Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II

Robot Chicken: Star Wars Episode II is a 2008 episode of the television comedy series Robot Chicken, and the sequel to the Annie Award winning Robot Chicken: Star Wars, which aired as a one-off special during Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block on November 16, 2008.

Dialogue

Palpatine: [walks into an imperial barbershop] Hey, you're gonna be mad Alfonso. I haven't had time to get a cut and my hair is WHAAA!!!

Alfonso: Don't worry, we will have you looking perfect, sir! [pulls back Palpatine's hood and his hair is Einstein style] Oh ho ho, uh-oh, look at you! You look crazy!

Palpatine: [smiles] I know, I look crazy.

Alfonso: Well let's get started. [starts styling Palpatine's hair] And how is the Empire coming along? Last time you were very excited about your Death Star.

Palpatine: Let's just say we're already building another one.

Alfonso: [alarmed] Uh-oh!

Palpatine: Yeah, I've got Vader on it. Ugh! Just saying his name stresses my ass.

[His cellphone rings and it's Vader]

Alfonso: [shocked] Uh-oh!

Palpatine: [on the phone with Vader] Yeah?

Alfonso: [whispers to Palpatine] Turn your head for me, please.

Palpatine: [on the phone] You lost them!?

Alfonso: Uh-oh!

Palpatine: [on the phone] Argh! I can't hold your hand anymore Vader. A hand I gave you I might add! No, no! Shut Up!

Alfonso: Uh-oh!

Palpatine: [on the phone] I gotta put you on hold! [hangs up] I just want to throw myself in a hot bath and cry.

Alfonso: Oh, no. You're looking for some guys. Hey, what about a bounty hunter?!

Palpatine: A what, now?

Alfonso: You know, a guy who looks for a guy for money! My sister's dating one.

Palpatine: Alfonso, you're a lifesaver! What's your midi-chlorian count? Seriously, what do we need to do?

Alfonso: Well, put an ad in the paper "Bounty Hunters from Everywhere Looking, Looking, Looking" and then we got this guy!

Palpatine: I like it! [looks in the mirror to see his new haircut] And I like where this is going!

Alfonso: Well, you've got the face for it.

---

[Gary the Stormtrooper takes out a lunch box and thermos bottle]

Gary's Wife: Gary, where is Jessica? Isn't today "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"?

Gary: [sighs] No one actually does that.

Gary's Wife: Gary, you promised. [walks away]

[The camera slowly zooms in on the motionless Gary. At the Rebel Alliance ship called Tantive IV; a group of Stormtroopers blast down a door and begin a blaster-fight with some guards. Then we see Gary takes his daughter Jessica with him]

Gary: Keep your head down, Jessica!

Jessica: Okay, daddy! [Gary takes his daughter's hand and runs to cover; Jessica squeals and accidentally drops her teddy bear into the line of fire] Mr. Fuzzybottom!

Gary: [stops Jessica from running into the line of fire, then puts his head down in frustration and sighs calmly; carefully walks into the line of fire to get Mr. Fuzzybottom back, dodging an array of red-toned lasers getting fired in his direction; groans] AHHH! [makes his way back to Jessica on his hands and knees, panting heavily] Here you go, baby.

Darth Vader: [appears] Who is this little girl?

Gary: [realizes] Oh! Lord Vader! Uh...it's "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", and I know, uh...you know, I'm sorry for bringing her, but you know my wife says I never see her, and...and let's be honest, she's right! Okay? She's right! [silence] Do you have kids? 'Cause, I mean, heh, they change your world. ...Oh, I'm probably gonna get fired for this...but [stands proud] [Bleep] it. [takes his daughter's hand and says sternly] I love my daughter.

Darth Vader: [silence; leans in and thumps his chest with his fist] That really hits me where I live. [grabs a rebel guard by the neck and lifts him up] What have you done with those plans?! Gary here, never sees his daughter because of people like you! [brief pause; bone snaps; realizes what he's done and covers his mouth innocently] I'm so sorry you had to see that. [drops the body; leans in] Are you having fun, being at work with your father?

Jessica: Mmm... [hides head behind Gary]

Darth Vader: [chuckles; wiggles around a little] I know, I'm scary.

[Scene change to Tatooine]

Obi-Wan: [controlling Gary with Jedi mind trick] These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Gary: [under the Jedi mind trick] These aren't the droids we're looking for.

Jessica: Yes, they are!

Obi-Wan: Move along.

Gary: Move along.

[Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke rides away]

Jessica: Daddy, you're not even trying!

Gary: Baby, it is 165º degrees on this planet! I can't hear in this thing! [referring to his helmet] I was just repeating what I thought the guy was sayin'! It's not like it's my own mother[bleep]ing thought on the matter, okay?! [Jessica runs away, sobbing] Hon?! Aww! Baby! [runs after his daughter, leaving Carl the Stormtrooper behind]

Carl: See? That's why I don't take my daughter to Jack[bleep]!

---

[Scene opens to the interrogation scene aboard the Death Star with Darth Vader, Princess Leia and an ITO torture droid named "Dr. Ball" floating into the room.]

Darth Vader: Make her tell us the location of the rebel base.

Dr. Ball: [indignant] Good God, man! I'm a doctor, not a savage! This is a flu shot! [begins to float out of room] Good day, sir!

Darth Vader: You will make her-

Dr. Ball: I SAID good day, sir! [floats out of room]

[Scene then opens into a sitcom like group of slides saying : Dr. Ball, M.D. With Larry Elsworth as Sam. Also shows Dr. Ball playing with a Twi'lek girl in a hot tub. Scene then opens to Medical Room at Echo Base with Leia, Han, C-3PO and a medical droid watching Luke float in a bacta tank as Dr. Ball floats in]

Dr. Ball: What the-?! Are you trying to drown that kid?! What are you injecting there? Is this the bloody Dark Ages?! Why don't you just throw some leeches in there?! Oh, nobody listens to Dr. Ball, he's just an old fool! [floats off screen]

[Scene shows him floating past rows of Stormtroopers. Scene then opens to Medical Room at Polis Massa with Padme on the operating table with Obi-Wan, Yoda, Bail Organa, and some Polis Massians standing around her as Dr. Ball floats in]

Dr. Ball: She's lost the will to live?! What is your degree in, poetry?! You sorry bunch of hippies! For God sakes, don't use the billions of dollars of medical equipment around us, why don't we all just get on our knees and pray?! WE DON'T HAVE KNEES, YOU MOTHER[BLEEP]ERS!

[Scene then quickly shows Dr. Ball returning to his office, then sketch ends]

---

[Princess Leia is hiding behind a corner with a blaster. Three stormtroopers spot her]

Stormtrooper Leader: There's one! Set for stun!

[Leia shoots the stormtrooper leader and his body falls into the arms of the stormtrooper on the right. Another stormtrooper on the left goes to stun Leia]

Stormtrooper 1: [crying] He said "Stun." It wasn't gonna hurt ya! He said "Stun!"

---

Darth Vader: [on his kneepad and a big hologram of Emperor Palpatine is looking at his recent haircut in a mirror] What is thy bidding, my Master?

Palpatine: [tosses the mirror and puts his hood back on] My bidding?! How about, "I bid thee to stop ramming the ship into [bleep]ing asteroid fields!"?! Can you handle it?!

Darth Vader: [sighs] I'm trying.

Palpatine: Yeah? Well, there is no "try!" There's "do" and "[bleep]ing uproyal!" And you are [bleep]ing uproyal! [opens his cell phone and starts calling] So, I'm hiring bounty hunters to do the job!

Darth Vader: But, I-

Palpatine: No buts! It's already ringing! You look so tiny down there like a little, mean pepper shaker. [on his cell phone] Sheila! Hey, it's Palpatine. Listen, I need you to post an ad for me, will ya? "Imperial Emperor seeking bounty hunters to, um, to find and locate-" Yeah, I guess that is the same thing. Okay, "To locate the Millenium Falcon." [to Vader] She's typing. So, all you see is my head, huh? Can you see this? [slowly moves his middle finger up at Vader while making sounds]

Darth Vader: Yes, I-

Palpatine: [back on his cell phone with Sheila] No, I'm here. Alright. Oh, and be sure to mention some kind of a reward. What? Oh, I don't know. How-How much do you think? Really? That seems a little high to me. No, I see your point. Tell you what: Why don't we just say "Substantial reward" and leave it at that? Okay. Thanks, Sheila. What? [sighs] Sure. What's his name? Dengar? Sounds good. Yeah. No, no, we'll bring him in first thing. Okay. Okay, bye bye. [hangs up, to Vader] Sheila's husband's a bounty hunter. I told her we'd give him a look see. [crosses his arms] Bet that knee's starting to hurt.

---

Tarkin: [threatening Leia] I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time. Where is the Rebel base?

Princess Leia: Dantooine. They're on Dantooine.

Darth Vader: [to the officers] You heard her! Destroy Dantooine!

Tarkin: [alarmed] Wait!

Officer: Commence primary ignition!

[The officers ignites the green laser from the Death Star. Meanwhile on Dantooine]

Tarkin's Mexican Gardener: [finishing trimming the hedges] Phew. Four years of landscaping, but I think Mr. Tarkin finally has a home to be proud of. [looks up] Hey, a laser!

[The laser from the Death Star blows up Dantooine in the process. Back to the Death Star]

Tarkin: [shocked] Vader! Dantooine?! What the hell?! You've been to the cocktail party at my house, for Christ's sake!

Darth Vader: [realizes] Sorry.

---

[At Cloud City]

Lando: [to Han, Leia, and Chewbacca] I've made a deal that will keep the empire out of our affairs forever.

[The door opens to reveal Darth Vader sitting at the head of a table; he rises as Chewbacca roars and Han Solo fires multiple times with his blaster; Vader deflects the blasts and pulls Han's blaster away]

Darth Vader: We'd be honored if you could join us.

[Boba Fett stands by Vader and stormtroopers block the entrance and the door closes; cutaway to everyone sitting at the table eating dinner; everyone is silent; Han looks in his glass to see it is empty as a stormtrooper serves more food to Lando; Darth Vader tries to drink out of a glass but can't until a stormtrooper puts in a straw]

Han Solo: [nervously quiet] C-Could-can I get a little more water?

Darth Vader: What?!

Han Solo: Nothing! [clears throat] I just asked for more water. [the stormtrooper refills his glass]

[Han looks over to Boba who is shaking his head at him. Han is confused when Boba makes a cutting noise across the throat, which angers Han, and continues mocking him by shooting a finger gun at him. Han, in response, pretends to inflate his middle finger, but Boba is not shaken and "cranks" up his own middle finger in response. Han is annoyed, and gives up]

Lando: [breaking the silence] Sooo, how we doin'? Leia, how's the soup? You ever had soup this good?

Princess Leia: Yes... [menacingly at Vader] on Alderaan!

Darth Vader: [chuckling] Hey, princess, let it gooooooo... [gets a muffin using the force and stands up] [doing a mocking reconstruction of the destruction of Alderaan] "Ohh, help me! 'We're a peaceful planet. You may fire when ready!" [throws crumbs in everyone's faces] KABOOOOOOOORRRRAAAARRRR!!!!!! Big Laser! BSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Alderaan chunks everywhere! [chuckles] Psssshhhhhhh.... [sits down]

[Brief silence]

Han Solo: Anyone uh...Anyone got a joke?

Lando: I got one. Who's got two thumbs, and betrayed his best friend? [no response, points to himself using his thumbs] THIS GUY! [no response] Uhhhhh...too soon?

Darth Vader: Well... [sighs] it's been a time and a half. But... [sighs again and stretches] lot of torturing to do. [sings and walk away] Bweep do-da-loop-de-hooo. [accidentally taking the table cloth with him causing all the dishes to crash onto the floor while Chewie catches his dinner bowl]

---

[On Cloud City, Lando Calrissian has just forcefully betrayed Han, Chewie, and Leia to Darth Vader, who is stepping into an elevator, with Boba Fett and two Stormtroopers standing guard]

Darth Vader: Leia and the Wookie must never again leave this city.

Lando: That was never a condition of our arrangement, nor was giving Han to this bounty hunter.

Darth Vader: I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

[The elevator doors close, and Lando is left alone with Boba and the Stormtroopers]

Lando: [to himself] This deal's getting worse all the time.

[The doors open again]

Darth Vader: [holds a pink dress and a bonnet] Furthermore, I wish you to wear this dress and bonnet.

[Boba Fett and the Stormtrooper exchange glances before the Stormtrooper shrugs]

Lando: This was never a condition of our arrangement!

Darth Vader: I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. [leaves again]

Lando: [holding the dress] This deal's getting worse all the time!

Darth Vader: [reappears while holding a unicycle] Here is a unicycle. You will ride it wherever you go.

[Boba Fett leans forward in shock while the Stormtrooper next to him chuckles before composing himself]

Lando: [grabs the unicycle and glares at it] What?! I'm not riding no [bleep]ing unicycle! [throws the unicycle to the ground and drops the dress]

Darth Vader: I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. [leaves again]

Lando: THIS DEAL IS GETTING WORSE ALL THE TIME!!!

Darth Vader: [reappears while holding a pair of clown shoes] Also, you are to wear these clown shoes and refer to yourself as "Mary".

[Boba Fett and the Stormtrooper start laughing]

Lando: Ah, [bleep] you, man! I'm not doing it! [grabs one of the shoes and tosses it away, hitting the laughing Stormtrooper on the head. Boba and the Stormtrooper compose themselves quickly]

Darth Vader: I have altered the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further. [leaves yet one last time]

Lando: THIS DEAL... [thinks for a moment and looks around] ...is very fair, and I'm happy to be a part of it. [listens at the elevator, but Vader does not return. He picks up the shoe that fell to the ground, unicycle, and dress and walks off]

---

Mon Mothma: [to the restaurant waiter] I'll have the calamari.

Admiral Ackbar: [sarcastically] Well, I guess I'll have the insensitive bitch. With a side of [bleep] you!

---

Boba Fett: [falling into the Sarlacc Pit] WHOA!!! [landed on the stomach] Hello! Meant to do it.

Weequay: [being tied] Thank Goodness! I thought I was doing this thousand years of digestion alone. How did you fall in?

Boba Fett: What fell in? I volunteered, more like it. You should've seen it. You would've dug it the most. I was flying around my jet pack, just smoking rebels with a laser. BABOO! BABOO! BABOO! Han Solo is off, "Hey, wait!", and I was like "Oh, I've been waiting for this for a long time, Solo." Ba-bang! The big bad wookiee growling in hell. Now I even put one between Skywalker's eyes right between those pretty baby blues. But then Jabba the Hutt was all "Oh no, this guy's too badass, man!" So then 80 Jedi showed up, I took out about 67 of them, but 20 dudes finally flanked me, and I was like "You know what, kids? It's been real, Daddy-o, but I'm not giving you pleasure!" So I jumped in the pit myself on the way down. I was thinking "Maybe I should've left my party a favor". Oh, I did a thermal detonator right up their asses! BABOOM!

Weequay: That's awesome! But at least he didn't go out like a punk!

Boba Fett: Yeah. Oh, like a badass. [silently crying]

Weequay: [concerned] Are you crying?

Boba Fett: [sniffs with a fake laugh] That's funny! [trying to control himself by humming a Star Wars theme] I'm okay!

---

Darth Vader: Welcome, my master. The Death Star construction is proceeding...

Palpatine: [interrupting] Yeah! Great! Fine! Whatever. That flight was a [bleep]ing nightmare. My stupid tray table broke and I ended up with a gallon of coffee in my crotch; it was like dunking my wang in hot lava. [nudging Vader] Something you have some experience with I guess, huh? Right?

Darth Vader: [shamefully] Yes...

[Palpatine chuckled. We cut to the conveyor belt]

Darth Vader: [to a black suitcase with a white stripe that is passing by Vader and Palpatine on a luggage conveyor belt] Is that yours?

Palpatine: No! For the hundredth time, that's that same stupid black bag. Mine doesn't have a stripe. It's like that stripey bag is mocking me. [flipped the bird[ [Bleep] you, stripey bag. [beat] Well, my suitcase is gone! Sacrificed to the airport gods...Now I'm here for two [bleep]ing weeks with one [bleep]ing robe. And now it's sticking to me like a wet Kleenex. [a yellow surfboard passes them on the conveyor] Wow, for real?

[We cut to the gift shop]

Palpatine: [emerging from a gift shop wearing "Death Star 2" merchandise] Yeah, guess I'll just be killing myself then.

[Cut to Palpatine sitting in the throne room]

Palpatine: Good chair, good chair. Nice lumbar support. Great view of [spins around to face the window] utter blackness. [the air conditioning grows loud. He spins back around in disbelief] Oh, for-I'm right under the air conditioning vent! And the chair's bolted to the floor? Who's the brainia - Hey Crayola, help me shut this vent! [an Imperial guard walks over and attempts to shut the vent with his pike] Yeah. Reach up there with your Staff of Ra, and- [the guard knocks down the cover of the vent, and the air conditioning becomes gust-like. His hat is blown away, and said to the guard] Hey, wanna see me tempt fate? Could this day get any worse?! I did it ironically, so I think I'm safe.

[One hour later...]

Palpatine: [being carried away by Darth Vader] What are you doing?! What are you doing?! Put me down! [screaming as he is thrown down the reactor shaft by Vader]

Cast

• Seth Green as Obi Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Nerd, Ponda Baba, Bob Goldstein, various voices
• Seth MacFarlane as The Emperor, Dr. Ball, Cantina Band Member
• Breckin Meyer as Boba Fett, Admiral Ackbar
• Abraham Benrubi as Darth Vader
• Bob Bergen as Luke Skywalker
• Ahmed Best as Jar Jar Binks
• Hugh Davidson as Stormtrooper, Rebel Trooper
• Keith Ferguson as Han Solo, General Veers
• Conan O'Brien as Zuckuss, Star Wars nerd
• Adrianne Palicki as Padmé Amidala, Jessica
• Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia, Female Krayt Dragon
• Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian, Ackbar's Manager
• Donald Faison as Gary the Stormtrooper, Imperial Pilot, Darth Maul
• Andy Richter as Male Krayt Dragon, 4LOM
• Zeb Wells as Dengar