2DTV

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2DTV was a satirical animated television show broadcast on ITV1 in the United Kingdom that followed closely in the footsteps of Spitting Image, but using animation rather than puppets.

Ant and Dec[edit]

Announcer: The ITV news at 10 with Ant and Dec.
Ant: ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.
Dec: Bongo-roony!
Ant: Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?
[Dec slaps Ant on the head]
Dec: Slapa-rooney!
Ant: And former news caster evicted by phone vote.
[cuts to Trevor McDonald, who is in a filthy alleyway]
Trevor McDonald: News just in: I am hungry and homeless.
Dec: Tramper-rooney!
Ant: And now, the weather.
Dec: And now, the weather.
[cuts to Siân Lloyd in front of a map of the British Isles]
Siân Lloyd: Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales.

Osama Bin Laden[edit]

[Bin Laden and his henchmen are in their cave]
Bin Laden: At last we have nuclear bomb!
[an old bomb drops into view; it has cracks, is leaking and has been stuck together using sticky tape]
Bin Laden: Good work Binny Me!
[Bin Laden turns round to see a smaller version of himself, both of which are doing the Dr. Evil pinky gesture. He turns back to his henchmen]
Bin Laden: Initiate LAUNCH SEQUENCE!
[The henchmen drag the bomb and drop it into a big envelope, which is addressed to: Infidel Bush, White House, USA]
Bin Laden: FIRE!!!
[one of the henchmen attaches a pigeon to the letter. The bird attempts to take off but cannot lift the mail]
Bin Laden: I thought we had 2 birds?
[Jalal burps and feathers come out of his mouth. He cringes]
Jalal: Sorry.

Bin Laden: Well, it's nice that Jalal tabled his concerns about the war...
[the camera follows Bin Laden to his stone table. Jalal's head is on the table, with 2 other henchmen cowering behind the table]
Bin Laden: Anyone else have any wobbles?
Henchmen: No, Sir.
Bin Laden: Good.

[after an accidental explosion]
Bin Laden: Jalal! Get your arse over here.
Jalal: Why?
Bin Laden: Because that's where your legs are.

Tony Blair[edit]

Tony Blair: We have conclusive proof that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and here it is...
[Blair holds up a piece of paper]
Tony Blair: We kept the invoice... and if he doesn't pay up soon, he isn't getting any more!

BBC Reporter: The Press are ready, Prime Minister.
Blair: How'd you want me for this one?
BBC Reporter: Well, the conference is about your weekend...
(office turns into countryside. Blair puts on a casual shirt)
Blair: Ah, it's the weekend, and I'm relaxed. Downtime. Cup of tea. Jeans, with a crease, because I'm an ordinary guy.
BBC Reporter: The weekend with your family.
Blair: Ah, Family! [clicks fingers. Cherie, Euan and Leo appear] Adoring wife, growing brood, baby in arms, family man. Just like you.
BBC Reporter: Your weekend in Europe.
Blair: Ah, Europe! [Cherie and the kids disappear and the room turns back into the office] Controversial issue, let's talk it out. Jacket off, sleeves rolled up, sweaty armpits, as long as it takes. No bullshit.
BBC Reporter: The weekend which had to be posponed because of the war on terrorism.
Blair: [office turns into the front of 10 Downing Street. Jack Straw appears at Blair's side] War. Sober suit. Furrow brow. No smile this time. Statesman-like. Not like you.
BBC Reporter: And the tragic loss of life.
Blair: [black curtain descends] Ah, loss of life. Black tie. Voice cracks with... emotion. Manly tear in eye, men cry too. One of you again.
BBC Reporter: Which, since the weekend--
Blair: Ah, weekend! Downtime, tea, Jeans! [scenery rapidly flickers]
BBC Reporter: Mr. Blair, just be yourself!
Blair: [scenery stops half way through shift] Myself? Um, just... remind me?

George Bush[edit]

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House]
General: I think that should give you some idea of how delicate the balance of power is in the middle east.
George Bush: I see, General.
General: You didn't understand a word of that did you, Mr. President?
George Bush: No I did not.
General: Okay, do you want me to get Professor Leibstrom to explain it?
George Bush: I think that might help.
[the General goes underneath the table and, after a brief struggle, a sock puppet appears at the edge of Bush's desk]
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello again, Mr. President. It's Me, Professoer Leibstrom.
George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom! Ha Ha!
[camera pulls out to reveal the General, crouching under the desk while operating the sock puppet]
George Bush: Quick General! You're missing the Professor!
General: Oh Jesus.

General: I think Professor Leibstrom had better explain this. (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!
Bush: Oh, I get it. The General leaves and then you come in. Don't think I know what's going on, because I do!
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) You do?
Bush: You two had a fight!
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Uh... yeah, that's right.
Bush: Oh, Professor Leibstrom, you shouldn't fight with the General. Fighting never solves anything!

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is staring at a painting of himself]
George Bush: General, this mirror isn't working.
General: Sir, that's a painting.
George Bush: But it--
General: No time to explain, Sir. I have an urgent call for you on the satellite video link. It's, uh... Saddam Hussein.
[TV drops down from roof. The screen shows Saddam Hussein in his office]
Saddam Hussein: Ah, Mr. Bush. So you want to bomb old Saddam, eh? Fair enough. But would you want to bomb... Tiddles?
[a kitten jumps onto Saddam's desk. Bush and the General gasp]
Saddam Hussein: Or Fluffy? or Tufty?! Yes, gentlemen, from now on myself and all military targets will be protected by a kitten shield. [stroaking kittens] Won't they? Yes they will! Yes they will! End Transmission.
George Bush: Can I have one, General? I gotta have one of those cute furry things!
General: If you insist, sir.
[General gives Bush a fake, Saddam-style mustache]
George Bush: Yeah! [turns to painting] Awww, but I don't look no different.
General: Oh, Hairy Moses!

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is playing with army soldiers and tanks]
General: Good news, Sir. Iraq seems to be co-operating fully with UN inspectors. Looks like an all-out conflict can be avoided.
George Bush: AW NUTS!!!
General: Sir?
George Bush: [having a tantrum] I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! All the other presidents have had wars!
[Starts throwing his toys at the General]
General: But Sir, you just had a war, and you didn't even finish that one!
George Bush: Well I'm gonna hold my breath until you let me have another one.
[Bush holds his breath. His face starts turning blue]
General: Oh, now sir! Oh, I think I'd better fetch Professor Leibstrom.
[General goes underneath the table and brandishes the sock puppet]
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!
George Bush: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom!
General: (as Professer Leibstrom) I know! Instead of having a war, why don't we have an ice cream?
George Bush: Yeah, an ice cream! With Chocolate sauce!
General: (as Professor Leibstrom) Oh Yeah.
George Bush: And a war!
General: NO! (as Professor Leibstrom) Sir, nobody else wants a war... except perhaps Britain.
George Bush: Let's have a war with Britain then!
General: Oh, Hairy Moses!

[Bush and General are in the Oval Office in the White House]
General: Sir, I must protest in the strongest possible terms!
George Bush: General, I'm the president of the United States of America. When I say jump, you jump.
General: Hairy Moses.
[General starts to jump up and down]
General: Mr President, why the jimny do we have to have a bouncy Whitehouse?
George Bush: Because all the terrorists bombs will just bounce right off of it.
General: (sarcastically) Oh, silly me!
George Bush: Look at this! (Bush starts to jump up and down) I can do a star, Egypshine, Bruce Forsite!
General: Bruce Forsyth!
George Bush: Okay, I'm bored now. Let's play darts!
General: NO!!!
[a popping sound is heard and the bouncy Whitehouse starts to deflate. The camera fades and the viewer rejoins after the bouncy Whitehouse has been fully deflated]
George Bush: General, I never thought I'd say this... blow up the Whitehouse! (sobs)
General: Ugh! (starts to inflate the Whitehouse using his breath)

[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House, where Christmas decorations have been put out. Bush is holding a present wrapped in wrapping paper; the present is in the shape of a puppy]
George Bush: Oh, come on General! What is it?
[dog in wrapping paper barks]
George Bush: It's a book, ain't it?
General: Now no opening util tomorrow, sir.
George Bush: I promise.
General: [the General walks off screen]
George Bush: I love Christmas!
[alarms go off]
George Bush: General! The flashing warning thing's gone off! General? General?!
Computer: WARNING: potential hostile inbound. Request action.
George Bush: Okay George, don't panic. Now what is it dad used to say?
[George Bush Senior appears in a thought bubble]
George Bush Senior: Son, don't ever, ever, EVER... press the red button.
George Bush: Something about pressing the red button.
[Bush presses the red button and the camera cuts to a shot of the moon, where a sleigh passes infront of it. The sleigh is shot down by defences. the General appears]
General: Sir, what in god's name is... can you smell roast venison?
[The sleigh crashes into the room. Bush inspects the wreckage and puts on some disembodied antlers]
George Bush: Look General, I'm a lion! Moo, moo!
General: That's uncanny, sir.

Bill Gates[edit]

Bill Gates: Well guys, welcome to the most high-tech home in the world: House 2001.
Son: But I just got used to our old place, House 2000.
Bill Gates: That thing's completely obsolete. Check out these new features!
Wife: It looks exactly like the old one.
Bill Gates: Not at all. It's a lot more expensive (sniggers)
[Gate's family laugh in the same fashion]
Bill Gates: And get a load of this multi-phonic cyber cinema.
[Gates clicks on the control panel and a huge screen appears in the room. The screen crashes halfway through deployment]
Daughter: Why's it done that?
Bill Gates: Try double clicking it.
Wife: It seems to have frozen.
Bill Gates: It's fine. We... probably just need go out and come back in again.
[the family step outside the house and close the door. After a brief moment they all come back in again to find that everything has vanished]
Son: Where's it all gone?
Bill Gates: Um, it should be here, er...
Wife: Did you remember to save it?
Bill Gates: I thought I did. Er... don't panic!
Wife: Try escape.
Son: No, Control-Alt!
Daughter: Let me have a go!
Bill Gates: Get off!
Wife: Don't you press that!
Bill Gates: LET ME JUST TRY SOMETHING!!!
[Gates hits the control panel and a Windows like text box appears in front of them]
Son: It says the house has performed an illegal operation and will...
[the house disappears and the family are in the desert, where their house used to be]
Bill Gates: Don't worry guys, I'm already working on House 2001.1!

Michael Jackson[edit]

Voice Over: Michael Jackon's parenting tips #43.
Michael Jackson: It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps.
[cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something]
Michael Jackson: Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second.
[camera pans out to see a baby balancing on a washing line]
Michael Jackson: I don't see any moonwalking.
[Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson]
Michael Jackson: That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it!

Anne Robinson[edit]

Anne Robinson: It's time to vote off... the Weakest Link.
[all four contestants vote for Anne Robinson]
Anne Robinson: Peter, Why Anne?
Peter: Your air of superiority is totally phony and you always cut people off ----
Anne Robinson: Sue, why Anne?
Sue: Well, you're not scary, and you mis-pronouce everything.
Anne Robinson: Joremy, why Anne?
Jeremy: You got the IQ of a squirrel.
Mike: And the looks.
Anne Robinson: I am the Weakest Link, goodbye.

Michael Schumacher[edit]

Baby Schumacher: It's time for my bed time story, Daddy.
Michael Schumacher: Okay then...Once there was a tortoise...errmm...Let's call him Coulthard...and a rabbit called Schumacher...and one day they decided to have a race...the rabbit was very confident that he could win and did. The end.
Baby Schumacher: But doesn't the tortoise win sometimes?
Michael Schumacher: No he doesn't! The rabbit wins over and over again and that is what makes motor racing so interesting!

Seaman, David[edit]

[Seaman is in the supermarket, browsing for shampoo]
David Seaman: Let's see here: Greasy hair? Normal hair? Stupid Hair? Ah, F**king Stupid Hair!
[Seaman puts the shampoo in his shopping trolly]
David Seaman: That's the one!

External links[edit]

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