Ouran High School Host Club

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Ouran High School Host Club is an anime and manga series created by Bisco Hatori in 2003. Anime was dubbed by FUNimation Entertainment.

English Cast[edit]

Main Cast[edit]

Tamaki Suoh - Vic Mignogna

Haruhi Fujioka - Caitlin Glass

Kyoya Otori - J. Michael Tatum

Hikaru Hitachiin - Todd Haberkorn

Kaoru Hitachiin - Greg Aryes

Mitsukuni "Honey" Haninozuka - Luci Christian

Takashi "Mori" Morinozuka - Travis Willingham

Recurring Roles[edit]

Renge Houshakuji - Monica Rial

Umehito Nekozawa - Patrick Seitz

Ritsu Kasanoda - Christopher Sabat

Kanako Kasugasaki - Laura Bailey

Shiro Takaoji - Brina Palencia

Benio Amakusa - Stephanie Young

Chizuru Maihara - Jamie Marchi

Hinako Tsuwabuki - Brittney Karbowski

Ryoji "Ranka" Fujioka - Mike McFarland

Kotoko Fujioka - Jennifer Seman

Yuzuru Suoh - John Swasey

Yoshio Otori - Kent Williams

Misuzu Sonoda - Sonny Strait

Eclair Tonnerre - Colleen Clinkenbeard

Momoka Kurakano - Carrie Savage

Kimiko Sakurazuka - Kate Oxley

Kirimi Nekozawa - Cherami Leigh

Shima Maezono - Juli Erickson

Ayanokoji - Leah Clark

Arai - Jerry Jewell

Tetsuya Sendo - John Burgmeier

Grandma Suoh - Judy Keith

Maid A - Amber Cotton

Maid B - Amber Cotton

Guest Stars[edit]

Fuyumi Otori - Christine Auten

Yasuchika "Chika" Haninozuka - Aaron Dismuke

Kazukiyo Soga - Kyle Herbert

Kadomatsu - Brandon Potter

Kuretake - Tiffany Grant

Landlady - Julie Mayfield

Toru Suzushima - Eric Vale

Hina Kamishiro - Kate Bristol

Dr. Yabu - Chuck Huber

Ayame - Jay Wilson

Akira Komatsuzawa - Christopher Bevins

Tomochika Sakyo - Kevin M Connolly

Chikage Ukyo - Chris Cason

Sumire - Megan Miller

Seller - John Gremillion

Liquor Store Boss - Jeremy Inman

Honey's Father - John Gremillion

Benio Amakuza Fan Club Executive - Wendy Powell

Ritsu Kasanoda (Young) - Colleen Clinkenbeard

Ritsu's Father - R Bruce Elliott

Host Club Guest's Mother - Linda Leonard

Hitatchiin Maid - Michele Specht

Season 1[edit]

Episode 1- Starting Today, You Are A Host![edit]

Haruhi (Narrating) - *sigh* This place has four library rooms. You think one of them would be quiet. *looks out window* How are things in heaven mom? I can't believe it's been ten years already. I'm beginning to think that rich kids only come to school to have a good time. *find music room #3* An abandoned music room. *opens door* I guess this is the only place I'll be able to study in peace and quiet.

  • rose petals*

Host Club - Welcome!

Haruhi (Narrating) - When I opened the door, I found the host club.

  • Starting Today, You Are A Host! (title)*

Tamaki (Narrating) - Only those with excellent social standing, and those from filthy rich families, are lucky enough to spend their time here, at the elite, private school, Ouran Academy. The Ouran Host Club is where the schools handsomest boys with too much time on their hands, entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Ouran Academy's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful.

Haruhi - This is a Host Club!?

Host Club - Oh, wow! It's a boy!

Kyoya - Hikaru, Kaoru, I believe this young man is in the same class as you, isn't he?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Yeah, but he's shy. He doesn't act very sociably, so we don't know much about him.

Kyoya - Hm. Well that wasn't very polite. Welcome to the Ouran Host Club, Mr. Honor's Student.

Tamaki - What? You must be Haruhi Fujioka!

Haruhi - *tries to escape*

Tamaki - You're the exceptional honor's student we've heard about!

Haruhi - How did you know my name?

Kyoya - Why, you're infamous. It's not everyday a commoner gains entrance into our academy. You must have an audacious nerve to work hard enough to fight your way into this school as an honor's student, Mr. Fujioka.

Haruhi - Well...Uh...Thank you, I guess...

Tamaki - You're welcome! *puts hand around Haruhi's shoulder* You're a hero to all other poor people, Fujioka. You've shown the world that even a poor person can excel at an elite private academy!

  • Haruhi scoots away slowly*

Tamaki - It must hard for you to constantly be looked down upon by others.

Haruhi - I think you're taking this poor thing too far.

Tamaki - Spurned, neglected. But that doesn't matter now. Long live the poor! We welcome you poor man to our world, of beauty!

Haruhi - I'm outta here.

Honey - Hay! Come back here Haru-Chan! You must be like a superhero or something! That's so cool!

Haruhi - I'm not hero, I'm an honor's student. AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING HARU-CHAN!?!?!?!? *pant, pant*

Tamaki - I never would have imagined that the famous scholar would be so openly gay.

Haruhi - Openly what?

Tamaki - So tell me what kind of guy's you're into. *shows Mori* Do you like the strong silent type, *shows Honey* the Boy-Lolita? *shows the twins* How about the mischievous type, *shows Kyoya* or the cool type?

Haruhi - I....Uh...I-I-It's not like that! I was just looking for a quiet place to study!

Tamaki - *strokes Haruhi's face* Or maybe, your into a guy like me. What do you say?

  • Haruhi jumps out of Tamaki's reach only to bump into an expensive vase, smashing it into a million pieces*

Hikaru and Kaoru - AAGGHH!

Hikaru - We were going to feature that Renaissance vase in an upcoming school auction.

Kaoru - Oh, now you've done it commoner! The bidding on that vase was supposed to start at eight million yen!

Haruhi - What!? Eight million yen!? How many thousand yen is that? How many thousands are in a million? Uh..I'm gonna have to pay you back.

Hikaru and Kaoru - With what money? You can't even afford a school uniform.

Kaoru - What's with that grubby outfit you got on anyway?

Kyoya - Well, what do you think we should do Tamaki?

Haruhi - !

Tamaki - There is a famous saying you made have heard Fujioka. When in Rome, you should do as the Romans do. Since you have no money, you can pay with your body. That means starting today, you're the Host Club's dog.

Haruhi - I don't know if I can handle this mom. I been captured by a bunch of boys that are calling themselves a "Host Club".

Honey - Poke, poke.

  • Haruhi faints*

Later, during the Host Club....

Girl 1 - Um, Tamaki, what's your favorite song?

Tamaki - What song? The one that reminds me of you, of course.

Girl 2 - I baked you a cake today. Would you like to taste it?

Tamaki - Only if you'll feed it to me, darling.

Girl 2 - Oh, wow. You're so dreamy.

Ayanokoji - May I have a word with you, Tamaki?

Tamaki - Hm?

Ayanokoji - I've recently heard the Host Club is keeping a kitten with now pedigree.

Tamaki - Huh, I don't know if I'd call him that. *Haruhi walks in* Oh, speak of the devil. Thanks for doing the shopping, little piglet. Did you get everything on our list?

Haruhi - What? Piglet?

Tamaki - Hey, wait a minute. What is this?

Haruhi - Just what it looks like. It's coffee.

Tamaki - I've never seen this brand before. Is this the kind that's already ground?

Haruhi - What do you mean? It's instant coffee.

Girls - It's instant?

Tamaki - Woah! I've heard of this before! It's commoners' coffee. You just add hot water!

Gril 1 - I didn't know there was such a thing.

Girl 2 - So, it's true then. Poor people don't have enough free time to grind their own coffee beans.

Girls - Mmhm!

Kyoya - Commoners are pretty smart.

Hikaru - One hundred grams for three hundred yen?

Kaoru - That's a lot less then we normally pay.

Haruhi - I'll go back and get something else. Excuse me for not getting you guys expensive coffee.

Tamaki - No, I'll keep it.

Everyone - *gasp*

Tamaki - I'm going to give it a try. I will drink this coffee!

Everyone except Haruhi - *applause*

Tamaki - Alright, Haruhi. Get over here and make some of this commoners coffee.

Haruhi - I hate all these damn rich people.

Ayanokoji - Oh, Tamaki. Now you're taking the joke too far. Your pallet won't be able to stomach that crap. You don't have to drink it just because he bought it.

Haruhi - Hm?

Ayanokoji - I'm sorry. *looks right at Haruhi* I was talking to myself.

Haruhi - Um...

Tamaki - Haruhi!

Haruhi - Uh-I'm coming.

Haruhi - *makes instant coffee* Here.

Tamaki - Let the tasting begin.

Girl 1 - I'm a little scared to drink this stuff.

Girl 2 - I'm afraid if I drink this, my father will yell at me.

Tamaki - What if I let you drink it, from my mouth?

Girl 2 - Well, then I would drink it.

  • Fangirl screams*

Haruhi - This is ridiculous.

Hikaru - HAHAHA! So he had this nightmare that made him bolt right out of bed.

Kaoru - Hikaru! Don't tell them that story! I asked you not to tell anyone that. *starts to cry* Why are you so mean to me?

Hikaru - I'm sorry, Kaoru.

Girls - *gasp*

  • Hikaru gets so close, they could almost kiss*

Hikaru - I didn't mean to upset you. But you were so adorable when it happened, I just had to tell them. I'm sorry.

Kaoru - I forgive you.


Haruhi - What are they so excited about? I just don't get it.

Honey - *yawn* Sorry. We're running late.

Girl 1 - Hello, Honey! Hey, Mori!

Girl 2 - We've waiting for you guys! Hi!

Honey - I'm sorry. I was waiting for Takashi to finish his Kendo meeting, and I fell asweep. *rubs eyes* And I'm still not, completely awake.

Girls - *gasp* SO CUTE!!

Haruhi - Is that boy really a third year student?

Kyoya - Honey-Senpai might seem young and childish, but he's a prodigy. And then Mori-Senpai allure, is as strong and silent as his position.

Haruhi - Uh...

Honey - Haru-Chan! Hey, Haru-Chan, do you wanna go have some cake with me?

Haruhi - Thanks, but I don't really like cake.

Honey - Than how about, would you like to hold on to my bunny, Usa-Chan?

Haruhi - I' not, into, bunnies.

Honey - Are you saying you don't like Usa-Chan?

Haruhi - Oh...I guess he is kinda cute, huh?

Honey - *gasp*........ Take good care of him, okay!?

Kyoya - You'll notice that our club utilizes each mans unique characteristics to cater to the desires of our guests. Just so you know, Tamaki's number one around here. He's the King. His request rate is seventy percent.

Haruhi - What's this world coming to?

Kyoya - And in order for you to pay off your eight million yen debt with us, you act as the Ouran Host Clubs dog until you graduate. I'm sorry. I meant our errand boy. You can try to run if you want to Haruhi, but just so you know, my family employes a private police force of one hundred officers. By the way, do have a passport?

Haruhi - Huh?

Tamaki - You're gonna have to work hard to pay off that debt, my little nerd. *lightly blows on the back of Haruhi's neck*

Haruhi - *gasp*! *pant, pant, pant, pant, pant* Please don't do that again.

Tamaki - You need a makeover or no girl is going to look twice at you.

Haruhi - Yeah. Well, I'm not trying to get girls to look at me.

Tamaki - Are you kidding me? That's the most important thing! You have to learn to be a gentlemen and please the ladies, like me.

Haruhi - I just don't think it's all that important.

Tamaki - Hm!?

Haruhi - Why should I care about appearances and labels anyway? I mean, all that really matters is what's on the inside, right? I don't understand why you even have a Host Club like this.

Tamaki - It's a cruel reality, isn't it?

Haruhi - *growl*

Tamaki - It's not often that God creates a perfect person like moi. Beautiful both inside and out.

Haruhi - Say what?

Tamaki - I understand how you feel, since not everyone is as blessed as I am. But you must console yourself, if otherwise you couldn't go on living. And think about this, Haruhi. Why do you think they put works of art on museums? Because beauty should be shared with the world. And those born beautiful --

Haruhi - There's a word to describe people like him. Arrgh. What is it? Aw man. I wish I could remember that word. Hmm...

Tamaki - I've decided to share my expertise with you. Here's a tip! When setting down your glass, extend your pinky finger as a cushion. And that way, when you set it down, You won't be making a lot of noise--

Haruhi - Hmm...Maybe...A pain in the neck....No....There's something that fits him perfectly....

Tamaki - And above all else Haruhi, you must remember, how effective a glance to the side can be.

Haruhi - Huh, I got it!

Tamaki - Oh, did I strike a chor--

Haruhi - Obnoxious!

Tamaki - Uh-- *goes to the corner and rolls up like a ball*

Haruhi - Uh, I'm sorry Tamaki-Senpai.

Hikaru and Kaoru - HAHAHA!

Hikaru - You're a hero alright.

Kaoru -Uhhuh!

Haruhi - {He really is a pain in the neck} I'm sorry Senpai. But your lesson did strike a small chord with me.

Tamaki - *stands up* Really? It did? Let me teach you more, my friend.

Haruhi - Well, he got over that quick.

Kaoru - Boss?

Tamaki - Call me King!

Kaoru - You can teach him all the basics of Hosting,

Hikaru - But he's not going to get very far with the ladies if he doesn't look the part, you know? *starts taking Haruhi's glasses off* He's not Host Club material but, maybe if we took off his glasses it'll help. !

Haruhi - Hey, I need those! I used to have contacts, but I lost them on the first day of school.

Tamaki - *gasp* *snap* Hikaru! Kaoru!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Got it! *pulls Haruhi away*

Haruhi - AAAAHHHHH!!!

Tamaki - Kyoya, my hair stylist! Mori-Senpai, go to the eye doctor and get him some contact lenses!

Honey - What about me, Tama-Chan!?

Tamaki - Honey-Senpai....

Honey - Yes, Sir!?

Tamaki - You...Go have some cake.

Honey - It's just us, Usa-Chan. Everyone else said they were too busy.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Here! Change into this uniform!

Haruhi - What!? But why!?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Don't ask questions!

Haruhi - NO! WAIT!



Hikaru and Kaoru - WWWAAAHHH!! Huh?

Honey - Ummm...Yummy....

Haruhi - Um..Senpai...

Tamaki - Aren't you done changing yet?

Haruhi - *opens curtain* You sure it's really okay for me to keep this uniform?

Tamaki - SO CUTE! You're as pretty as a girl! Adorable!

Honey - Haru-Chan you look so cute!

Hikaru -If we had known that's how you really look...

Kaoru - We would have helped you out sooner!

Kyoya - Who knows. Maybe he'll draw in some customers.

Tamaki - You know, that's just what I was thinking.

(Bull crap)

Tamaki - Our errand boy is moving up the ranks! Starting today, you're an official member of the Host Club! I will personally train you to be a first rate Host! If you can get one hundred customers to request your service, we will completely forget about your eight million yen debt.

Haruhi - A Host?

Kimiko - So, tell me Haruhi, do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do?

Momoka - I'm curious, what kind of products do you use on your skin?

Girl - Yes, it's so pretty!

Haruhi - {I can't do this anymore. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.}

Girls - So why did you join the Host Club, Haruhi?

Haruhi - {Uh...All I have to do is get one hundred customers to request me, and they'll forget about my eight million yen debt. I know just the story.}

Momoka - I see. Your mother was sick and passed away ten years ago. Who does the chores around the house?

Haruhi - Oh, I do them myself. My mother taught me. She was an amazing cook. And when she went to the hospital, she left me all kinds of different recipes. It was fun to create each dish. Especially when they turned out well. And it made me happy to see my dad enjoy it. I've had a hard childhood, but dad and I have managed to make it through okay.

Girls - So, uh.. Is it okay.. if tomorrow.. we request to sit with you again?

Haruhi - Yeah, I'd really appreciate that ladies.

Tamaki - Why is he so popular?

Kyoya - He's a natural.

Hikaru and Kaoru - No training needed.

Ayanokoji - Have you forgotten about me?

Tamaki - Oh, no. Sorry Princess. I'm just a little bit concerned about our newest host.

Ayanokoji - Well, that's obvious, Tamaki. You sure have been keeping an eye on him.

Tamaki - Of course. I have to. I'm training him to be a gentlemen like me. *snap* Haruhi! Come here for a minute.

Haruhi - What's up?

Tamaki - I'd like you to meet someone. This is my regular guest, Princess Ayanokoji.

Haruhi - {It's that girl from earlier.} Miss, It's a pleasure to meet you.

Tamaki - *gasp* *grabs Haruhi and starts twirling him around* That was so cute! That little bashfulness was good! Very good! Amazingly good!

Ayanokoji - Tamaki...

Tamaki - Oh, your so cute!!

Haruhi - Mori-Senpai! Help me!

Mori - *grabs Haruhi out of Tamaki's grasp and holds him in the air* *blushes*

Tamaki - Mori-Senpai...you really didn't have to go that far. *to Haruhi* Come on little one, let Daddy give you a big hug.

Haruhi - I already have a dad, I don't need another one.


Haruhi - Hey, what happened to my bag? *Haruhi looks out the window and sees all of his things in the fountain outside* Oh. Are you kidding me? But, how did that happen? I didn't think there were bullies at this school. Guess their everywhere.

  • Haruhi runs down the hallway and stops when he sees Ayanokoji*

Ayanokoji - Oh. It's you again. I bet you love having Tamaki making you over and fawning over you. It's useless though. You're always going to be a second class citizen. *walks away*

Haruhi - I have a feeling that girl's the one who threw my bag in the pond. I can't be bothered with her right now though. I gotta find my wallet or I won't have any money for food this week.

Tamaki - Hey, commoner! You've got some nerve skipping out on the club like that. *gasp* Why is your bag all wet?

Haruhi - Uh..it's no big deal. I got it. I just can't find my food money.

  • Tamaki gets in the pond to help Haruhi*

Haruhi - Oh..Hey, you don't have to do that. You'll get wet.

Tamaki - A little water never hurt anyone. Besides, people are always telling me that I'm dripping with good looks.

  • Haruhi blankly stares at Tamaki*

Tamaki - Oh...Hang on a second. This what you're looking for? *walks over to Haruhi* What's the matter? You're staring off into space. You're not falling for me, are you?

Haruhi - *snatches wallet* Oh, no way!

Tamaki - How did your bag end up in the pond anyway?

Haruhi - *blush* Well..uh..I guess I accidentally dropped it out the window at some point.

Ayanokoji - Oh, really? That must've been terrible. I can't imagine what I'd do if my bag fell into the pond.

Haruhi - {Why did she request me, when it's obvious she doesn't like me?}

Ayanokoji - And you actually made Tamaki search that dirty old pond with you. How astonishing. You do realize he's blue-blood and not a commoner, right? The only reason he's paying attention to you, is because he's trying to turn you into a gentlemen. Don't start thinking he cares about you because he's doting on you.

Haruhi - Now I understand. You're jealous of me.

  • Ayanokoji kicks the table causing her and Haruhi to fall, and Haruhi is now on top of her*

Ayanokoji - AAAAHHHH!! No Haruhi! Leave me alone! Somebody help me! He just attacked me! Someone do something! Teach this commoner a lesson!

  • The twins splash water on them*

Ayanokoji - Oh, why did you do that?

  • Tamaki helps her up*

Ayanokoji - Do something, Tamaki. Haruhi just assaulted me.

Tamaki - I'm disappointed in you. You threw his bag in the pond, didn't you?

Ayanokoji - You don't know that. Do you have any proof that I did?

Tamaki - You know, you're a beautiful girl, but you aren't classy enough to be our guest dear. If there's one thing I know, Haruhi is not that kind of a man.

Ayanokoji - But..why Tamaki..*starts to cry* you idiot! *runs out for good*

Tamaki - Hmm..Now how am I going to punish you? Because it is your fault after all. Your quota is now one thousand!

Haruhi - Gh..One thousand...

Tamaki - *put hand out for Haruhi* Come on. I've high expectations for you, my little rookie. *wink*

Haruhi - Huh?

Kyoya - This is the only spare uniform we have. Sorry, but it's better than a wet one, right?

Haruhi - Thanks a lot you guys. I'm gonna go change.

Tamaki - Haruhi. *opens curtain* Here you go. I've brought you some towels. *sees Haruhi and realizes that he's a girl and closes the curtain*

Tamaki - Haruhi...

Haruhi - Yeah?

Tamaki - So..You're a girl?

Haruhi - Biologically speaking, yeah. *opens curtain and is wearing the girls school uniform* *blush*


Haruhi - Listen, Senpai. I don't really care if you guys recognize me as a boy or a girl. In my opinion it's more important for a person to be recognized for who they are, rather than what sex they are.

Kyoya - Well, isn't this an interesting development.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Oh yeah.

Haruhi - Uh..you know I have to say Senpai, I thought you were pretty cool earlier.

Tamaki - Uh..*face turns red*..................................

Kyoya - Now, I could be wrong but, I think we might be witnessing the beginnings of love here.

Haruhi - Being a host, and getting fussed over by a bunch of girls, might not be that bad.

Tamaki - GAH!

Haruhi - I wonder how I could pull it off. I've got it. I'll just start calling everyone dude and bro now. *giggle*

Episode 2 - The Job Of A High School Host[edit]

Haruhi - *fast walks* I'll never hear the end of it if I show up late. * opens door and sees an amazon paradise in music room 3* What is this? Where am I?

Host Club - Welcome!

Haruhi (Narrating) - When I opened the door, the whole place was decked out like a tropical paradise. Can you see this from heaven mom? This was the club I was forced to join.

  • Title-The Job of a High School Host!*

Hikaru and Kaoru - You finally made it Haruhi. You're so late.

Haruhi - I could be wrong, but my calendar says it's still early spring.

Tamaki - Huddling over a kotatsu table fearing the cold is nonsense. Besides, the heating system we have is, the best!

Haruhi - Ugh.

Kyoya - Do you have a problem with the way we run our club Haruhi? Be careful what you say. You owe us eight million yen, remember?

Haruhi - *gasp* {Flashback-CRASH}

Tamaki - Gentlemen don't bundle up in bulky clothing. It may be chilly early spring out there in the real world, but here at the club we want to surprise our chilly little kittens with a warm tropical paradise. Oh, yes! We've turned this place into nirvana. A balmy tropical island of ever lasting summer!

Haruhi - That's funny, because I feel a massive chill right now.

Tamaki (Narrating) - Only those with excellent social standing, and those from filthy rich families, are lucky enough to spend their time here, at the elite, private school, Ouran Academy. The Ouran Host Club is where the schools handsomest boys with too much time on their hands, entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Ouran Academy's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful.

Tamaki - What heartlessness! Even with my lustrous skin, shining like brilliant ivory, exposed by my Balinese King outfit, I'm no more than a slave before my goddess, I kneel before you swearing my loyalty.

Girl 1 - Tamaki...

Girl 2 - Lucky.

Girl 3 - Oh, wow.

Tamaki - Oh, yes. I almost forgot to mention to you ladies, next week the Ouran Host Club is sponsoring a party.

Haruhi - We're throwing a party?

Girl - What kind of party is it going to be? Is it going to be formal?

Hikaru - Yes. In fact, we've rented the schools largest hall.

Kaoru - It's the perfect place for dancing.

  • twins get really close*

Hikaru - But I really wanted to spend some alone time with you, Kaoru.

Kaoru - Don't be upset Hikaru. I know exactly how you feel.

  • Fangirs screaming*

Haruhi - The guests seem even more worked up than they usually are.

Kyoya - Showing some skin is popular with the ladies.

Haruhi - So, are you the one with this tropical paradise idea?

Kyoya - I have no decision making authority. All of the club policies are laid out by the clubs king, Tamaki. But, I guess there's no harm in admitting to casually slipping a Bali photo book onto his desk.

Haruhi - {So he's the real brains behind the operation.}

Honey - Ta-da!

Girls - Aw! You're so cute Honey!

Honey - Hi, ladies! I love these Balinese flowers. We had them flown in. Takashi! *puts flowers on Takashi* There! We match!

Girl - There covered in camellias!

Haruhi - I'm still thoroughly confused by the two of them.

Kimiko - Um, Haruhi...aren't you going to wear a tropical outfit like the other boys?

Momoka - I'd like to see that.

Haruhi - Oh-uh-well-no-I-I just don't think it's appropriate to wear anything but early-spring attire in early-spring ,you know?

Tamaki - But we have one ready for you Haruhi. I think you'll like it. You and I are a pair.

Haruhi - No thanks.

Kimiko - Wow, Haruhi. You are really faithful to the different seasons, aren't you?

Momoka - I think that's great! I hope we're lucky enough that the cherry blossoms are in full bloom the night of the party.

Girl - The two of us, dancing among the cherry blossoms. It's so dreamy...

Haruhi - You really think so? You know, ladies, I think it's so cute when you dream like that.

Kanako - Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt, but I believe it's time for the Hosts to switch clients.

Haruhi - Oh, I'm sorry. You must be my next appointment, Miss...

Kanako - My name is Kanako. Kanako Kasugasaki. You're even cuter than I expected. I've decided. From now on you're going to be my new favorite host, Haruhi.

Tamaki - *slurps commoners ramen* {I can't take this anymore.}

Hikaru - Hey, boss! Why don't you stop eating that commoners ramen and come over to help us with the party planning.

Kaoru - Does it really bother you that Princess Kasuga has taken a liking to Haruhi?

Kyoya - He shouldn't be surprised. She has had the illness for a while now, hasn't she?

Haruhi - What illness?

Hikaru - She's got the Host-Hopping disease.

Kaoru - AKA, the never-seeing-the-same-boy-twice disease.

Kyoya - Usually, our customers choose a favorite host and then see them regularly. However, Princess Kanako tends to change her favorites on a regular basis.

Honey - That's right, because before she chose you she was with Tama-Chan.

Haruhi - Oh. So he's upset because I took her from him?

Tamaki - SHUT UP!! I COULDN'T CARE LESS!! Ugh! I'm running out of patience! Haruhi! It's time you started dressing like a girl!

Haruhi - Huh?

Tamaki - I don't understand how you can be so popular with the ladies, when you yourself are a lady! No one in the entire school knows the truth, excepts the ones of us here!

Hikaru - Yeah. She opted out of taking gym classes.

Kaoru - And the attendance numbers are all mixed together so no one can tell.

Tamaki - *grabs out a chest, searches through it* That's enough Haruhi. Now you listen to Daddy, *pulls out a huge picture of Haruhi with long hair* Daddy wants you to go back to the way you were then!

Haruhi - Don't go blowing up my photos without asking me first!

Hikaru - The more I look at this picture, the more amazed I am. How could this possibly become that?

Haruhi - The day before school started, one of the kids in my neighborhood got some gum in my hair. It's a real pain to get gum out of long hair. So, I decided to get it all cut off. I didn't care if looked like a dude, ya know?

Tamaki - Gh! Girls should never refer to herself as a dude! Mama! Haruhi's using those dirty boy words again! *sobs*

Kaoru - I'm sorry, but who's Mama?

Kyoya - Based on club position, I assume it's me.

Haruhi - Look, I don't see what you're crying about. Working as a host, I can pay off more of my debt. That would never happen if I am just an errand boy.

Hikaru - I hate to change the subject, but do you have formal dancing experience? You'll need it at the party.

Haruhi - Uh....no. But the party doesn't have anything to do with my quota, right? I'm not interested in going to events. So, if I could be excused..

Tamaki - Definitely not. A refined gentlemen must know how to dance. If you want to live the life of a host that badly, you're going to have to show us how far you are willing to go Haruhi. I order you to master the waltz in one week, and you will demonstrate it for us at the party. Or I'll tell the entire school that you're a girl, and knock you back down to errand boy.

Kanako - Quick, quick, slow. Quick, quick, slow. Good work, Haruhi. Now on the slow, you should keep your feet together.

Haruhi - Uh..

Kanako - Remember, the gentlemen always leads. And make sure to look at the lady you're dancing with.

Tamaki - *sulks in the corner*

Haruhi - Got it. Uh- waahh. *falls on top of Kanako* I'm so sorry Ms. Kasugasaki!

Kanako - *puts arms around Haruhi* It's ok, Haruhi.

Haruhi - Uh..Can I help you up.

Hikaru and Kaoru - (to Tamaki) Why so gloomy, boss?

Hikaru - I bet it's because he wanted to be the one who Haruhi practices with.

Kaoru - I think you may be right, but he's way to tall to stand in as a woman.

Haruhi - Thank you so much, for allowing me to practice with you. I really appreciate it.

Kanako - Oh, no problem. I heard that you're not seeing any customers today, so that you can practice dancing. I'm glad I got to spend this time alone with you.

Haruhi - Uh...

Kanako - *looks at tea cup* Oh, my. This is the new tea set isn't it? It's Ginori.

Haruhi - Ginori?

Kyoya - You have a keen eye, mademoiselle. In fact, we just received them yesterday. We decided it was about time for the club to upgrade its tea sets.

Kanako - I see. What a pretty color. Lovely.

Tamaki - *gasp*

Haruhi - You must really be into table ware, huh?

Kanako - Uh! No! Not really! I mean no! Of course I'm not! What ever would give you that idea?

Haruhi - {She obviously knows a lot about it. Why would she lie?}

  • door opens*

Toru - Hello? I'm here with the new teacups you ordered.

Kanako - *gasp*

Kyoya - Ah, thank you very much. Every item you have chosen for us, has been extremely popular with the ladies. I'm quite impressed.

Toru - Well, that's good to hear.

Haruhi - So, do you sell tea sets?

Toru - No. I'm just a regular student. Can't you tell by the uniform?

Kanako - Haha. Oh, Haruhi, you're so funny. Hahahahaha. I can't blame you for not knowing. After all, he doesn't really look like an heir to a high-class company.

Toru - *gasp*

Haruhi - First-class company?

Kyoya - His family business, Suzushima Trading Company, deals primarily in the importing of tableware. They currently have the top market share in the country.

Haruhi - Wow.

Kyoya - So, whenever something exceptional comes in, we've asked them to send it our way.

Haruhi - *sees connection between Toru and Kanako*

Kyoya - He has a great eye for fine China. Don't you, Suzushima?

Toru - You think? I've still got a lot to learn. But, thank you.

Kyoya - Aren't you leaving next month to study abroad in England?

Toru - Yes, I am. Well, I'd better go now. *leaves*

Tamaki - So, you enjoying the Host Club?

Kanako - *gasp*

Haruhi - I get the feeling you and that guy are kinda close.

Kanako - Uhnuh! Don't be ridiculous! We hardly know each other! What makes you say that, Haruhi!? Heheh. Now, if you'll excuse me..Take care. *leaves*

Haruhi - Uh...

Honey - Haru-Chan! Guess what? They do know each other! Suzushima is Kasuga-Chan's fiance!

Tamaki - Kyoya. How long have you known about this?

Kyoya - About the two of them being engaged? Well, as you know I conduct general searches on all of our customers. The two of them were childhood friends. It seems that their engagement was arranged by their parents. I didn't think the information would benefit us, so I disregarded it.

Tamaki - I see...

Kyoya - Toru Suzushima: Outstanding grades, fair social status, he's ordinary looking, but he's reliable. If I had to fault him for anything...

Hikaru - He doesn't have much presence.

Kaoru - And he's faint hearted.

Kyoya - So, in other words, he's boring.

Haruhi - {I had no idea they were so merciless to other guys.}

Honey - Suzushima is a good boy. Right?

Mori - Yeah.

Tamaki - Alright everyone. We'll have to work on our strategy.

Everyone - Which one?

Tamaki - Men, it is our responsibility, as the members of the elite Ouran Host Club, to make every girl happy!

Tamaki - It is so good to see you all here tonight, my little lambs. The Ouran Host Club would like to bid you, welcome. *bows*

  • lights turn on and the orchestra starts playing*

Girls - *clapping*

Kyoya - As always ladies, the host club members are here for your entertainment. So, we invite you to dance to your content. Based on her dancing skills, one young lady will be chosen as tonight's queen. The queen's reward, will be a passionate kiss on the cheek from our king.

Tamaki - Good luck to you, my darlings.

  • fangirl screams*

Hikaru and Kaoru - Haruhi! Show some enthusiasm.

Haruhi - Well, excuse me you guys. Sorry. I'm not used to this sort of thing. I've only ever gone to the festivals held in my neighborhood park.

Kyoya - I don't know if you can really consider that a party or not. Well, since you're already here, you might as well get yourself something to eat. We've got quite a spread.

Haruhi - A spread? *blush* With fancy tuna?

  • Kyoya breaks his mechanical pencil*

Host Club - Fancy Tuna!?

Tamaki - *jumps off the balcony* Get some fancy tuna here right now!

Kyoya - And some deluxe sushi.

  • Hikaru and Kaoru are hugging Haruhi*

Haruhi - {Damn these filthy rich jerks...}

Kanako - Hello Haruhi. I've been looking all over for you. Do you think maybe I could have the next dance?

Haruhi - Yeah. Of course you can.

Honey - Kasuga-Chan is here.

Tamaki - Alright men. Then let us commence with our operation.

Mori and Honey - Roger!

  • Mori and Honey grab Haruhi away from Kanako and run off*

Kanako - What? Kidnapped?

Tamaki - Heh. *smiles*

  • doors burst open*

Kaoru - There she is!

Haruhi - You didn't have to be so forceful!

Hikaru - *gives Haruhi clothes* Never mind that! Go get changed!

Honey - *laughs and pushes Haruhi into the changing room*

Kyoya - A little accident towards the end of the night would be quite thrilling. And remember Haruhi, there are only twenty minutes remaining before the party reaches its climax. Suzushima is already waiting for you in the classroom across the hall.

  • Haruhi steps out of the changing room wearing a dress and a wig*

Honey - You have to ask him how he feels, ok?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Uh, we know this is the boss's strategy, but it's kind of unsettling.

Tamaki - *bursts through the doors* Gentlemen! Here you all are! What are you doing!? The guests are waiting for- *Tamaki sees Haruhi and blushes before her beauty*

Hikaru and Kaoru - So, what do think?

Honey - Wow! You look so cute!

Haruhi - My face feels heavy, and it's hard to walk in these shoes.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Good luck, Haruhi!

Tamaki - I can't believe...She's so pretty.

  • door opens*

Toru - *gasp* You're the one who wrote this letter? You're totally different from what I imagined.

Haruhi - Letter? (Narrating letter) I'm in love-love! From the first time I saw you, I've been head over heels in love! Hee-hee! It's like my heart is stuck in a never-ending typhoon! All these feelings of love keep whipping around in my heart like the breaking waves! When typhoons rising waters come, I want to rendezvous with you on Noah's Ark! I do! I do! {Who wrote such a stupid letter?}

Toru - Excuse me. Have we met somewhere before?

Haruhi - Ah! No uh-This is the first time I've ever talked to you! Heheheheheh...

Toru - I'm sorry. I'm flattered by your letter, but I'm afraid I don't feel the same way. You see, another girl already has my heart.

Haruhi - Oh, well, I didn't know that you had a girlfriend.

Toru - Unfortunately, she's not my girlfriend. In fact, I think she's completely over me. In all honesty, she'd be happier with someone more self-confident than me.

Kanako - Where exactly are you taking me, Tamaki?

Tamaki - You know, you're not the kind of girl who's good at manipulating others.

Kanako - What do you mean by that?

Tamaki - I have you all figured out Kanako. I know you're switching from host to host to get his attention. And I've noticed that you've always looked the happiest gazing into a teacup.

Kanako - *gasp*

(Kanako's flashback)

Young Toru - Hey, check these out, Kanako.

Young Kanako - So pretty.

Young Toru - There's a Wedgwood...a Foley...a Worcester...Over here's a Ginori, and a Meissen. Someday, you're gonna be my wife Kanako. So, I'll tell you about all of them, okay?

Young Kanako - Mmm-hmm!

Kanako - It's pointless. It doesn't matter how hard I try. He never notices me. And now, he's decided to study abroad without even telling me.

Toru - That's why I decided I need to change. I want to see the world, and hopefully, become a better man. I know it's selfish, but I wonder if she'll wait for me.

Haruhi - Yeah. You're right. The is pretty selfish of you.

Toru - Ugh!

Haruhi - But, maybe she would wait. You'll never know if you don't tell her how you feel. You obviously have strong feelings for her, so why not go ahead and talk to her? I think once you decide to change, than you've already begun your transformation.

  • Kanako opens the door to see Toru with a mystery girl*

Toru - Kanako..

Kanako - *gasp* I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you two. I just... *starts to cry* *runs off*

Toru - Kanako! *runs after her* Kanako!

Haruhi - Looks like we just made matter worse.

Tamaki - But he did go running after her.

Haruhi - *smile* {It's our responsibility, as the members of the elite Ouran Host Club, to make very girl happy.}

  • Toru grabs Kanako's arm after chasing her in the courtyard, then there's a spark. Suddenly, spotlight appear on Toru and Kanako*

Tamaki - Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for us to begin the final dance of this evenings festivities. The last waltz of the night has been chosen by the Ouran Host Club for this couple.

  • Kanako and Toru face each other*

Toru - Princess Kasuga, may I have this dance?

Kanako - *blush* *gasp*....................*smiles* Yes.

  • Toru and Kanako dance the last waltz of the evening. Meanwhile, the twins are eating bananas for no current reason*

Toru - I love you, Kanako. I've always loved you, and I want you to be my wife.

Kanako - *smiles out of true happiness* Tonight marks the end of my host-hopping.

Tamaki - Ah! May this awkward couple be forever blessed!

Hikaru - *holding banana peel* And now we'll announce the queen of the ball!

Kaoru - *holding banana peel* Congratulations Princess Kanako Kasugazaki!

Everyone - *clapping*

Hikaru - *no longer holing peel* And now, for her reward, a kiss on the check from the king!

Tamaki - You ready?

Kaoru - *no longer holding peel* Haruhi Fujioka will stand in for Tamaki!

Haruhi and Tamaki - Huh!?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Kyoya did say that a little accident towards the end of the night would make the evening more thrilling for everyone!

Toru - It's just on the check, right? You should except it. It will commemorate your graduation from host-hopping.

Haruhi - There's no way I can kiss her.

Kyoya - If you do it, we will cut your debt by one-third.

Haruhi - Well, it is just a peck on the cheek...

  • Haruhi walks down the steps to Kanako*

Honey - Hey, you don't think this is Haru-Chan's first kiss, do you?

Tamaki - What!?

  • Haruhi turn Kanako's face and is about to kiss her cheek when Tamaki comes running down the stairs*

Tamaki - Wait, Haruhi!

  • Tamaki slips on a banana peel pushing Haruhi, and causing Haruhi and Kanako to kiss on the lips*

Tamaki and Toru- Uh...

  • Haruhi and Kanako leap away from each other with their hands on their mouths*
  • Fangirl screams*

Haruhi - {I never would have thought that I'd end up giving my first kiss to another girl. But it was such an amazing night...so I guess it's just as well.} Hm.

Episode 3 - Beware The Physical Exam![edit]

Tamaki (Narrating) - Only those with excellent social standing, and those from filthy rich families, are lucky enough to spend their time here, at the elite, private school, Ouran Academy. The Ouran Host Club is where the schools handsomest boys with too much time on their hands, entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Ouran Academy's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful.

  • doors open*

Host Club - Welcome, ladies.

Tamaki - So, which cup would my Princess like her tea? The Foley? The Worcester? Or perhaps the Susie Cooper Gardenia?

Girl - Beautiful. These are English antiques aren't they? Which one do you like, Tamaki?

Tamaki - Which one? Well, none of these compare to my Princess.

Girl - Oh, wow. I don't really know what to say.

Kaoru - You mean you've never been to Covent Garden?

Girl - No. All of our antiques are from Portobello.

Hikaru - I think you'd like Covent Garden. Most of our Victorian pieces are from there.

  • Kaoru spills hot tea and burns his finger*

Hikaru - Kaoru! *kisses Kaoru's finger* Honestly, Kaoru. you have to be more careful. From now on, keep your eyes on me, okay?

Kaoru - Yes, Hikaru.

Girl 1 - Ah, I can't take it. It's overwhelming.

Girl 2 - You have to watch this. You mat not get another chance. Who knows when it will happen again.

Kyoya - You're absolutely right, mademoiselle. All beauty is fleeting. Just take a look at these cherry blossoms. You'll never be able to see them this vibrant again. And that's why, I've compiled this picture book that contains photos that capture the beauty of each passing day. Incidentally, I have similar books of the other hosts as well. And if you ladies are interested in collecting all four of them, I'll discount the full set.

Girl 2 - I'll take them!

Girl 1 - Me too, please!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Well, now we know how the club makes extra money.

Hikaru - But I have to wonder,

Kaoru - When did he take pictures of us?

Haruhi - {Should I say something to him?}

Everyone - .........................

Mori - Mitsukuni...you over did it.

Haruhi - {He told him.}

Honey - *starts to cry*

Girl 1 - Honey, I'll take it! It looks so yummy! *gulp gulp*

Girl 2 - It's just the right amount for both of us. Any more would be too much. How did you know? You never cease to amaze us.

Honey - *smile* Really?

Haruhi - *sigh*

Haruhi - *deep breath*

Tamaki - Haruhi.

Haruhi - Huh?

Tamaki - How are you doing? Are you having a good time?

Haruhi - Tamaki-Senpai...

Tamaki - The flower-viewing reception is going over quite well. But even so, it's rather daunting to spend more time being admired than doing the admiring.

Haruhi - Oh, wow, Senpai. You're blooming in more ways than one.

Tamaki - You noticed! Yes, today, my beauty is quite splendorous. I'm in full bloom. I bet you'll fall for me soon.

Haruhi - {I swear, this guy must live his life completely unaware of the hardships of this world.}

Hikaru and Kaoru - So Haruhi, have you decided your elective courses for this term?

Kaoru - How about Conversational French?

Haruhi - I don't know...

Hikaru - I think the three of us should take it together. It makes perfect sense.

Hikaru and Kaoru - We are in the same class.

Tamaki - *sulks by tree* Say, Mommy dear...

Kyoya - What is it now, Daddy?

Tamaki - I have a new theory. I mean, it's just my hypothesis, but it seems that by being in the same class, Hikaru and Kaoru are able to spend more time with Haruhi than I get to here at the club. This gives them the chance to get close to her, and if that happens,

Kyoya - Tamaki, you just now realized that?


Kyoya - According to my research, in a single day, the twins spend roughly nine hours of class time with Haruhi. Meanwhile, your contact with her is limited to a couple of hours of club activities. In other words, your involvement in Haruhi's life each day amounts to no more than a mere three percent-

Tamaki - Aah! I don't wanna hear it! I don't wanna hear it! *grabs Haruhi* Listen, Haruhi! I want you to stop hanging out with those shady twins from now on!

Hikaru - Who you calling shady?

Kaoru - Yeah. Take a look at yourself, boss!

Tamaki - *gasp* Yes...that's it...Alright then! We can't go on hiding the fact that you're a girl from everyone in the school any longer! All Daddy wants is for you to go back to the girl you used to be, when you surrounded yourself with girlfriends and started living a wholesome life!

Haruhi - Who are you calling Daddy?

Tamaki - So do it! Change back now! Change back now!

Hikaru - You don't have to rush things. She's going to be found out soon enough.

Kaoru - Physical exams are the day after tomorrow.

Haruhi - Physical...exams?

Kyoya - That's right. I forgot all about it.

Haruhi - Then that means...there's no doubt...they're gonna know...I'm really a girl.

Everyone - GAH!

Title- Beware The Physical Exam!*

Tamaki - Haruhi! *Haruhi's in the girls school uniform* HAHAHA! Been waiting long? What's the matter? You look a little down.

Haruhi - I can't help it. Everyone keeps staring at me for some reason. I'm so embarrassed.

Tamaki - *holds Haruhi in his arms* They're looking at you because you are lovely. Don't you worry, I promise that I will protect you no matter what.

Haruhi - Oh, Senpai...That makes me feel better. Thank you. I mean it.

  • Tamaki opes his eyes and we find out it's just a day dream*

(In Tamaki's mind)

Haruhi - I'm in love-love with you, Tamaki-Senpai.

Tamaki - HAHAHAH! Oh, you!

(back to reality)

Honey - He must be having a great day dream.

Hikaru - He's kind of creeping me out.

Tamaki - Envious, Hikaru? This is all part of my strategy. While you boys did your time blinded by your jealousy, I foresee the outcome of this charade. Aah. This anime is obviously a romantic school comedy. Haruhi and I are the main characters. So that means we are love interests.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Yeah, then what are we?

Tamaki - You boys, are the homosexual supporting cast. *draws magic line with stick* So please make sure that you don't step across this line.

Hikaru and Kaoru - You've gotta be kidding.

Hikaru - Hey, listen boss.

Kaoru - I don't think you get it.

Honey - If word gets out that Haru-Chan is really a girl, then she won't be able to be in the Host Club anymore.

Tamaki - Gah....

Honey - But if Haru-Chan started wearing girls clothes, I bet she'd be even cuter than she is now.

Hikaru - She dressed like a normal girl when she was in middle school right? She must have been pretty popular with all the boys.

Kyoya - Yeah. According to my investigated reports, someone would declare their undying love to her at least once a month.

Kaoru - Oh, I see. So the boss wouldn't even be able to get close to her.

Hikaru - But we could because we're in class with her all day long.

Tamaki - No way...

Haruhi - *opens door* Hey, guys. Sorry I'm so late.

Tamaki - *grabs Haruhi* Don't you worry Haruhi. We're determined to keep your secret. No one will find out you're really a girl during tomorrow's physical exams. So please, promise that you will stay our beloved secret Princess!

Haruhi - Sure.

Hikaru - You know what, I think both of us would be a little peeved if we had to watch all the guys flirt with her.

Kaoru - Then that settles it.

Tamaki - Listen up, squad members! At tomorrow's physical exams, position yourselves in A, and then wait for your orders.

Honey - Oh...

Hikaru and Kaoru - Yes, sir!

Haruhi - I've got it. You guys are worried because if they find out I'm a girl, I can't be a host and therefore can't repay my debt. My balance is 5,333,332 yen. Well, guess I'll have to find another way to pay you back. HEHAHAHAHA!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Do something! The subject doesn't appear to have any motivation!

Tamaki - Grr...Why'd we get stuck with such a difficult heroine. Are you saying that you hate being a host!? That you hate this club!?

Haruhi - To be honest, I'd have to say yes.

Tamaki - GAH! *sulks in corner*

Haruhi - I mean, you guys aren't bad, but if it gets out that I'm a girl, there's nothing I can do, ya know?

Hikaru - She doesn't seem to care one way or the other.

Kaoru - Well, before we do anything else, we have to find out a way to motivate her.

Mori - Fancy tuna...

Haruhi - *gasp*

Tamaki - Oh, that's right...You didn't get the chance to eat during last episode's party, did you?

Hikaru - Did you hear that? She's never eaten fancy tuna before. Isn't that awful?

Kaoru - Wow. Talk about a difficult childhood.

Honey - If only Haru-Chan could stay in the host club, she'd have the chance to eat all kinds of yummy things whenever she wants.

Haruhi - What are you talking about? Don't be silly. Just 'cause I'm poor and I've never had it, doesn't mean that I'm so much of a glutton that I'd go on fooling everyone about my gender just to try some fancy tuna. HEHEHEHEHE. Am I really gonna get to try it?

Everyone - HAHA! *smile*

PA system - We will begin conducting physical examinations shortly. All students, please proceed to the clinic in your respective school building.

Haruhi - So, what's the deal with of this formation A thing you guys were talking about? What do they do during physical exams here at Ouran anyway?

Hikaru - It's no different than a physical exam you'd get at any other school.

Kaoru - Yeah. Why would a physical exam be any different for us just because we're rich?

Haruhi - Huh. You're right. I didn't think about it that way.

  • opens door*

Doctors and Nurses - Welcome, students!

Haruhi - Uh...W-What...What is all this?

Hikaru - Just another physical exam.

Kaoru - The usual.

Haruhi - The usual?

Nurse 1 - Excuse me, Hitachiin Brothers, please follow this way to have your height measured.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Sure thing.

Nurse 2 - Mr. Fujioka, I'm your nurse for the physical exams for this afternoon.

Haruhi - Okay.

Nurse 2 - Please, come this way.

Girl 1 - Why are Honey and Mori dressed as doctor's?

Girl 2 - I don't know.

Haruhi - Honey-Senpai! Mori-Senpai!

Honey and Mori - Shhh!

Haruhi - They're so obvious.

Kyoya - I've brought those two for backup just in case something happens.

Haruhi - But why are they in doctor disguises?

Kyoya - They're just helping to set the mood. disguises make our operation feel more like a real espionage mission.

Haruhi - Huh?

Doctor - Wow, Miss Shiramine, you've lost two whole kilograms since this time last year.

Nurses - Wow! *clapping*

Shiramine - That's so good to hear! I thought for sure I was heavier!

Doctor - Not at all. Keep it up and you'll be even healthier next year. Good work.

Haruhi - Don't you think it's weird, that these doctors are all so jovial and nice?

Kyoya - They're chosen by the schools chairman. This may be a school, but it's also a business. Therefore, he wants to keep the students happy. After all, most of the students that attend Ouran Academy, come from prominent families that have their own private doctors at home. So this is just a formality.

Haruhi - {These damn rich people...}

Dr. Yabu - *bumps into Kyoya* I-I'm terribly sorry.

Kyoya - No problem. ...Huh?

Nurse - Hitachiin brothers, would you please come with me, we are ready to do your chest measurements.

Girls - ^///^

Nurse - You can use the area behind this curtain to undress.

Hikaru - Doesn't matter to me.

Kaoru - We're not shy. Who needs a curtain?

  • fangirl screams*

Kyoya - See, Haruhi? A rather impressive turn out today. Physical exam day is quite popular with the ladies.

Haruhi - {What's wrong with the girls at this school?}

Hikaru - I won't allow it. It's just not fair. I won't let those doctors touch you, Kaoru.

Kaoru - Hm. What are you talking about? You don't seem to have a problem touching me when we play doctor at home. I can't get you to stop tickling me and toying with my body.

  • fangirls scream louder*

Honey - Come on, Haru-Chan, this way!

  • Honey and Mori shove Haruhi into the changing room and she lands within Tamaki's arms*

Tamaki - I've been waiting for you, my princess.

Haruhi - *falls to the ground* Tamaki-Senpai...

Tamaki - Heh. You're so cute when you're surprised.

Nurse - Mr. Fujioka, it's time for us to take your chest measurements. Once you finish disrobing, would you please come with me?

Tamaki - This is it. The inevitable moment has arrived. You just sit back here and wait Haruhi.

Haruhi - But what are you gonna do?

Tamaki - *puts finger on Haruhi's lips* Don't you worry. I'll protect you. I promise I'll protect you Haruhi.

Nurse - Mr. Fujioka, are you ready to be measured now?

Tamaki - Yes. *Tamaki comes out with a brown wig on and tries to pass off as Haruhi* I am Haruhi Fujioka.

Everyone - ...

Girl 1 - Wait, that's Tamaki.

Girl 2 - There's no denying it. That's defiantly Tamaki.

Girl 3 - Is he cosplaying as Haruhi?

Girl 4 - What's going on? Is he trying to be funny?

Hikaru and Kaoru - *laughter*

Hikaru - I can't believe he actually did it!

Kaoru - They recognized him! I told you they would see through it!

Tamaki - GAHWAH! *trows wig on ground and grabs Hikaru by the neck* You jerks! You said there was no way the girls would be able to tell it was me!

Hikaru - It's payback for calling us the homosexual supporting cast! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tamaki - (to Haruhi) I'm sorry. They figured it out.*smile*

  • Haruhi gives Tamaki the evil eye*


Haruhi - *sigh* {Just as I thought. Tamaki-Senpai lives in his own carefree little world.} *feels hand on her shoulder*

Kyoya - Haruhi, ready? I went ahead and set up a room for you. A special boy's clinic, and I have a doctor standing by sworn to secrecy.

Hikaru - It turns out the doctors here today, are all on staff at one of Kyoya-Senpai's family hospitals.

Kaoru - Would have been nice if he would have said something to us earlier.

Kyoya - I had to get my revenge too. I'm sorry. I just don't think I'm supporting cast. Homosexual or otherwise.

Girl 1 - Is there something wrong?

Girl 2 - Check it out. Tamaki's eroding away.

Girl 3 - Wow.

Tamaki - Haruhi is...angry with me...

  • knock, knock, knock*

Nurse - Come in.

  • door opens*

Nurse - Hello, Mr. Fujioka. I've been made aware of your situation. If wouldn't mind, please disrobe for me over there.

Haruhi - Sure.

Girl 1 - I'm telling the truth!

Honey, Kyoya and Mori - Hm?

Girl 1 - One of the doctors grabbed me by the shoulder, he was trying to make a pass at me! I've never been so terrified!

Girl 2 - Wow, how scary!

Girl 3 - Do you think it was a pervert.

Kyoya - I had a feeling this might happen.

Honey - What do you mean?

Kyoya - A bit earlier today, I saw a strange man, wearing a white lab coat, but clearly not one of our hospitals doctors, and I thought he was a little odd.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Shouldn't you have said something sooner!?

Kyoya - Well, it's no big deal. I'm sure the security guard will catch him.

Doctor - Tell me Miss, did you happen to notice where the pervert doctor was headed?

Girl 1 - Yes, Sir. He ran off to the special boy's clinic.

Hosts - GAH! HARUHI!

  • Haruhi starts taking off her shirt when she hears the curtain open and sees a strange person wearing a white lab coat*

Haruhi - Excuse me...

Yabu - *gasp* *puts hand over Haruhi's mouth* No! It's not what you think! Please just keep quiet!

Tamaki - Haruhi!

Yabu - *gasp*

Tamaki - Tama-Chan kick!

  • Tamaki kicks Yabu into the wall*

Hikaru and Kaoru - One...Good looks that attract the public eye.

Kyoya - Two...More wealth than you can imagine.

Mori - Three.. Chivalry that will never be able to overlook.

Honey - The hideous wickedness of this world.

  • Tamaki put his shirt on Haruhi*

Tamaki - That's what makes up the Ouran Host Club!

Host Club - We are here! Watch out!

Yabu - AH! Please don't hurt me! *bows* Spare me my life!

Haruhi - Uh...

"Suddenly, it's his life story."

Yabu - I'm a doctor. I have a small emergency medical clinic that I run in the next town over. My name is Yabu.

Hikaru - Did he say his name is Yabu?

Kaoru - That's crazy. What a terrible name for a doctor.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Unless you're quack.

Yabu - I know. I'm here because I was hoping to see my daughter. My wife left me last month and took my daughter with her. But I know that she attends school here.

Haruhi - I don't mean to pry or anything, but why did your wife and daughter leave you?

Yabu - Well, you see, (quoting wife) I'm sick of this! You let someone give you and IOU again! You promised us you wouldn't do that anymore! (himself) Don't worry dear. I know this guys good for us. You can trust him. Everything will be alright. (quoting daughter) I can't take this anymore! Dad, you never think of the welfare of our family! (wife) I'm going home to mother! (himself) No! Please! Wait! (back to the present) And that was it. They left me, forever. I know I'm terrible at managing our money, and I can't say no to anybody. I don't blame them for being tired of constantly living in debt.

Tamaki - *crying at the touching story*

Yabu - But I wanted to see my daughter one more time, so I cam here. After being pelted by rain and wandering the streets, I finally made it to your school. Once I entered I was mistaken for a doctor here to examine students.

Hikaru - Well, of course. You're wearing a lab coat.

Kaoru - Anyone would mistake you.

Yabu - And then it happened. Excuse me Miss, I'm looking for my daugh-

Girl - AAHH!

Yabu - When I tried to ask her about my daughter, the girl started screaming! And before I knew it, there were all kinds of people chasing me!

Tamaki - That's so tragic!

Kyoya - Dr. Yabu, I think you may have the wrong place. Are you looking for Ouran Public High School?

Yabu - Yeah. That's right.

Kyoya - I figure that might be the case. This is Ouran Academy. A private institution. Your daughter doesn't go to school here.

Yabu - GAH!

Hikaru - Man, that's pretty sad. You don't even know what school your daughter goes to?

Kaoru - I bet your relationship is messed up because you don't pay attention to her. Not because of some stupid debt.

Honey - Wow Kyo-Chan! I'm impressed that you figured out he had the wrong school.

Kyoya - Well, there's no way the daughter of such a small time doctor, would ever be able to get into Ouran Academy.

Haruhi - Hm.

Tamaki - Kyoya, would you please find a map of all the public school's in this area? I'd like to help this man find his daughter.

Kyoya and Haruhi - Huh?

Kyoya - Whatever you say.

Hikaru - Are you sure about this?

Kaoru - After all, even if he does manage to find his daughter, there's no guarantee she'll want to speak to him.

Tamaki - Well then, that's something he'll have to find out for himself.

Haruhi - *gasp* ................................................................I'm sorry about this you guys, but could you please leave?

Everyone - GAH!

Tamaki - Haruhi, are you still angry with me? You're not thinking of quitting the Host Club are you?

Haruhi - HAHA. Don't be stupid Senpai. I've just got to finish my physical exam. As a male student of course. Oh, but let me explain, I'm not doing this because you're bribing me with food.*smile* I'm doing it to pay off my debt.

Tamaki - *gasp* *blush* You're so cute Haruhi! *glomps Haruhi* I can see right through you! You know you're just after that fancy tuna! But it's so cute-

Haruhi - Cut it out, Senpai! Ah, hey don't touch me there!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Red card!

Hikaru - Looks like Tamaki-Senpai

Kaoru - is a real pervert.

Haruhi - Who cares! Would you guys just get out of here!

Episode 4 - Attack Of The Lady Manager![edit]

  • buttons sounds*

Miyabi - I love you, and you're all I can think about, my darling. Let's spend the rest of our lives together, just the two of us.

Renge - Yes, Miyabi. I'm so happy.

  • knock knock*

Servant - Excuse me, Miss. The Master has returned home. Miss?

  • door opens*

Renge's Father - Renge...ah...You certainly love those video games, don't you?

Renge - Is that so wrong?

Renge's Father - No, not at all. I'm your father, and I want you to feel free to live your life however you please. You know that I'll let you do anything you like. I've always promised you that freedom.

Renge - Yeah.

Renge - Did your business trip in Japan go well?

Renge's Father - I think so. I had a lovely dinner meeting at one of my clients when I was there. I made sure to get a photo. Take a look.

  • Renge takes the photo and gasps at the sight of it*

Renge's Father - They have a boy in high school who's about the same age as you.

Renge - He's the one...*the picture shows Kyoya*

Range's Father - Huh?

Renge - I'm going to marry the boy in this photo!

Renge's Father - GAH!

Renge - Don't forget! You promised me I could do whatever I want, Father!

Renge's Father - Uh-But Renge...

Renge - I'm coming for you, my prince charming. *squee*

  • private jet takes off*

Renge's Father - Oh! Renge! RENGE!!

Girl 1 - Oh Tamaki...My dearest Tamaki, why are you so beautiful?

Tamaki - I'm hoping to catch your eye. Even for just one second.

Girl 2 - Then why is your voice so sweet and mellow?

Tamaki - To set your nerves at ease, so that my true feelings may reach your heart.

Girl 3 - Why are your eyes filled with tears every time you look at me?

Tamaki - Because the sight of your beautiful smile, causes the fountain inside me to start overflowing.

Girls - Oh Tamaki...

Girl 1 - I think it's adorable that you're wearing matching kimonos.

Hikaru - Our mother designed everything the hosts are wearing today. If you see something you like, we can take an order for you.

Kaoru - Our grandmother even helped us put them on.

Hikaru - But you know the only one who will be undressing you is me, Kaoru.

Kaoru - Hikaru...You're embarrassing me in front of everybody.

Girls - Oh! What a tender embrase!

Haruhi - They're up to that nonsense again.

Girl 1 - Haruhi, you look so cute in your kimono.

Girl 2 - Almost like a girl.

Haruhi - Thanks.

Kyoya - Haruhi, you booked another appointment. It seems you've had a pretty steady flow of new customers lately. Keep up the good work. I'm not going to charge you interest on your debt like I normally would, so keep this up and should be able to pay it off. *smiles* Although the rental fee on the kimono you're wearing is nothing to sneeze at.

Haruhi - He's like some kind of heartless tax collector.

Girl 1 - Hello, Kyoya.

Girl 2 - I can't get over how great you look in that kimono. Are you planning to release any more picture books of the Host Club?

Kyoya - Unfortunately, we don't have anything planned at present, ladies.

Hikaru - But, doesn't the club make a lot of money...

Kaoru - from the sale of promotional items?

Kyoya - That's true, but the items are poor quality. Those picture books were filled with nothing but amateur hidden camera shots. However, if we want to create some higher quality money making products, I'm afraid we will have to draw money from the school's budget.

Haruhi - {If it wasn't for Kyoya, the Host Club would spiral into the depths of bankruptcy.}

Honey - Haru-Chan, Haru-Chan...I don't know how but I lost one of my sandals. *starts crying*

Haruhi - But you were just wearing them, weren't you?

Mori - Mitsukuni... *puts sandal on Honey*

Honey - Takashi...

Mori - I noticed you dropped it.

Honey - *glomps Mori* Takashi!

Girl 1 - How sweet.

Girl 2 - Isn't it, though?

Haruhi - Looks like tears are popular with the ladies today. But how are they all able to cry so easily?

  • Haruhi bumps into Kaoru and eye drops fall out of his sleeve*

Haruhi - What's this?

Kaoru - For your information, it's common for a host to use eye drops.

Hikaru - No woman alive can resist a man on the brink of tears.

Haruhi - That's cheating.

Hikaru - Oh, don't be such a party pooper!

Kaoru - Here, Haruhi. *hands her dessert* This is for you.

Haruhi - It's for me?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Aren't you the cutest?

Girl 1 - I didn't know you liked sweets Haruhi.

Haruhi - Well, to be honest with you, I don't really. But you know, I think it would be a nice memorial offering to my mother.

Girls - Oh...

Tamaki - How admirable of you! Such devotion to your mother's memory. *gives more desserts* Please Haruhi, take as many of these as you like.

Haruhi - Let me guess, the tears are fake.

Tamaki - How could you! My tears are always genuine, Haruhi. Being able to cry without the use of eye drops is the mark of a true host. Tell me, do I impress you? Have you fallen for me yet?

Haruhi - You wish.

Tamaki - My romantic overtures don't seem to be reaching you for some reason. Perhaps I should add a little more pin-ash to my character.

  • sees Renge*

Hikaru and Kaoru - Looks like the Host Club has a brand-new guest. Ah.

Kaoru - *offers rose* Come on in. What are you waiting for?

Hikaru - Watching from afar is no fun. *offers rose*

Hikaru and Kaoru - Please, Miss.

Renge - Umm..

Tamaki - Stop that. How many times do I have to tell you boys to be more courteous to our first-time guests. Please, you don't have to be afraid, my princess. I welcome you , to the Ouran Host Club. Yes?

  • Renge shoves Tamaki*

Tamaki - GAH!

Renge - No! Don't touch me, you phony!

Hoat Club - *gasp*

Tamaki - What do you mean, phony?

Renge - Just what I said! Phony! I find it hard to believe that someone like you is the prince character of this host club! You shouldn't go spreading your love around so easily like that you stupid! You must be a dim-witted narcissist! You're incompetent! You're a commoner! You're disgusting!

Tamaki - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAH!!! *falls in slow motion*

Hikaru - *gasp* He has created a new technique!

Kaoru - One-man slow-motion!

Kyoya - I don't suppose you are...

Renge - *gasp* It's you! Kyoya! *jumps on Tamaki* Oh how I longed to meet you! My one and only prince charming!

Hikaru - Your fiancée?

Kaoru - Kyoya-Senpai?

Renge - Of course. My name is Renge Hoshakuji, and I'm transferring into Ouran Academy's First Year, Class A tomorrow.

  • Tamaki sulks in corner*

Hikaru - Why is he sulking?

Kaoru - Because Mommy was keeping a secret from Daddy.

Kyoya - Whatever. Why does everyone keep referring to us like we're husband and wife?

Renge - Oh, it's a story of love at first sight. I couldn't resist the way you were adoring those flowers in the back yard when you thought no one else was looking...and how sweet it was when you reached out to that poor little injured kitten..

Hikaru and Kaoru - Is she serious?

Haruhi - Could you have the wrong person?

Range - No way! I could recognize my love anywhere!

  • everyone starts freaking out*

Range - He's a gentle man who is kind to everyone, but doesn't ask for anything in return! He likes solitude but in fact sometimes he gets lonely! He looks like the star of the popular dating sim, Uki-doki Memorial! You're my real life Ichijo Miyabi!

Everyone - Huh?

Haruhi - Uki...

Honey - Doki..

Tamaki - Otaku!

Hikaru - Otaku!?

Mori - ...?

Kaoru - I've never seen one!

Kyoya - I get it now. You're in love with that character. You're projecting that on to me, and somehow deluded yourself into thinking we're engaged. I assume this Miyabi character probably wear glasses as well.

Tamaki - So, she..made it up? Your not really her fiancée, right?

Kyoya - Well, no. I don't remember ever asking for her hand in marriage. Besides, this is the first time I ever met the woman.

Everyone - *gasp* Whew...

Renge - According to my research, I understand that you're in charge of managing the club, is that true, Kyoya?

Honey - That's right! Kyo-Chan is our director!

Renge - You're the club's director? That's perfect! Oh, wow! I've always wanted to wear a sandwich board to advertise a business!

Hikaru and Kaoru - We don't advertise. We're just a host club.

Renge - I've made up my mind. From now on, I'm going to be the manager of this host club.

Hikaru and Kaoru - *sigh*

Tamaki - Uh, listen Kyoya...

Kyoya - Miss Hoshakuji is the only daughter of a very important Otori family client. So please be polite, and try not to offend her, alright?

Tamaki - Ngh....

Renge - Well boys, I can't wait to work with you! *smile*

Tamaki - I thought about it a lot last night, and maybe having a lady manager, isn't such a bad idea.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Why do you say that?

Tamaki - Well it's fairly obvious, isn't it? Renge just transferred into the same class as Haruhi. So if Haruhi has a girlfriend around, it could bring out the female within her. Renge's girlish air of tenderness might be able to stimulate Haruhi's own sense of femininity.

Haruhi - Good grief...

Tamaki - Now is our chance to help Haruhi get in touch with her feminine side. This is an important project, men! She doesn't have any friends in class right now, except for these two shady twins! That's no good for her.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Like you have room to talk.

Renge - Hey, everyone! You'll be happy to know, that your new manager Renge, has baked all of you some cookies!

Tamaki - Oh...Isn't she ladylike!? I'm so moved by your generosity!

Range - I didn't bake these cookies for you, you phony prince.

  • Tamaki sulks in corner*

Renge - I'm sorry, I burnt them a little bit. I did the best I could. And I already know what you're going to say...

Miyabi - Anything you make for me is going to taste delicious, my dear.

Renge - Oh, you're always so sweet to me, Kyoya...

Honey - She wasn't kidding. These cookies really are burnt.

Mori - Don't eat that Mitsukuni. It's bad for you.

Renge - Uh...(turns into madusa) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Honey - WWWWWAAAAAHHHH! She's scaring me! AAAAAAHHHHH!

Haruhi - *tastes cookie* They're not that bad at all. They got a good flavor to them.

  • lightbulb appears over the twins heads*

Hikaru - May I try? *takes bite of cookie FROM Haruhi's mouth*

Tamaki - *gasp*

Kaoru - Uh-oh, Haruhi. You've got crumbs on your face. *licks crumbs off of Haruhi's cheek*

Tamaki - *gasp, gasp, gasp,* Did you see what they just did!? He a bite of the cookie--

Kyoya - And suddenly the trio of classmates are closer than they've ever been before.

Haruhi - *looks at Kaoru* You know you could have just told me, and I would've wiped it off. *looks at Hikaru* And if you wanted to try one there's plenty here.

Tamaki - !! *grabs Haruhi's face* That's not the way you're supposed to react, Haruhi!! You have to stay strong, and reject them, then casually brush them to the side!! Do you understand!?

Haruhi - This is sexual harassment, Senpai.

Tamaki - Sexual harassment!? If that counts as sexual harassment, then they're twice as guilty!! Someone call the police!!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Cut it out, boss. We're sorry.

Honey - Renge-Chan! Renge-Chan! Want some? It's milk.

Renge - Lukewarm.

Honey - Huh?

Renge - Every single one of you! Except for Kyoya, all of your characters are lukewarm! Each one of you has to have some sort of "dark" side! You understand? Girls are vulnerable to handsome young men who are troubled. If you keep carrying on like this, it'll only be a matter of time for the girls to get tired of you and stop coming all together! Are you trying to ruin my precious Kyoya's business!? As your manager, it is my duty to change your character backgrounds! Lets start with you!

Honey - AAHH!

Renge - If all you are is cute, inside and out, then you're no different than a baby! Therefor, from now on, you are the baby face thug!

Honey - AAHH!

Renge - And Mori-Senpai, your his childhood friend, the flunkie! The twins will be basketball players, enslaved in their own world! Haruhi, you're an honors student who constantly being bullied! And as for you Tamaki, you're the school idol, who's admired for your good looks, but you actually have an inferiority complex you're hiding from the world. The lonely prince.

Tamaki - *gasp*

Renge - And Kyoya, you're perfect just the way you are now. so I want you to stay as kind and effectionate as possible, okay?

Kyoya - Thank you, I'm honored.

Tamaki - The lonely prince. It's true. That title is perfect for me.

Haruhi - Yeah, right. She couldn't be farther from the truth.

Hikaru - C'mon Kyoya-Senpai!

Kaoru - You've got to do something.

Kyoya - Why? It seems like the boss is up for it.

Tamaki - How does this look Renge? Do you think these poses work, for a lonely prince?

Renge - Oh wow. You're pretty good at that Tamaki. But you know it would be more effective if you were standing in the rain.

Hikaru, Haruhi, and Kaoru - Ugh...

Kyoya - Lets just wait and see how things turn out. I bet it'll be interesting. It always is.

  • Girls screaming*

Hikaru makes a basket and the screaming gets louder. Then the whistle blows and Hikaru sees Kaoru on the ground injured.

Man 1 - Get a stretcher! Take him to the infirmary immediately!

Hikaru - Kaoru...Kaoru! Kaoru!

Man 2 - You go to get back in the game Hikaru. We need you.

Hikaru - Shut up!

Kaoru - Hikaru...Listen to me...Please don't worry. There's nothing you can do. You can't share my pain. You're not the one who got hurt. Now, go on.

Hikaru - *starts to cry and grabs Kaoru's hand* I can't! It hurts! It hurts Kaoru!

Renge - Your pain is my pain. It doesn't matter to me if no one else understands. As long as we have each other, we can go on living.

Tamaki - I'm sorry. But I'm envious.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Huh?

Tamaki - They way you two support each other like that.

Hikaru - But Suoh-Senpai...

Kaoru - How can you be envious of us? You're the schools idol.

Tamaki - An idol. Right...*sigh* I hate that people all worship me for something so superficial as my appearance. I think it will be much better for me to be alone.

Renge - One lonely heart meets another. They pass each other. Wanting one another. What are the hearts of these young men made out of?

Honey - You can't run away forever.

Haruhi - *gasp*

Honey - I'm gonna show you what happens to anyone that crosses me.

Mori - Don't do it Mitsukuni. You should have realized by now that whenever you hurt others, you're really just hurting yourself.

Honey - I didn't ask you for any advice. You want me to put you over my knee again?

Renge - Will it be the light of salvation that ultimately awaits these boys, or will it be something else?

Honey - You know, it really pisses me off when people don't know their place. *starts to cry* AAAAHHH!! *jumps into Haruhi's arms* I'm so sorry Haru-Chan! I can't do this anymore!

Renge - Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! What wrong with you!? You got to stick to the script!

Honey - But I can't!

Renge - Stop rolling cameraman!

Cameraman - Yes boss.

Renge - I want the rain to make things seem tragic!

Hikaru - How'd they go from changing our character to shooting a movie about them?

Haruhi - And why is there an entire film crew here to shoot it?

Kyoya - Apparently she flew them in from Hollywood. Don't you recognize the director? He directed the vampire movie, "Millennial Snow". It was the number-one box-office hit in America last year.

Haruhi - {Damn these rich people...}

Hikaru - And another thing. How come this stupid script portrays Kaoru as the pitcher?

Kaoru - Yeah.

Haruhi - What does that mean?

Hikaru and Kaoru - If you don't know then never mind.

Haruhi - Pitcher?

Tamaki - Haruhi! So how was I? Did you like my performance?

Haruhi - *hands Tamaki a towel* It was pretty awesome. I'm surprised you were able to get into your character like that. You were really believable.

Tamaki - I've discovered a new darker side of myself. I'm starting to think it might be a good idea to explore it.

Haruhi - Are you sure about that?

Tamaki - Huh?

Haruhi - Because I think you're fine just the way you are now, Senpai.

Tamaki - *blush* You do? Well, if you say so Haruhi...

Haruhi - {If he gets in touch with his darker side, he'll be that much more trouble.}

Renge - Hey Haruhi! You're on!

Haruhi - Coming!

Renge - Over here! These two gentlemen have just agreed to make a special appearance in our film.

Guy 1 - In your film?

Guy 2 - What are you talking about?

Renge - After all, we're gonna need some tuff guys for the big climax! That's when all of the club members come together to fight against the real villains at their school. According to the script, these two are from a wealthy family and got their wealth by being part of the Japanese mafia. Don't you think thats a brilliant casting choice!?

Guy 1 - What's with this girl!?

Guy 2 - Whatever my dad does has nothing to do with me!

Haruhi - Wait a minute, Renge...

Renge - Just come over here and wait for your que--

Guy 1 - Hey! You think you can push me around!? You don't even know me! *pushes Renge*

Renge - AAHH!!

Haruhi - Watch out!

  • Haruhi caught Renge and got hurt*

Renge - *gasp* Are you okay, Haruhi!?

Haruhi - That guy was right, Renge. You can't do that. If you judge people by their appearance, you're stereotyping them, and you'll never see the person inside.

Renge - Oh, I don't understand what you're trying to say.

Tamaki - What happened, Haruhi? *gasp* *sees Haruhi crying* So which one of you jerks started this?

Guy 2 - Wait Suoh! It's not what you think! That girl started it! She was giving us a hard time!

Haruhi - He's telling the truth, Senpai. It wasn't their fault. They were provoked.

Guy 1 & 2 - *runs away* Lets get out of here!

  • Tamaki walks over to Haruhi and puts his hands on Haruhi's face*

Tamaki - Haruhi...Are you in any pain?

Haruhi - Yeah. It's my contact.

Tamaki - !!! Your contact...

Haruhi - Yeah. I guess it must have slid out.

Tamaki - Hehehehahahahahaha. I see how it is. You're able to cry without using eye drops. So you're a full fledged host now!

Haruhi - *smile*

Renge - You..You...Please tell me you got that cameraman!

Cameraman - Yes boss!

Renge - Other than Haruhi's contact falling out, that was an ideal final scene! All it needs now is a moving narration by my sweet Kyoya!

  • Kyoya uses a rock and breaks the camera lens*

Everyone - *gasp*

Cameraman - No! What'd you do to my camera!?

Renge - What? Is something wrong?

Kyoya - I'm terribly sorry but I cannot allow there to be any record of a club member engaging in violence. I think you've caused enough trouble around here, Renge. Please stop being such a pest.

Renge - A pest...*starts to cry* But you're supposed to pat me on the head and tell me not to worry! You're supposed to be kind and affectionate, Kyoya! Why are you acting so differently now? Tell me why!

Tamaki - Because that's not the real Kyoya.

Renge - *gasps and starts crying even more*

Haruhi - Does it really matter? Who cares if Kyoya is a little different than you expected him to be. Take a good look at the person inside and get to know him little by little. It's a lot more fun that way. *smile*

Miyabi - Long time no see Renge. Why are you so down? C'mon please smile for me. Today is going to be a beautiful day. After all, today you learned a very important lesson that will help you live happily ever after, and I'm so glad that you finally understand. I think you're ready to move on to the next level Renge.

Tamaki - Hello ladies. Come on in.

Girl 1 - I bought that video of the film you made!

Girl 2 - I bought it too!

Girl 3 - And so did I!

Hosts - Huh?

Tamaki - You did?

Girl 1 - That scene in the rain was just phemoninal!

Girl 2 - I love the lonely prince!

Girl 3 - The loving relationship between Hikaru and Kaoru was just so sweet!

  • fangirling begins*

Girl 4 - I want to see Honey act like a thug again!

Girl 5 - I couldn't get enough of Haruhi's poignant expressions!

Tamaki - *snaps* Kyoya...

Kyoya - I may have broken the cameras lens, but the footage that we already shot wasn't damaged. But naturally I did cut out that one violent scene. Sales have been pretty good so far. That Hollywood film crew did a fantastic job. Bu then I guess that's to be expected.

Hikaru and Kaoru - So is this what you meant be interesting?

Kyoya - It's best to have as much money as we can in the club budget.

Haruhi - {And just when did he start calculating all of this?}

Renge - Good day, everyone.

Tamaki - Renge? But I thought you had gone home to France already.

Renge - I can't believe I didn't realize this sooner. It's so chivalrous for you to risk your life to protect me. I can feel the love when you lectured me about judging people. *garbs Haruhi's hand* When you said it was fun to get to know people little by little you were talking about me.

Tamaki - GAH!

Haruhi - Yeah.

Renge - C'mon Haruhi! Lets go to my house and play some games together!

Haruhi - Uh...

Renge - I think it's time you got to know me better.

Haruhi - What!?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Hey!

Hiakru - Kyoya-Senpai!

Kaoru - You okay with that?

Kyoya - Why wouldn't I be? Everything Renge said was true.

Tamaki - No it isn't!!

Kyoya - But I thought you were the one who wanted her to have a female friend in the first place.

Tamaki - Well yeah! A female companion! Not a girlfriend!

Renge - C'mon Haruhi! Lets go play together!

Tamaki - Wait! Don't take Haruhi from me!!

Episode 5 - The Twins Fight![edit]

Kaoru - Do you remember the first time we played that game? It was so long ago.

Young girl - Hey, do you want to build a snowman with me?

Young Hikaru - Which one of us are you talking to?

Young girl - To both of you, silly.

Young Kaoru - There is no one here named both of you.

Young Girl - Okay, then I'm talking to Hikaru and Kaoru.

Young Hikaru and Kaoru - Oh really. Which one of us is Hikaru and which one of us is Kaoru? Can you tell?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Lets all play "Which on of us is Hikaru" game!

Girls - *laughter*

Hikaru and Kaoru - So, can you tell which one of us is Hikaru?

Girl 1 - Well, it's hard to say...

Girl 2 - You're identical!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Many ladies have tried to tell us apart, but so far none have succeeded.

Haruhi - That's the dumbest game I've ever heard of.

Hikaru and Kaoru - What? Do you have a problem with it, Haruhi?

Haruhi - Not really. I just don't understand why the two of you are so popular.

Hikaru and Kaoru - That's not very nice.

Hikaru - I'm disappointed.

Kaoru - Apparently you don't understand the merits of having a pair of twins as members of the Host Club.

Hikaru - Listen up. Having a pair of good looking guys with homosexual tendencies earns the club high points.It also helps if the two struggle between their attraction and their friendship.

Kaoru - And in our case, because we're twins, our relationship is taboo. and therefore more intriguing.

Hikaru - *holds a girls chin* And besides, who hasn't fantasied about twins. Having two loves is better than one, right?

Kaoru - *holds the same girls chin* It's a young woman's romantic fantasy.

Girl - Well....um..yeah...you're right. *squee* I can't take it!

  • fangirls screaming*

Tamaki - Hikaru! Kaoru!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Hm?

Tamaki - When I gave you control of the club's website, I did so on one condition! To take it seriously!

Hikaru - We take our job very seriously, boss.

Kaoru - In fact, last night, we worked on it 'till dawn.

Tamaki - Is this what you worked so hard to create!?

  • shows naked picture of Haruhi (only top half)*

Haruhi - Uhg...

Honey - You look great, Haru-Chan!

  • The girls are fan-girling over the picture*

Tamaki - Tell me when!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Huh?

Tamaki - When did you take naked pictures of Haruhi!?

~In Tamaki's mind~

Hikaru - Yes, that pose is perfect.

Kaoru - And you expression beautiful.

Hikaru - Once we're done with this shoot,

Kaoru - we'll let you have all the fancy tuna you want.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Fancy tuna...as much as you want...

~In reality~

Tamaki - You bribed her, didn't you?

Hikaru and Kaoru - You're imagining things.

Kaoru - It's obvious that photos been altered.

Tamaki - It was photoshopped?

Hikaru - We did a pretty good job, huh?

Kaoru - We got some major photoshop talent.

Tamaki - You idiots! That's a waste of your skills! Have you no shame!? But if your going to do it anyway, can you photoshop her into this idol photo book?

Hikaru - Don't be ridiculous, boss. Why don't you just,

Kaoru - Ask her if she'd wear an outfit like one of those?

Tamaki - *gasp* I never thought to ask her...What do you think about this my dear?

Honey - What are you doing with that dress?

Girl 1 - He looks so handsome.

Girl 2 - Yeah, he does. But I have to agree with Tamaki. I'd love to see what Haruhi would look like if he dressed like a girl.

Girl 3 - Oh, he's so cute I think he'll look great no matter what you put him in.

Haruhi - *sigh*

  • Haruhi glares at Tamaki and scares him off*

Haruhi - *looks at the twins* Now cut it out. No more making weird pictures of me, got it? Just what do you guys take me for anyway?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Hm. Isn't that obvious? You're our toy.

Hikaru - As we were saying, in order to entertain oneself in this otherwise boring life,

Kaoru - One must find himself stimulating toys.

Haruhi - I am not your toy, okay!!

Nekozawa - You want a toy....Toys....Toys...If you like toys than you should come and visit my black magic club. We've opened a market place and have most black magic items across the world.

Tamaki - *gasp*

Nekozawa - We're also holding mass around the clock. If you visit right now, I'll even throw in a free curse doll. You can have Belzenef as your free gift.

Haruhi - Why is he talking to us through a crack in the door?

Hikaru and Kaoru - Wait a second, has that door always been there?

Kyoya - Nekozawa-Senpai likes to hide. He doesn't really care for brightly lit places.

Tamaki - Don't get involved with that guy, Haruhi.

Haruhi - Ah!

Tamaki - If you do, you'll end up being cursed.

Haruhi - Do you have any basis for that?

Tamaki - Yes. It happened during final exams at the end of the last school year...Ah, it terrifying just to talk about it.


Girl 1 - Good morning, Tamaki!

Tamaki - Good morning! *steps on Belzenef* Uh...(Narrating) On that faithful day, I accidentally stepped on that weirdo Nekozawa's cursed doll, Belzenef...Afterward, I took my exam and the entire test was written in strange lettering. I looked to the other around me for help and realized I knew none of them!


Tamaki - I was all alone in a different dimension!

Honey - Scary!

Haruhi - Did that really happen to you?

Kyoya - That only happened because you were so scared you accidentally walked into the beginning Greek class and took their exam.

Tamaki - No! It was a curse! I know because three days later, I woke up and my legs were as heavy as lead! How do you explain that!?

Kyoya - Your legs were heavy because you had ran a marathon the day before. Remember?

Nekozawa - you shouldn't underestimate the dark powers of Belzenef the curse doll...All you have to do is write the name of the person you hate on his back, then that person is certain to come face to face with misfortune.

Hikaru - Wow. This guy really is dark, in more ways than one.

Kaoru - Supposedly he hates bright lights. I wonder what he'll think of this. *hold up flashlight*

  • Twins flash the flashlight at Nekozawa and Tamaki and they both start screaming. Then, Nekozawa runs back into the dark magic room, as he exclaims "You murderers!"*

Hikaru and Kaoru - Hm.

Tamaki - How on earth could you do such a thing? Obviously the two of you don't know the true terror of black magic! Gah!

Hikaru - I am so bored.

Kaoru - Isn't there anything fun we can do around here?

Tamaki - *sulks in corner* My dignity as the clubs leader...is being ignored...

Haruhi - Uh...

Hikaru and Kaoru - Hey, Haruhi! We've got a favor to ask you.

Haruhi - What is it?

Hikaru - The next time we get a day off...

Kaoru - Can we come over to your place to hang out?

Tamaki - Huh...

Haruhi - Why would you want to do that?

Hikaru and Kaoru - We're curious. We want to see where you live.

Haruhi - No way.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Aww. Pretty please?

Haruhi - No way. You guys are just gonna make fun of me.

Hikaru and Kaoru - No matter how much we beg you?

Haruhi - No way.

Tamaki - I too have been thinking that it's about time I pay my respects to our beloved Haruhi's family.

Haruhi - No way in hell Senpai.

Hikaru and Kaoru - We can settle this over a game. If you can't pick out which one of us is Hikaru, then your penalty will be the two of us coming over to your house later tonight.

  • the twins shuffle*

Hikaru and Kaoru - Okay, so which one of us is Hikaru?

Haruhi - *points left* This one is Kaoru, *points right* this one's Hikaru.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Uh oh. You got it wrong.

Haruhi - No, I know I'm right. You guys may look alike but you're very different.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Huh? *gasp*

Girl 1 - How did you do that Haruhi?

Girl 2 - Whenever they wear those hats to hide which way they part their hair, it's practically impossible to try and figure out which one is Hikaru and which one is Kaoru.

Girl 1 - How can you tell them apart?

Haruhi - Uh..Well, how do I put it...It's kind of difficult to explain. But Hikaru's speech and actions, make him come across more mischievous than Kaoru.

Kaoru - *starts to laugh* I'm sorry Hikaru. I don't mean to laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hikaru - Well, I don't see what's so funny. I'm honest, I speak my mind, and I don't hold back. It's sneaky people like Kaoru who are the trouble makers.

Kaoru - Don't turn this on me Hikaru. After all, I'm the one who's always going along, with your selfish games.

Hikaru - I may suggest them, but your the one who really gets into them, Kaoru. If you hate it so much, then why don't you just stop?

Kaoru - Because I'd hate to see you make an ass of yourself in front of everyone. It was your idea to call Haruhi our toy. But I noticed you were quick to make a pass at her. Admit it Hikaru, you're actually in love with Haruhi, aren't you?

Hikaru - *blush* AAHH!

Tamaki - What!?

Hikaru - You've got it all wrong Kaoru! Man, your such a freaking idiot!

Tamaki - Yeah! There are things in this world that should never be said!

Hikaru - Why would I fall her!? I mean, she looks like a tanuki!

Tamaki - How dare you call her a raccoon dog! You're gonna pay for that!

Renge - Awesome! This is just perfect!

  • motor activates and Renge appears on a platform coming from the floor*

Renge - Our beloved Haruhi is in the middle of a beautiful four pointed romantic relationship! But to make it even more exciting, two of Haruhi's admirers are twins, torn apart by love! Just the thought of it can make me eat three bowls of rice!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Butt out, Otaku.

Renge - *starts crying* You guys are meanies! You shouldn't say something like that to your manager!

Tamaki - But Renge, I thought you had feelings for Haruhi as well.

Renge - Oh, I do. But I have no problem with Haruhi having a homosexual relationship on the side.

Tamaki - Uh..

Haruhi - I'm confused. I thought you had decided to go back home to France, Renge.

Renge - Well, I was going to start up a host club of my own, but I don't think France is ready for a host club just yet.

Hikaru - Cut it out already! You're the one who's always crawling into my bed! Talk about annoying!

Kaoru - I only do that cause you look lonely! I wouldn't choose to sleep in your bed, you idiot!

Hikaru - Who are you calling an idiot!? You're the one who sucks at math!

Kaoru - Oh yeah? Well you're failing your foreign language class, you dummy!

Hikaru - Ugh! The way you grind your teeth is deafening-

Kaoru - Well at least I don't toss and turn so much that I fall out of bed!

Hikaru - Sex pixie!

Kaoru - Sicko!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Your mama wears too much makeup! That's it! We're over!

  • school bell rings*

Hikaru - Hey, Haruhi!

  • Hikaru comes in with Flamingo Pink hair*

Hikaru - Good morning!

Haruhi - Hikaru...What in the world happened to your hair? Why is it dyed pink?

Hikaru - Cause pink suits me. Don't you think it's cute? From now on I'm the pink haired twin. I didn't want to be mistaken for the Kaoru for the rest of my life, ya know?

  • Kaoru comes in with blue hair*

Kaoru - Good morning, Haruhi.

Haruhi - So, Kaoru's the blue twin?

Kaoru - I was finally able to sleep all by myself last night. But I ended up having a nightmare. I dreamt that my stylist had dyed my hair pink...It was so garish and ridiculous looking, I woke up screaming. HAHAHA.

Hikaru kicks Kaoru's chair causing him to fall. Kaoru then gets back at him by tilting Hikaru's chair so his head hit the window sill. Hikaru then stands up and the twins start throwing whatever they can find at each other.

Haruhi - *sigh*

~At lunch...~

  • school bells ring*

Hikaru and Kaoru - I'll have the A lunch. No! Give me the B pasta and the B salad! I'll take the F cappellini with the barbarie duck -- No, make it the foie gras in périgueux sauce! Stop copying me! Why don't you just leave me alone!?

Haruhi - Amazing. In perfect unison, even when fighting.

Tamaki - i was wondering what all the fuss was about. We can't believe the two of you are still fighting. You're a disgrace to the Host Club.

Guy 1 - Hey, look who it is.

Girl 1 - Oh, I love them.

Girl 2 - I've never seen them all together like that.

Honey - We've had enough of this. You're both to blame for this fight. Hika-Chan and Kao-Chan, I want you to make up and go halfsies of this cake! Kay? But I want to have a piece too, so I guess we're gonna have to go thirdsies. Oh, we're not gonna be able to split the strawberry on top though. What should we do? Maybe I should just take it. After all, strawberries are my favorite. Oh I forgot to ask, Hika-Chan, Kao-Chan, do you like strawberries?

Mori picks Honey up and walks away.

Mori - You're just making it worse. Leave them alone.

Tamaki - Oh, Haruhi! I didn't expect to run into you in the dining hall!

Haruhi - I was worried about those two, so I followed them here without even thinking. I always bring a box lunch, and I was just gonna eat it in my classroom.

Tamaki - {A boxed lunch?}

~In Tamaki's mind...~

Haruhi - Here darling, your box lunch. I hope you're not too embarrassed, but I had to make it into a heart shape for you. I love you.

~In reality..~

Tamaki - I don't care if my box lunch is in the shape of a heart! I will eat it!

Kyoya - I have no idea what you're talking about, but its evident that your fantasies are completely incoherent.

Hikaru - Haruhi, want to sit here with me?

Haruhi - Uh, okay.

Hikaru - So, what's that? What'd you bring for lunch?

Haruhi - Yesterday's leftovers, and a rolled omelet.

Hikaru - You want to switch with me? I had to order something different than Kaoru, so I ended up with stuff I didn't really like.

Haruhi - That's fine with me. *looks at food* {This is really magnificent. I've never tried anything like this before.} *takes bite of food*

Tamaki - *gasp*

Haruhi - Mmmm...

Tamaki - It's delicious, isn't it Haruhi? I'm so glad you like it. I want you to eat that every day. *gets more food* Well played, Hikaru. As a reward, I want to trade you my lunch for your box lunch.

Hikaru - No way.

Tamaki - C'mon trade with me.

Hikaru - Forget about it.

Kaoru sits on the other side of Haruhi*

Kaoru - So Haruhi, is that any good? How would you like to taste mine? Here. "Aah..."

Hikaru takes a bite of the food before Kaoru can feed it to Haruhi.

Hikaru - Quit butting in. Get lost Kaoru.

Kaoru throws food at Hikaru, and Hikaru uses Tamaki as a shield. The twins then start to throw food and whatever else they can find at each other. In the mix, they end up throwing Honey, and then Mori, and then Tamaki.

Haruhi - *grabs box lunch* I think I'm gonna go eat in my classroom after all.

Tamaki - *sigh*

Kyoya - Looking at the numbers, if this situation isn't resolved, I'm afraid we're gonna have to stop offering our brotherly love package. We're down one pair of loving brothers. Oh, Haruhi, I just want you to know there is no reason for you to feel responsible. Even though it was your tackless comment that started this whole feud between the twin in the first place. Right?

Haruhi - {Clearly, he blames me for this.}

Honey - It's weird for Hika-Chan and Kao-Chan to be fighting like this. It never happened before.

Haruhi - They've never fought before?

Honey - I've known Hika-Chan and Kao-Chan since we were in pre-school. We weren't in the same year, so I never got to talk to them. But I remember the two of them always played together.

Tamaki - Yeah, that's true. I mean, I've only known the twins since they were in middle school. Bu they defiantly stood out. It seemed like they kept everyone at a distance except each other. Believe it or not, they were even more warped back then. When you stop and think about it, maybe this fight is a good thing for them. Maybe it means that the twins are expanding their horizons a bit. We should just leave them alone, and let them work it out.

Haruhi - {Who knows. Maybe it is a turn for the better. But if this really is their first fight, they probably need someone to step in and tell them when to give in and to call it quits. And if they've never fought before, would they even know how to make up?}

  • bell rings and the twins start throwing stuff again.*

Tamaki - Ugh. Don't you guys think maybe it's time you give up all this fighting? It's driving me insane...

Hikaru - What did you say!? It's driving you insane!? Ugh! You've got to be kidding me! How do you think I feel right now!? Every time I look in the mirror I see his face! I'm sick and tired of me mistaken for you, Kaoru! The truth is, I hate your guts!

Kaoru - You took the words right out of my mouth. In fact I hate you so much I bought this--Belzenef the curse doll!

Tamaki - *gasp*

Kaoru - I'm going to compete the curse, Hikaru. I'm going to write your name on his back. From this day forward, you're going to experience nothing, but misfortune and sorrow. *writes on the back*

Haruhi comes in and hit both of the twins on the head.

Haruhi - Would you guys knock it off! What do you think you're doing!? Don't bring something like this into a petty fight! Both of you are at fault here, but what's really sad is that you brought everyone else around you into your big mess! Now apologize to each other! If you don't make up right now, I'm never going to let you come to my house! Have I made myself clear!?

The twins make a mischievous smile.

Haruhi - Hm?

Hikaru and Kaoru - So what your saying Haruhi, is that if we make up we can come over to your place? *links arms and crosses legs behind Haruhi*

Haruhi - *looks at the curse doll and sees blank written on it's back* *gasp* AAAAAAHHHHHH!!

The twins give each other a high five.

Hikaru - I'm so sorry Kaoru. Even though I was just following our script, I said such awful things to you. I'm not fit to be your brother.

Kaoru - Don't say that Hikaru. I was so worried, I couldn't live with myself I ever thought I had hurt you.

Hikaru - Kaoru, I will never let you go again!

Kaoru - Oh, Hikaru!

Honey - You got to be kidding! You guys were faking it this whole time!?

Hikaru and Kaoru - We didn't have anything else to do! We were bored!

Haruhi - {They totally fooled me.}

Tamaki - Twins with too much time on their hands...are the devil.

  • clapping*

Girl 1 - I'm so glad they made up!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Okay! It's time to play which one is Hikaru game!

Girl 1 - I know. The twin with the pink hair is Hikaru.

Hikaru and Kaoru - We have a winner!

Girl 2 - So are you two gonna keep your wild hair color even though you made up? It's much easier to tell the two of you apart now.

Haruhi - Huh, no it isn't.

Hikaru and Kaoru - Hm?

Haruhi - Today, the pink one is Kaoru, and Hikaru's the blue one. You swapped colors for the day, huh? Hm.

Kaoru - Do you realized what's happened Hikaru? Up until now, there were only two kinds of people: "us" and "everyone else." But for the first time, someone's crossed into our world.

Episode 6 - The Grade School Host Is The Naughty Type![edit]

Teacher - Oh. There you are Shiro. The rest of the club is assembled and ready to go. You should get to the music room.

Shiro - I'm sorry Sir, but I'm quitting the classical music club.

Teacher - Huh? What made you decide to quit all of a sudden? I think you have a natural talent for the piano. It'd be a shame to waste it. *puts hands on Shiro's shoulders* So, forget about quitting and come back to the club. If you play piano, you're sure to be popular with all the ladies.

Shiro - But that's gonna take too long! I don't have that much time!

Shiro - {The top floor of the south building... at the end of the north hallway... in a music room that's never used...This is it. This is the place.} *opens door to find the Host Club* Wueh!

Host Club - Welcome to the Ouran Host Club!

Hikaru - Oh. It's just a kid.

Kaoru - Not only that, it's just a boy.

Tamaki - What's wrong little boy? Did you come to my palace in search of something?

Shiro - A-Are you the king of this place?

Tamaki - Ah.....

Shiro - Well, are you?

Tamaki - Come closer lost one. What was it you just called me, little boy?

Shiro - The King.

Tamaki - Oh! The King! Yes! I am the King of the Ouran Host Club! Long live the host king!

Shiro - I'm an elementary 5th Year, Shiro Takaoji! I want the Host Club King to take me in as an apprentice!

Hosts - *audible gasp*

Girl 1 - Oh my, Tamaki, you have an apprentice?

Tamaki - Yes. He's still in elementary school, but I like the fire in his eyes.

Girl 1 - But are you sure it is okay for such a young boy to become a host?

Tamaki - Why wouldn't it be? Love has nothing to do with age. Take us for instance. Whenever I look at you my heart starts pounding, suddenly I feel no better than a love-sick little boy.

Girl 1 - Ah, Tamaki...

Haruhi - Don't you think it's weird that he's making the kid watch him up close like that?

Kyoya - There is a theory that people are considered more beautiful the closer they are veiwed. Tamaki seems to live by that theory. Well, let's leave them alone.

Haruhi - Hm.

Tamaki - You naughty girl, you've drawn me to the forbidden fruit. Dearest, you are lika a mermaide that has brought light to my lonely sea. My mermaid princess.

Girl 1 - I remind you...of a mermaid?

Shiro - You look more like the carp that swim in my pond at home. I would never give false compliments like that.

Girl 1 - Carp!?

Tamaki - Oh, don't listen to him! He's just a kid. You know how kids are. They can't help but be honest.

Girl 1 - Honest!?

Tamaki - But that's just his opinion. I wouldn't say you look like a carp, and even if you did look like a carp, you'd be the most beautiful carp of them all.

Girl 1 - So I am a carp?!

Tamaki - Uh...no...That's not what I meant.

Girl 1 - Tamaki, you're an idiot!

Tamaki - No wait! Mermaid Princess!

Shiro - Man, what a cry baby.

Tamaki - Grrr...

Hikaru - So, how's it going, boss? That's an adorable little apprentice you've got there.

Kaoru - Hikaru, do you wish you had a little brother like Shiro?

Hikaru - Don't be silly. I could search the globe and I could never find a better brother than you, Kaoru.

Kaoru - Hikaru...

Girl 2 - Oh, they're doing it!

Girl 3 - It's forbidden brotherly love!

Shiro - They're homos! And they're brothers! That makes this totally insexuous!

Tamaki - I think what you meant to say was, incestuous.

Shiro - Uh....

Honey - Hey, Shiro-Chan! You wanna have a piece of cake with me? We've got three kinds: chocolate, strawberry, and lime!

Shiro - Hey, back off! What grade are you in anyway?! What are you doing wearing a high school uniform?!

Mori - Something wrong, Mitsukuni?

Shiro - Agh....That's not fair! A kid like you is not supposed to have a cool friend like him!

  • Shiro bumps into Haruhi

Haruhi - Are you alright?

Shiro - Huh?

Haruhi - I know. It's kinda hard getting used to all the weirdo's around here. It took me a while to get used to all the craziness, so don't get all freaked out. I'm sure you'll get used to it.

Shiro - ...{This one kind of acts like a girl...}

Haruhi - Is something wrong?

Shiro - Are you a cross-dresser?

Hosts - *gasp* Oh no.

Tamaki - Okay, that's enough. I think Shiro should take care of the tea for us, don't you?

Kaoru - Wow, Haruhi. You're looking extra manly today.

Hikaru - Now do what the boss says. Let Shiro take care of that tea set. It's part of his training. You're too macho for tea sets.

Tamaki & Twins - *nervous laughing*

Haruhi - *sigh*

Shiro - *growl*

Tamaki - {This kid is smarter than I thought.}

Twins - {He might be a kid, but he's got quite an eye.}

Haruhi - Here, now be careful with it, it's pretty heavy.

Shiro - *drops tea set* It's not my fault I dropped it. It's your fault because you're the one who made me take it in the first place.

Haruhi - Say what?

Kyoya - Haruhi, that's another one hundred thousand yen.

Haruhi - Huh?

Shiro - Hey! You should make your cross-dresser do all your stupid chores! I'm not here to carry tea sets! I'm here to learn how to make women happy!

Tamaki - You won't get anywhere with that attitude. I'm not going to let you disrespect Haruhi. So...Put this brat in isolation!

Hikaru and Kaoru - You got it boss!

Shiro - What's going on here!? Why'd you put me in a cage all of a sudden!?

Haruhi - Yeah. Where did it come from? This is supposed to be a music room, right?

Shiro - This is no way t treat your loyal apprentice! Now let me out of this cage!

Tamaki - Not until you've learned your lesson. I made you my apprentice because I thought you were serious about becoming a host. But I guess I was wrong.

Shiro - I am serious. Totally serious. I want you to teach me how to make a woman happy! I'm gonna run out of time. Please won't you teach me? You're a host because you like girls,...You like bringing a smile to a girls face,...That's why you do it, right? Please won't you teach me to be like you!? You're a genius at it! You're the King!

Tamaki - *gasp* Well, you may be a brat, but I admire your desire to become a host, so I'll teach you.

Shiro - Hm.

Tamaki - You know Shiro, you and I are so much alike.

Haruhi - You poor kid.

Shiro - Than you'll help me become the kind of host that can make any woman happy?

Tamaki - Of course. Making women happy is the soul purpose of being a host. If this is what you really want Shiro, you'll have to find out how to use the material you already have.

Shiro - What does that mean?

Kyoya - You see, here at the Ouran Host Club, our policy is to use our individual personality traits to meet the needs of our guests. For example, there is Tamaki, who is the "princely type". There's the "strong and silent type"..."The boy Lolita type"..."The little devil type"...and "the cool type". It's all about variety. And now our group is complete with the addition of Haruhi, "the Natural".

Haruhi - The natural?

Kyoya - It would seem that right now we have a perfect blend of characteristics. It's going to be difficult to find a type for Shiro.

Hikaru - If you go by his age he should be the boy Lolita type.

Kaoru - But Honey-Senpai has already got that covered.

Honey - Is he gonna replace me?

Renge - Oh, come on! Is that all you've got!?

Haruhi - {What is up with this place? This is supposed to be a music room.}

Renge - *sigh* Sorry to interrupt gentlemen, but what's with the lackluster character analysis? I must say, I'm quite disappointed. I thought I taught you better.

Tamaki - Alright then, Miss Manager. How would you work Shiro into our collection of characters? He can't be the boy Lolita because Honey has already got that covered.

Renge - You just don't get it, do you!? Now listen up! There are plenty of girls out there who have a thing for younger boys with baby faces. These girls would be considered, shota fans. Now shota can be a very broad category, so it's important to know the genre can be broken down into many smaller sub categories. For example, shota fans with interests in Lolita boys, favor a boy like Haninozuka-Senpai. But, this little boy is different. If I had to pick a character for him...Yes! He would be the naughty-boy type without a doubt!

Shiro - The Naughty Type?

Renge - *blows on whistle* Now, to play up the naughty type, you have to wear shorts. Okay! *blows whistle* You gotta have bumps and bruises! Give him a couple of scars! *blows whistle* Run, like a spoiled child! Make it reckless! *blows whistle* Now, I want you to trip and make it big!

Shiro - Waaahh!!

Renge - Are you okay, little boy? *blows whistle* Now give 'em your catch phrase!

Shiro - No big deal. It was nothing.

Renge - Oh...That was perfect! Absolutely perfect Shiro!

Tamaki - *clapping* That was outstanding. I never knew you were such a great coach, Renge.


Shiro - {They're idiots...They're all a bunch of idiots...} Ugh! I've had enough of you people! This is so stupid. None of this is her going to help me make her happy.

Haruhi - Who's her?

Tamaki - Wait, Shiro! We haven't taught you how to apply the techniques you've learned yet!

Renge - I swear, younger boys are good for nothing. I went to all that trouble to coach him, and he quits.

Tamaki - I can't believe he ditched us just because he didn't like the lesson. What a selfish little brat.

Haruhi - There aren't many people that would enjoy that kind of lesson. But never mind that, were you listening to what he said?

Tamaki - Huh?


Shiro - I'm gonna run out of time! Please won't you teach me?

End of Flashback

Haruhi - He said he was gonna run out of time. What do you think he means by that? I think that, maybe, it's a girl.

Tamaki - Huh? ...Hmm...

Haruhi - How did we let them talk us into this?

Honey - It'll be okay, Haru-Chan. It was so easy to sneak in. And wearing this uniform, I really look like I'm in elementary school.

Haruhi - Yeah, ya do. I can understand why they wanted you to wear an elementary school uniform, I mean we are sneaking into an elementary school, and you totally fit in Senpai. What I don't understand is why they made me dress up in thius middle school uniform.


Tamaki - Alright then. It's time to inichiate our mission.

Haruhi - What do you mean?

Honey - What mission?

Tamaki - I've assessed the situation, we'll infiltrate the elementary school...you two will be going in.

Haruhi and Honey - Where are going?

End of Flashback

Haruhi - Why did we even bother with disguises? We stick out like a sore thumb.

Tamaki - *opens door* Well, there's a reason. A damn good reason.

Honey - This way Haru-Chan!

Hikaru and Kaoru - Isn't she the cutest?

Tamaki - Oh, look at her in that mini skirt, Haruhi looks like a little doll.

Kyoya - So, basically, you just wanted to see her dressed up like that?

Honey - *opens door* This is it. Shiro-Chan's classroom. When I was in elementary school, this was my classroom, too.

Haruhi - Hm. There's nobody here.

Tamaki - So the kid's classroom is empty is it?

Hikaru and Kaoru - This sure takes me back.

Kaoru - I wonder if doodles are still on my desk.

Kyoya - No, fool. The school changes out the desks every year.

Hikaru - Lets check out the cafeteria after this.

Kaoru - I want to see the old gym.

Tamaki - Good idea, guys.

Haruhi - Hey, if you guys are just going to barge in here like this, then why are we wearing these stupid disguises?

Hikaru - Don't worry about it.

Kaoru - There's no one here to catch us.

Footsteps approach. Everyone crouches down to hide.

Kaoru - If the teach finds us,

Hikaru - We'll have a hard time explaining why we snuck in.

Haruhi - Shh! Shut up guys! Just keep your lips zipped.

Hikaru, Kaoru and Tamaki - {Haruhi is cutest thing I've ever seen!}

Haruhi - It's alright. He's gone. But you guys, we came here to get the scoop on Shiro, so what do you think we should do now?

Kyoya - Well, here is something interesting.

Haruhi - What'd ya find? *looks at picture of Shiro and some girl* Hey, that's Shiro.

Kyoya - So, he's in the Classical Music Club.

Haruhi - He looks like he is enjoying himself. It's nice to see him with a smile on his face. I had no idea he could look so sweet.

Tamaki - Yeah.

Honey - There he is. There's Shiro-Chan.

Kamishiro - E-excuse me, Takaoji... I'm sorry, but have you been practicing the new peice teacher gave us?

Shiro - The new peice? Not really.

Kamishiro - If you want I can show it to you. Do you want to come play it with me?

Shiro - No thanks. You go ahead. After all, there is only one grand piano. You should use it, Kamishiro.

Kamishiro - Thank you. I will then. And if you want to join me, just let me know.

Tamaki - Pardon me, madomiuelle. I've never seen a rose more lovely then you, my dear. Here, this is for you. I was wondering if you could tell me anything about that young lady playing the piano. Do you know her?

Girl - That's Hina Kamishiro.

Tamaki - Her name is Miss Hina?

Girl - That's right, but you better not fall in love with her.

Tamaki - Why?

Girl - Didn't you know? Hina has to move away soon. Her dad just got a new job in Germany, so they have to move there at the end of the week.

Shiro - What do you think you're doing!? I want you idiots to leave immediately!

Tamaki - Hmm..

Shiro - Aahh! Put me down! What are you doing!? AAHH! Let me go! Just put me down!

Tamaki - It's time to go now. Quit thrashing around.

Shiro - Aah! What is your problem you big idiot!?

Tamaki - I'm sorry, but you're the idiot. You've said that you wanted me to teach you how to make women happy, but that's not it, is it? You're not concerned with the happiness of just any women, you've got your sights set on one woman in particular. You only care about one, and that's Hina Kamishiro. But, I'm afraid there is nothing I can do to help you with that. Listen, Shiro, I know that I tld you it's the job of a host to make woman happy, but when you care for someone, you must find the courage to express what is in your heart. You have to tell her how you feel about her. You didn't come to me looking to become a full-feldged host, you want to be a full-fledged man.

Shiro - It doesn't matter anymore. I've run out of time. I just, I wanted to hear her play before she left for good. That's all.

Tamaki - That piece she played, it's Mozart sonata in d major for dual pianos, isn't it?

Haruhi - Wait a minute, since when is there a grand piano in here?

Kaoru - Well, this is a music room after all.

Hikaru - So why wouldn't it have a grand piano?

Kyoya - It is a music room after all.

Mori - It is a music room.

Honey - Its always been there, we just had it covered up.

  • Tamaki starts playing the piano

Shiro - Awesome.


Hina - Hey, Takaoji. I noticed that you are always listening to me when I'm playing. Do you like the piano? If so then why don't we learn how to play together.

End of flashback....

Shiro narrating - She played beautifully but it wasn't the piano that I liked.

Tamaki - For the next week, you will spend you mornings, lunches, ressess, and free time after school in piano lessons with me.

Shiro - But, why?

Tamaki - You wanted to be my apprentice, right? Besides, that young lady looked like she wanted nothing more than to play the piano with you.

Host Club - Welcome princess. We have been waiting.

Tamaki - I present to you, Shiro Takaoji's piano recital. If you please, Princess.

Shiro - Let's play together Hina.

Hina - Ok.

Shiro and Hina start playing the piano's

Tamaki - We did a good thing.

Haruhi - He loves with all his heart...So I guess that is one more way that Shiro takes after you, huh Senpai?

Tamaki - Why yes. I'd say so.

Haruhi - So, you have been exchanging e-mails with Hina everyday now that she's in Germany?

Shiro - Yeah. More or less. I like her but she can get pretty jealous for an elementary school girl. She'd be upset if she knew I was with you ladies, so lets keep this our little secret.

Girl 1 - Oh, isn't he the cutest?

Girl 2 - His girlfriend is so lucky.

Girl 3 - I wish I had a little brother just like him.

Girl 4 - Naughty boys are the best.

Girl 5 - I could kiss you.

Tamaki - GGGGGRRRRR!!! You brat! What are you doing!? Those are my guests!!

Shiro - Heh. Well it looks like they found someone they like better. It's so easy to steal your customers. I think theres a new Host King in town.

Tamaki - AAAHH!!

Kaoru - I thought he would make it through without exploding this time!

Hikaru - We should have known he was going to blow up sooner or later!

Haruhi - Shiro really does have a lot in common with Tamaki - Senpai. I get the feeling that senpai was always a spoiled brat when he was a kid.

Tamaki - i was not a spoiled brat! I was nothing like him when I was a kid! I was sweet, precocious, innocent child! Do you hear me!?

Episode 7 - Jungle Pool SOS![edit]

Episode 8 - The Sun, The Sea And The Host Club![edit]

Episode 9 - A Challenge From The Lobelia Girls' Academy![edit]

Episode 10 - A Day In The Life Of The Fujioka Family![edit]

Episode 11 - Big Brother Is A Prince![edit]

Episode 12 - Honey's Three Bitter Days![edit]

Episode 13 - Haruhi In Wonderland![edit]

Episode 14 - Covering The Famous Host Club![edit]

Episode 15 - The Refreshing Battle In Karuizawa![edit]

Episode 16 - Operation Haruhi and Hikaru's First Date![edit]

Episode 17 - Kyoya's Reluctant Day Out![edit]

Episode 18 - Chicka's 'Down With Honey' Declaration![edit]

Episode 19 - Lobelia Girls' Academy Strikes Back[edit]

Episode 20 - The Door The Twins Opened![edit]

Episode 21 - Until The Day It Becomes A Pumpkin![edit]

Episode 22 - Mori-Senpai Has An Apprentice Candidate![edit]

Episode 23 - Tamaki's Unwitting Depression![edit]

Episode 24 - And So Kyoya Met Him![edit]

Episode 25 - The Host Club Declares Dissolution![edit]

Episode 26 - This Is Our Ouran Fair![edit]

External links[edit]

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