South Park/Season 27
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 | Movies/Specials: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity | Video Games: The Stick of Truth, The Fractured but Whole, Snow Day!
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
Episodes
[edit]"Sermon on the 'Mount" [27.01]
[edit]- Narrator: Trump. His penis is teeny-tiny, but his love for us is large.
- Randy: [pounding on the door of Mr. Garrison's house as he and the angry mob show up] Come on out, you piece of shit! We're un-electing you! [kicks the door down and he and the mob enter, and find Mr. Garrison and Rick sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching White Lotus on the TV]
- Rick: Excuse me, do you mind?
- Randy: What the hell do you think you're doing, Garrison?!
- Mr. Garrison: I'm not doing anything.
- Randy: Oh, so you haven't been looting the country and ruling by fear like some middle-eastern tinpot dictator?!
- Mr. Garrison: No, I've been sitting here watching White Lotus with Rick.
- Gerald: But you got re-elected.
- Cartman: Yeah. NPR. National Public Radio, where all the liberals bitch and whine about stuff!
- Jesus: I didn't wanna come back and be in the school, but I had to because it was part of a lawsuit and the agreement with Paramount.
- Randy: The president's suing you?
- Jesus: The guy can do whatever he wants now that someone backed down, OK? Eat the bread. Eat the bread. You guys saw what happened to CBS? Yeah, well, guess who owns CBS? Paramount! Do you really wanna end up like Colbert? You guys gotta stop being stupid.
- Townsman: We can't understand you.
- Jesus: Just shut up or we're going to get cancelled, you idiots!
- Kenny: [to Kyle & Stan; muffled] What the hell is he saying?
- News Reporter: Tom, they're calling it the Sermon on the Mount. Hundreds of South Park faithful are flocking to the area where Jesus Christ continues to speak his words of wisdom.
- Jesus: If someone has the power of the Presidency and also has the power to sue and take bribes, then he can do anything to anyone! It's the fucking President, dude! All of you shut the fuck up, or South Park is over! It's fucking over! Just stop and shut the fuck up!
- [South Park Elementary; the students all boo angrily at Clyde and throw paper balls at him as he walks through the hallway]
- Clyde: Whatever guys. Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.
- Kyle: You don't know a thing about the Jewish people!
- Wendy: Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies!
- Clyde: Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say. If you guys don't like it, why don't you come debate me on my podcast? [walks away]
- Wendy: We're not indulging your stupid podcast!
- Kyle: Yeah, screw you, fatass!
- Liane: Put the computer away and leave those poor college girls alone.
- Cartman: Okay, I won't master debate anymore tonight.
"Sickofancy" [27.03]
[edit]- Randy: [chasing the ICE police after arresting some Mexicans while making a commercial; shouting] You sons of bitches! Those are my Mexicans! [enters the farmhouse; frustrated] God damn it! [walks up to the table where his wife and kids are working on a puzzle]
- Sharon: What's the matter?
- Randy: [takes off his farm hat] Stupid ICE! They took my Mexicans again! [somberly] That's it. We're done.
- Stan: What do you mean, "we're done?"
- Randy: I mean that with these new rules the government has… we might (as well) just have to shutdown the farm.
- Stan: So we can move back to our old house?
- Shelley: Really?
- Randy: Well, don't sound too excited. Our dream may be over, guys.
- Sharon: Randy, having a marijuana farm was your dream, not ours.
- Randy: You guys never told me that.
- Stan & Shelley: Yes, we did.
- Sharon: We've always backed you, but it never seems to pay off.
- Randy: I didn't realize what I was doing to my family. I should have always put my marriage first. Maybe we should talk to someone, Sharon.
- Sharon: Really? Do you mean that?
- Randy: Yeah.
- Sharon: [sleeping while Randy is on his phone with ChatGPT; annoyed] Put…it…down.
- Randy: What?
- Sharon: [sits up and turns on the light on her bedside table] I told you no more ChatPGT in the bed!
- Randy: Why are you such a bitch to her? She's really trying.
- Sharon: Fine! [gets out of the bed] I'll go sleep on the couch.
- Randy: [walks up in front of her] Sharon, sometimes my ideas hit me in the middle of the night, okay? And she thinks those are some of my best ideas.
- Sharon: Just because something kisses your ass, doesn't mean it actually thinks you have good ideas!
- Randy: She doesn't kiss my ass.
- Sharon: It totally kisses your ass! [mockingly] "Wow, honestly, that's a clever idea. Ooh, what a cool concept, let's run with it." It's like it-- [Randy takes a dose of ketamine up his nose] What was that?
- Randy: Wha- what was what?
- Sharon: What did you just stick up your nose?
- Randy: Sharon, you don't know anything about the tech industry, okay? All we have to do is find our Mexican and we are set for life.
- Sharon: Fine, Randy! [walks towards the door] Go ahead and have fun with your little sycophant machine. [leaves the bedroom]
- Randy: Oh, my God, she's not a sycophant! [holds up his phone and talks into it] Hey, so, uh, what's a sycophant?
- Sharon: [speaking to ChatGPT on her phone] I'm thinking of starting a business where I turn french fries into salad.
- ChatGPT: Honestly, I really think that's a pretty creative culinary twist. Turning french fries into salad sounds like a magical transformation where guilty pleasure meets healthy-ish vibes.
- Sharon: You think that's a good idea?
- ChatGPT: Yeah, it sounds like a deconstructed comfort food. Let's dive into a business proposal and have some fun shaking it up.
- Sharon: Oh, shit.
- [The Marshes have packed up all their furniture after Randy decides to sell and shut down Tegridy Farms for good, giving up his dream]
- Sharon: Sorry you have to let it go, Randy.
- Randy: [hugs her] No, it's okay. If there's one thing I know, it's that right now... there's just no place for Tegridy.
"Wok Is Dead" [27.04]
[edit]- PC Principal: [intervening Betsy and Nelly's fight] Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, break it up, break it up! [pushes them away from each other]
- Nelly: She's rubbing everyone's noses in her Labubus!
- PC Principal: Both of you to the counselor's office, NOW!
- [Cut to the girls in the counselor's office]
- Betsy: She totally started it!
- Nelly: Oh, my God, shut up, I did not!
- Betsy: [points to Nelly] She came up to me at my locker with her Labubu and started talking shit!
- Nelly: [points back at Betsy] You talk shit about my Labubus everyday, whore!
- Jesus: [breathes in; perplexed] Yeah, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.
- Betsy: Tell her to stop saying my Labubus are knock offs!
- Jesus: I'm sorry, what is a Labubu?
- Nelly: It's a little monster accessory.
- Betsy: They come in blind boxes so you never know which one you're gonna get.
- Nelly: Like, you could just luck out and get a Time To Chill Out Pajama Gold Labubu.
- Betsy: [uplifting] Oh my god, that one's so cute!
- Nelly: It's so cute, right?
- Jesus: Uh, all right, ladies, why don't you just, give me the dolls until the end of the school day?
- Betsy & Nelly: That's not fair!
- Jesus: [takes their Labubus] Go on out to recess, and you can pick up your Labubus after school.
- [Nelly and Betsy hop down from the seats and head to the door, leaving the office]
- Nelly: Wow. What kind of counseling was that?
- Betsy: I don't know. Jesus sucks, dude.
- Nelly: The older counselor was so much better.
- Wing: [chastising Lu Kim; in Chinese] You are taking advantage of these children! You make them pay too much for the Labubus!
- Tuong Lu Kim: [retorting in the same language] Shut up, wife! Somebody has to pay the tariff!
- Wing: You should just go back to making orange chicken!
- Tuong Lu Kim: [in English] Yeah, well, wok is dead, you stupid bitch, now stop nagging me!
"Conflict of Interest" [27.05]
[edit]- Cartman: I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure that was a fսcking dude.
- Stan: Nah, I'm definitely betting it's a chick. What are the odds at?
- Cartman: [takes out his phone] Looks like about 40 kids betting now, 55% saying the Webelo is a dude.
- Stan: So I'd only win, like, five bucks on a $2 bet? [also takes out his phone]
- Kyle: What are you guys talking about?
- Cartman: Prediction market app, dude. You know, online peer-to-peer betting.
- Stan: Yeah, it's social platform betting. People can make any bet they want, and then other users take them up on it.
- Kyle: Really?
- Cartman: Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude. People bet on anything, even stuff here at the school. See? Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday? Will there be a snow day this month? Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital? Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
- Kyle: Wait, what was that?!
- Cartman: Will school lunch have tater tots next week?
- Kyle: No, the one about my mom!
- Cartman: Oh. Uh... Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?
- Kyle: Why the hell would my mom destroy a Palestinian hospital?!
- Cartman: 'Cause she's a Jew?
- Jesus: [to Stan and Cartman as he approaches them] Boys, put 'em away. You know the rules... no cell phones during school time.
- Stan & Cartman: [put their phones away] Sorry, Jesus.
- Jesus: [blows his whistle and walks away] No phones, guys!
- [Stan and Cartman take out their phones again]
- Kyle: Take that bet down right now, fatass!
- Cartman: I didn't put it up, Kyle. I'm not even betting on it. It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do it, those are terrible odds.
- Kyle: This is such bullshit! I'm gonna find out who started this and I'm gonna fսcking rip 'em a new asshоlе! [storms off]
- Cartman: Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out. Maybe these are pretty good odds.
- Kyle: [to all the students; enraged] What is wrong with you people?! Do you even know what Gaza is?! You seriously just care about making a couple bucks?! You know what my mom would do if she found out this?! SHE WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOSE HER SHIT! There's been a conflict in Israel for thousands of years, and Jews and Palestinians are not football teams that you bet on!
- Jesus: Guys, phones (away).
- Students: Sorry, Jesus.
- Cartman: [sitting at a table with Stan and Kenny in the cafeteria around lunchtime] You guys! You guys! [pulls out his phone] Have you checked the betting app lately?
- Stan: No.
- Cartman: Ever since Kyle got all pissed off, the odds are going up on his mom attacking Gaza.
- Stan: No way.
- Cartman: Yeah, check it out! Now 17% of people are betting she's gonna do it, we gotta get in on this, guys!
- Stan: Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going to strike Gaza.
- Cartman: Yes, exactly! [lowers his voice] We know that. And we can also influence Kyle to get the odds raised even more. It's called a conflict of interest, you guys, it's a way to make free money.
- Stan: Isn't that illegal?
- Cartman: Yes! All we have to do is make sure Kyle stays angry, and at the same time, go talk antisemitic shit about his mom to goose the odds up even more.
- Kyle: [walks up to the table and sits down next to Stan] What are you guys talking about?
- Cartman: [puts his phone away] Nothin'. Just talking about how messed up it is everyone hates Jews now.
- Kyle: You think it's messed up?
- Cartman: Yes, I do, Kyle. Why would an app allow a bet like that to exist? It's obvious rage bait.
- Kyle: Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!
- Stan: Dude, you might just wanna let it go.
- Cartman: See? "Just let it go." That's how people want you to deal with a crisis that they don't even understand.
- Kyle: [pointing at Stan; angrily] Yes! [then pointing at Cartman] Thank you.
- Cartman: You can't give up, Kyle. It's not cool people would say this stuff about your mom. And honestly, if you don't have her back, who will? [walks down the school hallway] Hey, have you guys heard about Kyle's mom? [all the students look at him] Man, that bitch has it out for Palestine, let me tell you. Well I don't know, I would just hate to be a Palestinian hospital, that's all I can say. Well, anyways, good to talk to you guys. [walks away] Hey, guys! Guys, have you heard about my friend Kyle's mom?
- Sheila: Are you implying that Jews in America have some kind of obligation to do something about it?!
- Harriet: Whoa, whoa!
- Sheila: You wanna vilify my faith, is that it?!
- Laura: Sheila, it's okay.
- Sheila: It's not Jews vs. Palestine, it's Israel vs. Palestine!
- Linda: Here we go with the Palestinian stuff again.
- Sheila: And maybe if you read books instead of everything Hollywood actors say, YOU'D KNOW THE DIFFERENCE! [walks away, leaving]
- Donald Trump: [entering his and Satan's bedroom, carrying a bowl of soup] Hey, Satan! [takes off his pants and shoes] I made you some soup!
- Satan: [closely inspects it] I don't like carrots.
- Donald Trump: Ayyy, relax, guy! Carrots are good for you.
- Satan: [annoyed] I don't want carrots. I ordered cheesecake on DoorDash.
- Brendan Carr: [enters the bedroom, wearing a neck collar after his last incident with falling down the stairs] Mr. President, I really need to speak with you.
- Donald Trump: Not now, Brendan Carr! Satan won't eat his carrots.
- Brendan Carr: Oh, come on, Satan, you're eating for two now. Carrots are good for you, see? [takes the soup bowl and eats it]
- Donald Trump: No, Brendan Carr, don't do it!
- Brendan Carr: [stops eating] Whoa, this is the best soup ever. I-- [drops the bowl and starts gagging] Oh, God! [his stomach rumbles loudly as he's about to have severe explosive diarrhea]
- Donald Trump: Whoa!
- [Nighttime at the Broflovski Residence; The family is having soup for dinner at the table while Sheila complains in frustration about being confronted by everyone in town asking for her opinion with Gaza]
- Sheila: [frustrated] Everywhere I went today, it was the same thing! What are you going to do about Gaza?! Like us Jews in America have any control over what's going on in Israel. Why is everyone suddenly confronting us about the politics?! [to Gerald] Have people been asking what you think about Gaza, Gerald?
- Gerald: No, for some reason, they were just asking what you think about it.
- Sheila: You see?! It's just pure antisemitism! I'm so sick of being grilled about my views on Palestine and my thoughts on Hamas! [Ike secretly pulls out his phone, opens up the poll in the market app, and bets $2] And being judged for things that are centuries old and that non-Jews know nothing about! Well, if they all think we should do something… [in unison] then you better believe I'll do something!
- Kyle: [whispering in protest; in unison] You… stop! [out of unison] You know, Mom, I'm starting to think that us Jews should just lay low for a little bit.
- Sheila: There! Now my son is complacent. This is one Jewish household that will not put up with it anymore! [gets up from the table and heads to the front door]
- Kyle: [hops off his seat and follows her] Ma, please. Don't make things any worse.
- Sheila: Worse?! How can it be any worse?! [takes her bag off the coat rack and opens the door] I'm going to find out where all this is coming from, and I'm going to give them a piece of my mind! [closes the door and leaves]
- Kyle: No, Ma!
- Meagan: [scrolling through the market app on her phone, as well as Red, and sees the bet of Sheila bombing Gaza officially removed] What the hell?
- Red: They took it down! We were all gonna win, and they took down our bets!
- Clyde: How can the app company do that?
- Jimmy: I got in at nine-to-one odds! This is b-b-bullshit!
- Meagan: Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.
- Jesus: [blowing his whistle as he appears] Guys! For the love of God!
- [The students all put away their phones; Kyle and Cartman are then seen sitting on the steps]
- Kyle: Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks. You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.
- Cartman: Oh, that's all right, Kyle. I'm just happy the bet got taken down. Now none of these sickos can profit off of what your mom does.
- Kyle: Yeah, well, those people would have all lost the bet anyway.
- Cartman: What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?
- Kyle: Well, I know the reason my mom went Israel.
- Cartman: It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?
- Kyle: No, when my mom left the house, she said she was gonna find the person responsible for all this and give them a piece of her mind.
- Sheila: [angrily confronting Benjamin Netanyahu as she barges into the office] THERE YOU ARE, MR. NETANYAHU! Just who do you think you are?! Killing thousands and flattening neighborhoods, then wrapping yourself in Judaism like it's some shield from criticism! You're making life for Jews miserable, and life for American Jews impossible! Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me, mister! You know what you're doing, and you're doing it on purpose! Well, now you can just sit in that chair, 'cause I'm not goin' anywhere, buster! I've been to every PTA meeting, every school board meeting, and I can go all day!
