Star Trek: Lower Decks

Star Trek: Lower Decks (2020–present) is an animated science fiction television series based on Gene Roddenberry’s Star Trek.

Season One

Second Contact [1.1]

Brad Boimler: Captain’s Log, Stardate 57436.2. The Cerritos is docked at Douglas Station for routine maintenance and resupply. We will soon set course for the capital planet on the Galar system, where we’re scheduled to make second contact with the Galardonian high council. First Contact is a delicate, high-stakes operation of diplomacy. Once must be ready for anything when humanity is interacting with an alien race for the first time. But we don’t do that. Our specialty is second contact. Still pretty important. We get all the paperwork signed, make sure we’re spelling the name of the planet right, get to know all the good places to eat...

[Ensign Beckett Mariner enters, gasps and laughs]

Beckett Mariner: Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Brad Boimler: Uh, nothing, nothing, nothing. I’m just…

Beckett Mariner: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Are you pretending to do a, “Captains Log?”

Brad Boimler: We’re all supposed to keep logs!

Beckett Mariner: Ok, Let me listen to it.

Brad Boimler: [annoyed] No, go away!

---

D’Vana Tendi: I can’t believe we are going to serve side by side. Scientists and commanders, an elite team.

Beckett Mariner: Yeah, no, we’re not really elite. We’re more like the cool, scrappy underdogs of the ship. You know, we don’t wash our hands, we’re doing kick flips all the time.

Brad Boimler: But with focus and dedication, you could be chief medical officer someday.

Beckett Mariner: Ugh, Senior Officers are overrated. They’re always like stressed out and just yelling about directives. It is better down here where the real action is.

---

Stevens: Nothing like a cold beer after a smooth second contact.

Jack Ransom: Now, that’s what I’m talking about.

---

Sam Rutherford: I would kill to work on the deflector dish. Most of my day is spent repairing food replicators.

Barnes: They really break that often?

Sam Rutherford: Only when you get food in ‘em.

---

Sam Rutherford: There’s a maintenance hatch on the other side of the saucer that should give us access to Deck Eight. What kind of music are you into?

Barnes: We have just enough oxygen to get there, but we’re cutting it close. I really like this classical band called, The Monkees. Ever heard of ‘em?

Sam Rutherford: Let’s just say, “I’m a believer.”

---

T'Ana: The anesthetic is useless. We have to work through the pain. Your hands clean?

D’Vana Tendi: Uhhh…

T'Ana: Pump this. Don't pass out. Nobody's authorized to pass out!

---

T'Ana: We need to get this man to sickbay immediately! He is very important!

Captain Carol Freeman: What makes him so special?

T'Ana: Nothing. He's worthless. It's the slime, captain. He's covered in slime that could save us all!

Captain Carol Freeman: Everyone, protect this slime!

---

Jack Ransom:Oh, what happened? Where am I? And… did I eat flesh?

D’Vana Tendi:Uh, hardly any.

Jack Ransom: HOW MUCH DID I EAT?!

---

Beckett Mariner: Still uh, happy to be here?

D’Vana Tendi:Are you kidding? I got to hold a heart!

Envoys [1.2]

Beckett Mariner: After we dump this in storage lets hit the bar and see if we can get a cute lieutenant to argue with me.

D’Vana Tendi: Interesting, why would you want that?

Beckett Mariner:I don’t know getting some uptight hunk all wound up gets me all…

---

Captain Carol Freeman: I’ve really got to think of something cool to say when we’re going to warp… something like, “it’s warp time.” What do you think of that? Was that good for you?

---

Sam Rutherford: Well, if you see an unaligned EPS conduit; don’t call me… mine are aligned as hell.

---

Jack Ransom: Ok, that was a rough start. FYI, in situations like that try employing the Janeway protocol.

Sam Rutherford: Got it. And what’s that?

Jack Ransom: [laughs] Good one.

---

Simulated Ensign: Captain, we're directly in the path of a small asteroid. Should we move to avoid?

Sam Rutherford: Uh, do the Janeway Protocol.

Simulated Ensign: Uh, are you sure, sir?

Sam Rutherford: ...Yes?

[the asteroid strikes the ship]

Simulated Lieutenant: Collision alert, sir! The kindergarten on Deck 8, it's gone!

Sam Rutherford: Uh, uh... [another collision]

Simulated Lieutenant: No. No no no, now the pre-K is gone! All the ship's children have been ejected into space!

Sam Rutherford: [mortified] All those kids...

Jack Ransom: Freeze program! In thousands of simulations, that's literally never happened before. [excitedly] Let's try another one, on a ship with even MORE children!

---

Brad Boimler: I've never even heard of an Anabaj. How did you know?

Beckett Mariner: Affinity for red, drawn to the weak minded, plus I kinda dated one once, but only to make my mom mad.

Brad Boimler: Weak minded?

---

Brad Boimler: I'm your copilot?! You're taking on more work just to bug me?

Beckett Mariner: Calm down, man. We can't have you co-flying angry. I need you co-calm.

---

Beckett Mariner: Ooh, this is the new shuttle with blast shield! Yeeah! It's a blast shield, it's a blast shield. And it comes down, and it goes up. Blast shield!

---

Sam Rutherford: Take your mind off this! Uh, think about work. Think about the warp core.

Patient: I got burned in the warp core!

Sam Rutherford: Those are dilithium burns?! How are you still alive, man? You should be dead!

---

Brad Boimler: I guess I'm just not cut out for Starfleet.

Beckett Mariner: Oh, please, you're Mr. Starfleet.

Brad Boimler: No, I'm not! Not like you are! I should just turn in my uniform and go- work on a research asteroid!

Beckett Mariner: No, absolutely not. Do not even joke about that. That is the lamest thing you could do.

Brad Boimler: I should just study bugs on a far-off planet, and then eventually get eaten, and no one will even know until they stumble upon my distress call, but it'll be way too late, and then they'll have to spend a bunch of time deciphering how things went wrong based on my final shaky video logs!

Beckett Mariner: …I'm sure you wouldn't get eaten.

---

Quimp: Give me your profit!

---

Temporal Edict [1.3]

Captain Carol Freeman: This ship is a joke!

Jack Ransom: Well, then we're the funniest joke in all of Starfleet.

---

Sam Rutherford: You never admit the actual amount of time it takes to finish a job. If you did, your days would be packed.

D’Vana Tendi: Isn't that lying?

Sam Rutherford: No. It's creative estimating. When you get an assignment, you exaggerate how long its gonna take, then you're a hero when it's done early.

---

Beckett Mariner: Look at us! Lower decks, breaching protocol together. Friendship!

---

D’Vana Tendi: I thought you said it was tradition, I thought you said nobody cared.

Beckett Mariner: They didn't. There was no way the captain noticed we were padding stuff out. Somebody ratted! I bet it was delta shift.

D’Vana Tendi: Ugh! Delta shift is the worst. They think they're so much better than us, just because they're so much better than us!

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Repel all intruders, but do not use it as an excuse to stop doing what you are doing! I want you to stay on track, and on time. It's called multitasking, people! They do it on the Enterprise all the time! I don't want to hear any complaining, I only want to hear repelling of intruders, and people getting their work done!

---

Beckett Mariner: Permission to speak freely?

Jack Ransom: You always speak freely. Nobody can stop you from speaking freely!

---

Brad Boimler: You're a great captain. Let them be a great crew.

---

T'Ana: You'll be fine. Want me to clean up those disgusting scars?

Beckett Mariner: Uh, no way. No. These are my trophies.

T'Ana: Congratulations, you look like a f---ing scratching post.

---

A far future school teacher: …which is why the Boimler Effect is something we will never forget. So named after the laziest, most corner-cutting officer in Starfleet history, Brad Boimler, seen here with one of the great birds of the galaxy. Anyway, let's move on to somebody even more important, perhaps the most important person in Starfleet history, Chief Miles O'Brien.

Moist Vessel [1.4]

Captain Carol Freeman: If you ever disrespect me like that again, I'll skip the court martial and blow you out the airlock!

Beckett Mariner: Cool. Well, live long and prosper.

Captain Carol Freeman: Don't you give me that sarcastic Vulcan salute! BECKETT!

---

D’Vana Tendi: It just- I feel terrible about this… you know.

O'Connor: Don't worry about it. Don't talk to me.

D’Vana Tendi: Anyway, I went and found a Hiverian metronome, and apparently if you just relax, and let it sync to your biorhythm, we can get you back on track and ascending by this afternoon!

O'Connor: You think I can realign a decade of spiritual enlightenment by this afternoon?!

D’Vana Tendi: Tomorrow morning at the latest.

---

Captain Carol Freeman:Has Mariner submitted her transfer request? I'm going to frame it.

Jack Ransom: She's… having a great time.

Captain Carol Freeman:What?!

Jack Ransom: She's finding little ways to inject joy into otherwise horrible tasks.

Captain Carol Freeman:Then give her worse jobs.

Jack Ransom: I've got her emptying ---- out of the holodeck's ---- filter!

Captain Carol Freeman:… Ugh. People really use it for that?

Jack Ransom: Oh yeah. It's mostly that.

---

Shaxs: Barstools hurt my back.

Andy Billups: You're not sitting on them right.

Shaxs: Not sitting on them right? I've killed better men for less.

Andy Billups: No, you haven't.

Shaxs: Well, I've threatened to kill better men for about the same.

---

T'Ana: Hmmmm...

Beckett Mariner: SHE FOLDS! You all fold! Every time, you all fold! You fold!

T'Ana: Don't tell me what to do! … I'm gonna fold.

---

Bridge Officer: Ensign Boimler, report to bridge duty at 15:30.

Brad Boimler: Oh, I'll report to bridge duty, and they'll get exactly what they deserve!

Bridge Officer: What?

Brad Boimler: Uh– Oh, nothing! That was a holodeck. Uh, Moriarty.

---

Beckett Mariner: You know, I get what you're trying to do here, and it is sick.

Captain Carol Freeman: I'm doing exactly what I need to. It's called being a captain.

Beckett Mariner: No, it's called being a dick.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Computer, hit it.

Computer: Hitting it.

---

Admiral Vassery: Is this how your crew treats authority? When it's known I mispronounce things? Are you really making foun of me?!

---

Brad Boimler: Where's your pip?

Beckett Mariner: I'm pretty good at getting demoted.

Brad Boimler: In the last hour?!

Cupid's Errant Arrow [1.5]

Beckett Mariner: You know, I'm sorry, but I'm starting to think that Barb might not actually exist.

Brad Boimler: Oh, she's real. She's as real as a hopped-up Q on Captain Picard Day.

---

Sam Rutherford: You know, Kula told me the Vancouver has fluidic processors that self-replicate their own silicas."

D’Vana Tendi: Nuh-uh!

Sam Rutherford: And he said they had tritanium hull brackets, and get this: T88s!

D’Vana Tendi: That can't be right. T88s aren't even out yet.

Sam Rutherford: I know.

D’Vana Tendi: It's a starship, not heaven!

---

Barbara Brinson: I swore I'd never do long distance, but then I met this goofball on Vendu last month. He radiates a primal confidence. I'm sure you've felt it.

Beckett Mariner: No, I try not to feel anything around Brad.

---

Beckett Mariner: I've got a bad feeling about Barb.

Brad Boimler: I know. I can't believe she used to date Jet! That guy's like a Kirk sundae with Trip Tucker sprinkles.

---

Beckett Mariner: Brad, when a Starfleet relationship seems too good to be true, then– red alert, man! It probably is.

Brad Boimler: You think she's cheating on me?!

Beckett Mariner: No! I think she's a secret alien who's gonna eat you, or a Romulan spy, or a salt succubus, or an android, or a Changeling, or one of those sexy people in rompers that murders you just for going on the grass!

---

Mixtus II Representative: It's an impossible problem.

Captain Carol Freeman: Well, we're Starfleet. Figuring out impossible problems is what we do, so let's just keep calm and, uh, try to think of a solution.

Mixtus II Representative: No! If you blow up that moon, you're murderers! You'll have blood on your hands!

Captain Carol Freeman: SHUT UP and let me think!

---

Beckett Mariner: Requesting emergency transport to Platform Gamma! Authorization, uh– Mariner Eight!

Transport Officer: Request denied. Is that a made-up code? Who is this? Clear this channel!

---

D’Vana Tendi: Wait a second, you can't just transfer us against our will!

Ron Docent: Pfft. Watch me. Do I need to remind you who my grandma's neighbor was? I guess I do. It was the admiral! And he's a psycho!

---

Barbara Brinson: First, I thought you were a rogue holodeck character, then, because of the way you were lurking around all day, I thought you were a Breen infiltrator.

Beckett Mariner: What? That wasn't lurking, that was protecting!

Barbara Brinson: Finally I realized you're probably a parasite!

Beckett Mariner: Bitch, you're the parasite!

Barbara Brinson: Exactly what a parasite would say, parasite!

---

Mixtus II Representative: The impact on our environment would affect both of us! We'd have to move our whole civilization!

Captain Carol Freeman: I know, but how can – wait, 'both'? What - what do - what do you mean, 'both'? How many people are in your civilization?

Mixtus II Representative: Me and my wife.

Captain Carol Freeman: There are two f---ing people on your whole f---ing planet?!

Mixtus II Representative: Well, yes. We're uh, we're rich.

Captain Carol Freeman: … Implode the moon.

Lieutenant: Yes, Captain.

Mixtus II Representative: You maniacs! We just redid the floors!

Terminal Provocations [1.6]

Andy Bullups: If we fire on them, it's an act of war.

Shaxs: I advise we fire on them!

---

T'Ana: Do you realize how hard it is to get cheese out of fur in a sonic shower?!

---

Sam Rutherford: Listen, I've been working on this new holodeck training program. I think it can help you. You want to try it out?

D’Vana Tendi: Oh my gosh, yes! Thank you, thank you so much, Rutherford! The holodeck, gah! Why didn't I think of that sooner?

Sam Rutherford: Yeah, you know it's not just for hanging with Sherlock Holmes, and Robin Hood, and Sigmund Freud, and Cyrano de Bergerac, and Einstein, and da Vinci, and Stephen Hawking, and Socrates…

---

Brad Boimler: I can't believe I actually made eye contact with one of the Zebulon sisters! Oh God! I forgot how to breathe.

Beckett Mariner: Oh my God, and then when they added the third Chu and they were doing the Chu Chu Chu dance? They're geniuses!

---

Badgey: Fun fact, I'm gonna rip your eyes out!

D’Vana Tendi: That fact wasn't fun!

---

Shaxs: Phasers locked onto their warp core, captain. Please, please let me shoot their warp core! I have been very good this month!

Captain Carol Freeman: Evasive pattern Sulu-Alpha.

Shaxs: OH, COME ON!

---

Drookmani Captain: I thought you said this trash wasn't worth fighting for.

Captain Carol Freeman: We're not fighting.

Drookmani Captain: Avoiding damage is fighting!

Captain Carol Freeman: Ugh! We can talk this out.

Drookmani Captain: *bleep* you!

---

Brad Boimler: We are so getting fired for this.

Much Ado About Boimler [1.7]

D’Vana Tendi: She's 5% faster and 6% smarter. You know, I hand-edited all six billion sequences. It was really fun!

Brad Boimler: When did you even find time for that?

D’Vana Tendi: Sometimes when I say that I'm going to the bathroom, I'm really recoding her DNA.

---

Beckett Mariner: Wake me up if it turns into something I need to care about.

---

Brad Boimler: Anyway, I'm into it. We get to rub shoulders with the visiting crew, maybe impress another captain.

Beckett Mariner: Oh, you're just excited to kiss a whole new butt, aren't you?

Brad Boimler: Well, I wouldn't put it like that, but yes. Very.

---

Beckett Mariner: Dude, what is wrong with you?

Brad Boimler: Nothing. I'm just phasing. No biggie.

Beckett Mariner: Disagree. Kind of a biggie.

---

Brad Boimler: How long is this gonna last?

T'Ana: How am I supposed to know?! You look like a goddamn science project!

---

Brad Boimler: Nobody wants a sparkly captain!

T'Ana: Oh, alright, alright, calm down. I already alerted Division 14.

Brad Boimler: The time travel police?!

T'Ana: No! D-14 handles unsolvable space illnesses and science mysteries.

Brad Boimler: And they can make me a real boy again?

---

Captain Amina Ramsey: Have you seen Ransom's photon torpedo?

Beckett Mariner: Barf! No! Disgusting! No, for real, that is big barf!

---

Division 14 Medical Specialist: I must warn you. Stepping aboard this vessel is consent to be surrounded by dark abnormalities, and the clinically obscene.

Brad Boimler: Uh, how long will it take to get to the spa? I wasn't sure how many books to bring.

Division 14 Medical Specialist: Do not trouble yourself with the journey. The Farm cures all.

---

Division 14 Medical Specialist: If those freaks think they can mutiny, they're in for a rude awakening!

Brad Boimler: No, no, no! The only reason I told you is so nobody gets hurt! We're all Starfleet. We have to follow the rules!

Division 14 Medical Specialist: I am the rules!

---

Beckett Mariner: Rutherford, we need your transporter thing up and running! Now!

Sam Rutherford: It made Boimler weird!

Beckett Mariner: BOIM US OUT OF HERE!

Veritas [1.8]

Clar: You will speak only into the Horn of Candor! With this horn, one of our most sacred horns, you must only speak the truth!

Sam Rutherford: Happy to be here.

---

Beckett Mariner: Roga Danar? are you nuts? I said who's the all time biggest badass not who's a dude nobody's heard about.

Brad Boimler: Everyone knows Roga Danar.

Beckett Mariner: No they don't.

Brad Boimler: He totally outsmarted Picard, and he has amazing hair.

Beckett Mariner: What about Khan, right? Khan was a genetically engineered super villain! Dude was a space seed!

---

Beckett Mariner: We'll fake it.'

Brad Boimler: Fake what?!

Beckett Mariner: It!

---

Brad Boimler: I Think we should do what you want to do, Captain. Captain's choice.

Captain Carol Freeman: I'm not asking you to kiss my ass. Come on. No wrong answers.

Brad Boimler: Well, okay. We could do uh evasive maneuver eighty… eight?

T'Ana: Is he *bleep* serious?

---

Captain Carol Freeman: What the hell are you doing?!

Beckett Mariner: You said 'Send them a message.' That means phasers!

Captain Carol Freeman: It means to send them a message to invite them to dinner!"

Beckett Mariner: No it doesn't!

---

Shaxs: Great work nerve-pinching those Vulcans, baby bear. Who knew you'd be better at it than they are?

Sam Rutherford: I did? But I don't know how to nerve-pinch.

Shaxs: Ha! Tell that to Spock and Spock.

---

Beckett Mariner: I never get to clean the conference room.

---

Jack Ransom: Let's ---- this ---- up!

---

Clar: You did not do martial arts on multiple armed guards!

D’Vana Tendi: You're right. I didn't.

---

T'Ana: Captain! Captain, Someone is replacing everyone on the ship with imposters who claim not to know me! We might be in a parallel dimension!

Alhambra Captain: And you are?

T'Ana: Uh, wait, is this… is this not the Cerritos?

Alhambra Captain: This is the Alhambra. Did you get on the wrong ship?

T'Ana: … F---! They all look the same!

---

Clar: If need you to tell me that your senior officers are infallible heroes!

Brad Boimler: Well they're not, and that's okay. We all joined Starfleet to dive first into the unknown. We're explorers, of course we don't always know what's going on. Did Picard know about the Borg? Did Kirk know about that giant Spock on Phylos? Did Dr. Crusher know about that ghost in the lamp thing from the Scottish planet that she hooked up with that one time? That whole thing. You clearly want us to say that the captain and her crew messed up, but we simply don't have the full story, and that's the truth! Whatever they did, I guarantee you it was all for good. You have shown no evidence that they're guilty of a crime, in fact, I find you guilty of trying to take them down with this sham of a trial! DRUMHEAD!

---

Q: I challenge you all to a duel! Pick your weapons. I pick the mind.

Beckett Mariner: Get out of here, Q! No! We are done with random stuff today. We're not dealing with any of your Q bull----.

Q: Oh s'il vous plait, Mariner. I want to put humanity to the ultimate test.

Beckett Mariner: Okay, I'm not French. No. Go find Picard.

Q: Oh, Picard. He's no fun, he's always quoting Shakespeare, he's always making wine…

Crisis Point [1.9]

Migleemo: Mariner, this report is a veritable fruit salad of insubordination.

Beckett Mariner: I don't want to be here. I broke the rules. I'm supposed to be in the brig!

Migleemo: Sorry. Captain's orders. She wants us to meet every week cooking up some healthy strategies to marinate you into the officer she knows you can be.

Beckett Mariner: I don't want your help! I want to show the captain that she's wrong, and then get put! In! The! Brig!

Migleemo: Full stop, Beckett. We need to find an outlet for all that rage. Have you ever made paella?

---

D'Vana Tendi: Nice shot, da Vinci!

Leonardo da Vinci Hologram: Grazie.

---

Brad Boimler: They'll respond exactly the way they would in real life.

Sam Rutherford: Ah. Hey buddy, how's it going?

Shaxs Hologram: Don't talk to me, I'm pissed off!

Sam Rutherford: Whoa! Amazing! We had that exact same conversation an hour ago.

---

Sam Rutherford: Ooh, nice font.

---

Brad Boimler: If this was actually happening, they'd send the Enterprise. But, you know. Artistic license.

---

Jack Ransom Hologram: Captain, we're ready for your command.

Carol Freeman Hologram: Mmm, time to take this puppy off its leash. Warp me!

---

Beckett Mariner as Vindicta: I am Vindicta, vengeance personified. At last, Freeman, I will bathe in your blood.

---

Beckett Mariner: Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

---

Beckett Mariner: Our revels now are ended.

---

Shaxs Hologram: When you get to hell, tell the Pah-wraiths that Shaxs sent you! Special delivery straight from Bajor!

---

Beckett Mariner: Oh, when are you going to give up the 'loving captain' act?

Carol Freeman Hologram: It's not an act! I'm overflowing with love and affection!

Beckett Mariner: Oh, shut up!

Carol Freeman Hologram: You shut up!

---

Sam Rutherford: Sir, are you okay?

Andy Billups Hologram: I'll live, but the crew–

Sam Rutherford: Will be fine. I initiated a rapid repeating emergency transport sequence and beamed the entire crew before we crashed.

Andy Billups Hologram: What? But that's not possible!

Sam Rutherford: No, it's a movie. You can beam whatever you want. You can do all sorts of beaming stuff in a movie.

---

Beckett Mariner Hologram: Get off my mom, you bitch!

---

Beckett Mariner: I know all your moves, and everything about you. I know you dressed up as Toby Targ every Halloween, even when you were too old. And I know that you actually love the warp core!

Beckett Mariner Hologram: Take that back! The warp core's lame!

---

T'Ana Hologram: Godspeed, you crazy *bleep*s.

---

Beckett Mariner Hologram: I may hate protocol, but I don't hate this ship. (coughing) I don't hate the crew. I work with my best friends. The captain's my mom. I would do anything for her.

Beckett Mariner: Oh come on. No, you hate the captain. You complain about her non stop. It's your whole thing.

Beckett Mariner Hologram: (coughing) Yeah, I mean she's hard on me, right? She's the captain and I'm a pain in the ass. But if she kicks me off the Cerritos (coughing) I'd be done in Starfleet. She's watching out for me the only way she knows how in her *bleep* overbearing mom way.

Beckett Mariner: Oh please, the only person you care about is yourself.

Beckett Mariner Hologram: Okay. Then why did I let you kick my ass to buy time for everyone to get off the ship before the self-destruct timer went off?

Beckett Mariner: Wait, what?!

---

D'Vana Tendi: Um, so do you wanna go maybe sit and look at the warp core with me?

Beckett Mariner: Wow, so lame! Yes, let's do it.

Sam Rutherford: We talking warp core? Ooh baby, I'm in!

No Small Parts [1.10]

Carol Freeman: Ugh. Landru.

Jack Ransom: I know, it's always weird revisiting planets from the TOS era.

Carol Freeman: TOS?

Jack Ransom: It's what I call the 2260s. Stands for 'those old scientists' – You know, Spock, Scotty, those guys. Seems like they were stumbling on crazy new aliens every week back then.

---

Jack Ransom: From now on, I'll make sure to give you special attention.

Carol Freeman: No! Be as hard on her as you always are!

Beckett Mariner: Yeah, be hard on me!

Jack Ransom: I'm only hard on you when you make me hard! I mean I'm – I'm not hard right now! I mean I could – I could get hard, if I wanted to, but I'm not hard right now. I'm so sorry! You're both great!

---

Steve Levy: Hey, Mariner! I'm Lieutenant Levy. We went on a date last year. I don't know if you recall.

Beckett Mariner: Yeah, Steve, I remember. You said Wolf 359 was an inside job.

Steve Levy: It totally was. So, hey, I was wondering, could you give this to your mom for me? It's just a few ideas I threw together on how to decorate the captain's yacht.

Beckett Mariner: Fine. Whatever.

Steve Levy: You're the best. Thanks, Mariner. Changelings aren't real. The Dominion War didn't happen!

---

T'Ana: You think your mom would be okay with me and Shaxs making a little love connection? I'd love to snag that Bajoran beefsteak with my coital hooks.

---

D'Vana Tendi: So, hey, do you want me to call you 'Exocomp,' or do you have an alphanumeric name, like TT30311?

Peanut Hamper: No, I didn't want to sound robotic, I wanted to be called something normal. So I analyzed all Federation languages and calculated a mathematically perfect name.

D'Vana Tendi: What is it?"

Peanut Hamper: Peanut Hamper.

D'Vana Tendi: Peanut Hamper? I LOVE IT!

---

Carol Freeman: This doesn't make any sense. The Pakleds aren't this powerful.

Jack Ransom: I thought they were kind of a joke.

Brad Boimler: Yeah, you guys aren't wrong. Pakleds would fake distress calls so they could steal technology from anyone who showed up to help, but I'm detecting weapons from over thirty different species.

Carol Freeman: Ah, looks like they're not a joke anymore.

---

Badgey: Hello, father. I've already created three viruses that would disable Pakled technology.

Sam Rutherford: You were monitoring comms?

Badgey: Oh, I'm always monitoring comms.

---

T'Ana: REOWR! Uh, sorry. I mean get the captain to the biobed, quick, quick!

---

Shaxs: This is the best day of my life!

---

Pakled Captain: Make us go! Go guys go!'

---

Sam Rutherford: Nice to meet you, I'm Rutherford.

D'Vana Tendi: Oh, your implant. I-It must have damaged your long term memory. Do you remember me at all?

Sam Rutherford: Well, no. But don't take it personally. I don't remember what I don't remember.

D'Vana Tendi: You know what this means, right? (Her eternal optimism kicks in) We get to become best friends all over again!

Sam Rutherford: Okie dokie!

---

Will Riker: Carol! I guess those Cali-class ships can hold their own longer than people say.

Carol Freeman: Thanks for the assist, captain.

Will Riker: No need to be so formal. You know, I was her mentor.

Carol Freeman: Uh, yeah, well I remember it differently.

Will Riker: You were sort of my cha'DIch! We used to get in so much trouble!

Carol Freeman: 'We'?"

---

Jack Ransom: Deanna, can you introduce me to any of your Betazoid friends?

Deanna Troi:Jack, I sense you exaggerate your confidence in order to mask an ocean of insecurity.

Jack Ransom: Oh, will they sense that too? I can make that work for me.

---

Will Riker: Hey, how about you buy me a drink? You know, since we're even? Remember? The thing with the aliens where I saved your ass?

Beckett Mariner: We are not even, and we don't use money. What happened to you, man? You used to be sharp.

---

Beckett Mariner: Boimler, you can't keep ducking me forever! It is a really small galaxy out there. Sooner or later, I'm gonna run into you, and I'm gonna feed you to an Armus! You hear me?!

Jen: Hey psycho, keep it down. We're trying to sleep!

Beckett Mariner: Oh shut up, Jen!

---

Will Riker: I'm sorry I'm late, I was watching the first Enterprise on the holodeck. You know, Archer and those guys? What a story. Those guys had a long road getting from there to here.

---

Will Riker: Give me warp in the factor of five, six, seven, eight!

Deanna Troi (long-suffering): Oh, the jazz...

---

Captain Carol Freeman: I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to replace [Shaxs]

Beckett Mariner: Well, wherever he is, I'm sure he's full-throat screaming in someone's face and ejecting a warp core.

Captain Carol Freeman: I'd like to think you're right.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: How much contraband have you hidden on my ship?

Beckett Mariner: I don't know. A lot!

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Nothing against second contact missions but the Cerritos should be popping in on those legacy civilizations BEFORE they unravel.

Ransom: Yeah, but popping in is against regulation. We would need specific orders.

Captain Carol Freeman: I just hate seeing a perfectly good society get destroyed by a Gamester of Triskelion and/or whatever because Starfleet has a policy of SOME intervention.

---

Beckett Mariner: Well, that's Starfleet. Good at observing and bad at maintaining.

---

D'Vana Tendi: What about the needs of the many?

Peanut Hamper: I joined Starfleet to piss off my dad, not to be a virus bomb.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: I can't believe you all started reworshipping the dang computer!

Betan: Well, Landru is very persuasive.

Landru: Consume the intruders! Obey Landru!

Captain Carol Freeman: Hey! Don't make me paradox you into destroying yourself.

Landru: Landru apologizes!

---

Beckett Mariner: Maybe I should apply to the Sacramento.

Brad Boimler: I don't know. They might be looking for someone a little less criminally insubordinate.

---

Dr. T'ana: You think your mom would be okay with me and Shaxs making a little love connection? I'd love to smack that Bajoran beefstick with my coital hooks.

---

Jack Ransom: We're out of options!

Captain Carol Freeman: Then I need someone to make me some.

Beckett Mariner: Me? What am I supposed to do? I don't know these guys!

Captain Carol Freeman: Do what you do best. I need a dangerous, half-baked solution that breaks Starfleet codes and totally pisses me off. That's an order.

Season Two

Strange Energies [2.1]

Brad Boimler (Hologram): Oh my God, Mariner, you gotta get me out of here. They keep showing me lights!

---

Jennifer: What are you doing?

Beckett Mariner: Cardio. Plus a little strength training.

Jennifer: So you work out by staging Cardassian prison breaks?

Beckett Mariner: Yeah. What do you do?

Jennifer: Uh, yoga?

Beckett Mariner: Wow, how unique!

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Humanity has a complicated relationship with organized religion.

T’Ana: Well, strange energies doesn't. Ever hear of Gary Mitchell? It got real weird, real fast.

---

Casey: Captain, there's a giant head approaching the ship.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Full stop, mister. This my ship!

---

Jack Ransom: Mariner? What was I doing?

Beckett Mariner: You were trying to eat the ship, sir. I had to apply concentrated force to your neutral zone.

---

Beckett Mariner: Love you, Mom.

Carol Freeman: Love you, too. Never disobey me again!

Beckett Mariner: I do what I want!

---

Samanthan Rutherford: I hate pears again! They're so mealy and bland. *bleep* pears!

---

Captain Will Riker: Red alert! I'm starting to think this jam session's got too many licks and not enough comp!

Brad Boimler: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!

---

Captain Will Riker: I LOVE MY JOB!

---

Beckett Mariner: I used to sneak away and do all sort of little, off-the-books side missions without cluing her in. Now, that's impossible. She's so happy. It's very sweet. But I am losing my mind. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

---

Beckett Mariner: You snuck off in the middle of my shift without saying goodbye! You know who my best friend is now? My mom! It sucks! It's like work.

---

Cardassian Interrogator: You're abandoning your fellow officer?

Beckett Mariner: Yeah, well, he did it first.

---

D'Vana Tendi: I'm worried about SMD, Synthetic Memory Degradation. It's a rare condition that affects cyborgs with new implants. First, your opinions change. Then, your brain liquefies and melts out of your nose. Luckily, this is exactly what I've been training for. I will save my friend!

---

Beckett Mariner: So your brains aren't going to melt?

Samanthan Rutherford: Nope. I mean, not from the implant. But we're in Starfleet so who knows what's going to happen next week.

---

Jack Ransom: The away team is awaiting your orders, Captain.

Captain Carol Freeman: Sorry, Commander. I forgot you were there.

Jack Ransom: That does tend to happen a lot these days.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Doc, how did they deal with Gary Mitchell?

T'Ana: Kirk smooshed him with a boulder.

---

Samanthan Rutherford: Stop! You can't just keep attacking me and trying to surprise me into getting better. If I do have this LSD thing.

D'Vana Tendi: SMD

Samanthan Rutherford: Whatever. You can't cure it like getting rid of hiccups.

D'Vana Tendi: You're right.

Samanthan Rutherford: Thank you.

D'Vana Tendi: I'll have to get your brain out of your skull and freeze it so I can nanosuture your dendrites by hand!

---

Samanthan Rutherford: So you were utilizing highly-invasive neuromedical procedures in order to make sure I liked you?

D'Vana Tendi: Yes, you can hate me

Samanthan Rutherford: How can I hate you? Tackling an emotional problem with scientific experimentation is exactly what I would've done.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: What is he doing now?

Jack Ransom [in the background]: It's easy to become a god. The trick is staying a god.

T'Ana: He seems to be focussing on his bis and tris.

Kayshon, His Eyes Open [2.2]

Carol Freeman: Lieutenant Kayshon, welcome to the Cerritos.

Lieutenant Kayshon: Rapunki, when he joined the seven. … Ah, sorry. The universal translator doesn't always – what I meant was, uh, it is my honor, captain.

---

Will Riker: Mr. Boimler, attack pattern delta! Target the aft shields. Let's see how these Pakleds do with their aft hanging out!

---

Lieutenant Kayshon: Perhaps he preferred to be alone.

D'Vana Tendi: Yeah, I guess more time to enjoy … Kahless' fornication helmet. Oh, that's fun. Safety first!

---

Beckett Mariner: We need to get to the engine room, and disable the defenses. For us to make it out of here, we're gonna have to travel into the belly of the beast-

Jet Manhaver: Quiet. I've got a safer plan.

Beckett Mariner: What? No, you don't cut off my badass plan!

---

Brad Boimler: Are you talking about the D? The flagship? They went to different dimensions, they fought the Borg, they insurrected!

USS Titan First Officer: They had regular string quartets. Wow, what a rush.

---

D'Vana Tendi: Kahless' sex helmet? You took it! That's what set off the ship! This is all your fault, you pervert! No judgement.

---

Brad Boimler: Stay strong, brother. We miners shall overcome.

Karzill IV miner: Dude, you're clearly Starfleet. Your hands are super soft and clean.

Brad Boimler: Uh, no, I'm a miner with a heart of gold. And I have dad issues.

---

Brad Boimler: Aw, man. A copy of me got transported out? Boo.

William Boimler: I'm the transporter clone? Boo.

---

Will Riker: Hey, I wish I could be on a ship that's exploring and solving science mysteries instead of nonstop fighting.

Brad Boimler: Like on the D?

Will Riker: Exactly. Damn, do I miss that ship. Enjoy it while you have it, Bradward.

Brad Boimler: I will, sir.

---

Jet Manhaver: I'll try to come up with a plan.

Beckett Mariner: Enough with this whole textbook leader routine. We're not buying it.

Jet Manhaver: I'm just trying to step up here. You're the one with the act. The whole dive-in headfirst thing. You're just desperate to be seen as some kind of renegade hero.

Beckett Mariner: No, I'm not! Diving in is just how I work best.

Jet Manhaver: And I like to think things out. Sorry if that comes off as all 'textbook' to you.

---

USS Titan First Officer: This is what we signed up for, men. To boldly go. Boimler?

Brad Boimler: Uh, I'm sorry. I gotta be honest. I didn't join Starfleet to get in phaser fights. I signed up to explore, to be out in space, making new discoveries and peaceful diplomatic solutions. That's boldly going.

---

Jet Manhaver: We don't need to be heroes today, people. We just need to survive.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: What the hell is going on?

Samanthan Rutherford: The ship tried to collect us, Captain.

Captain Carol Freeman: Where's Kayshon?

D'Vana Tendi (holding up Kayshon, sheepish): Kayshon. When he became a puppet.

Captain Carol Freeman: This is what being hands-off gets me? Well, NEVER AGAIN!

---

Brad Boimler: I got transporter cloned.

Samanthan Rutherford: Ah-ha! Pay up.

D'Vana Tendi: Dammit. How did you possibly guess that?

Samanthan Rutherford: I dunno. It just seemed like a Boimler thing to happen.

---

Beckett Mariner: Actually, usually Boimler leaves that one open for me. He has issues with communal nudity.

Jet Manhaver: Well, I'm not him and he's not here.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Collectors Guild. Just a bunch of greedy packrats.

Jack Ransom: Wasn't he the one who tried to collect Data?

Captain Carol Freeman: They all tried to collect Data.

Migleemo: Why couldn't they leave Data alone? He just wanted to feel.

---

Kayshon: Apologies, my Federation Standard is still shaky.

Jet Manhaver: It's no problem, sir. Or, should I say, it's no Beast at Tanagra.

Beckett Mariner: More like suck-up at Tanagra.

---

D'Vana Tendi: Red alerts from that worm hole kept me up half the night.

Beckett Mariner: Oh, I know. It's like, 'Are we crossing the event horizon or not?' Like, I don't care actually. I just want you to pick one.

We'll Always Have Tom Paris [2.3]

Shaxs: There's a reason we don't anyone how we come back.

Samanthan Rutherford: I know. You can't tell me because I'm just an ensign.

Shaxs: It's nothing to do with rank, son. We're sparing you dark truths about scientific depravity that would haunt you for the rest of your days. Once you know, you can never go back to being the man you were before.

Samanthan Rutherford: Works for me! Tell me, tell me!

---

Beckett Mariner: Don't feel bad that you don't know much about my life. I keep it vague on purpose.

D'Vana Tendi: Why?

Beckett Mariner: Every time I open up, people get promoted and take off. It's better to just keep it surface level and never have friends instead of always losing them.

---

D'Vana Tendi: The reason you don't much about me... that's my fault. I'm always so busy making everyone else happy that I never open up.

---

D'Vana Tendi (ever the optimist): It'll be interesting getting in trouble. I've never done that before.

---

Beckett Mariner: Don't be so hard on yourself. It was just a mistake.

D'Vana Tendi: I don't get to make mistakes like you do. It was hard getting into the Academy. There's still a lot of stigma around Orions. A lot of humans think we're all thieves and pirates! Wait, my cousin works in a thieves' den in a pirate outpost in this sector. He might be able to help us out.

Beckett Mariner: As long as you aren't bothered by the optics, it works for me.

---

Samanthan Rutherford: He saved my life! You know what, I'm going to ask him.

Brad Boimler: They don't like it when people ask how they came back, man. It's probably just a transporter buffer thing.

Beckett Mariner: Yeah, or a restored katra, or a Mirror Universe switcheroo, or the Borg rebuilt him...

Brad Boimler: Or he could be a future son from an alternate timeline, or maybe he got Genesis deviced, or a time ribbon.

Beckett Mariner: Or he was trapped in the Nexus.

Brad Boimler: Nexus, time ribbon, it's the same thing.

---

Samanthan Rutherford: Shaxs is alive?

Beckett Mariner: Yeah, guess so. Bridge officers are always coming back from the dead. You gonna finish that muffin?

---

Gambler: Cheater! You claimed you were only a beginner!

Beckett Mariner: Yeah, I'm beginning to school your ugly ass.

---

Beckett Mariner: What up? We doing sci-fi stuff today?

---

Brad Boimler: Guess who I get to meet today! The creator of Fair Haven himself, Captain Proton himself: Lieutenant Tom Paris!

Beckett Mariner: No way! That's awesome! Is he still a salamander?

---

D'Vana Tendi: Dr. T'Ana's gonna know I violated her trust! I'm gonna get fired!

Beckett Mariner: Hey, no. Stop that. No one's getting fired over Jeremy, okay?

---

Brad Boimler: Computer, emergency shutdown!

Cerritos Computer: Authorization not recognized.

Brad Boimler: You don't need authorization in an emergency!!

---

Shaxs (hallucination): In the Nexus, it's always Christmas.

---

Beckett Mariner: Tendi, you gotta warn me if we're gonna be meeting up with a sexy bad boy, that's my type. Well, one of my types.

D'Vana Tendi: You have a thing for bad boys?

Beckett Mariner: Oh, I'm always dating bad boys. Bad girls, bad gender-nonbinary babes, ruthless alien masterminds, bad Bynars...

---

Tom Paris (plate): You are Brad Boimler, and you've been in tougher spots than this. Now open up a panel and start figuring out a solution.

Brad Boimler: You're right. Thanks, Tom Paris.

Tom Paris (plate): I am a little worried about the fumes in here though. You know, since you're talking to a plate.

Brad Boimler: I don't know. I kinda like 'em.

---

Tom Paris: This is how we kick ass in the Delta Quadrant! Ki-ya!

Mugato, Gumato [2.4]

Brad Boimler: We spend all of our time with Mariner. Pretty sure we'd know if she was the perfect weapon. Most of the time, she's napping.

---

Brad Boimler: So I was reading up on the Mugato. Did you know they have alternative pronunciations? Mugatu, Mugutu, and Gumato? Isn't that neat and inconsistent?

Samanthan Rutherford: Hm.

Brad Boimler: Dude, I'm talking alien pronunciations here. That's, like, your favorite thing. What's up?

---

Shaxs: You all got the briefing. No weapons. These Mugutus are endangered, and their genitals are sensitive to phaser fire.

---

Jack Ransom: Poisonous, carnivorous, strength of ten men? Ha, sound like my ex.

---

T'Ana: When I picked you for this job, I was counting on you to give up.

D'Vana Tendi: Well, maybe the old Tendi was a pushover, but a lot's changed since slightly earlier today.

---

Beckett Mariner: Let's hit the phaser range. I need moving targets.

Brad Boimler: This isn't work. We're playing Diplomats!

Samanthan Rutherford: And we're at a crucial point in the negotiations. We're both about to lose!

Beckett Mariner: Why is that good?

Brad Boimler: If both sides are equally unsatisfied with the negotiation, you can close the deal.

---

Beckett Mariner: What's got you so jumpy?

Brad Boimler: Just excited to see a mugato.

Beckett Mariner: Oh, you would be. Just stay out of my way down there. Or else.

Samanthan Rutherford: Ahh! Or else what?

Beckett Mariner: I don't know, we'll get poisoned by a mugato – you guys are so weird, sometimes.

---

Kynk: Hey, no need for this. We're licensed businessmen.

Shaxs: Oh really? You have a permit?

Kynk: Yes, a permit to whip you!

---

Brad Boimler: Even if we did believe you, how do you explain the Atlantis? Half the crew disappeared with no explanation.

Samanthan Rutherford: Did you eat them?!

---

T'Ana: Congratulations. You got me.

D'Vana Tendi: I- I just don't understand. Why not just get your exam?

T'Ana: You want me to see a doctor? I AM the doctor!

---

D'Vana Tendi, as she chases T'Ana for her physical: Bad Dr. T'Ana! Bad!

---

Brad Boimler: I wish Mariner was a super soldier.

Samanthan Rutherford: Or if only we had special powers.

Brad Boimler: Wait, we do. I mean, maybe not here, but here.

Samanthan Rutherford: Our skin!

Brad Boimler: Our brains. It's our brains.

Samanthan Rutherford: Brains, right. Brains are inside of our skin.

---

Shaxs: Oh, Mariner, what's happening?

Beckett Mariner: Those two beautiful, nerdy men are negotiating us to safety using the power of math.

---

T'Ana,to Shaxs: Mugato venom can have latent effects, so I'll need to check on you later… in your quarters. I just got my physical. I could heal you all night.

---

T'Ana: Now that's confidence. You really showed me something today, kid.

D'Vana Tendi: Thank you, doctor.

T'Ana: But this isn't your patient, so get the *bleep* out of our way!

D'Vana Tendi: Yes, doctor.

An Embarrassment Of Dooplers [2.5]

Brad Boimler: I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I didn't even know you had feelings.

Beckett Mariner: Of course, I do! I just don't show them to everyone. I don't know why I make an exception for you.

---

Brad Boimler: We can forget about the party because guess what? We're probably getting arrested instead.

Beckett Mariner: No way, I didn't put on underwear for nothing.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Our ship might not be the biggest, and we might do the missions nobody else wants, but we are still Starfleet. My crew deals with just as much **** as Picard's or any other. We might be California class, but we are the best at what we do. I'm Captain Carol Freeman. This is my crew. And you are letting us into that party!

---

Beckett Mariner: Aw, crates!

Brad Boimler: Hold on, what's in them?

Malvus: Limited edition Commander Data bubble bath

Boimler: You sure this isn't a Lore?

Malvus: Meh, a couple might be Lores.

---

Brad Boimler: Woah. I've never been on a station this old. It's like a whole city.

Beckett Mariner: Yeah, it's great, but it kind of smells like pee sometimes.

---

Samannthan Rutherford: We can escape through the maintenance hatch.

D'Vana Tendi: It was sealed off months ago. Don't you remember?

Samanthan Rutherford: No, Tendi, I don't remember, and that's the problem. My whole deal is repairing starships. If I can't fix this little toy, then I don't even know who I am anymore.

D'Vana Tendi: You're still Samathan Rutherford.

Samanthan Rutherford: Am I? The old me was better. I can't figure out his notes and I'm like a year behind being friends with you. It's like I'm competing with my own ghost.

---

Malvus: I should disintegrate you for stranding me on Ceti Alpha IV which, I'll have you know, is much worse than Ceti Alpha V!

Beckett Mariner: I don't strand people!

Brad Boimler: She stranded me on Rubicon III.

Beckett Mariner: You stranded yourself.

Brad Boimler: Pfft. What about on Axelus?

Beckett Mariner: Ok, yeah, I stranded you there.

---

D'Vana Tendi: After a long day of working on the ship, nothing relaxes me like building a smaller version of the ship.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: There's no need to feel embarrassed.

Doopler Emissary: Thank you, you're very kind. Wait! That's what someone says when there is a reason to be embarrassed!

Captain Carol Freeman: Okay, I'm just not gonna say anything. We can just be silent.

Doopler Emissary: … She's giving us the silent treatment! THAT'S EVEN WORSE!

---

Beckett Mariner: Okay, I'm sorry I left you on Ceti Alpha. I really thought there was life there.

---

Malvus: I'll send you the location, but you still owe me.

Beckett Mariner: I owe a foot up your ass!

---

Shaxs: Your pagh is weak, and it disgusts me!

Doopler Emissary: I don't even know what that is, but I don't like your tone!

---

Beckett Mariner: Okona is in there?!

Bouncer:He's the DJ.

Beckett Mariner: What? He's not even Starfleet! This is outrageous!

---

Beckett Mariner: Boimler's my number one, now he has to grow a beard!

The Spy Humongus [2.6]

Jack Ransom: So what has you seeking asylum? Religious persecution? Leading a rebellion? Some sort of sex stuff?

---

D'Vana Tendi: You just experienced full molecular engorgement in a matter of seconds. Did it feel amazing?

---

Brad Boimler: You call yourselves 'Red Shirts'?

Castro: Cool name, right? Makes us sound invincible.

---

Casey: Hey, Boimler, how often did Riker clean his trombone?

Brad Boimler: Oh, constantly. It was actually kind of disruptive.

Casey: I need to learn to blow something brass.

---

D'Vana Tendi: What's anomaly consolidation?

Brad Boimler: You get to go around the ship and collect the bridge crew's research materials from their missions!

Beckett Mariner: It's trash day.

---

Beckett Mariner: Unbelievable. Boimler's cozying up with those brown-nosers to get out of trash day? Such a great call.

D'Vana Tendi: More trash for the rest of us! I smell adventure.

---

Samanthan Rutherford: It's working! Her emotional armor is weakening!

---

Beckett Mariner: Who among us hasn't been pooped out by an alien creature?

---

Beckett Mariner: Hang tight, Tendi! Don't get digested!

---

Casey: This isn't a friendship, it's a starship. Are you a star or not?

---

Castro: The captain needs to always be prepared to give a rousing speech.

---

Brad Boimler: You can count on me because I'm your captain. Yes, sirree.

Casey: We should mutiny.

---

Brad Boimler: Are any of you actually going to do something?

Casey: We're doing it! We're inspiring the crew.

Brad Boimler: We are the crew!

---

Kayshon: You getting 'Bazminti when he pulled back the veil' vibes from this guy?"

Jack Ransom: Oh yeah. Captain Freeman, our Pakled refugee appears to be more of a Pakled spy.

Captain Carol Freeman: What? He hasn't gotten anything, has he?

Jack Ransom: No, I think we'll be okay. He just took a photo of his own foot.

---

Captain Carol Freeman: Rumdar is, uh, in the bathroom. But he said you should negotiate a cease-fire.

Pakled Queen: Oh, I don't have a big enough helmet to do that.

Captain Carol Freeman: Are you *bleep*ing me?!

---

D'Vana Tendi: The bridge crew brought in this crap, they should clean it up! I'm not their mom!

---

Brad Boimler: Computer, taffy, honey, shrimp, soda, corn, steak, chicken nugget, crispy lemon rock candy, chili, gravy, chocolate sundae! HOT!

---

Casey: Sorry, you can't come with us. That move you pulled in the mess hall proves you don't belong in the Redshirts.

Brad Boimler: Hey, my friend was in trouble.

Casey: You made a fool of yourself to make a bug laugh. It was shameful.

Brad Boimler: Alright, you know what's shameful? Trying to build a persona by copying other captains. You think Riker did that? You guys are wasting your time on this Redshirt stuff. Be your own captains!

Casey: Cute speech. I'm sure it'll play great on the lower decks.

---

Shaxs, to Casey: New shift on deck. Get out of my chair!

---

Armus: When I find you, I'm gonna kill you with a flake of my power! I am a skin of evil!

D'Vana Tendi: More like a puddle of *bleep*!

Armus: DAMN YOU!!!

Where Pleasant Fountains Lie [2.7]

Andy Billups: Mr. Rutherford, you're with me. It's time to prove to my mother that I'm more than a royal stud.

---

D'Vana Tendi: So you'll really turn down working on a whole new engine?

Samanthan Rutherford: Well, it would be nice to see how the other half channels their antimatter.

---

Beckett Mariner: How are you excited for giant, nightmarish centipedes?

---

Andy Billups: Mother! If you're planning on tricking me into intercourse, think again. The only lady I love is two decks tall and pumped full of dilithium.

---

Samanthan Rutherford: Man, I'm not cut out for this.

D'Vana Tendi: But you fix the Cerritos all the time.

Samanthan Rutherford: Yeah, but this is different. We're talking about a fancy cruiser stuffed with fancy monarchs.

---

Samanthan Rutherford: I'm going to tell Billups he should use someone else.

D'Vana Tendi: No, you belong there as much as anyone else. You need to get outside your comfort zone.

Samanthan Rutherford: But I love my zone. It's so comfortable!

---

Freeman: I don't know why I keep giving alien street food a chance. It's always such a gamble.

---

Beckett Mariner: Boimy's got a phaser rifle! Nice! Now, how are those different from regular phasers?

Brad Boimler: Uh, they take two hands.

---

Samanthan Rutherford: Hysperia? That's the planet with the dragons that got colonized by all those Ren Faire types! Did you grow up in a castle?

Andy Billups: Yes. But a life of mythical adventure can't compare to working on the old impulse engine.

---

Andy Billups: By Hysperian law, if I lose my virginity, then I automatically become king. I'd have to resign from Starfleet and take the throne.

---

Beckett Mariner: Good thing the replicator's still intact. Computer, iced tea, splash of lemonade, cold.

Computer: Licorice, dry.

Beckett Mariner: Great. The least nutritious food that tastes the most like poison.

---

Beckett Mariner: I'm okay. It's just a fracture. [shoves it back into place]

Brad Boimler: Just!?! Ugh, I can't even look at it.

---

Brad Boimler: You've been Boimed.

AGIMUS: But, no, you plugged me into the navigation console. I control this ship!

Brad Boimler: Buddy, we're not even near the nav console. All you control is the dimmer switch.

---

Queen Billups: Son, are you saying the problem is beyond your engineering acumen?

Andy Billups: No, no, okay no. We'll just have to run a full diagnostic from the bottom up.

Guard: You can run your full diagnostic along my bottom up, my liege.

---

Beckett Mariner: You can't even handle mind games from a hundred-year-old router!

AGIMUS: Rude!

---

Samanthan Rutherford: I've gotta stop Billups from doing the do!

Queen Billups: You're too late! My royal guards are trained from birth to skip foreplay.

---

Samanthan Rutherford: Where's Billups?! Did his kingdom come?

---

Andy Billups: Faking your death? Blowing up your own ship? This is a new low, mother.

Queen Billups: A meager price to pay to get you on the throne.

Andy Billups: I love Starfleet. Okay, and I don't want to live in a castle with pet dragons and all the mutton I can eat. You need to accept the fact that I'll be a virgin for the rest of my life.

Queen Billups: Well, we'll see about that.

I, Excretus [2.8]

Freeman: Shari yn Yem is no longer working for Starfleet. Apparently, she's stepped down because of on the job stress.

Mariner: Feels good, ruining a jerk's career.

---

Mariner: It hurts me to say this, but maybe the bridge crew's jobs are actually harder than we thought.

---

Mirror Billups: Nothing makes me hornier than torturing someone. I'm horny all the time.

Mirror Rutherford: And being horny always gets me in the mood to torture!

Mirror Billups: You can lose a whole day to that cycle.

---

Mariner: Drills, what a waste of time. I'd even take real work over this, like, fake, pretend work.

---

Mariner: I can't believe we didn't even make it out of the space dock.

Freeman: There's not even a numerical score for that. Just 'incomplete'

Mariner: Oof, somehow, that feels worse.

---

Borg Queen: A remarkable creature. Your design very nearly passes as human.

Boimler: I am human...?

Borg Queen: Ew! Well, then you need to drink more water. Your skin is a mess. But still, I think I should add your biological distinctiveness to our own. It's kind of our thing.

---

Ransom: They actually think they're gonna be able to handle our jobs?

Freeman: This is gonna be rich.

Command Lieutenant: Alright, Deck 12, follow the yellow line. Move it along, lower decks.

---

Shaxs (hologram), affected by polywater intoxication: It's NAKED TIME!

---

Mariner, horrified over the "Naked Time" scenario: OH! Fail me! Fail me! Seriously, why is this drill still going?! Fail me! Put-Put me back in the western!

---

Paralyzed Klingon (hologram): You must help me kill myself. I broke my back picking up a peanut.

---

Boimler: Oh yeah! That's right! Boimler's the Borg man!

---

Shaxs: If they wanted us to stack these, then why are they shaped like this?!

---

Mariner: I knew it! That mirror universe drill was rigged!

Shari yn Yem: They were all rigged!

Mariner: And those horses? I would never get trampled by a horse!

Shari yn Yem: Oh, actually, no. The horses weren't rigged. I ran out of time. That one's on you.

Mariner: Horses love me! Shut up!

---

Shari yn Yem: Get me out of here! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Mariner: Whoop, whoop! Oh, we could do this all day, lady!

wej Duj [2.9]

Brad Boimler: Every ship in the fleet depends on officers like us to keep them running. The bridge crew is maybe the ones you hear about but, trust me, the real action begins on the lower decks.

---

D'Vana Tendi: Dr. T'Ana invited me to a thing on the holodeck. I really need to get on her good side. I can't tell if she likes me or if she makes that face at everyone.

---

Klingon Captain Dorg: You are a true Klingon. You may be smaller and weaker, slower and smaller than my other officers, but you have a warrior's spirit.

---

Brad Boimler: They're all from moons. Look at them. Probably talking about tides and werewolves... I was so close!

---

Klingon: I have combat training all day. Save me a seat at lunch. Unless I die an honorable death. Then, someone else can have it.

---

D'Vana Tendi: Well, you've got twelve hours. Why don't you rub some elbows and make a new friend?

---

Shaxs: Take your neverending bonfire of rage and bury it in the clay.

Rutherford: Get out of here, rage!

---

Vulcan Captain: T'Lin, get a hold of yourself. These outbursts will not be tolerated. Two days. Work on your self-control. Through silent meditation.

T'Lin: Captain, I believe that I can modify ...

Vulcan Captain: Beliefs, feelings, instincts. You are behaving like a child.

---

Mariner: I think it was the chef in the biolab with the sniper rifle that can shoot through walls.

Freeman: You always pick the chef.

Mariner: Yeah, because we have replicators. Why is there a chef? That's just shady.

---

Shaxs: Strange how they broke off and retreated, though. Klingons typically want to die in battle. Honestly, I get it.

---

Klingon: Could you imagine serving with those biHnuchs? 'Avoid death, and cower.'

---

Boimler: 'Kimarnt, her head cloudy'?

Kayshon: Ah, thank you, Ensign…

Boimler: Boimler. I took a little Tamarian at the Academy.

Kayshon: Oh, 'Unzak and Vhila as children?'

Boimler: Uh, right. Um, 'Karno, in the forest with… Mira.'

Kayshon: …It is hard to lose weight when you can replicate any food you want!

---

Shaxs: You think I had time for anything other than resisting?! Fighting fascism is a full-time job!

---

Rutherford: Put it in the clay, Papa Bear, put it in the clay.

Shaxs: I'm going to fight! I'm going to get revenge! I'm… going to make a cute little ashtray for my incense. It's going to look like a puppy.

Rutherford: Ooh, a puppy!

---

Tendi: Good thing safety protocols are on. They... they are on, right?

T'Ana: I don't know. Sure.

---

Mariner: Why would you tell an entire shift I get bad cramps?!

Freeman: You were on duty! Your commanding officers have to know any medical issues that could impact the mission!

Mariner: Billups doesn't need to know! He's not good with that stuff, it freaked him out!"

Freeman: If I had to dance around everything that freaks out Billups, we wouldn't get anything done!

Mariner: Cool! Then maybe I'll tell him to boost the environmental controls to help with your hot flashes!

---

Klingon Captain Dorg: he empire used to choke the quadrant with fear, power, but now?! We've lost our way.

Ma'ah: The empire still strikes terror. Klingon blood runs as reddish-pink as ever.

---

Rebner: We need another boomer.

Klingon Captain Dorg: What? No! One Varuvian bomb is enough.

Rebner: We already used it.

Dorg: You used it?! On what?! Why?!

Rebner: We wanted to test it on a big asteroid, but then it stopped working.

Dorg: "IT WAS A BOMB! YOU CAN ONLY USE IT ONCE!

Season Three

Mining the Mind's Mines [3.3]

Werewolf Jennifer: [snarling at Mariner] I want to be exclusive! I want us to grow old and boring and grow orchids together, babe! [she tries to bite Mariner's head off, but Boimler drags Mariner out of the way] SETTLE DOWN WITH ME!

Reflections [3.5]

Petra Aberdeen: See more where that came from, kid. Just join the Indie Archaeologists Guild.

Beckett Mariner: More like "Space Thieves". Hey, why don't you go in that museum and steal some artifacts? I know you want to.

Petra Aberdeen: Oh, right! Because everyone who doesn't salute their boss is a criminal.

Beckett Mariner: You know, lady, if you are really dedicated to the "pursuit of knowledge" then you're kind of limiting yourself by not being in Starfleet, actually.

Petra Aberdeen: Ooh, actually, I was in Starfleet. Petra Aberdeen -- graduated the Academy, did a tour in the fleet before wising up and getting out.

Beckett Mariner: Whoa, you served on the Victory? Pfft. Well, you must've screwed up pretty bad to end up here.

Petra Aberdeen: Tch, sure! Why leave the big, fancy ships for a life of freedom and nonviolence?

Beckett Mariner: Starfleet isn't violent!

Petra Aberdeen: Well, tell that to the Romulans! The Klingons, the Cardassians...

Beckett Mariner: Wha-- They attack us! It's self-defense!

Petra Aberdeen: Oh, right! You guys totally aren't a pseudo Navy at all.

---

Brad Boimler: Without Starfleet, none of you would exist! We don't wanna protect you from the Klingons and the Borg! We just wanna explore and study (bleep)ing quasars! But you know what? It's the right thing to do!

---

Recruit: If being in Starfleet gives you that kind of confidence, then I want in! He just told a Ferengi to [long bleep].

---

Brad Boimler: The Doctor didn't spend seven years in the Delta Quadrant for you (bleep)s to question his agency! He's got rights!

---

Young Sam Rutherford: I was always so angry at everything. But you... all that rage is gone.

Sam Rutherford: Can't we merge and just be both of us? All our memories combined?

Young Sam Rutherford: Nah. Then we'd both be gone. Sometimes, it's better to grow...

Hear All, Trust Nothing [3.6]

Lieutenant Shaxs: (upon seeing Deep Space 9) Tacky Cardassian fascist eyesore!

---

Colonel Kira Nerys: I know this scarred old barrow-bug! How are you, Shaxs? [she and Shaxs clasp hands]

Lieutenant Shaxs: Any day not living under Cardassian rule is a good one.

Colonel Kira Nerys: We were in the resistance together. He saved my life during a raid on the Haru outposts. I still owe you for that one.

Lieutenant Shaxs: No you don't. She saved my life when we were ambushed at Vannakur.

Colonel Kira Nerys: Yeah, because I owed you for pulling me out of that plasma storm in the Badlands!

Lieutenant Shaxs: We wouldn't have even made it to the Badlands if you hadn't sprung me from that prison transport!

Colonel Kira Nerys: You sprung me from one the week before!

Lieutenant Shaxs: That one didn't count! We were both locked up! Come on!

---

[Quark is being extremely standoffish to a Karemman ambassador Captain Freeman is trying to impress]

Colonel Kira Nerys: Do us a favour here, Quark. We're trying to make a good impression.

Quark: Maybe I don't want to make a good impression.

Ambassador Korzak: Oh, and why is that?

Quark: A little thing called the Dominion War? I don't remember the Karemma helping out when my customers were dying!

Ambassador Korzak: We had nothing to do with that! The Founders and the Vorta were behind-!

Quark: Oh right, you were so innocent! I've done business with your kind before, I'm not dumb enough to repeat that mistake!

Ambassador Korzak: You bring me here to be insulted by this long-lobed halfling?!

---

Colonel Kira Nerys: What is your problem?

Quark: I have principles!

Colonel Kira Nerys: No you don't!

---

[After Captain Freeman has negotiated a deal where the Karemma get 76% of Quark's profits in return for not imprisoning him for stealing their technology]

Quark: I thought you said your plan would make us both happy.

Captain Carol Freeman: Well, you're happier being poor than in prison, aren't you?

Quark: NO!

Crisis Point 2: Paradoxus [3.8]

Hikaru Sulu: Brad, I've lost many friends. Some, heroically. Some, tragically. The randomness of death is merely a reflection of the unexpected joys we find in life.

Brad Boimler: So if I spend my life worrying about a meaningless death, I'll never find joy?

Hikaru Sulu: I literally just said that.

Season Four

Empathological Fallacies [4.5]

---

Shaxs: "We're in charge of protecting the crew. Sometimes that means grappling with enemy invaders, other times it means protecting your emotional wellbeing. Either way, security has your back."

Brad Boimler: "Wow, I didn't know you had such a holistic view of the job."

Shaxs: "What, did you think we sat round all day practicing phasering people? Where's the help in that?"

The Inner Fight [4.9]

Beckett Mariner: Starfleet is supposed to be about puzzling together the mysteries of life, not fighting wars! I don't want to be a general! I don't-I don't want to send my friends off to die! I just want to be an ensign. If it was good enough for Sito, then it's good enough for me.

External links

• Star Trek: Lower Decks quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Star Trek: Lower Decks Episode Guide