Robot Chicken (season 5)

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The following is a list of quotes from the fifth season Robot Chicken.

Saving Private Gigli [5.2][edit]

Matthew Senreich: [during the opening Saving Private Ryan parody war scene, as Seth Green is shot down] I'll tell your story! [Matthew Senreich is shot down]
Daniel/Gyro-Robo: I'll tell Seth Green's story! Yours has less commercial appeal!

Big Trouble in Little Clerks 2 [5.4][edit]

Doctor: Sorry Twiki, but you have dia bidi bidi bidis.

Kramer vs. Showgirls [5.5][edit]

[A group of people are leaving the theatre which was showing American Pie, the people go inside McDonald's, the people start screaming inside]
Announcer: And top off that Happy Meal with a tasty apple pie. Warning: Apple pies are hot; do not stick your dick in McDonald's apple pie.

Malcolm X: Fully Loaded [5.6][edit]

Tarzan: Tarzan love Jane.
Jane: I love you too Tarz —
Tarzan: But, Tarzan not in love with Jane.

Doug: So I just moved to LA. You wanna get some Dunkin' Donuts?
Man: We don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in LA. [a shocked Doug slowly looks at the viewers, traumatized. Then the camera zooms closer and closer at Doug and slowly fades to a brown background with a word "WHY?" in capital letters]

Major League of Extraordinary Gentlemen [5.7][edit]

Spongebob: [At the Krusty Krab] Krabby Patties are made out of crab! [customers gasp, Green Fish retches, spits]
Mr. Krabs: Heh heh. Everybody knows Krabby Patties are me family's secret recipe, boy.
Spongebob: Then explain this! [Holds out box of crab legs] You said you fired Carl the night janitor. But this is his tattoo! [Holds crab leg that says "Born 2 Lose"]
Mr. Krabs: You little yellow bastard! I treated you like a son, me boy!
Spongebob: And it's not just crabs! Squidward, those calamari rings are squid!
Squidward: [Throws up]
Spongebob: And your Chicken-Of-The-Sea salad? Ha! Tuna! Chicken-Of-The-Sea is TUNA!
Yellow Fish: [Pushes bowl out of reach]
Customers: [Get up and form around Mr. Krabs]
Green Fish: You fed ass to us!
Orange Fish: Gonna pay you to kill us?
Spongebob: You're disgusting!
Mr. Krabs: No! I'm the last honest man in Bikini Bottom!! We're all animals, boys and girls. Eating each other is what nature intended.
Customers: [Beat up Mr. Krabs]
Spongebob: [Sighs] I'm just glad nothing disgusting ever happens to a sponge.
[At a hospital. A morbidly obese man sits on a bed with a nurse at his side.]
Nurse: Okay, just gotta scrub deep within your rolls of fat, and we're done. [Begins scrubbing with a sponge]
Spongebob: [Pushes scene aside] I SAID, NOTHING DISGUSTING EVER HAPPENS TO A SPONGE! *Splat*
Nurse: Uggh... I hope that's pudding in there...

[Ernest opens the windows and sniffs the air]

Ernest: Aah, a wonderful day to make cookies. Cookies with the finest ingredients, the smoothest chocolate, and...

[Ernest suddenly sniffs the air again, sensing danger]

Ernest: Oh, that I live to see this day.

[He pulls out a horn and blows it. The elves stop working and get their weapons and armor.]

Keebler soldier: [nervously] Are you Ernest?
Ernest: Yes. Listen to the voice upon the wind. You will know it to be true.
Cookie Monster: Cooookiiiiie...

[The soldiers gasp]

Cookie Monster: Cooookiiiiie...

[The soldiers gasp again]

Cookie Monster: COOKIE!!!
Ernest: Hold!

[The soldiers hold their attack. Cookie Monster eats several soldiers.]

Ernest: Hold!

[The soldiers still hold their attack. Cookie Monster still eats several more soldiers.]

Ernest: Hold!

[Ernest runs off]

Ernest: I owed him overtime.
Keebler elf: Bu-bu-but you owe me overtime...which is no big deal.

[Cookie Monster chases them both] Cookie Monster: Coooooookiiiiiiiiiie!!!! [Ernest and the elves run inside, Cookie Monster rams the door three times] Cookie Monster: Cookie! Cookie! Coookiiiie!!!

Keebler elf: I didn't sign up for this. I just wanted to make cookies!
Keebler elf: I'm making cookies in my pants right now! They're shaped like poo!

[Cookie Monster crashes throught the door] Cookie Monster: COOKIE!!!! [He grabs one of the elves and smacks him on the floor, one of the elves fires arrows on his hand and then stabs a sword in it, Cookie Monster screams, the elf then sticks a grappling hook in his upper jaw and pins him down]

Keebler elf: Now, give the monster what he wants!
Keebler elf: Diabetes?
Keebler elf: Good common on modern culture, but no. Cookies!

[The elves feed Cookie Monster cookies]

Keebler elf: Faster, Buckets! Pack that fudge! Pack that fudge, dammit!

[Buckets laughs]

Keebler elf: Save your immaturity from when we're not about to be killed, you idiot! [Chuckles] Fudge.
Cookie Monster: [Through mouth full of cookies] Cookie monster...can't stop...can't stop eating cookies...

[Cookie Monster's belly bursts open, the elves cheer.] [We cut to court room, where Cookie Monster's mommy is sobbing.]

Cookie Monster's mommy: They know he had cookie addiction. It like they feed heroin to junkie.
Lawyer: It was a home invasion, they acted in self defense!
Judge Brown: Order please! Order! The court fines in favour of Keebler, Inc. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Cookie Monster's mommy: Me son is dead and you make pun?! Me kill you! Me fucking kill you!!

[She eats Judge Brown's head. Two police officers step in and shoot her.]

Schindler's Bucket List [5.8][edit]

Gonzo: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals while explaining what the hell I am.
Hooded Killer: No! For your next feat, you die!
[The Hooded Killer fires a cannon, decapitating Gonzo, and Gonzo's corpse falls on the hot coals. The scene then cuts straight to Gonzo's funeral.]
Kermit: Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Steve Martin: The lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lay down-
Miss Piggy: [interrupting] Oh, are we burying him in a Sybian?
[Camilla clucks and jumps on the coffin.]
Fozzie: You know, the last time a Muppet died-
Steve Martin:: [interrupting] Excuse me?
Fozzie: Don’t you mean, "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me"?
Steve Martin: No, this is a funeral. I’m working. Do I come to where you work and knock the shit outta your mouth?!
Kermit: Wow, Steve’s working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about that night. [the characters look at Scooter, then back at each other. Cut to Fozzie's room]
Fozzie: And then the dam says, "the aristocrats"! Wocka, wocka!
Hooded Killer: Hey, Fozzie. Why did the bear turn red?
Fozzie: I don’t know, stranger.
Hooded Killer: Because he was embarrassed!
Fozzie: [deadpan clapping] Wocka wocka.
Hooded Killer: Then how about this? Because I fucking stabbed him! [stabs Fozzie]
Fozzie: What a show stopper...
Statler: See? I told you the bear was gonna die onstage tonight.
[Statler and Waldorf laugh]
Fozzie: Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance?
Waldorf: You're an ambulance.
[Statler and Waldorf laugh again, as the killer drags Fozzie away forcefully, and pushes a wagon on-stage]
[Wheels Squeaking]
Kermit: First Gonzo, now Fozzie. Could we be paying the price for what we did?
Miss Piggy: Don’t say that name, Kermy.
Kermit: Oh, Miss Piggy’s telling me what to do. Wow, hey, everybody! Come here! You gotta come see this. Piggy’s telling me what to do! Wow, must be a day that ends in y!
[Scooter is carrying props.]
Kermit: Oh hey, uh, Scooter?
Scooter: Oh! Hey there, boss.
Kermit: We need to talk about Skeeter’s death.
Scooter: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident.
Kermit: You know, I’m gonna stop you right there. I got something I gotta tell you.
[Flashback to 'Muppet Babies' parody]
Kermit: Let’s play "The Little Mermaid"!
Fozzie: Let’s question Kermit’s sexuality. Wocka wocka!
Scooter: Hold on! Let me grab my floaties.
Skeeter: What a nerd.
Piggy: [clears throat] Moi will play "La Petite Mermaid".
Skeeter: Mermaids aren’t fat! [Smack!]
Kermit: Yikes! Skeeter, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now. Walk away.
[Skeeter slaps Kermit away]
Fozzie: Nanny! Skeeter’s hitting us again!
Kermit: Yeah, who's the homo now?
[More smacking sounds; Skeeter gets hit by a wagon.]
Kermit: If we do this thing, it’s our secret forever.
[All Muppet Babies agree and drown Skeeter in the pool.]
All Muppet Babies: Nanny?!
[Back to present]
Scooter: You killed my sister?
Kermit: It was 60% self-defense. But we're kind of burying the lead here. And we think Skeeter’s come back from the grave for revenge!
Scooter: Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge…
[Scooter becomes Skeeter {I have absolutely no idea how taking glasses off and putting an eyeless pair makes you into Skeeter}, and Kermit and Miss Piggy scream in fear.]
Scooter/Skeeter: [attacks Kermit] Fifteen seconds till your death!
Miss Piggy: HIIII-YAH! [she misses] Wuh!
Scooter/Skeeter: Here it comes. Showtime!
Camilla: [clucking, subtitled] "Get away from her, you bitch!"
Scooter/Skeeter: You can’t shoot me. Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[Camilla fires an arrow, stabbing Scooter/Skeeter in the head.]
Scooter/Skeeter: Oooooooooh!
Steve Martin [chuckling]: It never gets old.

Catch Me If You Kangaroo Jack [5.10][edit]

Joker: [laughing sinisterly in his hideout] Watch out, Gotham City, no-one can stop... The Joker! [Batman immediately swoops in, and starts graphically beating up the Joker into submission. A time card then appears reading "Many Hours Later..." and continues to show Batman beating down the Joker. Before he lands another punch, he shakes his wrist out of numbness, then lands the punch, then stops]
Batman: No! One more punch would kill you! And I won't kill you!
The Joker: That means somehow I win! I go to jail, break out, kill people, go to jail!! Rinse and repeat —
Batman: Yes, I know, it's an endless cycle. But I'm sworn to let the courts do their work. [to himself] Now what to do? Hmmm... :[scene immediately cuts to a courtroom]
Judge: And with the accepted go-to by Batman, [aside glance] thank you, Batman, the court has decided on the death penalty!
Batman: [to Joker] Sorry, it's out of my hands.
Commissioner Gordon: Maurice P. Joker, in response to over 200 thousand accounts of murder, and several other crimes that seem minor compared to 200 thousand accounts of murder, you have been sentenced to death. Have you any last words?
The Joker: [in an almost sincere voice] I knew Jesus has forgiven me.
Police Officer: Is that a joke?
The Joker: [sobbing] No! [the police officer then pulls the switch for the electric chair the Joker is strapped to, and he starts to become violently electrocuted]
Police Officer: That's not right.
Commissioner Gordon: Keep going until he's dead! It would be monstrous to stop now!!
The Joker: [as he's still being electrocuted] F*ck you, Dork Knight! [everyone else except for Gordon and Batman throw up in revulsion, soon the Joker shows no sign of movement]
Police Officer: Oh, oh- [he and a fellow officer investigate the body, and tap it, only to see it react one final time before his head explodes]
Commissioner Gordon: [nervously backing away] I didn't know- I-I didn't know...
Batman: Wait! [opens Gordon's palm, to see that one of the shock sponge pads was ripped off the electric chair helmet] But why?
Commissioner Gordon: [somberly] For Barbara. [Batman grips Gordon, almost threatening to knock him out, until he pulls out the other shock sponge pad. They both laugh it off.]

[a game of Contra is being played, with the Konami Code being entered for extra lives. One of the characters is shot down]
Contra Guy: No!! Damn you Contra bastards! [pauses] Or are we the Contras? I can never tell.
[the other character is brought back]
Contra Guy: Wow! You're alive!
Other Contra Guy: Seems that way. Maybe we're immortal?
[the first Contra guy goes up and gets shot down, then brought back to life]
Both: [high-fiving each other] Groundhog Day, mother(bleep)ers!

Other Contra Guy: [grabs a grenade] Ooh, what's this? A message in a bottle? Oh no! It's a grenade. Go tell my family that- Oh, wait, I'm immortal (bleep)ers! Run for the hills! [the grenade explodes and he dies, but DOES NOT respawn]
Contra Guy: What? No! What kind of sick f*ck gives a man exactly thirty lives? [is shot down, and a Game Over screen appears]

Nerd: [to his computer] Oh, computer, your real name should be porn funnel! I love my family more than you, but only collectively. On a case-by-case basis, I [starts falling asleep] love you more than- any- individual- family member. -->

Beastmaster and Commander [5.11][edit]

Justin Beiber: [singing in a comedically terrible Auto-Tune voice] Woooah, I'm crushing on crushes. Bicycles, lemonade, Game Boys [Game Boys.] And I'm feeling so highhhh [Feeling so high, girl.] I like Skittles, Sk-Skittles, Skittles, Skittles.
Director: And cut! [turns towards the producer] This is the edgiest thing I've ever worked on.
Producer: Edgy?
Director: Yeah. A young lesbian, proud of who she is, and singing about it; awesome.
Producer: That's a little boy! [the Director drops his megaphone in disbelief]

[At the Peanuts school, the teacher is addressing the students, (which of course is barely understood by the audience due to the usual "wah-wah-wah" style most Peanuts adults speak in)]
Charlie Brown: Wow! A new kid is coming. Maybe he'll take my spot on the totem pole around here.
Lucy: You'll always be the beep catcher, Charlie Brown!
Sally: Whoever he is, I doubt he'll replace my sweet baboo!
Linus: [rolls his eyes] Oh, brother!
[new kid struts in]
Kid: Hey everyone! My name's Ren. Ren McCormick.
Sally: [pushes Linus away] Hello!!
Charlie Brown: You're just in time for the school play. We're practicing a number for our Christmas production.
Ren: I love to dance! My last school banned dancing entirely. [silence] You might say dancing makes me feel footloose and fancy free. [silence] [sighs] I'm Kevin Bacon's character from Footloose. [still silence, the characters then start dancing their signature dance] Oh my God, that is the worst dancing I have ever seen.
Pigpen: Excuse me?
Ren: Sorry, [bleep]-box...
Pigpen: It's Pigpen.
Ren: Sorry.
Pigpen: It's alright. You made a lateral error, at best.
Ren: You're just doing the same move over and over. I mean, what is that guy even doing? [cuts to the kid dancing the running man]
Kid: I couldn't think of a dance! I panicked!!
Ren: Sorry, I need to get the [bleep] out of here. I'd rather have a town with no dancing, than this. [leaves; the group resumes with their dancing, while Snoopy fantasizes about doing an 80s-style dance routine, before cutting back to Ren's school]
Ren's Classmate: Hey, Ren! It turns out you can't ban dancing. It's unconstitutional!
Ren: Alright!
Ren's Classmate: Yeah, but then they passed a law saying we have to use creationist textbooks.
Ren: [stops dancing] Rats!

Some Like It Hitman [5.14][edit]

Snape: [to Hogwarts students after explaining how to mix a potion] Well, why aren't you writing this down?
Ron: We usually don't start until you insult Harry.
Snape: Am I really that predictable? Fine. Uh, Potter, you fool!
Ron: [after mixing his potion] Well, bottoms up. [drinks it]
Herminone: How much drops of wolfsbane extract did you use?
Ron: Uh, three? [his jaw suddenly contracts and his teeth fire off the gums before his head explodes]
Herminone: Professor Snape, what happened?
Snape: He used too much wolfsbane extract, it looks like.
Harry: He used one extra drop! That margin for error is pretty bloody slim!
Herminone: This spell's supposed to change our eye color. Why would we risk exploding skulls just to change our eye color?
Snape: Uh... Potter, you fool?

[A parody of the "Be Our Guest" song from Beauty and the Beast is shown, as Lumiere, Cogsworth, Ms. Potts and Chip appear on the table]
Lumiere: [sung] So you're dining with a beast/That doesn't mean you shouldn't feast.
Cogsworth: Let us handle reservations/give your taste buds a sensation! [a chamber pot appears, butting into the song]
Defecacci: Have your fill, eat more still/There's no need to slow your pace. After dinner, you'll be thinner/once you sit down on my face.
Lumiere: [pushes Chamber Pot away] Have some seconds/eat a lot-
Defecacci: Then come meet your chamber pot...
Lumiere [speaking, as music stops completely] Excuse me, we are trying to serve dinner here!
Defecacci: What? Defecacci doesn't get to sing along? I'm a person too! Defecacci never asked to be a chamber pot!
Lumiere: None of us asked to be stuck in the form of household items, but people are eating!
Defecacci: Oh, so she gets to meet Defecacci after dinner, eh? I have to live a solitary existence punctuated by people pooping in my-
Lumiere: [angrily] I said, people are EATING!
Defecacci: [bounds away in a huff] Dah, porca miseria...
Lumiere: OK, let's just get through this dinner, so the Beast can bang this bitch and...Belle? Where did Belle go?
[cuts away to Belle crapping into Defecacci]
Defecacci: Ring the bell, sound the horn!/Looks like someone's eaten corn.
Belle: [in disgust] Does everything have to be a (bleep)ing song?!

Mr. Phillipson: [discovering his sex client is a duck] Holy [bleep]! You're a duck!
Della Duck: That's right, baby! Now why don'tcha ruffle my feathers?
Mr. Phillipson: Why are you a duck?! Oh my God!
Della Duck: I'm what you ordered.
Mr. Phillipson: I did NOT order a duck!
Della Duck: I'm not sure how they could have misunderstood that request.
Mr. Phillipson: Oh gee, I wonder what word an escort service might have mistaken for "duck" on a bad cell phone connection?!
Della Duck: [sighs] Well, fine. But you are still going to have to pay me for your time.
Mr. Phillipson: Ah, I don't know why I need to pay to not [bleep] a cartoon duck. Normally, not [bleep] a [bleep] duck is [bleep] free.
Della Duck: [dials her cell phone] We have a problem.
Mr. Phillipson: Who are you calling? [Della's bodyguard bursts in]
Stedman: [in a stereotypical gangster patois] Have we got some sort of problem?
Mr. Phillipson: Look, I don't want any trouble. I just think the misunderstanding was on your end...
Stedman: Just pay the duck!
Mr. Phillipson: Whoa, it's not fair! I shouldn't have to pay- [starts getting beaten up]
Della Duck: Whip his ass, Stedman. Whip his ass!!

The Core, The Thief, The Wife, and his Lover [5.15][edit]

[Kratos is slicing away at several enemies in front of a castle building]
Kratos: I, Kratos, the God of War, feed the Blades of Chaos with the blood orbs of your souls! [walks in and finds himself in a bedroom where a naked man and woman are waiting for him]
Artemis: [voice] Quickly, Kratos! Pleasure your lovers and receive a bounty of blood orbs!
Kratos: Uh, one of them's a dude.
Artemis: What's the problem? You're in Greece.
Artemis: Surely, you would let him watch if I offered you 1000 blood orbs.
Kratos: [thinking] The Blades of Chaos are thirsty... I could not turn that down.
Artemis: We'll make it 1,500 and he gets to play with your balls.
Kratos: What? Who do you think I am?!
Artemis: We already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
Kratos: Oh, I see what you did there. Very smug and demeaning.
Artemis: I'm just going to throw this out there. 2,000 blood orbs, anything goes.
Kratos: Alright. [pauses] You're not going to watch, are you?
Artemis: Only as long as I need to.

The Curious Case of the Box [5.17][edit]

Dora the Explorer: [climbing Mt. Everest] I'm Dora the Explorer, and I fear this mountain may be my grave.

Jesus: [the Grim Reaper has just killed an old woman named Gladys in heaven] You can't do that!
Grim Reaper: Did it!
Jesus: You can't die in heaven, Dad! Tell him!
God: Actually you can. You see, if you die in heaven, you go to - Super Heaven.
Jesus: What?!
Gladys: [playing an electric guitar while riding a motorcycle as fireworks go off] Super Heaven is awesome!!