House (Season 2)

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House (2004–2012), created by David Shore, is about an irreverent, controversial, but successful doctor who trusts no one, least of all his patients.

Acceptance [2.01][edit]

Dr. House: Death row guy. I want the case.
Dr. Cuddy: How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
Dr. House: No, but "partypants" does.
Dr. Cuddy: You stole my password?
Dr. House: Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.

Dr. House: Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.
Dr. Cuddy: You're addicted to pain pills.
Dr. House: But I'm not useless.

[Regarding taking on the case of a man on death row]
Dr. Foreman: Aren't there better ways to spend our time?
Dr. House: Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?
Dr. Foreman: Uh yeah. Actually, he is.
Dr. House: What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.

Warden: Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards.
Dr. House: Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.

Dr. House: You know how people say, "you can't live without love"? Well, oxygen is even more important.

Autopsy [2.02][edit]

[House comes out of the elevator, sneezing. Wilson catches up with him.]
Dr. Wilson: House. Need you.
Dr. House: [nasally] Nah. Forget it, I'm going home.
Dr. Wilson: Hay fever?
Dr. House: Boy, you must be a doctor and everything.

Dr. Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. House: It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Foreman: It's within range. It's normal.
Dr. House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.

Dr. Foreman: What are we trying to hear?
Dr. House: Tumor.
Dr. Chase: They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.

Dr. House: The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo. (Everyone looks at him strangely). Does that need any more explanation? Okay, the tumor is Al-Qaeda, the big bad guy, the brain who went in wiped it out, but it had already sent out a splinter cell, a small team of low-level terrorists, quietly living in the suburb Buffalo, waiting to kill us all.
Dr. Foreman: Whoa, are you trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it?
Dr. House: It was an excellent metaphor. Angio her brain, before this clot straps on an explosive vest.

Dr. Cuddy: You're actually talking about killing her.
Dr. House: Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back.
Dr. Cuddy: Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we even talking?

Humpty Dumpty [2.03][edit]

Dr. House: Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?

[House is standing before Cuddy's front door with Foreman and Chase. They're about to break in. House grabs his credit card and holds it in the air]
Dr. House: 20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.
Dr. Chase: You're on.
Dr. Foreman: Count me in.
[House looks under a garden ornament, finds a key and uses it to open the door. Foreman and Chase groan and hand their $20s to a smug House]

Dr. Chase: You're just too nasty to each other to have not been, nasty.
Dr. House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.

Dr. Cuddy: You broke into my house?!
Dr. House: No, that would be wrong. I had a key.

Patient: I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?
Dr. House: It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.
Patient: Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.
Dr. House: You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but based on my experience in the last ninety seconds all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.

Foreman:"Every slavemaster thought they were doing the black man a favour. 'Negro can't take care of themselves, so we'll put them to work. We'll give them four walls, a bed. We'll civilize the heathens.' Stop doing us favours. If you're right and we end up back in the jungle, it won't be on your head."

TB or Not TB [2.04][edit]

Sebastian: Every minute four people die of TB.
Dr. House: Wow, how can you sleep at night?
Sebastian: There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over...
Dr. House: Yeah, I know, I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another ten minutes you could have saved forty lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another forty dead, another forty notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?

Dr. Foreman: What's the emergency?
Dr. House: [Looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog.

Dr. House: Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.
Dr. Wilson: You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.
Dr. Wilson: It's not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.
Dr. House: Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.
Dr. Wilson: He cures thousands of people every year, you cure what 30?
Dr. House: McDonalds makes a better hamburger than your mother because they make more?
Dr. Wilson: Oh, I see, so you hate him because the lives he saves aren't as good as the lives you save?
Dr. House: Yep, that's the reason. Nobel invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.

Dr. House: There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.
Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.
Dr. House: Just not as honest about it.

Dr. House: You want third-world treatment? [Turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Johnny!
Dr. Cameron: What are you doing?
Dr. House: What am I doing? [He knocks Sebastian's things onto the floor] Putting everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!
Dr. Cameron: You think he's a hypocrite?
Dr. House: [Unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, everybody in Africa's got cell phones or running water. [He has dropped Sebastian's cell phone in the toilet] Ha! This thing just will not flush.
Sebastian: Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon everything that matters to me?
Dr. House: [Wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.

Daddy's Boy [2.05][edit]

Dr. Wilson: We're discussing your new patient.
Dr. House: Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new patient.

Dr. Cameron: Why would you need $5,000?
Dr. Chase: Bad night at poker or a great night with a hooker.
Dr. House: Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.

Dr. Foreman: You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
Dr. House: Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.

Dr. Wilson: If you have the money, then why did you need the loan?
Dr. House: I didn't. Just wanted to see if you would give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me forty dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.
Dr. Wilson: You're ... you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!
Dr. House: Hey, it's five grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Dr. House's Father: Last I checked, you still have two legs.
Dr. House: [holds up cane] Actually, three.
Dr. House's Father: You know what your problem is, Greg?
Dr. House: Shifting gears?

Spin [2.06][edit]

Dr. House: You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a.... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.

Dr. House: How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
Mark: It's not the size of the muscle; it's where you get to put it.
Stacy: My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.

Dr. House: [makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.
Dr. Chase: His neck?
Dr. House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.

Dr. House: [sticks the patient in the thigh] You are healed. Rise and walk.
Jeff: Are you insane?
Dr. House: In the Bible, they just say, "Yes, Lord" and then start right on in with the praising.
Jeff: First you tell me I've got cancer. Then you tell me that my manager... [Jeff realizes he can move his arms] What did you do?
Dr. House: No, what did you do, Lord?

Dr. House: [after injecting the cyclist] Tensilon erases the symptoms of MG for five or six minutes. [patient falls to the ground] Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses. [yells out the door] Cleanup on aisle three!

Hunting [2.07][edit]

[Dr. House is with Stacy in her house when Mark enters the room.]
Mark: What's going on?
Dr. House: It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually, we're having sex.

Dr. Foreman: Have you read his file?
Dr. House: I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional.

Dr. Chase: Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, patient can't breathe. [Dr. House gives him a questioning look] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis.
Dr. House: Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart.

Dr. House: He thought he was dying. Dying people lie, too. Wish they'd worked less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it, you don't save it for sound byte.

Dr. Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
Dr. House: Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.

The Mistake [2.08][edit]

Dr. House: She's overreacting.
Dr. Wilson: You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.
Dr. House: So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?

Stacy: As your lawyer, I can't stop you from lying, I can't even be in the room, but I would be remiss if I didn't prep you to lie better.

Stacy: I need to talk to you.
Dr. House: From the doorway?
Stacy: It's confidential.
Dr. House: Cool. I love gossip.

Stacy: If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?
Dr. House: He has great hair.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
Dr. House: I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot, though: no girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...

Dr. House: Five grand. And that's just ante money; after the surgery you'll get another fifteen, though I warn you that includes the tip.
Dr. Ayersman: [Laughs] I make six hundred grand a year. You think I'm going to risk tanking my percentages for twenty thousand?!
Dr. House: It's tax free.
Dr. Ayersman: For the record, I hope the department takes you and Chase and drop kicks both your asses out the back door.
Dr. House: Great, that means I don't have to bother welshing on the other fifteen grand I would have owed you. If you don't do the surgery I'm going to tell your wife that you've been sleeping with a series of nurses, currently Nurse Cutler in Radiology. Now what's six hundred-thousand divided by two?
Dr. House: Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital. But, unfortunately, you are the only one who's currently cheating on his wife.

Deception [2.09][edit]

[A woman collapses onto the floor]
Dr. House: Is anybody here a doctor?

Dr. House: Chase killed that woman, now Foreman's in charge?
Dr. Cuddy: Yeah, we have a pecking order here, if Cameron kills somebody, Chase takes over. There's a flow chart in the lobby.

Dr. House: Work smart, not hard. That's my philosophy, boss.

Dr. House: [To a patient who's been using strawberry jelly as a spermicide, and got an infection from it] You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.
Patient: How long?
Dr. House: On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.

Dr. Cameron: [While searching Anica's house] She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors... symptom of Munchausen's.
Dr. House: Or - just thinking outside the box here - she has a vagina and trouble reading.

Failure to Communicate [2.10][edit]

Dr. Foreman: In one of his books he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol, how it changes life.
Dr. Chase: [imitating House] Everybody lies.

Dr. House: MRI show anything?
Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.
Dr. House: CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time.
Dr. Chase: We've got an MRI scheduled in twenty minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the machine.
Dr. House: I teach you to lie and cheat and steal...and as soon as my back is turned, you wait in line?

Dr. Wilson: Do you know your phone's dead? Do you ever recharge the batteries?
Dr. House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.

Stacy: Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...
Dr. House: Really good drugs?
Stacy: No, it's like... vindaloo curry.
Dr. House: Okay, sure...
Stacy: Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.
Dr. House: I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.
Stacy: You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine, but, no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never want to see curry for a really, really long time, but you wake up one day, and you think... God, I really miss curry.

Dr. Cuddy: Tell me... if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy ideas as House does, how are you an improvement on House?
Dr. Foreman: I... brought you a coffee?

Need to Know [2.11][edit]

Dr. Wilson: [about Stacy] This isn't just going to go away.
Dr. House: No, but maybe you will.

Dr. Foreman: Hypervigilance, sudden irritability...
Dr. House: Symptomatic of...lunch with Cuddy?

Stacy: What was Greg like after I left?
Dr. Cuddy: Er, an egomaniacal, narcissistic pain in the ass — same as before you left.

[House hands Cameron a sealed envelope, which she assumes is her HIV test results]
Dr. House: Knowing is always better than not knowing.
[Cameron opens the envelope and reads the letter]
Dr. Cameron: It's a referral request.
Dr. House: [holds up an open envelope] Right. HIV thing came in earlier. You're fine.
Dr. Cameron: [incensed] You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?
Dr. House: It said confidential. I wanted to know.
Dr. Cameron: The most important letter of my life, and you're still an ass.
Dr. House: Comforting, isn't it?

Dr. Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special.
Dr. Wilson: Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable.

Distractions [2.12][edit]

Dr. Cuddy: You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?
Dr. House: I gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.
Dr. Cuddy: Have you even read an ethical guideline?

Dr. Weber: You cannot test this on an abnormal brain.
Dr. House: That's so closed-minded. He's not "abnormal", he's special.

Dr. Cameron: Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
Dr. House: I wish.

Dr. Cameron: His brain is like a waiter that's got too many...
Dr. House: Hey! I do the metaphors!

Dr. House: Bad news: Your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news: He's trying to quit. Bad news: Quitting is killing him. Good news: I can cure him. Bad news: [thinks] Nope, that's the end of it.

Skin Deep [2.13][edit]

Dr. Wilson: How'd you get here?
Dr. House: By osmosis.

Dr. Cuddy: Teenage supermodel. Presented with uh double-vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataplexy—
Dr. House: You had me at "teenage supermodel."

Alex: I was passed out but I wasn't. I, I knew what was going on but I couldn't move or talk.
Dr. House: Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy. Catfight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool.

Dr. House: She's a fashion model, on the cover of magazines, hold her up as a sexual ideal. The law says we can't touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that?

Dr. Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
Dr. House: [taking a Vicodin] He's right.

[Discussing whether a patient's breasts are real or fake]
Dr. House: [to Chase] Two clinic hours says that those love apples are hand-crafted by God.
Dr. Foreman: I thought you didn't believe in God.
Dr. House: I do now.

George: Haven't slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn't find any cavities. And I'm getting these headaches.
Dr. House: Ohhhhh, poor you.
George: I think I'm going crazy. And my stomach. I roll out of bed, and I wanna puke.
Dr. House: I take it you're married.
George: [Showing House a ring] You must be psychic.
Dr. House: You must be witty. When's she due?
George: How'd you know she—
Dr. House: 'Cause I'm doing her! You've got Couvade Syndrome, which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing. They're not bugging me.

Dr. House: She's got post-traumatic stress disorder.
Dr. Chase: (sarcastically) We got models fighting in Iraq now?

Dr. Foreman: Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
Dr. House: I had a funny uncle.
Dr. Foreman: You were abused?
Dr. House: What? No. Why'd your mind go to that so fast. I just had a funny uncle. Great stories, always filthy.

[In the lab, discussing whether the patient had sex with her father]
Dr. House: PTSD. Get her a psych referral and pack her bags. He did her.
Dr. Cameron: Don’t think so.
Dr. House: Daddy thinks so. Could be mistaken, said he was drunk, could be some other daughter.

Dr. Cameron: We're mandated to report sexual abuse.
Dr. House: Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure daddy doesn't get visitation rights to the grave site?

[Dr. Wilson is examining Dr. House's leg with the MRI]
Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House, this is God.
Dr. House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?
Dr. Wilson: Let me check. Oh! I got a plague. What about Friday?
Dr. House: You'll have to check with Cameron.
Dr. Wilson: Oh! Damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm gonna come up with a new answer this time.
[Cuddy bursts in]
Dr. Cuddy: House...
Dr. House: Quick, God, smite the evil witch! [Wilson wisely says nothing]
Dr. Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father?
Dr. House: God, why have you forsaken me?

[Wilson is telling House that his leg pain is a result of Stacy leaving.]
House: Listen, none of this has anything to do with Stacy.
Wilson: Right, giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain-

[House whacks Wilson's shin with his cane]

Wilson: Ow!
Dr. House: Aw, you miss Stacy too?

Dr. House: Have you checked the pancreas?
Dr. Wilson: Oh come on – you’re just making up organs now, aren't you? We checked the pancreas, obviously you've taken something.
Dr. House: Have you checked the bones? There's a lots of bones, I think.

Dr. House: You've got male pseudo-hermaphroditism. See, we all start out as girls, and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries develop into testes and drop. But in about one in 150 thousand pregnancies, a fetus with an 'XY' chromosome, a boy, develops into something else, like you; your testes never descended. Because you're immune to testosterone, you're pure estrogen, which is why you had heightened female characteristics—clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate woman is a man. Nature is cruel, huh?
Father: This is obviously a joke. This is ... it's impossible.
Dr. House: No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I'll schedule him for surgery.

Dr. House: Put your clothes back on. I'm going to cut your balls off, and then you'll be fine.

Sex Kills [2.14][edit]

Dr. Foreman: His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.
Dr. House: Cool!

Dr. House: When guys have brain/crotch problems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.

Dr. Cameron: I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
Dr. House: We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. Except Chase's; they're just goofy.

[Wilson is buying a box of chocolates]
Dr. House: Who's the lucky woman?
Dr. Wilson: My wife.
Dr. House: I don't want to know who gets the chocolates. I want to know who you're having the affair with.
Dr. Wilson: [To cashier] Fell on his head as a child. Tragic.
Dr. House: Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff, the terrorists win.

Tony: I love cows.
Dr. House: Any particular variety? Canadienne, Holstein?
Tony: Which are the black and white ones?
Dr. House: Oh god.
Tony: I pass a farm on my way to school, and they're so beautiful, they're so majestic, I dream about them. Leather shoes, hamburgers, how can anybody do that to a cow?
Dr. House: Make love, not belts. Beautiful.
Tony: I haven't actually...
Dr. House: Relax, it's something we doctors deal with all the time. I'm going to write you the name of a drug, you don't need a prescription that looks just like depo-provera.
Tony: Does it do the same thing?
Dr. House: Oh god no. That stuff has all sorts of nasty side-effects, it's real medicine. This is all you need, your frat buddies will be completely fooled. Tell them how appalled the doctor was, lots of laughs.

Dr. House: [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Dr. Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people?
Dr. House: No seriously, a week? A month?
Dr. Wilson: I'm not having an affair.

Henry: [about his daughter] I slept with her mom.
Dr. House: She probably knows that's happened already.

Henry: I assume you've been in love?
Dr. House: Is that the one that makes your pants feel funny?

Henry: We just happened to be at the same Italian cheese tasting... thing.
Dr. House: Cheese is the Devil's plaything.

Henry: She just doesn't get it, if you're not prepared to look stupid then nothing great is ever going to happen, right?

Dr. House: Key to a long life; exotic women, boring cheese.

Dr. Wilson: You're sure you're right?
Dr. House: Absolutely. Your socks don't match, which means you got up and got dressed in the dark, which means you don't want to wake your wife, which means you don't want to talk to her, which means...
Dr. Wilson: I was referring to your patient.
Dr. House: Oh that, no. Come on, I'm basing it on cheese.

Dr. Cuddy: House, don't you think this is a little manipulative?
Dr. House: No, I think it's hugely manipulative.

Dr. House: We're going to cure her.
Dr. Cameron: We're going to cure death?
Dr. House: [like a mad scientist] Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! [normal voice] Doubt it.

Ronald: I assume House is a great doctor.
Dr. Chase: Why would you assume that?
Ronald: Because, uh, when you're that big a jerk you're either great or unemployed.

Dr. House: So I have to wonder what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical?

Dr. House: [About a comatose woman] She's a fridge with a power out. You start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offense.

Dr. Cameron: She's positive for gonorrhea.
Dr. House: I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.

Clueless [2.15][edit]

Dr. House: You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Oh sorry, I wake you up?
Dr. House: You blow dry your hair?
Dr. Wilson: Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.
Dr. House: I think the word you're looking for is obsessing!

Dr. House: [to Dr. Wilson] Why do you wanna sleep on a couch anyway? You got money. At least until the divorce is finalized.

Dr. House: Awesome, sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.

Dr. Cameron: I asked about STDs, and they admitted participating in a threesome a few months ago.
Dr. House: 100 bucks says there as miserable as the next couple.
Dr. Chase: Another guy or girl?
Dr. Cameron: Girl, his wife's college roommate.
Dr. Chase: If he's not happily married, I don't know who could be.

Dr. Cameron: His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. And if you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.
[Everyone looks stunned.]
Dr. House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.

Maria: Marriages don't fail because couples get bored, they fail because while they're dating people pretend to be the person they think their partner wants and then, well, there's only so long you can keep that up.

Dr. House: Lungs, skin... skin, lungs... Sklungs?

Dr. Wilson: Don't you ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?
Dr. House: Don't you ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?

Dr. Wilson: Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop?
Dr. House: It's a complete moron working with power tools—how much more suspenseful can you get?

Woman: [Gets up from a chair as Dr. Cuddy walks in] I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor, and I did not give my husband herpes.
Dr. Cuddy: [Grabs a passing nurse] Find out where House is.

Dr. Wilson: You'd give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame?
Dr. Cuddy: He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty.

Dr. House: Where is she?
Dr. Cameron: Had to go to the bathroom.
Dr. House: I told you not to let her.
Dr. Cameron: What was I supposed to do, tie her up?
Dr. House: Why not? She likes that.

Dr. Cameron: He's gonna need a lung transplant...
Dr. House: He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
Dr. Cameron You're pleased...You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake.
Dr. House: Do I look pleased?
Dr. Cameron: Ignorance is bliss.

Safe [2.16][edit]

Dr. Wilson: Cuddy called.
Dr. House: I know. Saw the caller ID.
Dr. Wilson: Young girl, anaphylactic shock.
Dr. House: You answered?
Dr. Wilson: Turns out that's what stops the ringing.

Dr. Cameron: Why does she have a clean room in her home?
Dr. House: Heart transplant— immune system's in the toilet. Mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta-quality bubble.
Dr. Foreman: Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room.
Dr. House: Six months without putting out, Dr. Cuddy doesn't need to wear thong panties... but it's not our call.
Dr. Cuddy: [sarcastic] I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties.

Dr. Cuddy: These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?
Dr. House: Hasn't let me down yet.

Barbara: You know this is hard enough without you...
Dr. Foreman: She asked my opinion.
Barbara: She is sixteen years old, lie to her.
Dr. Foreman: (sighs) When I was eight my mom she, she hated...
Barbara: I know, I, I, I need to loosen up, I'm overprotective, I saw Finding Nemo, I get it I don't need another story.

Dr. Chase: [referring to Melinda] She's allergic to a having a sucky social life.

Dr. Chase: No alarm on this window.
Dr. Cameron: It's a 20-foot drop.
Dr. Chase: You can get to the tree from here. There's some bark scraped off.
Dr. Cameron: Sure heart-transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and Cheetah down by the elephant graveyard.

Dr. Cameron: Test was negative, no semen allergy.
Dr. House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis. I don't buy that it's unrelated.
Dr. Cameron: He loves her. Did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
Dr. House: [looking puzzled] What does that mean?
Dr. Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. [smiles] You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Dr. House: Oh, snap!

[House is talking to Melinda's boyfriend, who paid her a late-night visit]
Dr. House: This is the one downside of teenage sex - you're idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. She's allergic to penicillin.
Dan: What, do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth!
Dr. House: Think lower, and more fun.
Dan: I mean... it can... it can go through your stuff?
Dr. House: Totally, dude! There's an administrator here, whenever she gets sick she just gives me the prescription.

Dr. House: Great part of being a grownup, you never have to do anything.

Dr. Cameron: What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure, and then heart failure.
Dr. House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else?
Dr. Foreman: What if they really are two puzzles?
Dr. Cameron: You think she had two unrelated rare conditions in one week?
Dr. Foreman: We explained the anaphylaxis.
Dr. House: What do you mean, we? I did! At least I thought I did... maybe I didn't. Still, it was all me.

Dr. Foreman: [writing on board] Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection.
Dr. House: [taking marker away from Foreman] Sorry, there's a reason they call it the white board. It's not my rule. What ties both these conditions together?
[Everyone stares blankly at each other]
Dr. Foreman: Okay, we can all stare at each other, or we can investigate what caused the heart failure— just the heart failure. You wanna give me that black marker?
[House reluctantly gives back the marker]

Dr. Wilson: Where's... the hooker, I assume?
Dr. House: [taps his head] Right up here, buddy.
Dr. Wilson: You said you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.
Dr. House: I didn't say it had to be with another person. [Wilson looks disgusted] Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?
Dr. Wilson: No. [raises voice] I was waiting out there for hours!
Dr. House: I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards.

Dr. Wilson: Oh, no wonder you were in the mood— this month's New Jersey Journal of Cardiology.
Dr. House: Have you seen the centerfold? There's no way those valves are real!

Dr. House: I scammed you into doing the dishes, I made you sit on the steps, I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.
Dr. Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy?
Dr. House: No it just... makes me smile.
Dr. Wilson: All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow.
Dr. House: Right, but not tonight.
Dr. Wilson: Well, I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep— I wouldn't wanna deprive you of that last smile.

Dr. House: Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.

[House is searching frantically through Melinda's hair for a tick]
Dr. Cuddy: Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.
Dr. House: They are until you FIND THEM!
[holds up comb triumphantly]
Dr. House: No, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time'll be even better!

Dr. House: You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and the water is boiling, which problem do you deal with first?!
Dr. Foreman: House.
Dr. House: None of them, the building's on fire!

[Cuddy, Wilson, and Melinda's parents burst through the elevator doors, only to see House searching for a tick with his head between her legs.]
Lewis: You sick, miserable...! [He rushes into the elevator]
Dr. Cuddy: What are you doing?
Barbara: Oh my god!
Dr. Wilson: Wait!
[The father has House pinned to the back of the elevator. House hold up his hand to reveal the elusive tick]
Dr. House: See? Told you it'd be more dramatic.

[House has been playing pranks on Wilson throughout the show. Wilson and House are walking down the hallway when House's cane snaps in half and he falls]
Dr. Wilson: Wow, looks like somebody filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping.

All In [2.17][edit]

Ian: I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom.
Mrs. Walsh: Which would you like to do first?
Ian: The question.
Mrs. Walsh: Okay.
Ian: Where's the bathroom?

[House, Cuddy and Wilson are playing poker at a hospital charity event]
Dr. Cuddy: Call.
Dr. House: You'll call anything.
Dr. Cuddy: My stack is bigger than your stack.

Dr. Wilson: So are you going to tell me an annoying story every time I raise?
Dr. House: God, that would be annoying.

[after hearing about Cuddy's patient]
Dr. Cuddy: You in or out?
Dr. House: I'm out.
Dr. Cuddy: [slaps a five and a three on the table] Oh! Stone cold bluff. You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. House: They don't match, either. I'm going to take some air.
[Wilson peeks at House's cards and sees that he had pocket aces]

Dr. House: [to Chase, in front of a girl he's talking to] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured after that girl in the stairwell, you'd be done for the night.
Dr. Chase: He's joking.
Dr. House: No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time.
Girl: I'll, uh, see you later.
[Girl exits]
Dr. House: Got a case.
Dr. Chase: Well, you could've just said that. You didn't have to screw with me.
Dr. House: Yeah, but if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope.

Dr. House: [looking amazed after seeing Cameron all dressed up] Woooooow... [pause] What were we talking about?

Dr. House: [on phone to Wilson, who is still playing with Cuddy] Keep your answers short and discreet. Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. Wilson: The still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is our target.

Dr. Wilson: [on phone to Dr. House] Well, thanks to your last consult the patient has improved dramatically.
Dr. Cuddy: Tell House the patient is about to kill the doctor.

Dr. House: [on phone] Go all in.
Dr. Wilson: You obviously want to bust me. Why, why would you...
Dr. House: Either you go all in or I tell everybody in the building that you wear toenail polish.
Dr. Wilson: [a moment, and then in a defeated voice] I'm all in.

[referring to House's patient from 12 years ago]
Dr. Wilson: Have you read Moby Dick?
Dr. House: It was a book?
Dr. Wilson: It was ten years ago.
Dr. House: Twelve.
Dr. Wilson: Obsession is dangerous.
Dr. House: Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obsession is a whale. I think I'm in the clear.
Dr. Wilson: You do realize it's a metaphor?
Dr. House: You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen, than what will really happen? God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better.

Dr. House: The parents are mad because their kid is dying, it's understandable, but if he doesn't die they won't be mad anymore.
Dr. Cuddy: Well if he's brain damaged they might still be a little ticked.

Dr. House: Disease lied.
Dr. Cameron: Yeah, the tumor's got it in for you, diseases don't lie.

Dr. House: You know relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal?

Sleeping Dogs Lie [2.18][edit]

Dr. Cuddy: [finding House sleeping] You've seen one patient in the last two hours.
Dr. House: Complicated case. I'm a night owl, Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.
Dr. Cuddy: Then move him into his own cage.
Dr. House: Who'll clean the droppings from mine?

Dr. House: If you two guys can't play nice together I'm taking away your toys. I don't care who's fault this is.
Dr. Cameron: If you hadn't...
Dr. House: Especially don't care if it was my fault.

Dr. Cameron: Depriving her of even the few minutes of sleep she does have that's torture.
Dr. House: So is cutting people with knives. You can totally get away with that if you have a doctor coat on.

[Cameron, Chase, and Foreman enter]
Dr. Cameron: [about the patient] We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. House: What, all of you?

Dr. Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
Dr. House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.

Dr. Cameron: Was this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman?
Dr. House: Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. Gotta hand it to Foreman, though—he knew that you're a suck-up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both.
Dr. Cameron: Right—we're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed. Maybe between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could've tipped me off.
Dr. House: Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me, and as annoying as you could be, at least I know you're not gonna pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh?

Dr. Chase: We should still do a scratch test, if she's allergic to one thing...
Dr. House: She is not allergic.
Dr. Cameron: Okay, well we could either base our diagnosis on your admittedly keen understanding of lesbian relationships, or we could do a scratch test.

Dr. Cameron: If she talks, if she does the decent thing, then you don't get to solve your puzzle, your game's over, and you lose.
Dr. House: Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt.

Dr. Cameron: Read Foreman's article?
Dr. Cuddy: It was good.
Dr. Cameron: Basically stole it from me.
Dr. Cuddy: So?
Dr. Cameron: You're on his side?
Dr. Cuddy: Sides, no this isn't dodgeball.
Dr. Cameron: What am I supposed to do, just sit back and take it?
Dr. Cuddy: No, write another article. Kick ass until you're sitting behind some big, expensive desk and someone from John's Hopkins calls and says "We're thinking about hiring Eric Foreman as our head or neurology", and you can say whatever you want.
Dr. Cameron: Lovely, revenge as motive for success.
Dr. Cuddy: Well, doesn't have to be the motive, but it sure tastes good.

Dr. House: Talk to the dog?
Dr. Cameron: We're not as up on foreign languages as you are.

Hannah: I've got the plague?
Dr. House: Don't worry, its treatable. Being a bitch, though... nothing we can do about that.

Dr. Cameron: If we want this to not get in the way of our friendship, I think we both have to apologize and put it behind us.
Dr. Foreman: I like you, really... we have a good time working together. But ten years from now, we're not gonna be hanging out, having dinners. Maybe we'll exchange Christmas cards, say "hi", give a hug if we're at the same conference... we're not friends, we're colleagues... and I don't have anything to apologize for.

House vs. God [2.19][edit]

Dr. House: Gotta go—building full of sick people. If I can hurry, maybe I can avoid them.

Dr. House: You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
[Paraphrase of Thomas Szasz, "If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; If you talk to the dead, you are a schizophrenic." (The Second Sin, Anchor/Doubleday, Garden City, NY. 1973, Page 113)]

Dr. Chase: You're gonna talk to a patient?
Dr. House: God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.

Dr. House: So, you're a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like "divine health management"?

Boyd: The nurses talk about you a lot.
Dr. House: Don't believe them. I keep a sock in my pants.

Dr. Wilson: Can this wait five minutes?
Dr. House: Is she dying?
Dr. Wilson: Yes.
Dr. House: Before the end of this consult?
Dr. Wilson: They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.

Dr. House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...
Dr. Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?
Dr. House: Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip.
Dr. Wilson: Ah, and there the similarities end.

Dr. House: I fear for the human race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening.

Dr. House: You know, I get it if people are just looking for a way to fill the holes. But they want the holes; they want to live in the holes. And they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes. [to the building] CLIMB OUT OF YOUR HOLES, PEOPLE!!

Dr. House: Isn't it interesting... religious behavior is so close to being crazy we can't tell them apart.

Dr. Wilson: House! Why the hell did you let an unstable patient wander the hallways?!
Dr. House: His leash broke.

Dr. Foreman: God would probably want you to take the stick out of your butt and get over this.
Dr. Cameron: If there is some higher order running the universe it's probably so different from what our species can conceive that there's no point even thinking about it. But I doubt it gives a damn about my butt.
Dr. Foreman: So you believe God might exist but you don't think about it? It's the most important issue...
Dr. Cameron: I think penguins might as well speculate about nuclear physics, why are we having this conversation?
Dr. Foreman: What? I'm curious.
Dr. Cameron: You cannot tell someone they're your colleague and not a friend and then casually chat about the afterlife.

Boyd: God says you look for excuses to be alone.
Dr. House: See, that is exactly the kind of brilliance that sounds deep, but you could say it about any person who doesn't pine for the social approval of everyone he meets - which you were cleverly able to deduce about me by not being a moron. Next time, tell God to be more specific.

Dr. House: Don't talk to my patient.
Dr. Wilson: What are you talking about?
Dr. House: You get all huffy when my patient stumbles into yours in the hallway, but you've got no qualms about chatting my guy up.
Dr. Wilson: This is fun, it's like Password. Keep talking, I'll jump in when I get a clue what the hell you're talking about.

Dr. House: Tie goes to the mortal.

Boyd: I knew they'd send somebody else.
Dr. House: That God has a big mouth.

[Doing introductions]
Dr. House: Wilson! This is, uh, Dry Cleaner. Tax Accountant. Guy from the bus stop. This is Wilson.
Dry Cleaner: How come he gets a name?
Dr. House: Seniority.

Dr. Chase: [to House] The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.

Dr. Wilson: And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules you can learn them, you can protect yourself. If a Supreme Being exists he can squash you any time he wants.
Dr. House: He knows where I am.

Boyd: She's healed, I have a gift!
Dr. House: A gift is jewelry, socks - what you have is herpes encephalitis.

Boyd: Dad, we have to have faith...
Walter: I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust... as much as you can trust a teenage boy.

Dr. House: You don't think God should get a point knocked off?
Dr. Chase: The tumor shrank.
Dr. House: Because of a virus.
Dr. Chase: Do you know what the odds are? She had to have the right kind of cancer, he had to have the right type of virus, the exposure...
Dr. House: She won the lottery.
Dr. Chase: You say she won the lottery, he says miracle.
Dr. House: Yeah, the Hand of God reached into this kid's pants, made him sex so he could scratch a rash and stick his fingers in some woman's face, give her a few extra months.

Euphoria, Part 1 [2.20][edit]

Dr. House: Cop with a sense of humor, differential diagnosis, guy's in the ER, bleeding on everybody.
Dr. Foreman: Drugs?
Dr. Chase: He's a cop.
Dr. Foreman: Good point, how about.......drugs?
Dr. House: Tox screen was clean, he did however get hit with a bullet. Just mentioning.
Dr. Cameron: He was shot?
Dr. House: No, somebody threw it at him.

Dr. Foreman: According to Babyshoes, the cop was laughing before he got shot.
Dr. Cameron: Babyshoes?
Dr. Foreman: The guy who shot him.
Dr. Cameron: Reliable witness.
Dr. House: His name's Babyshoes, how bad can he be?

Dr. Cameron: Do you live near a gas supply?
Joe: Uh, yeah me, after like a huge enchilada.

Dr. Foreman: What's Dr. Cameron wearing?
Joe: [looks over Cameron] Dark blue pants, white shirt, black shoes.
Dr. Foreman: Oh! Almost, except for the pants, shirt, and shoes. You're blind.

Dr. Chase: What are you looking for?
Dr. House: [checking corpses' toe tags] I called my mom. She didn't pick up.

Dr. Cameron: [Referring to Foreman] He doesn't like cops.
Dr. House: [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I are ever separated shopping...

Dr. House: Saying there appears to be clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is it a thrombotic bus or an embolic bus? ... I think I pushed that metaphor too far.

(House has just shot a corpse.)
Man: [peering in] Did anyone just hear a—?
Dr. House: I shot him! He's dead!

Dr. House: How unprofessional was Foreman?
Dr. Foreman: Ask him yourself, he's right here.
Dr. Cameron: Worse than usual, better than you. He berated Joe for being a bad cop.
Dr. House: Berated or humiliated?
Dr. Cameron: I'm not sure, I didn't have my thesaurus with me.

Dr. Foreman: Whoa, whoa. You think I'm sick?
Dr. House: I think that an appropriate response to watching your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly
Dr. Foreman: The fact that I've grown bored by your insanity is proof of nothing.
Dr. House: [speaking over intercom] Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase requests your assistance.
Cuddy walks in]
Dr. Cuddy: I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
Dr. House: Well if I'd shot a live person there's a lot more paperwork.
Dr. Cuddy: Then it won't be a problem for you to stand beside the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer patient has a bullet hole in his head.
Dr. House: The man donated his body to science. Yes, it's a tragedy. If I hadn't shot him his body could have spent the next year letting first year med students use the carpool lane.
Dr. Chase: He's set.
Dr. Cuddy: Do not turn that on, House!
Dr. House: You're mad because I put a bullet in his head. If it works, all I'm doing now is taking it out.
[House turns on the MRI. The magnetic field yanks the bullet fragments from the corpse and into the machine, causing it to overload. The lights go out and the team is left standing in the emergency lights.]
Dr. House: My bad.

Dr. Cameron: The chance of infection is next to nothing.
Dr. House: Yeah, I was never great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?.

[Dr. Foreman is having brain surgery while Dr. Chase shows up some geometrical pictures, but it takes some time for the answer about the last image]
Dr. Chase: Foreman. Why aren't you answering? Is there a problem?
Dr. Foreman: S-square.
Dr. House: Tell me your date of birth.
Dr. Foreman: Is that House?
Dr. Chase: Yeah. Next?
Dr. Foreman: [surprised but unable to move by head restrains] Square again. Why is he here?
Dr. House: Because my neurologist is having surgery.
Dr. Foreman: I thought I was another patient.
Dr. House: You didn't believe that crap. Did you? [while inserts a needle into Dr. Foreman's brain] Date of birth.
Dr. Foreman: The Ommaya reservoir is inserted in the parietal lobe. My spacial recognition is the issue, not my memory.
Dr. House: Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could swear you said biopsy. Hey! I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name, please.
Dr. Foreman: [while tries to look at Dr. House, who is standing behind and taking a sample] Get out of my temporal lobe, House.

Dr. House: [sitting on the chair] Why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore?
Dr. Cameron: I decided you were wrong.
Dr. House: God you're weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you're not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him.
Dr. Cameron: Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle.
Dr. House: Wow.
Dr. Cameron: Yeah.
Dr. House: God you're weak. [Cameron rolls her eyes] Guy tried to kill you. First thing on my list of things do would be to stab him back. Shoot him. Got a gun in my desk. Last thing would be on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard everything he wanted.
Dr. Cameron: I'm not here for Foreman, I'm here to save myself.
Dr. House: Eh... Even with a needle stick your chances of infection are pretty slim. That's why you're wearing the suit. You wanted to be here. He just gave you the excuse. What does that guy have to do to make you hate him?

Euphoria, Part 2 [2.21][edit]

Dr. Cuddy: You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. House: Ooohhh, Level Three. Should I call Jack Bauer?

[Wilson enters House's office to see House staring intently at his laptop]
Dr. Wilson: You're accessing a webcam?
Dr. House: Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?

[House has tried to infect his pet rat, Steve with the disease that's killing Foreman, and says he'll do a brain biopsy once Steve starts showing symptoms]
Dr. Wilson: As soon as he's dead.
Dr. House: Right after he gets sick there's a good chance he'll get hit in the head by a cane-shaped object.

[House waves a flashlight and makes ghost-like sounds to test a child patient for epilepsy]
Little Girl Patient: You're a goof.
Dr. House: Takes one to know one, loser. [Patient's mother looks at House in shock] Wait, that means I'm a loser. Scratch that.

[House talks to a concerned mom who thinks that her daughter has epilepsy]
Dr. House: In actuality all your little girl is doing is... saying yoo hoo to the hoo hoo.
Concerned Mom: She's what?
Dr. House: Marching the penguin... ya ya-ing the sisterhood... finding Nemo?
Little Girl Patient: [giggles] That was funny.
Dr. House: It's called gratification disorder, sort of a misnomer. If one was unable to gratify oneself, that would be a disorder.
Concerned Mom:[covering little girl's ears] Are you saying she's masturbating?
Dr. House: [making fun of the mother by talking out of the corner of his mouth so the little girl supposedly won't see that he's talking] I was trying to be discreet. There's a child in the room.
Concerned Mom: Oh, this is horrifying.
Dr. House: Epilepsy is horrifying. Teach your girl about privacy and she'll be fine.

[House leads Dr. Foreman's father into Dr. Cuddy's office]
Dr. Cuddy: House, what is this?
Dr. House: He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. Wilson: You've got to stop blaming Cuddy for this.
Dr. House: Well given that it is her fault, that seems appropriate.
Dr. Wilson: That part is her fault. The part where somebody wasted his time in a basement, plotting the overthrow of a government agency, that one's on you.

Dr. Cameron: Foreman's black.
Dr. House: What?! How long have you been sitting on this information?

[Cuddy has gone to see Foreman in isolation]
Dr. Foreman: Why are you here?
Dr. Cuddy: Because you're a friend, and I should be here.
Dr. Foreman: [sits up] I'm sorry House used my Dad to try and manipulate you. You've got integrity, you aren't going to change your mind just because you're confronted by my father.
Dr. Cuddy: Thank you.
Dr. Foreman: [angry] Just like I'm not gonna forgive you just because you come by here and ask how I'm feeling!
Dr. Cuddy: You know I've had no choice.
Dr. Foreman: Of course you had a choice!
Dr. Cuddy: Regulations are clear.
Dr. Foreman: And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension... hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail, if it saves my life!
[House comes into view]
Dr. House: You're dying too fast
Dr. Foreman: Couldn't agree more!
Dr. House: Hey Cuddy, having a nice visit?

Dr. Cameron: You feeling any better?
Dr. Foreman: I can't breathe, I'm dizzy, and I can barely hear anything over the sounds of my lungs crackling.
Dr. Cameron: That's the Legionellosis.
Dr. Foreman: (sarcastically) Well, you figure that out from the symptoms or the vial of stuff tossed in my room?
Dr. Cameron: I'm trying to be professional here, there's no reason to be nasty.
Dr. Foreman: I'm in pain!
Dr. Cameron: So's House.
Dr. Foreman: And he's a delight.
Dr. Cameron: He doesn't try to kill his colleagues.

Dr. Foreman: I think the first biopsy didn't give us the answer because you didn't go deep enough. I want you to do a white-matter brain biopsy.
Dr. House: [sarcastically] Absolutely. Don't blame you. The world is such a complicated place if you've got higher reasoning skills. I'm often jealous of small animals and retarded children. Take the antibiotics.

Rodney Foreman: My son says you're a manipulative bastard.
Dr. House: It's a pet name. I call him "Dr. Bling".

Dr. Foreman: [Foreman wakes up to find House examining him while Cameron and his father watch] I'm okay.
Dr. House: Your breath stinks, and you're peeing into a bag. What are our names?
Dr. Foreman: You did the biopsy? (Cameron nods) Thank you.
Dr. House: Names.
Dr. Foreman: [looks at Cameron] Cameron...
[He then turns to see his father]
Dr. Foreman: My dad...
[turns to House]
Dr. Foreman: And the manipulative bastard...
Dr. House: You remembered.

Forever [2.22][edit]

Dr. House: Tonight, "L Word" Marathon.
Dr. Wilson: You watch "The L Word?"
Dr. House: On mute.

Dr. House: Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the E.R.

Dr. House: Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose.

Dr. House: [to Foreman] Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. I take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists.

Dr. House: You're late.
Dr. Cuddy: And you are in my locked office, again.

Dr. House: Idiots are fun. No wonder every village wants one.

Dr. Foreman: I assume you considered the father and ruled him out.
Dr. House: What's that saying? "When you assume, you become a pain in the ass to me."

Dr. House: [trying to get a rise out of Foreman] I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the N-bomb if I have to.
Dr. Foreman: You're addicted to conflict.
Dr. House: [looks at his Vicodin bottle] Did they change the name?

Dr. Cameron: He got sick doing his job.
Dr. House: If he got killed doing his job I wouldn't keep him on the payroll.

Dr. Foreman: A few weeks ago you were upset that I didn't consider you a friend, now you're upset that I'm happy?
Dr. Cameron: What can I say, apparently I'm a bitch.

Dr. House: What are you doing?
Dr. Wilson: PCR Test.
Dr. House: You're doing it yourself. In the middle of the night. On a spoon. Cuddy's spoon.
Dr. Wilson: I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers.
Dr. House: Yeah... I do that after all of my dates too. People think you're the nice one.

Dr. House: I think it's great you can look beyond the fact she's the devil.
Dr. Wilson: I stole a spoon. You stole her garbage.
Dr. House: She's my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her. Especially if she dies. I'd have to learn how to manipulate someone new.
Dr. Wilson: Whoa. I think I'm gonna cry.

Dr. House: Ideas are not soda cans; recycling sucks.

Dr. House: You don't have cancer.
Dr. Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. House: You have no proof of that.

Dr. House: Bad news, estrogen is too high.
Dr. Cuddy: No matter how many people you tell otherwise, I am, and always have been, a woman.

Kara: I could've stopped, I didn't have to listen to those voices.
Dr. House: Spoken like a true sane person.

Who's Your Daddy? [2.23][edit]

Dr. House: [on answering machine] You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, go with it. Hang up, on three. One, two...*beep*
Dr. Cuddy: House, pick up. I know it's your day off. And you've no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case.

Dr. Cuddy: I thought I'd met all your friend.

Crandall: Heard about your leg.
Dr. House: Yeah, pulled my hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off.

Dr. House: She looks just like you. You have the same fro.

Dr. Cameron: I can handle a simple consent form.
Dr. House: Okay, I'll be Crandall. Dr. Cameron—
Dr. Foreman: House, from what you say this guy will trust you—
Dr. House: Are you in this scene? Go.
Dr. Cameron: I need to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.
Dr. House: Like to do? Is this fun for you?
Dr. Cameron: He's not you; he's not going to mock me.
Dr. House: Stay in character. I'm so scared; hold me.

Dr. Chase: Her heart's fragile after that last attack! Chances of tachycardia are...
Dr. House: You have my permission to blame Foreman in any negligence trial.

Dr. House: Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing.

Dr. House: You're designing a kid, a loser kid, who's already getting pummeled at recess.
Dr. Cuddy: Here, knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can beat up 613's kids.

Dr. House: Diagnostically, she needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win.

Dr. House: How does somebody who believes absolutely anything become a non-fiction writer?

Dr. Cuddy: Need you. Now.
Dr. House: [in a deep voice] Yes, Mistress.

Dr. House: I'm a really good secret keeper, I never told anybody that Wilson wets his bed. Oh, you tricked me.

Dr. Wilson: You didn't run the test?
Dr. House: Said I wouldn't.
Dr. Wilson: Okay, so either you lied, or he has pictures of you being nice.

Dr. Wilson: You're trying to end this discussion by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist, half my patients have their skin sloughing off.

Dr. House: Don't try to talk. You've got a big medical thing in your mouth.

No Reason [2.24][edit]

Dr. House: He's got a temperature of 103.
Dr. Foreman: And why do we care?
Dr. House: Because we're human beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.
Dr. Cameron: You took his history?!
Dr. House: Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.
Dr. Chase: You asked him what book he's currently reading.
Dr. House: It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? "Bwuu."
[Cut to clinic.]
Dr. House: Favorite dessert topping? [The patient hesitates.] Trust me, you'll never know what fact may be the key to saving your life.
Vincent: Whip cweam.

Dr. House: Where are you going?
Dr. Foreman: You're an ass.
Dr. House: I know. Where are you going?

Jack Moriarty: Which one of you is House?
Dr. House: Skinny brunette.
Jack Moriarty: No, that's Dr. Cameron.
Dr. House: I'm skinny. How'd you know her name?
Jack Moriarty: I was patient of yours.
Dr. House: Oh, well, if you want to leave the chocolates downstairs.
[Moriarty pulls out a gun and shoots House]

Jack Moriarty: [House is on the ground, having just been shot by Moriarty] Shocking, isn't it? Who'd want to hurt you?

Dr. House: I got shot, diagnostically boring. Big fat tongue, on the other hand, endlessly entertaining.

Dr. Cameron: Lie down, you've got to be in pain.
Dr. House: Not today, today I'm on morphine.

Dr. House: Why did you try to kill me?
Moriarty: I didn't.
Dr. House: Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.

Dr. House: Yeah. Killer needs his rest. Otherwise he's grumpy all day. [House bangs on Jack's bed with his cane.] Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life!

Dr. House: What sort of hospital has glass walls?
Judy: That's my husband.
Dr. House: Really?
Judy: You thought I just liked watching people get needles poked in their back?
Dr. House: Nope, figured co-worker or sister, not wife.
Judy: Why?
Dr. House: Don't worry, it's not insulting, at least not to you. You're satisfied by that answer?
Judy: You're Doctor House, aren't you?
Dr. House: You're not gonna shoot me, are you?
Vince's wife: You treated a friend of mine. She told me you talk to people if you have to, and then you insult them while showing off how insightful you are.
Dr. House: Sevens marry sevens. Nines marry nines. Fours marry fours. Maybe there's some wiggle room if there's enough money or somebody got pregnant. But you've got at least three points on your husband.

Dr. House: You shoot the guy who sold her the gun?
Jack: She locked herself in the garage and she started the car.
Dr. House: You shoot the guy who sold her the garage door opener?

Dr. House: Here's how life works: you either get to ask for an apology or you get to shoot people. Not both.

Dr. House: Okay, I'll be you guys: [mocking Dr. Chase] "No way, mate, too much blood to just be a vein!" [mocking Dr. Foreman] "No way, hizzy! If it was an artery, he'd still be bleeding." [mocking Dr. Cameron] "Actually, he'd be dead." [pathetic face]

Dr. Cuddy: There are plenty of reasons to administer...
Dr. House: Fine, I'll just go and beat the truth out of my surgeon. Gillick, right?

Jack: You pretend to buck the system, pretend to be a rebel, claim to hate rules. [We see that House is sleeping] But all you do is substitute your own rules for society's. Now it's a nice, simple rule— tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way. And what will be, will be. And what will be, should be. And everyone else... is a coward. But you're wrong. It's not cowardly not to call someone an idiot. People aren't tactful, or polite just because it's nice. They do it... because they've got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes, and they know that their actions have consequences. And they know... that those consequences are their fault. Why do you want so bad not to be human, huh? [Cameron and Foreman enter and see House looking asleep.] Oh, he's awake.
Dr. Cameron: House, we need to talk to you.
Dr. House: How the hell did you know I was awake?
Jack: Your nostrils flare when you sleep.
Dr. House: No they do not.
Jack: Fine, I'm lying.

[Vince is crying in pain, trying to use the restroom]
Vince: It's getting bigger!
Dr. Chase: You're getting aroused?
Vince: No, not that part!
[Chase bends over to check, Vince's testicle explodes]

Dr. Wilson: You don't want a healthy leg.
Dr. House: Ohh, here we go.
Dr. Wilson: If you've got a good life, if you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch; no reason to hate life.
Dr. House: Well here's the flaw in your argument. If I enjoy hating life I don't hate life, I enjoy it.
Dr. Wilson: I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is 99% accurate, which means there are some people who test positive who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything is okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness or even anger - they get depressed. Not because they wanted to die but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them, them, isn't real.
Dr. House: I don't define myself by my leg.
Dr. Wilson: No-o, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to somehow make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical. Anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual.

Dr. House: So, let's recap. We've just ruled out everything which makes sense, so the answer has to be something that doesn't make sense. Do a cystoscopy, make sure he's human.

[Cut to next scene]

Dr. Chase: Test was negative.
Dr. House: For him being human?

Dr. House: How can I tell what's real and what's not? Everything looks the same. Sounds the same. Tastes the same.


Jack Moriarty: Your concern is at if you act in the real world based on information that's not real, the results are impossible to foresee. But information is incapable of harm in and of itself. Ideas are neither good nor bad, but merely as useful as what we do with them. Only actions can cause harm.

Vince: You want to let a robot operate on me?
Dr. Cameron: The technology is amazing. It magnifies everything ten times, it's ten times the accuracy.
Vince: No way, I want a person!
Dr. Cameron: A person will be controlling the—
Dr. House: People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one eye, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal head.

[Cameron is lying down on the table, above are the arms of the robot. House is controlling the robot; Vince is sitting next to him.]
Dr. House: Relax Cameron, I'm not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small even in metric. If I do something that doesn't make sense, even to you, stop me. [He moves the robot's tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron's cheek.] Delicate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to reveal her bra.]
Dr. Cameron: House.
Dr. House: Does that hurt? [Cameron shakes her head.]
Dr. House: [to Vince] Seen enough?
Vince: No.
Dr. House: That wasn't a question.

Jack: You've wasted your life.
Dr. House: Yeah. If only I'd spent more time dedicating myself to finding someone worthy to shoot.

Moriarty: I don't want to hear semantics.
Dr. House: You anti-semantic bastard!

Moriarty: You think that the only truth that matters is the truth that can be measured. Good intentions don't count. What's in your heart doesn't count. Caring doesn't count. But a man's life can be measured by how many tears are shed when he dies. Just because you can't measure them— just because you don't wanna measure them, doesn't mean it's not real.
Dr. House: [staring at board] That does not make sense...
Moriarty: And even if I'm wrong, you're still miserable. Did you really think that your life's purpose was to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? No. You believe that there is no purpose. To anything. Even the lives you save you dismiss. You turn the one decent thing in your life and you taint it, strip it of all meaning. You're miserable for nothing. And I don't know why you'd wanna live.
Dr. House: [turns to Moriarty with a tear in his eye] I'm sorry.

[as he's about to succumb to anaethesia prior to having surgery to repair the wounds he sustained when shot by Moriarty]
Dr. House: Tell Cuddy...I want ketamine.


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