The Office (season 9)

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The following is a list of quotes from the ninth season The Office.

New Guys [9.1][edit]

Andy: Why is Nellie still here?
Toby: You can only fire Nellie for cause.
Andy: Then I will make up a cause.
Toby: Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now, if she sues, I have to testify against you.
Andy: Then forget I just told you that.
Toby: I can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. Sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean?
Andy: Now I know why Michael hated you so much.
Toby: No, he didn't.

Creed: In the parking lot today, there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high wire. A lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator. A strongman crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company.

Andy's Ancestry [9.3][edit]

Darryl: Seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets.

Work Bus [9.4][edit]

Jim: Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so...
Kevin: At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now. [looking at map] The pie shop is 13 miles away. So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us five minutes to spare.
Angela: So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head?
Oscar: Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies?
Kevin: 314 pies.
Oscar: What if it were salads?
Kevin: Well, it's the... carry the 4... it doesn't work.

Here Comes Treble [9.5][edit]

Erin: The more I here about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.

The Boat [9.6][edit]

Oscar: I have to say I'm impressed with Kevin. He showed a lot of self-control.
[cut to Kevin in interview]
Kevin: I totally forgot about the affair for a minute. [laughs] Oscar is having sex with the senator and Angela doesn't even know. [laughing still] Her life is a complete sham!

Lice [9.10][edit]

Meredith: Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pinkeye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars. And yeah, I BMed in the shredder on New Year's. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam.

Dwight: [locked inside Andy's office] Attention, people of the office. You have exactly sixty seconds to evacuate the bullpen. At that time, [pulls pin from grenade] I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide as well as...
[Drops grenade, which goes off, filling office with gas]
Erin: Dwight, are you okay?!
Dwight: Whoa. That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple...
[Dwight faints]
Erin: Wow. He got to purple.

A.A.R.M. [9.23][edit]

Jim: You watched it?
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [handing her an envelope] Then I guess you're ready for this.
Pam: What's that?
Jim: It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the note and is truly touched] Not "enough" for me? You are everything.

Dwight: [through a megaphone] Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!
Angela: Can you put that down?
Dwight: This expresses how loudly I love you!
Angela: It's too loud.
[Dwight puts the megaphone down, gets on one knee, and pulls out a ring]
Dwight: This is a ring taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites.
Angela: Okay. Yes. Yes, I will! [They embrace and kiss] I love you. And I lied to you.
Dwight: What?
Angela: Phillip's your son.
Dwight: What? Why would you say...
Angela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me.
Dwight: Get out! I'm a dad!
Angela: You're a dad!

Finale [9.24][edit]

Dwight: I can't believe you came.
Michael: That's what she said.

Andy: The weird thing is now I'm exactly where I want to be. I've got my dream job at Cornell, and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in "the good old days", before you've actually left them. Someone should write a song about that.

Creed: It all seems so very arbitrary. I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring. I took a desk at the back because it was empty. But, no matter how you get there or where you end up, human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home. (Camera zooms out to show Creed in handcuffs, escorted by two police officers) Let's do this.

[The series' last lines]
Jim: I sold paper at this company for twelve years. My job was to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and types of copier paper. Even if I didn't love every minute of it, everything I have, I owe to this job. This stupid...wonderful...boring...amazing job.
Pam: I thought it was weird when you picked us to make a documentary. But all in all, I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin was a great subject for a documentary. There's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn't that kind of the point?