Mike O' Donnell 
- [in the bleachers,talking to Maggie] When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not it's just the beginning, you might have to meet a few more jerks. but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.
- [pretending to read a letter to Scarlet in divorce court] Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you. And then I, uh... I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today... but I don't want you to. But I guess... if I love you, I should let you move on.
- High school star, never quite lived up to your potential. Sooner or later you all come back to your old school, stand there and look at the pictures of your glory days, wondering what might have been. Seems to me you guys are living in the past.
- (after the fight)
- Mike O' Donnell: Would you stop staring at me!
- Ned Gold: [about the transformation] It's freaking me out.
- Mike O' Donnell: It's freaking me out! I'm pubescent!!!
- Ned Gold: We have to go shopping, your shirt is bedazzled.
- Mike O' Donnell: Bedazzled with rhinestones!
- Mike O'Donnell: [from trailer] Why are you dating him? He's bullying your brother.
- Maggie O'Donnell: Who are you, my father?
- Mike O' Donnell: I forbid you to go out with that guy.
- Maggie O'Donnell: Oh, so you forbid me? Who the hell do you think you are? My father?
- Mike O' Donnell: [the girls are mercilessly trying to seduce him] Listen, girls. If you don't respect yourself, how do you expect others to respect you?
- Nicole: Don't respect me.
- Jaime: No! Don't respect me.
- Samantha: You don't even have to remember my name!
- Nicole: [surprised] Okay, wow.
- Jaime: Yeah, that's like, really slutty.
- Samantha: I know, right?
- Mike O'Donnell: [quietly to himself while walking away] Forget it. This is some other dad's problem.
- Janitor: [to Mike, staring at his old basketball team picture] Mike O'Donell!
- Mike O' Donnell: Do I know you?
- Janitor: No, but I know you.
- Mike O' Donnell: Oh, yeah?
- Janitor: High school star, never quite lived up to your potential. Sooner or later you all come back to your old school, stand there and look at the picture of the glory days wondering "What might have been". Seems to me you guys are living in the past.
- Mike O' Donnell: Well, of course I wanna live in the past. It was better there...
- Janitor: I bet you wish you could do it all over again?
- Mike O' Donnell: You got that right.
- Mike O' Donnell: [finds out that Scarlett is re-doing their yard] The divorce isn't final for another two weeks, so you have no right.
- Scarlett O'Donnell: Really? I spent the last 18 years of my life listening to you whine about what you could have done without me and I have no right?
- Mike O' Donnell: It's just that I put a lot of work in this yard.
- Scarlett O'Donnell: Did you? Really? Like the barbecue pit? Yeah, the way I remember that is that you spent about an hour working on it and then you spent the next two days complaining about how "If you had gone to college then you could have had hired someone else to do it".
- Mike O' Donnell: I don't think it was a whole two days...
- Scarlett O'Donnell: What about the hammock over here?
- Mike O' Donnell: Yeah...
- Scarlett O'Donnell: Yeah, I think you quit that one because you just decided not try anymore.
- Ned Gold: [after watching Mike eat] So what did you learn in school today?
- Mike O' Donnell: That I'm a bad dad.
- Ned Gold: I thought everything was going great.
- Mike O' Donnell: It was going fantastic for me. Then I found out that my son spent the last year as the school punching bag. Then I saw my daughter get a tongue lash from the school psychotic jackass.
- Ned Gold: [looks at Mike's clothes] What are you wearing?
- Mike O' Donnell: This is cool. This is hip. There's a picture of Kevin Federline wearing the exact same thing. What are you wearing? You're supposed to show up like a dad, you look like Clay Aiken!
- Ned Gold: Leave him out of this.
- Mike O' Donnell: [When Ned finds young Mike in his house, and thinking its an intruder they end up fighting with light sabers] It's me, Mike O'Donnell, your best friend. You have an undescended testicle.
- Ned Gold: Googlable.
- Mike O' Donnell: You helped me cheat on a math test, but I got caught.
- Ned Gold: Public records.
- Mike O' Donnell: You asked Princess Leia to Junior Prom.
- Ned Gold: Covered by the local news.
- Ned Gold: What are you eating?
- Mike O' Donnell: I don't even know, all I know is that I'm hungry...[squirts Cheez-Whiz into his mouth] all the time.
- Alex O'Donnell: [introducing Young Mike to his mother for the first time] Hey mom this is Mark, Uncle Ned's bastard.
- Scarlett O'Donnell: Wow!
- Alex O'Donnell: I know! Someone had a kid with Uncle Ned!