The Pink Panther: Passport to Peril

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The Pink Panther: Passport to Peril is an adventure computer game (released on October 31, 1996) that teaches children about six countries with the Pink Panther. The countries Pink visits are: England, Egypt, China, Bhutan, India and Australia. In this game, The Pink Panther is a secret agent employed by Inspector Clouseau to protect Camp Chilly Wa-Wa, a summer camp for gifted children, from the Dogfather and his dastardly plans.


[the Pink Panther arrives at the office of his employer, Inspector Clouseau]
Inspector Clouseau: Thank you for coming. It's a very important assignment. [Pink Panther nods] I called my most important panther. [Pink nods again] Would you like an important beverage? [Pink nods a third time; Clouseau presses a button on his remote and several food items appear from a secret compartment in his desk; he whips up a chocolate milkshake a gives it to Pink, who swallows the glass whole] I won't lie to you, Panther. This mission could involve... danger.
The Pink Panther: Dangerous danger?
Clouseau: Quite possibly. There's no glow in this mission, Panther. The work will require... work. The hours will each be at least an hour long. The nights will be... dark.
Pink Panther: I'm not afraid of the dark, Inspector. I thought you knew that.
Clouseau: You'll be dealing with some the most influential individuals in politics and world affairs. None of them over eleven.
Pink: What was that last part?
Clouseau: They are young, very young. [turns on a screen to reveal several children] They are children, but not just any children. Some are the sons and daughters of diplomats and prime ministers. Others are political activists, environmentalists, humanitarians, or simply very, very cute. But they all share one thing in common.
Pink: Yeah? What's that?
Clouseau: There are smart, very, very, smart.
Pink: You don't say.
Clouseau: I believe the children are the future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Pink: What a unique perspective.
Clouseau: These children are at high risk for acts of terrorism. Your mission is to watch over them, protect them, see them home safely.
Pink: Babysit.
Clouseau: Baby nothing! This is as much about foreign relations as it is summer camp!
Pink: Summer camp? You're sending me to a summer camp?!
Clouseau: Not just any summer camp, you insidious gargoyle! Camp Chilly Wa-Wa! [changes the screen to show the summer camp]
Pink: Chilly Who-Wa?
Pigeon: Wa-Wa! Wa-Wa!
Pink: Don't get so upset, Inspector.
Clouseau: If anything goes wrong, if the children are the least bit unhappy...
Pink: Their influential parents will go nutso.
Clouseau: Their countries will be outraged.
Pink: World peace down the drain.
Pigeon: Oh, it could fuel the next World War for cryin' out loud!
Clouseau: There's not a moment to waste. The children arrive in Chilly Wa-Wa today. They have each been given a private jet for transport.
Pink: Well, point me to my jet, and I'm outta here.
Clouseau: Small problem: we have run out of jets.
Pink: No biggie. I'm pretty resourceful cat. Just tell me where the place is. I'll find my own way there.
Clouseau: I'm afraid the location is top secret. No one is to know where Chilly Wa-Wa lies. Not even you.
Pink: I see. So, how would you propose I get there?
Clouseau: I'll have to magically zap you.
Pink: Magically zap me?! Oh, no way! I hate that! Look, last time, it took me, like, three days to recuperate. My fur was all dried-out, I had cotton-mouth. I can't stand being magically zapped. I won't do it! I can't!
Clouseau: I just need to make sure there's enough distance between us.
Pink: You owe me for this. You owe me big time.
Clouseau: Oui, oui, oui. [pulls out a ray gun and backs up, slipping on a banana peel that was left over from the milkshake, causing him to crash through the window] Le AAAAAAUUUUUUUHHHH!!! [zaps Pink and the pigeon to Camp Chilly Wa-Wa]

[Pink is fishing as he talks to Nigel, one of the children attending Chilly Wa-Wa]
Pink: Oh, hello. What's your name?
Nigel: My name is Nigel. I'm from England. I'm a pacifist. P-A-C-I-F-I-S-T. I am very T-I-D-Y, and love everything with R-E-S-P-E-C-T. This is my first time at camp. No roughhousing, please.
Pink: You like fishing?
Nigel: Does it kill the fish?
Pink: We won't kill them. We'll throw'em back.
Nigel: But it must hurt a little if you snag'em on the hook.
Pink: I suppose it hurts a little, but just a drop. Like a teeny-tiny, eenie-weenie little pinch.
[a fish angrily jumps out of the water holding Pink's hook]
Fish: Ow, ow, ow! That hurts! What did I ever do to you?!
Nigel: Eenie-weenie, eh?!
Pink: [to the fish] I'm sorry.
Fish: How would you like it if I hooked one of them things around the roof of your mouth, buddy?! [jumps back into the water]
Pink: I'll never fish again.
Nigel: Then mend your ways, warmonger! Deliver your stick of doom into my hands, and I will see that no one is hurt by its E-V-I-L again!
Pink: "Stick of doom?"
Nigel: The fishing rod!
Pink: Oh, of course. [hands the fishing rod to Nigel]

[Pink and Von Schmarty find Nigel in a terrible mood]
Pink: Nigel? What's got you so upset?
Pink: Aw, you couldn't possible be--
Pink: [imitates a game show host] Close enough. Your next word is "hyperbole."
Nigel: Hyperbole! H-Y-P-E, uh... bully! Hyperbole! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE YOU!

Von Schmarty: What do you think is wrong with him?
Pink: Well, his spelling seems a little skittish for one.
Von Schmarty: But Pink...
Nigel: I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I wanna go--
Pink: Home?
Nigel: That's right!

Von Schmarty: We must do something! The Better Camping Bureau will shut us down! He wants to go home!
Pink: If you can't bring Mohammad to the mountain...
Von Schmarty: Can't we worry about Mohammad after we've taken care of Nigel?!
Pink: I'll hot-foot it over to England and snatch up a few of his favorite things from home. Nigel will be happy as a clam.
Clam: I hate it here! I wanna go home!

Indrani: I don't like it here! I wanna go home! I don't like children from other countries!
Pink: Indrani, is there anything I can do that can help you feel better?
Indrani: Come a little closer. [sprays Pink with a water gun] Ha-ha! I guess I feel better now, sucker! [speeds away in a motorboat]
Pink: She's changed.

[Pink is in a pub in England]
Pink: Don't you have any football over here?
Customer: 'Course, we do! [the bartender changes the pub's TV channel to a soccer game]
Pink: Excuse me? That's not football.
Customer: It's a ballgame played with your foots. Football!
Pink: That game is not called football!
Customer: Right, then what is it?!
Pink: Soccer! Soccer!
[believing Pink said "Sock her!", the customer punches the bartender in the face, causing her to punch him back]
Pink: Oh, brother.

Pink: What you got there?
Kid: Bangers and mash!
Pink: Bangers and mash?
Bartender: It's that we call sausage and mashed potatoes.
Pink: Oh, I see.

[Pink comes up to Jackson, the butler of Nigel's family]
Pink: Aren't you Jackson?
Jackson: Indeed, I am, sir. My full name is Michael Calbert Jackson, but please, don't ask me to do Billy Jean.
Pink: I wouldn't. I am partial to... Beat It myself.
Jackson: Who's next?
Pink: I am.
Jackson: You play darts?
Pink: You watch and see if I don't.
[Jackson gives Pink a dart and a blindfold; Pink puts on the blindfold and throws the dart, causing to ricochet around the pub until it hits a photo]
Jackson: Not bad, old boy. However, if you just...
Pink: Thanks, Jackson. Does Nigel like darts, too?
Jackson: Nigel? How do you know Nigel?
Pink: I'm a friend of his from Camp Chilly Wa-Wa.
Jackson: Is something wrong with Master Nigel? He hasn't been hurt, has he?
Pink: No, nothing like that. I just thought I'd bring a little something from England. He's a bit homesick.
Jackson: Homesick?!
Pink: Can you think of anything he might want?
Jackson: Well, his... Guy, I suppose.
Pink: His Guy?
Jackson: His Guy Fawkes toy.

[after the "Guy Fawkes" song]
Pink: And your point is...
Jackson: "Remember, remember, the 5th of November!" On that day, children burn a likeness of Guy Fawkes.
Pink: And you're telling me this because...
Jackson: Nigel's Guy Fawkes! He never can bring himself to properly burn it. It's a bit signed around the edges, maybe, but that's it. Actually, he's rather fond of it. I think he keeps it hidden because he's embarrassed.
Pink: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. I'll deliver his Guy to him safely. Where does he keep it?
Jackson: I told you, I think he keeps it hidden because of his embarrassment thing.
Pink: Hidden?
Jackson: Hidden!
Pink: You must have some idea of where I could look.
Jackson: His family's country recede, I suppose. You could search there.
Pink: Will you take me?
Jackson: For Master Nigel, I'll do anything.

[a disguised Pink comes to the mansion of Sir Manly, Nigel's father]
Pink: My goodness! Manly, is that you?
Sir Manly: I'm sorry?
Pink: How long has it been, Manly? I was just riding past your lovely house and I thought I'd say hello.
Manly: Very good of you to pop in, er...
Pink: Pinkford.
Manly: Pinkford?
Pink: Pinkford Pinkington, but you can just call me...
Manly: Pink?
Pink: You remembered!
Manly: [sits down] Join me for a dish of tea, Pink?
Pink: [sits down] Why, I couldn't decline if I said no.
[they both chuckle; Sir Manly rings a bell and Jackson arrives with tea]
Jackson: Good afternoon, sir. I've brought your tea. [to Pink] Would you like a spot?
Pink: A spot and a half. I'm quite thirsty.
Jackson: One lump or two, Lord Pinkington?
Pink: Uh, no lump is fine.
Manly: No lump? A piece of lemon, then. Or some milk.
Pink: I take my tea just plain brown, thanks.
Manly: Brown?
Pink: Your tea is brown, isn't it?
Jackson: It's an Earl Grey today, Your Lordship.
Pink: I suppose gray will do. Poor it up, my good man!
[Jackson pours the tea into two cups and gives them to Pink and Manly]
Jackson: [to Manly] Your afternoon post, sir.
Manly: Leave it on my desk, Jackson. That will be all.
[Jackson drops the mail off on Manly's desk and takes the tea tray away.
Manly: We were at the meet this morning, Pinkford?
Fox: What some people call recreation! Sheesh! I can find a better way to spend my afternoon than chasing one of them around! [runs off]
Pink: Uh, no, I'm a vegetarian.
Manly: Yes, well I have to get back. It's still going on. Slippery little bugger. Will you dine with us tonight?
Pink: I'd be delighted.
Manly: Brilliant! Loosen your belt, old friend. I think if I heard cook right, we're having roast beef in Yorkshire.
Pink: Splendid! Consider my belt loosened! [loosens his belt, causing his pants to fall]
Manly: I really most go. [walks away]

[Pink arrives at Giza after finding out from Von Schmarty that Chione, the Egyptian attendant of Camp Chilly Wa-Wa, had escaped camp via air-board]
Mouth: 'Ahlan wasahlan! Welcome to Egypt! See the view of the Pyramids, one of the Seven Wonders of the World, you know!
Pink: I need to find the Mouth of the Nile.
Mouth: Lucy will tell you that's me! Get your camels here! The only way to get aways! Sand too hot to walk, my friend! Try a four-legged companion! I'm crazy! I'm the Mouth of the Nile and I will make a nice deal for you! Today only.
Pink: That's very funny. I'm looking for a girl.
Mouth: Aren't we all, my friend? Aren't we all? Bring her a souvenir, she will never forget you. How about this one? [pulls out a t-shirt] "My panther went to Egypt and all he brought me was this crummy t-shirt!"

Pink: Could I borrow one of your camels? I need to get to the banks of the Nile.
Mouth: Not for nothing, you can't! The camel ride will cost you! I'm a businessman. I live to sell. I sell to live. I have a three-legged pony to provide for. And I haven't even had lunch today. I'm crazy!
Pink: Well, fine. I'll just find my own way there.

Pink: Mouth, I really need help finding this little girl I'm looking for. I have got to get to the banks of the Nile!
Mouth: I'll help you.
Pink: Oh, what a relief! Thanks.
Mouth: All you have to do is feed me! I'm starved!

[Pink approaches a lamp vendor in Cairo]
Pink: This may sound like a silly question, but...
Lamp Vendor: Do I have a magic lamp? You just saw Aladdin and your looking for you very own genie, complete with a name voice talent! Welcome to reality! There's no three wishes, there's no Robbie Williams, just plain brass pot and hot sun. What can I get you?
Pink: Uh, nothing. Thanks.
Genie: Cynic!

[Pink approaches Chione's parents]
Chione's Mother: Should we send Chione a little care package? Maybe a piece of jewelry.
Chione's Father: The director of Camp Filly Cha-Cha asked us not to send anything other than letters.
Chione's Mother: We could send it in a letter.
Pink: Your daughter is away at camp?]
Chione's Mother: Yeah, she's away. Thank goodness. She is a handful.
Chione's Father: She's two handfuls.
Chione's Mother: Always boating to her farming village in Upper Egypt no matter how many times I ask her not to bother people working. It's the saki she loves. Always begging to drive the ox.
Chione's Father: It's no way for a little girl to behave.
Pink: Have you heard from her? I mean, is she enjoying herself at camp?
Chione's Mother: We expect to hear from her today.
Pink: I see. Well, uh, best of luck. I hope she's having fun.