Red vs Blue: The Chorus Trilogy

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The Chorus Trilogy is a chapter in Rooster Teeth's Red vs. Blue saga, lasting from 2013 to 2015.

Season 11[edit]

Chapter 1: One-Zero-One[edit]

  • Washington: Journal entry, One-Zero-One. It's been a while since I've done one of these, so, uh... let's get caught up to speed. Everything can be traced back to Project Freelancer, a military organization gone horribly wrong. Men in charge were corrupt and the soldiers who followed them were blind. And guess which side I was on? Eventually, it was the project's own creations which tore it to pieces and I was the one sent out to pick them up. I recovered weapons, armor and A.I. fragments all in an effort to keep the wrong people from getting them first, but I was too slow. Everyone fought over the remnants of Project Freelancer. I didn't think I could believe in anyone anymore. But then... I met the Reds and Blues.
Sarge: Hey, Caboose!
Caboose: Hello!
Sarge: We've got a proposition for you!
Caboose: For me? Oh well, you shouldn't have!
Washington: They had been used by the Freelancers just like I had. They were cannon fodder in a conflict that had no purpose. But more importantly...
Caboose: Tucker! The Reds gave us a proposition! We should really send them back some sort of thank you basket, like.. fruit.
Tucker: "Proposition" just means a choice, you idiot!
Caboose: Oh... we will take the fuzzy one.
Sarge: But you don't even know what the proposition is yet!
Caboose: Well then, we don't know that it isn't fuzzy then, do we!?
Washington: ...they were just stupid enough to trust. Together, we were able to put an end to everything. The Freelancers, the A.I., even the Director of the whole operation, they're all gone. And as for us? Well... we're shipwrecked. Crashed during our ride home. And if we're not rescued soon, I have a feeling something else might find us first. This is Agent Washington signing... [Hears explosion] Oh, what now!?
  • Washington: Sarge, get out of the tank.
Sarge: Not a chance, Blue! Possession's nine tenths of the law, the other tenth is a tank, I've got both. Besides, we need it to upgrade our quarters.
Washington: Your quarters are fine!
Grif: [Emerging from Red Base] Yeah! Now get out of the tank, you senile old-- [Gets blasted by the tank] Fucking son of a bitch!
Sarge: Finger slip.
Washington: Out. Now.
Caboose: My turn!
Washington: Please, be quiet.
Caboose: [Whispers] My turn.
Sarge: [Exiting the tank] This is an outrage! Blue Base is built directly below the crash site! You've got an unfair advantage!
Washington: Sarge, the Reds and Blues aren't fighting! We're just camped at opposite ends of the canyon in... colour... divided... teams... while heavily armed...
Sarge: True. But have you ever considered that fighting is just in our nature? It's almost instinctual. If we're not trying to stab each other in the back, we'll surely die.
Washington: Dear God, I hate you...
Sarge: That's the spirit! [Chuckles]
  • Simmons: There goes the revered leader of the Blue army. What a dick.
Sarge: Fine! We don't need that tank anyway! As many great 21st century movie trailers once said: "This is only the beginning." And then text would appear on the screen, and the music would cut out abruptly! And they'd say one final line of dialogue to leave the audience with the ultimate sense of excitement!
Grif: Like what?
Sarge: I don't know...

Chapter 2: Get Your Tucks in a Row[edit]

  • Washington: Tucker, what is the one thing I tell you each and every morning?
Tucker: Wake up.
Washington: The other thing.
Tucker: For the love of God, stop sleeping naked.
Washington: Don't let anyone touch the tank!
Tucker: [Looks at the tank] OK, I can see where you're going with this.
Washington: Until we're rescued, we need to be more mindful of the supplies that we have.
Tucker: I know, I know, ration the food, maintain our equipment...
Caboose: Brush your teeth, don't talk to strangers, try not to shoot anyone while they're trying to brush their teeth...
Washington: ...and always report in to me!
Tucker: Do we have to?
Washington: Yes! I even put up that Blue Team organizational chart to help demonstrate the point.
Tucker: Yeah, but we never really listened to that. Church just kinda shouted orders and we'd get around to them...eventually. Or we wouldn't, whatever.
Caboose: He was an inspiration to us all.
Washington: Well, Church and Carolina decided to run off without so much as a goodbye. So it's up to me to keep us all together. Maybe if someone hadn't have crashed the ship, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Tucker: Woah, wait a second. Why are you looking at me when you say that?
Washington: I just have a hard time believing that thousands of well trained crew members were to blame for the incident.
Tucker: Well, they definitely didn't survive it. Ah ha ha ha! Ahem.
Washington: Wow.
Tucker: Yeah.
Washington: You proud of yourself?
Tucker: No.
Caboose: Yeah, that was, that's too soon. Prob-probably too soon for sound effects too. [Makes sound effects] "Meeer. Oh god help us, Kapow." Yeah, that's too soon.
  • Simmons: The sunlight is perfect for maintaining my vegetable garden and the faulty engine from the ship should keep us warm all winter.
Sarge: But aren't slipspace engines extremely radioactive?
[Beat]
Grif: Well, that would explain why my hair keeps falling out and why all your cabbages have three heads.
Simmons: [Sadly] I thought I was just really good at farming.
Grif: No Simmons, you're good at other things. Like always being on time, maintaining your virginity. [Walks towards Red Base]
Simmons: Oh yeah!? Well, we'll see who's laughing when my garden produces a bountiful crop in the coming harvest!
Grif: Glad to hear you still got that virginity on lock-down, buddy.

Chapter 3: Barriers to Entry[edit]

  • Tucker: [Doing squats] Sixty! Sixty-one! Sixty-two! Sixty-three! Sixty-four! Sixty-five! Sixty-six! Sixty-seven! Sixty-eight! Sixty-nine...
Washington: Tucker, you can't keep stopping on sixty-nine.
Tucker: No! This time, my legs went out.
Washington: [Sighs] Come on.
Tucker: [Exclaims] Holy Christ! I haven't been sore since that bachelorette party on Bourbon Street!
Washington: You want me to believe you banged an entire bachelorette party?
Tucker: I want you to, but really the groom just showed up and cracked three of my ribs.
Washington: That's what I thought.
  • Grif: Ground rules, if there's a sock on the door, do not come in!
Simmons: But we don't have socks. Or a door.
Grif: And I don't have an internet connection. But we've all got to find some way to masturbate, now don't we?

Chapter 4: Heavy Mettle[edit]

  • Caboose: [Walking through the canyon] Depression... loneliness... confusion... slight indigestion... Oh, Church! Oh, I miss you so much! Who's supposed to be my best friend while you are gone? Maybe Tucker? That guy isn't even a shade of blue... He's like an... aqua... [Hears noise] Hello? Um... who's there? Tucker, is that you? Agent Washington? [Calls into the cave] HELLO!?
Echo: HELLO!?
Caboose: Oh, that was just me! That was stupid! HAVE A NICE DAY!
Echo: THANKS, YOU TOO!
Caboose: Well, I'm a very pleasant person. [Hears noise] OK, me, you can cut it out now. This is getting a little silly. [Spots something] Hello...
  • Simmons: Hey, roomie, uh, you got a second for me?
Grif: 'Sup?
Simmons: Oh, you know, not much, not much, uh, so question for you.
Grif: Uh huh?
Simmons: By any chance, you know, have you seen my toothbrush?
Grif: Uh... I don't think so...
Simmons: OK, OK, uh, you sure?
Grif: Yeah.
Simmons: Huh, you know, because I'm pretty sure I saw you with it earlier.
Grif: Dude, you're acting weird.
Simmons: Hm? What? What do you mean?
Grif: I mean, clearly you're accusing me of using your toothbrush. But instead of just coming out and saying it, you're being really passive-aggressive and tiptoeing around the accusation.
Simmons: Huh...
Grif: You did the same thing when I left the lights on. And when I put my boots on your side of the room.
Simmons: Mm hmm...
Grif: And I fell like there's this constant tension going between us that's inevitably going to erupt over what would normally be considered a small issue.
Simmons: [Beat] Yeah, well... You know, I wouldn't be asking you about my toothbrush if I hadn't seen you with it earlier.
Grif: I used your toothbrush.
Simmons: [Points his gun at Grif] YOU FUCK!
Grif: Dude! What's wrong with you!?
Simmons: What's wrong with me!? What's wrong with you!? You keep stacking dishes in the sink! I don't even think you've eaten off of some of them! For all I know, you're doing it because you're fucking bored!
Grif: Wait, isn't the sink just where dishes go?
Simmons: No! They go in the cupboard!
Grif: We have a cupboard!?
[Sarge enters]
Sarge: Hey! Keep it down in there! I'm trying to watch my stories!
Simmons: Sarge, please, tear down the wall! I can't take this laziness in small spaces!
Sarge: I'm sorry, Simmons, but we all have to make sacrifices. Except for me because I'm in charge.
Grif: Hey, Simmons. This probably isn't the best time to say this, but uh, we're out of toilet paper.
Simmons: What!? How!?
[Cut to the tank being covered in toilet paper]
Grif: I don't know.

Chapter 5: A Real Fixer Upper[edit]

  • Tucker: I'm just saying. I feel like somebody should have found us by now.
Washington: [Working on the communications tower] Hmm...
Tucker: You know, it's like, if a plane crashes and disappears, that's fine, civilians, whatever.
Washington: Not sure if I agree with you on that.
Tucker: But this was a fucking spaceship! That's like, national tragedy level important!
Washington: It was a big ship.
Tucker: And what about GPS? The Galactic Positioning System should have been able to inform Command of our location within seconds of a mayday.
Washington: [Stands up] How do you know that?
Tucker: Uh...
[Cut to inside the spaceship, before the crash]
Operator: And the Galactic Positioning System would be able to inform Command of our location within seconds of a mayday, so even if the ship were to crash, rescue would be practically immediate. Isn't that rad?
Tucker: Cool, nerd stuff. Hey, Smurgler, is it just me or is that blonde over there checking me out?
Operator: Who, the pilot?
Tucker: Yeah, she's definitely checking me out. [Walks over to the pilot]
Operator: Wait! You can't go over there!
Tucker: Hey, baby. I hear you're a pilot. Think you could pull up on my throttle? Bow chicka bow wow!
[Alarms and red lights go off. Cut back to the canyon]
Tucker: I read it in a book?
Washington: I don't believe you. [Returns to working on the comm tower] Then again, I don't really care.
Tucker: Phew...
Washington: [Straightening up again] Hey.
Tucker: Oh-oh what? Nothing.
Washington: What happened to my soldering iron?
Tucker: Oh, uh, I don't know.
Washington: Damn it! This would be going so much faster if I didn't have to keep tracking down my equipment every five minutes!
Tucker: What, you think the Reds took it?
Washington: [Cocks his shotgun and imitates Sarge] Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards! Let's steal Washington's tank and fire at our walls! That'll fix it! [Beat] Yes, I think the Reds took it.
Tucker: Man, why are you so wound up all the time?
Washington: Because every second we're here is another second closer to death. Or worse.
Tucker: What's worse than death?
Washington: I don't know. I just thought it sounded dramatic.
  • Sarge: Ladies, I would like to introduce you to the newest addition to Red Team.
Simmons: Can it... talk?
[Pause]
Robot: Hola. [Hello.]
Simmons: You've gotta be kidding me!
Grif: Oh, come on!
Sarge: Huh. That is an unfortunate coincidence.
Grif: Spanish. Why is it fucking Spanish? Why not French, or German, or Sangheili?
Robot: Lo siento. ¿Mi elección de idioma no les complace? Mi configuración de sistema están actualmente configuradas a Español. [I'm sorry. Does my language choice not please you? My system settings are currently set to Spanish.]
Sarge: Heh heh, you know, it almost feels like the good ol' days. Just me, a Spanish-speaking robot, and a couple of complete idiots.
Simmons: You're talking about Grif and Donut, right?
Grif: Thanks, dickhead.
Sarge: Lopez Dos-Point-O, it's good to have you aboard.
Lopez 2.0: Gracias, maestro. Es mi deber--[Thank you, master. It's my duty to--]
Sarge: Now get to work, slacker!
Lopez 2.0: ¿Perdóneme?[Excuse me?]
Sarge: Comm tower. Middle of the canyon. Repairo, los rapido.
Grif: It's Spanish, Sarge, not Harry Potter.
Lopez 2.0: Suena como si usted tiene algún equipo que requiere reparación.¿Es eso correcto?[It sounds as if you have some equipment that's in need of repair. Is that correct?]
Sarge: Hmm, he's not doing anything.
Grif: Maybe he's stupid.
Sarge: Robot! Do you understand us? Comprehende?
Lopez 2.0: Si. [Yes.]
Simmons: Well, he knows what we're saying, so I guess he's just stupid.
Lopez 2.0: Les puedo asegurar. Estoy funcionando a un nivel sobre promedio--[I can assure you I am performing at an above average--]
Sarge: [Sighs] Poor stupid Lopez Dos-Point-O. Well, let's just take him over to the comm tower.
Grif: Why? He's a moron.
Sarge: Yep, but maybe he'll end up being like a Rainman-type moron. We could get him one of those grey suits.
Lopez 2.0: Haré mi mejor esfuerzo para servirles.[I will do my best to serve you.]
Simmons: [Sighs] What a shame.

Chapter 6: S.O.S.[edit]

  • Washington: Mayday, mayday, this is Agent Washington and the red and blue troopers of Project Freelancer! We are stranded, does anyone copy? [No response] Mayday, this is Agent Washington, I am a soldier. [No response] Is anybody out there!? [No response] Can anybody hear me!?
[A voice is faintly heard on the radio]
Voice: ...Hello? Is someone there?
Washington: Yes! Yes, we're here! Do you read us!?
Voice: ...Hello... is this... prank call?
Washington: No, no, no, this is real! Please, you have to listen to me! My men and I are shipwrecked!
Simmons: It's an emergency!
Grif: Black hawk down!
Sarge: Code red!
Voice: What, like a lightish red?
[Pause]
Tucker: What the fuck did he just say?
Voice: Cause I mean, red is a pretty broad spectrum. There's scarlet, vermilion, like a deep burgundy.
Sarge: [Approaches the radio] Donut! Is that you!?
Donut: Sarge? Oh, hey guys, what have you all been up to?
Sarge: We're stranded in the middle of the jungle with dwindling food and limited supplies.
[Pause]
Donut: That sucks.
Grif: No shit, dickhead!
Sarge: Donut, I need you to listen to me. You need to send help. Call command.
Donut: Command? I think I know a guy if you want to turn this call into a three way.
Sarge: No... Don't do that. I need you to write down these coordinates.
Washington: [Turns back to the Reds] Who is Donut again?
Simmons: Cheery guy. Pink armor.
Grif: Kind of stupid.
Tucker: And a little-
Washington: Wait, did I shoot him once?
Grif: Bingo.
Washington: Got it. And he's competent enough to trust with our lives?
[Cut to Sarge and the radio]
Donut: Sorry, did you say "five" or "nine"?
Sarge: I said "eight".
Donut: Oh.
[Cut back to Washington]
Washington: Right. [Walks back over to Sarge] Okay, Donut, those are our last known coordinates but be sure to let the rescue team know that we've got no clue where we actually landed.
Donut: Don't worry guys! No matter how deep the bush, Private Donut always finds his man.
[Sarge and Washington look at each other nervously]
Sarge: Roger that, son.
[Radio static cuts in]
Donut: What was that? You're breaking up.
Washington: Just send help as fast as you can.
Donut: Okey dokey!
[The radio loses connection]
  • Caboose: Hey, everyone!
Washington: Caboose! Where have you been?
Caboose: Yeah... I went on a walk, like you said, and now, everything is going to be good FOREVER!
Sarge: Told you so!
Washington: Wait, Caboose, you were miserable. What happened?
Caboose: Oh, heh, where are my manners? I haven't even introduced him.
Washington: Introduced who?
Caboose: FRECKLES! COME! [Whistles]
[A huge machine walks towards the group]
Caboose: EVERYONE, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET FRECKLES! FRECKLES, say hello.
Freckles: [Aiming at Grif and Simmons] Enemy soldiers detected.
Caboose: No, those aren't enemies, Freckles. Those are Grif and Simmons... our enemy.
Freckles: Firing main cannons.
Caboose: No! Bad Freckles! Down!
Freckles: Yes, master.
Caboose: Bad Freckles. [Turns back to the others] So, what are you guys up to?
Grif: Ehh... uhh...

Chapter 7: Can I Keep It?[edit]

  • Tucker: So... [Freckles turns to him] Never mind...
Washington: Caboose... [Freckles turns to him] Tell me again, where did you find this... robot?
Caboose: His name is Freckles.
Tucker: That's a stupid name. [Freckles turns to him] Stupid cool, I mean. Great name. I mean, I wish that were my name. Yeah, Freckles is the best name ever that there ever was.
Washington: Technically, it's a MANTIS Class military assault droid.
Tucker: Wait, why MANTIS?
Washington: Well, you see those legs? They kind of resemble the legs of a Praying Mantis.
Tucker: No, they don't.
Washington: Then, maybe it's the head shape?
Caboose: Yeah, maybe it's because during the act of procreation they rip off the head of their mate's body and devour it. It's like an act of sexual cannibalism.
Washington: [Disgusted] Eugh! What!?
Tucker: Eh, I've dated worse.
Caboose: Yeah, I call him Freckles because of the spots on his nose.
Tucker: Well, shit, I actually have to give it to Caboose on this one. Robot definitely looks more like a 'Freckles' than a 'Mantis'.
  • Simmons: Hey asshole, would it kill you to take out the trash for once?
Grif: Simmons, I've been thinking.
Simmons: I don't care! Take out the fucking trash!
Grif: Why do we carry our guns?
Simmons: What!?
Grif: Our guns. Why do we carry them!?
Simmons: Because we're soldiers.
Grif: Yeah, but we're not really fighting anybody, are we?
Simmons: Well, yeah, but you never know when we could be attacked!
Grif: Attacked by who? The Blues?
Simmons: Um...
Grif: We haven't fought a single god damn enemy since arriving in this canyon, and yet here we are walking around in full body armor with a rifle in our hands like the fucking galaxy is about to attack us any second.
Simmons: What's your point?
Grif: My point is, why don't we ever just walk around without our guns?
[Long pause]
Grif: Do it!
Simmons: What?
Grif: Drop your gun!
Simmons: No!
Grif: Why not?
Simmons: I don't want to!
Grif: You don't want to? Or you can't?
Simmons: Um... um... I'm going back inside. [Runs to the base]
Grif: And thus Dexter Grif single handedly avoids trash duty for a second day in a row. Hoo-rah!

Chapter 8: The Grass is Greener. The Blues are Bluer.[edit]

  • Caboose: No, Freckles, no, Freckles, go down. Like this! [Squats]
[Freckles squats]
Caboose: Yes, that's a good Freckles! Yes, yes. Tucker! Tucker, did you see that!? Freckles did a squat!
Tucker: [Doing squats] Great. Now teach him to fetch, and then throw a stick off a cliff.
Caboose: Oh, he knows how to fetch. Freckles! Freckles! Get the ball! [Throws a ball]
Freckles: Acquiring target. [Shoots the ball]
Caboose: Um... see that, that was just poor phrasing on my part. Really. I mean, I was just... I-I think I was just grammatically... it was grammatically incorrect. So...
  • Grif: Hey, I think I broke the urinal in the laundry room.
Simmons: We don't have a urinal in the laundry room.
Grif: Oh...

Chapter 9: A House Divided, then Multiplied[edit]

  • Sarge: Huhh. Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time.
Grif: A matter of time?
Sarge: Yep. I knew this day would come.
Grif: Really? You knew Simmons would eventually wanna leave the Red Team?
Sarge: Leave Red Team? Grif, are you even paying attention?
Grif: I mean, not really, I just th- I'd-
Sarge: First they build a giant robot. Then they capture my second in command. It's just as I had predicted! The enemy has finally shown its true colours! And that colour is pound zero zero zero zero eff eff!
Grif: What?
Sarge: BLUE! BLUE! IT'S RED VS. BLUE ALL OVER AGAIN!
Grif: No, Sarge, they didn't capture him-
Sarge: Can you believe it? Posing as our allies only to stab us in the back years after our conflict, had seemingly ended! They've pulled off the most elaborate ruse in the history of simulated military combat.
Grif: I don't-
Sarge: I mean really! How far back did they start planning this thing?!
Grif: You're not listening!
Sarge: Like, did they know about all the Freelancers from the beginning?!
Grif: Sarge.
Sarge: And what about Church? For years they told us he was a ghost, but then he was an ancient artifact or something and there were aliens involved, I don't know! Sometimes I wonder just how deep this rabbit hole goes!
Grif: Stop.
Sarge: It's almost like all of this is some sort of sick game!
[Beat]
Grif: ...This conversation is starting to get a little Meta.
Sarge: You're right. You think he was in on it too?
Grif: I think you're jumping to conclusions.
Sarge: And I conclude you need to shut your mouth and move your feet!
Grif: What are you gonna do?
Sarge: We, are going to do the Reds' signature Blood Gulch maneuver.
Grif: [Sighs] Oh no...
Lopes 2.0: Me hace feliz saber que te ignoran tanto como a mí por aquí. [It makes me happy knowing you're ignored just as much as I am around here.]

Chapter 10: Long Live the King[edit]

  • Tucker: You are the worst thing to ever happen to happen to this team since blue boy decided to show up!
Caboose: I'M A MAN! BLUE MAN!
Simmons: You take that back! Wash is a great leader! I assume...
Sarge: BLASPHEMY!
Freckles: Deadly force authorized.
Tucker: Seriously, I would rather follow Caboose into battle than you!
Washington: [Sarcastic] Oh, really!? Then let's just make him the leader! See how much better off you are!
Caboose: Well, I humbly accept your nomination and accept the position.
Tucker and Washington: Shut up!
Freckles: Do not talk back to your commanding officer!
Tucker: Wash and I are having an argument! I will be talking back to him! That's how arguments work, you fucking toaster!
Freckles: Washington is not the commanding officer.
Tucker: What!?
Washington: What!?
Freckles: In the unanimous decision by the blue team, Caboose has been promoted to Blue Leader. Captain Caboose is your commanding officer. Do not talk back to your commanding officer.
Washington: Oh, fuck.
Caboose: Well, yeah, this is gonna be a lot of fun.
Washington: No, Caboose, you can't--
[Freckles turns to Washington]
Washington: Look, Freckles, this is a misunderstanding!
Simmons: Caboose is team leader? Fuck this... [Walks off]
Caboose: Oh, don't worry, Simmons. As my first duty as leader of the position of nomination, I say you can be on Blue Team forever!
Simmons: No thanks, I'm good.
Freckles: Private Simmons.
Simmons: Oh no...
Freckles: Deserting your post will designate you as AWOL. This designation is punishable by death.
Simmons: WHAT!?
Grif: Uh, hey, Sarge? NOW the Blues have kidnapped Simmons.
Sarge: THEN IT'S WAR!
  • Donut: Man, you guys are really noisy.
[The Reds and Blues run up to him, shouting with joy]
Donut: Aw, you must have really missed me.
Grif: Donut, thank God you're here!
Sarge: We were just about ready to kill each other.
Tucker: Speak for yourself!
Washington: Where's the ship?
Donut: What ship?
Washington: The ship you came here on. The Rescue team.
Donut: Oh, ha ha! Duh! Allow me to introduce the rescue team!
Doc: 'Sup?
Simmons: Doc!?
Washington: Wait, what is this?
Doc: Donut told me you guys needed help.
Donut: So I got the best help money could buy.
Doc: You didn't pay me.
Donut: And I didn't tip the pilot. That's frugality.
Sarge: What pilot?
Donut: The pilot that dropped us off, dummy.
Tucker: Dropped you off?
Grif: As in he's not here anymore?
Donut: Exactly.
Caboose: [Runs up to the group] 'Sup?
Washington: So you're telling me... that you heard our distress signal... grabbed Doc... hopped on a ship... and then TOLD THE SHIP TO LEAVE!? AND THAT'S YOUR IDEA OF SENDING HELP!?
Donut: What? No! I brought Lopez too!
Lopez: [Reduced to a head next to Lopez 2.0] Que. Carajo. [What. The fuck.]
Sarge: KILL HIM!
[The Reds and Blues rush forward and beat up Donut and Doc]
Donut: Someone get this medium turquoise guy away from me!
Tucker: I'M AQUA!
Locus: [Watching from a cliff ledge] Huh... unfortunate...

Chapter 11: Worst Laid Plans[edit]

  • Tucker: This is it. This is rock bottom. You ever hit rock bottom before, Wash? Well, you have now. This is it. Can't get any lower.
Simmons: [Sniffs] I want to go home...
Tucker: OK, well, maybe I spoke too soon.
Freckles: Attention. Officer on deck.
[Caboose enters]
Caboose: Yes, yes, hello, thank you, yes, hello, thank you, you're welcome, yes, thank you. [Clears throat] Hello.
Freckles: Captain, all team members are accounted for.
Caboose: Well, excellent news, Assistant Captain Freckles.
Tucker: Oh, my lord...
Caboose: Alright. It looks like we have a new member today. Yes, give Simmons a big Blue Team hello! Yes, welcome to Blue Team, Simmons!
Simmons: Can I leave?
Caboose: It's good to have you on board today for the Blue Team.
Freckles: Sir, awaiting mission briefing.
Caboose: Oh, yes, right, oh god, right, yes, um, OK, um... Yes. First order of business is, um... uhh... [Sotto] Wash! Psst, Wash! Washington! Washing-Washington! Wash! Wash! Wash! Wash-
Washington: Yes, Caboose?
Caboose: What is the first order of business?
Washington: We're trying to get rescued.
Caboose: Oh, yes, rescued, yes, excellent! Does anyone have any suggestions?
[Simmons and Tucker look at Washington]
Washington: [Sighs] Well, we know the communications tower works, so we should continue in our efforts to make contact.
Caboose: Ah, yes! Very good, excellent, yes.
Washington: However, we should also work on trying to boost the signal of the radio transmitter. We were barely able to maintain a steady line of communication last time. Even if we make contact again, there's no guarantee anyone would be able to understand us.
Caboose: Oh, yes, oh, yes, right, yes! Yes, then we need to do that! Tucker, go fix the radio thing!
Tucker: Me? Why not Wash? He's the one who built it!
Caboose: Tucker, becau- don't rook it, alright listen. We're gonna keep Wash here for another job.
Washington: But, I- Caboose...
[Freckles turns to Washington]
Washington: [Growls in frustration]
Caboose: Yeah, I'm thinking that, you know, uh, Washington is mean and scary. Yes, yes, he will be our lookout!
Tucker: Lookout?
Caboose: Yes! Washington, make sure you look out for bad guys! And anything that looks scary!
Washington: There's a giant robot trying to kill me.
Tucker: Yeah, why can't Freckles be our lookout? Killing stuff is, like, his entire reason for existing.
Caboose: Well, um, every great leader needs a great best friend, and Freckles, I think you could be that best friend.
Freckles: [Beat] Acknowledged.
Simmons: Um, do I need to do anything?
Caboose: OH MY GOD, A RED! OH MY- Oh, nope, sorry, sorry, it's my bad. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, Simmons, yes Simmons we got- we have to talk about it. Yes, um, Simmons... you do what you, ah, normally do for the Reds. But instead... for the Blues.
Simmons: Uh, yes, sir.
Tucker: Wait, what is your job for the Reds?
Simmons: What do you mean? I just did it.
Caboose: Okay everybody! Aaaaand Team! [Pause] Alright, see you, bye. [Leaves]
Washington: I hope you're happy.
Tucker: Hey, don't pin this shit on me.
Simmons: I'll just... stay here, I guess...
  • Donut: So, what the heck happened? After you guys dropped me off at Valhalla, You guys were supposed to be going back to Blood Gulch.
Grif: Well, funny story...
[Flashback to the ship before it crashed]
Crew Member: Oh my God! Who spilled soda all over my instruments!?
Grif: [Runs to the scene] Oh my God! I spilled my soda!?
[Alarms go off. Return to present]
Grif: Somehow, the ship crashed, but, uh... no one seems to know why or how, or when or...
Sarge: [Runs up to the group] Men!
Grif: I didn't do it! You can't prove that I did it!
  • Dropship Pilot: Hey, can I get some fuel on three?
Voice: You got it.
Dropship Pilot: Thanks. Hey, uh, I'm not really from around here, but, uh, do you know about that crashed spaceship?
Voice: Spaceship?
Dropship Pilot: Yeah. I just dropped off a couple of guys who saw it in the middle of a canyon. It's big. Like, really big.
Voice: No. I can't say I've heard of it.
Dropship Pilot: Really? Oh, man. I mean, someone should report that, right?
Voice: Well, that's up to you.
Dropship Pilot: Yeah, it was pretty bad. You got a phone I could use?
Voice: Sure. Right behind you.
Dropship Pilot: Thanks.
[The Pilot turns around and walks down the ramp, when Locus suddenly shoots him in the back]
Locus: Just so you're aware, no-one's gonna find your ship either. [Shoots him again] Control, this is Locus. Objective complete. Returning to Crash Site Bravo.

Chapter 12: Finders Keepers[edit]

  • Tucker: Ugh, this blows! I don't know the first thing about fixing intergalactic space radios!
Simmons: [Watching the Gravity Lift] Uh huh.
Tucker: Every movie I've ever seen with a repairman in it always glosses over the actual repairing parts. It's just, "Hey, lady! I'm here to lay some pipes!" And then BAM! Two scoops of raisins!
Simmons: Uh huh.
Tucker: Damn it, woman, if you let the man do his job, then maybe we wouldn't be in this mess!
Simmons: Hey, Tucker, what the fuck is this thing?
Tucker: It's a Gravity Lift. You step in it and it takes you upstairs.
Simmons: I know that, but what the fuck is it doing here?
Tucker: It's glowing, and going [Imitates Gravity Lift]
Simmons: So let me get this straight: we're survivors of a shipwreck, living off of the bare necessities, and in the middle of the room is this incredible feat of modern technology.
Tucker: I don't know, Wash found it on the ship and so we put it in the base. What's so weird about that?
Simmons: It's like finding a car made out of rocks, plastic and a Bluetooth radio.
Tucker: Oh, we've got that too. Siri. Play "Song Dance Teen"!
Siri: Did you mean Bomb Andy?
Tucker: Aw, piece of shit!
Siri: Calling Bomb Andy.
Simmons: How are you able to power all of this?
Tucker: We're hooked up to the ship.
Simmons: You mean you have a direct line to a limitless power supply?
Tucker: Well, no, we'll definitely run out of fuel eventually, just not any time soon. So who cares? Take as much as you want.
Simmons: God bless the American way.
Tucker: What are you gonna do?
Simmons: Just a side project. [Steps into the Gravity Lift]
  • Felix: [Watching the Reds and Blues] Holy shit. It's actually them. [Turns and sees Locus activating his cloaking device] Oh no...
  • Doc: Hm... According to the ship's records, it was carrying a lot of standard issue weaponry, but it also has a bunch of stuff listed as "Experimental".
Grif: Ooh, that's military slang for "really fucking dangerous!" Where's that stuff?
Doc: Uh, looks like most of it was on the other half of the ship.
Grif: [Disappointed] Boo...
Doc: But there is one prototype that was kept here.
Grif: Yes!
[Doc types into the keypad and something nearby opens]
Grif: [Finds a line of glowing orange cube grenades] What the fuck are these?
Doc: Looks like some kind of weird grenade. Or it could be a rubix cube. I don't know.
Grif: Huh... [Throws one]
Doc: [Yells] What are you doing!?
Grif: Trying it out.
[The grenade hits some fuel crates. There is an orange flash and the crates disappear]
Grif: [Amazed] Woah!
Doc: You could have killed us!
Grif: Did you see that?
Doc: You can't just go around messing with experimental- [Grif throws another one] Stop doing that!
[There's another orange flash and the crates reappear]
Grif: Dude!
Doc: What is wrong with you!?
Grif: These things are like, teleporter cubes!
Doc: Be careful, we don't know how they work!
Grif: What do you mean? Throw it at a thing, thing disappears. Throw another one, thing reappears. I could keep an entire buffet in the palm of my hand!
Doc: Really? That's what you're excited about?
Sarge: Men! Upstairs! Now!
Doc: Coming! [Runs off]
Grif: Oh, I am taking these!
  • Washington: Hmm... Needs a conductor... [Tries to open a nearby crate] Stupid thing, just open! [Shoots it open] There we go. [Sighs] Never thought it'd come down to this... Sorry, Caboose... [Begins working on something]

Chapter 13: +1 Follower[edit]

  • Washington: What is all this?
Simmons: [Working on a console] It's the future.
Tucker: Where the hell have you been?
Washington: I've been doing what I can to keep us alive.
Tucker: Oh really? Well, then, where were you when Freckles tried to kill me for calling his tiny hat stupid.
Washington: I thought you didn't need me protecting you, Tucker.
Simmons: Hey, guys, I'm trying to revolutionize the world of inter-canyon communication, so if you could just keep it down, that'd be great.
Washington: What is he talking about?
Simmons: I'm talking about... the internet! [Reveals the new "Simmons" search engine]
Computer: Welcome!
Tucker: Oh my God! Everybody leave! Everybody leave right now! There's something I've gotta do!
Washington: The internet?
Tucker: Seriously, you're gonna see some shit if you don't leave.
Simmons: Well, it's not actually the internet. The only two points of communication are Red and Blue Base.
Tucker: [Disappointed] Why would you lie to us like that?
[Tissues and Vaseline are seen in the background]
Washington: You put one of these in Red Base too?
Simmons: Yeah, I had to sneak past Freckles, but it was totally worth it.
Washington: Why?
Simmons: Behold!
[Cut to the "Basebook" homepage]
Washington: Basebook?
Simmons: Yep. It's a site that lets you upload pictures, videos and even text posts so your friends will always know what you're up to. It's revolutionary!
Washington: Revolutionary? The first social media sites were created hundreds of years ago.
Tucker: Also, there are no friends in this canyon, only forced acquaintances.
Simmons: Well, yeah, but those old sites just turned into conglomerations of attention whores. Nothing but teenagers who want to prove they were cool and old people who wanted to prove they were still relevant.
Tucker: So, what's the point of Basebook?
Simmons: Oh, you know, just want to keep in touch with my friends on the Red Team while I'm your prisoner. Can't let them forget about old Simmons. [Laughs, then cries]
Washington: Glad to see you've spent your time in captivity on something meaningful.
Tucker: So you made it. What now?
Simmons: I'm glad you asked. Let's see what Sarge is up to. [Checks the computer] Uh huh... hasn't set up his profile yet... Well, uh... that's cool, um, I'll just wait for an update. Yeah, I'm sure it'll come eventually. He's gotta have an update. [Chuckles] Updates. [Chuckles again]
Washington: You know... maybe you should go outside for a bit, Simmons. I'm sure Caboose wouldn't mind if you got some fresh air.
Simmons: Oh, no, it's all good, really. Um, besides, I can save Sarge some time and make a profile for him. Yeah, that'll be fun! I'll make a post about it too. You know, just so he knows.
[Beat]
Tucker: Hope you like the new Blue Team, Wash. Really worked your magic. [Walks away]
  • Lopez: [SUSPIRO] Otro robot. Que original. ([SIGH] Another robot. How original.)
Felix: Pssst, hey!
Lopez Dos.0: ¿Escuchaste algo? (Did you hear something?)
Felix: Yeah, you, brown guy, over here.
Lopez Dos.0: Mierda, ¿quién es ese? (Holy shit, who is that?)
Lopez: ¿Quién es qué? No puedo ver. (Who is what? I can't see.)
Felix: Hey, don't move, just listen. You and your friends are in a lot of trouble.
Lopez Dos.0: ¡¿Qué?!(What?!)
Lopez: En serio, ¿qué carajo está pasando? (Seriously, what the fuck is going on?)
Felix: I'm gonna get you guys out of here, OK? But, listen, you've gotta sit tight for just a little while longer. [Sighs] I'm not the only one that has their eyes on you.
Lopez Dos.0: ¿Espera qué significa eso? (What does that mean?)
Felix: [Sighs] I've gotta go. Look, I know you people can fend for yourselves, just... be careful.
Lopez Dos.0: ¿Ten cuidado? ¿Por qué? ¿Quiénos está mirándonos? (Be careful? Why? Who is watching us?)
Lopez: VUELTA. ME. ALREDEDOR. (TURN. ME. AROUND.)
[Lopez Dos.0 looks back and Felix is gone]
Lopez Dos.0: ¡Se ha ido! (He's gone!)
Lopez: ¿Ido? (Gone?)
Lopez Dos.0: ¡Desapareció! (Vanished!)
Lopez:¿Era un hombre de los Batos? (Was he Batman?)
Lopez Dos.0: ¡López, tenemos que decirle a alguien! (Lopez, we have to tell somebody!)
Lopez: No puedes estar hablando en serio. (You can't be serious.)
Lopez Dos.0: ¡SARGENTO! ¡SARGENTO! (SARGE! SARGE!)
Sarge: Hmm? You talkin' to me?
Lopez Dos.0: ¡UN HOMBRE ESTABA AQUÍ! ¡DIJO QUE ESTÁBAMOS EN PELIGRO! ¡TENEMOS QUE-! (A MAN WAS JUST HERE! HE SAID WE WERE IN DANGER! HE SAID WE HAVE TO-)
Sarge: Dos.0, why don't you quit your yappin' and make yourself useful? Can't you see I'm trying to build your replacement? I mean, uh, I'm trying to... build your... Well, yeah, he's pretty much your replacement.

Chapter 14: Reconciliation[edit]

  • Donut: [Looking at a picture of himself and Doc in Valhalla] Pretty neat, huh?
Doc: So, who uses this?
Donut: Mainly just Simmons and Caboose. Oh wait, it looks like Sarge has a profile now. Like!
Doc: And you just talk about yourself?
Donut: You can post pictures and stuff too. I've been downloading this picture of Freckles for a while now.
[The download is 16% completed]
Doc: How long has that been going for?
Donut: Oh, just a few hours.
Doc: You spent hours of our limited energy just downloading a single picture?
Donut: It is a very high quality picture.
[The download is 17% completed]
Doc: [Beat] Well, you can't argue with that. So, is this all you did while we were out last night?
Donut: Nope, I cleaned this place from top to bottom. It was the least I could do to make it look more presentable. I did the dishes, swept sand off the floor...
Doc: Wow. Did you clean Grif's room?
Donut: Grif has a room?
Doc: Well, he and Simmons share that side of the base, but Grif's stuff kind of overflowed onto the roof.
Donut: Ooh, let me take a peek. [Leaves]
Doc: [Looks at the picture of himself and Donut] Oh my gosh! If this photo gets over 10,000 likes, Basebook will pay for a rescue team to come save us!
[Donut exclaims]
Doc: I know, it sounds too good to be true!
  • Washington: Well, we're shipwrecked, low on food and have to do whatever Caboose tells us or we'll be killed by a robot.
Tucker: Sounds like you really fucked up.
Washington: Yeah, it kinda looks that way.
Tucker: But... I guess you weren't really our leader when the ship crashed, so you don't have to take the blame for that one.
[Flashback to inside the ship. The lights go out]
Washington: Whoops. Sorry, knocked the cable out of the wall. Hope that wasn't important.
[Alarms go off. Return to present]
Washington: Heh... I'll take some of the blame.
Tucker: Whatever.
  • Locus: [To a group of soldiers in white armor] You four, with me. We're going hunting.

Chapter 15: Neighborhood Watch[edit]

  • Lopez Dos.0: ¿Un espantapájaros? [A scarecrow!?]
Lopez: Si. [Yup.]
Lopez Dos.0: ¿Te dejaron pasar el rato con todas las verduras? [They just left you to hang out with all the vegetables?]
Lopez: Toma noventa días para cultivar maíz. [It takes about 90 days to grow corn.]
Lopez Dos.0: ¡Eso es terrible! [That's terrible!]
Lopez: Que no era lo mejor. [It was not the best.]
Sarge: Hey, Lopezes! Why don't you two come over here and give me a hand? I always gotta get on my knees to work on this thing. But I figured it'd be easier if you just held it at chest level instead.
Lopez Dos.0: ¡Sí, señor! [Yes, sir!]
Lopez: Espera. Hay una cosa acerca de esta gente que no me gusta. [Wait. There is one thing about these people I do like.]
Lopez Dos.0: ¿Qué? [What?]
Lopez: ¡Sargento! ¿Por qué no quieres ponerte de rodillas? ¿Tienes miedo que traerá de vuelta recuerdos reprimidos? [Hey, Sarge! Why don't you want to get on your knees? Afraid it will bring back some repressed memories?]
Sarge: [Chuckles] Oh, Lopez, you old kidder, you! Now come on, time's wasting.
[Lopez Dos.0 looks at Lopes, then at Sarge]
Lopez Dos.0: ¡Oye Sargento! ¡Hueles! [Hey, Sarge... You smell!]
Sarge: Hah! Oh, now don't tell me he's got you in on it too! [Laughs] Lopez, you are rambunctious!
Lopez: A veces él conforma conversaciones. ¡Eres un inútil! [Sometimes he makes up entire conversations. You suck!]
Sarge: It is a lovely day, isn't it?
Lopez Dos.0: Y no eres inteligente. [And you aren't smart.]
Sarge: Thank you for noticing. I've been hitting the gym.
Lopez: Tu madre es tan gorda que usa una escala de richter. [Your mother's so fat she uses a richter scale.]
Lopez Dos.0: ¡Y ella es una puta! [And she's a whore!]
Sarge: [Laughs] You guys are like a couple of three stooges. Well, whenever you two are done goofin' off, head on over. I just need to make a few more adjustments.
Lopez: Quédate conmigo, chico. Y te irá bien. [Stick with me, kid. And you're going to be just fine.]
  • Caboose: Yes, hello, what seems to be the problem, Agent Washington?
[Long Pause]
Washington: [Sighs] I'm sorry, Caboose. I'm sorry your best friend left you without saying goodbye. Maybe he thought you would try to stop him, or maybe it was just too hard for him to tell you, but... no matter the reason, he's still gone. He left you. Both of you. I don't really do... emotional things. And I hoped you might be able to get over this by yourself so I left you alone. And instead of coming to terms with what you lost, you replaced it with... well... [Looks at Freckles] ...the first thing you found. But I should have been there for you, Caboose. [Sighs] Because... that's what friends do for each other.
Freckles: Captain Caboose is not your friend. He is your Commanding-
Caboose: Um, no, we're all friends here, Freckles, it's, you know...
Washington: That's right. And as your friend, I want to say that I'm sorry. I know it's not much, but... I made you this. [Reveals a blue Mark V helmet]
Caboose: Oh my God! My old helmet!
Freckles: Captain Caboose, you should return to your duties.
Washington: I know how much you like Freckles, Caboose, but you have to understand that he's very dangerous. He's not a puppy anymore. Uh, kitten. Or... m- He's really big.
Caboose: Yeah... he blew up a car.
Washington: I remember that.
Caboose: [Walks up to Freckles] Freckles... You-you are one of the best machines I know. And that is saying something, because... I have been friends with a lot of machines. But... no one... I think you should listen to Agent Washington.
Freckles: Are you sure?
Caboose: Yeah, yeah, he's very smart, really nice.
Freckles: Acknowledged.
Caboose: You can be leader again if you want to, Wash. It's not as much fun as it looks. Yeah, I think I'm more of the dashing second-in-command kind of person, you know? All perks, no work.
Washington: Thank you, Caboose.
Simmons: [Sniffles] I wish my team was this emotional.
  • Sarge: What in Sam Hill's goin' on over here!?
Grif: Who were those guys?!
Washington: We don't know.
Tucker: They showed up and just started shooting!
Lopez Dos.0: Oh hombre ... De repente me siento mal por. (Oh man... I suddenly feel bad for not warning everyone.)
Sarge: Shut up, Lopez. This isn't the time for jokes!
Lopez Dos.0: Y ahora no me arrepiento de nada. (And now I regret nothing.)
Washington: Let's move inside! We need to find cover in case there's more hiding out in the--
Felix: [Runs in front of the Blood Gulch Crew] RUN! [Blocks a sniper bullet with his Hardlight Shield]
Simmons: Look out! It's another one!
Felix: [Gets shot in the leg] OW! SON OF A BITCH!
Simmons: No, wait, I'm confused.
Felix: [Groans] What are you doing!? I said run!
Locus: Excellent work, soldiers. [Deactivates his cloaking device] You killed my men. I suppose that makes you the real deal.
Simmons: OK, now I'm really confused.
Locus: Quiet. All of you, come with me.
Washington: And why would we do that?
Locus: Because if you don't come now, I'll have to take you later.
Felix: Fuck off!
Locus: You, shut your mouth and be glad I missed your head.
Felix: Oh, my God, you're such a douchebag!
Tucker: Yeah, what he said!
Locus: This is your last chance.
Washington: Freckles!
[Freckles steps forward and fires at Locus, who activates his cloaking device]
Grif: Holy shit! Did you see that?
Caboose: No! What happened!? Please describe it to me! Use only small words!
Felix: Um... any of you know how to patch up a leg?
Doc: I'll go get some orange juice.
Felix: Wait, that's a thing?

Chapter 16: F.A.Q.[edit]

  • Doc: [Healing Felix] There. Good as new.
Felix: I can't feel my toes.
Donut: That's normal.
Felix: Is it? [Washington points his gun at him] Hey, whoa!
Washington: You need to start talking.
Felix: Hmm, aggressive, paranoid, and a little melodramatic... you must be Agent Washington.
Tucker: Ha! Melodramatic!
Felix: And that means the rest of you are the Reds and the Blues.
Caboose: Oh, my God! How did he know that!?
Grif: We're wearing red and blue armor.
Caboose: But how could he tell!?
Grif: Will somebody please fix his helmet!?
Washington: How do you know who we are?
Felix: Seriously? Come on, man, everybody knows about you guys. You're heroes.
Sarge: Heroes?
Felix: You're the team that brought down Project Freelancer. You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers.
[Pause]
Simmons: Well, I can see how you might think that.
Sarge: Because it's absolutely true!
Doc: It's partially true.
Grif: But mainly false.
Washington: Stop giving him information. [To Felix] What's your name?
Felix: Felix.
Washington: OK, Felix. What are you doing here?
Felix: Do you want the long answer or the short one?
Washington: Do you want another bullet in your leg?
Felix: Hey, that bullet's there because of you!
Tucker: He's got a point.

Chapter 17: Ready... Aim...[edit]

  • Tucker: [Fixing Caboose's helmet] Alright, how's that?
Caboose: Nope, still can't see.
Tucker: Open your eyes.
Caboose: Oh, my God, the graphics are incredible!
Tucker: You're welcome.
Caboose: [Relieved sigh] Oh, thanks, Tucker. Oh... You know, you and I have had our differences in the past. I have called you stupid, you have called me stupid, I have tried to kill you...
Tucker: Uh huh.
Caboose: But you know, at the end of the day, I like to think that you and I are actually...
[There is a sparking noise and Caboose's voice becomes incredibly muffled]
Tucker: What?
Caboose: [Quiet] What?
Tucker: I can barely hear you.
Caboose: You can't hear me?
Tucker: Damn it, I think fixing your visor somehow broke your radio.
Caboose: Tucker! Can you hear me!?
Tucker: Just stand still! [Walks over to Caboose]
  • Donut: Well, it just goes to show that with time, effort and a little bit of elbow grease, we really can achieve wonders.
Tucker: We spent hours turning this place into a warzone, and you made me hate it in one sentence.
Grif: It's what he does.
Washington: [Wearing his old steel colored armor] Donut's got a point, though. I think we're ready.
Donut: Ooh, back in black! Looks good, Wash!
Caboose: Now there's something that brings back some memories. Like when we first met. And then we met again, and you shot Donut.
Washington: I'm impressed, guys. This place looks good. And between the land mines, Freckles and the tank, I don't think anyone's going to stand a chance against us.
[A missile hits the side of Blue Base]
Sarge: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Simmons: Sarge!?
Grif: Oh shit! They're here!
Washington: Everyone get ready!
Felix: No, wait, this isn't right. Locus wouldn't attack like this.
Tucker: Well, who else on this planet wants us dead!?
[Cut to Lopez Dos.0 chasing Sarge with Cyclops' body]
Lopez Dos.0: [In CC's voice] ¡Sí! ¡Sí! ¡Mira quién es estúpido ahora, Sargento! ¡Es USTED! [Yes! Yes! Look who's stupid now, Sarge! It's YOU!]
Sarge: Dos.0, cease fire! No mas! NO MAS!
Grif: Dos.0?
Lopez Dos.0: DISPARANDO CAÑONES PRINCIPALES. [FIRING MAIN CANNONS.]
[Freckles shoots at Lopez Dos.0]
Lopez Dos.0: Ow!
Caboose: Freckles!
Freckles: Deadly threat authorized.
Lopez Dos.0: Ay bien. ¡El maldito perro quiere protegerlos! Ahora. [Oh great. The fucking dog wants to protect them now! Wonderful.]
Donut: Yes! Giant robot fight! Totally called that on Basebook.

Chapter 18: Fire[edit]

  • Simmons: I hooked up Freckles, but for some reason, he's not getting any power!
Washington: What do you mean? We should have plenty!
Simmons: I know, but it's all being diverted somewhere else! I don't know what it could be!
Washington: Well, where's it all going!?
Simmons: [Types into the computer] Red Base?
Donut: Uh oh... [Simmons and Washington look at him] I, uh, think I know what it is.
[Pan over to the picture of Freckles now being 57% complete]
Washington: DOWNLOADING A PICTURE ON BASEBOOK IS DRAINING OUR ENTIRE POWER SUPPLY?!
Donut: It is a very high quality picture.
Washington: HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE!?
Simmons: We've gotta cancel the download!
Donut: But we're pinned down!

Chapter 19: Lost But Not Forgotten[edit]

  • Simmons: It's a small rebel army, Grif!
Grif: It's poor customer service!
Simmons: You were eating everything!
Grif: I'm an emotional eater, what can I say!?
Caboose: Tucker?
[Tucker walks up to the trio]
Tucker: Hey.
Grif: 'Sup?
Tucker: Man, what the fuck is going on?
Simmons: After you were knocked out, we were taken to this huge cave somewhere beneath the jungle.
Tucker: These guys live in a cave?
Simmons: They're rebels! Of course they live in a cave, it's hidden.
Grif: Nah, I'm with Tucker. I was expecting some badass snow base or something.
Simmons: What? Why?
Grif: That's what they had in Star Wars.
Simmons: How is that even relevant?
Grif: Tell me this is not just like Star Wars. Tell me!
Caboose: Tucker does have a glowing sword...
Grif: Tucker has a glowing sword, Simmons!
Tucker: Man... we're really all that made it?
  • Locus: We searched Crash Site Bravo, sir.
Computer: And?
Locus: The crate was recovered. Intact and completely sealed.
Computer: Wonderful news.
Locus: However, it looks as if they tried to blast it open. Do you think they knew?
Computer: Highly unlikely. Report back to control as soon as possible, Locus.
Locus: Are you sure keeping them alive was the best course of action?
Computer: Do you feel threatened by the simulation troopers, Locus?
Locus: Of course not.
Computer: Then you will continue with out endeavors as previously discussed. Do I make myself clear?
Locus: [Suspicious] Yes, sir.
[Cut to Carolina in an unknown location]
Carolina: Good. I'll be there before you know it.

Season 12[edit]

Chapter 1: Oh Captains, My Captains[edit]

  • Smith: Red Team, this is Blue Team. We are in position, how copy? Over.
Simmons' Lieutenant: Blue Team, this is Red Team, I copy. Blue in position, over.
Smith: Gold Team, this is Blue Team. All units are in position and awaiting further instructions, what is your status? Over.
[No response]
Smith: Gold Team 2-3, this is Blue Team 1-2. Radio check, over.
Bitters: Uh, yeah, we're here, Blue Team.
Smith: Gold Team, I repeat, what is your status? Over.
Bitters: Uhh... we're pretty good?
Smith: What?
Bitters: Actually, uh, we were wondering if we could maybe change our name to, uh, Orange team.
Smith: What difference does it make?!
[Cut to Grif on the radio]
Grif: You tell them it makes a big difference, Bitters, because I am orange! I am not gold! I am not yellow! I am fucking orange!
Simmons: Grif!
[Grif turns to look at Simmons and Caboose standing beside a door]
Simmons: Get off the radio! The teams are fine!
Grif: The teams suck!
Simmons: You're gonna blow our cover!
Grif: [Groans] Alright, we'll be gold. [Flips off Simmons and speaks on the radio] Go tell the Blue Team to suck a dick and then get in position.
Bitters: Whatever you say, Captain.
  • Grif: What the fuck was that?
Simmons: What?
Grif: Did you just stroke out for a second? You sounded like Caboose.
Caboose: Um, if he's me, can I be him?
Grif: Shut up.
Caboose: Look at me, I'm smart, I like slide rules and protractors! Oh, I can't wait to go do some protracting!
Simmons: So, I still have problems talking to girls, big deal!
Grif: Yeah, it is! Especially when your squad consists entirely of girls! Now man up!
Simmons: Oh no, this is like Junior High all over again!
Grif: What?
Simmons: Why do I have to play in the women's league!? I want to be a mathlete, Dad, a mathlete!
Caboose: OK, I don't want to be Simmons anymore.

Chapter 2: Hit and Run[edit]

  • Felix: It doesn't look good guys. They've really beefed up their security.
Rogers: Why? What's going on?
Felix: Well, it could be that someone from up top is coming to visit, or it could be a response to the weapons I stole from this place a few weeks ago.
Tucker: [Sarcastic] Gee, I wonder which one it is.
Palomo: Uhh, I mean, I think it's pretty obvious it's the weapons...
Tucker: Stop talking.
Felix: We're gonna have to go with plan B.
Tucker: Wait, what do you mean? What's plan B?
Felix: We plant C4, we leave, and we blow this outpost to hell.
Tucker: What?
Felix: It's a standard hit and run. I've done it a million times, we'll be fine.
Tucker: Uh, actually no, we'll not be fine! I thought you said we came here to gather intelligence. That's gonna be pretty fucking difficult when their computer system is in about forty thousand pieces!
Felix: OK, I get that you want to save your friends, I do, really, but data retrieval is no longer an option. Once we find out where they're holding Wash and the others, the New Republic will do everything they can to save them. [Sighs] But today isn't that day.
Tucker: [Sighs] Yeah, whatever.
Felix: Now, we've only got one active camo unit. Tucker, that's going to you. It's a little damaged so try not to run it constantly, only when you need to disappear.
Tucker: Got it.
Felix: As for the rest of you, that's up to your Captain.
Tucker: Oh, right! [Activates his sword]
  • Tucker: [Pointing a sticky detonator to a Fed Soldier's head] Don't move!
Fed: [Turning] What the?
Tucker: I said don't move! Turning is moving!
Fed: [Turns back] Ugh...
Tucker: Alright, I want like a hard drive or something. With base locations. And classified shit. And any info you've got on Agent Washington and the other guys you kidnapped a while back.
Fed: OK, just take it easy.
Rogers: [Over radio] Captain, we're almost done. Where are you?
Tucker: I'm in the lab. Give me a second.
Felix: [Over radio] You're what!?
Tucker: Chill out, dude, I've got this.
Felix: Are you fucking kidding me!? I specifically told you not to--
[Tucker cuts off the transmission]
Tucker: Thank you, mute button.
Fed: Alright, the files are copying over to a flash drive.
Tucker: Sweet. [Knocks out the soldier] Ha ha, look who's dumb now!
[Cunningham comes up behind Tucker]
Cunningham: Hey!
Tucker: I surrender.
Cunningham: No, sir, it's me, Cunningham.
Tucker: Oh, right.
Cunningham: You turned off your radio. Everything OK?
Tucker: Yeah, sorry, I was kind of in the middle of something.
Cunningham: Well, we've gotta go, like now.
Tucker: Right, Absolutely. [Looks at the download] Just one more minute.
Cunningham: Sir, but I think the Feds are onto us.
Tucker: OK, OK, we can goooo... [The download completes. Tucker grabs the drive and activates his camo] ...Now!
[A shotgun blast is heard, followed by the sound of Cunningham's body hitting the floor. Cut to Locus lowering his shotgun, with two Fed Troopers behind him]
Tucker: [Whispering] Oh shit...
[Locus steps forward and examines Cunningham's body]
Palomo: [Over radio] C-Cunningham? Uh, everything OK? Jason? M-man, what's going on? Guys? Uh... Cunningham isn't responding.
Locus: We've been infiltrated. Sound the alarm.
[The two Fed Troopers leave. Locus glances at the "transfer complete" computer display and the Fed Tucker knocked out. Locus raises his gun and slowly walks forward. Cut to Locus approaching from Tucker's point of view. "Equipment Malfunction" flashes on Tucker's HUD. Locus hears an explosion and turns around right as Tucker's camo fails]
Locus: Grrr... [Leaves the lab]
[Tucker looks at the bodies of Cunningham and the Fed Trooper]
Tucker: [Quietly] Ah, fuck...
Felix: [Over radio] God damn it! Everyone move! We are aborting the mission!
[Cut to three Feds searching the roof. A bomb explodes, sending them flying]
Felix: I detonated some of the C4 as a distraction, so get out now!
[Cut to Rogers planting a bomb and running away]
Felix: There's a good chance they'll be searching for and disarming the bombs.
Rogers: Ah, man...

Chapter 3: Something Else Entirely[edit]

  • Caboose: Tucker!
Tucker: If you hug me, I will shoot you.
Caboose: Oh, it's OK, Tucker, I know you're more into groping. Come on, let's grope!
Grif: When did you get back?
Tucker: A little while ago?
Simmons: What happened?
[Felix enters]
Felix: Oh, I'll tell you what happened. Captain Tucker here decided to disobey orders and took it upon himself to recover a hard drive full of Federal Army secrets. A decision that only cost him the lives of two of his men. [Long pause] That's a pretty damn good trait if I do say so myself!
Tucker: What?
Felix: [Chuckles] Man, you should have seen this guy! He was all "I don't play by the rules", fucking James Bonding and shit all over the place, it was crazy!
Tucker: But wait, I thought you were pissed!
Felix: Ho ho, do not get me wrong. I wanted to beat your worthless skull into the ground until it was paste. But look where we are now! You took a risk and it paid off.
Tucker: Paid off!? Dude, two of our guys are dead!
Felix: And two more will probably die tomorrow. Seriously, what don't you people get about that?
[Kimball enters]
Kimball: That's enough, Felix.
Felix: [Clears throat] Just saying.
Kimball: Tucker. Your choice cost two men their lives. But it also granted us access to valuable information. Whether or not this was the right thing to do is a conclusion you'll have to come to on your own. I'll leave it at that. Right now, the six of us need to have a talk.
Grif: Could it not be as depressing as the talk we're having right now?
Kimball: I know where your friends are.
Simmons: You do?
Grif: Woah...
Caboose: Yay! I have friends!
Felix: Woah, when did this happen?
Kimball: I kept digging through the files Tucker brought back. There wasn't much to go off of but eventually I found them. ...And from the looks of it, they've been moved around a bit.
Simmons: Finally, we can rescue Sarge and everything will go back to normal! Isn't that great, Grif?
Grif: "Great" is a strong word, Simmons. I'd have gone with "tolerable".
Kimball: Don't celebrate just yet. As I said, they've been moving around fairly regularly. And from the looks of things, it isn't going to stop. Right now, they're held up in a compound just north of a nearby mountain range. But in about a week, it sounds like they'll be transferred to the Capital, a place that is very, very out of our reach.
Simmons: So, then we go get them now? Is that... that's something we can do, right?
Felix: The compound she's talking about is twice the size of the one Tucker and I raided. Breaking in would be suicide. Breaking someone out would be... like, suicide and a bunch of puppies dying.
Tucker: How do you know?
Felix: Because I've tried, and, uh, spoiler alert, it didn't go well.
Caboose: Were the puppies OK?
Felix: Kimball, please talk some sense into these guys.
Caboose: Yes, I'm sorry, can we get back to the puppies?
Kimball: When I first heard about you four, I envisioned strong, daring, respectable soldiers.
Grif: ...buuut...
Kimball: But... now that I've come to know you, I found that you're something else entirely. It turns out you're all a bunch of--
Simmons: Cowards.
Tucker: Idiots.
Grif: Losers?
Caboose: Spacemen.
Kimball: Misfits. You're oddballs that don't exactly fit in. Which is why my men all look up to you and why morale has been at an all-time high; because they can relate to you. Because together we're an army of underdogs and outcasts. But, as of right now, I cannot authorize a rescue mission of this scale.
[The Reds and Blues look down in disappointment]
Kimball: Interestingly enough, you work well when you fight together. But, individually, you still haven't shown what it takes to lead others. Which is why I'm giving you five days.
[The Reds and Blues look up at Kimball]
Kimball: Five days to assemble a smaller team. One comprised of the best of each of your platoons. And if you can convince me that you're ready by the end of those five days, then you will have my support.
Tucker: Five days!?
Grif: That's not really a lot of time.
Kimball: Well, it's all you've got.
[Beat]
Felix: Yeah, um, if this is really happening, I'd like to be paid in advance.

Chapter 4: Teaming with Problems[edit]

  • Simmons: [Clears throat] Hello, welcome, everyone. Thank you for joining us here. Uh, why don't we all just go down the line and introduce ourselves.
Caboose: Um, hi. Ah yes. My name is Michael J. Caboose.
Soldiers: Hi, Michael.
Simmons: No, I meant the recruits. Why would we need to introduce ourselves? They already know us.
Caboose: Yes, but do they know the real us?
Tucker: What does that even mean?
Caboose: Well, that's a very interesting question, Tucker, why don't you elaborate on those feelings?
Tucker: Ugh! just state your name.
Simmons: And tell us a fun fact about yourself.
Grif: Really?
Smith: [Clears throat] Permission to speak, sir.
Tucker: Uh, go for it?
Smith: Thank you, sir. Lieutenant John...
Grif: Hey, G.I. Joe, could you drop the act? We don't have all day.
Smith: Oh, um, very good, sir. My friends call me Smith. I've served the New Republic faithfully for several years. And I believe Captain Caboose is one of the wisest individuals I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Sir!
Grif: Great, another kiss-ass.
Simmons: You mean our Caboose?
Smith: Yes, sir.
Simmons: This one right here?
Smith: Correct.
Simmons: The blue one?
Tucker: OK, moving on. Next!
Jensen: Hello, everyone! I'm Katie Jensen, I enjoy vehicle maintenance, biology, uh... [Begins choking]
[Jensen falls over, gagging]
Grif: Uh, should we do something?
Jensen: [Gets back up, coughing] Sorry. Choked on my own spit.
Tucker: Simmons, what the fuck is this?
Simmons: It was either her or the really hot one that plays Volleyball.
Tucker: Then what the fuck is this!?
Simmons: She makes me less nervous, OK!? Just leave me alone!
Grif: Next!
Bitters: I'm Bitters, my fun fact is I don't have a fun fact.
Grif: Total... maverick.
Palomo: And last but not least...
Tucker: [Groans]
Palomo: Private Palomo, Slayer of Women, Woo-er of Evil. Wait...
Simmons: Is that four fun fact?
Palomo: Oh, uh, I'm the only surviving member of green team. Suck on that.
Tucker: I fucking hate you, Palomo.
  • Caboose: And I will put Kool-Aids in all the water fountains! And we won't have to wear uniforms anymore! If Principal Kimball will allow us double RECESS! RECESS! Recess!
Tucker: Caboose, you're not running for Class President!
Smith: No, don't you see? We won't need uniforms anymore because the war will finally be over. Kimball will send us out into the world and we'll never have to raise another gun ever again. My God, he has such a way with words.
Grif: Is this guy for real?
Simmons: Wait, but what about the Kool-Aids in the water fountains?
Smith: Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.

Chapter 5: Training Daze[edit]

  • Jensen: Eureka!
Tucker: Is it working?
Palomo: Hello! Can you hear me!?
Bitters: Yes, Jesus! What's the point of this again?
Tucker: This is going to make you all better fighters. Tell 'em, Simmons.
Simmons: Jensen and I have installed capture software into all of our helmets allowing us to transmit what we see on the battlefield to a local server.
Palomo: Wait, do they only record on the battlefield or are they recording all the time?
Simmons: All the time, duh.
Palomo: Uh, I don't know how I feel about that.
Tucker: Dude, it's fine.
Palomo: But what if it records me doing something embarrassing like looking at Jensen's butt or something!?
Jensen: Excuse me!?
Simmons: Just don't look at Jensen's butt, Palomo.
Palomo: Well, now I'm way more aware of her butt than usual and it's throwing me off!
Tucker: Palomo!
Palomo: You know what? I'm just going to look at the ceiling!
Bitters: I still don't see how this is supposed to make us any better.
Tucker: It's like this: sometimes you're with a lady, right? And she wants to spice things up. So, you're like "boom" - video camera. And she's into it and then you're like "ahh yeah", but what's even better is that later you can go back and look at those tapes and figure out what was really working and what you can do better.
Smith: So, it's like football coaches reviewing clips of past games?
Tucker: Sure, I mean if you're into football coaches and that works better for you, I guess. No judgments.
Grif: Alright, we're good to go.
Simmons: You set up the training weapons?
Grif: I told someone else to set up the training weapons.
Simmons: You make a great manager.
Grif: I've said it for years.
Simmons: Sorry, I meant "terrible". You'd make a terrible manager.
Grif: Whatever. You say "tomato", I order a subordinate to say "to-mah-to".
  • Tucker: Hey!
Felix: You know, I have to admit, I've never seen these guys laugh so much before.
Tucker: Why are you being so hard on us!?
Felix: Come again?
Tucker: All we need is a green light from you, and Kimball lets us save our friends! So why the hell can't you just lighten up for once!?
Felix: Because you will die! [Beat] You know, for people who have done so much, you really are just a bunch of idiots, aren't you?
Tucker: That's what we said from the start!
Felix: Then why are you still trying to be something you're not!?
Kimball: FELIX!
Felix: Whether you go is ultimately up to her. But risking the lives of more people? That's on you.
Tucker: I thought you didn't care about losing people!
Felix: I don't. But you do. [Leaves]
Kimball: We need to talk.
Tucker: [Sighs] Can it not be as depressing as the talk we're having right now?
Kimball: Well, I can't make any promises.

Chapter 6: Reflections[edit]

  • Kimball: I like to come down here when I need to think. It's peaceful.
Tucker: It's really... glowy.
Kimball: That's the algae. Don't touch it, it's radioactive.
Tucker: Oh, tranquil.
Kimball: Tucker, I'd like to apologize for Felix's behavior. He was out of line.
Tucker: Yeah, he's kind of an asshole.
Kimball: He's just worried.
Tucker: Right. I could really feel his concern when he dislocated my shoulder yesterday.
Kimball: He puts on a tough guy act, but... deep down, I know he cares about you guys.
Tucker: Kimball, I hate to break it to you, but the dude doesn't give a shit about any of this. He's just in it for the money.
Kimball: It's... more complicated than that.
Tucker: Oh. Are you banging?
Kimball: Jesus, no!
Tucker: Just sayin'. Guy does stuff for money...
Kimball: We are not banging.
Tucker: [Slyly] So you're single?
Kimball: Felix may not be fighting for the same reasons we are, but he has more than enough motivation to win this war.
Tucker: What do you mean?
Kimball: Things weren't always this bad. The tides have turned time and time again, and we've come so close to victory, only to be pushed back to the brink of defeat. But, whenever things looked their worst, Felix was there with vehicles or weapons or even just a plan of attack. I never wanted to be a soldier, Tucker. None of us did. But Felix? He chose this lifestyle, and he chose it because he's good at it.
Tucker: You know, for his boss, you really make it sound like you need him more than he needs you.
Kimball: Well, I wasn't always his boss. He was in this fight before I was even an officer.
Tucker: What?
Kimball: Tucker, I am the fourth person to lead the New Republic.
Tucker: And I repeat. What!?
Kimball: Our first leader was killed in action. The second was assassinated at what we had been told would be a peace treaty. And the third was blown out of the sky while trying to leave Chorus for help.
[Tucker has moved away from Kimball]
Kimball: What are you doing?
Tucker: Call me crazy, but I suddenly don't feel as safe around you.
Kimball: [Chuckles] I guess my position does have a pretty quick turnover.
Tucker: [Walks back over to her] OK, now you're talking my language.
Kimball: Touch me and you'll sink to the bottom of this lake.
Tucker: No touching!
Kimball: That's what I thought.
Tucker: So Felix has been on the Rebels' payroll for a long time. What makes you think he won't just up and leave whenever he's made enough money? I know I would. [Coughs] I mean, if I wasn't so invested in your cause.
Kimball: Like I said: Felix has more than enough motivation to win this war. The thing that keeps him fighting? It's the same thing that's kept us from victory for so long. It's what took your friends. It's Locus.
[Pause]
Tucker: Whaaaat?
  • Tucker: What does Locus have to do with any of this?
Kimball: When the Federal Army heard we had hired a mercenary to help our side, they decided to do the same. But they didn't just find any contract killer. They found Felix's oldest rival. His ex-partner, Locus.
Tucker: So you're telling me Felix used to be friends with that psycho?
Kimball: Not exactly. They fought together in the great war and their squad saw one of the worst battles in UNSC history. Felix and Locus never got along. They fought over everything, but, considering what they were up against, they banded together. And they survived. But... surviving isn't always enough. When the war was over, many soldiers had a difficult time returning to civilian life. And some of them weren't able to return at all. Felix and Locus were always competitive, but when Locus signed up with the Feds, I think Felix took it as a final challenge.
Tucker: Final challenge?
Kimball: Locus knew that his mission would mean killing his former ally, but he took it anyway. Either the money was too good or... Locus wanted to know once and for all which of them was better. We all have our reasons for fighting, Tucker. And I know that yours are your friends. Your five days are almost up, and I don't know when we're going to get another chance like this.
Tucker: You know, I think I respond better to positive reinforcement.
Kimball: I'm just saying you should make the most out of the time you have left. Your squad may be improving slowly, but they're improving nonetheless. You just need to keep trying.
Tucker: Right, because that's been working so well.
Kimball: Feel free to come by my office if you ever need anything, Tucker. [Leaves]

Chapter 7: Self Assessment[edit]

  • Simmons: What do you mean "leaving"? Where are we going?
Caboose: Ah! Is it to the park!? Oh, I know! It's the beach! Wait a minute, you're not taking me to that, are you?
Tucker: No, we're going to break into that compound and bust out our friends.
Simmons: But we still have some time left to train the squad. Why would we leave now?
Tucker: Because the squad's not coming with us.
Caboose: Are they going in a separate car?
Tucker: No.
Caboose: Ah, so they're flying. You know, I have an extra bag to check, is that going to be a problem? 'cause...
Tucker: No, Caboose, we're going on this mission alone!
Caboose: Alone with the squad, got it.
  • Bitters: Hey Matthews, have you seen the Reds and Blues around? Can't find them.
Matthews: No, but that might explain why two of our jeeps are missing.
[Cut to the squad listening to a recorded message]
Simmons' voice: Hello, everyone. If you're listening to this, it means we're already gone.
Tucker's voice: Look, it's not you, it's us.
Caboose's voice: Tell them not to leave the lights on!
Grif's voice: Caboose, not now!
Caboose's voice: I miss you already! I promise we'll call!
[Recording ends]
Kimball: Damn it, Tucker.
Palomo: They just... left us?
[Felix enters]
Felix: Who left us? [Pause] Oh no.
  • Soldier 1: So what's the word?
Jackson: Control says to give it 30 more minutes.
Soldier 2: Ugh! This is a waste of time!
Soldier 1: Agreed.
Grif: Who are these guys?
Tucker: Well, they're definitely not the gas station attendants.
Grif: Wow, Tucker, I can really see why you're the leader.
Tucker: Up yours!
Simmons: Quiet! I can't hear what they're saying!
Jackson: You know what they say: Orders are orders.
[Locus' voice speaks to him]
Locus: Jackson.
Jackson: Yes, Locus?
Locus: Change of plans. Report back to base immediately. The Reds and Blues will be requiring... an escort.
Jackson: Understood. You heard him. Grab the gear and prep for evac.

Chapter 8: Thin Ice[edit]

  • [Bitters is trying to shoot a cone]
Palomo: Missed... [Bitters shoots] Missed... [Bitters shoots] Missed...
Bitters: Palomo, I know when I miss. [Shoots]
Palomo: Are you missing on purpose?
Bitters: Alright, that's it! [Beats up Palomo]
Palomo: It was a legitimate question!
Bitters: Am I missing now!?
Jensen: [Sighs]
Smith: Well... I spoke with Kimball... Search and rescue has been denied.
Bitters: Yeah, well, good riddance. They never cared about us anyway.
Jensen: How could you say that? They left because they didn't want us getting hurt.
Bitters: Yeah, well, what do you call this? They didn't take us to get shot, but they sure as hell left us to die!
Jensen: W-we don't know that... they could come back.
Smith: Their message didn't exactly specify.
Palomo: They'll come back. I know they'll come back. [Raises his rifle to shoot the cones]
[A bullet hits one of the cones]
Bitters: Nice shot.
Palomo: Wasn't me.
Felix: You shouldn't be so hard on the guys. They did what they thought was best. Can't fault 'em for that. Still. I'm going to beat the living shit out of those four when I find them.
Smith: When you find them?
Felix: Tell Kimball I'm buying back one of the warthogs I sold her.
Jensen: But Felix! She said we weren't allowed to go after them! It was a direct order!
Felix: Well, orders only work on soldiers! I am a mercenary.
  • Fed Soldier: Well, would you look at that? Just a couple of harmless snowmen. You guys wouldn't happen to be the ones making all that racket now, would ya? [Chuckles] Well, time for some target practice.
[Tucker's sword emerges from one of the snowmen and impales the soldier]
Fed Soldier: But... why, snowman?
  • Washington: Tucker?
Tucker: Wash?
Sarge: What in Sam Hell are you boys doing here?
Simmons: We came to save you!
Donut: But... we were supposed to save YOU!
Caboose: BUM BUM Buuuummm... CLIFFHANGER!
[Cut to black]

Chapter 9: The Federal Army of Chorus[edit]

  • Fed Soldier: I repeat, we have three survivors in need of immediate assistance. [To a Fed] Make sure the Docs are ready. He really did a number on them.
Washington: [Weakly] Sarge...
[Locus walks up to him]
Locus: He's not dead. Not yet.
Washington: No...
[Washington turns his head towards the sky and sees Locus looking down at him]
Locus: I warned you, Agent Washington. I gave you a choice. And you chose to fight. I admire that decision.
Washington: Fuck... you... monster...
Locus: No. I'm not a monster. I'm a soldier, like you.
[Locus leaves as the screen goes black. Fade back in to reveal a broken down facility. Wash is seen wearing his blue armor]
Director: [Voice only] Well, hello, Agent Washington.
Washington: Project Freelancer?
Counselor: Agent Washington.
Washington: Huh?
[Wash suddenly flashes back to he past where he sees himself talking to the Counselor]
Counselor: So you would say that you have overwhelming feelings of anger, and a need for revenge?
Past Washington: More than you know.
Washington: ...What?
[Wash then flashes back to the point where he shot Lopez and Donut. He runs towards his past self to try and stop himself from shooting Donut, but the scene goes as it did before]
Washington: Wait! WAIT!
[His past self fires at Donut, causing him to collapse immediately]
Simmons: Why did you do that!? What's wrong with you!?
Washington: No... I was just...
Locus: [Echoing] I was just following orders.
Washington: I was just following orders.
Voice: You shot him!
Washington: What?
[Simmons appears right in front of Washington]
Simmons: You shot him! You shot Donut!
[Washington backs away and aims his pistol at Simmons]
Washington: No, I just... I did what I had to do!
[Locus appears behind Washington]
Locus: Don't we all?
[Washington turns around and shoots Locus. However, he finds his own body on the ground]
Locus: Agent Washington.
[Washington, now back in his steel-colored armor, stares down at himself]
Emily Grey: Agent Washington? Agent Washington!
[Cut to black]
Emily Grey: Oh. Well... that was close.
  • Doyle: Gentlemen. I'm afraid I have nothing but apologies for you today. It must be the thin air up here, I-I've been doing a lot of travelling lately and my body's still adjusting to-
Washington: [Approaches Doyle] "Doyle", right?
Doyle: Oh, uh... well yes. Very observant. General Donald Doyle of the Federal Army of Chorus at your service.
Sarge: At our service?
Donut: Full service?
Washington: Okay, General. Let me catch you up to speed on what the past few days have been like for me. I've got a canyon full of shipwrecked survivors all trying to hail a rescue, when a squad of soldiers, all wearing your uniform, come down and attack us with their leader, a big black suited son of a bitch who goes by the name Locus. Then once he leaves, I've got another guy named Felix telling me you and yours have been terrorizing this planet and to top it all off, that we're wanted men for crashing on it in the first place! [Angrily] So please, if you could do your best to convince me not to kill you this VERY SECOND, THAT WOULD REALLY BENEFIT THE BOTH OF US!
Sarge: [Nervously] Um... Yeah!
Doyle: [Sighs] Yes, I see. None of this happened the way that it should have. Tell me, how much do you know about the New Republic?
Sarge: They don't try to kill us for starters!
Doyle: A note-worthy quality, yes. But, uh, what else do you know about them?
Washington: They're rebels, fighting to overthrow a corrupt leadership. They heard our distress call and hoped we could help.
Doyle: And you heard all of this from a mercenary, hired to assist them at all costs? ...A bit of a biased source, don't you think? These "rebels" aren't looking to free this planet, their aim is to dominate it! They were given ample opportunities to move to uh, form their own society, somewhere else on Chorus; it is a large planet, I can assure you. But nooooo. They are determined to uh, "take back what is theirs!" I'll admit, times were hard, but as a planet cut off from the rest of the galaxy we did our best to govern the people. But it wasn't enough. Suddenly buildings were exploding! There... There were riots in the streets! Complete and utter panic, everywhere! These were not acts of freedom, they were acts of terrorism! And we could not risk warriors of your caliber allying with them.
Washington: So you sent your men to kill us?
Doyle: Absolutely not!
Sarge: I've got a few cracked ribs that beg to differ! And a hipbone that strongly disagrees!
Doyle: Again, I must apologize. The way this was handled was not at all what I had wanted. Upon hearing of your arrival on Chorus, I ordered Locus to confirm his findings and bring you to us as soon as possible. Unfortunately, it appears as though I should've been more specific in the exact method of your acquisition.
Washington: So what, this was all your mercenary's fault? Y-You expect me to believe that the general of an army can't control his own men?
Doyle: Y-Y-You're mistaken in assuming I have any control over Locus whatsoever! He is a dog, that has long since broken from his leash. ...But we need him. [walks towards the edge of the roof] As I'm sure you already observed, I'm not a battle-worn soldier ripe with military expertise. On the contrary, I was simply next in line to run the army should something happen to its leader.
Washington: What do you mean? Lieutenant General? Major General?
Doyle: [Embarrassed] Uh, personal secretary to the Brigadier.
Washington: [Shocked] What!?
Donut: Where'd all the other guys go?
Doyle: Some of them left before things took a turn for the worst, but uh hmmmm...most of them were killed. Yes, definitely they were killed. Not many of us left these days, I'm afraid.
Sarge: But you're supposed to be the evil empire! With giant warships and floating space lasers! Not camping out in the snow, that stuff's for rebels! And the sadly endangered polar bear...
Doyle: Well, we are doing significantly better than before! We still have multiple bases of operation and Locus has managed to acquire top-notch military equipment! He even helped us strategize some of our more recent victories. Mmm, though I would not consider your rescue to be one of them.
Washington: I also wouldn't consider it to be a rescue.
Doyle: Well, I can assure you that he was punished severely for taking such drastic measures against you. I made sure he wasn't paid a single penny for the job.
Washington: How comforting.
Doyle: Gentlemen. I am fully aware that I may never gain your trust, but let me be perfectly clear: We are not your enemy.

Chapter 10: Cloak and Dagger[edit]

  • Locus: Like sheep to the pen.
Washington: Oh no...
Locus: You're ready for slaughter.
Tucker: [Raises his weapon] Locus!?
Locus: I advise you stand down, boy.
[The other mercenaries deactivate their cloaking devices]
Tucker: [Grunts angrily and lowers his weapon]
Simmons: The soldiers from the fueling station?
Grif: I thought they were Feds!
Sarge: Those ain't our guys!
Locus: I told you, Agent Washington. I am a professional. I complete my missions at all costs, but you and your comrades have put a blemish on my record. This is unacceptable.
[Tucker prepares a grenade behind his back]
Washington: What are you talking about!? You just killed the men you're working for!
Locus: Hmm... It appears you don't understand after all. Unfortunate. You were such a fascinating soldier, Agent Washington. [Raises his sniper rifle]
[Felix darts in front of Washington and activates his hardlight shield just as Locus fires]
Tucker: Huh?
Felix: Tucker! Grenade!
Tucker: Oh! Right! [Tosses Felix the grenade]
Felix: [Sighs] That was close! Nice throw, Tucker! [Laughs]
Tucker: [Uneasy] Felix?
Felix: How many times have I jumped in front of a bullet for you, Wash? Three? Those are some pretty great reflexes, huh? Most people would have to plan that sort of thing.
Washington: [Suspicious] Felix, what are you doing?
Felix: Just helping out an old acquaintance. [Throws the grenade up to Locus]
[Cut to a memory of Felix and Locus fighting alongside each other]
Kimball: [Memory] They fought together in the great war.
[Cut back to Outpost 37]
Felix: You missed a spot.
Locus: Are you done? [Hands the grenade to the soldier on his left]
Felix: Not even close.
Grif: [Indignant] Dude!
Tucker: This doesn't make sense! That's Locus, your enemy!
Felix: [Mocking] Right, and I'm the charismatic mercenary with a gruff exterior, but a heart of gold. A little too romantic, don't you think?
Tucker: [Angry] But the guy fucking shot you!
[Cut to memory of Felix being shot]
Felix: [Memory] Oh! Son of a bitch!
[Cut back to Outpost 37]
Felix: Yeah, funny how an act of sacrifice like that buys you so much trust. And so much information.
[Cut between memories]
Felix: [Memory] Weren't you with another freelancer? And an A.I.? I need a detailed list of the supplies you've got on hand. You wouldn't happen to have any high-tech armor on board that wreck, would you?
[Cut back to the present]
Simmons: [Confused] But you're supposed to hate each other!
Felix: Oh, we do. After all, you should never mix friends with business.
Locus: [Impatient] Wrap it up.
Felix: But we just work so well together.
[Cut to a memory]
Felix: [Memory] Run!
Palomo: [Memory] What about Rogers?
[Cut to Locus, who hears Felix over the radio]
Felix: [Memory] Get down!
[Locus dives as the buildings explode. Cut back to present]
Sarge: [Furious] You dirty liar!
Felix: [Indignant] Hey, whoa whoa whoa. I never actually lied to you idiots, okay? Well, except for once. [Mocking] You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers. pffftt! Now that couldn't be farther from the truth. But you know, it did make you the perfect candidates to lead the people of Chorus.
Locus: [Impatient] Stop boasting and let me kill them. We have a job to do.
Felix: [To Blood Gulch Crew] Ooh, that's right, he doesn't like you guys. He actually thinks there might be a few fighters among you. Ha! Told you he's crazy.
Washington: [Furious] But why? Why the capture? Why make us part of this war?
Felix: Well, you see--
Locus: [Frustrated] Felix!
Felix: [Angry] No! I've had to put up with these morons every day, so you let me have this. [To Washington] You see, someone, somewhere, out in our galaxy, has their eye set on this planet. The only problem, is the inhabitants. Now, if it were up to me, I'd just nuke this place from orbit. But our employer, has other ideas.
[Cut to memory of Felix on a cliff]
Felix: [Memory] Holy shit. It's actually them.
Locus: [Memory] Back off. Control wants them alive.
Felix: [Memory, worried] Oh no.
[Cut back to Outpost 37]
Felix: We have to play this thing carefully, you understand? If an entire planet dies overnight, well, people ask questions. But if you stumble onto this rock and find that the settlers killed each other, well, that's just a tragedy!
[Cut to a memory showing Felix and Locus killing leaders of the New Republic]
Kimball: [Memory] Our first leader was killed in action, the second was assassinated at what we had been told would be a peace treaty. And the third was blown out of the sky while trying to leave Chorus for help.
[Cut back to the present]
Tucker: [Accusing] It was you. You started this war!
Felix: [Imitates buzzer] Wrong! These people hated each other way before our operation ever showed up, we just had to keep the hate train a-goin'. And let me tell you, you guys have helped so much.
[Cut to the carnage from the battle in Crash Site Bravo, then cut back to the present]
Felix: [Coldly] Does it hurt? Knowing just how much death you've brought to this planet?
Locus: [Angry] ENOUGH! How many times must I tell you, if you want to make the victim suffer, you do it quickly, and efficiently! [To Blood Gulch Crew] There will be no rescue for you. You will die here, today, along with the rest. No one will find your bodies, no one will know the truth, and NO ONE is going to stop us from killing every last person on this planet!
Mercenary: All right. That's all I need to hear. [Drops Tucker's grenade and leaps off the platform]
Locus: [Furious] KILL THEM!
  • Grif: Uh, what just happened and why did it hurt?
Dr. Grey: Ugh, where am I?
Caboose: I think my insides were just outside.
Washington: Is everyone OK?
Mercenary: You know, I never thought I'd be so glad to see you idiots again.
[The Mercenary's steel color fades, revealing her to be Carolina]
Tucker: Carolina?
Epsilon: Ah, that's not all! [Appears next to Carolina] Miss me, assholes?
Tucker: [Throws his DMR to the floor] YOU FUCK! [Charges towards Epsilon, but falls through him and hits the floor]
Epsilon: Huh. Wasn't expecting that.

Chapter 11: Long Time No See[edit]

  • Carolina: Apparently our friends in black aren't just focused on armor enhancements. These weapons are more advanced than anything we've encountered. How are they funding all this?
Epsilon: Well, speak of the devil. [Pulls up a video feed of Locus and Control] And he shall appear.
Carolina: Another message from Control?
Epsilon: Yep. I picked out a clip you might find interesting.
Control: What did we lose?
Locus: A healing unit, as well as several miscellaneous files.
Carolina: Sounds like last week's raid made the headlines.
Epsilon: Keep listening. There's something you need to hear.
Control: This is unacceptable, Locus. I thought you told me you only worked with reliable partners.
Locus: I do. The individual in charge of that outpost has been terminated. I saw to the matter personally.
Control: I'm not paying you to put bullets through the heads of Space Pirates. I'm paying you to ensure the acquisition of my property. And when I lose my property, you lose my payment.
[A video feed of Felix pops up]
Felix: If I could interject for a second, you're not just paying to collect the Freelancer tech from the crash.
Carolina: Wait. Who is that?
Control: Felix. Straying away from the New Republic to join the conversation for once. To what do we owe the pleasure?
Felix: Those sim troopers you dumped on us are proving even more of a handful than an asset. If they find where we're keeping Wash, and if Kimball thinks they're ready, I'm not gonna be able to stop them from searching for their leaders. And if they find their leaders, this whole civil war charade's gonna fall apart real quick.
Carolina: What?
Control: I can assure you, they will never be ready.
Felix: That's what I said, but my partner isn't convinced.
Control: We will continue to move Agent Washington's group sporadically and-
Locus: Sir, what if they do manage to make contact?
Control: This inquisitive behavior does not suit you, Locus. If the Reds and Blues manage to reunite... kill them.
[The conversation cuts out]
Epsilon: Carolina, we have to go back.
Carolina: What the hell is going on on this planet?
Epsilon: We can figure that out along the way. Right now, we just need to get back to the guys. If Control has infiltrated both sides of this war-
Carolina: I know. Recovering equipment can wait.
Epsilon: Actually, there's one more thing I wanna pick up.
Carolina: What?
Epsilon: We're a long way from the guys. [Pulls up the specs on Teleportation Grenades] So what we need is a shortcut.

Chapter 17: Multiple Choice[edit]

  • Carolina: What exactly are you playing at?
Felix: Ho ho, OK, easy there, darling. I know this is all very exciting, so I'm gonna hand the mike over to my partner here to tell you the details.
Locus: It's time you people understood the futility of your situation. We know where you're hiding. We know you are in possession of a single teleportation grenade. And we know that you hold the coordinates to a particularly valuable radio jammer.
[Cut to Locus and Felix standing next to each other at the radio jammer]
Locus: Which is why my partner and I are contacting you from its location. Make no mistake, you will not be interfering with today's events.
Tucker: Says you! We're the champs of interfering with shit!
Locus: As we speak, the armies of Chorus are converging at the capital, and the battle that ensues will leave no survivors. If your goal was to save these people... you have failed. But you now have an opportunity to save yourselves.
Washington: What do you mean?
Felix: Once the chumps at the capital are all dead, you guys will be the only loose ends left. [Dr. Grey sadly lowers her head] Now, seeing as you disabled our tracking device, and have the means to teleport anywhere in the world, this poses a somewhat... annoying problem.
Locus: Which is why Control has offered to make a deal.
Carolina: Control?
Locus: If you choose to teleport back to your canyon, at Crash Site Bravo, you'll find a small ship waiting to take you home. But if you fail to arrive within the hour, we will find you... and we will kill you.
Grif: I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit on that.
Simmons: Yeah, why should we believe anything you say?!
Locus: See for yourselves.
[The Blood Gulch Crew hear something and run to the open field of the fueling station to find the ship that transported Donut, Lopez and Doc to Chorus departing]
Lopez: Bueno. Yo les creo. [OK. I believe them.]
Donut: You're right, Lopez! That is the ship that dropped us off.
Lopez: PARA DE FINGIR QUE ME ENTIENDES. [STOP PRETENDING THAT YOU UNDERSTAND ME.]
Locus: It's fully functional and on route to the canyon now.
[The ship flies off]
Washington: So you got a ship. How are we supposed to know you won't shoot us the second we arrive?
Felix: Well, you can't. But if it makes you feel any better, this wasn't our idea. Trust me, I'm really hoping you're dumb enough to turn this offer down.
Locus: Our client is a person of business. They understand if you want no part in this conflict. And they're willing to let you live if you agree never to speak of our involvement here.
Felix: And trust us. They'll know if you do.
Locus: Agent Washington, I've been ordered to offer you and your men a way out. And I never break an order. You have one hour to make your decision.
Felix: Hope you make the right one.
[Washington looks at the others]
  • Church: Alright. The way I see it, we've got 3 options. I'm gonna go through these in the order of "fucking terrible" to "goddamn nightmare". Option A: We can take our last teleportation grenade and jump to a place on Chorus where we can lay low for a while. The obvious con here is that the armies will probably blow each other to bits. But Carolina and I have gotten pretty good about fighting these guys on the run. If we're careful, we might be able to gather enough equipment and intel to get off this planet and bring Control to justice.
Simmons: Just to clarify. That's the best option?
Church: That was "fucking terrible".
Carolina: We'd lose Chorus, but still have a chance to bring down Control and walk away from this alive. That gets us 2 out of 3.
Grif: What's Option B?
Church: If, and let me tell you, I cannot stress this "if" hard enough, IF Locus and Felix are telling the truth, we go back to the canyon, get on the ship, go home. If anybody asks, we tell them we stole the ride before all the crazy army people showed up and started murdering each other.
Sarge: Gotta be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of the "if". And the thousands of deaths aren't great either.
Tucker: What about Option C?
Church: [Sighs] We teleport to the radio jammer. If we take out their defenses, and shut down the machine, and if we're not too late, then we can broadcast a message to the Capitol.
Donut: Oh, well, that one doesn't sound too bad.
Church: Well, here's the thing. I've been running Carolina's healing unit whenever I can, but her leg is still garbage. Combine that with the fact that these guys have Freelancer equipment, advanced weaponry...
Carolina: We get it. Some of us won't make it back.
Church: Uh... most of us won't make it back.
Tucker: But we could save everybody at the Capitol.
Church: Yeah, if, if, if we make it back in time. Then you just need to find a way to convince 2 armies that a bunch of dead people are actually alive and telling the truth.
Washington: [Walks forward] There's a fourth option. Carolina and I go on the run with Epsilon and do our best to bring down Control. And the rest of you take the ship... and go home...
Church: That's... actually... not a bad idea.
Carolina: The 3 of us would be able to move around the planet without the extra baggage. [Turns to the Blood Gulch Crew] No offense.
Grif: No. Baggage is right. We're comfortable with who we are.
Donut: But... we can't just leave!
Dr. Grey: Yes, you can. This isn't your responsibility. You all held up your end of the bargain. You helped us fight. You saved your friends. So... now all that's left is for... you to go home...
[The group sadly look at Emily]

Season 13[edit]