Talk:That '70s Show

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Unsorted quotes[edit]

These quotes have been removed from the article because they were not sourced by episode. Sourced quotes may be returned to the article per limitations of two quotes per episode.

Eric Forman[edit]

Donna: All I’m saying is we have to wait for the right time.
Eric: Okay. How about now?
Donna: Um, no.
Eric: Okay. How about now?
Donna: No.
Eric: Okay. Now?
Donna: Yes.
Eric: Really?
Donna: No.
Eric: Stop doing that!

Kitty (to a doctor): Well, it's just that, uh, Mr. Harris is allergic to penicillin and I thought that erythromycin might make him a touch less dead.
Eric (cheerfully): I know that when I go to the hospital, I like to not die!

{In the series finale, Donna has just asked Eric if he's going to go inside to the Formans' New Year's party}
Eric: I need something to take the edge off. [Scene changes to show Eric in the circle] Edge, you are officially off.

Donna: Eric, I love you.
Eric: I love... cake!

[Last words of the series]
Eric: Last one upstairs has to call Red a dumbass!
Michael: Oh, man...

Fez[edit]

Numerous times over the course of the show
Fes: Good day.
Others: But Fez...
Fez: I said good day! (almost always said after ranting to others)

Kelso: But Fez...
Donna: Fez, he said "but Fez". Now you're supposed to say, (with Fez accent)"I said good day!"
Fez: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Dance monkey, dance!
Eric: But Fez...
Fez: I said good day! Damn!

Fez: I'm off to spend my last American money on candy and porno.
Others: But Fez...
Fez: I said candy and porno!

Fez (to Donna and Jackie): So, the two of you do things to please your men. Well, Fez is a man. Will you not please him?

Fez: Hello pretty lady.
Donna: She's not a pretty lady, she's my sister and she's fourteen.
Fez: You know, in my country--
Hyde: It's illegal here.
Fez: Oh, I see.

Fez (While watching Gilligan's Island): Hey, they're finally getting off the island!
Eric: No, Fez, they're not getting off the island.
Fez: But they have a coconut-radio. What could go wrong?

(From Dine And Dash)

Fez: Could you send your best wine to Caroline, and tell her when I said "hi" I meant "I'll take you like a stallion."

Fez: That's okay Eric, maybe sex just isn't your thing.

Kelso: Man me and Jackie are so back in love.
Fez: Yes, but you do not deserve her you son of a bitch.
Kelso: Wait what?
Fez: Uh... I mean good cheese puffs you son of a bitch.

Fez: Anybody wanna see my hickey? [shows off left forearm with hickey]
Eric: Fez, you did that to yourself. It's still wet.
Fez: I don't care what you say. Somebody loves me. [Gang stares back at him] THERE IS! [storms out of basement]

Fez: Hey guys. I think as I was getting beaten, I think I got to second base.

Fez: I disagree....and here's why.

Fez: Congratu-what the hell?

(Fez is in the hospital with appendicitis)
Fez: WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Cheese Puffs out, Pain Pills in.

Steven Hyde[edit]

Hyde: Dating is prostitution, man, only you don't always get what you pay for.

Eric and Laurie are arguing with Kitty why they shouldn't have to go to church
Laurie: And what about Hyde? I mean he doesn't have to go.
Hyde: Well I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic. As well as the Eastern philosophies and of course the teachings of Muhammad. I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

After Donna suggests that Eric should talk about his grief following his Grandmother's death
Hyde: Forman, let's go get wasted.
Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.
Hyde: Your grandma's dead? Oh. Well, Let's go get wasted.

Hyde: Hey, Forman, you have any naked pictures of your grandma?
Eric: No!
Hyde (laughing and handing him his deceased grandfather's box of photos): You do now!

Hyde: Laurie lacks character, Mrs. Forman!
Laurie: Shut up! You are lucky to even live here. You're an orphan!
Hyde: She called me an orphan!
Eric: Hey, he's not an orphan; his mom just abandoned him!
Hyde: Shut up, Forman!

Hyde (talking about Fez in a Million Dollar Man spoof): We can make him cooler, suaver, aloofer.
Eric: Aloofer. Is that even a word?
Hyde: We can make it one. We have the technology.

Hyde: So Forman, ramble on, keep on keeping on, but most of all man, rock on.

Hyde: Remember how you said you were going to juggle them both till it blew up in your face?
Kelso: Yeah.
Hyde: Well Ka-Blooey!

Kelso: Hyde, give me the egg.
Hyde: Ok here catch. (Hyde starts to throw the egg and it goes flying behind him into the wall)
Hyde: Whoops...I mean...Hahahahahaha.

Fez: Eric, I have some incredible news: I have kissed Jaqueline Burkhart.
Hyde: Fez, I have some incredible news too: So has everyone else.

Hyde:(to a man at a garage sale while selling marijuana brownies)Do you now, or have you ever had any association with the Point Place Police Department?
Man: No.
Hyde: Okay, here's your brownie. You have about 30 minutes to get somewhere safe.

Hyde:(after finding out that Kelso is dating Laurie) You're datin' Laurie, man? That's not boldly going where no man's gone before. That's going where every man's gone before.
Kitty: Steven, It's not nice to be so... Honest.
Hyde: (after Kelso and Laurie leave) No offense, Mrs. Forman, but those two would make the dumbest babies ever.

(After Kelso tells Fez and Hyde that he's gonna break up with Laurie)
Hyde: Then you and all the leprechauns can ride unicorns to a wonderful celebration in fairyland.

Jackie Burkhart[edit]

Jackie (to Donna): You know how Fez sometimes rolls his r's? Well...that's what he did in my mouth!

Jackie (Discussing Saturday Night Live): I hate that show. Okay, they have these commercials that you think are real, but they're not real. And then, you wanna buy the stuff!

Jackie: Oh Steven, you're such a bad liar!

Jackie: Bitch!

Donna: Jackie, what the hell is going on between you and Michael?
Jackie: Michael Kelso and I have made beautiful love.
Donna: Ewww! I mean...No, ewww. Why are you being such a doormat?
Jackie Look, I have to be nice. Look, what if he gets bored now?
Donna: Bored? Jackie, he's gonna wanna do it again.
Jackie So, what you're saying is I'm totally in charge.
Donna: Well, I mean a partner--
Jackie: No, no, no, I own him!
Donna: Well, Jackie I--
Jackie No, no. Thank you Donna.

Jackie When Michael and I were apart, he realized how much he missed me. I'm telling you, Donna, breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did.
Donna: I thought you said that getting a pedicure was the best thing you ever did.
Jackie That was last week, Donna.

Jackie I'm a thief!
Hyde: I think technically you're an accessory.
Eric: Which should make you happy, 'cause you love accessories.

Jackie Oh, God, Michael, in that dress, you are way prettier than Bowie!
Kelso: Hell, I'm prettier than you!
Jackie That's not funny, Michael.

Michael Kelso[edit]

Hyde: Kelso, what are you doing, man? You trying to make me look bad?
Kelso: No, I'm not doing anything.
Hyde: Well, whatever you are doing, you shouldn't go up against me 'cause you're not going to win.
Kelso: Well, I'm not doing anything and I am going to win.
Hyde: No, you're going to lose.
Kelso: How can I lose if I'm not doing anything?
Hyde: How can you win if you're not doing anything?
Kelso: Well, if I win, I'll admit that I'm doing something.

Kelso: You know what your problem is? I'm too good looking.

Kelso: I've got an idea.....Do you have a bowling ball?

Hyde: Moron! Every day you say you're breaking up with her!
Kelso: Well, you guys don't know her like I do! [Realizes he has a large purple hickey. He covers it up.[ I mean, it's not just about fooling around! She buys me stuff!
Hyde: She hoovered your chest, man!

Hyde: Man when I said be a man, I did not say be a wuss.
Fez: I am ashamed to know you.
Kelso: Alright hands up here who is gettin some...[Kelso raises hand] You can't judge me...ha!

Kelso: God Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement!

Kelso: Why would you just cuddle with her, when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is “it." That’s why they call "it" "it"! "IT"!!

Kelso: The only thing better than eating lobster is eating lobster and hauling ass. So let's haul ass!
Donna: Kelso, it's wrong!
Kelso: Wrong, or hilarious??
Eric: Wrong, you dillhole!
Hyde: Or is it hilariously wrong?

Hyde: You're gonna lose because I'm gonna get Jackie.
Kelso: Well if by "lose" you mean "win" then you're right! I am gonna lose!

Kelso: There's a rabbit stuck in a tree, and I want to return that rabbit to the wild so it can lay its eggs.
Red: Kelso, rabbits don't...how did a rabbit get up a tree in the first place?
Kelso: Eric threw it up there. He's a sadistic bastard. Did you know he hit a cow?

Kelso: [narrating his Career Day essay] Autumn is harvest time for the farmer. At dawn, my dad and I were out in the field picking carrots fresh off the trees.
Hyde: Kelso, carrots don't... Yeah, that's good. Put that.

Kelso (talking to Red, holding a huge bottle rocket): Can I light this off in your house?
Red: Yeah, and then I'll light my foot off in your ass.

Kelso (gesturing to himself): Now this; this is what's called man-pretty.

Kelso: Just for once, I want the right thing and the topless thing to be the same thing.

[From Red and Stacey. After Eric tells Kelso, Donna, and Hyde that Stacey likes Red]
Kelso: You're gonna have to leave town.
Eric: Why?
Kelso: Obviously, we're gonna tell everyone!

Kelso (In response to Red installing a smoke detector in the basement): "does that detect any kind of smoke?"

Kelso: I'm gonna go back to coasting through life on my good looks, but my brains will always be there so whenever I need them I can just whip them out and use them as a secret emergency rocket pack!

Kelso (While wearing shorts in January): Ever seen prettier legs on a fella?

Jackie: "Do you know what it's like to be the prettiest girl at a party?
Kelso: Yes, I do!

Kelso: Y'know, it makes sense that Fez is with Jackie now. She started with me, the Ferrari; then she went to Hyde, the Mustang; and now she's with Fez, who's like a donkey pulling a cart full of brightly colored blankets.

Kelso:What's the point of being a girl if you don't have your own boobs to play with?

Kelso: Hey lets have a party, we need booze, ballons and girls with no self esteem.

Kelso: You have a right to remain BURN!

Kelso: Well DAMMN JACKIE!!

Angie: Why is it that every time I leave the room you people do this? (she means "The Circle")
Kelso: It's Thanksgiving. Some people bake pies, we bake ourselves.

Kitty Forman[edit]

Kitty: Oh Red, that is so good! Oh, uh, right there, uh, oh, that hasn’t been touched in years!
(Seems sexual at first, but we see that she's daydreaming that Red is dusting.)

Kitty: All right, all right. Now. You listen up. I have had an extremely stressful day. And I am not proud of what I'm about to say, but someone give me a cigarette. Now!
Eric (innocently): But mom, we don't smoke.
Kitty: Cut the crap, Eric! I am a nurse. I know that one in five teenagers smoke. (Pointing at them) ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! Now. I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these two fingers! Come on people, hop to!
(She closes her eyes and someone's hand puts a cigarette in her hand.)
Kitty: Thank you. Light!
(5 hands flick 5 lighters in front her.)

(Red attempts to fix the table leg during dinner)
Kitty: Honey, honey, we’re eating, we’re eating.
Eric: Yeah, just put a sugar packet under it.
Red: Sugar packet? That’s what’s wrong with this country Eric. Nobody wants to roll up their sleeves and work. They’re all looking for their sugar packet solution. Well, not me. I’m getting a saw!
Eric: Mom, has dad gone crazy?
Kitty: I’m afraid so, dear.

Kitty: Good news, Red. I just took Cosmo’s ten ways to please your man in bed test, and I got nine out of ten! But I didn’t get number three because I’m a nurse and number three is icky.

Kitty: You don’t spend nearly enough time with your father.
Eric: That’s because he doesn’t like me.
Kitty: Yes, he does like you. And that’s no excuse.

Kitty: Eric, you've hardly touched your breakfast.
Eric: That's because I don't know what it is.
Kitty: Well, it's just eggs and hash and some...surprises!
Eric: Mom, why aren't you eating it?
Kitty: Well, I've just...I have never been a breakfast person!
Hyde: Is this rabbit?
Kitty: No.
Laurie: Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
Kitty: Laurie, it is not dog food, and God, I hope so.
Hyde: I know..it's tongue!

Kitty (to Jackie, regarding Red's obsession with the Corvette): Wheels are like bosoms to men. And a car has four.

Kitty (To Hyde, after buying him a absurdly loud jacket): Oh, come on. It says "Stuntman" on it. People will think you're from Hollywood!

Red Forman[edit]

Red: The world is a tough place. You drop your guard for one second, and they’ll kick you right in the ass!
Kitty: Well, you’re right. Red, the world is hard, so, wouldn’t it be nice if Eric came home to a place that wasn’t?
Red: Fine, Kitty, when you win the lottery, you can buy him Disneyland.

Kitty: I know you’re seventeen and we can’t stop you from doing what you wanna do...
Red: Yes we can.

Red: Listen, while you're here, why don't you shine this flashlight on that um, carburetor there.
Jackie: Like this? [The whole hood of the car is filled with light]
Red: My God! One of you's not useless!

Kitty: There are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Red: Kitty, I've got two stages. Anger, and drinking.

Red: Okay, everybody knows that today is my last day at work...last day that the plant is open. So, just to tell you all, that everything is going to be great. So... great.
Laurie: Daddy, that is such good news! Can I have $20?
Kitty: You get in the basement!

Eric: You know, I could probably use some gas money.
Red: Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops.

[After Eric has dropped a bowling ball on the couch and broken the TV]
Red: Why would you drop a bowling ball onto the couch? What good could come of it?

Red: Dumbass! If you ever do that again, I'll kick your ass so hard your nose will bleed!!

Red: You morons just put vacancy signs on your asses and my foot is looking for a room.

Red: Sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.

Eric: So what's this job pay?
Red: It pays my foot not kicking your ass.
Eric: Ok, so it's on credit then!

Kitty: So, hows it going?
Red: Real good. The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.

Laurie Forman[edit]

Laurie: Mom, Crazy Helen from across the street is switching price tags and Dad says he's gonna kick her in the keister.
Kitty: Oh, no. He'll do it, too.