Robot Chicken (season 3)

The following is a list of quotes from the third season of Robot Chicken.

Werewolf vs. Unicorn [3.01]

Mike Lazzo: [announcing] Previously on Robot Chicken, y'all.

[The final scene of season 2 plays]

Seth Green: Not enough of you have been calling in to support us getting a third season, but we're gonna change all that right now! [cut to him and Matt struggling for the shotgun] Give me it!

Matthew Senreich: No, let go!

Seth Green: Matt, give me it-

[Matt accidentally shoots the Bloopers Host, decapitating him]

Bloopers Host: [decapitated head bounces off the Humping Robot] Oh! Hello!

[Seth and Matt stop struggling]

Seth Green: You-You shot the Bloopers host!

Matthew Senreich: They like the violence! [shoots Tom in the head, causing it to explode in a bloody manner]

Seth Green: [shocked] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WE-WE CAN'T HAVE A THIRD SEASON IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY WRITERS!!!

Matthew Senreich: They love us! [shoots all the Robot Chicken characters dead] Violence!! Ratings!! Come on!! Higher ratings!!

[We cut to Seth and Matt once again struggle for the shotgun. Matt gets the upper hand and hits Seth with the shotgun butt, shoots him in the head, blowing it off in a gory fashion, and finally, shoots the camera. And as a flash of lightning, we cut to a graveyard, where we see all the characters' tombstones, and stops at Seth's. A zombie hand pushes from the dirt]

Mike Lazzo: Ratings are through the roof, bitches. We're fixin' to renew, y'all.

Matthew Senreich: That's what the [bleep] I'm talking about!

Keith Crofford: [gravely to himself] But at what cost?

Mike Lazzo: You say something Keith?

Keith Crofford: [fake smiling] No, no. I didn't say anything. [Seth, as a zombie, smashes through window and starts to eat Keith's brains] Arrrgghh!!!!!!

Mike Lazzo: Gravy cornbread!

Matthew Senreich: Holy [bleep]ing ass-crackers!

[Mike and Matt run towards the elevator]

Mike Lazzo: Oh, [bleep]!

Matthew Senreich: [repeatedly pushing the elevator button] Come on, come on, come on...

[Seth, writers and characters break through walls and ceiling, after Matthew and Mike]

Mike Lazzo: Dang it! What do we do now?

Matthew Senreich: I've got an idea! [pushes Mike into the zombies]

Mike Lazzo: Agh, you rattlesnake!! [gets eaten by zombies]

Matthew Senreich: [jumps in elevator] Yes! [exits the elevator, approaches a locked door; tried to open but still locked] No! [the zombies wait patiently and quietly in the elevator] Noo!!! [Seth and other zombies exit the elveator; Matt picks up his cell phone, reading the message WOW] Wow! Oh, wait. [turned his cell phone righ-side up] Oh, it's just Mom. [the zombies dance to the ringtone, resembling the dance from "Michael Jackson's Thriller". Suddenly the ringtone stops] No!!!! [the zombies stop dancing and attempt to eat Matthew's brain] Look at the new contract! We get health benefits! Oh God, please don't eat my brains!

[Seth then grabs the contract and discussing with the other zombies about health benefits. Cut to the writers lounge]

Mike Fasolo: [sighs] Smells like wet garbage in here.

Matthew Senreich: Yo, what do you guys want for lunch today?

Seth Green: [zombie]: Brains!

Doug Goldstein: [zombie]: Brains!

Mike Fasolo: Subway.

Tom Root: [zombie]: Brains.

Matthew Senreich: Brains it is. [leaves the lounge]

Mike Fasolo: [to his dismay] Oh, I hate brains.

Squaw Bury Shortcake [3.02]

[A little boy is brushing his teeth in his bathroom as a green monster pops out of his toilet]

Monster: Are you Timmy? [the little boy shakes his head no] Dammit! I'll find him. [disappears back in the toilet]

---

[Ents running past a little girl]

Little Girl: Run Forest Run!

---

Godzilla: So why are you here?

Godzilla Junior: I want to destroy cities and rid the streets of weaponry.

Godzilla: Yeah, but, why are you really here?

Godzilla Junior: I wanna be king of the monsters.

Godzilla: There you go. Now, if you stick with me, you'll make it, but, uh, you gotta unlearn that bull[bleep] that they teach ya in Monster Island now, cuz that [bleep] gonna get ya killed out here.

Godzilla Junior: I'll do anything you want me to do.

Godzilla: [laughs] My lizard. Now how's your Japanese?

Godzilla Junior: Not that good.

Godzilla: Well, you learn that [bleep] then, brother, cos that [bleep] gonna get ya killed. These mother[bleep]ers out there be plottin' all types of [bleep] on ya.

[We cut to Godzilla and Godzilla Jr meeting Mazinger, who knocked the building down]

Godzilla: Hey yo, Mazinger! You got my stuff?

Mazinger: Yo, what you need, Zilla? Check it out, I got rocket firing hands; I got rockets for your shoulders and legs, man, my [bleep] is tight!

Godzilla: [doing the secret handshake] Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. But anyway... [roars, shoots a beam at Mazinger, killing him]

Godzilla Junior: [gasped] What did you do?!

Godzilla: Justifiable homicide on the line of duty.

Godzilla Junior: No, that was murder!

Godzilla: Open your eyes, son.

Godzilla Junior: That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly!

Godzilla: Why is he my friend, huh? Because he knows my name? Mazinger sold guns and rockets; the world is a better place without him anyway. Now get your ass in the car.

Godzilla Junior: No way, man. I'm getting reassigned.

Godzilla: Well, you do that! You tell them what I did; I don't give a damn, cuz I got news for ya: King Kong ain't got [bleep] on me!

[King Kong appears behind him and throws dirty poo at Godzilla, and chuckled]

Rabbits on a Roller Coaster [3.03]

[The title card forms while a wolf howls in the background. We then cut to Randy's house]

Randy: Mom, where's my costume?!

Mrs. McCormick: [pulls out a pink Power Rangers costume] Here it is, Randy: Power Rangers costume, just like you asked.

Randy: It's a girl's costume! [the doorbell rings; horrified] My friends are here!

Mrs. McCormick: Nobody cares what color your costume is.

[But later, his friends laugh uncontrollably as Randy dresses up as the female Power Ranger]

Trick Or Treater 1: Randy's going as Elton John this year.

Randy: [Bleep] you guys! Mom, I need a trick or treat bag!

Mrs. McCormick: We're out of shopping bags, honey. Just use this. [hands him a purse, and the other kids continue to laugh]

Trick Or Treater 2: Nice purse, lady!

[We cut to a neighbor's house]

Young Man: Here you are, little girl. [gives Randy some candy]

[The others start to snicker at this]

Randy: That does it! I'm going home. [they still snicker when he unsuccessfully tries to remove his helmet] It's too small. I...I can't get it off!

Trick Or Treater 3: This is the greatest Halloween ever.

[A set of sports car tires screeches behind the boys]

Trick Or Treater 4: [fearfully] It's Armpit! RUN!

[The trick-or-treaters scream and run, and then we cut to Armpit himself]

Armpit: [chuckles evilly and grabs one kid] Come here! [then throws him on the house behind him, and them grabs two more, smacks them into each other, and takes their bags. He spots Randy, thinking he's a girl] Hey, baby. You, me, going for a ride.

Randy: [frightened] No...

[The two drive off in Armpit's car]

Trick Or Treater 5: [worried] Oh, no. Armpit's gonna rape Randy.

[Later, Armpit shakes his car in distress, making it squeak. But it turns out he's hugging Randy while crying]

Armpit: [weeping and wailing] Nobody...understands me! I-I tried to fit in, but I'm filled with so much rage! Why did my soccer coach do that to me?! [groans and wails some more, then calms down] You know what, sweet heart? I didn't even get your name.

Randy: Uhhh..

[A gunshot sounds with a light that is held by a police officer next to the car]

Police Officer: Are you Randy McCormick?

Randy: [gasping in amazement before getting out of the car] Yes! Oh, thank goodness you're here! I'm Randy McCormick!

Armpit: [shocked and disgusted] Randy McCormick?! I'm gonna kill you, man! [groans, and drives away into the night]

Police Officer: Randy, I'm afraid your mom's dead.

Randy: [shocked] What?!?!

Police Officer: It was a fire, son. [hands Randy a letter] It appears that she could only write this note that said she never loved you.

Randy: Oh, no!

Police Officer: Right before she shot your dog. [pause, brightens] Have a happy Halloween. [then drives away, too, leaving Randy all alone in the night]

---

Armpit: [while repeatingly banging Randy (still in the pink Power Rangers costume) on the school locker] "Randy McCormick"! "Randy McCormick"! I'm gonna kill you, man! [groans]

Tapping a Hero [3.04]

Old Woman: Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! [long pause] I said, I've fallen-

MedicAlert employee: MedicAlert at you service!

Old Woman: Oh, thank goodness. You see, I've fallen and I can't get... [employee tiptoes to the lounge] Uh...mister? Sir? [employee steals television] With my things, you're... [steals her handbag] What are you doi-?

Shoe [3.05]

Ted Kennedy: [gripping Arnold Schwarzenegger over a bridge] Remember when I said I'd kill you last?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: No! I don't recall-Oh! You were quoting a line from my movie.

Ted Kennedy: I lied!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I know how it goes! [dropped off the bridge] You suck! [dies]

---

[Sonic the Hedgehog runs through Green Hill Zone past the speed limit. He then gets caught in a spikestrip, smashes onto the ground and bleeds to death]

SWAT 1: That stopped him.

SWAT 2: Yeah, but man, a spikestrip? I mean, couldn't we had tried a warning first?

SWAT 1: Yeah, we could've, but we didn't. Hehehe.

Endless Breadsticks [3.06]

Pound Puppies: If you don't buy us, we get killed!

---

Narrator: It started to rain at a quarter to two

When the children both cried,

Both: "We've got nothing to do!"

Narrator:They played their ker-plunkers and spun their spin-daddies,

Why, they even found mother's vibrate-a-ratties.

When suddenly, there came a knock at the door.

The boy nudged his sister:

Seuss Boy: "Go get it, you whore!"

Narrator: She rose from her seat and walked towards the noise.

Seuss Girl: "Who could it be?"

Narrator: She hoped it was boys.

But what entered the house through the fog oh so thick

Was the Cat in the Hat with an enormous dick.

He sang a short song and played a few toots,

When all of a sudden, he noticed poor Boots.

The boy searched around for a pen and a pad.

Seuss Boy: "This guy's a pro, much better than dad."

Narrator: But before the two children could learn a new trade,

The Cat pushed them outside,

Cat in the Hat: "I'm trying to get laid!"

Narrator: So with nowhere to go but over the hill,

The children set off to the town of Whoreville.

They passed a few vagrants, a hooker, a corpse,

Trying their best not to vomit, of course.

Though it got very hard as they passed by a can,

Where a man tried to shit out some Blue Eggs and Spam.

Finally, they arrived at their mom's place of work,

As a jolly old man walked out with a smirk.

It was Itchy McGray, who was there every day,

And though his doctors sure pleaded, he could not stay away.

He had caught whore diseases, he has picked at whore scabs,

Why, he even picked up a case of "whore crabs."

But, all of a sudden, he started to run,

Because the children's drunk father showed up with a gun!

He was mean, he was mad, he was seven feet tall,

But the bulge in his pants was two sizes too small.

Which may have explained why he went on a spree,

Of shooting the whores as they started to flee.

Seuss Dad: "One bitch, two bitch, old bitch, new bitch!"

Narrator: He said with a laugh as their bodies did twitch.

He stared at his wife as he squeezed on his GLOCK.

Seuss Dad: "I know it's your job, but why'd you Hop on my Pop?"

Seuss Mom: "We needed the cash,"

Narrator: She said through her tears,

Seuss Mom: "And besides, you haven't touched me in years.

But I've got just the thing!"

Narrator: She knew just what to do.

Seuss Mom: "Let's go home right now and make three kids, not two."

Narrator: And so, the kids' father got his own way,

And the bulge in his pants grew three sizes that day.

And the low-income family began life anew...

...At least 'til next month, when the rent would come due.

Yancy the Yo-Yo Baby [3.07]

[MTV Exposed appears across the screen in a television theme]

Dater: Really? The whole budget's just the camera and the van.

Friend: Dude, you're on.

Dater: Oh, now? Okay. Oh, this is royally gonna kick ass!

Friend: [from inside] I know! I'm gonna use the lie detection soft-ware to see which one the producer's told the lie to you. And you'll hit the other one in the face with your dick!

Dater: Boo-yah! And I'll give you sloppy seconds. Up top! Sloppy seconds!

Friend: [from inside] This show is awesome!

Dater: [seeing Barbie and Yasmin walking up to him] Dude, dude, dude! Here they come.

Barbie: Hi. I'm Barbie.

Yasmin: Wussup. I'm Yasmin.

Friend: [from inside] Bitches ain't lyin'!

Dater: So Barbie, how do you kick it?

Barbie: Well, I'm a doctor, Olympic skater, a scientist and a homemaker. And I like pink.

Friend: [from inside] Oh, snap! We got stuff in common!

Dater: How about you, Yasmin? How you get down?!

Yasmin: I like a man that takes care of me. I enjoy clubbing. Ooohhh! And shopping. I'm kind of a brat and I designed my own tramp stamp.

Friend: [from inside] That's you, and me, dude!

[We see Barbie, Yasmin, and the dater at the picnic table]

Barbie: Mmm, I love salad.

Yasmin: Me, too!

Friend: [from inside] She is lyin', dude!

Dater: Do you really enjoy salad, Yasmin?

Yasmin: Well, I am more into meat. [takes out the hotdog, and feels it with her face] Mmm-hmm. You know what I'm talking about?

Friend: [from inside the van, losing control] Oh, man. Oh man, she's telling t-the truth. She's telling...the truth.

Barbie: [annoyed] Hello, I was a space-shuttle commander! I have an R.V. and a convertible!

Dater: Yeah.

Yasmin: Feels so good.

Friend: [heard from the inside van, which is vibrating] It's true. It's true. She likes it, dog. She's likes it.

Dater: Oh, hell, yeah! I choose you! [grabs Yasmin and makes out with her]

Barbie: This is bull[bleep]! We still have 20 minutes left on the show!

Yasmin: Is that the hot topic?

Dater: Oh, you the one.

[The annoyed Barbie leaves]

Yasmin: Oh, baby, yes.

Dater: I knew I'd beat that whore.

Yasmin: Oh, yeah.

Dater: Oh, you del...oh, you taste like other men, though.

Yasmin: Oh, yes. This is doing wonders for my self-esteem.

Dater: Oh, you dirty.

Yasmin: I'm number one!

Dater: Oh, I feel [bleep] crawling on me already, [in a sing-song voice] but I don't care!

[The van exploded as they continued to make out]

More Blood, More Chocolate [3.08]

Bob the Builder: Why, someone left this job half-done. Can we fix it?

Scoop, Muck, Dizzy, Roley: Yes, we can!

Union member: [surrounded by two goons] Ain't nobody finishing nothing.

Bob: I'm sorry, who are you?

Union member: We're from the union, and we say you don't have the right equipment for this job.

Bob: We have all the equipment we need.

Union member: Really? You got a talking briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills over there?

Bob: No, but...

[Goons push and pound Bob between them and Union Guy kicks him in the balls]

Spud: Can I play too?

Union member: Sure, asshole. [rips off Spud's nose] Hope you like smelling what you ate.

[Pilchard the cat attacks the Union member. Bob uses his drill on a goon's face. Spud grabs a shovel and beats the goons with it]

Bob: Spud! Don't forget to wear your safety goggles.

Spud: Aw, thanks, Bob. [resumes beating the goon as the Union member runs away]

Roley: Woo, rock and roll! [flattens the Union member]

Bob: Now dig these mother[bleep]ers a grave, Scoop.

Scoop: [digging a hole] No prob, Bob!

[Muck loads the dead Union member and goons into the hole, Scoop pushes them in, and Dizzy fills the hole]

All: Yay!

Spud: [screwing his nose back on] Ew, New Jersey smells like bad tuna. Can we go home?

All: Yes, we can! Yay!

Moesha Poppins [3.10]

News anchor: In tonight's news, you can find the words; night, tight, tits, tots, stew, whino, ghost, and the name Tony if you spell it with an I.

Ban on the Fun [3.11]

Kowl: [flies into the Crystal Castle] Oh! Mantenna and Grizzlor are attacking the Whispering Woods! We need She-Ra!

Madame Razz: Shh! Kowl, this is not a good time.

Kowl: Not a good time?! But they're slaughtering the Twiggets!

Madame Razz: The Twiggets will have to wait. Adora has a visitor.

Kowl: A visitor? What kind of visitor?

Madame Razz: Her "Aunt Flo" is in town.

Kowl: [confused] Adora doesn't have an Aunt Flo.

Spirit: [quickly enters] Madame Razz, where is Adora? Shadow Weaver and Leech are attacking the Crystal Castle!

Madame Razz: Sorry, Spirit. She can't help you right now.

Spirit: But we need She-Ra!

Madame Razz: Adora's riding the "cotton pony" if you get my meaning-

Spirit: What, she got another horse?

Madame Razz: No, Spirit, it's not a real-

Spirit: I turn into Swift Wind! Can this cotton pony do that?

Bo: [quickly enters] Madame Razz! Catra, Scorpia and Entrapta are attacking Castle Bright Moon.

Madame Razz: She-Ra is unavailable, Bo.

Bo: Unavailable?!

Madame Razz: Yes! Adora is...um..."floating on the crimson tide" right now.

Bo: What the hell does this have to do with a particular type of algae bloom common to the Eastern Gulf of Mexico?!

Madame Razz: Ugh! Never mind. Neither Adora nor She-Ra can help any of you right now. Come back in, say, five days. Maybe four if it's a light month.

Kowl: But we need She-Ra!

[Kowl, Spirit, and Bo all start complaining together when suddenly an enraged Adora kicks down the door]

Adora: SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UP!!!!! What does it take to get some peace and quiet around here?! [Kowl, Spirit, and Bo all talk at once] You want She-Ra?! Is that it?! Huh?! Here she comes! [pulls out the Sword of Protection] For the honor of Greyskull, I am She-Ra! [transforms into She-Ra, before turning Spirit into Swift Wind] NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY!! [she and Swift Wind fly through the wall]

Madame Razz: Oh, dearie me, this isn't good.

[Outside the Crystal Castle, Leech pulls off the door with his hands before holding it over his head]

Leech: Why do I always have to be the one who...

[Swift Wind lands on the door, crushing Leech and sending Shadow Weaver flying]

She-Ra: Come here!

Shadow Weaver: No, wait!

[She-Ra jumps over and rips out Shadow Weaver's spine, before letting her dead body slump to the floor. Then, outside Castle Bright Moon, she cuts off Scorpia's tail]

Scorpia: AUGH!!!

[She-Ra then kills her before using the tail to murder Catra]

Entrapta: Why, you! [She-Ra grabs her breasts] AAHHH!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

She-Ra: [pulls Entrapta's breasts out and turns] Get over here!

[In the Whispering Woods, She-Ra starts strangling Mantenna causing his eyes to pop out which she grabs]

Mantenna: Hey! My eye-

[She-Ra rips off Mantenna's head. Grizzlor tries to make a run for it]

She-Ra: Oh, no, you don't! [painfully kicks him up the backside. Next, she and Swift Wind are seen returning to the Crystal Castle flying through the giant gaping hole she had made] There! Now can I get some [bleep]ing sleep?! [dismounts Swift Wind to reveal she is wearing Grizzor on her foot like a shoe, and heads back to her room]

Grizzlor: Argh! Kill me! Please kill me!

She-Ra: SHUT UP!!! [slams the door shut]

---

Spartan: [while at a party] THIS...IS...MARTHA!!

---

Scientist: [announcing Pluto's downgrade from planet status] Also, A is no longer a vowel, north no longer a direction...and your sister, no longer A VIRGIN!!

---

Man 1: Damn These Laff-A-Lympics! Even though we cheat, we always lose, but not this time.

Snagglepuss: They're gone. They're all gone, even.

Boo-Boo: What's going on Yogi?

Scooby-Doo: [over Hong Kong Phooey's dead body] He's dead! He's dead! And he's a dog!

Shaggy: Like what the [bleep] are you doing man?

Losin' the Wobble [3.12]

Reverse Flash: So long, Flash! You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to catch Reverse Flash!

Flash: Uh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me, but with the exact opposite color scheme, brilliant.

Superman: At least he wears a mask. Bizzaro Superman looks just like me, but with a face like somebody threw up in an ice tray. Seriously, looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someone's face again.

Wonder Woman: Have you ever seen Negative Wonder Woman?

Negative Wonder Woman: [wearing sleeves and stockings, displaying her breasts and pubes] Hey Wonder Woman! Fuck you! Now where did I leave my visible jet? Oh, look, there it is. Easy to find!

Wonder Woman: Don't grab her or anything.

Superman: I grab her.

Flash: Grab her till she couldn't walk. Booyah!

---

Barfly: You know, like the rest of the world, soccer is called "football". [two police officials attack the barfly] Hey! Hey-Ow! Ow! What's goin' on?! Why are you touching-?!

Announcer: Hello, there. What you've just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.

Nerd: Uh, in fact, no Star Trek episode contains the words, "Beam me up, Scotty." Agh! Ow, ow, my arm! My-argh! Ow! Ow-how! [It's the law, asshole!]

Civilian: You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy. Argh! Agh, agh-ha! Oh, help me, help me, help, me, help! [It's the law, asshole!]

Worker: Heroes is way better, because it actually answers stuff. On Lost, they don't even know what they're doing. Oof! What are you doing?! No, wait! Ooh, ugh, ooh, agh, oof, ugh! [It's the law, asshole!]

Slaughterhouse on the Prairie [3.13]

[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]

Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Papa Smurf Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?

Papa Smurf: This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?

Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Oh I'm Army Corp of Engineer Smurf.

Papa Smurf: That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer.

[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks]

Grandpa Smurf: I did't evacuate when them chipmunks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain.

[Flood water then crushes him. Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water]

Anderson Copper: Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?

[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store. Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV]

Gargamel: I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson [bleep]ing Copper find it in less than a day?

Anderson Copper: And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?

Brainy Smurf: Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf... [begins to look around surprised] Papa Smurf?

Anderson Copper": What is it Brainy?

Brainy Smurf: Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but...there are no smurfs left!

[Brainy starts crying. Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net]

Gargamel: Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of my life! RaHe He Heee!. [cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowl of smurfs from the oven. Cut to him at the dinner table] Triumph at last! Hahahaha. [takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away. He picks up the phone and makes a call, depressed] Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one. [hangs up phone and sighs]

Robot Chicken's Half-Assed Christmas Special [3.14]

Susie: [dancing to the music with her doll] Doo! Doo! Doo! Doo! I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus!

Husband: [crashes through the front door] I knew it! [throws his briefcase to the floor] That [bleep]ing Whore! [storms out the door and slams it shut. He arrives at the North Pole at a igloo and enters by kicking the ice door open revealing a trio of Eskimo brothers inside] Where is he?! Where's that Mother[bleep]er Santa Claus?!?!

Eskimo 1: What the hell man?! He's not real!

Eskimo 2: Do you know how long it takes to carve an ice door?!

[The husband grunts and pulls out a knife, and punches Eskimo 1 in the face five times, the final time knocking him into a tree and knocking him out, he then stabs Eskimo 2 in the stomach three times, then takes out a gun and shoots Eskimo 2 five times, killing him]

Eskimo 3: Oh! Ooh! My Brothers!!!

Husband: [threateningly] Now, Where's Santa Claus? [hits Eskimo 3 with the butt stock of the gun four times and sticks the gun one arms length the way in the face]

Eskimo 3: Oh! Okay! Okay! He's-He's...delivering gifts you know, that's what he does! So, he's not gonna be back for quite some time!

[The scene cuts to the outside of the igloo where Husband leaves and throws back a small grenade destroying the Igloo; killing Eskimos 1 and 3. The husband comes back home through the front door]

Wife: [on the phone with Mike] Oh no, wait...He just walked in. [hangs up and gives her husband a hug] Where have you been?

Husband: [angrily] I Know!

Wife: [confused] Know what?

Husband: Susie saw you, KISSING SANTA CLAUS!!!!!

Wife: That's Just a song, Silly! [plays the song]

Husband: [realizes] Oh, ha, ha, That makes sense! Man, I gotta start listening to more music!

Wife: I am [bleep]ing the Neighbor though.

Husband: Mike? How's he doing?

---

[Joseph and the pregnant Mary entered the stable in Bethlehem as she goes into labour]

Mary: Joseph, why couldn't you get us a room?

Joseph: There weren't any rooms left, Mary.

Mary: Oh, my vagina's about to splat out an entire human being, and they couldn't find me a bed?!

Joseph: It's okay, honey. This will be fine.

[As Mary gives birth, all the farm animals started farting]

Mary: Ohh! Ew! Oh, Joseph! Uhh! [accidentally farts]

Joseph: [waving his hand] Oh, God! Whew! No more falafel for you.

Mary: Sorry. [in pain] Aaahhh!

Joseph: Okay, okay, now push. Push. [the animals continue to fart] Okay, that was good, honey. You're doing great. I'll go get you some water.

[As Joseph gets some water, the pig starts going into Mary's private parts]

Mary: Joseph! [Joseph pushes the pig out of the way] Ew! Oh! Oh, here it comes! [as the animals continues to fart] Aaahhh! Aaaahhhh!

Joseph: Okay, baby, keep breathing. This is it, now! Oh, honey, that's it! I can see it! I can see the head! Now push!

[The animals fart one last time]

Mary: Aaahhh! [finished giving birth] Our baby! [holding her son] Little Jesus...he's so beautiful.

[Baby Jesus farts]

Old Man: Hello? Is everything okay? I heard yelling. Oh, it's very dark in here. [about to light the match]

Joseph: [alarmed, slow motion] No-o-o-o-o!

[The old man lit up the match, but there is a huge explosion, and the fire shot up to the sky, mistaken as the Christmas Star]

Wise Man: That must be the sign we're looking for! The lord Jesus Christ is born!

---

[Husband lighting up the Christmas lights, and the Christmas lights where it says, "Happy Holidays"]

Kid: Wow! Awesome! Go, Dad!

Wife: Oh, ho, ho, my goodness, dear! [the Christmas lights malfunction, spark and the H letter gets set on fire] Oh, my God!

[All the Christmas lights letters caught on fire]

Husband: Oh, my God!

[The neighbor's rooftop on the left caught on fire]

Husband, Wife, and Kid: Oh, my God!

[The neighbor has a fire on his head. He fall nude out of the window, the three kids run away outside, the neighbor's wife, in lingerie, falls out of the house, the neighbor crawls away, the dog that's on fire runs away, and accidently melts the snowman]

Old Man: [rolling faster on the wheelchair to the kid, screaming] I'M ON FIRE!!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?! [grabs the kid who screamed]

[Cut to the kid as an adult]

Man: And that's why I turned to Judaism.

Man's son: Uh, Dad, that's a great story, but I think you forgot to blow out the menorah.

[The menorah has set the house on fire]

Man: Damn it!

---

[At high school]

Bully: [trips over the Nerd] Blam!

Nerd: My studies! [the bully gives him a wedgie] Oh! These are brand-new.

Bully: [throws the Nerd into the locker] Blam! Ha! That's for...uh...Ah, nerd! [leaves]

Nerd: [getting pulled into Narnia from the inside locker] Whoa...Oomph! [falls onto the snow, and stands up] My goodness! I've fallen into a strange and magical land. [picks up the club as Mr. Tumnus appears behind him] Well, you're no Excalibur, but then again, I'm no King Arthur.

Mr. Tumnus: [to the Nerd] Hello, there, stranger. I'm Mr...

Nerd: [frightened] Aah! [hits Mr. Tumnus 14 times] M-M-M-Monster! Monster! Monster, die! [finished killing Mr. Tumnus] Wow...I killed that creature. I'm a hero! Good job, Excalibur II! But I'm freezing.

White Witch: [arrives on the sleigh] I, the White Witch, have sensed a new-Holy [bleep]!

[We see the Nerd cremated Mr. Tumnus. He turns, and sees the White Witch]

Nerd: [gasps, and bows] My queen!

White Witch: Oh, uh...care to come to my castle and enjoy some Turkish delight?

Nerd: [dancing very silly] Oh, boy! My first sexual experience without a computer!

White Witch: [like a valley girl] Turkish delight is a candy.

Nerd: Oh, boy! Candy!

[At the White Witch's Castle as the Nerd enjoys eating Turkish delight candies]

White Witch: And now, my champion, we will defeat my enemy, the talking lion!

Nerd: What?! A talking lion? Pbht! You mean there's no dragons or balrogs or ringwraiths?

White Witch: No, just a talking lion...Who's an allegory for Jesus.

Nerd: Well, I don't know. Even a talking lion is pretty scary, and I'm not all that... [the annoyed White Witch shows him her breasts; gasps] Your wish is my command. [later seen riding the unicorn, carrying the sword] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! This is the best larp ever!

Unicorn: Later, I'll show you how to cross swords!

[We cut to the forest with Santa Claus and two children]

Santa Claus: [giving them bows and arrows] And now, young children, may these guide you through your journeys.

Boy: Why is Santa Claus giving us lethal weapons?

Santa Claus: [sees the Nerd] There he is, children! kill him!

Nerd: I'm on the horse! Whee!

[The girl aims at the Nerd, but accidentally shoots Santa in the back of the head, killing him. After a few moments of silence, the children steals Santa's sack and tiptoed away]

Nerd: [riding through the valley of Narnia] Eat your heart out, "Worlds of Warcraft"!

[We cut to Aslan and the Centaur]

Aslan: [sighs] This is why kids should read good Christian fantasy instead of "Harry Potter. "

Centaur: You see that play with Daniel Radcliffe's penis?

Aslan: What kind of question is that to ask the Jesus-allegory lion? [pause] But, yes.

Nerd: [slices Alsan's head] Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! [Aslan's head slid down to the ground] 300 experience points for me! Great job, Excalibur III!

[Back at high school]

Bully: I'm bored. Where'd I leave that nerd? [opens the wrong locker]

Daniel: [comes out] Oh, thank you, sir. It's very tight in there.

Bully: [pushes Daniel back into the locker] Oh, not that nerd! [hears the unicorn neighing] What the...

Nerd: [rides out of the locker] Yeah! [slices the bully's head, killing him] Hoo-hoo!

[We cut to the principal's office]

Principal: [angrily] You're both in big trouble!

Nerd: [in his mind] It was worth it, my queen. [making out himself]

Principal: I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent records!

Unicorn: [crying] You can't tell my parents!

Principal: Do you even go to this school?!

Unicorn: [moves closer] Do you?!

---

[At the office Christmas party]

Santa Claus: [having fun with girls] Whoooooo! I love Office Christmas Parties!

Worker: Ha ha ha! Oh, Dave is a riot at these things!

Dave: But, I'm Dave.

Worker: But then, who's-

Reindeer: [appears before Santa] Dude, we are falling way behind! Let's get outta here!

---

[On the ice pond, everyone is skating. Snoopy tosses Linus into a tree, a la "A Charlie Brown Christmas"]

Franklin: Oh no! Were late for Christmas play rehearsal!

Frieda: Don’t worry. Charlie Browns in charge. We can just ignore him and dance repetitively.

Kid: I love dancing repetitively!

[All kids leave. Linus is left under the tree until nightfall when a unknown person approaches him. Later, Linus wakes up and finds that he is tied to the bed by his blanket. Sally is standing by his side]

Sally: Linus! You're awake!

Linus: Uhhhh, why am I tied up?

Sally: Because you're going to write me the love letter I always wanted!

Linus: Love letter? I need to go to a hospital!

Sally: I always wanted to be a nurse! They have such pretty white shoes! [leaves]

Linus: Things look bad for ol' Linus.

[Outside of Snoopy’s dog house]

Charlie Brown: Snoopy, have you seen Linus? He was supposed to walk me to chemo...Can you help me find him?

[Snoopy nods, jumps behind the dog house and reemerges as Batman with Woodstock as Robin. A montage ensues with Snoopy and Woodstock parodying the Batman & Robin TV show introduction. Back in reality, Snoopy is seen on top of his dog house punching air]

Charlie Brown: [sigh] Good grief.

[Inside]

Sally: I made snowflake soup! I know how much you like catching snowflakes on your tongue.

Linus: So basically you made me a bowl of hot water? [doorbell rings. Sally runs to answer the door, but accidentally tosses the bowl of hot water on Linus' lap] Ahhhh!

[Front door. Sally opens the door and finds Snoopy as Batman standing on the step, but mistakes him for...]

Sally: Val Kilmer? [Snoopy shakes his head no] Heeeey, you're my brother's dog! [Snoopy points to the tree where Sally snatched up Linus, and follows the tracks that lead up to the doorstep] I shoulda known you'd figure it out. You're always so snoopy. Oh heeeey! Snoopy! That's your name! It all makes sense now!

[Sally and Snoopy laugh for a second, until Sally brutally beats Snoopy with a shovel and drags him inside. Sally dumps Snoopy's dead body down into the cellar, a la Misery. In Linus' room, he is writing on paper with a seemingly free hand]

Linus: Oh my God! They just murdered Val Kilmer!

Sally: Where's my love letter, Sweet Babboo? [picks up and reads the letter] This isn't a love letter! It's a cry for help! Did you think I'd let you mail it?!

Linus: But Sally, it's Christmas!

Sally: You're right! I almost forgot! [brings in a spikey old Christmas tree, very similar to the one from "A Charlie Brown Christmas", and places it between Linus' ankles] Does this tree look sturdy enough?

Linus: Uhhh, f-for what? [Sally takes a hammer and breaks Linus' ankle on the tree, a la Misery] SCHUUUUUUUULTZ!!!

[Later, Linus has his ankles wrapped in gauze and he finishes the "love letter"]

Linus: [sigh] It's done.

Sally: Really?! Can I read it? [reading the letter] "Dear Sally, see the words on this page? Please, keep your eyes on them so you don't notice the thing I'm about to do." [as Sally is reading the letter, Linus unties himself and prepares to strangle Sally] Wow! I'm hu-

[Linus comes from behind and begins to strangle Sally as she gasps for air, each time Linus tightening the blanket's hold on her throat]

Linus: [as Sally begins to lose consciousness] Shhh, shhh. It's almost over. Shhh.

[Sally loses consciousness. Linus releases his grip and lets her fall to the floor. Charlie Brown enters]

Charlie Brown: Linus! Thank goodness! I've been looking everywhere for you!

Linus: I WAS IN YOUR HOUSE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!

Charlie Brown: Good grief! I can't do anything right! Even my sister's a psycho!

Linus: I never thought she was that bad. She wasn't that bad at all, really. Maybe she just needed a little love. [Sally regains consciousness, gasping for air, but Linus smashes a lamp over her head, killing her] By the way, Val Kilmer's dead.

Tubba-Bubba's Now Hubba-Hubba [3.15]

Pac-Angle: Hello Pac-Man. What if I told you that everything you know is a lie. Your just a part of a computer program.

Pac-Man: What are you talking about?

Pac-Angle: Eat the red pellet & you will go further down the rabbit hole.

[Pac-Man eats the pellet & in a spoof of The Matrix Pac-Man gets shot by Pinky & Inky & dies. The screen reads "Game Over"]

Boo Cocky [3.16]

Orderly: Hey, what's on the menu today?

Chef: I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.

Orderly: Oh, my God.

[After dinner, the inmates are rioting, beating themselves with trays, drawing on the walls, and farting incessantly. Switches to TiVo listing, with the following dialogue unseen]

Gary: I think I've had enough of that show. Delete!

[Delete? Are you sure you want to delete: Robot Chicken: "Boo Cocky? Yes No"]

Enrique: [highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?

Gary: I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.

Enrique: No, I love Robot Chicken.

Gary: It's all farting and retards.

Enrique: Well, I like it.

Gary: Tough titties.

Enrique: Ass! We split the cable bill.

Gary: TV doesn't have to be stupid...

Enrique: I want...

Gary: [cont'd] ...it can be challenging, even brainy...

Enrique: [cocks his shotgun] Oh, yeah? You want something brainy on the TV?! [BLAM! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [BLAM! More blood splattered.]

Friend: [sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates]

Bionic Cow [3.17]

Marv: [narrating] I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, "Only floss the ones you wanna keep"; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin' to cross the street. Grandma couldn't have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her.

Marv: Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line.

Marv: [narrator] Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands.

Marv: Here you go, buddy.

Marv: [narrating] Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.

---

Jane: [saw Tarzan yelling] My goodness! Father, what was that?

Archimedes Q. Porter: It appears to be a jungle dwelling ape man.

Jane: Yeah, yeah, I know, I meant that.

Archimedes Q. Porter: Oh. That's a penis.

Jane: I think I like penis.

Archimedes Q. Porter: Well, you are your mother's daughter.

Monstourage [3.18]

[In a doctor's office, the doctor is about to give a boy named Arthur a vaccination]

Doctor: Now, this will only hurt for a second. [Arthur screams, swats his arms, and flinches, knocks the syringe out of the doctor's hand. It flies into the air and comes down, impaling the doctor in the eye!] MY EYE!!! MY EYE!!!

[As the doctor groans in pain and stumbles out through the door, he bumps into a table, and a box of scalpels falls off of it and onto the floor. The doctor then steps on the scalpels, which impale his foot. The doctor screams in even more pain and stumbles face first into a glass-doored display case, impaling him further with glass shards! We then cut to the office's waiting room, where several patients are awaiting their appointments and checkups. The injured doctor then bursts through the door, flailing his arms and stumbling around. Everyone flees in terror, and an old woman hits him in the face with her purse, knocking him out the window, where he falls into a dumpster below. Stumbling around on a sidewalk in the city streets, the doctor bounces into the way of a passing car and collides with it, which spins out of control, hits some pedestrians who are strolling on the sidewalk, and crashes into the wall of a porcupine farm. Next, the doctor flies through the farm's window, where he is impaled by the porcupines' quills. Finally, he stumbles out through the front door and screams in agony. We cut back to the doctor's office, where it is shown that the whole thing never happened, the doctor is fine and talking to Arthur from the beginning of the sketch]

Doctor: And that's what'll happen if you flinch. [Arthur holds out his arm, awaiting the shot] Oh, no, Arthur, this shot doesn't go in your arm. It goes in the tip of your penis.

---

[The sketch opens to Doc's workshop Doc is with his pet dog Sprocket, and they have an exterminator investigating Fraggle Rock]

Doc: Well, my dog is always barking at that hole. So I figured there must be something down there.

Exterminator: Rats, snakes. Could be any number of reasons to overbill you, but I've got something that'll fix the problem. [throws something that looks like a flashlight or lantern down the hole]

Doc: Will that kill them all?

Exterminator: No, this is so I'll know where to throw this! [throws a grenade down the hole, ducks and covers Doc and himself]

[Inside Fraggle Rock]

Fraggles: [singing] Happy, happy day, Fraggles say it's a happy day, Happy, happy day, Nothing can go wrong...

[The grenade falls down into Fraggle Rock and explodes. The place starts to collapse]

Gobo: Holy crap! We gotta get outta here! RUN!!! [the place continues to collapse, with only Mokey, Gobo, Wembley, Red, Boober, and three nameless Fraggles making it out in time] Oh, this is bad!

Mokey: What are we going to do? We have no home.

Gobo: Hey, hey! Uncle Traveling Matt's been sending me postcards from the outer world for years. With their guidance, I'll find us a new Fraggle Rock.

Wembley: WAIT! STOP!!

Gobo: What's wrong, Wembley?

Wembley: I see a terrible thing coming! Fire and death! There's blood everywhere! Something very bad is coming!

Gobo: You got to work on the "pre" part of prechification, douchebag. [kicks Wembley in the crotch] IN YOUR BALLS!

Mokey: [kicks him in the crotch] Take that!

Red: Yeah, kick the BALLS!

Boober: There you go.

Wembley: I now have a vagina.

[The Fraggles stop at a road; a vehicle zooms by]

Red: What was that?

Gobo: Uncle Matt says they're called, "Beep-Beep-Outta-the-Way-Assholes"! But they're harmless.

Driver 1: [beep beep] Out of the way, asshole!

[The Fraggles start crossing the road; all the vehicles try to dodge them]

Driver 2: Out of the way, asshole!

[Two of the vehicles crash, setting a Green Fraggle; he screams as he burns to death ad runs around circles as the Fraggles watch in shock]

Wembley: D-D-D-D-Death.

Gobo: [slaps Wembley] You should've warned us! I'm sure our troubles are all in the past. [the Fraggles are being chased across the water by Sprocket] Hurry, it's right behind us!

[Sprocket catches one of the Fraggles and hurts him]

Purple Fraggle: Hey, guys, please kill me...kill me, please. [the other Fraggles beat him to death] Ow! NO! WAIT! STOP! OW! I'VE CHANGED BY MIND!

Gobo: Hang in there! We're almost done!

[They arrive at a farm]

Boober: I can't go on! Just leave me!

Mokey: We need food, Gobo. We're starving.

Fraggle: I smell radishes!

[The Fraggle leaves and a strange noise is heard; the other Fraggles go behind the barn and find him being killed in a trap next to a radish patch]

Gobo: He was right, look at all the radishes!

Fraggles: YAY!

Gobo: Eat up! There is plenty enough for everybody! [shoves a radish into the dying Fraggle's mouth to feed him as he rolls over dead]

[The Fraggles find their new home]

Gobo: We did it everyone! Now it's time to start repopulating!

Fraggles: YAY!

Wembley: Wait! I'm getting another vision! I see...I see...THAT I'M GONNA GET MY FREAK ON!!!

[Oil floods the home and the Fraggles are killed]

President Evil [3.19]

Danny Ocean: I'm Danny Ocean, and for this caper, we're gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and "Weird Al" Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denver's corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, you'll slip in the back. Any questions?

Teams 1 and 2: No!

Danny Ocean: Then let's do this.

---

[In the kitchen, Rosa and her mother played puzzle, while grandma walked slowly]

Rosa: Mama, why does Grandma walked so slow?

Mother: Because Grandma's old, honey, and her bones are very brittle.

Rosa: Mama, what's brittle?

Mother: You know like um...like..peanut brittle, dear.

Rosa: Mmmm! Yummy! [runs out of the kitchen]

Grandma: [off-screen] Oh, hi, little Rosa, oh. What are you do..?! Hey!

[Mother was shocked and ran out of the kitchen]

Rosa: [off-screen] Where's the peanut brittle?! I want the peanut brittle! Where is it?! Give to me, I just want it!

Mother: [off-screen] Rosa, no! Let go Grandma's leg!

---

[A rating comes up. Then, we see Yogi and Boo-Boo in Jellystone spotting a picnic lunch completely deserted]

Yogi: Hey, hey, hey! A pic-a-nic basket!

Boo-Boo: It's pronounced "Picnic", Yogi. "Picnic"!

[All of a sudden, a hunter pops out]

Hunter: Hey! My lunch!

[The hunter is about to shoot Yogi but Yogi tries to pull the gun away accidentally killing the hunter in the process]

Boo-Boo: Oh, we gotta run, Yogi!

[Yogi and Boo-Boo run for their lives with 2 police officers right behind them. A sheriff looks at a map of Jellystone with Ranger Smith right next to him]

Ranger Smith: You'll never catch him. He's smarter than the average bear.

[A cop searches for Yogi not knowing he's behind him and Yogi grabs him from behind]

Yogi: Surprise! [slits the cop's neck with a knife and makes a run for it, but is killed by the sheriff]

Boo-Boo: Noooo! Yogi! [in a fiery rage, Boo-Boo wearing a bandana and a chest of bullets grabs two guns and starts shooting like crazy]

[Caption: RAM-BOO-BOO. Back in the theatre, the kids are talking]

Kid: Shhhh! I'm trying to watch these trailers, y'all! [moment of silence] I just playin'. You go trailers! [hollers]

Chirlaxx [3.20]

Sir Mix-a-Lot: (to tune of "Baby Got Back)
This table's long, but it should be round
King Arthur can't hear a sound
When a knight tries to talk
That brother's gotta walk
'bout half a freakin' block to be heard
Can't hear a word
'cause this table is so absurd
Us knights got much to discuss
But this table's ridiculous

Balki: Don't be ridiculous

Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear
"Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"

Sir Belvedere: Say what?!

Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by eighty
Can't even flirt with ladies
Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal
If you're trying to cop a feel
We need a new proportion
To bring our kingdom fortune
I got an idea that might work for ya
I'm-a make this mother circular
Sir Galahad!

Sir Galahad: Yeah!

Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!

Sir Percival: Yeah!

Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others talk?

Knights: Hell yeah!

Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down
It's like King Arthur's crown
Table be round! Table be round.
Now with this circulation
We can have nice conversation

Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?

Sir Percival: I can hear!

Sir Galahad: Holy cow!

Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...

Everybody: WOW!

King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail

Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter
You know hos like diameter

Knight: Bumping this with the circumference

All: Table be round!

Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].