The Three Stooges (film)
The Three Stooges is a 2012 slapstick comedy film based on the early to mid-20th century shorts by the comedic trio The Three Stooges. The movie stars Chris Diamantopoulus, Sean Hayes, and Will Sasso, recreating the eponymous characters played by Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard. The film's story places the Stooges in a modern setting.
- [points at Snooki's Guiness beer hat] Just 'cause she's wearing a "Genius" hat, doesn't mean she is one.
Ep. 1: More Orphan Than Not
- Young Moe: Anesthetic!
- Young Larry: Anesthetic!
- Young Curly: Anesthetic!
- Young Moe: Give her 15 milligrams of anesthetic.
- Young Curly: Right.
- [counts off on a croquet mallet]
- Young Curly: 5, 10, 15!
- [conks Sister Mary Mengele out]
- Moe: He's got a headache.
- Larry: No I don't.
- Moe: [bonks Larry on the head with a hammer] How about now?
- Larry: [holding his head] Yeah, it's coming on.
- Larry: Hey, quit horsing around you two. You're disturbing my coffee break.
- Curly: Oh boy, donuts. Where's mine?
- Moe: They're small. Why don't you have two?
- Curly: Okay. [chatters as Moe shoves donuts up his ears] Oh, now look what you did, Moe. You got donuts stuck in my ears!
- Larry: Hey, you're in luck. You got a donut remover right here.
- Moe: What's a donut remover?
- Larry: It's one of these.
- [reads the tag on the bell which says "Do not remove" ironically]
- Larry: "Doh-nut Remove-uh."
- Moe: What are the odds of that?
- Moe: Mind your p's and q's.
- Curly: Don't forget to dot the i's.
- Moe: Certainly. [pokes Curly in the eyes]
- Larry: What's it gonna take to save this place?
- Monsignor Ratliffe: A lot of this. [rubs fingers together]
- Larry: Oh! Well, that's do able. How many boogers are we taking about?
- Monsignor Ratliffe: Not boogers! Dollars, you morons! 830,000 of them, to be exact.
- Murph: Who won the poker game last night?
- Moe: Eh, Peezer cleaned us out.
- Murph: Peezer? But he's 7.
- Larry: Yeah, but he wears those dark sunglasses. You can't tell what he's thinking.
- Larry: [the orphanage's bell falls off the roof and hits a nun on the head below] Uh-oh, is that Sister Mary-Mengele?
- Curly: I don't know, but the face rings a bell.
- Moe: Remind me to gouge out your eyeballs later.
Ep. 2: The Bananas Split
- Teddy: Do you guys use Facebook? I'll poke you.
- Moe: What is that gadget?
- Teddy: This is an iPhone.
- Curly: An iPhone? (Can I see it?) [takes the phone and holds it up to his eye] Hello, hello!? [hands the phone back] There's nobody there.
- Teddy: Works better on your ear.
- Larry: $830,000. First taker gets a 3-man workin' machine. It's all spelled out in this here contract, folks!
- Moe: That's right! No job is too small! We'll press your pants! We'll shine your shoes.
- Curly: We'll raid your fridge and drink your booze. [chuckles before Moe smacks him upside the head]
- Moe: What's a matter with you? Quit givin' away the fine print!
- Larry: Hey, what's the big idea? [gets backhanded by Moe]
- Moe: Shut up! Now smarten up you two. Have you forgotten?
- Moe: Hiya, Snook. I got you a present.
- Snooki: Really, for me?
- Moe: Yeah. Go on, open it.
- Snooki: [opens the box, Moe pokes her in the eyes] Ow!
- Head Nurse: Can't you read? "Visiting hours are over."
- Curly: Even for family?
- Head Nurse: Are you family?
- Curly: Soitainly.
- Head Nurse: Oh yeah? What's your relation?
- Curly: His mother and my mother were both mothers.
- Head Nurse: You heard me. No more visitors.
- Larry: I got a better question - why didn't we go live with Teddy when we had the chance? Now we got no Teddy, no seed money, no nothing.
- Curly: Yeah, shame on you, Moe. You put your pride ahead of them kids.
- Moe: How dare you accuse me of having pride!
- Curly: Hmm-mmph!
- Moe: Back off.
- Curly: I won't.
Ep. 3/Final Episode: No Moe Mr. Nice Guy
- Lydia: Those 3 idiots are here!
- Mac: The Kardashian girls? Where are they?
[Everyone is panicking as water is flooding into the car]
- Mac: Great, just great!!! How can things get any worse!?!
[Large bubbles form around Curly and everyone gags at the smell]
- Curly: I’m sorry, but the pesto-bismol didn’t work with the lobster.
- Moe: [Grabbing Curly by the ears] Did you eat the shells again!?!
- Curly: [Frightened] I dunno! First, it was there!! And then there wasn’t!!!
- Moe: Wait, that's it! Anybody got a lighter?!
- Larry: No, [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small match packet] but I do have these "easy-light, waterproof safety matches".
[Moe bonks Larry in the head before grabbing the matches.]
- Moe: [To Larry] Gimme those! Alright, everybody cover your eyes!
[Moe ignites a match on Curly’s nose and causes an explosion]
- Jane Lynch as Mother Superior
- Larry David as Sister Mary-Mengele
- Brian Doyle-Murray as Monsignor Ratliffe
- Sofía Vergara as Lydia
- Jennifer Hudson as Sister Rosemary
- Lin Shaye as Nursery Nurse
- Caitlin Colford as Nun
- Stephen Collins as Mr. Harter
- Carly Craig as Mrs. Harter
- Craig Bierko as Mac
- Kirby Heyborne as Theodore J. "Teddy" Harter (Ling's husband and the adoptive father of Murph, Peezer & Weezer)
- Isaih Mustafa as Moe's Hip Executive
- Kate Upton as Sister Bernice
- Justin Lopez as Peter
- Antonio Sabàto, Jr. as Bobby
- Dwight Howard, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Jennifer "JWoww" Farley, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Paul "Pauly D" DelVecchio and Samantha "Sweetheart" Giancola as themselves