Robot Chicken (season 3)

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The following is a list of quotes from the third season Robot Chicken.

Werewolf vs. Unicorn [3.01][edit]

[The final scene of season 2 plays, with everyone being killed by Matthew Senreich, including Seth Green - cut to a graveyeard, where we see all the characters' tombstones, and stops at Seth's. A zombie hand pushes from the dirt]
Mike Lazzo: Ratings are through the roof, bitches. We're fixin' to renew, y'all.
Matthew: That's what the fuck I'm talking about!
Keith Crofford: But at what cost?
Mike: You say something Keith?
Keith: No, no I didn't say anything. [Seth, as a zombie, smashes through window and starts to eat Keith's brains] Arrrgghh!!!!!!
Mike: Gravy cornbread!
Matthew: Holy fucking ass-crackers!
[Mike and Matthew run towards the elevator]
Mike: Oh, fuck!
Matthew: (repeately pushing the elevator button) Come on, come on, coommee oonnn...
[Seth, writers and characters break through walls and ceiling, after Matthew and Mike]
Mike: Dang it! What do we do now?
Matthew: I've got an idea! [pushes Mike into the zombies]
Mike: Aw, you rattlesnake!! [eaten by zombies]
Matthew: [jumps in elevator] Yes! [Matthew exit the elevator, approaches a locked door; tried to open but still locked] No!
[the zombies wait patiently and quietly in the elevator]
Matthew: Noo!!! [Seth and other zombies exit the elveator; Matthew picks up his cell phone, reading the message WOW] Wow! Oh, wait. Oh, it's just Mom.
[the zombies dance to the ringtone, resembling the dance from Michael Jackson's Thriller. Suddenly the ringtone stops.]
Matthew: No!!!! [the zombies stop dancing and are going to eat Matthew's brain] Look at the new contract! We get health benefits! Oh God, please don't eat my brains!
[Seth grabs the contract and discussing with the other zombies about health benefits. Cut to the writers lounge]
Mike Fasolo: [sighs] Smells like wet garbage in here.
Matthew: Yo, what do you guys want for lunch today?
Seth (zombie]: Brains!
Doug (zombie]: Brains!
Mike: Subway.
Tom (zombie]: Brains.
Matthew: Brains it is.
Mike: Oh, I hate brains.

Squaw Bury Shortcake [3.02][edit]

[A little boy is brushing his teeth in his bathroom as a green monster pops out of his toilet.]

Monster: Are you Timmy? [The little boy shakes his head no.] Dammit! I'll find him. [disappears back in the toilet.]

[Ents running past a little girl.]

Little Girl: Run Forest Run!

Godzilla: So why are you here?
Godzilla Jr.: I want to destroy cities and rid the streets of weaponry.
Godzilla: Yeah, but, why are you really here?
Godzilla Jr.: I wanna be king of the monsters.
Godzilla: There you go. Now, if you stick with me, you'll make it, but, uh, you gotta unlearn that bullshit that they teach ya in Monster Island now, cuz that shit gonna get ya killed out here.
Godzilla Jr.: I'll do anything you want me to do.
Godzilla: [laughs] My lizard. Now how's your Japanese?
Godzilla Jr.: Not that good.
Godzilla: Well, you learn that shit then, brother, cos that shit gonna get ya killed. These motherfuckers out there be plottin' all types of shit on ya.
Godzilla: Hey yo, Mazinger! You got my stuff?
Mazinger: Yo, what you need, Zilla? Check it out, I got rocket firing hands; I got rockets for your shoulders and legs, man, my shit is tight!
Godzilla: Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. But anyway... [roars, shoots a beam at Mazinger, killing him]
Godzilla Jr.: What did you do!?
Godzilla: Justifiable homicide on the line of duty.
Godzilla Jr.: No, that was murder!
Godzilla: Open your eyes, son.
Godzilla Jr.: That man was your friend, and you killed him like a fly!
Godzilla: Why is he my friend, huh? Because he knows my name? Mazinger sold guns and rockets; the world is a better place without him anyway. Now get your ass in the car.
Godzilla Jr.: No way, man. I'm getting reassigned.
Godzilla: Well, you do that! You tell them what I did; I don't give a damn, cuz I got news for ya: King Kong ain't got shit on me! [King Kong appears behind him and throws feces at Godzilla]

Tapping a Hero [3.04][edit]

Old Woman: Help! I've fallen and I can't get up! [long pause] I said, I've fallen —
MedicAlert employee: MedicAlert at you service!
Old Woman: Oh, thank goodness. You see, I've fallen and I can't get... [employee tiptoes to the lounge] Uh... mister? Sir? [employee steals television] With my things, you're... [steals her handbag] What are you doi — ?

Shoe [3.05][edit]

Ted Kennedy: [gripping Arnold Schwarzenegger over a bridge] Remember when I said I'd kill you last?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: No! I don't recall — Oh! You were quoting a line from my movie.
Ted Kennedy: I lied!
Arnold Schwarzenegger: I know how it goes! [dropped off bridge] You suck! [dies]

[Sonic runs through Green Hill Zone past the speed limit. He then gets caught in a spikestrip, smashes onto the ground and bleeds to death]

SWAT 1: That stopped him.
SWAT 2: Yeah, but man, a spikestrip? I mean, couldn't we had tried a warning first?
SWAT 1: Yeah, we could've, but we didn't. Heh heh heh.

Endless Breadsticks [3.06][edit]

Pound Puppies: If you don't buy us, we get killed!

More Blood, More Chocolate [3.08][edit]

Bob the Builder: Why, someone left this job half-done. Can we fix it?
Scoop, Muck, Dizzy, Roley: Yes, we can!
Union member: [surrounded by two goons] Ain't nobody finishing nothing.
Bob: I'm sorry, who are you?
Union member: We're from the union, and we say you don't have the right equipment for this job.
Bob: We have all the equipment we need.
Union member: Really? You got a talking briefcase full of hundred-dollar bills over there?
Bob: No, but... [Goons push and pound Bob between them and Union Guy kicks him in the balls]
Spud: Can I play too?
Union member: Sure, asshole. [Rips off Spud's nose] Hope you like smelling what you ate.
[Pilchard the cat attacks the Union member. Bob uses his drill on a goon's face. Spud grabs a shovel and beats the goons with it.]
Bob: Spud! Don't forget to wear your safety goggles.
Spud: Aw, thanks, Bob.
[He resumes beating the goon as the Union member runs away]
Roley: Woo, rock and roll! [Flattens the Union member]
Bob: Now dig these motherfuckers a grave, Scoop.
Scoop: [digging a hole] No prob, Bob!
[Muck loads the dead Union member and goons into the hole, Scoop pushes them in, and Dizzy fills the hole]
All: Yay!
Spud: [screwing his nose back on] Ew, New Jersey smells like bad tuna. Can we go home?
All: Yes, we can! Yay!

Moesha Poppins [3.10][edit]

News anchor: In tonight's news, you can find the words; night, tight, tits, tots, stew, whino, ghost, and the name Tony if you spell it with an i.

Ban on the Fun [3.11][edit]

Spartan: [while at a party] THIS...IS...MARTHA!!

Scientist: [announcing Pluto's downgrade from planet status] Also, A is no longer a vowel, north no longer a direction... and your sister, no longer A VIRGIN!!

Man 1: Damn These Laff-A-Lympics! Even though we cheat, we always lose, but not this time.
Snagglepuss: They're gone. They're all gone, even.
Boo-Boo: What's going on Yogi?
Scooby-Doo: [over Hong Kong Phooey's dead body] He's dead! He's dead! And he's a dog!
Shaggy: Like what the fuck are you doing man?

Losin' the Wobble [3.12][edit]

Reverse Flash: So long, Flash! You'll have to pick up the pace if you want to catch Reverse Flash!
Flash: Uh! Again with Reverse Flash! He looks just like me, but with the exact opposite color scheme, brilliant.
Superman: At least he wears a mask. Bizzaro Superman looks just like me, but with a face like somebody threw up in an ice tray. Seriously, looks like someone shit out kryptonite and then put it on someone's face again.
Wonder Woman: Have you ever seen Negative Wonder Woman?
Negative Wonder Woman: [wearing sleeves and stockings, dispaying her breasts and pubes] Hey Wonder Woman! Fuck you! Now where did I leave my visible jet? Oh, look, there it is. Easy to find!
Wonder Woman: Don't grab her or anything.
Superman: I grab her.
Flash: Grab her till she couldn't walk. Booyah!

Barfly: You know, like the rest of the world, soccer is called "football". [Two police officials attack the barfly] Hey! Hey — Ow! Ow! What's goin' on? Why are you touching — ?
Announcer: Hello, there. What you've just seen was a dramatization of the new Asshole laws enacted by Congress, which going to effect January 1st. It's now a federal offense to point out that soccer is actually called football.
Nerd: Uh, in fact, no Star Trek episode contains the words, "Beam me up, Scotty." Agh! Ow, ow, my arm! My — argh! Ow! Ow-how! [It's the law, asshole!]
Civilian: You know, Iceland is actually green, and Greenland is actually icy. Argh! Agh, agh-ha! Oh, help me, help me, help, me, help! [It's the law, asshole!]
Worker: Heroes is way better, because it actually answers stuff. On Lost, they don't even know what they're doing. Oof! What are you doing? No, wait! Ooh, ugh, ooh, agh, oof, ugh! [It's the law, asshole!]

Slaughterhouse on the Prairie [3.13][edit]

[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf Village]
Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Papa Smurf Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam breaks?
Papa Smurf: This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?
Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: Oh I'm Army Corp of Engineer Smurf.
Papa Smurf: That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer.
[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs piled haphazardly across the river, breaks.]
Grandpa Smurf: I did't evacuate when them chipmonks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain. :[Flood water then crushes him. Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating in the water.]
Anderson Copper: "Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?"
[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store. Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on TV.]
Gargamel: I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson (bleep)ing Copper find it in less than a day?
Anderson Copper: And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?
Brainy Smurf: Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf... [Begins to look around surprised] Papa Smurf?
Anderson Copper": What is it Brainy?
Brainy Smurf: Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but... there are no smurfs left!
[Brainy starts crying. Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing net.]
Gargamel: Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of my life! RaHe He Heee!. [Gargamel is cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in blenders and pulling out a bowl of smurfs from the oven. Cut to Gargamel is at the dinner table]
Gargamel: Triumph at last hahhaha. [Takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over to the garbage can throws them away. He picks up the phone and makes a call, depressed.] Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one. [Hangs up phone and sighs.]

Robot Chicken's Half-Assed Christmas Special [3.14][edit]

[On the ice pond, everyone is skating. Snoopy tosses Linus into a tree, a la A Charlie Brown Christmas.]
Franklin: Oh no! We’re late for Christmas play rehearsal!
Frieda: Don’t worry. Charlie Brown’s in charge. We can just ignore him and dance repetitively.
Kid: I love dancing repetitively!
[All kids leave. Linus is left under the tree until nightfall when a unknown person (we are looking from their POV) approaches him. Linus wakes up and finds that he is tied to a bed by his blanket. Sally is by his side.]
Sally: Linus! You’re awake!
Linus: Uhhhh, why am I tied up?
Sally: Because you’re going to write me the love letter I always wanted!
Linus: Love letter? I need to go to a hospital!
Sally: I always wanted to be a nurse! They have such pretty white shoes! (leaves)
Linus: Things look bad for ol' Linus.
[Outside of Snoopy’s dog house]
Charlie Brown: Snoopy, have you seen Linus? He was supposed to walk me to chemo… Can you help me find him?
[Snoopy nods, jumps behind the dog house and reemerges as Batman with Woodstock as Robin. A montage ensues with Snoopy and Woodstock parodying the Batman & Robin TV show introduction. Back in reality, Snoopy is seen on top of his dog house punching air.]
Charlie Brown: *sigh* Good grief.
[Inside]
Sally: I made snowflake soup! I know how much you like catching snowflakes on your tongue.
Linus: So basically you made me a bowl of hot water? [Doorbell rings. Sally runs to answer the door, but accidentally tosses the bowl of hot water on Linus’ lap.] Ahhhh!
[Front door. Sally opens the door and finds Snoopy as Batman standing on the step, but mistakes him for…]
Sally: Val Kilmer? [Snoopy shakes his head no.] Heeeey, you’re my brother’s dog! [Snoopy points to the tree where Sally snatched up Linus, and follows the tracks that lead up to the doorstep.] I shoulda known you’d figure it out. You’re always so snoopy. Oh heeeey! Snoopy! That’s your name! It all makes sense now!
[Sally and Snoopy laugh for a second, until Sally brutally beats Snoopy with a shovel and drags him inside. Sally dumps Snoopy’s dead body down into the cellar, a la Misery. In Linus’ room, he is writing on paper with a seemingly free hand.]
Linus: Oh my God! They just murdered Val Kilmer!
Sally: Where’s my love letter, Sweet Babboo? [picks up and reads the letter] This isn’t a love letter! It’s a cry for help! Did you think I’d let you mail it?!
Linus: But Sally, it’s Christmas!
Sally: You’re right! I almost forgot! [brings in a spikey old Christmas tree, very similar to the one from A Charlie Brown Christmas, and places it between Linus’ ankles.] Does this tree look sturdy enough?
Linus: Uhhh, f-for what? [Sally takes a hammer and breaks Linus’ ankle on the tree, a la Misery.] SCHUUUUUUUULZ!!!
[Later, Linus has his ankles wrapped in gauze and he finishes the "love letter."]
Linus: *sigh* It’s done.
Sally: Really?! Can I read it? [reading the letter:] "Dear Sally, see the words on this page? Please keep your eyes on them so you don’t notice the thing I’m about to do." [as Sally is reading the letter, Linus unties himself and prepares to strangle Sally.] Wow! I’m hu-
[Linus comes from behind and begins to strangle Sally as she gasps for air, each time Linus tightening the blanket’s hold on her throat.]
Linus: (as Sally begins to lose consciousness) Shhh, shhh. It’s almost over. Shhh.
[Sally loses consciousness. Linus releases his grip and lets her fall to the floor. Charlie Brown enters.]
Charlie Brown: Linus! Thank goodness! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!
Linus: I WAS IN YOUR HOUSE, YOU BLOCKHEAD!
Charlie Brown: Good grief! I can’t do anything right! Even my sister’s a psycho!
Linus: I never thought she was that bad. She wasn’t that bad at all, really. Maybe she just needed a little love. [Sally regains consciousness, gasping for air, but Linus smashes a lamp over her head, killing her.] By the way, Val Kilmer’s dead.

Tubba-Bubba's Now Hubba-Hubba [3.15][edit]

Pac-Angle: Hello Pac-Man. What if I told you that everything you know is a lie. Your just a part of a computer program.
Pac-Man: What are you talking about?
Pac-Angle: Eat the red pellet & you will go further down the rabbit hole.
[Pac-Man eats the pellet & in a spoof of The Matrix Pac-Man gets shot by Pinky & Inky & dies. The screen reads "Game Over"]

Boo Cocky [3.16][edit]

Orderly: Hey, what's on the menu today?
Chef: I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.
Orderly: Oh, my God.
[After dinner, the inmates are rioting, beating themselves with trays, drawing on the walls, and farting incessantly. Switches to TiVo listing, with the following dialogue unseen]
Gary: I think I've had enough of that show. Delete!
["Delete? Are you sure you want to delete: Robot Chicken: "Boo Cocky?" Yes No"]
Enrique: [highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?
Gary: I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.
Enrique: No, I love Robot Chicken.
Gary: It's all farting and retards.
Enrique: Well, I like it.
Gary: Tough titties.
Enrique: Ass! We split the cable bill.
Gary: TV doesn't have to be stupid...
Enrique: I want...
Gary: [cont'd] ...it can be challenging, even brainy...
Enrique: [cocks his shotgun] Oh, yeah? You want something brainy on the TV?! [BLAM! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [BLAM! More blood splattered.]
Friend: [sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [Dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [Selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates.]

Bionic Cow [3.17][edit]

Marv: (narrating) I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, "Only floss the ones you wanna keep"; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin' to cross the street. Grandma couldn't have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her.
Marv: Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line.
Marv: Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands.
Marv: Here you go, buddy.
Marv: Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.

Monstourage [3.18][edit]

[The sketch opens to Doc's workshop Doc is with Sprocket (his pet dog), and they have an exterminator investigating Fraggle Rock]
Doc: Well, my dog is always barking at that hole. So I figured there must be something down there.
Exterminator: Rats, snakes. Could be any number of reasons to overbill you, but I've got something that'll fix the problem.
[He throws something that looks like a flashlight or lantern down the hole]
Doc: Will that kill them all?
Exterminator: No, this is so I'll know where to throw this! [throws a grenade down the hole, ducks and covers Doc and himself]
Fraggles: [singing] Happy, happy day, Fraggles say it's a happy day, Happy, happy day, Nothing can go wrong...
[The grenade falls down into Fraggle Rock and explodes]
[The place starts to collapse]
Gobo: Holy crap! We gotta get outta here! RUN!!!
[The place continues to collapse, with only Mokey, Gobo, Wembley, Red, Boober, and three nameless Fraggles making it out in time]
Gobo: Oh, this is bad!
Mokey: What are we going to do? We have no home.
Gobo: Hey, hey! Uncle "Traveling" Matt's been sending me postcards from the outer world for years. With their guidance, I'll find us a new Fraggle Rock.
Wembley: WAIT! STOP!!
Gobo: What's wrong, Wembley?
Wembley: I see a terrible thing coming! Fire and death! There's blood everywhere! Something very bad is coming!
Gobo: You got to work on the "pre" part of prechification, douchebag. [kicks Wembley in the crotch] IN YOUR BALLS!
Mokey: [kicks him in the crotch] Take that!
Red: Yeah, kick the BALLS!
Boober: There you go.
Wembley: I now have a vagina.
[the Fraggles stop at a road; a vehicle zooms by]
Red: What was that?
Gobo: Uncle Matt says they're called, "Beep-Beep-Outta-the-Way-Assholes"! But they're harmless.
Driver: [beep beep] Out of the way, asshole!
[The Fraggles start crossing the road; all the vehicles try to dodge them]
Driver: Out of the way asshole!
[Two of the vehicles crash, setting a Green Fraggle; he screams as he burns to death]
Wembley: D-d-d-d-...death.
Gobo: [slaps Wembley] You should've warned us! I'm sure our troubles are all in the past.
[The Fraggles are being chased across the water by Sprocket]
Gobo: Hurry, it's right behind us!
[Sprocket catches one of the Fraggles and hurts him]
Purple Fraggle: Hey guys please kill me...kill me, please.
[The other Fragglesbeat him to death]
Purple Fraggle: Ow! NO! WAIT! STOP! OW! I'VE CHANGED BY MIND!
Gobo: Hang in there! We're almost done!
[They arrive at a farm]
Boober: I can't go on! Just leave me!
Mokey: We need food Gobo, we're starving.
Fraggle: I smell radishes!
[The Fraggle leaves and a strange noise is heard; the other Fraggles go behind the barn and find him being killed in a trap next to a radish patch.]
Gobo: He was right, look at all the radishes!
Fraggles: YAY!
Gobo: Eat up! There is plenty enough for everybody! [shoves a radish into the dying Fraggle's mouth to feed him as he rolls over dead]
[The Fraggles find their new home]
Gobo: We did it everyone! Now it's time to start repopulating!
Fraggles: YAY!
Wembley: Wait! I'm getting another vision! I see... I see... THAT I'M GONNA GET MY FREAK ON!!!
[Oil floods the home and the Fraggles are killed]

President Evil [3.19][edit]

Danny Ocean: I'm Danny Ocean, and for this caper, we're gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and "Weird Al" Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denver's corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, you'll slip in the back. Any questions?
Teams 1 and 2: No!
Danny Ocean: Then let's do this.

Chirlaxx [3.20][edit]

Sir Mix-a-Lot: [to tune of "Baby Got Back
This table's long, but it should be round
King Arthur can't hear a sound
When a knight tries to talk
That brother's gotta walk
'bout half a freakin' block to be heard
Can't hear a word
'cause this table is so absurd
Us knights got much to discuss
But this table's ridiculous
Balki: Don't be ridiculous
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear
"Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
Sir Belvedere: Say what?!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by eighty
Can't even flirt with ladies
Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal
If you're trying to cop a feel
We need a new proportion
To bring our kingdom fortune
I got an idea that might work for ya
I'm-a make this mother circular
Sir Galahad!
Sir Galahad: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!
Sir Percival: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others talk?
Knights: Hell yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down
It's like King Arthur's crown
Table be round! Table be round.
Now with this circulation
We can have nice conversation
Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?
Sir Percival: I can hear!
Sir Galahad: Holy cow!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...
Everybody: WOW!
King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail
Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter
You know hos like diameter
Knight: Bumping this with the circumference
All: Table be round!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].