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- My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.
- From her one-woman show "Without You I'm Nothing"
- Love is the only shocking act left on the face of the earth.
- First line from her autobiography, Love, Love and Love (June 1993)
- Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being.
- As quoted in The Sunday Times (September 12, 1993)
- The thing about Kaballah, the thing about spirituality is that it's your responsibility as a spiritual person to be honest. Sometimes being honest is calling somebody on their bullshit and not standing there and being passive and letting somebody self-destruct. Being spiritual doesn't mean going, `Aw, honey, aw, poor baby' . That's not being spiritual. When somebody needs a kick in the pants, you say get your shit together, asshole. If that's what the situation requires, then that's being spiritual. If laying back and saying nothing is appropriate, that's being spiritual. It's really being completely conscious of each situation, whether it's friendships, whether it's with the world. Since I'm a performer, I have a bigger responsibility to be honest for each situation. It's not in any way counter to my spirituality, au contraire.
- As quoted in "Off Center... Sandra Bernhard Returns with Another Edgy Mix of Culture, Comedy, Fashion and Rock 'n' Roll" by Scott Mervis, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette (April 20, 2001), p. 25
- On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and Pat Robertson. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and Dennis Hopper — all your choices should be so easy.
- As quoted in "The Joke's on U.S.: American Women Standing Up to be Counted" by Barry Didcock, Glasgow Sunday Herald (June 29, 2008), p. 18