gift [1.01]
- Doughy: Hey Orel, wanna come over to my house and play?
- Orel: Can I, mom?
- Bloberta: Alright, but don't take any rides from strangers
- Orel: Why?
- Clay and Bloberta: Because you're in your good Sunday suit!
- Orel: Oh, right. Well goodbye.
- Orel and Doughy walk along the sidewalk
- Orel: Boy, Doughy, Reverend Putty's sermon today sure made me think.
- Doughy: Orel! You know you're not supposed to think when it comes to God and faith!
- Orel: I know but-
- Doughy: Hey, let's cut through the cemetery!
- Orel: Okay.
- Orel and Doughy are walking through the cemetery
- Doughy: It's always so pretty. Do you think it's because dead people make good fertilizer?
- Orel: Hmmmmm...maybe. But they sure make bad Christians.
- Orel: Gee dad, I was just trying to stop those dead people from spitting phelgm onto God's face
- Clay: That much I understand, son. But there are other ways of preserving God's gift of life
- Orel: How?
- Clay: Well, for one... [Picks up the Necronomicon from the shelf] where in this book does it say the dead have to be naked?
- Orel: Well, it doesn't really, but some of their clothes were stinky and messy with blood.
- Clay: Their clothes didn't smell, Orel, their bodies smell. Their disgusting, exposed bodies.
- Orel: Oh. I guess I was too caught up in bringing them back to life to notice
- Clay: That's no excuse. Nudity is a horrible thing, and should only be committed as a last resort. Remember the lost 11th Commandment: Thou shalt be ashamed of thy natural anatomy.
God's Chef [1.02]
- Principal Fakey: Orel, there are some things that are burned so deep into a person's subconscious that you forget just why they're there. You only know that they've scarred you in such a horrible and personal way that they must be right.
- Orel: Dad, how do you make babies?
- [Clay walks over to his book-shelf and takes out a book entitled "The Fake Facts of Life, Ages 5-15"]
- Clay: How old are you, Orel? 9?
- Orel: 11.
- Clay: Hmm, 11. This is interesting. Now that you're 11, you can now know the real story. "Babies are made by God's chef, visiting ladies at night while they're asleep and injecting them with the delicious glaze from his holy pastry bag." Brilliant.
- Orel: Gods Chef?
- Clay: All right here in the black and white.
- Rev. Putty: Friends, I look around this town and my heart breaks. But it's not the kind of heartbreak I get when a woman rejects me.
- Clay: But I don't know if you realize the true danger of crack. Crack is a gateway to slang.
- Orel: Slang?
- Clay: Yes. Remember, son... people know who you are by the words you use, not the things you do.
- Orel: I'm sorry, Dad. From now on, when I do drugs, I'm going to speak properly.
- Clay:: Attaboy. Just remember the lost 13th Commandment. Thou shalt not bastardize the American language.
- Clay: You have a lot of time before you decide what you're going to do for a living. And when you do start working, it's not going to be as easy as just peeing into a Tupperware container. Working is a very hard, soul-numbing and joyless experience, son
- Orel: Gosh, thanks for preparin' me for the future Dad, you're the best!
- Clay: If I can make sure you're ready for the dead-end bleakness of adulthood, then I've done my job.
- Bloberta: I'm not throwing out your breakfast again, it's a waste. And God hates waste
- Orel: He does?
- Bloberta: Yes. Why do you think He won't even throw the devil away?
- Clay: Your mother's right, Orel. What's more, your track coach, Mr. Stopframe, has just sent me a 12 page letter.
- Orel: What does it say?
- Clay: Oh, many many things...but here on page 7, he mentions you.
- Orel: Oh, but why did he send you--
- Clay: He says that you've been coming in with slower and slower times at practice.
- Orel: What else does he write about Dad?
- Clay: Well, that's all as far as you're concerned.
The Blessed Union [1.05]
- Stephanie: Well, in this town, I guess I could use someone like me when I was your height. OK kid, I’m gonna give you a “Prince Albert”
- Orel: “Prince Albert?”
- Stephanie: Yep, I’m gonna put one of these through your Johnson. Then when you’re finally tall enough to drive it home, your good lady wife will be squealing like she’s won a year’s supply of pantyhose.
- [In the study after Clay learns of Orel's piercing]
- Clay: Orel, I want you to stay away from that person
- Orel: But dad, she has such a warm attitude
- Clay: "Warm attitude?" You kids today and your slang
- Orel: But it's true, she's very pleasant
- Clay: Son, she's only pleasant because she is different. When you're normal like the rest of us in Moralton, you have the luxury of being unpleasant.
- Clay: Son, imagine my disappointment when I got a call from the hospital, and found you weren't sick or injured.
- Clay: I'm surprised at you, Orel; you know that only God and the government can decide who lives and who dies.
- Orel: Gee, the Lord sure works in mysterious ways!
- Reverend Putty: He's not mysterious, Orel; He works in one way. Give Him the opportunity...and He's gonna get ya!
- Doughy: Is being a policeman scary?
- Officer Papermouth: No, son, I’m never scared when I’m out on the beat; because I have the best backup team out there, Officer’s God and Jesus. I know God protects me from all danger and Jesus guides my bullets straight into the brains and lungs of lawless slime.
- Clay:Your friendship and loyalty to Joe led you to hurting other people.
- Orel: Yeah…those boys in the forest…
- Clay: No, I’m talking about your three real friends: Doughy, Tommy and the rest!
- (after finding out the situation with Orel and Joe from the gang by making them drink alcohol)
- Clay: Okay, boys, alright. Well, thanks. I'll handle it.
- Doughy: You're not gonna hit them, are you, Mr. Puppington?
- Clay: Oh, Doughy, God wants us to beat our kids when they're bad.
- Doughy: He does?
- Clay: Yes.
- Doughy: Why?
- Clay: Because....[Walks off]
- Clay: That kid gets more action than I do.
- Bloberta: I'm still weaning him, Clay.
- Clay: Bloberta, he's seven! He should not be using your milk to wash down his meatloaf, which I pay for by working that stinking dead-end job!
- Bloberta: I'm so sick of your complaining. Why don't you just quit your job and quit being such a crybaby?
- Clay: Oh, thanks for the sympathy! You have never been on my side!
- Bloberta: Why would I be on the side of a self destructive alcoholic?
- Clay: I can't believe I gave you the privilege of satisfying me every night
- Clay: Oh son, behaving like a grown up is many things. First and for most, it means doing things that you hate doing.
- Orel: Like what, pop?
- Clay: Well, like dealing with people who make you unhappy, being stressed about things you have no control over, working soul-numbing jobs.
- Orel: Oh.
- Clay: Then gradually as we endure these hardships and accept them as normal, that's when we finally earned the right to get drunk and be emotionally distant from our families.
The Best Christmas Ever [1.10]
- Reverend Putty: I'd like to welcome a very special Merry 1st Christmas to our Jews for Jesus friends. You know, during this joyous season, it is easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas. What Christmas is really about is the birth of the cute little baby who would grow up to die an unbelievably horrible death for our sins. You know who I'm talking about: Jesus, our Savior! Born from an attractive, young virgin named Mary.
- Jesus was an unplanned birth that really made a name for itself. Not only is he a symbol of righteousness, but also the perfect poster child against abortion! Like if Joseph had refused to let the baby grow within Mary, who knows what this building would be right now... maybe even a synagogue! But because Joseph had the moral goodness to raise the "surprise;" we are safe and warm here in a Protestant church. Amen, and merry Christmas.
- Radio Jingle: If the Lord were alive today, what would you give Him this Christmas?
- What do you give someone who has everything and more?
- He can heal the sick, so don't give Him an aspirin
- He can walk on water, don't get Him a surfboard
- If the Lord were alive today, what would you give Him this Christmas?
- Give Him a $20 gift certificate from Pizza Jo's!
God's Image [2.01]
- Clay: Son, I know things have been rough over the past few months, what with your mother's unreasonable behavior and bitter coldness towards me.
- [Orel is about to put some Chinese food in his mouth]
- Clay: Don't say it, you and Shapey are still young, needy, impressionable children. So your mother and I have decided to stay together. If only for appearances. The last thing we want people to think is that we don't care about our own kids. That's one fact that is none of their business
- Mr Christein: [in a stereotypical Jewish accent] Figgurelli, I hear the townspeople are all into this segregation mishegus. Oy, it reminds me of when King Herod got spilchiche because of our Lord and savior
- Sal Figgurelli: Huh?
- Mr Christein: You know. It starts with the stereotyping and ends with the kaputz?
- Rev. Putty: God wants you to love Jesus more than anything else in the world. More than your mother, more than your father, more than your favorite food. And yes, even more than money.
- [The adults of the congregation gasp with horror]
- Clay: Love is a very beautiful, very intense feeling for a startling short period of time. Before long, you realize it gets in the way of the important things in life; like, just going to sleep or being left alone. That's when love starts fading and lies kick in.
- Orel: But how long does it actually take for love to fade?
- Clay: Oh, quicker than you think, kid, quicker than you think.
- [Coach Stopframe is looking through a book of Satanic spells and then looks a photo of Clay]
- Orel: Coach Stopframe?
- Coach Stopframe: Oh, hi, Orel.
- Orel: Whatcha got there?
- Coach Daniel: Mmm, nothing, just a picture. Oh, hey, Orel, do you think that you could get me a little bit of your dad's hair?
- Orel: Sure! What for?
- Coach Daniel: Well, I...want to buy him a new comb and I need to see what gauge teeth to get on it.
- Flygron: Greetings. I am Flygron. Come in and have some pizza.
- Orel: Yum! [Runs inside]
- Flygron: Uh, who's the kid?
- Coach Stopframe: He's the virgin.
- Flygron: What? That's totally against the law.
- Coach Stopframe: But it's for the ritual.
- Flygron: Don't you know any legal virgins?
- Coach Daniel Stopframe: Hadn't crossed my mind, really.
Elemental Orel [2.04]
- Doughy: Wow, Orel, you're the best detective ever!
- Orel: No, Doughy, the best detective of all was King Solomon. He cleverly deduced that a mother never wants her baby cut in half.
- Doughy: Oh yeah, that was some caper!
- Orel: Gosh, my mom’s treating those people like they’re her family.
- Doughy: I don’t know, Orel. It looks she’s just ignoring them and fed up and not happy at all to be here.
- Orel: Exact… ly…
- Doughy: Uh, I think I’m gonna go home.
- Orel: [sadly] Bye, Doughy.
- Orel: Your birthday? Why didn't you say anything, Miss Censordoll?
- Miss Censordoll: I prefer not to annually celebrate the emergence of my unclad body through such an unsavory passage as my mothers womb
- Orel: Hot dog, picket signs!
- Miss Censordoll: There’s a special Saturday screening of “The Greatest Story Ever Told”
- Orel: That’s not a dirty movie
- Miss Censordoll: They all are, Orel, if you find a way to look at them just right…
- Orel: But, it’s about the life of our Lord. It can’t be that bad
- Miss Censordoll: Then let’s let God be the judge of that, shall we?
[Censordoll twitches uncontrollably and writes “MOVIE TOO LONG AND BORING, DISTRACTS AUDIENCE INTO WHORING!” onto the blank picket sign]
- Miss Censordoll: Of course! That God, even he makes me feel inferior.
God's Blunders [2.06]
- Doughy: Is sin radioactive?
- Rev. Putty: Yes. That's why it's dangerous to get it near your groin.
- Doughy: Yikes!
- Clay: God makes two types of mistakes. The first kind is called "a miracle". You know, like bleeding statues, burning bushes, earthquakes and hurricanes that destroy disgusting foreign cultures? Those are all good mistakes that back up our faith in positive ways. And then there are His not so good mistakes. Traffic jams, the common cold and the mentally retarded. Those are called "God's blunders"
- Reverend Putty: Now this is not to say that the pious life is completely devoid of joy. Oh, there’s lot of great stuff! There’s platonic friendship, nice weather, the thrill of a good night’s sleep....uh....just to name a few.
- Orel: I’m sure finding it hard trying to avoid all of the devils pleasure traps
- Clay: Ah, don’t worry, son. When you get older and have a family, you’ll find that leading a virtuous and pleasure-free life comes as easy as waking up in the morning.
- Bloberta: Clay, I’m setting your couch alarm so you’re not late for work again tomorrow!
- Clay: [mockingly] Fine! [to Orel] Okay, it’s a lot easier than waking up in the morning.
- Clay: (after Orel tells him he's been having wet dreams about God spanking him) You've been having what about who doing what?! I think you know what this means! (Orel makes an aroused grin, Clay realizes belting him won't solve this problem) Just...just meet me in my study.
The Lord's Prayer [2.08]
- Clay: In this cold, cynical, free-thinking, lonely world you’ve made, it’s somewhat expected when new friendships are welcomed with open hearts.
- [The Puppington Family are having new neighbors, the Posubules, for dinner, and they're all saying grace.]
- Everyone: Our Father, who/which art... [Everyone stops, slightly confused, then resumes] ...in Heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses/debts... [everyone stops again, more conscious, and then continue cautiously forward] ...as we forgive those who trespass/our debtors...
- Clay: Debtors?!
- Art Posubule: Trespassers?!
- Both: What are you, nuts?! Get out!/Let's go!
- Bloberta and Poppet Posubule: Well, you think you know someone!
- Art: Get up, kids. I can't believe you would expose my children to this without my consent!
- Clay: Your children? What about my kid, he's only nine!
- Orel: Twelve.
- Bloberta: Please, just leave!
- Poppet: Gladly!
- Clay: You don't even understand what the Lord's Prayer means!
- Art: How dare you!? Forgive your debtors!
- Clay: Forgive your trespassers!
- Art: You owe me a bottle of wine!
- Clay: GET OFF MY PROPERTY!! (Slams the door)
Holy Visage [2.09]
- Miss Sculptham: The crusades took place during the Dark Ages, which was a very pious and righteous time in our history. Doughy?
- Doughy: But the Dark Ages sound scary.
- Miss Sculptham: Well, it they're not. "Dark" in this case, means something more like "shade" and "shelter." To be in a cool, dark place away from the oppressive heat of blinding enlightenment.
- Him: So what did they end up getting back from the Crusades?
- Miss Sculptham: Well, as you can see, many of the artifacts are here behind this glass. We have the Holy Grail, a porthole from Noah's Ark, and the skeleton of the baby Jesus. All of these, of course, can be purchased in the museum gift shop.
Be Fruitful and Multiply [2.10]
- Rev. Putty: (praying) Lord, Putty here. Reverend Putty, for what that's worth. I don't know what the deal is with you, but I do and do and do for you, and all I ask is one measly thing in return! Seriously, is a lady really that difficult to conjure up? I mean, you make trees for a living. And I'm saying it could be any lady! Any size, any shape, any colo— I mean, any weight. The point is, I'm not picky. Amen.
- Orel: I think that as long as you have at least one of those "F" words in your life, you can't be lonely. For you see, a lot of the problems starts when people get too greedy and want all of the "F" words, and don't appreciate the ones that they have. Then they're just making their live miserable...and who ever heard of somebody actually wanting to make his life miserable. Amen.
- Buddha: Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle and the life of that candle will not be shortened.
- Principal Fakey: You're our ringer, Orel, remember that. Not to put the pressure on you, but to put all of the pressures completely on your head.
- Reverend Putty: Uh, look, just try not to think about it. Not a sight out of mind.
- Principal Fakey: That is easy to say.
- Reverend Putty: You can do it. Distract yourself. Giver your wife a baby, that'll make you feel like a good husband. Just pretend.
- [Block Posabule comes running into the study and smashes some glasses]
- Block: Yay! Break!
- Clay: Orel! Look what you let in [Hits Block with a fly-squatter] Skat Shapey! Shoo shoo!
- Orel: Dad, that's not Shap--
- Clay: What's up son?
Turn the Other Cheek [2.13]
- Clay: Orel, you know you shouldn't upset your mother by coming home with dirty clothes, because then, your mother talks to your father, and no-one wants that
- Clay: (as Orel undoes his pants for a "lesson") Forget it, save it.
- Orel: But aren't you going to teach me a lesson?
- Clay: No, I'm not.
- Orel: So, what does this mean, you're giving up on me, Dad?
- Clay: Orel, a father never gives up on his son, because then he's not really a father; and if I'm not a father, all I really am is a husband, and that's practically worthless.
- Orel: Uh-huh.
- Clay: Also, you did follow my advice, kiddo, so punishing you would be an admission of wrongness on my part, and believe you me, that ain't gonna happen.
- Orel: So why did we even come in here?
- Clay: Well, we had to cast what's called a smoke-screen.
- Orel: A smoke-screen?
- Clay: Yes, it's a valuable tool I use in order to give your mother the illusion that I'm actually doing my job as your father.
- Orel: Neat! You're the best, Dad. I love you.
- Clay: Sure do. Well, we got about one more minute in here.
- (Orel and Clay just stand and sit there for just over a minute while the credits roll)
- [While hiking, Orel and Doughy discover the "missing link" in a block of ice]
- Orel: Wow look, it's the fictional missing link from the ghost book
- Doughy: Say, that should take care of our coincidence badges!
- Clay: Geniuses is the most simplistic way of disproving evolution while at the same time proving that a miracle of God's pure brainpower, He whipped up the universe in his heaven shaped laboratory hundreds of years ago
- Orel: Wow
- Clay: In fact, Geniuses is so simplistic that even the lowest form of life can understand it
- Doughy: Boy Orel, I sure do have a great life! Always getting to do what I want and never having to worry about getting germs from hugging my parents or anything.
- Orel: Gee, Mr. Creepler's been parked outside of your house for hours now.
- Doughy: I know. He keeps asking me to get in the back of his boring old ice-cream van.
- Orel: Well maybe he's just lonely and needs a friend.
School Pageant [2.16]
- Mr Christein: Crooning? What the mishegus is this 'crooning?'
- Mrs Christein: It's like "canting", but without the no Jesus
- Three weeks later...
- Bloberta: I hate you Jesus,
- Clay: You rotten little fink,
- Officer Papermouth: Your sermon never pleases,
- Doctor Potterswheel: And all your parables all stink,
- Mr.Figgurelli: Your eyes are beady, nose is weird, a goofy basket case,
- Old Woman: I'd like to take that stupid beard and rip it off your face!
- Rev.Putty: Prancing gayly on the water, a long haired scrawny clod, you maybe someone's daughter but you sure ain't the son of....
- Everybody: [In church] Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-God, I hate you Jesus, with your boring miracles, you smell like a hundred cheeses have been shoved right up...shoved right up...shoved right up my nose!!
- Orel: Wow! Everybody sure hates Jesus! Whoops...
Presents for God [2.17]
- [Around town, there is a big epidemic of STD's, thanks to Orel's "soul-saving business"]
- Bloberta: Well, I just don't know what's causing all these horrible diseases
- Clay: [Reading a newspaper, covering his face] it's a real mystery
- [Clay removes the newspaper, revealing that he has gonorrhea on his cheek]
- Clay: Say, I think I'll go and paint the...uh...lawn!
- Orel: Hey, maybe I could become a heathen just long enough for Reverend Putty to come and save me! That'd make God happy.
- Clay: Sorry pal. Until your eighteen, your soul belongs to us.
Orel's Movie Premiere [2.18]
- Doughy: [As a snake-like belt] come here, Orel, while your pulling your pants up from my spanking!
- Doctor Potterswheel: Is this boy's dad molesting him?
- Clay: What?!
- Orel: Gee, Joe completely changed the meaning of everything I wrote
- Doughy: Gosh Orel, that's too bad
- Orel: I guess some things get misinterpreted
- Doughy: Like what?
- Orel: Hmm...not sure [Scratches his head with the Bible]
Nature (Part 1) [2.19]
- [Clay has finished spanking Orel]
- Clay: I hope that's taught you a lesson, son.
- Orel: It sure has! I'm never gonna do that, with those, in there, for that long, ever again!
- Clay: Good boy son, good boy...
- Orel: Is that it?
- Clay: Yup, you can go.
- Orel: Oh, you're not going to lecture me some more.
- Clay: Nah, gonna relax for a while.
- Orel: Gee...
- [Orel looks at the mounted deer on the wall above the fireplace, this grabs Clay's attention]
- Clay: Orel, how would you like to go on father and son outing together?
- Orel: Father and son, and how!
- [Later on in the hunting trip..]
- Clay: (After a large swig of alcohol) I gotta tell you, Orel; your cup is always half empty. You need to be more like your old man and look at the blight side of things.
- Orel: Blight?
- Clay: I didn't say bright, I said blight. "My life is sunny and blight". Bright means the opposite, it means sudden withering death, and...(Suddenly despondent)...Oh, who am I kidding? My life is full of bright.
- Orel: You mean blight?
- Clay: Oh God...
- Orel: What's the matter?
- Clay: ...I hate myself...
- [Orel's eyes tear up as Clay looks at the bottle he's holding.]
- Clay: (Screaming) Why did you quit working on me?! She always fools me, Orel. "I'll make things better dear. Drink me. Put me inside you, I'm great!" And she chokes me just like every other whore out there! They're all worthless, kid. Every woman. Don't let 'em get ya. All of 'em wanna get ya. They just grab you and pull you into them! And then you're forced to stay in and pull out and stay in and pull out! And then they gut ya. And then they grip ya by the part where it counts. And then they start squeezing things out! Things that are like weights around your head! You sit there for the rest of your life, with nowhere to go and no one to be!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
- [Orel, terrified at this rant, accidentally discharges his gun.]
- Orel: Dad!
Nature (Part 2) [2.20]
- Orel: Are you okay?!
- Clay: (laughing like a madman) Okay? Am I okay?! You shoot one thing this whole trip, count them, one thing and it's two of my last bottles of liquor?!
- Orel: Sorry, dad! It was an accident!
- Clay: There are no accidents! You have done nothing but wine and complain like a little lady in a flowery, sissy skirt and attractive high heels about my drinking since we got here!
- Orel: It's because you become a bad person when you drink!!!
- Clay: Oh, I do, do I? Well, we'll see about that! (He tries to take off his belt to spank Orel but can't. His pants fall down. He tries to pull them back up but can't. Orel tries to help) Get away from me! I'll do it myself! (After failing to put his pants up again, he curls into a ball and weeps pathetically. Finally, he stops and manages to pull his pants up.) Okay... It's time you became a man! Where's my rifle?
- Orel: I-I-I don't think...
- Clay: There it is! (grabs his rifle and starts aiming it around)
- Orel: (trembling) Dad! W-Watch out!
- Clay: Please, Orel. I know exactly what I'm doing.
- Orel: Yeah, but you might shoot it off by mistake!
- Clay: There aren't any mistakes either. No mistakes, no accidents, no flop-ups, no boner.
- Orel: But...
- Clay: DON'T "BUT" ME! (pulls the trigger, shooting Orel in the leg)
- [Clay finally wakes up after sleeping off all of the alcohol he drank the previous day; it's in the late afternoon]
- Clay: [cheerfully] Mornin'!
- Orel: Morning was 13 hours ago.
- Clay: Missed the roosters, eh? High time for some breakfast!
- Orel: I wanna go home
- Clay: Why? What happened?
- Orel: You shot me in the leg.
- Clay: No I didn't.
- Orel: Look.
- Clay: Oh. I don't remember that. So that means it's not my fault!
- After trying to get Shapey back from the Posabule family, Bloberta has ended up with both Shapey and Block, who bond quickly.
- Shapey and Block: Mine!
- Shapey: Cake?
- Block: Cake!
- Shapey: Yummy?
- Block: Yummy!
- Shapey: Mine?
- Both: Mine! [They laugh happilly]
- Rev. Putty: Bloberta! What brings you...
- Bloberta: Reverend, I want you.
- Rev. Putty: I... uh... I'm sorry?
- Bloberta: I need you. I have this feeling.
- Rev. Putty: Oh, well, uh... Meet me at the church repressional.
- Bloberta: No! I want to be with you! I want your mind, your body. I want to get close to you in anyway. Touch you, anywhere. I'm yours, all yours!
- Rev. Putty: AAAAHHHH!!! (ejaculates in his pants and falls on his knees) I'm done.
- Bloberta: What?
- Rev. Putty: I'm done! Go away! Go a million miles away! (slams the door)
- Bloberta: Good afternoon.
- Clay: Oh, yeah? What's so afternoon about it?
- Bloberta: Well, it's 4:30 P.M. What kind of an example is that for your son?
- Clay: Don't worry about Orel, he's fine! A chip off the 'ol block, out of my flesh and...
- [Clay opens the door to the bathroom to find Orel bathing in the blood of his friends, who are standing around with knives and other sharp things.]
- Clay: ...blood?
- Orel: Oh, hi, dad. Pretty great, huh?
- [Clay has finished spanking Orel, causing Orel to forget his enlightenment]
- Clay: I hope that's taught you a lesson, son.
- Orel: It sure has! I'm never gonna do that [Shocking his heart], with those [Defibrillator pads], in there [The Hospital], for that long, ever again!
- Clay: Good boy, son...good boy...
- Clay: Orel, how would you like to go on a father-and-son outing together?
- Orel: Father and son; and how!
- Clay: Wait a minute! you're asking me to take responsibility for what Orel does?
- Rev. Putty: I know it's a tall order.
- Clay: 90% of the time, I'm not even responsible for my own action!
- Principal Fakey: What if you quit drinking?
- Clay: (mockingly) Yeah, what if?
- (After being told about "the children's crusade")
- Orel: Did the children's crusade really work?
- Miss Sculptham: of course they probably did, how dare you question things when I don't!
- Miss Censordoll: I am not "Holier-than-thou", Mother. But I am Holier than you.
- Nurse Bendy: Firstly, we must all pray for grace! Dear Lord in Godland, bless this mess of delicious food and thank you kindly for keeping our joyous family together under this one love-filled roof! We all need people who aren't mean to me or that don't act like they care about doing dirty, awful things to you. [becoming more despondent with each sentence] We need family because they care that I'm a real person who has thoughts of sadness, sometimes, along with happy thoughts or scared or aloneness thoughts. I feel thoughts of emotions and I need people to know that. So, thank you for keeping this family in good... shape. [suddenly cheerful again] The end for now, while we eat, signed, my family. [wipes a tear from her eye] Wow. My eye is really sweating up a storm here.
- Orel: Where did you learn to shoot like that, Doughy?
- Doughy: I don't know. I guess you just have to act like nobody cares; like, nothing you ever do really means anything to anybody. You know, like you're totally invisible.
- Doughy: Hey, sheriff? You want me to stay here to make sure that Orel doesn't goof anything up? Or maybe you can take me on the hunting trip with you, sheriff.
- Clay: Oh ho ho, Doughy. That was just a ploy to get Orel to shoot better. Why, you could be Lee Harvey Oswald and I still wouldn't bring you on that trip with me.
- Joe: Hey Orel, where are you going tagging along with your dad like a goofy-two-shoes?
- Orel: My dad's taking me hunting
- Joe: Cool! I love killing things! It's funny!
- Orel: Yeah...
- Joe: You should try shooting animals right in the legs, that way, It'll be easier to punch them to death!
- Joe: Um...are you my mom?
- Nurse Bendy: What? Who told you that?
- Joe: Some dummy...
- Nurse Bendy: How can I be your mom? I've never even hit you!
- Miss Censordoll: Finish this one: "Unbridled free thinking leads to...?"
- Bloberta: Free thinking...free thinking...free thinking? This that even a word?
- Miss Censordoll: Two words. Some call it a phrase.
- Mrs Hymentact: Modella, I'm surprised at you
- Modella Hymentact: It wasn't I, mother
- Mrs Hymentact: Well, it certainly wasn't our dear, little Lunchbox here
- Bloberta: Mom, that was me singing...along with the family
- Mrs Hymentact: Really, Bloberta; you know we don't need two sopranos, and your older sister has perfect pitch
- Bloberta: I know
- Raymond Hymentact: Oh please, nobody's per--
- Mrs Hymentact: RAYMOND!!!
- Raymond Hymentact: I'll shut up!
- Paramedic 1: I'm sorry, Mr Puppington, cardiac arrest.
- Paramedic 2: She was in heaven before we got here.
- Arthur: No...there is no heaven... [Clay hugs him, crying. Arthur shoves him aside] I don't need anymore of your leftovers.
- Clay: You'll go to hell for saying there's no heaven.
- [Arthur raises his arm to slap him, but stops]
- Arthur: You're not even worth it.
- Clay: Not worth it?
- Angela: Only God could explain why you stayed here with me, and your brothers and sisters didn't. It must have been all that praying I did during the pregnancy with you. Do you know I didn't even smoke? Imagine being that preoccupied that you forget to even light up a cigarette every once in a while. My stomach was tied in such knots, and...I was so steeped in all my prayers that I couldn't even force down a highball. I mean, if it wasn't for food, I would've wasted away to nothing; and of course, through everything that was going on through my mind, I never had time to horseback ride or go on a roller coaster. And that trampoline out back, that practically went to waste. With all that lack of exercise, it's a wonder you were ever born at all.
- [Orel is trying to find a date to the Arms-Length Dance]
- Orel: You see, I think Stephanie's kind of lost because she never had anyone special to take to the Arm’s Length Dance; and as far as I can see, bringing someone special to that is important to her happiness and maybe even mine.
- [Block enters the room and starts annoying Orel.]
- Orel: Knock it off Shapey- I mean Block- Block?! [gasps] Christina! Of course! There is someone special in my life! But, I'm not supposed to like her, because she's different. Unless, you don't mind? Please give me a sign, would you mind if--
- Block: No!
- Orel: Wow! Of all the things he could have said!
- Rev. Putty: Are you kidding? You can't compare you and her to Orel and his little Orellette.
- Stephanie: Why, because we're two girls, and tolerance is only a pretend theme?
- Rev. Putty: No. Because she didn't care about you.
- Stephanie: ...wow. You remember it better than I do.
- Rev. Putty: Yeah, I remember. When you've had my track record with love that stuff hits you like a ton of bricks. I felt bad for ya. But, if you keep playing that song, we might both get lucky tonight.
- Dotty: Florence, pull yourself together. It's embarrassing enough to be your friend!
- Florence: Dottie...we are not friends.
- Florence: These are my zebras.
- Rev. Putty: Oh, boy...
- Florence: Do you like them?
- Rev. Putty: Uh, Florence...
- Florence: I've been collecting them since I was seven.
- Rev. Putty: That's sad-- I mean nice.
- Rev. Putty: Well, if you remember last week's sermon, I ended it with a little cliffhanger: What was in the tomb when Mary Magdalene and company checked it out? Well, here's the answer: nothing. Nothing was in the tomb. Now, usually, nothing is a down. One big goose egg. Well, this time the goose laid a golden egg, people. Nothing meant "hope" for everyone. So the next time you look and see nothing, have a little hope for me. Amen.
- Clay: Well, well, well, Dr. Quentin Xavier Potterswheel!
- Potterswheel: Clay.
- Clay: Hey, Doc, we were just talking about ex-wives.
- Potterswheel: Uh, I'm a widower.
- Clay: Oh, right, right. Must be nice to lose a wife to sickness and death instead of her just plain ol' getting sick of you.
- Potterswheel: No... Not so nice, especially when you're a doctor.
- Clay: She just loved those painkillers! Probably didn't even realize she was infected, right Doc?
- Potterswheel: She was... quite comfortable when she passed.
- Clay: "Numb", some call it! Now, me and Jesus, we like to feel the pain. Tell me, doc. Did some of those painkillers protect her against you?
- Potterswheel: What does that mean?
- Clay: You know. The pain. Of you. Day in, day out, being there. With that face. Not knowing what to say. Not caring anymore. Not even knowing that you'll probably only care about her when it's finally too late. Forgetting about all those desperate- those desperate years you spent alone, your barren years when no woman would even consider resting her tired head on your shaky little shoulder. Stinking of belly semen. Why even wipe? And when you finally get one of these... [Points at Dolly and imitates a fanfare] ...coveted pieces of tail that have been built up as the grand trophy in your nothing life, you try desperately to keep it. Not to protect it! But to hoard it. To keep it away from the other wolves and jackals circling your territory! And you realize, all too soon, that you're not good enough! That maybe there was a jerk-off called Darwin after all. And that you never acknowledged his existence because you knew deep inside that you were really what you feared you were-- weak. And passive. And ultimately, broken by the ones who were made the fittest. And that through your weaknesses, you built up a poison that poisoned others around you. [About to cry] That you love. And the only true justice was to let those dominant jackals feed on you. Survive off you. [Potterswheel wipes his brow nervously with a handkerchief] If that one gets too sweaty, I've got an extra one for ya.
- Potterswheel: Uh...
- Clay: Oh, come on. It's a nice one.
- Dolly: Clay, maybe the doctor would like to be left alone.
- Clay: Oh, is that so? Well maybe you would like to put those slutty little breasts of yours right in my kisser! [Officer Papermouth puts a hand on Clay's shoulder] Ooh, the long arm of the law! [Papermouth readies to pistol whip the man, who just laughs]
- Potterswheel: No, Roger!
- Clay: Yeah, Roger, listen to the wife murderer! [he laughs again; Potterswheel grabs a knife and Reverend Putty grabs a bottle. Dolly leaves in a huff.] Aw, you better go too, Reves! Let the men handle this!
- Reverend Putty: How would your teeth like a five finger discount on a knuckle sandwich, Puppington?!
- Clay: [opens his mouth, waiting for them to smash his teeth in] Well? What are you waiting for? I'm waiting! I'm waiting! [after seeing him try to egg them on, the men leave, realizing he's not worth it] Well, it looks like the only fists that are raised in this town are pacifists! Yeah, run, get out of here! Get out of here, cowards! Look at you! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!! Where are you all going?! GET BACK HERE! YOU COME BACK HERE!!! SHOW ME THAT YOU HAVE ONE ONCE OF TESTOSTERONE BETWEEN THE THREE OF YOU!!! [he drops to his knees] With all you people as role models, no wonder my son is...sensitive.
- [Orel stands stoically in Clay's study. Clay stares blankly at Orel]
- Clay: [Awkward] So, uh...how are...things...Orel?
- Orel: [quick and blunt] I think we should get right to the lecture and punishment because I have a lot to do.
- Clay: Whoa! Mister Busy!
- Orel: You had six months to talk.
- Clay: The last six months were not filled with you helping some mad woman campaign against me and my job!
- Orel: You don't even like your job.
- Clay: Like? Like?! No-one likes their job! Have you listened to anything I've ever said in here? Does this chair absorb my voice? Do all these dead animal heads eat my words before they reach your delicate little ears?!
- Orel: Can I go now?
- Clay: You know that thing that you do with your hands, and mouth, and throat, and stomach? That thing called "eating?" Well, say goodbye to that forever if I lose my position in this town because of you!
- Orel: I will.
- Clay: Okay!! [Normally] You can go.
- Clay: Reverend Moderator, citizens of Moralton, friends, I have been criticized quite intensely for the outlawing of our little gooey breakfast buddies. I have been called a calloused hunter by my esteemed opponent. Does hunting and death really pose such a horrible threat to this town? Death, dear friends, is the best thing ever! Death is the beginning of our everlasting life. The only eggs I smash are the eggs of filth, the inhuman eggs that squeeze with vile evil, through the tantalizingly moist passage of feminine foul temptation, [is now becoming more and more lustful] protruding from our mother, bit by bit, with wrongful, erotic succulence. Completely enveloped by that soiled, evil, maternal opening.
- Clay: What are you doing here with my son?!
- Orel: Stop!
- Clay: The thought of you two together makes my skin crawl!
- Orel: Please! All we were doing was...having a nice time. For the first Christmas in...I don't know how long. I felt relaxed and full of joy.
- Clay: This...is...rape! You raped my son!
- Bloberta: What?
- Clay: With niceness, in order to get to me! Well, it worked, you got to me! Now you stay away from him! He's not yours, I am! [He stops, realizing what he's just said] I mean-- he's mine, my son! Oh, I miss you..., Orel. I need you in my life..., Orel. And I...I...I...love you.
- Bloberta: [Bitterly] We should go.
- Clay: I love you, I love you, I love you..., Orel.
- Orel: Come on, dad, it's late.
- Clay: No! [He takes a step towards Stopframe, but cracks a picture of the two]
- Daniel Stopframe: He's right. It's too late.
- Clay: Right. [he turns to leave]
- Daniel Stopframe: I had fun. [Clay turns around, only to see Stopframe smiling with Orel. Heartbroken, he leaves with his family, but leaves behind the stuffed bear. Stopframe strokes it.] Well, how are you at trimming?
- Rev. Putty: Today's Christmas sermon is about family. What is family? Well, a lot of times, family is just a bunch of people who are forced to be together just because they came out of each other, but every so often...a miracle happens. A loving family, just like that—out of nowhere. Now, what causes this? A belief in God, a strong moral structure, blind luck? Who knows? Who cares? Ah, you're not gonna get any answers out of me. I'm just a puppet for the Big Guy. I don't write this stuff. The end. I mean, Amen. Nah, who am I kidding? The end.
- Arthur: I blame myself for how you treated Orel.
- Clay: Orel is doing fine...ish.
- Arthur: Well, I have to admit, I was kind of surprised he didn't know about God for so long in this God-forsaken, God-fearing town. Why?
- Clay: I didn't have the confidence to answer any of his questions, let alone talk about God (he starts crying) because I felt worthless.
- (Both Arthur and Clay recall when the younger version of the former told the childhood version of the latter, "You're not even worth it." This resulted in Clay associating abuse with worth and attention.)
- Clay: But now I know that's the answer to EVERY ONE of his questions!!! I never want you to see Orel again.
- Carolyn Lawrence - Orel Puppington, Christina Posabule, Dolly Forghetti
- Scott Adsit - Clay Puppington, Dr Potterswheel, Doughy Latchkey, Coach Stopframe (Season 3), Ms Censordoll (Season 3), Art Posabule, various
- Britta Phillips - Bloberta Puppington, Agnes Sculptham, Stephanie Foamwire-Putty, Tommy Littler, Nurse Bendy, Florence Papermouth, Poppet Posabule, various
- Jay Johnston - Coach Stopframe (Seasons 1 & 2), Ms Censordoll (Seasons 1 & 2), Principal Fakey, Officer Roger Papermouth (Seasons 1 & 2), Joe Secondopinionson, Sal Figurelli (Seasons 1 & 2), Carl Latchkey
- William Salyers - Reverend Rod Putty
- David Herman - Principal Fakey (Season 3), Officer Roger Papermouth (Season 3), Sal Figurelli (Season 3)
- Tigger Stamatopoulos - Shapey Puppington, Block Posabule
- Dino Stamatopoulos - Dale Armature, Cecil Creepler, Arthur Puppington, Raymond Hymentact
- KK Dodds - Kim Latchkey, Dotty
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