User:Bsimanek

Brad Simanek (born September 18, 1970), internet humor writer/comedian, “Hall of Fame” contributor to long-running humor site TopFive.com. A writer in the style of Jack Handey, he has had hundreds of ruminations published online, and has self-published two collections of his work. He operates a regularly updated website featuring his quotations.

Published Quotations

The following are original quotations published via external/third-party sources and thus copyright-protected; reprinting is permissible as long as proper citation of the author/originator is given.

2002

• If mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy, then Brad-hiding-with-a-shotgun-near-his-oat-and-ivy-garden will soon be eating some mighty fine jerky, boyeee!
• As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives... and it was then I realized that I was booked on a flight to St. Ives, *Utah*. Damn you, cheapasstickets.com!
• Because the vice president is in charge of all the cool things like gambling, booze, hookers and weed, I bet he has some pretty rockin' cabinet meetings -- especially when the Secretary of Big Boobs attends.
• If instead of an atom bomb, we dropped an ATM bomb on our enemies, we could effectively distract them with convenient curbside banking services and easily round them up. With our luck, though, the jerk near the front would forget his PIN and everyone would get angry, and we'd be right back where we started.
• After years of dealing with that smug dental assistant nagging me to take better care of my teeth, I'm finally going to have the last laugh: How do you floss between one tooth, Ms. Hygiene Queen? Answer me that!

2003

• I was a bit taken aback the other night after sex when my wife told me I had "shivered her timbers" when I "discovered the booty." That must have happened when I touched her pirate parts.
• If life were really like a box of chocolates, I'd be one zit-faced, tub-of-lard loner, 'cause, boy, do I like chocolate!
• I woke up this morning and decided that today would be the day I search for my birth mother. When I made it downstairs, there she was, making my breakfast as usual. And smiley-face pancakes, no less. When it rains, it pours!
• If you ever get into a jam where you need a hero, don't make the mistake of calling for Super-Ficial Man. All he did was tell me I wasn't worth saving because I had thinning hair and bad teeth. He did tell my wife she had nice knockers, though.
• In my will, I've stated that I want my coffin to be made of aluminum foil and my body to be dipped in caramel and chocolate. I know that if I were someday reincarnated as a worm, I would appreciate it if someone had thought of that.
• I was well on my way toward fame and fortune until those tight-asses at the Guinness Book stomped on my dream. Now what am I supposed to do with this enema bag and all these jars of marshmallow topping?
• Given the likely reaction to an increase in terror-alert level to "severe threat imminent," wouldn't a more appropriate alert color be brown?
• Since beef is "What's for Dinner" and pork is the "Other White Meat," I think the poultry industry should trademark "Chicken: What Everything Exotic or Visually Off-Putting Ultimately Tastes Like -- Only Cheaper!"
• In a show of American resolve, I've decided not to purchase anything even remotely affiliated with the French, including French's mustard. I'll still buy Grey Poupon though, but only because I always laugh when I say the name.
• I was taken aback when the waitress brought me a plate of tobacco leaves covered in whiskey, but I guess at a sports bar, I should have known better than to order the Ty Cobb salad.
• Ordering the "Herb-basted chicken" seemed like a good idea -- until I saw a sweaty shirtless man in the back rubbing chicken breasts across his torso.
• I figure older people get up so early in the morning because they can't wait to see if they're still alive. That, and to have more time to find where the dog has hidden their teeth.
• My wife always makes a federal case out of everything, but that's likely because my screw-ups usually cross multiple state boundaries.
• If you ever have to flee police via car, try to start in the Rhode Island area, because nothing embellishes a clip on America's Wildest Auto Chases like the term "multi-state."
• After developing a healthy orange glow, an interest in Olivia Newton-John and an increased desire to roller-skate, I realized that either these Xanax tablets are counterfeit or my doctor needs to work on his penmanship skills.
• Boy, is my wife going to be surprised! She always wanted to repaint the kitchen in a nice olive color, so while she's away on business, I'm going to get busy with these fresh new rollers and gallons of black paint.
• I find it ironic that when I went to confession to seek forgiveness for my vodka-drinking problem, the priest offered me Absolution.
• As we entered the fourth hour of being trapped in the stuck elevator, I began to worry that the stale air supply was taking its toll. I mean, there are only so many replays of "Even the Nights Are Better" and "I'm All Out of Love" a man can take.
• One way to keep up the spirits of a dwindling number of survivors stranded with no food on a freezing mountaintop is to throw a pretend Mountaintop Ball -- especially if you kick off the gala with finger sandwiches.
• World's toughest job? How about being the guy who has to put the whoop-ass into the can?
• Rather than responding to my note asking, "Can Brad have a raise? Yes [ ] No [ ]," my boss just flat-out fired me. All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten my ASS!
• I figure my farting in my office is my business; if someone happens to walk in, it's at their own risk. My aromatherapy patients, however, seem to hold a different opinion.
• One crotch-kick later, I realized that asking the call girl if she had a layaway plan sounded funnier in my head.
• I'm so stoked that my new Honda has these two holders for my Pringles and my bong. If only they had thought to make it so I could bring along a beverage, too.
• Sometimes I wonder whether people prefer episodes of The Andy Griffith Show before or after George Lindsey joined the cast, but most of the ones I ask don't want to get into that Goobernatorial debate.
• As the screaming woman in front of me lunged through the small opening in the Plexiglas, trying to claw the eyes out of the server who she claimed skimped on her sprinkles, I began to regret having stopped for a treat at Drama Queen.
• I would think that when God needs a break from the pressure of running of the universe, He takes a couple of Almightiagra tablets to temporarily relieve His omnipotence.
• My new co-workers at the slaughterhouse have been great, patiently showing me the ropes without any of the hazing I'd feared. I will say, though, that I hope the Testicle Fairy visits soon, because my pillow is starting to smell awful.
• I think my take-no-prisoners attitude is starting to strain my relationship with my superiors in the U.S. Marshal's Office.
• My dog loves cats. I just wish we could find a canine toothpaste that gets that icky cat-stench off his breath.
• I've always felt it's my personal touch that sets me apart from those other brown-nosing climbers in my department. For example, during my last performance review, I not only informed my supervisor that his wife was a two-timing schemer, but I also showed him the photos of us to prove it.
• I've been getting my ass kicked in our local rec league so much lately, I think I've developed athlete's butt.
• Some see the glass as half empty, while others see it as half full. I'd just like to know who the hell drank half of my urine specimen.
• I'm still not good when it comes to reading my wife's signals. Sure the teddy, candles and mood music suggested a little romance, but I'd swear the bright red lipstick shouted, "Stop! You must make a sandwich and watch SportsCenter first."
• I bet one of the worst things about being Jeffrey Dahmer would be determining whether your mix tape should kick off with a scorcher like "Hot Legs" or seduce the listener with the more subtle "Bette Davis Eyes."

2004

• I think the key to my homemade "olde-tyme" peanut butter cookies is the great care I put into crunching up real peanuts into a smooth consistency. Either that or the added saliva.
• If I had to choose between the '80s classics Beat Street or Breakin' for a prestigious award, I'd probably have to go with the latter, since its sequel introduced the mind-shattering concept of marrying *electricity* with the boogaloo.
• For six months I've been on this Atkins meat-based diet, and although I’m losing weight, it’s becoming difficult to stick with. Before too long, I’ll have to move on to another town to find more Atkinses.
• Those old losers can moan all they want about "race for fun" and "unfair advantage," but they could have trained just as hard as I did. Besides, they're they ones who are used to using walkers all the time.
• Word to the Wise: If you leave your day planner out where your wife might see it, be sure not to denote your reminder to arrange a Valentine's Day getaway in Maryland with "Call MD re: VD".
• To set the mood, I cranked up Outkast's "(I Love) The Way You Move" and sat back to enjoy the show -- though at that point the guys from Allied Van Lines took noticeably less care with my boxes.
• You'd think with me assuming the weighty responsibility associated with sitting in an emergency exit row, the flight attendant would've given me my fifth beer free.
• To me, a black hole looks a lot like a cosmic toilet bowl vortex, spirally sucking down everything in its wake. I can't help but think somewhere there's a related celestial sewer where all this stuff goes, likely patrolled by your typical nuclear-waste-mutated alligator and evil snaggletoothed, child-eating clown. This, my friends, is why I could never be an astronaut.
• My wife wasn't too thrilled to open her Bible and discover penciled-in Commandment 7a: "(However, when thou art traveling on business, thou shalt heed the sage advice of My musical apostle, Stephen Stills.)"
• Can't a guy sit in silence and enjoy his lunch without someone shoving a basket in his face asking for money? Man, I hate this church.
• Most people don't appreciate the morbid sense of humor that led me to name my dog Splat, but then again they likely never tried training a world-champion rooftop Frisbee-catching champion, either.
• I was so enraged by my doctor keeping me waiting endlessly -- and then showing no remorse -- that I decided to mess up his remaining schedule by trashing my exam room before I left. When I come back for my follow-up next week, I'd like to see ol' Dr. Proctologist try to top that!
• People may not appreciate my non-stop swearing and farting, but I'm not going to give up on this South Park Diet until I start seeing some results!
• The problem I have when swinging by McDahmer's for breakfast is that the Leg McMuffin is too sinewy, yet the Sausage McMiddles make me feel all puffy and bloated.
• It drives the other guys at work crazy when they see a steady stream of women gravitating toward my office. Can I help it they're not clever enough to think of ditching the deodorant and instead rely on an armpit-tucked Hershey bar?
• After I gave him his pills and he drifted off to sleep, I stroked Dad's hair and recalled how he always said that, when faced with adversity, blood was stronger than money. I hope that's true, because all I need are a few more clandestinely-drained pints for the black market and I've got myself a new guitar!
• After excitedly explaining to my wife how I planned to rid our yard of every last hedge, bush and tree, she pointed out that particular item on her honey-do list didn't actually say "landscraping." Well, excuuuuuuse ME, Ms. Picky!
• Don't know much about history. Don't know much biology. Don't know much about a science book. Don't know much about the French I took… boy, Mom and Dad sure are going to be torqued off when they get that tuition bill.
• I cried because I had no shoes, until I realized it was all just a dream and that I had plenty of shoes in my closet. It was the fact that my wife was banging a traveling shoes salesman that I was really crying about.
• I had quite a difficult time choosing, because the look I was going for was something sorta hip-hop-preppy-goth-slacker-hippie-grunge. My bride and her family, on the other hand, wished I had just worn a regular tux.
• I felt a bit uncomfortable when my girlfriend took a job moonlighting at the local deli. Sure we can use the extra money she brings in, but the place is such a meat market.
• Even though I moved away years ago, I never forgot my kindly elderly neighbor's generosity or her love of surprises. I know she'll be thrilled when she gets this anonymous envelope repaying those four tablespoons of flour I once borrowed.
• I like to think of myself as somewhat adventurous and entertaining, but I'm pretty sure Kim Basinger would've high-tailed it from my love nest after only three-and-a-half days or so -- and then just because I've been too lazy about getting the latch on the basement door fixed.
• "I scream! You scream! We all scream for Jim Beam!" Well, we didn't, actually, but Dad said it was the only way he could get us kids to shut the hell up.
• If I had known that the "surreal moment of baptismal transcendence" would involve being pelted with deformed clocks and spat on, I likely wouldn't have made this trip to see the Dali Llama.
• One, two, buckle my shoe. Three, four, shut the door. Five, six, pick up sticks. Seven, eight, friggin' OCD housemate.
• It was one thing when the diner started serving "freedom" fries, but with the debut of "without-us-your-country-would-be" toast, I think things have gotten out of hand.
• I'm all for increased airport security, and I'm sure there are reasons for each of the recently added measures. Still, I've got no clue what that German Shepherd was supposedly detecting by bouncing up and down while grappling my leg.
• I think the most humiliating part about being sent off to fat camp as a kid was being reduced to sitting around the fire roasting s'lesses.
• Hearing my sister's kid call me "Uncle" gives me an uplifting rush that nudges me ever-closer to responsible adulthood -- especially when I have him pinned to the ground with my knee while twisting his arm behind his back.
• "C" is for "cookie," that's good enough for me. With my 10-year-old son in tears, however, I sense the spelling bee judges must adhere to a higher standard.
• I don't think it's so much that I'm a bad driver, but rather that I need to move somewhere that's not so damn pro-pedestrian.
• If ever there were a case for renewing Prohibition, it's that old guy I see pathetically wandering around the ballpark muttering repeatedly, "Beer? Beer?" For crying out loud, the dude has a whole case of the stuff strapped to his chest!
• In today's corporate environment, it's easy to become lost amid the meshed web of departmental hierarchy and bureaucracy. According to this memo, however, it seems folks are starting to get a little annoyed by my cubicle-to-restroom breadcrumb trail.
• When my friend told me I missed her birthday, I profusely apologized and told her it's because I forgot there was a September 29th this year. Then I added, "Whew! It's a good thing I'm so fast-thinking or I would have had to buy that annoying, shallow gold-digger a gift or something!"
• While it may have seemed like a wise business move at the time, I wonder if the guys down at the Good Intentions Quarry regret having posted the winning bid for that paving contract.
• With the election coming up, I'm going to do everything I can to help my candidate win -- except drive elderly people to the polls, though, because once that teetering-on-the-verge-of-death geezer smell gets into your upholstery, you can forget about ever getting chicks to put out.
• For Christmas, I gave my wife a perfume that smells like rum-scented vomit. Considering that's what her clothing ends up smelling like after we go out anyway, I figured I'd just save us both some time.
• If I were to become disillusioned by and leave my job working the guillotine during the French Revolution, I doubt I'd have the guts to ask for some kind of severance package.
• I remember the time Uncle Rick brought back some meat from his deer-hunting and joked that he and his buddies shot Rudolph and took him to the locker for processing. We all had a good laugh over dinner -- but things got mighty quiet later when cousin Rudy never came home.
• I sense that re-gifting is never much a problem at the family Christmas gatherings held at that Memento dude's house.

2005

• I loved my old job when I could hide in my cubicle and spend the day farting around. Instead it's just work, work, work here at the baked bean methane-research lab.
• I'm glad they settled on "honesty" as the best policy, but I would have loved to have been there when they were testing "flatulent evasiveness" or "spontaneous pants-wetting."
• Before she railed at me for the disgusting sculpture, my sister ought to have realized a confirmed bachelor with limited means would have little reason to believe her toddler's request for a "poo bear" meant anything else.
• As the customer stormed off, I yelled after her, "Look, Ma'am, my hands are tied!" Well, it looks like I'll probably lose another job for doing my rope tricks during store hours again.
• I finally discovered the secret to invisibility: Simply drink 12 beers in under two hours, and then, when your urine is transparent, you know you're free to ogle and grope any woman in the bar -- completely undetected! Things get a little foggy after that, but I do know that when you can see your skin again, it's kinda purplish and sore.
• I guess you can tell the craze has run its course when the bookstores are promoting "Mars and Venus Come To Blows Over Toilet Seat Etiquette."
• What's new, pussy cat? Why do birds sing so gay? Who let the dogs out? C'mon, folks, this crappy pet store gig is what the parole officer gave me, OKAY?!?
• My boss' reaction to my four successful body blows with the zucchini was my first clue that our rules for playing squash are vastly different.
• Seventeen sweltering cheerleaders spent from practice, and only four Bomb Pops left in the cooler. Today, my friend, is the day dropping out of college to drive an ice cream truck finally pays off.
• All men have their vices. For some, it's dames; for others, booze or flophouse poker. If it had been anything else, I would've thrown this bum to the bricks without batting an eye, but I had never seen a Precious Moments figurine that adorable before.
• It would be nice if the Grim Reaper gave 24 hours notice before taking us, allowing enough time to say goodbye and fulfill dying wishes so we could depart this world in a dignified manner. I'd then be able to rest in peace knowing that my obituary would read, "Local man found barricaded in basement, suffocated inside world's largest recorded bean burrito."
• "There's nothing more rewarding than helping people," I began as the young, impressionable children sat gathered for Career Day. "And it's my job to help confused daddies become the square-jawed, off-puttingly masculine-looking mommies they were born to be."
• I'm tired of the Man always bringin' me down. Then again, it was my choice to subscribe to the Comforter-of-the-Month Club to begin with.
• Great. I finally make it to the top of the wait list for outsider conjugal visits at the women's prison, and all this chick wants to do is differentiate tenses of verbs!
• This dog translator was a cool idea until I discovered she was barking to anyone who would listen, "Help! I'm trapped in a fetching sweatshop with a closet geriatric-porn addict and a doctor who writes herself Vicodin prescriptions using my name!"
• Don't bother playing rock-paper-scissors with God, since his omniscience gives him quite an edge. Besides, on the off-chance you sneak one past him, he'll come out throwing "Love, which conquers all." What are you going to do, protest and tell God to quit being cheesy?
• I imagine the folks at Fox are already gearing up for that day 15 years from now when they'll lure the once-sexy ingénue back into the limelight with "My Big Fat Obnoxious Beyoncé."
• I can appreciate my girlfriend naming her lapdog after what it means to her, but I hate when she asks me to take little Fartmuffler to the vet.

2006

• You'd be surprised at the amount of money and well wishes I received from people supporting my quest to set the world record for the most consecutive days standing outside in the cold while ringing a bell.
• I'd say two of the worst words you can hear through the bathroom door when you ask if your guest is all right are "fallen" and "mudbutt."
• You know it's going to be a bleak Valentine's Day when you find yourself writing heartfelt sonnets with the same hand you're writing them to.
• Life is like a box of chocolates. You buy them for someone else, tell yourself she won't miss one -- no, three -- little pieces, then recall that time she slept with your cousin just to piss you off, so you gobble the whole lot of 'em, only to feel icky and barf them all back into the box and leave it on her doorstep with the "Here's a little something to show how I really feel about you" card still attached.
• I think the show Lost would be a lot more fun for viewers if ABC consistently changed its air date and time slot, and also lied to "TV Guide" about when it was scheduled.
• There's just something about Noel Coward that makes me think I could totally kick his ass.
• It only took me a couple of pay periods before I realized I needed to head to the bank immediately after getting my check here at the disappearing ink factory.
• It was a time for heroes: when boys become men and men become legend -- but only those who can say, "Thank God I got my irritable bowel syndrome under control, just in case something scary happens," because sissy pants-crappers need not apply.
• The problem with finally grasping how large the universe is and the earth's place in it is that you then realize -- holy crap! -- the sun's right there on our ass!
• Just as I suspected: After drinking all that bottled water, my tests came back positive for the Evian flu.
• For God so loved the world, He gave us Velveeta. I mean, will we ever stop finding new uses for this miracle food product? I strongly doubt it!
• Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is letting me have Thursday Poker Nights and teasingly sustaining my belief that we'll one day have a three-way. Love is giggling coquettishly when I pull the covers up and subject you a Dutch oven. Love is not -- I repeat, not -- punching me vindictively in the nards.
• There's something disquieting about checking in to my room at the Radisson to find the previous guests had the Sleep Number bed set at 69.
• If I had lived during the era of the Old West, I would have opened the Y'all Come Back Salon, because a hard day on the trail deserves one of those outposts where you could sit down, kick off your boots and get a pedicure and refreshing cucumber and avocado-butter facial.
• On the bright side, it appears the Guinness Book doesn't already have an entry for someone twice surviving electrocution via hair dryer use while on a toilet.
• I'd be much more comfortable just fostering a highway until it can be adopted by a more stable permanent family.
• I sure wish some young singer named Britney Houston would emerge on the pop scene so we could have bizarre coked-up sassiness in a chubbilicious Cajun package.
• People generally don't agree with me, so I should have known my acid reflux couldn't handle that Soylent Green soufflé.
• If I ever release an album, I'm going to title it "10 Million German Hasselhoff Fans Can't Be Wrong." You know those crazy Germans will buy anything with that guy's name on it, and then I'll have an even bigger laugh with the leadoff single, "Oh Yes, They Freakin' Can!"
• My agent said I had a shot at steady income if I just flew out to Hollywood and did this pilot. Man, was she ever right: He recommended me to all his flyboy buddies!
• Looking back, I think my parents might have tricked me by suggesting I hold on to my investment until there was improvement the tooth futures markets.
• Just when I think the secret crush I have on my long-time lady friend might finally be requited, she introduces me to acquaintances as "this weaselly little gasbag to my right."
• Perhaps when toasting my bride at our wedding reception, I shouldn't have mentioned how glad I was to have "weathered my Internet-dating skank-a-thon" long enough to meet her.
• In hindsight, I suppose I could have thanked the officer for pointing out my broken taillight without offering him a hit off my bong.
• Drat! I'd almost beaten Whiskers in our game of "Cat Clue" -- while we both had "candlestick" and "study," I had penciled in "Professor Plum" when I should have known the murderer, as always, was Ms. Curiosity.
• People compliment me on my tan, but what they don't realize is it's actually a tattoo! An expensive, painful, wish-I-had-stopped-at-the-boxers-line tattoo.
• The toughest thing about earning my online diploma is deciding whether I want it to read "Spanky McWhack" or "Stubby Pudpounder."
• I believe making other people think you're a famous superstar is half the battle.
• As I laid in the hospital bed, clinging to the threads of life I had left, I looked over the faces of the many friends and well-wishers who came by, and in that brief moment I realized something very important: There actually is a point at which sour cream goes bad.
• When I'm in doubt, I always ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" I should have also reminded myself that this isn't Galilee and handing out free fish to everyone would cost me my job at Long John Silver's.
• A man doesn't realize what evil he's capable of rendering with his bare hands until he reaches day six of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as sung by Muppets.

2007

• It's encouraging to know the makers of Soylent Green would be forced by today's FDA guidelines to include the phrase "Ingredients: People" in the nutritional disclosure. However, I sense most shoppers would just see "Now with no trans fats!" splashed on the front and drop a few cans in their carts anyway.
• For years I had this unexplained, burning desire to risk my life in the running of the bulls. I was finally able to get the proper treatment once the doctor diagnosed me with Human Pamplona Virus.
• Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you'll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.
• It's weird how, after all these years, memories of college lectures on thermal conductivity dynamics came flooding back and finally gelled. I just wish it hadn't taken a dropped mug of Maxwell House in my lap to hammer it home.
• Of all the senses, smell is the first I'd be willing to ditch. I'd gladly give up "fresh-baked cookies" and "pine needles" to be eternally rid of "gassy cubicle-mate" and "Febreze-impervious apartment sofa."
• It's never encouraging when you ask your parents to tell you about when you were born and they simply reply, "Mistakes were made...."
• I'm hoping I can apply for a smelling-nose dog, to compensate for my handicap of not being able to recall where I've stashed my weed.
• Did those jerks at the blood bank even bother to read my note? I'd sterilized those Mason jars first!
• My Spidey sense is going crazy today, suggesting I might soon be getting fired. Perhaps it's no coincidence I feel this greater tingling on the days I choose not to wear pants to work.
• While reaching modern students is tougher now than ever, I suppose I might have crossed some vague ethical boundary by renaming my "Calculus in Geometry" course "Learning to Make Crystal Math."
• I think the worst part about having both hands torn off in a farming accident would be losing the ability to point to where in the hayfield you think they flew.
• You would think that, at some point during all my years of research, one of my scientist colleagues might be kind enough to mention there was no need for a cootie vaccine.
• Those My Little Pony dolls are perfect for little girls, combining their two favorite real-life things: brushing hair and blowing Dad's money on insanely expensive indulgences.
• When I reminded my anxious wife that the labor nurses said to prepare to spend most of this delivery completely naked, she insisted that directive applied only to her.
• Experts say the grieving process is different for everyone -- so back off and let me finish peanut-buttering my fish suit!
• I didn't know what to make of Kentucky Fried Chicken using "Sweet Home Alabama" as their latest commercial theme -- until I saw their new Skynless Chykyn Sandwych.
• I was elated to hear my wife's name over the radio as having come up with today's "phrase that pays." Only later did I learn the phrase was, "I'll do the entire Morning Zoo Crew for those Enrique Iglesias tickets."
• The cruel deception of diaper makers is that names like Pampers, Huggies and Luvs in no way prepare you for the horror you find inside.
• As my wife watched in horror while I perpetrated what had to be the worst diaper change in history of mankind, she swore she'd *never* let me do another one. Woo-hoo! Mission accomplished!
• No wonder babies get fussy. Have 'you' ever spent the day wearing paper and plastic underwear, periodically soiling yourself? It's hard to get any investment analysis done!
• I'm not sure whether my wife was irked by my using too much foaming oil when I drew her surprise romantic bath, or that the Bubble Chick I sculpted while waiting for her had a bigger rack than she did.
• You say, "to-MAY-to"; I say, "If you keep saying that tired f%#king phrase every time we go to a goddamn salad bar, I swear I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!"
• Good friends don't let friends drive drunk. Superfriends no let Hulk smash smashed.
• Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. And if it's a rainy Monday, you'd be well advised to keep the small talk to a minimum when you purchase stamps from me.
• Remember, guys: If your prostitute is over five feet tall, she's probably a member of Munchkinland Vice.
• I wondered why there were so many postings about solicitation-friendly bathroom stalls -- until I realized I was on LarryCraigslist.
• I often wish I had a time machine, if for no other reason than to go back to the invention of the automatic hand-dryer and lay claim to being the first one to scuff the label to read "Push Butt."

2008

• Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when the aliens come to take us all away. Most likely we'll be just outside Earth's atmosphere when some stupid douche will start wailing about his needing to use the bathroom.
• I finally went on an excursion with Celebrity Cruise Lines, and there was a whole lot less drunken hoohah-flashing than I'd hoped for.

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