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Formerly User:Dave1989

My Favourite Quotes And Dialogs[edit]

Mr Collier:

From Little Britain[edit]


Vicky Pollard[edit]

Mr Collier: Vicky, it’s been two weeks now and I still haven’t received your essay on Lord Kitchener.

Vicky: No because what happened was was I was going round Karl’s but then this whole fing happened because Shelley Todd who’s a bitch anyway has been completely going around saying that Destiny stole money out of Rochelle’s purse but I ain’t never not even spoken to Rochelle ‘cause she flicked ash into Michaela’s hair.

Mr Collier: Vicky, I’m not interested in that. I’m more interested in your coursework.

Vicky: No because what happened was was this whole fing happened what I don’t even know nuffin about because Ashley Cramer has been going around saying that Samantha’s brother smells of mud but anyway shut up I ain’t never even stole no car so shut up.

Mr Collier: Vicky, have you even started this essay?

Vicky: No but yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah no but yeah but no because I’m not even going on the pill because Nadine reckons they stop you from getting pregnant.

Mr Collier: You know if I don’t get the essay by the end of this week I’m going to have to fail you?

Vicky: Yeah but Louise Farren emptied a whole bottle of Fanta into Shannon’s bag but anyway Luke reckons he fingered Emma Bateman in the language lab.

Mr Collier: Vicky, do you want to pass your GCSE?

Vicky: GSC what? Don’t go giving me evils.

[Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind]
Teacher: Vicky...your baby.

Vicky Pollard: Uh? Oh no, you can keep it. I've got loads more at home anyway.

Lou and Andy[edit]

Lou:[looking up into the tree where Andy is sitting] Andy, how did you get up there?

Andy:I fell.

Lou:[Andy has just rolled all over his freshly-cemented patio that Lou has just done] Who did this?

Andy:A bird.

Lou: Are you sure this is the card you wanna send Declan for his birthday?
Andy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[After buying the card]
Andy: It's his birthday, it's not his bloody funeral!

Marjorie Dawes[edit]

And last but not least, Meera!


Marjorie Dawes:What? Sorry?


Marjorie Dawes:Do it again?

Meera:Oh, forget it.

Marjorie Dawes:Can't understand her, can you? Anyway, I think the most important thing you can do, is get a bit of exercise! Yeah?


Old Ma Evans lodger: Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay.

Daffyd: No, you are not a gay, I am gay. You're probably just a little bit poofy!

Daffyd: Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am...
[deep breath]

Father: Asthmatic?

Daffyd: No! I am.... a gay! Oh!

Mother: Very nice.

Father: Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.

Daffyd: So you don't mind?

Father: No.

Daffyd: So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?

Mother: Eh? Oh, no. To be honest darling, we did have an inkling.
[washes Daffyd's gay clothes]

Father: So do you have a boyfriend then?

Daffyd: No.

Mother: Have you not had any arse action at all?

Daffyd: No, but I have been thinking about it which may shock you!

Mother: Well I must set you up with someone then.

Daffyd: That might be difficult as I am the only gay in the village.

Father: What about that young boy from the village, the blacksmith, he takes it up the chuff.

Daffyd: No thank you!

Mother: I know who's mad for cock! That boy, what's his name, Gay Aled!

Daffyd: Gay Aled is not gay!

Father: Your Uncle's had him. Apparently he's very into water sports!

Daffyd: Anyway, I was hoping we could invite the family over on Sunday and tell them, it's time they knew.

Mother: I don't think this Sunday's gonna be very good, your uncle's in San Fransico.

Daffyd: What about Aunty Sinead?

Mother: Oh no, she just stays in on a Sunday and eats minge.


[At a bowling alley]

Dr Lawrence: [to Dr Beagrie] Of an evening, when it's still light, we encourage Anne to leave the hospital and work here. Watch this.

Anne: [On the phone] No, it's very very quiet today. [noticing the doctors] Oh, call you back later.

Dr Lawrence: Hello Anne.

Anne:: Eh eh ehhhhh!

[Emily and Florence arrive at the tennis courts for mixed doubles.]

Tennis player: Ah, we were expecting two ladies.

Florence: [turns to leave] Oh, sorry.

Emily: Yes, we are two ladies! [whispers to Florence] Florence, do as I do and watch how they don't suspect a thing. [Calling out] Ready, gentlemen!

Tennis player: Well, have you got any balls?

Emily: Oh no, we are ladies.

Tennis player: Tennis balls...

Emily: Oh sorry, silly me, I thought you meant bollocks.

Mr Hutton: Mrs DeVere! Sorry, Mrs DeVere

Bubbles DeVere: Call me Bubbles, everybody does!

Mr Hutton: Can I have a word?

Bubbles DeVere: Do you mind if we walk and talk, darling? I have an algae wrap at three.

Mr Hutton: Yeah it's really about this payment situation. You have been with us for five months now and we still haven't received anything.

Bubbles DeVere: That's terrible, terrible darling! It's outrageous! Has my husband still not sent the cheque?

Mr Hutton: No I'm afraid not, we can't seem to track him down.

Bubbles DeVere: Have you tried him on the Monte Carlo number, darling?

Mr Hutton: No, I don't have it.

Bubbles DeVere: Have you got a pen, darling?

Mr Hutton: Yeah. [pulls out pen and paper]

Bubbles DeVere: The number is 12...345..67..89. OK, darling? [begins to run away]

[both walk into room where a lady is getting a facial]

Bubbles DeVere: Hello Gita! My turn now darling! [pushes lady off bed]

Gita: No Miss Bubble, you next door!

Bubbles DeVere: Sorry darling! See you at dinner! [Points to Gita] Never, never, never let this girl go. Naughty! What she does with grape nuts is pure poetry.

[Bubbles runs into another room and Mr Hutton follows]

Mr Hutton: We need to resolve this now.

Bubbles DeVere: Very well Mr Hutton. Then we shall resolve it.

[Bubbles pushes Mr Hutton onto a bed, closes and locks the door]

Bubbles DeVere: Are you...a married man, Mr Hutton?

Mr Hutton: [looking uneasy] Yes I am.

Bubbles DeVere: And yet you allow yourself to be alone in a room with a rather beautiful woman. That's very dangereuse don't you think?

Mr Hutton: I just really need the cheque.

Bubbles DeVere: Very clever darling.

[Bubbles turns on some romantic music, removes her dress and stands naked in front of Mr Hutton.]

Bubbles DeVere: I'm sure we can come to some sort of...arrangment Mr Hutton.

[Mr Hutton looks disturbed as Bubbles tries to seduce him and puts his head between her breasts.]

Kenny's girlfriend: You did enjoy last night, didn't you?

Kenny: Yes I did, I thought the love-making was absolutely top notch.

Kenny's girlfriend: It's funny, I can't remember that part... I can't find any underwear, it keeps on going missing. You haven't seen any of it have you?

Kenny: Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, don't look around the eyes, look into my eyes, *snap* you're under. I have not been taking your underwear home, putting it on in my bedroom and then parading up and down in front of the mirror going [running his hands over his body] 'Oh, oh, oh, oh'. Three, two, one... *snap* You're back in the room.

Mike: Hey, you open for afternoon tea?

Ray McCooney:Maybe I am and maybe I'm not
[plays tune on flute]

Mike:Oh, OK.
[starts to walk out]

Ray McCooney:No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down.
[shows them to a table]

Mother:Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?

Kimberly:It smells funny in here!

Ray McCooney:I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley.
[puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley]

Ray McCooney:Here I am with the cake trolley.

Mother:Mm, those look good, don't they honey?

Kimberly:I want the chocolate cake.

Mother:OK, OK, honey

Mother: [to Ray] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?

Ray McCooney:Yeeeeees.

Kimberly:What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?

Ray McCooney:Yeeeeees.

Mike:Well, which?

Ray McCooney:[picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?

Ray McCooney:The carrot cake contains? no nuts.

Ray McCooney:[picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?

Ray McCooney:The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts
[plays flute]

Ray McCooney:No nuts.

Ray McCooney:[picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts?

Ray McCooney:[to Mike] He wants to speak to you.

Mike:[takes cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?

Ray McCooney:[tax people have come for money] What if I give ye six magic beans?

Tax Woman:[rolls eyes] Probably wouldn't be interested

Ray McCooney:*Seven* magic beans?

TV Repairman: You said you had another TV for me to have a look at?

Ray McCooney: [Opens curtains in large window]]: Yeeesss, By day is bright, by night is as black as black man's cape.

'TV Repairman: You do know that is a window?

Ray: Yeeesss.

  • Ray McCooney:I am hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly. What am I?

Jurassic Park[edit]

Ian Malcolm[edit]


  • That is one big pile of shit.
  • I'm always on the lookout for a future… ex-Mrs. Malcolm.
  • Boy, do I hate being right all the time

[as a Tyrannosaurus rex tears through a security fence to get to the tour cars.]

Dr. Alan Grant[edit]


  • Bet you'll never look at birds the same way again.
  • [as a T. rex tears a Gallimimus out of a flock and savages it.]


  • T. Rex doesn't want to be fed, he wants to hunt. Can't just… suppress 65 million years of gut instinct.


[Discussing the theme park (Jurassic park].

John Hammond: All major theme parks have delays. When they opened Disneyland in 1956, nothing worked.

Ian Malcolm: Yeah, but John, if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists.

King Kong[edit]


[In the small movie theatre room where film-maker Carl Denham is previewing his latest project to his investors.]

  • Investor: Will there be boobies?
  • Carl Denham: [chuckles] Boobies?
  • Investor: Jigglies. Jiblonkas. Bazooms! In my experience, people only go to these films to observe the undraped form of the native girls.
  • Carl Denham: What are you, an idiot!? You think they asked DeMill if he'd waste his time on nudie shots? NO! They respected the filmmaker! They showed some class! Not that you'd know what that means, you cheap lowlife!

[Jack and Ann are in Ann's cabin on the way to Skull Island]

  • Jack Driscoll: [To Ann] I'm writing a play.
  • Ann Darrow: You're writing a play?
  • Jack Driscoll: I'm writing it for you.
  • Ann Darrow: Why would you do that?
  • Jack Driscoll: Isn't it obvious?
  • Ann Darrow: Not to me.